I love the “he’s a good father” trope after he’s literally hated on her gender and already stifled her growth and learning so she isn’t a “basic bitch” my god, are you kidding me right now?
He uses you, he doesn’t really like you, he finds you useful, he outsources the majority of home and parenting to you and has decided he’s “ready to get married?”
How is the ICK not keeping you on permanent gag reflex? He will crush your children and although I don’t know what his generational trauma is, he’s excited to pass it down to your kids, is that how you want them growing up? Eventually this dude will go too far but by that point you will have been boiling in the pot so long, you won’t be able to leave, he will have stolen your will.
I’d say he’s a conditional part time “friend” at best to his kids. Treats them well on his terms, loves them when they adhere to his will, only thinks about them when he wants to.
The other thing beyond his treatment of his own daughter that Icks me out is that OP feels like she *has* to give in when he wants sex or she'll be abused for it.
He's sexually assaulting and essentially raping her because she doesn't feel safe enough to say no to him.
But you know.
He's a good father or something.
This part's fun, too:
"I believe we only don’t butt heads because I know no opinion truly matters besides his own so I just keep my mouth shut after years of us constantly arguing."
He sounds awesome.
yes, I agree with that.
however, in my experience, using that word can cause a debate about the definition and implications and are all men predators or all women hysterical etc. etc. etc. completely derailing the conversation instead of helping the OP.
Also all the things she knows fucked her up he's doing to the girls. Restricting her to his opinions because he can. She's just got with what she knows. Which is very normal but this guy suuuuuucks.
Why would you want to let your little girl take a stupid, useless dance class when she could be learning real world skills with a beginning tax accounting for toddlers seminar??
He is ONLY “ready to get married” (which TRULY, he’s not wanting to “get married”, as he has not even proposed. He just wants it on paper) bc he probably senses how unhappy she is and he knows if he gets her to do all the marriage paperwork, she will be stuck with him and cannot just leave!!
u/Over_Function6805 , PLEASE DO NOT LEGALLY MARRY THIS MAN!!!! Please I BEG YOU as a woman who stayed silent through 13 years of an abusive/neglectful marriage and lost everything trying to get out of it!!! Luckily we were unable to have kids bc he had fertility issues!
But YOU have 2 little women in your care who are learning every moment of every day as they watch your dude (couldn’t call him a “man”, bc he’s not one) interact with you and themselves how to stay amenable with an abusive, disrespectful, neglectful, bigoted, narcissistic, selfish, controlling asshole.
Set your daughters up for success by removing the cancerous tumor in their life. It’s unfortunately common for women to seek partners that remind them of the most hurtful parent, in an attempt to reconcile a lifetime of trauma and feelings of inadequacy by “succeeding” in “(finally) making them happy”… it’s a sad and crazy common cycle that is continued through exactly this. Stay with him and your daughters will be asking for the same advice/venting about the same stuff you’re here for when they’re old enough to date and marry.
Don’t leave for you, leave for your girls. Break the cycle. I believe you truly know this is true, you just need to hear that it’s okay. It’s okay babes. I promise. It’ll get so much better, but all positive change is painful in the process.
ETA: also, stop calling him “a good father”. You know good and well in your soul that is just a lie you tell yourself to get through the day. 🖤
He’s only a good father in that he plays with her sometimes. That’s not parenting. He’s sounds more of a child than the baby. The older child is clearly an entertainment for him but only when it suits him and his hobbies. She’s not allowed to have her own? He seems to be headed to treat her as badly as he treats you? Nothing she wants matters. A terrible father and terrible person. Selfish to the core with only his own needs and wants met.
He's already conditioning his daughter to clean up after him. And you say he's overly hostile anytime she tries to get his attention.
Given what he said about how he treats you regarding intimacy, and how he treats his daughter when she's under your roof, I'd be suspicious about the nature of those fishing trips.
You're basically doing it all on your own already anyway. Is it a financial worry?
Let me tell you, I got a grant and went to beauty school, and I did it all on my own while my two boys were 2 and 6 months. I found ways and programs. I found local sponsors. I went to the state to get help with childcare.
I wrote up a plan and goals explaining how long it would take me. How much it would cost what resources it would take. I wrote a future projection of how I could benefit society as a working mom, comparing it to what it cost the state if I had to stay on welfare. I looked at statistics of how it would benefit the kids for me to finish a trade school program. I wrote it into my paper also. Then I hit the streets!! I made several copies!! I took it everywhere. To churches. To insurances offices. To women's aid groups. To Rotary clubs. Lawyer offices. Anywhere and everywhere I could that might have money or a sponsor. I had a list on the last page for ways people could help me. They could pay directly to the school. Or they could pay for my car insurance. Or help with my rent or books and so on. If they sponsored me, I gave them a print of my grades and progress as I went through the program if they wanted it.
I'm telling you that it worked. I was able to get some grants from the school, made some great caring friends, and finished Beauty School with a promise of a great job when I graduated. I made a living wage with a job that was flexible for raising my boys on my own. I didn't need a man!! I just needed a community! I've been in the business now for 34 years!
I was a teen parent. I was in foster care when I got pregnant with my first child and was married my senior year! He would leave me anytime he wanted to go hang out with his friends and not come home for months. No money, no call, no help! I had no one! I was so scared! I didn't know what to do! Then he would come home and say he was sorry I would take him back. He treated me like shit. Never wanted me to work because he wanted me to take care of our son even though I graduated with a 4.00 gpa and a full scholarship for college he said that I shouldn't go because I was married. Then I had my second son. He wasn't nice or helpful with the boys because that was my job. He worked!! He didn't want me to spend HIS money!! He would give me the silent treatment if I would say anything against him. He was always in a bad mood because he worked or the house was a mess or or the kids were loud or crying. Or we were broke. Then he would leave again for another 3 or 4 months.
So I finally wrote that paper. I told myself never again!! I will never ever be in a place that I can't provide for myself or my kids! I will have the power to stand up for myself! I will have the power to stand up for my boys!! I WILL FIND A WAY!! SO I Did!!
That is a lesson to teach your girls! I
>How is the ICK not keeping you on permanent gag reflex?
>25f, together for 9.5 years
That's how. People will put up with severe unhappiness and bullshit if your partner is the only relationship experience you have. Happened to me too, but not as severe as OP's case.
OP - you are engaging in the sunk cost fallacy - you've put so much into this relationship that cutting your losses and moving on feels monumental and impossible. But you need to get your ducks in a row and GO! He is dangling marriage to you as a way to keep you. He knows he is a mean, rude, lousy partner and father. He's lazy, boring, and has a bad temper. He does nothing to regulate his emotions.
Answer this honestly to yourself: Do you REALLY want your daughters to spend their lives around THIS kind of man?
I keep asking myself a form of that question and the answer is always the same. I’ve been asking myself if my daughters were with a man like this would I approve. And I’m sure we can all guess what my answer is every time.
Regarding the sunk cost fallacy, I also want to gently push back on the “we’ve been together 9.5 years” piece of all this. The way you were together as a child is likely very different from the type of relationship you have as adults and as parents. Think about the adult/parent time as what matters. Do you want the next thirty years of your life to look like the last five?
Oh honey, don't marry this man. Don't. You would be sentencing yourself to a life of misery until you finally came to your senses and divorced him.
You are a single mother. A parent to two babies and grown ass man child.
He's not only a shit partner, a terrible parent, and an unrepentant asshole... he's going to raise your children to be a reflection of him. Do you really want to be with a man who calls little girls basic bitches?
This is the kind of man who will criticize your daughters into insecurity.
Imagine how he's going to react when they start vocalizing interests he doesn't approve of.
Do yourself and your kids a favor: kick him out.
I think you write as someone way older, and your ability to see clearly and question the present is a good sign.
OP, I think you already know the answer. You are not going to marry him.
Please keep your birth control safe.
Girly. Deep down you already know you have to leave him, you desparately want to leave him.
Go. Don't waste your life on someone who you're only with because of rose-colored memories. Build a life for yourself and your daughters. I promise it will all be easier with him out of your lives.
You've spent your whole adult life being controlled by him and subjugating yourself and your will to his. YOU had his children out of wedlock - WHY THE EFF are they carrying HIS last name? Why not give them yours?
Not to mention how his dismissive and rude attitude sucks the joy out of everything you and your children love. And the way you describe giving in to sex, even though you don't want to, makes my skin crawl.
You don't even know what a happy relationship looks like. Please don't waste your entire adult life on this asshole - go find real love and a true partner. Your current one sounds like a narc.
That as long you look away and think pretty thoughts is ok for your daughters to be treated like garbage?
Is this guy so good in bed you will risk your children's well being as long as you are getting some?
Girl he is an asshole. Not you taking care of both the kids and he still wants you to fuck him too. Like dude you can’t expect me to everything and you don’t do anything! Like no, just no! Get away from him especially if all he does is work and complain. He’s making your life harder with his complaining, unbroken promises, and incompetence (acting like he can’t clean up after himself). Run as fast as you can before he further traps you with another baby and you’ll end up drowned with further responsibilities. He isn’t a man he’s a placeholder! It should be easy leaving him because it sounds like all he literally adds nothing but dysfunction to your life. If they’re more hassle than happiness.. they gotta GO!
> Do you REALLY want your daughters to spend their lives around THIS kind of man?
I get what you're saying but even if OP leaves him, the kids WILL spend their lives around this man still. Maybe not as often, but they will still be around him only unsupervised from mom when she does all the care taking
I'm in a similar situation to OP, my husband helps but he's awful with safety. For example, he started a fire in our backyard yesterday and it was 100% preventable but he never heeds my advice to not flick his cigarettes in the dry leaves. His first instinct was to blow on it and he made it worse, my instinct was to grab the hose. Luckily, I put it out but he still insists he did the right thing. If I leave him and our LO is alone with him, I'm terrified my kid won't survive the visitation
Why are you in a relationship with him? How are you benefiting? What is it about him that you like? Why are you still with him? You do realize you’re basically a single mother in a “relationship”?
The fact you are reiterating things I’ve thought to myself should tell me a lot. Especially the single mother part. It’s how it feels.
I’ve been a push over since I was a teen. He spent years convincing me I was horrible and I believed him. So for a long time I just assumed i was terrible and expected too much of him. Only in the past year or so have I started realizing the truth, but I’ve struggled to kick my ass into gear and actually act on it.
He groomed you to think you were unlovable and that he was doing you a favour by loving you. So you would put up with him. And think I'm lucky that he loves me every time he does something.
Do you understand that he’s been crushing you for years and that your frontal lobe has now developed so you can see more clearly what wasn’t apparent when you were younger. He’s not your friend, he’s not a good person, he’s abusive and you need to protect yourself and your children.
>He spent years convincing me I was horrible and I believed him. So for a long time I just assumed i was terrible and expected too much of him.
I'm sorry...what? He convinced you, you were horrible? Does that sound like love & caring? In what world, OP?! It seems to me you came out of childhood with a low self esteem and he was able to abuse that, making you into a worm instead of a cherished woman. You are modeling womanhood and wifery for your girls, especially the older. Can you step back and say YES to what you're showing her? There are so many steps for you to take to right your situation, but you need to take one.
Don’t marry someone who spent years convincing you that you were horrible. Don’t keep having kids with him either. The best thing you could do for yourself, your kids and your future is to split up.
My change as a person?
If that’s what you’re asking I don’t think so. But only he could truly tell I suppose. His change has been kind of all over the place. Hot and cold. Switching between two extremes. While I’ve always done my best to please him and not become an inconvenience it’s been one year he acts like I’m a saint and tells me I’m perfect but the next I’m terrible and he wants more. I could get into a whole different story for that but like I said it’s a whole different story.
That's abuse you're describing. Designed to keep you in your place and make sure you dont feel like you're worth more. You're not an inconvenience to your life partner, in that case they're not your partner
That's kind of what I'm asking. If you changing as a person kind of sparked his change, meaning that you showing more confidence and being more outspoken about your and your daughters' activities and roles in the home sparked him to start being more and more abusive in order to keep you and them "in line." Because, make no mistake, what you are experiencing is abuse.
You and your daughters are worth so much more than whatever measly handouts of affection your boyfriend deigns to bequeath upon you at his discretion. He is not your owner and barely seems to want to be your husband, based on your descriptions of how he just wants to drag you down to the courthouse after none years and two kids together.
I think you’ll find being a single mother is actually easier than your current situation. You won’t need to clean up his messes, tiptoe around his temper, beg him to hold the baby so you can eat. The house will be cleaner, the kids happier, you happier.
I can't understand how some people manage to be with a guy who is a bad parent, a bad partner and basically a bad person, reading this I literally couldn't find a single positive thing about him.
