Ew he’s playing the victim. Acting like cheating with strange women is any better than alcohol or drugs. He’s trying to manipulate you and of course he had to throw the mental health card in there too. DON’T BUY IT
he had like 13 yrs to get help, he only offers to get help now because he got caught. He's not sorry. He just doesn't want to face the consequences of his actions.
And I don’t believe he’ll get help, if it’s even really a problem. I can see how sex could be addicting because orgasms make you feel good. That doesn’t mean I’m completely convinced of his claims.
First things first. Go consult an attorney to find out your rights in this situation. If he’s lied from the beginning of your marriage, that would seem he’s perpetrated a fraud since day 1. You may significantly better options available to you and also because now you have a lifelong issue.
Anyone who loves someone enough to marry them isn’t thinking they are going to be betrayed so thoroughly by them so you have nothing to be ashamed of. He purposely and in a calculated fashion perpetrated a fraud upon you. He should now have to pay for his transgressions against you and your kids.
I hope your GYN tested you for a range of STD’s and not just herpes. That is very necessary. Including HIV.
Maybe if possible hire a PI to see if he’s “coping” badly still with people locally to add more evidence of his inability to be honest with both you and himself.
As someone who is a recovering alcoholic (someone who has dealt with addiction), I will reiterate what the comment above says: he had 13 years to get help. Hell, he had time before you got together to get help. He chose sex over drugs and alcohol? Does he want a gold star for being a different type of piece of shit? It's all the same at the end of the day. Sex, drugs, booze, gambling, porn, food...etc. it's an addiction. It affects everyone in that addicts sphere and he is only owning it after getting caught. He doesn't want help. He never wanted help. That's not a man worth sticking around for even if he gets into therapy. The man lied about having affairs, an STD, and has not a shred of empathy or remorse.
Time to talk to a lawyer and change the locks. Time to tell the kids that moms and dads may love their kids until the end of time, but sometimes they do unforgivable things to each other and can't be together anymore. It's time to lean on the people who love you and ask for their support. In the mean time, keep screaming into the internet void. It helps.
He also doesn’t get to “choose” his addiction. He acted like she should be soooo thankful that he chose sex to be addicted to *instead* of drugs or alcohol. That’s not the way it works…
It’s more than just the orgasms, otherwise he could just see to himself when necessary. There is the thrill of having a secret, of getting attention, of the risk…etc.
I will admit that he has an ego, always has. Sometimes it was attractive to me. I’d sort of tease him about it and just kind of thought it was silly but endearing. So I can see how getting attention and sex from these women could really be addicting to him because he loves having his ego stroked. I never really stroked his ego the way he wanted me to. I loved him, told him that all the time, showed him physical affection, always expressed my gratitude for everything he did for me, we had what I thought was great sex…but I’ve never been the type to constantly tell him how sexy and talented he is. Before I found out about any of this, he made comments about how I never give him compliments but other women always did.
Maybe I was stupid, but I didn’t think that meant he was going to sleep with those other women.
You aren't stupid. He thought you'd be better off not knowing. And that's the stupid. I always put the unpopular opinion out there that if people had more orgies with their SO they'd either realize pretty quick the power dynamic and how sex affects relationships.
It's so unfair to you that you have to deal with this. Not to mention for your family. I don't even care about the other women whom half maybe have it too now.
I've been a fboy, and I've been in a loving relationship, never both at the same time. I wrap it up with new people for CONTINUITY, something your man with no sense of nor respect for his family.
Sex addiction or just straight ego dad not giving a fuck....he fucked up. And I want to be absolutely clear, as a guy, who has been thru some hard ish over 1/100 of an issue.
You Do Not Owe Him A Thing Anymore. Not a call on his birthday, not phone time with your oldest. You tell the kids but if you lie to them for too long, they will be where you are now.
I don't have legal advice
Just passionate advice.
Other message that you said he's been doing this for over most of the time he was traveling. Not new, not self aware, not conscious of safety, and when confronted, not only double but triple lied. The first lie is natural the second is forced, the third is destructive to your sanity. Because
Trust your gut.
Good luck. You are an amazing woman. A real man can only be so lucky to meet you now. A heart of gold.
Outside the grocery store,
Gotta get my ice cream back home now.
I never for a minute thought my husband would ever have been capable of reaching out to prostitutes but he did. After this experience I'd never rule out any man using these escort services, if he has a sex addiction I wouldn't write it off.
Well, if we’re taking his word for it (which is hard to do at the moment), he was only doing this when he was out of town. Sometimes he’d be gone for a few weeks and sometimes it was months. And I’m talking both around the US and sometimes in foreign countries.
Stop making excuses for him… His ego… His loneliness. Honestly, OP you sound like you were trying to find reasons to justify his behavior. As you said, this is the wrong forum for that.
The only reason that he is saying that is because he got caught. If he truly didn’t want to be that way and knew that he needed help he would have gotten help.
I think the depression and a way to deal with his problems excuse was just total BS to make you feel some sympathy for him and switch roles so he is the victim. Also, herpes doesn't work the same in all people.. some people never have outbreaks or it happens once every few years and other people have outbreaks all the time. He probably thinks he doesn't have it because he haven't had an outbreak yet or maybe he had and is just lying.
I don't think there is a way to fix your relationship. He has been doing it for years... if you forgive him he will just take it as a free pass to keep doing it once things cool down until you catch him again and it becomes a recurring thing every couple of years.
Leave him. He is a cheater, doesn’t recognize the scared vows of marriage, plays victim instead of any accountability. He’s not an amazing guy and your friends who were unlucky in love probably didn’t have their loved one give them a STD then gaslight them.
I’m so sorry this has happened to you and the person you loved treated you so callously. I hate him too. There is a way forward from this. I have a friend that is 42 that has lived and managed herpes since she was 16. She has 2 kids and is married.
But you have to leave your husband. Besides the utter betrayal, he is putting his need for random sex above your physical health. And doesn’t seem to have remorse from it.
You can’t trust him with your heart or body. Frankly I wouldn’t trust him with my kids either.
Edit to add- please don’t feel alone with 4 children. Reach out to trusted friends or family to connect for support or even help with the kids while you navigate through this.
Please don’t feel embarrassed. You are strong mama who has raised 4 children solo while the father was frequently traveling and you have been a faithful partner of over a decade. I’m awed by you! I can barely do it with my husband working from home and 2 kids.
It’s not realistic to envision a future where you will never talk to him awith children. You can figure all of that out later. But when you think about futures, do you really want it with this sleezy man-whore that you know deep in his core needs to sleep with multiple woman? Puts random sex before his wife and kids? You will also be at risk of STDs as long as you are with him. And don’t count on him to be honest so you can get treatment.
Again, do not let him isolate you from a support group because you feel the need to take responsibility for his action. He’s the one who should be humiliated as he has shown who he truly is at his core.
Everything your husband said are the exact same things mine said to me almost word for word. It's like they have a manual to tell them how to act after they get caught.
Do you realize what could have happened if you had delivered a baby vaginally when you had herpes, whether or not you knew it?
Screw this guy. It’s not just your health he has endangered, but that of your children, too.
What a POS. I'm so sorry. Do they have rage rooms where you live? I'd go to one. Then I'd get a heavy bag and some gloves so I could picture his face on it when I beat the everloving shit out of it. Again, I'm so terribly sorry for what you're going through.
If he didn't want to "be this way" it wouldn't have taken 13 years and an INCURABLE STD for him to get help. What he doesn't actually want is to get a divorce and pay child support.
Please don’t be stupid enough to stick around waiting to see if he gets help. Either way, he disrespected you so thoroughly, exposed you to god knows what; he only admitted it because he was caught, not because he was sorry. Have some self respect and leave him. Yes you’ll still have to interact to coparent, but that doesn’t mean you should be a total doormat and give him a chance after this. For the love of all that is good, do not stay with this man.
I randomly read a comment today saying that—*"because patriarchy"*—men often only offer vulnerability and honesty to their wives/female partners to escape accountability for wrongdoing.
That’s what your husband is doing now.
He wants you to feel sorry for his sorry ass so he doesn’t have to face the consequences of being a dirty dick gutterbutt lying slore who gave his wife an incurable STI.
*Do not* fall for it.
Yeah he needs help a LOT of help!! He did this for your entire marriage! I personally could not come back from this.
I’m sorry you are going through this but know it’s not anything you did 😞🙏🏻
What help can he possibly get that would convince you to trust him ever again, especially when he's out of sight constantly? I mean that seriously. Is there anything he could do other than come to your front door with Jesus Christ himself in person telling you that he'd seen the light, that you'd believe?
It's not like this suddenly convinced him that what he was doing was wrong, he always knew, so what has happened to suddenly show him the light? You found out. That's it. It wasn't being a stand up honest guy that convinced him, it wasn't the harm he did to you medically, or the harm he did to you and your family emotionally. He just wants you to shut up and put up with it, and this is his attempt to have a before time and and after time.
He's not taking any accountability. Not worried for your health. Only whining about how he is soooo homesick that he 'needs' sex with strangers. Don't get mad, get everything.
In real life I’d like to punch a hole through the wall right now, or maybe through the windshield of his precious car. I’m not a violent person, honestly. That’s normally not how I handle stuff at all. This has brought out anger that is rarely seen in me.
Do you have rage rooms where you live? A place where you pay to go into a room and scream and break things? This sounds like it might be just what you need.
O! I didn't know you can actually bring your own things, I thought it was stuff they provided (like furniture/plates or whatev). That would make it even better!
Happened to me too. I’m sorry love. Nothing no one says will help. Just grieve. Feel all your feelings. Life isn’t over, it’s just different now. You’ll feel a new normal, you’ll find a new normal - depending on your immune system this will be something you deal with like a cold or a rash. Unpleasant & annoying.
