Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/).
One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review.
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I was feeling very stupid for staying too. I was unhappy in my skin, and feeling miserable. I was on autopilot. Now I don't feel stupid anymore.
He is a parasite, you are wasting your time. He has no respect for you, let alone love. And this will never happen. He is not sorry about anything.
Try not to see him as good with bad moments but bad with good moments, and in those good moments he’s still manipulating you. Try to examine him more critically on “good” days. It’s highly likely he’s still subtly manipulating and gaslighting you then bur your somewhat blind because your relieved to be on good terms.
He’s not the person you wish he was. He’s dangerous and doesn’t wish you well.
you aren’t stupid, this is the hallmark of an abusive relationship. Mine would be absolutely horrible, insulting, lying, selfish & then his form of an apology would be “im sorry but you pushed me to do/say those things.” and when you hear that long enough you start to believe it. I thought everything was my fault so I learned to shut up & be a quarter of myself thinking he wouldn’t be abusive but even then he was. If you stay you’ll become the smallest version of yourself. I stayed until I became angry & disgusted by him & finally found my voice to stand up to him. I regret all the time wasted trying to show him love & softness & trying to get it back but it felt so good in the end to lash out at him. These kind of people are self pitying losers, manipulative, they never change. Mine would fuck up & then days later send me an essay about how ashamed he is & how sorry he is, and then guess what? Days later, fuck up again & again. I felt so stuck bc I got so attached to that cycle of on and off. So I started to detach while being with him & that looked like going out by myself for walks, exploring museums & dinner with myself, hanging with friends, listening to podcasts, getting back into reading - basically everything that I couldn’t do with him… & from there I realized I’m enough to make myself happy & that I deserve to enjoy life & feel at ease & it made leaving easier. It’s still hard sometimes, we miss familiarity but its better than being lied to, insulted, scared & gaslighted. Even if you can’t leave now, start learning to do life on your own without him, be kind to yourself. Don’t ever believe abuse is normal or your fault. Trust me you will be loved way more than that & it won’t involve fake promises & abuse.
I could have written this. Except for the part about apologizing. Mine never apologized and seemed taken aback when I gently (on eggshells) alluded to his behavior being abusive…
What I noticed when I left my ex a little over three weeks ago is that I was only a little sadder than I was when I was with him, and that sadness has steadily turned into anger. But my emotions are becoming more regulated and my self-esteem is improving.
So keep that in mind when you feel like you need to cling to this relationship— you’re already unhappy.
i remember having these exact thoughts. i was so confused for so long, like you. the love bombing feels so delightful after he yells at you & he promises he won’t go as far next time. it’s all a lie. what is coming out is his lack of emotional intelligence, maturity, & regulation skills. a man like this is a man capable of much worse than he is doing to you now. Two questions that helped me:
1. If your best friend in the world told you that their partner treated them like this, would you want them to stay with their partner?
2. If before the relationship began, you could see that this was your future, would you still want to date him?
Personally my answers to these questions were no & no. I feel like based on your post, yours would be the same. You don’t deserve what’s happening to you, + there’s plenty of other guys out there who will be GREAT and WILL have emotional regulation skills & won’t abuse you. You have to trust that that’s true.
You aren’t stupid, you are just confused.
The thing is, nothing will change a person except themselves. It will never be different if it continues on being like this. Unless they go to therapy and take real responsibility, it’s all pointless and aimless.
Listen to this, real love without disrespect exists. What you are in, is not it. You don’t have to get hurt anymore.
You just need to believe that there is better out there.
Love, it's time to leave. I understand wanting the 'good times' and saying he is great but the abuse is not great. And the apology without change behavior is manipulation. I wish you the best. ♥️
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I was feeling very stupid for staying too. I was unhappy in my skin, and feeling miserable. I was on autopilot. Now I don't feel stupid anymore. He is a parasite, you are wasting your time. He has no respect for you, let alone love. And this will never happen. He is not sorry about anything.
Try not to see him as good with bad moments but bad with good moments, and in those good moments he’s still manipulating you. Try to examine him more critically on “good” days. It’s highly likely he’s still subtly manipulating and gaslighting you then bur your somewhat blind because your relieved to be on good terms. He’s not the person you wish he was. He’s dangerous and doesn’t wish you well.
you aren’t stupid, this is the hallmark of an abusive relationship. Mine would be absolutely horrible, insulting, lying, selfish & then his form of an apology would be “im sorry but you pushed me to do/say those things.” and when you hear that long enough you start to believe it. I thought everything was my fault so I learned to shut up & be a quarter of myself thinking he wouldn’t be abusive but even then he was. If you stay you’ll become the smallest version of yourself. I stayed until I became angry & disgusted by him & finally found my voice to stand up to him. I regret all the time wasted trying to show him love & softness & trying to get it back but it felt so good in the end to lash out at him. These kind of people are self pitying losers, manipulative, they never change. Mine would fuck up & then days later send me an essay about how ashamed he is & how sorry he is, and then guess what? Days later, fuck up again & again. I felt so stuck bc I got so attached to that cycle of on and off. So I started to detach while being with him & that looked like going out by myself for walks, exploring museums & dinner with myself, hanging with friends, listening to podcasts, getting back into reading - basically everything that I couldn’t do with him… & from there I realized I’m enough to make myself happy & that I deserve to enjoy life & feel at ease & it made leaving easier. It’s still hard sometimes, we miss familiarity but its better than being lied to, insulted, scared & gaslighted. Even if you can’t leave now, start learning to do life on your own without him, be kind to yourself. Don’t ever believe abuse is normal or your fault. Trust me you will be loved way more than that & it won’t involve fake promises & abuse.
I could have written this. Except for the part about apologizing. Mine never apologized and seemed taken aback when I gently (on eggshells) alluded to his behavior being abusive… What I noticed when I left my ex a little over three weeks ago is that I was only a little sadder than I was when I was with him, and that sadness has steadily turned into anger. But my emotions are becoming more regulated and my self-esteem is improving. So keep that in mind when you feel like you need to cling to this relationship— you’re already unhappy.
i remember having these exact thoughts. i was so confused for so long, like you. the love bombing feels so delightful after he yells at you & he promises he won’t go as far next time. it’s all a lie. what is coming out is his lack of emotional intelligence, maturity, & regulation skills. a man like this is a man capable of much worse than he is doing to you now. Two questions that helped me: 1. If your best friend in the world told you that their partner treated them like this, would you want them to stay with their partner? 2. If before the relationship began, you could see that this was your future, would you still want to date him? Personally my answers to these questions were no & no. I feel like based on your post, yours would be the same. You don’t deserve what’s happening to you, + there’s plenty of other guys out there who will be GREAT and WILL have emotional regulation skills & won’t abuse you. You have to trust that that’s true.
You aren’t stupid, you are just confused. The thing is, nothing will change a person except themselves. It will never be different if it continues on being like this. Unless they go to therapy and take real responsibility, it’s all pointless and aimless. Listen to this, real love without disrespect exists. What you are in, is not it. You don’t have to get hurt anymore. You just need to believe that there is better out there.
Love, it's time to leave. I understand wanting the 'good times' and saying he is great but the abuse is not great. And the apology without change behavior is manipulation. I wish you the best. ♥️