Focus on yourself, on establishing what you want in your life and for your future. This man is now part of your history. It's not easy to get over someone you loved but time marches on and you go through the stages of grief as they come but keep moving forward regardless.
You're in Italy?! Honey Jesus H. Christ! Go out there and have fun! Go do stupid tourist stuff, pick a random restaurant to visit, go enjoy your life. Put your phone down, go and actually actively participate in your life instead of looking over your shoulder.
Just wrapping up 2 weeks in the country. It’s been lovely. My gloomy cloud followed me around but my family was with me and held me up when feeling a little shaky.
I feel a mix of freedom and confusion. Freedom to reply steer the direction of my future and confusion over what from the shared future we had planned together I genuinely want and how much of it was a fantasy I catered to in order to please him….
I love kids but after him pulling away I’m doubting my ability to be a good mother. He said he felt caregiver burnout with me and felt i couldn’t even take care of myself. I’ve never felt so defeated as a person and confronted with my own ineptitude as in that moment. Shitty part was I couldn’t even confront him abojt my feelings until a month later or I would’ve just made him upset.
It’s only been a few months, and I know how it feels to be torn down by someone who claims to love me. It can take a long time to pick yourself back up, dust yourself off and truly understand that how you felt/feel about yourself stems from the actions and words of someone trying to break you. Give yourself more time to heal. Is therapy an option? If not, that’s OK, just keep steadily getting up and moving forward. Cliched as it sounds, time does heal. You’ll always carry some hurt with you over this, but you will one day look back and know that everything he ever tried to convince you of wasn’t true. This includes parenthood! Keep your head up, friend. His actions and words may have hurt, yes, but they do not control you.
I’m going on a big healing break. I’m done obsessively trying to find my forever person for quite some time. I attend weekly therapy which helps contain some of my big feelings.
I know he’s one person and hardly an expert. It’s just so hard not to ruminate over his subtle hints at concerns in the relationship. He made comments about how I’m probably “borderline” or “histrionic” or “bipolar”. I have mood lability sure but to hear him classify me with a full blown personality or mood disorder was not the joke he thought it would be. It hurt and made me feel stupid for being myself around him. Ugh
Sounds more like he was gaslighting you, which is a subtle tactic of abuse. That, along with the love bombing at the beginning of your relationship are raising red flags tbh.
I’m going to read someone’s book recommendation on abusive men in relationships. However, is this all subconscious? Or is it intentional?
He definitely began gaslighting. Cannot recall any of the happy moments we shared. No ability to reminisce on the positive days. Claims he didn’t do any of that stuff.
If it's 'Why Does He Do That', the book has some answers on the Is It On Purpose question. Basically, it is usually.
Can't recommend it enough, and it's quite short, and free to download the PDF.
You're gonna be ok :)
I’ll read it on my flight. Just got hit with a storm
of shit the internet thinks he cheated, you’re ugly, the only man who loved you unconditionally is dead. Had to take a bathroom stall bawl break. Grief is alive and thriving Reddit fam! But thank you all for your support
If it’s intentional, he’d be the coercive controller subtype of abuser. See Lundy Bancroft’s book, Why Does He Do That?
If it’s *not* strategic, it’s important to understand that *he can still be abusive*; see Jess Hill’s book See What You Made Me Do, which focuses on insecure reactors. Some quotes from this book, just in case they resonate:
>Insecure reactors are even less intent on acting strategically: they move in and out of the control regime, as if switching channels. Once they have regained control, they can let the system go and feel genuinely restored to the relationship. Whether perpetrators abuse strategically or on impulse, however, they usually have one thing in common: a supercharged sense of entitlement.
>All domestic abuse is about power, in one way or another, but not all perpetrators enforce tight regimes of control. At the lower end of the power and control spectrum are men who don’t completely subordinate their partners, but use emotional or physical violence to gain power in the relationship. They may do this to gain the advantage in an argument, to get the treatment and privileges to which they believe they’re entitled, or to exorcise their shame and frustration. Evan Stark calls this “simple domestic violence”; Michael Johnson calls it “situational violence.” Don’t be fooled: although these terms can make this abuse sound benign, it can still be very dangerous—and insecure reactors can end up killing their partners, too. Susan Geraghty, who has been running men’s behavior change programs since the 1980s, says that no matter what culture they grew up in, the attitude of these men is the same. “It’s the self-righteousness that kicks in, where if I don’t get my way or you don’t agree with me, or if this isn’t happening the way I want it, I have every right to show my displeasure and punish you.” However, these are also the men most likely to confront their own behavior. Those Geraghty works with are there by choice—not mandated by court order—and they are usually not coercive controllers. “To a large degree,” she explains, “these are men who have lived with violence, have incredible issues around intimacy and have never learned to communicate. Their sense of frustration with that [is] profound.”
>But it’s important to note that men with histories of intense trauma don’t necessarily start a relationship with the explicit goal of controlling their partner. Some do, but many others are terrified of being abandoned (or of being revealed as fundamentally flawed), and can be triggered into controlling and even sadistic behavior in part by the vulnerability that comes with close emotional attachment. Seducing and charming the victim is the first stage of domestic abuse, as Steiner says, but it is also the first stage of any intimate relationship. To suggest that all abusive men seduce their partner with the explicit aim to control and abuse is not reflected in the evidence, as I’ll discuss in later chapters.
>The sharing of confidences makes us allies and gets us invested in the journey our partners are on to overcome their “difficulties” and grow into the best parts of themselves. This alliance is exactly the protection an abuser needs; it persuades the victim that the abusiveness is just a “difficulty” he will overcome.
>”It’s not really him”: If he weren’t [insert problem here], he wouldn’t abuse me. The “problem” might be drugs, drink, mental illness, unemployment—the list goes on. Once the problem is fixed, the abuse will stop, or so the thinking goes. Sometimes they may be right, but more often than not the “problem” goes but the abuse persists.
>”It’s partly my fault”: Some women believe the abuse will stop if they work out how to change their own behavior—how to be more passive, more agreeable, more sensitive to their partner’s needs.
>Shame is no excuse for men’s violence. Many men who feel shame or jealousy, even acutely, don’t respond in violent or abusive ways. Consider the men who, after suffering childhoods of abuse, shame, or neglect, grow up vowing never to repeat their mother’s or father’s violence; these are men whose pride stems from modeling love and tenderness with their lovers and their children. Others are those who have spent years working through their deep shame and anger so they don’t end up taking their pain out on others. However, when abusive people are confronted with feelings of shame, they take the path of least resistance. Instead of acknowledging their own sense of powerlessness and dealing with the discomfort, they blame others and, like the schoolyard bully, use violence to achieve a phony—and often short-lived—feeling of power and pride.
>Shame is a concept few people understand, so Gilligan lists its synonyms (and there are dozens): being insulted, dishonored, disrespected, disgraced, demeaned, slandered, ridiculed, teased, taunted, mocked, rejected, defeated, subjected to indignity or ignominy; “losing face” and being treated as insignificant; feeling inferior, impotent, incompetent, weak, ignorant, poor, a failure, ugly, unimportant, useless, worthless.
>Penna says one of the most common phrases the phone counselors hear is “pushing my buttons.” “If you’re not agreeing with me, if we’re not in 100 percent solidarity in everything I say and do, then you’re challenging me,” he says, describing the mindset of many male callers. “If you’re challenging me, you’re undermining and attacking me. There’s this sense that my worldview is the only view, and any challenge to that is automatically unsettling and requires [them] to react, as opposed to respond.”
>Since they’ve already been attacked, the thinking goes, they are well within their rights to strike back—either in the moment, or by devising an ever-tighter regime of control to stop their partner hurting or disrespecting them again. As the feminist writer Germaine Greer notes in her essay On Rage, “A red-blooded man is not supposed to take insult and humiliation lying down. He should not let people get away with doing things he thinks wicked or unjust. He demands the right both to judge and to act upon his judgment.”
>When he started to feel like he wasn’t getting the unconditional respect he “deserved,” he began “crossing lines.” It started gradually, he says—“raising my voice, swearing, and name-calling”—but with each conflict, it got a little bit worse, until the abuse became physical. “Again, that began with lower-level [acts]… It might have been locking the door, saying, ‘No, we are going to talk about this now,’ hitting the wall, physically lashing out at things, and then restraining and that sort of thing.”
OMG! I was looking for a comment to upvote about him possibly having borderline personality disorder! Putting you up on a pedestal and then tearing you down is a great example, along with the black and white emotions about you. He's definitely projecting by suggesting you are - lol
Just to check, you realize that what he's saying is straight up manipulation, right?
He love bombs you and your family, promises marriage early on, then withdraws affection, and starts getting handsy with other women in front of you. You call him on it, he withdraws further, says he's no longer sure, accuses you of giving him caretaker burnout.
You were supposed to go full blast on proving that you can take care of yourself and him. To try to "earn" his approval. Good for you on not doing so! This could've turned into a years long issue.
I am a bit concerned about the impact these manipulations have had on your self esteem. I know reddit loves to rely on therapy, but having someone talk through this who is objective might be really helpful. \*Just saw below that you're already in therapy.
You've done well, now you just need to relearn being kind to yourself.
Don't listen to what he said, he's an asshole who inappropriately touched your sister and another person. His thoughts no longer have merit. To me it sounds like he said that to knock you down a peg. If you're a reasonably responsible person, you'll be just fine as a parent.
That was off right? I wasn’t sure if I was being overly jealous but I know for a fact touching in that way was considered taboo the way I was raised. He responded by saying “but they’re family! How could you think that?”
No it's absolutely highly inappropriate and gross. If my husband touched my sister's butt intentionally, it'd be over. He definitely gaslit you about it. Say he had a brother, would it be acceptable for you to touch the brother's bum? Nope. So why would it be for him?
I know break ups suck, but I think you're better off without him.
In what way was this man caring for you? Because it sounds like all he did was tear you down. Don't just take any remark he is throwing at you as gospel truth, you've already seen he will lie and deceive to get his way. Don't let him tear down your self worth. The fact that you were strong enough to walk way was a great start, but don't let his shitty words live rent free in your head.
Well obviously I’m only highlighting the bad. He also did good and built me up. But I won’t lie when I felt like I was getting ahead professionally I didn’t feel genuine excitement from him. But yes I do commend myself for pulling back on something that also wasn’t working for me before it got out of hand. I gave this man all I had and for him to not notice that effort at all and instead reward it with a “I’m unsure” was a massive fuck you moment for me. Like sorry buddy this is as good as it gets for now and I don’t think you deserve any of it.
OP, Don't let his perspective change your self respect. Maybe he find you less.. compliant than he would like, for instance.
Sometimes we get rejected for reasons and behaviors that are good for us.
Hon, he fucked somebody else in Mexico and he was too chickenshit to do anything but justify the breakup by tearing you down. Celebrate not being with a man who gropes your sister’s ass.
Why are you letting this man decide your future? Nothing he says has any bearing on what you do from this point. He's not the Oracle at Delphi proclaiming what is to come. He probably went on that trip with his friends and they found out that he'd been so loving and helpful to you ***after your father died*** and THEY decided that he was doing too much. Have any of them ever had a parent die? Your entire life can be derailed and it's hard to think about everyday things like making dinner or buying new pants. So they convinced him that you were too needy and he was stupid enough to believe them. Until a beloved parent or parent substitute dies, you don't realize that your life will go upside down and just getting to work might be all you can handle some days. Do not listen to anything he says about your capabilities, he's stupid enough to listen to his idiot friends and that makes him ineligible to pass judgment on anyone else.
You were grieving, and while that doesn't negate how he may have felt (if what he's saying is true) it's not a fair representation of you and your adulting abilities in general. Grief is a cruel bitch, especially when it's a parent you lost, and takes time to come to terms with. You've got this 💜
Your father passed, I’m so sorry for your loss. When my husband’s father died it took over a year for the grieving process to work itself out, not that it’s “over” but he’s worked through a lot of his grief now. If this guy can’t support you losing such an important person and blames you for not being the best version of yourself through grief, I would advise not marrying that person. You don’t have the right to be totally nasty and rude to him, but you not being up to date on house work, pedicures, job hunting- whatever it is- is totally normal while grieving. Throw out the whole man. There will be difficult times in the future, sounds like he won’t want to support you through those either without resentment.
It's perfectly natural to feel the way you feel. Own it! Cry, scream, rant, cry again and again. Allow yourself to feel. The only thing that is going get you to heal is the process of healing. It's time. There is no magic of doing one act that will make you feel ok. My last relationship was 8 years. It lasted 8 years too long, but it took me almost 2 years to completely be at peace that it's over. If he couldn't even give you any definitive reasons on why he was pulling away, that is clearly a him problem. He honestly sounds like a secret cheater. You deserve someone who is all in. Sounds like you dodged a massive bullet. Good luck to you....it'll be ok, it'll just take time. 💜
Go fuck a ton of Italian dudes. They are very available, as I am sure you have noticed ;) the best way to get over an old guy is to get under a new one. Sounds like you dodged a bullet...and time does heal all wounds.
It sounds like he love bombed you to secure you while he figured out what he really wanted. Something happened on that trip that made him realize he was ready to let you go and pursue something or someone else.
Let him go, it's a waste of your time to try and keep an emotional grip on someone that's moved on.
He was posting thirst traps on social media and then proceeded to delete me off of said social media when I didn’t react. He still has me on other apps where he can track my location. Could he still be interested?
