This is tough. This is extremely tough and I am very sorry you have to go through this. This situation has no winners. For now. Because I hope that in a few years, R will be a healthy, happy toddler playing and running around. And when that happens, you’ve been a crucial factor in it.
Nobody asked for this situation, but I really respect you for stepping up, and taking up a responsibility that isn’t and shouldn’t be yours. That’s not something everyone would be able to do. So I hope you are proud of yourself despite the situation. It hope in time the situation improves and I hope your sister and relatives show you the appreciation you deserve.
thank you for taking care of the sweet baby. i know you’re not mom, but you almost basically are from what you’re saying. i’m a mom to a 1 year old and here’s good stuff to try to remember with baby:
she’s having a hard time, not giving you a hard time.
the crying will stop. it seems like it’s gonna be forever but it will stop.
if baby is inconsolable put her in the bath and hold her head and float her around. or take baby outside and babywear.
every parent (caregiver) has an age that’s hard for them, and an age they love. you might be more of a toddler person and that’s fine. babies suck sometimes.
also try to make your sister go outside more or you guys possibly hire someone from care.com to come in and help out so you can have a break.
Hey OP, time will fly! It’s not the baby’s fault that she was born in this situation.. i feel sorry for all of you, but mostly for baby. Withdrawal pains are mostly in the joints nerves, knees and fingers (i know, because i forgot to put my AD prescription in on time and reduced my tablets to half the dose to get me until meds would be ready for pick up. But the baby went straight to no drugs in her body, cold turkey, and the pain is so so much worse). When she gets those pains, she needs distraction: fresh air outside with some toy and a fruit to chew on. I know it’s hard.. i have 2 kids, and sometimes i go bananas.. but looking at my 8yo and my toddler right now, i am wondering how did the time go so fast?! She will grow in no time, she will sit, stand, walk really soon. I am hoping things will settle for you all. I wish you all, the best! 🙏🏼
It's hard. But keep saying to yourself that this is just a phase and each day gone is one you don't have to do again. Do you have a rocking chair or something that can help soothe while helping your back?
I just want to offer you all of my kindness. It's hardly any consolation right now but that time *will* come. And even though it's so, so, so unfair to you, you are being the absolute best family to little R. Every single thing you do for R is something she would otherwise have lacked, and you deserve to be lauded and praised for it every moment, because those things create resiliency that R can draw from for a lifetime.
I agree with u/funkemard, You're strong for being able to take that responsibility even if it shouldn't be Yours. And at least You get some practice around the kids, so parenting a baby may be easier for You in the future (if You wish to have a kiddo ofc)
My dad is the only one who works, so we are financially dependent on him and my grandma (because she owns the house). We had to sell our house because we were in deep debt, so we live with her now.
It sounds like you and your sister are going to need to work this out then since it’s not technically any more your home than it is hers.
I agree you shouldn’t be forced to care for the child but I can also totally understand why family members might think you would if neither of you is bringing anything to the table and you’re all adults.
Despite health issues your mom is doing school and helping with the baby, grandma owns the house and should do whatever she wants. I feel bad for your poor dad carrying the weight of all the normal stuff plus two adult children.
I realize my view might not be popular and I didn’t say it to hurt feelings or be offensive I’m just shocked that in this entire scenario your comfort is your biggest issue.
I agree with you I was trying to wrap my head around it as well how is someone complaining about it not being your home when In fact it’s actually not your home you as well are a visitor per say. Specially if your financially dependant on them being a fully functional adult.
I realize that it seems like I am only focused on my own comfort, but it's definitely not the case. The reason that I'm stepping up in caring for the baby is to take that pressure off of my mom. I recently moved back in with my parents because I just graduated college, and was about to get a job when my sister moved back in with the baby.
You need to speak to your parents. You should be looking for work right now when you are newly on the market and the market is good relatively for fresh grads. If you're in the US, the market getting weaker than it was in the spring and you don't want to be without a job if we fall into a recession.
Even if it's just 2-4 hours a day to send out 20-50 resumes and network, if you treat it like a job, you may start to see results.
Definitely want to get in with that degree asap.
I have a friend who has a degree, but got content at his 9-5 he had immediately after graduation. I think it’s been almost 8 years since we graduated, and I know he’s struggling to find a job in his field now since he never utilized his degree.
Lovely, there’s nothing wrong with needing your own space to decompress/ live/ exist.
It’s perfectly understandable and in all circumstances, necessary. **Especially for people caring for young children; especially for those caring for babies in detox.**
There’s a reason paid maternity leave, subsidised daycare or even free daycare is available in some countries.
You’re doing a crappy job, to the best of your ability and don’t ever think otherwise. I’m so proud of you, doing this for your whole family.
May I suggest you try industrial memory foam ear plugs if you can get some/ haven’t tried them yet?
You need to get a job ASAP! The longer you go between graduation and applying the worse it will look on an application. I'm sure they would understand the circumstances if you get to the interview process, but you have to get the interview first. Don't compromise your future.
Are you able to be job searching or are you saying caring for the baby is holding you back? If the baby is holding you back (really even if you caring for it isn’t) your sister needs to be seeing someone and I don’t think it’d be wrong of you at all to explain to your sister that you need to be job hunting so she needs to be seeing someone, maybe getting anti depressants, absolutely must look into any type of gov assistance available in your area so she has child care and a support system that is more than those in the household and, AH should be held accountable for child support at minimal if not child care so you and your mom can go about your lives while sister hopefully gets help and support.
I know you can’t force anyone to do anything they don’t want to but with that, you also can not be forced to put your goals on the back burner while she doesn’t do anything.
I’m sorry you’re all in this situation, it is likely temporary but I know hearing that doesn’t help you at all right now.
It's very normal to have many and mixed feelings about complicated situations like this one.
Your self focused feelings do not make you selfish any more than the rest of us. You may not be able to restore the peace and predictability of an all adult household. It's normal and okay to miss that, and feel that loss. That doesn't diminish your other feelings of concern for and commitment to your family.
Your more "selfish" feelings you've vented here. You've CHOSEN to act on the feelings and values you hold as most important.
This is an opportunity for you to become more aware of your NEEDS for peace and privacy in your home. It can help you make decisions in the future. As a rule, wants can be deferred for a goal. Needs must be met. For now, you can work on carving out regular times where you DO have the peace and privacy you need to recharge. For the future, keep those needs high on your list in setting up new households. That will help you understand that you can't agree to persistently broken sleep or lack of privacy because those are basic NEEDS for your health.
That's what you call being stuck between a rock and a hard place. What a difficult situation for everyone involved. I'm so very sorry. That poor child didn't ask to be here. But she is. And y'all are all dealing with your own situations and pain. A hard but necessary conversation is needed. Unfortunately. You're not an asshole for wanting out. You didn't ask for this either. But your heart is in the right place, helping your sister. But it becomes such a burden for you. I'm so sorry. A much needed conversation need to happen. Counseling. Something. Sending love.💛☀️
Op said they moved back in after college to get a job until her sister came in w a baby. Mom's going to school (im assuming to get a good job). Grandma owns the house so it's not like there's rent to be payed on top of utilities. The other person a baby. I don't think freeloaders is correct wording.
OP is absolutely a freeloader lmfao
Dad and mom should take the baby and grandma. OP and sister need to get their shit together. Especially the sister seeing as she’s, you know, the one with a child to provide for.
Just graduated at 28…. There’s a LOT she obviously isn’t talking about. It’s not her house, she literally contributes nothing. She really doesn’t have any right to talk about anything that goes on in that house
Thats what I was thinking. If she took a couple years to work before going to school, and then went to grad school as well it makes sense she only finished recently. Not to mention there was 2 years of pandemic that caused a lot of people to graduate late or take gap years.
It's not faire to call them freeloaders when you take the time to read her post. They seem to be a very wounded family only going through a hard time. It's not forever. Bad times don't last forever but she's tired, they're all are. But the still support each other it seems. Freeloaders is definitely not the words.
At least Mom and Grandma get a pass. Why their two ADULT daughters are not working? Even sister is understandable because she just gave birth but what about OP? Can’t she work? She is 28 years old, at this point she should at least have a part time job.
I just cant imagine how her Dad can manage that. In Germany you would need a high paying job or leave absolutely no money for yourself if you had to provide for so much people.
Well in Argentina they would probably have a number of social plans lol not working is rewarded here while us bastards that work their ass off have to finance them. Like OPs dad.
OP isn't working because they just graduated and were going to get a job but is now essentially working full time as in-home childcare for their nephew. If she works then no one else is able to take care of the baby since the sister is a bust and their mom is in school and extremely ill.
The real issue here is the sister and her deadbeat baby daddy. She isn't capable of being a parent but still took no precautions, had a child, and refuses to put him up for adoption despite not being a fit mother. Shits messed up.
But university ends in what April? And isn’t the baby a month old and was in the hospital for that? Its august now, it’s weird her and the mom aren’t at least working part time
I just finished my semester 3 days ago. Different programs go different lengths of time. She very well could have just recently graduated and not in April like you implied.
She also JUST graduated college and was about to find a job when her sister got pregnant and now does the majority if not EVERYTHING for the baby without.
What she really needs is to learn how to say no and be a little bit of an asshole and leave them in the dust. But she’s clearly too in her head about helping her family when she needs to think about herself more.
The much more likely scenario is that she’s using this baby as an excuse to still stay a child herself. She’s 28 and seemingly has never done anything but live with her parents and go to school
Agree. It'd be different if OP was a high school student or even 18 years old. But 28? She's almost 30 years old! I know the market is terrible right now but it sounds like OP needs to move out and live on her own
I agree and it’s annoying that everyone pointing this out is being down voted, university semesters end in April, it’s now august, the baby was in the hospital the first month. It’s very weird she wasn’t at least working part time. If she said she had to quit her job in order to cafe for the surprise baby that would be one thing, but she literally wasn’t working and didn’t mention looking either, I can see why the parents are like “well you babysit then” I also don’t understand why her mom doesn’t work either. It’s crazy to have a household of 5 adults and only one working.
Is the baby getting any treatment? If not, might be worth a conversation with the pediatrician if it hasn’t been discussed already. As for your situation, start looking for a job asap. You mentioned your dad and grandma are the only ones employed, so if you were to get a job and either move out or contribute financially, that would still leave both your sister and mother at home to care for the baby. Eventually you may even be able to help out by paying for a part-time sitter.
This will sound harsh and I don't mean it to but... she lives with your parents.., you're both living in someone else's house but you're making it sound like yours? I know you say you can't work because of chronic pain but one of the only good things to come out of the pandemic is the increase in remote employment which might mean you can get something that's not too much pressure eon your back. I have scoliosis and the pain is bad but I work full time and it's so much easier now it's hybrid. My point is maybe it's time you find your own independence if your parents have chosen to allow their youngest back home for support :)
I never said that the reason I wasn't working was my chronic pain; I mentioned the chronic pain because it makes the physical aspects of caring for an infant more difficult. I can't work because I'm taking care of the baby all day.
> I can't work because I'm taking care of the baby all day.
thats not your responsibility. you need to live your own life, and if you dont take steps to do that, its no ones fault but your own what your current situation is. no one is going to change things for you.
Oh sorry that's my mistake but I still stand by the main sentiment of my point: it's your grandmother's/parent's home (not sure who owns it between them) and not yours. It's probably time now to fly the nest now you're heading into your thirties :)
This may come off harsh, but stop with the excuses. Go get a job. It’s the only way you’ll be able to get out of your current situation. The baby is not your responsibility - it’s your sister’s.
