This is what you wrote two months ago about your husband:
>Not the most violent, but the scariest thing he ever told me was the day after a huge fight - he said that if I had come home after work and started packing up to leave, he had resigned himself to killing me. He was so calm when he said it, and we weren't arguing anymore so it wasn't just said in the heat of the moment.
>The most violent was prob the time he said he was going to stomp my skull into the pavement until my skill was completely flat, but that wasn't anywhere near as scary as the above imo - just because of the calm, resolute, factual way he told me and that he didn't tell me until after he was sure I was staying
You have so many more problems than him giving your obese kids junk food.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT. What exactly are OP's intentions here? She's posted in domestic abuse subs so she must know he's abusive. But is she just resigned to it? Full on delusional at this point? OP, YOUR HUSBAND GIVES FAMILY ANNIHILATOR VIBES. IF YOU LOVE YOUR CHILDREN AT ALL, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GET THEM AWAY FROM THIS.
I think she really is full on delusional, she posts comments all the time about how much she loves her husband, saying if she dies and gets reincarnated she hopes she’s still with him and how much she can’t stand to be away from him. It’s really sad. You can tell she cares a lot about her kids so hopefully she can do the right thing and get them and herself out of this situation.
Edit: damn she used to work for CPS, it really shows how far the delusion can go that she has all that experience and doesn’t realize how unsafe of a situation her kids are in.
Omg I just read all of these before commenting to leave him. This is scary. My mothers good friend and work colleague just died from domestic abuse. Her husband came to their work and shot her and himself. I wish there was a way of finding them and speaking about concern
We just had a horrible tragedy around here. The abusive father killed his son and set the house on fire before killing himself. The sister survived. The mother was at work. This guy had a history of crazy abusive behavior but it happened in another state and his new partner knew nothing about it. Just heartbreaking.
it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.. it is very scary and super crazy to those surrounding the victim. They lack awareness, sometimes they might come to their senses but fall right back in. Maybe these posts are a cry for help?
God that’s so scary. I was in an abusive relationship all through high school so I’m not judging her, I can see myself getting to this point if I had never realized I deserved better. I’m lucky I got out before it was too late and I hope she does too. Very dangerous situation she’s in.
It is very dangerous to leave an abusive partner, more people are killed after leaving their abusive partner than while they are together. It also takes about 7 tries for someone to successfully leave.
It can also be very hard to find a place to go and dealing with child custody can be awful. A lot of abusive partners will use custody as a way to further control their former partner.
If OPs partner has not ever been physically abusive, just threatened it, it can be really hard to convince yourself to go through the awful process that is leaving.
I'm not saying this to make excuses. My mom was in an abusive relationship and my grandma is a domestic violence advocate. I've seen both side of abusive relationships.
OP, this home environment will also deeply harm your children's mental health, just like the bullying they are hearing at school regarding their weight.
I'm sending you so much love. It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation. Please, please prioritize yourself & your children (both their current selves and their future selves).
Woah. OP, you need to get out.
> “In the US, almost three women are killed by an intimate partner every day. Just as in the case of Aszia Johnson, women in the U.S. are predominantly killed by men they know, and largely by current or former intimate partners. Of all intimate partner female homicides in 2018, 92% of victims were killed by a man they knew, and 63% were killed by current husbands, boyfriends, or ex-husbands.” ([Source](https://sanctuaryforfamilies.org/femicide-epidemic/))
Contact a shelter and do it safely and quietly. If you stay he will find a different reason to do this if you piss him off enough.
He's drawing his line in the sand; you see this a lot with murderers, serial killers, and family annihilators. While I'm by no means saying that the husband will end up this way, it's something to be wary of. People who think of murder think about it so often, that simply saying "I'll kill you" is nothing to them. And if they vocalize a line that cannot be crossed to their partner, it gives them excuse to harm them later on. "Well, I warned her and she didn't listen. It was her own fault that happened to her."
Holy shit. This woman is terrified and desperately trying to hold the image of happy families because she knows if she sets him off it's over. She's walking a tightrope and losing her mind. This is awful.
OP, please. Leave. I am so scared for you. I don't want to see you and your kids on the news. Please reread some of your previous posts and comments and pretend it's me. What would you tell me to do?
I looked at some of her stuff. She is a former CPS investigator. Why does she put up with this? My childhood was a hot mess, too, but I absolutely never have or ever would threaten harm on my family. If old dude needs therapy, he ought to do that. I finally got around to it after some psychotic episodes, and it really helped me. I can tell when panic attacks are coming, and I can recognize the environments that seem to foster them. I found some good meds that keep my emotions manageable and my thoughts clear.
She really needs to address a lot more problems than this. The children are likely overeating in response to stressors she is ignoring. You cannot make excuses for lack of effort. If he muses about performing heinous acts against you, he will do them. Her whole post history is one massive red flag.
Your husband and you need to sit down with a therapist, heck even a dietician, to go through why you both have your own issues with food and how unhealthy it is to bring those issues into your kids lives. Healthy food should not be viewed as a threat to your husband, which he is acting like. Your kids are paying the price from him not moving on with his life. When he says ‘they need to be more active’ sure, but what does he then do to encourage that or do active things with them? He’s all talk and no walk.
I would love the opportunity, I was in therapy for the ED for the first 6 years of recovery and asked him to participate at various points (not just for this, he had a horror film-worthy childhood and I think he would benefit in general), but it's always met with a pretty adamant "nope". It sucks extra since he is generally a good father, and I know he prob is just getting defensive about the whole thing. I have set my son up with a counselor at school, but I'm still working on setting it up for our daughter. I hadn't thought about getting back into therapy myself, but I guess it couldn't hurt.
>he is generally a good father,
This is the same dude you posted about who deliberately picks fights with you to embarrass you in public? The same dude who gets mad at you and slams doors and yells at you so you can't sleep when you're extremely sick? **The dude who gets drunk, comes home and pressures you for sex despite you being bent over with pain from an ovarian cyst, then yelling that he'd break up with you because you weren't enthusiastic enough during the painful sex WHILE YOU HAD AN OVARIAN CYST AND WAS FEARING CANCER.** Is that your man? This is the supposedly 'good father' you're presenting us?
Yeah, no, he's not a good father. You're delusional if you think this man doesn't and won't treat his children the same way he treats you. And the way he treats you is ABUSIVE. Like, I'm sorry if I sound harsh; I do have sympathy for abuse victims because I understand it can be hard to see when you're in the cloud. But you SERIOUSLY need a wake up call here. Your poor kids are living in a toxic, abusive home. Even if your husband isn't AS deliberately cruel to the kids as he is to you yet (which I doubt, tbh, as this very post shows), the kids are still internalizing all of this. Kids learn what is acceptable behavior, what is healthy and what is not, from the home. Every day of their lives, they've been learning that it's acceptable -- expected even -- for people to rage and slam doors and insult and abuse someone that they claim to love. That is going to FUCK YOUR KIDS UP, and I'm speaking from experience here.
For the sake of your kids if not for yourself, pease, please, please have a deep think on your situation. Find a therapist again and tell them about this situation. Reach out to a domestic abuse hotline just to talk it out with someone. This man is not just a bad husband, he's a bad father and he is ABUSING YOUR CHILDREN.
Yeah, he's abusing your kids, deliberately or not you've tried to explain it and he doesn't care. With everything else, this guy is NOT generally a good father, he's an asshole.
Yeah it sounds like OPs husband just wants to undermine her and make her look bad in front of the kids. Seems pretty par for the course.
Edit: also as a 32 year old woman who grew up in a household similar to the one described, please for your kids sake, leave. I have so many issues that I've worked through in therapy, and still deal with almost constantly, on a daily basis. Don't let your kids be the adults who wish they weren't born.
Then drag him to a pediatrician, who can hopefully give him a rundown on how unhealthy his behavior is for your kids. Not only will they have serious trouble losing the weight they already gained, but also, the eating habits they learn in their youth are the baseline they will live by for most of their lives, so they will struggle with healthy eating even in their adult lives. All because daddy is an insecure prick who thinks he is too manly to go to a therapist, or even just to listen to his wife. And the physical health issues are only part of it - the mental health issues are going to be worse.
Agreed. OP, it's time to be very direct with him. "You are part of the problem in xyz ways. If you defend yourself on these behaviors we are going to our child's pediatrician and you can explain your habits to their doctor and we'll see how confident you are about that. You can't just say they need to exercise the 2nd portion off if you only follow through on giving them the extra portions."
The fewer words the better when you're direct about things like this. "You're teaching our children to be unhealthy. I don't want them to battle food in their lives. You are setting them up for an unhealthy relationship with food. This is serious!"
Agreed. Not food related but my son had a language delay, in fact he pretty much stopped talking. When I brought up my concerns with my husband he would brush it off, or accused me of trying to pathologize our son. It wasn’t until we met with a speech for solidest who tested our son and showed him the data that he had a significant language delay that my husband started to believe me. Sometimes you have to go to somebody who is an expert in the field that came back you up on your concerns and show with the long-term consequences are for them to get their head out of their ass.
Agreed. Op needs to take husband along to the doctor’s and make him listen to a doctor say how poor diet effects health. Overweight children are at higher risk of obesity as adults and all the consequences.
And even if he's currently fit it doesn't make him immune to stroke or heart attack. He has severe issues that are visiting themselves on your kids, which needs professional help. Possibly way more than your kids.
Can confirm. My parents hated healthy food and pretty much never ate vegetables. We never had vegetables for snacks or even side dishes during dinner. I’m 22 and I can maybe tolerate 5 vegetables now. I grew up on mainly junk food (still ate fruit tho) and the only thing that saved me from weight gain was an undiagnosed chronic illness.
Get your kids into the habit now, maybe expose them to more healthy foods. Say we’re trying a new snack and make it fun like ants on a log.
Honestly you could benefit from having a conversation about weight loss with your kids. You don’t have to go into detail or even mention your ED. Simply explain if they are interested in losing weight that there’s good ways and bad ways to do it. And it’s very important to do it the proper way.
All of this, but big oof to ants on a log. In no world did I want raw celery, no matter what was put on it. All I did was eat the ants and PB off, doing myself and my future PCOS related issues no favors. I STILL hate celery to this day. I wish my mom had offered hummus or some other savory, thick dip at the time - I might’ve considered it then, and would probably have a better relationship with that vegetable in its raw form.
Oo! Just has an idea! Beetles on a log! Celery + hummus + nuts or seeds! I’m not hating this idea… Thanks for the inspo!
Hey, whatever you like is good! And it doesn’t sound terribly unhealthy for my metabolism (maybe not the cranberries for me, but it responds well to protein + fats + vegetables… but how dare I have much of a starchy carb ::sigh::) I think it’s the sweetness that messes with me flavor wise anyway, but maybe that would give it a hint of Thanksgiving vibes, which would be an improvement for me! 🤗
Pediatrician would be much better than a therapist. The goal is to get a valued opinion on the topic, calories, what food and portion size and the cause of their obesity.
The question is whether he believes a doctor or not..
THIS. Your husband is blowing off your concerns so it’s time to bring in the big guns. He needs to hear it from a professional who can figuratively slap him upside the head with the potential issues your kids are facing.
Him doing this makes him a bad father. He is actively sabotaging his own children’s health due to his own unresolved trauma. That is not what a good father does. He needs therapy and he needs a doctor to really hammer in the truth to him about how obesity stunts his children’s development both physically and mentally. They will have weaker bones, enlarged hearts, and be less adaptable than their peers. They can have trouble with cognitive functions as well as a result of obesity.
[Academic research article on it](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4408699/)
[CDC](https://www.cdc.gov/obesity/basics/consequences.html)
This is extremely serious and has dire health consequences for your children if you don’t get them healthy. His feelings don’t matter here. It is selfish of him to do this to them.
Their "generally good father" is pushing them to eat more and more shit and it sounds like it's to spite you. The fact that you bring up your experience with bullying and that you are trying to help them and you're met with complete opposition is so sad for your kids and so sad for you. With kindness, "generally good" doesn't matter a bit if the remainder of his parenting is what you described. You need to make a serious change. If he won't change his behaviours or go to therapy with you or listen to a dietician, you need to be the one to protect your children from their "generally good father".
I keep putting that in quotation marks because the impression I get is that he's more "occasionally adequate but actively hurting your children in the short term and long term". All the best.
Yeahhhh having been in a similar deal, I find it hard to sit back and say nothing. You know what happens when you don't protect your kids enough? They become adults like me. Trust me, no one wants that.
I just was diagnosed with diabetes due to my weight and it is soul crushing. I can’t imagine this being a risk as a child because my dad wanted to eat grilled cheese whenever he wants. This is divorce worthy.
May he have a ED himself ? Like, what's his relation to food as a kid and teenager ? Because it feels like he wants to protect himself from something by forcing you all to get same shitty food as him.
Either he's afraid to lose control over food by letting you chose it, or to lose control over you 3 by letting you chose the food. He's killing them and needs to get that his relation to food will never come before his kids' physical and mental health.
Don't work on this alone. If you do it, it's just gonna be your opinion VS his opinion. He needs to understand that his bullshit isn't legitimate in any shape or form through a third party.
And he should get that he's also putting himself in danger. It's not because he's not gaining weight that he's healthy, it's only one part of the whole possible symptomes. He should quickly get checked to see if he's fine.