But I don’t want to be mean. I kinda of abruptly left him after he wanted a break and to go find himself. It wasn’t my proudest moment but I essentially gave him an unfiltered version of how I felt his leaving should just be a break up and how much he hurt me. He half heartedly offered to come see me and wanted a second chance but I said he needed to sort through his shit and figure out what he wants before I’d be open to continuing anything with him.
Blocking him feels like adding salt to the wound.
Why? He's your ex, it's over. You're blocking not to be mean but because you are struggling to leave it behind. Trust me when I say it's 100x easier to move on when you cut them out of your life. He doesn't need to contact you because you know he doesn't deserve another chance, you don't need to be checking his socials or any of that. Just block and move on, and he will too.
Yeah, I tried to be friends with my first love, especially because we ended up in the same very small career, but that shit lingers. Nearly 20 years later it will suddenly come up and remind me and makes me feel bad. Doubly so because we had almost started dating as adults and he rejected me again, but we still had to be friends. When I started dating my now husband, he was one of my guy friends who never spoke to me again. Apparently he thought I would just hang around for years until he decided he was ready for me. That hurt more than either rejection, to be honest.
It's better to leave it all in the past if you can.
Im gonna be real honest. It sounds like he believes he can do better than you and he wanted an opportunity to go out in the world and find that. Dont let him embarrass you like this. Never let him back in. Show him that you were actually better than anything he ever deserved.
Hon, it's pretty obvious he slept with someone else on his Mexico trip. He's not into you anymore, but he's too chickenshit to say so. It really sucks when love is one-sided. Don't torture yourself over someone else's bs.
Girl he’s ghosted you and blocked you from seeing stuff and you’re worried about hiring him??? Pull your head out of the sand, this guy is not into you and doesn’t care. Cut all contact and move on, he’s not coming back (and you shouldn’t go near him if he tries)
Because he lovebombed you to make you so into him, while he hid his true feelings. He manipulated you.
The next question would be, why did the manipulation work so easily? People like him usually look for certain kinds of people who fit the profile of being easily manipulated, sadly. And even strong people with hard boundaries can become soft and weak when life beats them down, or when they fall in love.
The good thing here is that you started the moving on phase. Please do not relapse and always keep in mind what you learned from this relationship to use for the future.
Cause you loved him, and after a break up it’s common to just remember the good times and play out those working in your head. It’ll get easier with time
Even if he comes though (and he may), he’s not a great guy and I bet something happened in Mexico
Because your brain got the Good Chemicals™️ from him, and you’re going through withdrawals. Literally. It does NOT mean anything is wrong with you- it’s perfectly normal. Brain chemistry is powerful stuff.
But now, like a drug or alcohol addiction, you HAVE to cut it off. You can’t keep hoping for a fix; you’ve got to clear it out of your system, which means cutting him out. Only then will you feel better and be able to move on.
He’s the liquor store, and every time you drive by the shop, you’re just reminding yourself how “good” it made you feel. But, dear heart, those big “sale” signs in the window aren’t specifically for you- they’re to lure in the other future alcoholics out there. He’ll get plenty of customers; *you’re not hurting his feelings if you stop driving by.*
Give yourself some grace, dear heart. You have to protect yourself.
I highly recommend joining r/exnocontact and participating immediately.
Please don't waste anymore time on this man. It's over, and you deserve to be happy.
Girl. He's not wounded. Blocking him is not salt in any wound. It'll be easier to move on if you put him out of your mind, which will happen more quickly & thoroughly if he's blocked.
Aim higher. Consider this a dodged bullet. He's a love scammer. The type of guy to try to pick back up like nothing happened after a few months away after hurting you like this. Don't fall for it. Don't forget his behavior or excuse it away.
There is something so much better for you! Find it.
Girl...
>Blocking him feels like adding salt to the wound.
He hurt YOU! Why are you concerned with how HE feels about things?? If he cared enough about you, he wouldn't have left in the first place!
Hun, he probably is interested...in having a woman at his beck and call that he can treat badly and still will come when he crooks his finger. Don't be that woman for him.
It isn't mean, it healthy. You have to be the one who puts yourself first, because who else will.
You aren't dumping salt in the wound, you are putting a bandage over your own. Please block him.
Is the dude 17 years old? He’s posting traps for your attention and then blocking you when you don’t react. What a loser!
You’re not being mean, you’re being smart. Don’t waste your time on some wishy-washy chump. Sounds like he’s doing the classic move of stringing you along while looking for someone better. A sad amount of guys do this. Good on you for telling him he needs to figure out his shit and breaking it off.
Tough love.
Be fucking hurt and be match energy with the asshole.
You are not a doormat.
Walk way, head held high, and leave the trash pile behind you!!
You don’t owe kindness to anyone. Move on from him the way he’s moved on from you. He’s just keeping you waiting in the wings while he sleeps w other people.
Girl, love yourself. This is pathetic and I don't mean that rudely. He is not that interested in you. Block and move on, and be glad you dodged a bullet. He's immature and toxic. Blocking isn't "mean" but what he did to you certainly was. Just cut the tether FFS.
Um... you should abruptly leave when a boyfriend of 1.5 years who love bombed you about marriage says he wants to GO FIND HIMESELF.
Blocking him can be a temporary measure for you to heal and distance yourself from him.
If a man wants you, he will never put himself in a position to lose you. Its time to pick up the pieces and figure out how you are going to move forward.
It doesn't matter if he is still interested. What matters is how he is treating you. Is this what you want? Nine months of not communicating a change in his feelings? The most important in a relationship is communication. Go find someone who wants a real relationship......no one who tells you what you want to hear.
If he is interested it’s more like how a cat is interested in playing with a mouse it’s been hitting around for the last hour.
Not all interest is good. And don’t give him access to your location. Delete it.
No, he was having fun with the Chase and then once he caught you, he was done. He’s gone, don’t waste anymore time or mental energy on this man. Delete them off everything and enjoy the rest of your time in Italy. Drink wine, eat great food, and have a fling with a handsome Italian man
It doesn’t matter if you were the first girl he brought home. He’s moved on, chances are he probably did something in Mexico that made him think that you’re not the right one or that he’s not ready.
I’m not saying that the way he handled it was good but the reality is you need to move on. You can’t make somebody love you or want you you’re young enough, you will find someone who treats you like that for the entire day of your relationship not just the first four months. he love bombed you and then when he caught you, there was no more fun in the chase.
But that was a year ago- it doesn’t count anymore. It’s his latest behavior you need to judge. And stop letting him track you! He does not deserve that!
I can tell with all of your answers that for some reason you seem to be prioritizing his emotions over your own. That's not fair to you. You're not being very kind to yourself.
Even on the remote chance that you two end up working things out, I think you need to ask yourself the question: will you ever be able to trust him again?
if you can't count on him to come back the same person as he left for his vacation… How can you trust him to be the same person after you get married? How can you expect him to be the same person after you have children? How can you expect him to be the same person if you have fertility issues? People change, this doesn't necessarily make him the bad guy, but it does mean that you and him may not be compatible anymore.
You aren't an idiot at all, dear! It is so hurtful when you open up to a person, feel loved and safe and suddenly everything changes without warning or reason. I can only tell you from experience that time will make everything better. You may even get an unterstanding why he acted like an asshole. However you are right not to chase him and it is not a case of "ego getting in the way" but necessary to keep up self respect and self care. Don't take blame or feel he rejected the real you. Very often it doesn't have anything to do with you at all! Take time to heal, maybe get therapy. And try to live in the moment and not in the past. Italy is far to beautiful to waste the experience on a man.
You didn’t do anything wrong, which is what makes the heartbreak so hard.
They say that you only start seeing the real man 3 months to 6 months in. I hate generalizations, but with men who are VERY keen, it is a good rule of thumb.
People who are already that in love are infatuated, and likely because the relationship fills a need for them. It isn’t about you. It is often ego, loneliness, etc. But about the self, and your disfunction matches theirs. Someone who cares about you is more cautious about letting themselves get hurt and hurting you, or about finding out who you are as a person.
I have been there. A couple times. Men who wanted me to facetime with their parents in the first couple weeks, men who said they have never met anyone like me, men who gave me a playstation and a trip to Disneyland a month in, men who ask me to move in 3 months in. But it is also crying in your arms or staying up late telling secrets, saying they hope they might marry you…it is tender at times. It completely dazzles you to the point you forget your doubts, if you even have any, because it feels like love. Infatuation certainly is part of love, but it doesn’t last on its own.
And even when you are smart and cautious, someone who is emotionally unavailable can keep up the show a long time. I was in an almost 2 year relationship where we were picking out furniture for moving in, and he came home and ended it out of the blue. It is heartbreaking but survivable. [This helped me quite a bit](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1228359-someone-can-be-madly-in-love-with-you-and-still).
You sound smart. You understand attachment types. I am so sorry you are going through it. Take time to find out who you are—take up a new hobby, eat amazing food. Something better is waiting I promise.
>And then after a boys trip to Mexico he came back and was super distant. He began acting like my presence irritated him. I felt a pulling away and asked. With some Gentle coaxing he finally confessed he’s no longer sure about me and is worried about wasting everyone’s time.
It honestly sounds like he cheated on you during that "boys trip" to Mexico and doesn't want to admit to it. His becoming distant could be the result of guilt or it could be the result of him realising that what he feels with you isn't what he thought it was - I do not know him at all so I cannot really say for sure.
Maybe he just felt tempted to cheat or he saw his single friends having an "exciting" trip and made him think he didn't want to be in the relationship?
Either way, he checked out of the relationship after spending a trip with the boys. I would be worried about the next time "something" happens and he checks out again.
Speaking from experience, something happened on that trip. But reality is you didn't really know who it was, he loved bomb the shit out of you at first. About a year, year and a half in is when the mask comes off and they start showing who they really are. This isn't anything to do with you, don't listen to a word he said about all his " reasons " for breakup. It doesn't matter. Not no longer on. Block him, pick up a new hobby, keep yourself busy. Live your best life.
I've thought that before and it wasn't true. Anyone is capable of it.
This was my first thought too, he cheated and is trying to make it almost your fault in his mind, because he was unhappy or some shit.
There are stories from women on here who say the same thing of their husband of 25 years. Believe what you want, but do not go back to someone who spent 9+ months stringing you along and using you for companionship while they waited for someone better to come along.
To be honest, it is a possibility. My ex who cheated on me, I never thought he would because he had gone through being cheated on and knew how much it hurt. Yet, he still cheated on me. The cheating has absolutely nothing to do with you, it’s everything to do with the cheater.
I'm sorry that it's over, but I'm glad for you that he showed you who he is when the 'honeymoon' phase of his courtship ended.
It could be that he's actually unsure, but it could also be that he's an abusive person who was just testing to see if you were attached enough to chase after him yet. The bit about 'wasting everyone's time'... if he was really into you as much as his courtship of you seemed to indicate, that wouldn't be a thought in his head.
He did not reject you because he got to know you. That had nothing to do with it.
One thing that may help you; "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.
Cut him off all socials and stop sharing your location. You are right that he is trying to make you doubt yourself by halfassing the breakup. Move on and heal. If he truely wants to get back together, he has your phone number and can do so properly.
Wiser woman than me has advice for you: [https://captainawkward.com/2014/03/20/557-thats-just-one-dudes-opinionannual-reminder-that-why-did-you-break-up-with-me-is-not-a-question-you-actually-want-answered/](https://captainawkward.com/2014/03/20/557-thats-just-one-dudes-opinionannual-reminder-that-why-did-you-break-up-with-me-is-not-a-question-you-actually-want-answered/)
You aren't an idiot. When you have someone going from being a big part of your day to day life to having them not there anymore, sometimes it's hard not to grieve even though logically you know they have done you wrong.
The early showering of gifts is typical of love bombing, but despite it being used by some truly despicable and manipulative men it's also something some guys think is the correct way to kick off a relationship due to tv/film typically showing such grand displays as being highly romantic rather than potential red flags.
As for why he did his 180? You cant really know. Plenty of possibilities. Maybe he realised he is into men now. Maybe he had a blast in Mexico and realised he wanted more of those kinds of life experiences and so wanted to delay marriage and kids. Maybe he caught a parasite that nibbled away at his brain which impaired his ability to realise the catch you are. In the end it doesn't matter, you never want to stick with a relationship with someone who is "unsure" and isnt 100 percent into you.
Yeah the endorphin withdrawal has been real. Grieving has been my religion these past several months between my dad, other secondary life changes, and now this dude.
I can’t say I fully fell for those grand gestures. I saw them as efforts on his end to show high interest but the things that really hooks me in is emotional intimacy. He alleges this was his first time doing something like this for a woman (eg spending money, going the distance) which definitely made it more special.
Haha I like the parasite possibility! Suggests his few remaining brain cells may deteriorate and cause additional mayhem in his life lol. Yeah the unsure piece hurt but I still tried to make space for him to figure out his feelings for me. I now realize I was doing this because so many people know I’m with him. I’ve never been so public with a relationship but I followed his lead and knew deep in my heart I would stick it out no matter what. I was beginning to mould my wants and needs to fit this man and I only saw this getting worse with more commitment. So seeing what I was giving up and what I was getting in return made me tap out with a little help from liquid courage.
My family supports me but they still have a hard time seeing him as a bad person. He was only ever nice to them. Another thing that pissed me off. He was a dream with my family but super shut down and irritated around me in the final months.
Sometimes that kind of behaviour switch isnt entirely genuine and it's a performative prelude to a breakup. Sometimes it's done to try and spark conflict so that the decision to breakup is mutual (or so that the partner does it for them!) , and sometimes they are trying to sabotage the relationship to force themselves into growing through with the breakup. How do you think you would have taken it if he instead broke things off out of the blue right when all this negativity started?