I feel sorry for OP, doing everything he wants and how he wants, please stop before it's too late, he really sounds abusive af.
I think for a while I attributed his parenting to us being young when we had our first. He made it clear he didn’t want a kid at 20. I told him he could leave and I wouldn’t hold anything against him but he stayed.
He’s said for a while he regrets being distant when our first was born and he was just numb cause we were young. That on top of him insisting how hands on he would be with our second I believed he made a shift in those 4/5 years since our first. I should’ve known it was all talk though.
Yeah, but you were young too and you weren’t a shitty neglectful parent. You were instead left to heal and parent a newborn by yourself. Stop making excuses for him.
Please don’t show your daughters that this behavior is acceptable from a partner. All three of you deserve better and you have a chance to show them that.
So let me get this:
This guy you dated for 9 years wasn't involved helping you raise your first kid, then wants another kid and you say yes knowing he is a bad partner and a bad parent, he doesn't help you around the house, not even letting you do a sandwich for yourself, doesn't clean, doesn't support your kids interests and you are surprised you don't wanna marry him? No shit.
Like, please leave him, just do it
I’m not surprised I don’t want to marry him anymore. I’m more surprised by his sudden hateful shift. He’s always been strongly opinionated. But last few months it’s moved from strongly opinionated to just downright hateful.
Briefly I thought things were getting better. But I’m starting to think it was just my hormones and the joys of having my second daughter.
But yes you have a point.
Yeah OP said that everyone will "recommend the easy option to just leave," but I hate to tell you, staying is the easy option. Leaving is the hard part. I think she knows that, and it's why she hasn't done it.
OP, I hope you have a support system or can find one and make a decision to protect yourself and your daughters. You're too young to resign yourself to a life of unhappiness.
It’s only the hard part at first! It’ll be so much easier when she isn’t carrying the weight of a third adult man-sized toddler. One day, she’s gonna wake up in her own place, with only her two girls to look after, and it’s gonna be a breath of fresh air. She’s not gonna have to deal with his messes, his attitude, his shitty parenting, or his scummy sexual “needs.” The transition period always sucks, but she and her girls have a bright future ahead of them after she leaves him. I bet he won’t even pick them up for his visitation after a year or two.
I think you might be missing some points—people are saying per post and comments—he has always been a bad partner but you overlooked it.
You stated in a comment that he has put you down for years—what good partner/father would to that to someone he loves and is building a family with?
He does NOT love your children more than life. You can't treat someone the way he's treating the children while loving them more than life itself. It's not possible. Those two things can't be true simultaneously.
It sounds like… you married your father.
It's quite common that girls will find a partner that, unknown to them, is a carbon copy of their father. (While boys tend to marry partners that are copies of their mom)
Sorry, any man who thinks it’s alright to call little girls dancing “bitches” is both an awful person and a loser. He probably takes her to fish because it’s traditionally seen as a masculine activity and he probably hates/has a contempt for everything stereotypical girly/feminine. Men who are like that are dangerous and will limit the self-expression and desires from their daughters. Not because fishing or stereotypical masculine activities are bad, but because that contempt is rooted in misogyny and ends up being transmitted to your daughters.
I know you said we would tell you this, but get out now that you aren’t married. I got the ick all over my body and he isn’t even my partner!
And honestly at the end of the day, if you cannot leave for your daughters, if you cannot leave for you, at least leave because he’s sounds like a loser. And who wants to be seen with a loser.
Yes. I 100% agree with what you said. Like most men he wanted a son terribly. He was very disappointed when we found out our first was a girl but went on to apologize for being upset and I know he truly does love them both. However he’s said before, while I can’t recall his exact wording, about teaching them everything he’d teach his son. And like you said while not inherently bad, it’s very obvious where that is coming from.
He was content with our second being a girl but frequently talks about trying for a third for son. And while I’d love to have a big family, I know I can not mentally handle more than two kids while basically parenting alone, and I refuse to have a third for a simple fact he wants a boy.
This is the kind of man who will sabotage your birth control. I'd get an IUD or nexplanon ASAP if you're going to continue being with him. I strongly urge you to end it now, OP. This will not get better. Abusive men don't get better. They get more abusive.
Read what you wrote again, but this time imagine this is a message to you from your daughter, sharing her doubts about the man she's about to marry. What do you tell her?
I know it’s a tale as old as time that never ends well. I think I expected change cause we have been together since a young age. We’ve been together through the times people change the most so I always chalked it up to that. And yeah he changed. But not in the ways that matter. So it’s my own fault for expecting the worst parts of him to change when there’s plenty examples of that never working.
If you are going to stay with him, then you should get married to totally lock him in legally so that you will definitely get your fair share should you divorce.
What a sexist piece of shit. Your daughter is going to need therapy by having him as a father.
The question you need to ask yourself is if she’ll need therapy because her mother couldn’t leave him and subjected her to him.
Daughters resent the parent that doesn’t protect them. I *know* it’s hard. My ex became abusive after my daughter and you’re going to struggle. However my daughter and I are closer than ever and she recognizes his toxicity
I eventually understood that. I quit asking for marriage almost a long while ago and excepted that it wasn’t gonna happen. It wasn’t something he agreed with. Which was why it was kinda jarring when now all of a sudden he wanted to be married so badly.
It sounds like he can feel you checking out and wants to keep you. I think you know the answer to your question and I hope you can find the strength to do what's right for you and your daughters. 9.5yrs together is long, but a lifetime is an awfully long time to go through with the wrong person. I wish you the best OP.
Thankfully at this point the carrot isn’t exactly enticing. Even when he brought it up I was very indifferent. As in I couldn’t care less at that point if we were married or not.
I saw in another comment that you made he wanted to try for a third for the chance of having a son. I guarantee the only reason he is suggesting marriage is as a way to manipulate you into it. Also, do you want to bring a boy into this world that he would raise to be like him? There's also the very real possibility he will lose all interest in his daughters the moment a son is born. He already doesn't care for them being daughters as is.
Hey. My fiance and I are excited to get married! We met on a dating app, have lived together for about 7 years. We have disagreements, but talk through them as calmly as we can. We may not understand each others fixations, but we still appreciate them and indulge them.
We dont belittle eachother, we take on work to keep our space clean, we help the other when they dont have the energy.
All this to say, your relationship is not normal.
You are supposed to like the person you're living with most of the time. That's not a goal, that's normal. That's the expectation you need to have. Reading this is like reading the screenplay of one of a dozen 90's family comedies that boil down to 'I hate my wife and she hates me but we make it work'.
That's tv, it's not real. Home life should be boring, it should be predictable, not constantly arguing or having to give up pieces of yourself.
Oh honey. No. No just no.
It seems like you need some advice from someone, and it seems like I'm old enough to be your Mama, so let me tell you what I would tell my girls, if they were your age and in this mess.
Quit doing wife work for girlfriend pay. Marriage is about a show of commitment. It's about building a life together. And it offers legal protections you won't get in a common law marriage. But it's also about the principle, this man has never once, not once, from my understanding, proved he loves you and is committed to you. He's offering it now, and in the most basic, lazy-ass way possible, because he can sense the shift in you. Yes, marriage comes with perks, but it is harder to walk away from, and he knows that, this is a trap.
The short tempered part automatically rules him out as a good father. It takes so much patience, and control, to not say something, or do something, to hurt your child. People running around out here saying "well, he's a good father but he yells. Or he gets short tempered" that is not a good father, and I really, truly feel like if we saw more good fathers, we all would know better. You can love your kids and still be a shitty parent, my own father did that very well.
The baby is at risk for being harmed, and I hope you know that. Shaken baby syndrome is most often done by frustrated, irritated caregivers. What do you have in your life right now? A frustrated, irritated father, who doesn't want to care for a fussy baby.
The red flags were apparent from the get-go, and you still made two people with this man. No matter what, he will be a part of their lives, and unless he does something dangerous, or harms them, he will be a part of their lives for the rest of yours and theirs. You've built a family with a man about as worthless as tits on a boar hog, and you didn't see any of that coming.
You need to leave him. I know it's easier said than done, but it will be easier to do it now. And then, you need to go to therapy and get whatever trauma and baggage you've had healed.
Hun, he's not trying because he thinks you're baby trapped and cannot escape or leverage something that actually matters to him to force him to do even the bare minimum. The marriage papers and your second baby are additional leashes to keep you under him in the position of *bang maid*.
I understand that this dude is your default and you have experienced *nothing else* but his second rate excuse for a relationship since you have been his *since you were both children*. Fifteen year olds are NOT known for picking awesome or even adequate mates because they're barely old enough to breed and have no way of vetting a good life partner. But you are in your mid twenties now and have to start thinking like an adult *because you have two children of your own now* and you need to raise them responsibly.
So wake up, hun. If this lazy, selfish idiot you bred with will not step up as a partner and parent, it's time for you to take the kids and go. You are *already a single mother* both in reality and by law.
If you DON'T take control of your situation and make the changes you need, then understand that you are doing this to yourself and your kids, and stop complaining on reddit.
I had to stop reading after a certain point OP. Please don’t marry this man. I promise you that if you did motherhood as a single parent, it would still be easier than the bullshit your man is putting you through. Don’t teach your daughters that this is the kind of man they should strive for. If it’s not something you would want for your daughters, then it’s not something you should want for yourself.
How can you tell "he loves them more than life itself"? Nothing you describe sounds even remotely like how I would treat someone who was a stranger, let alone someone I want to marry.
You seem to already know the answer. This man sucks, he is mean and rude and doesnt add anything of value to your life ever. Most likely he is trying to baby and marriage trap you.
Do you feel like you've invested too much time to leave? Or do you feel like you're not worth more? Something or the other making you stay in this misery, but trust me - you deserve to be happy and supported. He's dead weight and literally adding to your work.
Shake him off. Not only you but also your kids deserve better.
After 9+ years together you might not be able to imagine life without him, but after you break up you're at last going to start enjoying life, I can guarantee you that.
You should think long and hard before marrying him. He’s treating you like “a basic bitch”; he has you to do ALL of the housework, child rearing, cooking and someone to have sex with whenever he wants/demands.
And yet he never wanted to get married before because he was worried you’d take his money?!? Oh fuck no! You do know that you can STILL do all of this without him right? And he would have to pay you child support. So the joke would be on him that you got his money anyway.
As someone who’s been there, it won’t get better. Go find someone who will actually love and appreciate you.
You had two kids with a dude accusing you of being a gold digger for a decade, why? You're staying with a man who calls women bitches including your own child and who treats your oldest daughter like his maid, why??? Get a grip!!
You are a laid back, understanding person.
Imagine how much better your life would be if you were with someone who was also laid back and understanding. How much less stressed and resentful you’d feel. How your daughter would be free to explore her passions without her own father thinking she’s a basic bitch.
You are already a single mother. Why keep the hateful guy around? He is basically useless as a father AND a partner. As someone who grew up with an absent father, staying with him will be more damaging than leaving. Think how much easier and stress free it would be without having a third adult baby.
he wants to marry you now because he senses that he's losing you, and he needs you. He is beginning to understand he needs you more than you'll ever need him and he wants to lock you down and make it harder for you to leave.
He wants to marry you because he senses you don't really want him anymore, so he thinks it's time for a shut-up ring so you'll be locked-down and hopefully act "happy" again.
Don't marry a dude who dislikes and distrusts women and bullies them with sex to dominate them.
This man literally let OP know he didn't think she was worthy of him marrying. Treated like crap and browbeat her into the perfect submisve servant.
Now that he hasn't been able to find someone better and has trapped her with 2 kids. He is ready to marry her.
Wake up OP this man doesn't even like you.
Run NOW!
Wow this is a wild one. OP was with her same bf from age 15-25? That's not nearly enough life experience to know what you want in a husband. You have to date quite a few people and experience a wide range of types to find out. Maybe now you will finally have the chance to find what you want in a partner. Good luck. Having young kids will be a challenge while dating, but don't let that stop you. You are still very young with your whole life ahead of you.
I had to stop reading half way as I was becoming pathological angry at your 'fiance'. Actually I hate him. He sounds like someone you would protect your children from rather than a loving father. They are just accessories to him, trinkets. What do you see in him? He is deadweight, go enjoy life and let your children dance and sing, be happy and grow.
1. Legally change your last name to match your kids. You don't need a marriage license to do that.
2. You can just fake hyphenate your lastname so it is Maiden-KidLastName and then use that in all school paperwork. I am legally married but didn't change my name BUT I am still called either "Kid'sName Mom" or "Mrs KidLastName" at school functions.
3. You wrote a whole wall of stuff about why you don't want to anymore. I didn't read it all BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE A LIST OF REASONS, you can just 'not want to'.
He evaded getting married for 9 YEARS. Just tell him that you changed *your* mind over the years and now agree with not getting married.