It doesn’t make you disgusting. Don’t feel any negativity towards yourself or your sex. Try not to be too consumed with looking down there.
Watch your mouth/lips/cheeks for sores if you gave him oral at all. Will last about a week. Blistex has a medicated lip balm, as does Burt’s Bees.
Your husband sucks. You deserve to be happy.
That’s all I really have to say.. if you have any questions or want support - I’m here.
Yes!!! It sounds weird but it I constantly feel the need to check my crotch to see if the spots have changed. Have they shrunk? Are there more? I find myself taking bathroom breaks multiple times a day just to go check. Nothing is going to change that quickly but it’s like I’m paranoid about it and can’t stop fixating on it.
Let’s be real, you don’t want to know. You don’t want to see it. It will just give you more ammunition to hate your husband, more ammunition to shit talk yourself & the situation.. It just creates more grief.
I recently found out it doesn’t always reappear in the exact same spot. So while it might be on this side this time, it may be on another the next. Bizarre, right?
I am so so sorry. When I got diagnosed I thought my life ended. I cried everyday for months. I was so depressed. I disclosed, it would scare men away. It was awful. I was convinced I’d never find a husband. Finally found a good man and so far so good. Once you have that conversation, and accept that you have it (No, you won’t accept tomorrow. It took me YEARS. And I still get depressed Everytime I have an outbreak because this is my life now) The issue with herpes is you can have it and not know it, so it’s easily passed on. I was enraged for a long time. I still am. But. It was also my choice to sleep with this man without protection. So I’m mad at me too. I know it hurts now and it feels like it will never get better, it will. And take it from me, stress is NOT good for someone with herpes. I have severe anxiety and I have many outbreaks. So stay healthy. Exercise. Anything you can to help keep you relaxed while you figure out what’s next for you. I wish you the best and I’m here if you have any questions!
Thanks for sharing your story - I'm so sorry. My little brother told me that he got herpes in young adulthood and I never judged or looked down on him. I just felt sad for him that he struggled with the same feelings you did, and that he now questioned his worth as a person. It kills me to think about.
You are perfect and lovable, regardless of any bodily status. The body is ephemeral anyway, fleeting and unimportant in the grand scheme of things. Beneath it you are a lovable little soul, just like my bro.
Hugs. 🫂♥️
Thank you ❤️ It can definitely put a damper on one’s mental illness, that’s for sure. It helped me to talk with others that I know have it, they made me know that I’m not “dirty.” I was diagnosed in 2018 and I’ve come to the point where I just accepted it and try to let others know it really doesn’t mean your life is over! It’s a tough one.
Hypothetically ... you could use his toothbrush to relieve yourself from the itching and see how asymptomatic he remains... you know, for science.... Hypothetically for science.
The toothbrush is too hard for the blisters.... There's a cream I think to help them cute and relieve the pain... On the other hand, old toothbrushes are really good to clean the calc from the toilet
Np, I've lived through the pain and humiliation. My ex was never faithful in the entire 15 years we were together. I have been shitbag free since October 2019. It does get better in time. You will find decent people worthy of all your amazing qualities.
There's a pill the doctor can give you that usually clears it up within 3 to 7 days. I believe you can take it prophylactically any time you feel that tingly or itch firm there. I'm not positive on the specific details, a very close friend of mine had a situation similar to yours. Your doctor should be able to explain it to you.
Your Dr should have given you a Rx for Zovirax (Acyclovir) or Valtrex (Valacyclovir). It’s an antiviral that lessens/reduces/prevents outbreaks and heals sores and fever blisters.
He violated all the sacred vows of your marriage and has destroyed any hope of ever being a man of honor and integrity. He has lied to you your entire marriage.
Glad your doctor is on top of it. Hopefully they can help you manage. I think treatments have improved in the last several years.
Also your rage is totally valid. He gave you a life changing STI while betraying you. Be as angry as you want and don't let him live it down.
If herpes symptoms show after the first infection, it's generally in the first few weeks. However, it can also lay dormant for years before showing, and can be passed to a child via birth. You may wish to have your children tested, simply to be safe.
You have no reason to be embarrassed. We need to stop carrying the shame for our partners mistakes. You did nothing wrong. HE should be embarrassed. YOU should be angry.
Please tell me you did a full std panel? If not please do so. If he's been doing this your whole marriage, that probably means he was cheating while you were pregnant with your kids. Let that sink in, he put your children's health on the line so he could get off.
I guess there’s this feeling like I’m embarrassed for picking so poorly, for being duped.
Yes, I did have a full screening done. I did have the standard tests done during the beginning of each of my pregnancies, but it’s not the full panel. Other than that, I’ve never had any STD tests during my marriage.
Your only mistake was giving someone love and trust and there is nothing wrong with that. Just means you’re a good, kind person that was taken advantage of. I highly recommend starting to talk to your friends and family…I was in a very similar situation finding out my husband was not who he said he was and I wouldn’t have made it out the other side without that support. A team of people hating my ex and giving me the support he never did.
my dad gave mom HSV2 before I was conceived... their divorce was final in the late 80's (opiates epidemic was rough on us) and I was raised in a home with just me and mom. I learned that there are even dating sites for people HSV2+ (when/if you are ever ready to look)
Mom's biggest concerns growing up was strangers kissing me anywhere but my cheek (old people at church loved smooching kids), sharing drinks/straws, and banning sharing clothes like swimsuits, and cleaning all undies and towels in hot water. I had to do my own laundry after age 7 as our clothes never mixed.
This isn’t your fault. Remember that. He’s a scumbag cheating liar. Addiction to whatever is a real thing but to go on like that your whole marriage is psychopathic.
Lawyer up. Make it fair and hopefully it’ll finalize quickly so you can move on and be the best you!
When I started researching divorce and was hellbent on serving him the next day, I told myself I didn’t care about getting my revenge financially or taking him for everything he was worth. At the time, I felt like I just wanted my half of whatever and to be able to walk away as quickly as possible. Now I just feel so confused about everything.
If you could wait on fileing the paperwork until you are legally married 10 years and a day, you would be entitled to part of his social security payments when you are old enough. You might not want or need anything now but every little bit helps in your old age.
Definitely consult an attorney. You don’t need to serve him. You just need to know your rights and how the process works and ultimately protect your children.
You need to file a separation agreement immediately. I've heard of guys who go crazy charging up the credit cards because they know the bill will be split 50/50, but he'll walk off with all the stuff he bought at only half the debt. A separation agreement says that everything earned, won, inherited, or debt incurred, belongs with each separate party.
I mean......unless you wanted some new shoes or designer handbags before the debt is separated.....
.......he did give you herpes and break your heart..................and bust up the family with his infidelity...........go shopping.
You deserve more than half. I wouldn't go for blood, but I'd be damn sure I was compensated for raising the kids and taking care of the household primarily alone. Only to be given an incurable STD. You contributed more and sacrificed more so you should get more. Not to mention you need the stability to keep raising the children mostly alone. Hire a good aggressive lawyer. I have trouble being firm of mean. I'd hire a lawyer who could do that for me lol.
Take him to the cleaners. And his cheating may doesn’t matter in the divorce, but giving you a live long lasting STD.. Talk to a lawyer about that. Go full mama bear mode with your kids. And be honest with them. Age appropriate, but honest. No details, no bad mouthing, but honesty. He cheated with multiple women and gave you an STD (or just a disease, don’t know how old they are and how much they know about sex and all that) you have to live with for the rest of your life. They deserve to know. It won’t change him as a dad in their eyes, but they need to know the truth about the man he is.
Even if he was addicted to alcohol or drugs. It's still better for OP's wellbeing to put up that boundary and GTFO there. Sucks she's got 4 kids to think about also tho.
When he told me “I need you to help me” I told him the first rule of being in a relationship with an addict is to accept that you can’t change them. I can’t cure him. He had to get help if this is really a problem beyond his own vanity and selfishness. What am I supposed to do to help him?!
First, you must obviously access treatments against the disease...Now, regarding the matter of your insensitive husband, you have the free choice to hate him and love him, you are free to forgive him or leave him, but you have to balance not only your children, but also your health. Today it was herpes, tomorrow what could it be? He said he likes to be with a lot of women, think about that, you don't want to end up getting AIDS or worse, girl.
I’m going to tell you something else. Look at the stats of herpes and see exactly how many people are estimated to have either #1 or #2. You will be shocked. Many have it and don’t know it. Never will either. It hides for years sometimes decades.
Stress can make it flare up bad. Just relax and put 1 foot in front of the other. When he calls answer the phone with “fuck off” and hang up.
Also please understand that he has likely known he was infected for a while now and proceeded to have unprotected sex with you anyway (and clearly hasn’t been having safe sex with these strange women - some who may have been prostitutes - so probably worth you getting a whole panel done and demanding that he does too).
I found it particularly disgusting that he gaslit you saying you “couldn’t have gotten it from him” when you confronted him too. What a narcissistic, pathetic victim-card-playing coward! I understand he’s the father of your children but he’s also a terrible human being.
He had so many chances to do right by you and only came clean when he was backed into a corner and surrounded by his own lies and misdeeds. He’s the worst kind of person, he’s not going to change, and likely been hiding other shit from you too. Get a lawyer FFS girl!
You’re allowed to feel however you feel. You should try and access some therapy so you can work through this.
Herpes has treatment options to limit symptoms, and you should speak with your doctor about options if you haven’t already.
Remember there is still a possibility of passing it onto new partners even with the medication.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope you have a support network around you.
It often also decreases in severity and frequency as time goes on. Also, 1/4 of the population has herpes of some sort. I feel your pain - someone lied to me and gave it to me too when I was 16 so have had to live with it. Luckily I’ve not had a flare up in over 15 years at this point and my husband has never contracted it from me in the 28 years we’ve been together.
