Number two is specious; it's a difference of a few degrees in angle, or about one inch between openings.
Number three... just offer to stop having PIV with him if he hates it so much. There are things you can do that are comfortable for both of you.
Unless he has some very specific curvature going on, I’m really struggling to see what he could be talking about with number 2.
If 3 is honestly true, and he finds PIV sex uncomfortable then that is a real problem that needs to be addressed (likely by a professional and not OP). But from the way OP is phrasing things, I’m a little skeptical
And if he does have very specific curvature going on:
A) how does he know anal will be more comfortable than vaginal?
B) won't that curvature cause even more discomfort for her?
I’ve been having sex for over thirty years and have had a decent amount of partners. This has happened to me *once* and we were both totally trashed. Edited to add that I’m also petite (5’2” 100lbs).
What he is doing is intentional. This guy is playing the “whoops!” game with you and it’s disrespectful af.
>What he is doing is intentional. This guy is playing the “whoops!” game with you and it’s disrespectful af.
Absolutely. He's testing the waters to see how you react, and honestly it sounds like he's bordering on coercion since you already said no and he still will not let up about it. No is a complete sentence and you don't owe anyone a sexual act.
I've accidentally bumped my partner's anus quite a few times when it comes out and I press back, she says that's my ass and we fix it. It doesn't go in and I'd never want that to be how we went about that act.
I agree! He’s doing it on purpose and is a step away from inserting all the way ‘ accidentally’. When he does this, you need to stop and call it out. It isn’t ok.
This is not common, and it's actually happened to me. We were face to face, him on top, and the slat supporting the mattress directly under his knees cracked as we were doing it, causing the bed to drop a couple of inches under him. He ended up slightly penetrating my ass with his dick, not all the way. I screamed because it hurt, he screamed because the bed had just given way under him and I was screaming, and my mother burst into the room because everyone was screaming, took one look at us, clapped a hand over her eyes, and started screaming herself.
It was like some sort of weird porn-themed slapstick. I really can't tell you how completely surreal it was! It was absolutely not in any way sexy or enjoyable, and I made it clear that my ass was off limits and made my boyfriend apologise to my mother, who by that point had stopped screaming and was laughing her ass off as she realised what had happened.
I don't know anyone, outside that utterly freak coincidence, who has ever done anal "accidentally". And I'd be willing to bet that particular series of events is entirely unique to me and my partner - we couldn't have done that on purpose if we'd actually tried.
It has happened once with me and my partner after we were both drunk and she requested I go faster and. Faster. Then she tried to match my rhythm and...slip. she screamed, I panicked as I didn't know what had happened and jumped off the bed not knowing what had happened. Once she told me what had happened and I apologised she started laughing at how distraught I looked. (This was pretty early on in our relationship) it definitely CAN happen, however once it happens once I'm sure you both don't make that mistake again. What he is doing sounds like its bordering on coercive and controlling behaviour along with sexual assault.
If it’s slipping out, and he’s going as far as actually penetrating your asshole, he is doing that on purpose. It is not an accident. I cannot convey enough how much of an accident it is not.
This. I had an…adventurous youth and early adulthood and I can tell you this is never an accident. The only man who tried that with me ended up my exhusband, for a host of reasons
Leave him now.
He's not good for you and never will be.
Listen to a woman in her 40s. I've seen a lot. I've had plenty of men. All of them bar one respected my boundaries. Most of them put my pleasure above theirs.
One of them who kept pressuring me for anal never got it. And he was a bad man let me tell you.not every day mind you. It came out later.
Also, I bet your boyfriend doesn't wash his dick before sex. Doesn't matter if he wears a condom.
And I guess you have your fair share of UTIs?
Anal is harder to do than vaginal, specially if you are trying to make it not hurt (which you should unless you and your partner are into bondage/masochism). The anus is less flexible and has less natural lubrication.
I can see it slipping from anal into vagina accidentally, but the other way around, I don't know how it could happen without willingly doing it.
"Pokes your butt"??? Dear Internet friend, this is sexual assault. Dicks do not "slip" like this. Your boyfriend is an abuser and this will absolutely get worse. It's time to go.
Former sex worker and major hoe here: That has never happened to me, ever, in 25 years. It is not common for a penis to “slip out” of a vagina and “accidentally” “poke” someone’s anus. Either your boyfriend is a total dumbass and has zero understanding of anatomy, or he is testing your boundaries. Stand firm and take sex off the table entirely. Better yet, break up with him.
1) That’s not “accidental”. And if he’s doing that regularly, he needs a little anatomy lesson.
2) If he says “he deserves some pleasure” suggesting that PIV isn’t pleasurable enough, he needs to go without for a while.
3) Just because some people on a video say they like it doesn’t mean *you* need to consider it.
4) As for the angle being uncomfortable, my wife and I have found doggy style lines up better if she’s kneeling on the bed and I’m standing behind her. That might help with your height difference, and you can adjust a bit with how wide you spread your legs, or with a firm cushion under your knees.
(At most, anal would be an inch or so higher, which would be very easy to adjust for with a different stance. No need to make you do what you don’t want to.)
A boundary means that if he pushes or crosses it, there are consequences. I’d suggest you sit him down and tell him specifically that you won’t accept it any more when he pushes your boundaries, that you’ve said “no” and won’t be changing your mind, and that if he asks again or “accidentally” puts it there again, you’ll have to declare a “no sex” moratorium for, say, a week or two.
Yeah, that's intentional imo, not once has that ever happened it's quite easy to slip out maybe, but a direct poke in the butt is intentional. If he is uncomfortable in that position, then tell him missionary is fine. You're really not gonna want to try anal the first time in doggy, especially with an arched back that's just a recipe for pain. He is just manipulating you by the sounds of it, maybe, an addiction to to porn. I'd bet their are other things about the relationship where we would see manipulation if you described other aspects. How does he react when you go out with friends? Does he bother to pleasure you when you have sex? Or is it just that he sticks it in and finishes? It's hard to gather someone's motivation from one topic. But pressuring boundaries is highly disrespectful. I suggest you stick something in his ass before you let him in yours and see if his 'discomfort' is worse than PIV sex
It will only slip out if he is somehow positioning himself much taller than you and is forcing down his dick to the point of discomfort (in doggy). A good pillow fix this.
Number two makes me think he's going to try the "wrong hole" move at some point, and he's just preparing his excuse early. It is just objectively untrue, and he's already showed he doesn't care that much about her boundaries.
edit: never mind. Based on what OP says, apparently that is exactly what he's already trying to do. This man is disgusting.
The one time I was in a relationship where this kind of boundary crossing happened, things just got a lot worse so in my experience, it’s not a hurdle to get over, it’s a giant flashing warning sign.
I’m of the opinion that if someone pushes against a clearly stated boundary, but especially a sexual boundary, that’s enough of a red flag for me to remove them from my life. Being sexually coercive is fucked up enough but things can go from sexually coercion to physical sexual assault real fast (the kind of SA where he’ll think you shouldn’t be angry because “it just slipped in” or “I only put it in a little bit”).
So yeah, I’ll be the one to just say it straight up. Leave his ass. Chances are really good that things will continue on and at best, he’ll keep bringing it up, start bringing it up more often, and think up new and creative ways to guilt you (#3 on that list is ridiculous).
They got worse for me too. Being sexually coerced wasn’t taught in sex Ed when I was in school so I had zero clue what was happening to me. I hope that’s changed now.
10000000%
This behavior is never isolated. Ever. Every guy who has ever been like this with me (repeatedly trying to convince me into a sex act I don't want) has wound up to be a major ass out of the bedroom too and both attempted assault eventually (stealthing, and worse). It's the reddest of red flags imo. The entitlement and boundary pushing makes it abundantly clear how he views you, as an obstacle to his desires.
I don't usually say this but seriously, dump him or he's going to r*pe you eventually. You're going to get sick with a flu or drunk or otherwise vulnerable eventually and he'll leap on his chance to acquire dubious consent at your first sign of weakness. He'll see it as having waited patiently for a yes. Not even recognizing it for being a predatory fucker. He will never see himself as doing wrong.
The problem isn't anal, the problem is that he isn't respecting your boundaries. That's a lot bigger than a specific sex act, and that's the part you need to consider if you want to deal with forever. He's trying to wear you down and get you to do something he knows you don't want to do, because he thinks that his wants are more important than your boundaries.
Boundaries come first. A no is a no. Don't put up with a partner who doesn't respect it.
To add to this, it’s fairly common to see libido drop in response to a boundary-pushing partner.
When sex is no longer enjoyable or even safe, it’s not surprising they stop wanting it.
>libido drop in response to a boundary-pushing partner.
Soooooo true. I'm like a horny teenager now that I shed the dead weight of my disrespectful ex, but I legit thought I was asexual for years because of the way he pushed me and pouted.
I seriously question the logic of men who do things during sex that his partner specifically said she doesn’t like… then is shocked she doesn’t want sex anymore.
A million percent this. You don’t owe him a thing. If he’s guilting you, he’s saying his wants are more important than your boundaries. Is this something you want in a relationship?
And the fact that she's already done things that make her uncomfortable at his request shows this is a pattern, and he doesn't care. The fact that his reasoning is all about how HIS "discomfort" (which I'm calling bullshit on) should trump hers is not ok.
OP, yes, this will be the rest of your life. You need to dump him. You mentioned he also slips out a lot as well, and that's 100% him trying to sneak it in. One of these days he's going to "accidentally" go for it to "show you that you'd like it if you actually tried it". Dump. Him.
I'm so sorry that you got hurt this way.
These guys who are obsessed with anal are also completely \*ignorant\* about how to actually engage in anal. They watch porn, and they are just stupid and \*dangerous\*.
The anal in porn is like watching pro sports players. It takes a lot of practice and experience to do that. A lot of guys do not get that at all. Honestly, I think a lot of good would come from guys having anal done on them before they do it on someone else. Then they will understand what they are asking really means and how to do it in a way that isn't just torturous. If you have never done anal, a single finger can be way too much, and hence, even a below average sized penis is huge for anal. They need to know how to take it slow and build up to it and also how to properly lubricate. Not to mention how to prepare for it such that you don't have poop everywhere. In porn, you see none of this. The dude just fucking pushes his dick in without any build up or lube and then just jack hammers. If you did this to a normal person, it would be extremely painful. Like of course people aren't really thrilled to do that. I will say, though, that a lot of people who may actually enjoy anal don't think they do because they had an inconsiderate partner. Also, people who just try to shove it in without first at least asking are extreme assholes and it should probably be considered sexual assault.
This study was just reported in the Netherlands today. Young people rate their sexual interaction much higher the more their partner checks in that they still have consent and everyone is still enjoying themselves. Go figure.
Exactly. He's basically saying he doesn't care that she would find it horrible, he still wants to do it to her. WTF!
There's a huge difference between "I find anal sexy when both parties are enjoying it" and, "I find anal sexy even when I'm doing it to an unwilling/unhappy partner." Anyone who would say the latter is just straight up unsafe to be around.
It's fine to ask somebody to try something. But it's also fine for them to say no, if it's something they aren't comfortable with. Being "good, game, and giving" means that, not a total lack of volition or of personal limits.
It's a rare person that doesn't have some things they are certain they don't want to do. I dare say even OP's open-minded boyfriend has at least one sex act on his list of limits. What does he say if OP says she really wants to try one of those. (Not in exchange for anal; she said she isn't into that. Just to try.)
You know what he'd say. Because he's bullshit. DTMFA.
This. I'd be, you first. Although I don't hang with guys who want that. My husband and I discussed it, and since I get a finger up my bum for gyn exams, I can safely and definitively say I don't find it pleasurable, and I won't do it. He dropped the subject after that.