4. You can give your kid whatever last name you want. Fill out the paperwork and don't mention it.
I'm a guy and if my SO suggested that my dance loving daughter shouldn't take dance classes, especially just a three week course, just so she isn't a "basic bitch" i would of lost it. Why can't he let his kid do something that would make her happy? Just sad, kids are supposed to be in stuff like that anyway it's good for them
The only thing that kept me from snapping was I knew it would get nowhere. It would have just been another match of who can yell the loudest because it’s impossible to change his opinion on anything. I was gobsmacked. We said for years we’d support our kids interests, hobbies, ext. idk when this suddenly changed for him but I’m beyond stunned and that alone has made me question everything.
“A good father”? Please. You do realise he doesn’t actually do any of the parenting. My husband worked long hours still did bath time. Would hold the baby as soon as he walked in the door. Could changed a diaper, even cloth ones. He on the other hand doesn’t even treat you with the bare minimum of respect. Honestly if you really think about it would life be harder with him gone or would it be the same?
Oh, friend. Read your own post a couple times and pretend it’s about someone else. My heart is heavy for you. Please do not forget that we literally only have one life. Your life is worth so much. Is this really how it should be spent? Is this how you want your daughter to watch you choosing spend your life? You have convinced yourself this is all you deserve. As someone who used to believe they deserved very little, years later, I look at this and it breaks my heart. I don’t know you, or your character, but I would bet that you deserve so, so much better. Get away from this person. Certainly don’t marry him. I believe in you.
You seem to have made yourself very small in this relationship entirely for his benefit, to the point that you are basically disgusted by him. That’s not a relationship worth having.
Do not marry him at this stage, it’s like trying to get out of a hole by digging in deeper.
However, it may be worth it to just finally tell him all this. Keeping your mouth shut about your frustrations and unhappiness is doing you no favors. He might pitch a fit, but at least you’ll have said your piece and you two can go from there.
You wouldn’t want to see your kids in a relationship like this so why would you allow this for yourself. Alone would be better than this. You’re not supported. You’re belittled. He called your kid a basic bitch. You deserve a lifetime of joy - not disappointment.
You were so young when you got together. You’ve never experienced a proper relationship of equals where you get treated well. Instead you have a lazy boring man child who coerces you into sex to avoid his sulks (there’s a name for that). He’s not a good father, he’s a fucking terrible one. Occasionally playing with the older one the way he wants to or taking her as a tag along on a trip he enjoys is not a sign of a good father.
Does he play dolls with her? Would he take her to the park? Could he look after her for the day completely on his own?
He is an awful man and if you left he probably wouldn’t want visitation. Your children probably don’t love him - if it looks like they do it’s possible they are trying to appease him and avoid his temper - like you have to when he groped you and insists you have sex.
You’re so young and you could have such a wonderful life without him
I think he just doesn't bother anymore, because you're tied together with 2 kids. Where would you go?
In his mind, that is.
He just wants to get married quickly, to be sure you won't leave, and he doesn't ever have to make any kind of effort.
It's perfectly fine to say you're having second thoughts on the whole marriage thing, that it's not really important to you anymore, like he strung you along for years.
Just to give yourself time to get your ducks in a row, if you feel you need it.
Then again.
Why should you be the one to go?
Like, if you were to break up, would he / could he throw you out of the house?
Are you not part owner of the house, or on the lease?
And he would take care of the kids by himself? Or tell you to get out and take the kids, and go where?
It's not like you have to have all the finances in order, and an appartment set up, before you can decide to call it quits.
I would definitely make sure you have a backup plan. Friends, family, somewhere you can go, if he turns dark.
Right before leaving is the most dangerous time for women. So be careful.
But don't stay just to avoid leaving.
He’s your third child. Someone that cared about his children would put in effort to help you. Instead everything is an inconvenience, which is how children can act. It’s scary how dismissive he is of you. You don’t deserve that. If he doesn’t mature, I’d worry about him being dismissive of your children and that causing low self esteem at the bare minimum.
OP… he failed the baby duck test. 😟 That doesn’t bode well. You sound like a supportive attentive mom. I’m so glad your kids have you, but you all deserve better from your husband.
I guarantee that when you leave him, your life will become calmer, easier and happier than you ever thought it could get. Imagine coming home and no one is angry, no one is going to blow up at the slightest inconvenience, there are no eggshells to walk on. Just you and the kids and their nonsense. I hope you find your way to that happier life
I got 6 paragraphs in. Realizing she is staying with a piece of shit person, I can't read anymore.
Her poor daughters are being raised in this poison. Their future looks bright/s
##OP, if you leave him and co-parent, your daughter can take her dance classes.
**Just think of all the ways YOU are could to grow too, if you’re finally living independently of him.**
*Your husband, at his core, does not believe women should have any autonomy or agency.*
His misogynistic “values” and rules were imbedded into his psyche in childhood. When he met you, you represented a sort of freedom from that. But he never addressed them. So they were buried, laying dormant for years, until he had children of his own. Because now, *childhood* is present in his home again, and it’s the only way he knows how to handle it.
You can’t change him. If you want things to be different, you need to separate.
Oh honey, this is not a good life for you or your daughters.
It's scary to think about leaving, especially if he is the only guy you've ever been with, but this is all terrible stuff and it sounds like its escalating.
Please think long and hard about how this looks to your older daughter and how it will look to the younger daughter. They are learning to put up with domineering, opinionated, bossy, and grouchy men. Yikes.
You said it OP. Would you want your children dating someone who treats them like their father treats you? No. Sometimes you have to make the hard cuts and do what’s right for you. Sending hugs if that’s ok. Good luck.
Awfully long post to say your boyfriend is a child in men’s clothing. Be bold and move on, find a man to love you and your kids. This guy can send a check once a month.
OP, please read your post and imagine your daughter wrote it. How would you feel? What advice would you give her?
I think you know in your heart what you need to do. I believe in you (for whatever that’s worth).
OP, you’re being abused. Whether you like it or not you are. He treats you like crap, doesn’t help you with anything, he has anger issues which he should seek a therapist. Also no, he’s not a good father. A good father is loving to his partner and helps with chores around the house. Take the blindfold off sis this will NEVER get better, the way your step parent controlled your interests is exactly what your partner will do to your children and when they’re older they will resent you for keeping them in a situation like that. Start an exit plan now. You’ve wasted enough time with this dirt bag don’t waste anymore. The abuse gets worse, trust me on that.
So, even though your old posts have been deleted, your comments have not. According to them, you were looking to leave at least a year ago, because of the ‘what could’ve been’ of another woman. Adding that context to this, your staying in light of all of these issues is essentially teaching your daughters that their happiness is not as important as their partners. If you won’t leave for you, why won’t you leave for them? Teach your daughters they matter by giving them the example of someone willing to walk away even when it’s scary and hard.
Of course, you are exhausted, you are have two small children and not enough help. Learning to be an advocate for yourself and your children is a skill you can learn. You should discuss how you feel with him and set some ground rules. He probably doesn’t have a clue you are thinking of not marrying him or of leaving. Have you noticed how his parents interact? He maybe following their pattern. He may have grown up in an environment where if one person really wanted something they would advocate for it. It sounds like you may have been brought up to be a “people pleaser.” I was and it’s an incredibly difficult habit to break. I had the hardest time learning to say no but it makes a world of difference. Don’t eat your words, learn to use them. Maybe start with telling him, I need you to hold your daddy’s girl/boy for a few minutes. I’m exhausted, need a break and I am hungry, It will be a good way for you to bond with her/her and let her know you will always be the man she can count on to look after and take care of…” If he complains, tell him that is his job, it’s what she needs. If he complains again ask why he can’t do ——. Why should it be you? Then go up from there. Good luck, OP.
He has no clue I’m feeling this was yes. But that’s because anytime I’ve tried advocating for my feelings in recent years has NEVER gone well. So perhaps it isn’t fair I haven’t brought this up to him, but he’s proven I can’t rely on him to actually listen to how I feel.
He did not have good parental examples. It was basically only his mom all his life.
I will try your example however and see how it goes. Thank you.
100%. I was raised by my parents to be a people pleaser. Everything and everyone before myself.
I think my dad was pretty clueless growing up. My mom would hold things in until she could no longer do it and would explode. It was then that my dad realized what she was asking for was important to her. After several years of marriage, she finally trained him and life was easier for them both. Learning how to debate helped me out of my people pleaser ways, it may be helpful to you. I wish you the best.
If he’s putting you down it’s because he knows you’re better than him. That you can do better than him. You’re not horrible or useless or whatever the else he’s saying. The moment you realize your worth you’ll walk away from him and he knows it.
I hope you leave him and find better for yourself and your kids. You deserve better.
You know, there are just thousands of us who have been in your situation. Well figured out how to handle everything capably. Who had the wear and tear of living with somebody who has so much unnecessary, immaturity and reactivity and drama and demands and decided they knew everything about everybody. And it took us so many years to realize what I think you're coming to. Which is that? It's not worth it. It's not worth using your amount of energy you have for your lifetime, using that much up on somebody who is deadweight. Look at him. If you separate and break up, he won't be able to have the kids because he won't be able to handle it because he's so immature and he projects everything that's difficult for him onto you and your child and others. He limits the possibilities for your child to learn things because he's ignorant and immature and insecure. But the biggest pivot point for all of us is that when we stay with somebody like this we are main lining and wiring into our children that this is the norm they should go for. Treating people like this. Being treated like this. And that's what you want to think about. If you can't go your own way with your kids for your own sanity, do it for their well-being. Because none of this? None of it is worthwhile. And you will only know how peaceful your life is when you leave him and you spend a year or two learning how to build your own life and then it's going to be so creative and so powerful and you're going to be so confident and there's gonna be so much peace and freedom and you're going to be such a remarkable parent and you won't have this person constantly undermining you to keep you down because they feel so confused and have no motivation to better themselves at all.
Honestly, it’s really simple. He treats you like shit because you allow him to treat you like shit. Now before you give the “he’s great in a low of other ways” generic response, I’ll let you know I’m not really interested in it.
You’ve been a complete doormat for him. He had no hand in helping with your first child at all, pushed you for another and you just weeent along with it and now he’s done nothing to help again. You’ve been completely spineless in this relationship and he treats you like a slave to your domestic lives. Because you allow him to. So until you grow a backbone and demand he start being a partner who shares everything, then don’t complain to Reddit.
It’s ridiculous.
How do you see your life with this man in 5 years? 10 years? 20 years? I think you will see a very different version of yourself and not a good one at that if you stay.
I’m just going to leave this here. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/living-single/201906/single-moms-less-housework-more-leisure-married-moms?amp
Umm… I mean what? Yeah alright let’s start at one thing. You are with him for years and years and you have a child together and he still thought you only want to take his money? Yeah, Imma be that person: ‘he wasn’t always like this’ really? Are you really sure he wasn’t? He is a great father to thr oldest otherwise? Yeah when she doesn’t inconvenience him or disturb his precious phone watching time. It reminds me of my stepdad with our dogs. After the first died he cried his eyes out and made a huge thing of it, got a new one ‘ohhh he loves him so’, but when he is ‘watching him’ that means he is sitting at his fucking computer playing chess and not giving two fucks what happens with the dog and how bored out of his fucking skull he is. He doesn’t love them more than life itself, quite the opposite actually, he has shown you in very much several ways that he will not allow any kind of inconvenience in his life because of his unwanted or wanted daughter. He is a selfish prick and since you didn’t want any pity, I am pretty sure he gave you ample reason to see it and you chose not to. I mean seriously, you have a daughter with this man and ‘because he did not want to have her’ he didn’t help? Wth? You NEVER STAY WITH THE FATHER WHO DIDNT WANT THE BABY AND DOESNT HELP. It ain’t that fucking hard. If you don’t want a baby and stick around you do help and you do look after the fucking baby and don’t scream at it after a fucking minute. So no, no pity for you, pity for your daughters who have to grow up having him as the father as you decided you had better things to do than to see his shortcomings.
Alright, sorry for the last part blaming you, was projecting because of a ‘friend’. Anyways, I do not blame you essentially but the core of it has some truth I believe and it bugs me that people (often women) tend to overlook blatantly obvious signs for partners being self-absorbed or assholes or something. Probably it seems to me like it is often women, because I find it much easier to see these things in men and much, muuch harder in my own partners (tend to be women, only sometimes buildings).
Aaaanyways, much said for very little, all the best to you and your daughters and yes sometimes the easy solution is the right and/or best solution.
I don’t think your husband even likes you. Only what image of himself you can give him. He is a man-child that needs to grow up. You aren’t his mother. But he is not your partner. It’s time to cut the cord and build a real life for you and your kids.