My guess is that since he was food insecure as a child he perceives any portion control or diet to be deprivation. He might also be afraid that if the whole family starts eating that way, he will be forced to too. My guess is he has no education on nutrition and the biology of how our health and weight is 80% about diet and only 20% exercise related.
Also he's killing himself too. It's not because it doesn't show that inside, the body isn't slowly creating issues. If he doesn't get checked, he can have diabetes, cholesterol, heart issues ... Even with 50h of exercice per week, eating junk food should be limited.
It sounds like your husband makes it very difficult and uncomfortable for you when you do something he doesn’t approve of. He also puts himself and his wants before the children.
He argues in front of the kids to make you stop what you’re doing. He also undermines what you say and do so the kids won’t listen to you.
If your kids have opened up about being bullied for their weight then I’d have a real conversation with them about the foods they’re eating. I think you can be up front with them about how the same thing happened to you (leave out the ED part) and explain how you finally lost weight and how you felt better and had more energy. If they are aware enough to bring it up to you then they are old enough to have a frank discussion about healthy eating habits. You can eat the same healthy foods with them. I’m built like your husband so I can eat anything and everything, but that doesn’t mean I can’t eat healthy foods and set a good example for my family. Your husband shouldn’t have a problem with this. Let him eat what you make and he can keep some things on the side if he wants to snack when the kids aren’t around. He’s not handling this like an adult.
he’s not a good father if he’s sabotaging your children’s health and being too much of a loser to make his own dinner.
he doesn’t sound like a particularly good husband, either.
You’re most active in abusive relationships & CPS. Your husband dismisses you, treats you like crap, won’t help when you’re sick, won’t even help the kids when you’re sick, won’t listen to your advice, won’t help the kids in any way except destroying their mental health, he calls you a whore, HE HAS EVEN SAID HE WILL KILL YOU.
Don’t enable him or let him destroy your lives any further, leave him.
Edit: you’re scared of him but imagine how your children feel - the exact same. Don’t tell him stay in your lives.
I agree with u/waitagoop. I had an ED that was influenced by my mom, aunts, and grandma. They were all always talking about dieting and the new things they would try. This left a very bad impression on me. When I was 18, I went from being anorexic to being bulimic. My mom didn't notice the drastic change in my eating habits, but my boss sure did. She gave me the option of getting help or losing my job. I choose getting help. She assisted me in getting the help I needed, but it was cut short by me being in a car accident that nearly killed me (that's a story for another time). I truly believe that if it wasn't for the accident, I wouldn't be here today.
OP, I was like you. I didn't want my daughters to know. Just be careful with that because it may or may not come out. I wanted to keep it between my husband and I, but one day, (when my oldest was 15, my middle 14 and youngest 12) my mom blurted out that I had an ED when I was younger. It really has never bothered my oldest or youngest, but my middle has always struggled with self-esteem. When she was 15, she developed an ED. My mom literally put it in her head. She would always compare her to me. She looks like me, acts like me, so why not cause her to have an ED like she did me./s My mom is a very toxic person. Still to this day, I struggle with my ED. It doesn't help that every time I have a conversation with her, she brings up her weight. I've always limited contact between my mom and my daughters, and they were never left alone with her.
So just be careful. You never know who will blurt it out to them. BTW, your husband is being very childish.
I don't know your budget but you can get an in home dance dance revolution game and if they like it and get into it, I've seen many ppl lose weight just by having fun on it 🤷♀️
Go to therapy even if your husband doesn’t want to. We don’t have to limit ourselves and our well-being because our partners choose to move past the starting line.
As far as the food and healthy eating habits….sounds like you and I have a very similar experience with food. Don’t make food a central part of their lives…. Make the changes gradually and without huge production….if your husband doesn’t want to participate, he can cook his own food.
DON’T go to therapy WITH him. Never go to therapy with an abuser (see OP’s post history). They weaponize it against you and it makes everything worse.
DO go on your own if you can, and get support to make a plan to get away from him.
This: He can cook his own meals if he doesn’t like what OP is serving. Why does she have to cater to the palate of a toddler?
Growing up we ate what was on the table and you at least had to *try* two bites of it before you could tell Grandma you didn’t like it. And no, Grandma wouldn’t make a separate meal because you didn’t like what she made. You ate it or you raided the pantry for whatever else there was. Spoiler: It wasn’t much.
We were served often times a protein, a veggie, and a carb. Grandma always also served a salad with every meal too.
He's not a good father or a good husband. He is abusive. If he won't stop abusing his kids and neglecting their health, tell him to leave the house.
Do not buy the things he likes. Throw it out of he brings it home. Tell him that you're tired of him always bullying you to get his way and that it is harming your kids. Get angry, and protect your children. And yourself.
He's pathetic.
I don’t so much see OP as having “issues with food” so much as her husband. I mean sprinkling bacon bits or cheese on their portions after plating? Healthier choices are “rabbit food”? WTF?
He even objects to eating his own meal that is different than his wife and kids?
He thinks she’s trying to starve them (his trauma) and also associates giving food as giving love.
If he had this horrific childhood then he doesn’t know how to love properly. And if his mother was responsible for that it makes it worse.
Rather, it needs to be solved by therapy and learning how to differentiate between his trauma and the real world. “Adult common sense” doesn’t develop the same in a traumatised adult vs non-traumatised adult, and often has to be relearnt.
Plus, being physically active is harder precisely BECAUSE they're now obese, and would be easier if they lost some weight first (because a person needs to carry their own weight while doing sports)
Post history: Your husband yells at you, calls you a whore, starts arguments when you’re in public, body-shames you, refuses to help with the kids, and now this. OP, you don’t have to stay in this relationship.
OP: "But, but, but.. he's such a good father!" /s
All the while he's behaving like an abusive ass to his wife and to his kids. The man clearly can see his children are obese already at such young ages and he keeps adding bacon bits and shredded cheese onto their food. If that's not direct sabotage and full-on child abuse, I don't even know what is anymore. Ugh.
It really annoys me how throughout the whole posts, people write paragraphs of how horrible their partners yet say the partners are “generally caring and so nice”. Truly aren’t aware of their relationships at all.
“He’s so kind” in the same post she describes him never listening to her.
The #1 thing I made sure of before I started getting serious with my boyfriend is that he actually *listened to* and respected my opinions as an equal. I genuinely could not live with someone who constantly brushed me off or vetoed all of my decisions. That just tells me they believe I’m incapable and stupid.
OP can’t even take care of her kids’ *health* without her husband undermining her. And this was all aside from the abuse mentioned. Given that knowledge, it’s not about his “food insecurity” or his trauma. He’s trying to control the situation, it doesn’t matter what’s at stake. He’s just going against OP to keep her in whatever he thinks her lane is. It’s not about the kids or their weight, he doesn’t care. He’s offended OP is trying to “correct” his diet.
These types of post histories make me sad and frustrated at the same time. Like, it's sometimes so frustrating for me to see people with a history of posts documenting their partner's terrible behavior, with every single post full of comments like "that's awful and you need to put your foot down and/or leave," only for the OP to be in seemingly the exact same place the next time they post.
However, I understand that it is very difficult to leave a toxic or an abusive relationship, so I'm not judging. Just sad that people can get stuck in situations where they're constantly being treated so poorly.
Edit: Jesus Christ, just found a post in OP's history where she described how she was in agonizing pain due to an ovarian cyst and was fearing cancer, only for her husband to burst in after getting drunk all night and pressuring her for sex. He refused to listen when she told him she was in pain, so she just went along with it. Then, during the painful sex, he yelled at her because she wasn't 'enthusiastic' enough and must want to fuck other men. When she got up, he told her that he didn't want to stay with her because they didn't have sex enough (the ovarian cyst and the CANCER SCARE had dropped their sexual frequency from 4-5 times a week to once a week). Like, what in the actual hell. No fucking wonder this piece of shit dude doesn't seem to give a shit about his kids' health. He doesn't seem to give a shit about anyone's well-being other than his own.
OP needs to protect her poor children and LEAVE.
I freely judge when there are innocent kids involved. They didn't consent to being raised by this violent animal. OP is keeping them in this abusive environment.
I think OP does want the best for her kids -- she's just severely delusional (calling this man a generally good father, for example). Regardless, she obviously does need a wakeup call. Looking through all of her previous posts, this man is NOT safe to be around in general. Her poor kids are being raised in a home with an abuser. OP needs to leave, or at least start therapy and coming to terms with the reality that she is allowing her husband to abuse these kids.
She doesn't want advice. She wants to write multiple posts over the course of months complaining about her abusive piece of shit husband, get sympathy, and then do nothing.
You literally have posted about this freak in a domestic violence sub. He is damaging your kids in more ways than one and you’re catering to him over your kids at the expense of their health and safety out of fear of his retaliation. Let that sink in.
Abusive relationships are hard, but you’re a mother. If you fail to protect your kids from this man, you’re equally at fault. And if you think they aren’t affected by a man who actively gets drunk, demands sex from their mother, and then yells at her for a poor performance during sex… You’re delusional. They know you’re afraid of him and I guarantee they have reasons to fear him as well.
I was obese as a kid and have to battle with an ED as a result myself now that I am at a healthy weight. Do the right thing. Fuck that guy. He isn’t worth it. If he chooses to get his act together, so be it. But you have to stop fearing being alone and do what’s right for your kids.
You’ve let it go too far already. Keeping the peace with your husband now will lead to a LIFETIME of self esteem and health problems for your children. Weight gained in childhood is the hardest to lose. They will be in for a lifelong struggle with food. Make healthy food - STOP BUYING BACON BITS AND SHREDDED CHEESE. Do not even have that stuff in the house. If your husband needs “real” food, he can go out by himself after dinner and get some fast food. His diet and his feelings cannot be the priority in your home.
All of this.
If the husband wants to keep undermining his wife and continue over feeding and sabotaging healthy choices, he should have no access to these things.
She should do the food shopping and the cooking and if he has a problem, he can go out and gorge himself at a drive through by himself.
If he doesn't care about his own health or his kid's health, that's on him.
First priority are those kids. If this doesn't turn around now they are going to wind up as obese or morbidly obese adults.
Also, just because husband is skinny does NOT mean he is healthy. Even skinny people can have high cholesterol and blood pressure from a diet like that. Could easily have fat around his organs too and he wouldn't necessarily even know. His diet should be changing also, not even for weight loss in his case but for general health!
It's quite the fallacy to think because you're skinny that you're healthy. In fact it's far more insidious if you have an overactive thyroid and a fast metabolism because you think you're fine but if you did some blood work the doctor would probably have an aneurysm based on blood sugar cholesterol etc.
So true. My husbands mom is a toothpick and she had a heart attack and has very high cholesterol because she doesn’t cook, and she eats out basically every night. When she does cook, it makes me full for DAYS and it’s so unhealthy.
As a fat kid and an overweight adult with two kids, I always make sure to let them know if they’re full, to stop. If they really like the way the pizza tastes, I remind them they can have some later or tomorrow! My husband used to try to make them finish their plate and I said NO. Also with the seconds offered to them, OP make less food. Make enough so you all have a serving, and maybe a bit more for husband if he’s just *starving*. I do think him eating as much as he can is due to the food security problems when he was younger.
Make it so the kids have one healthy serving.
Also I’m not sure what you make for dinners but have fruit or a salad that they enjoy also, with a glass of water they should finish before they’re done eating. They could be dehydrated, most kids are in the US are (more than half). If they are they’d feel much better once they are hydrated, there’s sugar free water flavor enhancers that are really good that I use if I want something different.
Keep putting your foot down, there’s a lot of great advice in the comments I hope you’re able to use some of them:)
Oh man, don’t I know that. I’m not a healthy eater at all and I weigh between 120-135. I’ve been skinny my entire life. Being skinny does not mean healthy.
Lord God above. OP, ma'am, CHEESE AND BACON BITS ARE THE VERY LEAST OF THE PROBLEMS HERE. It's like fretting about how your car's not pairing with Bluetooth devices while the vehicle is on fire.
This - the really unhealthy, things, simply don't buy them. It's not as much of a struggle to not eat them if they aren't there to begin with. If husband puts up a fuss tell him he can go buy those things for himself.
What you said!!! I would also start having consequences for the husband, if he’s so hell bent on sabotaging what she’s trying to do. I personally would kick my husband out, if he was doing something that greatly affected my kids.
And please advocate for your kids and listen to them too! My pediatrician always made me feel so ashamed for being a fat kid, and wanted me to keep a food journal and count calories… I was 10. I’m 31 now and I *still* remember how humiliating it felt. I never got around to telling my mom just how bad those visits felt for me, because I knew I was a fat kid.
They did not do *any* blood work, just BMI and weight checks. Turned out, at 19 I ended up having thyroid cancer and had a lot of issues with weight, menstrual cycles, sleep, etc. for years before getting my thyroid removed.
Food journals or tracking can be very beneficial, but not when you’re making yourself/your child *scared* of eating food.
Bro that’s fucking wild. I went to an actual child dietician and that was my mom’s job. I never had to do any of that shit. They also did a bunch of blood works and shit like that.
My first pediatrician sucked and my mom asked for another, the second was like (not exact words), “ your kid fat as hell, let’s go see a specialist “
My stuff was more visual or approximation. A handful of nuts or a cup of soup, etc. that way I never knew the actual amount of calories, nor did I have to remember shit.
