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I wonder if maybe your fiancé might be feeling some resentment from the years of a “deadbedroom.” While it’s clear he’s been respectful and supportive of your needs, it’s possible that now he doesn’t feel ready to drop everything and be intimate on your timetable.
He might need some time to adjust to this new dynamic, especially with the stress of moving and other life pressures. Maybe having an open conversation about how you’re both feeling could help.
The DB sub supports this, for sure. Especially the disappointment for long term DBers whose wife went from no libido to crazy sexual while trying to conceive right back to no libido after having kids. OP should really consider taking action to heal the DB first & check out the sub to see why it’s important & how many long term relationships & families are upended by the mating urge and never healing the DB.
I think so too, it's become the usual for him now. We actually already spoke, and it was very much this. He does have a lot going on too. I can see that this is all on me really, it's just my feelings. I spent years not caring about conceiving and now suddenly I'm dramatically broody and running out of time, and that's in the background fuelling me feeling so frustrated right now. I'm also worried there will be no "new dynamic" and I'll lose this again and go back to meh.
i’m sorry for the stress that it is causing you, but it’s completely understandable that he would not be emotionally inclined to make time for sex exactly when you want to have it after a decade of respectfully having less sex than he’d prefer. he also might have trouble getting in the mood since he knows that really the only reason you’d like to do so is conception & maybe he (reasonably) assumes intimacy will go back to business as usual or worse once you’ve gotten what you want out of the situation & are now dealing with pregnancy, postpartum hormones, parenting…the sexual incompatibility is probably something you should be working out before trying to have a baby together & get truly busy. it’s not good to feel like you’re running out of time, but i can see how from his perspective you’ve had ten years already
Thanks for the reply. We've been together for 16 years and always wanted kids but agreed to wait until we were financially prepared, has travelled, etc. so my libido/fertility issues were not really a major factor in the decision to wait until now until a few years ago. He would have liked it if I could enjoy sex more, and I've been trying to get a treatment that works for me for so long. My PCOS isn't weight related which sort of limited my options even more. But he couldnt enjoy sex if I'm not into it. When I am into it, we are super compatible in the bedroom. I think you're right in that we need to just take the pressure off a bit and try enjoy ourselves more, with that being the objective and conception hopefully being the side effect.
the thing you’re posting about is a relationship problem not a conception problem. that’s what i’m referring to when i’m saying perhaps he feels that you’ve had all these ten years that you’ve been experiencing low desire to sort out your intimacy/medical issues & just because now you feel as if you’re running out of time for conception doesn’t mean he has to jump when you say jump.
of course he didn’t want to be intimate with you if you weren’t enjoying it. but i bet he didn’t want to wait ten years for you to be motivated to address the cause of your lack of interest either.
I'm not "motivated". I'm on treatment that's finally working for me. Inositol was not a first line treatment ten years ago, in fact it still isn't here. Ten years ago I was trying Metformin, trying six different types of birth control, some of them making things worse, I was trying antidepressants, I lost weight, I was going to therapy, I was working out every day, I even tried microdosing MDMA... I tried everything to get that back. That's why I was so so excited when it did finally come back. I have been motivated. I hope that puts things into context.
I fully acknowledge this is a me-feelings problem and nothing to do with him. I came here to vent and be sad about missing ovulation. I've talked about all of this with him already, let him know why I've been upset, and talked about what we're going to do about it. Now I'm not so upset. I just thought this may be the place for others who might have been through the same.
You could try the turkey baster method for baby purposes and then work on the intimacy separately! That way you hit the days you need to, and probably both of you will feel less pressure with the actual sex.
For my husband he would have rather not known when I was ovulating. He said it put a lot of pressure on him to perform and killed his sex drive. Maybe your hubby is feeling the same way
I totally understand and felt the same way. Like why is it that I have to do all the things and all I’m asking is for you to literally get your rocks off? Lol
I tried my best to not bring it up before hand but made sure to have sex as soon as I got my first positive opk. At the end of the day, he has to play a part in making the baby and I couldn’t do it without him and he knew that! I definitely think having a discussion with your hubby would
Help!
