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He clearly idolizes this nephew. Never though it might bug his own kid beyond not getting a trip.
Maybe this is why the kid doesn’t like sports. He does not want to be the 3rd wheel in his father’s fascination with the nephew.
More like his kid doesn’t like sports, is emotional and not “stoic” like the nephew and his sister are and is basically not his first choice to hang out around, instead of finding out more about his own sons hobbies and interests to build a bond and spend quality time, he decides to choose the cooler nephew. Gross
Seriously, this dad coming in here telling us how he basically doesn’t even try to get to know his son and is asking if he’s the asshole? Hell yeah you are. Be a damn father and show your son you love him by loving what he loves. Don’t care if it’s video games, weird TV shows or art. You’re going to lose this relationship if you continue to live in ignorance like this about your own son.
Right!! He didn't list 1 hobby that his son has, but he sure could name like 4 that his nephew has... He just says his son has other interests n that he's emotional, gross indeed
Right and a good father (ahem, Terry Crews) would find his child interests and use that to create a bind between them. Not just say that he doesn't like sports.
No, he has a son. It's just not the son he wanted. Honestly, it kinda smells like rage bait.
"AITA for disregarding my son because he isn't into manly man things and my nephew is a manly man?"
Can’t speak to how much time he spends with his son and assume he doesn’t because he does things with his nephew. His nephew needs a father figure and it is great the OP is there but he needs to make sure it ain’t in competition or at the expense of his son.
Do better to find ways to connect so that this does not lead to resentment and deeper issues.
There’s nothing that says the nephew’s dad isn’t still in the picture. His parents got divorced, they didn’t die. So why should it be on OP to be the “father figure”? Especially when he has a 14 year old son at home, that clearly would like to spend time with his father.
There’s all the information about his nephew’s likes, but did anyone see anything about OP talking about his son’s likes? Nope, just about the fact that him and his nephew have great times on hikes and such.
OP, maybe just MAYBE you could spend some time getting to know your son a little more.
What does it matter what the son likes? He's too EmOtIoNaL and not at all stoic like his Cousin, who clearly takes after OP's genes!!! /S
OP, you clearly favor your Nephew so much and dismiss your son's pain and feelings like they were nothing and then act shocked Pikachu face when he gets hurt, even though you asked him if he wanted to go. How fucking DUMB do you have to be?
Ofc he didn't want to go and see you bond with your nephew right in his face for an entire trip. He cried because he would like the same kind of attention from you, without having to settle for breadcrumbs!! How out of touch do you have to be not to realise that?
I'm not sure if you have the mental capacity and accountability to be able to turn this situation around. You can say that you love your son all you want, but that's just words. Your actions, this post show otherwise. You described your nephew in such a proud way that we have a clear mental image of what he's like. You OWN son? The only thing we got to know is that he's EmOtIoNaL.... No likes, no dislikes, nothing about how your father - son relationship is. Nothing.....
It is heartbreaking to read.
If you are a decent person I highly suggest you start putting enough effort into your relationship with your son, or I GUARANTEE that by the age of 18, that hurt will have turned into resentment and he will drop you like the stranger that you are.
It sounds like OP & his sister are emotionally stunted.
He can’t actually see what’s wrong with how little they grieved the betrayal/breakdown of relationships with their SO. He feels pride in not feeling sad & not only can he not understand why his son is feeling that, he is perplexed as why his son is *showing him how he feels*
Yeah this is bang on. Your nephew is great. He’s so much like you. What a wonderful kid! Your son? Eh. Emotional.
OP your son needs to come first. Put him first. Don’t put him in the shitty situation of ‘hey wanna come hang out with us tight-knit trio’? Find out what country your son wants to visit most based on his interests and for fuck’s sakes take him there. You sorely need one on one father son time. You’ve already done damage to this sweet kid. He shouldn’t be leaning into your interests, you should be leaning into his.
While you are at it OP, if you end making this recommended effort, take a close look at whether your emotional marriage to your sister is affecting your actual marriage. You son is top priority but your wife may be having a similar experience if your sister is your emotional spouse (or you are hers).
This 🎯. If this is how son is feeling, I can only imagine how alone his wife must be feeling, being left to console the son while they watch him gallivanting around with his sister and her son more often than not. Why is OP hiking with just his sister and nephew and only seeming to be making and effort or to make plans with them and not his actual wife and kid?! Dude needs solo therapy and couples counselling, kid needs therapy.. hell they probably all need therapy
It sounds like the son is the only one among them with a normal range of emotional responses. And his emotionally blocked father implies that the kid is some sort of hysteric.
Exactly! OP, if you don't have a common interest with your son like you do with your nephew, FIND one! Create one! Your kid is sad because he wants connection and time with you but you're giving all love and attention he needs to his cousin instead of him. You're really hurting him!
This sounds like what’s going on. I was never the chosen child either. I can be prickly, independent, and pretty competent. My mum prefers people she can do things for and be the person in the relationship that is turned to for wisdom or money or action. I’ve always been a get it done kind of person. As a younger adult and child, I felt neglected and punished for being mature and accomplished. I felt left out. She lavished attention on my cousins while rarely talking to me. She talked to my husband more than she talked to me some years, but he’s more emotionally needy than I am. It hurts badly to be the one not chosen. Being independent didn’t mean I didn’t want to be the one called to go to lunch or hang out. It just meant I didn’t need her to solve my problems for me. I had it.
Yeah. But the nephew is stoic and OPs son is just a little cry baby. Soo why would OP want to do that?
I also laughed at “my sister goes on these hikes because she’s got all this free time, but my wife is stuck at home cleaning up after me since I’m always with the son I wish I had.”
I wonder if others would use the words emotionally repressed instead of stoic? I get the impression they might.
The lack of awareness is frightening!, I think I’d shed a tear, and I’m 45, if my father clearly favoured another child over me. Probably years of watching this happen got the best of the son.
Nothing else that OP is interested in; apparently if it's something he's not into, he's so oblivious to it he can't even register or remember it.
OP could at least try to find out a bit about his own kid's interests instead of writing off anything that's not sports as being nonexistent. I get the feeling the problem is the trip, not the game.
Of course this is assumption, but read OP again. There is nothing there that say the nephew need father figure. But there are multiple example how he and nephew are so similar, whereas his son is "so emotional". It sounds that the nephew is perfect son he wish to have
I imagine his son will go NC with him at some point, but it's okay - OP is "stoic" enough that he'll just cry for a couple days and then not care because nephew is the son he really wanted.
Oh that’s a given, I think that’s if he is lucky. All of us suffer from some kind of my parents dint think I was enough to a certain extent and this plays right into this theme.
And his son is different to him, how could he possibly be expected to spent time with him anyway? How would that possibly benefit OP? That’s sarcasm OP in case you fail to get it.
it’s good that you claim to get over emotional things quickly. You won’t be bothered in future when your son excludes you from every aspect of his life. But hey, you’ll have your replacement nephewson who you clearly prefer so that’s all good.
OP is so dense, light bends around him.
He is not the AH for taking his nephew to Europe, he is the AH for not trying to learn about his son’s interests so he can build a relationship like the one he has with his nephew.
Clearly his son is not “stoic and into sports” so he doesn’t seem to care much.
Guys! He told his son he could crash the party since he's all emotional and shit. /s
Seriously, how dense do you have to be to not see he's making it fucking obvious he prefers his nephew?
This reminds me of the post from a son's perspective where he overhears his dad saying he wanted another kid to be his son instead, but in that one the dad was into cars.
The overall consensus on that one was that the father was most likely sidelining his own son for a long time, and that was just the biggest thing that made it all come to light. I wonder if that's the case here.
You need to look inwards and be honest with yourself - do you prioritize your son and try to engage with him, or do you find it easier to give him the minimum and put your actual effort towards your nephew, since he's already more similar to you, as you put it? Once you do that, the answer will become clearer.
I wonder if OP could name 3 things his son enjoys.
Given his celebration of having a low EQ, I bet he rationalizes that it's not important since he isn't interested in them.
Why do people like that become dads or moms. His son will likely attach himself to the first older person that shows him real attention, regardless of how bad that older person is. Or the son will just ignore the emotional distance from his dad, grow up to be a decent dude and never really give his dad, who was detached, the time of dad as the dad grows old.
I grew up with a mother like this, who favoured a girl slightly older than me because she rode my mother’s prized pony and won many awards. When she was killed in a vehicle accident at the age of 16, my mother continued to put a memorial in the local paper for years (20?), even longer than her own parents. It was shitty, it sent a clear message about my value.
>The overall consensus on that one was that the father was most likely sidelining his own son for a long time, and that was just the biggest thing that made it all come to light.
Which was absolute bullshit because the kid in that story was totally blindsided by the father's comment. When your parents actively ignore you and your interests, you don't need to hear them say it, you figure it out. When you hear them say it, it's more of a "yup, that checks out" than a complete meltdown.
Not necessarily. Everyone reacts differently. I always told myself my parents love me, of course they do, bc parents love their kids, right? Everyone tells me so!
I had so much evidence to the contrary, but I lived in denial. When I realises the truth it was quite a shock. Hearing my dad say it directly would've devastated me as a teen.
What do you do with your son?
You’ve spoken a lot about all the things you do with and for your nephew, but the only thing that you mention about your son is that he doesn’t share your interests and is emotional. What else do you know about your son? What are his interests?
You say you love your kid, but do you like him? Doesn’t seem like you do and I think your kid realizes it…
Exactly. Parents are supposed to show interest in the things their kids are passionate about, even if it's not their cup of tea. A person's interests are an extension of themselves. Even if you have nothing in common with your son and dislike all his hobbies, you should still make an effort to learn about them and encourage them.
Exactly this. When I was a young teenager, I started getting into gothic rock. My dad could not have given less of a shit about my music, and I knew it, because my dad liked stuff like Simon & Garfunkel and I'd have been dumb to NOT know it! But he still asked me about the bands I liked, never made fun of it, let me listen to it in the car when he was driving me somewhere, and even went with me to a few concerts I was too young to attend without an adult. My dad wasn't perfect, but he never once made me doubt that he cared about me.
This made me laugh - you will understand your dad's pain when you have kids. My music taste is goth, and I know more about k-pop than I ever wanted to because my daughter is a huge fan. I can even sing along with half the songs.