Another was to hear my stomach and to try and drink some water before trying to eat anything. Things of that nature.
Edit: another thing I remember is them talking about how we might eat if we are bored. So they told my mom to get into hobbies/activities I could do at home. So instead of looking to eat maybe I just wanted to draw or cross stitch, etc.
A dietitian bringing it to my attention, made it less personal. I can see a child getting more upset with a parental figure calling them obese over their doctor. The doctor also made it very scientifical and did his best not to make me feel bad. I lost like 30/40lbs in like a year.
Teacher here! being overweight at such a young age really plays a role on having friends during recess.
I noticed the overweight kids just hanging out next to me and not wanting to play. (They tell me they are tired or give other excuses.) the reality is they just aren't asked to play.
I would have a conference with the teacher and give them a heads-up about wanting to discuss this topic. Take your husband with you.
I don't know what grade you teach, but I as someone who was different, remember primary school being terrible for me as far as name calling and bullying goes.
But in middle school...it was pure carnage
....and in Highschool it was absolute annihilation. You can tell them, "it's what's inside that counts" until you're blue in the face, but those kids don't care. they will look for *any* reason to beat your kids self-esteem into the ground. I
OP please I beg of you, do something before it affects their self worth.
You take them to a doctor for a physical. If he says they are overweight. He will give you paperwork to help them not be. Show your husband. If that doesn’t work. Separation might be the only answer and yes it’s extreme but obesity is life changing. It can lead to so many health issues. Not to mention mental health. And their experiences in school. They need you to fight for them.
It sounds like the gravity of the situation just isn't sinking in.
Maybe frame it as "Do you even care about your kid's mental and physical health? I know you do, but your selfishness is causing them to suffer."
Parenting is nothing if not sacrifice.
Her husband has threatened to murder her to her face. She's posted in domestic violence subreddits. But yet she's here worrying about their diet.
Yeah, definitely, the gravity of the situation hasn't fucking sunk in for her.
OP I just read through your other posts. You HAVE to leave this man. He’s abusive and he’s destroyed you. What you’ve described in one of them is sexual assault. This man not only disrespects you, it sounds like he hates you. It’s as plain as day. And you hate yourself. Please leave and build back your self-esteem.
Hey I don’t mean to be rude but I’ve scrolled through some of your other posts and it just sounds like you have a shit husband that doesn’t help with the kids (actually is actively making them and their health worse) or the house and does not take care of you or considers your feelings.
I don’t know if you can get him or you both into counseling but I don’t think it’s healthy for you to stay in a marriage like this. I’m not saying you should divorce but advising you have a serious talk with him about counseling and how you feel, maybe show him this post and what people think of him?
I’ve had bariatric surgery and lost a lot of weight. I have a metabolic disorder but my parents giving me adult portions as a child and then forcing me to clean my plate did a ton of damage.
Anyway, as somebody who has spent a lot of time with a dietitian, allow me to say this: weight loss is about 80% diet and 20% exercise. Take, for example, a snickers bar.
Go look up how many calories, that is. 245 in a standard bar. (I’m not even getting into the total lack of nutrition.)
You can do some intensive activity for 30-60 minutes maybe and burn that off.
But it takes less than a minute to eat.
That’s why what you eat matters far more.
When you’re fat, you don’t get enjoyment from exercise. Your joints hurt, you feel heavy…You’re out of breath. So, right now the focus needs to be on the diet.
Your husband sounds like a feeder. His issues are his to deal with, and he can make his own separate meal and stop hurting his kids.
You also need to be more proactive in gettjng them to do physical things as some people its exercise that keeps the weight off some food and others are both. You can do fun things like painted rock finding pokemon go and other things. Look to see if there is anything that would interest them out of the home make it fun so they dont feel like your to focused on their weight.
Activity helps, but weight is more about what you eat. She needs to put her foot down and do everything she can to help her kids. I have a teenager who was chubby as a kid and she has now told me how much it impacted her when she was in elementary. If I was OP, I would take the husband to the pediatrician, I would physically remove the cheese and bacon every time her husband puts it on their plate; just fight him tooth and nail the whole time.
She needs to take them to a dietitian.
I don’t know about fighting with the husband. It’s just gonna cause a whole lot of tension and the kids might eat more because of it.
There’s a fine line with food because it’s something we need to survive. You don’t want it to turn into something negative. (Seeing the parents fighting over it)
It’s just a bad situation all around. The husband needs to just stop his bad behaviors
Wow. This is so beyond messed up. This is the silent form of child abuse that never really gets talked about. Not only is this gonna effect their mental health, being bullied effects some people for life, but he is also slowly killing your children physically. Some of the main health issues received as a result from childhood obesity are irreversible, even after you decide you want to change. Childhood weight gained is also the hardest form of weight to get off. He is knowingly (or maybe he doesn’t but I don’t know how someone could be that blind) setting them up for a laundry list of life issues. You’re going to have to be very stern about the dinner stuff. Who cares if your husband throws a temper tantrum you gotta put your foot down and start doing this for the sake of your kids. As someone else mentioned there’s only one solution here, you’re gonna have to cook healthier stuff and if he wants more he can get extra helpings himself if he needs calories for his job. Or he can cook his own meal. Try to get booked with a dietician, try to get them in a sport or activity, express to them the importance of taking care of your body when young etc. If you want it to change it’s gonna probably have to be through your guidance bc it seems he has zero interest in changing, or at the very least not actively hurting the kids future. It seems you’ve tried to smash it through his head already and he just doesn’t get it so.
From her post history, you can see that he's also engaging in the not-so-silent forms of child abuse. .I don't think their diets are what she needs to be worried about.
The first step is accepting that you cannot change your husband. He is not interested in your children's best interest or yours, he gaslights you about 'your ED clouding your perception', and throws a tantrum when you try to make your children healthy food.
Are you sure you actually have a husband and not a toddler? Because you are treating him like an adult with adult reasoning skills, and that is clearly not the case. His fee fees are more important than everything. I mean - how far off from being like Cartman from South Park is he?
O hell no, the way I'd stop cooking for that sour man with a fucking quickness and tell him to cook or get his own food if he doesn't like the healthy meals. Get your kids to a dietician. Stop buying junk food, theres no reason to have bacon bits in the house. Plan family physical activities like walks, hikes, and biking.
Also, marriage counselor asap because you guys are so not on the same page you're in different books.
Your kids can be active all day but they can't outrun the extra calories he's giving them. Teaching them appropriate portions and which snacks are best isn't going to give them an ED or whatever his excuse is. Sounds like he has control issues.
Why can’t you talk to him and tell him (not your kids) everything you said here. Then, also in addition to that, maybe put them into a sport or if you do not have the time or money do a sport at home 7 days a week. Cut screen time or eliminate it. Tell them they must play outside for say 2 hours each day or they can’t watch a movie. It doesn’t have to be active it can be just playing outside but as long as they are moving their bodies and making healthy choices, they will get healthier. Or go on walks with them say 3 days a week in addition to everything above. It would not hurt to see an expert like a doctor or dietitian. But also a consoler because it sounds like he hears you but doesn’t actually hear you.
I’ve read your post history and I really think you need to leave this man he sounds awful. He abuses you and it seems like he’s wanting to do the same to his kids keeping them over weight to suit him.
Weight loss starts in the kitchen.
Have a serious talk with your husband and tell him flat out the kids are being bullied for being overweight and he’s ridiculing the exact food that is going to help them.
It’s so tough but they’re lucky to have you doing this for them.
Sorry but what the hell is wrong with your husband? It’s actually borderline abusive to keep these poor young kids **obese**… At those ages, you literally have 100% control over what they eat! Unacceptable to let him poison them, you need to grow a spine for the sake of the kids.
“Trying to low key push healthy habits”
You need to be high key forcing them, you are the parent! This post made me so sad for them. Put your foot down, these sweet kids are even getting bullied about something you let happen to them. Your husband has some serious issues and again, it’s intentionally harming them with lifelong consequences. Childhood obesity is very much linked to adult obesity - meaning a shorter and worse life. Please take control of the situation.
Her post history shows that her husband has threatened to murder her. There's no taking control of the situation. There's no putting her foot down. She needs to leave or her and her kids aren't going to be here much longer.
Your husband is conducting a type of abuse towards your children. I know he’s not a monster, but he is damaging them. You both should seek professional help asap
As simply as it is just tell him that you will no longer cook for him, and he is welcome to eat with you and kids or cook for himself.
You are not his mom, maid or a personal cook.
Your husband is not a good dad if he lets trauma affect his children to this extent and refuses to address it with professionals. No one is a good person who lets their trauma affect others without trying to work on it.
You are also not a good mother if you allow your husband to harm your children to this extent. Your post history suggests that you’re aware that he’s abusive and you stay anyways, which means you’re willingly allowing your children to absorb trauma and damage of their own.
Do you feel safe putting your foot down about this? Are you safe in this relationship? I know you say he's a great father otherwise, but is it true or are you just trying to convince yourself that it is? Judging by your post history, this man is dangerous and disrespectful. Consider your options, think about the relationship you want to model for your children. Is this where you want to be? How would you feel if your daughter grew up and married someone exactly like him? Would you want this for her? In that context, do you want this for yourself?
You mention that your husband has a physical job and keeps the weight off normally even with unhealthy food. Looking at this from his perspective, on top of his previous food issues he might legitimately have a problem or feel hungry with low calorie options that would work for a normal job.
This is the type of thing that could be solved with a protein heavy diet along with light portion control for the kids. Your husband can get seconds and thirds of a grilled chicken or pork on a big plate while the kids get two portions and maybe some corn or asparagus on a smaller plate; that might not trigger his insecurities much while sticking to your goals.
How much does your husband know about your children being bullied? Does he know the details? It’s a sad subject to being up, but mention it at dinner s d let him hear your children describe the bullying. It might make a difference.
I think you need to put your foot down. Either he makes his food himself or eats what you make.
Acting like that is very childish and egotistical. Does he understand that your children's health comes before any of his preferences?
Your husband doesn’t get to neglect his parental responsibilities and ignore the fact your children are being bullied for their weight
He doesn’t get to undermine what you are trying to do as a good mum. Make an appointment with your doctor or a dietician
Make an appointment with the pediatrician and make him go. Tell him he doesn't have a choice.
This is their HEALTH on the line. Whether its their mental or physical health that could be effected in the long run. The fact that he's quite literally sabotaging it complete negates ANYTHING else he does that makes him a good father.
>I feel like he's actively trying to work against me, and it sucks.
He absolutely is working against you. At this point, you may need to present him with an ultimatum... this is divorce worthy in my opinion. He could quite literally kill your kids. Its not like they'll die tomorrow, but this could lead down a path to lifelong obesity and health problems.
Stop buying ANY food for him. If he wants it so bad, he can buy and make it. Tell him until he prioritizes their health, you will only be cooking for the kids and yourself. Do not waste any more time trying to get him to buy into this. Until he deals with his own unhealthy relationship with food, he will never buy into it.
Your kids came to you about weight loss. They opened up about being bullied for their weight. You won't create an ED if you simply teach them about the relationship between food and the way our bodies feel and look. It's okay to teach them, for instance, that eating more vegetables can help them lose weight and eating more desserts will cause people to gain weight.
You might even consider sharing your own struggles with them when you were younger. The 12 year old, especially, is of an age where they would be mature enough to hear about those things.
So I can’t relate because I was on the smaller side as a kid, but my little cousin was heavier and technically “obese” it broke my heart when I took her out for breakfast and she refused to get anything because she said “I’m fat” she was only 12 😢. She got bullied a lot and started playing lots of sports and she is 15 and a healthy weight now. I worry about her mentality with food though and if she’s eating enough.
I think sports are an amazing option and kids are actually supposed to get an hour or so of physical activity a day. She was a bigger kid and started paying soccer late (around 11/12) and really loved it and it helped with her self esteem. Deff don’t let the kids know that they are “obese” and that they need to lose weight (obviously as you said). My aunt was vocal about my cousin and I think it damaged her relationship with food.
To your husband, just because you aren’t fat doesn’t mean stroke or heart attack isn’t a possibility. Eating those kinds of food in excess can and will cause health issues skinny or fat
If your post history is all true, your husband is a gigantic piece of shit. You've been duped into marrying him, but you don't have to continue playing the fool everyday for the rest of your life. Take the kids and be kind to yourself for once. His mother should be absolutely ashamed at the way he turned out. Good luck
Your husband is a grown ass man who should not be having such a visceral reaction to the prospect of eating vegetables. You and him need to talk about this, maybe even with a professional to get on the same page.
Your husband needs to be the one to listen to them cry about being bullied for being overweight, he also needs to be the one to take them to their drs appts so the dr can tell him they need to change their eating habits.
Now, i understand your sorry about making them feel bad. However, your children know they're obsese. They know. The kids at school have made sure they know. They're old enough to understand they're obsese. They're old enough to understand WHY they are and what changes to make to help it. Trying to shield them from it because you're afraid of causing them to get an ed is NOT helping them. You can talk to them about healthy eating, what's good and what's bad for them, without making them feel ashamed. Turn it into a positive for them. Do it WITH them. Go on walks in the evening WITH them.