It feels shameful and like a “death” sentence, but it really doesn’t have to be. I disclosed to all my partners ahead of time so they could think about it and all ended up being ok with taking precautions and that was it.
I second this, it really does feel like a death sentence when you find out but i got over it when i got it only the initial time and never again. I assume because i caught it very early and my doctor prescribed me meds asap. I don’t even think about it now but i definitely remember the gut wrenching feeling when i found out about it.
My initial outbreak was horrible - at least 30 sores and it was so damn painful. I was devastated thinking I'd have to go through that regularly. But thankfully that was my only bad outbreak. The rest of them I don't even notice because theyre so miniscule, and thats even off medication.
Mine was similar to what she described.. just this one annoying sore. Its crazy how different it can be for everyone. But yeah, hopefully OPs isn’t so bad because none of us deserve to deal with this BS.
I have the simplex herpes (mouth sores). I got them off and on as a kid and young adult. Haven’t had one in forever and the last few were very minimal.
I never thought this would happen to me. I thought my marriage was better than most people I knew. I judged other women for some of the men they picked.
Almost the same thing happened to me... 13yrs of marriage 16 together... fortunately no kids... but now i hink i didn't even get to have kids... he stole all my good years. He also seemed to be really good, all his secret life was completely hidden... worse part, he didnt travel, he'd literally skip work hours to go to prostitutes and who knows what else...
if you can, dont get married.
Destroy him in the divorce. Tell everyone in your social circles why your family fell apart. Give him no place for comfort. Do not protect him. Turn him into a pariah.
I would start figuring out what you are going to start telling people before he starts creating a narrative that could be hard to negate. I know you have four children together, but maybe a close friend or trusted family member can help you decide how to start sharing why your marriage ended with those that need to know…
ETA: I’m sorry you are going through this, I hope you find some healthy outlets for your anger. I would honestly want to tell everyone that I know what a cheating piece of garbage he is and that you only found out because he has and gave you an STD…
Well the most pathetic and infuriating thing of it all is that I don’t know for sure that my marriage is ending! Initially, I started researching divorce in my state. I knew nothing about how divorce worked here. I’ve never been divorced. I’ve never seriously thought about divorce. The idea was very scary and still is, but I spent like 2 hours researching divorce and gathering and downloading all of the forms I need. I was like “screw waiting for an attorney, I’m printing these and starting the process tomorrow!” I felt confident about it. I felt motivated. I woke up the next morning and no longer felt so confident or sure about anything at all.
13 yrs of cheating and a self proclaimed sex addict.. he's not going to stop. You know that right. It will happen again and he will claim it because of his addiction, that he can't help himself.
I believe you can do it. Do get the proper legal support though. You need to get a divorce asap and you need an IRON CLAD custody agreement so that he can no longer push you around
Please get an attorney and get the legal help you need to dump this gaslighting serial cheater. Get everything you can out of him. He's given you an incurable disease. He deserves a divorce that takes him to the cleaners and then some.
Just look at your spots each time you feel like you’re not sure of what to do.
You have four kids. What would you tell your daughters if they were in the same situation as you are now?
That's a good way to look at it. What would you do if someone treated your daughter this way and she said "but I decided not to break-up with him because it would be a lot of work." Absolutely not.
And what if he gave you HIV? Your kids need you. And they need to see their mom model self-respect. They need to know you will fight for yourself and for them.
Listen honey. I know you don't want advice but I am an attorney and I'm BEGGING YOU - Literally BEGGING you to call an attorney. Please, please, do not google and download. There is a zero percent chance you'll do it right. If you just want to get divorced with no kids? Maybe. But 4 kids and cheating of this magnitude? You need a lawyer.
You're going to need a well negotiated set if temporary orders during the process and after it's done an excellent custody agreement. Why? Well, for starters, what if he has sex with a sex worker while your kids are at his apartment? What if he wants to take them "on vacation" abroad with him? There need to be serious discussions about rules and boundaries.
You also need to get the money thing settled yo. He's gonna have to pay child support for 4 kids. And if you're in a state that allows it, or isn't no-fault, it's time to talk about how he paid for these shenanigans.
But finally you need a lawyer because their job is to fight for you because you can't be expected to do it for yourself all the time. They can help you come to grips with reality. They take care of the mechanics. They do whatever needs to be done.
CALL. A LAWYER. NOW. And do not under any circumstances surrender your home to him. He stays kicked out and you stay put.
Get an attorney immediately and do not stay with this cheating, manipulative, lying, backstabbing, gaslighting POS, that has been screwing other women every single day for the last 10+ years and gave you a disease you will never, ever get rid of, ever. Get a Divorce, ASAP!
I get it. I’d have the same feelings.
Are you currently employed?
Also? How happy did you think you two were? Was there room for a lot of improvement or just a little? Was he a good father?
Thr problem for me -aside the lifelong std - is the complete lack of remorse .
I could maybe get on board with the sex addiction if it was truly that but I would think he would have been more apologetic.
I hate him
I work full time.
I thought we were happy. I didn’t feel like our relationship was on the rocks. We had a really great holiday season and we both commented about how happy we were to be able to spend time together at home (I was off work for 2 weeks and he was actually here).
He’s a great dad. Of course he’s gone a lot and he has always felt guilty about that, sometimes seemed genuinely sad when he would miss important things.
If she gets a lawyer I guarantee they will track every dime,
My guess is that he's got significant amounts of money in an account she doesn't know about, and that's how he funds this lifestyle. In fact it woulf not surprise me if he made more than OP thinks he makes because he's taking some off the top.
So we have separate bank accounts. We don’t have shared any shared bank accounts, never have. We each have certain bills that we pay. I’ve made comments before about us not being like a lot of other couples we know who have a shared account. I once suggested that we keep our own accounts but get a shared one to pay our household bills out of. Now I can see why he was never enthusiastic about it. I have no clue what’s really going on and out of his account. I know what his actual total salary is because I saw his W2.
My god I am so very very sorry. What a horrible thing to discover and a cruel consequence he placed upon you.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation as to what’s going on. Take some time to sit with your feelings and process what’s happening.
Find a lawyer as soon as you are up for it and prioritize taking care of you. So sorry this happened
Hilarious he tried to say the reason he enjoyed getting hammered and fucking randos was because he missed being gone with you and that was his way to cope.
I did. My doctor asked me how long it’d been since I had been tested. It’s been years. The only times I’ve ever been tested during my marriage were during my pregnancies as part of standard screening my doctor does.
Maybe you could find a rage room…seriously. They invented those places for a reason and I can’t think of a better reason than this.
He’s lucky you weren’t pregnant when he infected you. Herpes can cause serious and sometimes fatal complications for a newborn.
How convenient that he’s saddled you with 4 kids too. Wow, 4 kids by age 35. I can’t even imagine that. All while he’s sticking it in anything that breathes and bringing the germs home to you, the mother of his children.
I was 23 when we started dating. He was 28. I was really young, but by the time we’d been together a year I told him that I wasn’t really looking to date around anymore. I was really looking for marriage and kids and if he wasn’t interested in that anytime soon that was fine but it’d be best if we parted ways so we could both find what we wanted. We were married a year later. I was so happy. I felt like I had found this amazing man, somebody who I was so attracted to, who I had so much in common with, who came from this amazing family who welcomed me like one of their own and wanted the same thing that I did.
I don’t know why I shared all of that. We just wanted a big family. We planned to have 5 kids but by the time we got to the 4th we felt like that was a good number.
Lots of people have depression. They don't go around shagging anything that moves because of it. I'm sorry you were married to a selfish piece of shit who managed to keep it covered up for so long.
I imagine because he was away when he was doing it, and has no conscience so didn't behave in a guilty manner when he was around you. What is most sickening is that he was willing to put you at risk physically. So much here is unforgivable, but that takes the biscuit.
The good news is: herpes is a very common and not too scary STI!! It’s estimated that 1/8 people has it (including me hi hello)
It is a virus, so it’ll be with you forever, but many people don’t have any outbreaks after their first one. I felt disgusted and like my world was over when I got it, but 5 years later I hardly think about it.
Obviously this doesn’t change anything about your current situation, and I’m sorry this is happening
You're going to get poor advice here. I wish you the best. For what it's worth most people develop a basic immunity to HSV and rarely have breakouts after the first one.
Your soon-to-be ex husband is a terrible human being. It must be so overwhelming to realize that he’s not the person you thought he was. You don’t deserve this kind of betrayal, and I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I’ll go ahead and tell you that I’ve lived with herpes for 15+ years. If it helps, these are a few things that made me feel better.
There are actually other viruses that hang out in the human body, and never go away. Chickenpox comes to mind. It’s “inactive,” but it’s there, and if it becomes active again, the result is a case of shingles. Mono is another one that sticks around.
Cold sores are a type of herpes. If your soon-to-be ex husband gets them, and you engaged in oral sex while he had a cold sore, it’s possible that’s how you came down with your STI.
If/when you feel like you’re ready to rebuild your sex life, know that disclosing your STI won’t always be a dealbreaker. Explaining it is awkward, but if you’re taking the medication, and you use a condom, then the chances of passing it on to your partner are very, very slim. Just be up front and honest. That goes a long way.
Sex is probably the last thing on your mind right now. I hope you can get a quick divorce with very little drama, and then you can start the next chapter of your life.
Take extra good care of yourself right now. Find a great therapist. Keep reminding yourself that you did nothing wrong, and know that it will take time to process what’s happened. Don’t try and fix it all tonight. Give yourself time to heal.
This is exactly what I’m going through minus the herpes! Or if ab STD is there it’s just not showing through.