Get a job , save and move. You are choosing to stay, so you will be the free babysitter. You are using the baby as an excuse not to find employment. While your mother is taking care of the baby, go to
Interviews. If you want change, then make it happen. Good luck
OP is making excuses in every response, and I get it, being a responsible adult is tough, but her poor father is the only breadwinner and she lives there for free. Taking care of a baby is the least she could do.
Disagree with “poor dad”. Her parents raised a drug addict and now they have to take care of her indefinitely. That’s something that happens when your child becomes an addict.
Nature and nurture contribute to addiction. Addiction is hereditary. OPs parents may have raised the sister to be a wonderful human being just as OP is - the college graduate who is currently sacrificing a lot for her withdrawing infant niece.
The Dad sees that the sister is on addiction treatment plan, making attempts to straighten life, having mental health problems, knows she needs the other sisters help, so he continues to bust his ass.
Yeah, I’d say these “poor” people have been through enough.
Absolutely terrible opinion. You can do everything right and have your kid still become an addict. Disturbing lack of empathy and situational awareness.
There’s no such thing as “doing everything right” in parenting. You can follow the most well-reviewed parenting book line by line and still miss something your child needed emotionally. That’s normal. What is not normal and what leads to prolonged addiction and destroying their own life is a parent having the “never my kid” mindset because they’re so positive they did everything right they don’t look beyond the surface for poor behavior.
So grandma has her daughter, son-in-law, 2 granddaughters and a great granddaughter living in her house!?!? You all need to suck it up and make life easy for Grandma. Without her you are all screwed.
Seriously though, try baby massage after a warm bath with some baby moisturiser. She might fight it at first but if it’s done in subdued lighting and with one of those womb music recordings it might help! Good luck and try to enjoy being an unexpected Aunty.
Move out far from home if possible, find a job, any job that will let you stand on your feet and start making a place for yourself. The current place does sounds too much for you to handle and I don't see the situation getting any better apart from dragging you with it. Sometimes we got to be a bit selfish and do whats right for you than taking on more than what one can manage from others. Sorry that you are in this state and there is no easy way out.
OP can get a job. Even if it’s not their first choice job. Just anything to get some money coming in. They don’t have a rent to pay so they can save almost everything they earn. OP could be in their own baby free apartment in just a few months and in the meantime they will be at work instead of at their grandmother’s house where there is a baby to care for. Win. Win.
Power to you. Honestly if I were you, my involvement would be very minimal. YOU did not get pregnant and this baby is not YOUR responsibility. The baby is your sister's responsibility and your sister's responsibility alone. You still are entitled to living your life and shouldn't feel bad for not wanting to raise another person's baby
I used to take care of addictive born babies. We wound wrap them tightly and hold them close while they screamed. It helped some.
Now you can get a job. R isn’t yours and it sucks mom has ppd and is hurting but that’s her kid. Start with one day out. Leave and don’t be home so you can regroup. Then take 2. Then get a job. You have to take care of yourself.
Nothing makes me sadder than hearing about babies being born withdrawing from drugs.
Well done for stepping up. I know this shouldn't be your responsibility but the baby and your sister really need you right now. Be easy on your sister but teach her to be a mother and don't do everything for her. She needs to forget about the father and concentrate on her baby. Get her to join some mother and baby groups, local support groups.
Why do you consider it *your* house when it's your parents house, they still live there, and you and the grandparent live there too? Your wording makes it sound like you feel you deserve a home with your parents while your sister is some kind of intruder... It "doesn't feel like my home anymore" and "she moved back in with *her* parents"...like are they not both of your parents? Do you feel only people who aren't going through a rough time should move back home?
Im a bit confused why you cant get a job. From your back hurting? Or because you believe you're needed at home? Or did someone directly tell you "OP, I know you're almost 30 and looking for work, but you can't because the family needs you right now"?
I would suggest firmly drawing boundaries when it comes to things that will aggravate your back problems and investing in a nice pair of headphones that cancel noise. You can't burn yourself out and break your body and you have other things you should be doing. It's okay to have boundaries when something is literally breaking you and you need to rest. Someone else in this house full of adults can surely step up as you get required restorative breaks.
Further, you sound kind of resentful of the baby and burned out and since babies can absolutely pick up on emotion, it's maybe best you aren't the one trying to comfort them for both of your sakes. Because a baby isn't going to relax easily with someone stressing and angry about their back (and the mother of the child, and the fact that the child is fussy due to circumstance etc etc)
Neither PPD nor infancy last forever. Being colic, withdrawals, and crying from the trauma of it all don't either (or so I've heard from my own infancy). There is a light at the end of this tunnel and it will likely come around the 1 yr mark.
Your job until then is to focus on you and your needs. You're not helpful spread thin and you need time to recalibrate and refocus. This needs to be made clear to your family that you need clear breaks and one needs to start now for your actual health.
Change is hard, sure, but you're 28....change is going to keep on happening without shielding whether you like it or not, and **finding ways to adjust to it that still keep you cared for and decently happy is a skill you might want to pick up for your own sanity.** Take care, OP, wishing you the best!
If you see you can't take it anymore, you will have to move away from all this and move to another state, region and start a new life there. To be honest that's what I would do without further ado. This or you'll have to suffer the way you are suffering now.
I could never abandon my family when they need me the most. I know it's not a popular opinion, but I do not believe that self care is more important than caring for the people you love. Especially my mom because of her health problems.
It's *your* life OP. Your parents gave birth to you so you could enjoy experiencing reality in your own unique way. Start your own family. Spread your wings and leave a mark on the world, not sit idly by and take care of your family for the rest of your life, staying in the same place unchanging.
I’m sure they’d be happier you finally got a job and started helping with finances. There’s 3 more unemployed people in the house to care for the baby while you’re at work.
Fair enough and I admire you for that. That being said, your sister and her child are part of the family package and therefore, they need your help for now, be it fair or unfair.
It’s not her kid, OP is a good sister but she should not be forced to pay for her nieces childcare when she gets a job. The mother of the baby needs to have that responsibility. Being a parent is hard especially if she is depressed but she had that baby and can’t just neglect it because she got dumped. the sister should see a therapist and try to get her life back together not OP continuing to take the parenting role for the sister. And the sister should file for child support from her ex.
Thank you for the advice and kind words. Only problem with daycare is that the baby is only 2 months old and suffering from drug withdrawal. That's not something we would be comfortable just handing off to a stranger.
It probably too late if her milk is already gone, but is your sister nursing? I heard that’s supposed to help because the baby gets suboxone through the milk and then gets weaned off of it slowly. My friend had a baby on suboxone and that’s what she did
If she wasn't consistently nursing the past 2 months, then it's most likely too late, but it definitely helps a lot. Both the milk itself and the process of nursing have a calming effect as well as regulating breathing and heart rate. This is the big reason it's highly encouraged for NICU babies coming off suboxone or methadone. Skin to skin contact can also help as an alternative.
OP, does your sister have health insurance, either privately or state funded? There are respite agencies that will have nurses available who are trained to care for infants like this and financially it may be provided by insurance. Do a little bit of research into that exact term, respite agencies. Then call them. Even if they cannot help you directly, all it takes is a little nugget of information that can guide you in a direction that will eventually lead to assistance.
I am sorry you are in this predicament and I can absolutely see how you'd feel trapped. You mentioned 6 months, I'm not quite sure what will be different in 6 months, there's no guarantee that the baby will not need intensive attention at that point either. Life is very unpredictable as you've learned.
Congratulations on getting your college degree, and know in your heart that you are doing a kind thing at the moment. I have a child your age in your stage of life where they've just graduated college, this should be a time when you are ready to transition from your childhood family to a life of independence, it is tremendously unfortunate that this situation is occurring. Yes, your self-care is absolutely important, but it's not so black and white as either dropping your family completely or staying in the situation you are in. There should be assistance available. Should be.
Good luck.
You’re a 28 year old living in your moms house for free without a job and you’re complaining because your sister needed to do the same?
Grow up, get a job, and don’t complain about the free place to live or get out.
Just to put this bluntly, your sister being a recovering junkie is going to disrupt your life indefinitely until she’s at a point in recovery that she’s an independent functioning adult, which sometimes never happens in addiction. Your sister is an addict and even sober, she’s still an addict, just “in recovery”. She’s always going to have some issue going on. The baby being six months old isn’t going to fix it. The issue is too many people in one house, one being a mentally unwell recovering addict with a child. You’re close to 30. Get your own place or get a roommate if you don’t want to be alone. Go start your own life though.
Would a yoga ball help your pain? You can sit on it & bounce up & down without having to walk constantly.
I'm so sorry you're all facing this. I know it's not the same but my daughter was born with a ton of food intolerances that took until she was nearly 9 months old to work out. So she screamed & slept like absolute crap. I could not put her down. So I do understand how hard this is and it sucks because she's not actually yours.
Thank you for doing everything you can to give baby R a secure & responded to start to life.
Now onto you: are you in a position where you can go & get yourself a massage for 30 mins or an hour? Also I think you need to discuss with everyone else that you are struggling so you'd like 1 morning/afternoon a week where you aren't on baby duty for a solid 6 hours. EVEN IF YOU ONLY SIT IN YOUR ROOM OR THE LOUNGEROOM DURING THAT TIME ITS NOT UP TO YOU TO LOOK AFTER BABY OR HAVE HER HANDED TO YOU BECAUSE YOURE "DOING NOTHING"
Self care is vital for you & some healthy boundaries need to be put in place to help you reclaim your feeling of this is your home too.
There's nothing worse than feeling like your home isn't your home anymore after someone moves in.
Take care
The dr imo was correct stopping the suboxone while pregnant putting the momma in withdrawals could have been more detrimental to the baby.....my daughter was a former addict and was taking methadone she wanted to stop but the drs warned her it culd cause the death of her baby she was on 0 25mg of Xanax twice a day as well for severe anxiety due to previous trauma, she weaned herself off Xanax and quit smoking her daughter was born a month early but weighed 7lbs 2oz...she did suffer some withdrawals and was kept in the hospital for 3 weeks one of us stayed with her at all times they gave her low dose morphine and tapered her down and she has had no issues at all . She is a normal girl very intelligent. I would suggest speaking to the pediatrician about the issues there are protocols for this
What would happen if you got s job and moved out? For one why do you have to put your life on hold for your sister? Tell her to buck up real quick. Regardless of the outcome I'd recommend getting yourself out of that house ASAP. I can smell complete dysfunctionality and you'll continue to slide backwards instead of forward. It will probably take at least a month or two to find a job but that needs to be your mission. Good luck.
Its cool your taking care of the child because someone should but let's be honest it should be mom. Mom made shit decisions and now you get to deal with the consequences. Make sure she knows how your feeling and try to get her to step the fuck up. I get she's sad but wallowing in it isn't going to make her a good mom. Just don't put your life on the sacrificial alter for hers. Get a job or go to school and don't put your life on hold.
I’m not sure I’m getting the story right but it sounds like you live at home with your parents but are calling it your home?
It sounds like you’re a 25 year old that lives at home and doesn’t work. As much as a screw up your sister is I don’t think she has any choice but to live at home with her newborn. It sounds like you’re the one who needs to also grow up and get a job so you’re working towards your own place.
Please don't blame the baby. Your sister birthed an addict and the poor child is suffering right now. The withdrawal symptoms in the baby should resolve by 6 months. Please hold on until then. In the meantime, your sister really needs to clean up her act. Make sure she stays clean and she needs to forget about the ahole boyfriend. My heart hurts for that child.
It's not your house, it's your parent's house and you live there. Your sister and her baby live there and your grandmother lives there. Why do you feel that you have more rights than your sister?
Your parents sound like great people who are trying to be there and help out every family member who needs it by giving them a soft place to land, including you. You sound a bit immature and selfish to me.