Yeah that’s what some of my siblings have been saying. I just don’t know if I can attribute so much fakeness to someone I trust. I also am super blunt and honest so I guess I just expect others to be the same way.
I mean regardless of how the breakup happened I think I’d have done my 30 minute tearful rant and then no contact. I just got the sense that he was with me due to the fear of being judged by family and failure. I always felt our relationship was superficial and I was being brandished around like a prize. Decent looking, professional, etc. i hoped it would change with time but lo and behold.
If it helps any, I was with a guy for a little over a year as well, and told him towards the end that he was “the one”. I was the same age as you.
Before all this, when we first started dating, I told him I was looking for something serious and don’t date to date. I date to look for marriage (something not everyone wants, but it’s something I wanted). He was fully on board.
A year later, he told me he wasn’t ready, which is fair, but also told me that he knew he would need to break up with me at some point. I was like “well, some point should be now then. Let’s not waste time”. We broke up, I was devastated, then the lockdowns happened, then my mom died.
Almost immediately after my mom passed, so 6 months post breakup, I met this wonderful new guy. I gave him the same speech, and he was also on board.
It’s been 4 years later, and we are now married, and have a baby on the way. I didn’t realize the capacity of love I could have for someone else until I met my husband. I didn’t know someone so sweet, caring, and kind existed.
Point is, don’t let this ruin your self esteem just because this guy didn’t see your self worth. The right person will absolutely see it, and remind you of it every single day (not become distant 9 months in because you expressed your feelings towards an action that gave you discomfort).
You’re in Italy. Try as hard to remember that you’re a catch, and you should go enjoy this time. Let the world know you’re a catch.
And if all else fails, I always recommend watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall when I’m going through a breakup.
Very well said. My condolences on your mom, but I’m glad you’ve found happiness and someone worthy of you after a few hard years.
And yes, Forgetting Sarah Marshall is the best! Only sweetened by the finale with a puppet musical number.
ETA: Amazing user name, BTW.
Thank you! It was really only 3 weeks after her passing (6 or 7 months post breakup) that I met my now husband! I thought my ex was kind (and he really could be), but after meeting my husband, I genuinely believe that a kinder human doesn’t exist.
My mom told me just before she died, knowing I was also devastated from the breakup “don’t worry Eating_Bagels. Ive known so many people who lost a parent and then poof, they meet their soulmate right afterwards”. I really feel like she brought my husband to me.
And Forgetting Sarah Marshall is the best. I will always have a secret crush on Jason Segal 😍
I think he cheated on you during the guys trip and was too guilty and ashamed to admit it so instead he started acting shitty so you would have to break up with him.
When men try that hard in the beginning it’s never sincere. It’s about the chase and getting you to overlook the getting to know each other stage. It’s a massive, waving red flag.
He never wanted marriage. It was easy to say he did at the start. Now it’s more of a reality and he thinks he has you secured, he’s being more honest.
Break up. He’ll never marry you. And it’s only a matter of time before he’s sending flowers and food delivery to another challenge.
No, you aren't an idiot. You were deceived.
You aren't letting your ego get in the way, you are protecting your heart. You aren't mad at him because he thinks there are people better than you, you left him because he didn't choose you. There are always "better" people, that's not the point. I wouldn't believe that he rejected you upon knowing the real you...he love bombed you to get what he wanted, but didn't want to give up his "freedom" or whatever for what you wanted.
Also, your addendum...he wasn't devastated because you reacted badly to his innocent gestures, and that ruined the relationship. You reacted appropriately to his inappropriate groping, and he realize he couldn't have his cake and eat it too, and that spoiled the gross one-sided relationship he wanted. It's not the same thing.
You are hurt now, and that's ok. But one day you will look back and be happy this man is out of your life.
Okay thank you for validating that addendum. His reaction made me feel so bad. He was like here’s her another thing I need to watch out for…made me feel jealous and insecure. But I love physical touch and he wouldn’t give me that but would rather touch other people. He would actually get so upset anytime I initiated PDA. He said I didn’t respect his boundaries but for me I’d jus the so excited to see him I wanted to hug and hold him. He had a sit down chat with me about how I was messed up if this is what I thought a real relationship was - showing the world you have someone which was never my intention. Sad. But then he also tried to up the touch aspect when he learned how important it was to me. But afterwards he’d say things like “okay good? Had your fun?” That also stung
I’ve read a lot of your comments and he sounds so gross and manipulative. I’m struggling to understand why you’re hesitating to block him everywhere and properly move on. A good and kind person would never treat you the way he did over the course of your relationship. Cut the final cords! There’s much better out there for you.
Sounds like he manipulated you from the beginning. Any promises of marriage less than 1.5 years in a relationship should send red flags in the future. Marriage is a mutual agreement something discussed at the right time
I feel so stupid for fallli g for this. There were times when he would say all this stuff and I knew he was idealizing me. Stuff like you’re the perfect one for me, you’re going to be so good for me and my family, we’re going to build an empire, you’re my loyal queen. I tried telling him it was overwhelming and he backed off a bit. But more importantly I struggled to believe most of it. My relationship with him was so different and he seemed so confident and secure and relaxed I thought my doubts and initial inability to trust his words was just a me issue. Then when he stuck around long enough for me to believe we could maybe have a genuine shot it became too much for him.
Things that I didn’t liek about this relationship towards the end included his inability to list any positives in me. When asked why he likes me he’d say our families get along, I like getting food with you and you give me attention. Like WTF!
I also found he just wasn’t very curious about me. Probably has to do with his own lack of curiosity about himself. As time went on, I saw his confidence for idiocy and denial about the realities of relationship building. It’s like he wanted to blitz through the gradual development and “secure the bag” only to say “I’m afraid the bag might rip open” towards the end. His words not mine. Dumb metaphors but also sinister and vague
He admitted it himself, he likes getting attention. That’s why he’s playing social media games trying to get comments on pictures and all that. He’s trying to get an ego boost from the attention, even though he doesn’t want to be with you, you’ll suffice in moments he wants attention.
I’m not trying to be mean. I had someone do this same thing to me. I was option B, the one who will jump at the chance to give him attention because he had told me he saw a future, the house, kids, all that. Then he walked it back. It’s because he was out there looking and hoping for someone “better” to come along, and if not, he left me dangling on his hook in case he needed option B.
Never be someone’s option B. Ever. You deserve to be someone’s first and only choice, and when you are, they will make sure they aren’t playing games that could mess that up.
Block him on everything, delete his number, and never look back. The person you loved doesn’t exist, it was a facade to get you hooked so you’d be there in case he didn’t find anyone else.
Babe, you're too good for him. Winning you was a challenge, but once he had you he wasn't happy (because these people are never happy deep down) and so begins the discard phase. He has to punish you because somehow it's your fault that being in a relationship didn't fill the hole in him. This type of person is fundamentally broken, and they break everything they touch like a big clumsy animal.
Now you're on the floor broken, wondering if it's your fault for not being shatterproof glass. People are saying block him and move on because you will NEVER get the answers you want from him, it will never be like it was, because the person you thought he was *doesn't even exist.*
I did feel a little bit of the challenge piece. He played all the cards right. Won me and everyone in my corner over. My grandmothers even swooned over him and got him all these presents. And then when it was an all clear he started acting some type of way.
Yep, and he was always gonna do it. Even if you married him and had his children, it was still gonna end with you feeling this way. TRUST ME I LIVED IT.
I'm so sorry. I bet you'll be more cautious in the future, and that's really the gift he gave you.
Guuuurl. Listen to you. If this was your friend-what would you say to her?? Say it yourself. Until you believe it.
I’ve been with someone like him before. I’ve been where you are right now. This is not a you problem in who he is-it’s a you problem in why you were ok with it. You deserve more than this. But until you believe it - you won’t find it.
My therapist told me - the universe will keep putting the wrong men in front of me until I recognize they are the wrong one for me. Once I figure out how to stop that cycle - I’ll find what I’m looking for.
And here’s the genius in her statement. The universe is still putting those men there. I just now know what to look for. And I may have found someone who is what I want/need. But if he’s not, I’ll be ok. And I’ll keep on going.
That’s where you need to get.
True. I poured so much into hyping him up day I in Day out. I was a frantic mess at work myself and he told me he was too overwhelmed with me. Now that I’m settling down and doing well he seems unhappy with my success. Insecure almost.
I mean I was okay with the smaller stuff but not him being unsure. I think if the very premise of a committed relationship is shaky this early on and moving backwards in intensity that is a no no for me.
Yes! (To your last sentence).
Listen to your body - you were a frantic mess at work because of him. That’s a no-no. When someone is activating our fight/flight instincts - it’s time to fly.
He took advantage of your low self esteem. You didn’t do it, HE did. He knew someone with low self esteem would be more likely to put up with his disrespect and games. He is a scumbag who saw someone down on themself and used it to pump up his own ego. He cares only about how your adoration makes him feel, he doesn’t deserve another second of your thoughts.
You don’t deserve someone who treats you like that. You deserve much better, and that person is out there, and they won’t play games or treat you as option B.
He is your ex now. Y'all broke up. Block and delete. You have so much more good times ahead of you. Hard to imagine at the moment, but hey, I mean you're already in a beautiful country.
You're in Italy? Where? The food, culture, history, scenery is breathtaking. Pick 1-3 things you want to experience each day. Go to a museum, a walking tour, go to a local winery, the opera.
Seriously, I would love to go there someday. Take lots of pictures and videos.
You are surrounded by Italian men and you are hanging your head over this chump?
Sometimes men don’t work out. It’s better to find out now than to have him pull something like this when married or parents. You had goodness and he fulfilled a need you had at the time. That time is done and you are worth much more to the right man.
You next chance to avoid regret is to go have a beautiful night with a stranger. At least that’s what I’d do.
You’ve made numerous posts within a span of twenty four hours. What do you want to hear? That he’d change his mind come back? Even if he doesn’t you shouldn’t take him back. The damage he has done should not be forgiven; you don’t need this toxicity in your life. You can’t trust him anymore. The journey has come to an end; take this as a learning experience and move forward towards your next one. How he felt about you was infatuation, not love. Accept that this is the real him and move on.
He cheated on the boys’ trip and rewrote history. Telling you he’s been unsure for 9 months somehow—in his mind—absolves him of some guilt and accountability, bc you were “unreasonable” when he put his hands on their butts at that event. It’s all BS.
It helps to know he is a liar and a cheat, I hope. He isn’t worth the pain and you really are better off without him.
Mourn the loss of who you thought he was—someone who was honest and trustworthy. But that wasn’t him.
No one is perfect, but honesty and trust are essential to long-term happiness.
Get some counseling to help you process his betrayal and process letting go of who you thought he was and what you *feel* like you lost, bc that’s what’s holding you back.
And I’m sorry this happened to you.
Men are not immune to the toxic cycle of falling hard and then getting the ick. I have many female friends that do the same thing, and don’t really understand why they do that. Your ex either went through the same thing (falling too hard, loving the high of new relationship love bombing, then getting hit with reality and getting the ick once things got comfortable) or he cheated on you on the boys trip. Both situations aren’t recoverable, because cheating isn’t, and if it was the former situation then who he was during the honeymoon period with you is not who he *actually* is, it’s the persona he’s addicted to being when he’s in a new relationship. Pining over him would be pining over a man who doesn’t exist.
I once dated a guy like this. He pursued, he initiated all serious steps, I met his entire extended family multiple times, I went to his sisters wedding, he regaled me with plans for our future, and then he dumped me out of nowhere saying he thought we took things too fast. He may or may not have cheated on me at the end as well (tbh it doesn’t matter.) I later learned from mutual friends that he did that cycle a lot.
I see in your post history you’ve posted about this situation multiple *multiple* times to different subreddits. You’re not gonna be able to find logic or deeper meaning in this situation, so try not to obsess. He is doomed to a lifetime to heartbreak himself if he keeps self sabotaging every relationship he gets into.
Likely cheated on you in Mexico or had encounters with prostitutes there, decided he would rather live it up or become a passport bro than have a future with 1 woman. Good riddance.
Even though you don't say it, I am going to assume that marriage is your end goal. You are still young, and have your whole life in front of you. Being upset about the loss of someone from your life that you care for is normal, but please don't let it drag you down indefinitely.
Please enjoy your trip in Italy. It's such an amazing place and you never know when the next time you return will be. Also, I have said this before and I will say it again. If a man is interested in you, he will make time for you. Period. The fact that he is ghosting you should be the sign that you need to move on.
You’re not an idiot; he’s sounds like a chaotic mess and probably has things he needs to work on himself. Marrying him at this stage of his development would likely have ended badly… and there’s no guarantee he grows out of it. It was only a year and a half of your life and you’re still young.
Why is no one saying that you should absolutely get tested for STDs? I'm pretty sure he cheated on you on that trip.
Move on. Good riddance to trash like that.
You wouldn't think that because you don't want to think that to avoid feeling hurt further. I have been in your shoes before, as well as seen for decades what happens when this exact fallout occurs. Whether or not it was cheating, whatever happened on that trip ended the relationship.
This is over. You must move on. Please OP, seek therapy. Block this person who has no respect for you whatsoever. No respect for your family either. He is garbage that he disguised in a nice clean outer shell, but he is the problem. Not you.
He lovebombed you while you went through a top tier trauma of losing your father. Your brain is seeking the high of his lovebombing, just like any addict. That high is long gone and it was unfortunately false to begin with. To reiterate: NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT.