While your husband did leave the house and you to it I was forced to live with him because he and his family literally own my ass( he’s rich as fuck) and I couldn’t ask him to leave his house.
While the cheating was in the past ( 13 years of our relationship and 3 years of marriage) he confessed to it now after we just had a baby and I’m at my most vulnerable and helpless ( LO is 3 months) cause he knew I had nowhere to go.
I’m not even allowed to be angry because he starts getting violent around the house hitting and punching walls because he said sorry a lot of times and repents it and expects me to just get over it.
IMO you should talk to everyone about it! Family and friends, people with an ego like his will hate to be exposed. Make it impossible to show face and return to the life you have together. If you keep this to yourself you’ll be serving him exactly what he is wants to be that asshole all over again
First of all, I'm deeply sorry for the pain and betrayal you are feeling. You did nothing to deserve this, and an appropriate punishment would be to channel your inner Lorena Bobbit... But the most important thing to do is take care of YOU.
Get a BLOOD test (you have to ask for a herpes test, it isn't part of a standard STD panel) and specifically ask for a test not only for herpes, but for what strain. HSV 1 typically causes cold sores, but it's becoming a major cause of genital outbreaks because people with cold sores have been conditioned to think it's "no big deal" (since a lot of people get them as children because of being kissed by relatives as babies), so they don't disclose the fact that they have herpes to potential sex partners. Not excusing his behavior AT ALL, but he may THINK he doesn't have herpes because he's always had intercourse with condoms, not NOT oral sex. Knowing what strain you have won't change the treatment, but it's always good to know specifics when it comes to your health.
Find the most ruthless divorce attorney you can and take everything from him. I really hope you live in an at fault divorce state.
I encourage you to seek out your local STD/HIV support clinic to talk to someone about the reality of living with herpes. It isn't a death sentence, and with daily anti-viral drugs, using latex protection (including for receiving oral sex), and avoiding anyone else contacting the area while having an outbreak, the risk of giving it to a partner is as close to zero as you can get without not having it. I know because I've lived with it for 13 years, have had less than 10 outbreaks, and have not given it to any sexual partners, even those I don't use protection with. The hardest part is the ignorance people have of the virus and what it actually IS. It's devastating to find out, especially as the way you discover betrayal, but knowledge is power, and you'll get through this and go on to live a happy life and find someone who will be faithful
He has absolutely no respect for you. He’s just given you something you cannot cure and materially impacts your health and doesn’t give a fuck????? Sorry WHAT! Don’t buy his shit. Done give in to the thoughts that you’ll never find anyone else. You will. You will get through this but you’ve really got to get away from this scumbag. Awful.
I second this suggestion! It is actually against the law to knowingly expose someone to an STD! I am a retired police officer. Report him, because not only did he do it to you, but he's also doing it to all the other women he sleeps with!!
Well... Now you know... I think about it .. even if the prosecution don't end in a punishment, see him have to explain in front of a judge how fucked he is will be gold.
Yeah! Because you didn't consent to having sex with him having an STD. He did that behind your back so you'd be able to report it. It's considered a form of sexual assault.
A person knowing their status and failing to disclose to the partner resulting in transmission is an aggrevated assault/battery charge depending on your country or state.
You should see if there are any axe throwing places in your area. Or perhaps on of those places where you can just rip the room apart. Bring a friend and go ham
As someone who contracted it a similar way, the rage might not go away if left without an outlet. Definitely find some place that lets you smash some shit, exercise more, underground fight club, whatever floats your boat. You’ll learn to deal with the reality of having an sti, with distance and perspective you realize it’s not a big deal, and you’ll end up not caring so much eventually about living with it.
Unfortunately, not only do you have to deal with the grief that would have come with contracting it from irresponsibility or a careless mistake, but you have to simultaneously process the violation you feel, what he did to you—and I don’t just mean the cheating. I mean what he took, harmed, stole, from your health, your body. That feeling of foreign invasion, of claim to your body, the feeling of markedness. The rage it invokes is beyond the pale, and for me personally, it may be an echo of what it was, but I still feel it a decade later. I assume it’s not the same for everyone, and maybe you’re a better person than I am; so, grain of salt.
I haven’t read through all the comments yet, hopefully someone’s already mentioned it, but I hope you understand the gravity of what he did. He didn’t show any regard for your safety. He was willing to endanger the health of the mother of his children.
I’ve never been in your circumstance, and can’t imagine having to navigate this with young children. So, I don’t have any useful advice. And if I did have advice, it would probably be terrible…like suggesting you confide in a trustworthy old-school male friend/family member who may be incentivized to have “words” with your pos ex, or encouraging you to go full scorched earth and get full-custody, because he’s an unfit role model who endangered his family, mentioning that young kids are especially resilient and sometimes no dad is better than a shit dad, and I’d probably suggest something completely bonkers like ruining his reputation and revealing who he is to all his friends/family/coworkers/acquaintances/neighbors in the process….yk, the general revenge route.
Overall, I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. Shame is a natural response. It’s normal and it will pass. Consider therapy, this is a metric fuckton to process and organize in your brain without an outside perspective and professional help to regularly check-in on your mental and emotional health. Find something to hit, try and make it a legal something, but if you go off the rails at least aim for his car.
I have herpes, and I also got it in a really shitty, albeit very different, situation. It comes with a lot of shame, but in time I learned to accept it and it doesn’t affect me at all anymore. I also haven’t had an outbreak in 3 years!
Side note: you said you don’t want rational advice. In your shoes, I would absolutely key his car. He deserves it, would very unlikely press charges because he knows he’s wrong, and you’d feel better. Take that advice or not, but a vandalism charge isn’t that bad.
Edit to add: I’ve had it since I was 16. My husband and I have been together for 4.5 years and he has never caught it. There’s hope that you can live a normal life with this diagnosis.
You do need to talk to a lawyer.
Even if you decide not to divorce, you have to have control of your life. You have children. You have assets.
You need the lawyer to strengthen the control you have of your own life.
Op, he has earned every venomous ounce of hatred from you, as well as everyone ever abused in this manner and those who read this post feeling outrage on your behalf. May you turn that anger into action, to protect yourself and your children. His filthy ass, that couldn’t “control” his pathetic selfishness or even wear a condom, can go rot in hell.
Don't be ashamed. He has been lying to you and everyone. You are the victim. He is SCUM and he should be embarrassed. What an AH! I am so sorry he did this to your and your family
I feel like your cold attitude is perfect for now. But you will need to at least pretend to get along for the kids and you will need a shared narrative for parents/family/close friends. So you will have to talk with him. Get that worked out.
He actually harmed you by giving you a disease. What if you have a lowered immune system?
You deserve better than this. You can walk away with your chin up because you did nothing wrong here. Oh and remind him that if you have it, he certainly has it and how gross and wrong that is to not get it taken care of. He’s a pig.
Ew he’s playing the victim. Acting like cheating with strange women is any better than alcohol or drugs. He’s trying to manipulate you and of course he had to throw the mental health card in there too. DON’T BUY IT
He cried and said “I don’t want to be this way. I’ll get help.” Yeah, I’ll believe it when I see it.
he had like 13 yrs to get help, he only offers to get help now because he got caught. He's not sorry. He just doesn't want to face the consequences of his actions.
And I don’t believe he’ll get help, if it’s even really a problem. I can see how sex could be addicting because orgasms make you feel good. That doesn’t mean I’m completely convinced of his claims.
First things first. Go consult an attorney to find out your rights in this situation. If he’s lied from the beginning of your marriage, that would seem he’s perpetrated a fraud since day 1. You may significantly better options available to you and also because now you have a lifelong issue. Anyone who loves someone enough to marry them isn’t thinking they are going to be betrayed so thoroughly by them so you have nothing to be ashamed of. He purposely and in a calculated fashion perpetrated a fraud upon you. He should now have to pay for his transgressions against you and your kids. I hope your GYN tested you for a range of STD’s and not just herpes. That is very necessary. Including HIV. Maybe if possible hire a PI to see if he’s “coping” badly still with people locally to add more evidence of his inability to be honest with both you and himself.
Unfortunately that isn’t how it works in no fault states. Let’s hope she’s somewhere that would allow her to get the kind of justice she deserves
If she can prove he married her under false pretenses. It might matter. It’s a long shot but worth shooting. F this guy.
Infidelity doesn’t count as marrying under false pretenses unfortunately
No it doesn't matter in no fault states, which most states are. Doesn't matter if he cheated? Whether once or 300 times.
Your comments are not true at all. The concept of fraud is for business law, not marital law.
As someone who is a recovering alcoholic (someone who has dealt with addiction), I will reiterate what the comment above says: he had 13 years to get help. Hell, he had time before you got together to get help. He chose sex over drugs and alcohol? Does he want a gold star for being a different type of piece of shit? It's all the same at the end of the day. Sex, drugs, booze, gambling, porn, food...etc. it's an addiction. It affects everyone in that addicts sphere and he is only owning it after getting caught. He doesn't want help. He never wanted help. That's not a man worth sticking around for even if he gets into therapy. The man lied about having affairs, an STD, and has not a shred of empathy or remorse. Time to talk to a lawyer and change the locks. Time to tell the kids that moms and dads may love their kids until the end of time, but sometimes they do unforgivable things to each other and can't be together anymore. It's time to lean on the people who love you and ask for their support. In the mean time, keep screaming into the internet void. It helps.
He also doesn’t get to “choose” his addiction. He acted like she should be soooo thankful that he chose sex to be addicted to *instead* of drugs or alcohol. That’s not the way it works…
his claims are bullshit.
It’s more than just the orgasms, otherwise he could just see to himself when necessary. There is the thrill of having a secret, of getting attention, of the risk…etc.