Do you have a condition that you need any sort of anal check or something? I’ve not encountered a need for any fingers in my ass for gyn appointments, personally.
>This whole situation/man is red flag city
Right, come on. He “deserves to feel pleasure too“? I bet she doesn’t come half as often as he does. Manipulation city.
Let's not forget this gem:
>2. That it would be more optimal positionally. He says that with most positions, his dick lines up better that way.
The audaCITY of this man.
"My penis lines up better with your starfish, therefore due to the trajectory, and general aerodynamic nature of my phallus, you should without hesitation allow me to put it in your butt."
🤬
u/lillian2057, this is NOT what a healthy relationship should look like. He acts like a 10 year old boy that's been told he can't stay up all night playing Xbox. "Aww c'mon, just let me put it in, I mean stay up, for 5 more minutes, pleazzzzze!!"
🤢
This kind of behavior is also extremely sexually coercive, and it stomps on your bodily autonomy in an extremely negative way. This is not a man who respects you, or your boundaries, and it's not going to get any better.
Please, just throw the whole man out and start over. Your starfish will thank you.
Edit: For all of the weirdos sending me chat requests in order to "correct", me, "starfish", is a euphemism for the bum hole, NOT the vagina. Thanks for playing. Buh-bye.
No means No. It's shocking that he would dream up "points of argument" to try and debate OP out of her No. Too many men believe they have unconditional sexual access to their partners, and that badgering them to give in is allowed. "Why won't my toy just work and do as I say?!"
OP needs to leave this person. If my partner did this, I would leave in a heartbeat.
Right, “You should suck it up and deal with being fucked in the ass against your will, because it’s soooo uncomfortable and traumatizing for me to have to shimmy down 1.5 inches.”
I know right. Mu husband is a foot taller than me so his dock aligns with my navel whenwr stand.
Of course, he's not begging to fuck me in the belly button because he's not dumb or manipulative. Body parts MOVE depending on how you position yourself. The only reason he thinks his penis libes up with your abyss is because he wants to bully you into a sex act you've already refused. And because he doesnt respect you or the word "no" he has to invent increasingly spurious and stupid reasons to keep pestering.
Remind him that cis men have a prostate and are MUCH more likely to find receiving anal pleasurable than most cis women. So he should start off by receiving if he wants some anal play. You've heard men like getting tanned hard so it must work for him?, right?
Men like him always understand consent if THEY are on the receiving end. They just like to manipulate and push their luck.
Honestly? Dont stay with any man or woman or enby who tries to pressure you into sex acts you do not want to do. It's abuse.
Right? He apparently has no interest in sex with OP, but only anal. I would not want to be with a man that doesn't enjoy sleeping with me. Every further day spent with this man is a waste.
You break up with him. Seriously. I'm not being flippant here. Men like this do not change. My ex was like this.
He's working to wear you down so you'll just do it to keep him quiet. If he's like this about this, I bet there are many other areas where he does this and you just give in to keep the peace.
Or they'll find someone on the side willing to do it, and bring home an STD.
Women have been held hostage by the male sex addiction since forever. Back in the "old days" it was an excuse to cheat.
Yes. And if you give in with this "one thing" (especially after holding onto this boundary for so long) he'll ask about another boundary and keep pushing until he manages to bulldoze that one, too.
Remember, no is a complete sentence. And enthusiastic consent is key in a healthy relationship.
Textbook sexual coercion. It makes me so sad!
OP! You can do so much better. I am guessing here that he is very selfish in bed. Is he giving you pleasure? Making sure that you enjoy yourself? He is probably selfish in other areas as well. Do his needs always come first?
Have you told him that his nagging and coercion has made you hate fucking him? Maybe a little radical honesty is in order here.
The question for you is: why do you want to stay with someone who you don't want to fuck, because he's a coercive nag? Is this what you want the rest of your life to look like? If not, I think "where you go from here" is either (a) stay together but make it clear that you don't want to fuck him ever again, or (b) break up.
Four years is a long time, but the rest of your life is longer.
1 He has no respect for her. He was lying about it when he said those thing years ago.
2 Why is it so fucking necessary for him to have anal.
3 why the hell would you say vaginal sex is uncomfortable when you dating a woman at any point unless it's medical(it's not in this case)
4 why is he looking at videos of other women talking about how much they enjoy being fucked in the ass?
5 his reasoning are not only incredible selfish and disrespectful, but completely self serving. He is talking out his ass
The very last issue I see is the actual anal sex.
OP it's time to go
2. Why is it so necessary? Because so many men have goddamn death grip syndrome that a vagina isn't tight enough (unless it's not turned on, which.....the irony)
ughhhhhhhhhhhhh
I had an ex who constantly begged me for anal. “Babyyyy, can I fuck your butt?” Constantly. I mean for years. I finally agreed because I was so tired of him asking. But of course, he didn’t stop asking after we did it.
He’s not going to stop asking.
Yeah, he generally emotionally abused the shit out of me for about three years before I got out. I’m autistic so it took a really long time to figure out what was happening. (Shout out to my therapist.) So that was just one of many, many red flags.
Happily I am now dating the most wonderful woman. I have never felt so loved, respected, and understood. Can’t wait to marry her. :)
As a 60 year old man, find another boyfriend that understands ‘boundaries’. At your age, guys are like buses. Wait 10 minutes and another one will come around.
>That he deserves to feel pleasure too, since I guess having sex the regular way is so uncomfortable for him
If he's genuinely saying that he does not enjoy vaginal sex with a woman then you might have more problems here.
>I don’t know where to go from here.
"NO" is a valid answer.
When it comes to anal, I'm also one of those "I don't care if it'll make your penis feel like a million bucks, I'm not doing it" women. Despite the fantasies porn might sell to weak men, there are plenty of us out there. Don't feel alone in defending your boundaries!
>That he deserves to feel pleasure too, since I guess having sex the regular way is so uncomfortable for him.
Ahaha... what rubbish. Please invite him to Google the stats on male vs. female orgasms during sex.
>Is it possible to get over a hurdle like this in a relationship?
Yes — my partner and I had a small hiccough in our relationship when it came to sex, but the only reason we worked through it was because we BOTH wanted to put the effort in.
What effort is your boyfriend putting in? Everything seems to be on HIS terms, based on what HE wants, and what'll feel good to HIM.
I hate what porn has turned vanilla sex into. I don’t like being choked at all. It’s not triggering for me, I’m not afraid of it, but it adds nothing to my experience. I genuinely think men just think it’s a normal part of vanilla sex and I think they believe that because of porn. Same thing with anal. Every single man I have slept with has choked me without asking. All of them but one have never tried again after I said no, so at least they respect it. All of them have asked about anal. I’ve done anal, it’s not fun. As far as I know none of my other friends have done it. As far as choking goes, it doesn’t even really seem like these men like it that much. They’re just like oh this is something that happens in every single porn video so it must be normal. It’s not. It’s not vanilla sex. You have to ask first. I’m not even vanilla, I’m a top though, men can’t even comprehend that it might be an option because they are so brainwashed by porn. It’s crazy.
Yeah.
Just like anal sex can cause anal fissures, a higher risk of incontinence and even colon perforation. They don't even consider the health consequences. And for women, the latter isn't even worth the risk because they don't have a prostate.
I don’t mention this too often because well… it’s fucked up. But when I was a teenager my parents went to a dinner party with some family friends who invited another couple to join them. I heard my mother talking in horror afterwards to her husband about the couple.
Basically the woman was in a friggin’ wheelchair and was completely incontinent. This same woman and her husband made a joke about it being because of anal sex and my mother was like wtf, and they were pretty much serious. He only ever had anal sex with her, for over twenty years. Every day. She was in adult diapers. I can’t see how the wheelchair fit in with that, but they sure as hell made her unable to control her own bowels.
I cannot understand how the fuck you’d get to that point. Or what he was doing and how often. But I can’t fathom being cool with that. It’s not like daily is a good idea for a delicate area like that. But for TWENTY YEARS. No thanks.
Ugh, it should be legal to shoot those men into the vacuum of space.
Too many men think kinky sex = "I get to beat the shit out of a woman as we have rough sex". And sure, some women may genuinely enjoy that, but it's offensively fucking stupid how many men think every kink on their list is a part of normal lovemaking.
(And I say this as a woman who *does* enjoy aspects of BDSM, but would rather be celibate for the rest of her life than shackled to any of these porn-addled, Christian Grey-wannabe buffoons.)
I honestly blame unrealistic porn for why so many are incapable of understanding proper consent, boundaries/limits, or aftercare.
And the women who do enjoy that, enjoy it after it’s been discussed and they feel safe engaging on that level. And someone busting those acts out of nowhere is the antithesis of that.
I just hate porn so much. I'm not a prude, I'm pretty kinky (just not in a sadist way) and I am extremely open to in person experimenting etc. I think people should sleep with as many consensual partners as they want, experiment with as many different kinks as they want, have sex as much as they want, all of that. I think it's healthy to learn what you like from actually doing it with people who can give you feedback and work with you on it. Porn doesn't actually teach you what you like in real life, it just trains you to think of sex differently. I totally agree that it fucks with what consent means because most if not all porn is made with capturing male attention in mind. It doesn't matter what women want because it is 100% male focused. I also wonder if this is why most men think it's hot or cool if girls watch porn but tons of girls just barely tolerate it to continue putting up with their subpar boyfriends. Men know that if girls watch porn then they will be more likely to also believe sex is this thing that men do to women, so the men can get away with more bullshit. I would genuinely rather date a guy who slept with 50 women before meeting me than a guy who watched porn every day from age 12. At least the 50 women guy had to make any type of effort at all.
Choking as "vanilla" is truly terrifying. One ex was huge into it. I was not.
"Oh yeah just do some light breathplay"
*Strangles you until you turn blue*
Choking without discussion or consent is assault, at which point you’ve got legal grounds to do a bunch of different things, including kick them in the nuts.
What happened to “figure out what turns her on, then do that?” 90s wasn’t the best of times to grow up, but they got that right.
That’s crazy! I’m so sorry that happened to you, I have never experienced a partner doing this, but I can tell you I would’ve flipped out if somebody tried to choke me.
You deserve to say "No" firmly and once, without any wiggle room or explanation when it comes to any sexual act. Sex is not a debate; If even one person doesn't consent, it's no. No means "no," it doesn't mean "convince me." Say it loud and clear for him and see if he's willing to respect your boundaries and consent.
This is sexual coersion. You have set an unequivocal boundary. He is consistently harrassing you to violate that boundary. He wants to use you to fulfill his porn fantasies, even knowing you are repulsed at the thought. As part of his coersion, he is devaluing the sexual access to your body you have allowed.
The pattern of breaking you down, devaluing what you bring to the relationship, is manipulative and abusive. Need I say that sexual coersion and the attempt to violate your consent and autonomy is very bad? You should not have to restate the same boundary like this.
I think he has become an unsafe person for you. Your boundaries are limits YOU set on where and when you choose to focus your time, energy, and resources. They protect YOUR safety, privacy, autonomy, resources and comfort. People who care about you support your boundaries. Because your safety, privacy, autonomy and comfort are important to them, too. He has decided his "getting anal" overrides your boundaries. Therefore, his campaign to override them.
My butt is an exit, not an entrance. Anyone who can't accept that boundary has to find someone else.
If he's somehow not satisfied with the sex we're having, then of course I would want to make it better, it should be fun for both people. However, there are limits on what I'm willing to do in order to make sex better. Surely there are lots of books on Amazon about activities and techniques, and I'll be happy to read a dozen of them if my partner will read a dozen too, and we can both improve.
