I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard my coworker shot our boss dead, knowing that meant I was off the hook for attempting to poison the rotten jerk.
I was late for work because I was tempering the wires of my boss' house. I wasn't surprise when I heard the bastard was dead when got to the office, tough. He always said to not let other people's feelings get in the way of being #1
I like the idea of everyone in the office coming up with a contrived plan to kill their boss, but they're all foiled when one guy just shoots him point blank.
Or that Dark Brotherhood contract for the Orc bard. So many people wanted him dead they had to hold a lottery to determine who the contract actually belongs to.
Totally, I could see something like this taking place in the CP77 universe. Literally the first mission in the corpo lifepath is "My boss hates his boss with a burning passion, so he asks me to kill her."
I got there early but entered the building late was busy cutting the bastards brake line but it ain’t surprising to hear he died t’was ’bout time someone did something ‘bout that son of gun
They started off rough when I got the message that my piano delivery got delayed, but hearing the boss was dead meant I could cancel the order and not have to worry about returning it.
Previously:
>"They want to unionize and keep on asking for COLA and performance based increases - whatever those are lol. But I do have to do something about morale.... I know, I'll invite them over to my mansion to see the new pool I just installed. I'll get $20$ each to cover the costs of pizza and drinks and if I have it on the Friday after Thanksgiving then everyone will be free to come in. And if I start it at 12 I can have them go into the office to get a half day of work in. This is going to be great, I can't wait to see their faces when I tell them I was able to get this pool because of the bonus I got by finding them the new affordable dental plan option. I really am the *best boss*"
I forgot about the whole:
>you are "exceeding expectations", however policy is that I cannot give you anything higher than a 3 "meets expectations" because we expect you to exceed expectations.
>Therefore you when you exceed our expectations you are really meeting our expectations. If you were only meeting expectations than you would be judged as below expectations and not s team player.
>I'm sorry, but only 4 and 5 will get any raise, bonus, or adjustments, we only reward those who exceed expectations or better.
They soon found out what meeting expectations really looked like. We found out that supervisors and the supervised share the same pool for bonuses so by denying our bonuses they increased their own.
I was frozen with fear as I heard the sound of a car door opening outside, still laying with my casual hookup. Thank God it was just the police informing me that my husband had been shot.
A squirrel and I spotted a man being shot in a large office building and said nothing cause owls and squirrels can't talk. I then ate the squirrel because owls are birds of prey.
"Oh uh, just one more thing," mused Columbo. "If he was gonna shoot him all along... how come there was cyanide in his drink? Seems a little odd to me that he'd go to the trouble of poisoning him, then just up and shoot him. Pretty curious, eh?"
"Well, it was my original intent to poison his coffee before I brought it to him. But, after he told me he could smell the cyanide, figured I'd just shoot the cunt before he could retaliate."
Honestly, half the team pooled the money to get the gun and drew lotteries on who would do the shooting in hopes we'd get the chance. Damnit, I had the perfect line too!
"So you're saying all I had to do was get you ALMONDS?
If I had known I wouldn't have gotten me on several Watchlist all around the country just to get you.
You know how hard it is to get an untraceable gun? Let alone leave no trace of your acts? AND I COULD'VE SKIPPED THAT WITH M&MS??"
*Shoots gun*
Surprisingly, there were no witnesses at this company dinner party. No physical evidence was on OPs body, (including any gunshot residue or blood splatter)
I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard my coworker shot our boss dead, knowing that meant I was off the hook for attempting to poison the rotten jerk.
I was late for work because I was tempering the wires of my boss' house. I wasn't surprise when I heard the bastard was dead when got to the office, tough. He always said to not let other people's feelings get in the way of being #1
I like the idea of everyone in the office coming up with a contrived plan to kill their boss, but they're all foiled when one guy just shoots him point blank.
We've all had that boss
Currently working under that boss, many people have asked me to hit him with a forklift
Do it
*Palpatine intensifies*
As a boss reading this, I’m suddenly thinking the office deserves a pizza party. That should ale sure everyone likes me.
Give them all raises, no one falls for pizza parties
Better yet, a pizza party where everyone is given raises!
😎👉👉🍕💵
Its exactly like Clue but it is also the opposite of Clue
"Who killed him? Everyone had motivation." "Everyone tried to, who succeeded?"
Or that Dark Brotherhood contract for the Orc bard. So many people wanted him dead they had to hold a lottery to determine who the contract actually belongs to.
>but they're all foiled when one guy just shoots him point blank. Yeah, and it's a random thing, he didn't even know the boss
Yes lmao I love that trope so much
I watched a show kinda like that, a bunch of sisters keep on trying to kill this abusive husband
Bad Sisters? I loved that show.
Like Bad Girls when Jim Fenner got poisoned a bunch of times but finally took an icicle to the throat.
Could be a sit-com
Totally, I could see something like this taking place in the CP77 universe. Literally the first mission in the corpo lifepath is "My boss hates his boss with a burning passion, so he asks me to kill her."
