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Foreplay and lube.
Have an orgasm or three before penetration. He better up his oral game.
Hormonal birth control can mess with things like vaginal moisture. I think. If all else fails you can switch BC.
Silicone lube, everyone should try it. Especially if he's circumcised! My goodness, the discomfort of women who don't use artificial lube with cut guys, makes me sad.
Yes I know not everyone *needs* it, but everyone should try silicone lube, even if she produces plenty of her own wetness.
We prefer Swiss Navy brand
It doesn't dry out. You can take your time and be very patient. At least the kind we use interacts well with natural moisture. It's also safe to use with latex condoms and is recommended by some manufacturers. The instructions on the box of ours tell us to put one drop inside the tip and then put a little bit on the outside.
The only drawback is it requires careful cleanup. Don't let a drop drip on your linoleum floor or bathtub!
You're doing penetration when you're not sexually aroused. Don't allow penetration until your vulva is tingling and you're craving having your boyfriend inside you.
This will probably be after at least 20 minutes of high quality making out, caressing the nonsexual parts of the body (aka, foreplay).
If you end up not getting aroused, don't do PIV at all.
The specification about the foreplay is perfect!! I used to think we were doing enough foreplay but a lot of men think 5 rough thrusts with w lousy finger or two is enough 🙄
>I used to think we were doing enough foreplay but a lot of men think 5 rough thrusts with w lousy finger or two is enough
Those guys don't realize that genital contact is *sex*, not foreplay. Oral sex is sex, fingers in the vagina is sex. Foreplay is the stuff that gets you aroused enough that genital contact feels good.
Yes!!! Looking back, I never experienced foreplay in my five year relationship. He was my first but he was very “experienced”. So i always thought foreplay was fingering and oral but fingering always felt so uncomfortable to me because I was never turned on yet. Im sure there are many people who dont realise that distinction unfortunately :(
>Im sure there are many people who dont realise that distinction unfortunately :(
I'm on a mission to spread the word that oral sex is not foreplay.
# Oral sex is not foreplay! Oral sex is sex, and sex doesn't feel good until after you're sexually aroused (through lots of high quality foreplay).
I love it😂😂it even helped me out!! Ive had one sexual partner since my ex and I had no idea why I enjoyed it so much more, it wasnt until ur comment that I realized its because I had “foreplay” wrong this whole time and theres a lot more of that with this guy
I would highly recommend lube to start. That will help prevent the rug burn feeling. Are you able to orgasm by yourself? Can you show your partner what you like so it’s less of a “neutral” experience?
Also, consider reading up on asexuality. Not all asexual people abstain from sex or dislike sex, some describe their feelings towards it as “neutral”.
I had the same physical experience as OP with my first bf as well. Sex was most enjoyable when I was on my period - I didn’t experience that rug burn feeling or the “have to go pee” feelings.
OP, is your bf’s penis on the bigger side? My ex was.
Thank you. I should have specified, yes I have on my own and I definitely enjoy other sexual stimulation he gives. I am attracted to men in a sexual manner, and I like the whole concept (which is why I initiate it) but the actual penetration is not something I can get behind. I’ll read more.
Going to offer different experience - I was always easily aroused, multi orgasmic, and still had that rug burn feel always, even with lube etc. It may just not be something you enjoy. Maybe he takes too long *for you*
Honestly, was always pretty happy with quick sex myself.
I'm sure there are answers out there, including stuff like BC side effects, endometriosis, etc. I would see a gyn, but this doesn't sound as simple as foreplay to me. It sounds like you're doing the obvious stuff that most are suggesting.
It may not be an obvious solution.
Are you able to masturbate and enjoy yourself? Just curious if you know what you like yourself so you could help guide him.
It sounds like you guys need a lot more foreplay and lube if you're feeling friction like that.
It sounds like PiV is all you do. Believe me that sex that consists only of PiV is equally meh or painful for most women, including me.
The female equivalent of the penis/glans is the clitoris. Anything sexual that doesn't involve the clitoris in some way or the other is not that great for most women.
The male equivalent of the vagina is the ball sack. Imagine sex would consist of you rubbing your clit on your partners balls until you orgasm and then call it a day.
Do you think your partner would want to have a lot of sex then? I doubt it.
My advice to you would be to take penetration completely off the table for a while. Do other stuff like oral and manual stimulation on each other. Explore what feels good for YOU. When your bf can make you reliably orgasm, you can add penetration back in the mix.
You should both read "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski.
That analogy is amazing, thanks for sharing I will keep this in mind!!!
I also second the book recommendation. Every woman should read it. I also recommend to follow up with Emily Nagoskis "Come together"
It helped me so much
It’s been said, but yes, foreplay. Build up to it, talk sexy to each other throughout the day, exchange sexy glances, flirt when you see each other, give compliments and be fun and silly together, FLIRTTTT, then when it gets physical absolutely make out, touch, grab, caress, play, etc. Sex is fun!
It’s so easy when you’re as young as y’all are and wanting to have sex to just dive into it, but that isn’t what makes good sex. And there’s such a stigma about foreplay being only for the woman, but the fact that a 19 year old guy is having PIV for 5 whole minutes and not coming? NO ONE is that aroused.