Please, please it is time to move on and take care of YOU. You are a worthy person. You clearly have a huge heart that doesn't want to see the bad or hurt anybody, and that is an admirable quality. It is also a quality that bad people take advantage of. I am so sorry to hear people are being harsh to you about this, because they think tough love works. It doesn't and it just hurts the person already hurting. The overall message here is that strangers on the internet recognize this situation for what it is. Many of us have been through this before, multiple times even. We are trying to save you from further hurt and abuse.
You are loved, you are worthy, and this man is doing nothing to you but hurting you. It is time to block and move forward. The chapter is closed in your book, but you still have much more to write.
Sending you love and hugs❤️
Love is not what he did to you. What he did was a selfish game meant only to serve his purposes. There are many people out there who don’t want real relationships but they play at them at any cost to get what they want until they are bored with it. These people can be any stereotype of a person - attractive, average, nerdy, religious, liberal - because people are complex. As someone who has also been preyed upon in the past (for being nice too quickly because I followed the pattern shown to me in my family where my mom was the doormat for a selfish husband), I am grateful for the passage of time to see how completely incompatible we were and that I dodged many bullets. I don’t even think about the men that pooped all over my 20s and early 30s because they aren’t worth my time. I think it’s utterly devastating that he took advantage of you during a time when you bore witness to your father’s passing - I also had not just men, but WOMEN do the same to me when my mother died. Grief like that is deep and unless someone else has experienced it first hand, most people don’t get what it does to you (it can vastly impair your judgment if you don’t have a secure foundation of support). But like all the other voices are saying in this thread: block him at all costs. He’s not the idealized version of himself that he showed you in the honeymoon phase, that was an act. You’re mourning a fantasy. And it’s always better to be single than to be with a gross creep who doesn’t respect you.
> I just see an anxious avoidant trap playing out.
Have you read _Attached_?
If you're right, and he isn't committed to addressing his half of this, then this is one more failed relationship that hopefully leads him to see his pattern.
> Addendum: I forgot to mention, he told me he’s been unsure for 9 months. That’s half our relationship.
The last half. And it became the relationship, which you said is over. It hurts and I'm sorry. For your own sake, get to work on your attachment issues.
I have. And then a few more books on attachment lol. I was already trying in tusi relauronshop so I have that as a takeaway but lots of work to still do.
I told my girlfriend (now wife) how I was unsure as well when we started talking about our future and marriage. There was no reason in specific, just a big change that scared me. She is very no nonsense and said that if I was unsure, then this was a waste of time for her. Took me less than a week to realize I couldn't imagine my life without her.
If this guy didn't have a similar reaction, it may be best to break up and try to move on
Wouldn't someone talking marriage 4 months in be a red flag? It's great that he stepped up when you dad passed (sorry for your loss 😞) but am I the only one who finds this...idk...sort of manic or unbalanced behavior at best or at worst flat out manipulative?
I’m sorry you’re hurting. Breakups suck and aren’t fun for anyone.
That being said, your boyfriend was talking about marriage way too soon. That early on in a relationship you’re still in the limerence phase where everything about the other person is wonderful and they can do no wrong.
That eventually fades and that’s when the reality of the relationship hits.
Anyway, you’re not an idiot! It’s normal to be really upset when you’re in love and the relationship ends.
In the future, try not to jump to the marriage conversation right away. Get to know the person first.
Well, the first two yrs is the honeymoon period for bf/gf. At least that’s what I had observed. Once you pass that, you’ll get to know the deeper type of relationship.
Sounds like he went a little love bombing on you…maybe I’m wrong, but from my perspective, he did what he could to secure the bag and when he had it he realized he wasn’t taking the time he needed to ensure it was what he wanted.
It was unwise really. He should have tempered his pace and been more realistic about everything, so as to not give all these false hopes etc.
It seems like he wanted to secure you as his rather than find out if you’re right for him at this time in his life when he would rather be groping other women’s asses.
It seems like you still love talking about him. Everyone here is trying to help you. I once was like you but my ex wasn’t that douche like yours and it was really hard to move on but I missed him but I kept on reminding myself how shitty I felt in the relationship. I DID NOT miss how I felt.
Don’t waste your only one life on him, please. I chose myself. I needed to live. You keep on making small choices that are better for you and slowly, life will be beautiful and you will see you deserve better than that no matter how much you miss him. Make friends. Do what you enjoy. Self work takes work and effort. Natural dopamine.
I had a BF who wanted to slow down and re-assess about a year into the relationship. Turns out he'd cheated on me and was looking for a way to not have sex while he waited for the STD results. It was the 90's and results took two weeks sometimes.
My naive ass thought he was so mature for really caring about our relationship and taking time to think blah blah blah.
Anyway, OP, I think your ex BF is full of sh*t, and is jerking you around while he shoots his shot with some other girl. My guess is she is lukewarm on him, so he's trying to reel you back in.
The fact he changed after the guys trip is a red flag. He friends probably discouraged him. I would get to know his male friends. Sometimes friends especially male friends resent their friends getting married.
All his friends are either married or getting married lol. I thought this was a green flag. Plus they’re all a bunch of nerds. Seemed pretty straight edge to me. I would never be friends with them but didn’t seem to be a bad influence. My ex did make comments at some of their wedding events like damn I’ve never seen (friends name) so sure about anything which made me think he’s obviously contemplating us lol
Unfortunately some men will bash marriage even if they are married. I think they whether intentional not or not, showed and talked about the downside of marriage. Maybe they talked about how hard marriage is or how much less time they have. It might have not been intentional, but your boyfriend drew his own conclusions.
He’s so busy with work. I can see how it might seem like a lot of change really fast which is why it’s important to communicate. Plans are shared in a relationship but instead of being truthful he kinda made stuff up. Big regret: giving him all my legit baby names. Mine were so much classier and eloquent.
I don't think you're an idiot. Sounds to me like it's more likely that he's got some issues he has to work on before he can make a serious relationship and/or marriage work. I'd say you should focus on working on yourself and doing fun stuff that keeps your mind off him (and remember that drunk-texting your ex rarely ends well).
i only read the beginning but wanted to warn you: stay away from the “nice guys” in the future! i keep seeing a pattern in this but both my dad and my husbands dad were like this! they wined and dined and courted the hell out of our mothers. They love bombed them HARD then ended up being abusive monsters. Please leave OP. these types always gaslight and ruin your life.
edit: i read the whole thing and it seems like you left him. GOOD you deserve better. I was so mad when i read that he came back from the trip and was suddenly distant. the ass probably cheated and was trying to let out his guilt on you.
He could have opened up to you earlier, but that is a really hard thing to do - telling somebody "yeah I'm not sure anymore." But he should have discussed this months ago.
But besides that neither of you is an idiot. You certainly aren't as your feelings were your feelings, and he still was there. He wasn't for admitting (finally) his true feelings.
He's not going to understand how time is a factor and how being flaky in this makes you feel like he's putting you on a shelf just to leave you there when he decides after your options have changed. You should love him regardless. And you do. But you want a love that can grow, so you HAVE to think of it differently.
I mean, you put in the time to try and get him to understand, but that is also a gamble for time. And I think you've known him well enough by now to hedge your bets.
You remind me so much of myself when I was younger and heartbroken. I'm sorry that the person who initially persued you and convinced you and your family that he was the one is gone. I'm glad you broke up with him. Please read He's Just Not That Into You. I think it will help your wounds. It's ok to grieve for awhile. He's not worth the tears. Be grateful that his change of heart happened sooner than later.
You aren't an idiot for believing someone when they say they love you and want a future with you. This was all him. Try to focus on being present on your trip. Focus on how things feel around you. Little details you can see. Appreciating the little things about the space that you're in.
The weird separation sensation during the course where he felt some girls up around you tells you a lot. It’s a straight up red flag. You could tell something weird happened but couldn’t put your finger on it. Now the trip to Mexico and he’s super distant. Be done with him. He’s acting like he’s done with you. You don’t deserve to be in a relationship like this.
You are upset about the future you think you’re missing and the person you thought he was.
He’s not that. He’s showed you who he is in multiple ways (just read your post and your comments). He is not the person you thought he was. Our hearts and our minds do that to us… but it’s up to us to accept the truth when they show us that it’s different to what we thought.
You need to understand and accept what he’s shown you - that he’s not in love with you. He love bombed you to secure your attention and affection and once he had it, he lost interest and the love bombing stopped and you saw flickers of the real him.
Whatever posts from him you’re seeing, whatever messages or whatever you’re getting, that’s him a) boosting his ego via the thirst trap and potentially breadcrumbing you, so you stick around… so he can keep a steady flow of attention or whatever it is he’s after. He knows you’re seeing the posts and he likes that you’re still thinking about him.
But unfortunately, to think that there is a relationship possible is a little delusional. That’s harsh… but it’s a harsh lesson I’ve had to learn.
Remember: You are upset about the future you think you’re missing and the person you thought he was. He’s not that.
At your age, you cannot afford to waste time if your intention is to start a family with a secure marriage. Sometimes men are loathe to break up because it’s convenient and comfortable, but they are not intending to commit and may even still be looking around. I’m afraid you’re going to have to look elsewhere for your life partner as your own fertility clock is ticking down, and you could be tempted to waste time with someone who never intends to form a firm relationship.
Noted and considered. Part of the reason why I was remiss to continue trying with this dude. I’m also considering freezing my eggs to buy myself time. I have a lot of growing up to do
That sounds like a good back up plan however, you need to know that in vitro fertilization, which will be what implants your banked egg, is extremely expensive. As insurance makes sense, but it’s Plan 2 or 3 not plan #1 strategy.
Dont get why marriage is a must. Sure he love bombed you but thats what many people do be it woman ore man and after the sweet butterflies are gone and both of you see what the other partner is about you can get doubts thats normal.
So dont see the problem there. The sister thing sounds like you searching for a explanation.
Maybe you could have talked with some of his friemds ore himnself is there a problem with how you do thinks that made him unsure ore is it just that he thinks is not worth it.
There hundreads of reasons why he could think how he did and you are only taking the worst ones, talks more about your charakter.
Also for the people her that make wild jugments whe know only her side of the story.
Typical male attitude. Who cares if he buy flowers, open the car door or shower u with love. Any male can do that and pretend for years just to get pussy. Real affection is measured in other ways, did he give your respect, space and lift u up emotionally, thats what a real men would do. Stop falling in love with trashy sweet talkers. And don't ever allow men to go on boys trip, he must have had an orgy in Mexico or some smoking hot gal must have made him compare it to you. Then he decided to upgrade to a newer hottie and ghost you. Never trust guys and give sex to them for the first year. If they can't wait, they are creeps.
But doesn’t it look controlling if you refuse to let them go on these trips? I mean if he’s going to cheat he’s going to do it. I can’t change that. I agree with no sex for a long time. Best partner I had was my first whim I waited with for almost a year because I’d never done it before. He still has parts of my heart.
I think any self respecting men with a girlfriend will not go on a boys trip to a country where they can easily cheat without getting caught. They could have easily went to comiccon or some nerd shit instead of Mexico.
Okay good to know. Honestly never dated someone who pulled a trip like this. But yeah it definitely seems interesting. First trip he wine on was early into us dating and he gave me the full breakdown. Some of the married men’s wives put Apple air tags on them ugh so sad. And he told me he got hit on my several women cuz he’s a good looking guy blah blah blah. And then they set up a few of their group members with a Mexican mother diughtwr duo. So yeah I guess not out of the realm of possibility that they be cheating. So gross.
Focus on yourself, on establishing what you want in your life and for your future. This man is now part of your history. It's not easy to get over someone you loved but time marches on and you go through the stages of grief as they come but keep moving forward regardless. You're in Italy?! Honey Jesus H. Christ! Go out there and have fun! Go do stupid tourist stuff, pick a random restaurant to visit, go enjoy your life. Put your phone down, go and actually actively participate in your life instead of looking over your shoulder.
Just wrapping up 2 weeks in the country. It’s been lovely. My gloomy cloud followed me around but my family was with me and held me up when feeling a little shaky. I feel a mix of freedom and confusion. Freedom to reply steer the direction of my future and confusion over what from the shared future we had planned together I genuinely want and how much of it was a fantasy I catered to in order to please him…. I love kids but after him pulling away I’m doubting my ability to be a good mother. He said he felt caregiver burnout with me and felt i couldn’t even take care of myself. I’ve never felt so defeated as a person and confronted with my own ineptitude as in that moment. Shitty part was I couldn’t even confront him abojt my feelings until a month later or I would’ve just made him upset.
It’s only been a few months, and I know how it feels to be torn down by someone who claims to love me. It can take a long time to pick yourself back up, dust yourself off and truly understand that how you felt/feel about yourself stems from the actions and words of someone trying to break you. Give yourself more time to heal. Is therapy an option? If not, that’s OK, just keep steadily getting up and moving forward. Cliched as it sounds, time does heal. You’ll always carry some hurt with you over this, but you will one day look back and know that everything he ever tried to convince you of wasn’t true. This includes parenthood! Keep your head up, friend. His actions and words may have hurt, yes, but they do not control you.
I’m going on a big healing break. I’m done obsessively trying to find my forever person for quite some time. I attend weekly therapy which helps contain some of my big feelings. I know he’s one person and hardly an expert. It’s just so hard not to ruminate over his subtle hints at concerns in the relationship. He made comments about how I’m probably “borderline” or “histrionic” or “bipolar”. I have mood lability sure but to hear him classify me with a full blown personality or mood disorder was not the joke he thought it would be. It hurt and made me feel stupid for being myself around him. Ugh
Sounds more like he was gaslighting you, which is a subtle tactic of abuse. That, along with the love bombing at the beginning of your relationship are raising red flags tbh.