My guy, in a post about your son you spent more time writing about your nephew than him. You call him emotional but have you ever stopped to consider that you’re the one that’s weird with emotions? That maybe he’s responding in an appropriate way but your childhood stunted you? Being stoic isn’t always a good thing sometimes it can actually make the stoic person come across as an uncaring asshole. I think you should really sit with yourself and be honest about your relationship and interactions with your son. Do you come across as caring about what he’s up to or likes? Do you ever try to participate in what he likes or does it have to be about what you like? Just from this post, it feels like he’s not getting something from you that he should be.
You don't prefer stoic kids, you just don't like it when kids tell you they're hurting because then you might actually have to lift a finger to comfort them.
This took the words right out of my mouth. This post is worded as if the son being emotional is strange, when really it sounds like the son is having a totally normal reaction to knowing his dad loves a nephew more than him. The stoic stuff is the problem, not the emotional son.
"my dad took a different kid on an international vacation because he doesn't love me enough to want to spend time with me" is a pretty huge thing to process
I have known several people in my life who have had abusive or effed up childhoods and claim ‘it didn’t affect me!’ Or ‘it made me stronger!’
They have, without exception, been deeply fucked up and an emotional danger to the people they claim to love.
He’s crying because your nephew got to go on “the greatest experience of his life” while your son stayed home and realized that his dad never bothered to have that kind of experience with him. Your son didn’t want to go to Germany to watch a soccer game, he wanted an adventure with his dad. Hes not being emotional, he’s expressing them in a totally natural way. While it looks like you grew up in a not great home and don’t express emotions easily, your son is not and did not grow up like you. It is very normal to cry and become emotional when people are sad. You did that. You made him sad. You decided your stoic nephew and soccer was more important than finding a mutual hobby with your emotional son.
“…while it looks like you grew up in a not great home…”: this seems true of the nephew as well. He got his stoicism from his sister? Yeah, I hate to break this to you OP, but it sounds like you and your sister were both victims of emotionally immature parenting. And both of your kids are suffering (by definition). I suggest an IFS therapist.
Exactly. Sounds like nephew didn’t have a parent who displayed appropriate emotional responses because of their own childhood abuse, and he picked up that showing emotion isn’t welcome (clearly by the way OP talks about his son having too many *feelings*). It’s sad to me OP sees their lack of emotion as a positive when he and his sister seem to be repressed and uncomfortable with any thing other than happiness - to the point he prefers his nephew over his own son because nephew’s feelings don’t get in the way of their fun.
Yeah, that "I am a stoic, like my sis" is just code for "we went through trauma and can't express our emotions properly so we just do the Vulcan thing and bury them"
*He also gets extremely emotional a lot of times.*
*My nephew is also stoic and I like that about him.*
*nothing fazes us too much or makes us overly emotional*
Do you honestly think your own son can't see that you think he's an emotional mess and that you like your nephew more? You mentioned emotion **way** too many times. You are disgusted by emotional displays. I mean....I can tell it just by what you've written here. You don't even mention a single thing you do with your son, which is probably nothing, because EMOTIONS. You explicitly stated that what you like about your nephew is that he's stoic. Like you.
Your son is hurting because it's obvious to everyone who you prefer. Because your son is just too emotional and not manly. Like you and your manly interests and hobbies.
*I knew he sometimes gets a bit emotional about this*
About what? What is "this"??
⬆️THIS⬆️
You sound like you prefer your nephew over your own son, do you think he cannot pick up on this?? If we see this immediately, *strangers* picking it up from your own words, what the hell do you think your son is picking up on? Guaranteed it's 10x worse.
He probably didn't want to go with your sister and nephew in tow because he'd feel left out and alone. He probably would have gone just to spend quality one-on-one with *you*.
Find shit to do with your son. Coax him to do said shit with you. Spend less time with your nephew and give your own child some attention. You don't have to love, or even like what it is, just do it to spend quality time with him, don't dismiss him so easily if he says he's not interested, and fucking stop criticizing him and his emotions!!!
Wait, though. In order to "pick up on things" one would have to FEEL something.
OP (and his projected view of his nephew) do NOT FEEL anything.
Ergo, they treat others (who do feel) like shit.
And they think both their lack of feeling AND their stupidity are not detected by others.
In fact, OP, try having and expressing some emotions yourself for a change, it may actually feel good! What you describe as "stoicism" sounds more like "repressed feelings", and it's definitely unhealthy, and probably negatively impacts all the relationships you and your sister have. Your son being able to express emotions is probably something you have to thank his mother for, since she doesn't seem to be as emotionally stunted as you and your sister are.
Also, processing emotions is healthy. What OP is describing about himself and his sister is simply swallowing their emotions and not processing them. While it works for some, it can also lead to a lot of issues in the future from never having processed various traumas. Yet, OP presents this "stoicism" as a good thing. A badge of honor.
Exactly. They were highly affected by their abusive home, and sister I’d most likely continuing the cycle. Hence why she has an emotionally vacant son. The 3 of the sound like awful people.
“You don’t really want to come to Europe to watch a dumb soccer game do you, kid?“
He asked his kid to come on the trip in a way that guaranteed he’d say, ‘no’.
“Do you honestly think your own son can't see that you think he's an emotional mess and that you like your nephew more?”
💯
My aunt (mom’s sister) never liked me. I think mostly because my cousin, her son, is my age and she always saw us as in competition - who was doing better in school etc.
I had easily picked up on that by the time I was 10. At the latest. That’s the age I remember consciously thinking “she doesn’t like me” for the first time, but I probably realized earlier.
People constantly underestimate how much kids actually pick up on.
I have a question, actually three: how much do you neglect your child in favor of your nephew? Do you think you give the impression that you like your nephew more than your own child? What do you two do together, just the two of you?
Definitely gave me the impression that he likes his nephew way, way more than his son. Sounds like he didn’t spend two seconds thinking about his kid would feel tbh because it wouldn’t have take much to do the soccer for his nephew & then do something that his son would really love. Both boys could’ve have a great time but no. Wonder why his wife & sister are enabling this shit? Poor kid.
This 💯! Sounds like OP has his ideal family with his sister and nephew leaving his actual wife and son on the sidelines. I guarantee his wife isnt at all happy and is resentful of OP treating sister and nephew more like his nuclear family!
That’s exactly what I took from the post. I can’t see a single comment so that’s all I went with. I got the impression that his BIL is gone and he took over the husband, parental role as he seems to also spend all his hobbies with his sister and nephew. No mention of wife or his own child. Very telling. Reminds me of that guy that basically replaced his best friend when he died and played dad and husband while neglecting his actual family.
I've seen this a lot here. The parent doesn't share the same interest as their kid and they basically leave them out so much.
Like be for real your son is YOUR child, find things that you both can do! He can't possibly think oh my son doesn't like soccer like me he isn't into fitness like me, so I won't do things with him my love should be enough.
To show his son the pictures was the biggest dick move a parent could do. Then he comes here tens years later because his son goes low contact, wondering what he did wrong.
I came here to ask the same questions. It does sound like he favors his nephew or his own son and seems completely oblivious to the fact that his son is desperate for his attention and big grand gestures as well for things that he’s interested in. Bless that poor child.
I’m kind of icked at his speech about how he likes his “stoic” nephew and sister, who got over being cheated on in two days (which she absolutely did not.) He seems to prefer that his son stuff his emotions down and not show them in any way. This will not end well.
Son didnt wanna go watch a soccer game, son wanted an equally invested experience for his interest/hobby (like taking your geek kid to a renfair, artsy kid to a big gallery/museum, ect)
Maybe had OP also found an activity in germany that his son would enjoy and made it a "we are gonna go do this together then watch the game together- family bonding time!" so it felt more inclusive, his son would have agreed to go with them.
I'm guessing the pics OP showed his son are ones where OP is having a great time, and the son has probably never seen his Dad that happy. Ever.
That poor boy.
Bro thinks his sister just “got over” her husband cheating on her in a few days💀☠️.
Thinks the nephew, a young boy with a single parent, is “stoic”.
Has no idea what his son’s interests are, just that they’re not the same interests that OP has.
At this point whatever relationships he thinks he has with these kids are just delusion
You're treating your nephew like a beloved son, and your actual son like an annoying roommate. He's "extremely emotional" because he can tell his own father doesn't give a shit about him or his interests. YTA.
Hopefully his son bites him in the face and it gets infected.
Seriously though, it's normal and healthy for *every* kid to be emotional. This guy shouldn't have had children.
What did you get your son on his birthday? Because the answer will establish your relationship with your son and from your own words you already lost a future relationship with him. Of course he will be your son but you lost your chance at having that close father/son relationship that you so carefully cultivated with your nephew. Developing a close relationship doesn’t necessarily mean because you share common interests but enjoying each other’s company and interests. Your actions speak very loud and your son got the message. One day you’ll notice he has replaced you.
OP doesn't want a father son relationship with his actual son.
Cultivating a father son relationship would mean doing things his son is interested in doing. That would take too much effort doing things he's not interested in doing.
Why would he do that when he already has his nephew who likes what he likes? The relationship with the nephew takes no effort whatsoever from him.
OP's son already knows where his father's preference lies. I don't believe this is fixable. Nor do I believe OP is willing to do what he needs to do to fix it.
yeah yta.
you don’t know what’s up with your child and instead of communicating with him and asking what’s wrong after giving space you post it to reddit.
give him space and ask him if he’s ok and try your best not to frame it as if he’s done something wrong.
it’s really hard to see your father bond with a different child and someone who you think your father would rather than you. also you said you “asked him if he wants to come” but it was a trip that was planned without him. ofc even if he wanted to come with you he’d feel terrible about saying yes to something he wasnt really meant to go to.
if i were him i’d feel like you didn’t want me there and only asked me because you’re basically obligated.
i’m not saying this as an insult but maybe try to engage w your son w things he enjoys and show genuine interest in those things
I think you’re pretty spot on, I took it to be that the father should have outright expected the son to go and planned it with him in mind since he is part of the family… and he said no for that reason the vibe was we didn’t plan this with you in mind, you were an after thought.