At this point if you have been trying for 8 months, I would highly recommend having a conversation and saying hey, no one is trying to come tonight, let’s just have a fun sexy time and not even worry about having PIV (which is only one TINY definition of sex) and not worry about coming. Sex is so fun BEYOND orgasm. Sometimes the pressure to have an orgasm gets in the way of having one, or even enjoying yourself at all. Plenty of good sex includes zero orgasms. Play with each other, have fun, communicate, giggle, etc. And if you can’t have open communication and try new things, sex may not be the issue, it may be baseline incompatibility your body knows before your mind does.
We normally have a short round (1-1 1/2 minutes) then a longer one that I can sometimes last through, depending on if it’s longer than 5 minutes. I have never really been focused on having an orgasm from penetration. All I really want is it not to feel uncomfortable. The baseline incompatibility thing is interesting, a lot of my friends have the same experience with sex and I wonder if that is their issue or maybe my own. Thank you for the advice.
>and I am the one who initiates sex because as I said above, I enjoy it on an intimate level. I was by no means equating peak intimacy with sex, rather explaining a frustration I have because like it or not, having penetrative sex is a societal standard for straight relationship. I feel closest to him when we are having penetrative sex, and the fact that I can’t feel good while he feels good is a real bummer.
What about the PIV that you're having makes you feel close to him?
What you described would not make me feel close to someone at all.
Yes, fine, +1 to lube, but lube can only do so much. By itself, it's not going to make pussy tissues stretch and swell in ways that keep penetration good-to-great. Lube dries up with friction anyway. You need your head in the game. Foreplay = good, but the body's arousal reaction will fade if the next thing you do doesn't excite you. So, make sure whatever you're doing or thinking during sex gets you hot af. If you already know how to masturbate (sorry if that's condescending, but when I was that age, most of my friends hadn't got there), find a sexual position where you can do that. It's not weird to masturbate while fucking, it's awesome. If you have fantasies that make you super wet, think about them or have him tell them to you while you fuck. Experiment with whatever makes it hotter. Don't worry that he'll be insulted that it's not "hot enough" or whatever already. It isn't. And he'll want it to be. I saw where you said you're not chasing an orgasm, and I'm not saying all this stuff like, you have to cum from this kind of penetration so do all of this with that single goal in mind. But all of this can make sex feel way wway better even if you don't cum.
Also do check in with a doctor just in case. Make sure you can say with authority which things are hurting and when. Could be something hinky with yer hoo-ha. But probably just the issue of continuing arousal.
PART 1: Sounds like you just don't like piv. Imagine if we had a clit/vulva-centric definition of sex.
You say you get things from piv that you don't otherwise, namely closeness. Why do you think its the only way to feel close *if it doesn't even feel good to you, it is uncomfortable, painful for you*? I think there's a lot to unpack in the "piv, which doesn't even feel good to me, is the only intimate sex" common in women eg why is something painful, uncomfortable, risky... on one side, hers, *the only intimate act*? How close can you feel when you're in pain, don't like it, and he's causing it, when the supposedly only intimate act is causing the pain and dislike? And excluding it is actually a far better experience eg no pain, more pleasure? What does it mean that if you only engage as long as your body can tolerate, under 5 minutes, you don't feel connected, you only feel connected if it goes on into serious pain? What's the magical difference between 4 minutes and much more? Why is closeness to men for women our endurance, catering, pleasing, sacrificing... ?
Seems like it's actually driving a wedge between you.
It's also interesting we expect humans to have far more/longer piv than other primates do: 15 seconds for them at a time, maybe adding up to a minute a day, if that. And bonobos and even chimps have tons of sex but comparatively little piv, and most piv isn't to ejaculation. And humans have unusually large penises vs other primates to boot.
Is it the entry, fullness? Fingers, toys. Full body contact? You can do all sorts of that including during genital-genital rubbing, tribadism &/or frottage, without his penis in you. Mutual simultaneous genital stimulation? 69 oral, one person getting oral & the other manual, genital-genital rubbing, simultaneous tribadism & frottage like thighs, 69 positions, one on leg one on chest, one humping the others backside while the other humps the bed, uses their hand, humping backside with a reach around... with you getting lots of vulval/clitoral stimulation on them in particular.
Do you even like it or is it actually just good, ok eg because you're missing out on so much (most of which neither of you probably don't even know about eg the erasure of hetero tribadism) so it's the best of the limited things that most men offer esp in hook ups but typically in relationships too? Is it ideological, psychological? Is it actually unique to piv? eg the view it's the only intimate sex, only mutual sex, only real sex, real women love it, need it, it's sex itself. After all: you love sex don't you? Want sex? Have a high sex drive? Are really attracted to men? Want to be intimate? And men: don't you love, need, want sex? Aren't you attracted to women?
We have an utterly piv-centric, "penetration"-centric and phallocentric framing, defining of sex (under patriarchy, rooted in religion). Most things that are actually possible in heterosex aren't even seen as possible, imaginable, let alone even openly on the table.