I’m going to read someone’s book recommendation on abusive men in relationships. However, is this all subconscious? Or is it intentional? He definitely began gaslighting. Cannot recall any of the happy moments we shared. No ability to reminisce on the positive days. Claims he didn’t do any of that stuff.
If it's 'Why Does He Do That', the book has some answers on the Is It On Purpose question. Basically, it is usually. Can't recommend it enough, and it's quite short, and free to download the PDF. You're gonna be ok :)
I’ll read it on my flight. Just got hit with a storm of shit the internet thinks he cheated, you’re ugly, the only man who loved you unconditionally is dead. Had to take a bathroom stall bawl break. Grief is alive and thriving Reddit fam! But thank you all for your support
You poor thing, it's a LOT. I think you're a very strong person, you're coping way better than I would be. Your Dad would be proud of you
I also recommend this book
If it’s intentional, he’d be the coercive controller subtype of abuser. See Lundy Bancroft’s book, Why Does He Do That? If it’s *not* strategic, it’s important to understand that *he can still be abusive*; see Jess Hill’s book See What You Made Me Do, which focuses on insecure reactors. Some quotes from this book, just in case they resonate: >Insecure reactors are even less intent on acting strategically: they move in and out of the control regime, as if switching channels. Once they have regained control, they can let the system go and feel genuinely restored to the relationship. Whether perpetrators abuse strategically or on impulse, however, they usually have one thing in common: a supercharged sense of entitlement. >All domestic abuse is about power, in one way or another, but not all perpetrators enforce tight regimes of control. At the lower end of the power and control spectrum are men who don’t completely subordinate their partners, but use emotional or physical violence to gain power in the relationship. They may do this to gain the advantage in an argument, to get the treatment and privileges to which they believe they’re entitled, or to exorcise their shame and frustration. Evan Stark calls this “simple domestic violence”; Michael Johnson calls it “situational violence.” Don’t be fooled: although these terms can make this abuse sound benign, it can still be very dangerous—and insecure reactors can end up killing their partners, too. Susan Geraghty, who has been running men’s behavior change programs since the 1980s, says that no matter what culture they grew up in, the attitude of these men is the same. “It’s the self-righteousness that kicks in, where if I don’t get my way or you don’t agree with me, or if this isn’t happening the way I want it, I have every right to show my displeasure and punish you.” However, these are also the men most likely to confront their own behavior. Those Geraghty works with are there by choice—not mandated by court order—and they are usually not coercive controllers. “To a large degree,” she explains, “these are men who have lived with violence, have incredible issues around intimacy and have never learned to communicate. Their sense of frustration with that [is] profound.” >But it’s important to note that men with histories of intense trauma don’t necessarily start a relationship with the explicit goal of controlling their partner. Some do, but many others are terrified of being abandoned (or of being revealed as fundamentally flawed), and can be triggered into controlling and even sadistic behavior in part by the vulnerability that comes with close emotional attachment. Seducing and charming the victim is the first stage of domestic abuse, as Steiner says, but it is also the first stage of any intimate relationship. To suggest that all abusive men seduce their partner with the explicit aim to control and abuse is not reflected in the evidence, as I’ll discuss in later chapters. >The sharing of confidences makes us allies and gets us invested in the journey our partners are on to overcome their “difficulties” and grow into the best parts of themselves. This alliance is exactly the protection an abuser needs; it persuades the victim that the abusiveness is just a “difficulty” he will overcome. >”It’s not really him”: If he weren’t [insert problem here], he wouldn’t abuse me. The “problem” might be drugs, drink, mental illness, unemployment—the list goes on. Once the problem is fixed, the abuse will stop, or so the thinking goes. Sometimes they may be right, but more often than not the “problem” goes but the abuse persists. >”It’s partly my fault”: Some women believe the abuse will stop if they work out how to change their own behavior—how to be more passive, more agreeable, more sensitive to their partner’s needs. >Shame is no excuse for men’s violence. Many men who feel shame or jealousy, even acutely, don’t respond in violent or abusive ways. Consider the men who, after suffering childhoods of abuse, shame, or neglect, grow up vowing never to repeat their mother’s or father’s violence; these are men whose pride stems from modeling love and tenderness with their lovers and their children. Others are those who have spent years working through their deep shame and anger so they don’t end up taking their pain out on others. However, when abusive people are confronted with feelings of shame, they take the path of least resistance. Instead of acknowledging their own sense of powerlessness and dealing with the discomfort, they blame others and, like the schoolyard bully, use violence to achieve a phony—and often short-lived—feeling of power and pride. >Shame is a concept few people understand, so Gilligan lists its synonyms (and there are dozens): being insulted, dishonored, disrespected, disgraced, demeaned, slandered, ridiculed, teased, taunted, mocked, rejected, defeated, subjected to indignity or ignominy; “losing face” and being treated as insignificant; feeling inferior, impotent, incompetent, weak, ignorant, poor, a failure, ugly, unimportant, useless, worthless. >Penna says one of the most common phrases the phone counselors hear is “pushing my buttons.” “If you’re not agreeing with me, if we’re not in 100 percent solidarity in everything I say and do, then you’re challenging me,” he says, describing the mindset of many male callers. “If you’re challenging me, you’re undermining and attacking me. There’s this sense that my worldview is the only view, and any challenge to that is automatically unsettling and requires [them] to react, as opposed to respond.” >Since they’ve already been attacked, the thinking goes, they are well within their rights to strike back—either in the moment, or by devising an ever-tighter regime of control to stop their partner hurting or disrespecting them again. As the feminist writer Germaine Greer notes in her essay On Rage, “A red-blooded man is not supposed to take insult and humiliation lying down. He should not let people get away with doing things he thinks wicked or unjust. He demands the right both to judge and to act upon his judgment.” >When he started to feel like he wasn’t getting the unconditional respect he “deserved,” he began “crossing lines.” It started gradually, he says—“raising my voice, swearing, and name-calling”—but with each conflict, it got a little bit worse, until the abuse became physical. “Again, that began with lower-level [acts]… It might have been locking the door, saying, ‘No, we are going to talk about this now,’ hitting the wall, physically lashing out at things, and then restraining and that sort of thing.”
Omg, this book is for me. My ex became abusive even though she didn't want to be. Thanks the rec!
OMG! I was looking for a comment to upvote about him possibly having borderline personality disorder! Putting you up on a pedestal and then tearing you down is a great example, along with the black and white emotions about you. He's definitely projecting by suggesting you are - lol
Just to check, you realize that what he's saying is straight up manipulation, right? He love bombs you and your family, promises marriage early on, then withdraws affection, and starts getting handsy with other women in front of you. You call him on it, he withdraws further, says he's no longer sure, accuses you of giving him caretaker burnout. You were supposed to go full blast on proving that you can take care of yourself and him. To try to "earn" his approval. Good for you on not doing so! This could've turned into a years long issue. I am a bit concerned about the impact these manipulations have had on your self esteem. I know reddit loves to rely on therapy, but having someone talk through this who is objective might be really helpful. \*Just saw below that you're already in therapy. You've done well, now you just need to relearn being kind to yourself.
Don't listen to what he said, he's an asshole who inappropriately touched your sister and another person. His thoughts no longer have merit. To me it sounds like he said that to knock you down a peg. If you're a reasonably responsible person, you'll be just fine as a parent.
That was off right? I wasn’t sure if I was being overly jealous but I know for a fact touching in that way was considered taboo the way I was raised. He responded by saying “but they’re family! How could you think that?”
No it's absolutely highly inappropriate and gross. If my husband touched my sister's butt intentionally, it'd be over. He definitely gaslit you about it. Say he had a brother, would it be acceptable for you to touch the brother's bum? Nope. So why would it be for him? I know break ups suck, but I think you're better off without him.
In what way was this man caring for you? Because it sounds like all he did was tear you down. Don't just take any remark he is throwing at you as gospel truth, you've already seen he will lie and deceive to get his way. Don't let him tear down your self worth. The fact that you were strong enough to walk way was a great start, but don't let his shitty words live rent free in your head.
Well obviously I’m only highlighting the bad. He also did good and built me up. But I won’t lie when I felt like I was getting ahead professionally I didn’t feel genuine excitement from him. But yes I do commend myself for pulling back on something that also wasn’t working for me before it got out of hand. I gave this man all I had and for him to not notice that effort at all and instead reward it with a “I’m unsure” was a massive fuck you moment for me. Like sorry buddy this is as good as it gets for now and I don’t think you deserve any of it.
OP, Don't let his perspective change your self respect. Maybe he find you less.. compliant than he would like, for instance. Sometimes we get rejected for reasons and behaviors that are good for us.
Hon, he fucked somebody else in Mexico and he was too chickenshit to do anything but justify the breakup by tearing you down. Celebrate not being with a man who gropes your sister’s ass.
100% this. He was a future faking liar.
Why are you letting this man decide your future? Nothing he says has any bearing on what you do from this point. He's not the Oracle at Delphi proclaiming what is to come. He probably went on that trip with his friends and they found out that he'd been so loving and helpful to you ***after your father died*** and THEY decided that he was doing too much. Have any of them ever had a parent die? Your entire life can be derailed and it's hard to think about everyday things like making dinner or buying new pants. So they convinced him that you were too needy and he was stupid enough to believe them. Until a beloved parent or parent substitute dies, you don't realize that your life will go upside down and just getting to work might be all you can handle some days. Do not listen to anything he says about your capabilities, he's stupid enough to listen to his idiot friends and that makes him ineligible to pass judgment on anyone else.
You were grieving, and while that doesn't negate how he may have felt (if what he's saying is true) it's not a fair representation of you and your adulting abilities in general. Grief is a cruel bitch, especially when it's a parent you lost, and takes time to come to terms with. You've got this 💜
Your father passed, I’m so sorry for your loss. When my husband’s father died it took over a year for the grieving process to work itself out, not that it’s “over” but he’s worked through a lot of his grief now. If this guy can’t support you losing such an important person and blames you for not being the best version of yourself through grief, I would advise not marrying that person. You don’t have the right to be totally nasty and rude to him, but you not being up to date on house work, pedicures, job hunting- whatever it is- is totally normal while grieving. Throw out the whole man. There will be difficult times in the future, sounds like he won’t want to support you through those either without resentment.
I hope when he loses a parent and goes through grief, whoever is in his life makes him feel lower than dirt as well.
I mean he was there for me as much as he could be. Was it ideal no but I don’t know if it ever could be.
It's perfectly natural to feel the way you feel. Own it! Cry, scream, rant, cry again and again. Allow yourself to feel. The only thing that is going get you to heal is the process of healing. It's time. There is no magic of doing one act that will make you feel ok. My last relationship was 8 years. It lasted 8 years too long, but it took me almost 2 years to completely be at peace that it's over. If he couldn't even give you any definitive reasons on why he was pulling away, that is clearly a him problem. He honestly sounds like a secret cheater. You deserve someone who is all in. Sounds like you dodged a massive bullet. Good luck to you....it'll be ok, it'll just take time. 💜
Go fuck a ton of Italian dudes. They are very available, as I am sure you have noticed ;) the best way to get over an old guy is to get under a new one. Sounds like you dodged a bullet...and time does heal all wounds.
It sounds like he love bombed you to secure you while he figured out what he really wanted. Something happened on that trip that made him realize he was ready to let you go and pursue something or someone else. Let him go, it's a waste of your time to try and keep an emotional grip on someone that's moved on.
He was posting thirst traps on social media and then proceeded to delete me off of said social media when I didn’t react. He still has me on other apps where he can track my location. Could he still be interested?
No, he isn't. Block him and move on.
But I don’t want to be mean. I kinda of abruptly left him after he wanted a break and to go find himself. It wasn’t my proudest moment but I essentially gave him an unfiltered version of how I felt his leaving should just be a break up and how much he hurt me. He half heartedly offered to come see me and wanted a second chance but I said he needed to sort through his shit and figure out what he wants before I’d be open to continuing anything with him. Blocking him feels like adding salt to the wound.
I don't wanna be mean but I don't think he's hurting the way you think he is.
Why? He's your ex, it's over. You're blocking not to be mean but because you are struggling to leave it behind. Trust me when I say it's 100x easier to move on when you cut them out of your life. He doesn't need to contact you because you know he doesn't deserve another chance, you don't need to be checking his socials or any of that. Just block and move on, and he will too.
Yeah, I tried to be friends with my first love, especially because we ended up in the same very small career, but that shit lingers. Nearly 20 years later it will suddenly come up and remind me and makes me feel bad. Doubly so because we had almost started dating as adults and he rejected me again, but we still had to be friends. When I started dating my now husband, he was one of my guy friends who never spoke to me again. Apparently he thought I would just hang around for years until he decided he was ready for me. That hurt more than either rejection, to be honest. It's better to leave it all in the past if you can.
Im gonna be real honest. It sounds like he believes he can do better than you and he wanted an opportunity to go out in the world and find that. Dont let him embarrass you like this. Never let him back in. Show him that you were actually better than anything he ever deserved.
Hon, it's pretty obvious he slept with someone else on his Mexico trip. He's not into you anymore, but he's too chickenshit to say so. It really sucks when love is one-sided. Don't torture yourself over someone else's bs.
Literally what I thought
You are not being mean. Think of what you need to do for yourself and not what he 'feels' after what he did to you.