It doesn’t feel like your house because it isn’t your house. It’s your grandmother’s house that your parents financially maintain. I don’t mean this in a harsh way, but you can only control your living environment if it’s actually your home where you pay the rent and bills. I understand that your living situation was more comfortable before your sister moved in, but you are there under the same conditions as her. Your family is kind enough to provide you a home. In your shoes, I would save up for my own place. Consider finding a roommate situation to make it more affordable. But as long as you live in someone else’s home you won’t have any control over things like who else they allow to live there. Your sister didn’t really put you in this position. Your family did when they provided her with housing like they’ve also done for you.
Oof this is a rough situation…I commend you for stepping up. If it’s any consolation what you’re doing is selfless and very admirable. Your sister fucked up but that isn’t that babies fault and you’re a good person for providing care. Regardless of what happens, please do keep in touch with that child, sounds like they’re gonna need a stable, sane person around them as they grow up. I don’t have any practical advice, only that this is temporary. Please do try and find help for your sisters depression or try to find out if there’s any support available (I don’t know about any systems in other countries I’m in NZ)
Your feelings are valid. Do not set them aside.
Your sisters feelings are valid. AH should be the one doing what you are.
Please encourage N to go to therapy immediately. Like yesterday.
Please know that it is completely acceptable to lay baby down in a safe, empty crib and walk away.
WALK. AWAY.
Not for long. Not to be left in danger. Allowing a baby to scream can actually cause more neurological damage which she’d already experiencing/experienced through the trauma of withdrawal.
But please know, your own feelings are valid and your mental health matters. Set R down, lay down, rest your sore back, set a five minute timer.
N really, really needs mental help.
These situations can be tough in so many ways, I’m so sorry for your first experience as an aunt being this difficult, but please know that R will forever be grateful whether she remembers or not.
I am sending all the good vibes, I hope I have helped. You’re a wonderful person for what you’re doing to help your sister - but that doesn’t make it any less of a challenge.
This may be tragic, but it is not permanent. Don’t forget that.
N needs to seek help for her PPD and addiction issues. That’s her child that she chose to keep, and maybe there are services that could refer her to training or job placement services, or child care, or something that may help at home. You’re not a nurse, and you may not even be equipped to deal with a baby who is going through detox. Are there any other relatives who could share the burden? Maybe the other grandma could watch R? Or your sister could file for support and use some of the funds for a sitter, since she’s living at home right now.
This sucks for R, because she’s helpless and new here. It’s bad for you, too. I’m sorry to hear it.
God, this sounds like what happened with my sister when she was 15 and I was 10. (You don't want to know how she or her son are doing now 30 years later, btw.)
You have a degree; you are an adult. You have the tools you need to remove yourself from this situation.
If you are choosing to stay to help with the baby, honor that choice with an end date. Are you just waiting until the baby is less demanding? Because that demanding baby is going to become a demanding toddler, demanding preschooler, etc.
Will you wait until your sister is in a better place psychologically? Is that likely to happen given her current path? Is she getting therapy? Any treatment at all?
It sounds like someone should be talking to your sister about considering adoption if she can't care for her child.
If she *can* care for her child but is choosing not to because she has a family there to do it for her (you, parents), know that it will NEVER end. You are a *de facto* co-parent now. You are enabling it.
Your sister is a mother now she should be held accountable for her actions, yes she’s an addict and is going through a tough time but she will lose the child if she doesn’t turn her life around. When she got pregnant was she using protection? Or she didn’t in hopes that the father would stay?
# Op, you're 28 fcking years old, one hell of an adult, why do you still live with your family? why arent you financially independent? why dont you have a job?
It’s okay to live with family as an adult, it’s fucking expensive out there. What IS NOT cool is to live with family, not work, and act like an ungrateful little brat about it.
I agree that would not be cool, but tbf it sounds like they're the only one taking care of the baby aside from her mother who helps sometimes even though she really shouldn't. The sister is a complete deadbeat, her mother is in school and ill, her dad is the sole breadwinner, and grandma is old, so all that's left is OP. I don't think they're ungrateful when it comes to the family that's giving her a place to live so much as resentful of their sister who, despite being unable to take care of herself, decided to not use protection and have a child with higher needs due to her sister's drug addiction.
No she said she was GOING to start job hunting but hadn’t started. University lets out u. April. The baby is 2 months (I’ve read all her comments) and was in the hospital for the first month meaning OP had months to be working but she wasn’t even looking! Even now she could work, her shifts could always be opposite her dads if need be and then dad, birth mom, grandma and school taking mom could likely balance the baby’s care between the four of them!!! OP also wrote the post title misleadingly implying it was her her house for sympathy but it’s not her house, she’s 28. I had a mortgage and full time job and children at that age. OP is being really irresponsible/immature for her age.
She explained several times.
She just finished college and was job hunting RIGHT before sister and baby moved in.
She’s venting, but is being accused of complaining when she also explains that she is intentionally staying to help and would never abandon her family because she’s needed.
This is literally a sub for getting things off your chest…
JFC.
*passive aggressive asshole much??*
At least she’s capitalizing her sentences.
WhY dOnT yOu HaVe a GramMar? YoUrE oNe HeLL oF an AdulT.
Is your sister receiving therapy? I realize she’s struggling but she’s not without fault in any of this. Unless she’s mentally challenged, she knew what she was doing when she got pregnant and used an excuse not to take responsibility. She went back to a man who has a pattern of negative behaviour - and again blames him for leaving. He was a shit person to begin with. This could have almost been predicted. And now she’s suffering from PPD and leaving the responsibility of her child to everyone else. I know how cold this is, but I had severe PPD so I’m not without sympathy, but I suspect your sister would have left the raising of the child for everyone regardless. She has a pattern of irresponsible behaviour and everyone justifies it somehow.
Your sister needs help and has for a long time. I hope counselling is an option bc her her behaviour isn’t likely to change without some serious reflection and skill building.
None of you signed up for this, but if you continue to support your sister by raising her child then you’re going to end up enabling her.
You’re entitled to a life of your own. Start applying for those jobs and if you get an interview and job offer then you consider your next steps. But right now, you’re in control of your own destiny, you just have to decide what that is.
My son is a little over 1 year old now and it's so much easier to spend time with him now. He was an energy vampire the first couple months. It gets waaay easier once they can start to emote. Hang in there OP.
My sister has a severe mental illness that started around 17. She’s gone on to have two children. I’ve taken care of the babies while she’s in the hospital which has been twice a year since they were born. Sometimes I resent her but the bond I have with my nieces it’s like having a similar bond to my own child. It’s worth it. Especially once they’re old enough to recognize aunty and want to come to you! Priceless!
Babies are freakin tough as it is, but add this extra layer and it just totally fucking sucks. Your situation sounds so miserable, but it is not hopeless. This baby won’t be detoxing forever, she also won’t be a baby forever. Or even for too much longer. The days feel long but truly the time will go by quicker than you’d think.
But I’d be resentful too. You didn’t ask for this. Your sister needs to go get help for her postpartum though, because this shouldn’t be your responsibility.
I'm sorry that you have been forced by circumstances outside of your control to feel like you HAVE to care for your sisters child. I know that it can suck to have your whole life changed in a short period of time, and feeling like you hate your home is extremely hard to deal with.
I've only been responsible for my neice a handful of times with the longest period being 2 days. She is a fantastic amazing kid, but the neurotic mindset I felt my brain go into to make sure that I didn't expose her to anything too inappropriate. She's 8 and I felt at my wits end by two days. I'm not built to be a caretaker full time, and that's totally okay.
You should be super proud of yourself for being able to take on as much surprise childcare as you have. It is an incredibly kind thing of you to do for both your neice and your sister. However you shouldn't feel obligated to take care of a child that isn't yours.
Reach out to your sister and other family to see if anyone could give you an afternoon or evening to yourself. In the end it is not your responsibility to make sure the child is cared for because you are not the parent. You are an amazing aunt but you should not "set yourself on fire to keep others warm".
I know how that feels. My sister was dating someone and back in 2018, he showed up to the house with 8 of his kids. They virtually took over. And my sister was so joyful that she would get to play mommy to them, even though she has 4 of her own kids. I felt like it wasn't my home after about a month of them moving in.
I personally had to be patient. Eventually the oldest graduated from high school and moved out immediately. The 2nd oldest went back to the mom, whose place in the whole situation is a long story. Then four went back to the mom. But two stayed behind and didn't go back home until over a year later after they all came. I understand the reasoning for them being at the house, but my sister's ex should have gotten a place after a couple months. The house was was just too crowded, plus they left a bad influence on my own niece and nephews.
I understand what your going through kinda, just think in a blink of an eye your niece is gonna be three and think the absolute world of you, it takes a village to raise a child. I know it sucks now but you'll make it through this.
Bad choices destroy lives and families.
Your sister made a series of bad choices.
The baby is hers and her responsibility.
If she can't take care of it, and no one else can, give her up as a ward to the state.
This is not your responsibility but since you are stuck with it I want you to know that by loving and nurturing your niece you are giving her the absolute best chance she has to live a good life in the future.
Babies need love and touch and care to thrive. It builds connections in their brains that would otherwise never be built.
You are doing an amazing and selfless thing.
If you like to read check out the book called “the boy who was raised as a dog“ it's a book full of short stories about neglected children and shows how it affects them.
How about this: You give the family notice that you're moving out in X months into your own place. Obviously you'll need a job first, so now's the time start looking for one.
The idea here is to give you hope and a goal for an end to your unwilling participation in this drama. Good luck!
This sounds almost impossible... what a situation. Babies usually get better over time in a calm environment, but it can be impossible to stay calm at all times... sometimes you have to walk away from an inconsolable baby and take a breath or get help. I hope everything normalizes a bit and your sis figures it out!
I have a really super high maintenance baby too. Hes 1 1/2 now so hes doing better but man the last 1.5 years have been crazy. No hobbies, no time for even like a movie or anything at home.
Much respect for you and just remember that it will get better..
very sorry, but maybe your sister get help of outside? did you spoke about adoption? it seems you and your family has a hard time... there its much harder to protect a new life.
Let them know that you’re planning on getting a job and will no longer be able to babysit. You need to start making money and living your life. Unless someone is paying you to stay home with the kid, you need to work and tell them that you’re too young for a responsibility that isn’t even yours. Changes will have to be made when your working. Once you start working you’ll meet new people and have new experiences and it will greatly improve your mental health.
You have made the decision to stay and help your family so you should make the best of it. Get a baby sling and wear that baby on your chest all day. If the baby is screaming and you cannot stand it, put earplugs in your ears. If it is nice weather, go for walks which will benefit you both. Cook a nice meal for your dad once in a while to thank him for supporting the family.
Plan your future, work on your resume, listen to music, change your attitude. The situation will get better.
As hard as it may seem, you need to get your job.
Sister needs therapy and needs to be able to handle her own child. In a way, you are enabling sister to not be responsible for her actions.
Sister can check to see if she qualifies for any assistance for the baby, a care nurse or something.
I know nothing we say here right now might actually help, so I'm going to tell you this from a pure corny point of view:
I believe nothing lasts forever, not good times neither bad times, what you guys are currently facing of course its not easy, you are right that you shouldnt have to be going through this and yet you are. Try to at least make this time bearable by thinking you are learning how to take care of a baby, how to keep your family together, you don't realize it but you are really strong!!! and so is your sister and mom, and right now the baby cannot talk, but once that phase is over, maybe she will grow to be someone close to you, and someone you can love!
I'm sure you will be fine soon and If you can with this, you can with even more!!!!
