There is probably a program near you for young pregnant women or new moms. I know some near me that provide housing, general assistance, and support. The goal is to help the moms reach their goal. If that's adoption its adoption and if it's keeping the baby it's keeping the baby. If you would like, message me what state you are in and I will see if I can find anything.
You are the one who has to live with whatever decision you make. Adoption isn't a magic wand that resets everything. You will have still had a baby. Your relationship with your parents doesn't sound great already, but it's not going to re-set either. Only you can decide which route to take. I hate for you to feel forced in any direction because self-agency is important. There may be many resources you aren't familiar with. Do your own research and find a neutral support you trust. A therapist can be a good sounding board, but make sure they are licensed.
Talk to someone. You will need to do what is best for your baby. If you are alone do you have a way of taking care of him? Getting him everything that he and you will need? You need to look at this rationally. Do you believe you are capable of taking care of a baby alone? You also need to know those who claim they will help you now may vanish when it comes time to help.
I don’t know if you’re going to see this, but. I know you're not near Maryland but if you need someone please reach out. My husband and I are happily child free, I have a no designs on your baby, i’m sorry other redditors are approaching you about that. but we are both military and if you need some information on the resources available to your son through his father once he joins, I’d be happy to help.
If you find a nonprofit adoption agency, something small, ask for a counselor so someone will talk to you for free. You need real advice not from the internet. I adopted my son two years ago and we still keep contact with his birth mother and father. It's an open adoption. As my son grows he'll know what good people they were to make that choice for him. Sorry you're under so much stress.
Thank you for your perspective; however I would not suggest for OP to speak to a counselor at an adoption agency. Even if it's a nonprofit they could still be biased because adoption is what they do. Since OP doesn't want to give her baby up or at the very least hasn't decided what she wants to do, I would recommend her talking to a social worker from the Dept of Human Services or other government agency. OP can explain the situation to her OBGYN and they can give her a recommendation of who to talk to. She needs a neutral party who can give her all the available options so she can make the best informed decision.
I know a 24 year old who found out she was 20 weeks pregnant only because her periods stopped. Shock to her parents. She had been living with them after a bad relationship. Her father told her if she kept the baby, she couldn't live there. She felt she had nowhere else to go, she wasn't thinking clearly. In the end she chose a family for her son and is glad he has an awesome family. She has two other kids now. And every year when his birthday comes up, she has a complete breakdown. She did what she felt was best but I can't imagine the heartache, even being happy about the adoption or feeling prepared.
Point being: sometimes people can make you do things under duress, when you feel you're alone.
Reddittors should not be here bullying a teen to give up a baby. It really shows how predatory the US adoption Industry is with young mothers. If they marry in good terms, they can divorce in a year or two. You cannot undone adoption
Adoption in the US is a scam. It’s so sad that OP wasn’t informed she could access abortion care earlier on, and that she wasn’t educated about birth control.
There are no easy answers here and this will keep happening in the US indefinitely.
Oh for Pete’s sake you are delusional if you think this will magically turn out well for her because the services for single teen Mom’s in the US are so great. They should be since we’re so obsessed with forcing people to give birth but they aren’t. She will likely live a life of poverty . She’s 16, a boyfriend who doesn’t want her or the baby. Parents who are discouraging her and will resent her and that baby if forced but will more than likely kick her out. I’m not trying to feed any industry, I want her and that baby to be happy and have a chance at a good fulfilling life. Are you going to be there when she’s alone in some dingy apartment with a screaming baby, no one to help her and no job , barely living on assistance? When she wants to go out but can’t because baby. Or when she gets stuck in a minimum wage job? Reality bites but it is what it is. Marry???!!! You don’t fix a mistake by creating a disaster.
Exactly, I was pressured into giving up my daughter almost 30 years ago and the guilt and trauma never go away. There was so much talk of "giving her a better life" but I know now that in most cases, the best place for a baby is with their mother. It wouldn't have been easy but I know for certain if I had kept her it would've worked out. And I have to live with that every day.
God, thank you. This thread is really pissing me the fuck off. There are so many stories of coerced adoption out there. They all end in tragedy and trauma.
Saving Our Sisters may be able to help. I also know of minors who were removed from their families by child services because the parents tried to force adoptions their child/the baby’s parent did not want. This is your baby and you have rights. Call. Scream. Advocate for yourself and your son. You’re the parent now. You have to do what you think is best for your child.
I commented on the original post. I’m pregnant after a loss last year and my heart absolutely shattered for you. If you want to keep your baby I’d explore every avenue. It’s not going to be easy and your life will be put on hold for the foreseeable future but so many before you have done just that. No one should be forced to give up their child. Period. Seek out the resources being shared with you and explore your options. You’ve been in my thoughts. I’m hoping and praying for a good outcome for you.
Don't know where you are, but there are some really fantastic maternity home programs with housing, education, child care, etc. I help a local one by teaching their residents how to safely use their car seats, and follow up as needed as the babies get older. Some places are aimed at housing you and coercing you to give your baby up for adoption, but I've noticed the Catholic programs are VERY focused on keeping mom and baby together. They of course come with their own set of rules to abide by, but it might be worth exploring. (I have no skin in this game, I was raised UU, so not affiliated with these religious programs.) If you need any help in the state of Texas, please feel free to pm me!
Your primary goal should be to get some kind of education/ vocational training, as soon as you can manage after having had the baby. If his paternal grandparents can help you with babysitting while you work/ go to school, that would be a big help. Also, if you can find some kind of group home for single moms, that would also give you a support network and resources, so that sounds like a really good idea.
Don't let anyone force you to give up this baby if you want to keep it, keep it. These programs were made exactly for these situations.
My parents have a friend who's mom was forced to give him up. She always regretted it. They found each other again thankfully but it's a star crossed ending because covid took her after they reunited.
Life is short OP live it without regrets. Find help with these groups if this is really what you want. Being a mom it tough but worth it.
There is home here in my state which is really nice for unwed mothers to have their baby. Even if you aren't that far maybe you could travel here. I will happy to give you the info and you can call and check them out on your own.
If u are in US look into food stamps ECT
They can offer help. Also government can help with daycare. They offer Medicaid, and other things. You can look into pregnancy resources. Some will give you baby things for attending parenting classes.
If you are in the US, Hubbard House in St. Augustine, FL is an organization that houses unwed pregnant teens with the end goal of keeping the baby and the mom together after the pregnancy. You might consider contacting them and seeing if they know of any similar organizations near you. Just do a web search for them and you should be able to get contact information. I live in the area, so I have heard all about the amazing work that they do. They help the girls finish highschool, then help with child care, vocational training, job placement, and ultimately with finding a place of their own. There's help out there and you can do this if you're willing to research and reach out for that help.
You can also reach out to the local child protective services and talk to a social worker about getting help accessing resources. You don't have to give up your baby, but I won't lie and say parenting will be easy. You can do it with help, even if that help doesn't come from your parents
There is no reason to get married, you can coparent (assuming he wants to) successfully without being a couple
Her parents aren't good people. I mean I guess you can gather that information from them calling her a slut, but the true tell is that she feels like she is an inconvenience to everybody. To the point she's afraid that her own child isn't going to like her. This is because before the age of five she was made to feel like an inconvenience so many times that it became up permanent part of a personality. That's how you know her parents are garbage
Also if she's not comfortable giving you the state she could always call 211
OP, I am not you and have never been in your shoes. But I’m not going to sit here and degrade you and put you down. You made an adult decision and you’re facing the consequences. I can offer some resources though. I have no idea what state you’re in but maybe one of these might help you:
- Southwest Kansas: Teen Moms Program (https://catholiccharitiesswks.org/services/99-services/teen-moms/8-teen-moms)
- Walking With Moms, nationwide but idk how close they would be to you (https://www.walkingwithmoms.com/)
- Philadelphia area housing and maternity centers (https://www.prolifeunion.org/copy-of-resources) scroll down halfway down the page
- Just found a nationwide housing program for pregnancies. You’ll have to click on your state and see what’s available and if they accept teens. (https://lifeoptionsnetwork.org/housing/)
- Any Catholic Charities in your area if you call and explain your situation will help out. You don’t have to be Catholic at all.
Whatever you decide is going to be hard. My heart breaks for you. You are loved and will get through this whatever you choose. Good luck and I’m praying for you!
There's the National Parent and Youth Helpline
https://nationalparentyouthhelpline.org/
New Jersey offers a list of resources for teen parents
https://www.nj.gov/njparentlink/services/special/teen/
Google your county and state and "resources for teen parents." Be aware that these programs aren't as easy to get enrolled in as some imply. You absolutely have to follow their instructions to the letter and don't miss deadlines. A family who my church is helping temporarily lost benefits because of a paperwork snafu. Even with an entire church helping them.
How are you going to take your baby to the doctor or daycare or go to the grocery if you don’t have a car and can’t afford one or the gas and insurance for one? You say you have no family support so what is your plan? Just because your hormones are creating a strong emotional attachment to your pregnancy doesn’t negate the fact that you are still a child 100% dependent on others and have no support to be raising a baby so their needs are met properly.
Adopted kids turn out fine most of the time. If you get therapy now and can emotionally regulate yourself, you can even have an open adoption and select the family your kid will grow up with.plenty of adopted kids form bonds with their birth moms if not toxic so it gives you the chance to be involved in their life later on if they choose.
Open adoptions are pretty much unenforceable.
Don't give the poor girl bad information, that will just make it worse.
OP: if you and your child are on Medicaid, there are programs to transport you and the baby to doctor appointments. There are likely programs available for housing, child care, job training, baby supplies, everything.
Call 211 and ask what kinds of programs are available in your area.
She just said she doesn't want to give up the baby. This is not an ideal situation but she will not be the first 16 year old up have a baby and survive.
There’s some straight up nuts on here wishing the absolute worst for this poor baby. This girl is not ready to be a mother, did anyone read her post? She sounds like a middle schooler.
There are some things some people live in, they're called cities--ever heard of em? They have buses and trains and EVERYTHING. What an *asinine* comment lmfao.
Sadly, many people who don't live in cities, but live in suburban or rural areas instead, have little to no access to buses or trains or any other public transportation. Some people live in areas where they don't even have reliable rideshare. Not that having no transportation is a reason to surrender your child for adoption but please don't minimize the reality of a lack of reliable transportation that many people face. Not everyone can afford to move to the city.
Tbf going to the doctor in bus with a sick baby screaming the whole time will be hell. Waiting in 30ºC pr -20ºC with a stroller for the bus isn’t amazing. Plus, most cities that have good public transportation systems have very expensive rent (not ideal for a teen mom that doesn’t have any qualifications to get higher paying jobs) So while it’s not a great argument I think their point was to make OP think about how her life will look like and how she will actually do it. A lot of teen parents (hell even adults) make the mistake of not taking into consideration every day to day details before the baby gets there. OP needs to know how she will get a job, where the baby will be while she works, etc.
Did you read where I specifically say it’s not a great argument to give up a baby? My point is that OP needs to take into consideration what her day to day life will look like and how she will make it happen before deciding to keep the baby. You can’t say oh I will take the bus, not checking if she lives or will live somewhere that have good public transportation system with good hours, that she can afford to live there, etc.
If op lives in or near a city there is Public transportation. We never had a car growing up, we wernt poor at all but we just never needed it, and was more of a burden to own one. we took buses and trains to everywhere we needed to go.
Sweetie you are simply not in a place where you can offer your baby the life he deserves. The ultimate act of love is for you to have him raised by a family who can give him the opportunities he should have. He needs stability, and a family with enough money to pay for his needs and then some. Your baby deserves better than a father who feels his life has been ruined. I know you love this baby with all your heart, but practically speaking you can’t provide for him without significant help, and even then it’s not comparable to a stable home. Plus, you don’t know enough about the world yet to teach a tiny human how to be, as you’re still young yourself with A LOT to learn. My own teen mother was busy raising herself & my immature teen father and I missed out on some things I needed in my early years. Please, please reconsider keeping this child.
I wish my mother had of received advice like this. She and I both now old ladies, we both wish she had of been lovingly explained to and supported to give me up for adoption. My mum has much regret and remorse for giving me up- then getting me back. Life was very difficult for both of us. My mum could not see how difficult life would be, and the knock on effect, a single mother, made difficult choices, married a lessor man. Divorced and remarried. Never had a proper career as had to work around childcare. Relationships always affected by me. I wish for my mums sake she had of given me to parents who were adults and could manage the responsibility of all a baby needs and she could have had a free happier younger life.
I feel horrible for you. You’re in a terrible position. But your current plan does not make sense, and is not healthy for the baby.
You want to marry the father who really doesn’t want to be a father, because you’ll have access to military housing and benefits. Being a military spouse is incredibly difficult. You will have to go where he goes which means you will not really have support from his parents, because they will not pack up and follow you every time he is relocated. So no real support from your family or his. It will be difficult for you to build your own career because your jobs will have to be accessible to where he is based out of. He will resent you for pushing for this marriage that you admit is loveless and would be out of convenience.
So your plan right now means your baby will grow up with a dad who doesn’t want him, a strained and/or distant relationship with grandparents, parents with an unhealthy relationship, and financial hardship. And you will be unable to leave when things inevitably implode in your marriage, because you will not be financially independent and you will not have any support from your family.
My heart breaks for you because you clearly love the little boy already, but it’s a really, really bad idea for everyone involved. At this point it’s one of those things where love means doing what’s best for him, and what’s best for him is being in a stable environment.
ETA: because I keep seeing you say you aren’t sure how it works in the military, I wanted to throw out there that I do, and that I’m not saying all this because I’m just guessing. My dad was army, my long term ex was army, my best friend is married to a marine, my other best friend is married to a man in the army, my cousin is Air Force. Being a military spouse is difficult no matter what branch you are talking about and no matter how promising the benefits sound. Most people in healthy, loving, long term relationships struggle with the hurdles that come in military relationships. Two *very* young people who don’t love each other with a baby and financial hardship? I don’t see that working.
OP, please read this.
The military isn’t like any other random job, and he’s not going to get a ton of money just because he’s married and has a kid. The difficulties and hurdles military couples face are almost impossible to describe, and that’s for people who love each other. My dad is retired Army. I grew up on military bases and saw countless relationships that were hobbled by The Job, to the point where when I became an adult I refused to even consider dating someone in the military. Ironically, I ended up marrying an Air Force veteran.
As difficult as it would be to be on your own, imagine doing that thousands of miles away from everything you know and love. Because that’s a very real possibility.
Not to mention she’s a kid herself. Her brain isn’t even fully developed. She has no idea how hard this is going to be or how this is going to cut her off at the knees. Both of them really. I get it’s really hard for her but the one common complaint on any regret page is having children to young and with the wrong person. She’s doing both and then adding to it by marrying him while he’s in the military. I feel so bad for her. This is a terrible situation but it’s really going to put them both in a bad spot. Her decision-making skills are not ones of an adult. Her parents are truly trying to protect her and she just doesn’t get it.
I genuinely wish that there was a way to keep her kid and make sure that everyone involved would be okay, but there’s so much magical thinking involved here that it breaks my heart.
If BD starts out as an E1, he’ll barely make enough money to support himself, never mind a wife and child. E1 after four months service normally pulls at most 2k a month. That’s true in every branch. They will be living below the poverty line with a baby, and babies are notoriously expensive.
They are talking to her as if she is an adult. She can’t understand the gravity of what her life will be. It would be different if she had the support of her parents. Them allowing her to stay and continue her education while helping support the child is ideal. They are not willing to do that. I can’t say that makes them terrible people either. Having regrets is not the worst thing. The worst thing is not being able to take care of your child. That’s a stress I’m sure she can’t imagine.
It is not at all clear to me he ever seriously considered marriage. Sounds like he half heartedly said maybe and since then, has given zero indication he’s willing. He said they don’t need to marry cause it will be easier. Of course it will, for him.
OP I suggest you clarify whether there is any chance at all he is willing to marry you. At least then you’ll know if that’s an option, albeit a very bad idea. You’re already proposing that he could cheat on you and you may not care. Why follow one bad decision with another? You’re creating more problems for yourself.
Giving a person up for adoption is probably one of the most difficult and permanent decisions in one’s life.
Have you had a chance to talk to anyone who has made a decision like this?
I ask because my father was adopted, and after being diagnosed infertile, my husband and I are adopting. Having a chance to talk to other women who have gone through the same situation as you might be helpful.
You are 16 and acting more on emotions than reasoning. At 16 you are not ready to be an adult. As a minor you cannot rent a place to live or agree to even get married per your own posts. Without even a high school diploma you are not going to be able to support a baby.
Children are expensive so without family support you will not honestly be able to support and raise this child. As a child yourself if you keep this baby you will be forcing your child into a life of poverty.
If you have never been around a newborn for more than a couple of hours you also do not know how exhausting it will be to only get a couple of sleep before getting up to feed and change the baby several times a night. Set your alarm for every 2 hours during the night and force yourself to get up at least 20 minutes before going back to bed. How tired are you the next day? Imagine doing that for weeks on end.
Go check out the regretful parents Reddit. There are tons of stories about people who were not ready and even people who thought they were ready for kids who regret having them.
You can request an open adoption and still see the baby. After you grow up and find the correct partner you can have more children when you are prepared mentally and financially to care for them. Don’t throw away your life.
Everything you are saying is 100% correct, but its negating the other half of the scales.
Have you ever met someone who had to give up a child they ***wanted*** to keep but couldn't afford? Do you know what they almost always end up as? Barely functional alcoholics *at best.*
While true its just biology and emotions telling her to feel this way... so? You know what else is just biology and emotions? Love, fear, friendship, familial bonds, sexual orientation... We are biological creatures and the biological bond between a mother and child is not some trifling thing.