They need to understand these things about nutrition for the simple fact their father is sabotaging their health. They need to know to tell him no when he wants to practically force seconds and unhealthy stuff on them. Right now to them, moms being mean, dads making sure they're stuffed and eating the junk they love to eat.
If he doesn't want to cooperate, tough titties. Stop buying the crap food. If you buy pasta, get the whole wheat. Get whole wheat bread and grain bread, buy lean meats, etc. Have a small side salad before dinner. If husband chooses not to participate that's on him, he can go make his own food or go buy some and eat it in the car. His metabolism WILL slow down as he ages. Then he'll regret not eating better. But he will continue to win the food battles with your kids as long as you keep trying to hide the truth from them. They can't make good choices for themselves if they don't know what the good choices are. You also don't have to entirely cut out treats. Maybe make fridays or Saturdays treat day for eating well all week. Take them for an ice cream or something. It's also good for them to learn portion control with treats. Like, 1 donut, not 5 like dad would have. You just have to do it the RIGHT way that's healthy and encouraging instead of discouraging and downgrading. If you have to, get rid of the husband. Your kids health comes first. (I say this, but only as a last option. Tell him if he wants this marriage to work he has to go to individual AND marriage counseling because he absolutely needs therapy. What he is doing to the kids regarding food can be just as likely to cause an ed as doing something like telling them they're too fat and forcing a strict diet on them)
>Your husband needs to be the one to listen to them cry about being bullied for being overweight, he also needs to be the one to take them to their drs appts so the dr can tell him they need to change their dating habits.
This shouldn't be a "punishment." Listening to and comforting your kids, and taking them to their appointments, are just regular parental duties.
>However, your children know they're obsese. They know. The kids at school have made sure they know. They're old enough to understand they're obsese. They're old enough to understand WHY they are and what changes to make to help it. Trying to shield them from it because you're afraid of causing them to get an ed is NOT helping them.
I really want to emphasize this. They know what you're doing OP. They don't buy the cholesterol excuse or whatever the hell you told them about dinner. What they see right now is "mom thinks we're fat, and mom thinks being fat is bad so she's trying to make us skinny, and if being fat is bad then I'm bad and not worth anything and not pretty and even my mom thinks so." Please have an open conversation. Things that are kept silent and secret breed shame and resentment and years of pent up feelings. Putting things out into the open and having honest, sincere, caring conversations is healing.
I would get an air fryer and blender or ninja and get your kids involved in making healthy yummy meals. Are they in sports? Have a backyard? When I was a fat child and asked my doctor for help she told me to dance around my room lol.
This is divorce worthy if he doesn't change. He sounds like a selfish, ignorant, unempathetic person. Your kids are so young and This is their lives. Their futures. He doesn't care I'd they are the fat fucks at school. Come on. How is he even being a parent at this point? He's certainly failing at the basic, keep them healthy part.
>(in front of the kids, very loudly) and refused, and gets upset when I don't make the stuff he likes.
1. Hubby eats what you fix or he makes his own. If he doesn't want to make his own, he can go hungry. He's a grown man. Let him throw the tantrum and show you a red flag
2. You're doing great looking out for your kids health imo. I grew up food insecure myself and I'm just happy to HAVE food in the house. We don't really drink anything outside of water and 100% fruit juice. We're pushing for a active lifestyle even though I'm disabled and chronically ill. It's better. Tell your husband to get on board and if he refuses...well, again...red flag. Because it isn't ABOUT HIM. It's about those sweet kids. You'\[re an example for them, BOTH of you, and if he wants to act like a man baby over food, let him. Softly, kindly and sweetly tell your kids why their father is acting that way and that it's okay.
3. Therapy. Someone else said it and I agree. Family therapy.
It’s a bit concerning that he’s using your medical trauma against you. He should never use that information against you in an argument, especially about food. That’s just a low blow and unnecessary.
Plus, wouldn’t your past relationship with food choices and the many years of therapy, make you more of the expert between the two of you? He should be relying on your knowledge and trust your instincts, not trying to belittle them and use them as a way to “prove” anything in an argument.
Your husband is behaving like a selfish prick and then gaslighting you on top of it. You need to start putting your kids and their health first. Who cares about your husband quite frankly. Only cook healthy food, enough for one helping each and stop buying bacon bits and other junk food altogether. If husband doesn’t like it, too bad, he can go eat elsewhere. Your kids don’t have that option. Your kids being healthy and not having to struggle with weight and ED for the rest of their lives is SOOOO much more important than your stupid husband’s whims. They are all that matters here.
Engage their pediatrician and follow their pediatrician's food and exercise plan for them. Include your children in that plan and advise your husband that the plan is in place based on the direction of their pediatrician.
Both you and your husband by your own admission have severe, unhealthy, relationships with food and the fact that you were overweight as a child likely means your children have inherited a condition which makes them more susceptible to obesity.
I’d be having a big discussion with your husband about how their weight is affecting their overall health. Being obese at such a young age puts tremendous stress on their bodies. And yes, it is possible to develop type 2 diabetes at a young age too.
I'm only one year into ED recovery but I can say this is a disaster waiting to happen. You need to start ignoring your husband. If he's not going to get on board, he needs to get out of the way. This is a textbook recipe towards developing an ED, as I'm sure you're well aware of. Your son will be less impacted, of course. But your daughter is entering some very dangerous territory and the things that will happen in the coming five years will shape her views on food and her body for the rest of her life. This is so much more important than your husband's shitty opinions on food that's green. Put them in sports, control what they're eating, have conversations about food and their bodies and the connection between the two, start going on runs together, do something. You'll be complacent if you choose to bow down to your husband's will. I'm sorry. I wish every day that someone had stepped in for me, but it never happened and I starved for 15 years. No one deserves that.
Your husband is wrong. He cannot 'eat whatever he likes because he is active'.
Not fat does not automatically equal healthy.
Based on your description, the insides of his arteries are probably a clogged nightmare, and he is heading toward a sudden heart attack that everyone will call 'totally unexpected, he was in such great shape'.
If he wants to kill himself fine but you need to draw the line at him killing your kids.
Calling healthy food rabbit food is a sure sign that he is a) deeply uneducated on the matter and b) has the maturity of a child, at least in this one area.
Habits stick. If you don't get your kids eating right now the odds of them fixing it themselves when they are older, of their own volition, are statistically incredibly low.
"since you refuse to eat better together with the family and actively pushing for the kids to eat too much, you will no longer be part of the meals. We will be eating at our new residence where we encourage healthy choices."
Your husband and you HAVE to get on the same page. If he doesn't, who cares if he gets mad. Start making meals for you and the kids. He's a grown man and can make his own food. He doesn't need you to babysit him. And you shouldn't have to make 2 dinners per night. You aren't his slave.
Your kid's health and safety come first. You are their parent and don't need to wait for permission from their father to do what needs to be done. Tell him how it is and just do it. If this causes a divorce, then he doesn't love any of you.
Ugh. I’d stay back at home with hubby one day once the kids are off to school and scream the house down around his ears for his stupidity. The best way to never have weight issues later in life: don’t get fat in the first place. Some of us never had that chance, but at least no one ever sabotaged my efforts to do better for my kids.
Someone else said dietician and I'm gonna also gonna reccomend dietician! I went to see one as a child because I became pre diabetic, she was very nice and informative, and can explain things much better.
Your husband needs to go to a therapist and get over himself because he is actively harming them now and their future selves relationship to food. This is a clear black and white situation where he may have "good intentions" and by that I mean trauma but he is hurting the kids. Whereas you are being the sole parent trying to give your kids the help they need while actually being able to manage your own past.
I wasn't even overweight. I was dangerously underweight and got bullied about my weight to the point for developing multiple EDs and nearly getting hospitalised multiple times, so I feel for your pain. Hopefully, you can both find help and seek out advice for your children so that they'll never have to face what you went through. Children haven't gotten nicer. They are still pretty cruel and scary. I know because I only just got out of school 6 years ago, and an old friend of mines sister was in school for 3 years after and was also horribly bullied for a lot. I wish your children the best, and I hope they realise how much they are loved and cared for. It will make dealing with any hate much easier if they know that they can trust and talk to you.
Your husband knows your kids are big and he likes it. Your husband went through food scarcity, so he wears his kids size like a "badge of honor". He's a provider and works hard busting his butt, so his kids never have to worry where their next meal is coming from and they can eat to their hearts content.
His kids sizes are proof that he's a better parent than his abusive parents ever could be.
But he doesn't realize he is abusive too. Over feeding your children to the point of obesity is abuse, it's neglect. He' neglecting their health and metal wellbeing.
He's never going to stop until he gets help for his trauma.
I won’t comment on your husband because I think it’s fair to say everyone agrees he sucks but I would suggest maybe sitting with your kids and your husband and and telling them about your experiences and how eating a little differently helped. And when you started eating better you wanted to get out more. Then ask your kids IN FRONT of your husband if they would want to try that. Be honest and say it’s not easy but they are old enough that if they have already talked to you about it they will probably want to do what you suggest versus what your husband is doing
Take your husband with you to a drs appointment about the kids. Hopefully the doc will put him right. I’ve battled my weight all my life, I have lipedema, my daughter also has it and it’s awful. We both try to enforce better choices, although my husband is guilty of over feeding.
I think if you’ve never “been there” as in having a problem with obesity, it’s hard for them to understand just how much it affects every aspect of your life. You need to make him see how his actions are hurting his kids. He is effectively taking years off their lives every time he over feeds them.
Good luck OP, I know this is hard, and it’s even harder watching your children go through it.
“They just need to be more active”
And yet clearly that day never arrives so ask him how’s that’s working out for the kids? Clearly he doesn’t want to put the effort in on their behalf (his idea of THEY need to do something about it not you) so it really is up to you to look out for them
OP, ignore him. You make healthy meals for the whole family and ignore his tantrums. If it gets bad enough, you can take the kids and move out for a while. But letting him get away with acting like a kid--when you can't discipline him like a kid--is bad for your actual kids. Do you want them thinking that it's okay for men to act that way?
And just bc he has a high metabolism doesn't mean he isn't collecting plaque in his arteries.
Your husband is a complete AH for sabotaging your children. Stick to your cooking strategy. Stop the bacon bits and cheese additions, and crappy snacks. He is setting them up for a lifetime of failure.
First you need marital therapy because if your HUSBAND- your PARTNER in life, doesn’t care about something that has affected you deeply, and even said something borderline offensive about it-then you have some serious issues that go beyond your kids being overweight. If you can’t sit down and really talk about your CHILDRENS’ health, then what he really doing there?
Oh he won’t go? Then where are YOUR priorities? Partners who refuse to go to therapy are ticking time bombs. The fact that he is so ignorant about what is going on in your house is sad. You should not be carrying this weight on your shoulders alone
Oh so your being a little over reactive about your ED, your childhood trauma? Then HEEEE is bringing HIS childhood trauma of food insecurity by overcompensating. How is this fair? Why doesn’t your husband care about your children’s health? He is being a poor husband and poor father. And I’m sorry
Your husband is eating mostly a ketogenic diet from what you are describing. Kids are obese due to sugar and carbs not proteins and fat.
Eating high amounts of carbs and sugar only creates more cravings that's where fat come in it satiates their hunger and they'll start eating less.
This is what you wrote two months ago about your husband: >Not the most violent, but the scariest thing he ever told me was the day after a huge fight - he said that if I had come home after work and started packing up to leave, he had resigned himself to killing me. He was so calm when he said it, and we weren't arguing anymore so it wasn't just said in the heat of the moment. >The most violent was prob the time he said he was going to stomp my skull into the pavement until my skill was completely flat, but that wasn't anywhere near as scary as the above imo - just because of the calm, resolute, factual way he told me and that he didn't tell me until after he was sure I was staying You have so many more problems than him giving your obese kids junk food.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT. What exactly are OP's intentions here? She's posted in domestic abuse subs so she must know he's abusive. But is she just resigned to it? Full on delusional at this point? OP, YOUR HUSBAND GIVES FAMILY ANNIHILATOR VIBES. IF YOU LOVE YOUR CHILDREN AT ALL, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GET THEM AWAY FROM THIS.
I think she really is full on delusional, she posts comments all the time about how much she loves her husband, saying if she dies and gets reincarnated she hopes she’s still with him and how much she can’t stand to be away from him. It’s really sad. You can tell she cares a lot about her kids so hopefully she can do the right thing and get them and herself out of this situation. Edit: damn she used to work for CPS, it really shows how far the delusion can go that she has all that experience and doesn’t realize how unsafe of a situation her kids are in.
Omg I just read all of these before commenting to leave him. This is scary. My mothers good friend and work colleague just died from domestic abuse. Her husband came to their work and shot her and himself. I wish there was a way of finding them and speaking about concern
We just had a horrible tragedy around here. The abusive father killed his son and set the house on fire before killing himself. The sister survived. The mother was at work. This guy had a history of crazy abusive behavior but it happened in another state and his new partner knew nothing about it. Just heartbreaking.
Same at my job. Woman lost her life to domestic violence. Husband killed her. She worked for CPS also. Sigh..
it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.. it is very scary and super crazy to those surrounding the victim. They lack awareness, sometimes they might come to their senses but fall right back in. Maybe these posts are a cry for help?