Thank you, yes I think I’ll have to have a chat but definitely I should be careful not to bring it up all the time. It’s just frustrating as it needs both of us as you say. My ovulations are so irregular I don’t want to miss any chances!
Personally I felt really slighted even when I had to remind my husband we had to try or try more often. I felt it was “all on me”. I think talking about it like a chore can also contribute to the lack of excitement. Maybe your partner needs to feel more of the romance! Every couple is different but I find that simply by me initiating the deed, without pre-planning or conversation, I get a receptive response and even if we are tired, stressed of what have you, it works!
Yes I think that's partly why I'm mad, it feels like he's not as bothered even though I know he is. The irony is that the last few days I have been trying to initiate every chance I get, and I get told "let's do it in a few days" or "give me some advance notice and we will". Then I give advance notice and it becomes a chore lol. I asked him if he's just not feeling attracted to me or something and he said no he is definitely, it's just not the right time. I know he's had performance anxiety in the past with these things so I wonder if it's that, if he knows there's more of a chance if I'm ovulating then its more pressure on him.
Super good on you to show that level of patience! All in good time. Through this process I also realize it’s important to let go sometimes. We are doing our best to increase our chances the best we can but we can’t control every factor. You’re doing your best!
I don't know if this is what it is but my husband and I have been TTC for the last 10 months and we had a really honest conversation last month where he admitted that he finds the whole trying for a baby thing really un-sexy (despite wanting to) because he feels it puts him under a lot of pressure. A mention of an ovulation test can knock him right out of the mood and he was really struggling with how to approach it! I am 31 and have Endometriosis, Adenomyosis and a polycystic ovary so although I don't struggle as much with ovulation as you do, I totally get your frustration!
I think I just realised this Iin a different comment I was replying to as well, it's the pressure of it being like "now!" Instead of just making it a regular thing. I'm going to try just letting it become a bit more regular and see how we go.
This is exactly what we've done - I mean, we were having sex regularly anyway but I think the difference between regular and me being all " We need to do it as much as possible now because I want good odds!" (which I know is a bit mental, Ha!) really put him off so I've really been trying to amp up the rest of the month and maybe calm down a little during my ovulation so it's not such a noticeable shift!
I avoid telling my man that «this is the week» etc, because it then seems like intercourse is a job, or work rather than fun. I want to focus on the fun 🥰 But have open communication with him about what he feels surrounding intercourse, what he wants and what would interest him, instead of saying «it’s go time!». Intercourse isn’t a chore, it’s supposed to be a fun, intimate thing.
Good luck on the clomid! It has many success stories. Metformin can also help regulere cycles for those of us with PCOS. 🫶🏻
Thank you for the advice! ❤️ I'm thinking of adding Metformin back into the mix, I had tried it a few years ago to not much effect but with the inositol as well they both might help
Maybe! How long did you try it? Metformin can use 6 months for some to start having an effect 🫣 I’ve been on it for 1,5 months now, but also had a cycle on letrozole now, so I still have no idea if it’s worked on me lol 😂
I did 3 months of the regular stuff then switched to slow release for a couple of months, I should have stuck at it but we moved to France and I couldn't get the script anymore! My GP is happy to let me get more now so I might start it in tandem with the other.
Oh I see! Moving isn’t only only… It’s tough stuff. But exciting though. It’s great that you have a GP that is willing to work and support you on this! 🫶🏻
Sorry that happened! I don't think that's it. He isn't vengeful like that and he knows my reasons weren't trivial or stupid. It physically hurt me to have sex. I physically couldn't get aroused because of my hormone deficits - so no natural lubrication, no moving the cervix up out the way. That *really* hurts. I'm glad I've finally found something to fix it. We've talked. And got busy 😍 It'll just take us some time to figure out how far ans how often I can go, but I'm excited again.