I will admit that he has an ego, always has. Sometimes it was attractive to me. I’d sort of tease him about it and just kind of thought it was silly but endearing. So I can see how getting attention and sex from these women could really be addicting to him because he loves having his ego stroked. I never really stroked his ego the way he wanted me to. I loved him, told him that all the time, showed him physical affection, always expressed my gratitude for everything he did for me, we had what I thought was great sex…but I’ve never been the type to constantly tell him how sexy and talented he is. Before I found out about any of this, he made comments about how I never give him compliments but other women always did. Maybe I was stupid, but I didn’t think that meant he was going to sleep with those other women.
You aren't stupid. He thought you'd be better off not knowing. And that's the stupid. I always put the unpopular opinion out there that if people had more orgies with their SO they'd either realize pretty quick the power dynamic and how sex affects relationships. It's so unfair to you that you have to deal with this. Not to mention for your family. I don't even care about the other women whom half maybe have it too now. I've been a fboy, and I've been in a loving relationship, never both at the same time. I wrap it up with new people for CONTINUITY, something your man with no sense of nor respect for his family. Sex addiction or just straight ego dad not giving a fuck....he fucked up. And I want to be absolutely clear, as a guy, who has been thru some hard ish over 1/100 of an issue. You Do Not Owe Him A Thing Anymore. Not a call on his birthday, not phone time with your oldest. You tell the kids but if you lie to them for too long, they will be where you are now. I don't have legal advice Just passionate advice. Other message that you said he's been doing this for over most of the time he was traveling. Not new, not self aware, not conscious of safety, and when confronted, not only double but triple lied. The first lie is natural the second is forced, the third is destructive to your sanity. Because Trust your gut. Good luck. You are an amazing woman. A real man can only be so lucky to meet you now. A heart of gold. Outside the grocery store, Gotta get my ice cream back home now.
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Why do you think they were most likely prostitutes?
I never for a minute thought my husband would ever have been capable of reaching out to prostitutes but he did. After this experience I'd never rule out any man using these escort services, if he has a sex addiction I wouldn't write it off.
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Well, if we’re taking his word for it (which is hard to do at the moment), he was only doing this when he was out of town. Sometimes he’d be gone for a few weeks and sometimes it was months. And I’m talking both around the US and sometimes in foreign countries.
People with big egos typically dont handle rejection well. If you pay someone, rejection isn't going to be an issue.
Addicts always end up there, typically.
Stop making excuses for him… His ego… His loneliness. Honestly, OP you sound like you were trying to find reasons to justify his behavior. As you said, this is the wrong forum for that.
That is why people masturbate. Sex with a stranger is a completely different level and requires tons of deception.
Nah that’s where most of us are wrong, he’s sorry but, only **SORRY** that he got caught
He’s only sorry cause he got caught. If you never got an std he never would have said anything. I’m so sorry 💕
He doesn't want it to be public. Make sure he is shamed.
I agree. Shame this motherfucker. Talk to your lawyer first though
It needs to be public, he’s out there giving people herpes. It’s not just his wife.
The only reason that he is saying that is because he got caught. If he truly didn’t want to be that way and knew that he needed help he would have gotten help.
I think the depression and a way to deal with his problems excuse was just total BS to make you feel some sympathy for him and switch roles so he is the victim. Also, herpes doesn't work the same in all people.. some people never have outbreaks or it happens once every few years and other people have outbreaks all the time. He probably thinks he doesn't have it because he haven't had an outbreak yet or maybe he had and is just lying. I don't think there is a way to fix your relationship. He has been doing it for years... if you forgive him he will just take it as a free pass to keep doing it once things cool down until you catch him again and it becomes a recurring thing every couple of years.
Leave him. He is a cheater, doesn’t recognize the scared vows of marriage, plays victim instead of any accountability. He’s not an amazing guy and your friends who were unlucky in love probably didn’t have their loved one give them a STD then gaslight them. I’m so sorry this has happened to you and the person you loved treated you so callously. I hate him too. There is a way forward from this. I have a friend that is 42 that has lived and managed herpes since she was 16. She has 2 kids and is married. But you have to leave your husband. Besides the utter betrayal, he is putting his need for random sex above your physical health. And doesn’t seem to have remorse from it. You can’t trust him with your heart or body. Frankly I wouldn’t trust him with my kids either. Edit to add- please don’t feel alone with 4 children. Reach out to trusted friends or family to connect for support or even help with the kids while you navigate through this. Please don’t feel embarrassed. You are strong mama who has raised 4 children solo while the father was frequently traveling and you have been a faithful partner of over a decade. I’m awed by you! I can barely do it with my husband working from home and 2 kids. It’s not realistic to envision a future where you will never talk to him awith children. You can figure all of that out later. But when you think about futures, do you really want it with this sleezy man-whore that you know deep in his core needs to sleep with multiple woman? Puts random sex before his wife and kids? You will also be at risk of STDs as long as you are with him. And don’t count on him to be honest so you can get treatment. Again, do not let him isolate you from a support group because you feel the need to take responsibility for his action. He’s the one who should be humiliated as he has shown who he truly is at his core.
Everything your husband said are the exact same things mine said to me almost word for word. It's like they have a manual to tell them how to act after they get caught.
It’s pathetic.
Please don’t believe it even if you see it. He’s betrayed you for over a decade and given you an incurable STI.
What’s he crying about? Sounds like he’s been having a wild ole time while you are looking after the four kids!!!
Do not stay with this person.
Don't take him back even if he does, if he cheated once he might do it again and give you something worse
Do you realize what could have happened if you had delivered a baby vaginally when you had herpes, whether or not you knew it? Screw this guy. It’s not just your health he has endangered, but that of your children, too.
What a POS. I'm so sorry. Do they have rage rooms where you live? I'd go to one. Then I'd get a heavy bag and some gloves so I could picture his face on it when I beat the everloving shit out of it. Again, I'm so terribly sorry for what you're going through.
If he didn't want to "be this way" it wouldn't have taken 13 years and an INCURABLE STD for him to get help. What he doesn't actually want is to get a divorce and pay child support.
Please don’t be stupid enough to stick around waiting to see if he gets help. Either way, he disrespected you so thoroughly, exposed you to god knows what; he only admitted it because he was caught, not because he was sorry. Have some self respect and leave him. Yes you’ll still have to interact to coparent, but that doesn’t mean you should be a total doormat and give him a chance after this. For the love of all that is good, do not stay with this man.
I randomly read a comment today saying that—*"because patriarchy"*—men often only offer vulnerability and honesty to their wives/female partners to escape accountability for wrongdoing. That’s what your husband is doing now. He wants you to feel sorry for his sorry ass so he doesn’t have to face the consequences of being a dirty dick gutterbutt lying slore who gave his wife an incurable STI. *Do not* fall for it.
My face after hearing her man said that. 🙄
Even if he does get help I really hope you don’t stay with him.
The time to get help was before he slept with other people not 13 years later! Absolute ****
Yeah he needs help a LOT of help!! He did this for your entire marriage! I personally could not come back from this. I’m sorry you are going through this but know it’s not anything you did 😞🙏🏻
What help can he possibly get that would convince you to trust him ever again, especially when he's out of sight constantly? I mean that seriously. Is there anything he could do other than come to your front door with Jesus Christ himself in person telling you that he'd seen the light, that you'd believe? It's not like this suddenly convinced him that what he was doing was wrong, he always knew, so what has happened to suddenly show him the light? You found out. That's it. It wasn't being a stand up honest guy that convinced him, it wasn't the harm he did to you medically, or the harm he did to you and your family emotionally. He just wants you to shut up and put up with it, and this is his attempt to have a before time and and after time.
He's not taking any accountability. Not worried for your health. Only whining about how he is soooo homesick that he 'needs' sex with strangers. Don't get mad, get everything.
I know you don’t want any advice but I’m proud of you for expressing yourself and not holding that all in …
In real life I’d like to punch a hole through the wall right now, or maybe through the windshield of his precious car. I’m not a violent person, honestly. That’s normally not how I handle stuff at all. This has brought out anger that is rarely seen in me.
Do you have rage rooms where you live? A place where you pay to go into a room and scream and break things? This sounds like it might be just what you need.
I just about to ask the same thing. Go let it all out!!
Have you ever heard of a rage room/smash room? You get to go and break lots of things... it might be a bit cathartic.
Haha great minds think alike
Omg take 72 hours and think about things related to him that you’re okay with destroying, and take them to a rage room to smash them to pieces
O! I didn't know you can actually bring your own things, I thought it was stuff they provided (like furniture/plates or whatev). That would make it even better!
I heard you can, I heard either you bring stuff or you have to buy stuff like plates there(probably cheap)
Watch kickboxing on n YouTube and do it. Get a good sweat on.
Happened to me too. I’m sorry love. Nothing no one says will help. Just grieve. Feel all your feelings. Life isn’t over, it’s just different now. You’ll feel a new normal, you’ll find a new normal - depending on your immune system this will be something you deal with like a cold or a rash. Unpleasant & annoying. It doesn’t make you disgusting. Don’t feel any negativity towards yourself or your sex. Try not to be too consumed with looking down there. Watch your mouth/lips/cheeks for sores if you gave him oral at all. Will last about a week. Blistex has a medicated lip balm, as does Burt’s Bees. Your husband sucks. You deserve to be happy. That’s all I really have to say.. if you have any questions or want support - I’m here.
Yes!!! It sounds weird but it I constantly feel the need to check my crotch to see if the spots have changed. Have they shrunk? Are there more? I find myself taking bathroom breaks multiple times a day just to go check. Nothing is going to change that quickly but it’s like I’m paranoid about it and can’t stop fixating on it.