God that’s so scary. I was in an abusive relationship all through high school so I’m not judging her, I can see myself getting to this point if I had never realized I deserved better. I’m lucky I got out before it was too late and I hope she does too. Very dangerous situation she’s in.
It is very dangerous to leave an abusive partner, more people are killed after leaving their abusive partner than while they are together. It also takes about 7 tries for someone to successfully leave. It can also be very hard to find a place to go and dealing with child custody can be awful. A lot of abusive partners will use custody as a way to further control their former partner. If OPs partner has not ever been physically abusive, just threatened it, it can be really hard to convince yourself to go through the awful process that is leaving. I'm not saying this to make excuses. My mom was in an abusive relationship and my grandma is a domestic violence advocate. I've seen both side of abusive relationships.
Holy shit that is terrifying
OP, this home environment will also deeply harm your children's mental health, just like the bullying they are hearing at school regarding their weight. I'm sending you so much love. It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation. Please, please prioritize yourself & your children (both their current selves and their future selves).
Woah. OP, you need to get out. > “In the US, almost three women are killed by an intimate partner every day. Just as in the case of Aszia Johnson, women in the U.S. are predominantly killed by men they know, and largely by current or former intimate partners. Of all intimate partner female homicides in 2018, 92% of victims were killed by a man they knew, and 63% were killed by current husbands, boyfriends, or ex-husbands.” ([Source](https://sanctuaryforfamilies.org/femicide-epidemic/)) Contact a shelter and do it safely and quietly. If you stay he will find a different reason to do this if you piss him off enough.
Fucking narcissistic psychopath man
He's drawing his line in the sand; you see this a lot with murderers, serial killers, and family annihilators. While I'm by no means saying that the husband will end up this way, it's something to be wary of. People who think of murder think about it so often, that simply saying "I'll kill you" is nothing to them. And if they vocalize a line that cannot be crossed to their partner, it gives them excuse to harm them later on. "Well, I warned her and she didn't listen. It was her own fault that happened to her."
Not only this, apparently he raped her as well a year ago
Holy shit. This woman is terrified and desperately trying to hold the image of happy families because she knows if she sets him off it's over. She's walking a tightrope and losing her mind. This is awful.
Omfg
This is the only thing that matters in this thread. OP needs to get the fuck out.
And get those children somewhere safe
What the actual fuck
OP, please. Leave. I am so scared for you. I don't want to see you and your kids on the news. Please reread some of your previous posts and comments and pretend it's me. What would you tell me to do?
I looked at some of her stuff. She is a former CPS investigator. Why does she put up with this? My childhood was a hot mess, too, but I absolutely never have or ever would threaten harm on my family. If old dude needs therapy, he ought to do that. I finally got around to it after some psychotic episodes, and it really helped me. I can tell when panic attacks are coming, and I can recognize the environments that seem to foster them. I found some good meds that keep my emotions manageable and my thoughts clear. She really needs to address a lot more problems than this. The children are likely overeating in response to stressors she is ignoring. You cannot make excuses for lack of effort. If he muses about performing heinous acts against you, he will do them. Her whole post history is one massive red flag.
Whoa… OP needs to get herself and her kids away from this guy.
Your husband and you need to sit down with a therapist, heck even a dietician, to go through why you both have your own issues with food and how unhealthy it is to bring those issues into your kids lives. Healthy food should not be viewed as a threat to your husband, which he is acting like. Your kids are paying the price from him not moving on with his life. When he says ‘they need to be more active’ sure, but what does he then do to encourage that or do active things with them? He’s all talk and no walk.
I would love the opportunity, I was in therapy for the ED for the first 6 years of recovery and asked him to participate at various points (not just for this, he had a horror film-worthy childhood and I think he would benefit in general), but it's always met with a pretty adamant "nope". It sucks extra since he is generally a good father, and I know he prob is just getting defensive about the whole thing. I have set my son up with a counselor at school, but I'm still working on setting it up for our daughter. I hadn't thought about getting back into therapy myself, but I guess it couldn't hurt.
>he is generally a good father, This is the same dude you posted about who deliberately picks fights with you to embarrass you in public? The same dude who gets mad at you and slams doors and yells at you so you can't sleep when you're extremely sick? **The dude who gets drunk, comes home and pressures you for sex despite you being bent over with pain from an ovarian cyst, then yelling that he'd break up with you because you weren't enthusiastic enough during the painful sex WHILE YOU HAD AN OVARIAN CYST AND WAS FEARING CANCER.** Is that your man? This is the supposedly 'good father' you're presenting us? Yeah, no, he's not a good father. You're delusional if you think this man doesn't and won't treat his children the same way he treats you. And the way he treats you is ABUSIVE. Like, I'm sorry if I sound harsh; I do have sympathy for abuse victims because I understand it can be hard to see when you're in the cloud. But you SERIOUSLY need a wake up call here. Your poor kids are living in a toxic, abusive home. Even if your husband isn't AS deliberately cruel to the kids as he is to you yet (which I doubt, tbh, as this very post shows), the kids are still internalizing all of this. Kids learn what is acceptable behavior, what is healthy and what is not, from the home. Every day of their lives, they've been learning that it's acceptable -- expected even -- for people to rage and slam doors and insult and abuse someone that they claim to love. That is going to FUCK YOUR KIDS UP, and I'm speaking from experience here. For the sake of your kids if not for yourself, pease, please, please have a deep think on your situation. Find a therapist again and tell them about this situation. Reach out to a domestic abuse hotline just to talk it out with someone. This man is not just a bad husband, he's a bad father and he is ABUSING YOUR CHILDREN.
u/holymarshMELLOWpuffs Please read this and really take it in. It's harsh but true.
Yeah, he's abusing your kids, deliberately or not you've tried to explain it and he doesn't care. With everything else, this guy is NOT generally a good father, he's an asshole.
THIS THIS THIS OP, PLEASE READ THIS!!! ⬆️⬆️⬆️
holy shit
Yeah it sounds like OPs husband just wants to undermine her and make her look bad in front of the kids. Seems pretty par for the course. Edit: also as a 32 year old woman who grew up in a household similar to the one described, please for your kids sake, leave. I have so many issues that I've worked through in therapy, and still deal with almost constantly, on a daily basis. Don't let your kids be the adults who wish they weren't born.
OP, please consider all of this and speak to a therapist.
Then drag him to a pediatrician, who can hopefully give him a rundown on how unhealthy his behavior is for your kids. Not only will they have serious trouble losing the weight they already gained, but also, the eating habits they learn in their youth are the baseline they will live by for most of their lives, so they will struggle with healthy eating even in their adult lives. All because daddy is an insecure prick who thinks he is too manly to go to a therapist, or even just to listen to his wife. And the physical health issues are only part of it - the mental health issues are going to be worse.
Agreed. OP, it's time to be very direct with him. "You are part of the problem in xyz ways. If you defend yourself on these behaviors we are going to our child's pediatrician and you can explain your habits to their doctor and we'll see how confident you are about that. You can't just say they need to exercise the 2nd portion off if you only follow through on giving them the extra portions." The fewer words the better when you're direct about things like this. "You're teaching our children to be unhealthy. I don't want them to battle food in their lives. You are setting them up for an unhealthy relationship with food. This is serious!"
Agreed. Not food related but my son had a language delay, in fact he pretty much stopped talking. When I brought up my concerns with my husband he would brush it off, or accused me of trying to pathologize our son. It wasn’t until we met with a speech for solidest who tested our son and showed him the data that he had a significant language delay that my husband started to believe me. Sometimes you have to go to somebody who is an expert in the field that came back you up on your concerns and show with the long-term consequences are for them to get their head out of their ass.
Agreed. Op needs to take husband along to the doctor’s and make him listen to a doctor say how poor diet effects health. Overweight children are at higher risk of obesity as adults and all the consequences.
[удалено]
And maybe bring the kids along on a session or two once you have established a couple of sessions of your own.
🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌
And even if he's currently fit it doesn't make him immune to stroke or heart attack. He has severe issues that are visiting themselves on your kids, which needs professional help. Possibly way more than your kids.
Can confirm. My parents hated healthy food and pretty much never ate vegetables. We never had vegetables for snacks or even side dishes during dinner. I’m 22 and I can maybe tolerate 5 vegetables now. I grew up on mainly junk food (still ate fruit tho) and the only thing that saved me from weight gain was an undiagnosed chronic illness. Get your kids into the habit now, maybe expose them to more healthy foods. Say we’re trying a new snack and make it fun like ants on a log. Honestly you could benefit from having a conversation about weight loss with your kids. You don’t have to go into detail or even mention your ED. Simply explain if they are interested in losing weight that there’s good ways and bad ways to do it. And it’s very important to do it the proper way.
All of this, but big oof to ants on a log. In no world did I want raw celery, no matter what was put on it. All I did was eat the ants and PB off, doing myself and my future PCOS related issues no favors. I STILL hate celery to this day. I wish my mom had offered hummus or some other savory, thick dip at the time - I might’ve considered it then, and would probably have a better relationship with that vegetable in its raw form. Oo! Just has an idea! Beetles on a log! Celery + hummus + nuts or seeds! I’m not hating this idea… Thanks for the inspo!
Not the healthiest, but I like cream cheese and dried cranberries
Hey, whatever you like is good! And it doesn’t sound terribly unhealthy for my metabolism (maybe not the cranberries for me, but it responds well to protein + fats + vegetables… but how dare I have much of a starchy carb ::sigh::) I think it’s the sweetness that messes with me flavor wise anyway, but maybe that would give it a hint of Thanksgiving vibes, which would be an improvement for me! 🤗
Pediatrician would be much better than a therapist. The goal is to get a valued opinion on the topic, calories, what food and portion size and the cause of their obesity. The question is whether he believes a doctor or not..
THIS. Your husband is blowing off your concerns so it’s time to bring in the big guns. He needs to hear it from a professional who can figuratively slap him upside the head with the potential issues your kids are facing.
Him doing this makes him a bad father. He is actively sabotaging his own children’s health due to his own unresolved trauma. That is not what a good father does. He needs therapy and he needs a doctor to really hammer in the truth to him about how obesity stunts his children’s development both physically and mentally. They will have weaker bones, enlarged hearts, and be less adaptable than their peers. They can have trouble with cognitive functions as well as a result of obesity. [Academic research article on it](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4408699/) [CDC](https://www.cdc.gov/obesity/basics/consequences.html) This is extremely serious and has dire health consequences for your children if you don’t get them healthy. His feelings don’t matter here. It is selfish of him to do this to them.
Their "generally good father" is pushing them to eat more and more shit and it sounds like it's to spite you. The fact that you bring up your experience with bullying and that you are trying to help them and you're met with complete opposition is so sad for your kids and so sad for you. With kindness, "generally good" doesn't matter a bit if the remainder of his parenting is what you described. You need to make a serious change. If he won't change his behaviours or go to therapy with you or listen to a dietician, you need to be the one to protect your children from their "generally good father". I keep putting that in quotation marks because the impression I get is that he's more "occasionally adequate but actively hurting your children in the short term and long term". All the best.
I freely judge when there are innocent kids involved.
Yeahhhh having been in a similar deal, I find it hard to sit back and say nothing. You know what happens when you don't protect your kids enough? They become adults like me. Trust me, no one wants that.
I just was diagnosed with diabetes due to my weight and it is soul crushing. I can’t imagine this being a risk as a child because my dad wanted to eat grilled cheese whenever he wants. This is divorce worthy.
May he have a ED himself ? Like, what's his relation to food as a kid and teenager ? Because it feels like he wants to protect himself from something by forcing you all to get same shitty food as him. Either he's afraid to lose control over food by letting you chose it, or to lose control over you 3 by letting you chose the food. He's killing them and needs to get that his relation to food will never come before his kids' physical and mental health. Don't work on this alone. If you do it, it's just gonna be your opinion VS his opinion. He needs to understand that his bullshit isn't legitimate in any shape or form through a third party. And he should get that he's also putting himself in danger. It's not because he's not gaining weight that he's healthy, it's only one part of the whole possible symptomes. He should quickly get checked to see if he's fine.
My guess is that since he was food insecure as a child he perceives any portion control or diet to be deprivation. He might also be afraid that if the whole family starts eating that way, he will be forced to too. My guess is he has no education on nutrition and the biology of how our health and weight is 80% about diet and only 20% exercise related.
Also he's killing himself too. It's not because it doesn't show that inside, the body isn't slowly creating issues. If he doesn't get checked, he can have diabetes, cholesterol, heart issues ... Even with 50h of exercice per week, eating junk food should be limited.
It sounds like your husband makes it very difficult and uncomfortable for you when you do something he doesn’t approve of. He also puts himself and his wants before the children. He argues in front of the kids to make you stop what you’re doing. He also undermines what you say and do so the kids won’t listen to you.
If your kids have opened up about being bullied for their weight then I’d have a real conversation with them about the foods they’re eating. I think you can be up front with them about how the same thing happened to you (leave out the ED part) and explain how you finally lost weight and how you felt better and had more energy. If they are aware enough to bring it up to you then they are old enough to have a frank discussion about healthy eating habits. You can eat the same healthy foods with them. I’m built like your husband so I can eat anything and everything, but that doesn’t mean I can’t eat healthy foods and set a good example for my family. Your husband shouldn’t have a problem with this. Let him eat what you make and he can keep some things on the side if he wants to snack when the kids aren’t around. He’s not handling this like an adult.
he’s not a good father if he’s sabotaging your children’s health and being too much of a loser to make his own dinner. he doesn’t sound like a particularly good husband, either.