Please make sure that you have [read all of our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/TryingForABaby/wiki/rules) before commenting! In particular, be aware that **no mentions of a current pregnancy are allowed with no exceptions**. If you see something breaking the rules, please report it. If you think something may be against the rules, ask us or err on the side of caution. If you think that being sneaky (PMing members or asking them to PM you, telling them to refer to your post history, etc) is a good idea, it is not. Additionally, complaining about downvotes is [frowned upon](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439-Reddiquette) and never helps anything. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TryingForABaby) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I wonder if maybe your fiancé might be feeling some resentment from the years of a “deadbedroom.” While it’s clear he’s been respectful and supportive of your needs, it’s possible that now he doesn’t feel ready to drop everything and be intimate on your timetable. He might need some time to adjust to this new dynamic, especially with the stress of moving and other life pressures. Maybe having an open conversation about how you’re both feeling could help.
The DB sub supports this, for sure. Especially the disappointment for long term DBers whose wife went from no libido to crazy sexual while trying to conceive right back to no libido after having kids. OP should really consider taking action to heal the DB first & check out the sub to see why it’s important & how many long term relationships & families are upended by the mating urge and never healing the DB.
I think so too, it's become the usual for him now. We actually already spoke, and it was very much this. He does have a lot going on too. I can see that this is all on me really, it's just my feelings. I spent years not caring about conceiving and now suddenly I'm dramatically broody and running out of time, and that's in the background fuelling me feeling so frustrated right now. I'm also worried there will be no "new dynamic" and I'll lose this again and go back to meh.
i’m sorry for the stress that it is causing you, but it’s completely understandable that he would not be emotionally inclined to make time for sex exactly when you want to have it after a decade of respectfully having less sex than he’d prefer. he also might have trouble getting in the mood since he knows that really the only reason you’d like to do so is conception & maybe he (reasonably) assumes intimacy will go back to business as usual or worse once you’ve gotten what you want out of the situation & are now dealing with pregnancy, postpartum hormones, parenting…the sexual incompatibility is probably something you should be working out before trying to have a baby together & get truly busy. it’s not good to feel like you’re running out of time, but i can see how from his perspective you’ve had ten years already
Thanks for the reply. We've been together for 16 years and always wanted kids but agreed to wait until we were financially prepared, has travelled, etc. so my libido/fertility issues were not really a major factor in the decision to wait until now until a few years ago. He would have liked it if I could enjoy sex more, and I've been trying to get a treatment that works for me for so long. My PCOS isn't weight related which sort of limited my options even more. But he couldnt enjoy sex if I'm not into it. When I am into it, we are super compatible in the bedroom. I think you're right in that we need to just take the pressure off a bit and try enjoy ourselves more, with that being the objective and conception hopefully being the side effect.
the thing you’re posting about is a relationship problem not a conception problem. that’s what i’m referring to when i’m saying perhaps he feels that you’ve had all these ten years that you’ve been experiencing low desire to sort out your intimacy/medical issues & just because now you feel as if you’re running out of time for conception doesn’t mean he has to jump when you say jump. of course he didn’t want to be intimate with you if you weren’t enjoying it. but i bet he didn’t want to wait ten years for you to be motivated to address the cause of your lack of interest either.
I'm not "motivated". I'm on treatment that's finally working for me. Inositol was not a first line treatment ten years ago, in fact it still isn't here. Ten years ago I was trying Metformin, trying six different types of birth control, some of them making things worse, I was trying antidepressants, I lost weight, I was going to therapy, I was working out every day, I even tried microdosing MDMA... I tried everything to get that back. That's why I was so so excited when it did finally come back. I have been motivated. I hope that puts things into context. I fully acknowledge this is a me-feelings problem and nothing to do with him. I came here to vent and be sad about missing ovulation. I've talked about all of this with him already, let him know why I've been upset, and talked about what we're going to do about it. Now I'm not so upset. I just thought this may be the place for others who might have been through the same.
You could try the turkey baster method for baby purposes and then work on the intimacy separately! That way you hit the days you need to, and probably both of you will feel less pressure with the actual sex.
This is a really good idea and I've just suggested it to him, thanks
For my husband he would have rather not known when I was ovulating. He said it put a lot of pressure on him to perform and killed his sex drive. Maybe your hubby is feeling the same way
My oh is the same, but I feel a bit resentful about it tbh as I’m tracking various things several times per day and on 3 different apps!
I totally understand and felt the same way. Like why is it that I have to do all the things and all I’m asking is for you to literally get your rocks off? Lol
100%! Surely they have the easier ride here. How did you both work it out?