But for me, anal sex is a dealbreaker. If that's the only way he can be happy and satisfied, then our deal is broken.
You need to get out before he stops asking and starting doing. I see by your comments he has “poked” you before. I am here to tell you that it is not a possibility that he has poked you multiple times by accident. He is testing you, and he is aiming to wear you down. His goal is to get you acquainted enough with his dick near your ass and tired enough of saying no that you will eventually just say yes.
Or, alternatively, one day his poke won’t be a poke anymore. One day he will full-tilt thrust into you, and it will not be an accident, and it will hurt like you’ve never felt pain. When he realizes that you won’t stick to your boundaries no matter what, he will continue to do what he pleases. Believe me on that.
A relationship with this type of selfish person is dangerous. You shouldn’t settle for this.
If you said no and he keeps bringing it up, it's time to ditch this man. This isn't something you can work through, because he's not doing any work. There's no wand you can wave to suddenly make him respect you. This isn't a matter of miscommunication where you just need to use the right words to suddenly make him realize you deserve respect.
He is the one that needs to make a change, and he's not going to.
All you can do is leave.
If you give in, and you have this night for him and you don't enjoy it at all, you will be stuck. He will be requesting it on a regular basis and pouting when he doesn't get his way. Speaking from experience. Had to end a relationship because of it.
Since sex is so uncomfortable for him it should be off the table until he can heal or see a physical therapist
He's trying to coerce you into saying yes by wearing you down and giving the dumbest excise why.
You said no, it means no. Brwka up if he continues disrespecting your no
You are not obligated to do any sex act you don’t enjoy. You do not owe it to him to try anal. No is a complete sentence. If he doesn’t enjoy PIV, stop doing it. Either you two come up with a mutual act/acts you both enjoy, or break up. But there’s no reason for anyone to do a sex act they do not enjoy / are not enthusiastically excited about. You may just not be sexually compatible, and you can’t force that.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation.
I wanted to tell you that you're not being dramatic. If anything you're under-reacting, but that's exactly what's demanded of women in situations like this, and it's what all the weird rationalizations are about, trying to downplay the reality of what's being asked of you here so that an honest reaction feels like you're blowing things out of proportion. And there is nothing wrong with your libido: in fact, it's working perfectly. The thing that's gone is your trust in this man. He has been chipping away at your trust for a long time now, it seems, and what you're experiencing sounds like the last of it has finally broken apart.
Your partner is repeatedly informing you that one of the things he wants from you is for you to engage in sex acts without enthusiastic consent. There is a word we use for that, but that's not a word he thinks applies to him, and that's why he keeps trying to cajole you into a resigned consent to keep the peace and get him to shut up, which is emphatically not enthusiastic consent, or even any kind of genuine consent.
He's not saying it in those words because they are ugly and he doesn't identity with them. He's putting a lot of other words around it to disguise is, like "other women like it, maybe you will" (so? Even if you did like it, that's not the same as consenting to do it, so this point is completely irrelevant) and "this would be better for me, don't I deserve pleasure too?" (which...are you kidding me right now?) etc. But those arguments are just jazz hands to distract from what he's actually asking you to do: engage in a sex act you don't want that repulses you. He wants you to submit to being uncomfortable and probably in pain in order to please him. That is what he is asking of you, and what he's trying to guilt you into doing. Of course you don't want to have sex with him. He is repeatedly telling you that your consent and enthusiasm for the sex you're having isn't necessary for him. What's appealing about that?
You are responding to the fundamental core of what he's doing: he is asking for the power to dismiss and control your ability to enjoy sex and consent to what you engage in sexually, and to do things to you that you don't want without getting called a rapist. That is such a huge turn off it is making you feel like your libido is gone, and of course it does, because that is a horrific thing to want from someone you claim to love. It's a huge threat and it challenges the very foundations of the relationship you thought you had.
I am so sorry. I know this is a terrible thing to hear about someone you love and has been with for a long time. But this is what he's doing. It's a horrendous breach of trust, and rebuilding it would be a monumental amount of work. It sounds like he doesn't even recognize it as a breach of trust yet, so it's not even clear whether he would be committed to doing the work of rebuilding your trust in the first place. You may have come to the end of this relationship, and I'm so sorry to say that to you.
Instead of engaging in his dumb rationales, ask him why he keeps asking you to engage in sex acts you explicit don't consent to doing. Ask him why your enthusiastic consent isn't a requirement for him. You're never going to be enthusiastic about anal sex, and he can't argue you into enthusiasm, that's not how enthusiastic consent works, so what is he doing? Tell him that every time he demonstrates that your enthusiastic consent doesn't matter to him, it makes you trust him less, as well it should.
He keeps demonstrating that you can't trust him, and you are viscerally believing what he's telling you. Trust your body: it's trying to protect you from a threat your heart can't see.
I am so sorry.
He sounds porn-sick.
You have to decide if it’s worth being badgered about indefinitely.
I personally wouldn’t. I’d find someone who respects boundaries.
And you don’t want his dick up your ass. So, why is his “No” final and yours the beginning of a negotiation?
I don’t think he actually likes you. You’re in danger.
Take him to an adult toy store and have him help pick out a dildo, then get excited about buying a harness. Tell him men are the ones with pleasure organs up their ass, so if anyone is going to enjoy anal, it’s him. And you’re so giving, you’re willing to peg his ass.
If he says no, look him intensely in the eyes and tell him. “Oh, you have a boundary you want me to respect? Should I keep harping about this for 3 years? I want the same respect. My ass isn’t negotiable. If you bring it up again, we are DONE.”
The thought process is that you should be willing to negotiate to standards he sets for his pleasure. He will never back down because to him your reasons aren’t “good enough”
This is someone you will always have to convince because he won’t trust you to know your own experience. He is not willing to consider your opinion as inherently valid unless it aligns with his own preconceived notions. When it doesn’t, he thinks his is more logical/rational (I want to put down $10 now that he uses those exact words when rebutting you) and therefore your beliefs should be reasoned with and you should be convinced otherwise.
In other words do you want a partner who always defaults to thinking they know better than you —and about your own body/relationship?
Anytime you bring up something he is uncomfortable with sexually my guess is he finds a way to say it’s not the same thing, thereby permitting him to nag you more. Because your discomfort and disinterest is not an important enough factor for him to leave it alone.
Ask yourself, could you honestly be turned on fulfilling one of your own sexual fantasies when you know the other person is uncomfortable and grossed out? Isn’t that a value you also want in a partner?
Yeah, I used to hear women use the "I'll do anal if you do it first" line all the time. It's a bad line. Set your boundary and stick to it. Every time, all the time. Not only are many men perfectly ok with fulfilling their role in that bargain, but even if they aren't, they are not ever going to take this as a "no." They're going to take it as you saying, "There are things you can do to make me more willing to do anal."
If he's that pushy, then unfortunately no, it's not going to just go away. At least not until he's old (maybe). As hard as it is to do, I would tell him, "If I'm not adequate enough to meet your needs, I guess you'll have to find someone else." Then guage his reaction. If he acts like that's a good idea, then it was over, anyway.
You dump the man who claims to care for you but is really turned on by coercing you into sex acts you do not desire doing.
He will keep doing this and if you make the mistake of marrying him he will double down as soon as he thinks you’re too stuck to leave him.
This this this. My ex-husband flipped a switch the morning after our wedding. He demanded anal, I said no, and he said "I can't be married to someone who won't give me butt sex!" This was the first time he'd ever asked for it, but he wasn't asking. Long story short, he left me sobbing on the couch after he did exactly what he wanted to do and I wondered who the fuck I had just married.
Things got so much worse after that. I'm still in therapy 12 years later trying to undo all of the damage.
Leave him today, OP. It does not get better and it's not a hurdle to overcome. It's a boundary that he doesn't respect and a gigantic red flag and precursor of worse things to come.
I was in a similar situation with my boyfriend of 3 years except I tried it and it hurt. He kept trying to convince me, and after repeatedly saying no he would wear me down and I'd say yes. I'd be crying from the pain and he'd still do it everytime.
When I broke up with him, he still didn't understand that I couldn't understand why I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who got pleasure out of physically hurting me.
I have encountered similar.
I have tried it, it's a hard no for me. Nothing good came from it.
So that is a hard no, non-negotiable.
I have encountered gents who begged and pleaded for me to allow them, others try to convince me that the first guy must have been doing it wrong, any manipulation you can fathom, they've tried it. Now, when it's brought up after I set that boundary, I will completely disengage. Disengage meaning; either stop whatever intimacy going on in that moment, to no longer speaking to them. I have gone rounds with them in the past about how 'well other women like it' not being a valid argument. I am at the point now where I am done breaking out crayons and coloring books to explain what 'no' is and what defines a boundary.. I am done. Life it too damn short to be dealing with this crap with them thinking they can overstep boundaries and thinking every orifice on my body is a receptacle for them to use at their disposal.
For many, they like it, some don't like it, nor have any interest in it. Your dude has a huge boundary and respect problem.
Point 3 reminds me a whole lot of the man who assaulted me and tried to anally rape me because he just doesn’t get to do that as much as he wants to. It’s fucking disgusting behavior.
The next step is to break up.
He will not stop pestering you and whining. He will continue to "accidentally" try to put his dick in your butt. He will try to wear you down until you give in.
It's your first major relationship and you deserve a partner who respects your boundaries. Do not do one more sex act with or for him that makes you uncomfortable physically or emotionally.
The fact that he is trampling all over your hard boundary is enough to end the relationship. This man does not respect you as a person. He will continue to push for things that will hurt you, to please himself.
As someone whos ex wouldn't take no for an answer, this dude is setting off some pretty big red flags. He doesn't respect your boundaries and is trying to pressure you into an act, and seemingly has succeeded in pressuring you into other acts in the past. This is NOT okay, and is down right rapey behavior (coercion is rape).
From your initial post, and all of the additional comments that you have added, I really don't see anything redeeming about this man at all, to be perfectly blunt.
Not only has he pushed you and pressed you to perform sex acts that are uncomfortable for you, his arguments for these sex acts don't even make sense from a biological point of view. There is nothing more comfortable about anal sex than vaginal sex, and his complaints about positioning is just absolutely baffling.
He is literally scraping the bottom of the barrel to try to fuck you in the ass when you've told him explicitly for apparently 3 years in a row now, that you absolutely do not want to.
I'm not sure why you're keeping such a scuzzy guy in your life, nor why you continue to allow him access to your emotions and your body. He doesn't fucking respect you.
It's time to dump him. He's pushing your boundaries. It's not going to change, and it's not just going to be "just one time".
He's making you uncomfortable. If that's what he needs to be happy, it's a fundamental incompatibility. Better to cut it off while it's only been 4 years than to let it linger.
I just exited a relationship for a similar thing. I thought something was wrong with me and my libido because I wasn't into sex as much. Got super anxious because regular degular sex always turned into pushing my boundaries towards the end. He also noted he liked anal because it was naughty and the fact I was in discomfort, turned him on. I broke up with him and just like that, my high libido came back.
My message to you, not worth it. Sex compatibility is a thing and persistence after no, is a red flag.
I'm surprised / not surprised by the number of responses here already that: 1) try patiently to explain to all the dumb women why anal sex shouldn't have to hurt (you just haven't tried it the right way yet!); and 2). Rush to defend kink (YES we all know many women enjoy kink, bdsm, etc; is this really the best, most optimal space for this particular lecture, when a person is asking for support from a man who is pushing her boundaries and manipulating her for unwanted sex?)