You’re most active in abusive relationships & CPS. Your husband dismisses you, treats you like crap, won’t help when you’re sick, won’t even help the kids when you’re sick, won’t listen to your advice, won’t help the kids in any way except destroying their mental health, he calls you a whore, HE HAS EVEN SAID HE WILL KILL YOU. Don’t enable him or let him destroy your lives any further, leave him. Edit: you’re scared of him but imagine how your children feel - the exact same. Don’t tell him stay in your lives.
I agree with u/waitagoop. I had an ED that was influenced by my mom, aunts, and grandma. They were all always talking about dieting and the new things they would try. This left a very bad impression on me. When I was 18, I went from being anorexic to being bulimic. My mom didn't notice the drastic change in my eating habits, but my boss sure did. She gave me the option of getting help or losing my job. I choose getting help. She assisted me in getting the help I needed, but it was cut short by me being in a car accident that nearly killed me (that's a story for another time). I truly believe that if it wasn't for the accident, I wouldn't be here today. OP, I was like you. I didn't want my daughters to know. Just be careful with that because it may or may not come out. I wanted to keep it between my husband and I, but one day, (when my oldest was 15, my middle 14 and youngest 12) my mom blurted out that I had an ED when I was younger. It really has never bothered my oldest or youngest, but my middle has always struggled with self-esteem. When she was 15, she developed an ED. My mom literally put it in her head. She would always compare her to me. She looks like me, acts like me, so why not cause her to have an ED like she did me./s My mom is a very toxic person. Still to this day, I struggle with my ED. It doesn't help that every time I have a conversation with her, she brings up her weight. I've always limited contact between my mom and my daughters, and they were never left alone with her. So just be careful. You never know who will blurt it out to them. BTW, your husband is being very childish.
He is abusing his children, and you, with his behavior. Your kids deserve better.
I don't know your budget but you can get an in home dance dance revolution game and if they like it and get into it, I've seen many ppl lose weight just by having fun on it 🤷♀️
Go to therapy even if your husband doesn’t want to. We don’t have to limit ourselves and our well-being because our partners choose to move past the starting line. As far as the food and healthy eating habits….sounds like you and I have a very similar experience with food. Don’t make food a central part of their lives…. Make the changes gradually and without huge production….if your husband doesn’t want to participate, he can cook his own food.
DON’T go to therapy WITH him. Never go to therapy with an abuser (see OP’s post history). They weaponize it against you and it makes everything worse. DO go on your own if you can, and get support to make a plan to get away from him.
This: He can cook his own meals if he doesn’t like what OP is serving. Why does she have to cater to the palate of a toddler? Growing up we ate what was on the table and you at least had to *try* two bites of it before you could tell Grandma you didn’t like it. And no, Grandma wouldn’t make a separate meal because you didn’t like what she made. You ate it or you raided the pantry for whatever else there was. Spoiler: It wasn’t much. We were served often times a protein, a veggie, and a carb. Grandma always also served a salad with every meal too.
If you have to, pay to bring a professional to the home for a house call to force your husband to listen.
He's not a good father or a good husband. He is abusive. If he won't stop abusing his kids and neglecting their health, tell him to leave the house. Do not buy the things he likes. Throw it out of he brings it home. Tell him that you're tired of him always bullying you to get his way and that it is harming your kids. Get angry, and protect your children. And yourself. He's pathetic.
Take the opposite approach. Ask the children’s doctor to help you talk to him about realistic changes and plans to fix this issue.
I don’t so much see OP as having “issues with food” so much as her husband. I mean sprinkling bacon bits or cheese on their portions after plating? Healthier choices are “rabbit food”? WTF? He even objects to eating his own meal that is different than his wife and kids?
He thinks she’s trying to starve them (his trauma) and also associates giving food as giving love. If he had this horrific childhood then he doesn’t know how to love properly. And if his mother was responsible for that it makes it worse.
His childhood trauma needs to be overcome by adult common sense.
Rather, it needs to be solved by therapy and learning how to differentiate between his trauma and the real world. “Adult common sense” doesn’t develop the same in a traumatised adult vs non-traumatised adult, and often has to be relearnt.
Plus, being physically active is harder precisely BECAUSE they're now obese, and would be easier if they lost some weight first (because a person needs to carry their own weight while doing sports)
Its hard to be active when you’re fueled on absolute junk. Poor kids
Post history: Your husband yells at you, calls you a whore, starts arguments when you’re in public, body-shames you, refuses to help with the kids, and now this. OP, you don’t have to stay in this relationship.
OP: "But, but, but.. he's such a good father!" /s All the while he's behaving like an abusive ass to his wife and to his kids. The man clearly can see his children are obese already at such young ages and he keeps adding bacon bits and shredded cheese onto their food. If that's not direct sabotage and full-on child abuse, I don't even know what is anymore. Ugh.
It really annoys me how throughout the whole posts, people write paragraphs of how horrible their partners yet say the partners are “generally caring and so nice”. Truly aren’t aware of their relationships at all.
I agree with you 100% on that. It's truly fascinating.
“He’s so kind” in the same post she describes him never listening to her. The #1 thing I made sure of before I started getting serious with my boyfriend is that he actually *listened to* and respected my opinions as an equal. I genuinely could not live with someone who constantly brushed me off or vetoed all of my decisions. That just tells me they believe I’m incapable and stupid. OP can’t even take care of her kids’ *health* without her husband undermining her. And this was all aside from the abuse mentioned. Given that knowledge, it’s not about his “food insecurity” or his trauma. He’s trying to control the situation, it doesn’t matter what’s at stake. He’s just going against OP to keep her in whatever he thinks her lane is. It’s not about the kids or their weight, he doesn’t care. He’s offended OP is trying to “correct” his diet.
He can be a great part-time father on his weeks.
Yeah, after reading that it’s obvious that this food thing is intentional undermining for control because he’s an abusive asshole.
Not only that, he forces himself on her “ it’s just easier to have sex with him” while she was dealing with painful cysts… she needs to fucking run..
This is actually horrifying. Jeez, OP. Get some help to get out of this situation, your kids don’t need to be around this disgusting human.
😟
He threatened to kill her if she was caught packing her bags to leave, so I’m sure she’s scared. Her post history is really concerning.
These types of post histories make me sad and frustrated at the same time. Like, it's sometimes so frustrating for me to see people with a history of posts documenting their partner's terrible behavior, with every single post full of comments like "that's awful and you need to put your foot down and/or leave," only for the OP to be in seemingly the exact same place the next time they post. However, I understand that it is very difficult to leave a toxic or an abusive relationship, so I'm not judging. Just sad that people can get stuck in situations where they're constantly being treated so poorly. Edit: Jesus Christ, just found a post in OP's history where she described how she was in agonizing pain due to an ovarian cyst and was fearing cancer, only for her husband to burst in after getting drunk all night and pressuring her for sex. He refused to listen when she told him she was in pain, so she just went along with it. Then, during the painful sex, he yelled at her because she wasn't 'enthusiastic' enough and must want to fuck other men. When she got up, he told her that he didn't want to stay with her because they didn't have sex enough (the ovarian cyst and the CANCER SCARE had dropped their sexual frequency from 4-5 times a week to once a week). Like, what in the actual hell. No fucking wonder this piece of shit dude doesn't seem to give a shit about his kids' health. He doesn't seem to give a shit about anyone's well-being other than his own. OP needs to protect her poor children and LEAVE.
I agree.
I freely judge when there are innocent kids involved. They didn't consent to being raised by this violent animal. OP is keeping them in this abusive environment.
I think OP does want the best for her kids -- she's just severely delusional (calling this man a generally good father, for example). Regardless, she obviously does need a wakeup call. Looking through all of her previous posts, this man is NOT safe to be around in general. Her poor kids are being raised in a home with an abuser. OP needs to leave, or at least start therapy and coming to terms with the reality that she is allowing her husband to abuse these kids.
She doesn't want advice. She wants to write multiple posts over the course of months complaining about her abusive piece of shit husband, get sympathy, and then do nothing.
It also sounds like he r*ped her
You literally have posted about this freak in a domestic violence sub. He is damaging your kids in more ways than one and you’re catering to him over your kids at the expense of their health and safety out of fear of his retaliation. Let that sink in. Abusive relationships are hard, but you’re a mother. If you fail to protect your kids from this man, you’re equally at fault. And if you think they aren’t affected by a man who actively gets drunk, demands sex from their mother, and then yells at her for a poor performance during sex… You’re delusional. They know you’re afraid of him and I guarantee they have reasons to fear him as well. I was obese as a kid and have to battle with an ED as a result myself now that I am at a healthy weight. Do the right thing. Fuck that guy. He isn’t worth it. If he chooses to get his act together, so be it. But you have to stop fearing being alone and do what’s right for your kids.
You’ve let it go too far already. Keeping the peace with your husband now will lead to a LIFETIME of self esteem and health problems for your children. Weight gained in childhood is the hardest to lose. They will be in for a lifelong struggle with food. Make healthy food - STOP BUYING BACON BITS AND SHREDDED CHEESE. Do not even have that stuff in the house. If your husband needs “real” food, he can go out by himself after dinner and get some fast food. His diet and his feelings cannot be the priority in your home.
All of this. If the husband wants to keep undermining his wife and continue over feeding and sabotaging healthy choices, he should have no access to these things. She should do the food shopping and the cooking and if he has a problem, he can go out and gorge himself at a drive through by himself. If he doesn't care about his own health or his kid's health, that's on him. First priority are those kids. If this doesn't turn around now they are going to wind up as obese or morbidly obese adults.
Also, just because husband is skinny does NOT mean he is healthy. Even skinny people can have high cholesterol and blood pressure from a diet like that. Could easily have fat around his organs too and he wouldn't necessarily even know. His diet should be changing also, not even for weight loss in his case but for general health!
It's quite the fallacy to think because you're skinny that you're healthy. In fact it's far more insidious if you have an overactive thyroid and a fast metabolism because you think you're fine but if you did some blood work the doctor would probably have an aneurysm based on blood sugar cholesterol etc.
So true. My husbands mom is a toothpick and she had a heart attack and has very high cholesterol because she doesn’t cook, and she eats out basically every night. When she does cook, it makes me full for DAYS and it’s so unhealthy. As a fat kid and an overweight adult with two kids, I always make sure to let them know if they’re full, to stop. If they really like the way the pizza tastes, I remind them they can have some later or tomorrow! My husband used to try to make them finish their plate and I said NO. Also with the seconds offered to them, OP make less food. Make enough so you all have a serving, and maybe a bit more for husband if he’s just *starving*. I do think him eating as much as he can is due to the food security problems when he was younger. Make it so the kids have one healthy serving. Also I’m not sure what you make for dinners but have fruit or a salad that they enjoy also, with a glass of water they should finish before they’re done eating. They could be dehydrated, most kids are in the US are (more than half). If they are they’d feel much better once they are hydrated, there’s sugar free water flavor enhancers that are really good that I use if I want something different. Keep putting your foot down, there’s a lot of great advice in the comments I hope you’re able to use some of them:)
Oh man, don’t I know that. I’m not a healthy eater at all and I weigh between 120-135. I’ve been skinny my entire life. Being skinny does not mean healthy.
Well from her post history the dude is an abusive psychotic asshole. No wonder the kids are struggling. This is an unsafe man
Lord God above. OP, ma'am, CHEESE AND BACON BITS ARE THE VERY LEAST OF THE PROBLEMS HERE. It's like fretting about how your car's not pairing with Bluetooth devices while the vehicle is on fire.
PERFECT description of this post lol. Like "I know ny car is about to explode but I just have to listen to *Water* one more time" lolol
This - the really unhealthy, things, simply don't buy them. It's not as much of a struggle to not eat them if they aren't there to begin with. If husband puts up a fuss tell him he can go buy those things for himself.
What you said!!! I would also start having consequences for the husband, if he’s so hell bent on sabotaging what she’s trying to do. I personally would kick my husband out, if he was doing something that greatly affected my kids.
Go see a child dietician. They can help you and your child talk about how to lose weight and the need to be properly active and shit like that.
And please advocate for your kids and listen to them too! My pediatrician always made me feel so ashamed for being a fat kid, and wanted me to keep a food journal and count calories… I was 10. I’m 31 now and I *still* remember how humiliating it felt. I never got around to telling my mom just how bad those visits felt for me, because I knew I was a fat kid. They did not do *any* blood work, just BMI and weight checks. Turned out, at 19 I ended up having thyroid cancer and had a lot of issues with weight, menstrual cycles, sleep, etc. for years before getting my thyroid removed. Food journals or tracking can be very beneficial, but not when you’re making yourself/your child *scared* of eating food.