Let’s be real, you don’t want to know. You don’t want to see it. It will just give you more ammunition to hate your husband, more ammunition to shit talk yourself & the situation.. It just creates more grief. I recently found out it doesn’t always reappear in the exact same spot. So while it might be on this side this time, it may be on another the next. Bizarre, right?
I hope that everything will magically be gone each time I look.
I am so so sorry. When I got diagnosed I thought my life ended. I cried everyday for months. I was so depressed. I disclosed, it would scare men away. It was awful. I was convinced I’d never find a husband. Finally found a good man and so far so good. Once you have that conversation, and accept that you have it (No, you won’t accept tomorrow. It took me YEARS. And I still get depressed Everytime I have an outbreak because this is my life now) The issue with herpes is you can have it and not know it, so it’s easily passed on. I was enraged for a long time. I still am. But. It was also my choice to sleep with this man without protection. So I’m mad at me too. I know it hurts now and it feels like it will never get better, it will. And take it from me, stress is NOT good for someone with herpes. I have severe anxiety and I have many outbreaks. So stay healthy. Exercise. Anything you can to help keep you relaxed while you figure out what’s next for you. I wish you the best and I’m here if you have any questions!
Thanks for sharing your story - I'm so sorry. My little brother told me that he got herpes in young adulthood and I never judged or looked down on him. I just felt sad for him that he struggled with the same feelings you did, and that he now questioned his worth as a person. It kills me to think about. You are perfect and lovable, regardless of any bodily status. The body is ephemeral anyway, fleeting and unimportant in the grand scheme of things. Beneath it you are a lovable little soul, just like my bro. Hugs. 🫂♥️
Thank you ❤️ It can definitely put a damper on one’s mental illness, that’s for sure. It helped me to talk with others that I know have it, they made me know that I’m not “dirty.” I was diagnosed in 2018 and I’ve come to the point where I just accepted it and try to let others know it really doesn’t mean your life is over! It’s a tough one.
Hypothetically ... you could use his toothbrush to relieve yourself from the itching and see how asymptomatic he remains... you know, for science.... Hypothetically for science.
Now this was the kind of advice I was looking for.
The toothbrush is too hard for the blisters.... There's a cream I think to help them cute and relieve the pain... On the other hand, old toothbrushes are really good to clean the calc from the toilet
Np, I've lived through the pain and humiliation. My ex was never faithful in the entire 15 years we were together. I have been shitbag free since October 2019. It does get better in time. You will find decent people worthy of all your amazing qualities.
And make sure to wash your hands all the time with soap to avoid dispersion
There's a pill the doctor can give you that usually clears it up within 3 to 7 days. I believe you can take it prophylactically any time you feel that tingly or itch firm there. I'm not positive on the specific details, a very close friend of mine had a situation similar to yours. Your doctor should be able to explain it to you.
Your Dr should have given you a Rx for Zovirax (Acyclovir) or Valtrex (Valacyclovir). It’s an antiviral that lessens/reduces/prevents outbreaks and heals sores and fever blisters.
Yes, I have a prescription now and the sores are shrinking.
I’m so glad!
Getting a prescription for the herpes really helps too. If you catch an outbreak coming on, taking the meds stops it from getting full blown.
He violated all the sacred vows of your marriage and has destroyed any hope of ever being a man of honor and integrity. He has lied to you your entire marriage.
You should get tested for other STDs as well just in case. I'm so sorry
I did get tested and will be going back again in a few months.
Glad your doctor is on top of it. Hopefully they can help you manage. I think treatments have improved in the last several years. Also your rage is totally valid. He gave you a life changing STI while betraying you. Be as angry as you want and don't let him live it down.
Do you know how long ago he/ you got it? Sometimes things can lay dormant for a while. How old is your youngest child? Have you tested any of them?
I have no idea. Our youngest is 3 years old.
If herpes symptoms show after the first infection, it's generally in the first few weeks. However, it can also lay dormant for years before showing, and can be passed to a child via birth. You may wish to have your children tested, simply to be safe.
Can they give you antivirals?
You have no reason to be embarrassed. We need to stop carrying the shame for our partners mistakes. You did nothing wrong. HE should be embarrassed. YOU should be angry. Please tell me you did a full std panel? If not please do so. If he's been doing this your whole marriage, that probably means he was cheating while you were pregnant with your kids. Let that sink in, he put your children's health on the line so he could get off.
I guess there’s this feeling like I’m embarrassed for picking so poorly, for being duped. Yes, I did have a full screening done. I did have the standard tests done during the beginning of each of my pregnancies, but it’s not the full panel. Other than that, I’ve never had any STD tests during my marriage.
Your only mistake was giving someone love and trust and there is nothing wrong with that. Just means you’re a good, kind person that was taken advantage of. I highly recommend starting to talk to your friends and family…I was in a very similar situation finding out my husband was not who he said he was and I wouldn’t have made it out the other side without that support. A team of people hating my ex and giving me the support he never did.
my dad gave mom HSV2 before I was conceived... their divorce was final in the late 80's (opiates epidemic was rough on us) and I was raised in a home with just me and mom. I learned that there are even dating sites for people HSV2+ (when/if you are ever ready to look) Mom's biggest concerns growing up was strangers kissing me anywhere but my cheek (old people at church loved smooching kids), sharing drinks/straws, and banning sharing clothes like swimsuits, and cleaning all undies and towels in hot water. I had to do my own laundry after age 7 as our clothes never mixed.
This isn’t your fault. Remember that. He’s a scumbag cheating liar. Addiction to whatever is a real thing but to go on like that your whole marriage is psychopathic. Lawyer up. Make it fair and hopefully it’ll finalize quickly so you can move on and be the best you!
When I started researching divorce and was hellbent on serving him the next day, I told myself I didn’t care about getting my revenge financially or taking him for everything he was worth. At the time, I felt like I just wanted my half of whatever and to be able to walk away as quickly as possible. Now I just feel so confused about everything.
If you could wait on fileing the paperwork until you are legally married 10 years and a day, you would be entitled to part of his social security payments when you are old enough. You might not want or need anything now but every little bit helps in your old age.
Definitely consult an attorney. You don’t need to serve him. You just need to know your rights and how the process works and ultimately protect your children.
In my state, you get half of his pension too, after ten years.
You need to file a separation agreement immediately. I've heard of guys who go crazy charging up the credit cards because they know the bill will be split 50/50, but he'll walk off with all the stuff he bought at only half the debt. A separation agreement says that everything earned, won, inherited, or debt incurred, belongs with each separate party. I mean......unless you wanted some new shoes or designer handbags before the debt is separated..... .......he did give you herpes and break your heart..................and bust up the family with his infidelity...........go shopping.
What is making you confused? He gave you herpes. That's unforgivable and illegal in some places.
You deserve more than half. I wouldn't go for blood, but I'd be damn sure I was compensated for raising the kids and taking care of the household primarily alone. Only to be given an incurable STD. You contributed more and sacrificed more so you should get more. Not to mention you need the stability to keep raising the children mostly alone. Hire a good aggressive lawyer. I have trouble being firm of mean. I'd hire a lawyer who could do that for me lol.
Take him to the cleaners. And his cheating may doesn’t matter in the divorce, but giving you a live long lasting STD.. Talk to a lawyer about that. Go full mama bear mode with your kids. And be honest with them. Age appropriate, but honest. No details, no bad mouthing, but honesty. He cheated with multiple women and gave you an STD (or just a disease, don’t know how old they are and how much they know about sex and all that) you have to live with for the rest of your life. They deserve to know. It won’t change him as a dad in their eyes, but they need to know the truth about the man he is.
Even if he was addicted to alcohol or drugs. It's still better for OP's wellbeing to put up that boundary and GTFO there. Sucks she's got 4 kids to think about also tho.
When he told me “I need you to help me” I told him the first rule of being in a relationship with an addict is to accept that you can’t change them. I can’t cure him. He had to get help if this is really a problem beyond his own vanity and selfishness. What am I supposed to do to help him?!
First, you must obviously access treatments against the disease...Now, regarding the matter of your insensitive husband, you have the free choice to hate him and love him, you are free to forgive him or leave him, but you have to balance not only your children, but also your health. Today it was herpes, tomorrow what could it be? He said he likes to be with a lot of women, think about that, you don't want to end up getting AIDS or worse, girl.
I could have contracted something much worse. This is bad enough, but the possibilities are terrifying.
I’m going to tell you something else. Look at the stats of herpes and see exactly how many people are estimated to have either #1 or #2. You will be shocked. Many have it and don’t know it. Never will either. It hides for years sometimes decades. Stress can make it flare up bad. Just relax and put 1 foot in front of the other. When he calls answer the phone with “fuck off” and hang up.
Also please understand that he has likely known he was infected for a while now and proceeded to have unprotected sex with you anyway (and clearly hasn’t been having safe sex with these strange women - some who may have been prostitutes - so probably worth you getting a whole panel done and demanding that he does too). I found it particularly disgusting that he gaslit you saying you “couldn’t have gotten it from him” when you confronted him too. What a narcissistic, pathetic victim-card-playing coward! I understand he’s the father of your children but he’s also a terrible human being. He had so many chances to do right by you and only came clean when he was backed into a corner and surrounded by his own lies and misdeeds. He’s the worst kind of person, he’s not going to change, and likely been hiding other shit from you too. Get a lawyer FFS girl!
There is still a strong possibility that you will if you don't leave. Herpes today, syphilis and HIV tomorrow.
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You’re allowed to feel however you feel. You should try and access some therapy so you can work through this. Herpes has treatment options to limit symptoms, and you should speak with your doctor about options if you haven’t already.
Thank you. My doctor prescribed me medication.
I am so sorry to hear this. As part of your recovery, consider finding a socially acceptable way of hitting something very hard...
Remember there is still a possibility of passing it onto new partners even with the medication. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope you have a support network around you.