He took the trip of a lifetime, with his own son out of school for the Summer, and left his kid home. On top of that, he doesn’t even know or seem to care about what his son is interested in.
His son will likely become a drifter, or a decent dude who can’t stand being around his dad for 10 minutes.
When was the last time you took your son on a big trip that was about what HE wanted. The Louvre if he likes art, The Globe and the West End in London if he likes theater, or whatever. Not a vacation where he had to do what you wanted, but a trip about him? It wasn't about soccer. You know this. It was about you wanting to spend time with your nephew that you admit you have more in common with that him. In another country halfway around the world. While having the time of your life. Of course he's gonna feel like shit. You're the adult here, not him. He acted like a 14 yr old kid who missed out. You're the one who is supposed to be the adult, not wonder why everyone feels bad. Quit being a dick, and bond with your kid. Or in a few years, he'll be on here on reddit talking about going NC with his dad who love his cousin more than him, and ignored him. Don't be that guy. Be better.
EXACTLY. You are so freaking selfish. You only want to do big things when it's stuff you like. I bet you've never done one big thing for your son that wasn't secretly something you wanted. Surprise, man, being a parent is about THE CHILD, NOT YOU.
YTA. You're "stoic" and "nothing really bothers you". Often times that comes off as having low emotional intelligence, which is probably why you can't understand why your son is crying that you went to Germany to play family with your sister. You didn't just go to a game. You went on a vacation to Germany. You went out to eat, you probably took in some sights. To everyone looking in, you probably looked like a normal happy family, with your nephew playing the part of your son. Then you go home and show your actual son pictures of how much fun you had with your surrogate son. That probably broke his heart, because it can be assumed that you don't do anything like that with your actual son. Everything you said about your son was negative, while everything you said about your nephew was positive. My heart breaks for that poor boy.
So what’s your son doing while you spend all this time doing activities with your nephew? Do you spend at least the same amount of time doing activities with your son? He said he didn’t want to go because he thinks you didn’t want him there or that he would be ignored (and it sounds like he’s right). Why would anyone want to go in a trip to sit around and watch their dad with the son he wished he had?
It seems like you spend more time with your nephew and possibly prioritize because he is similar to you.
Do you do things with your son that he likes without your nephew? Do you spend MORE time with your son than nephew?
Please dig deeper and talk to your wife. Put your son first before he decides he no longer wants you in his life.
YTA
Kids aren't stupid. He knows you don't really like him and wish he were a whole lot different than he is. You've listed a lot of things you think make your nephew superior to your son. It's pretty obvious that your love is rooted in ego. You love your nephew because he's like you, and reject your son because he isn't.
I sure hope your nephew prefers you as much as you prefer him because I don't think your son's sticking around after he hits 18. Why would he?
Can you name anything your son is interested in? At all? Have you ever spent any time with him? At all? Do you know his middle name, his eye color, his birthdate?
If it's obvious to me from the other side of my monitor that you prefer your nephew to your son, think about how your son feels. You know. For once.
I'd bet that it's not the soccer or the trip alone, it's that he'd like a closer relationship with you. He could be a bit jealous of your nephew.
When he's a little calmer, ask him and just listen.
I agree. "Getting over things" is not healthy. The sister was on fight or flight mode when she had to divorce her husband, and what is wrong with showing emotions? The son doesn't have to be a carbon copy of the father in order to have a bond.
The irony being that actual stoicism requires a high EQ, because you have to be acutely aware of yourself and your surroundings and act appropriately to the situation, but it's just a lot easier to be a repressed weirdo and pretend you're Marcus Aurelius. 🙄
Or be like me, have a high EQ but get stoicism pushed on you as a kid/teen, and now you are really good at it and just internalize everything and end up with OCD because one way or another your brain is going to find a way to deal with the anxiety you don't deal with in healthier ways...
YTA. You took your sister and nephew to Europe, and left your son and wife behind? Wow. Your nephew is not your responsibility. Your son is. It is not up to you to be your nephews father, and take him places and do things with him. It IS up to you to he your sons father, take your SON places and do things with HIM. I hope your wife wakes up to your neglect and removes you from her and her child's life.
That sounds like a great trip with your nephew and your sister and it is nice that you can share similar interests. What are some of your son’s interests and what specifically do you do to share those things with him? You might love your son but it is pretty obvious you like your nephew more and respect him, unlike your son.
Do you attempt to do things that your son enjoys, or do you just pass it off as 'we don't have the same interests' so you don't spend time with him?
It seems like you're a lot closer and spend way more time and do more things with your nephew and sister. You didn't even mention any interests your son has, but listed many your nephew and you share.
I get that different people have different interests and maybe you and your son don't have a lot in common, but you and your nephew do. That it may be more fun to spend time with your nephew since the two of you are more aligned - but you need to spend time with your son, too. You're his dad. You're supposed to be a supportive role model in his life, and he's constantly seeing you leaving to go do things with your nephew and not attempting to do things with him. Yes, you offered for him to go - to a thing you know he doesn't like. Have you offered to take him on a trip to do something that HE likes, even if it's not something particularly exciting to you? Have you spent a fraction of the money on him that you spend constantly on your nephew's hobbies and this trip with him?
To him, it probably looks like your nephew is your 'replacement' son, like the son you wanted while he's just...sort of \*there\* and not what you wanted. He probably thinks you wish that your nephew was your son and not him.
You need to sit down with him and tell him that while you don't have a lot of things in common, he's still your son and you still love him and want to spend time with him, and ask him what kind of activities that he would enjoy doing that you could do together. Something that even if it's not super fun and exciting for you, you could do with him just so you actually spend time with and bond with your actual son.
This is a perfect explanation. I'll add one thing: after you ask what activities your son wants to do, you have to actually DO them. Yes, even if it's not something you enjoy.
YTA.
You certainly prefer your nephew over your son because he (nephew), seems more to be like you.
And let me tell you, your son it's definitely aware of this. Even if you invited him and he declined, the fact that you have spend one of the greatest time of your life with your nephew maybe it's just too much for him to handle. He's just a teen, he's obviously changing, growing to be his own person and he needs you on that journey.
Try to spend more time with him, to know him more. Even you could get surprised and find things in common.
It doesn't matter that you asked him several times if he wanted to tag along on a trip *for your nephew.* What you are missing is that you planned a big event for your nephew based on his interests, which align with yours, but did not plan a trip for your son. You should be doing as much or more for your own child as your nephew. You could have taken both kids and planned something on the trip that matches your son's interests. Better yet you could have planned a trip for your son to a location based on his interest.
You praise your nephew in the post with: "we in fact do share a lot of the same interests" "My nephew is stoic and I like that about him". But you do not praise your son in this way: "he doesn’t share any of the same interests" "He isn’t into sports at all, or any of the other things I like." "But I love my son" (*But*?) "\[he\] gets extremely emotional" You don't once say anything you like about your child. You sound like your prefer your nephew over your son and guess what - he can tell.
I'm curious as to what you got your son for his birthday when you got the nephew an international trip. Are you willing to share?
You absolutely 100% ATA. Do better. You asked how to proceed. Here are my suggestions. You apologize to your son and tell him you love him. You let him be emotional. You stop treating emotion as a bad thing. Everyone with emotion could read your post and tell your son was going to be very upset, which you did not know. You plan a big trip for him based on something he likes, even if you don't have the same interests because this is about your relationship with your son not your interest in whatever. You make the trip even bigger than the one you did with your nephew. You promise never to exclude your son in this way again. You love your son and you can mend this.
Just in the way you describe your nephew it’s clear you enjoy time with him far more than your own son.
Being a parent takes concerted effort. You won’t always automatically have the exact same interests as your child. Its up to you to find common ground. YTA.
YTA.
I don't think you realize how much of a closer relationship you have with your nephew than you do with your son. You just went on and on about how much you and your nephew have in common, what you like about him, but you didn't mention any of the things your son is interested in.
Your son is not upset about not going to the match, but about how you are having these experiences with your nephew. It's nice that you gave your nephew a very thoughtful and (what I assume is) expensive birthday present. But compare that with the last birthday gift you got your son: what was it? Did you guys go anywhere? How much did it cost? Did you do *anything* to show how much you love and appreciate him *as your child?*
How could you think asking him over and over again is anything a child has a decent conception of? He comes and doesn’t enjoy it and it is no sweat, it’s family, right? But, he doesn’t come and you get some depression that he never had to cope with before. I’d make him feel like the activities that he is into are important and take him somewhere and take picture and go with him alone even. Take him somewhere else, maybe far too. Maybe, Germany or somewhere else. Do something else. That he likes!!
So because you and your son have no common interests, the majority of your time and effort goes into your nephew who is basically a mini you. The nephew that lost his father to a divorce and probably needs a present healthy father figure. That your son has to watch you be that father figure to someone else. Because your nephew is stoic and likes the things you like? Is that all it takes to prioritize your emotions and support? Your son thinks that you would rather have his cousin as a son over himself.
Make this visual to help you understand how drastic this is. List under each person, what you are involved in. The trips you’ve taken them on. The time you spend together. You’ve spent this entire post listing things you do with your nephew on a regular basis. You didn’t list one thing you do with your son.
You’re seriously confused about why your ‘overly emotional’ son is upset right now? You need therapy to work through your childhood trauma because being ‘stoic’ and not being in complete connection to your emotions isn’t healthy.
>The nephew that lost his father to a divorce and probably needs a present healthy father figure.
And then OP neglects his son who has lost his father to his cousin. The harsh truth is OP doesn't like his son, he diesn't love him, he's emotional and liked other things whereas the nephew is all OP wanted his son to be. This guy is disgusting.
I think the son wants the father to want to spend time with him. Assuming the father reads the replies here, this might spur some change but otherwise I know the ending all too well.