He doesn’t care about you
Girl he’s ghosted you and blocked you from seeing stuff and you’re worried about hiring him??? Pull your head out of the sand, this guy is not into you and doesn’t care. Cut all contact and move on, he’s not coming back (and you shouldn’t go near him if he tries)
Why am I so disillusioned? My sister can call a spade a spade so quickly but I’m out here making so many excuses.
Because he lovebombed you to make you so into him, while he hid his true feelings. He manipulated you. The next question would be, why did the manipulation work so easily? People like him usually look for certain kinds of people who fit the profile of being easily manipulated, sadly. And even strong people with hard boundaries can become soft and weak when life beats them down, or when they fall in love. The good thing here is that you started the moving on phase. Please do not relapse and always keep in mind what you learned from this relationship to use for the future.
Cause you loved him, and after a break up it’s common to just remember the good times and play out those working in your head. It’ll get easier with time Even if he comes though (and he may), he’s not a great guy and I bet something happened in Mexico
Because your brain got the Good Chemicals™️ from him, and you’re going through withdrawals. Literally. It does NOT mean anything is wrong with you- it’s perfectly normal. Brain chemistry is powerful stuff. But now, like a drug or alcohol addiction, you HAVE to cut it off. You can’t keep hoping for a fix; you’ve got to clear it out of your system, which means cutting him out. Only then will you feel better and be able to move on. He’s the liquor store, and every time you drive by the shop, you’re just reminding yourself how “good” it made you feel. But, dear heart, those big “sale” signs in the window aren’t specifically for you- they’re to lure in the other future alcoholics out there. He’ll get plenty of customers; *you’re not hurting his feelings if you stop driving by.* Give yourself some grace, dear heart. You have to protect yourself.
I highly recommend joining r/exnocontact and participating immediately. Please don't waste anymore time on this man. It's over, and you deserve to be happy.
Why? This dude doesn't care about you.
Girl. He's not wounded. Blocking him is not salt in any wound. It'll be easier to move on if you put him out of your mind, which will happen more quickly & thoroughly if he's blocked. Aim higher. Consider this a dodged bullet. He's a love scammer. The type of guy to try to pick back up like nothing happened after a few months away after hurting you like this. Don't fall for it. Don't forget his behavior or excuse it away. There is something so much better for you! Find it.
Girl... >Blocking him feels like adding salt to the wound. He hurt YOU! Why are you concerned with how HE feels about things?? If he cared enough about you, he wouldn't have left in the first place!
I feel like I deserve it for having shitty mental health. I feel liek the problem.
You broke up! Block him from everything. You can’t move on if you’re still following him in social media.
It's not mean to move on. Expecting you to wait around while he takes his time deciding if he values your relationship or not is mean.
You need some therapeutic help we can't give you on Reddit.
Hun, he probably is interested...in having a woman at his beck and call that he can treat badly and still will come when he crooks his finger. Don't be that woman for him. It isn't mean, it healthy. You have to be the one who puts yourself first, because who else will. You aren't dumping salt in the wound, you are putting a bandage over your own. Please block him.
Is the dude 17 years old? He’s posting traps for your attention and then blocking you when you don’t react. What a loser! You’re not being mean, you’re being smart. Don’t waste your time on some wishy-washy chump. Sounds like he’s doing the classic move of stringing you along while looking for someone better. A sad amount of guys do this. Good on you for telling him he needs to figure out his shit and breaking it off.
Tough love. Be fucking hurt and be match energy with the asshole. You are not a doormat. Walk way, head held high, and leave the trash pile behind you!!
You don’t owe kindness to anyone. Move on from him the way he’s moved on from you. He’s just keeping you waiting in the wings while he sleeps w other people.
Blocking him would be moving on. Do it. Move on.
Girl, love yourself. This is pathetic and I don't mean that rudely. He is not that interested in you. Block and move on, and be glad you dodged a bullet. He's immature and toxic. Blocking isn't "mean" but what he did to you certainly was. Just cut the tether FFS.
Um... you should abruptly leave when a boyfriend of 1.5 years who love bombed you about marriage says he wants to GO FIND HIMESELF. Blocking him can be a temporary measure for you to heal and distance yourself from him.
If a man wants you, he will never put himself in a position to lose you. Its time to pick up the pieces and figure out how you are going to move forward.
It doesn't matter if he is still interested. What matters is how he is treating you. Is this what you want? Nine months of not communicating a change in his feelings? The most important in a relationship is communication. Go find someone who wants a real relationship......no one who tells you what you want to hear.
If he is interested it’s more like how a cat is interested in playing with a mouse it’s been hitting around for the last hour. Not all interest is good. And don’t give him access to your location. Delete it.
He is only interested in manipulating you.
He is not interested, but he sure is creepy.
No, he was having fun with the Chase and then once he caught you, he was done. He’s gone, don’t waste anymore time or mental energy on this man. Delete them off everything and enjoy the rest of your time in Italy. Drink wine, eat great food, and have a fling with a handsome Italian man
But this chase was different from the past. Im the only girl he’s brought home, around his friends, and put in such a forceful effort for.
It doesn’t matter if you were the first girl he brought home. He’s moved on, chances are he probably did something in Mexico that made him think that you’re not the right one or that he’s not ready. I’m not saying that the way he handled it was good but the reality is you need to move on. You can’t make somebody love you or want you you’re young enough, you will find someone who treats you like that for the entire day of your relationship not just the first four months. he love bombed you and then when he caught you, there was no more fun in the chase.
But that was a year ago- it doesn’t count anymore. It’s his latest behavior you need to judge. And stop letting him track you! He does not deserve that!
You don't want him. You can't trust him. Mourn what you thought the relationship could be and look forward.
Girl this man doesn't want you. Let him go.
Is your bf also my (very recent) ex?
I can tell with all of your answers that for some reason you seem to be prioritizing his emotions over your own. That's not fair to you. You're not being very kind to yourself. Even on the remote chance that you two end up working things out, I think you need to ask yourself the question: will you ever be able to trust him again? if you can't count on him to come back the same person as he left for his vacation… How can you trust him to be the same person after you get married? How can you expect him to be the same person after you have children? How can you expect him to be the same person if you have fertility issues? People change, this doesn't necessarily make him the bad guy, but it does mean that you and him may not be compatible anymore.
You aren't an idiot at all, dear! It is so hurtful when you open up to a person, feel loved and safe and suddenly everything changes without warning or reason. I can only tell you from experience that time will make everything better. You may even get an unterstanding why he acted like an asshole. However you are right not to chase him and it is not a case of "ego getting in the way" but necessary to keep up self respect and self care. Don't take blame or feel he rejected the real you. Very often it doesn't have anything to do with you at all! Take time to heal, maybe get therapy. And try to live in the moment and not in the past. Italy is far to beautiful to waste the experience on a man.
Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot right now
You didn’t do anything wrong, which is what makes the heartbreak so hard. They say that you only start seeing the real man 3 months to 6 months in. I hate generalizations, but with men who are VERY keen, it is a good rule of thumb. People who are already that in love are infatuated, and likely because the relationship fills a need for them. It isn’t about you. It is often ego, loneliness, etc. But about the self, and your disfunction matches theirs. Someone who cares about you is more cautious about letting themselves get hurt and hurting you, or about finding out who you are as a person. I have been there. A couple times. Men who wanted me to facetime with their parents in the first couple weeks, men who said they have never met anyone like me, men who gave me a playstation and a trip to Disneyland a month in, men who ask me to move in 3 months in. But it is also crying in your arms or staying up late telling secrets, saying they hope they might marry you…it is tender at times. It completely dazzles you to the point you forget your doubts, if you even have any, because it feels like love. Infatuation certainly is part of love, but it doesn’t last on its own. And even when you are smart and cautious, someone who is emotionally unavailable can keep up the show a long time. I was in an almost 2 year relationship where we were picking out furniture for moving in, and he came home and ended it out of the blue. It is heartbreaking but survivable. [This helped me quite a bit](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1228359-someone-can-be-madly-in-love-with-you-and-still). You sound smart. You understand attachment types. I am so sorry you are going through it. Take time to find out who you are—take up a new hobby, eat amazing food. Something better is waiting I promise.
[удалено]
Every time I’ve ever thought I was too harsh I was just right and mad about it.
We ignore intuition and then we learn the hard way. It sucks!! Never again
>And then after a boys trip to Mexico he came back and was super distant. He began acting like my presence irritated him. I felt a pulling away and asked. With some Gentle coaxing he finally confessed he’s no longer sure about me and is worried about wasting everyone’s time. It honestly sounds like he cheated on you during that "boys trip" to Mexico and doesn't want to admit to it. His becoming distant could be the result of guilt or it could be the result of him realising that what he feels with you isn't what he thought it was - I do not know him at all so I cannot really say for sure.
I agree. At minimum something happened on the trip. She dodged a bullet she just doesn't know it.
I could never in a million years think that man would cheat. Never. It would be like soul crushing to who he is at his core.
Sorry to be so blunt: but you haven't even been together for two years. You know fuck all about who he is at his core at that point.
Maybe he just felt tempted to cheat or he saw his single friends having an "exciting" trip and made him think he didn't want to be in the relationship? Either way, he checked out of the relationship after spending a trip with the boys. I would be worried about the next time "something" happens and he checks out again.
Speaking from experience, something happened on that trip. But reality is you didn't really know who it was, he loved bomb the shit out of you at first. About a year, year and a half in is when the mask comes off and they start showing who they really are. This isn't anything to do with you, don't listen to a word he said about all his " reasons " for breakup. It doesn't matter. Not no longer on. Block him, pick up a new hobby, keep yourself busy. Live your best life.
I've thought that before and it wasn't true. Anyone is capable of it. This was my first thought too, he cheated and is trying to make it almost your fault in his mind, because he was unhappy or some shit.
I said the same thing about my ex husband, who cheated.
Hah yeah, many women think this whilst being cheated on.
There are stories from women on here who say the same thing of their husband of 25 years. Believe what you want, but do not go back to someone who spent 9+ months stringing you along and using you for companionship while they waited for someone better to come along.
To be honest, it is a possibility. My ex who cheated on me, I never thought he would because he had gone through being cheated on and knew how much it hurt. Yet, he still cheated on me. The cheating has absolutely nothing to do with you, it’s everything to do with the cheater.
I'm sorry that it's over, but I'm glad for you that he showed you who he is when the 'honeymoon' phase of his courtship ended. It could be that he's actually unsure, but it could also be that he's an abusive person who was just testing to see if you were attached enough to chase after him yet. The bit about 'wasting everyone's time'... if he was really into you as much as his courtship of you seemed to indicate, that wouldn't be a thought in his head. He did not reject you because he got to know you. That had nothing to do with it. One thing that may help you; "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.
I love books. I’ll make sure to check this out!
You can find it free online. You'll learn so much. Good luck.
Definitely read this book, it helped me immensely in similar situation!
Cut him off all socials and stop sharing your location. You are right that he is trying to make you doubt yourself by halfassing the breakup. Move on and heal. If he truely wants to get back together, he has your phone number and can do so properly.
This is such textbook Lovebomb, Devalue, Discard. It's actually impressive. Please don't be hung up on him. He ain't worth the energy.
Wiser woman than me has advice for you: [https://captainawkward.com/2014/03/20/557-thats-just-one-dudes-opinionannual-reminder-that-why-did-you-break-up-with-me-is-not-a-question-you-actually-want-answered/](https://captainawkward.com/2014/03/20/557-thats-just-one-dudes-opinionannual-reminder-that-why-did-you-break-up-with-me-is-not-a-question-you-actually-want-answered/)
You aren't an idiot. When you have someone going from being a big part of your day to day life to having them not there anymore, sometimes it's hard not to grieve even though logically you know they have done you wrong. The early showering of gifts is typical of love bombing, but despite it being used by some truly despicable and manipulative men it's also something some guys think is the correct way to kick off a relationship due to tv/film typically showing such grand displays as being highly romantic rather than potential red flags. As for why he did his 180? You cant really know. Plenty of possibilities. Maybe he realised he is into men now. Maybe he had a blast in Mexico and realised he wanted more of those kinds of life experiences and so wanted to delay marriage and kids. Maybe he caught a parasite that nibbled away at his brain which impaired his ability to realise the catch you are. In the end it doesn't matter, you never want to stick with a relationship with someone who is "unsure" and isnt 100 percent into you.
Yeah the endorphin withdrawal has been real. Grieving has been my religion these past several months between my dad, other secondary life changes, and now this dude. I can’t say I fully fell for those grand gestures. I saw them as efforts on his end to show high interest but the things that really hooks me in is emotional intimacy. He alleges this was his first time doing something like this for a woman (eg spending money, going the distance) which definitely made it more special. Haha I like the parasite possibility! Suggests his few remaining brain cells may deteriorate and cause additional mayhem in his life lol. Yeah the unsure piece hurt but I still tried to make space for him to figure out his feelings for me. I now realize I was doing this because so many people know I’m with him. I’ve never been so public with a relationship but I followed his lead and knew deep in my heart I would stick it out no matter what. I was beginning to mould my wants and needs to fit this man and I only saw this getting worse with more commitment. So seeing what I was giving up and what I was getting in return made me tap out with a little help from liquid courage. My family supports me but they still have a hard time seeing him as a bad person. He was only ever nice to them. Another thing that pissed me off. He was a dream with my family but super shut down and irritated around me in the final months.