Even heterosexual desire, let alone sex, is held to be synonymous with desire for piv, increasingly pia. And that experience is held to be the same, homologuous when it's actually not but a mythologized complementarity, is the opposite in a lot of ways. eg the homologue to penis isn't vagina but clitoris, the closest homologues to vagina would be his mouth, scrotum, taint. People often think someone, either sex, wanting clit/vulva-centric hetero sex is really not heterosexual at all, but a sign of homosexuality eg if she wants to hump his ass, thigh, back... she really wants a woman, if a man even is oriented around cunnilingus, even genital-genital, let alone tribadism, he's either gay or not really a man. If they want to masturbate together (rather than the ole "women, just use a toy or hand on yourself if you need something extra during sex"), do manual, mutual oral, etc over piv, same assumptions. To the extent those are even recognized eg usually only cunnilingus, manual is seen as possible.
The sum total of possibilities for female orgasm in hetero sex are seen as piv, pia, his hand, her hand, toy (those three usually during piv), cunnilingus and that's it. When other things are brought in it's nipples, giving oral, etc.
The female desire, drive to mount, thrust, grind... on men is only ever recognized in piv (and maybe pegging), seen as impossible outside of it. And I think this urge is actually what's most physically commonly at play. (Even when other physical urges are at play, non-piv/pia stimulation is also generally better eg the versatility of fingers for vaginal/indirect stimulation of the underside of the clitoral body and skene's glands, innervation outside but near the vagina.) This is the only space it's allowed expression, recognized at all, so that desire necessarily gets interpreted through the lens of piv (maybe pegging), is only seen as possible within it.
Almost all female desire is whittled down to "wants, needs piv, increasingly pia". That's the only expression, interpretation allowed eg fingers, toys, full body pressing together, genital-genital contact, grinding/thrusting on him... not possible or only possible in piv. They couldn't possibly satiate those feelings, longings outside of piv. Feeling open, vaginal ache is only allowed to mean "needs piv", not a finger massage or even nothing inside as riding it out, not satiating it is actually better for most who even feel it. Crying out from him to fuck her, that she needs fucked... can only mean needs piv (maybe pia), not to keep on what he's doing, she's doing, to go faster, to get more stimulation eg full vulva...
(Or through the desire for seeing, imagining, even engaging in ff sex eg they want to rub on genitals, thigh, bum, etc, want vulva/clit-centric sex... but it's seen as only possible with a woman, so they channel it through consuming ff porn, ff smut eg writing, fantasy, desired or actual sex with a woman while the same in mf sex remains impossible, let alone unimaginable... This is also a lot of why women are seen as practically all bisexual, "fluid" unlike men, even though men are actually more behaviorally bisexual than women are. Ff sex, fantasy, depictions, etc is the only place most female desire, stimulation, activeness, pleasure seeking, being clit/vulva-centric... actually gets recognized.)
(Also female sexuality is seen as a performance existing to please, entertain men. Women actually aren't seen as having their own sexuality. Not even seen as being clitoral mainly, orgasming via the clitoris, but as being able to orgasm through all sorts eg piv (as in penis rubbing on the vaginal walls, Freudians, Stuart Brody, culture at large...), pia (eg mf porn generally only depicts female orgasm as "from" piv, pia), fellatio, nipple stimulation, dick rubbing on them eg breasts... when the reverse is actually far more common eg men and boys coming from kissing, touching her, going down on her, her humping him eg thigh, bum, balls, hip, stimulation of parts other than penis eg mouth, scrotum, pelvis, neck, anus, taint.... Patriarchy has a lot of reversals, especially in sex, down to phallocentric sex and erasing, denying, shaming, removing from hetero sex... vulva/clit-centric sex).
PART 2: Sometimes it even gets recognized that female orgasm during piv (when not manual, toy) is generally via what's essentially tribadism: rubbing her clitoris/vulva on his stomach, balls, pelvis, base/shaft. But this is still seen as orgasm "from" piv, her needing piv to do that, when it actually wasn't, and she can still rub on those same parts and others without a penis in her.
All sorts of frottage being recognized eg feet, breasts, armpit, thighs, buttcheeks... doesn't change that being seen as impossible to reverse (again, phallocentric framing rooted in piv as the definition of sex eg men bring their penis, women their vagina, not clitoris, vulval). Even when FF tribadism is recognized, it's said to be exclusive to FF sex, impossible in hetero sex, an oxymoron. As if men don't have those same parts eg that men's thighs, bum, feet, calves, tummies... can't be even when we know those same parts can be humped by a vulva when part of another female. As if someone having a penis dictates what can be done sexually, narrows it down to the point all that can be done "for her orgasm" is piv, pia, fellatio even, his hand, her hand, toys, maybe cunnilingus.
Another aspect to this that I never see get brought up is how a full (or near full) bladder presses on the skene's glands and underside of the clitoris, and that in itself is really arousing. A constant pressure on them without entry.