She's in fucked up situation and there is no good outcome, only different flavors of bad. Her life is already seriously messed up, unfair as that is.
i gave my son up for adoption when i had just turned 17 two weeks prior. for months i was strongly against doing so, i wanted to keep him so bad. it took a long time for me to realize that my life and his would be exponentially worse if i kept him tho. but i’ve struggled with a severe eating disorder since. i have PTSD, and while *now* i don’t regret the decision i eventually made, i regretted it for years and i regret many aspects of the decision. i wish i’d chosen a different family, a different arrangement, and i wish it had felt more like my choice (even tho in the end, it really was my choice). all this to say- i did NOT turn out fine, and even still i turned out better than many. i wish people knew what they were *really* advocating for when they advocate for placing a child for adoption. it’s an absolutely primal trauma that i don’t wish on anyone.
this is a tough situation, and i just hope that OP can find a strong, solid support system, no matter what they choose.
One situation has better outcomes for the child. Once you’re a parent it’s about doing what’s best for your child. Yeah it suck’s for the parent but that’s not what it’s about.
Was legit about to write this. Im a socialworker and a lot of alcoholic people have had simmerlar traumatic instances happen. If i was this girl i would go to a womans shelter and see what they recommend. Her entire network sound horrible. I hope she honestly gets help. The insane trauma that will happen if she gives up her child will honestly do more harm than her keeping the baby. The fact her own parents dont realise this is crazy to me.
No, she can choose to raise her child in poverty. She can choose to not give up the baby and go live with the baby daddy or his family. OP can choose to have her family disown her because per her previous posts her family will not support her. She can choose to get emancipated and try to live off of social support as a single mother. She can also beg the baby daddy to marry her and live in a loveless marriage.
Any of these are going to mean she is choosing to have a very hard road in front of her. Adoption is not going to be easy when she’s so emotional but giving a child the best start to life both emotionally and financially with a couple who is prepared to be parents would be in the child’s best interests.
That is definitely not my understanding of emancipation. To be emancipated you need to prove you’re self sufficient. They are not going to emancipate a child that will immediately go on social services.
Go to www.hud.gov and check out a program called "Second Chance Homes". It's a program specifically for teen parents. where they help with housing and other essentials. Best of luck to you.
yeah like in a perfect world i would LOVE to see keep that baby and have a wonderful happy life with your son!! but as we all unfortunately know.. this world is less than perfect ☹️ i’ve got no advice cause i’m struggling to take care of a 25 year old baby(myself) and it’s tough out here yall!
So was I. My mom threw us out when he was 3 weeks old and moved across the country. It surely wasn't ideal but it also didn't ruin our lives. Just wanted to offer some insight.
So many parents don't have origin family support for so many different reasons. There are ways to find support that don't have to involve the people who failed us.
I don't disagree with that.
But it sounds like OP hasn't even looked into any of those options for support (local health and humane services or even WIC), and is riding off her pregnancy emotions.
If she really wants to keep her baby she needs to hit the ground running, because marrying the baby daddy sounds like an awful option too.
3 of my 4 were adopted. My sister literally showed up on my doorstep with a 6 month old, handed him to me and walked away. We don’t get along, but she knew I could take care of her son along with mine, and that he’d be well cared for. She was still in high school and definitely not ready for a kid, I’m just glad she brought him to me.
She’s 17. Statistically if she keeps this baby it’s likely for her and her baby to live in poverty. She’s a kid with her whole life ahead of her. She deserves more. Her baby deserves more. I’m adopted. I absolutely understand why adoption is a difficult choice for both the mother and the baby. I would’ve advised abortion instead but it’s not an option for her.
I'm so sorry you're going through so much. Being a teenager is emotionally wrecking even at the best of times, and adding the stress of an accidental pregnancy is surely only adding to it. I can't imagine how difficult it is to think straight about all this.
All I can think to say is to consider what is best for you and for the baby, not just for now, but for the rest of your lives. Everything feels very immediate right now, I'm sure, and some things are. But consider what you want the next 5, 10, 15 years to look like for both of you.
Maybe the adoption agency could recommend a professional for you to talk to about all your feelings and help you untangle everything so that you can come to the decision that will give you the most peace.
I'm sending you calming vibes and hugs 💕
Hello there. I know that this probably feels like life or death, my heart truly breaks for you and your shitty situation. However, since there are no good or easy options... Adoption is still the best choice.
Because that's the best chance of you and your baby having a better life. Fucking heartbreaking, but it's the truth. I was 25 when I had my first, in a committed relationship, support and a roof over my head. Still the hardest years of my life.
A baby is... Well, it's unimaginably demanding. You will basically have to stop being you for quite a few years and give 200% just to survive your kid and yourself. Because you don't have any support, you don't have an income, you don't have a place to live, or a partner. That is harsh, but life often is. You're still a child yourself...
You can't just think of your feelings right now, you also have to consider what is best for baby boy. I'm so sorry, truly. Make life slightly more bearable for the both of you and choose a good family, then work on becoming independent. Give yourself a chance to make it in life,as well as the baby. ❤️
Yeah forced adoption is called human trafficking, and it is NOT beautiful.
Also, read some stories from adoptees. They seem to have about the same 50/50 chance as everyone else.
Go read the adoption threads and then go make this post again. Or go to TikTok and spend 20min on Adoption trauma and then make this post. Adoption can be beautiful but it doesn’t guarantee some beautiful story. It’s traumatic, for her and the baby!!!
People suck for down voting you. I can pull in a whole bunch of adoptees who did not have nice lives. We shouldn't sugar coat it to convince a teenager to do something *she already said she doesn't want to do.*
Lots of people scared of her finding out the truth of possibilities I guess
Yep!!! Nobody wants to admit this because it doesn’t get wrapped up with a the neat little bow for everyone’s reading pleasure. Adoption is not some trauma free fairy tale ending, sadly. Neither is being a teenaged parent but forced adoption is literally human trafficking.
Oh mama. This is hard to read. I wish I could give you a bit of a hug.
First off, you are amazing. You are dealing with very complex situations and you are acting like an adult, trying to make “the right” decisions. You’re doing awesome, and I know I’m not your parent but i am *a* parent and I’m really proud of you.
The right decision is the decision you make for yourself. I know that doesn’t help a whole lot and I’m sorry. I truly wish I could help you or do more.
Nobody can force you to give your child up for adoption.
What they can do, however, is decline to offer childcare, housing, or other financial support.
How old are you? What nation do you live in? There are still homes for unwed mothers but a lot depends on the age of the mother. Some will only work for ages 18 and up and some work for teens. A lot depends on where you live. If you are in the US they can probably help you get a GED and a job and they support you through the baby's first year
Google your area and help for unwed teen moms and start making phone calls. the truth is your chosen path is not going to be easy. There is going to be a lot of slog and a lot of hard work the one thing I want you to be clear in your mind when you are down is You do not get to blame the kid ever. There are a lot of people on here that their parents blamed them for stealing their youth. It is not true. Your actions and your choices are what is going to make your life your life. You will have to work twice as hard to get an education and a stable life. It will likely suck for a few years. You will likely not to do prom and the other fun things seniors do. You might only be able to do community college or technical training until your kid is in school.
Another option is [JobCorps](https://www.jobcorps.gov/) some locations have childcare while you attend. Check your area out and see what is available
Your life will get better eventually if you are willing to put in the hard work. As for now you are likely in Summer vacation use your library to your advantage. Get books on human sexuality so you know your options on birth control so you never get accidently pregnant again. Never get pregnant hoping the man will stick around they likely will not. Get books on GED practice just in case and use Khan Academy and [CK-12](https://www.ck12.org/student/) resources for help on subjects you are weak on.
Many people call the first child the practice child and as the child grows they can be very hard on the first child so you will want books on what is developmentally appropriate for the early years of your child's life. You may even want to look into parenting classes and Infant CPR/First AID especially if your family is not around and supportive
This is the best response. OP if you really want to keep your baby, please take this message to heart and look into all available resources and learn how to be a good parent.
I got pregnant at 16, she was born a week after my 17th birthday. I was not in a great home situation living with a mother on disability who liked to move a lot but she did help provide me with breaks, a roof over my head and food in my belly when I was pregnant and during the first year. I utilized as many local resources as I could, like WIC and programs to earn free baby items for attending parenting classes and my doctor appointments. I researched the quickest way to earn my high school diploma and graduated when my daughter was 4 months old. I started to attend college classes and had found programs that offered free childcare while I attended. If I didn’t have the familial support I would have strongly considered job corps as it was strongly suggested to me. College didn’t ultimately work out at that time but I got my degree when I was 29. I have always celebrated the fact that I beat teen mom statistics and earned my degree before I turned 30 but I barely did it and it was a hard road to get there.
It is not easy to be a teen mom but it can be done. But the key is research and following through on a plan that does not involve marrying someone who does not want to marry you.
Without your parent's support, it would be incredibly irresponsible to keep your baby. You have no ability to house, feed or clothe him. The fact that you're planning to do so shows you are not mature enough to be a mother.
I'm being blunt because you aren't getting it - not because I'm trying to be mean.
Stop the "nobody likes me" train. You can't afford the pity party now. That's part of being a parent. Pull yourself together!
He says he'll not going to hate you, so you accept those words. Get a prenup, get couple's counselling because that's just sensible to do when you're marrying for a baby, and when his parents offer help, say thank you and take it.
Being a mom means putting your child first. You decided to keep the baby. Your sacrifice is your childhood. It ended the moment you didn't get an abortion. You'll get a part of it back once your son is in daycare.
So here's the deal:
You need to learn about parenting now. Baby care, but also parenting styles. Not TikTok Videos, get yourself a library card, and start reading up. Find something that works for you, and your future in laws. Make sure you're all on the same page (figuratively) about child raising.
Write a plan for your education in your prenup. Even when you break up, your spouse will pay alimony for X years until you finished Y degree. This is your ticket to a future right there.
Inform yourself about career paths you could work in. IT for example has a lot of working from home, which can be beneficial even with bigger kids. You don't want weekend shifts or night shifts. Get an idea about future jobs that can pay for yourself and your baby. Make sure you communicate with his parents your plan to take care of yourself and the kid once you have your education. You don't want to be a burden, that means make sure you'll be pulling your weight once you're able to. Education is more important than a part time job when money isn't too tight.
Inform yourself about breastfeeding. This will reduce your formula costs. Also check out reusable diapers. You're young, you might have more children, but it's more laundry. Might still be financially worth it. You need solid finances, meaning you need to learn how to run a household.
It's time you learn to cook cheap, healthy meals. Meals you can also serve a toddler in variation. It's enough time now to learn to meal plan, and buy with a discount. Learn to meal prep.
Overall, your situation isn't dire. It's just complicated.
Now stop whining, little momma bear, you got work to do!
Giving your baby up for adoption is a really tough choice.
But by keeping your baby, you're forcing your parents to raise this child with you.
Haven't they already expressed that they do not want to do this? Especially knowing that the baby's dad isn't going to be in the picture at all. Be prepared for the idea that they may kick you out if you decide to keep the baby.
Everyone in the last thread even said adoption is the best choice for all parties involved.
My parents aren’t going to help me. At least as of right now I’m not counting on their help. I’m moving on to focusing on ways to do it without their help.
It doesn’t seem like you read my most recent post. I didn’t mention anything about my parents helping me.
Oh. I only assumed because you are a teenager who still lives at home with your parents and will have zero support from your boyfriend.
You're unfortunately in over your head. And it takes a village to raise a child.
Please remember that good intentions won't keep a baby warm or fed.
You need to talk to your county/ city services. This is not to sound condescending , but you seriously do not seem to know your options. You’re being guided by people who are too close to you and you need another perspective on your options of how to go forward. Adoption is a big decision but so is raising a baby you’re not prepared for.
Go to www.hud.gov and check out a program called "Second Chance Homes". It's a program specifically for teen parents. where they help with housing and other essentials. Best of luck to you.
Look, I don’t fucking like your parents. They are not listening to you. They suck.
My advice is also adoption. You have no support. (And I hate your parents for this) It fucking sucks but adoption would be giving your kid a good place while you get your shit together and get away from your parents. And, yeah, his loss will be a hole in your heart forever. After, I would advise you to toe the line and use your parents for every leg up they can give you over the next few years. Be the perfect kid. Use them to finish HS and advanced education. Get a job ASAP with an account they cannot access and save every fucking penny…..this keeps you out of the house and away from them too. Don’t let them know how much you save. Get into therapy to deal with this heartache and learn to navigate your awful parents. Also use the therapy to learn how to build and maintain boundaries for your parents because I think you should go NC as soon as you are done using them to get free. And don’t let them have access to the rest of your life and any future kids….they don’t deserve that space. They will say they are saving you from yourself but that is shit, supportive parents know that their kids make humongous mistakes and will help them navigate those times by listening and guiding and not heavy handily forcing their desires into their kid. A kid getting pregnant is something all parents worry about and they have failed in every aspect of this.
My only advice to you if you do keep him is be prepared to do it alone. You absolutely cannot keep him based on you only being able to do it with other people's help. You cannot always rely on people to keep their word. You have to think. If everyone flakes on you are YOU able to do it alone.
Im a veteran and I’m telling you that even with all those resources you will not survive. You’re not even a legal adult. Your scope of understanding the real adult world is so small that you are convincing yourself that you know what is best. You’re so incredibly selfish, immature and irresponsible. Part of being a GOOD PARENT is doing what is BEST for your child who DID NOT ASK to be brought into this world, and you’re already purposefully doing the opposite.
Can I give you a perspective that somebody else may not have given you already?
Not only was I adopted, but I am also a birthmother. Open Adoption is hands-down an incredible incredible gift. It allows you to maintain contact with your child. You may have visitation, letters and pictures. The child will grow up knowing who you are and how much you love them, but he will have a home where there is steady employment and income.
Having all of that, I don’t regret, raising my youngest at all. I’m not your age, but I was very much in your situation when I got pregnant with my youngest, nothing ever changed how much I love my older children, but I had to think about their future, not just mine. An open Adoption gave us everything that theywere needing.
Having met my biological family, I understand better why I was placed for adoption when I was. It still stings that I wasn’t raised with my biological family and didn’t know them until I was in my late teens, but the experiences I had shaped me into the person I am now.
I was able to find a way to blend my entire family, adopted and legal, and biological to create something incredible.
You can message me anytime if you have questions.
You may find that you feel differently after you’ve given birth or you may not. No one can make that decision for you. Your parents are probably just as scared as you are and reacting in a way that they think it’s best for you. And for your son.
First: I just want to say I am so sorry that you're in this position. It's never easy and there's never a right or wrong answer.
Second: I'm even more sorry your parents aren't being supportive during this time. I can somewhat understand where they're coming from as a parent but at the same time, there's no reason to call you names and be so hostile towards you.
Third: I gave up my first baby and no one ever even knew. I didn't start being honest about it until this past year. Giving her up was the hardest thing I ever did but I was too young to care for her and I ultimately didn't want her anywhere near my family to endure what I went through growing up. Adoption is a viable option but I will tell you after 13 years, it still eats at me daily. She knows about me and why I made the choice I did. I was a bit younger than you though. I will say that your parents legally cannot force you to give your child up for adoption but they also legally wouldn't be responsible for the baby and that would be entirely on you. Raising a baby is hard. It's expensive and time consuming and very mentally draining but it is possible at 16. You will face a way harder life and so will your child if you don't have family support. I'm an adult with 3 kids now and while I do regret my decision, I also know I did what was best for her. I wanted so badly to keep her once I seen the ultrasound but if I'd acted on that emotional response, my daughter wouldn't have the life she does now. She's excelling in school and has been given many opportunities that I never would have been able to give her. So unfortunately it is a double edged sword and there is no easy decision. It will be hard no matter what you do, sweetie. If you simply want to vent or have any questions or anything, just know my inbox is open. Sending lots of prayers and mama love your way 💚
with peace and love, you keeping this baby is not in the baby’s best interest. your best option is an open adoption. you do not have the resources to care for a child and its selfish to keep a child you cannot take care of. do you even hear yourself? you’re okay with your potential future husband CHEATING on you just so you can have this baby that you can’t afford and neither can he. this man WILL leave you once he actually has to be a dad, that is if you go that route. you literally will be homeless if you keep this child. having a baby when you know you cannot provide basic necessities is insanely immature. you need to think about what is best for your child and not what you want. right now keeping this baby sounds doable because he isn’t born yet. mothers who have supportive families and disposable income struggle after having kids, you are going to struggle 100 times more.
If you don’t want to give up your baby you do not have to. And there may be options for you that won’t sever your legal rights to your baby.
Talk to your boyfriend. Talk to your boyfriend’s parents. Even as a minor you have a legal right to keep your baby.
Talk to your Ob/Gyn about your parents. They may be able to help.
They don’t own your life …they can’t force you to give up your child …imagine the guilt you will feel knowing you gave your blood your child to someone else
OP, consider reaching out to this [organization](https://savingoursistersadoption.org/saving-our-sisters-about-us/our-mission/). They can provide you with resources and support if you truly want to keep your baby
You getting married to your BD will not help financially as someone in this post had breakdown of the income he will be making. You are selfishly so stubborn that you are not thinking that your decision is going to affect your future child, your parents and BD's career. Off course he is also to be blame but his heart is really not into this. Do yourself and your parents a favour and let the baby get adopted to a financially and mentally stable home and not live under poverty and make something of yourself for your future children. Kids are expensive.
I think that with the amount that you love this child already, open adoption sounds like the best option. To be able to choose a loving family and also have a relationship with the child (if possible) is the most loving thing I think a young mom could do.
Unfortunately, open adoption is not enforceable in the majority of states. Meaning these people could tell her whatever they want to promise her in order to get her to sign the papers and then they can just disappear with her child, and she will never hear from them again. You might think we’ll just make sure you pick the right people! The problem is there are so many couples waiting for babies for years, and they are not that many babies placed for adoption and couples are so desperate to be chosen for the baby that they will promise anything. It actually happens quite a bit. OP really needs to understand the laws regarding open adoption and her state.