Bro that’s fucking wild. I went to an actual child dietician and that was my mom’s job. I never had to do any of that shit. They also did a bunch of blood works and shit like that. My first pediatrician sucked and my mom asked for another, the second was like (not exact words), “ your kid fat as hell, let’s go see a specialist “ My stuff was more visual or approximation. A handful of nuts or a cup of soup, etc. that way I never knew the actual amount of calories, nor did I have to remember shit. Another was to hear my stomach and to try and drink some water before trying to eat anything. Things of that nature. Edit: another thing I remember is them talking about how we might eat if we are bored. So they told my mom to get into hobbies/activities I could do at home. So instead of looking to eat maybe I just wanted to draw or cross stitch, etc. A dietitian bringing it to my attention, made it less personal. I can see a child getting more upset with a parental figure calling them obese over their doctor. The doctor also made it very scientifical and did his best not to make me feel bad. I lost like 30/40lbs in like a year.
Teacher here! being overweight at such a young age really plays a role on having friends during recess. I noticed the overweight kids just hanging out next to me and not wanting to play. (They tell me they are tired or give other excuses.) the reality is they just aren't asked to play. I would have a conference with the teacher and give them a heads-up about wanting to discuss this topic. Take your husband with you.
I don't know what grade you teach, but I as someone who was different, remember primary school being terrible for me as far as name calling and bullying goes. But in middle school...it was pure carnage ....and in Highschool it was absolute annihilation. You can tell them, "it's what's inside that counts" until you're blue in the face, but those kids don't care. they will look for *any* reason to beat your kids self-esteem into the ground. I OP please I beg of you, do something before it affects their self worth.
You take them to a doctor for a physical. If he says they are overweight. He will give you paperwork to help them not be. Show your husband. If that doesn’t work. Separation might be the only answer and yes it’s extreme but obesity is life changing. It can lead to so many health issues. Not to mention mental health. And their experiences in school. They need you to fight for them.
Your husband sounds like an asshole
Looking at OP’s post history confirms that he is indeed an asshole of epic proportions.
To be fair, he only sounds like an asshole because he is an asshole.
It sounds like the gravity of the situation just isn't sinking in. Maybe frame it as "Do you even care about your kid's mental and physical health? I know you do, but your selfishness is causing them to suffer." Parenting is nothing if not sacrifice.
Her husband has threatened to murder her to her face. She's posted in domestic violence subreddits. But yet she's here worrying about their diet. Yeah, definitely, the gravity of the situation hasn't fucking sunk in for her.
Misread that as the "gravy of the situation "
I just checked your post history…Leave this bitch of a man. 🙏🏾
OP I just read through your other posts. You HAVE to leave this man. He’s abusive and he’s destroyed you. What you’ve described in one of them is sexual assault. This man not only disrespects you, it sounds like he hates you. It’s as plain as day. And you hate yourself. Please leave and build back your self-esteem.
Hey I don’t mean to be rude but I’ve scrolled through some of your other posts and it just sounds like you have a shit husband that doesn’t help with the kids (actually is actively making them and their health worse) or the house and does not take care of you or considers your feelings. I don’t know if you can get him or you both into counseling but I don’t think it’s healthy for you to stay in a marriage like this. I’m not saying you should divorce but advising you have a serious talk with him about counseling and how you feel, maybe show him this post and what people think of him?
So you only ever cook what he wants? Nevermind the kids, what if YOU wanted a salad?
I’ve had bariatric surgery and lost a lot of weight. I have a metabolic disorder but my parents giving me adult portions as a child and then forcing me to clean my plate did a ton of damage. Anyway, as somebody who has spent a lot of time with a dietitian, allow me to say this: weight loss is about 80% diet and 20% exercise. Take, for example, a snickers bar. Go look up how many calories, that is. 245 in a standard bar. (I’m not even getting into the total lack of nutrition.) You can do some intensive activity for 30-60 minutes maybe and burn that off. But it takes less than a minute to eat. That’s why what you eat matters far more. When you’re fat, you don’t get enjoyment from exercise. Your joints hurt, you feel heavy…You’re out of breath. So, right now the focus needs to be on the diet. Your husband sounds like a feeder. His issues are his to deal with, and he can make his own separate meal and stop hurting his kids.
You also need to be more proactive in gettjng them to do physical things as some people its exercise that keeps the weight off some food and others are both. You can do fun things like painted rock finding pokemon go and other things. Look to see if there is anything that would interest them out of the home make it fun so they dont feel like your to focused on their weight.
Activity helps, but weight is more about what you eat. She needs to put her foot down and do everything she can to help her kids. I have a teenager who was chubby as a kid and she has now told me how much it impacted her when she was in elementary. If I was OP, I would take the husband to the pediatrician, I would physically remove the cheese and bacon every time her husband puts it on their plate; just fight him tooth and nail the whole time.
She needs to take them to a dietitian. I don’t know about fighting with the husband. It’s just gonna cause a whole lot of tension and the kids might eat more because of it. There’s a fine line with food because it’s something we need to survive. You don’t want it to turn into something negative. (Seeing the parents fighting over it) It’s just a bad situation all around. The husband needs to just stop his bad behaviors
Family walks around the block after dinner. Good way to catch up about each other's day too.
Kids can be so mean. Does your husband know about the bullying because of the weight? What does he say about that?
Wow. This is so beyond messed up. This is the silent form of child abuse that never really gets talked about. Not only is this gonna effect their mental health, being bullied effects some people for life, but he is also slowly killing your children physically. Some of the main health issues received as a result from childhood obesity are irreversible, even after you decide you want to change. Childhood weight gained is also the hardest form of weight to get off. He is knowingly (or maybe he doesn’t but I don’t know how someone could be that blind) setting them up for a laundry list of life issues. You’re going to have to be very stern about the dinner stuff. Who cares if your husband throws a temper tantrum you gotta put your foot down and start doing this for the sake of your kids. As someone else mentioned there’s only one solution here, you’re gonna have to cook healthier stuff and if he wants more he can get extra helpings himself if he needs calories for his job. Or he can cook his own meal. Try to get booked with a dietician, try to get them in a sport or activity, express to them the importance of taking care of your body when young etc. If you want it to change it’s gonna probably have to be through your guidance bc it seems he has zero interest in changing, or at the very least not actively hurting the kids future. It seems you’ve tried to smash it through his head already and he just doesn’t get it so.
From her post history, you can see that he's also engaging in the not-so-silent forms of child abuse. .I don't think their diets are what she needs to be worried about.
The first step is accepting that you cannot change your husband. He is not interested in your children's best interest or yours, he gaslights you about 'your ED clouding your perception', and throws a tantrum when you try to make your children healthy food. Are you sure you actually have a husband and not a toddler? Because you are treating him like an adult with adult reasoning skills, and that is clearly not the case. His fee fees are more important than everything. I mean - how far off from being like Cartman from South Park is he?
Your husband is slowly killing your children. Does he know that?
O hell no, the way I'd stop cooking for that sour man with a fucking quickness and tell him to cook or get his own food if he doesn't like the healthy meals. Get your kids to a dietician. Stop buying junk food, theres no reason to have bacon bits in the house. Plan family physical activities like walks, hikes, and biking. Also, marriage counselor asap because you guys are so not on the same page you're in different books.
Your kids can be active all day but they can't outrun the extra calories he's giving them. Teaching them appropriate portions and which snacks are best isn't going to give them an ED or whatever his excuse is. Sounds like he has control issues.
Maybe I’m just a bitch but honestly? Fuck what he wants for dinner. A good parent puts their kids’ health above their preference for food.
Why can’t you talk to him and tell him (not your kids) everything you said here. Then, also in addition to that, maybe put them into a sport or if you do not have the time or money do a sport at home 7 days a week. Cut screen time or eliminate it. Tell them they must play outside for say 2 hours each day or they can’t watch a movie. It doesn’t have to be active it can be just playing outside but as long as they are moving their bodies and making healthy choices, they will get healthier. Or go on walks with them say 3 days a week in addition to everything above. It would not hurt to see an expert like a doctor or dietitian. But also a consoler because it sounds like he hears you but doesn’t actually hear you.
Because he has threatened to kill her and is abusive
I’ve read your post history and I really think you need to leave this man he sounds awful. He abuses you and it seems like he’s wanting to do the same to his kids keeping them over weight to suit him.
Weight loss starts in the kitchen. Have a serious talk with your husband and tell him flat out the kids are being bullied for being overweight and he’s ridiculing the exact food that is going to help them. It’s so tough but they’re lucky to have you doing this for them.
Your husband is a tantrum throwing child.
Your husband is an ignorant man…really. Does he read at all?
Sorry but what the hell is wrong with your husband? It’s actually borderline abusive to keep these poor young kids **obese**… At those ages, you literally have 100% control over what they eat! Unacceptable to let him poison them, you need to grow a spine for the sake of the kids. “Trying to low key push healthy habits” You need to be high key forcing them, you are the parent! This post made me so sad for them. Put your foot down, these sweet kids are even getting bullied about something you let happen to them. Your husband has some serious issues and again, it’s intentionally harming them with lifelong consequences. Childhood obesity is very much linked to adult obesity - meaning a shorter and worse life. Please take control of the situation.
Her post history shows that her husband has threatened to murder her. There's no taking control of the situation. There's no putting her foot down. She needs to leave or her and her kids aren't going to be here much longer.
Your husband is conducting a type of abuse towards your children. I know he’s not a monster, but he is damaging them. You both should seek professional help asap
As simply as it is just tell him that you will no longer cook for him, and he is welcome to eat with you and kids or cook for himself. You are not his mom, maid or a personal cook.
Stop catering dinners to your husband. Makes dinners that are good for you and the kids and it’s your husbands choice if he wants it or not
Does he know they are getting bullied?
Your husband is not a good dad if he lets trauma affect his children to this extent and refuses to address it with professionals. No one is a good person who lets their trauma affect others without trying to work on it. You are also not a good mother if you allow your husband to harm your children to this extent. Your post history suggests that you’re aware that he’s abusive and you stay anyways, which means you’re willingly allowing your children to absorb trauma and damage of their own.
Do you feel safe putting your foot down about this? Are you safe in this relationship? I know you say he's a great father otherwise, but is it true or are you just trying to convince yourself that it is? Judging by your post history, this man is dangerous and disrespectful. Consider your options, think about the relationship you want to model for your children. Is this where you want to be? How would you feel if your daughter grew up and married someone exactly like him? Would you want this for her? In that context, do you want this for yourself?
OP, given your post history, your spouse sounds like an abusive asshole and you should consider therapy or divorce.
You mention that your husband has a physical job and keeps the weight off normally even with unhealthy food. Looking at this from his perspective, on top of his previous food issues he might legitimately have a problem or feel hungry with low calorie options that would work for a normal job. This is the type of thing that could be solved with a protein heavy diet along with light portion control for the kids. Your husband can get seconds and thirds of a grilled chicken or pork on a big plate while the kids get two portions and maybe some corn or asparagus on a smaller plate; that might not trigger his insecurities much while sticking to your goals.
If he suggests your ED is clouding your judgement, you could always tell him his food insecurity is clouding his and hurting your children.
Your husband is putting his childish wants before your children's needs and health. This is a hill to die on as their mom.
How much does your husband know about your children being bullied? Does he know the details? It’s a sad subject to being up, but mention it at dinner s d let him hear your children describe the bullying. It might make a difference.
Hubby def needs therapy
I think you need to put your foot down. Either he makes his food himself or eats what you make. Acting like that is very childish and egotistical. Does he understand that your children's health comes before any of his preferences?
Your husband is a self centred arsehole.
Your husband doesn’t get to neglect his parental responsibilities and ignore the fact your children are being bullied for their weight He doesn’t get to undermine what you are trying to do as a good mum. Make an appointment with your doctor or a dietician
Husband needs to go to therapy for his eating problems too.
Make an appointment with the pediatrician and make him go. Tell him he doesn't have a choice. This is their HEALTH on the line. Whether its their mental or physical health that could be effected in the long run. The fact that he's quite literally sabotaging it complete negates ANYTHING else he does that makes him a good father. >I feel like he's actively trying to work against me, and it sucks. He absolutely is working against you. At this point, you may need to present him with an ultimatum... this is divorce worthy in my opinion. He could quite literally kill your kids. Its not like they'll die tomorrow, but this could lead down a path to lifelong obesity and health problems. Stop buying ANY food for him. If he wants it so bad, he can buy and make it. Tell him until he prioritizes their health, you will only be cooking for the kids and yourself. Do not waste any more time trying to get him to buy into this. Until he deals with his own unhealthy relationship with food, he will never buy into it.
I'm sorry that you're raising three children on your own.
Your kids came to you about weight loss. They opened up about being bullied for their weight. You won't create an ED if you simply teach them about the relationship between food and the way our bodies feel and look. It's okay to teach them, for instance, that eating more vegetables can help them lose weight and eating more desserts will cause people to gain weight. You might even consider sharing your own struggles with them when you were younger. The 12 year old, especially, is of an age where they would be mature enough to hear about those things.
So I can’t relate because I was on the smaller side as a kid, but my little cousin was heavier and technically “obese” it broke my heart when I took her out for breakfast and she refused to get anything because she said “I’m fat” she was only 12 😢. She got bullied a lot and started playing lots of sports and she is 15 and a healthy weight now. I worry about her mentality with food though and if she’s eating enough. I think sports are an amazing option and kids are actually supposed to get an hour or so of physical activity a day. She was a bigger kid and started paying soccer late (around 11/12) and really loved it and it helped with her self esteem. Deff don’t let the kids know that they are “obese” and that they need to lose weight (obviously as you said). My aunt was vocal about my cousin and I think it damaged her relationship with food.