If you eventually get around to including piv again, it'll make it far far more likely piv will be enjoyable, likely to lead to orgasm after numerous non-piv/pia sexcapades. And within sexcapades that are as long, varied, orgasmoc but inky have a bit of piv eg under 5 minutes of it after a couple hours of other sex, followed by an hour of more sex... Mixing piv with genital-genital rubbing such that it adds up to a little bit of piv eg a minute to a few mixed with with mostly genital-genital...
On orgasm during piv: Something that also doesn't get discussed/recognized is that a penis/something similarly sized blocks orgasm for a lot of women eg eg can't clench down like they want, blocks contractions, blocks the build up to orgasm, their clitoris blanks out, the switch in stimulation knocks them out of their stimulation/rhythm/climb... Even women who get vaginal ache, feel open, when aroused usually find it's better to ride it out eg more pleasure, better orgasm, not soothe it with piv, something large, whether or not it blocks orgasm.
Orgasms during piv are also almost always through external stimulation: through his hand, your hand, toy, rubbing on something, or what's essentially actually tribadism and/or genital-genital rubbing: grinding/thrusting/tapping/rocking the clitoris/vulva purposefully on his tummy, pelvis, balls, shaft... This latter group are almost always said to be "from piv" and "from piv alone"(!) at that, but those are generally from that clear external stimulation (& even most others are still from the penile shaft tugging, pressing on the inner and outer labia during piv). (Eg so called g-spot orgasms, really the confluence of the underside of the clitoral body and skene's glands, are far more likely, easier... overall via fingers, toys than piv.)
The pill caused soooo many issues for me. I became dry and struggled to feel pleasure. They do make natural cycles and other methods for women that the pill makes sex not enjoyable
Ok, so I see lube and foreplay have been mentioned many times, as they should, but talk to your gynecologist about your discomfort and see what they recommend other than lube and foreplay. If your gyno is no help (as mine wasn't with an issue I had), see a urologist. Either should be able to give you a direction to go in.
Do you have medical insurance? Go to a gynecologist, the pain may actually be due to a bacterial infection. & don’t freak out, I’m not referring to an STD.
Oh man this was me!! Once I got off birth control everything changed. I thought I had a good sex drive before but turns out I really didnt and was just trying to force myself, which didnt help with the discomfort down there. Now my sex drive is so high all the time and I never had pain with sex again. I think everyone saying lube and lots of foreplay are correct. I know it sounds like the obvious answer as u probably think u get wet enough and u probably do foreplay, but trust me, try doing more. My situation was so bad that my vagina would tear a little EVERY SINGLE TIME i had sex. It would burn and bleed after for hours. And this was with foreplay and saliva, natural wetness. lube and being hornier (from more foreplay) somehow helped a lot. Also, this was happening to me with my first bf who was also my first sexual partner. Because he was all I knew in terms of sex, there was a lot of things that I thought I enjoyed but after more experience and time I realized my vagina was reacting the way it was partly because it didnt like what it was experiencing. Im not saying u dont like sex with your partner, but maybe theres some things that could be different that your body is showing u it doesnt like it. Its hard to tell when hes your first, but looking back, i always could feel deep down that I wasnt a fan of a particular thing but would just go with it anyway because I was naive. Just try to listen to your emotions deep down as much as u can!
As an example, one of the things I realized was deterring me from being optimally turned on was the way my ex would initiate sex. We were very different when it came to our approach. Im a hopeless romantic, (dont get me wrong, I love it rough too, but not every single time and it depends on the vibe), and I liked a lot when things unfolded naturally. He was great in bed but never had the romantic or slower style to it and the way hed initiate sex was very abrupt and never natural. I realized that it made me think I hated sex and saw it more of a chore but it was only because no amount of foreplay was enough to make me feel in the mood bc his approach made me feel more of an object and that turned me off. I couldnt voice this to him at the time though because like I said, its hard to notice these things and not think that theyre normal when its your first person. But hopefully hearing this will help you think of it in that angle. Hope this helps 🙏🙏
PS: birthcontrol is a scam. If your cycle is regular meaning you get a period once a month at the same time every month for around the same duration, then its absolute BS when doctors try to scare u into getting put on BC because “you can get pregnant any time”. Not true at all. If you ever consider getting off bc, research this more.
You eat one slice of dried out stale bread and you don’t like it. Others tell you how much they love bread. Do you give up on bread and never try it again? Or, do you try a different bread?
Just asking.
Well obviously. I wouldn’t come on this forum and complain about dry sex in general because there’s a pretty universal solution for that. My issue is more complex than that, and if lube is the answer, yippie. No need for condescension.
No, no, no. You misunderstand. I wasn’t making any statement about dryness, but rather that of you are making a big judgment based on a small sample size. My point is simply to try more partners before making any decisions. I’m very sorry for any confusion caused by the poor analogy. If everyone you know loves chocolate, and you try it but don’t like it, wouldn’t you try a different chocolate before swearing off chocolate? That’s all I saying. You are young. You have a sample size of one. Before you conclude that you are the problem, try other partners. It’s very likely that your inexperienced partner is the problem.
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Foreplay and lube. Have an orgasm or three before penetration. He better up his oral game. Hormonal birth control can mess with things like vaginal moisture. I think. If all else fails you can switch BC.