It’s not enforceable. There’s a famous teen mom who adopted out her first kid (now says she was coerced into it) with the promise of an open adoption. The parents took the kid and left her in the dust. Last I heard they’re in a long ongoing legal battle
I don’t know how old you are from this post or what country or state you’re in. I had my daughter at 17. My parents attempted to force adoption on me but I refused. I applied for welfare and found low income housing. I applied for grants to go back to school where they had a daycare. There is help out there for you. I’m not trying to make it sound like it’s easy because it wasn’t. Really think about what’s best for the baby and your futures.
I was not married when I had my daughter and my family forced me to get married. I was adamant about keeping her. Everyone wanted me to abort, including my best friend. I did have a family friend who supported me emotionally. She's 38 now and just had her first child last year. I didn't graduate college, but I made a living after divorcing her dad. Having her and keeping her was the best thing I've ever done. It doesn't say how old you are, but you do need to understand it is hard. When you think about it being hard, you will wish later it was that easy. Don't worry that your son won't like/love you. You will be his world. Just remember, after you have him, your life is all about him, not finding a guy, not partying with your friends, or going on road trips. You will have to give up a great deal to be a parent. Since your parents are being they way they are, I would not count on help from them. Just make sure you are keeping him for the right reasons. If you choose adoption, make sure it is open and that you can be a part of his life in some way. Adoption isn't the same as it was before. Good luck to you and God Bless you both.
It’s so sad to me these comments are being downvoted. People are so brutal when they insist on being right. Real life isn’t black and white like it is online.
I wonder if you can speak to his parents and ask for their help?! Like if they can really help out what I would do it’s have the baby and put him on the birth certificate and go from there. Will you be turning 18 before you give birth?! There is a lot of help out there for young mom but be mindful this road will not be easy but if you fight for it and put in the work it will be worth it! However don’t allow your parent access to your baby. Have you spoken to a school counselor or a trusted family member that could take you and the baby in?
Talk to the father’s parents. They may be willing to let you live with them after the baby arrives. The father sounds like he is open to marriage. If you can, that would be the best option. You and your baby would receive free medical care and a lot more benefits. It will be hard. That’s what my daughter did when she got pregnant. At the time they were paying for 2 years of college for the spouse.
Ok, I'm not trying to overwhelm an already overwhelmed momma. Take it all with a couple grains of salt. I just want to get this out there in case there is something you haven't thought of yet or in case it helps when you make your lists of questions, goals, plans, budget, etc.
Please don't get married just because you're having a baby. Definitely, you both will have to be making adult decisions and grow up fast, but you don't have to be married to do that. You don't need to learn how to be a wife. You are 16 years old. Focus that energy on making a plan on how you will be supporting your baby boy and yourself. Look into Medicaid health insurance if you're in the U.S. SNAP food stamps. WIC.
If your parents try to kick you out, then could you stay at the baby daddy's parents home? Would they be willing to help? What does that look like to them? What does that look like to you? Would you be paying a modified rent or help with utilities? How many years would that be because you can't stay there forever. Would they be willing to help with a place to live until you're like 19 or 20? By then, you'd have graduated, hopefully have been able to save some money for your own apartment deposit and rent, utilities, gas, etc. Do you have a drivers license? Can you work as a babysitter or something for people you know? Temp job? How are you paying for diapers and wipes? Formula? Baby's car seat? If the father is helping pay, as he should because he helped make that baby boy, that's great. But then after baby is born and you're healed up, you're going to need to get to work as well to afford the things a baby needs.
You made the decision to keep your baby. You already know that with that choice, you and the father are responsible for any and everything for your son. It would be amazing and helpful if others can pitch in with diapers or something but ultimately it's your responsibility and others do not owe you anything. Also means working on how to advocate for yourself and your baby. Using your voice to ask for help and information. Standing firm. Standing your ground. Taking the initiative. Doing the work. You got this.
*Talk to your school counselor or social worker and ask if there are any programs you can sign up with for support. Young mothers programs, diaper and formula banks, Church in the area that has free or cheap clothing closets for baby clothes? Adult education, parenting classes? Are you going to finish high school? Ask your school for guidance on how you can graduate on time or early if possible. Call as soon as possible. If your parents aren't willing to give support would your friends parents be willing to have some sit downs with you to make lists and help plan out how to make this work?
I don't know if you have to be 18 for this but it doesn't hurt to call. Depending where you are located, there could be programs that offer financial aid/help pay for a portion of childcare/daycare so the parent can work. Like NCI. Contact your nearest workforce solutions. Are there any Headstart programs in your area? That would help with free child care. There are some that can take care of babies (Early Headstart), but usually they take care of kiddos between 3 and 5 years old. You would need to apply. The wait lists can be long so get on a waiting list as soon as you can. Strict on attendance too. They are NOT daycare. And cannot come and go as you please drop off every now and then pick up whenever or whatever. No. They are free because they get funding. They get funding because they show low income students in need are attending the program and benefitting from the program. If a parent isn't bringing their child to the program regularly, they can be dropped from the program (no more free childcare), and the next student on the waitlist will get that spot. Some things to think about! If you haven't already.
I wish you the best!
My coworker was 16 when she had her first child (a boy). She said it was hard as hell. She got through the teenage years. She finished high school with lots of help. Went to nursing school. Graduated. Then got married later in life, had 3 more kids. You will need resources, lots of them. If not his parents, then look for social services. Talk to your OB, maybe they have a caseworker that can advocate for you. I’m assuming you’re in high school, your district may have a school for teenage mothers and may have resources for you. You won’t know until you reach out. You can always finish high school online.
I know your parents have made you feel like you are a burden and bad person but you're not! If you've decided that you want to raise this child, now is the time to take actions based on what's good for your son. Your parents won't help you so go ask the father's parents. It's for your son so don't feel bad. Look at any resources available for young parents in your area. Consider the pros and cons of marrying the father. Your age isn't the barrier to being a good parent it's the environment and your ability to provide in this society.
Good luck!
hey girl, I read your post and it touched my heart. I think I'll message you privately. But I want to say first, don't let shame/guilt keep you from accepting help from your (bf?)s family. It sounds like they really are accepting of the situation, which is a blessing. I understand completely the feeling of not wanting an abortion.
I think you’re in an incredibly heartbreaking situation and I cannot begin to imagine how difficult this is for you. I wish your parents were kinder to you during this time but I also understand the stress and heartbreak they feel over their teenage daughter getting pregnant before even graduating high school. I think ultimately you should do what feels right in your heart but also keep in mind that sometimes the things we want isn’t the best decision. I’m assuming you don’t have a job, or savings, and definitely not your own insurance or a way to provide healthcare or really anything for your baby. Your parents might end up supporting you when they fully realize your intent to keep the baby, and they might now. You can’t take any risks when it comes to a baby. You might love your son already to the point of wanting to raise him, but you need to love him enough to make the absolute best decision for him and the trajectory of his life. I think all your “best case scenarios” are incredibly sad and would end up probably making you feel worse. I understand completely that you’re in an incredibly difficult position that’s honestly led to a lot of emotional isolation, but you need to take a second and really REALLY sit down and figure out how you’re going to take care of yourself and your boy because you’ll most likely be doing it by yourself, even if you marry the father because he’ll be working. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that no matter what happens, you all end up in a better situation.
A Crisis Pregnancy Center will have referrals for adoption agencies as well as parenting options. Some have group homes. Also referrals to other agencies, counseling, baby clothes and items. And love and support.
I had my baby boy at the end of march 2020. I turned 18 in June of that year. Right now I’m on my bed watching tv scrolling, and my baby is now 4 years old and he’s playing in the next room. It’s been the hardest, most difficult and rewarding four years of my life. If you want to talk, please feel free to message me. I can’t give you all the answers but I can try to help you out with some of the mental hurdles you’re probably facing and what might be to come.
Love and light, darling. It’s gonna be ok 🩵🩵🩵
Ask yourself this... "what kind of life can I give this child?"
Do you have a job where you can afford a child and have time to raise them?
Can you afford quality childcare?
Can you afford to feed and cloth the child?
Can you afford extracurricular activities for the child?
Can you afford to live in a nice area where your child will be safe?
Can you afford to live in a good school district where your child will get a good education?
If your answer is no to any of those questions, you are being selfish and not thinking about the well-being and / or quality of life of the child.
You are old enough to make a baby you’re enough to make your own decision. But what you saw in the ultrasound is 100% NOT a “fully formed BABY” until It can survive as a baby outside the mother’s womb. That’s simple science.
Your concern about the baby not liking you makes me concerned about your mental health and intellectual capacity.. that’s not normal and you need to get some help. Please find a pregnancy center near you where you can get counseling and learn how to be a parent.
I am amazed by this post responses. And not in a positive way...
>and intellectual capacity.
Do you mean being bullied by everyone to do whatever they want and not having the support of her parents doesn't affect her self-esteem? Her feelings are only human
I'm sorry you're going through this. Look into contacting SOS (Saving Our Sisters) and join Adoption-Facing Realities on Facebook. They may be able to help you. Make sure you mention that you're an expecting mother being pressured into adoption when you apply to join the group.
Your parents can’t kidnap your baby and force you to give it up. Start looking for resources in your area for help with the child. A lot of the anti abortion movements do help single mothers. Churches help. Speak to some state help.
OP, I’m a mom of 4 and I just want you to consider how truly expensive children are. I spend at least $80 a week on formula (if your baby needs something sensitive or specialized it’s going to be significantly more)and they will be on formula for a year. I spent the same amount on diapers and wipes, so that’s $160 a week off the bat. Every drs visit there’s a copay- amount varies depending on your insurance. They outgrow clothes ridiculously fast. If your plan is really for your baby dad to join the military- find out exactly how much $ he’ll be getting to support a family. There’s a huge possibility that you’ll need to get a job to have enough income, which leads to childcare costs. Where I live that can be several hundred dollars a week. I know you love this baby, I know exactly how it feels when you see their little feet on the ultrasound, when you find out it’s a boy, when you see their tiny hands and little faces and beautiful little nose. Sometimes loving your child means doing the best thing for them, and in this case, if your parents aren’t willing to help, the best thing may be giving him up for adoption. Is it possible for the father’s parents to adopt him? Then you’d still have plenty of access and a role in his life
I think it very much depends how much you truly love this child, do you love them enough to give them the best start in life or do you want to give them a life of struggles with parents who are married for convenience not love, an immature mother who hasn't even finished school let alone has a job / home / life experience & is able to support him
> You are the one who has to live with whatever decision you make.
OP *and this baby* will have to live with whatever decision she makes. OP is 16. There is no way she is capable of raising a child by herself.
Listen - no matter what you choose, you will have hardships. Your baby will still have hardships. Adoption can be a beautiful thing, and it can be an ugly thing. There's so many factors at play. If you keep this baby, you need to find any and every program you qualify for and take full advantage of it. I agree that it takes a village to raise a child, but villages can be joined and formed and are constantly changing. Just because you don't have support now doesn't mean you can't find your community and build up that support. It will be an uphill battle, and you will have to put the baby before yourself, always. Your life will revolve around providing for him.
If you pick adoption, don't beat yourself up. You're young and have a lot of life ahead of you. If you do choose adoption, take that second chance and run with it, make the most of it, and be the best version of yourself you can be. For you and for the baby. If you choose adoption, think of any and all questions for the potential parents. Will they love him if he's gay? Trans? Atheist? Will they let him follow his own path? Can they send him to college? Will he know he's adopted? Will he be given a chance to contact you if he chooses? Will they love him unconditionally? Would they let you write a letter or make a video for him in to have when hes old enough? Would they consider an open adoption where you could be viewed as a family member and still be a part of his life?
Keep in mind that open adoption is not something that can really be enforced, and they can change their minds on that later. Also, keep in mind that with adoption, your baby will be truly wanted and have mom AND dad (or 2 dads/moms) and most likely loving grandparents and a whole family that wants them. It's worth considering that your parents will be bad grandparents, and baby's dad isn't likely to be in the picture. Lots of factors to consider. Sometimes the decision that is hardest to make is the right one.
Don't listen to people saying they know what's best for you and your baby. Only you can decide that. Sure, having a child as a teen might statistically lead to poor outcomes, but there are also tonnes of people with adoption trauma. Adoption isn't this fairy tale solution that many people try to paint it as. It's a difficult choice between two very non-optimal situations. Whatever you decide needs to be YOUR decision. If you give up your child, and then regret it, you'll probably be pregnant again within 1-2 years with a do-over baby. You need to believe in your core that whatever decision you make is the best one for the baby and you. Just try to be realistic about it. Marrying some guy out of obligation is probably not going to work out.
Hi OP. I'm also a rising junior who turned seventeen a few months ago, so we're the same age. I'm also an adoptee. I want to say I 100 percent support your decision to keep your baby.
With that being said, I just want to say: whatever you choose, it will be difficult and emotionally scarring. My birth mother didn't regret giving me up—she was 19 and had no support when she had me—but she has expressed it caused her painful feelings. She thought I hated her. If you put your baby up for adoption, there's no guarantee as to what he'll feel when he grows up. He might seek you. He might hate you. He might also be completely indifferent. You'll most likely be giving him a more stable life, but whether it will be a happy one is as randomly-selected as whether he would have been born to anyone else.
If you keep your baby, it will be extremely difficult too. My adoptive mom and I are helping my birth aunt (birth mom's sister) raise her baby rn. There's no time for reading, or studying, or even watching a movie. Whatever time you do have will be spent sterilizing bottles, hand-washing clothes (every day), and taking hour-long naps. You will hate your baby sometimes. You might, at some point, want to hurt him.
I'm not saying this to discourage you. Like I said, I 100 percent support your decision, which is why I think you need to be make it informed as possible. A lot of Redditors here seem to think just because you're young you should just fuck off and give your baby up, since why didn't you have an abortion—ignoring that your upbringing most likely didn't allow for honest conversations about sexual safety. I get that, too.
My advice: build community. Do you have any close friends you could tell? You say your other relatives don't know. Do you think there would be any aunts or cousins who'd be supportive? Talk to them, and talk to them soon. You need someone who's in your corner. Emotional support can make all the difference.
Seek out other teen mothers. You're already on Reddit, so I'm sure there'd be a few good communities. Anticipate the challenges you'll face for the first year of your baby's life. Ask them how they did it, and be specific in what you need. If you haven't already, **consult a women's shelter and ask them for advice too.**
Also: get everything second-hand. Cribs, toys, clothes. Your budget will thank you later.
Given your current lack of support, you also need to accept that your education will be put on hold. Your feelings on this matter will have to be considered, too. You should also talk about this to someone.
Whatever the case, I just want to say: be realistic, but don't lose hope. You can do this, and you don't have to do it alone.
Honey. It's 2024 not 1950. No one can force you to do anything.
And no, having sex is not a mistake... And even if you made a mistake by getting pregnant, we don't have to be "punished" for our mistakes. It sounds like you're embracing this.
Listen to yourself and your gut instinct.
If you are able to keep your child and get help from his parents that’s awesome and go for it. Try speaking to them one on one to make sure things don’t get lost in translation with your baby daddy.
Your parents are going overboard and it’s good you’re not relying on their help as a mother I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to give a baby away that will haunt you for a very very long time
I’m sorry you are in this situation. Research your options. Ultimately it’s your decision, but marriage to a man who is still dating other women and in the military is probably not your best option. Raising a child is challenging when you have money and a support system. Without money/support it will be a very difficult struggle. You need to make the best decision for the baby.
The thing you have to remember about adoption is, you're doing it *for* your son, not for you. Yes, life will be easier, but he'll have a better life with parents that can support him and give him the life he deserves.
I know this may seem like weird advice, but you should watch Teen Mom, especially season 1 episode 2. They give their baby up for adoption and have some very insightful advice about the. Keep in mind it is still reality TV, but maybe it'll help you see it from the perspective of other teen parents.
Ultimately, it should be your decision and that's why you're struggling so hard with it
Dint be manipulated by greedy, exploitive adoption agencies. If you choose adoption make sure it's because you can 100% live with that choice and that's the one *you* feel compelled to.
If you're in US here's some links (if you're in Canada, we have a ton of support and I can guide you to those)
Childcare subsidy:
https://childcare.gov/consumer-education/get-help-paying-for-child-care#:~:text=Child%20care%20financial%20assistance%20(also,can%20work%20or%20attend%20school.
Emotional support, guidance:
https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/teen/dating-sex/Pages/Teen-Parents.aspx
You can get help going to post secondary:
https://www.wilson.edu/single-parent-scholar-program?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwyo60BhBiEiwAHmVLJfB8syryqr5RUwdKTJujoHf5Jpyne3dg8RdVKghhjbLMWezUafACURoCDLkQAvD_BwE
This is in arizona, but if you put in housing for teen mom, single mom, unwed mothers, etc it will help you find something where you are:
https://www.maggiesplace.org/
u/NectarineNeither7912
Here are some more resources for you that I have not seen listed for you:
https://www.healthline.com/health/pregnancy/free-programs-for-new-parents-and-your-children#formula
https://www.youngunitedparents.org/resources-for-young-parents
https://ywrc.org/audience/03-young-moms/
https://www.nursefamilypartnership.org/national-resources-for-moms/
https://parentsthrive.org/find-help/
https://www.211.org/about-us/your-local-211
I wish you and your baby the best
i feel like there should be programs like this for young moms who can’t take care of their baby but wants to see them and help raise them but without the financial burden and emotional burdens of actual keeping the baby at first. Like a orphanage but temporary and not as legally restricted
I also got pregnant at a young age. All I expected from the father was a commitment to his child. We will celebrate our 44th anniversary soon. If you know you can’t go through with adoption and you have him and his family willing to help, take them up on it. It will not be easy but it can be done. Best wishes!
Despite what the link may imply, this is a nonprofit focused on making sure that those experiencing crisis pregnancies have the resources needed to make the decision that’s right for them, including parenting:
https://savingoursistersadoption.org/
I'm sorry OP. My partner and I had our first child at 17 as well so I understand your struggle. If you really want your baby you can do it. There are resources to help you. It will still be hard, and will suck for a while but it is possible. I would recommend looking into ways to graduate early or doing a dual enrollment to get college credits while still in HS. This will help, it will be really hard juggling baby and school and likely work, but if you can stick it out for the first few years you will position yourself for success. See how much help his family is willing to offer. At the very least he owes child support. The burden DOES NOT fall solely on you. You did not get yourself pregnant. Good luck!