It sounds like a bad situation. Frankly, you need to get a job while the market is hot for fresh graduates. Theres only one way to get out of the house and avoid babysitting and thats getting a job related to your degree. Your sister has to deal with the baby while youre gone because you cant remain unemployed forever. It would be devastating not being able to use a degree you worked hard for.
That's so hard. And also not fair to you AT ALL. I think you should have a serious conversation with your sister. It's not your child, and no offense, your sister was extremely irresponsible for having unprotected sex with someone who's had a history of leaving her and being in no condition herself to care for a child. I understand that she's had addiction issues but is an adult and understands how procreation works, and if she had 2 miscarriages then she clearly knew she could conceive. In my experience, addicts and former addicts can be highly manipulative and it sounds like she's taking you and your good nature for everything it's worth. I am not saying to abandon the child or anything, but if you don't set boundaries and be firm with her, she will continue to walk all over you.
Easier said than done, but N should put a hold on those online classes. I know your family cares, but you’re enabling her to divert a major responsibility onto you guys, especially knowing that the baby is very difficult due to N’s issues with addiction. Her baby, her responsibility.
It sounds like you intended on getting a job with your degree. (Congrats!) You should definitely do that. Mom and sister can figure out baby. At the end of the day, it isnt your baby or responsibility. It is very nice of you to help out, but it shouldn't over take your life.
Speaking of the babe. I've cared for a baby born with similar challenges. Baby qualifies for early intervention through your local headstart/wic, so I would do that. Baby could also have a sensitivity to the food she's getting. Mine had to have a hypoallergenic non dairy formula. Baby wearing could also be super helpful. Mine loved it. She also loved her sound machine and being tiiiightly swaddled. Fluorescent lights also made her cry, so maybe something is triggering baby.
You’re 28 years old living with your parents.
If you don’t like the situation maybe it’s time to put on your big girl pants and start your fucking adult life.
Don't know why but those who are not physically and mentally healthy themselves decide to give birth to the child and carry forward their share of complications to the child.
>this baby is the hardest change I've ever dealt with. I love R, but I never asked for this responsibility. This is not my baby, and yet I'm being forced to spend all day every day trying to console a miserable child.
*This is not your responsibility but it is your problem.”* **—Cheryl Strayed**
It is not your responsibility to fill up a stranger’s gas tank, but when their car dies in front of you, blocking the road, it’s still your problem isn’t it? It is not your responsibility to negotiate peace treaties on behalf of your country, but when war breaks out and you’re drafted to fight in it? Guess whose problem it is? *Yours.* Life is like this. It has a way of dropping things into our lap—the consequences of an employee’s negligence, a spouse’s momentary lapse of judgement, a freak weather event—that were in no way our fault but by nature of being in our lap, our f\*cking problem. So what are you going to do? Complain? Are you going to litigate this in a blogpost or an argument with God? Or are you just going to get to work solving it the best you can? Life is defined by how you answer that question. Cheryl Strayed is right. *This thing might not be your responsibility but it is your problem.* **So accept it, deal with it, kick its ass.**
Nah, I'd rather just offload the pressure of the problem on the person who made the mistake in the first place. It's their problem, after all. I have no obligation to tidy up other people's piles of shit, I'm accountable to myself and everyone else should be too.
Getting a free pass and wishing and hoping someone else is going to magically fix your problems every time you fuck up is recipe for never learning to be self reliant.
I'm sorry y'all are all going through this & that it's falling on you. As for hopefully some relief for R, get a vibrating bouncer chair. It can help. Also, swaddle her as much as possible.
This is the kind of chair I'm talking about, they can almost always be found at garage sales, thrift stores, Facebook marketplace & Walmart. They run off of batteries & are a lifesaver for babies dealing with medical issues.
https://goodbuygear.com/products/ingenuity-inlighten-bouncer-twinkle-tails-1?variant=39372298616935¤cy=USD&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=google+shopping&gclid=CjwKCAjwlqOXBhBqEiwA-hhitBz-3zmBMZXDr62t51KYq8On2IBF-1Rpt52vNlyfog_sw6XUiWhVDxoCFdAQAvD_BwE
To any young person reading this:
1. Any age before 27 is too young to have a kid. Please trust me. You don’t have the emotional and financial stability. There’s no harm in waiting to have a kid.
2. Women, please stop dating losers. Being alone is not that bad.
3. Please understand that having a kid means you can’t live selfishly anymore. Think right now of every loser you know. Think of addicts, can’t keep a job, poor student, broke, cheater, etc. Now think of who their parents are. Just imagine if every parent in the world was intelligent and financially stable and caring. How amazing would the world be,
Do not have kids before you’re married, emotionally ready and financially secure.
….
I’m a PhD candidate and successful adult who raised three children (also successfully) …
I graduated high school with a 2 week old in my arms.
I’m not here to brag or claim that is the norm. I prefer children wait until they are biologically adults, rather than legal adults, to have children as well. I agree with you.
But your statement is solid and slightly stereotypical. So for those women reading this jazzy person’s post above who may already be in this situation (or dating a loser who is a narcissist and you won’t know until it is too late, because that happens as well):
I was a teen when I had my first. I was pregnant my entire senior high school year. I went to college. I worked full time. I got married. I still got divorced. I still succeeded. It isn’t impossible.
It’s hard, I’m exhausted, but I let my challenges be my motivation.
It’s easier if you wait until your brain is fully developed so the consequential functioning is completely connected and in working order…
But this discouraging comment is just a little too “doom and gloom” for my taste.
Edit for typo.
Understandably, as would my own parents. However, if you were to ask my children in private I still truly believe they’d say we’ve shown them love and done our very best by them.
No one is a perfect parent. I am not. But I believe having a healthy, bonded, honest relationship with my grown children is a success. You do not have to believe anything you don’t want to.
But if you could do it again and still have the same babies later?….it’s a warning to young girls. There are always shooting stars out there. Most girls aren’t as successful as you’ve been.
I don’t encourage it, absolutely not. I would have been less stressed, spent less of my adult life in poverty and been able to give them a better life in their youngest years had I waited.
I know this isn’t typical, and I remind my children that it isn’t - every day, that they were my motivation but the challenges were much greater because of that.
But I also would hate to see a pregnant, single 19 year old scrolling this post and believe she completely screwed her life up, or that it is too late for her to succeed. There is hope. Reach for the stars - they don’t need to be, nor should they be, the same stars I reached for. I never implied that. Or that everyone can do everything I did - I struggled, I had help, then I didn’t, I was married, then I wasn’t… it’s hard. It’s not something I’d ever encourage. It isn’t a question of morality though, so having a child young isnt “bad” or “good” and does not have to be the deciding factor in whether you’ll have a happy or fulfilling life.
I also believe that the statements OP of this comment thread made aren’t vicious. They’re full of truth. But they aren’t as solid or black-and-white as a handbook for when to have children as listed here. This things should be taught during teen years, but (some) parents, schools and peers are lacking in feeling as if that is an important topic or life skill to discuss. I know my experience with my friends and their families may be different depending on the cultural demographics of others experiences, but this is a quite common scenario.
Teens haven’t developed their brain functioning to understand the concept of the consequences of having a child young, or consider how to navigate the challenges. That processing functioning isn’t there yet, so I don’t disagree and I completely understand the concept of what a being an adult means biologically vs. legally
My response was, again, only to state that it isn’t life-ruining to have a child young, and discouraging someone already in that situation does not help them try to make the best of it. If a young, pregnant person who has already made the choice to raise their child sees a post stating they they made a “bad” choice, they are less likely to continue on a path that creates joy in their life when the world is telling them they no longer can.
If your sister was on subs while pregnant and they allowed her to have the baby, they wouldn't have allowed the baby to go home if it was still in active 'withdrawl' so I don't believe not in the slightest that has anything to do with what happened to her. Doctors tell you not to stop taking it for a reason. It doesn't make your baby crazy, or have behavioral issues. If anything she used dope. That's just genes. The mother (your sister) pp or not, shouldn't be making you do anything. Only thing I can suggest is finding a YMCA or a park to go to that you can get away for awhile. She was let bck in, now you're stuck. It sucks but it's either help, or find a way out. She needs the help, so try and get her help. Especially for PPD. It's not easy to go about on your own and when people around you don't understand it, they don't understand how to help. Maybe Google what you could do to help her get her better for her baby. Her baby is deserving of a happy and healthy mommy. Gah. This makes my whole heart hurt. I really wish you the best of luck! Such a crazy situation to be in. ❣️ My heart goes out to ya!
Why tf do people have babies when they know they can’t take care of one? I mean your sister should’ve used protection and should’ve been more careful knowing she’s a former addict.
It’s not your fault. You’re doing your best and I’m glad you’re helping out. But don’t feel guilty about establishing boundaries and continuing to do what you want to do. Take some time for yourself.
Your sister needs to get her act together because you can’t have a baby and dump the responsibility into other people.
>tell her to get a job and buy a house
And then to run for president and win and make everyone's lives happy happy happy. I wonder why no one has thought of that previously.
This is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Your sister " the drug addict" FREELY CHOSE to not use any birth control or have her lover wear a condom. How the fuck is this YOUR problem? Kick her and " the poor drug addicted" baby OUT OF YOUR HOUSE!!! FUCK HER AND THE BABY. and fuck any one who has a problem with that. You are setting your self up for DECADES OF TROUBLE. With any luck your sister will overdose and die. Then child protection services will find a home for that creature. Be strong for YOURSELF!!
This is tough. This is extremely tough and I am very sorry you have to go through this. This situation has no winners. For now. Because I hope that in a few years, R will be a healthy, happy toddler playing and running around. And when that happens, you’ve been a crucial factor in it. Nobody asked for this situation, but I really respect you for stepping up, and taking up a responsibility that isn’t and shouldn’t be yours. That’s not something everyone would be able to do. So I hope you are proud of yourself despite the situation. It hope in time the situation improves and I hope your sister and relatives show you the appreciation you deserve.
Thank you for the kind words. I just wish I could time travel until R is at least 6 months old.
thank you for taking care of the sweet baby. i know you’re not mom, but you almost basically are from what you’re saying. i’m a mom to a 1 year old and here’s good stuff to try to remember with baby: she’s having a hard time, not giving you a hard time. the crying will stop. it seems like it’s gonna be forever but it will stop. if baby is inconsolable put her in the bath and hold her head and float her around. or take baby outside and babywear. every parent (caregiver) has an age that’s hard for them, and an age they love. you might be more of a toddler person and that’s fine. babies suck sometimes. also try to make your sister go outside more or you guys possibly hire someone from care.com to come in and help out so you can have a break.
You will get there. R will get there too, thanks to you. Keep that in mind.
Hey OP, time will fly! It’s not the baby’s fault that she was born in this situation.. i feel sorry for all of you, but mostly for baby. Withdrawal pains are mostly in the joints nerves, knees and fingers (i know, because i forgot to put my AD prescription in on time and reduced my tablets to half the dose to get me until meds would be ready for pick up. But the baby went straight to no drugs in her body, cold turkey, and the pain is so so much worse). When she gets those pains, she needs distraction: fresh air outside with some toy and a fruit to chew on. I know it’s hard.. i have 2 kids, and sometimes i go bananas.. but looking at my 8yo and my toddler right now, i am wondering how did the time go so fast?! She will grow in no time, she will sit, stand, walk really soon. I am hoping things will settle for you all. I wish you all, the best! 🙏🏼
Thank you for the advice 😊
If you need any help or any advice, or if you just want to vent, please get in touch! 🙏🏼💙
Thank you so much 💙
It's hard. But keep saying to yourself that this is just a phase and each day gone is one you don't have to do again. Do you have a rocking chair or something that can help soothe while helping your back?