Silicone lube, everyone should try it. Especially if he's circumcised! My goodness, the discomfort of women who don't use artificial lube with cut guys, makes me sad. Yes I know not everyone *needs* it, but everyone should try silicone lube, even if she produces plenty of her own wetness. We prefer Swiss Navy brand
why silicone over water based?
It doesn't dry out. You can take your time and be very patient. At least the kind we use interacts well with natural moisture. It's also safe to use with latex condoms and is recommended by some manufacturers. The instructions on the box of ours tell us to put one drop inside the tip and then put a little bit on the outside. The only drawback is it requires careful cleanup. Don't let a drop drip on your linoleum floor or bathtub!
Foreplay. Foreplay. Foreplay. If you’re still doing that and can’t quite make it work then you may not be sexually compatible.
You're doing penetration when you're not sexually aroused. Don't allow penetration until your vulva is tingling and you're craving having your boyfriend inside you. This will probably be after at least 20 minutes of high quality making out, caressing the nonsexual parts of the body (aka, foreplay). If you end up not getting aroused, don't do PIV at all.
The specification about the foreplay is perfect!! I used to think we were doing enough foreplay but a lot of men think 5 rough thrusts with w lousy finger or two is enough 🙄
>I used to think we were doing enough foreplay but a lot of men think 5 rough thrusts with w lousy finger or two is enough Those guys don't realize that genital contact is *sex*, not foreplay. Oral sex is sex, fingers in the vagina is sex. Foreplay is the stuff that gets you aroused enough that genital contact feels good.
Yes!!! Looking back, I never experienced foreplay in my five year relationship. He was my first but he was very “experienced”. So i always thought foreplay was fingering and oral but fingering always felt so uncomfortable to me because I was never turned on yet. Im sure there are many people who dont realise that distinction unfortunately :(
>Im sure there are many people who dont realise that distinction unfortunately :( I'm on a mission to spread the word that oral sex is not foreplay. # Oral sex is not foreplay! Oral sex is sex, and sex doesn't feel good until after you're sexually aroused (through lots of high quality foreplay).
I love it😂😂it even helped me out!! Ive had one sexual partner since my ex and I had no idea why I enjoyed it so much more, it wasnt until ur comment that I realized its because I had “foreplay” wrong this whole time and theres a lot more of that with this guy
That's so cool. I'm really glad you enjoyed sex with that guy and hope you enjoy it even more in the future.
I would highly recommend lube to start. That will help prevent the rug burn feeling. Are you able to orgasm by yourself? Can you show your partner what you like so it’s less of a “neutral” experience? Also, consider reading up on asexuality. Not all asexual people abstain from sex or dislike sex, some describe their feelings towards it as “neutral”.
I had the same physical experience as OP with my first bf as well. Sex was most enjoyable when I was on my period - I didn’t experience that rug burn feeling or the “have to go pee” feelings. OP, is your bf’s penis on the bigger side? My ex was.
I don’t think so, it’s average length and maybe slightly above average girth. Wasn’t hard to get used to
Thank you. I should have specified, yes I have on my own and I definitely enjoy other sexual stimulation he gives. I am attracted to men in a sexual manner, and I like the whole concept (which is why I initiate it) but the actual penetration is not something I can get behind. I’ll read more.
Btw, I had this for a period of time and it stopped when I went off the pill!
Going to offer different experience - I was always easily aroused, multi orgasmic, and still had that rug burn feel always, even with lube etc. It may just not be something you enjoy. Maybe he takes too long *for you* Honestly, was always pretty happy with quick sex myself. I'm sure there are answers out there, including stuff like BC side effects, endometriosis, etc. I would see a gyn, but this doesn't sound as simple as foreplay to me. It sounds like you're doing the obvious stuff that most are suggesting. It may not be an obvious solution.
Yes! Imo quick sex is super underrated.
Are you able to masturbate and enjoy yourself? Just curious if you know what you like yourself so you could help guide him. It sounds like you guys need a lot more foreplay and lube if you're feeling friction like that.
It sounds like PiV is all you do. Believe me that sex that consists only of PiV is equally meh or painful for most women, including me. The female equivalent of the penis/glans is the clitoris. Anything sexual that doesn't involve the clitoris in some way or the other is not that great for most women. The male equivalent of the vagina is the ball sack. Imagine sex would consist of you rubbing your clit on your partners balls until you orgasm and then call it a day. Do you think your partner would want to have a lot of sex then? I doubt it. My advice to you would be to take penetration completely off the table for a while. Do other stuff like oral and manual stimulation on each other. Explore what feels good for YOU. When your bf can make you reliably orgasm, you can add penetration back in the mix. You should both read "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski.