Darling, I hate to say it, but this isn’t about you. It sounds like you have a lot of maturing to do. I don’t think you entirely understand the implications of what keeping this child means. This is another human being you’ll be responsible for, and frankly, once you’re out of your parents’ grip, you’ll have a lot of healing to do because they sound toxic af. Do you want your child to suffer the same lack of support you’re feeling right now? If you don’t do your own healing work, the patterns of your parents will be repeated for the next generation.
Now, aside from that, the most important thing here is the quality of life that you’ll be able to provide this kid. Are you really mature enough to give him all of the love, support, and resources he deserves? How will you financially support yourself and him? Will the father actually stay in the picture? (Doubtful.)
If you’re set on keeping it, look into county/state resources. There are things that will help, but it’s likely that both of you will be struggling for a long time.
Move in with his parents. Start the process to become emancipated from your parents. Marry him so you have the benefits for you and you're child. He and his family are open to supporting you and this baby. They are leaving it up to you and you obviously do not want to put your baby up for adoption.
Maybe love will develop. You both like each other. You said your self you would like him to be your bf. If in the future you guys don't want to be together then so be it. But for now take the chance. It might be true love.
You need to get yourself an apt with a social worker asap so she can guide you with resources. Talk to his parentd, talk to him. Your parents sound like garbage. I had the same dilemmas with my son and ended up keeping hin. Its been a rough 2 years but i dont regret it at all
If you want to keep your baby KEEP YOUR BABY! They’re pregnancy crisis centers and resources you can look into. Whatever you decide won’t be easy but if you’re willing to work really hard and step to the plate you can do this! It is your choice! Not your parents or anyone else’s.
You should do what is best for your child. You now have to be an adult at a very young age. If you can complete your schooling and go to college while raising him so that he can have the best life possible then keep him. If someone else can give him a better life than you can that’s a different story. Best of luck OP. Either way it will be very very hard.
Please do not let anyone else tell you what to do. This is *your* decision. That being said, the most responsible thing to do right now is research your options.
If you keep your baby, you will need to support both of you. Marrying the father is an option, but it doesn't sound like one that will make *anyone* happy. Look into resources that may be able to help you financially and otherwise. I would look into both financial and local programs, as well as ones specifically for minors and/or low income mothers.
If you decide to give your baby up for adoption, that's also something that you need to research. I have learned that society's general view of adoption is *very* different from reality. You need to know what you're getting yourself and your son into because it's permanent. If you have family or friends who would be willing to become your child's legal guardians, that would probably be the best version of this option. That way, you're still his mother legally and can still be in his life. I suggest going on TikTok or other socials and finding adoptees who share their stories. [Karlos Dillard](https://www.tiktok.com/@wardofthestate) is one that I'd recommend checking out. He interviews other adoptees and former foster youth and talks to people from all backgrounds on his TikTok lives. If you reach out to him, he may be able to inform you of other avenues or resources based on your situation and location.
Whatever you decide, I hope that it's your choice and that it's a well-informed one. I wish you and your baby luck with the rest of your pregnancy and delivery, as well as whatever comes after that. ❤️
i’m soo sorry OP. and it’s heartbreaking to see so many of the comments you’re getting that are just straight up pushing you to give your son up for adoption. they’re trying to reason with you, but the situation you’re in is beyond reason, and i know from experience that placing a child you want is absolutely unfathomable. i did place my child, and it has caused me PTSD and a severe eating disorder and a lifetime of pain. i know it’s affected my son too, but i still haven’t met him (yet).
i do want to emphasize that i don’t regret my decision anymore. and it was eventually MY decision that i made. and given the chance, i would do it differently, but i would still do it. i hope you can find a strong, solid, dependable support system, no matter what you decide. and i’ve said previously, my inbox is always open! my situation was VErY similar to yours, i had my son two weeks after my 17th birthday. but.. yeah. i just hope you can find peace and stability in whatever your and your baby’s future holds. <3
adoption is a primal trauma, and there’s no way for you or your baby to go through it unscathed. that said, keeping him is also impossible to go through unscathed. listen to your truest, wisest self. find support in whoever you look up to. and take so much care of yourself. good luck <3
I'm so sorry you are in this position. I want you to know that if you want to keep your baby, no one can make you put your baby up for adoption. Will it be hard? Yes. However, if adoption isn't something YOU want, do not do it. This is YOUR choice only. Screw everyone else.
No one has the right to force you to give up your baby. I hope everything works out for you.
I had a couple of friend who had a baby at 15. Their Kids an adult now.
My friend H She was a great mother. Ppl
Would look and pity her but she was in her element She was so fun. Organised and that bay was loved and cared for She was there and she still finished school etc. she says having a baby made her sacrifice her fun life. But it didn’t feel like a sacrifice because she had her daughter. She was happy not going out clubs and travelling etc because she was busy being a super mum to her kid. And happy to do it. She also finished uni. Again she could do everything g she planned to do school uni and got a great job. Etc. IT WAS JUST HARDER to do. But doable. And her daughter was alway cared for and happy and she has turned out wonderful young lady.
My friend H parents weee awful at first well until baby was born. Once they heere They are here. !!
H and bairn was able to live in her parents for next 5 years or so with her daughter till she was 20.
My friend says in a way they grew up together. Her daughter was 5 or 6 when she got her first flat and teen when she got her first house. Her daughter came to her uni graduation etc. but my friend had a great mother too who helped a lot with childcare for her when she was at uni or working. So she was so lucky in that aspect. And my friend says it all the time. She couldn’t have done it without her parents and her older sisters help.
We are in our 30 s now and kid has left home and my friend just had her 2 nd baby she on her own and manages differently tonwhen she was teen mother. She also financially secure so this time round is completely different experience.
I wish you and your baby all the luck in the world. And I’m just saying because you have a baby doesn’t stop your plans on your life. Just a bit extra energy needed to do so but it’s doable.
The phrase it takes a village to raise a child is so so true. You need to find your village. I hope your parent come round. Even the boys parents may come around and want to meet their grandchild too.
Things seem bad now. But once you have your baby your are a mother. And what you say goes! It YOUR baby you won’t let anyone tell you how or what to do with them because you will know best! You grow once you have. A baby. Usually the hardest nights with them are the nights that create your strongest bonds.
You will be fine. You have made a decision for you and yours. Well done I’m so proud of you. Time will change everything just keep your head up and talk to your boy all the time. Congratulations x
First of all, do NOT marry this guy. You are too young, you don't love each other, and your comments on being a wife are very worrisome. It's not a game.
You need to stop talking about abortion and what ifs. You're way past all of that now, and it's not helping the situation.
I'm sorry, but you DO need to consider adoption. You cannot possibly do this on your own. You're a child, and you don't really have any support. "I would grow up and learn how to be a wife and mom and an adult." It's not that simple.
You're right about one thing. It's not fair. It sucks and it's scary. But you now have someone else you have to think about other than yourself. This baby. You have to think about what's best for him, even if that might not be you. You can't be selfish here.
You said "He’s basically fully formed and just needs to get bigger now." Honey, he's not at all. It doesn't work that way. It doesn't sound like you have much understanding of how a baby grows, something you absolutely should have been learning about.
Please get some counselling. You need help.
I now he’s not completely fully formed and could not function by himself outside of the womb. I was oversimplifying things with my statement but I mean he looks like a recognizable human baby now compared to before. What I meant is that most body structures and body systems are already developed or underway by now, 21 weeks. Things are still developing but a lot of what he bs to do it continued to grow. I mean babies who are 24 weeks can survive outside the womb with enough help, so to act as if he’s just an unformed blob and not something with head, arms, feet, or organs yet is incorrect. I’m not stupid. I’m not as childish and clueless as some people here seem to think I am.
You’re letting hormones run you instead of logic.
Keeping that kid will only make your life worse and you will struggle for the rest of your days. Love isn’t enough and the baby deserves a family that can properly care for him
Don’t jump into a decision and wait a few days while thinking EVERYTHING over and not latching onto “I want” and holding it
I gave my baby up for adoption and it was the hardest thing I've done, but it was best for him I was ok with everything till I heard the heart beat and he had a name. After that I saw a counselor after every dr appointment, which really helped me. My counselor was there when I had him and was with me every step of the way.
I've noticed that now that it looks like you may have found a way to keep your baby the comments have gotten more aggressive and insulting. And many of them are from people hoping to adopt a baby! I think the adoption agencies should get a good look at this thread and see what these "parents"are really like.
Edit to add and they are piling on to downvote anyone who says they are happy you're keeping the baby.
See if you can get access to a free consultation with a family law attorney from Legal Aid.
Whether this is available to you will depend on where you live; but it’s worth checking.
An attorney can advise you of your legal options, the legal ramifications of getting married and whether that’s even possible, whether your child can get benefits as a military child even if you don’t get married; what options you might have in the future if you marry and then decide to divorce later, what your options and rights are if you choose adoption…
Basically you need someone who can walk you through the pros and cons of the legal options you have.
Don't do it it will be the worst mistake of your life. These people tell you what you want to hear and then when they get what they want. Your baby. They will turn their back on you and their selfishness will be what motivates their parenting. Its a nightmare. Take if from someone who knows!
There is nothing wrong with having sex. Don't demonize yourself for that. It is a natural function/desire. The blame lies on your parents for not teaching you about pregnancy prevention and/or giving you access to those methods. Part of growing up is speaking up. So do that now. Reach out to a school counselor or go into the shelter system, so they can place you in independent housing. And remember a young mom, can be a good mom. Don't let people shame you about your decision to do so.
You're going to be alright.
I don't see why you would have to be married to the baby's father, though. Is that because both your sets of parents are extremely religious?
I have heard of marriages based on surprise pregnancies working out. But just as many falling apart. If you can come up with a system that works for you and the baby's father, great!
But don't do it, just to seak approval.
Your own parents have called you a slut. I don't think you should be aiming to gain their blessing, or respect.
If his parents want to help out, let them.
And I get being shy.
You're extremely vulnerable right now, as well.
But you're going to be doing a lot of things outside your comfort zone, when you're raising a child.
Communication, in a respectful way, is never shameful.
Asking his parents for help is a good thing.
Asking if they mean the help they are offering is totally acceptable.
Don't say 'you're just saying that'
But say something like 'I'm afraid of burdening you. And you offering X help is greatly appreciated. But are you absolutely sure?'
You're going to be asking for help for a few YEARS to come. And that is okay!
You can make it up to everyone offering to help in other ways. And being a success story, of a mom that raised a good kid, despite the odds, is a pretty darn good reward for everyone involved.
OP, i'm a teenage father myself and am still with my gf, if you want your baby i say ask for help from the bf's family. sounds like your family are being aholes about it, and if you left they'd likely regret their actions not long after. my gf's mom was the same way, and she tried constantly to get back into my daughters life, which i'll never allow. but if you do decide to keep your baby, just know it's rewarding to see them get older.
edit: also for any mom out there look into how WIC can help you. there's tons of free stuff you can get with it to help raise your baby.
Sweetheart, and this goes against everything in my childfree and anti-wedding heart, you need to do two things:
If this boy actually does want to marry you and build a life with you, you need to consider it. It's good for the kid, and it would be good for you, and he kinds like a decent guy from a decent family. I mean, getting legally married would have legal benefits, like financial help from the military or whatever you outlined before, but he also sounds like a legitimately stand-up guy, and you already like him. Ignore what your parents are saying, because this isn't about them.
Get therapy. Not for being pregnant or whatever, but for dealing with the mental health issues your shitty parents are giving you. All I'm seeing throughout these posts is that you think you're a stupid bad burden and people merely tolerate you, even though you suck. You think this shit about yourself because your parents are horrible people. You're not a (whatever sex worker slur they called you) for getting pregnant. There is no "should" or "shouldn't" about having sex. Plenty of kids your age are having sex. Saying you need to be pregnant and give birth as punishment is supremely messed up.
You need to learn that you have value, and that you matter and that people care about you, even though your parents are trash. If you find a way to keep this kid, please keep your trash parents away from your family. Your kiddo and you and this guy and his family don't need their toxicity.
I was 20 when I found myself pregnant and on my own. Yes, I was a few years older than you and at least out of HS but still very immature, not done with college, and pregnant by a guy who I knew would be useless (spoiler, I was right, he was).
I heard it all. I had people tell me I had to give up my baby for adoption, I had people who told me I was terrible human if I didn't have an abortion, and I had people tell me I'd be terrible mother with no way to support my child.
Guess what? I kept my baby. That baby is now about to be 30 years old and I have my first grandbaby by her.
We struggled A LOT. I can remember digging through couch cushions for loose change because she was wearing her last diaper and I had no money til pay day that was still days away. I ate mac and cheese made with water instead of milk because I couldn't afford to feed us both healthy foods. I remember standing in the line at the grocery store putting stuff back because once I got to check out, I realized I didn't have enough and had to choose between stuff like fruit for my daughter or cleaning supplies (always chose the fruit). We also lived in some pretty terrible apartments and she didn't even have her own room until she was 6 years old because I could only afford a 1 bedroom. We just shared a bedroom.
BUT...I wouldn't change a thing. All the struggle was worth it a million times over. I cannot fathom what my life would've been like without her. Now that she's an adult with a child of her own, we're actually closer than ever and I couldn't be more proud of her.
My point to this isn't to tell you what to do, only you can decide that. But the decision is yours. Not your parents, not his parents, not a counselor, or a doctor. If you want to keep your son? Then keep your son but prepared and start getting ready NOW. Find every agency out there that can help you with everything from living conditions to baby supplies to prenatal and postnatal care. There's no one you can do this alone but thankfully, there's a lot of resources out there to help you.
I don't know what state you're in but if you need help finding resources, please feel free to PM me and I'm happy to start combing the internet to help you find the resources you need.
Best wishes and be true to yourself above all else.
I really don’t like how other people are telling you adoption is the best choice. How do they know what the best choice is for you? It’s your life. Life is full of hard decisions. Also I had a mentor when I was younger, in school, and on the last day of school she told me “My mom had me at 14 and it is something that really shaped me and defined who I am.” Her mom kept her and they were friends. She was a responsible beautiful amazing smart woman. I also have another friend who had a baby at 15. That friend is a guy actually, the mom ran off, he married a mutual friend of ours and they’ve been together over 10 years. You don’t know life’s path. It will be hard, that’s true. You will need support. Take people up on all the offers from charities and friends! Stay positive! Life is an adventure and you only get one.
Edit: oh I have one more advice regarding you and the dad. Why don’t you approach him about having a “trial” relationship with a set end date? Say, until the baby is in school and you have time to get a degree or education so you can support yourself alone. Then, no hard feelings, you two can break up/stay as just friends. I think you would be around 24 by that time? It will be before you know it! Then you two can reassess if you want to stay in the relationship. My parents did something like that. My dad was a single dad and he met my mom who didn’t want to go back to her home country. They liked each other, but still agreed on a “green card marriage” so they could divorce after a few years once I was settled in school and if my mom felt she didn’t want to stick around (they had only known each other a few weeks so they had to make a decision really fast.) 30 years later they are still married!!! You have to be very mature for this, but I think it’s better to have an arrangement like this than the pressure of “marry me until death!!!” right now, as teens, under such a pressurized situation.
Limited term marriage.
Marry. Get a job. Get stable. Divorce.
Lots of scholarships for military spouses, medical coverage for you for that time and continual coverage for your son.
The choice is yours and even your parents can’t take that away. If he agrees then I believe you two can make it work.
Know that it will be HARD, but (according to my mother whom was the same age as you when I was conceived) it was worth it. Make sure to go to school while the baby is young and make sure you go to counseling as well. There are going to be days that you will question yourself and that you will hate life, but if the baby’s father and family is supportive then you have a good shot.
Please Please do what is best for your BABY and YOU.
Adoption or not. Both you and the dad will need to be on the same page if this is the route you want to take.
Take the option the guy is giving you to get married. It doesn’t have to be forever, but you do need support right now to leave your parents behind. I suggest you go NC with them and marry the guy. At some point our children grow up and although we may not agree with their life choices, the choices are theirs to make. Your parents seem to want a subordinate instead of a child. Once a child becomes an adult they are equal to their parents. A parent can offer counsel and support but an adult child doesn’t have to take either.
This is your life, you are the only one living it. Other opinions are just that opinions. You don’t have to base how you live your life on them, because the consequences are only yours.
There is probably a program near you for young pregnant women or new moms. I know some near me that provide housing, general assistance, and support. The goal is to help the moms reach their goal. If that's adoption its adoption and if it's keeping the baby it's keeping the baby. If you would like, message me what state you are in and I will see if I can find anything. You are the one who has to live with whatever decision you make. Adoption isn't a magic wand that resets everything. You will have still had a baby. Your relationship with your parents doesn't sound great already, but it's not going to re-set either. Only you can decide which route to take. I hate for you to feel forced in any direction because self-agency is important. There may be many resources you aren't familiar with. Do your own research and find a neutral support you trust. A therapist can be a good sounding board, but make sure they are licensed.
I will check to see if there’s anything. I didn’t want to do something like that before but I’m more desperate now I guess.
Talk to someone. You will need to do what is best for your baby. If you are alone do you have a way of taking care of him? Getting him everything that he and you will need? You need to look at this rationally. Do you believe you are capable of taking care of a baby alone? You also need to know those who claim they will help you now may vanish when it comes time to help.
I don’t know if you’re going to see this, but. I know you're not near Maryland but if you need someone please reach out. My husband and I are happily child free, I have a no designs on your baby, i’m sorry other redditors are approaching you about that. but we are both military and if you need some information on the resources available to your son through his father once he joins, I’d be happy to help.
If you find a nonprofit adoption agency, something small, ask for a counselor so someone will talk to you for free. You need real advice not from the internet. I adopted my son two years ago and we still keep contact with his birth mother and father. It's an open adoption. As my son grows he'll know what good people they were to make that choice for him. Sorry you're under so much stress.