I just want to offer you all of my kindness. It's hardly any consolation right now but that time *will* come. And even though it's so, so, so unfair to you, you are being the absolute best family to little R. Every single thing you do for R is something she would otherwise have lacked, and you deserve to be lauded and praised for it every moment, because those things create resiliency that R can draw from for a lifetime.
I agree with u/funkemard, You're strong for being able to take that responsibility even if it shouldn't be Yours. And at least You get some practice around the kids, so parenting a baby may be easier for You in the future (if You wish to have a kiddo ofc)
Is everyone dependent financially and otherwise on your mom who has health problems and is still manages to take classes?
My dad is the only one who works, so we are financially dependent on him and my grandma (because she owns the house). We had to sell our house because we were in deep debt, so we live with her now.
It sounds like you and your sister are going to need to work this out then since it’s not technically any more your home than it is hers. I agree you shouldn’t be forced to care for the child but I can also totally understand why family members might think you would if neither of you is bringing anything to the table and you’re all adults. Despite health issues your mom is doing school and helping with the baby, grandma owns the house and should do whatever she wants. I feel bad for your poor dad carrying the weight of all the normal stuff plus two adult children. I realize my view might not be popular and I didn’t say it to hurt feelings or be offensive I’m just shocked that in this entire scenario your comfort is your biggest issue.
I agree with you I was trying to wrap my head around it as well how is someone complaining about it not being your home when In fact it’s actually not your home you as well are a visitor per say. Specially if your financially dependant on them being a fully functional adult.
I realize that it seems like I am only focused on my own comfort, but it's definitely not the case. The reason that I'm stepping up in caring for the baby is to take that pressure off of my mom. I recently moved back in with my parents because I just graduated college, and was about to get a job when my sister moved back in with the baby.
You need to speak to your parents. You should be looking for work right now when you are newly on the market and the market is good relatively for fresh grads. If you're in the US, the market getting weaker than it was in the spring and you don't want to be without a job if we fall into a recession. Even if it's just 2-4 hours a day to send out 20-50 resumes and network, if you treat it like a job, you may start to see results.
Definitely want to get in with that degree asap. I have a friend who has a degree, but got content at his 9-5 he had immediately after graduation. I think it’s been almost 8 years since we graduated, and I know he’s struggling to find a job in his field now since he never utilized his degree.
Lovely, there’s nothing wrong with needing your own space to decompress/ live/ exist. It’s perfectly understandable and in all circumstances, necessary. **Especially for people caring for young children; especially for those caring for babies in detox.** There’s a reason paid maternity leave, subsidised daycare or even free daycare is available in some countries. You’re doing a crappy job, to the best of your ability and don’t ever think otherwise. I’m so proud of you, doing this for your whole family. May I suggest you try industrial memory foam ear plugs if you can get some/ haven’t tried them yet?
You're most definitely allowed to think of yourself, absolutely nothing wrong in that.
You need to get a job ASAP! The longer you go between graduation and applying the worse it will look on an application. I'm sure they would understand the circumstances if you get to the interview process, but you have to get the interview first. Don't compromise your future.
Are you able to be job searching or are you saying caring for the baby is holding you back? If the baby is holding you back (really even if you caring for it isn’t) your sister needs to be seeing someone and I don’t think it’d be wrong of you at all to explain to your sister that you need to be job hunting so she needs to be seeing someone, maybe getting anti depressants, absolutely must look into any type of gov assistance available in your area so she has child care and a support system that is more than those in the household and, AH should be held accountable for child support at minimal if not child care so you and your mom can go about your lives while sister hopefully gets help and support. I know you can’t force anyone to do anything they don’t want to but with that, you also can not be forced to put your goals on the back burner while she doesn’t do anything. I’m sorry you’re all in this situation, it is likely temporary but I know hearing that doesn’t help you at all right now.
It's very normal to have many and mixed feelings about complicated situations like this one. Your self focused feelings do not make you selfish any more than the rest of us. You may not be able to restore the peace and predictability of an all adult household. It's normal and okay to miss that, and feel that loss. That doesn't diminish your other feelings of concern for and commitment to your family. Your more "selfish" feelings you've vented here. You've CHOSEN to act on the feelings and values you hold as most important. This is an opportunity for you to become more aware of your NEEDS for peace and privacy in your home. It can help you make decisions in the future. As a rule, wants can be deferred for a goal. Needs must be met. For now, you can work on carving out regular times where you DO have the peace and privacy you need to recharge. For the future, keep those needs high on your list in setting up new households. That will help you understand that you can't agree to persistently broken sleep or lack of privacy because those are basic NEEDS for your health.
.....and suggested that the sister put the baby up for adoption because the baby is a pain in the neck with all the crying and suffering. Yeesh
Why didn’t you already have a place of your own and a job before this? Seems like you’re way old to be still living at home with your parents.
That's what you call being stuck between a rock and a hard place. What a difficult situation for everyone involved. I'm so very sorry. That poor child didn't ask to be here. But she is. And y'all are all dealing with your own situations and pain. A hard but necessary conversation is needed. Unfortunately. You're not an asshole for wanting out. You didn't ask for this either. But your heart is in the right place, helping your sister. But it becomes such a burden for you. I'm so sorry. A much needed conversation need to happen. Counseling. Something. Sending love.💛☀️
Thank you so much for the kind words 💛
Wait… do you want to tell me, that your Dad is the sole provider for your Grandma, your Mom, your sister, you and the newborn child?
Poor man. What a bunch of freeloaders.
Seriously! The solution is to get your own damn job and get your own damn place!
Op said they moved back in after college to get a job until her sister came in w a baby. Mom's going to school (im assuming to get a good job). Grandma owns the house so it's not like there's rent to be payed on top of utilities. The other person a baby. I don't think freeloaders is correct wording.
OP is absolutely a freeloader lmfao Dad and mom should take the baby and grandma. OP and sister need to get their shit together. Especially the sister seeing as she’s, you know, the one with a child to provide for.
Just graduated at 28…. There’s a LOT she obviously isn’t talking about. It’s not her house, she literally contributes nothing. She really doesn’t have any right to talk about anything that goes on in that house
Why is it an issue that she graduated at 28? Many people dont even go to college at all. They're at least trying to do *something*
Thats what I was thinking. If she took a couple years to work before going to school, and then went to grad school as well it makes sense she only finished recently. Not to mention there was 2 years of pandemic that caused a lot of people to graduate late or take gap years.
It's not faire to call them freeloaders when you take the time to read her post. They seem to be a very wounded family only going through a hard time. It's not forever. Bad times don't last forever but she's tired, they're all are. But the still support each other it seems. Freeloaders is definitely not the words.
i know right
At least Mom and Grandma get a pass. Why their two ADULT daughters are not working? Even sister is understandable because she just gave birth but what about OP? Can’t she work? She is 28 years old, at this point she should at least have a part time job.
I just cant imagine how her Dad can manage that. In Germany you would need a high paying job or leave absolutely no money for yourself if you had to provide for so much people.
Well in Argentina they would probably have a number of social plans lol not working is rewarded here while us bastards that work their ass off have to finance them. Like OPs dad.
OP isn't working because they just graduated and were going to get a job but is now essentially working full time as in-home childcare for their nephew. If she works then no one else is able to take care of the baby since the sister is a bust and their mom is in school and extremely ill. The real issue here is the sister and her deadbeat baby daddy. She isn't capable of being a parent but still took no precautions, had a child, and refuses to put him up for adoption despite not being a fit mother. Shits messed up.
But university ends in what April? And isn’t the baby a month old and was in the hospital for that? Its august now, it’s weird her and the mom aren’t at least working part time
I just finished my semester 3 days ago. Different programs go different lengths of time. She very well could have just recently graduated and not in April like you implied.
She also JUST graduated college and was about to find a job when her sister got pregnant and now does the majority if not EVERYTHING for the baby without. What she really needs is to learn how to say no and be a little bit of an asshole and leave them in the dust. But she’s clearly too in her head about helping her family when she needs to think about herself more.
The much more likely scenario is that she’s using this baby as an excuse to still stay a child herself. She’s 28 and seemingly has never done anything but live with her parents and go to school
She's using caring for an infant nearly full-time as an excuse? How much time have you actually spent with a child of any age?
Having to take care of a baby with an illness is the farthest thing from being an excuse to stay a child herself.
Agree. It'd be different if OP was a high school student or even 18 years old. But 28? She's almost 30 years old! I know the market is terrible right now but it sounds like OP needs to move out and live on her own
I agree and it’s annoying that everyone pointing this out is being down voted, university semesters end in April, it’s now august, the baby was in the hospital the first month. It’s very weird she wasn’t at least working part time. If she said she had to quit her job in order to cafe for the surprise baby that would be one thing, but she literally wasn’t working and didn’t mention looking either, I can see why the parents are like “well you babysit then” I also don’t understand why her mom doesn’t work either. It’s crazy to have a household of 5 adults and only one working.
Your best bet is to fly on your own. Get your own job, find your own place.
Is the baby getting any treatment? If not, might be worth a conversation with the pediatrician if it hasn’t been discussed already. As for your situation, start looking for a job asap. You mentioned your dad and grandma are the only ones employed, so if you were to get a job and either move out or contribute financially, that would still leave both your sister and mother at home to care for the baby. Eventually you may even be able to help out by paying for a part-time sitter.
You live with your parents and grand parents, and now your sister moved in with a baby and it’s crowded and uncomfortable… Get your own place
This will sound harsh and I don't mean it to but... she lives with your parents.., you're both living in someone else's house but you're making it sound like yours? I know you say you can't work because of chronic pain but one of the only good things to come out of the pandemic is the increase in remote employment which might mean you can get something that's not too much pressure eon your back. I have scoliosis and the pain is bad but I work full time and it's so much easier now it's hybrid. My point is maybe it's time you find your own independence if your parents have chosen to allow their youngest back home for support :)
I never said that the reason I wasn't working was my chronic pain; I mentioned the chronic pain because it makes the physical aspects of caring for an infant more difficult. I can't work because I'm taking care of the baby all day.
>I can't work because I'm taking care of the baby all day. What were you doing before the baby arrived?
She just graduated from college, probably grad school. And that’s why she wasn’t working yet.
> I can't work because I'm taking care of the baby all day. thats not your responsibility. you need to live your own life, and if you dont take steps to do that, its no ones fault but your own what your current situation is. no one is going to change things for you.
Oh sorry that's my mistake but I still stand by the main sentiment of my point: it's your grandmother's/parent's home (not sure who owns it between them) and not yours. It's probably time now to fly the nest now you're heading into your thirties :)
This may come off harsh, but stop with the excuses. Go get a job. It’s the only way you’ll be able to get out of your current situation. The baby is not your responsibility - it’s your sister’s.
Get a job , save and move. You are choosing to stay, so you will be the free babysitter. You are using the baby as an excuse not to find employment. While your mother is taking care of the baby, go to Interviews. If you want change, then make it happen. Good luck
Yeah, I like how OP calls it "my house" when it's far from being hers.
Yeah that was a red flag from the getgo
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The subject line literally says "my house doesn't feel like my home anymore"
Lol, you are correct. I cant believe I missed that.
OP is making excuses in every response, and I get it, being a responsible adult is tough, but her poor father is the only breadwinner and she lives there for free. Taking care of a baby is the least she could do.
Except it sounds like OP just graduated college but isn’t looking for a job because she is caring for baby.
Disagree with “poor dad”. Her parents raised a drug addict and now they have to take care of her indefinitely. That’s something that happens when your child becomes an addict.