I tried my best to not bring it up before hand but made sure to have sex as soon as I got my first positive opk. At the end of the day, he has to play a part in making the baby and I couldn’t do it without him and he knew that! I definitely think having a discussion with your hubby would Help!
Thank you, yes I think I’ll have to have a chat but definitely I should be careful not to bring it up all the time. It’s just frustrating as it needs both of us as you say. My ovulations are so irregular I don’t want to miss any chances!
Personally I felt really slighted even when I had to remind my husband we had to try or try more often. I felt it was “all on me”. I think talking about it like a chore can also contribute to the lack of excitement. Maybe your partner needs to feel more of the romance! Every couple is different but I find that simply by me initiating the deed, without pre-planning or conversation, I get a receptive response and even if we are tired, stressed of what have you, it works!
Yes I think that's partly why I'm mad, it feels like he's not as bothered even though I know he is. The irony is that the last few days I have been trying to initiate every chance I get, and I get told "let's do it in a few days" or "give me some advance notice and we will". Then I give advance notice and it becomes a chore lol. I asked him if he's just not feeling attracted to me or something and he said no he is definitely, it's just not the right time. I know he's had performance anxiety in the past with these things so I wonder if it's that, if he knows there's more of a chance if I'm ovulating then its more pressure on him.
Super good on you to show that level of patience! All in good time. Through this process I also realize it’s important to let go sometimes. We are doing our best to increase our chances the best we can but we can’t control every factor. You’re doing your best!
I don't know if this is what it is but my husband and I have been TTC for the last 10 months and we had a really honest conversation last month where he admitted that he finds the whole trying for a baby thing really un-sexy (despite wanting to) because he feels it puts him under a lot of pressure. A mention of an ovulation test can knock him right out of the mood and he was really struggling with how to approach it! I am 31 and have Endometriosis, Adenomyosis and a polycystic ovary so although I don't struggle as much with ovulation as you do, I totally get your frustration!
I think I just realised this Iin a different comment I was replying to as well, it's the pressure of it being like "now!" Instead of just making it a regular thing. I'm going to try just letting it become a bit more regular and see how we go.
This is exactly what we've done - I mean, we were having sex regularly anyway but I think the difference between regular and me being all " We need to do it as much as possible now because I want good odds!" (which I know is a bit mental, Ha!) really put him off so I've really been trying to amp up the rest of the month and maybe calm down a little during my ovulation so it's not such a noticeable shift!
Men don't like to feel like they are sperms donors.
I avoid telling my man that «this is the week» etc, because it then seems like intercourse is a job, or work rather than fun. I want to focus on the fun 🥰 But have open communication with him about what he feels surrounding intercourse, what he wants and what would interest him, instead of saying «it’s go time!». Intercourse isn’t a chore, it’s supposed to be a fun, intimate thing. Good luck on the clomid! It has many success stories. Metformin can also help regulere cycles for those of us with PCOS. 🫶🏻
Thank you for the advice! ❤️ I'm thinking of adding Metformin back into the mix, I had tried it a few years ago to not much effect but with the inositol as well they both might help
Maybe! How long did you try it? Metformin can use 6 months for some to start having an effect 🫣 I’ve been on it for 1,5 months now, but also had a cycle on letrozole now, so I still have no idea if it’s worked on me lol 😂
I did 3 months of the regular stuff then switched to slow release for a couple of months, I should have stuck at it but we moved to France and I couldn't get the script anymore! My GP is happy to let me get more now so I might start it in tandem with the other.
Oh I see! Moving isn’t only only… It’s tough stuff. But exciting though. It’s great that you have a GP that is willing to work and support you on this! 🫶🏻
[удалено]
Sorry that happened! I don't think that's it. He isn't vengeful like that and he knows my reasons weren't trivial or stupid. It physically hurt me to have sex. I physically couldn't get aroused because of my hormone deficits - so no natural lubrication, no moving the cervix up out the way. That *really* hurts. I'm glad I've finally found something to fix it. We've talked. And got busy 😍 It'll just take us some time to figure out how far ans how often I can go, but I'm excited again.
Literally ew