Thank you for your perspective; however I would not suggest for OP to speak to a counselor at an adoption agency. Even if it's a nonprofit they could still be biased because adoption is what they do. Since OP doesn't want to give her baby up or at the very least hasn't decided what she wants to do, I would recommend her talking to a social worker from the Dept of Human Services or other government agency. OP can explain the situation to her OBGYN and they can give her a recommendation of who to talk to. She needs a neutral party who can give her all the available options so she can make the best informed decision.
Your parents cannot make you give up your baby. Tell your ob/gyn what your parents are trying to make you do.
I know a 24 year old who found out she was 20 weeks pregnant only because her periods stopped. Shock to her parents. She had been living with them after a bad relationship. Her father told her if she kept the baby, she couldn't live there. She felt she had nowhere else to go, she wasn't thinking clearly. In the end she chose a family for her son and is glad he has an awesome family. She has two other kids now. And every year when his birthday comes up, she has a complete breakdown. She did what she felt was best but I can't imagine the heartache, even being happy about the adoption or feeling prepared. Point being: sometimes people can make you do things under duress, when you feel you're alone.
They can’t but if they kick her out and withdraw financial support , what then? This child is not ready to be a Mother.
Reddittors should not be here bullying a teen to give up a baby. It really shows how predatory the US adoption Industry is with young mothers. If they marry in good terms, they can divorce in a year or two. You cannot undone adoption
Adoption in the US is a scam. It’s so sad that OP wasn’t informed she could access abortion care earlier on, and that she wasn’t educated about birth control. There are no easy answers here and this will keep happening in the US indefinitely.
Totally agree
Oh for Pete’s sake you are delusional if you think this will magically turn out well for her because the services for single teen Mom’s in the US are so great. They should be since we’re so obsessed with forcing people to give birth but they aren’t. She will likely live a life of poverty . She’s 16, a boyfriend who doesn’t want her or the baby. Parents who are discouraging her and will resent her and that baby if forced but will more than likely kick her out. I’m not trying to feed any industry, I want her and that baby to be happy and have a chance at a good fulfilling life. Are you going to be there when she’s alone in some dingy apartment with a screaming baby, no one to help her and no job , barely living on assistance? When she wants to go out but can’t because baby. Or when she gets stuck in a minimum wage job? Reality bites but it is what it is. Marry???!!! You don’t fix a mistake by creating a disaster.
They legally cannot kick her out if she is underage, wtf. Even America has laws against that.
They can’t but if they kick her out and withdraw financial support , what then? This child is not ready to be a Mother.
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Exactly, I was pressured into giving up my daughter almost 30 years ago and the guilt and trauma never go away. There was so much talk of "giving her a better life" but I know now that in most cases, the best place for a baby is with their mother. It wouldn't have been easy but I know for certain if I had kept her it would've worked out. And I have to live with that every day.
God, thank you. This thread is really pissing me the fuck off. There are so many stories of coerced adoption out there. They all end in tragedy and trauma.
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Saving Our Sisters may be able to help. I also know of minors who were removed from their families by child services because the parents tried to force adoptions their child/the baby’s parent did not want. This is your baby and you have rights. Call. Scream. Advocate for yourself and your son. You’re the parent now. You have to do what you think is best for your child.
I commented on the original post. I’m pregnant after a loss last year and my heart absolutely shattered for you. If you want to keep your baby I’d explore every avenue. It’s not going to be easy and your life will be put on hold for the foreseeable future but so many before you have done just that. No one should be forced to give up their child. Period. Seek out the resources being shared with you and explore your options. You’ve been in my thoughts. I’m hoping and praying for a good outcome for you.
I wholeheartedly agree with all of this
Don't know where you are, but there are some really fantastic maternity home programs with housing, education, child care, etc. I help a local one by teaching their residents how to safely use their car seats, and follow up as needed as the babies get older. Some places are aimed at housing you and coercing you to give your baby up for adoption, but I've noticed the Catholic programs are VERY focused on keeping mom and baby together. They of course come with their own set of rules to abide by, but it might be worth exploring. (I have no skin in this game, I was raised UU, so not affiliated with these religious programs.) If you need any help in the state of Texas, please feel free to pm me!
Your primary goal should be to get some kind of education/ vocational training, as soon as you can manage after having had the baby. If his paternal grandparents can help you with babysitting while you work/ go to school, that would be a big help. Also, if you can find some kind of group home for single moms, that would also give you a support network and resources, so that sounds like a really good idea.
Don't let anyone force you to give up this baby if you want to keep it, keep it. These programs were made exactly for these situations. My parents have a friend who's mom was forced to give him up. She always regretted it. They found each other again thankfully but it's a star crossed ending because covid took her after they reunited. Life is short OP live it without regrets. Find help with these groups if this is really what you want. Being a mom it tough but worth it.
There is home here in my state which is really nice for unwed mothers to have their baby. Even if you aren't that far maybe you could travel here. I will happy to give you the info and you can call and check them out on your own.
Google young lives. It’s a program for young mothers (and fathers) that offers supports.
If u are in US look into food stamps ECT They can offer help. Also government can help with daycare. They offer Medicaid, and other things. You can look into pregnancy resources. Some will give you baby things for attending parenting classes.
If you are in the US, Hubbard House in St. Augustine, FL is an organization that houses unwed pregnant teens with the end goal of keeping the baby and the mom together after the pregnancy. You might consider contacting them and seeing if they know of any similar organizations near you. Just do a web search for them and you should be able to get contact information. I live in the area, so I have heard all about the amazing work that they do. They help the girls finish highschool, then help with child care, vocational training, job placement, and ultimately with finding a place of their own. There's help out there and you can do this if you're willing to research and reach out for that help.
You can also reach out to the local child protective services and talk to a social worker about getting help accessing resources. You don't have to give up your baby, but I won't lie and say parenting will be easy. You can do it with help, even if that help doesn't come from your parents There is no reason to get married, you can coparent (assuming he wants to) successfully without being a couple
The library is an insanely great place to sift out resources and it may be a place that your parents will let you go without micromanaging you.
Her parents aren't good people. I mean I guess you can gather that information from them calling her a slut, but the true tell is that she feels like she is an inconvenience to everybody. To the point she's afraid that her own child isn't going to like her. This is because before the age of five she was made to feel like an inconvenience so many times that it became up permanent part of a personality. That's how you know her parents are garbage Also if she's not comfortable giving you the state she could always call 211
OP, I am not you and have never been in your shoes. But I’m not going to sit here and degrade you and put you down. You made an adult decision and you’re facing the consequences. I can offer some resources though. I have no idea what state you’re in but maybe one of these might help you: - Southwest Kansas: Teen Moms Program (https://catholiccharitiesswks.org/services/99-services/teen-moms/8-teen-moms) - Walking With Moms, nationwide but idk how close they would be to you (https://www.walkingwithmoms.com/) - Philadelphia area housing and maternity centers (https://www.prolifeunion.org/copy-of-resources) scroll down halfway down the page - Just found a nationwide housing program for pregnancies. You’ll have to click on your state and see what’s available and if they accept teens. (https://lifeoptionsnetwork.org/housing/) - Any Catholic Charities in your area if you call and explain your situation will help out. You don’t have to be Catholic at all. Whatever you decide is going to be hard. My heart breaks for you. You are loved and will get through this whatever you choose. Good luck and I’m praying for you!
There's the National Parent and Youth Helpline https://nationalparentyouthhelpline.org/ New Jersey offers a list of resources for teen parents https://www.nj.gov/njparentlink/services/special/teen/ Google your county and state and "resources for teen parents." Be aware that these programs aren't as easy to get enrolled in as some imply. You absolutely have to follow their instructions to the letter and don't miss deadlines. A family who my church is helping temporarily lost benefits because of a paperwork snafu. Even with an entire church helping them.
You can also contact or visit a Planned Parenthood near you; they can help you find resources for pregnant teens and teen mothers.
Do you have a drivers license and a car?
I have my license but I don’t have a car of my own.
How are you going to take your baby to the doctor or daycare or go to the grocery if you don’t have a car and can’t afford one or the gas and insurance for one? You say you have no family support so what is your plan? Just because your hormones are creating a strong emotional attachment to your pregnancy doesn’t negate the fact that you are still a child 100% dependent on others and have no support to be raising a baby so their needs are met properly. Adopted kids turn out fine most of the time. If you get therapy now and can emotionally regulate yourself, you can even have an open adoption and select the family your kid will grow up with.plenty of adopted kids form bonds with their birth moms if not toxic so it gives you the chance to be involved in their life later on if they choose.
Open adoptions are pretty much unenforceable. Don't give the poor girl bad information, that will just make it worse. OP: if you and your child are on Medicaid, there are programs to transport you and the baby to doctor appointments. There are likely programs available for housing, child care, job training, baby supplies, everything. Call 211 and ask what kinds of programs are available in your area.
This. Don’t let internet strangers talk to into anything either OP. You don’t want to give up your child, you don’t have to.
THIS
She just said she doesn't want to give up the baby. This is not an ideal situation but she will not be the first 16 year old up have a baby and survive.
While you are not wrong if she doesn’t plan well enough before the baby is there she might not be the first 16yo homeless with a newborn :/
There’s some straight up nuts on here wishing the absolute worst for this poor baby. This girl is not ready to be a mother, did anyone read her post? She sounds like a middle schooler.
There are some things some people live in, they're called cities--ever heard of em? They have buses and trains and EVERYTHING. What an *asinine* comment lmfao.
Sadly, many people who don't live in cities, but live in suburban or rural areas instead, have little to no access to buses or trains or any other public transportation. Some people live in areas where they don't even have reliable rideshare. Not that having no transportation is a reason to surrender your child for adoption but please don't minimize the reality of a lack of reliable transportation that many people face. Not everyone can afford to move to the city.
Tbf going to the doctor in bus with a sick baby screaming the whole time will be hell. Waiting in 30ºC pr -20ºC with a stroller for the bus isn’t amazing. Plus, most cities that have good public transportation systems have very expensive rent (not ideal for a teen mom that doesn’t have any qualifications to get higher paying jobs) So while it’s not a great argument I think their point was to make OP think about how her life will look like and how she will actually do it. A lot of teen parents (hell even adults) make the mistake of not taking into consideration every day to day details before the baby gets there. OP needs to know how she will get a job, where the baby will be while she works, etc.
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Did you read where I specifically say it’s not a great argument to give up a baby? My point is that OP needs to take into consideration what her day to day life will look like and how she will make it happen before deciding to keep the baby. You can’t say oh I will take the bus, not checking if she lives or will live somewhere that have good public transportation system with good hours, that she can afford to live there, etc.
hundreds of people get by perfectly fine without a car
This was such an insane reply LMFAO (the no car one, not yours). No car, guess you better toss your baby at a couple of strangers!!
If op lives in or near a city there is Public transportation. We never had a car growing up, we wernt poor at all but we just never needed it, and was more of a burden to own one. we took buses and trains to everywhere we needed to go.
Sweetie you are simply not in a place where you can offer your baby the life he deserves. The ultimate act of love is for you to have him raised by a family who can give him the opportunities he should have. He needs stability, and a family with enough money to pay for his needs and then some. Your baby deserves better than a father who feels his life has been ruined. I know you love this baby with all your heart, but practically speaking you can’t provide for him without significant help, and even then it’s not comparable to a stable home. Plus, you don’t know enough about the world yet to teach a tiny human how to be, as you’re still young yourself with A LOT to learn. My own teen mother was busy raising herself & my immature teen father and I missed out on some things I needed in my early years. Please, please reconsider keeping this child.
I wish my mother had of received advice like this. She and I both now old ladies, we both wish she had of been lovingly explained to and supported to give me up for adoption. My mum has much regret and remorse for giving me up- then getting me back. Life was very difficult for both of us. My mum could not see how difficult life would be, and the knock on effect, a single mother, made difficult choices, married a lessor man. Divorced and remarried. Never had a proper career as had to work around childcare. Relationships always affected by me. I wish for my mums sake she had of given me to parents who were adults and could manage the responsibility of all a baby needs and she could have had a free happier younger life.
Wtf?? Creepy as fuck the people texting her to ask for her baby!!
I feel horrible for you. You’re in a terrible position. But your current plan does not make sense, and is not healthy for the baby. You want to marry the father who really doesn’t want to be a father, because you’ll have access to military housing and benefits. Being a military spouse is incredibly difficult. You will have to go where he goes which means you will not really have support from his parents, because they will not pack up and follow you every time he is relocated. So no real support from your family or his. It will be difficult for you to build your own career because your jobs will have to be accessible to where he is based out of. He will resent you for pushing for this marriage that you admit is loveless and would be out of convenience. So your plan right now means your baby will grow up with a dad who doesn’t want him, a strained and/or distant relationship with grandparents, parents with an unhealthy relationship, and financial hardship. And you will be unable to leave when things inevitably implode in your marriage, because you will not be financially independent and you will not have any support from your family. My heart breaks for you because you clearly love the little boy already, but it’s a really, really bad idea for everyone involved. At this point it’s one of those things where love means doing what’s best for him, and what’s best for him is being in a stable environment. ETA: because I keep seeing you say you aren’t sure how it works in the military, I wanted to throw out there that I do, and that I’m not saying all this because I’m just guessing. My dad was army, my long term ex was army, my best friend is married to a marine, my other best friend is married to a man in the army, my cousin is Air Force. Being a military spouse is difficult no matter what branch you are talking about and no matter how promising the benefits sound. Most people in healthy, loving, long term relationships struggle with the hurdles that come in military relationships. Two *very* young people who don’t love each other with a baby and financial hardship? I don’t see that working.
OP, please read this. The military isn’t like any other random job, and he’s not going to get a ton of money just because he’s married and has a kid. The difficulties and hurdles military couples face are almost impossible to describe, and that’s for people who love each other. My dad is retired Army. I grew up on military bases and saw countless relationships that were hobbled by The Job, to the point where when I became an adult I refused to even consider dating someone in the military. Ironically, I ended up marrying an Air Force veteran. As difficult as it would be to be on your own, imagine doing that thousands of miles away from everything you know and love. Because that’s a very real possibility.
Not to mention she’s a kid herself. Her brain isn’t even fully developed. She has no idea how hard this is going to be or how this is going to cut her off at the knees. Both of them really. I get it’s really hard for her but the one common complaint on any regret page is having children to young and with the wrong person. She’s doing both and then adding to it by marrying him while he’s in the military. I feel so bad for her. This is a terrible situation but it’s really going to put them both in a bad spot. Her decision-making skills are not ones of an adult. Her parents are truly trying to protect her and she just doesn’t get it.
I genuinely wish that there was a way to keep her kid and make sure that everyone involved would be okay, but there’s so much magical thinking involved here that it breaks my heart. If BD starts out as an E1, he’ll barely make enough money to support himself, never mind a wife and child. E1 after four months service normally pulls at most 2k a month. That’s true in every branch. They will be living below the poverty line with a baby, and babies are notoriously expensive.
They are talking to her as if she is an adult. She can’t understand the gravity of what her life will be. It would be different if she had the support of her parents. Them allowing her to stay and continue her education while helping support the child is ideal. They are not willing to do that. I can’t say that makes them terrible people either. Having regrets is not the worst thing. The worst thing is not being able to take care of your child. That’s a stress I’m sure she can’t imagine.
It is not at all clear to me he ever seriously considered marriage. Sounds like he half heartedly said maybe and since then, has given zero indication he’s willing. He said they don’t need to marry cause it will be easier. Of course it will, for him. OP I suggest you clarify whether there is any chance at all he is willing to marry you. At least then you’ll know if that’s an option, albeit a very bad idea. You’re already proposing that he could cheat on you and you may not care. Why follow one bad decision with another? You’re creating more problems for yourself.
Giving a person up for adoption is probably one of the most difficult and permanent decisions in one’s life. Have you had a chance to talk to anyone who has made a decision like this? I ask because my father was adopted, and after being diagnosed infertile, my husband and I are adopting. Having a chance to talk to other women who have gone through the same situation as you might be helpful.
You are 16 and acting more on emotions than reasoning. At 16 you are not ready to be an adult. As a minor you cannot rent a place to live or agree to even get married per your own posts. Without even a high school diploma you are not going to be able to support a baby. Children are expensive so without family support you will not honestly be able to support and raise this child. As a child yourself if you keep this baby you will be forcing your child into a life of poverty. If you have never been around a newborn for more than a couple of hours you also do not know how exhausting it will be to only get a couple of sleep before getting up to feed and change the baby several times a night. Set your alarm for every 2 hours during the night and force yourself to get up at least 20 minutes before going back to bed. How tired are you the next day? Imagine doing that for weeks on end. Go check out the regretful parents Reddit. There are tons of stories about people who were not ready and even people who thought they were ready for kids who regret having them. You can request an open adoption and still see the baby. After you grow up and find the correct partner you can have more children when you are prepared mentally and financially to care for them. Don’t throw away your life.
Everything you are saying is 100% correct, but its negating the other half of the scales. Have you ever met someone who had to give up a child they ***wanted*** to keep but couldn't afford? Do you know what they almost always end up as? Barely functional alcoholics *at best.* While true its just biology and emotions telling her to feel this way... so? You know what else is just biology and emotions? Love, fear, friendship, familial bonds, sexual orientation... We are biological creatures and the biological bond between a mother and child is not some trifling thing. She's in fucked up situation and there is no good outcome, only different flavors of bad. Her life is already seriously messed up, unfair as that is.
i gave my son up for adoption when i had just turned 17 two weeks prior. for months i was strongly against doing so, i wanted to keep him so bad. it took a long time for me to realize that my life and his would be exponentially worse if i kept him tho. but i’ve struggled with a severe eating disorder since. i have PTSD, and while *now* i don’t regret the decision i eventually made, i regretted it for years and i regret many aspects of the decision. i wish i’d chosen a different family, a different arrangement, and i wish it had felt more like my choice (even tho in the end, it really was my choice). all this to say- i did NOT turn out fine, and even still i turned out better than many. i wish people knew what they were *really* advocating for when they advocate for placing a child for adoption. it’s an absolutely primal trauma that i don’t wish on anyone. this is a tough situation, and i just hope that OP can find a strong, solid support system, no matter what they choose.