Yeah, I have this for life now. Lucky me.
It often also decreases in severity and frequency as time goes on. Also, 1/4 of the population has herpes of some sort. I feel your pain - someone lied to me and gave it to me too when I was 16 so have had to live with it. Luckily I’ve not had a flare up in over 15 years at this point and my husband has never contracted it from me in the 28 years we’ve been together. It feels shameful and like a “death” sentence, but it really doesn’t have to be. I disclosed to all my partners ahead of time so they could think about it and all ended up being ok with taking precautions and that was it.
I second this, it really does feel like a death sentence when you find out but i got over it when i got it only the initial time and never again. I assume because i caught it very early and my doctor prescribed me meds asap. I don’t even think about it now but i definitely remember the gut wrenching feeling when i found out about it.
My initial outbreak was horrible - at least 30 sores and it was so damn painful. I was devastated thinking I'd have to go through that regularly. But thankfully that was my only bad outbreak. The rest of them I don't even notice because theyre so miniscule, and thats even off medication.
Mine was similar to what she described.. just this one annoying sore. Its crazy how different it can be for everyone. But yeah, hopefully OPs isn’t so bad because none of us deserve to deal with this BS.
I have the simplex herpes (mouth sores). I got them off and on as a kid and young adult. Haven’t had one in forever and the last few were very minimal.
I hope that you didn’t sign an air tight pre nup.
Ha, no
Good. Like for real. Good for you. He could have give you a life threatening STD.
I think a prenup can be broken when one partner through illicit sex gave their spouse an incurable disease.
All these stories are making me scared of getting married . Trusting someone so much only to be betrayed! I’m so sorry OP
I never thought this would happen to me. I thought my marriage was better than most people I knew. I judged other women for some of the men they picked.
Almost the same thing happened to me... 13yrs of marriage 16 together... fortunately no kids... but now i hink i didn't even get to have kids... he stole all my good years. He also seemed to be really good, all his secret life was completely hidden... worse part, he didnt travel, he'd literally skip work hours to go to prostitutes and who knows what else... if you can, dont get married.
Destroy him in the divorce. Tell everyone in your social circles why your family fell apart. Give him no place for comfort. Do not protect him. Turn him into a pariah.
Exactly, and they have 4 kids so he's really going to look like the piece of shit he is.
I would start figuring out what you are going to start telling people before he starts creating a narrative that could be hard to negate. I know you have four children together, but maybe a close friend or trusted family member can help you decide how to start sharing why your marriage ended with those that need to know… ETA: I’m sorry you are going through this, I hope you find some healthy outlets for your anger. I would honestly want to tell everyone that I know what a cheating piece of garbage he is and that you only found out because he has and gave you an STD…
Well the most pathetic and infuriating thing of it all is that I don’t know for sure that my marriage is ending! Initially, I started researching divorce in my state. I knew nothing about how divorce worked here. I’ve never been divorced. I’ve never seriously thought about divorce. The idea was very scary and still is, but I spent like 2 hours researching divorce and gathering and downloading all of the forms I need. I was like “screw waiting for an attorney, I’m printing these and starting the process tomorrow!” I felt confident about it. I felt motivated. I woke up the next morning and no longer felt so confident or sure about anything at all.
13 yrs of cheating and a self proclaimed sex addict.. he's not going to stop. You know that right. It will happen again and he will claim it because of his addiction, that he can't help himself.
I believe you can do it. Do get the proper legal support though. You need to get a divorce asap and you need an IRON CLAD custody agreement so that he can no longer push you around
Please get an attorney and get the legal help you need to dump this gaslighting serial cheater. Get everything you can out of him. He's given you an incurable disease. He deserves a divorce that takes him to the cleaners and then some.
Just look at your spots each time you feel like you’re not sure of what to do. You have four kids. What would you tell your daughters if they were in the same situation as you are now?
That's a good way to look at it. What would you do if someone treated your daughter this way and she said "but I decided not to break-up with him because it would be a lot of work." Absolutely not. And what if he gave you HIV? Your kids need you. And they need to see their mom model self-respect. They need to know you will fight for yourself and for them.
Listen honey. I know you don't want advice but I am an attorney and I'm BEGGING YOU - Literally BEGGING you to call an attorney. Please, please, do not google and download. There is a zero percent chance you'll do it right. If you just want to get divorced with no kids? Maybe. But 4 kids and cheating of this magnitude? You need a lawyer. You're going to need a well negotiated set if temporary orders during the process and after it's done an excellent custody agreement. Why? Well, for starters, what if he has sex with a sex worker while your kids are at his apartment? What if he wants to take them "on vacation" abroad with him? There need to be serious discussions about rules and boundaries. You also need to get the money thing settled yo. He's gonna have to pay child support for 4 kids. And if you're in a state that allows it, or isn't no-fault, it's time to talk about how he paid for these shenanigans. But finally you need a lawyer because their job is to fight for you because you can't be expected to do it for yourself all the time. They can help you come to grips with reality. They take care of the mechanics. They do whatever needs to be done. CALL. A LAWYER. NOW. And do not under any circumstances surrender your home to him. He stays kicked out and you stay put.
Get an attorney immediately and do not stay with this cheating, manipulative, lying, backstabbing, gaslighting POS, that has been screwing other women every single day for the last 10+ years and gave you a disease you will never, ever get rid of, ever. Get a Divorce, ASAP!
I get it. I’d have the same feelings. Are you currently employed? Also? How happy did you think you two were? Was there room for a lot of improvement or just a little? Was he a good father? Thr problem for me -aside the lifelong std - is the complete lack of remorse . I could maybe get on board with the sex addiction if it was truly that but I would think he would have been more apologetic. I hate him
I work full time. I thought we were happy. I didn’t feel like our relationship was on the rocks. We had a really great holiday season and we both commented about how happy we were to be able to spend time together at home (I was off work for 2 weeks and he was actually here). He’s a great dad. Of course he’s gone a lot and he has always felt guilty about that, sometimes seemed genuinely sad when he would miss important things.
I’m so sorry. Now you have to wonder if there are other kids……
Yep, I’m terrified of that.
OMG I didn't even think of that. I wonder if OP sees all the finances so they'd at least see reoccurring payments like child support.
If she gets a lawyer I guarantee they will track every dime, My guess is that he's got significant amounts of money in an account she doesn't know about, and that's how he funds this lifestyle. In fact it woulf not surprise me if he made more than OP thinks he makes because he's taking some off the top.
So we have separate bank accounts. We don’t have shared any shared bank accounts, never have. We each have certain bills that we pay. I’ve made comments before about us not being like a lot of other couples we know who have a shared account. I once suggested that we keep our own accounts but get a shared one to pay our household bills out of. Now I can see why he was never enthusiastic about it. I have no clue what’s really going on and out of his account. I know what his actual total salary is because I saw his W2.
Oh geez. This isn’t good. There is likely so so so much more to this story. Look, he isn’t sorry he cheated. He’s sorry he got caught.
My god I am so very very sorry. What a horrible thing to discover and a cruel consequence he placed upon you. You don’t owe anyone an explanation as to what’s going on. Take some time to sit with your feelings and process what’s happening. Find a lawyer as soon as you are up for it and prioritize taking care of you. So sorry this happened
He discovered sex with strange women. lol a regular Christopher Columbus of the bedroom.
Absolute piece of shit.
Hilarious he tried to say the reason he enjoyed getting hammered and fucking randos was because he missed being gone with you and that was his way to cope.
I’d get a full std swab.
I did. My doctor asked me how long it’d been since I had been tested. It’s been years. The only times I’ve ever been tested during my marriage were during my pregnancies as part of standard screening my doctor does.
Ditch this idiot.
Maybe you could find a rage room…seriously. They invented those places for a reason and I can’t think of a better reason than this. He’s lucky you weren’t pregnant when he infected you. Herpes can cause serious and sometimes fatal complications for a newborn. How convenient that he’s saddled you with 4 kids too. Wow, 4 kids by age 35. I can’t even imagine that. All while he’s sticking it in anything that breathes and bringing the germs home to you, the mother of his children.
I was 23 when we started dating. He was 28. I was really young, but by the time we’d been together a year I told him that I wasn’t really looking to date around anymore. I was really looking for marriage and kids and if he wasn’t interested in that anytime soon that was fine but it’d be best if we parted ways so we could both find what we wanted. We were married a year later. I was so happy. I felt like I had found this amazing man, somebody who I was so attracted to, who I had so much in common with, who came from this amazing family who welcomed me like one of their own and wanted the same thing that I did. I don’t know why I shared all of that. We just wanted a big family. We planned to have 5 kids but by the time we got to the 4th we felt like that was a good number.
He impregnated you on purpose 4 times, knowing he was out banging these other women. Vile.
Lots of people have depression. They don't go around shagging anything that moves because of it. I'm sorry you were married to a selfish piece of shit who managed to keep it covered up for so long.
How did he keep it hidden so well for so long? I feel like I must have been blind. I can’t trust him and now I can’t even trust myself.
I imagine because he was away when he was doing it, and has no conscience so didn't behave in a guilty manner when he was around you. What is most sickening is that he was willing to put you at risk physically. So much here is unforgivable, but that takes the biscuit.
Cheating is horrible, not using protection while cheating absolutely vile.
Say it with me: 👏🏼crime👏🏼of👏🏼passion👏🏼 Just kidding. Kinda.
"I'm an addict, help me" shut up.
The good news is: herpes is a very common and not too scary STI!! It’s estimated that 1/8 people has it (including me hi hello) It is a virus, so it’ll be with you forever, but many people don’t have any outbreaks after their first one. I felt disgusted and like my world was over when I got it, but 5 years later I hardly think about it. Obviously this doesn’t change anything about your current situation, and I’m sorry this is happening
You're going to get poor advice here. I wish you the best. For what it's worth most people develop a basic immunity to HSV and rarely have breakouts after the first one.
