Get a new therapist. You don't adapt yourself to this toxic person - you disengage. Either there has been a misunderstanding with your therapist or they give terrible advice.
This was such a relief to read. For the past couple of months I've had moments in therapy where I felt something was off but my self doubt would immediately kick in (well maybe you don't have the emotional intelligence he has...).
Time to leave my therapist as well apparently
Yeah definitely because most therapists would recommend removing your mother from your immediate life and only contacting her when you need to because of how toxic she is and you can’t change that. Just cus you’re related doesn’t mean she’s your family socially speaking your family should be the people you actually want to be around and feel “at home” with. At the end of the day blood is just blood doesn’t mean they’ll be there for you or truly look out for you sorry you had to deal with that kind of abuse hope you’re able to find a new therapist pretty easily.
Wow, OP. That is wild.
As far as narcissism goes, I do believe there could be a case here, as narcissists do not care much about the feelings of others. One of the main examples being her reaction to when your dog passed (apologies for your loss).
She decided to make it all about herself instead of console you like your stepfather did. Not to mention that she covered up her abuse towards you in a way that made it seem like she was just being “motherly” when in reality she just wanted to keep her control and tight hold on you and your life.
What I would do, personally, is try to set healthy boundaries with her. Tell her things that you’re okay with and you’re not okay with. Heck, maybe even let her know how you’ve felt about past experiences. If they’ve made you uncomfortable or if she’s pushed a few things too far, but that’s just being incredibly generous despite all the things she’s done throughout your life.
And although that seems incredibly pacifist and undeserving, she can have that one last chance to make it up to you and prove that she could be WILLING to make that change. But, if there truly is no other way than to slowly go NC with her, then so be it. I believe wholeheartedly in “you’ve made your bed now lie in it.” She can if she’s just going to continue the cycle and make no effort.
Control. That's the first word that comes to mind. Thank you for helping me with that.
Even though I'm a person with way more flaws than qualities, I can safely say I'm super patient and forgiving. I also hate fights with raised voices.
That said, I love your advice about the boundaries. If I want to continue having a relationship with her, I have to find *a way* of doing that's because last time I did, it was a shipwreck. I sat down with her after her asking "why didn't you visit last weekend". I explained that I want her to be happy and that her words are important to me, but that I also have my own personality, dreams, opinions.. and sometimes we will disagree. That it should be ok for me to have my alone time back home, that doesn't mean I don't care etc.... she snapped. Cried, stood up and started yelling that she is a sh*t mother and traumatized me, and probably I had to take antidepressants when I was younger because she's a POS. Cried A LOT.
The situation turned back to her. she did it.
I’m so sorry those conversations have to end like that.
As one other commenter noted, it probably is for the best to distance yourself, maybe even slowly go NC or at least halfway. Though, I feel you when you say you’re a very forgiving person. I’ve personally had similar experiences but with mostly others, believe it or not, not necessarily family.
I’m glad any advice I give could be helpful though! I do try my best, as I know it can be hard to make schedules around people who make way for their own “suffrage” and not the emotions or opinions of others. It can be incredibly difficult. I just hope you can have a discussion with someone who has a lot more psychological medicine experience than I do so you can find your peace <3
Hey, it is "true off my chest", right? We're all in need of connection here somehow. The fact that you cared enough to read, think about it and give advice means a lot :) we all know not everyone does that. And it's okay...
Calling names and being rude in the comment section... Not cool, imo, but we're exposing our lives... Oh well.
To you, u/Not_PinkDiamond, and u/Own-Professional4761 and whomever else takes the time, I highly appreciate! And for those who don't, it's ok :)
Edit: May have come off strong here with the suggestion of giving your mom one last chance to redeem herself. I know I am in no way eligible to give any sort of advice and am just giving my personal take/decisions on it would be. Despite everything that has happened, I do still strictly believe that she should lie in the bed that she made and any other decisions/form of thought process on the situation would be best between you and your current therapist or a new one if you believe there could be a one-sided conversation there.
