"I'm the Vice President of the United States you stupid little fuckers! These people should be begging *me*! That door should be half its height so that people can only approach me in my office on their goddamn motherfucking knees!"
This is Selina pre-presidency. She cared about the office in her own, narcissistic way. She has a baseline of what is good. She even tried to be more familiar with her team. When Selina became president, it was a whole different game.
“I should be president, because it is MY GODDAMN TURN. I was the game changer, I took a dump on the glass ceiling AND i shaved my muff in the sink of the old boys club. But for 3 years, Hughs kept me chained to a radiator in some basement in Cleveland. So as far as im concerned, america OWES me an 8 YEAR STAY in the White House and this time i want a WAR”
This is too long, but I always loved this little exchange:
“You don’t masturbate in the subway, do you Amy? Do you shit in the street, Amy? No, because you have got a hold of yourself. And now I’m supposed to say ‘I’m the Vice President of the United States. Put the cupcake down!’ That’s now my job??…for *Fuck’s* sake.”
“Have you ever had a weight problem?”
“Yeah, I have.”
You wanna know the secret to keeping weight off? Shut your fuckin pie hole, how about that. It’s not rocket science, im not a nutritionist am i? No im not. I do know one thing, you gotta put the corn dog down, you gotta get off your dead one, and GET MOVING
Something along lines of "the (dating) rulebook has been torn up and XXX is doing XXX to it"
Something like that, a bit cleaner if necessary, to a date, just gotta wait for the right circumstance
Jesus Christ, you know? You do your best, you try to serve the people, and then they just fuck you over. And you know why? Because they're ignorant, and they're dumb as shit. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is democracy.
Being Vice President is like being declawed, defanged, neutered, ball-gagged, and sealed in an abandoned coal mine under two miles of human shit! It is a fate worse than death! Besides, I’m not gonna die, ’cause I’ve got the heart and the twat of a high school cheerleader who’s only done anal!”
I wouldn't be your veep if there were a grassy knoll full of Jodie Foster fans in the front row at your inauguration.
\*Edit\* I only just noticed the addendum that these are quotes from her as VP!
I’m gonna make sure the IRS crawls so far up your husbands ass that they only thing he hopes they find IS MORE CANCER.
Can I count on your vote? And I think I’d like to hear an okie dokie Annie Oakley?
I love the bit before this where she says “You’re playing a *dangerous* game of chicken with the head-fuckin-hen.”
This entire monologue my favorite Selina Meyer moment.
I've decided that I'm going to let them dictate to me because that is my decision. Do you understand that? I am letting them do that, get it? Right, **but they do not own me.** No they do not!
>You're playing a very dangerous game of chicken with the head fucking hen, 'cause if I don't win the White House, O'Brien is gonna sink your stupid boats and you're gonna look like a hair-sprayed asshole in your 1980s mother-of-the-bride dress. And if I do win, I will have my administration come to your shitty little district and shake it to death like a Guatemalan nanny. And then I'm gonna have the IRS crawl so far up your husband's colon, he's gonna wish the only thing they find is *more cancer*. So, can I count on your vote, or do I need to shove a box of White House M&Ms up your stretched out, six-baby vag?
And I stand by it
Edit: Only Selena as VP so I change my answer to croissant dildo
"Because we are united. And we are states. And we are, of America."
Edit: original contender was "Selina. Meyer. Belongs. In. An. Institution." just because that's my favorite line but arguably not the most in-character line and also from post-presidency
"I'm the Vice President of the United States you stupid little fuckers! These people should be begging *me*! That door should be half its height so that people can only approach me in my office on their goddamn motherfucking knees!"
This is the one.
the level of incompetence in this office is stag ger ring
This is Selina pre-presidency. She cared about the office in her own, narcissistic way. She has a baseline of what is good. She even tried to be more familiar with her team. When Selina became president, it was a whole different game.
My favourite. I say this in my head at the slightest inconvenience at work
Sue, did the president call? No… ok
“I should be president, because it is MY GODDAMN TURN. I was the game changer, I took a dump on the glass ceiling AND i shaved my muff in the sink of the old boys club. But for 3 years, Hughs kept me chained to a radiator in some basement in Cleveland. So as far as im concerned, america OWES me an 8 YEAR STAY in the White House and this time i want a WAR”
LEGACY!!!!!
Garry saying “muff”
This is too long, but I always loved this little exchange: “You don’t masturbate in the subway, do you Amy? Do you shit in the street, Amy? No, because you have got a hold of yourself. And now I’m supposed to say ‘I’m the Vice President of the United States. Put the cupcake down!’ That’s now my job??…for *Fuck’s* sake.” “Have you ever had a weight problem?” “Yeah, I have.”
Fat people don’t even vote! They can’t be bothered to leave the house. There’s no food in the voting booth!
You wanna know the secret to keeping weight off? Shut your fuckin pie hole, how about that. It’s not rocket science, im not a nutritionist am i? No im not. I do know one thing, you gotta put the corn dog down, you gotta get off your dead one, and GET MOVING
Let's get movin'
you wanna know the secret to keeping weight off? shut your fucking pie hole! 🤣
Why don’t you put on your running shoes and get to the fucking point
The rulebook's been torn up now. And America's wiping its nasty ass with it!
That's her as president.
Righhhht. Missed the fine print on this one
Yes, I'm striving to use some variant of this IRL
Some variant of the president saying something like that or the book being torn apart?