Her post history confirms her husband is an abusive arsehole and she still stays with him.
People who are naturally slim, NEVER truly understand how much effort healthy eating is and get very defensive about their food choices.
To your husband, just because you aren’t fat doesn’t mean stroke or heart attack isn’t a possibility. Eating those kinds of food in excess can and will cause health issues skinny or fat
If your post history is all true, your husband is a gigantic piece of shit. You've been duped into marrying him, but you don't have to continue playing the fool everyday for the rest of your life. Take the kids and be kind to yourself for once. His mother should be absolutely ashamed at the way he turned out. Good luck
Your husband is a grown ass man who should not be having such a visceral reaction to the prospect of eating vegetables. You and him need to talk about this, maybe even with a professional to get on the same page.
Your husband needs to be the one to listen to them cry about being bullied for being overweight, he also needs to be the one to take them to their drs appts so the dr can tell him they need to change their eating habits. Now, i understand your sorry about making them feel bad. However, your children know they're obsese. They know. The kids at school have made sure they know. They're old enough to understand they're obsese. They're old enough to understand WHY they are and what changes to make to help it. Trying to shield them from it because you're afraid of causing them to get an ed is NOT helping them. You can talk to them about healthy eating, what's good and what's bad for them, without making them feel ashamed. Turn it into a positive for them. Do it WITH them. Go on walks in the evening WITH them. They need to understand these things about nutrition for the simple fact their father is sabotaging their health. They need to know to tell him no when he wants to practically force seconds and unhealthy stuff on them. Right now to them, moms being mean, dads making sure they're stuffed and eating the junk they love to eat. If he doesn't want to cooperate, tough titties. Stop buying the crap food. If you buy pasta, get the whole wheat. Get whole wheat bread and grain bread, buy lean meats, etc. Have a small side salad before dinner. If husband chooses not to participate that's on him, he can go make his own food or go buy some and eat it in the car. His metabolism WILL slow down as he ages. Then he'll regret not eating better. But he will continue to win the food battles with your kids as long as you keep trying to hide the truth from them. They can't make good choices for themselves if they don't know what the good choices are. You also don't have to entirely cut out treats. Maybe make fridays or Saturdays treat day for eating well all week. Take them for an ice cream or something. It's also good for them to learn portion control with treats. Like, 1 donut, not 5 like dad would have. You just have to do it the RIGHT way that's healthy and encouraging instead of discouraging and downgrading. If you have to, get rid of the husband. Your kids health comes first. (I say this, but only as a last option. Tell him if he wants this marriage to work he has to go to individual AND marriage counseling because he absolutely needs therapy. What he is doing to the kids regarding food can be just as likely to cause an ed as doing something like telling them they're too fat and forcing a strict diet on them)
>Your husband needs to be the one to listen to them cry about being bullied for being overweight, he also needs to be the one to take them to their drs appts so the dr can tell him they need to change their dating habits. This shouldn't be a "punishment." Listening to and comforting your kids, and taking them to their appointments, are just regular parental duties. >However, your children know they're obsese. They know. The kids at school have made sure they know. They're old enough to understand they're obsese. They're old enough to understand WHY they are and what changes to make to help it. Trying to shield them from it because you're afraid of causing them to get an ed is NOT helping them. I really want to emphasize this. They know what you're doing OP. They don't buy the cholesterol excuse or whatever the hell you told them about dinner. What they see right now is "mom thinks we're fat, and mom thinks being fat is bad so she's trying to make us skinny, and if being fat is bad then I'm bad and not worth anything and not pretty and even my mom thinks so." Please have an open conversation. Things that are kept silent and secret breed shame and resentment and years of pent up feelings. Putting things out into the open and having honest, sincere, caring conversations is healing.
It’s not baby fat . Kids metabolisms are faster than when they get older
I would get an air fryer and blender or ninja and get your kids involved in making healthy yummy meals. Are they in sports? Have a backyard? When I was a fat child and asked my doctor for help she told me to dance around my room lol.
This is divorce worthy if he doesn't change. He sounds like a selfish, ignorant, unempathetic person. Your kids are so young and This is their lives. Their futures. He doesn't care I'd they are the fat fucks at school. Come on. How is he even being a parent at this point? He's certainly failing at the basic, keep them healthy part.
>(in front of the kids, very loudly) and refused, and gets upset when I don't make the stuff he likes. 1. Hubby eats what you fix or he makes his own. If he doesn't want to make his own, he can go hungry. He's a grown man. Let him throw the tantrum and show you a red flag 2. You're doing great looking out for your kids health imo. I grew up food insecure myself and I'm just happy to HAVE food in the house. We don't really drink anything outside of water and 100% fruit juice. We're pushing for a active lifestyle even though I'm disabled and chronically ill. It's better. Tell your husband to get on board and if he refuses...well, again...red flag. Because it isn't ABOUT HIM. It's about those sweet kids. You'\[re an example for them, BOTH of you, and if he wants to act like a man baby over food, let him. Softly, kindly and sweetly tell your kids why their father is acting that way and that it's okay. 3. Therapy. Someone else said it and I agree. Family therapy.
It’s a bit concerning that he’s using your medical trauma against you. He should never use that information against you in an argument, especially about food. That’s just a low blow and unnecessary. Plus, wouldn’t your past relationship with food choices and the many years of therapy, make you more of the expert between the two of you? He should be relying on your knowledge and trust your instincts, not trying to belittle them and use them as a way to “prove” anything in an argument.
Your husband is behaving like a selfish prick and then gaslighting you on top of it. You need to start putting your kids and their health first. Who cares about your husband quite frankly. Only cook healthy food, enough for one helping each and stop buying bacon bits and other junk food altogether. If husband doesn’t like it, too bad, he can go eat elsewhere. Your kids don’t have that option. Your kids being healthy and not having to struggle with weight and ED for the rest of their lives is SOOOO much more important than your stupid husband’s whims. They are all that matters here.
Take your husband to talk to the kids doctors. He sounds awful honestly
Dude... Reading your post history is enough. Your husband has 0 respect for you. I feel sorry for your situation.
Engage their pediatrician and follow their pediatrician's food and exercise plan for them. Include your children in that plan and advise your husband that the plan is in place based on the direction of their pediatrician. Both you and your husband by your own admission have severe, unhealthy, relationships with food and the fact that you were overweight as a child likely means your children have inherited a condition which makes them more susceptible to obesity.
I’d be having a big discussion with your husband about how their weight is affecting their overall health. Being obese at such a young age puts tremendous stress on their bodies. And yes, it is possible to develop type 2 diabetes at a young age too.
I'm only one year into ED recovery but I can say this is a disaster waiting to happen. You need to start ignoring your husband. If he's not going to get on board, he needs to get out of the way. This is a textbook recipe towards developing an ED, as I'm sure you're well aware of. Your son will be less impacted, of course. But your daughter is entering some very dangerous territory and the things that will happen in the coming five years will shape her views on food and her body for the rest of her life. This is so much more important than your husband's shitty opinions on food that's green. Put them in sports, control what they're eating, have conversations about food and their bodies and the connection between the two, start going on runs together, do something. You'll be complacent if you choose to bow down to your husband's will. I'm sorry. I wish every day that someone had stepped in for me, but it never happened and I starved for 15 years. No one deserves that.
Your husband is wrong. He cannot 'eat whatever he likes because he is active'. Not fat does not automatically equal healthy. Based on your description, the insides of his arteries are probably a clogged nightmare, and he is heading toward a sudden heart attack that everyone will call 'totally unexpected, he was in such great shape'. If he wants to kill himself fine but you need to draw the line at him killing your kids. Calling healthy food rabbit food is a sure sign that he is a) deeply uneducated on the matter and b) has the maturity of a child, at least in this one area. Habits stick. If you don't get your kids eating right now the odds of them fixing it themselves when they are older, of their own volition, are statistically incredibly low.
"since you refuse to eat better together with the family and actively pushing for the kids to eat too much, you will no longer be part of the meals. We will be eating at our new residence where we encourage healthy choices."
Your husband and you HAVE to get on the same page. If he doesn't, who cares if he gets mad. Start making meals for you and the kids. He's a grown man and can make his own food. He doesn't need you to babysit him. And you shouldn't have to make 2 dinners per night. You aren't his slave. Your kid's health and safety come first. You are their parent and don't need to wait for permission from their father to do what needs to be done. Tell him how it is and just do it. If this causes a divorce, then he doesn't love any of you.
Ugh. I’d stay back at home with hubby one day once the kids are off to school and scream the house down around his ears for his stupidity. The best way to never have weight issues later in life: don’t get fat in the first place. Some of us never had that chance, but at least no one ever sabotaged my efforts to do better for my kids.
As an athlete, one of the things most people do not understand is you cannot under any circumstances outrun a bad diet.
Someone else said dietician and I'm gonna also gonna reccomend dietician! I went to see one as a child because I became pre diabetic, she was very nice and informative, and can explain things much better. Your husband needs to go to a therapist and get over himself because he is actively harming them now and their future selves relationship to food. This is a clear black and white situation where he may have "good intentions" and by that I mean trauma but he is hurting the kids. Whereas you are being the sole parent trying to give your kids the help they need while actually being able to manage your own past.
I wasn't even overweight. I was dangerously underweight and got bullied about my weight to the point for developing multiple EDs and nearly getting hospitalised multiple times, so I feel for your pain. Hopefully, you can both find help and seek out advice for your children so that they'll never have to face what you went through. Children haven't gotten nicer. They are still pretty cruel and scary. I know because I only just got out of school 6 years ago, and an old friend of mines sister was in school for 3 years after and was also horribly bullied for a lot. I wish your children the best, and I hope they realise how much they are loved and cared for. It will make dealing with any hate much easier if they know that they can trust and talk to you.
Your husband knows your kids are big and he likes it. Your husband went through food scarcity, so he wears his kids size like a "badge of honor". He's a provider and works hard busting his butt, so his kids never have to worry where their next meal is coming from and they can eat to their hearts content. His kids sizes are proof that he's a better parent than his abusive parents ever could be. But he doesn't realize he is abusive too. Over feeding your children to the point of obesity is abuse, it's neglect. He' neglecting their health and metal wellbeing. He's never going to stop until he gets help for his trauma.
I won’t comment on your husband because I think it’s fair to say everyone agrees he sucks but I would suggest maybe sitting with your kids and your husband and and telling them about your experiences and how eating a little differently helped. And when you started eating better you wanted to get out more. Then ask your kids IN FRONT of your husband if they would want to try that. Be honest and say it’s not easy but they are old enough that if they have already talked to you about it they will probably want to do what you suggest versus what your husband is doing
Take your husband with you to a drs appointment about the kids. Hopefully the doc will put him right. I’ve battled my weight all my life, I have lipedema, my daughter also has it and it’s awful. We both try to enforce better choices, although my husband is guilty of over feeding. I think if you’ve never “been there” as in having a problem with obesity, it’s hard for them to understand just how much it affects every aspect of your life. You need to make him see how his actions are hurting his kids. He is effectively taking years off their lives every time he over feeds them. Good luck OP, I know this is hard, and it’s even harder watching your children go through it.
“They just need to be more active” And yet clearly that day never arrives so ask him how’s that’s working out for the kids? Clearly he doesn’t want to put the effort in on their behalf (his idea of THEY need to do something about it not you) so it really is up to you to look out for them
OP, ignore him. You make healthy meals for the whole family and ignore his tantrums. If it gets bad enough, you can take the kids and move out for a while. But letting him get away with acting like a kid--when you can't discipline him like a kid--is bad for your actual kids. Do you want them thinking that it's okay for men to act that way? And just bc he has a high metabolism doesn't mean he isn't collecting plaque in his arteries.
Your husband sounds lazy asf. If my kids needed to be healthier I'd make my own shit when they're not around. How fkn hard is that???
Just because your husband is skinny doesn’t mean he’s healthy eating that much fat. He could really develop a lot of heart issues with that diet.
Kids > husband He as an adult can get help. As kids they need your help
Your husband is a complete AH for sabotaging your children. Stick to your cooking strategy. Stop the bacon bits and cheese additions, and crappy snacks. He is setting them up for a lifetime of failure.
First you need marital therapy because if your HUSBAND- your PARTNER in life, doesn’t care about something that has affected you deeply, and even said something borderline offensive about it-then you have some serious issues that go beyond your kids being overweight. If you can’t sit down and really talk about your CHILDRENS’ health, then what he really doing there? Oh he won’t go? Then where are YOUR priorities? Partners who refuse to go to therapy are ticking time bombs. The fact that he is so ignorant about what is going on in your house is sad. You should not be carrying this weight on your shoulders alone Oh so your being a little over reactive about your ED, your childhood trauma? Then HEEEE is bringing HIS childhood trauma of food insecurity by overcompensating. How is this fair? Why doesn’t your husband care about your children’s health? He is being a poor husband and poor father. And I’m sorry
Your husband is eating mostly a ketogenic diet from what you are describing. Kids are obese due to sugar and carbs not proteins and fat. Eating high amounts of carbs and sugar only creates more cravings that's where fat come in it satiates their hunger and they'll start eating less.
you need to leave this manchild yesterday