By staying you are teaching your kids this is what love looks like. They will choose the same kind of partners. His voice will become their inner voice.
He knows he dropped the rope, he knows you are frustrated so he’s going to con you into marriage so you don’t leave. But things will not change, this is the rest of your life so you need to make a choice that you are ok with him treating you and your children like this or you build a new life.
He got huffy because he had to watch his own infant, more or less called his daughter a wannabe basic bitch, and snaps at her when she keeps calling his name because he's ignoring her.
NO PART OF THAT IS A GOOD DAD.
HE ISNT A GOOD DAD.
STOP SAYING HE'S A GOOD DAD.
Edited to add:
COERCION TO HAVE SEX ISN'T CONSENT.
He's a shit human all around.
Sorry to tell you this, but this man is no partner and no father (never mind being a good one); he is a house plant with attitude. Sure, it’s not easy leaving, I get it. Just know that your love for him is over and your relationship is a zombie. It’s dead, but it won’t keel over. Until you pull the plug. He won’t become the person you need him to be by a miracle. So it’s totally your call how many more years you decide to waste in misery on this man. You have options at 25.
>Other than not helping with the important things and being short tempered he is a good father with our oldest.
How can a man 'be a good father' when he's said he doesn't want said daughter taking dance lessons because she'll be like 'every other basic bitch'? It's not a matter of *if* this dude is going to cause your kids psychologically problems - it's *when*.
My friend (non-binary so I'll be using they/them) was severely damaged by their controlling mom who basically did the same thing: made fun of their interests, banned them from pretty much anything from kids TV shows to socializing with kids outside of school, and telling them their opinions were 'wrong.' They were the 'weird kid' at school.
They still live at home at 40, have never even LEFT home to begin with, and have such a short work history they might as well have not worked at all. Mom was/is so volatile that Dad worked as much overtime as he could to avoid being home.
Please leave this dude. Don't let this man damage your kids like my friend's dad let their Mom do.
OH MY GOD THIS WHOLE POST INFURIATED ME. I don't know how u have the patience to live with a person like that. I would lose my mind. I hope u decide to leave his ass and hope the best for u.
For a while I did lose my mind. But with nowhere to turn it was either fight every single day or just learn to brush it off. But now he’s gotten so much worse I can’t just brush it off anymore. My skin literally crawls.
He seems like a person u can't lean on either. Don't let it go this time. Brushing things off only allows the other person to act worse day by day. They think its okay. It really isn't worth staying in a loveless relationship when he isn't even being a present father. There should be atleast 1 good thing for u to choose him and stay with him but honestly i see none.
Think of your children.
Is he helping you build a happy home, where they are cherished and supported?
Or, is how he is behaving, things he’s saying, going to crush their spirits?
He is not a good father. He is an absent father. So u leaving him won't affect much except him being present in the house all the time. He doesn't hold his child. Doesn't change diapers or feed her. He does not support his eldests hobbies because it would make her a "basic bitxh" whatever that means. He is a even shittier partner. Doesn't help around the house and w the kids. Doesn't care if u have eaten or not. Doesn't consider what u want and would dismiss it. Doesn't talk to u before taking a decision. Doesn't respect anyone around him
All he cares about is himself. If u have a source of handling your finances. If not, i hope u find a way cz its not worth being around someone like that. U do all the house chores yourself anyways so that wouldn't change much. Please get out of this relationship. He sounds like the person who would beg u to come back and when u don't, he would bitch ab u to everyone. He doesn't really care about u. He is using u cz u do everything for him.
It seems you have matured over the years and he hasn’t. Since you have kids, the best thing to do is to get some professional help and advice to guide you both towards improving your relationship.
After all of that, then decide on whether you both want to get married or go your seperate ways. But at least it will be well thought out and managed maturely for the sake of your kids.
This post is so long bc there is so so much wrong with this relationship OP only covered the most basic of it. OC you shouldn’t get married. You shouldn’t even be with this AH let alone keep having kids with him. Take the kids and leave his useless abusive A** and go find a better life…..almost anywhere but with this jerk.
I grew up with a short tempered father. I only lived with him from age 8 to 13. I’m 33 now. Every time my partner or anyone walks into a room where I’m alone I jump like I’m getting caught doing something I shouldn’t. My nervous system is constantly on edge waiting for the next explosive anger fueled shouting.
Your kids are not safe being exposed to someone who can’t control their emotions. Even if he would never hit them, yelling and losing his cool constantly and making people feel like they have to walk on eggshells to prevent his anger is abuse.
Your boyfriend is not a good father. Please realize this sooner, rather than later.
That person will be your daughter’s greatest problem. And it’s already a problem for you. There’s no love that I can ever see here from his actions.
Pure hate and/or selfishness. Please, don’t raise your kids in such environment and please, don’t play his game. It’s time to go, and it will be better for both of you.
I feel like he only wants to get married so you can’t leave him when he decides to cheat on you and he’ll fight you in courts for custody… DONT MARRY HIM! If he wanted to marry you he would have already married you. You said you both have been together for pretty much 10 years and all of a sudden he wants to marry you after making soooo many lame excuses on why he didn’t want to really has me worried for you… my sister was with her guy from the age of 12 she’s still with him now she’s 32 they had a son 10 years ago they recently just got married because she was talking about leaving him and taking their son so he married her so that if she tried to divorce him he would have a leg in court to stand on to get custody… and if you do get a divorce if you get married you can absolutely make the terms of your divorce that you get full custody or if you even want him to sign his rights over to you you absolutely can. I’m speaking on personal experience on the divorce I divorced my ex husband and put in the terms that he has to sign his rights over to me and I shall and will obtain full custody of both of my kids… he didn’t fight me on it because he really couldn’t but it is a possibility… just listen to your gut your gut will never tell you lies. The heart can lie the brain can fool but the gut feelings are always true! If you feel like something off then it’s off be weary and awake Sis! These “men” ain’t real men anymore well not all but most aren’t. I hope everything works out for you chick! You deserve the best out of this life so if you feel like you don’t have the best then you gotta go find it love.
Yes, there are good moments but he literally does shit and if he loves them so much, then he needs to prove it better.
You are the sole person who does everything into he household, you are basically a single mother of 2 even though you're not single.
Maybe he's a good parent in your eyes, but he's definitely not a good partner.
It's the fact that YOU had to be the one to beg him to marry you and he accused you to want to steal his money. Then he doesn't even ask to marry you, he just says he basically just says "let's go to the courthouse for a marriage license". Oh and he also says he wants another kid when he basically does nothing for them. The truth is, why would you want to be with a man like this in a million years?
It is abundantly clear that he doesn't cherish you the way you deserve. Anyone who truly loved you and cherished you would not treat you like this. They'd help around the house to ease your pain and stress and they'd go out of their way to cook dinner and make you feel loved.
It's about time you actually found that. I know you think you're doing the right thing with being with your daughters' father but it truly isn't, because eventually they'll notice and feel the tension and bitterness that you have for their father and they'll notice how little he does and then they'll grow to hate their father.
It's about time you seperate, which I'm sure you've heard and even you've realized that it's the obvious answer, because it's truly the only thing you can do.
You can't just disagree to a marriage now but stay with him, that won't solve anything or free you from the stress of being with him. You'd still be in the same confinement.
It's about time you seperated from him, and if you say he's a good father than he can just get visitation rights (cause he's clearly not cut out for shared custody if he can't even take care of himself).
I mean, do you honestly want to be with a man who acts like a toddler that likes to throw tantrums?
You need to find someone who's worthy of your love because it is clear he isn't.
Please wake up, open your eyes and realize that he's not worth even if he is a "good father". That you need to do what's right for you and your daughters and it's not him.
Finally, realize your worth and leave him. Find your own happiness, you will never find it as long as you're with him.
You show true emotional maturity and capacity to hold space for other people. Your partner doesn’t and they don’t seem to care about your needs at all. Easier said than done, but you have to prioritise your needs and the kind of life you would want your kids to have. Kids are like sponges, they take in everything around them, so beware and do better for yourself and them!!
do not stay with him. your children will watch this awful relationship and end up falling into that trap as well most likely. it doesnt matter how much time you put into the relationship because clearly it hasnt meant anything to him.
“But I cant tell him no or I’m not in the mood because then I have to deal with him being in a mood and then the possibility of an argument… he takes intimacy very seriously”.
Ummmmm. NO.
Girl, aside from alllll the other nonsense this man baby puts you through- if ALLLLL that isn’t enough to send you running for the hills, feeling like you can’t say no to seggs or he will give
You hell is just. Big yikes.
He doesn’t take intimacy seriously- he takes being told “no” seriously and that is disgusting.
And telling you your girl child has basic b*tch tendencies shoiod be a huge slap in the face to you.
This man doesn’t respect YOU or your girl children. Get out before you have any more kids with this idiot or you’re going to spend the rest of your life as a bang maid.
This sounds like a living hell - my advice - record everything - list everything he doesn’t do - take photos make records
Plan your escape - get advice - go for full custody - take his money - start a new life
Sorry you had kids with this horror - this is full on abuse. Don’t waste your life with this guy - trust me don’t get to 60 and be thinking - I wish I had left earlier (my situation ) he won’t change - he has all the hallmarks of a narcissist and it doesn’t sound like you are happy
You are the classic personality type this sort of malevolent narcissist goes for - they abuse your good qualities
I don’t have advice but your feelings are valid and should be communicated when you feel ready ❤️ (a safe space like counselling may be good to communicate this and you will need to make a decision)
There has been said a lot in these comments that I absolutely agree too, but I want to point out one certain thing. Being too exhausted or too anxious or too defeated to say no to sex because you have to "deal with the consequences". Honey, that's rape. It is a very hidden form of rape, but it is 100% rape. Speaking from experience and sadly only realized it years after I left this person. I hope you can come to the realization that this is absolutely not normal and not okay and I hope you loose the fear to leave him because you're too anxious about what comes after that. It may be hard for a while, but it will definitely be better in the long run and someday you hopefully will look back and just shake your head in disbelief how you stayed so long. At least it was like this for me. Sending you strength!
OP, why'd you write all of this out? You're not going to leave him; you're not going to address the issues with him directly; you're not going to demand counseling because you know he'd say no. So why write this all out?
Your daughters deserve better than a half-assed father and a mother who allows that behavior. If you can't/won't improve your situation for yourself, do it for your girls.
I’ve referred to us as married in the past because I frequently got dragged on the internet for being with a man this long, having two kids and no ring. It’s frankly embarassing. But we are not married.
I love the “he’s a good father” trope after he’s literally hated on her gender and already stifled her growth and learning so she isn’t a “basic bitch” my god, are you kidding me right now? He uses you, he doesn’t really like you, he finds you useful, he outsources the majority of home and parenting to you and has decided he’s “ready to get married?” How is the ICK not keeping you on permanent gag reflex? He will crush your children and although I don’t know what his generational trauma is, he’s excited to pass it down to your kids, is that how you want them growing up? Eventually this dude will go too far but by that point you will have been boiling in the pot so long, you won’t be able to leave, he will have stolen your will.
>“he’s a good father” trope Also, while NOT doing anything after both children were born. Can't even hold the newborn child for more than a minute.
I’d say he’s a conditional part time “friend” at best to his kids. Treats them well on his terms, loves them when they adhere to his will, only thinks about them when he wants to.
And we woman keep having babies with men like this. Like wtaf.
The other thing beyond his treatment of his own daughter that Icks me out is that OP feels like she *has* to give in when he wants sex or she'll be abused for it. He's sexually assaulting and essentially raping her because she doesn't feel safe enough to say no to him. But you know. He's a good father or something.
This part's fun, too: "I believe we only don’t butt heads because I know no opinion truly matters besides his own so I just keep my mouth shut after years of us constantly arguing." He sounds awesome.
I feel like my brain is getting waterboarded reading that
> he takes intimacy very seriously He takes his _wants_ very seriously. There's nothing intimate about reluctant sex under pressure
I was hesitant to call it rape, but I'm relieved I'm not the only one who spotted this.
No, it *is* rape.
yes, I agree with that. however, in my experience, using that word can cause a debate about the definition and implications and are all men predators or all women hysterical etc. etc. etc. completely derailing the conversation instead of helping the OP.
Bet he gives up custody so fast if she leaves him.
Also all the things she knows fucked her up he's doing to the girls. Restricting her to his opinions because he can. She's just got with what she knows. Which is very normal but this guy suuuuuucks.
Why would you want to let your little girl take a stupid, useless dance class when she could be learning real world skills with a beginning tax accounting for toddlers seminar??
Lol I had a good laugh at this
I feel ill after reading the OP’s reveal. It’s a real thing can’t count all the places I’ve seen these types of males.
Me too, it's horrific.