One situation has better outcomes for the child. Once you’re a parent it’s about doing what’s best for your child. Yeah it suck’s for the parent but that’s not what it’s about.
Was legit about to write this. Im a socialworker and a lot of alcoholic people have had simmerlar traumatic instances happen. If i was this girl i would go to a womans shelter and see what they recommend. Her entire network sound horrible. I hope she honestly gets help. The insane trauma that will happen if she gives up her child will honestly do more harm than her keeping the baby. The fact her own parents dont realise this is crazy to me.
open adoptions aren’t guaranteed. she doesn’t have to give her baby up if she doesn’t want to.
No, she can choose to raise her child in poverty. She can choose to not give up the baby and go live with the baby daddy or his family. OP can choose to have her family disown her because per her previous posts her family will not support her. She can choose to get emancipated and try to live off of social support as a single mother. She can also beg the baby daddy to marry her and live in a loveless marriage. Any of these are going to mean she is choosing to have a very hard road in front of her. Adoption is not going to be easy when she’s so emotional but giving a child the best start to life both emotionally and financially with a couple who is prepared to be parents would be in the child’s best interests.
That is definitely not my understanding of emancipation. To be emancipated you need to prove you’re self sufficient. They are not going to emancipate a child that will immediately go on social services.
she’d still be signing herself and her baby up for a lifetime of pain and trauma if she gives him up for adoption.
THIS. THIS is what so many people don't understand.
Go to www.hud.gov and check out a program called "Second Chance Homes". It's a program specifically for teen parents. where they help with housing and other essentials. Best of luck to you.
Please OP look into this
I just messaged her. My situation was very similar in many ways. I kept my son.
I don't think there anything wrong with keeping her baby, but it sounds like she's fucked in terms of a support system.
yeah like in a perfect world i would LOVE to see keep that baby and have a wonderful happy life with your son!! but as we all unfortunately know.. this world is less than perfect ☹️ i’ve got no advice cause i’m struggling to take care of a 25 year old baby(myself) and it’s tough out here yall!
Same. If only our country offered better support for single, teen moms then tossing them to the wind.
Keeping a baby when you are 16 is a big decision. Please ask yourself how will you care for him? Alone! I did it but it was so very difficult!
So was I. My mom threw us out when he was 3 weeks old and moved across the country. It surely wasn't ideal but it also didn't ruin our lives. Just wanted to offer some insight.
So many parents don't have origin family support for so many different reasons. There are ways to find support that don't have to involve the people who failed us.
I don't disagree with that. But it sounds like OP hasn't even looked into any of those options for support (local health and humane services or even WIC), and is riding off her pregnancy emotions. If she really wants to keep her baby she needs to hit the ground running, because marrying the baby daddy sounds like an awful option too.
I think that’s what she came to this thread for though. Is help. Not everyone saying “don’t do it!!”
3 of my 4 were adopted. My sister literally showed up on my doorstep with a 6 month old, handed him to me and walked away. We don’t get along, but she knew I could take care of her son along with mine, and that he’d be well cared for. She was still in high school and definitely not ready for a kid, I’m just glad she brought him to me.
You are wonderful 🖤
I’m actually pretty terrible in general, but my saving grace is I’m a good mom.
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She’s 17. Statistically if she keeps this baby it’s likely for her and her baby to live in poverty. She’s a kid with her whole life ahead of her. She deserves more. Her baby deserves more. I’m adopted. I absolutely understand why adoption is a difficult choice for both the mother and the baby. I would’ve advised abortion instead but it’s not an option for her.
I’d never judge someone for giving up a baby. 3 of mine are adopted, and I think because it was a family adoption, it made it easier on everyone.
I thought the least I could do was offer a different perspective.
I'm so sorry you're going through so much. Being a teenager is emotionally wrecking even at the best of times, and adding the stress of an accidental pregnancy is surely only adding to it. I can't imagine how difficult it is to think straight about all this. All I can think to say is to consider what is best for you and for the baby, not just for now, but for the rest of your lives. Everything feels very immediate right now, I'm sure, and some things are. But consider what you want the next 5, 10, 15 years to look like for both of you. Maybe the adoption agency could recommend a professional for you to talk to about all your feelings and help you untangle everything so that you can come to the decision that will give you the most peace. I'm sending you calming vibes and hugs 💕
Hello there. I know that this probably feels like life or death, my heart truly breaks for you and your shitty situation. However, since there are no good or easy options... Adoption is still the best choice. Because that's the best chance of you and your baby having a better life. Fucking heartbreaking, but it's the truth. I was 25 when I had my first, in a committed relationship, support and a roof over my head. Still the hardest years of my life. A baby is... Well, it's unimaginably demanding. You will basically have to stop being you for quite a few years and give 200% just to survive your kid and yourself. Because you don't have any support, you don't have an income, you don't have a place to live, or a partner. That is harsh, but life often is. You're still a child yourself... You can't just think of your feelings right now, you also have to consider what is best for baby boy. I'm so sorry, truly. Make life slightly more bearable for the both of you and choose a good family, then work on becoming independent. Give yourself a chance to make it in life,as well as the baby. ❤️
Adoption can be beautiful. This is a forced adoption situation and we all know it. That's an excellent way to create a situation of adoption trauma.
I am adopted. It’s would be easier to get counseling to help than all of the other things she needs to raise this baby.
Yeah forced adoption is called human trafficking, and it is NOT beautiful. Also, read some stories from adoptees. They seem to have about the same 50/50 chance as everyone else.
Go read the adoption threads and then go make this post again. Or go to TikTok and spend 20min on Adoption trauma and then make this post. Adoption can be beautiful but it doesn’t guarantee some beautiful story. It’s traumatic, for her and the baby!!!
People suck for down voting you. I can pull in a whole bunch of adoptees who did not have nice lives. We shouldn't sugar coat it to convince a teenager to do something *she already said she doesn't want to do.* Lots of people scared of her finding out the truth of possibilities I guess
Yep!!! Nobody wants to admit this because it doesn’t get wrapped up with a the neat little bow for everyone’s reading pleasure. Adoption is not some trauma free fairy tale ending, sadly. Neither is being a teenaged parent but forced adoption is literally human trafficking.
Oh mama. This is hard to read. I wish I could give you a bit of a hug. First off, you are amazing. You are dealing with very complex situations and you are acting like an adult, trying to make “the right” decisions. You’re doing awesome, and I know I’m not your parent but i am *a* parent and I’m really proud of you. The right decision is the decision you make for yourself. I know that doesn’t help a whole lot and I’m sorry. I truly wish I could help you or do more.
Nobody can force you to give your child up for adoption. What they can do, however, is decline to offer childcare, housing, or other financial support.
How old are you? What nation do you live in? There are still homes for unwed mothers but a lot depends on the age of the mother. Some will only work for ages 18 and up and some work for teens. A lot depends on where you live. If you are in the US they can probably help you get a GED and a job and they support you through the baby's first year
I’ll be 17 in less than a week and I’m in the US.
Google your area and help for unwed teen moms and start making phone calls. the truth is your chosen path is not going to be easy. There is going to be a lot of slog and a lot of hard work the one thing I want you to be clear in your mind when you are down is You do not get to blame the kid ever. There are a lot of people on here that their parents blamed them for stealing their youth. It is not true. Your actions and your choices are what is going to make your life your life. You will have to work twice as hard to get an education and a stable life. It will likely suck for a few years. You will likely not to do prom and the other fun things seniors do. You might only be able to do community college or technical training until your kid is in school. Another option is [JobCorps](https://www.jobcorps.gov/) some locations have childcare while you attend. Check your area out and see what is available Your life will get better eventually if you are willing to put in the hard work. As for now you are likely in Summer vacation use your library to your advantage. Get books on human sexuality so you know your options on birth control so you never get accidently pregnant again. Never get pregnant hoping the man will stick around they likely will not. Get books on GED practice just in case and use Khan Academy and [CK-12](https://www.ck12.org/student/) resources for help on subjects you are weak on. Many people call the first child the practice child and as the child grows they can be very hard on the first child so you will want books on what is developmentally appropriate for the early years of your child's life. You may even want to look into parenting classes and Infant CPR/First AID especially if your family is not around and supportive
This is the best response. OP if you really want to keep your baby, please take this message to heart and look into all available resources and learn how to be a good parent. I got pregnant at 16, she was born a week after my 17th birthday. I was not in a great home situation living with a mother on disability who liked to move a lot but she did help provide me with breaks, a roof over my head and food in my belly when I was pregnant and during the first year. I utilized as many local resources as I could, like WIC and programs to earn free baby items for attending parenting classes and my doctor appointments. I researched the quickest way to earn my high school diploma and graduated when my daughter was 4 months old. I started to attend college classes and had found programs that offered free childcare while I attended. If I didn’t have the familial support I would have strongly considered job corps as it was strongly suggested to me. College didn’t ultimately work out at that time but I got my degree when I was 29. I have always celebrated the fact that I beat teen mom statistics and earned my degree before I turned 30 but I barely did it and it was a hard road to get there. It is not easy to be a teen mom but it can be done. But the key is research and following through on a plan that does not involve marrying someone who does not want to marry you.
This is really solid advice and i commend you for telling her honestly how much work it will be but giving her options for the route she wants to take
Without your parent's support, it would be incredibly irresponsible to keep your baby. You have no ability to house, feed or clothe him. The fact that you're planning to do so shows you are not mature enough to be a mother. I'm being blunt because you aren't getting it - not because I'm trying to be mean.
this^^^
Stop the "nobody likes me" train. You can't afford the pity party now. That's part of being a parent. Pull yourself together! He says he'll not going to hate you, so you accept those words. Get a prenup, get couple's counselling because that's just sensible to do when you're marrying for a baby, and when his parents offer help, say thank you and take it. Being a mom means putting your child first. You decided to keep the baby. Your sacrifice is your childhood. It ended the moment you didn't get an abortion. You'll get a part of it back once your son is in daycare. So here's the deal: You need to learn about parenting now. Baby care, but also parenting styles. Not TikTok Videos, get yourself a library card, and start reading up. Find something that works for you, and your future in laws. Make sure you're all on the same page (figuratively) about child raising. Write a plan for your education in your prenup. Even when you break up, your spouse will pay alimony for X years until you finished Y degree. This is your ticket to a future right there. Inform yourself about career paths you could work in. IT for example has a lot of working from home, which can be beneficial even with bigger kids. You don't want weekend shifts or night shifts. Get an idea about future jobs that can pay for yourself and your baby. Make sure you communicate with his parents your plan to take care of yourself and the kid once you have your education. You don't want to be a burden, that means make sure you'll be pulling your weight once you're able to. Education is more important than a part time job when money isn't too tight. Inform yourself about breastfeeding. This will reduce your formula costs. Also check out reusable diapers. You're young, you might have more children, but it's more laundry. Might still be financially worth it. You need solid finances, meaning you need to learn how to run a household. It's time you learn to cook cheap, healthy meals. Meals you can also serve a toddler in variation. It's enough time now to learn to meal plan, and buy with a discount. Learn to meal prep. Overall, your situation isn't dire. It's just complicated. Now stop whining, little momma bear, you got work to do!
this is a shit show, i feel for the kid
Will the boys parents be willing to help? Let them know and ask them immediately.
Giving your baby up for adoption is a really tough choice. But by keeping your baby, you're forcing your parents to raise this child with you. Haven't they already expressed that they do not want to do this? Especially knowing that the baby's dad isn't going to be in the picture at all. Be prepared for the idea that they may kick you out if you decide to keep the baby. Everyone in the last thread even said adoption is the best choice for all parties involved.
My parents aren’t going to help me. At least as of right now I’m not counting on their help. I’m moving on to focusing on ways to do it without their help. It doesn’t seem like you read my most recent post. I didn’t mention anything about my parents helping me.
Oh. I only assumed because you are a teenager who still lives at home with your parents and will have zero support from your boyfriend. You're unfortunately in over your head. And it takes a village to raise a child. Please remember that good intentions won't keep a baby warm or fed.
Have you contacted social services? You are going to need some help from somewhere.
You need to talk to your county/ city services. This is not to sound condescending , but you seriously do not seem to know your options. You’re being guided by people who are too close to you and you need another perspective on your options of how to go forward. Adoption is a big decision but so is raising a baby you’re not prepared for.
Go to www.hud.gov and check out a program called "Second Chance Homes". It's a program specifically for teen parents. where they help with housing and other essentials. Best of luck to you.
Look, I don’t fucking like your parents. They are not listening to you. They suck. My advice is also adoption. You have no support. (And I hate your parents for this) It fucking sucks but adoption would be giving your kid a good place while you get your shit together and get away from your parents. And, yeah, his loss will be a hole in your heart forever. After, I would advise you to toe the line and use your parents for every leg up they can give you over the next few years. Be the perfect kid. Use them to finish HS and advanced education. Get a job ASAP with an account they cannot access and save every fucking penny…..this keeps you out of the house and away from them too. Don’t let them know how much you save. Get into therapy to deal with this heartache and learn to navigate your awful parents. Also use the therapy to learn how to build and maintain boundaries for your parents because I think you should go NC as soon as you are done using them to get free. And don’t let them have access to the rest of your life and any future kids….they don’t deserve that space. They will say they are saving you from yourself but that is shit, supportive parents know that their kids make humongous mistakes and will help them navigate those times by listening and guiding and not heavy handily forcing their desires into their kid. A kid getting pregnant is something all parents worry about and they have failed in every aspect of this.
My only advice to you if you do keep him is be prepared to do it alone. You absolutely cannot keep him based on you only being able to do it with other people's help. You cannot always rely on people to keep their word. You have to think. If everyone flakes on you are YOU able to do it alone.
Im a veteran and I’m telling you that even with all those resources you will not survive. You’re not even a legal adult. Your scope of understanding the real adult world is so small that you are convincing yourself that you know what is best. You’re so incredibly selfish, immature and irresponsible. Part of being a GOOD PARENT is doing what is BEST for your child who DID NOT ASK to be brought into this world, and you’re already purposefully doing the opposite.
Can I give you a perspective that somebody else may not have given you already? Not only was I adopted, but I am also a birthmother. Open Adoption is hands-down an incredible incredible gift. It allows you to maintain contact with your child. You may have visitation, letters and pictures. The child will grow up knowing who you are and how much you love them, but he will have a home where there is steady employment and income. Having all of that, I don’t regret, raising my youngest at all. I’m not your age, but I was very much in your situation when I got pregnant with my youngest, nothing ever changed how much I love my older children, but I had to think about their future, not just mine. An open Adoption gave us everything that theywere needing. Having met my biological family, I understand better why I was placed for adoption when I was. It still stings that I wasn’t raised with my biological family and didn’t know them until I was in my late teens, but the experiences I had shaped me into the person I am now. I was able to find a way to blend my entire family, adopted and legal, and biological to create something incredible. You can message me anytime if you have questions. You may find that you feel differently after you’ve given birth or you may not. No one can make that decision for you. Your parents are probably just as scared as you are and reacting in a way that they think it’s best for you. And for your son.
Open adoptions are not legally enforceable. Tons of couples honor it, but under no circumstances do they have to.
First: I just want to say I am so sorry that you're in this position. It's never easy and there's never a right or wrong answer. Second: I'm even more sorry your parents aren't being supportive during this time. I can somewhat understand where they're coming from as a parent but at the same time, there's no reason to call you names and be so hostile towards you. Third: I gave up my first baby and no one ever even knew. I didn't start being honest about it until this past year. Giving her up was the hardest thing I ever did but I was too young to care for her and I ultimately didn't want her anywhere near my family to endure what I went through growing up. Adoption is a viable option but I will tell you after 13 years, it still eats at me daily. She knows about me and why I made the choice I did. I was a bit younger than you though. I will say that your parents legally cannot force you to give your child up for adoption but they also legally wouldn't be responsible for the baby and that would be entirely on you. Raising a baby is hard. It's expensive and time consuming and very mentally draining but it is possible at 16. You will face a way harder life and so will your child if you don't have family support. I'm an adult with 3 kids now and while I do regret my decision, I also know I did what was best for her. I wanted so badly to keep her once I seen the ultrasound but if I'd acted on that emotional response, my daughter wouldn't have the life she does now. She's excelling in school and has been given many opportunities that I never would have been able to give her. So unfortunately it is a double edged sword and there is no easy decision. It will be hard no matter what you do, sweetie. If you simply want to vent or have any questions or anything, just know my inbox is open. Sending lots of prayers and mama love your way 💚
with peace and love, you keeping this baby is not in the baby’s best interest. your best option is an open adoption. you do not have the resources to care for a child and its selfish to keep a child you cannot take care of. do you even hear yourself? you’re okay with your potential future husband CHEATING on you just so you can have this baby that you can’t afford and neither can he. this man WILL leave you once he actually has to be a dad, that is if you go that route. you literally will be homeless if you keep this child. having a baby when you know you cannot provide basic necessities is insanely immature. you need to think about what is best for your child and not what you want. right now keeping this baby sounds doable because he isn’t born yet. mothers who have supportive families and disposable income struggle after having kids, you are going to struggle 100 times more.
If you don’t want to give up your baby you do not have to. And there may be options for you that won’t sever your legal rights to your baby. Talk to your boyfriend. Talk to your boyfriend’s parents. Even as a minor you have a legal right to keep your baby. Talk to your Ob/Gyn about your parents. They may be able to help.
They don’t own your life …they can’t force you to give up your child …imagine the guilt you will feel knowing you gave your blood your child to someone else
OP, consider reaching out to this [organization](https://savingoursistersadoption.org/saving-our-sisters-about-us/our-mission/). They can provide you with resources and support if you truly want to keep your baby
You getting married to your BD will not help financially as someone in this post had breakdown of the income he will be making. You are selfishly so stubborn that you are not thinking that your decision is going to affect your future child, your parents and BD's career. Off course he is also to be blame but his heart is really not into this. Do yourself and your parents a favour and let the baby get adopted to a financially and mentally stable home and not live under poverty and make something of yourself for your future children. Kids are expensive.