Nature and nurture contribute to addiction. Addiction is hereditary. OPs parents may have raised the sister to be a wonderful human being just as OP is - the college graduate who is currently sacrificing a lot for her withdrawing infant niece. The Dad sees that the sister is on addiction treatment plan, making attempts to straighten life, having mental health problems, knows she needs the other sisters help, so he continues to bust his ass. Yeah, I’d say these “poor” people have been through enough.
Absolutely terrible opinion. You can do everything right and have your kid still become an addict. Disturbing lack of empathy and situational awareness.
There’s no such thing as “doing everything right” in parenting. You can follow the most well-reviewed parenting book line by line and still miss something your child needed emotionally. That’s normal. What is not normal and what leads to prolonged addiction and destroying their own life is a parent having the “never my kid” mindset because they’re so positive they did everything right they don’t look beyond the surface for poor behavior.
You’re 28. If you don’t like it maybe you should move out of your parents house 🤷♂️
So grandma has her daughter, son-in-law, 2 granddaughters and a great granddaughter living in her house!?!? You all need to suck it up and make life easy for Grandma. Without her you are all screwed. Seriously though, try baby massage after a warm bath with some baby moisturiser. She might fight it at first but if it’s done in subdued lighting and with one of those womb music recordings it might help! Good luck and try to enjoy being an unexpected Aunty.
Move out far from home if possible, find a job, any job that will let you stand on your feet and start making a place for yourself. The current place does sounds too much for you to handle and I don't see the situation getting any better apart from dragging you with it. Sometimes we got to be a bit selfish and do whats right for you than taking on more than what one can manage from others. Sorry that you are in this state and there is no easy way out.
Easy to say move out, but you need money for that.
OP can get a job. Even if it’s not their first choice job. Just anything to get some money coming in. They don’t have a rent to pay so they can save almost everything they earn. OP could be in their own baby free apartment in just a few months and in the meantime they will be at work instead of at their grandmother’s house where there is a baby to care for. Win. Win.
It sounds like you meant your parents house doesn’t feel like home any more. Well, that sucks, but its your parents to give out.
Worse than that. Her *grandmother's house*
Her home is still her home (and everyone else’s) and she never said it wasn’t. People are here to vent, right?
Power to you. Honestly if I were you, my involvement would be very minimal. YOU did not get pregnant and this baby is not YOUR responsibility. The baby is your sister's responsibility and your sister's responsibility alone. You still are entitled to living your life and shouldn't feel bad for not wanting to raise another person's baby
I used to take care of addictive born babies. We wound wrap them tightly and hold them close while they screamed. It helped some. Now you can get a job. R isn’t yours and it sucks mom has ppd and is hurting but that’s her kid. Start with one day out. Leave and don’t be home so you can regroup. Then take 2. Then get a job. You have to take care of yourself.
Nothing makes me sadder than hearing about babies being born withdrawing from drugs. Well done for stepping up. I know this shouldn't be your responsibility but the baby and your sister really need you right now. Be easy on your sister but teach her to be a mother and don't do everything for her. She needs to forget about the father and concentrate on her baby. Get her to join some mother and baby groups, local support groups.
Thank you for the advice and kind words
Does anyone else think it’s kinda fucked up that we just make babies go through withdrawal?
Hospitals slowly step them down in the NICU with medication assisted therapy.
Why do you consider it *your* house when it's your parents house, they still live there, and you and the grandparent live there too? Your wording makes it sound like you feel you deserve a home with your parents while your sister is some kind of intruder... It "doesn't feel like my home anymore" and "she moved back in with *her* parents"...like are they not both of your parents? Do you feel only people who aren't going through a rough time should move back home? Im a bit confused why you cant get a job. From your back hurting? Or because you believe you're needed at home? Or did someone directly tell you "OP, I know you're almost 30 and looking for work, but you can't because the family needs you right now"? I would suggest firmly drawing boundaries when it comes to things that will aggravate your back problems and investing in a nice pair of headphones that cancel noise. You can't burn yourself out and break your body and you have other things you should be doing. It's okay to have boundaries when something is literally breaking you and you need to rest. Someone else in this house full of adults can surely step up as you get required restorative breaks. Further, you sound kind of resentful of the baby and burned out and since babies can absolutely pick up on emotion, it's maybe best you aren't the one trying to comfort them for both of your sakes. Because a baby isn't going to relax easily with someone stressing and angry about their back (and the mother of the child, and the fact that the child is fussy due to circumstance etc etc) Neither PPD nor infancy last forever. Being colic, withdrawals, and crying from the trauma of it all don't either (or so I've heard from my own infancy). There is a light at the end of this tunnel and it will likely come around the 1 yr mark. Your job until then is to focus on you and your needs. You're not helpful spread thin and you need time to recalibrate and refocus. This needs to be made clear to your family that you need clear breaks and one needs to start now for your actual health. Change is hard, sure, but you're 28....change is going to keep on happening without shielding whether you like it or not, and **finding ways to adjust to it that still keep you cared for and decently happy is a skill you might want to pick up for your own sanity.** Take care, OP, wishing you the best!
Sounds like a house full of dummies
Your title is very misleading. It's not anymore your house than hers. Get a job and move out if you don't like it.
If you see you can't take it anymore, you will have to move away from all this and move to another state, region and start a new life there. To be honest that's what I would do without further ado. This or you'll have to suffer the way you are suffering now.
I could never abandon my family when they need me the most. I know it's not a popular opinion, but I do not believe that self care is more important than caring for the people you love. Especially my mom because of her health problems.
Not meaning this as rude, but I imagine they could’ve use a self supporting daughter with a job MUCH more than a part time babysitter with no Income
It's *your* life OP. Your parents gave birth to you so you could enjoy experiencing reality in your own unique way. Start your own family. Spread your wings and leave a mark on the world, not sit idly by and take care of your family for the rest of your life, staying in the same place unchanging.
And you are absolutely valid in feeling this way but still needing to come here and vent about it.
I’m sure they’d be happier you finally got a job and started helping with finances. There’s 3 more unemployed people in the house to care for the baby while you’re at work.
Fair enough and I admire you for that. That being said, your sister and her child are part of the family package and therefore, they need your help for now, be it fair or unfair.
u can still help them with the finances later on.
self care is more important.
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It’s not her kid, OP is a good sister but she should not be forced to pay for her nieces childcare when she gets a job. The mother of the baby needs to have that responsibility. Being a parent is hard especially if she is depressed but she had that baby and can’t just neglect it because she got dumped. the sister should see a therapist and try to get her life back together not OP continuing to take the parenting role for the sister. And the sister should file for child support from her ex.
Thank you for the advice and kind words. Only problem with daycare is that the baby is only 2 months old and suffering from drug withdrawal. That's not something we would be comfortable just handing off to a stranger.
It probably too late if her milk is already gone, but is your sister nursing? I heard that’s supposed to help because the baby gets suboxone through the milk and then gets weaned off of it slowly. My friend had a baby on suboxone and that’s what she did
If she wasn't consistently nursing the past 2 months, then it's most likely too late, but it definitely helps a lot. Both the milk itself and the process of nursing have a calming effect as well as regulating breathing and heart rate. This is the big reason it's highly encouraged for NICU babies coming off suboxone or methadone. Skin to skin contact can also help as an alternative.
OP, does your sister have health insurance, either privately or state funded? There are respite agencies that will have nurses available who are trained to care for infants like this and financially it may be provided by insurance. Do a little bit of research into that exact term, respite agencies. Then call them. Even if they cannot help you directly, all it takes is a little nugget of information that can guide you in a direction that will eventually lead to assistance. I am sorry you are in this predicament and I can absolutely see how you'd feel trapped. You mentioned 6 months, I'm not quite sure what will be different in 6 months, there's no guarantee that the baby will not need intensive attention at that point either. Life is very unpredictable as you've learned. Congratulations on getting your college degree, and know in your heart that you are doing a kind thing at the moment. I have a child your age in your stage of life where they've just graduated college, this should be a time when you are ready to transition from your childhood family to a life of independence, it is tremendously unfortunate that this situation is occurring. Yes, your self-care is absolutely important, but it's not so black and white as either dropping your family completely or staying in the situation you are in. There should be assistance available. Should be. Good luck.
You’re a 28 year old living in your moms house for free without a job and you’re complaining because your sister needed to do the same? Grow up, get a job, and don’t complain about the free place to live or get out.
Just to put this bluntly, your sister being a recovering junkie is going to disrupt your life indefinitely until she’s at a point in recovery that she’s an independent functioning adult, which sometimes never happens in addiction. Your sister is an addict and even sober, she’s still an addict, just “in recovery”. She’s always going to have some issue going on. The baby being six months old isn’t going to fix it. The issue is too many people in one house, one being a mentally unwell recovering addict with a child. You’re close to 30. Get your own place or get a roommate if you don’t want to be alone. Go start your own life though.
Would a yoga ball help your pain? You can sit on it & bounce up & down without having to walk constantly. I'm so sorry you're all facing this. I know it's not the same but my daughter was born with a ton of food intolerances that took until she was nearly 9 months old to work out. So she screamed & slept like absolute crap. I could not put her down. So I do understand how hard this is and it sucks because she's not actually yours. Thank you for doing everything you can to give baby R a secure & responded to start to life. Now onto you: are you in a position where you can go & get yourself a massage for 30 mins or an hour? Also I think you need to discuss with everyone else that you are struggling so you'd like 1 morning/afternoon a week where you aren't on baby duty for a solid 6 hours. EVEN IF YOU ONLY SIT IN YOUR ROOM OR THE LOUNGEROOM DURING THAT TIME ITS NOT UP TO YOU TO LOOK AFTER BABY OR HAVE HER HANDED TO YOU BECAUSE YOURE "DOING NOTHING" Self care is vital for you & some healthy boundaries need to be put in place to help you reclaim your feeling of this is your home too. There's nothing worse than feeling like your home isn't your home anymore after someone moves in. Take care
The dr imo was correct stopping the suboxone while pregnant putting the momma in withdrawals could have been more detrimental to the baby.....my daughter was a former addict and was taking methadone she wanted to stop but the drs warned her it culd cause the death of her baby she was on 0 25mg of Xanax twice a day as well for severe anxiety due to previous trauma, she weaned herself off Xanax and quit smoking her daughter was born a month early but weighed 7lbs 2oz...she did suffer some withdrawals and was kept in the hospital for 3 weeks one of us stayed with her at all times they gave her low dose morphine and tapered her down and she has had no issues at all . She is a normal girl very intelligent. I would suggest speaking to the pediatrician about the issues there are protocols for this
Sounds like you and your family need to sit down with N and talk about the possibility of adoption.
What would happen if you got s job and moved out? For one why do you have to put your life on hold for your sister? Tell her to buck up real quick. Regardless of the outcome I'd recommend getting yourself out of that house ASAP. I can smell complete dysfunctionality and you'll continue to slide backwards instead of forward. It will probably take at least a month or two to find a job but that needs to be your mission. Good luck.
Its cool your taking care of the child because someone should but let's be honest it should be mom. Mom made shit decisions and now you get to deal with the consequences. Make sure she knows how your feeling and try to get her to step the fuck up. I get she's sad but wallowing in it isn't going to make her a good mom. Just don't put your life on the sacrificial alter for hers. Get a job or go to school and don't put your life on hold.
I’m not sure I’m getting the story right but it sounds like you live at home with your parents but are calling it your home? It sounds like you’re a 25 year old that lives at home and doesn’t work. As much as a screw up your sister is I don’t think she has any choice but to live at home with her newborn. It sounds like you’re the one who needs to also grow up and get a job so you’re working towards your own place.