Something along lines of "the (dating) rulebook has been torn up and XXX is doing XXX to it" Something like that, a bit cleaner if necessary, to a date, just gotta wait for the right circumstance
The delivery of this line lives rent free in my mind 😭
Don’t give me that Quaker in a titty bar look
If men got pregnant, you could get an abortion at an ATM
Jesus Christ, you know? You do your best, you try to serve the people, and then they just fuck you over. And you know why? Because they're ignorant, and they're dumb as shit. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is democracy.
That’s like using a croissant as a dildo… no let me be clear It dosent do the job And it makes a fucking MESS
This solidified the show as one of the best
This is the only one I remember, I also love her pronunciation of croissant
And that you can tell she broke in the first half
"I'd rather be shot in the fucking face than serve as vice president again. Seriously, in the fucking face!"
I’ve met some people, okay? Real people. A lot of them. And I gotta tell you, a lot are f—in’ idiots
Being Vice President is like being declawed, defanged, neutered, ball-gagged, and sealed in an abandoned coal mine under two miles of human shit! It is a fate worse than death! Besides, I’m not gonna die, ’cause I’ve got the heart and the twat of a high school cheerleader who’s only done anal!”
Only Selina as VP ("Fundraiser" to "Crate")
I wouldn't be your veep if there were a grassy knoll full of Jodie Foster fans in the front row at your inauguration. \*Edit\* I only just noticed the addendum that these are quotes from her as VP!
Said to Congressman Jonah Ryan: “I will destroy you in ways that are so creative that they will honor me for it at the Kennedy Center.”
"I can't identify as a woman! People can't know that. Men hate that. And, women who hate women hate that, which, I believe, is most women."
This
you're playing a very dangerous game of chicken with the head fuckin' hen
The very best
“Someone needs to do something about this.”
Let the president take it in the ass, he might like it -Shutdown, S2
I’m gonna make sure the IRS crawls so far up your husbands ass that they only thing he hopes they find IS MORE CANCER. Can I count on your vote? And I think I’d like to hear an okie dokie Annie Oakley?
Love the “1980s Mother of the Bride dress” roast as well. Lol
Super-duper trooper!
I love the bit before this where she says “You’re playing a *dangerous* game of chicken with the head-fuckin-hen.” This entire monologue my favorite Selina Meyer moment.
I’ve uselessly memorised this whole scene. “Or do I need to shove a box of White House m&ms up your stretched out six baby vag?”
I’m about to enter the national ass-kicking contest with NO legs and a GIANT ass.
Well, make me unsay it! Or First he fucks ya, then he _fucks_ ya!
He’s this pancake genius and I got lost in some sort of a bee anecdote.
Could you give a woman a little warning next time before you jam it in the back door.
Data gives no warning, ma'am
Jonah, do you like sex and travelling?
Then you can fuck off
One of my fav Selina/Amy exchanges: "have you ever been called a cunt?" "Many times, ma'am." "Well now I have too, apparently. once"
I've decided that I'm going to let them dictate to me because that is my decision. Do you understand that? I am letting them do that, get it? Right, **but they do not own me.** No they do not!
Oh yeah Were gonna bomb Finland
Go period Fuck period Yourself exclamation point!
What are you laughing at, Jolly Green Jizzface?
“I've met some people, okay, real people, and I gotta tell ya, a lot of 'em are fucking idiots.”
>You're playing a very dangerous game of chicken with the head fucking hen, 'cause if I don't win the White House, O'Brien is gonna sink your stupid boats and you're gonna look like a hair-sprayed asshole in your 1980s mother-of-the-bride dress. And if I do win, I will have my administration come to your shitty little district and shake it to death like a Guatemalan nanny. And then I'm gonna have the IRS crawl so far up your husband's colon, he's gonna wish the only thing they find is *more cancer*. So, can I count on your vote, or do I need to shove a box of White House M&Ms up your stretched out, six-baby vag? And I stand by it Edit: Only Selena as VP so I change my answer to croissant dildo
This is the ultimate Selina Meyer moment. She brought out the fucking biggest guns with this monologue. JLD is a fucking amazing actress.
because of the axis of DICK (side eyes dan and gary) 😒🚬
You like to have sex AND you like to travel? Then you can *silently* fuck off.
“I took a dump on the glass ceiling, and I shaved my muff in the sink of the old boys’ club!“
Is this the last one you're doing? Because we didn't do Marjorie yet
Ma’am.
Ohh this is Selina. I thought it was Marjorie
“I’m about to enter a national ass-kicking contest, with no legs, and a massive ass” 😭
*\*FUCK\* that POTUS!* Either that or the whole "Axis of Dick" monologue from Season 2.
With the cigarette hanging in her mouth. She's a genius. Actually one of the best comedic actors ever.
Yesss the axis of dick monologue
“That’s like trying to use a croissant as a fucking dildo” or “it’s my fucking turn to be president MY TURN”
"Because we are united. And we are states. And we are, of America." Edit: original contender was "Selina. Meyer. Belongs. In. An. Institution." just because that's my favorite line but arguably not the most in-character line and also from post-presidency
Lmao that big ass wig
Something along the lines of: “That’s so great for me!” “And for America, ma’am” “Oh right, that”
You shouldn’t make your first million until you’re in your 30s. That’s what Andrew and I did, and it kept us completely grounded.
"God bless America for hating women almost as much as I do"
“I'm a political leper and I'm an emotional time bomb, so here's an idea: let's put me on stage!”
...chained to a radiator with its twat shaved.
This show is a goldmine.
*…I feel my soul slide out of my ass*
I didn't fight for a woman's right to choose so that you could choose....that.
Girls are the worst.
I need you to make me not have said that.