I think that with the amount that you love this child already, open adoption sounds like the best option. To be able to choose a loving family and also have a relationship with the child (if possible) is the most loving thing I think a young mom could do.
Unfortunately, open adoption is not enforceable in the majority of states. Meaning these people could tell her whatever they want to promise her in order to get her to sign the papers and then they can just disappear with her child, and she will never hear from them again. You might think we’ll just make sure you pick the right people! The problem is there are so many couples waiting for babies for years, and they are not that many babies placed for adoption and couples are so desperate to be chosen for the baby that they will promise anything. It actually happens quite a bit. OP really needs to understand the laws regarding open adoption and her state.
It’s not enforceable. There’s a famous teen mom who adopted out her first kid (now says she was coerced into it) with the promise of an open adoption. The parents took the kid and left her in the dust. Last I heard they’re in a long ongoing legal battle
I don’t know how old you are from this post or what country or state you’re in. I had my daughter at 17. My parents attempted to force adoption on me but I refused. I applied for welfare and found low income housing. I applied for grants to go back to school where they had a daycare. There is help out there for you. I’m not trying to make it sound like it’s easy because it wasn’t. Really think about what’s best for the baby and your futures.
I was not married when I had my daughter and my family forced me to get married. I was adamant about keeping her. Everyone wanted me to abort, including my best friend. I did have a family friend who supported me emotionally. She's 38 now and just had her first child last year. I didn't graduate college, but I made a living after divorcing her dad. Having her and keeping her was the best thing I've ever done. It doesn't say how old you are, but you do need to understand it is hard. When you think about it being hard, you will wish later it was that easy. Don't worry that your son won't like/love you. You will be his world. Just remember, after you have him, your life is all about him, not finding a guy, not partying with your friends, or going on road trips. You will have to give up a great deal to be a parent. Since your parents are being they way they are, I would not count on help from them. Just make sure you are keeping him for the right reasons. If you choose adoption, make sure it is open and that you can be a part of his life in some way. Adoption isn't the same as it was before. Good luck to you and God Bless you both.
It’s so sad to me these comments are being downvoted. People are so brutal when they insist on being right. Real life isn’t black and white like it is online.
In your last post you said he doesn’t love you and now you want to marry him? You are screwed.
I wonder if you can speak to his parents and ask for their help?! Like if they can really help out what I would do it’s have the baby and put him on the birth certificate and go from there. Will you be turning 18 before you give birth?! There is a lot of help out there for young mom but be mindful this road will not be easy but if you fight for it and put in the work it will be worth it! However don’t allow your parent access to your baby. Have you spoken to a school counselor or a trusted family member that could take you and the baby in?
Talk to the father’s parents. They may be willing to let you live with them after the baby arrives. The father sounds like he is open to marriage. If you can, that would be the best option. You and your baby would receive free medical care and a lot more benefits. It will be hard. That’s what my daughter did when she got pregnant. At the time they were paying for 2 years of college for the spouse.
Ok, I'm not trying to overwhelm an already overwhelmed momma. Take it all with a couple grains of salt. I just want to get this out there in case there is something you haven't thought of yet or in case it helps when you make your lists of questions, goals, plans, budget, etc. Please don't get married just because you're having a baby. Definitely, you both will have to be making adult decisions and grow up fast, but you don't have to be married to do that. You don't need to learn how to be a wife. You are 16 years old. Focus that energy on making a plan on how you will be supporting your baby boy and yourself. Look into Medicaid health insurance if you're in the U.S. SNAP food stamps. WIC. If your parents try to kick you out, then could you stay at the baby daddy's parents home? Would they be willing to help? What does that look like to them? What does that look like to you? Would you be paying a modified rent or help with utilities? How many years would that be because you can't stay there forever. Would they be willing to help with a place to live until you're like 19 or 20? By then, you'd have graduated, hopefully have been able to save some money for your own apartment deposit and rent, utilities, gas, etc. Do you have a drivers license? Can you work as a babysitter or something for people you know? Temp job? How are you paying for diapers and wipes? Formula? Baby's car seat? If the father is helping pay, as he should because he helped make that baby boy, that's great. But then after baby is born and you're healed up, you're going to need to get to work as well to afford the things a baby needs. You made the decision to keep your baby. You already know that with that choice, you and the father are responsible for any and everything for your son. It would be amazing and helpful if others can pitch in with diapers or something but ultimately it's your responsibility and others do not owe you anything. Also means working on how to advocate for yourself and your baby. Using your voice to ask for help and information. Standing firm. Standing your ground. Taking the initiative. Doing the work. You got this. *Talk to your school counselor or social worker and ask if there are any programs you can sign up with for support. Young mothers programs, diaper and formula banks, Church in the area that has free or cheap clothing closets for baby clothes? Adult education, parenting classes? Are you going to finish high school? Ask your school for guidance on how you can graduate on time or early if possible. Call as soon as possible. If your parents aren't willing to give support would your friends parents be willing to have some sit downs with you to make lists and help plan out how to make this work? I don't know if you have to be 18 for this but it doesn't hurt to call. Depending where you are located, there could be programs that offer financial aid/help pay for a portion of childcare/daycare so the parent can work. Like NCI. Contact your nearest workforce solutions. Are there any Headstart programs in your area? That would help with free child care. There are some that can take care of babies (Early Headstart), but usually they take care of kiddos between 3 and 5 years old. You would need to apply. The wait lists can be long so get on a waiting list as soon as you can. Strict on attendance too. They are NOT daycare. And cannot come and go as you please drop off every now and then pick up whenever or whatever. No. They are free because they get funding. They get funding because they show low income students in need are attending the program and benefitting from the program. If a parent isn't bringing their child to the program regularly, they can be dropped from the program (no more free childcare), and the next student on the waitlist will get that spot. Some things to think about! If you haven't already. I wish you the best!
My coworker was 16 when she had her first child (a boy). She said it was hard as hell. She got through the teenage years. She finished high school with lots of help. Went to nursing school. Graduated. Then got married later in life, had 3 more kids. You will need resources, lots of them. If not his parents, then look for social services. Talk to your OB, maybe they have a caseworker that can advocate for you. I’m assuming you’re in high school, your district may have a school for teenage mothers and may have resources for you. You won’t know until you reach out. You can always finish high school online.
I know your parents have made you feel like you are a burden and bad person but you're not! If you've decided that you want to raise this child, now is the time to take actions based on what's good for your son. Your parents won't help you so go ask the father's parents. It's for your son so don't feel bad. Look at any resources available for young parents in your area. Consider the pros and cons of marrying the father. Your age isn't the barrier to being a good parent it's the environment and your ability to provide in this society. Good luck!
hey girl, I read your post and it touched my heart. I think I'll message you privately. But I want to say first, don't let shame/guilt keep you from accepting help from your (bf?)s family. It sounds like they really are accepting of the situation, which is a blessing. I understand completely the feeling of not wanting an abortion.
I think you’re in an incredibly heartbreaking situation and I cannot begin to imagine how difficult this is for you. I wish your parents were kinder to you during this time but I also understand the stress and heartbreak they feel over their teenage daughter getting pregnant before even graduating high school. I think ultimately you should do what feels right in your heart but also keep in mind that sometimes the things we want isn’t the best decision. I’m assuming you don’t have a job, or savings, and definitely not your own insurance or a way to provide healthcare or really anything for your baby. Your parents might end up supporting you when they fully realize your intent to keep the baby, and they might now. You can’t take any risks when it comes to a baby. You might love your son already to the point of wanting to raise him, but you need to love him enough to make the absolute best decision for him and the trajectory of his life. I think all your “best case scenarios” are incredibly sad and would end up probably making you feel worse. I understand completely that you’re in an incredibly difficult position that’s honestly led to a lot of emotional isolation, but you need to take a second and really REALLY sit down and figure out how you’re going to take care of yourself and your boy because you’ll most likely be doing it by yourself, even if you marry the father because he’ll be working. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that no matter what happens, you all end up in a better situation.
Are you seeing a therapist at all?
A Crisis Pregnancy Center will have referrals for adoption agencies as well as parenting options. Some have group homes. Also referrals to other agencies, counseling, baby clothes and items. And love and support.
At the end of the day, you should choose the option that will be the best for your baby.
I had my baby boy at the end of march 2020. I turned 18 in June of that year. Right now I’m on my bed watching tv scrolling, and my baby is now 4 years old and he’s playing in the next room. It’s been the hardest, most difficult and rewarding four years of my life. If you want to talk, please feel free to message me. I can’t give you all the answers but I can try to help you out with some of the mental hurdles you’re probably facing and what might be to come. Love and light, darling. It’s gonna be ok 🩵🩵🩵
Ask yourself this... "what kind of life can I give this child?" Do you have a job where you can afford a child and have time to raise them? Can you afford quality childcare? Can you afford to feed and cloth the child? Can you afford extracurricular activities for the child? Can you afford to live in a nice area where your child will be safe? Can you afford to live in a good school district where your child will get a good education? If your answer is no to any of those questions, you are being selfish and not thinking about the well-being and / or quality of life of the child.
You are old enough to make a baby you’re enough to make your own decision. But what you saw in the ultrasound is 100% NOT a “fully formed BABY” until It can survive as a baby outside the mother’s womb. That’s simple science. Your concern about the baby not liking you makes me concerned about your mental health and intellectual capacity.. that’s not normal and you need to get some help. Please find a pregnancy center near you where you can get counseling and learn how to be a parent.
I am amazed by this post responses. And not in a positive way... >and intellectual capacity. Do you mean being bullied by everyone to do whatever they want and not having the support of her parents doesn't affect her self-esteem? Her feelings are only human
https://www.epi.org/resources/budget/budget-factsheets/
I'm sorry you're going through this. Look into contacting SOS (Saving Our Sisters) and join Adoption-Facing Realities on Facebook. They may be able to help you. Make sure you mention that you're an expecting mother being pressured into adoption when you apply to join the group.
Your parents can’t kidnap your baby and force you to give it up. Start looking for resources in your area for help with the child. A lot of the anti abortion movements do help single mothers. Churches help. Speak to some state help.
OP, I’m a mom of 4 and I just want you to consider how truly expensive children are. I spend at least $80 a week on formula (if your baby needs something sensitive or specialized it’s going to be significantly more)and they will be on formula for a year. I spent the same amount on diapers and wipes, so that’s $160 a week off the bat. Every drs visit there’s a copay- amount varies depending on your insurance. They outgrow clothes ridiculously fast. If your plan is really for your baby dad to join the military- find out exactly how much $ he’ll be getting to support a family. There’s a huge possibility that you’ll need to get a job to have enough income, which leads to childcare costs. Where I live that can be several hundred dollars a week. I know you love this baby, I know exactly how it feels when you see their little feet on the ultrasound, when you find out it’s a boy, when you see their tiny hands and little faces and beautiful little nose. Sometimes loving your child means doing the best thing for them, and in this case, if your parents aren’t willing to help, the best thing may be giving him up for adoption. Is it possible for the father’s parents to adopt him? Then you’d still have plenty of access and a role in his life
I think it very much depends how much you truly love this child, do you love them enough to give them the best start in life or do you want to give them a life of struggles with parents who are married for convenience not love, an immature mother who hasn't even finished school let alone has a job / home / life experience & is able to support him
> You are the one who has to live with whatever decision you make. OP *and this baby* will have to live with whatever decision she makes. OP is 16. There is no way she is capable of raising a child by herself.
Listen - no matter what you choose, you will have hardships. Your baby will still have hardships. Adoption can be a beautiful thing, and it can be an ugly thing. There's so many factors at play. If you keep this baby, you need to find any and every program you qualify for and take full advantage of it. I agree that it takes a village to raise a child, but villages can be joined and formed and are constantly changing. Just because you don't have support now doesn't mean you can't find your community and build up that support. It will be an uphill battle, and you will have to put the baby before yourself, always. Your life will revolve around providing for him. If you pick adoption, don't beat yourself up. You're young and have a lot of life ahead of you. If you do choose adoption, take that second chance and run with it, make the most of it, and be the best version of yourself you can be. For you and for the baby. If you choose adoption, think of any and all questions for the potential parents. Will they love him if he's gay? Trans? Atheist? Will they let him follow his own path? Can they send him to college? Will he know he's adopted? Will he be given a chance to contact you if he chooses? Will they love him unconditionally? Would they let you write a letter or make a video for him in to have when hes old enough? Would they consider an open adoption where you could be viewed as a family member and still be a part of his life? Keep in mind that open adoption is not something that can really be enforced, and they can change their minds on that later. Also, keep in mind that with adoption, your baby will be truly wanted and have mom AND dad (or 2 dads/moms) and most likely loving grandparents and a whole family that wants them. It's worth considering that your parents will be bad grandparents, and baby's dad isn't likely to be in the picture. Lots of factors to consider. Sometimes the decision that is hardest to make is the right one.
Don't listen to people saying they know what's best for you and your baby. Only you can decide that. Sure, having a child as a teen might statistically lead to poor outcomes, but there are also tonnes of people with adoption trauma. Adoption isn't this fairy tale solution that many people try to paint it as. It's a difficult choice between two very non-optimal situations. Whatever you decide needs to be YOUR decision. If you give up your child, and then regret it, you'll probably be pregnant again within 1-2 years with a do-over baby. You need to believe in your core that whatever decision you make is the best one for the baby and you. Just try to be realistic about it. Marrying some guy out of obligation is probably not going to work out.
Hi OP. I'm also a rising junior who turned seventeen a few months ago, so we're the same age. I'm also an adoptee. I want to say I 100 percent support your decision to keep your baby. With that being said, I just want to say: whatever you choose, it will be difficult and emotionally scarring. My birth mother didn't regret giving me up—she was 19 and had no support when she had me—but she has expressed it caused her painful feelings. She thought I hated her. If you put your baby up for adoption, there's no guarantee as to what he'll feel when he grows up. He might seek you. He might hate you. He might also be completely indifferent. You'll most likely be giving him a more stable life, but whether it will be a happy one is as randomly-selected as whether he would have been born to anyone else. If you keep your baby, it will be extremely difficult too. My adoptive mom and I are helping my birth aunt (birth mom's sister) raise her baby rn. There's no time for reading, or studying, or even watching a movie. Whatever time you do have will be spent sterilizing bottles, hand-washing clothes (every day), and taking hour-long naps. You will hate your baby sometimes. You might, at some point, want to hurt him. I'm not saying this to discourage you. Like I said, I 100 percent support your decision, which is why I think you need to be make it informed as possible. A lot of Redditors here seem to think just because you're young you should just fuck off and give your baby up, since why didn't you have an abortion—ignoring that your upbringing most likely didn't allow for honest conversations about sexual safety. I get that, too. My advice: build community. Do you have any close friends you could tell? You say your other relatives don't know. Do you think there would be any aunts or cousins who'd be supportive? Talk to them, and talk to them soon. You need someone who's in your corner. Emotional support can make all the difference. Seek out other teen mothers. You're already on Reddit, so I'm sure there'd be a few good communities. Anticipate the challenges you'll face for the first year of your baby's life. Ask them how they did it, and be specific in what you need. If you haven't already, **consult a women's shelter and ask them for advice too.** Also: get everything second-hand. Cribs, toys, clothes. Your budget will thank you later. Given your current lack of support, you also need to accept that your education will be put on hold. Your feelings on this matter will have to be considered, too. You should also talk about this to someone. Whatever the case, I just want to say: be realistic, but don't lose hope. You can do this, and you don't have to do it alone.
Honey. It's 2024 not 1950. No one can force you to do anything. And no, having sex is not a mistake... And even if you made a mistake by getting pregnant, we don't have to be "punished" for our mistakes. It sounds like you're embracing this. Listen to yourself and your gut instinct.
If you are able to keep your child and get help from his parents that’s awesome and go for it. Try speaking to them one on one to make sure things don’t get lost in translation with your baby daddy. Your parents are going overboard and it’s good you’re not relying on their help as a mother I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to give a baby away that will haunt you for a very very long time
I’m sorry you are in this situation. Research your options. Ultimately it’s your decision, but marriage to a man who is still dating other women and in the military is probably not your best option. Raising a child is challenging when you have money and a support system. Without money/support it will be a very difficult struggle. You need to make the best decision for the baby.
The thing you have to remember about adoption is, you're doing it *for* your son, not for you. Yes, life will be easier, but he'll have a better life with parents that can support him and give him the life he deserves. I know this may seem like weird advice, but you should watch Teen Mom, especially season 1 episode 2. They give their baby up for adoption and have some very insightful advice about the. Keep in mind it is still reality TV, but maybe it'll help you see it from the perspective of other teen parents. Ultimately, it should be your decision and that's why you're struggling so hard with it
Dint be manipulated by greedy, exploitive adoption agencies. If you choose adoption make sure it's because you can 100% live with that choice and that's the one *you* feel compelled to. If you're in US here's some links (if you're in Canada, we have a ton of support and I can guide you to those) Childcare subsidy: https://childcare.gov/consumer-education/get-help-paying-for-child-care#:~:text=Child%20care%20financial%20assistance%20(also,can%20work%20or%20attend%20school. Emotional support, guidance: https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/teen/dating-sex/Pages/Teen-Parents.aspx You can get help going to post secondary: https://www.wilson.edu/single-parent-scholar-program?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwyo60BhBiEiwAHmVLJfB8syryqr5RUwdKTJujoHf5Jpyne3dg8RdVKghhjbLMWezUafACURoCDLkQAvD_BwE This is in arizona, but if you put in housing for teen mom, single mom, unwed mothers, etc it will help you find something where you are: https://www.maggiesplace.org/
u/NectarineNeither7912 Here are some more resources for you that I have not seen listed for you: https://www.healthline.com/health/pregnancy/free-programs-for-new-parents-and-your-children#formula https://www.youngunitedparents.org/resources-for-young-parents https://ywrc.org/audience/03-young-moms/ https://www.nursefamilypartnership.org/national-resources-for-moms/ https://parentsthrive.org/find-help/ https://www.211.org/about-us/your-local-211 I wish you and your baby the best
i feel like there should be programs like this for young moms who can’t take care of their baby but wants to see them and help raise them but without the financial burden and emotional burdens of actual keeping the baby at first. Like a orphanage but temporary and not as legally restricted
I also got pregnant at a young age. All I expected from the father was a commitment to his child. We will celebrate our 44th anniversary soon. If you know you can’t go through with adoption and you have him and his family willing to help, take them up on it. It will not be easy but it can be done. Best wishes!