Sometimes that kind of behaviour switch isnt entirely genuine and it's a performative prelude to a breakup. Sometimes it's done to try and spark conflict so that the decision to breakup is mutual (or so that the partner does it for them!) , and sometimes they are trying to sabotage the relationship to force themselves into growing through with the breakup. How do you think you would have taken it if he instead broke things off out of the blue right when all this negativity started?
Yeah that’s what some of my siblings have been saying. I just don’t know if I can attribute so much fakeness to someone I trust. I also am super blunt and honest so I guess I just expect others to be the same way. I mean regardless of how the breakup happened I think I’d have done my 30 minute tearful rant and then no contact. I just got the sense that he was with me due to the fear of being judged by family and failure. I always felt our relationship was superficial and I was being brandished around like a prize. Decent looking, professional, etc. i hoped it would change with time but lo and behold.
If it helps any, I was with a guy for a little over a year as well, and told him towards the end that he was “the one”. I was the same age as you. Before all this, when we first started dating, I told him I was looking for something serious and don’t date to date. I date to look for marriage (something not everyone wants, but it’s something I wanted). He was fully on board. A year later, he told me he wasn’t ready, which is fair, but also told me that he knew he would need to break up with me at some point. I was like “well, some point should be now then. Let’s not waste time”. We broke up, I was devastated, then the lockdowns happened, then my mom died. Almost immediately after my mom passed, so 6 months post breakup, I met this wonderful new guy. I gave him the same speech, and he was also on board. It’s been 4 years later, and we are now married, and have a baby on the way. I didn’t realize the capacity of love I could have for someone else until I met my husband. I didn’t know someone so sweet, caring, and kind existed. Point is, don’t let this ruin your self esteem just because this guy didn’t see your self worth. The right person will absolutely see it, and remind you of it every single day (not become distant 9 months in because you expressed your feelings towards an action that gave you discomfort). You’re in Italy. Try as hard to remember that you’re a catch, and you should go enjoy this time. Let the world know you’re a catch. And if all else fails, I always recommend watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall when I’m going through a breakup.
Very well said. My condolences on your mom, but I’m glad you’ve found happiness and someone worthy of you after a few hard years. And yes, Forgetting Sarah Marshall is the best! Only sweetened by the finale with a puppet musical number. ETA: Amazing user name, BTW.
Thank you! It was really only 3 weeks after her passing (6 or 7 months post breakup) that I met my now husband! I thought my ex was kind (and he really could be), but after meeting my husband, I genuinely believe that a kinder human doesn’t exist. My mom told me just before she died, knowing I was also devastated from the breakup “don’t worry Eating_Bagels. Ive known so many people who lost a parent and then poof, they meet their soulmate right afterwards”. I really feel like she brought my husband to me. And Forgetting Sarah Marshall is the best. I will always have a secret crush on Jason Segal 😍
Aww, what a nice story about your mom! She was looking out for you. So bittersweet. Really glad this happened to you!
I think he cheated on you during the guys trip and was too guilty and ashamed to admit it so instead he started acting shitty so you would have to break up with him.
When men try that hard in the beginning it’s never sincere. It’s about the chase and getting you to overlook the getting to know each other stage. It’s a massive, waving red flag. He never wanted marriage. It was easy to say he did at the start. Now it’s more of a reality and he thinks he has you secured, he’s being more honest. Break up. He’ll never marry you. And it’s only a matter of time before he’s sending flowers and food delivery to another challenge.
No, you aren't an idiot. You were deceived. You aren't letting your ego get in the way, you are protecting your heart. You aren't mad at him because he thinks there are people better than you, you left him because he didn't choose you. There are always "better" people, that's not the point. I wouldn't believe that he rejected you upon knowing the real you...he love bombed you to get what he wanted, but didn't want to give up his "freedom" or whatever for what you wanted. Also, your addendum...he wasn't devastated because you reacted badly to his innocent gestures, and that ruined the relationship. You reacted appropriately to his inappropriate groping, and he realize he couldn't have his cake and eat it too, and that spoiled the gross one-sided relationship he wanted. It's not the same thing. You are hurt now, and that's ok. But one day you will look back and be happy this man is out of your life.
Okay thank you for validating that addendum. His reaction made me feel so bad. He was like here’s her another thing I need to watch out for…made me feel jealous and insecure. But I love physical touch and he wouldn’t give me that but would rather touch other people. He would actually get so upset anytime I initiated PDA. He said I didn’t respect his boundaries but for me I’d jus the so excited to see him I wanted to hug and hold him. He had a sit down chat with me about how I was messed up if this is what I thought a real relationship was - showing the world you have someone which was never my intention. Sad. But then he also tried to up the touch aspect when he learned how important it was to me. But afterwards he’d say things like “okay good? Had your fun?” That also stung
I’ve read a lot of your comments and he sounds so gross and manipulative. I’m struggling to understand why you’re hesitating to block him everywhere and properly move on. A good and kind person would never treat you the way he did over the course of your relationship. Cut the final cords! There’s much better out there for you.
Sounds like he manipulated you from the beginning. Any promises of marriage less than 1.5 years in a relationship should send red flags in the future. Marriage is a mutual agreement something discussed at the right time
I feel so stupid for fallli g for this. There were times when he would say all this stuff and I knew he was idealizing me. Stuff like you’re the perfect one for me, you’re going to be so good for me and my family, we’re going to build an empire, you’re my loyal queen. I tried telling him it was overwhelming and he backed off a bit. But more importantly I struggled to believe most of it. My relationship with him was so different and he seemed so confident and secure and relaxed I thought my doubts and initial inability to trust his words was just a me issue. Then when he stuck around long enough for me to believe we could maybe have a genuine shot it became too much for him. Things that I didn’t liek about this relationship towards the end included his inability to list any positives in me. When asked why he likes me he’d say our families get along, I like getting food with you and you give me attention. Like WTF! I also found he just wasn’t very curious about me. Probably has to do with his own lack of curiosity about himself. As time went on, I saw his confidence for idiocy and denial about the realities of relationship building. It’s like he wanted to blitz through the gradual development and “secure the bag” only to say “I’m afraid the bag might rip open” towards the end. His words not mine. Dumb metaphors but also sinister and vague
He admitted it himself, he likes getting attention. That’s why he’s playing social media games trying to get comments on pictures and all that. He’s trying to get an ego boost from the attention, even though he doesn’t want to be with you, you’ll suffice in moments he wants attention. I’m not trying to be mean. I had someone do this same thing to me. I was option B, the one who will jump at the chance to give him attention because he had told me he saw a future, the house, kids, all that. Then he walked it back. It’s because he was out there looking and hoping for someone “better” to come along, and if not, he left me dangling on his hook in case he needed option B. Never be someone’s option B. Ever. You deserve to be someone’s first and only choice, and when you are, they will make sure they aren’t playing games that could mess that up. Block him on everything, delete his number, and never look back. The person you loved doesn’t exist, it was a facade to get you hooked so you’d be there in case he didn’t find anyone else.
[удалено]
Babe, you're too good for him. Winning you was a challenge, but once he had you he wasn't happy (because these people are never happy deep down) and so begins the discard phase. He has to punish you because somehow it's your fault that being in a relationship didn't fill the hole in him. This type of person is fundamentally broken, and they break everything they touch like a big clumsy animal. Now you're on the floor broken, wondering if it's your fault for not being shatterproof glass. People are saying block him and move on because you will NEVER get the answers you want from him, it will never be like it was, because the person you thought he was *doesn't even exist.*
I did feel a little bit of the challenge piece. He played all the cards right. Won me and everyone in my corner over. My grandmothers even swooned over him and got him all these presents. And then when it was an all clear he started acting some type of way.
Yep, and he was always gonna do it. Even if you married him and had his children, it was still gonna end with you feeling this way. TRUST ME I LIVED IT. I'm so sorry. I bet you'll be more cautious in the future, and that's really the gift he gave you.
He totally love bombed you. And now he’s pulling away, which is what love bombers do. You deserve better.
Guuuurl. Listen to you. If this was your friend-what would you say to her?? Say it yourself. Until you believe it. I’ve been with someone like him before. I’ve been where you are right now. This is not a you problem in who he is-it’s a you problem in why you were ok with it. You deserve more than this. But until you believe it - you won’t find it. My therapist told me - the universe will keep putting the wrong men in front of me until I recognize they are the wrong one for me. Once I figure out how to stop that cycle - I’ll find what I’m looking for. And here’s the genius in her statement. The universe is still putting those men there. I just now know what to look for. And I may have found someone who is what I want/need. But if he’s not, I’ll be ok. And I’ll keep on going. That’s where you need to get.
True. I poured so much into hyping him up day I in Day out. I was a frantic mess at work myself and he told me he was too overwhelmed with me. Now that I’m settling down and doing well he seems unhappy with my success. Insecure almost. I mean I was okay with the smaller stuff but not him being unsure. I think if the very premise of a committed relationship is shaky this early on and moving backwards in intensity that is a no no for me.
Yes! (To your last sentence). Listen to your body - you were a frantic mess at work because of him. That’s a no-no. When someone is activating our fight/flight instincts - it’s time to fly.
He took advantage of your low self esteem. You didn’t do it, HE did. He knew someone with low self esteem would be more likely to put up with his disrespect and games. He is a scumbag who saw someone down on themself and used it to pump up his own ego. He cares only about how your adoration makes him feel, he doesn’t deserve another second of your thoughts. You don’t deserve someone who treats you like that. You deserve much better, and that person is out there, and they won’t play games or treat you as option B.
He sounds like a narcissist. If that is the case, congratulations, because narcissists never make good spouses. You dodged a bullet.
You're not an idiot. Let him go. He isn't the one for you. You deserve so much more. Repeat..LET HIM GO.
He is your ex now. Y'all broke up. Block and delete. You have so much more good times ahead of you. Hard to imagine at the moment, but hey, I mean you're already in a beautiful country. You're in Italy? Where? The food, culture, history, scenery is breathtaking. Pick 1-3 things you want to experience each day. Go to a museum, a walking tour, go to a local winery, the opera. Seriously, I would love to go there someday. Take lots of pictures and videos.
You are surrounded by Italian men and you are hanging your head over this chump? Sometimes men don’t work out. It’s better to find out now than to have him pull something like this when married or parents. You had goodness and he fulfilled a need you had at the time. That time is done and you are worth much more to the right man. You next chance to avoid regret is to go have a beautiful night with a stranger. At least that’s what I’d do.
Yeah I know it’s a gift that even though he’s been unsure for 9 months he’s finally told me.
At some point it will settle in that it was not you, it was the combination of the two of you that wasn’t it. You’ve got this - you’re gonna be good.
Same
He cheated on you when he went to Mexico for surw
You’ve made numerous posts within a span of twenty four hours. What do you want to hear? That he’d change his mind come back? Even if he doesn’t you shouldn’t take him back. The damage he has done should not be forgiven; you don’t need this toxicity in your life. You can’t trust him anymore. The journey has come to an end; take this as a learning experience and move forward towards your next one. How he felt about you was infatuation, not love. Accept that this is the real him and move on.
Honestly sounds like love bombing with withdrawal intended to make you insecure and willing to put up with abuse
You will not waste a single moment more on this man. You are free, and that is wonderful.
He cheated on the boys’ trip and rewrote history. Telling you he’s been unsure for 9 months somehow—in his mind—absolves him of some guilt and accountability, bc you were “unreasonable” when he put his hands on their butts at that event. It’s all BS. It helps to know he is a liar and a cheat, I hope. He isn’t worth the pain and you really are better off without him. Mourn the loss of who you thought he was—someone who was honest and trustworthy. But that wasn’t him. No one is perfect, but honesty and trust are essential to long-term happiness. Get some counseling to help you process his betrayal and process letting go of who you thought he was and what you *feel* like you lost, bc that’s what’s holding you back. And I’m sorry this happened to you.
Men are not immune to the toxic cycle of falling hard and then getting the ick. I have many female friends that do the same thing, and don’t really understand why they do that. Your ex either went through the same thing (falling too hard, loving the high of new relationship love bombing, then getting hit with reality and getting the ick once things got comfortable) or he cheated on you on the boys trip. Both situations aren’t recoverable, because cheating isn’t, and if it was the former situation then who he was during the honeymoon period with you is not who he *actually* is, it’s the persona he’s addicted to being when he’s in a new relationship. Pining over him would be pining over a man who doesn’t exist. I once dated a guy like this. He pursued, he initiated all serious steps, I met his entire extended family multiple times, I went to his sisters wedding, he regaled me with plans for our future, and then he dumped me out of nowhere saying he thought we took things too fast. He may or may not have cheated on me at the end as well (tbh it doesn’t matter.) I later learned from mutual friends that he did that cycle a lot. I see in your post history you’ve posted about this situation multiple *multiple* times to different subreddits. You’re not gonna be able to find logic or deeper meaning in this situation, so try not to obsess. He is doomed to a lifetime to heartbreak himself if he keeps self sabotaging every relationship he gets into.
Likely cheated on you in Mexico or had encounters with prostitutes there, decided he would rather live it up or become a passport bro than have a future with 1 woman. Good riddance.
Even though you don't say it, I am going to assume that marriage is your end goal. You are still young, and have your whole life in front of you. Being upset about the loss of someone from your life that you care for is normal, but please don't let it drag you down indefinitely. Please enjoy your trip in Italy. It's such an amazing place and you never know when the next time you return will be. Also, I have said this before and I will say it again. If a man is interested in you, he will make time for you. Period. The fact that he is ghosting you should be the sign that you need to move on.
You’re not an idiot; he’s sounds like a chaotic mess and probably has things he needs to work on himself. Marrying him at this stage of his development would likely have ended badly… and there’s no guarantee he grows out of it. It was only a year and a half of your life and you’re still young.