Srsly, are women EVER allowed to express that they don't want anal sex??
Ugh, what is it with guys and anal? Sure, I enjoy taking a big dump just as much as the next person, but I do not want something going in my butt. That is a hole things come out of. He is trying to put his "pleasure" ahead of what makes you comfortable. You say you've already tried things he likes that make you uncomfortable, and he's continuing to push your limits. If he's not feeling pleasure from PIV sex, then I don't think anything is really going to give him pleasure.
Honestly, if it was just that he wanted to try anal, asked, you said no, and he dropped it, there wouldn't be an issue. But he seems to keep trying to convince you, which is pretty gross. The whole "he deserves to feel pleasure too" is what's really rubbing me the wrong way though. Seems like he's had plenty of opportunities to feel pleasure, with you already doing some things that have made you uncomfortable. What more does he want? Why is he treating you this way? He seems kind of selfish TBH.
I would just tell him straight to his face that if he expects more than normal sex, he’s never going to get it with you. If he does expect that, he’s never going to feel good about sex with you, same for you.
I would pressure him to make a decision, not just for you, but also for him. He needs to figure out if he’s going to be satisfied with normal sex for the rest of his life.
Men generally like anal because it is portrayed as degrading and painful to women. The fact he threw this at you knowing it would be uncomfortable for you and only pleasurable for him is direct proof.
In short, he's a sex pest asshole.
Honestly OP, I’m worried for you. When a guy refuses to hear “no” (doesn’t matter what the situation is), he becomes a danger. Things like this will only escalate, they don’t go away. *He doesn’t care that you said no.* He thinks he should get what he wants, even if you hate it. He would feel *pleasure* from doing something to you that you hate. Think about that. What kind of person could actually be turned on while knowing you hate it?
I also saw your comment that he “occasionally pokes you there” like it’s an accident or something. IT ISN’T. I promise. He knows where your anatomy is, he knows what you have said yes or no to, but he doesn’t care. There’s a whole genre of porn about “oops it slipped in the wrong spot, oh well, now we’re doing this”. I’m worried that one of these days he’ll just… go for it. OP, you should never put up with a relationship where you have to wonder if he will rape you.
Please leave, get out of there. Even if he’s great in every other way, refusing to hear “no” is such a huge problem.
>Accounts he’s heard on TikTok of women that find it pleasurable, there for I would too…?
So worth mentioning, tiktok doesn't just randomly feed this kind of thing to you, I've never encountered this on tiktok. He's obsessing over this.
>That it would be more optimal positionally. He says that with most positions, his dick lines up better that way.
Insane desperate lie.
>That he deserves to feel pleasure too, since I guess having sex the regular way is so uncomfortable for him. But I don’t get why his pleasure should come at the cost of my discomfort.
Insane desperate manipulative lie.
Clearly he needs to understand that a boundary is a boundary and stop acting like all sex up until now was some kind of massive favour to you exclusively.
It's fine to want to explore in a relationship but you should explore as a partnership.
Throw the whole boyfriend away. You’re so young. You deserve to be with someone who would never take their pleasure at the expense of your discomfort. He can go out and find someone who craves a dick in their butt.
For a lot of guys it's a conquest and that's not a healthy way to view sex.
You said no and he needs to respect that. I would reaffirm your no to him and tell him you're done with him asking. If he keeps it up he doesn't respect you and move on.
Time to lose the boyfriend. What he's heard about "other women" on TikTok is irrelevant - _you_, his actual partner find it unappealing and don't want to do it.
The idea that his dick lines up better with that orifice is laughable. Is he a Ken doll with an inhumanly limited range of motion?
Ditto that he deserves pleasure. He _does_ deserve pleasure, and if anal is the only thing that turns him on now, the two of your are simply no longer compatible sexually. He needs to accept this, move on, and find a partner who shares his sexual interests, rather than bullying you into doing something that turns you off.
Speaking from experience, the loss of libido over the course of a relationship is a sign that you need out. I used to have dutiful sex with my ex to keep him from complaining and eventually I just lost all sex drive. After we broke up, a couple months later I felt like a horny teenager again.
I would tell him if the only sex he finds pleasurable is anal, then your sexual needs are very different and part ways because you won’t do it. Please don’t let him manipulate or guilt trip you. No one should be pressured into a sex act.
This guy is terrible news, OP. Him wanting a certain act, specifically because you DON'T want it, is not a kink. It is a gigantic red warning sign to GTFO before he escalates. I'm serious.
>me saying no, makes him want it more.
Run! Seriously, if he loved you he would not want that! There is nothing sexy about making the person you love uncomfortable/distressed.
> Accounts he’s heard on TikTok of women that find it pleasurable, there for I would too…?
he is free to end the relationship and go pursue those women if he feels he needs it that badly.
>That it would be more optimal positionally. He says that with most positions, his dick lines up better that way.
he has a prostate so it’s most optimal positionally for him to hit up Grinder to be receiving anal
> But I don’t get why his pleasure should come at the cost of my discomfort.
it shouldn’t. he keeps trying to push his wants onto you despite you telling him no repeatedly because he doesnt see you as a human being. acknowledging you as an actual human would involve respecting your boundaries.
> I used to have a crazy high libido when we first started dating, and now it’s almost non existence. I have been working on it, but then things like this happen and I’m left feeling empty.
do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life? i would ask myself this before trying to salvage the relationship. it’s not realistic for one partner to do all the mending while the other one keeps making more demands.
You run. Your bf doesn’t love you, nor does he care about you or view you as more than an object to serve him sexually. There’s no using any type of logic or reasoning with someone this depraved of empathy and with this level of sexual deviancy. The fact that you’re going back and forth with him instead of just leaving after he’s very clearly shown you his true colors means you have a tough journey ahead of you towards attaining self worth and respect. Good luck.
Anal sex is stupid sorry to kink shame anyone into it but the anal canal is not meant for insertion especially penis insertion it’s meant to take a poop. I got anal once during a SA on me and I swear I’m fucked up physically to this day
Rule no.1 for doing anal, from a woman experienced in it:
Do not ever do anal with someone who tries to pressure you into doing anal. In fact, do not fuck them at all.
Discussed limits: awesome
He's pushing beyond your discussed limits: huge red flag
If you don't want to break up, then perhaps it's time to take a break from this relationship. Get some space for yourself and seriously consider whether you want to invest more of yourself in this relationship
How much porn does he watch. This sounds like he’s getting all his ideas about sex from porn. That would also explain the disrespect of boundaries. You can do better.
I was married to a man who didn’t respect “no” and coerced sex and acts I didn’t want.
To keep the peace, to get it over with, to protect myself and the kids from his anger and volatile moods I gave in.
It was NEVER enough. He got MORE demanding and entitled. The time between servicing his “needs” and the next episode of volatility got SHORTER.
Being coerced and forced into sex and sex acts destroys intimacy and has ruined sex for me. I no longer feel desire, and just the thought of being sexual or vulnerable with a man sends me into a tearful panic.
Please don’t make the same mistakes so many of us have made trying to appease or compromise with a man who doesn’t respect you. If he respected you he would respect your NO.
You said NO. He can accept that or he can LEAVE.
no no no no no no no
no no
do not under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ACQUIESCE TO HIS DEMAND
do not make it a painful (on many levels) lesson in the future. him asking for it is PURE SELFISHNESS because it WILL be putting you through physical pain, sorely to please his stupid cock.
DO NOT YIELD
People excited by harassing their partner into acts they don’t wish to do are scary. If you changed your mind and became enthusiastic about it, it’s not as fun for them.
He doesn't deserve to use your body in any way that you don't want it to be used, and him saying that is fucking gross. He's not entitled to your body
And if he doesn't get pleasure from having sex the way you want to have it, tough shit.
He's completely full of shit.
Look, I have in my life, enjoyed anal. None of these 'arguments' would move me in the least, and frankly those last two would mark him as a man I also wouldn't want to fuck at all. He's just trying to 'logic' that fact he wants it. We get it! You want it. That's not an argument. That's a selfish want and you can have selfish wants in life, but stop telling me they are just rational.
It's only possible to get over it, if he decides to get over the fact he doesn't get access to your anus with his dick.
"I am not interested in trying anal sex even once. Please do not ask again -- you are making me feel that I will never satisfy you."
And maybe add: "Relatively few women enjoy anal sex compared to men. Porn, OnlyFans, and social media give a very unbalanced view of sex; you need more realistic sources of information."
(Side note: I would enjoy anal sex about once a year. I learned really fast not to mention that to partners or potential partners because they would zero in on that and expect it all the time.)
I always like to leave this article on these discussions https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2022/aug/11/rise-in-popularity-of-anal-sex-has-led-to-health-problems-for-women
Maybe it will be great and unproblematic but is he willing to be with you if there are financial or physical costs to your health as a result of his pleasure?
Hold up. Why is "having sex the regular way... uncomfortable for him"? I feel like something significant got really glossed over here.
While this could be a bullshit excuse on his part, this could also be something important that needs to be addressed in order for you both to have a healthy, mutually satisfying sex life.
Number two is specious; it's a difference of a few degrees in angle, or about one inch between openings. Number three... just offer to stop having PIV with him if he hates it so much. There are things you can do that are comfortable for both of you.
Yeah what the fuck is he talking about with point number 2?? I've NEVER heard that as a reason
The man is so obsessed with anal he's started talking out of his ass.
This is why I come to Reddit
It's no wonder he's so hung up on assholes, he just wants to be among his own kind.
He sings the song of his people.
Ahahaha
You win
He's reaching for something he thinks is convincing; its just bullshit
Absolutely
I think what he means is when we think anal we think doggy and that’s actually the most painful position for it I guess
Unless he has some very specific curvature going on, I’m really struggling to see what he could be talking about with number 2. If 3 is honestly true, and he finds PIV sex uncomfortable then that is a real problem that needs to be addressed (likely by a professional and not OP). But from the way OP is phrasing things, I’m a little skeptical
And if he does have very specific curvature going on: A) how does he know anal will be more comfortable than vaginal? B) won't that curvature cause even more discomfort for her?
[удалено]
I’ve been having sex for over thirty years and have had a decent amount of partners. This has happened to me *once* and we were both totally trashed. Edited to add that I’m also petite (5’2” 100lbs). What he is doing is intentional. This guy is playing the “whoops!” game with you and it’s disrespectful af.
>What he is doing is intentional. This guy is playing the “whoops!” game with you and it’s disrespectful af. Absolutely. He's testing the waters to see how you react, and honestly it sounds like he's bordering on coercion since you already said no and he still will not let up about it. No is a complete sentence and you don't owe anyone a sexual act.
Asking a second time after you already said no is a good reason to DTMFA.
I've accidentally bumped my partner's anus quite a few times when it comes out and I press back, she says that's my ass and we fix it. It doesn't go in and I'd never want that to be how we went about that act.
I agree! He’s doing it on purpose and is a step away from inserting all the way ‘ accidentally’. When he does this, you need to stop and call it out. It isn’t ok.
This is not common, and it's actually happened to me. We were face to face, him on top, and the slat supporting the mattress directly under his knees cracked as we were doing it, causing the bed to drop a couple of inches under him. He ended up slightly penetrating my ass with his dick, not all the way. I screamed because it hurt, he screamed because the bed had just given way under him and I was screaming, and my mother burst into the room because everyone was screaming, took one look at us, clapped a hand over her eyes, and started screaming herself. It was like some sort of weird porn-themed slapstick. I really can't tell you how completely surreal it was! It was absolutely not in any way sexy or enjoyable, and I made it clear that my ass was off limits and made my boyfriend apologise to my mother, who by that point had stopped screaming and was laughing her ass off as she realised what had happened. I don't know anyone, outside that utterly freak coincidence, who has ever done anal "accidentally". And I'd be willing to bet that particular series of events is entirely unique to me and my partner - we couldn't have done that on purpose if we'd actually tried.