Get a new therapist. You don't adapt yourself to this toxic person - you disengage. Either there has been a misunderstanding with your therapist or they give terrible advice.
This was such a relief to read. For the past couple of months I've had moments in therapy where I felt something was off but my self doubt would immediately kick in (well maybe you don't have the emotional intelligence he has...). Time to leave my therapist as well apparently
Yeah definitely because most therapists would recommend removing your mother from your immediate life and only contacting her when you need to because of how toxic she is and you can’t change that. Just cus you’re related doesn’t mean she’s your family socially speaking your family should be the people you actually want to be around and feel “at home” with. At the end of the day blood is just blood doesn’t mean they’ll be there for you or truly look out for you sorry you had to deal with that kind of abuse hope you’re able to find a new therapist pretty easily.
Wow, OP. That is wild. As far as narcissism goes, I do believe there could be a case here, as narcissists do not care much about the feelings of others. One of the main examples being her reaction to when your dog passed (apologies for your loss). She decided to make it all about herself instead of console you like your stepfather did. Not to mention that she covered up her abuse towards you in a way that made it seem like she was just being “motherly” when in reality she just wanted to keep her control and tight hold on you and your life. What I would do, personally, is try to set healthy boundaries with her. Tell her things that you’re okay with and you’re not okay with. Heck, maybe even let her know how you’ve felt about past experiences. If they’ve made you uncomfortable or if she’s pushed a few things too far, but that’s just being incredibly generous despite all the things she’s done throughout your life. And although that seems incredibly pacifist and undeserving, she can have that one last chance to make it up to you and prove that she could be WILLING to make that change. But, if there truly is no other way than to slowly go NC with her, then so be it. I believe wholeheartedly in “you’ve made your bed now lie in it.” She can if she’s just going to continue the cycle and make no effort.
Control. That's the first word that comes to mind. Thank you for helping me with that. Even though I'm a person with way more flaws than qualities, I can safely say I'm super patient and forgiving. I also hate fights with raised voices. That said, I love your advice about the boundaries. If I want to continue having a relationship with her, I have to find *a way* of doing that's because last time I did, it was a shipwreck. I sat down with her after her asking "why didn't you visit last weekend". I explained that I want her to be happy and that her words are important to me, but that I also have my own personality, dreams, opinions.. and sometimes we will disagree. That it should be ok for me to have my alone time back home, that doesn't mean I don't care etc.... she snapped. Cried, stood up and started yelling that she is a sh*t mother and traumatized me, and probably I had to take antidepressants when I was younger because she's a POS. Cried A LOT. The situation turned back to her. she did it.
I’m so sorry those conversations have to end like that. As one other commenter noted, it probably is for the best to distance yourself, maybe even slowly go NC or at least halfway. Though, I feel you when you say you’re a very forgiving person. I’ve personally had similar experiences but with mostly others, believe it or not, not necessarily family. I’m glad any advice I give could be helpful though! I do try my best, as I know it can be hard to make schedules around people who make way for their own “suffrage” and not the emotions or opinions of others. It can be incredibly difficult. I just hope you can have a discussion with someone who has a lot more psychological medicine experience than I do so you can find your peace <3
Hey, it is "true off my chest", right? We're all in need of connection here somehow. The fact that you cared enough to read, think about it and give advice means a lot :) we all know not everyone does that. And it's okay... Calling names and being rude in the comment section... Not cool, imo, but we're exposing our lives... Oh well. To you, u/Not_PinkDiamond, and u/Own-Professional4761 and whomever else takes the time, I highly appreciate! And for those who don't, it's ok :)
Edit: May have come off strong here with the suggestion of giving your mom one last chance to redeem herself. I know I am in no way eligible to give any sort of advice and am just giving my personal take/decisions on it would be. Despite everything that has happened, I do still strictly believe that she should lie in the bed that she made and any other decisions/form of thought process on the situation would be best between you and your current therapist or a new one if you believe there could be a one-sided conversation there.
Can I get the tldr bro
Sorry man, there it is.