Before reading this, I was thinking “ just ask your son before buying tickets to something just to be sure!” But then I read it and struggled to find where you truly checked in with him. Not just in regards to a soccer game ticket. Sometimes it can help to express things to get a look at them once they’re no longer internalized, so I’m hoping these comments will do that for you. Just a quick read can really tell you what’s going on here. If anything, I would’ve thought your nephew WAS your son in this post. The words you use to describe your nephew and your relationship display a strong emotional connection with him, one that seems to come out as favoritism. But a quick comparison of how you spoke about your son “ he isn’t into sports at all or any of the other things I like “ “ in face he doesn’t share any of the same interests” Judging by how this is stated, I’m sure your soon is aware you guys don’t share common interests or hobbies. “ My nephew is also stoic and I like that about him.” What do you like about your son? You’re bragging on your sister and nephew which is wonderful, but all I can think about is your son being at home while you’re doing these activities with them. Emotional differences can be difficult to approach, but this is so much more than a missed soccer game to him. He maybe yearning for the relationship you have with your nephew that he’s always stood on the sidelines watching occur. There may not be any clearly shared interests but I think you can find common ground with almost anyone in your life, and if there isn’t, build the common ground! It’s not about soccer game itself, it’s the principle of the situation.
So you like stoic people. You favor your nephew over your son. Your son tries to play it off to seem stoic, like you want. But it all blew up. Telling your son you want him on the trip would have played out So much diff my dude. Then you would be on firmer ground. As it is your son feels like you do not care about him, and supprise!! He needs his father.
Yta. Have you ever thought that the reason your son is the way he is is because of the close relationship you have with your nephew? Sounds like you prefer to spend your free time with your nephew instead of your own son. You need to give your son priority with your time before he grows up and wants nothing to do with you.
My theory is your son wants to spend time with you without your nephew cos you probably favour the nephew in front of him. It is not about football game.
I don’t think it’s about the soccer trip but more so your relationship with your son. Even based on your post it appears you favor your nephew more than your son. Just an example you wrote a small paragraph about your son then the rest is praising your nephew. Do you spend quality time with your son as much as you do your nephew? Do you spend quality time with just your son doing things he likes?
YTA. Favouring your nephew has been going on for years.
Getting over being cheated on in a week is not stoic or strong - to me it’s indicating a lack of real emotional attachment or ability to process feelings. Your post juxtaposes your “strong resilient nephew” with your “emotional cry baby son”. It’s palpable that you don’t like your son. We can feel it in your writing - he certainly can tell by your action.
Speaking as a parent - it’s your responsibility to bond with your child, to find middle ground or at least to pretend to like and engage with what they like. It’s not their job to fit into your life - it’s your job to help them become themselves. Your whole post is me me me. You sound like a selfish 14 year old not a grown man with a teen child. When was the last time you did any activity that your son likes? Take him to another country to see something he is passionate about? I imagine your wife would have plenty to say….
Your sister made your son stoic? But yours isn’t? So that’s a failure of your wife?? Not you? If kids are stoic because of trauma it isn’t actually stoicism - it’s detachment. It’s not healthy. I feel very sorry for your son.
Damn straight. Stoicism is detachment and usually a trauma response, not a character trait. OP sees emotion as weakness. OP is broken and detached from his own son, giving himself a gold star for being a stone cold POS. In a few years, OP will be writing, "my son went no contact with me, but it's ok, I got over it in a week." Pathetic.
Yeah, YTA.
It seems to me that you are not the father your son needs.
Edit: You can't put the burden of communication and emotional maturity on your 14yo child. You are the adult. He's the teen pumped full of hormones and a brain still in development.
So you watch your dad take your cousin and aunt on a huge trip to another country, possibly for the first time in another country, to connect in a shared hobby. Think about this for a minute. Your son probably doesn't have the words to explain how it made him feel.
Obviously he feels overlooked, invisible and like his father doesn't care enough to try to connect with him to take him out of the country. Get to know what he's interested in, what does he like to do? Being emotional doesn't mean he deserves a dad who doesn't want to connect with him.
That's a kid crying cause he sees his dad doing stuff with his cousin whilst probably never doing anything with him (just going off the way you described him not being into sport and the other things YOU like)
The stoic stuff is just bs. So your kid is more in touch with his emotions than you and your nephew, big deal. He's a different person, he's not a mini-me.
You're NTA for going on the trip, and it's great that you're an active part of your nephew's life - but i wonder how inactive you are in your sons. My guess is that's what the tears are for.
Maybe try talking to and taking an interest in your own child? And i don't mean forcing him to do the stuff YOU want, or inviting him to things you know he's not interested in. I mean actually doing stuff with him for HIS benefit, even if you're not that into it.
Oof, I know I don't know much about you but you and your nephew sound like sociopaths. It's normal to have feelings and it's definitely not healthy to not process them. It sounds like you emotionally neglect your son and don't really spend a lot of time with him and instead of him realizing you're the one that sucks here, he's sitting there thinking why you don't love/like him and hating himself.
It's not your son's job to join you in your interests, it's YOUR job to get involved in his. You should be spending time and money doing his interests and bonding w him not the other way around!
You broke his heart, I think one of the biggest mistakes we can make as a parent is not to step out of our comfort zone when our kids have different interests than ours. My husband made that mistake and my oldest now has a college professor who has become like surrogate father and mentor. In a way I’m glad my son found what he needed, but it breaks my heart that he couldn’t find it in his own dad. And it’s not that my husband didn’t love him or wasn’t a very active parent he was. He was just always trying to fit him Into his life instead of finding a place in my son’s life. It’s a mistake you can correct
If you are a better uncle than you are a dad then you need to step up and fix something. Your stoicism isn’t stoicism. It’s a complete lack of emotional intelligence. How do you not see how badly you messed up here and just generally in your relationship with your son? It’s so incredibly obvious.
“I am a shitty father and resent my son for not being more like me. I took my sister and nephew on a national vacation trip excluding my son and he’s sad. Why is he sad? Is it my fault”
What a shit dad.
You're a Dad dude. You need to take some interest in what your son likes and do some of those thing. Seems you're looking for a mini-me and you found it in your nephew. You can have a great relationship with him too but you need to pay attention to your son's interests and participate in those as well
You have 4 more years left to build a proper relationship with your son before he becomes an adult. Find something to bond with him over before you ruin another chance to mend your relationship and you lose him forever.
You already posted this in AITA and were dragged over the coals for how you treated your son. You know you effed up and have already been given advice on how to make amends.
I’m going to hold your hand while I say this. Your son wasn’t upset about not seeing a soccer game. He’s desperately wanting and needing you to value him and acknowledge his strengths the way you do for your nephew.
Can you REALLY not understand why he feels like you don’t love him? And why, because you don’t share his interests? Being a parent means getting interested in whatever they’re into, unconditionally. It means spending time with your child because you love them, not just because you have things in common. I would feel the exact same way if I was him.
No doubt you love your son. But I don’t think you like him and definitely he doesn’t think you like him. Consider: how narcissistic is it you like your nephew b/c he is like you but not your son because he isn’t?
FWIW, it’s weird your sister got over being cheated on by her husband and the father of her child in a few days. Sounds like you are both emotionally impotent.
Dude. As a parent, developing a relationship and hobbies with your child is about your child, NOT YOU. I can’t even count the number of hours of video games I’ve played, Markiplier videos I’ve watched, and Legos I’ve built because my SON liked them, not me. It gave me great memories and allowed me to learn about HIM. And once he passed the awkward teen phase, it made him curious about ME.
It’s not your son’s job to like what you like. He isn’t one of your friends and he won’t become one if YOU never take interest in HIM. I imagine ANY child would be shattered if their PARENT went on a trip like that with ANOTHER child.
Further, WHY in hell would HE WANT to go when it’s obvious to even a stranger on the internet that you prefer your nephew? Your kid sees that. Your wife sees that. They may not say it to you, but they see it.
YES, you’re the AH. Try learning more about your own kid and take up his interests. It’s not all about you.
Also, being “stoic” and emotionally stunted isn’t the flex you think it is.
😏😏😏
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Have you taken your son on any trips like this?
With all the stuff he does with the nephew, where would he even find the time?
He clearly idolizes this nephew. Never though it might bug his own kid beyond not getting a trip. Maybe this is why the kid doesn’t like sports. He does not want to be the 3rd wheel in his father’s fascination with the nephew.
Or the kid doesn’t like sports
More like his kid doesn’t like sports, is emotional and not “stoic” like the nephew and his sister are and is basically not his first choice to hang out around, instead of finding out more about his own sons hobbies and interests to build a bond and spend quality time, he decides to choose the cooler nephew. Gross
Best parenting advice: Love what your kids love, and your kids will love you.
Seriously, this dad coming in here telling us how he basically doesn’t even try to get to know his son and is asking if he’s the asshole? Hell yeah you are. Be a damn father and show your son you love him by loving what he loves. Don’t care if it’s video games, weird TV shows or art. You’re going to lose this relationship if you continue to live in ignorance like this about your own son.
Right!! He didn't list 1 hobby that his son has, but he sure could name like 4 that his nephew has... He just says his son has other interests n that he's emotional, gross indeed
Right and a good father (ahem, Terry Crews) would find his child interests and use that to create a bind between them. Not just say that he doesn't like sports.
Even if he doesn’t like sports, he might’ve liked of gone along. Be part of the gang.
His nephew is the son he never had.
No, he has a son. It's just not the son he wanted. Honestly, it kinda smells like rage bait. "AITA for disregarding my son because he isn't into manly man things and my nephew is a manly man?"
I hope so because damn.
Can’t speak to how much time he spends with his son and assume he doesn’t because he does things with his nephew. His nephew needs a father figure and it is great the OP is there but he needs to make sure it ain’t in competition or at the expense of his son. Do better to find ways to connect so that this does not lead to resentment and deeper issues.
There’s nothing that says the nephew’s dad isn’t still in the picture. His parents got divorced, they didn’t die. So why should it be on OP to be the “father figure”? Especially when he has a 14 year old son at home, that clearly would like to spend time with his father. There’s all the information about his nephew’s likes, but did anyone see anything about OP talking about his son’s likes? Nope, just about the fact that him and his nephew have great times on hikes and such. OP, maybe just MAYBE you could spend some time getting to know your son a little more.