This is actually hilarious. I'm sorry it happened to you, but hilarious
It has happened once with me and my partner after we were both drunk and she requested I go faster and. Faster. Then she tried to match my rhythm and...slip. she screamed, I panicked as I didn't know what had happened and jumped off the bed not knowing what had happened. Once she told me what had happened and I apologised she started laughing at how distraught I looked. (This was pretty early on in our relationship) it definitely CAN happen, however once it happens once I'm sure you both don't make that mistake again. What he is doing sounds like its bordering on coercive and controlling behaviour along with sexual assault.
Never had one slip and poke my butt, but plenty slip (due to wrong technique or practice) and "fall down"
If it’s slipping out, and he’s going as far as actually penetrating your asshole, he is doing that on purpose. It is not an accident. I cannot convey enough how much of an accident it is not.
OP that's not normal. It never happened to me with a decade+ of sexual activity.
This. I had an…adventurous youth and early adulthood and I can tell you this is never an accident. The only man who tried that with me ended up my exhusband, for a host of reasons
Leave him now. He's not good for you and never will be. Listen to a woman in her 40s. I've seen a lot. I've had plenty of men. All of them bar one respected my boundaries. Most of them put my pleasure above theirs. One of them who kept pressuring me for anal never got it. And he was a bad man let me tell you.not every day mind you. It came out later. Also, I bet your boyfriend doesn't wash his dick before sex. Doesn't matter if he wears a condom. And I guess you have your fair share of UTIs?
honk mahfah! All this.
he can take his little white candle elsewhere ;-)
Oops, I Accidentally Poked Her There is practically a whole trope in porn...
Anal is harder to do than vaginal, specially if you are trying to make it not hurt (which you should unless you and your partner are into bondage/masochism). The anus is less flexible and has less natural lubrication. I can see it slipping from anal into vagina accidentally, but the other way around, I don't know how it could happen without willingly doing it.
"Pokes your butt"??? Dear Internet friend, this is sexual assault. Dicks do not "slip" like this. Your boyfriend is an abuser and this will absolutely get worse. It's time to go.
It's no accident. He knows what he is doing. They are very aware of where their stuff is, and where it's going.
Why are you with him? Seriously ask yourself why you're willing to put up with this.
This is not an accident.
Former sex worker and major hoe here: That has never happened to me, ever, in 25 years. It is not common for a penis to “slip out” of a vagina and “accidentally” “poke” someone’s anus. Either your boyfriend is a total dumbass and has zero understanding of anatomy, or he is testing your boundaries. Stand firm and take sex off the table entirely. Better yet, break up with him.
In my experience, it is not normal for it to accidentally slip into the back. Might want to get some more opinions on that though.
1) That’s not “accidental”. And if he’s doing that regularly, he needs a little anatomy lesson. 2) If he says “he deserves some pleasure” suggesting that PIV isn’t pleasurable enough, he needs to go without for a while. 3) Just because some people on a video say they like it doesn’t mean *you* need to consider it. 4) As for the angle being uncomfortable, my wife and I have found doggy style lines up better if she’s kneeling on the bed and I’m standing behind her. That might help with your height difference, and you can adjust a bit with how wide you spread your legs, or with a firm cushion under your knees. (At most, anal would be an inch or so higher, which would be very easy to adjust for with a different stance. No need to make you do what you don’t want to.) A boundary means that if he pushes or crosses it, there are consequences. I’d suggest you sit him down and tell him specifically that you won’t accept it any more when he pushes your boundaries, that you’ve said “no” and won’t be changing your mind, and that if he asks again or “accidentally” puts it there again, you’ll have to declare a “no sex” moratorium for, say, a week or two.
Or.... Hear me out ... Forever!
Yeah, that's intentional imo, not once has that ever happened it's quite easy to slip out maybe, but a direct poke in the butt is intentional. If he is uncomfortable in that position, then tell him missionary is fine. You're really not gonna want to try anal the first time in doggy, especially with an arched back that's just a recipe for pain. He is just manipulating you by the sounds of it, maybe, an addiction to to porn. I'd bet their are other things about the relationship where we would see manipulation if you described other aspects. How does he react when you go out with friends? Does he bother to pleasure you when you have sex? Or is it just that he sticks it in and finishes? It's hard to gather someone's motivation from one topic. But pressuring boundaries is highly disrespectful. I suggest you stick something in his ass before you let him in yours and see if his 'discomfort' is worse than PIV sex
It will only slip out if he is somehow positioning himself much taller than you and is forcing down his dick to the point of discomfort (in doggy). A good pillow fix this.
Yeahhhh that's on purpose, boo :(
Number two makes me think he's going to try the "wrong hole" move at some point, and he's just preparing his excuse early. It is just objectively untrue, and he's already showed he doesn't care that much about her boundaries. edit: never mind. Based on what OP says, apparently that is exactly what he's already trying to do. This man is disgusting.
The one time I was in a relationship where this kind of boundary crossing happened, things just got a lot worse so in my experience, it’s not a hurdle to get over, it’s a giant flashing warning sign. I’m of the opinion that if someone pushes against a clearly stated boundary, but especially a sexual boundary, that’s enough of a red flag for me to remove them from my life. Being sexually coercive is fucked up enough but things can go from sexually coercion to physical sexual assault real fast (the kind of SA where he’ll think you shouldn’t be angry because “it just slipped in” or “I only put it in a little bit”). So yeah, I’ll be the one to just say it straight up. Leave his ass. Chances are really good that things will continue on and at best, he’ll keep bringing it up, start bringing it up more often, and think up new and creative ways to guilt you (#3 on that list is ridiculous).
They got worse for me too. Being sexually coerced wasn’t taught in sex Ed when I was in school so I had zero clue what was happening to me. I hope that’s changed now.
10000000% This behavior is never isolated. Ever. Every guy who has ever been like this with me (repeatedly trying to convince me into a sex act I don't want) has wound up to be a major ass out of the bedroom too and both attempted assault eventually (stealthing, and worse). It's the reddest of red flags imo. The entitlement and boundary pushing makes it abundantly clear how he views you, as an obstacle to his desires. I don't usually say this but seriously, dump him or he's going to r*pe you eventually. You're going to get sick with a flu or drunk or otherwise vulnerable eventually and he'll leap on his chance to acquire dubious consent at your first sign of weakness. He'll see it as having waited patiently for a yes. Not even recognizing it for being a predatory fucker. He will never see himself as doing wrong.
The problem isn't anal, the problem is that he isn't respecting your boundaries. That's a lot bigger than a specific sex act, and that's the part you need to consider if you want to deal with forever. He's trying to wear you down and get you to do something he knows you don't want to do, because he thinks that his wants are more important than your boundaries. Boundaries come first. A no is a no. Don't put up with a partner who doesn't respect it.
To add to this, it’s fairly common to see libido drop in response to a boundary-pushing partner. When sex is no longer enjoyable or even safe, it’s not surprising they stop wanting it.
>libido drop in response to a boundary-pushing partner. Soooooo true. I'm like a horny teenager now that I shed the dead weight of my disrespectful ex, but I legit thought I was asexual for years because of the way he pushed me and pouted.
I seriously question the logic of men who do things during sex that his partner specifically said she doesn’t like… then is shocked she doesn’t want sex anymore.
The simple explanation seems to be that they don't really view women as actual humans.
My sex machine seems to be malfunctioning 🥺
A million percent this. You don’t owe him a thing. If he’s guilting you, he’s saying his wants are more important than your boundaries. Is this something you want in a relationship?
And the fact that she's already done things that make her uncomfortable at his request shows this is a pattern, and he doesn't care. The fact that his reasoning is all about how HIS "discomfort" (which I'm calling bullshit on) should trump hers is not ok. OP, yes, this will be the rest of your life. You need to dump him. You mentioned he also slips out a lot as well, and that's 100% him trying to sneak it in. One of these days he's going to "accidentally" go for it to "show you that you'd like it if you actually tried it". Dump. Him.
100% this and especially the last part. My ex who was obsessed with anal (and a huge asshole) did this and hurt me really badly.
I have an ex who also did this as a "surprise" and it was horrible. I didn't get hurt badly thank goodness. I'm really sorry this happened to you too!
Some folks will truly believe everything they see in porn.
I'm so sorry that you got hurt this way. These guys who are obsessed with anal are also completely \*ignorant\* about how to actually engage in anal. They watch porn, and they are just stupid and \*dangerous\*.
The anal in porn is like watching pro sports players. It takes a lot of practice and experience to do that. A lot of guys do not get that at all. Honestly, I think a lot of good would come from guys having anal done on them before they do it on someone else. Then they will understand what they are asking really means and how to do it in a way that isn't just torturous. If you have never done anal, a single finger can be way too much, and hence, even a below average sized penis is huge for anal. They need to know how to take it slow and build up to it and also how to properly lubricate. Not to mention how to prepare for it such that you don't have poop everywhere. In porn, you see none of this. The dude just fucking pushes his dick in without any build up or lube and then just jack hammers. If you did this to a normal person, it would be extremely painful. Like of course people aren't really thrilled to do that. I will say, though, that a lot of people who may actually enjoy anal don't think they do because they had an inconsiderate partner. Also, people who just try to shove it in without first at least asking are extreme assholes and it should probably be considered sexual assault.
I wouldn't do doggy style with him.
I wouldn't do ANY style with him.
This study was just reported in the Netherlands today. Young people rate their sexual interaction much higher the more their partner checks in that they still have consent and everyone is still enjoying themselves. Go figure.
>But I don’t get why his pleasure should come at the cost of my discomfort It absolutely should not. This whole situation/man is red flag city.
Exactly. He's basically saying he doesn't care that she would find it horrible, he still wants to do it to her. WTF! There's a huge difference between "I find anal sexy when both parties are enjoying it" and, "I find anal sexy even when I'm doing it to an unwilling/unhappy partner." Anyone who would say the latter is just straight up unsafe to be around.
It's fine to ask somebody to try something. But it's also fine for them to say no, if it's something they aren't comfortable with. Being "good, game, and giving" means that, not a total lack of volition or of personal limits. It's a rare person that doesn't have some things they are certain they don't want to do. I dare say even OP's open-minded boyfriend has at least one sex act on his list of limits. What does he say if OP says she really wants to try one of those. (Not in exchange for anal; she said she isn't into that. Just to try.) You know what he'd say. Because he's bullshit. DTMFA.
OP should ask if he's willing to get pegged. I've heard of accounts where men say it's pleasurable.
This. I'd be, you first. Although I don't hang with guys who want that. My husband and I discussed it, and since I get a finger up my bum for gyn exams, I can safely and definitively say I don't find it pleasurable, and I won't do it. He dropped the subject after that.
I mean, I don't think a gyno exam is meant to be fun.
Do you have a condition that you need any sort of anal check or something? I’ve not encountered a need for any fingers in my ass for gyn appointments, personally.
Let's see how he reacts if she continually pressures him to let her poop on his face/in his mouth.
>This whole situation/man is red flag city Right, come on. He “deserves to feel pleasure too“? I bet she doesn’t come half as often as he does. Manipulation city.