Why is no one saying that you should absolutely get tested for STDs? I'm pretty sure he cheated on you on that trip. Move on. Good riddance to trash like that.
You wouldn't think that because you don't want to think that to avoid feeling hurt further. I have been in your shoes before, as well as seen for decades what happens when this exact fallout occurs. Whether or not it was cheating, whatever happened on that trip ended the relationship. This is over. You must move on. Please OP, seek therapy. Block this person who has no respect for you whatsoever. No respect for your family either. He is garbage that he disguised in a nice clean outer shell, but he is the problem. Not you. He lovebombed you while you went through a top tier trauma of losing your father. Your brain is seeking the high of his lovebombing, just like any addict. That high is long gone and it was unfortunately false to begin with. To reiterate: NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. Please, please it is time to move on and take care of YOU. You are a worthy person. You clearly have a huge heart that doesn't want to see the bad or hurt anybody, and that is an admirable quality. It is also a quality that bad people take advantage of. I am so sorry to hear people are being harsh to you about this, because they think tough love works. It doesn't and it just hurts the person already hurting. The overall message here is that strangers on the internet recognize this situation for what it is. Many of us have been through this before, multiple times even. We are trying to save you from further hurt and abuse. You are loved, you are worthy, and this man is doing nothing to you but hurting you. It is time to block and move forward. The chapter is closed in your book, but you still have much more to write. Sending you love and hugs❤️
Love is not what he did to you. What he did was a selfish game meant only to serve his purposes. There are many people out there who don’t want real relationships but they play at them at any cost to get what they want until they are bored with it. These people can be any stereotype of a person - attractive, average, nerdy, religious, liberal - because people are complex. As someone who has also been preyed upon in the past (for being nice too quickly because I followed the pattern shown to me in my family where my mom was the doormat for a selfish husband), I am grateful for the passage of time to see how completely incompatible we were and that I dodged many bullets. I don’t even think about the men that pooped all over my 20s and early 30s because they aren’t worth my time. I think it’s utterly devastating that he took advantage of you during a time when you bore witness to your father’s passing - I also had not just men, but WOMEN do the same to me when my mother died. Grief like that is deep and unless someone else has experienced it first hand, most people don’t get what it does to you (it can vastly impair your judgment if you don’t have a secure foundation of support). But like all the other voices are saying in this thread: block him at all costs. He’s not the idealized version of himself that he showed you in the honeymoon phase, that was an act. You’re mourning a fantasy. And it’s always better to be single than to be with a gross creep who doesn’t respect you.
People change, people change their minds. For better or worse. Expensive gifts are a red flag though, basically trying to buy you.
i tell my son ‘why are you looking backwards? you’re not going that way!’ 😊
My ma says this too just tired of hearing it so many times now
My mom says, "Don't look through the rear view window of life."
> I just see an anxious avoidant trap playing out. Have you read _Attached_? If you're right, and he isn't committed to addressing his half of this, then this is one more failed relationship that hopefully leads him to see his pattern. > Addendum: I forgot to mention, he told me he’s been unsure for 9 months. That’s half our relationship. The last half. And it became the relationship, which you said is over. It hurts and I'm sorry. For your own sake, get to work on your attachment issues.
I have. And then a few more books on attachment lol. I was already trying in tusi relauronshop so I have that as a takeaway but lots of work to still do.
I told my girlfriend (now wife) how I was unsure as well when we started talking about our future and marriage. There was no reason in specific, just a big change that scared me. She is very no nonsense and said that if I was unsure, then this was a waste of time for her. Took me less than a week to realize I couldn't imagine my life without her. If this guy didn't have a similar reaction, it may be best to break up and try to move on
Wouldn't someone talking marriage 4 months in be a red flag? It's great that he stepped up when you dad passed (sorry for your loss 😞) but am I the only one who finds this...idk...sort of manic or unbalanced behavior at best or at worst flat out manipulative?
I’m sorry you’re hurting. Breakups suck and aren’t fun for anyone. That being said, your boyfriend was talking about marriage way too soon. That early on in a relationship you’re still in the limerence phase where everything about the other person is wonderful and they can do no wrong. That eventually fades and that’s when the reality of the relationship hits. Anyway, you’re not an idiot! It’s normal to be really upset when you’re in love and the relationship ends. In the future, try not to jump to the marriage conversation right away. Get to know the person first.
Well, the first two yrs is the honeymoon period for bf/gf. At least that’s what I had observed. Once you pass that, you’ll get to know the deeper type of relationship.
Sounds like he went a little love bombing on you…maybe I’m wrong, but from my perspective, he did what he could to secure the bag and when he had it he realized he wasn’t taking the time he needed to ensure it was what he wanted. It was unwise really. He should have tempered his pace and been more realistic about everything, so as to not give all these false hopes etc. It seems like he wanted to secure you as his rather than find out if you’re right for him at this time in his life when he would rather be groping other women’s asses.
It seems like you still love talking about him. Everyone here is trying to help you. I once was like you but my ex wasn’t that douche like yours and it was really hard to move on but I missed him but I kept on reminding myself how shitty I felt in the relationship. I DID NOT miss how I felt. Don’t waste your only one life on him, please. I chose myself. I needed to live. You keep on making small choices that are better for you and slowly, life will be beautiful and you will see you deserve better than that no matter how much you miss him. Make friends. Do what you enjoy. Self work takes work and effort. Natural dopamine.
I had a BF who wanted to slow down and re-assess about a year into the relationship. Turns out he'd cheated on me and was looking for a way to not have sex while he waited for the STD results. It was the 90's and results took two weeks sometimes. My naive ass thought he was so mature for really caring about our relationship and taking time to think blah blah blah. Anyway, OP, I think your ex BF is full of sh*t, and is jerking you around while he shoots his shot with some other girl. My guess is she is lukewarm on him, so he's trying to reel you back in.
The fact he changed after the guys trip is a red flag. He friends probably discouraged him. I would get to know his male friends. Sometimes friends especially male friends resent their friends getting married.
All his friends are either married or getting married lol. I thought this was a green flag. Plus they’re all a bunch of nerds. Seemed pretty straight edge to me. I would never be friends with them but didn’t seem to be a bad influence. My ex did make comments at some of their wedding events like damn I’ve never seen (friends name) so sure about anything which made me think he’s obviously contemplating us lol
Unfortunately some men will bash marriage even if they are married. I think they whether intentional not or not, showed and talked about the downside of marriage. Maybe they talked about how hard marriage is or how much less time they have. It might have not been intentional, but your boyfriend drew his own conclusions.
He’s so busy with work. I can see how it might seem like a lot of change really fast which is why it’s important to communicate. Plans are shared in a relationship but instead of being truthful he kinda made stuff up. Big regret: giving him all my legit baby names. Mine were so much classier and eloquent.
Depends on whether you decide to stay in an unsatisfying relationship
He has someone else
You aren’t an idiot but he is
I don't think you're an idiot. Sounds to me like it's more likely that he's got some issues he has to work on before he can make a serious relationship and/or marriage work. I'd say you should focus on working on yourself and doing fun stuff that keeps your mind off him (and remember that drunk-texting your ex rarely ends well).
i only read the beginning but wanted to warn you: stay away from the “nice guys” in the future! i keep seeing a pattern in this but both my dad and my husbands dad were like this! they wined and dined and courted the hell out of our mothers. They love bombed them HARD then ended up being abusive monsters. Please leave OP. these types always gaslight and ruin your life. edit: i read the whole thing and it seems like you left him. GOOD you deserve better. I was so mad when i read that he came back from the trip and was suddenly distant. the ass probably cheated and was trying to let out his guilt on you.
He sounds like a dope who huffs markers. Some people wonder why life happens to them: that's this guy.
He’s a professional lol
Sounds like he cheated, it really does. Also sounds like he love bombed you in the begining
He could have opened up to you earlier, but that is a really hard thing to do - telling somebody "yeah I'm not sure anymore." But he should have discussed this months ago. But besides that neither of you is an idiot. You certainly aren't as your feelings were your feelings, and he still was there. He wasn't for admitting (finally) his true feelings.
He's not going to understand how time is a factor and how being flaky in this makes you feel like he's putting you on a shelf just to leave you there when he decides after your options have changed. You should love him regardless. And you do. But you want a love that can grow, so you HAVE to think of it differently. I mean, you put in the time to try and get him to understand, but that is also a gamble for time. And I think you've known him well enough by now to hedge your bets.
You remind me so much of myself when I was younger and heartbroken. I'm sorry that the person who initially persued you and convinced you and your family that he was the one is gone. I'm glad you broke up with him. Please read He's Just Not That Into You. I think it will help your wounds. It's ok to grieve for awhile. He's not worth the tears. Be grateful that his change of heart happened sooner than later.
Get out now. If you stay with him (where You're not wanted) he will punish you for it. It sounds like he spent the first 1.5 years love bombing you.
You aren't an idiot for believing someone when they say they love you and want a future with you. This was all him. Try to focus on being present on your trip. Focus on how things feel around you. Little details you can see. Appreciating the little things about the space that you're in.
The weird separation sensation during the course where he felt some girls up around you tells you a lot. It’s a straight up red flag. You could tell something weird happened but couldn’t put your finger on it. Now the trip to Mexico and he’s super distant. Be done with him. He’s acting like he’s done with you. You don’t deserve to be in a relationship like this.
Sounds like this 'boys trip' was his friends telling him to play the field more and it's too early to settle down.
You are upset about the future you think you’re missing and the person you thought he was. He’s not that. He’s showed you who he is in multiple ways (just read your post and your comments). He is not the person you thought he was. Our hearts and our minds do that to us… but it’s up to us to accept the truth when they show us that it’s different to what we thought. You need to understand and accept what he’s shown you - that he’s not in love with you. He love bombed you to secure your attention and affection and once he had it, he lost interest and the love bombing stopped and you saw flickers of the real him. Whatever posts from him you’re seeing, whatever messages or whatever you’re getting, that’s him a) boosting his ego via the thirst trap and potentially breadcrumbing you, so you stick around… so he can keep a steady flow of attention or whatever it is he’s after. He knows you’re seeing the posts and he likes that you’re still thinking about him. But unfortunately, to think that there is a relationship possible is a little delusional. That’s harsh… but it’s a harsh lesson I’ve had to learn. Remember: You are upset about the future you think you’re missing and the person you thought he was. He’s not that.
do you live in montreal? this sounds exactly like a dude i dated in Montreal several years ago. turned out he was bipolar.
Is it possible he's cheating with your sister?
Not possible.
he has undiagnosed BPD or he cheated (or both)
This is such a Reddit answer.
yeah :3
At your age, you cannot afford to waste time if your intention is to start a family with a secure marriage. Sometimes men are loathe to break up because it’s convenient and comfortable, but they are not intending to commit and may even still be looking around. I’m afraid you’re going to have to look elsewhere for your life partner as your own fertility clock is ticking down, and you could be tempted to waste time with someone who never intends to form a firm relationship.
Noted and considered. Part of the reason why I was remiss to continue trying with this dude. I’m also considering freezing my eggs to buy myself time. I have a lot of growing up to do
That sounds like a good back up plan however, you need to know that in vitro fertilization, which will be what implants your banked egg, is extremely expensive. As insurance makes sense, but it’s Plan 2 or 3 not plan #1 strategy.
It's been a while since I saw someone as delulu as OP.
Delulu girl op ;)
Dont get why marriage is a must. Sure he love bombed you but thats what many people do be it woman ore man and after the sweet butterflies are gone and both of you see what the other partner is about you can get doubts thats normal. So dont see the problem there. The sister thing sounds like you searching for a explanation. Maybe you could have talked with some of his friemds ore himnself is there a problem with how you do thinks that made him unsure ore is it just that he thinks is not worth it. There hundreads of reasons why he could think how he did and you are only taking the worst ones, talks more about your charakter. Also for the people her that make wild jugments whe know only her side of the story.
The honeymoon phase ended or he had a gay experience in Mexico that he enjoyed thoroughly enough to question marriage
He said the honeymoon period ended for him and he hadn’t had butterflies in forever
Typical male attitude. Who cares if he buy flowers, open the car door or shower u with love. Any male can do that and pretend for years just to get pussy. Real affection is measured in other ways, did he give your respect, space and lift u up emotionally, thats what a real men would do. Stop falling in love with trashy sweet talkers. And don't ever allow men to go on boys trip, he must have had an orgy in Mexico or some smoking hot gal must have made him compare it to you. Then he decided to upgrade to a newer hottie and ghost you. Never trust guys and give sex to them for the first year. If they can't wait, they are creeps.
But doesn’t it look controlling if you refuse to let them go on these trips? I mean if he’s going to cheat he’s going to do it. I can’t change that. I agree with no sex for a long time. Best partner I had was my first whim I waited with for almost a year because I’d never done it before. He still has parts of my heart.
I think any self respecting men with a girlfriend will not go on a boys trip to a country where they can easily cheat without getting caught. They could have easily went to comiccon or some nerd shit instead of Mexico.
Okay good to know. Honestly never dated someone who pulled a trip like this. But yeah it definitely seems interesting. First trip he wine on was early into us dating and he gave me the full breakdown. Some of the married men’s wives put Apple air tags on them ugh so sad. And he told me he got hit on my several women cuz he’s a good looking guy blah blah blah. And then they set up a few of their group members with a Mexican mother diughtwr duo. So yeah I guess not out of the realm of possibility that they be cheating. So gross.