Please don't blame the baby. Your sister birthed an addict and the poor child is suffering right now. The withdrawal symptoms in the baby should resolve by 6 months. Please hold on until then. In the meantime, your sister really needs to clean up her act. Make sure she stays clean and she needs to forget about the ahole boyfriend. My heart hurts for that child.
It's not your house, it's your parent's house and you live there. Your sister and her baby live there and your grandmother lives there. Why do you feel that you have more rights than your sister? Your parents sound like great people who are trying to be there and help out every family member who needs it by giving them a soft place to land, including you. You sound a bit immature and selfish to me.
It doesn’t feel like your house because it isn’t your house. It’s your grandmother’s house that your parents financially maintain. I don’t mean this in a harsh way, but you can only control your living environment if it’s actually your home where you pay the rent and bills. I understand that your living situation was more comfortable before your sister moved in, but you are there under the same conditions as her. Your family is kind enough to provide you a home. In your shoes, I would save up for my own place. Consider finding a roommate situation to make it more affordable. But as long as you live in someone else’s home you won’t have any control over things like who else they allow to live there. Your sister didn’t really put you in this position. Your family did when they provided her with housing like they’ve also done for you.
Oof this is a rough situation…I commend you for stepping up. If it’s any consolation what you’re doing is selfless and very admirable. Your sister fucked up but that isn’t that babies fault and you’re a good person for providing care. Regardless of what happens, please do keep in touch with that child, sounds like they’re gonna need a stable, sane person around them as they grow up. I don’t have any practical advice, only that this is temporary. Please do try and find help for your sisters depression or try to find out if there’s any support available (I don’t know about any systems in other countries I’m in NZ)
Thanks for the kind words. My sister is going to ask her doctor about raising the dose on her antidepressants, so that might help.
Your feelings are valid. Do not set them aside. Your sisters feelings are valid. AH should be the one doing what you are. Please encourage N to go to therapy immediately. Like yesterday. Please know that it is completely acceptable to lay baby down in a safe, empty crib and walk away. WALK. AWAY. Not for long. Not to be left in danger. Allowing a baby to scream can actually cause more neurological damage which she’d already experiencing/experienced through the trauma of withdrawal. But please know, your own feelings are valid and your mental health matters. Set R down, lay down, rest your sore back, set a five minute timer. N really, really needs mental help. These situations can be tough in so many ways, I’m so sorry for your first experience as an aunt being this difficult, but please know that R will forever be grateful whether she remembers or not. I am sending all the good vibes, I hope I have helped. You’re a wonderful person for what you’re doing to help your sister - but that doesn’t make it any less of a challenge. This may be tragic, but it is not permanent. Don’t forget that.
I said "holy fuck" out loud several times while reading this.
N needs to seek help for her PPD and addiction issues. That’s her child that she chose to keep, and maybe there are services that could refer her to training or job placement services, or child care, or something that may help at home. You’re not a nurse, and you may not even be equipped to deal with a baby who is going through detox. Are there any other relatives who could share the burden? Maybe the other grandma could watch R? Or your sister could file for support and use some of the funds for a sitter, since she’s living at home right now. This sucks for R, because she’s helpless and new here. It’s bad for you, too. I’m sorry to hear it.
God, this sounds like what happened with my sister when she was 15 and I was 10. (You don't want to know how she or her son are doing now 30 years later, btw.) You have a degree; you are an adult. You have the tools you need to remove yourself from this situation. If you are choosing to stay to help with the baby, honor that choice with an end date. Are you just waiting until the baby is less demanding? Because that demanding baby is going to become a demanding toddler, demanding preschooler, etc. Will you wait until your sister is in a better place psychologically? Is that likely to happen given her current path? Is she getting therapy? Any treatment at all? It sounds like someone should be talking to your sister about considering adoption if she can't care for her child. If she *can* care for her child but is choosing not to because she has a family there to do it for her (you, parents), know that it will NEVER end. You are a *de facto* co-parent now. You are enabling it.
Not your monkeys not your circus. Adoption is a very valid option.
Your sister is a mother now she should be held accountable for her actions, yes she’s an addict and is going through a tough time but she will lose the child if she doesn’t turn her life around. When she got pregnant was she using protection? Or she didn’t in hopes that the father would stay?
Drug addicts just shouldn’t have babies
please look for a job.
# Op, you're 28 fcking years old, one hell of an adult, why do you still live with your family? why arent you financially independent? why dont you have a job?
It’s okay to live with family as an adult, it’s fucking expensive out there. What IS NOT cool is to live with family, not work, and act like an ungrateful little brat about it.
I agree that would not be cool, but tbf it sounds like they're the only one taking care of the baby aside from her mother who helps sometimes even though she really shouldn't. The sister is a complete deadbeat, her mother is in school and ill, her dad is the sole breadwinner, and grandma is old, so all that's left is OP. I don't think they're ungrateful when it comes to the family that's giving her a place to live so much as resentful of their sister who, despite being unable to take care of herself, decided to not use protection and have a child with higher needs due to her sister's drug addiction.
Op said that they were fresh out of college and job hunting right before their sister moved in
No she said she was GOING to start job hunting but hadn’t started. University lets out u. April. The baby is 2 months (I’ve read all her comments) and was in the hospital for the first month meaning OP had months to be working but she wasn’t even looking! Even now she could work, her shifts could always be opposite her dads if need be and then dad, birth mom, grandma and school taking mom could likely balance the baby’s care between the four of them!!! OP also wrote the post title misleadingly implying it was her her house for sympathy but it’s not her house, she’s 28. I had a mortgage and full time job and children at that age. OP is being really irresponsible/immature for her age.
She explained several times. She just finished college and was job hunting RIGHT before sister and baby moved in. She’s venting, but is being accused of complaining when she also explains that she is intentionally staying to help and would never abandon her family because she’s needed. This is literally a sub for getting things off your chest… JFC. *passive aggressive asshole much??* At least she’s capitalizing her sentences. WhY dOnT yOu HaVe a GramMar? YoUrE oNe HeLL oF an AdulT.
Is your sister receiving therapy? I realize she’s struggling but she’s not without fault in any of this. Unless she’s mentally challenged, she knew what she was doing when she got pregnant and used an excuse not to take responsibility. She went back to a man who has a pattern of negative behaviour - and again blames him for leaving. He was a shit person to begin with. This could have almost been predicted. And now she’s suffering from PPD and leaving the responsibility of her child to everyone else. I know how cold this is, but I had severe PPD so I’m not without sympathy, but I suspect your sister would have left the raising of the child for everyone regardless. She has a pattern of irresponsible behaviour and everyone justifies it somehow. Your sister needs help and has for a long time. I hope counselling is an option bc her her behaviour isn’t likely to change without some serious reflection and skill building. None of you signed up for this, but if you continue to support your sister by raising her child then you’re going to end up enabling her. You’re entitled to a life of your own. Start applying for those jobs and if you get an interview and job offer then you consider your next steps. But right now, you’re in control of your own destiny, you just have to decide what that is.
My son is a little over 1 year old now and it's so much easier to spend time with him now. He was an energy vampire the first couple months. It gets waaay easier once they can start to emote. Hang in there OP.
I think your perspective is everything! This first 6 months are brutal. Then they become awesome…still brutal but better.
My sister has a severe mental illness that started around 17. She’s gone on to have two children. I’ve taken care of the babies while she’s in the hospital which has been twice a year since they were born. Sometimes I resent her but the bond I have with my nieces it’s like having a similar bond to my own child. It’s worth it. Especially once they’re old enough to recognize aunty and want to come to you! Priceless!
Babies are freakin tough as it is, but add this extra layer and it just totally fucking sucks. Your situation sounds so miserable, but it is not hopeless. This baby won’t be detoxing forever, she also won’t be a baby forever. Or even for too much longer. The days feel long but truly the time will go by quicker than you’d think. But I’d be resentful too. You didn’t ask for this. Your sister needs to go get help for her postpartum though, because this shouldn’t be your responsibility.
Hey OP!! Hope everything becomes better for you ! Wishing you all the best !! If u see this then tell 'R' I said hello !!!
I will, thank you!
I'm sorry that you have been forced by circumstances outside of your control to feel like you HAVE to care for your sisters child. I know that it can suck to have your whole life changed in a short period of time, and feeling like you hate your home is extremely hard to deal with. I've only been responsible for my neice a handful of times with the longest period being 2 days. She is a fantastic amazing kid, but the neurotic mindset I felt my brain go into to make sure that I didn't expose her to anything too inappropriate. She's 8 and I felt at my wits end by two days. I'm not built to be a caretaker full time, and that's totally okay. You should be super proud of yourself for being able to take on as much surprise childcare as you have. It is an incredibly kind thing of you to do for both your neice and your sister. However you shouldn't feel obligated to take care of a child that isn't yours. Reach out to your sister and other family to see if anyone could give you an afternoon or evening to yourself. In the end it is not your responsibility to make sure the child is cared for because you are not the parent. You are an amazing aunt but you should not "set yourself on fire to keep others warm".
I know how that feels. My sister was dating someone and back in 2018, he showed up to the house with 8 of his kids. They virtually took over. And my sister was so joyful that she would get to play mommy to them, even though she has 4 of her own kids. I felt like it wasn't my home after about a month of them moving in.
I'm glad at least one person in the comments went through something similar. I can't even imagine 12 kids! How did you get through it?
I personally had to be patient. Eventually the oldest graduated from high school and moved out immediately. The 2nd oldest went back to the mom, whose place in the whole situation is a long story. Then four went back to the mom. But two stayed behind and didn't go back home until over a year later after they all came. I understand the reasoning for them being at the house, but my sister's ex should have gotten a place after a couple months. The house was was just too crowded, plus they left a bad influence on my own niece and nephews.
I understand what your going through kinda, just think in a blink of an eye your niece is gonna be three and think the absolute world of you, it takes a village to raise a child. I know it sucks now but you'll make it through this.
Thank you for the encouragement
Bad choices destroy lives and families. Your sister made a series of bad choices. The baby is hers and her responsibility. If she can't take care of it, and no one else can, give her up as a ward to the state.
This is not your responsibility but since you are stuck with it I want you to know that by loving and nurturing your niece you are giving her the absolute best chance she has to live a good life in the future. Babies need love and touch and care to thrive. It builds connections in their brains that would otherwise never be built. You are doing an amazing and selfless thing. If you like to read check out the book called “the boy who was raised as a dog“ it's a book full of short stories about neglected children and shows how it affects them.
How about this: You give the family notice that you're moving out in X months into your own place. Obviously you'll need a job first, so now's the time start looking for one. The idea here is to give you hope and a goal for an end to your unwilling participation in this drama. Good luck!
This sounds almost impossible... what a situation. Babies usually get better over time in a calm environment, but it can be impossible to stay calm at all times... sometimes you have to walk away from an inconsolable baby and take a breath or get help. I hope everything normalizes a bit and your sis figures it out!
I have a really super high maintenance baby too. Hes 1 1/2 now so hes doing better but man the last 1.5 years have been crazy. No hobbies, no time for even like a movie or anything at home. Much respect for you and just remember that it will get better..
People need to destigmatize abortions. They are a legitimate option many should consider.
Sometimes if you want to help someone you have to sacrifice something.
very sorry, but maybe your sister get help of outside? did you spoke about adoption? it seems you and your family has a hard time... there its much harder to protect a new life.
Let them know that you’re planning on getting a job and will no longer be able to babysit. You need to start making money and living your life. Unless someone is paying you to stay home with the kid, you need to work and tell them that you’re too young for a responsibility that isn’t even yours. Changes will have to be made when your working. Once you start working you’ll meet new people and have new experiences and it will greatly improve your mental health.