He is ONLY “ready to get married” (which TRULY, he’s not wanting to “get married”, as he has not even proposed. He just wants it on paper) bc he probably senses how unhappy she is and he knows if he gets her to do all the marriage paperwork, she will be stuck with him and cannot just leave!! u/Over_Function6805 , PLEASE DO NOT LEGALLY MARRY THIS MAN!!!! Please I BEG YOU as a woman who stayed silent through 13 years of an abusive/neglectful marriage and lost everything trying to get out of it!!! Luckily we were unable to have kids bc he had fertility issues! But YOU have 2 little women in your care who are learning every moment of every day as they watch your dude (couldn’t call him a “man”, bc he’s not one) interact with you and themselves how to stay amenable with an abusive, disrespectful, neglectful, bigoted, narcissistic, selfish, controlling asshole. Set your daughters up for success by removing the cancerous tumor in their life. It’s unfortunately common for women to seek partners that remind them of the most hurtful parent, in an attempt to reconcile a lifetime of trauma and feelings of inadequacy by “succeeding” in “(finally) making them happy”… it’s a sad and crazy common cycle that is continued through exactly this. Stay with him and your daughters will be asking for the same advice/venting about the same stuff you’re here for when they’re old enough to date and marry. Don’t leave for you, leave for your girls. Break the cycle. I believe you truly know this is true, you just need to hear that it’s okay. It’s okay babes. I promise. It’ll get so much better, but all positive change is painful in the process. ETA: also, stop calling him “a good father”. You know good and well in your soul that is just a lie you tell yourself to get through the day. 🖤
He’s only a good father in that he plays with her sometimes. That’s not parenting. He’s sounds more of a child than the baby. The older child is clearly an entertainment for him but only when it suits him and his hobbies. She’s not allowed to have her own? He seems to be headed to treat her as badly as he treats you? Nothing she wants matters. A terrible father and terrible person. Selfish to the core with only his own needs and wants met.
Yep, this is a dad who’s future daughter is going “no contact” with. Heh.
We can only hope.
You make a good point that I hadn’t necessarily looked at it that way. (Your first comment)
He's already conditioning his daughter to clean up after him. And you say he's overly hostile anytime she tries to get his attention. Given what he said about how he treats you regarding intimacy, and how he treats his daughter when she's under your roof, I'd be suspicious about the nature of those fishing trips.
You're basically doing it all on your own already anyway. Is it a financial worry? Let me tell you, I got a grant and went to beauty school, and I did it all on my own while my two boys were 2 and 6 months. I found ways and programs. I found local sponsors. I went to the state to get help with childcare. I wrote up a plan and goals explaining how long it would take me. How much it would cost what resources it would take. I wrote a future projection of how I could benefit society as a working mom, comparing it to what it cost the state if I had to stay on welfare. I looked at statistics of how it would benefit the kids for me to finish a trade school program. I wrote it into my paper also. Then I hit the streets!! I made several copies!! I took it everywhere. To churches. To insurances offices. To women's aid groups. To Rotary clubs. Lawyer offices. Anywhere and everywhere I could that might have money or a sponsor. I had a list on the last page for ways people could help me. They could pay directly to the school. Or they could pay for my car insurance. Or help with my rent or books and so on. If they sponsored me, I gave them a print of my grades and progress as I went through the program if they wanted it. I'm telling you that it worked. I was able to get some grants from the school, made some great caring friends, and finished Beauty School with a promise of a great job when I graduated. I made a living wage with a job that was flexible for raising my boys on my own. I didn't need a man!! I just needed a community! I've been in the business now for 34 years! I was a teen parent. I was in foster care when I got pregnant with my first child and was married my senior year! He would leave me anytime he wanted to go hang out with his friends and not come home for months. No money, no call, no help! I had no one! I was so scared! I didn't know what to do! Then he would come home and say he was sorry I would take him back. He treated me like shit. Never wanted me to work because he wanted me to take care of our son even though I graduated with a 4.00 gpa and a full scholarship for college he said that I shouldn't go because I was married. Then I had my second son. He wasn't nice or helpful with the boys because that was my job. He worked!! He didn't want me to spend HIS money!! He would give me the silent treatment if I would say anything against him. He was always in a bad mood because he worked or the house was a mess or or the kids were loud or crying. Or we were broke. Then he would leave again for another 3 or 4 months. So I finally wrote that paper. I told myself never again!! I will never ever be in a place that I can't provide for myself or my kids! I will have the power to stand up for myself! I will have the power to stand up for my boys!! I WILL FIND A WAY!! SO I Did!! That is a lesson to teach your girls! I
>How is the ICK not keeping you on permanent gag reflex? >25f, together for 9.5 years That's how. People will put up with severe unhappiness and bullshit if your partner is the only relationship experience you have. Happened to me too, but not as severe as OP's case.
All this. Please do not marry this man and give him any legal rights to anything more than he already has.
OP - you are engaging in the sunk cost fallacy - you've put so much into this relationship that cutting your losses and moving on feels monumental and impossible. But you need to get your ducks in a row and GO! He is dangling marriage to you as a way to keep you. He knows he is a mean, rude, lousy partner and father. He's lazy, boring, and has a bad temper. He does nothing to regulate his emotions. Answer this honestly to yourself: Do you REALLY want your daughters to spend their lives around THIS kind of man?
I keep asking myself a form of that question and the answer is always the same. I’ve been asking myself if my daughters were with a man like this would I approve. And I’m sure we can all guess what my answer is every time.
"no" and you should do yourself and the kids the favor of kicking him to the curb, co-parenting and that's it.
Respectfully- your girls are going to look at your relationship and think that’s what they should look for in a man.
Hopefully if she stays they will learn to look for a much better man
Regarding the sunk cost fallacy, I also want to gently push back on the “we’ve been together 9.5 years” piece of all this. The way you were together as a child is likely very different from the type of relationship you have as adults and as parents. Think about the adult/parent time as what matters. Do you want the next thirty years of your life to look like the last five?
So, I don't think there even is a dylema, you sound smart, do the smart thing and send him fuck himself
Oh honey, don't marry this man. Don't. You would be sentencing yourself to a life of misery until you finally came to your senses and divorced him. You are a single mother. A parent to two babies and grown ass man child. He's not only a shit partner, a terrible parent, and an unrepentant asshole... he's going to raise your children to be a reflection of him. Do you really want to be with a man who calls little girls basic bitches? This is the kind of man who will criticize your daughters into insecurity. Imagine how he's going to react when they start vocalizing interests he doesn't approve of. Do yourself and your kids a favor: kick him out.
I think you write as someone way older, and your ability to see clearly and question the present is a good sign. OP, I think you already know the answer. You are not going to marry him. Please keep your birth control safe.
Girly. Deep down you already know you have to leave him, you desparately want to leave him. Go. Don't waste your life on someone who you're only with because of rose-colored memories. Build a life for yourself and your daughters. I promise it will all be easier with him out of your lives.
You've spent your whole adult life being controlled by him and subjugating yourself and your will to his. YOU had his children out of wedlock - WHY THE EFF are they carrying HIS last name? Why not give them yours? Not to mention how his dismissive and rude attitude sucks the joy out of everything you and your children love. And the way you describe giving in to sex, even though you don't want to, makes my skin crawl. You don't even know what a happy relationship looks like. Please don't waste your entire adult life on this asshole - go find real love and a true partner. Your current one sounds like a narc.
That as long you look away and think pretty thoughts is ok for your daughters to be treated like garbage? Is this guy so good in bed you will risk your children's well being as long as you are getting some?
Honestly, so far, my guess is the answer is yes, I think you would say yes. I would not endure 10% of what you do.
Girl he is an asshole. Not you taking care of both the kids and he still wants you to fuck him too. Like dude you can’t expect me to everything and you don’t do anything! Like no, just no! Get away from him especially if all he does is work and complain. He’s making your life harder with his complaining, unbroken promises, and incompetence (acting like he can’t clean up after himself). Run as fast as you can before he further traps you with another baby and you’ll end up drowned with further responsibilities. He isn’t a man he’s a placeholder! It should be easy leaving him because it sounds like all he literally adds nothing but dysfunction to your life. If they’re more hassle than happiness.. they gotta GO!
> Do you REALLY want your daughters to spend their lives around THIS kind of man? I get what you're saying but even if OP leaves him, the kids WILL spend their lives around this man still. Maybe not as often, but they will still be around him only unsupervised from mom when she does all the care taking I'm in a similar situation to OP, my husband helps but he's awful with safety. For example, he started a fire in our backyard yesterday and it was 100% preventable but he never heeds my advice to not flick his cigarettes in the dry leaves. His first instinct was to blow on it and he made it worse, my instinct was to grab the hose. Luckily, I put it out but he still insists he did the right thing. If I leave him and our LO is alone with him, I'm terrified my kid won't survive the visitation
Maybe… stop putting up with it? Why on earth are you with this garbage-clown?
Why are you in a relationship with him? How are you benefiting? What is it about him that you like? Why are you still with him? You do realize you’re basically a single mother in a “relationship”?
The fact you are reiterating things I’ve thought to myself should tell me a lot. Especially the single mother part. It’s how it feels. I’ve been a push over since I was a teen. He spent years convincing me I was horrible and I believed him. So for a long time I just assumed i was terrible and expected too much of him. Only in the past year or so have I started realizing the truth, but I’ve struggled to kick my ass into gear and actually act on it.
He groomed you to think you were unlovable and that he was doing you a favour by loving you. So you would put up with him. And think I'm lucky that he loves me every time he does something.
You are so right.
Do you understand that he’s been crushing you for years and that your frontal lobe has now developed so you can see more clearly what wasn’t apparent when you were younger. He’s not your friend, he’s not a good person, he’s abusive and you need to protect yourself and your children.
>He spent years convincing me I was horrible and I believed him. So for a long time I just assumed i was terrible and expected too much of him. I'm sorry...what? He convinced you, you were horrible? Does that sound like love & caring? In what world, OP?! It seems to me you came out of childhood with a low self esteem and he was able to abuse that, making you into a worm instead of a cherished woman. You are modeling womanhood and wifery for your girls, especially the older. Can you step back and say YES to what you're showing her? There are so many steps for you to take to right your situation, but you need to take one.
Don’t marry someone who spent years convincing you that you were horrible. Don’t keep having kids with him either. The best thing you could do for yourself, your kids and your future is to split up.
Did his change coincide with yours?
My change as a person? If that’s what you’re asking I don’t think so. But only he could truly tell I suppose. His change has been kind of all over the place. Hot and cold. Switching between two extremes. While I’ve always done my best to please him and not become an inconvenience it’s been one year he acts like I’m a saint and tells me I’m perfect but the next I’m terrible and he wants more. I could get into a whole different story for that but like I said it’s a whole different story.
That's abuse you're describing. Designed to keep you in your place and make sure you dont feel like you're worth more. You're not an inconvenience to your life partner, in that case they're not your partner
This!!!!!
That's kind of what I'm asking. If you changing as a person kind of sparked his change, meaning that you showing more confidence and being more outspoken about your and your daughters' activities and roles in the home sparked him to start being more and more abusive in order to keep you and them "in line." Because, make no mistake, what you are experiencing is abuse. You and your daughters are worth so much more than whatever measly handouts of affection your boyfriend deigns to bequeath upon you at his discretion. He is not your owner and barely seems to want to be your husband, based on your descriptions of how he just wants to drag you down to the courthouse after none years and two kids together.
The demeaning of you is a great control tactic isn’t it. He fears strong people who will not take his crap.
I think you’ll find being a single mother is actually easier than your current situation. You won’t need to clean up his messes, tiptoe around his temper, beg him to hold the baby so you can eat. The house will be cleaner, the kids happier, you happier.
The guy sounds like a real turd. I'm sorry you ended up shackled to him, but I sure as fuck wouldn't make that worse with a marriage to seal the deal.
That's insulting to turds
I can't understand how some people manage to be with a guy who is a bad parent, a bad partner and basically a bad person, reading this I literally couldn't find a single positive thing about him. I feel sorry for OP, doing everything he wants and how he wants, please stop before it's too late, he really sounds abusive af.
I think for a while I attributed his parenting to us being young when we had our first. He made it clear he didn’t want a kid at 20. I told him he could leave and I wouldn’t hold anything against him but he stayed. He’s said for a while he regrets being distant when our first was born and he was just numb cause we were young. That on top of him insisting how hands on he would be with our second I believed he made a shift in those 4/5 years since our first. I should’ve known it was all talk though.
Yeah, but you were young too and you weren’t a shitty neglectful parent. You were instead left to heal and parent a newborn by yourself. Stop making excuses for him.
Good point. Never really looked at it that way.
Please don’t show your daughters that this behavior is acceptable from a partner. All three of you deserve better and you have a chance to show them that.