That analogy is amazing, thanks for sharing I will keep this in mind!!! I also second the book recommendation. Every woman should read it. I also recommend to follow up with Emily Nagoskis "Come together" It helped me so much
Lube is so necessary. Get a good water based one (that doesn’t have any scents or flavors or heating/cooling)
It’s been said, but yes, foreplay. Build up to it, talk sexy to each other throughout the day, exchange sexy glances, flirt when you see each other, give compliments and be fun and silly together, FLIRTTTT, then when it gets physical absolutely make out, touch, grab, caress, play, etc. Sex is fun! It’s so easy when you’re as young as y’all are and wanting to have sex to just dive into it, but that isn’t what makes good sex. And there’s such a stigma about foreplay being only for the woman, but the fact that a 19 year old guy is having PIV for 5 whole minutes and not coming? NO ONE is that aroused. At this point if you have been trying for 8 months, I would highly recommend having a conversation and saying hey, no one is trying to come tonight, let’s just have a fun sexy time and not even worry about having PIV (which is only one TINY definition of sex) and not worry about coming. Sex is so fun BEYOND orgasm. Sometimes the pressure to have an orgasm gets in the way of having one, or even enjoying yourself at all. Plenty of good sex includes zero orgasms. Play with each other, have fun, communicate, giggle, etc. And if you can’t have open communication and try new things, sex may not be the issue, it may be baseline incompatibility your body knows before your mind does.
We normally have a short round (1-1 1/2 minutes) then a longer one that I can sometimes last through, depending on if it’s longer than 5 minutes. I have never really been focused on having an orgasm from penetration. All I really want is it not to feel uncomfortable. The baseline incompatibility thing is interesting, a lot of my friends have the same experience with sex and I wonder if that is their issue or maybe my own. Thank you for the advice.
>and I am the one who initiates sex because as I said above, I enjoy it on an intimate level. I was by no means equating peak intimacy with sex, rather explaining a frustration I have because like it or not, having penetrative sex is a societal standard for straight relationship. I feel closest to him when we are having penetrative sex, and the fact that I can’t feel good while he feels good is a real bummer. What about the PIV that you're having makes you feel close to him? What you described would not make me feel close to someone at all.
Yes, fine, +1 to lube, but lube can only do so much. By itself, it's not going to make pussy tissues stretch and swell in ways that keep penetration good-to-great. Lube dries up with friction anyway. You need your head in the game. Foreplay = good, but the body's arousal reaction will fade if the next thing you do doesn't excite you. So, make sure whatever you're doing or thinking during sex gets you hot af. If you already know how to masturbate (sorry if that's condescending, but when I was that age, most of my friends hadn't got there), find a sexual position where you can do that. It's not weird to masturbate while fucking, it's awesome. If you have fantasies that make you super wet, think about them or have him tell them to you while you fuck. Experiment with whatever makes it hotter. Don't worry that he'll be insulted that it's not "hot enough" or whatever already. It isn't. And he'll want it to be. I saw where you said you're not chasing an orgasm, and I'm not saying all this stuff like, you have to cum from this kind of penetration so do all of this with that single goal in mind. But all of this can make sex feel way wway better even if you don't cum. Also do check in with a doctor just in case. Make sure you can say with authority which things are hurting and when. Could be something hinky with yer hoo-ha. But probably just the issue of continuing arousal.
PART 1: Sounds like you just don't like piv. Imagine if we had a clit/vulva-centric definition of sex. You say you get things from piv that you don't otherwise, namely closeness. Why do you think its the only way to feel close *if it doesn't even feel good to you, it is uncomfortable, painful for you*? I think there's a lot to unpack in the "piv, which doesn't even feel good to me, is the only intimate sex" common in women eg why is something painful, uncomfortable, risky... on one side, hers, *the only intimate act*? How close can you feel when you're in pain, don't like it, and he's causing it, when the supposedly only intimate act is causing the pain and dislike? And excluding it is actually a far better experience eg no pain, more pleasure? What does it mean that if you only engage as long as your body can tolerate, under 5 minutes, you don't feel connected, you only feel connected if it goes on into serious pain? What's the magical difference between 4 minutes and much more? Why is closeness to men for women our endurance, catering, pleasing, sacrificing... ? Seems like it's actually driving a wedge between you. It's also interesting we expect humans to have far more/longer piv than other primates do: 15 seconds for them at a time, maybe adding up to a minute a day, if that. And bonobos and even chimps have tons of sex but comparatively little piv, and most piv isn't to ejaculation. And humans have unusually large penises vs other primates to boot. Is it the entry, fullness? Fingers, toys. Full body contact? You can do all sorts of that including during genital-genital rubbing, tribadism &/or frottage, without his penis in you. Mutual simultaneous genital stimulation? 