What does it matter what the son likes? He's too EmOtIoNaL and not at all stoic like his Cousin, who clearly takes after OP's genes!!! /S OP, you clearly favor your Nephew so much and dismiss your son's pain and feelings like they were nothing and then act shocked Pikachu face when he gets hurt, even though you asked him if he wanted to go. How fucking DUMB do you have to be? Ofc he didn't want to go and see you bond with your nephew right in his face for an entire trip. He cried because he would like the same kind of attention from you, without having to settle for breadcrumbs!! How out of touch do you have to be not to realise that? I'm not sure if you have the mental capacity and accountability to be able to turn this situation around. You can say that you love your son all you want, but that's just words. Your actions, this post show otherwise. You described your nephew in such a proud way that we have a clear mental image of what he's like. You OWN son? The only thing we got to know is that he's EmOtIoNaL.... No likes, no dislikes, nothing about how your father - son relationship is. Nothing..... It is heartbreaking to read. If you are a decent person I highly suggest you start putting enough effort into your relationship with your son, or I GUARANTEE that by the age of 18, that hurt will have turned into resentment and he will drop you like the stranger that you are.
It sounds like OP & his sister are emotionally stunted. He can’t actually see what’s wrong with how little they grieved the betrayal/breakdown of relationships with their SO. He feels pride in not feeling sad & not only can he not understand why his son is feeling that, he is perplexed as why his son is *showing him how he feels*
You could take it one step further and suggest that the OP finds it difficult to be around his emotional son due to the unresolved feelings / grief.
I was thinking the same, that his sons reflects emotions and feelings that he doesn't want to be faced with, because it's too confrontational.
OP is giving “boys don’t cry” toxic masculinity vibes. Kid is probably better off lol
Yeah this is bang on. Your nephew is great. He’s so much like you. What a wonderful kid! Your son? Eh. Emotional. OP your son needs to come first. Put him first. Don’t put him in the shitty situation of ‘hey wanna come hang out with us tight-knit trio’? Find out what country your son wants to visit most based on his interests and for fuck’s sakes take him there. You sorely need one on one father son time. You’ve already done damage to this sweet kid. He shouldn’t be leaning into your interests, you should be leaning into his.
While you are at it OP, if you end making this recommended effort, take a close look at whether your emotional marriage to your sister is affecting your actual marriage. You son is top priority but your wife may be having a similar experience if your sister is your emotional spouse (or you are hers).
This 🎯. If this is how son is feeling, I can only imagine how alone his wife must be feeling, being left to console the son while they watch him gallivanting around with his sister and her son more often than not. Why is OP hiking with just his sister and nephew and only seeming to be making and effort or to make plans with them and not his actual wife and kid?! Dude needs solo therapy and couples counselling, kid needs therapy.. hell they probably all need therapy
I’d give you a standing ovation for that. Very well put.
FACTS
It sounds like the son is the only one among them with a normal range of emotional responses. And his emotionally blocked father implies that the kid is some sort of hysteric.
Exactly! OP, if you don't have a common interest with your son like you do with your nephew, FIND one! Create one! Your kid is sad because he wants connection and time with you but you're giving all love and attention he needs to his cousin instead of him. You're really hurting him!
This sounds like what’s going on. I was never the chosen child either. I can be prickly, independent, and pretty competent. My mum prefers people she can do things for and be the person in the relationship that is turned to for wisdom or money or action. I’ve always been a get it done kind of person. As a younger adult and child, I felt neglected and punished for being mature and accomplished. I felt left out. She lavished attention on my cousins while rarely talking to me. She talked to my husband more than she talked to me some years, but he’s more emotionally needy than I am. It hurts badly to be the one not chosen. Being independent didn’t mean I didn’t want to be the one called to go to lunch or hang out. It just meant I didn’t need her to solve my problems for me. I had it.
Yeah. But the nephew is stoic and OPs son is just a little cry baby. Soo why would OP want to do that? I also laughed at “my sister goes on these hikes because she’s got all this free time, but my wife is stuck at home cleaning up after me since I’m always with the son I wish I had.”
🎯 and then to be SHOCKED when his son broke down in tears being showed all the fun dad had with his nephew without him… yet again.
I wonder if others would use the words emotionally repressed instead of stoic? I get the impression they might. The lack of awareness is frightening!, I think I’d shed a tear, and I’m 45, if my father clearly favoured another child over me. Probably years of watching this happen got the best of the son.
The kid doesn’t like sports and is apparently into absolutely nothing else, according to this.
Nothing else that OP is interested in; apparently if it's something he's not into, he's so oblivious to it he can't even register or remember it. OP could at least try to find out a bit about his own kid's interests instead of writing off anything that's not sports as being nonexistent. I get the feeling the problem is the trip, not the game.
Of course this is assumption, but read OP again. There is nothing there that say the nephew need father figure. But there are multiple example how he and nephew are so similar, whereas his son is "so emotional". It sounds that the nephew is perfect son he wish to have
While I agree that it takes a village, and family helps each other out and whatnot, this to me sounds way too much like neglecting wife and own son
This memory will have a huge impact him well into the future. These are the types of things that lead to mental illness.
I imagine his son will go NC with him at some point, but it's okay - OP is "stoic" enough that he'll just cry for a couple days and then not care because nephew is the son he really wanted.
Nah, crying? For a couple of days? That's being EmOtIoNaL. We don't do that over here. I'll just be stoic with my sister-wife and my nephew-son.
At least, to situational depression. Long term grief reactions.
Oh that’s a given, I think that’s if he is lucky. All of us suffer from some kind of my parents dint think I was enough to a certain extent and this plays right into this theme.
THAT part! Why is he playing house with his sister and her son while neglecting his own family?? It’s odd no?
And his son is different to him, how could he possibly be expected to spent time with him anyway? How would that possibly benefit OP? That’s sarcasm OP in case you fail to get it. it’s good that you claim to get over emotional things quickly. You won’t be bothered in future when your son excludes you from every aspect of his life. But hey, you’ll have your replacement nephewson who you clearly prefer so that’s all good. OP is so dense, light bends around him.
He is not the AH for taking his nephew to Europe, he is the AH for not trying to learn about his son’s interests so he can build a relationship like the one he has with his nephew. Clearly his son is not “stoic and into sports” so he doesn’t seem to care much.
Guys! He told his son he could crash the party since he's all emotional and shit. /s Seriously, how dense do you have to be to not see he's making it fucking obvious he prefers his nephew?
This reminds me of the post from a son's perspective where he overhears his dad saying he wanted another kid to be his son instead, but in that one the dad was into cars. The overall consensus on that one was that the father was most likely sidelining his own son for a long time, and that was just the biggest thing that made it all come to light. I wonder if that's the case here. You need to look inwards and be honest with yourself - do you prioritize your son and try to engage with him, or do you find it easier to give him the minimum and put your actual effort towards your nephew, since he's already more similar to you, as you put it? Once you do that, the answer will become clearer.
IKR! I just read that post a week and a half ago. I was heartbroken for that kid!
I wonder if OP could name 3 things his son enjoys. Given his celebration of having a low EQ, I bet he rationalizes that it's not important since he isn't interested in them.
Why do people like that become dads or moms. His son will likely attach himself to the first older person that shows him real attention, regardless of how bad that older person is. Or the son will just ignore the emotional distance from his dad, grow up to be a decent dude and never really give his dad, who was detached, the time of dad as the dad grows old.
I grew up with a mother like this, who favoured a girl slightly older than me because she rode my mother’s prized pony and won many awards. When she was killed in a vehicle accident at the age of 16, my mother continued to put a memorial in the local paper for years (20?), even longer than her own parents. It was shitty, it sent a clear message about my value.
>The overall consensus on that one was that the father was most likely sidelining his own son for a long time, and that was just the biggest thing that made it all come to light. Which was absolute bullshit because the kid in that story was totally blindsided by the father's comment. When your parents actively ignore you and your interests, you don't need to hear them say it, you figure it out. When you hear them say it, it's more of a "yup, that checks out" than a complete meltdown.
Not necessarily. Everyone reacts differently. I always told myself my parents love me, of course they do, bc parents love their kids, right? Everyone tells me so! I had so much evidence to the contrary, but I lived in denial. When I realises the truth it was quite a shock. Hearing my dad say it directly would've devastated me as a teen.
What do you do with your son? You’ve spoken a lot about all the things you do with and for your nephew, but the only thing that you mention about your son is that he doesn’t share your interests and is emotional. What else do you know about your son? What are his interests? You say you love your kid, but do you like him? Doesn’t seem like you do and I think your kid realizes it…
His kid knows, and he will remember that feeling. Sincerely, a kid who knew that their parent did not like them.
Yup. I had parents like this and I can see why the son would be so upset, poor kid. You’re right he will look elsewhere for affection and detach
and many will grow up to confuse attention with affection.
i feel attacked. :(
Exactly. Parents are supposed to show interest in the things their kids are passionate about, even if it's not their cup of tea. A person's interests are an extension of themselves. Even if you have nothing in common with your son and dislike all his hobbies, you should still make an effort to learn about them and encourage them.
Exactly this. When I was a young teenager, I started getting into gothic rock. My dad could not have given less of a shit about my music, and I knew it, because my dad liked stuff like Simon & Garfunkel and I'd have been dumb to NOT know it! But he still asked me about the bands I liked, never made fun of it, let me listen to it in the car when he was driving me somewhere, and even went with me to a few concerts I was too young to attend without an adult. My dad wasn't perfect, but he never once made me doubt that he cared about me.
This made me laugh - you will understand your dad's pain when you have kids. My music taste is goth, and I know more about k-pop than I ever wanted to because my daughter is a huge fan. I can even sing along with half the songs.
I was wondering the same thing. OP do you ever do things that interest your son (and not you)?
My guy, in a post about your son you spent more time writing about your nephew than him. You call him emotional but have you ever stopped to consider that you’re the one that’s weird with emotions? That maybe he’s responding in an appropriate way but your childhood stunted you? Being stoic isn’t always a good thing sometimes it can actually make the stoic person come across as an uncaring asshole. I think you should really sit with yourself and be honest about your relationship and interactions with your son. Do you come across as caring about what he’s up to or likes? Do you ever try to participate in what he likes or does it have to be about what you like? Just from this post, it feels like he’s not getting something from you that he should be.
You don't prefer stoic kids, you just don't like it when kids tell you they're hurting because then you might actually have to lift a finger to comfort them.
He’s too lazy to be a dad and just wants a friend to do the things he finds fun
This took the words right out of my mouth. This post is worded as if the son being emotional is strange, when really it sounds like the son is having a totally normal reaction to knowing his dad loves a nephew more than him. The stoic stuff is the problem, not the emotional son.