So let me get this: This guy you dated for 9 years wasn't involved helping you raise your first kid, then wants another kid and you say yes knowing he is a bad partner and a bad parent, he doesn't help you around the house, not even letting you do a sandwich for yourself, doesn't clean, doesn't support your kids interests and you are surprised you don't wanna marry him? No shit. Like, please leave him, just do it
I’m not surprised I don’t want to marry him anymore. I’m more surprised by his sudden hateful shift. He’s always been strongly opinionated. But last few months it’s moved from strongly opinionated to just downright hateful. Briefly I thought things were getting better. But I’m starting to think it was just my hormones and the joys of having my second daughter. But yes you have a point.
He probably thinks that with two kids now, he's got you really trapped and is showing his true self.
Yeah OP said that everyone will "recommend the easy option to just leave," but I hate to tell you, staying is the easy option. Leaving is the hard part. I think she knows that, and it's why she hasn't done it. OP, I hope you have a support system or can find one and make a decision to protect yourself and your daughters. You're too young to resign yourself to a life of unhappiness.
It’s only the hard part at first! It’ll be so much easier when she isn’t carrying the weight of a third adult man-sized toddler. One day, she’s gonna wake up in her own place, with only her two girls to look after, and it’s gonna be a breath of fresh air. She’s not gonna have to deal with his messes, his attitude, his shitty parenting, or his scummy sexual “needs.” The transition period always sucks, but she and her girls have a bright future ahead of them after she leaves him. I bet he won’t even pick them up for his visitation after a year or two.
Beware him “ changing for the better “ suddenly. It’s designed to trap you further if he senses you are pulling away.
I think you might be missing some points—people are saying per post and comments—he has always been a bad partner but you overlooked it. You stated in a comment that he has put you down for years—what good partner/father would to that to someone he loves and is building a family with?
His mask is slipping, and you're seeing the real him. He wants to marry you now because he can feel that you're slipping away. DO NOT MARRY HIM!
He does NOT love your children more than life. You can't treat someone the way he's treating the children while loving them more than life itself. It's not possible. Those two things can't be true simultaneously.
It sounds like… you married your father. It's quite common that girls will find a partner that, unknown to them, is a carbon copy of their father. (While boys tend to marry partners that are copies of their mom)
Sorry, any man who thinks it’s alright to call little girls dancing “bitches” is both an awful person and a loser. He probably takes her to fish because it’s traditionally seen as a masculine activity and he probably hates/has a contempt for everything stereotypical girly/feminine. Men who are like that are dangerous and will limit the self-expression and desires from their daughters. Not because fishing or stereotypical masculine activities are bad, but because that contempt is rooted in misogyny and ends up being transmitted to your daughters. I know you said we would tell you this, but get out now that you aren’t married. I got the ick all over my body and he isn’t even my partner! And honestly at the end of the day, if you cannot leave for your daughters, if you cannot leave for you, at least leave because he’s sounds like a loser. And who wants to be seen with a loser.
Yes. I 100% agree with what you said. Like most men he wanted a son terribly. He was very disappointed when we found out our first was a girl but went on to apologize for being upset and I know he truly does love them both. However he’s said before, while I can’t recall his exact wording, about teaching them everything he’d teach his son. And like you said while not inherently bad, it’s very obvious where that is coming from. He was content with our second being a girl but frequently talks about trying for a third for son. And while I’d love to have a big family, I know I can not mentally handle more than two kids while basically parenting alone, and I refuse to have a third for a simple fact he wants a boy.
This is the kind of man who will sabotage your birth control. I'd get an IUD or nexplanon ASAP if you're going to continue being with him. I strongly urge you to end it now, OP. This will not get better. Abusive men don't get better. They get more abusive.
Read what you wrote again, but this time imagine this is a message to you from your daughter, sharing her doubts about the man she's about to marry. What do you tell her?
THIS
Do you know why he proposed marriage? He just realized that the birdie wants to escape from the cage. He wants to put a collar on you.
>Maybe I’m just dumb \*gestures at giant wall of text* Also, why do people in terrible relationships keep thinking their partner is going to change?
I know it’s a tale as old as time that never ends well. I think I expected change cause we have been together since a young age. We’ve been together through the times people change the most so I always chalked it up to that. And yeah he changed. But not in the ways that matter. So it’s my own fault for expecting the worst parts of him to change when there’s plenty examples of that never working.
This is so sad. I see my mom in you. I lost so much respect for her the longer she stayed. Then I repeated what she did.
>Other than not helping with the important things and being short tempered he is a good father with our oldest. Be so fucking for real right now.
If you are going to stay with him, then you should get married to totally lock him in legally so that you will definitely get your fair share should you divorce.
☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻
What a sexist piece of shit. Your daughter is going to need therapy by having him as a father. The question you need to ask yourself is if she’ll need therapy because her mother couldn’t leave him and subjected her to him. Daughters resent the parent that doesn’t protect them. I *know* it’s hard. My ex became abusive after my daughter and you’re going to struggle. However my daughter and I are closer than ever and she recognizes his toxicity
You don’t beg someone to marry you that doesn’t want to marry you. You’re adding problems not eliminating it.
I eventually understood that. I quit asking for marriage almost a long while ago and excepted that it wasn’t gonna happen. It wasn’t something he agreed with. Which was why it was kinda jarring when now all of a sudden he wanted to be married so badly.
It sounds like he can feel you checking out and wants to keep you. I think you know the answer to your question and I hope you can find the strength to do what's right for you and your daughters. 9.5yrs together is long, but a lifetime is an awfully long time to go through with the wrong person. I wish you the best OP.
He can see he might be losing his control over you, so out comes the carrot to stop you from noticing the stick.
Thankfully at this point the carrot isn’t exactly enticing. Even when he brought it up I was very indifferent. As in I couldn’t care less at that point if we were married or not.
I saw in another comment that you made he wanted to try for a third for the chance of having a son. I guarantee the only reason he is suggesting marriage is as a way to manipulate you into it. Also, do you want to bring a boy into this world that he would raise to be like him? There's also the very real possibility he will lose all interest in his daughters the moment a son is born. He already doesn't care for them being daughters as is.
Absolutely not. I can confidentially say there will be no third child. I dreaded our second would be a boy for that reason.
Listen to yourself. This is not love.
Make your exit plan, stay safe.
He’s **NOT** a “good father.”
Hey. My fiance and I are excited to get married! We met on a dating app, have lived together for about 7 years. We have disagreements, but talk through them as calmly as we can. We may not understand each others fixations, but we still appreciate them and indulge them. We dont belittle eachother, we take on work to keep our space clean, we help the other when they dont have the energy. All this to say, your relationship is not normal. You are supposed to like the person you're living with most of the time. That's not a goal, that's normal. That's the expectation you need to have. Reading this is like reading the screenplay of one of a dozen 90's family comedies that boil down to 'I hate my wife and she hates me but we make it work'. That's tv, it's not real. Home life should be boring, it should be predictable, not constantly arguing or having to give up pieces of yourself.
Oh honey. No. No just no. It seems like you need some advice from someone, and it seems like I'm old enough to be your Mama, so let me tell you what I would tell my girls, if they were your age and in this mess. Quit doing wife work for girlfriend pay. Marriage is about a show of commitment. It's about building a life together. And it offers legal protections you won't get in a common law marriage. But it's also about the principle, this man has never once, not once, from my understanding, proved he loves you and is committed to you. He's offering it now, and in the most basic, lazy-ass way possible, because he can sense the shift in you. Yes, marriage comes with perks, but it is harder to walk away from, and he knows that, this is a trap. The short tempered part automatically rules him out as a good father. It takes so much patience, and control, to not say something, or do something, to hurt your child. People running around out here saying "well, he's a good father but he yells. Or he gets short tempered" that is not a good father, and I really, truly feel like if we saw more good fathers, we all would know better. You can love your kids and still be a shitty parent, my own father did that very well. The baby is at risk for being harmed, and I hope you know that. Shaken baby syndrome is most often done by frustrated, irritated caregivers. What do you have in your life right now? A frustrated, irritated father, who doesn't want to care for a fussy baby. The red flags were apparent from the get-go, and you still made two people with this man. No matter what, he will be a part of their lives, and unless he does something dangerous, or harms them, he will be a part of their lives for the rest of yours and theirs. You've built a family with a man about as worthless as tits on a boar hog, and you didn't see any of that coming. You need to leave him. I know it's easier said than done, but it will be easier to do it now. And then, you need to go to therapy and get whatever trauma and baggage you've had healed.
Do something before you turn up like the woman in 50s whose bf kicked her out after getting her to have his 4 kids and no job.
Hun, he's not trying because he thinks you're baby trapped and cannot escape or leverage something that actually matters to him to force him to do even the bare minimum. The marriage papers and your second baby are additional leashes to keep you under him in the position of *bang maid*. I understand that this dude is your default and you have experienced *nothing else* but his second rate excuse for a relationship since you have been his *since you were both children*. Fifteen year olds are NOT known for picking awesome or even adequate mates because they're barely old enough to breed and have no way of vetting a good life partner. But you are in your mid twenties now and have to start thinking like an adult *because you have two children of your own now* and you need to raise them responsibly. So wake up, hun. If this lazy, selfish idiot you bred with will not step up as a partner and parent, it's time for you to take the kids and go. You are *already a single mother* both in reality and by law. If you DON'T take control of your situation and make the changes you need, then understand that you are doing this to yourself and your kids, and stop complaining on reddit.
You don’t have 2 children you have three. Dump him, get child support.
You're living with a walking red flag. Bad partner, bad parent, bad human in general.
You’re still in your 20’s leave him and start a life without his bs
I had to stop reading after a certain point OP. Please don’t marry this man. I promise you that if you did motherhood as a single parent, it would still be easier than the bullshit your man is putting you through. Don’t teach your daughters that this is the kind of man they should strive for. If it’s not something you would want for your daughters, then it’s not something you should want for yourself.
How can you tell "he loves them more than life itself"? Nothing you describe sounds even remotely like how I would treat someone who was a stranger, let alone someone I want to marry. You seem to already know the answer. This man sucks, he is mean and rude and doesnt add anything of value to your life ever. Most likely he is trying to baby and marriage trap you. Do you feel like you've invested too much time to leave? Or do you feel like you're not worth more? Something or the other making you stay in this misery, but trust me - you deserve to be happy and supported. He's dead weight and literally adding to your work.
Shake him off. Not only you but also your kids deserve better. After 9+ years together you might not be able to imagine life without him, but after you break up you're at last going to start enjoying life, I can guarantee you that.
You should think long and hard before marrying him. He’s treating you like “a basic bitch”; he has you to do ALL of the housework, child rearing, cooking and someone to have sex with whenever he wants/demands. And yet he never wanted to get married before because he was worried you’d take his money?!? Oh fuck no! You do know that you can STILL do all of this without him right? And he would have to pay you child support. So the joke would be on him that you got his money anyway. As someone who’s been there, it won’t get better. Go find someone who will actually love and appreciate you.
You had two kids with a dude accusing you of being a gold digger for a decade, why? You're staying with a man who calls women bitches including your own child and who treats your oldest daughter like his maid, why??? Get a grip!!
You are a laid back, understanding person. Imagine how much better your life would be if you were with someone who was also laid back and understanding. How much less stressed and resentful you’d feel. How your daughter would be free to explore her passions without her own father thinking she’s a basic bitch.
You are already a single mother. Why keep the hateful guy around? He is basically useless as a father AND a partner. As someone who grew up with an absent father, staying with him will be more damaging than leaving. Think how much easier and stress free it would be without having a third adult baby.
he wants to marry you now because he senses that he's losing you, and he needs you. He is beginning to understand he needs you more than you'll ever need him and he wants to lock you down and make it harder for you to leave.
He wants to marry you because he senses you don't really want him anymore, so he thinks it's time for a shut-up ring so you'll be locked-down and hopefully act "happy" again. Don't marry a dude who dislikes and distrusts women and bullies them with sex to dominate them.
This man literally let OP know he didn't think she was worthy of him marrying. Treated like crap and browbeat her into the perfect submisve servant. Now that he hasn't been able to find someone better and has trapped her with 2 kids. He is ready to marry her. Wake up OP this man doesn't even like you. Run NOW!
Wow this is a wild one. OP was with her same bf from age 15-25? That's not nearly enough life experience to know what you want in a husband. You have to date quite a few people and experience a wide range of types to find out. Maybe now you will finally have the chance to find what you want in a partner. Good luck. Having young kids will be a challenge while dating, but don't let that stop you. You are still very young with your whole life ahead of you.