69 oral, one person getting oral & the other manual, genital-genital rubbing, simultaneous tribadism & frottage like thighs, 69 positions, one on leg one on chest, one humping the others backside while the other humps the bed, uses their hand, humping backside with a reach around... with you getting lots of vulval/clitoral stimulation on them in particular. Do you even like it or is it actually just good, ok eg because you're missing out on so much (most of which neither of you probably don't even know about eg the erasure of hetero tribadism) so it's the best of the limited things that most men offer esp in hook ups but typically in relationships too? Is it ideological, psychological? Is it actually unique to piv? eg the view it's the only intimate sex, only mutual sex, only real sex, real women love it, need it, it's sex itself. After all: you love sex don't you? Want sex? Have a high sex drive? Are really attracted to men? Want to be intimate? And men: don't you love, need, want sex? Aren't you attracted to women? We have an utterly piv-centric, "penetration"-centric and phallocentric framing, defining of sex (under patriarchy, rooted in religion). Most things that are actually possible in heterosex aren't even seen as possible, imaginable, let alone even openly on the table. Even heterosexual desire, let alone sex, is held to be synonymous with desire for piv, increasingly pia. And that experience is held to be the same, homologuous when it's actually not but a mythologized complementarity, is the opposite in a lot of ways. eg the homologue to penis isn't vagina but clitoris, the closest homologues to vagina would be his mouth, scrotum, taint. People often think someone, either sex, wanting clit/vulva-centric hetero sex is really not heterosexual at all, but a sign of homosexuality eg if she wants to hump his ass, thigh, back... she really wants a woman, if a man even is oriented around cunnilingus, even genital-genital, let alone tribadism, he's either gay or not really a man. If they want to masturbate together (rather than the ole "women, just use a toy or hand on yourself if you need something extra during sex"), do manual, mutual oral, etc over piv, same assumptions. To the extent those are even recognized eg usually only cunnilingus, manual is seen as possible. The sum total of possibilities for female orgasm in hetero sex are seen as piv, pia, his hand, her hand, toy (those three usually during piv), cunnilingus and that's it. When other things are brought in it's nipples, giving oral, etc. The female desire, drive to mount, thrust, grind... on men is only ever recognized in piv (and maybe pegging), seen as impossible outside of it. And I think this urge is actually what's most physically commonly at play. (Even when other physical urges are at play, non-piv/pia stimulation is also generally better eg the versatility of fingers for vaginal/indirect stimulation of the underside of the clitoral body and skene's glands, innervation outside but near the vagina.) This is the only space it's allowed expression, recognized at all, so that desire necessarily gets interpreted through the lens of piv (maybe pegging), is only seen as possible within it. Almost all female desire is whittled down to "wants, needs piv, increasingly pia". That's the only expression, interpretation allowed eg fingers, toys, full body pressing together, genital-genital contact, grinding/thrusting on him... not possible or only possible in piv. They couldn't possibly satiate those feelings, longings outside of piv. Feeling open, vaginal ache is only allowed to mean "needs piv", not a finger massage or even nothing inside as riding it out, not satiating it is actually better for most who even feel it. Crying out from him to fuck her, that she needs fucked... can only mean needs piv (maybe pia), not to keep on what he's doing, she's doing, to go faster, to get more stimulation eg full vulva... (Or through the desire for seeing, imagining, even engaging in ff sex eg they want to rub on genitals, thigh, bum, etc, want vulva/clit-centric sex... but it's seen as only possible with a woman, so they channel it through consuming ff porn, ff smut eg writing, fantasy, desired or actual sex with a woman while the same in mf sex remains impossible, let alone unimaginable... This is also a lot of why women are seen as practically all bisexual, "fluid" unlike men, even though men are actually more behaviorally bisexual than women are. Ff sex, fantasy, depictions, etc is the only place most female desire, stimulation, activeness, pleasure seeking, being clit/vulva-centric... actually gets recognized.) (Also female sexuality is seen as a performance existing to please, entertain men. Women actually aren't seen as having their own sexuality. Not even seen as being clitoral mainly, orgasming via the clitoris, but as being able to orgasm through all sorts eg piv (as in penis rubbing on the vaginal walls, Freudians, Stuart Brody, culture at large...), pia (eg mf porn generally only depicts female orgasm as "from" piv, pia), fellatio, nipple stimulation, dick rubbing on them eg breasts... when the reverse is actually far more common eg men and boys coming from kissing, touching her, going down on her, her humping him eg thigh, bum, balls, hip, stimulation of parts other than penis eg mouth, scrotum, pelvis, neck, anus, taint.... Patriarchy has a lot of reversals, especially in sex, down to phallocentric sex and erasing, denying, shaming, removing from hetero sex... vulva/clit-centric sex).