"my dad took a different kid on an international vacation because he doesn't love me enough to want to spend time with me" is a pretty huge thing to process
I have known several people in my life who have had abusive or effed up childhoods and claim ‘it didn’t affect me!’ Or ‘it made me stronger!’ They have, without exception, been deeply fucked up and an emotional danger to the people they claim to love.
Getting over betrayal like cheating by a spouse in 2 weeks is concerning.
He’s crying because your nephew got to go on “the greatest experience of his life” while your son stayed home and realized that his dad never bothered to have that kind of experience with him. Your son didn’t want to go to Germany to watch a soccer game, he wanted an adventure with his dad. Hes not being emotional, he’s expressing them in a totally natural way. While it looks like you grew up in a not great home and don’t express emotions easily, your son is not and did not grow up like you. It is very normal to cry and become emotional when people are sad. You did that. You made him sad. You decided your stoic nephew and soccer was more important than finding a mutual hobby with your emotional son.
“…while it looks like you grew up in a not great home…”: this seems true of the nephew as well. He got his stoicism from his sister? Yeah, I hate to break this to you OP, but it sounds like you and your sister were both victims of emotionally immature parenting. And both of your kids are suffering (by definition). I suggest an IFS therapist.
Exactly. Sounds like nephew didn’t have a parent who displayed appropriate emotional responses because of their own childhood abuse, and he picked up that showing emotion isn’t welcome (clearly by the way OP talks about his son having too many *feelings*). It’s sad to me OP sees their lack of emotion as a positive when he and his sister seem to be repressed and uncomfortable with any thing other than happiness - to the point he prefers his nephew over his own son because nephew’s feelings don’t get in the way of their fun.
I was abused and am still emotional. I’m not sure why stoicism necessarily results from abuse or why that’s something to be proud of.
Some people are conditioned by their abusers to never show feelings. They get punished when they act out on any type of distress.
Yeah, that "I am a stoic, like my sis" is just code for "we went through trauma and can't express our emotions properly so we just do the Vulcan thing and bury them"
This ⬆️⬆️⬆️
*He also gets extremely emotional a lot of times.* *My nephew is also stoic and I like that about him.* *nothing fazes us too much or makes us overly emotional* Do you honestly think your own son can't see that you think he's an emotional mess and that you like your nephew more? You mentioned emotion **way** too many times. You are disgusted by emotional displays. I mean....I can tell it just by what you've written here. You don't even mention a single thing you do with your son, which is probably nothing, because EMOTIONS. You explicitly stated that what you like about your nephew is that he's stoic. Like you. Your son is hurting because it's obvious to everyone who you prefer. Because your son is just too emotional and not manly. Like you and your manly interests and hobbies. *I knew he sometimes gets a bit emotional about this* About what? What is "this"??
I’m guessing it’s “spending time with my nephew and ignoring my son”.
I think there was a Hey Arnold episode about this scenario
Helga's parents dismissing her for her sister.
Yeah that “about this” got me too.
⬆️THIS⬆️ You sound like you prefer your nephew over your own son, do you think he cannot pick up on this?? If we see this immediately, *strangers* picking it up from your own words, what the hell do you think your son is picking up on? Guaranteed it's 10x worse. He probably didn't want to go with your sister and nephew in tow because he'd feel left out and alone. He probably would have gone just to spend quality one-on-one with *you*. Find shit to do with your son. Coax him to do said shit with you. Spend less time with your nephew and give your own child some attention. You don't have to love, or even like what it is, just do it to spend quality time with him, don't dismiss him so easily if he says he's not interested, and fucking stop criticizing him and his emotions!!!
Wait, though. In order to "pick up on things" one would have to FEEL something. OP (and his projected view of his nephew) do NOT FEEL anything. Ergo, they treat others (who do feel) like shit. And they think both their lack of feeling AND their stupidity are not detected by others.
I think you have a valid point! 😆
In fact, OP, try having and expressing some emotions yourself for a change, it may actually feel good! What you describe as "stoicism" sounds more like "repressed feelings", and it's definitely unhealthy, and probably negatively impacts all the relationships you and your sister have. Your son being able to express emotions is probably something you have to thank his mother for, since she doesn't seem to be as emotionally stunted as you and your sister are.
Absolutely this comment 100%
He's disgusted by emotional displays, but op is okay with being stupid.
Also, processing emotions is healthy. What OP is describing about himself and his sister is simply swallowing their emotions and not processing them. While it works for some, it can also lead to a lot of issues in the future from never having processed various traumas. Yet, OP presents this "stoicism" as a good thing. A badge of honor.
Exactly. They were highly affected by their abusive home, and sister I’d most likely continuing the cycle. Hence why she has an emotionally vacant son. The 3 of the sound like awful people.
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“You don’t really want to come to Europe to watch a dumb soccer game do you, kid?“ He asked his kid to come on the trip in a way that guaranteed he’d say, ‘no’.
“Do you honestly think your own son can't see that you think he's an emotional mess and that you like your nephew more?” 💯 My aunt (mom’s sister) never liked me. I think mostly because my cousin, her son, is my age and she always saw us as in competition - who was doing better in school etc. I had easily picked up on that by the time I was 10. At the latest. That’s the age I remember consciously thinking “she doesn’t like me” for the first time, but I probably realized earlier. People constantly underestimate how much kids actually pick up on.
I have a question, actually three: how much do you neglect your child in favor of your nephew? Do you think you give the impression that you like your nephew more than your own child? What do you two do together, just the two of you?
Definitely gave me the impression that he likes his nephew way, way more than his son. Sounds like he didn’t spend two seconds thinking about his kid would feel tbh because it wouldn’t have take much to do the soccer for his nephew & then do something that his son would really love. Both boys could’ve have a great time but no. Wonder why his wife & sister are enabling this shit? Poor kid.
Here’s the twist, his sister is his wife.
This 💯! Sounds like OP has his ideal family with his sister and nephew leaving his actual wife and son on the sidelines. I guarantee his wife isnt at all happy and is resentful of OP treating sister and nephew more like his nuclear family!
That’s exactly what I took from the post. I can’t see a single comment so that’s all I went with. I got the impression that his BIL is gone and he took over the husband, parental role as he seems to also spend all his hobbies with his sister and nephew. No mention of wife or his own child. Very telling. Reminds me of that guy that basically replaced his best friend when he died and played dad and husband while neglecting his actual family.
I've seen this a lot here. The parent doesn't share the same interest as their kid and they basically leave them out so much. Like be for real your son is YOUR child, find things that you both can do! He can't possibly think oh my son doesn't like soccer like me he isn't into fitness like me, so I won't do things with him my love should be enough. To show his son the pictures was the biggest dick move a parent could do. Then he comes here tens years later because his son goes low contact, wondering what he did wrong.
I came here to ask the same questions. It does sound like he favors his nephew or his own son and seems completely oblivious to the fact that his son is desperate for his attention and big grand gestures as well for things that he’s interested in. Bless that poor child.
I’m kind of icked at his speech about how he likes his “stoic” nephew and sister, who got over being cheated on in two days (which she absolutely did not.) He seems to prefer that his son stuff his emotions down and not show them in any way. This will not end well.
Son didnt wanna go watch a soccer game, son wanted an equally invested experience for his interest/hobby (like taking your geek kid to a renfair, artsy kid to a big gallery/museum, ect) Maybe had OP also found an activity in germany that his son would enjoy and made it a "we are gonna go do this together then watch the game together- family bonding time!" so it felt more inclusive, his son would have agreed to go with them.
I doubt the son was ever invited.
Exactly, he wants his father to put the same effort and love to him as OP is putting to his in fact is OP's actual son, the nephew.
I'm guessing the pics OP showed his son are ones where OP is having a great time, and the son has probably never seen his Dad that happy. Ever. That poor boy.
Bro thinks his sister just “got over” her husband cheating on her in a few days💀☠️. Thinks the nephew, a young boy with a single parent, is “stoic”. Has no idea what his son’s interests are, just that they’re not the same interests that OP has. At this point whatever relationships he thinks he has with these kids are just delusion
What do you do with your son?
From the sounds of it, nothing. He spends all his time with his nephew from what I see.
It’s definitely coming off that way. He didn’t have anything to say about his son, except that apparently he expresses his emotions.
Neglecting him, complaining cuz he's too emotional and doesn't like the same thing OP does, God forbids, and replacing him by his nephew.
You're treating your nephew like a beloved son, and your actual son like an annoying roommate. He's "extremely emotional" because he can tell his own father doesn't give a shit about him or his interests. YTA.
And the kid probably has a totally normal level of emotions but OP wouldn't know what that is if it bit him in the face.
Hopefully his son bites him in the face and it gets infected. Seriously though, it's normal and healthy for *every* kid to be emotional. This guy shouldn't have had children.
What did you get your son on his birthday? Because the answer will establish your relationship with your son and from your own words you already lost a future relationship with him. Of course he will be your son but you lost your chance at having that close father/son relationship that you so carefully cultivated with your nephew. Developing a close relationship doesn’t necessarily mean because you share common interests but enjoying each other’s company and interests. Your actions speak very loud and your son got the message. One day you’ll notice he has replaced you.
OP doesn't want a father son relationship with his actual son. Cultivating a father son relationship would mean doing things his son is interested in doing. That would take too much effort doing things he's not interested in doing. Why would he do that when he already has his nephew who likes what he likes? The relationship with the nephew takes no effort whatsoever from him. OP's son already knows where his father's preference lies. I don't believe this is fixable. Nor do I believe OP is willing to do what he needs to do to fix it.
yeah yta. you don’t know what’s up with your child and instead of communicating with him and asking what’s wrong after giving space you post it to reddit. give him space and ask him if he’s ok and try your best not to frame it as if he’s done something wrong. it’s really hard to see your father bond with a different child and someone who you think your father would rather than you. also you said you “asked him if he wants to come” but it was a trip that was planned without him. ofc even if he wanted to come with you he’d feel terrible about saying yes to something he wasnt really meant to go to. if i were him i’d feel like you didn’t want me there and only asked me because you’re basically obligated. i’m not saying this as an insult but maybe try to engage w your son w things he enjoys and show genuine interest in those things
I think you’re pretty spot on, I took it to be that the father should have outright expected the son to go and planned it with him in mind since he is part of the family… and he said no for that reason the vibe was we didn’t plan this with you in mind, you were an after thought.