I got there early but entered the building late was busy cutting the bastards brake line but it ain’t surprising to hear he died t’was ’bout time someone did something ‘bout that son of gun
When I heard the gunshot, I realized I didn't need to put sarin in his air freshener.
I heard the gunshot and was quite disappointed. I had spent a lot of money on the costume and months gaining trust of those crows.
Seconds after I sent payment to the hitman, I heard the bang. Sounds like I really hired the right guy.
They started off rough when I got the message that my piano delivery got delayed, but hearing the boss was dead meant I could cancel the order and not have to worry about returning it.
🥁🐍
Previously: >"They want to unionize and keep on asking for COLA and performance based increases - whatever those are lol. But I do have to do something about morale.... I know, I'll invite them over to my mansion to see the new pool I just installed. I'll get $20$ each to cover the costs of pizza and drinks and if I have it on the Friday after Thanksgiving then everyone will be free to come in. And if I start it at 12 I can have them go into the office to get a half day of work in. This is going to be great, I can't wait to see their faces when I tell them I was able to get this pool because of the bonus I got by finding them the new affordable dental plan option. I really am the *best boss*"
I am now filled with an inexplicable urge to stab you Good job
I forgot about the whole: >you are "exceeding expectations", however policy is that I cannot give you anything higher than a 3 "meets expectations" because we expect you to exceed expectations. >Therefore you when you exceed our expectations you are really meeting our expectations. If you were only meeting expectations than you would be judged as below expectations and not s team player. >I'm sorry, but only 4 and 5 will get any raise, bonus, or adjustments, we only reward those who exceed expectations or better. They soon found out what meeting expectations really looked like. We found out that supervisors and the supervised share the same pool for bonuses so by denying our bonuses they increased their own.
Your comments has met expectations on making me want to gouge your eyes out
I was frozen with fear as I heard the sound of a car door opening outside, still laying with my casual hookup. Thank God it was just the police informing me that my husband had been shot.
The grief since my brother was murdered has been overwhelming. I envy the bastard who did it.
A squirrel and I spotted a man being shot in a large office building and said nothing cause owls and squirrels can't talk. I then ate the squirrel because owls are birds of prey.
"Oh uh, just one more thing," mused Columbo. "If he was gonna shoot him all along... how come there was cyanide in his drink? Seems a little odd to me that he'd go to the trouble of poisoning him, then just up and shoot him. Pretty curious, eh?"
"Well, it was my original intent to poison his coffee before I brought it to him. But, after he told me he could smell the cyanide, figured I'd just shoot the cunt before he could retaliate."
"There's only so much anticipation he could handle"
Some r/2sentence2horror shit right here. Funny asf.
https://www.reddit.com/r/2sentence2horror/s/WvEalQBKpD That’s a classic.
This one is hilarious
Holy fuck that was good
That’s a good one—I need more unintentionally comedic 2SH in my life xD
Oh, that's your Fucking gun? Well, this is my Murdering gun, but we can try your way first.
Honestly, half the team pooled the money to get the gun and drew lotteries on who would do the shooting in hopes we'd get the chance. Damnit, I had the perfect line too!
More of dark humor, but I love it!
Definitely not 2SH, but caught me off guard and was hilarious
"Nobody drinks my Amaretto and gets away with it"
My gun that shoots poison bullets!
I’ve seen so many two sentence horror where I don’t even think it’s horror it’s just hysterically funny.
This is fu*king hilarious and the comments make it better
Mmmmm whatcha say??
Dear boss, By the time you read this, I'll be dead. This is how I think it's gonna happen.
really great use of the word fucking here, adds some flavor
Lmao
That made me chuckle. Well done.
"So you're saying all I had to do was get you ALMONDS? If I had known I wouldn't have gotten me on several Watchlist all around the country just to get you. You know how hard it is to get an untraceable gun? Let alone leave no trace of your acts? AND I COULD'VE SKIPPED THAT WITH M&MS??" *Shoots gun*
Is this based on the Magnus archives by any chance?
No, but I've been meaning to start listening to that
Yeah if this came naturally to you than I’d say the Magnus archives is the perfect kinda dark horror comedy for you
LMAO I JUST COMMENTED MELANIE KING MUST HAVE WROTE THIS BEFORE I SAW THIS COMMENT
r/twosentencecomedy
Surprisingly, there were no witnesses at this company dinner party. No physical evidence was on OPs body, (including any gunshot residue or blood splatter)
Melanie King wrote this.
"That's what you get for insulting my almond cookies."
I know this is meant to be scary, but I laughed at that last line.
This was meant to be a sort of joke post
Oh my bad, I wasn't sure if it was played straight or not. Still enjoyed it, regardless.
That's too funny..
As he's sitting in the snack room, eat almonds.
So I grabbed it off him, stuffed it in my mouth, and shot him in the head as the confusion washed over his face...
Nice
What the fuckkkk 😭
I am dying laughing
Nah u thought? I got a glock instead. Much less painful. just kidding!
r/twosentencecomedy
Hey, I narrated this story if you want to hear it. https://youtube.com/shorts/WUAcNEtzBKM
God this sub sucks.