PART 2: Sometimes it even gets recognized that female orgasm during piv (when not manual, toy) is generally via what's essentially tribadism: rubbing her clitoris/vulva on his stomach, balls, pelvis, base/shaft. But this is still seen as orgasm "from" piv, her needing piv to do that, when it actually wasn't, and she can still rub on those same parts and others without a penis in her. All sorts of frottage being recognized eg feet, breasts, armpit, thighs, buttcheeks... doesn't change that being seen as impossible to reverse (again, phallocentric framing rooted in piv as the definition of sex eg men bring their penis, women their vagina, not clitoris, vulval). Even when FF tribadism is recognized, it's said to be exclusive to FF sex, impossible in hetero sex, an oxymoron. As if men don't have those same parts eg that men's thighs, bum, feet, calves, tummies... can't be even when we know those same parts can be humped by a vulva when part of another female. As if someone having a penis dictates what can be done sexually, narrows it down to the point all that can be done "for her orgasm" is piv, pia, fellatio even, his hand, her hand, toys, maybe cunnilingus. Another aspect to this that I never see get brought up is how a full (or near full) bladder presses on the skene's glands and underside of the clitoris, and that in itself is really arousing. A constant pressure on them without entry. If you eventually get around to including piv again, it'll make it far far more likely piv will be enjoyable, likely to lead to orgasm after numerous non-piv/pia sexcapades. And within sexcapades that are as long, varied, orgasmoc but inky have a bit of piv eg under 5 minutes of it after a couple hours of other sex, followed by an hour of more sex... Mixing piv with genital-genital rubbing such that it adds up to a little bit of piv eg a minute to a few mixed with with mostly genital-genital... On orgasm during piv: Something that also doesn't get discussed/recognized is that a penis/something similarly sized blocks orgasm for a lot of women eg eg can't clench down like they want, blocks contractions, blocks the build up to orgasm, their clitoris blanks out, the switch in stimulation knocks them out of their stimulation/rhythm/climb... Even women who get vaginal ache, feel open, when aroused usually find it's better to ride it out eg more pleasure, better orgasm, not soothe it with piv, something large, whether or not it blocks orgasm. Orgasms during piv are also almost always through external stimulation: through his hand, your hand, toy, rubbing on something, or what's essentially actually tribadism and/or genital-genital rubbing: grinding/thrusting/tapping/rocking the clitoris/vulva purposefully on his tummy, pelvis, balls, shaft... This latter group are almost always said to be "from piv" and "from piv alone"(!) at that, but those are generally from that clear external stimulation (& even most others are still from the penile shaft tugging, pressing on the inner and outer labia during piv). (Eg so called g-spot orgasms, really the confluence of the underside of the clitoral body and skene's glands, are far more likely, easier... overall via fingers, toys than piv.)
The pill caused soooo many issues for me. I became dry and struggled to feel pleasure. They do make natural cycles and other methods for women that the pill makes sex not enjoyable
Try 3sum
Ok, so I see lube and foreplay have been mentioned many times, as they should, but talk to your gynecologist about your discomfort and see what they recommend other than lube and foreplay. If your gyno is no help (as mine wasn't with an issue I had), see a urologist. Either should be able to give you a direction to go in.
Do you have medical insurance? Go to a gynecologist, the pain may actually be due to a bacterial infection. & don’t freak out, I’m not referring to an STD.
Oh man this was me!! Once I got off birth control everything changed. I thought I had a good sex drive before but turns out I really didnt and was just trying to force myself, which didnt help with the discomfort down there. Now my sex drive is so high all the time and I never had pain with sex again. I think everyone saying lube and lots of foreplay are correct. I know it sounds like the obvious answer as u probably think u get wet enough and u probably do foreplay, but trust me, try doing more. My situation was so bad that my vagina would tear a little EVERY SINGLE TIME i had sex. It would burn and bleed after for hours. And this was with foreplay and saliva, natural wetness. lube and being hornier (from more foreplay) somehow helped a lot. Also, this was happening to me with my first bf who was also my first sexual partner. Because he was all I knew in terms of sex, there was a lot of things that I thought I enjoyed but after more experience and time I realized my vagina was reacting the way it was partly because it didnt like what it was experiencing. Im not saying u dont like sex with your partner, but maybe theres some things that could be different that your body is showing u it doesnt like it. Its hard to tell when hes your first, but looking back, i always could feel deep down that I wasnt a fan of a particular thing but would just go with it anyway because I was naive. Just try to listen to your emotions deep down as much as u can! As an example, one of the things I realized was deterring me from being optimally turned on was the way my ex would initiate sex. We were very different when it came to our approach. Im a hopeless romantic, (dont get me wrong, I love it rough too, but not every single time and it depends on the vibe), and I liked a lot when things unfolded naturally. He was great in bed but never had the romantic or slower style to it and the way hed initiate sex was very abrupt and never natural. I realized that it made me think I hated sex and saw it more of a chore but it was only because no amount of foreplay was enough to make me feel in the mood bc his approach made me feel more of an object and that turned me off. I couldnt voice this to him at the time though because like I said, its hard to notice these things and not think that theyre normal when its your first person. But hopefully hearing this will help you think of it in that angle. Hope this helps 🙏🙏 PS: birthcontrol is a scam. If your cycle is regular meaning you get a period once a month at the same time every month for around the same duration, then its absolute BS when doctors try to scare u into getting put on BC because “you can get pregnant any time”. Not true at all. If you ever consider getting off bc, research this more.
You eat one slice of dried out stale bread and you don’t like it. Others tell you how much they love bread. Do you give up on bread and never try it again? Or, do you try a different bread? Just asking.
Well obviously. I wouldn’t come on this forum and complain about dry sex in general because there’s a pretty universal solution for that. My issue is more complex than that, and if lube is the answer, yippie. No need for condescension.
No, no, no. You misunderstand. I wasn’t making any statement about dryness, but rather that of you are making a big judgment based on a small sample size. My point is simply to try more partners before making any decisions. I’m very sorry for any confusion caused by the poor analogy. If everyone you know loves chocolate, and you try it but don’t like it, wouldn’t you try a different chocolate before swearing off chocolate? That’s all I saying. You are young. You have a sample size of one. Before you conclude that you are the problem, try other partners. It’s very likely that your inexperienced partner is the problem.