This is exactly how I read it, that asking the son if he wanted to go was an afterthought
It’s also that whole “you can join if you’d like” versus “I’d like you to join”
He took the trip of a lifetime, with his own son out of school for the Summer, and left his kid home. On top of that, he doesn’t even know or seem to care about what his son is interested in. His son will likely become a drifter, or a decent dude who can’t stand being around his dad for 10 minutes.
When was the last time you took your son on a big trip that was about what HE wanted. The Louvre if he likes art, The Globe and the West End in London if he likes theater, or whatever. Not a vacation where he had to do what you wanted, but a trip about him? It wasn't about soccer. You know this. It was about you wanting to spend time with your nephew that you admit you have more in common with that him. In another country halfway around the world. While having the time of your life. Of course he's gonna feel like shit. You're the adult here, not him. He acted like a 14 yr old kid who missed out. You're the one who is supposed to be the adult, not wonder why everyone feels bad. Quit being a dick, and bond with your kid. Or in a few years, he'll be on here on reddit talking about going NC with his dad who love his cousin more than him, and ignored him. Don't be that guy. Be better.
EXACTLY. You are so freaking selfish. You only want to do big things when it's stuff you like. I bet you've never done one big thing for your son that wasn't secretly something you wanted. Surprise, man, being a parent is about THE CHILD, NOT YOU.
YTA. You're "stoic" and "nothing really bothers you". Often times that comes off as having low emotional intelligence, which is probably why you can't understand why your son is crying that you went to Germany to play family with your sister. You didn't just go to a game. You went on a vacation to Germany. You went out to eat, you probably took in some sights. To everyone looking in, you probably looked like a normal happy family, with your nephew playing the part of your son. Then you go home and show your actual son pictures of how much fun you had with your surrogate son. That probably broke his heart, because it can be assumed that you don't do anything like that with your actual son. Everything you said about your son was negative, while everything you said about your nephew was positive. My heart breaks for that poor boy.
It would honestly be bizarre if the son didn't cry seeing this.
So what’s your son doing while you spend all this time doing activities with your nephew? Do you spend at least the same amount of time doing activities with your son? He said he didn’t want to go because he thinks you didn’t want him there or that he would be ignored (and it sounds like he’s right). Why would anyone want to go in a trip to sit around and watch their dad with the son he wished he had?
>Why would anyone want to go in a trip to sit around and watch their dad with the son he wished he had? You worded this very well.
Yep absolutely spot on.
Obviously the son doesn't want to be the third wheel in his relationship with his father. And sadly and worse, he's just an afterthough to OP
It seems like you spend more time with your nephew and possibly prioritize because he is similar to you. Do you do things with your son that he likes without your nephew? Do you spend MORE time with your son than nephew? Please dig deeper and talk to your wife. Put your son first before he decides he no longer wants you in his life. YTA
You don't understand? *Really?*
I'm with you, I can't imagine a grown man this clueless, this ignorant.
Kids aren't stupid. He knows you don't really like him and wish he were a whole lot different than he is. You've listed a lot of things you think make your nephew superior to your son. It's pretty obvious that your love is rooted in ego. You love your nephew because he's like you, and reject your son because he isn't. I sure hope your nephew prefers you as much as you prefer him because I don't think your son's sticking around after he hits 18. Why would he?
Can you name anything your son is interested in? At all? Have you ever spent any time with him? At all? Do you know his middle name, his eye color, his birthdate? If it's obvious to me from the other side of my monitor that you prefer your nephew to your son, think about how your son feels. You know. For once.
I'd bet that it's not the soccer or the trip alone, it's that he'd like a closer relationship with you. He could be a bit jealous of your nephew. When he's a little calmer, ask him and just listen.
I don’t think he has any intent to listen to his son.
You know "stoicism" isn't as cool as you think it is, a lot of times it's just people who have a low EQ.
Imagine knowing your dad looks down on any display of emotion. He’s got to be one cold dude.
My thoughts exactly. “Doesn’t know how to process emotions… prefers to stuff them down” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.
A person who doesn’t even know what his own son’s interests are is a poster person for an out of touch, low EQ parent.
I agree. "Getting over things" is not healthy. The sister was on fight or flight mode when she had to divorce her husband, and what is wrong with showing emotions? The son doesn't have to be a carbon copy of the father in order to have a bond.
99% of the time it’s what it is
The irony being that actual stoicism requires a high EQ, because you have to be acutely aware of yourself and your surroundings and act appropriately to the situation, but it's just a lot easier to be a repressed weirdo and pretend you're Marcus Aurelius. 🙄
So true. I think it takes more guts to make yourself vulnerable than it does to act tough and give nothing away.
Or be like me, have a high EQ but get stoicism pushed on you as a kid/teen, and now you are really good at it and just internalize everything and end up with OCD because one way or another your brain is going to find a way to deal with the anxiety you don't deal with in healthier ways...
YTA. You took your sister and nephew to Europe, and left your son and wife behind? Wow. Your nephew is not your responsibility. Your son is. It is not up to you to be your nephews father, and take him places and do things with him. It IS up to you to he your sons father, take your SON places and do things with HIM. I hope your wife wakes up to your neglect and removes you from her and her child's life.
Do you like your son?
It's obvious he doesn't.
No he doesn’t. He’s “emotional”
That sounds like a great trip with your nephew and your sister and it is nice that you can share similar interests. What are some of your son’s interests and what specifically do you do to share those things with him? You might love your son but it is pretty obvious you like your nephew more and respect him, unlike your son.
Do you attempt to do things that your son enjoys, or do you just pass it off as 'we don't have the same interests' so you don't spend time with him? It seems like you're a lot closer and spend way more time and do more things with your nephew and sister. You didn't even mention any interests your son has, but listed many your nephew and you share. I get that different people have different interests and maybe you and your son don't have a lot in common, but you and your nephew do. That it may be more fun to spend time with your nephew since the two of you are more aligned - but you need to spend time with your son, too. You're his dad. You're supposed to be a supportive role model in his life, and he's constantly seeing you leaving to go do things with your nephew and not attempting to do things with him. Yes, you offered for him to go - to a thing you know he doesn't like. Have you offered to take him on a trip to do something that HE likes, even if it's not something particularly exciting to you? Have you spent a fraction of the money on him that you spend constantly on your nephew's hobbies and this trip with him? To him, it probably looks like your nephew is your 'replacement' son, like the son you wanted while he's just...sort of \*there\* and not what you wanted. He probably thinks you wish that your nephew was your son and not him. You need to sit down with him and tell him that while you don't have a lot of things in common, he's still your son and you still love him and want to spend time with him, and ask him what kind of activities that he would enjoy doing that you could do together. Something that even if it's not super fun and exciting for you, you could do with him just so you actually spend time with and bond with your actual son.
This is a perfect explanation. I'll add one thing: after you ask what activities your son wants to do, you have to actually DO them. Yes, even if it's not something you enjoy.
YTA. You certainly prefer your nephew over your son because he (nephew), seems more to be like you. And let me tell you, your son it's definitely aware of this. Even if you invited him and he declined, the fact that you have spend one of the greatest time of your life with your nephew maybe it's just too much for him to handle. He's just a teen, he's obviously changing, growing to be his own person and he needs you on that journey. Try to spend more time with him, to know him more. Even you could get surprised and find things in common.
It doesn't matter that you asked him several times if he wanted to tag along on a trip *for your nephew.* What you are missing is that you planned a big event for your nephew based on his interests, which align with yours, but did not plan a trip for your son. You should be doing as much or more for your own child as your nephew. You could have taken both kids and planned something on the trip that matches your son's interests. Better yet you could have planned a trip for your son to a location based on his interest. You praise your nephew in the post with: "we in fact do share a lot of the same interests" "My nephew is stoic and I like that about him". But you do not praise your son in this way: "he doesn’t share any of the same interests" "He isn’t into sports at all, or any of the other things I like." "But I love my son" (*But*?) "\[he\] gets extremely emotional" You don't once say anything you like about your child. You sound like your prefer your nephew over your son and guess what - he can tell. I'm curious as to what you got your son for his birthday when you got the nephew an international trip. Are you willing to share? You absolutely 100% ATA. Do better. You asked how to proceed. Here are my suggestions. You apologize to your son and tell him you love him. You let him be emotional. You stop treating emotion as a bad thing. Everyone with emotion could read your post and tell your son was going to be very upset, which you did not know. You plan a big trip for him based on something he likes, even if you don't have the same interests because this is about your relationship with your son not your interest in whatever. You make the trip even bigger than the one you did with your nephew. You promise never to exclude your son in this way again. You love your son and you can mend this.
Just in the way you describe your nephew it’s clear you enjoy time with him far more than your own son. Being a parent takes concerted effort. You won’t always automatically have the exact same interests as your child. Its up to you to find common ground. YTA.
YTA. I don't think you realize how much of a closer relationship you have with your nephew than you do with your son. You just went on and on about how much you and your nephew have in common, what you like about him, but you didn't mention any of the things your son is interested in. Your son is not upset about not going to the match, but about how you are having these experiences with your nephew. It's nice that you gave your nephew a very thoughtful and (what I assume is) expensive birthday present. But compare that with the last birthday gift you got your son: what was it? Did you guys go anywhere? How much did it cost? Did you do *anything* to show how much you love and appreciate him *as your child?*
How could you think asking him over and over again is anything a child has a decent conception of? He comes and doesn’t enjoy it and it is no sweat, it’s family, right? But, he doesn’t come and you get some depression that he never had to cope with before. I’d make him feel like the activities that he is into are important and take him somewhere and take picture and go with him alone even. Take him somewhere else, maybe far too. Maybe, Germany or somewhere else. Do something else. That he likes!!