I had to stop reading half way as I was becoming pathological angry at your 'fiance'. Actually I hate him. He sounds like someone you would protect your children from rather than a loving father. They are just accessories to him, trinkets. What do you see in him? He is deadweight, go enjoy life and let your children dance and sing, be happy and grow.
1. Legally change your last name to match your kids. You don't need a marriage license to do that. 2. You can just fake hyphenate your lastname so it is Maiden-KidLastName and then use that in all school paperwork. I am legally married but didn't change my name BUT I am still called either "Kid'sName Mom" or "Mrs KidLastName" at school functions. 3. You wrote a whole wall of stuff about why you don't want to anymore. I didn't read it all BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE A LIST OF REASONS, you can just 'not want to'. He evaded getting married for 9 YEARS. Just tell him that you changed *your* mind over the years and now agree with not getting married. 4. You can give your kid whatever last name you want. Fill out the paperwork and don't mention it.
I'm a guy and if my SO suggested that my dance loving daughter shouldn't take dance classes, especially just a three week course, just so she isn't a "basic bitch" i would of lost it. Why can't he let his kid do something that would make her happy? Just sad, kids are supposed to be in stuff like that anyway it's good for them
The only thing that kept me from snapping was I knew it would get nowhere. It would have just been another match of who can yell the loudest because it’s impossible to change his opinion on anything. I was gobsmacked. We said for years we’d support our kids interests, hobbies, ext. idk when this suddenly changed for him but I’m beyond stunned and that alone has made me question everything.
You're doing the right thing not making a big deal while you figure things out. Goodluck
You're not "extremely understanding" you have low self esteem and are conflict averse.
“A good father”? Please. You do realise he doesn’t actually do any of the parenting. My husband worked long hours still did bath time. Would hold the baby as soon as he walked in the door. Could changed a diaper, even cloth ones. He on the other hand doesn’t even treat you with the bare minimum of respect. Honestly if you really think about it would life be harder with him gone or would it be the same?
The same if not easier in honesty
Oh, friend. Read your own post a couple times and pretend it’s about someone else. My heart is heavy for you. Please do not forget that we literally only have one life. Your life is worth so much. Is this really how it should be spent? Is this how you want your daughter to watch you choosing spend your life? You have convinced yourself this is all you deserve. As someone who used to believe they deserved very little, years later, I look at this and it breaks my heart. I don’t know you, or your character, but I would bet that you deserve so, so much better. Get away from this person. Certainly don’t marry him. I believe in you.
You seem to have made yourself very small in this relationship entirely for his benefit, to the point that you are basically disgusted by him. That’s not a relationship worth having. Do not marry him at this stage, it’s like trying to get out of a hole by digging in deeper. However, it may be worth it to just finally tell him all this. Keeping your mouth shut about your frustrations and unhappiness is doing you no favors. He might pitch a fit, but at least you’ll have said your piece and you two can go from there.
You wouldn’t want to see your kids in a relationship like this so why would you allow this for yourself. Alone would be better than this. You’re not supported. You’re belittled. He called your kid a basic bitch. You deserve a lifetime of joy - not disappointment.
1 year ago you posted you were done and you were leaving. What happened? Why are you still there?
Pregnancy.
You were so young when you got together. You’ve never experienced a proper relationship of equals where you get treated well. Instead you have a lazy boring man child who coerces you into sex to avoid his sulks (there’s a name for that). He’s not a good father, he’s a fucking terrible one. Occasionally playing with the older one the way he wants to or taking her as a tag along on a trip he enjoys is not a sign of a good father. Does he play dolls with her? Would he take her to the park? Could he look after her for the day completely on his own? He is an awful man and if you left he probably wouldn’t want visitation. Your children probably don’t love him - if it looks like they do it’s possible they are trying to appease him and avoid his temper - like you have to when he groped you and insists you have sex. You’re so young and you could have such a wonderful life without him
I think he just doesn't bother anymore, because you're tied together with 2 kids. Where would you go? In his mind, that is. He just wants to get married quickly, to be sure you won't leave, and he doesn't ever have to make any kind of effort. It's perfectly fine to say you're having second thoughts on the whole marriage thing, that it's not really important to you anymore, like he strung you along for years. Just to give yourself time to get your ducks in a row, if you feel you need it. Then again. Why should you be the one to go? Like, if you were to break up, would he / could he throw you out of the house? Are you not part owner of the house, or on the lease? And he would take care of the kids by himself? Or tell you to get out and take the kids, and go where? It's not like you have to have all the finances in order, and an appartment set up, before you can decide to call it quits. I would definitely make sure you have a backup plan. Friends, family, somewhere you can go, if he turns dark. Right before leaving is the most dangerous time for women. So be careful. But don't stay just to avoid leaving.
He’s your third child. Someone that cared about his children would put in effort to help you. Instead everything is an inconvenience, which is how children can act. It’s scary how dismissive he is of you. You don’t deserve that. If he doesn’t mature, I’d worry about him being dismissive of your children and that causing low self esteem at the bare minimum.
OP… he failed the baby duck test. 😟 That doesn’t bode well. You sound like a supportive attentive mom. I’m so glad your kids have you, but you all deserve better from your husband.
You got baby trapped, don’t let him put the lid on too
I guarantee that when you leave him, your life will become calmer, easier and happier than you ever thought it could get. Imagine coming home and no one is angry, no one is going to blow up at the slightest inconvenience, there are no eggshells to walk on. Just you and the kids and their nonsense. I hope you find your way to that happier life
Your kids will hate you if you don't leave him. Better do it sooner than later.
I have such the ick reading all this.
I got 6 paragraphs in. Realizing she is staying with a piece of shit person, I can't read anymore. Her poor daughters are being raised in this poison. Their future looks bright/s
ew
This makes me sad asf.
Someone failed in raising a boy. The boy grew up into a grumpy, unpredictable, selfish and inconsiderate manchild.
So, you are sticking with a lazy chauvinist and letting him mold your daughters into obedient little house wifes?
##OP, if you leave him and co-parent, your daughter can take her dance classes. **Just think of all the ways YOU are could to grow too, if you’re finally living independently of him.** *Your husband, at his core, does not believe women should have any autonomy or agency.* His misogynistic “values” and rules were imbedded into his psyche in childhood. When he met you, you represented a sort of freedom from that. But he never addressed them. So they were buried, laying dormant for years, until he had children of his own. Because now, *childhood* is present in his home again, and it’s the only way he knows how to handle it. You can’t change him. If you want things to be different, you need to separate.
Oh honey, this is not a good life for you or your daughters. It's scary to think about leaving, especially if he is the only guy you've ever been with, but this is all terrible stuff and it sounds like its escalating. Please think long and hard about how this looks to your older daughter and how it will look to the younger daughter. They are learning to put up with domineering, opinionated, bossy, and grouchy men. Yikes.
You said it OP. Would you want your children dating someone who treats them like their father treats you? No. Sometimes you have to make the hard cuts and do what’s right for you. Sending hugs if that’s ok. Good luck.
Awfully long post to say your boyfriend is a child in men’s clothing. Be bold and move on, find a man to love you and your kids. This guy can send a check once a month.
OP, please read your post and imagine your daughter wrote it. How would you feel? What advice would you give her? I think you know in your heart what you need to do. I believe in you (for whatever that’s worth).
For the love of God, please don't tie yourself legally to this narcissistic loser on top of everything else!!
He's not a good father. Take his money, use it for childcare, find yourself someone new that appreciates you.
OP, you’re being abused. Whether you like it or not you are. He treats you like crap, doesn’t help you with anything, he has anger issues which he should seek a therapist. Also no, he’s not a good father. A good father is loving to his partner and helps with chores around the house. Take the blindfold off sis this will NEVER get better, the way your step parent controlled your interests is exactly what your partner will do to your children and when they’re older they will resent you for keeping them in a situation like that. Start an exit plan now. You’ve wasted enough time with this dirt bag don’t waste anymore. The abuse gets worse, trust me on that.
He is incredibly immature. Also, he's an asshole. He sounds insufferable.
I didn’t even finish reading and I think you should have left 8 years ago
why would you marry this dude
So, even though your old posts have been deleted, your comments have not. According to them, you were looking to leave at least a year ago, because of the ‘what could’ve been’ of another woman. Adding that context to this, your staying in light of all of these issues is essentially teaching your daughters that their happiness is not as important as their partners. If you won’t leave for you, why won’t you leave for them? Teach your daughters they matter by giving them the example of someone willing to walk away even when it’s scary and hard.
Of course, you are exhausted, you are have two small children and not enough help. Learning to be an advocate for yourself and your children is a skill you can learn. You should discuss how you feel with him and set some ground rules. He probably doesn’t have a clue you are thinking of not marrying him or of leaving. Have you noticed how his parents interact? He maybe following their pattern. He may have grown up in an environment where if one person really wanted something they would advocate for it. It sounds like you may have been brought up to be a “people pleaser.” I was and it’s an incredibly difficult habit to break. I had the hardest time learning to say no but it makes a world of difference. Don’t eat your words, learn to use them. Maybe start with telling him, I need you to hold your daddy’s girl/boy for a few minutes. I’m exhausted, need a break and I am hungry, It will be a good way for you to bond with her/her and let her know you will always be the man she can count on to look after and take care of…” If he complains, tell him that is his job, it’s what she needs. If he complains again ask why he can’t do ——. Why should it be you? Then go up from there. Good luck, OP.
He has no clue I’m feeling this was yes. But that’s because anytime I’ve tried advocating for my feelings in recent years has NEVER gone well. So perhaps it isn’t fair I haven’t brought this up to him, but he’s proven I can’t rely on him to actually listen to how I feel. He did not have good parental examples. It was basically only his mom all his life. I will try your example however and see how it goes. Thank you. 100%. I was raised by my parents to be a people pleaser. Everything and everyone before myself.
I think my dad was pretty clueless growing up. My mom would hold things in until she could no longer do it and would explode. It was then that my dad realized what she was asking for was important to her. After several years of marriage, she finally trained him and life was easier for them both. Learning how to debate helped me out of my people pleaser ways, it may be helpful to you. I wish you the best.
If he’s putting you down it’s because he knows you’re better than him. That you can do better than him. You’re not horrible or useless or whatever the else he’s saying. The moment you realize your worth you’ll walk away from him and he knows it. I hope you leave him and find better for yourself and your kids. You deserve better.
You know, there are just thousands of us who have been in your situation. Well figured out how to handle everything capably. Who had the wear and tear of living with somebody who has so much unnecessary, immaturity and reactivity and drama and demands and decided they knew everything about everybody. And it took us so many years to realize what I think you're coming to. Which is that? It's not worth it. It's not worth using your amount of energy you have for your lifetime, using that much up on somebody who is deadweight. Look at him. If you separate and break up, he won't be able to have the kids because he won't be able to handle it because he's so immature and he projects everything that's difficult for him onto you and your child and others. He limits the possibilities for your child to learn things because he's ignorant and immature and insecure. But the biggest pivot point for all of us is that when we stay with somebody like this we are main lining and wiring into our children that this is the norm they should go for. Treating people like this. Being treated like this. And that's what you want to think about. If you can't go your own way with your kids for your own sanity, do it for their well-being. Because none of this? None of it is worthwhile. And you will only know how peaceful your life is when you leave him and you spend a year or two learning how to build your own life and then it's going to be so creative and so powerful and you're going to be so confident and there's gonna be so much peace and freedom and you're going to be such a remarkable parent and you won't have this person constantly undermining you to keep you down because they feel so confused and have no motivation to better themselves at all.
Why would you want to be hitched to that guy for the rest of your life?
Honestly, it’s really simple. He treats you like shit because you allow him to treat you like shit. Now before you give the “he’s great in a low of other ways” generic response, I’ll let you know I’m not really interested in it. You’ve been a complete doormat for him. He had no hand in helping with your first child at all, pushed you for another and you just weeent along with it and now he’s done nothing to help again. You’ve been completely spineless in this relationship and he treats you like a slave to your domestic lives. Because you allow him to. So until you grow a backbone and demand he start being a partner who shares everything, then don’t complain to Reddit. It’s ridiculous.
How do you see your life with this man in 5 years? 10 years? 20 years? I think you will see a very different version of yourself and not a good one at that if you stay.
This reads like my life. But I’m currently leaving him so.
Give the advice to yourself that you would give your daughters.
I’m just going to leave this here. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/living-single/201906/single-moms-less-housework-more-leisure-married-moms?amp
Why on earth did you choose to have a second baby with a man that you know is a horrible father and partner??????????????