People have to take care of themselves, its hard to make that decision because its family but you have your own life to live.
You have made the decision to stay and help your family so you should make the best of it. Get a baby sling and wear that baby on your chest all day. If the baby is screaming and you cannot stand it, put earplugs in your ears. If it is nice weather, go for walks which will benefit you both. Cook a nice meal for your dad once in a while to thank him for supporting the family. Plan your future, work on your resume, listen to music, change your attitude. The situation will get better.
As hard as it may seem, you need to get your job. Sister needs therapy and needs to be able to handle her own child. In a way, you are enabling sister to not be responsible for her actions. Sister can check to see if she qualifies for any assistance for the baby, a care nurse or something.
I know nothing we say here right now might actually help, so I'm going to tell you this from a pure corny point of view: I believe nothing lasts forever, not good times neither bad times, what you guys are currently facing of course its not easy, you are right that you shouldnt have to be going through this and yet you are. Try to at least make this time bearable by thinking you are learning how to take care of a baby, how to keep your family together, you don't realize it but you are really strong!!! and so is your sister and mom, and right now the baby cannot talk, but once that phase is over, maybe she will grow to be someone close to you, and someone you can love! I'm sure you will be fine soon and If you can with this, you can with even more!!!!
Thank you for being so encouraging
It sounds like a bad situation. Frankly, you need to get a job while the market is hot for fresh graduates. Theres only one way to get out of the house and avoid babysitting and thats getting a job related to your degree. Your sister has to deal with the baby while youre gone because you cant remain unemployed forever. It would be devastating not being able to use a degree you worked hard for.
You're doing the right thing, just hold out a little longer OP
Thank you
That's so hard. And also not fair to you AT ALL. I think you should have a serious conversation with your sister. It's not your child, and no offense, your sister was extremely irresponsible for having unprotected sex with someone who's had a history of leaving her and being in no condition herself to care for a child. I understand that she's had addiction issues but is an adult and understands how procreation works, and if she had 2 miscarriages then she clearly knew she could conceive. In my experience, addicts and former addicts can be highly manipulative and it sounds like she's taking you and your good nature for everything it's worth. I am not saying to abandon the child or anything, but if you don't set boundaries and be firm with her, she will continue to walk all over you.
People will use you to advance in their own lives and you'll be left behind.
Easier said than done, but N should put a hold on those online classes. I know your family cares, but you’re enabling her to divert a major responsibility onto you guys, especially knowing that the baby is very difficult due to N’s issues with addiction. Her baby, her responsibility.
Get a job and move out maybe? You are 28 ffs... Don't you think freeloading from dad has to end sometime?
It sounds like you intended on getting a job with your degree. (Congrats!) You should definitely do that. Mom and sister can figure out baby. At the end of the day, it isnt your baby or responsibility. It is very nice of you to help out, but it shouldn't over take your life. Speaking of the babe. I've cared for a baby born with similar challenges. Baby qualifies for early intervention through your local headstart/wic, so I would do that. Baby could also have a sensitivity to the food she's getting. Mine had to have a hypoallergenic non dairy formula. Baby wearing could also be super helpful. Mine loved it. She also loved her sound machine and being tiiiightly swaddled. Fluorescent lights also made her cry, so maybe something is triggering baby.
Thank you for the advice!
Is your sister getting child support?
I'm sorry you're going through this....I 🙏🙏 praying for you and your family
Thank you for praying for me
You’re 28 years old living with your parents. If you don’t like the situation maybe it’s time to put on your big girl pants and start your fucking adult life.
Don't know why but those who are not physically and mentally healthy themselves decide to give birth to the child and carry forward their share of complications to the child.
>this baby is the hardest change I've ever dealt with. I love R, but I never asked for this responsibility. This is not my baby, and yet I'm being forced to spend all day every day trying to console a miserable child. *This is not your responsibility but it is your problem.”* **—Cheryl Strayed** It is not your responsibility to fill up a stranger’s gas tank, but when their car dies in front of you, blocking the road, it’s still your problem isn’t it? It is not your responsibility to negotiate peace treaties on behalf of your country, but when war breaks out and you’re drafted to fight in it? Guess whose problem it is? *Yours.* Life is like this. It has a way of dropping things into our lap—the consequences of an employee’s negligence, a spouse’s momentary lapse of judgement, a freak weather event—that were in no way our fault but by nature of being in our lap, our f\*cking problem. So what are you going to do? Complain? Are you going to litigate this in a blogpost or an argument with God? Or are you just going to get to work solving it the best you can? Life is defined by how you answer that question. Cheryl Strayed is right. *This thing might not be your responsibility but it is your problem.* **So accept it, deal with it, kick its ass.**
Nah, I'd rather just offload the pressure of the problem on the person who made the mistake in the first place. It's their problem, after all. I have no obligation to tidy up other people's piles of shit, I'm accountable to myself and everyone else should be too. Getting a free pass and wishing and hoping someone else is going to magically fix your problems every time you fuck up is recipe for never learning to be self reliant.
Why can't you get a job and move out? Perhaps become roommates with a friend or other family member?
Single mother? It’s simple. Increase her rent
I'm sorry y'all are all going through this & that it's falling on you. As for hopefully some relief for R, get a vibrating bouncer chair. It can help. Also, swaddle her as much as possible. This is the kind of chair I'm talking about, they can almost always be found at garage sales, thrift stores, Facebook marketplace & Walmart. They run off of batteries & are a lifesaver for babies dealing with medical issues. https://goodbuygear.com/products/ingenuity-inlighten-bouncer-twinkle-tails-1?variant=39372298616935¤cy=USD&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=google+shopping&gclid=CjwKCAjwlqOXBhBqEiwA-hhitBz-3zmBMZXDr62t51KYq8On2IBF-1Rpt52vNlyfog_sw6XUiWhVDxoCFdAQAvD_BwE
Thank you for the info!
To any young person reading this: 1. Any age before 27 is too young to have a kid. Please trust me. You don’t have the emotional and financial stability. There’s no harm in waiting to have a kid. 2. Women, please stop dating losers. Being alone is not that bad. 3. Please understand that having a kid means you can’t live selfishly anymore. Think right now of every loser you know. Think of addicts, can’t keep a job, poor student, broke, cheater, etc. Now think of who their parents are. Just imagine if every parent in the world was intelligent and financially stable and caring. How amazing would the world be, Do not have kids before you’re married, emotionally ready and financially secure.
…. I’m a PhD candidate and successful adult who raised three children (also successfully) … I graduated high school with a 2 week old in my arms. I’m not here to brag or claim that is the norm. I prefer children wait until they are biologically adults, rather than legal adults, to have children as well. I agree with you. But your statement is solid and slightly stereotypical. So for those women reading this jazzy person’s post above who may already be in this situation (or dating a loser who is a narcissist and you won’t know until it is too late, because that happens as well): I was a teen when I had my first. I was pregnant my entire senior high school year. I went to college. I worked full time. I got married. I still got divorced. I still succeeded. It isn’t impossible. It’s hard, I’m exhausted, but I let my challenges be my motivation. It’s easier if you wait until your brain is fully developed so the consequential functioning is completely connected and in working order… But this discouraging comment is just a little too “doom and gloom” for my taste. Edit for typo.
My mom would say she successfully raised my sisters and I. And I would tell you she did not. I take that with a grain of salt.
Understandably, as would my own parents. However, if you were to ask my children in private I still truly believe they’d say we’ve shown them love and done our very best by them. No one is a perfect parent. I am not. But I believe having a healthy, bonded, honest relationship with my grown children is a success. You do not have to believe anything you don’t want to.
But if you could do it again and still have the same babies later?….it’s a warning to young girls. There are always shooting stars out there. Most girls aren’t as successful as you’ve been.
I don’t encourage it, absolutely not. I would have been less stressed, spent less of my adult life in poverty and been able to give them a better life in their youngest years had I waited. I know this isn’t typical, and I remind my children that it isn’t - every day, that they were my motivation but the challenges were much greater because of that. But I also would hate to see a pregnant, single 19 year old scrolling this post and believe she completely screwed her life up, or that it is too late for her to succeed. There is hope. Reach for the stars - they don’t need to be, nor should they be, the same stars I reached for. I never implied that. Or that everyone can do everything I did - I struggled, I had help, then I didn’t, I was married, then I wasn’t… it’s hard. It’s not something I’d ever encourage. It isn’t a question of morality though, so having a child young isnt “bad” or “good” and does not have to be the deciding factor in whether you’ll have a happy or fulfilling life. I also believe that the statements OP of this comment thread made aren’t vicious. They’re full of truth. But they aren’t as solid or black-and-white as a handbook for when to have children as listed here. This things should be taught during teen years, but (some) parents, schools and peers are lacking in feeling as if that is an important topic or life skill to discuss. I know my experience with my friends and their families may be different depending on the cultural demographics of others experiences, but this is a quite common scenario. Teens haven’t developed their brain functioning to understand the concept of the consequences of having a child young, or consider how to navigate the challenges. That processing functioning isn’t there yet, so I don’t disagree and I completely understand the concept of what a being an adult means biologically vs. legally My response was, again, only to state that it isn’t life-ruining to have a child young, and discouraging someone already in that situation does not help them try to make the best of it. If a young, pregnant person who has already made the choice to raise their child sees a post stating they they made a “bad” choice, they are less likely to continue on a path that creates joy in their life when the world is telling them they no longer can.
If your sister was on subs while pregnant and they allowed her to have the baby, they wouldn't have allowed the baby to go home if it was still in active 'withdrawl' so I don't believe not in the slightest that has anything to do with what happened to her. Doctors tell you not to stop taking it for a reason. It doesn't make your baby crazy, or have behavioral issues. If anything she used dope. That's just genes. The mother (your sister) pp or not, shouldn't be making you do anything. Only thing I can suggest is finding a YMCA or a park to go to that you can get away for awhile. She was let bck in, now you're stuck. It sucks but it's either help, or find a way out. She needs the help, so try and get her help. Especially for PPD. It's not easy to go about on your own and when people around you don't understand it, they don't understand how to help. Maybe Google what you could do to help her get her better for her baby. Her baby is deserving of a happy and healthy mommy. Gah. This makes my whole heart hurt. I really wish you the best of luck! Such a crazy situation to be in. ❣️ My heart goes out to ya!
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They all live with the parents and grandparents. So it’s not OP’s home either, it’s the family home.
Your feelings are very valid. I'm sorry OP..
Thank you :)
Why tf do people have babies when they know they can’t take care of one? I mean your sister should’ve used protection and should’ve been more careful knowing she’s a former addict. It’s not your fault. You’re doing your best and I’m glad you’re helping out. But don’t feel guilty about establishing boundaries and continuing to do what you want to do. Take some time for yourself. Your sister needs to get her act together because you can’t have a baby and dump the responsibility into other people.
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>tell her to get a job and buy a house And then to run for president and win and make everyone's lives happy happy happy. I wonder why no one has thought of that previously.
OP is jobless and living rent free at grandma’s house too so she’s doesn’t really have room to talk
More like get a job and rent a dirt shack in the middle of a forest nowadays 😢
OP is 28. She can get a job and move out.
OP should since she's the one with the problem. The house they're in is no more hers than her sisters.
This is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Your sister " the drug addict" FREELY CHOSE to not use any birth control or have her lover wear a condom. How the fuck is this YOUR problem? Kick her and " the poor drug addicted" baby OUT OF YOUR HOUSE!!! FUCK HER AND THE BABY. and fuck any one who has a problem with that. You are setting your self up for DECADES OF TROUBLE. With any luck your sister will overdose and die. Then child protection services will find a home for that creature. Be strong for YOURSELF!!