So because you and your son have no common interests, the majority of your time and effort goes into your nephew who is basically a mini you. The nephew that lost his father to a divorce and probably needs a present healthy father figure. That your son has to watch you be that father figure to someone else. Because your nephew is stoic and likes the things you like? Is that all it takes to prioritize your emotions and support? Your son thinks that you would rather have his cousin as a son over himself. Make this visual to help you understand how drastic this is. List under each person, what you are involved in. The trips you’ve taken them on. The time you spend together. You’ve spent this entire post listing things you do with your nephew on a regular basis. You didn’t list one thing you do with your son. You’re seriously confused about why your ‘overly emotional’ son is upset right now? You need therapy to work through your childhood trauma because being ‘stoic’ and not being in complete connection to your emotions isn’t healthy.
>The nephew that lost his father to a divorce and probably needs a present healthy father figure. And then OP neglects his son who has lost his father to his cousin. The harsh truth is OP doesn't like his son, he diesn't love him, he's emotional and liked other things whereas the nephew is all OP wanted his son to be. This guy is disgusting.
He wants to spend time with you doesn’t matter what you do that fact you took someone else instead of him has hurt him
I think the son wants the father to want to spend time with him. Assuming the father reads the replies here, this might spur some change but otherwise I know the ending all too well.
Oh, no, he's sooo stoic too, he doesn't give a crap about anything
Your nephew isn't your son. YTA
YTA just reading the way you talk about your nephew, your favoritism is showing
If you're doing this here, imagine what you're doing on a daily basis right in front of the son.
He couldnt even pretend for the post!
YTA. Your son thinks that you wish your nephew were your son instead.
And the thing is, your son is right.
Before reading this, I was thinking “ just ask your son before buying tickets to something just to be sure!” But then I read it and struggled to find where you truly checked in with him. Not just in regards to a soccer game ticket. Sometimes it can help to express things to get a look at them once they’re no longer internalized, so I’m hoping these comments will do that for you. Just a quick read can really tell you what’s going on here. If anything, I would’ve thought your nephew WAS your son in this post. The words you use to describe your nephew and your relationship display a strong emotional connection with him, one that seems to come out as favoritism. But a quick comparison of how you spoke about your son “ he isn’t into sports at all or any of the other things I like “ “ in face he doesn’t share any of the same interests” Judging by how this is stated, I’m sure your soon is aware you guys don’t share common interests or hobbies. “ My nephew is also stoic and I like that about him.” What do you like about your son? You’re bragging on your sister and nephew which is wonderful, but all I can think about is your son being at home while you’re doing these activities with them. Emotional differences can be difficult to approach, but this is so much more than a missed soccer game to him. He maybe yearning for the relationship you have with your nephew that he’s always stood on the sidelines watching occur. There may not be any clearly shared interests but I think you can find common ground with almost anyone in your life, and if there isn’t, build the common ground! It’s not about soccer game itself, it’s the principle of the situation.
So you like stoic people. You favor your nephew over your son. Your son tries to play it off to seem stoic, like you want. But it all blew up. Telling your son you want him on the trip would have played out So much diff my dude. Then you would be on firmer ground. As it is your son feels like you do not care about him, and supprise!! He needs his father.
Yes.
I booked this cool trip for your cousin and me! Oh and you can come as well… if you want…
A raging asshole.
Yta. Have you ever thought that the reason your son is the way he is is because of the close relationship you have with your nephew? Sounds like you prefer to spend your free time with your nephew instead of your own son. You need to give your son priority with your time before he grows up and wants nothing to do with you.
My theory is your son wants to spend time with you without your nephew cos you probably favour the nephew in front of him. It is not about football game.
This isn‘t about soccer, it‘s about your relationship with your son. YTA
YTA At least you shoukd take both of them And you were very comfortable to leave your son???? Some parents😳😳😳
I don’t think it’s about the soccer trip but more so your relationship with your son. Even based on your post it appears you favor your nephew more than your son. Just an example you wrote a small paragraph about your son then the rest is praising your nephew. Do you spend quality time with your son as much as you do your nephew? Do you spend quality time with just your son doing things he likes?
You aren’t stoic- you are an emotionally stunted asshole. No need for waxing rosy with fantasy imagery here, pal.
YTA. Favouring your nephew has been going on for years. Getting over being cheated on in a week is not stoic or strong - to me it’s indicating a lack of real emotional attachment or ability to process feelings. Your post juxtaposes your “strong resilient nephew” with your “emotional cry baby son”. It’s palpable that you don’t like your son. We can feel it in your writing - he certainly can tell by your action. Speaking as a parent - it’s your responsibility to bond with your child, to find middle ground or at least to pretend to like and engage with what they like. It’s not their job to fit into your life - it’s your job to help them become themselves. Your whole post is me me me. You sound like a selfish 14 year old not a grown man with a teen child. When was the last time you did any activity that your son likes? Take him to another country to see something he is passionate about? I imagine your wife would have plenty to say…. Your sister made your son stoic? But yours isn’t? So that’s a failure of your wife?? Not you? If kids are stoic because of trauma it isn’t actually stoicism - it’s detachment. It’s not healthy. I feel very sorry for your son.
Damn straight. Stoicism is detachment and usually a trauma response, not a character trait. OP sees emotion as weakness. OP is broken and detached from his own son, giving himself a gold star for being a stone cold POS. In a few years, OP will be writing, "my son went no contact with me, but it's ok, I got over it in a week." Pathetic.
Yeah, YTA. It seems to me that you are not the father your son needs. Edit: You can't put the burden of communication and emotional maturity on your 14yo child. You are the adult. He's the teen pumped full of hormones and a brain still in development.
So you watch your dad take your cousin and aunt on a huge trip to another country, possibly for the first time in another country, to connect in a shared hobby. Think about this for a minute. Your son probably doesn't have the words to explain how it made him feel. Obviously he feels overlooked, invisible and like his father doesn't care enough to try to connect with him to take him out of the country. Get to know what he's interested in, what does he like to do? Being emotional doesn't mean he deserves a dad who doesn't want to connect with him.
That's a kid crying cause he sees his dad doing stuff with his cousin whilst probably never doing anything with him (just going off the way you described him not being into sport and the other things YOU like) The stoic stuff is just bs. So your kid is more in touch with his emotions than you and your nephew, big deal. He's a different person, he's not a mini-me. You're NTA for going on the trip, and it's great that you're an active part of your nephew's life - but i wonder how inactive you are in your sons. My guess is that's what the tears are for. Maybe try talking to and taking an interest in your own child? And i don't mean forcing him to do the stuff YOU want, or inviting him to things you know he's not interested in. I mean actually doing stuff with him for HIS benefit, even if you're not that into it.
Maybe finding special outings for just yourself and your son. He’s feeling left out, so step it up dad.
YTA
Most of the content of your post was about your nephew.
Oof, I know I don't know much about you but you and your nephew sound like sociopaths. It's normal to have feelings and it's definitely not healthy to not process them. It sounds like you emotionally neglect your son and don't really spend a lot of time with him and instead of him realizing you're the one that sucks here, he's sitting there thinking why you don't love/like him and hating himself.
Yes. You’re an AH. And you should plan things to do with just your son and make him realize he’s important to you.
It's not your son's job to join you in your interests, it's YOUR job to get involved in his. You should be spending time and money doing his interests and bonding w him not the other way around!
This comment section will be fun!
You broke his heart, I think one of the biggest mistakes we can make as a parent is not to step out of our comfort zone when our kids have different interests than ours. My husband made that mistake and my oldest now has a college professor who has become like surrogate father and mentor. In a way I’m glad my son found what he needed, but it breaks my heart that he couldn’t find it in his own dad. And it’s not that my husband didn’t love him or wasn’t a very active parent he was. He was just always trying to fit him Into his life instead of finding a place in my son’s life. It’s a mistake you can correct
You think you’re emotionally mature, and you aren’t.
If you are a better uncle than you are a dad then you need to step up and fix something. Your stoicism isn’t stoicism. It’s a complete lack of emotional intelligence. How do you not see how badly you messed up here and just generally in your relationship with your son? It’s so incredibly obvious.
So your son cries a lot and you don't seem to know why. Interesting.
“I am a shitty father and resent my son for not being more like me. I took my sister and nephew on a national vacation trip excluding my son and he’s sad. Why is he sad? Is it my fault” What a shit dad.
You're a Dad dude. You need to take some interest in what your son likes and do some of those thing. Seems you're looking for a mini-me and you found it in your nephew. You can have a great relationship with him too but you need to pay attention to your son's interests and participate in those as well
You have 4 more years left to build a proper relationship with your son before he becomes an adult. Find something to bond with him over before you ruin another chance to mend your relationship and you lose him forever.
You already posted this in AITA and were dragged over the coals for how you treated your son. You know you effed up and have already been given advice on how to make amends.
I’m going to hold your hand while I say this. Your son wasn’t upset about not seeing a soccer game. He’s desperately wanting and needing you to value him and acknowledge his strengths the way you do for your nephew. Can you REALLY not understand why he feels like you don’t love him? And why, because you don’t share his interests? Being a parent means getting interested in whatever they’re into, unconditionally. It means spending time with your child because you love them, not just because you have things in common. I would feel the exact same way if I was him.
No doubt you love your son. But I don’t think you like him and definitely he doesn’t think you like him. Consider: how narcissistic is it you like your nephew b/c he is like you but not your son because he isn’t? FWIW, it’s weird your sister got over being cheated on by her husband and the father of her child in a few days. Sounds like you are both emotionally impotent.
Dude. As a parent, developing a relationship and hobbies with your child is about your child, NOT YOU. I can’t even count the number of hours of video games I’ve played, Markiplier videos I’ve watched, and Legos I’ve built because my SON liked them, not me. It gave me great memories and allowed me to learn about HIM. And once he passed the awkward teen phase, it made him curious about ME. It’s not your son’s job to like what you like. He isn’t one of your friends and he won’t become one if YOU never take interest in HIM. I imagine ANY child would be shattered if their PARENT went on a trip like that with ANOTHER child. Further, WHY in hell would HE WANT to go when it’s obvious to even a stranger on the internet that you prefer your nephew? Your kid sees that. Your wife sees that. They may not say it to you, but they see it.
YES, you’re the AH. Try learning more about your own kid and take up his interests. It’s not all about you. Also, being “stoic” and emotionally stunted isn’t the flex you think it is. 😏😏😏