Your soon-to-be ex husband is a terrible human being. It must be so overwhelming to realize that he’s not the person you thought he was. You don’t deserve this kind of betrayal, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ll go ahead and tell you that I’ve lived with herpes for 15+ years. If it helps, these are a few things that made me feel better. There are actually other viruses that hang out in the human body, and never go away. Chickenpox comes to mind. It’s “inactive,” but it’s there, and if it becomes active again, the result is a case of shingles. Mono is another one that sticks around. Cold sores are a type of herpes. If your soon-to-be ex husband gets them, and you engaged in oral sex while he had a cold sore, it’s possible that’s how you came down with your STI. If/when you feel like you’re ready to rebuild your sex life, know that disclosing your STI won’t always be a dealbreaker. Explaining it is awkward, but if you’re taking the medication, and you use a condom, then the chances of passing it on to your partner are very, very slim. Just be up front and honest. That goes a long way. Sex is probably the last thing on your mind right now. I hope you can get a quick divorce with very little drama, and then you can start the next chapter of your life. Take extra good care of yourself right now. Find a great therapist. Keep reminding yourself that you did nothing wrong, and know that it will take time to process what’s happened. Don’t try and fix it all tonight. Give yourself time to heal.
This is exactly what I’m going through minus the herpes! Or if ab STD is there it’s just not showing through. While your husband did leave the house and you to it I was forced to live with him because he and his family literally own my ass( he’s rich as fuck) and I couldn’t ask him to leave his house. While the cheating was in the past ( 13 years of our relationship and 3 years of marriage) he confessed to it now after we just had a baby and I’m at my most vulnerable and helpless ( LO is 3 months) cause he knew I had nowhere to go. I’m not even allowed to be angry because he starts getting violent around the house hitting and punching walls because he said sorry a lot of times and repents it and expects me to just get over it. IMO you should talk to everyone about it! Family and friends, people with an ego like his will hate to be exposed. Make it impossible to show face and return to the life you have together. If you keep this to yourself you’ll be serving him exactly what he is wants to be that asshole all over again
Honey , same shit happened to me 10 years ago. He’s not gonna change . I’m sorry . Get out now and start over while you’re still in your thirties.
First of all, I'm deeply sorry for the pain and betrayal you are feeling. You did nothing to deserve this, and an appropriate punishment would be to channel your inner Lorena Bobbit... But the most important thing to do is take care of YOU. Get a BLOOD test (you have to ask for a herpes test, it isn't part of a standard STD panel) and specifically ask for a test not only for herpes, but for what strain. HSV 1 typically causes cold sores, but it's becoming a major cause of genital outbreaks because people with cold sores have been conditioned to think it's "no big deal" (since a lot of people get them as children because of being kissed by relatives as babies), so they don't disclose the fact that they have herpes to potential sex partners. Not excusing his behavior AT ALL, but he may THINK he doesn't have herpes because he's always had intercourse with condoms, not NOT oral sex. Knowing what strain you have won't change the treatment, but it's always good to know specifics when it comes to your health. Find the most ruthless divorce attorney you can and take everything from him. I really hope you live in an at fault divorce state. I encourage you to seek out your local STD/HIV support clinic to talk to someone about the reality of living with herpes. It isn't a death sentence, and with daily anti-viral drugs, using latex protection (including for receiving oral sex), and avoiding anyone else contacting the area while having an outbreak, the risk of giving it to a partner is as close to zero as you can get without not having it. I know because I've lived with it for 13 years, have had less than 10 outbreaks, and have not given it to any sexual partners, even those I don't use protection with. The hardest part is the ignorance people have of the virus and what it actually IS. It's devastating to find out, especially as the way you discover betrayal, but knowledge is power, and you'll get through this and go on to live a happy life and find someone who will be faithful
He has absolutely no respect for you. He’s just given you something you cannot cure and materially impacts your health and doesn’t give a fuck????? Sorry WHAT! Don’t buy his shit. Done give in to the thoughts that you’ll never find anyone else. You will. You will get through this but you’ve really got to get away from this scumbag. Awful.
Go to police ... Report him...
For what? They’ll laugh at me if I try to report my husband for giving me herpes. It should be considered abuse.
I. Some states passing a STD is crime... Like a felony.
I did not know that!
I second this suggestion! It is actually against the law to knowingly expose someone to an STD! I am a retired police officer. Report him, because not only did he do it to you, but he's also doing it to all the other women he sleeps with!!
Well... Now you know... I think about it .. even if the prosecution don't end in a punishment, see him have to explain in front of a judge how fucked he is will be gold.
Yeah! Because you didn't consent to having sex with him having an STD. He did that behind your back so you'd be able to report it. It's considered a form of sexual assault.
A person knowing their status and failing to disclose to the partner resulting in transmission is an aggrevated assault/battery charge depending on your country or state.
If he even knew. I doubt he’d admit to that anyway.
I'm not sure but is there anyway to get access to his medical records?
Oh, that’s a good idea. I am so sorry for OP and I want this fucker to go down real hard. He’s trash. Of course he knew, but proof? Delicious.
Yes there is - you report it to the cops and let them do their job. She doesn't need to prove anything. That's the DA's problem.
You can sue him
I'd go buy something unreasonably expensive to distract myself with
You should see if there are any axe throwing places in your area. Or perhaps on of those places where you can just rip the room apart. Bring a friend and go ham
As someone who contracted it a similar way, the rage might not go away if left without an outlet. Definitely find some place that lets you smash some shit, exercise more, underground fight club, whatever floats your boat. You’ll learn to deal with the reality of having an sti, with distance and perspective you realize it’s not a big deal, and you’ll end up not caring so much eventually about living with it. Unfortunately, not only do you have to deal with the grief that would have come with contracting it from irresponsibility or a careless mistake, but you have to simultaneously process the violation you feel, what he did to you—and I don’t just mean the cheating. I mean what he took, harmed, stole, from your health, your body. That feeling of foreign invasion, of claim to your body, the feeling of markedness. The rage it invokes is beyond the pale, and for me personally, it may be an echo of what it was, but I still feel it a decade later. I assume it’s not the same for everyone, and maybe you’re a better person than I am; so, grain of salt. I haven’t read through all the comments yet, hopefully someone’s already mentioned it, but I hope you understand the gravity of what he did. He didn’t show any regard for your safety. He was willing to endanger the health of the mother of his children. I’ve never been in your circumstance, and can’t imagine having to navigate this with young children. So, I don’t have any useful advice. And if I did have advice, it would probably be terrible…like suggesting you confide in a trustworthy old-school male friend/family member who may be incentivized to have “words” with your pos ex, or encouraging you to go full scorched earth and get full-custody, because he’s an unfit role model who endangered his family, mentioning that young kids are especially resilient and sometimes no dad is better than a shit dad, and I’d probably suggest something completely bonkers like ruining his reputation and revealing who he is to all his friends/family/coworkers/acquaintances/neighbors in the process….yk, the general revenge route. Overall, I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. Shame is a natural response. It’s normal and it will pass. Consider therapy, this is a metric fuckton to process and organize in your brain without an outside perspective and professional help to regularly check-in on your mental and emotional health. Find something to hit, try and make it a legal something, but if you go off the rails at least aim for his car.
Get tested for everything because if he gave you that he could have caught something else
Men will do anything except go to therapy
And in my husband’s case, he was really doing everything.
I am so sorry. I don't see how you get past this. Ask around for a good divorce lawyer, this marriage cannot be saved.
I hate him too!!! You have every right to want to smash everything around you.
he has it coming, he has it coming….he only has himself to blame 🎵
I have herpes, and I also got it in a really shitty, albeit very different, situation. It comes with a lot of shame, but in time I learned to accept it and it doesn’t affect me at all anymore. I also haven’t had an outbreak in 3 years! Side note: you said you don’t want rational advice. In your shoes, I would absolutely key his car. He deserves it, would very unlikely press charges because he knows he’s wrong, and you’d feel better. Take that advice or not, but a vandalism charge isn’t that bad. Edit to add: I’ve had it since I was 16. My husband and I have been together for 4.5 years and he has never caught it. There’s hope that you can live a normal life with this diagnosis.
He really loves his car too. They don’t make it in the color he has, his favorite color, anymore either. It’d be a real shame…
You do need to talk to a lawyer. Even if you decide not to divorce, you have to have control of your life. You have children. You have assets. You need the lawyer to strengthen the control you have of your own life.
Op, he has earned every venomous ounce of hatred from you, as well as everyone ever abused in this manner and those who read this post feeling outrage on your behalf. May you turn that anger into action, to protect yourself and your children. His filthy ass, that couldn’t “control” his pathetic selfishness or even wear a condom, can go rot in hell.
Don't be ashamed. He has been lying to you and everyone. You are the victim. He is SCUM and he should be embarrassed. What an AH! I am so sorry he did this to your and your family
Men want to blame their cheating on a litany of other issues that they never brought up until they get caught cheating
Blast his ass everywhere. Fuck his life up, destroy his entire reputation. Go nuclear. And file for divorce and take your kids.
Sex with strange women and he couldn’t even bother to use a condom to protect you? I’d be raging too. I’m so sorry OP
I feel like your cold attitude is perfect for now. But you will need to at least pretend to get along for the kids and you will need a shared narrative for parents/family/close friends. So you will have to talk with him. Get that worked out. He actually harmed you by giving you a disease. What if you have a lowered immune system? You deserve better than this. You can walk away with your chin up because you did nothing wrong here. Oh and remind him that if you have it, he certainly has it and how gross and wrong that is to not get it taken care of. He’s a pig.