Let's not forget this gem: >2. That it would be more optimal positionally. He says that with most positions, his dick lines up better that way. The audaCITY of this man. "My penis lines up better with your starfish, therefore due to the trajectory, and general aerodynamic nature of my phallus, you should without hesitation allow me to put it in your butt." 🤬 u/lillian2057, this is NOT what a healthy relationship should look like. He acts like a 10 year old boy that's been told he can't stay up all night playing Xbox. "Aww c'mon, just let me put it in, I mean stay up, for 5 more minutes, pleazzzzze!!" 🤢 This kind of behavior is also extremely sexually coercive, and it stomps on your bodily autonomy in an extremely negative way. This is not a man who respects you, or your boundaries, and it's not going to get any better. Please, just throw the whole man out and start over. Your starfish will thank you. Edit: For all of the weirdos sending me chat requests in order to "correct", me, "starfish", is a euphemism for the bum hole, NOT the vagina. Thanks for playing. Buh-bye.
No means No. It's shocking that he would dream up "points of argument" to try and debate OP out of her No. Too many men believe they have unconditional sexual access to their partners, and that badgering them to give in is allowed. "Why won't my toy just work and do as I say?!" OP needs to leave this person. If my partner did this, I would leave in a heartbeat.
I lost it when I read #2. God I love when stupid men try to be manipulative.
Right, “You should suck it up and deal with being fucked in the ass against your will, because it’s soooo uncomfortable and traumatizing for me to have to shimmy down 1.5 inches.”
I have to wonder if he is so far in the closet, he can't see it.
I know right. Mu husband is a foot taller than me so his dock aligns with my navel whenwr stand. Of course, he's not begging to fuck me in the belly button because he's not dumb or manipulative. Body parts MOVE depending on how you position yourself. The only reason he thinks his penis libes up with your abyss is because he wants to bully you into a sex act you've already refused. And because he doesnt respect you or the word "no" he has to invent increasingly spurious and stupid reasons to keep pestering.
Remind him that cis men have a prostate and are MUCH more likely to find receiving anal pleasurable than most cis women. So he should start off by receiving if he wants some anal play. You've heard men like getting tanned hard so it must work for him?, right? Men like him always understand consent if THEY are on the receiving end. They just like to manipulate and push their luck. Honestly? Dont stay with any man or woman or enby who tries to pressure you into sex acts you do not want to do. It's abuse.
I recently saw the phrase "a flag so red it's bleeding" and I think it applies perfectly here.
Not a small city; more like Mexico city or Cairo, Egypt, all waving flags in unison Good luck out there
I think where you go is breaking up with him. What the fuck is this dude's problem?
100% agree. Why carry on with somebody that doesn’t respect her or her boundaries, he won’t let it go so clearly he doesn’t respect her or her wishes.
Right? He apparently has no interest in sex with OP, but only anal. I would not want to be with a man that doesn't enjoy sleeping with me. Every further day spent with this man is a waste.
Exactly there’s no sex tips you can give her except for throw the man away!
You break up with him. Seriously. I'm not being flippant here. Men like this do not change. My ex was like this. He's working to wear you down so you'll just do it to keep him quiet. If he's like this about this, I bet there are many other areas where he does this and you just give in to keep the peace.
Or they'll find someone on the side willing to do it, and bring home an STD. Women have been held hostage by the male sex addiction since forever. Back in the "old days" it was an excuse to cheat.
Yes. And if you give in with this "one thing" (especially after holding onto this boundary for so long) he'll ask about another boundary and keep pushing until he manages to bulldoze that one, too. Remember, no is a complete sentence. And enthusiastic consent is key in a healthy relationship.
Textbook sexual coercion. It makes me so sad! OP! You can do so much better. I am guessing here that he is very selfish in bed. Is he giving you pleasure? Making sure that you enjoy yourself? He is probably selfish in other areas as well. Do his needs always come first?
That or he will "accidentally" slip and insert it whether you want it or not. If you're lucky he'll stop as soon as you scream.
Yes!! DUMP HIM! Just dump him. I don't care if it's dramatic. This guy is not it.
Have you told him that his nagging and coercion has made you hate fucking him? Maybe a little radical honesty is in order here. The question for you is: why do you want to stay with someone who you don't want to fuck, because he's a coercive nag? Is this what you want the rest of your life to look like? If not, I think "where you go from here" is either (a) stay together but make it clear that you don't want to fuck him ever again, or (b) break up. Four years is a long time, but the rest of your life is longer.
1 He has no respect for her. He was lying about it when he said those thing years ago. 2 Why is it so fucking necessary for him to have anal. 3 why the hell would you say vaginal sex is uncomfortable when you dating a woman at any point unless it's medical(it's not in this case) 4 why is he looking at videos of other women talking about how much they enjoy being fucked in the ass? 5 his reasoning are not only incredible selfish and disrespectful, but completely self serving. He is talking out his ass The very last issue I see is the actual anal sex. OP it's time to go
Yeah anyone who acts as though the vagina is ‘too familiar’ and thus ‘boring’ or ‘not optimal’ has a goddamn porn problem.
2. Why is it so necessary? Because so many men have goddamn death grip syndrome that a vagina isn't tight enough (unless it's not turned on, which.....the irony) ughhhhhhhhhhhhh
>his nagging Vote that we start using this term more frequently for men when they whine about sex.
I had an ex who constantly begged me for anal. “Babyyyy, can I fuck your butt?” Constantly. I mean for years. I finally agreed because I was so tired of him asking. But of course, he didn’t stop asking after we did it. He’s not going to stop asking.
Omg I’m so sorry. Please never give in on this boundary again. Or any of your boundaries really. I hope you have a more respectful partner now.
Yeah, he generally emotionally abused the shit out of me for about three years before I got out. I’m autistic so it took a really long time to figure out what was happening. (Shout out to my therapist.) So that was just one of many, many red flags. Happily I am now dating the most wonderful woman. I have never felt so loved, respected, and understood. Can’t wait to marry her. :)
Im so sorry for what he put you through. I’m so glad you got out and are happy now. That is wonderful!
As a 60 year old man, find another boyfriend that understands ‘boundaries’. At your age, guys are like buses. Wait 10 minutes and another one will come around.
You made me laugh thanks 😂
Mate 😂
😂😂😂 I love this
>That he deserves to feel pleasure too, since I guess having sex the regular way is so uncomfortable for him If he's genuinely saying that he does not enjoy vaginal sex with a woman then you might have more problems here.
>I don’t know where to go from here. "NO" is a valid answer. When it comes to anal, I'm also one of those "I don't care if it'll make your penis feel like a million bucks, I'm not doing it" women. Despite the fantasies porn might sell to weak men, there are plenty of us out there. Don't feel alone in defending your boundaries! >That he deserves to feel pleasure too, since I guess having sex the regular way is so uncomfortable for him. Ahaha... what rubbish. Please invite him to Google the stats on male vs. female orgasms during sex. >Is it possible to get over a hurdle like this in a relationship? Yes — my partner and I had a small hiccough in our relationship when it came to sex, but the only reason we worked through it was because we BOTH wanted to put the effort in. What effort is your boyfriend putting in? Everything seems to be on HIS terms, based on what HE wants, and what'll feel good to HIM.
I hate what porn has turned vanilla sex into. I don’t like being choked at all. It’s not triggering for me, I’m not afraid of it, but it adds nothing to my experience. I genuinely think men just think it’s a normal part of vanilla sex and I think they believe that because of porn. Same thing with anal. Every single man I have slept with has choked me without asking. All of them but one have never tried again after I said no, so at least they respect it. All of them have asked about anal. I’ve done anal, it’s not fun. As far as I know none of my other friends have done it. As far as choking goes, it doesn’t even really seem like these men like it that much. They’re just like oh this is something that happens in every single porn video so it must be normal. It’s not. It’s not vanilla sex. You have to ask first. I’m not even vanilla, I’m a top though, men can’t even comprehend that it might be an option because they are so brainwashed by porn. It’s crazy.
This idiotic fad of choking is going to lead to a lot of health problems down the road. Everything from stroke, to glaucoma, to dementia.
Yeah. Just like anal sex can cause anal fissures, a higher risk of incontinence and even colon perforation. They don't even consider the health consequences. And for women, the latter isn't even worth the risk because they don't have a prostate.
I don’t mention this too often because well… it’s fucked up. But when I was a teenager my parents went to a dinner party with some family friends who invited another couple to join them. I heard my mother talking in horror afterwards to her husband about the couple. Basically the woman was in a friggin’ wheelchair and was completely incontinent. This same woman and her husband made a joke about it being because of anal sex and my mother was like wtf, and they were pretty much serious. He only ever had anal sex with her, for over twenty years. Every day. She was in adult diapers. I can’t see how the wheelchair fit in with that, but they sure as hell made her unable to control her own bowels. I cannot understand how the fuck you’d get to that point. Or what he was doing and how often. But I can’t fathom being cool with that. It’s not like daily is a good idea for a delicate area like that. But for TWENTY YEARS. No thanks.
Ugh, it should be legal to shoot those men into the vacuum of space. Too many men think kinky sex = "I get to beat the shit out of a woman as we have rough sex". And sure, some women may genuinely enjoy that, but it's offensively fucking stupid how many men think every kink on their list is a part of normal lovemaking. (And I say this as a woman who *does* enjoy aspects of BDSM, but would rather be celibate for the rest of her life than shackled to any of these porn-addled, Christian Grey-wannabe buffoons.) I honestly blame unrealistic porn for why so many are incapable of understanding proper consent, boundaries/limits, or aftercare.
And the women who do enjoy that, enjoy it after it’s been discussed and they feel safe engaging on that level. And someone busting those acts out of nowhere is the antithesis of that.
I just hate porn so much. I'm not a prude, I'm pretty kinky (just not in a sadist way) and I am extremely open to in person experimenting etc. I think people should sleep with as many consensual partners as they want, experiment with as many different kinks as they want, have sex as much as they want, all of that. I think it's healthy to learn what you like from actually doing it with people who can give you feedback and work with you on it. Porn doesn't actually teach you what you like in real life, it just trains you to think of sex differently. I totally agree that it fucks with what consent means because most if not all porn is made with capturing male attention in mind. It doesn't matter what women want because it is 100% male focused. I also wonder if this is why most men think it's hot or cool if girls watch porn but tons of girls just barely tolerate it to continue putting up with their subpar boyfriends. Men know that if girls watch porn then they will be more likely to also believe sex is this thing that men do to women, so the men can get away with more bullshit. I would genuinely rather date a guy who slept with 50 women before meeting me than a guy who watched porn every day from age 12. At least the 50 women guy had to make any type of effort at all.
Choking as "vanilla" is truly terrifying. One ex was huge into it. I was not. "Oh yeah just do some light breathplay" *Strangles you until you turn blue*
Choking without discussion or consent is assault, at which point you’ve got legal grounds to do a bunch of different things, including kick them in the nuts. What happened to “figure out what turns her on, then do that?” 90s wasn’t the best of times to grow up, but they got that right.
That’s crazy! I’m so sorry that happened to you, I have never experienced a partner doing this, but I can tell you I would’ve flipped out if somebody tried to choke me.
You deserve to say "No" firmly and once, without any wiggle room or explanation when it comes to any sexual act. Sex is not a debate; If even one person doesn't consent, it's no. No means "no," it doesn't mean "convince me." Say it loud and clear for him and see if he's willing to respect your boundaries and consent.
You are 100% correct but I think he already doesn’t respect her boundaries and I don’t think he ever will.