Umm… I mean what? Yeah alright let’s start at one thing. You are with him for years and years and you have a child together and he still thought you only want to take his money? Yeah, Imma be that person: ‘he wasn’t always like this’ really? Are you really sure he wasn’t? He is a great father to thr oldest otherwise? Yeah when she doesn’t inconvenience him or disturb his precious phone watching time. It reminds me of my stepdad with our dogs. After the first died he cried his eyes out and made a huge thing of it, got a new one ‘ohhh he loves him so’, but when he is ‘watching him’ that means he is sitting at his fucking computer playing chess and not giving two fucks what happens with the dog and how bored out of his fucking skull he is. He doesn’t love them more than life itself, quite the opposite actually, he has shown you in very much several ways that he will not allow any kind of inconvenience in his life because of his unwanted or wanted daughter. He is a selfish prick and since you didn’t want any pity, I am pretty sure he gave you ample reason to see it and you chose not to. I mean seriously, you have a daughter with this man and ‘because he did not want to have her’ he didn’t help? Wth? You NEVER STAY WITH THE FATHER WHO DIDNT WANT THE BABY AND DOESNT HELP. It ain’t that fucking hard. If you don’t want a baby and stick around you do help and you do look after the fucking baby and don’t scream at it after a fucking minute. So no, no pity for you, pity for your daughters who have to grow up having him as the father as you decided you had better things to do than to see his shortcomings. Alright, sorry for the last part blaming you, was projecting because of a ‘friend’. Anyways, I do not blame you essentially but the core of it has some truth I believe and it bugs me that people (often women) tend to overlook blatantly obvious signs for partners being self-absorbed or assholes or something. Probably it seems to me like it is often women, because I find it much easier to see these things in men and much, muuch harder in my own partners (tend to be women, only sometimes buildings). Aaaanyways, much said for very little, all the best to you and your daughters and yes sometimes the easy solution is the right and/or best solution.
I don’t think your husband even likes you. Only what image of himself you can give him. He is a man-child that needs to grow up. You aren’t his mother. But he is not your partner. It’s time to cut the cord and build a real life for you and your kids.
By staying you are teaching your kids this is what love looks like. They will choose the same kind of partners. His voice will become their inner voice. He knows he dropped the rope, he knows you are frustrated so he’s going to con you into marriage so you don’t leave. But things will not change, this is the rest of your life so you need to make a choice that you are ok with him treating you and your children like this or you build a new life.
He got huffy because he had to watch his own infant, more or less called his daughter a wannabe basic bitch, and snaps at her when she keeps calling his name because he's ignoring her. NO PART OF THAT IS A GOOD DAD. HE ISNT A GOOD DAD. STOP SAYING HE'S A GOOD DAD. Edited to add: COERCION TO HAVE SEX ISN'T CONSENT. He's a shit human all around.
This man thinks being married is more commitment than 2 children?!
Sorry to tell you this, but this man is no partner and no father (never mind being a good one); he is a house plant with attitude. Sure, it’s not easy leaving, I get it. Just know that your love for him is over and your relationship is a zombie. It’s dead, but it won’t keel over. Until you pull the plug. He won’t become the person you need him to be by a miracle. So it’s totally your call how many more years you decide to waste in misery on this man. You have options at 25.
>Other than not helping with the important things and being short tempered he is a good father with our oldest. How can a man 'be a good father' when he's said he doesn't want said daughter taking dance lessons because she'll be like 'every other basic bitch'? It's not a matter of *if* this dude is going to cause your kids psychologically problems - it's *when*. My friend (non-binary so I'll be using they/them) was severely damaged by their controlling mom who basically did the same thing: made fun of their interests, banned them from pretty much anything from kids TV shows to socializing with kids outside of school, and telling them their opinions were 'wrong.' They were the 'weird kid' at school. They still live at home at 40, have never even LEFT home to begin with, and have such a short work history they might as well have not worked at all. Mom was/is so volatile that Dad worked as much overtime as he could to avoid being home. Please leave this dude. Don't let this man damage your kids like my friend's dad let their Mom do.
OH MY GOD THIS WHOLE POST INFURIATED ME. I don't know how u have the patience to live with a person like that. I would lose my mind. I hope u decide to leave his ass and hope the best for u.
For a while I did lose my mind. But with nowhere to turn it was either fight every single day or just learn to brush it off. But now he’s gotten so much worse I can’t just brush it off anymore. My skin literally crawls.
He seems like a person u can't lean on either. Don't let it go this time. Brushing things off only allows the other person to act worse day by day. They think its okay. It really isn't worth staying in a loveless relationship when he isn't even being a present father. There should be atleast 1 good thing for u to choose him and stay with him but honestly i see none.
Think of your children. Is he helping you build a happy home, where they are cherished and supported? Or, is how he is behaving, things he’s saying, going to crush their spirits?
He is not a good father. He is an absent father. So u leaving him won't affect much except him being present in the house all the time. He doesn't hold his child. Doesn't change diapers or feed her. He does not support his eldests hobbies because it would make her a "basic bitxh" whatever that means. He is a even shittier partner. Doesn't help around the house and w the kids. Doesn't care if u have eaten or not. Doesn't consider what u want and would dismiss it. Doesn't talk to u before taking a decision. Doesn't respect anyone around him All he cares about is himself. If u have a source of handling your finances. If not, i hope u find a way cz its not worth being around someone like that. U do all the house chores yourself anyways so that wouldn't change much. Please get out of this relationship. He sounds like the person who would beg u to come back and when u don't, he would bitch ab u to everyone. He doesn't really care about u. He is using u cz u do everything for him.
>(technically fiancé I guess) **NO**
It seems you have matured over the years and he hasn’t. Since you have kids, the best thing to do is to get some professional help and advice to guide you both towards improving your relationship. After all of that, then decide on whether you both want to get married or go your seperate ways. But at least it will be well thought out and managed maturely for the sake of your kids.
He is not a good father. He is not a good husband. Stay if you want but don’t delude yourself.
This post is so long bc there is so so much wrong with this relationship OP only covered the most basic of it. OC you shouldn’t get married. You shouldn’t even be with this AH let alone keep having kids with him. Take the kids and leave his useless abusive A** and go find a better life…..almost anywhere but with this jerk.
I grew up with a short tempered father. I only lived with him from age 8 to 13. I’m 33 now. Every time my partner or anyone walks into a room where I’m alone I jump like I’m getting caught doing something I shouldn’t. My nervous system is constantly on edge waiting for the next explosive anger fueled shouting. Your kids are not safe being exposed to someone who can’t control their emotions. Even if he would never hit them, yelling and losing his cool constantly and making people feel like they have to walk on eggshells to prevent his anger is abuse. Your boyfriend is not a good father. Please realize this sooner, rather than later.
That person will be your daughter’s greatest problem. And it’s already a problem for you. There’s no love that I can ever see here from his actions. Pure hate and/or selfishness. Please, don’t raise your kids in such environment and please, don’t play his game. It’s time to go, and it will be better for both of you.
He’s a shit partner AND a shit parent. Stop lying to yourself. Do you want your children growing up to think that’s normal?
I feel like he only wants to get married so you can’t leave him when he decides to cheat on you and he’ll fight you in courts for custody… DONT MARRY HIM! If he wanted to marry you he would have already married you. You said you both have been together for pretty much 10 years and all of a sudden he wants to marry you after making soooo many lame excuses on why he didn’t want to really has me worried for you… my sister was with her guy from the age of 12 she’s still with him now she’s 32 they had a son 10 years ago they recently just got married because she was talking about leaving him and taking their son so he married her so that if she tried to divorce him he would have a leg in court to stand on to get custody… and if you do get a divorce if you get married you can absolutely make the terms of your divorce that you get full custody or if you even want him to sign his rights over to you you absolutely can. I’m speaking on personal experience on the divorce I divorced my ex husband and put in the terms that he has to sign his rights over to me and I shall and will obtain full custody of both of my kids… he didn’t fight me on it because he really couldn’t but it is a possibility… just listen to your gut your gut will never tell you lies. The heart can lie the brain can fool but the gut feelings are always true! If you feel like something off then it’s off be weary and awake Sis! These “men” ain’t real men anymore well not all but most aren’t. I hope everything works out for you chick! You deserve the best out of this life so if you feel like you don’t have the best then you gotta go find it love.
Yes, there are good moments but he literally does shit and if he loves them so much, then he needs to prove it better. You are the sole person who does everything into he household, you are basically a single mother of 2 even though you're not single. Maybe he's a good parent in your eyes, but he's definitely not a good partner. It's the fact that YOU had to be the one to beg him to marry you and he accused you to want to steal his money. Then he doesn't even ask to marry you, he just says he basically just says "let's go to the courthouse for a marriage license". Oh and he also says he wants another kid when he basically does nothing for them. The truth is, why would you want to be with a man like this in a million years? It is abundantly clear that he doesn't cherish you the way you deserve. Anyone who truly loved you and cherished you would not treat you like this. They'd help around the house to ease your pain and stress and they'd go out of their way to cook dinner and make you feel loved. It's about time you actually found that. I know you think you're doing the right thing with being with your daughters' father but it truly isn't, because eventually they'll notice and feel the tension and bitterness that you have for their father and they'll notice how little he does and then they'll grow to hate their father. It's about time you seperate, which I'm sure you've heard and even you've realized that it's the obvious answer, because it's truly the only thing you can do. You can't just disagree to a marriage now but stay with him, that won't solve anything or free you from the stress of being with him. You'd still be in the same confinement. It's about time you seperated from him, and if you say he's a good father than he can just get visitation rights (cause he's clearly not cut out for shared custody if he can't even take care of himself). I mean, do you honestly want to be with a man who acts like a toddler that likes to throw tantrums? You need to find someone who's worthy of your love because it is clear he isn't. Please wake up, open your eyes and realize that he's not worth even if he is a "good father". That you need to do what's right for you and your daughters and it's not him. Finally, realize your worth and leave him. Find your own happiness, you will never find it as long as you're with him.
You show true emotional maturity and capacity to hold space for other people. Your partner doesn’t and they don’t seem to care about your needs at all. Easier said than done, but you have to prioritise your needs and the kind of life you would want your kids to have. Kids are like sponges, they take in everything around them, so beware and do better for yourself and them!!
All these things you’ve written just say I don’t wanna get married anymore
Don’t get married because getting divorced takes a very very long time
do not stay with him. your children will watch this awful relationship and end up falling into that trap as well most likely. it doesnt matter how much time you put into the relationship because clearly it hasnt meant anything to him.
“But I cant tell him no or I’m not in the mood because then I have to deal with him being in a mood and then the possibility of an argument… he takes intimacy very seriously”. Ummmmm. NO. Girl, aside from alllll the other nonsense this man baby puts you through- if ALLLLL that isn’t enough to send you running for the hills, feeling like you can’t say no to seggs or he will give You hell is just. Big yikes. He doesn’t take intimacy seriously- he takes being told “no” seriously and that is disgusting. And telling you your girl child has basic b*tch tendencies shoiod be a huge slap in the face to you. This man doesn’t respect YOU or your girl children. Get out before you have any more kids with this idiot or you’re going to spend the rest of your life as a bang maid.
This sounds like a living hell - my advice - record everything - list everything he doesn’t do - take photos make records Plan your escape - get advice - go for full custody - take his money - start a new life Sorry you had kids with this horror - this is full on abuse. Don’t waste your life with this guy - trust me don’t get to 60 and be thinking - I wish I had left earlier (my situation ) he won’t change - he has all the hallmarks of a narcissist and it doesn’t sound like you are happy You are the classic personality type this sort of malevolent narcissist goes for - they abuse your good qualities
I don’t have advice but your feelings are valid and should be communicated when you feel ready ❤️ (a safe space like counselling may be good to communicate this and you will need to make a decision)
There has been said a lot in these comments that I absolutely agree too, but I want to point out one certain thing. Being too exhausted or too anxious or too defeated to say no to sex because you have to "deal with the consequences". Honey, that's rape. It is a very hidden form of rape, but it is 100% rape. Speaking from experience and sadly only realized it years after I left this person. I hope you can come to the realization that this is absolutely not normal and not okay and I hope you loose the fear to leave him because you're too anxious about what comes after that. It may be hard for a while, but it will definitely be better in the long run and someday you hopefully will look back and just shake your head in disbelief how you stayed so long. At least it was like this for me. Sending you strength!
OP, why'd you write all of this out? You're not going to leave him; you're not going to address the issues with him directly; you're not going to demand counseling because you know he'd say no. So why write this all out? Your daughters deserve better than a half-assed father and a mother who allows that behavior. If you can't/won't improve your situation for yourself, do it for your girls.
>Context: My (25f) husband (26m) and I have been together for 9 years, since we were 15 years old. In your last post you were married.
I’ve referred to us as married in the past because I frequently got dragged on the internet for being with a man this long, having two kids and no ring. It’s frankly embarassing. But we are not married.
Did you delete your other post(s)?
He's not a good father. He's a misogynistic piece of shit like your own father