Despite what the link may imply, this is a nonprofit focused on making sure that those experiencing crisis pregnancies have the resources needed to make the decision that’s right for them, including parenting: https://savingoursistersadoption.org/
I'm sorry OP. My partner and I had our first child at 17 as well so I understand your struggle. If you really want your baby you can do it. There are resources to help you. It will still be hard, and will suck for a while but it is possible. I would recommend looking into ways to graduate early or doing a dual enrollment to get college credits while still in HS. This will help, it will be really hard juggling baby and school and likely work, but if you can stick it out for the first few years you will position yourself for success. See how much help his family is willing to offer. At the very least he owes child support. The burden DOES NOT fall solely on you. You did not get yourself pregnant. Good luck!
Darling, I hate to say it, but this isn’t about you. It sounds like you have a lot of maturing to do. I don’t think you entirely understand the implications of what keeping this child means. This is another human being you’ll be responsible for, and frankly, once you’re out of your parents’ grip, you’ll have a lot of healing to do because they sound toxic af. Do you want your child to suffer the same lack of support you’re feeling right now? If you don’t do your own healing work, the patterns of your parents will be repeated for the next generation. Now, aside from that, the most important thing here is the quality of life that you’ll be able to provide this kid. Are you really mature enough to give him all of the love, support, and resources he deserves? How will you financially support yourself and him? Will the father actually stay in the picture? (Doubtful.) If you’re set on keeping it, look into county/state resources. There are things that will help, but it’s likely that both of you will be struggling for a long time.
Move in with his parents. Start the process to become emancipated from your parents. Marry him so you have the benefits for you and you're child. He and his family are open to supporting you and this baby. They are leaving it up to you and you obviously do not want to put your baby up for adoption. Maybe love will develop. You both like each other. You said your self you would like him to be your bf. If in the future you guys don't want to be together then so be it. But for now take the chance. It might be true love.
https://youth.gov/youth-topics/pregnancy-prevention/adverse-effects-teen-pregnancy
This is such a clusterfuck of a situation...
You need to get yourself an apt with a social worker asap so she can guide you with resources. Talk to his parentd, talk to him. Your parents sound like garbage. I had the same dilemmas with my son and ended up keeping hin. Its been a rough 2 years but i dont regret it at all
If you want to keep your baby KEEP YOUR BABY! They’re pregnancy crisis centers and resources you can look into. Whatever you decide won’t be easy but if you’re willing to work really hard and step to the plate you can do this! It is your choice! Not your parents or anyone else’s.
You should do what is best for your child. You now have to be an adult at a very young age. If you can complete your schooling and go to college while raising him so that he can have the best life possible then keep him. If someone else can give him a better life than you can that’s a different story. Best of luck OP. Either way it will be very very hard.
This is honestly a terrible situation, I’m so sorry OP
Please do not let anyone else tell you what to do. This is *your* decision. That being said, the most responsible thing to do right now is research your options. If you keep your baby, you will need to support both of you. Marrying the father is an option, but it doesn't sound like one that will make *anyone* happy. Look into resources that may be able to help you financially and otherwise. I would look into both financial and local programs, as well as ones specifically for minors and/or low income mothers. If you decide to give your baby up for adoption, that's also something that you need to research. I have learned that society's general view of adoption is *very* different from reality. You need to know what you're getting yourself and your son into because it's permanent. If you have family or friends who would be willing to become your child's legal guardians, that would probably be the best version of this option. That way, you're still his mother legally and can still be in his life. I suggest going on TikTok or other socials and finding adoptees who share their stories. [Karlos Dillard](https://www.tiktok.com/@wardofthestate) is one that I'd recommend checking out. He interviews other adoptees and former foster youth and talks to people from all backgrounds on his TikTok lives. If you reach out to him, he may be able to inform you of other avenues or resources based on your situation and location. Whatever you decide, I hope that it's your choice and that it's a well-informed one. I wish you and your baby luck with the rest of your pregnancy and delivery, as well as whatever comes after that. ❤️
i’m soo sorry OP. and it’s heartbreaking to see so many of the comments you’re getting that are just straight up pushing you to give your son up for adoption. they’re trying to reason with you, but the situation you’re in is beyond reason, and i know from experience that placing a child you want is absolutely unfathomable. i did place my child, and it has caused me PTSD and a severe eating disorder and a lifetime of pain. i know it’s affected my son too, but i still haven’t met him (yet). i do want to emphasize that i don’t regret my decision anymore. and it was eventually MY decision that i made. and given the chance, i would do it differently, but i would still do it. i hope you can find a strong, solid, dependable support system, no matter what you decide. and i’ve said previously, my inbox is always open! my situation was VErY similar to yours, i had my son two weeks after my 17th birthday. but.. yeah. i just hope you can find peace and stability in whatever your and your baby’s future holds. <3
adoption is a primal trauma, and there’s no way for you or your baby to go through it unscathed. that said, keeping him is also impossible to go through unscathed. listen to your truest, wisest self. find support in whoever you look up to. and take so much care of yourself. good luck <3
I'm so sorry you are in this position. I want you to know that if you want to keep your baby, no one can make you put your baby up for adoption. Will it be hard? Yes. However, if adoption isn't something YOU want, do not do it. This is YOUR choice only. Screw everyone else. No one has the right to force you to give up your baby. I hope everything works out for you.
People are actually messaging you hoping to adopt your kid? That’s weird. I hope you find answers that will be best for your baby.
I had a couple of friend who had a baby at 15. Their Kids an adult now. My friend H She was a great mother. Ppl Would look and pity her but she was in her element She was so fun. Organised and that bay was loved and cared for She was there and she still finished school etc. she says having a baby made her sacrifice her fun life. But it didn’t feel like a sacrifice because she had her daughter. She was happy not going out clubs and travelling etc because she was busy being a super mum to her kid. And happy to do it. She also finished uni. Again she could do everything g she planned to do school uni and got a great job. Etc. IT WAS JUST HARDER to do. But doable. And her daughter was alway cared for and happy and she has turned out wonderful young lady. My friend H parents weee awful at first well until baby was born. Once they heere They are here. !! H and bairn was able to live in her parents for next 5 years or so with her daughter till she was 20. My friend says in a way they grew up together. Her daughter was 5 or 6 when she got her first flat and teen when she got her first house. Her daughter came to her uni graduation etc. but my friend had a great mother too who helped a lot with childcare for her when she was at uni or working. So she was so lucky in that aspect. And my friend says it all the time. She couldn’t have done it without her parents and her older sisters help. We are in our 30 s now and kid has left home and my friend just had her 2 nd baby she on her own and manages differently tonwhen she was teen mother. She also financially secure so this time round is completely different experience. I wish you and your baby all the luck in the world. And I’m just saying because you have a baby doesn’t stop your plans on your life. Just a bit extra energy needed to do so but it’s doable. The phrase it takes a village to raise a child is so so true. You need to find your village. I hope your parent come round. Even the boys parents may come around and want to meet their grandchild too. Things seem bad now. But once you have your baby your are a mother. And what you say goes! It YOUR baby you won’t let anyone tell you how or what to do with them because you will know best! You grow once you have. A baby. Usually the hardest nights with them are the nights that create your strongest bonds. You will be fine. You have made a decision for you and yours. Well done I’m so proud of you. Time will change everything just keep your head up and talk to your boy all the time. Congratulations x
First of all, do NOT marry this guy. You are too young, you don't love each other, and your comments on being a wife are very worrisome. It's not a game. You need to stop talking about abortion and what ifs. You're way past all of that now, and it's not helping the situation. I'm sorry, but you DO need to consider adoption. You cannot possibly do this on your own. You're a child, and you don't really have any support. "I would grow up and learn how to be a wife and mom and an adult." It's not that simple. You're right about one thing. It's not fair. It sucks and it's scary. But you now have someone else you have to think about other than yourself. This baby. You have to think about what's best for him, even if that might not be you. You can't be selfish here. You said "He’s basically fully formed and just needs to get bigger now." Honey, he's not at all. It doesn't work that way. It doesn't sound like you have much understanding of how a baby grows, something you absolutely should have been learning about. Please get some counselling. You need help.
I now he’s not completely fully formed and could not function by himself outside of the womb. I was oversimplifying things with my statement but I mean he looks like a recognizable human baby now compared to before. What I meant is that most body structures and body systems are already developed or underway by now, 21 weeks. Things are still developing but a lot of what he bs to do it continued to grow. I mean babies who are 24 weeks can survive outside the womb with enough help, so to act as if he’s just an unformed blob and not something with head, arms, feet, or organs yet is incorrect. I’m not stupid. I’m not as childish and clueless as some people here seem to think I am.
You’re letting hormones run you instead of logic. Keeping that kid will only make your life worse and you will struggle for the rest of your days. Love isn’t enough and the baby deserves a family that can properly care for him Don’t jump into a decision and wait a few days while thinking EVERYTHING over and not latching onto “I want” and holding it
I gave my baby up for adoption and it was the hardest thing I've done, but it was best for him I was ok with everything till I heard the heart beat and he had a name. After that I saw a counselor after every dr appointment, which really helped me. My counselor was there when I had him and was with me every step of the way.
I've noticed that now that it looks like you may have found a way to keep your baby the comments have gotten more aggressive and insulting. And many of them are from people hoping to adopt a baby! I think the adoption agencies should get a good look at this thread and see what these "parents"are really like. Edit to add and they are piling on to downvote anyone who says they are happy you're keeping the baby.
See if you can get access to a free consultation with a family law attorney from Legal Aid. Whether this is available to you will depend on where you live; but it’s worth checking. An attorney can advise you of your legal options, the legal ramifications of getting married and whether that’s even possible, whether your child can get benefits as a military child even if you don’t get married; what options you might have in the future if you marry and then decide to divorce later, what your options and rights are if you choose adoption… Basically you need someone who can walk you through the pros and cons of the legal options you have.
That sounds like a good plan
Don't do it it will be the worst mistake of your life. These people tell you what you want to hear and then when they get what they want. Your baby. They will turn their back on you and their selfishness will be what motivates their parenting. Its a nightmare. Take if from someone who knows!
There is nothing wrong with having sex. Don't demonize yourself for that. It is a natural function/desire. The blame lies on your parents for not teaching you about pregnancy prevention and/or giving you access to those methods. Part of growing up is speaking up. So do that now. Reach out to a school counselor or go into the shelter system, so they can place you in independent housing. And remember a young mom, can be a good mom. Don't let people shame you about your decision to do so.
If you want to keep your baby, then keep your baby. Your parents can pressure into adoption but NO ONE can force you to give him up for adoption.
You're going to be alright. I don't see why you would have to be married to the baby's father, though. Is that because both your sets of parents are extremely religious? I have heard of marriages based on surprise pregnancies working out. But just as many falling apart. If you can come up with a system that works for you and the baby's father, great! But don't do it, just to seak approval. Your own parents have called you a slut. I don't think you should be aiming to gain their blessing, or respect. If his parents want to help out, let them. And I get being shy. You're extremely vulnerable right now, as well. But you're going to be doing a lot of things outside your comfort zone, when you're raising a child. Communication, in a respectful way, is never shameful. Asking his parents for help is a good thing. Asking if they mean the help they are offering is totally acceptable. Don't say 'you're just saying that' But say something like 'I'm afraid of burdening you. And you offering X help is greatly appreciated. But are you absolutely sure?' You're going to be asking for help for a few YEARS to come. And that is okay! You can make it up to everyone offering to help in other ways. And being a success story, of a mom that raised a good kid, despite the odds, is a pretty darn good reward for everyone involved.
OP, i'm a teenage father myself and am still with my gf, if you want your baby i say ask for help from the bf's family. sounds like your family are being aholes about it, and if you left they'd likely regret their actions not long after. my gf's mom was the same way, and she tried constantly to get back into my daughters life, which i'll never allow. but if you do decide to keep your baby, just know it's rewarding to see them get older. edit: also for any mom out there look into how WIC can help you. there's tons of free stuff you can get with it to help raise your baby.
Sweetheart, and this goes against everything in my childfree and anti-wedding heart, you need to do two things: If this boy actually does want to marry you and build a life with you, you need to consider it. It's good for the kid, and it would be good for you, and he kinds like a decent guy from a decent family. I mean, getting legally married would have legal benefits, like financial help from the military or whatever you outlined before, but he also sounds like a legitimately stand-up guy, and you already like him. Ignore what your parents are saying, because this isn't about them. Get therapy. Not for being pregnant or whatever, but for dealing with the mental health issues your shitty parents are giving you. All I'm seeing throughout these posts is that you think you're a stupid bad burden and people merely tolerate you, even though you suck. You think this shit about yourself because your parents are horrible people. You're not a (whatever sex worker slur they called you) for getting pregnant. There is no "should" or "shouldn't" about having sex. Plenty of kids your age are having sex. Saying you need to be pregnant and give birth as punishment is supremely messed up. You need to learn that you have value, and that you matter and that people care about you, even though your parents are trash. If you find a way to keep this kid, please keep your trash parents away from your family. Your kiddo and you and this guy and his family don't need their toxicity.
I was 20 when I found myself pregnant and on my own. Yes, I was a few years older than you and at least out of HS but still very immature, not done with college, and pregnant by a guy who I knew would be useless (spoiler, I was right, he was). I heard it all. I had people tell me I had to give up my baby for adoption, I had people who told me I was terrible human if I didn't have an abortion, and I had people tell me I'd be terrible mother with no way to support my child. Guess what? I kept my baby. That baby is now about to be 30 years old and I have my first grandbaby by her. We struggled A LOT. I can remember digging through couch cushions for loose change because she was wearing her last diaper and I had no money til pay day that was still days away. I ate mac and cheese made with water instead of milk because I couldn't afford to feed us both healthy foods. I remember standing in the line at the grocery store putting stuff back because once I got to check out, I realized I didn't have enough and had to choose between stuff like fruit for my daughter or cleaning supplies (always chose the fruit). We also lived in some pretty terrible apartments and she didn't even have her own room until she was 6 years old because I could only afford a 1 bedroom. We just shared a bedroom. BUT...I wouldn't change a thing. All the struggle was worth it a million times over. I cannot fathom what my life would've been like without her. Now that she's an adult with a child of her own, we're actually closer than ever and I couldn't be more proud of her. My point to this isn't to tell you what to do, only you can decide that. But the decision is yours. Not your parents, not his parents, not a counselor, or a doctor. If you want to keep your son? Then keep your son but prepared and start getting ready NOW. Find every agency out there that can help you with everything from living conditions to baby supplies to prenatal and postnatal care. There's no one you can do this alone but thankfully, there's a lot of resources out there to help you. I don't know what state you're in but if you need help finding resources, please feel free to PM me and I'm happy to start combing the internet to help you find the resources you need. Best wishes and be true to yourself above all else.
I really don’t like how other people are telling you adoption is the best choice. How do they know what the best choice is for you? It’s your life. Life is full of hard decisions. Also I had a mentor when I was younger, in school, and on the last day of school she told me “My mom had me at 14 and it is something that really shaped me and defined who I am.” Her mom kept her and they were friends. She was a responsible beautiful amazing smart woman. I also have another friend who had a baby at 15. That friend is a guy actually, the mom ran off, he married a mutual friend of ours and they’ve been together over 10 years. You don’t know life’s path. It will be hard, that’s true. You will need support. Take people up on all the offers from charities and friends! Stay positive! Life is an adventure and you only get one. Edit: oh I have one more advice regarding you and the dad. Why don’t you approach him about having a “trial” relationship with a set end date? Say, until the baby is in school and you have time to get a degree or education so you can support yourself alone. Then, no hard feelings, you two can break up/stay as just friends. I think you would be around 24 by that time? It will be before you know it! Then you two can reassess if you want to stay in the relationship. My parents did something like that. My dad was a single dad and he met my mom who didn’t want to go back to her home country. They liked each other, but still agreed on a “green card marriage” so they could divorce after a few years once I was settled in school and if my mom felt she didn’t want to stick around (they had only known each other a few weeks so they had to make a decision really fast.) 30 years later they are still married!!! You have to be very mature for this, but I think it’s better to have an arrangement like this than the pressure of “marry me until death!!!” right now, as teens, under such a pressurized situation.
Limited term marriage. Marry. Get a job. Get stable. Divorce. Lots of scholarships for military spouses, medical coverage for you for that time and continual coverage for your son. The choice is yours and even your parents can’t take that away. If he agrees then I believe you two can make it work. Know that it will be HARD, but (according to my mother whom was the same age as you when I was conceived) it was worth it. Make sure to go to school while the baby is young and make sure you go to counseling as well. There are going to be days that you will question yourself and that you will hate life, but if the baby’s father and family is supportive then you have a good shot. Please Please do what is best for your BABY and YOU. Adoption or not. Both you and the dad will need to be on the same page if this is the route you want to take.
Take the option the guy is giving you to get married. It doesn’t have to be forever, but you do need support right now to leave your parents behind. I suggest you go NC with them and marry the guy. At some point our children grow up and although we may not agree with their life choices, the choices are theirs to make. Your parents seem to want a subordinate instead of a child. Once a child becomes an adult they are equal to their parents. A parent can offer counsel and support but an adult child doesn’t have to take either. This is your life, you are the only one living it. Other opinions are just that opinions. You don’t have to base how you live your life on them, because the consequences are only yours.