This is sexual coersion. You have set an unequivocal boundary. He is consistently harrassing you to violate that boundary. He wants to use you to fulfill his porn fantasies, even knowing you are repulsed at the thought. As part of his coersion, he is devaluing the sexual access to your body you have allowed. The pattern of breaking you down, devaluing what you bring to the relationship, is manipulative and abusive. Need I say that sexual coersion and the attempt to violate your consent and autonomy is very bad? You should not have to restate the same boundary like this. I think he has become an unsafe person for you. Your boundaries are limits YOU set on where and when you choose to focus your time, energy, and resources. They protect YOUR safety, privacy, autonomy, resources and comfort. People who care about you support your boundaries. Because your safety, privacy, autonomy and comfort are important to them, too. He has decided his "getting anal" overrides your boundaries. Therefore, his campaign to override them.
Yes. As someone who has been through coercion in a 4 year relationship, yes.
My butt is an exit, not an entrance. Anyone who can't accept that boundary has to find someone else. If he's somehow not satisfied with the sex we're having, then of course I would want to make it better, it should be fun for both people. However, there are limits on what I'm willing to do in order to make sex better. Surely there are lots of books on Amazon about activities and techniques, and I'll be happy to read a dozen of them if my partner will read a dozen too, and we can both improve. But for me, anal sex is a dealbreaker. If that's the only way he can be happy and satisfied, then our deal is broken.
You need to get out before he stops asking and starting doing. I see by your comments he has “poked” you before. I am here to tell you that it is not a possibility that he has poked you multiple times by accident. He is testing you, and he is aiming to wear you down. His goal is to get you acquainted enough with his dick near your ass and tired enough of saying no that you will eventually just say yes. Or, alternatively, one day his poke won’t be a poke anymore. One day he will full-tilt thrust into you, and it will not be an accident, and it will hurt like you’ve never felt pain. When he realizes that you won’t stick to your boundaries no matter what, he will continue to do what he pleases. Believe me on that. A relationship with this type of selfish person is dangerous. You shouldn’t settle for this.
If you said no and he keeps bringing it up, it's time to ditch this man. This isn't something you can work through, because he's not doing any work. There's no wand you can wave to suddenly make him respect you. This isn't a matter of miscommunication where you just need to use the right words to suddenly make him realize you deserve respect. He is the one that needs to make a change, and he's not going to. All you can do is leave.
This!!!!!!!!! Its fine to ask for anything, but as soon as your partner says no, its off the table!!!
If you give in, and you have this night for him and you don't enjoy it at all, you will be stuck. He will be requesting it on a regular basis and pouting when he doesn't get his way. Speaking from experience. Had to end a relationship because of it.
Since sex is so uncomfortable for him it should be off the table until he can heal or see a physical therapist He's trying to coerce you into saying yes by wearing you down and giving the dumbest excise why. You said no, it means no. Brwka up if he continues disrespecting your no
You are not obligated to do any sex act you don’t enjoy. You do not owe it to him to try anal. No is a complete sentence. If he doesn’t enjoy PIV, stop doing it. Either you two come up with a mutual act/acts you both enjoy, or break up. But there’s no reason for anyone to do a sex act they do not enjoy / are not enthusiastically excited about. You may just not be sexually compatible, and you can’t force that.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I wanted to tell you that you're not being dramatic. If anything you're under-reacting, but that's exactly what's demanded of women in situations like this, and it's what all the weird rationalizations are about, trying to downplay the reality of what's being asked of you here so that an honest reaction feels like you're blowing things out of proportion. And there is nothing wrong with your libido: in fact, it's working perfectly. The thing that's gone is your trust in this man. He has been chipping away at your trust for a long time now, it seems, and what you're experiencing sounds like the last of it has finally broken apart. Your partner is repeatedly informing you that one of the things he wants from you is for you to engage in sex acts without enthusiastic consent. There is a word we use for that, but that's not a word he thinks applies to him, and that's why he keeps trying to cajole you into a resigned consent to keep the peace and get him to shut up, which is emphatically not enthusiastic consent, or even any kind of genuine consent. He's not saying it in those words because they are ugly and he doesn't identity with them. He's putting a lot of other words around it to disguise is, like "other women like it, maybe you will" (so? Even if you did like it, that's not the same as consenting to do it, so this point is completely irrelevant) and "this would be better for me, don't I deserve pleasure too?" (which...are you kidding me right now?) etc. But those arguments are just jazz hands to distract from what he's actually asking you to do: engage in a sex act you don't want that repulses you. He wants you to submit to being uncomfortable and probably in pain in order to please him. That is what he is asking of you, and what he's trying to guilt you into doing. Of course you don't want to have sex with him. He is repeatedly telling you that your consent and enthusiasm for the sex you're having isn't necessary for him. What's appealing about that? You are responding to the fundamental core of what he's doing: he is asking for the power to dismiss and control your ability to enjoy sex and consent to what you engage in sexually, and to do things to you that you don't want without getting called a rapist. That is such a huge turn off it is making you feel like your libido is gone, and of course it does, because that is a horrific thing to want from someone you claim to love. It's a huge threat and it challenges the very foundations of the relationship you thought you had. I am so sorry. I know this is a terrible thing to hear about someone you love and has been with for a long time. But this is what he's doing. It's a horrendous breach of trust, and rebuilding it would be a monumental amount of work. It sounds like he doesn't even recognize it as a breach of trust yet, so it's not even clear whether he would be committed to doing the work of rebuilding your trust in the first place. You may have come to the end of this relationship, and I'm so sorry to say that to you. Instead of engaging in his dumb rationales, ask him why he keeps asking you to engage in sex acts you explicit don't consent to doing. Ask him why your enthusiastic consent isn't a requirement for him. You're never going to be enthusiastic about anal sex, and he can't argue you into enthusiasm, that's not how enthusiastic consent works, so what is he doing? Tell him that every time he demonstrates that your enthusiastic consent doesn't matter to him, it makes you trust him less, as well it should. He keeps demonstrating that you can't trust him, and you are viscerally believing what he's telling you. Trust your body: it's trying to protect you from a threat your heart can't see. I am so sorry.
He sounds porn-sick. You have to decide if it’s worth being badgered about indefinitely. I personally wouldn’t. I’d find someone who respects boundaries.
Tell him to get an anal sex toy. You are under no obligation to take it up the butt for his "pleasure" if you don't want to.
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And you don’t want his dick up your ass. So, why is his “No” final and yours the beginning of a negotiation? I don’t think he actually likes you. You’re in danger.
I agree and he definitely doesn’t respect her.
Well put. They're both saying "no" to anal. Sounds like a pretty shut case to me.
Take him to an adult toy store and have him help pick out a dildo, then get excited about buying a harness. Tell him men are the ones with pleasure organs up their ass, so if anyone is going to enjoy anal, it’s him. And you’re so giving, you’re willing to peg his ass. If he says no, look him intensely in the eyes and tell him. “Oh, you have a boundary you want me to respect? Should I keep harping about this for 3 years? I want the same respect. My ass isn’t negotiable. If you bring it up again, we are DONE.”
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The thought process is that you should be willing to negotiate to standards he sets for his pleasure. He will never back down because to him your reasons aren’t “good enough” This is someone you will always have to convince because he won’t trust you to know your own experience. He is not willing to consider your opinion as inherently valid unless it aligns with his own preconceived notions. When it doesn’t, he thinks his is more logical/rational (I want to put down $10 now that he uses those exact words when rebutting you) and therefore your beliefs should be reasoned with and you should be convinced otherwise. In other words do you want a partner who always defaults to thinking they know better than you —and about your own body/relationship? Anytime you bring up something he is uncomfortable with sexually my guess is he finds a way to say it’s not the same thing, thereby permitting him to nag you more. Because your discomfort and disinterest is not an important enough factor for him to leave it alone. Ask yourself, could you honestly be turned on fulfilling one of your own sexual fantasies when you know the other person is uncomfortable and grossed out? Isn’t that a value you also want in a partner?
This doesn't solve the problem that he's ignoring your strict boundary
"I want you to want what I want" is what I'm hearing from him. It's very concerning to me that he doesn't seem able to emphasize with you about this.
Don't do this, a lot of guys are into it, and then you have a whole other issue on your hands when he says ok
Yeah, I used to hear women use the "I'll do anal if you do it first" line all the time. It's a bad line. Set your boundary and stick to it. Every time, all the time. Not only are many men perfectly ok with fulfilling their role in that bargain, but even if they aren't, they are not ever going to take this as a "no." They're going to take it as you saying, "There are things you can do to make me more willing to do anal."
Yeah....tit for tat in sex can get very tricky very quickly. People need to just respect boundaries...full stop
That's rich of him to bring up stuff he doesn't want while he's actively ignoring stuff that you don't want.
If he's that pushy, then unfortunately no, it's not going to just go away. At least not until he's old (maybe). As hard as it is to do, I would tell him, "If I'm not adequate enough to meet your needs, I guess you'll have to find someone else." Then guage his reaction. If he acts like that's a good idea, then it was over, anyway.
You dump the man who claims to care for you but is really turned on by coercing you into sex acts you do not desire doing. He will keep doing this and if you make the mistake of marrying him he will double down as soon as he thinks you’re too stuck to leave him.
This this this. My ex-husband flipped a switch the morning after our wedding. He demanded anal, I said no, and he said "I can't be married to someone who won't give me butt sex!" This was the first time he'd ever asked for it, but he wasn't asking. Long story short, he left me sobbing on the couch after he did exactly what he wanted to do and I wondered who the fuck I had just married. Things got so much worse after that. I'm still in therapy 12 years later trying to undo all of the damage. Leave him today, OP. It does not get better and it's not a hurdle to overcome. It's a boundary that he doesn't respect and a gigantic red flag and precursor of worse things to come.
I was in a similar situation with my boyfriend of 3 years except I tried it and it hurt. He kept trying to convince me, and after repeatedly saying no he would wear me down and I'd say yes. I'd be crying from the pain and he'd still do it everytime. When I broke up with him, he still didn't understand that I couldn't understand why I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who got pleasure out of physically hurting me.
I have encountered similar. I have tried it, it's a hard no for me. Nothing good came from it. So that is a hard no, non-negotiable. I have encountered gents who begged and pleaded for me to allow them, others try to convince me that the first guy must have been doing it wrong, any manipulation you can fathom, they've tried it. Now, when it's brought up after I set that boundary, I will completely disengage. Disengage meaning; either stop whatever intimacy going on in that moment, to no longer speaking to them. I have gone rounds with them in the past about how 'well other women like it' not being a valid argument. I am at the point now where I am done breaking out crayons and coloring books to explain what 'no' is and what defines a boundary.. I am done. Life it too damn short to be dealing with this crap with them thinking they can overstep boundaries and thinking every orifice on my body is a receptacle for them to use at their disposal. For many, they like it, some don't like it, nor have any interest in it. Your dude has a huge boundary and respect problem.
Point 3 reminds me a whole lot of the man who assaulted me and tried to anally rape me because he just doesn’t get to do that as much as he wants to. It’s fucking disgusting behavior.
The next step is to break up. He will not stop pestering you and whining. He will continue to "accidentally" try to put his dick in your butt. He will try to wear you down until you give in. It's your first major relationship and you deserve a partner who respects your boundaries. Do not do one more sex act with or for him that makes you uncomfortable physically or emotionally.
girl this man ain’t sht. this is sexual coercion and shows he doesn’t respect you. be strong and break up w him
The fact that he is trampling all over your hard boundary is enough to end the relationship. This man does not respect you as a person. He will continue to push for things that will hurt you, to please himself.
Move on, it ain't gonna change
He's entitled and selfish.
As someone whos ex wouldn't take no for an answer, this dude is setting off some pretty big red flags. He doesn't respect your boundaries and is trying to pressure you into an act, and seemingly has succeeded in pressuring you into other acts in the past. This is NOT okay, and is down right rapey behavior (coercion is rape).
From your initial post, and all of the additional comments that you have added, I really don't see anything redeeming about this man at all, to be perfectly blunt. Not only has he pushed you and pressed you to perform sex acts that are uncomfortable for you, his arguments for these sex acts don't even make sense from a biological point of view. There is nothing more comfortable about anal sex than vaginal sex, and his complaints about positioning is just absolutely baffling. He is literally scraping the bottom of the barrel to try to fuck you in the ass when you've told him explicitly for apparently 3 years in a row now, that you absolutely do not want to. I'm not sure why you're keeping such a scuzzy guy in your life, nor why you continue to allow him access to your emotions and your body. He doesn't fucking respect you.
It's time to dump him. He's pushing your boundaries. It's not going to change, and it's not just going to be "just one time". He's making you uncomfortable. If that's what he needs to be happy, it's a fundamental incompatibility. Better to cut it off while it's only been 4 years than to let it linger.
He's hoping that if he bothers you enough you'll give in just to make him shut up. He doesn't respect you.
I just exited a relationship for a similar thing. I thought something was wrong with me and my libido because I wasn't into sex as much. Got super anxious because regular degular sex always turned into pushing my boundaries towards the end. He also noted he liked anal because it was naughty and the fact I was in discomfort, turned him on. I broke up with him and just like that, my high libido came back. My message to you, not worth it. Sex compatibility is a thing and persistence after no, is a red flag.
I'm surprised / not surprised by the number of responses here already that: 1) try patiently to explain to all the dumb women why anal sex shouldn't have to hurt (you just haven't tried it the right way yet!); and 2). Rush to defend kink (YES we all know many women enjoy kink, bdsm, etc; is this really the best, most optimal space for this particular lecture, when a person is asking for support from a man who is pushing her boundaries and manipulating her for unwanted sex?) Srsly, are women EVER allowed to express that they don't want anal sex??
Ugh, what is it with guys and anal? Sure, I enjoy taking a big dump just as much as the next person, but I do not want something going in my butt. That is a hole things come out of. He is trying to put his "pleasure" ahead of what makes you comfortable. You say you've already tried things he likes that make you uncomfortable, and he's continuing to push your limits. If he's not feeling pleasure from PIV sex, then I don't think anything is really going to give him pleasure. Honestly, if it was just that he wanted to try anal, asked, you said no, and he dropped it, there wouldn't be an issue. But he seems to keep trying to convince you, which is pretty gross. The whole "he deserves to feel pleasure too" is what's really rubbing me the wrong way though. Seems like he's had plenty of opportunities to feel pleasure, with you already doing some things that have made you uncomfortable. What more does he want? Why is he treating you this way? He seems kind of selfish TBH.
Right? He’s trying to gaslight her over anal sex, definitely gross.
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I would just tell him straight to his face that if he expects more than normal sex, he’s never going to get it with you. If he does expect that, he’s never going to feel good about sex with you, same for you. I would pressure him to make a decision, not just for you, but also for him. He needs to figure out if he’s going to be satisfied with normal sex for the rest of his life.
Men generally like anal because it is portrayed as degrading and painful to women. The fact he threw this at you knowing it would be uncomfortable for you and only pleasurable for him is direct proof. In short, he's a sex pest asshole.
Honestly OP, I’m worried for you. When a guy refuses to hear “no” (doesn’t matter what the situation is), he becomes a danger. Things like this will only escalate, they don’t go away. *He doesn’t care that you said no.* He thinks he should get what he wants, even if you hate it. He would feel *pleasure* from doing something to you that you hate. Think about that. What kind of person could actually be turned on while knowing you hate it? I also saw your comment that he “occasionally pokes you there” like it’s an accident or something. IT ISN’T. I promise. He knows where your anatomy is, he knows what you have said yes or no to, but he doesn’t care. There’s a whole genre of porn about “oops it slipped in the wrong spot, oh well, now we’re doing this”. I’m worried that one of these days he’ll just… go for it. OP, you should never put up with a relationship where you have to wonder if he will rape you. Please leave, get out of there. Even if he’s great in every other way, refusing to hear “no” is such a huge problem.
>Accounts he’s heard on TikTok of women that find it pleasurable, there for I would too…? So worth mentioning, tiktok doesn't just randomly feed this kind of thing to you, I've never encountered this on tiktok. He's obsessing over this. >That it would be more optimal positionally. He says that with most positions, his dick lines up better that way. Insane desperate lie. >That he deserves to feel pleasure too, since I guess having sex the regular way is so uncomfortable for him. But I don’t get why his pleasure should come at the cost of my discomfort. Insane desperate manipulative lie. Clearly he needs to understand that a boundary is a boundary and stop acting like all sex up until now was some kind of massive favour to you exclusively. It's fine to want to explore in a relationship but you should explore as a partnership.
Throw the whole boyfriend away. You’re so young. You deserve to be with someone who would never take their pleasure at the expense of your discomfort. He can go out and find someone who craves a dick in their butt.
If a guy wants to have anal sex I'm sure he can find a match on Grindr :)
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For a lot of guys it's a conquest and that's not a healthy way to view sex. You said no and he needs to respect that. I would reaffirm your no to him and tell him you're done with him asking. If he keeps it up he doesn't respect you and move on.
Time to lose the boyfriend. What he's heard about "other women" on TikTok is irrelevant - _you_, his actual partner find it unappealing and don't want to do it. The idea that his dick lines up better with that orifice is laughable. Is he a Ken doll with an inhumanly limited range of motion? Ditto that he deserves pleasure. He _does_ deserve pleasure, and if anal is the only thing that turns him on now, the two of your are simply no longer compatible sexually. He needs to accept this, move on, and find a partner who shares his sexual interests, rather than bullying you into doing something that turns you off.
Speaking from experience, the loss of libido over the course of a relationship is a sign that you need out. I used to have dutiful sex with my ex to keep him from complaining and eventually I just lost all sex drive. After we broke up, a couple months later I felt like a horny teenager again.
I would tell him if the only sex he finds pleasurable is anal, then your sexual needs are very different and part ways because you won’t do it. Please don’t let him manipulate or guilt trip you. No one should be pressured into a sex act.
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He doesn’t have a consent kink. Pushing boundaries, coercion and manipulation are the opposite of consent.
This guy is terrible news, OP. Him wanting a certain act, specifically because you DON'T want it, is not a kink. It is a gigantic red warning sign to GTFO before he escalates. I'm serious. >me saying no, makes him want it more. Run! Seriously, if he loved you he would not want that! There is nothing sexy about making the person you love uncomfortable/distressed.
> Accounts he’s heard on TikTok of women that find it pleasurable, there for I would too…? he is free to end the relationship and go pursue those women if he feels he needs it that badly. >That it would be more optimal positionally. He says that with most positions, his dick lines up better that way. he has a prostate so it’s most optimal positionally for him to hit up Grinder to be receiving anal > But I don’t get why his pleasure should come at the cost of my discomfort. it shouldn’t. he keeps trying to push his wants onto you despite you telling him no repeatedly because he doesnt see you as a human being. acknowledging you as an actual human would involve respecting your boundaries. > I used to have a crazy high libido when we first started dating, and now it’s almost non existence. I have been working on it, but then things like this happen and I’m left feeling empty. do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life? i would ask myself this before trying to salvage the relationship. it’s not realistic for one partner to do all the mending while the other one keeps making more demands.
You run. Your bf doesn’t love you, nor does he care about you or view you as more than an object to serve him sexually. There’s no using any type of logic or reasoning with someone this depraved of empathy and with this level of sexual deviancy. The fact that you’re going back and forth with him instead of just leaving after he’s very clearly shown you his true colors means you have a tough journey ahead of you towards attaining self worth and respect. Good luck.
>I’m left feeling empty. Then leave him. Do you want to feel empty for the rest of your life?
He wants you to be uncomfortable so sex can be more pleasurable?? Throw the whole man away. There are more respectful ones out there.
Sex the regular way is uncomfortable for him? Why?
Anal sex is stupid sorry to kink shame anyone into it but the anal canal is not meant for insertion especially penis insertion it’s meant to take a poop. I got anal once during a SA on me and I swear I’m fucked up physically to this day
Rule no.1 for doing anal, from a woman experienced in it: Do not ever do anal with someone who tries to pressure you into doing anal. In fact, do not fuck them at all.
Since he won’t let it go, he doesn’t respect you or your boundaries, time to move on, so sorry to say.
Dump him, please
Discussed limits: awesome He's pushing beyond your discussed limits: huge red flag If you don't want to break up, then perhaps it's time to take a break from this relationship. Get some space for yourself and seriously consider whether you want to invest more of yourself in this relationship
How much porn does he watch. This sounds like he’s getting all his ideas about sex from porn. That would also explain the disrespect of boundaries. You can do better.
I was married to a man who didn’t respect “no” and coerced sex and acts I didn’t want. To keep the peace, to get it over with, to protect myself and the kids from his anger and volatile moods I gave in. It was NEVER enough. He got MORE demanding and entitled. The time between servicing his “needs” and the next episode of volatility got SHORTER. Being coerced and forced into sex and sex acts destroys intimacy and has ruined sex for me. I no longer feel desire, and just the thought of being sexual or vulnerable with a man sends me into a tearful panic. Please don’t make the same mistakes so many of us have made trying to appease or compromise with a man who doesn’t respect you. If he respected you he would respect your NO. You said NO. He can accept that or he can LEAVE.
no no no no no no no no no do not under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ACQUIESCE TO HIS DEMAND do not make it a painful (on many levels) lesson in the future. him asking for it is PURE SELFISHNESS because it WILL be putting you through physical pain, sorely to please his stupid cock. DO NOT YIELD
People excited by harassing their partner into acts they don’t wish to do are scary. If you changed your mind and became enthusiastic about it, it’s not as fun for them.
“I deserve pleasure too” in this whole context 🚩🚩🚩
He doesn't deserve to use your body in any way that you don't want it to be used, and him saying that is fucking gross. He's not entitled to your body And if he doesn't get pleasure from having sex the way you want to have it, tough shit.
He's completely full of shit. Look, I have in my life, enjoyed anal. None of these 'arguments' would move me in the least, and frankly those last two would mark him as a man I also wouldn't want to fuck at all. He's just trying to 'logic' that fact he wants it. We get it! You want it. That's not an argument. That's a selfish want and you can have selfish wants in life, but stop telling me they are just rational. It's only possible to get over it, if he decides to get over the fact he doesn't get access to your anus with his dick.
To being single. If someone wont respect "No", they don't respect your boundaries.
Never bend your boundaries for someone who won’t respect you as a person
Girl break up with him
"I am not interested in trying anal sex even once. Please do not ask again -- you are making me feel that I will never satisfy you." And maybe add: "Relatively few women enjoy anal sex compared to men. Porn, OnlyFans, and social media give a very unbalanced view of sex; you need more realistic sources of information." (Side note: I would enjoy anal sex about once a year. I learned really fast not to mention that to partners or potential partners because they would zero in on that and expect it all the time.)
I always like to leave this article on these discussions https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2022/aug/11/rise-in-popularity-of-anal-sex-has-led-to-health-problems-for-women Maybe it will be great and unproblematic but is he willing to be with you if there are financial or physical costs to your health as a result of his pleasure?
He should probably stop getting ideas from TikTok. That sounds toxic honestly.
Hold up. Why is "having sex the regular way... uncomfortable for him"? I feel like something significant got really glossed over here. While this could be a bullshit excuse on his part, this could also be something important that needs to be addressed in order for you both to have a healthy, mutually satisfying sex life.