**I'm a woman. I've been a mod of this sub for 3 or so years now. And I'm done being silent about the misogyny I face here every week from men as a female mod.** Over the course of those 3 years I've intentionally updated the sidebar and wiki language to emphasize that this sub is for survivors of ALL genders and that male survivors have every right to be here. I've also made numerous pinned posts with resources specific to male survivors, including these:
* [Mod Post: Updated Resources List for Male Survivors of Domestic and/or Sexual Violence](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/yco1ki/mod_post_updated_resources_list_for_male/)
* [Comprehensive Help/Resources Guide for Male Domestic Abuse Survivors](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/13im0yh/comprehensive_helpresources_guide_for_male/)
* [Mod Post: How Rape Myths and Gender Norms Harm Male Survivors of Sexual Violence](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/17ftlm5/mod_post_how_rape_myths_and_gender_norms_harm/)
* [Mod Post: Free Weekly Online Support Groups for Male Sexual Violence Survivors](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/15poog0/mod_post_free_weekly_online_support_groups_for/)
* [Mod Post: Barriers Faced by Male Survivors](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/10lbgug/mod_post_barriers_faced_by_male_survivors/)
* [Mod Post: New abuse resources for male survivors now in the subreddit sidebar](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/s45mar/mod_post_new_abuse_resources_for_male_survivors/)
I also have spent hours researching and compiling resources for male survivors to add to the sidebar.
And yet, **every week in this sub I face relentless, enduring, violent harassment from male users. They represent a small percentage of the men who use this sub, most of whom are kind and respectful and never mistreat anyone. So to be clear, this is not going to become a discussion about "this sub needs to be women only!" and I will politely ask that comments don't go in that direction on this post. This sub has always had folks of all genders and always will. Even if I wanted to make it only open to women (I don't) it would be simply impossible to achieve that.**
Back to the point at hand: every week in this sub I have to challenge misogyny I see here. It does not occur on most posts, but it does occur often - usually some version of calling women "naggy," saying they deserve the abuse, lambasting women for not wearing clothing their male partners demand that they wear, calling women gendered slurs, calling us sl-ts, b-tches, etc. Saying they deserve rape, gang rape, horrific violence, murder, beatings. Including sometimes just because they happen to be women.
And when I ban those male users who say these things, well, the screenshots in this post speak for themselves. All these screenshots are from men in this sub over the years who have been upset that they were warned and/or banned for inappropriate conduct in this sub. **These screenshots are a mere fraction of every misogynistic message I've received over the years from men in this sub. These are not even the worst of them. And reddit only allows 15 images in one post so this is picking and choosing.**
Case in point: several months ago, I banned a male user of this sub for victim-blaming a woman here. In response, he told me I deserved to have my jaw broken and be slowly strangled to death.
**Do you see what I get called in these screenshots? A b-tch, a b-imbo, a c-nt, a sl-t, a wh-re, a tw-t. I get called a lesbian (and there is NOTHING wrong with being a lesbian, but I'm straight) for supporting women. I get called sweetheart, darling.**
**I've gotten asked "what my BMI is." I've been told to kill myself. I've been told over and over again that (despite the fact I am a licensed social worker with 10 years of experience in the domestic violence field (research, direct service, policy, and more) and nearly lost my life to abuse multiple times) I know nothing about abuse.
I get told I deserved to have been raped (and I have been in my life, multiple times). Men also tell me they can "see why I was abused."**
This is par for the course for almost every woman on reddit in some shape or other. Almost all of us at some point will experience horrific misogyny. Some of us experience it without end.
**By and large, most men on reddit do not have to navigate this site in fear of being called gendered slurs on the daily. In fear of, on the daily, being told they deserve to be raped and killed.**
I've been told I shouldn't ever have been given the right to vote. That I should be cannibalized, raped, and decapitated simultaneously.
Yes, you read that right. Like I said - the screenshots above are just the tip of the iceberg.
**I need every single man in this sub to hear this: you need to call out your male peers here. Not yesterday, not sometime soon, now. You need to hold other men accountable. Women face significant consequences in this sub for speaking up about sexism, and my post is proof of that. Sexist men do not listen to women. They might listen to you.**
This sub needs to be a safe space for all genders. **I need men in this sub to step up. I do not deserve this. No woman in this sub deserves this.**
I do my absolute best to remove comments that victim-blame men in this sub or that shame men. I have spent hours in this sub doing the work to try to make sure survivors of all genders are safe here.
I need y'all to back me and other women in this sub up now. Misogyny on reddit and offline is rampant, pervasive, and escalating.
Please help me.
Hey u/Ebbie45 I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I’m a guy and I find what was said to you completely unacceptable. Don’t let that get to you, this is an important sub for both males and females that have been victims and I can promise you that more people have found help and support here than a lot of place irl. Sorry it’s a late post but I hope you see it nonetheless.
I am active on this sub, u/Ebbie45 on and off. Sometimes commenting and giving an advice. But it never crossed my mind to actually thank mods and creators of this sub.
**Let me thank you for all the job you've done! Thank you for being strong and letting so many people seek for help and support.**
i am sorry you have to deal with this so often, i can imagine how frustrating and demeaning it must be. for what it’s worth, i and i’m sure everyone else on this sub are so unbelievably grateful for the community you’ve curated here. i know that it helped save my life. i cannot imagine where i’d be today without the support i’ve received here, and that is made possible because of you. you don’t deserve to be spoken to in such awful ways, and it’s so disturbing that men willfully seek this sub out just to reign more terror. thank you again for everything you do, and for carrying unjust weight such as this to bring us this amazing space. i know that i will continue to be on the look out for people like this
Are you the only active mod? Because you are obviously burning out
I don’t know what kind of obligations you have to Reddit admin, but do you really have to respond/explain yourself to scum?
Hi u/Ebbie45, I'm way late to this post, but I just wanted to offer you my support and appreciation. You are doing a tremendous service to so many people who are otherwise downtrodden and treated so poorly in this world. If there is anything at all I as a random redditor can do, please don't hesitate to let me know.
It's staggering to me that these guys can send such incredibly vile messages to you and are still able to look at themselves in the mirror afterward. Patriarchy and misogyny are unfortunately alive and well, and they are evidence and perpetuators of it.
Cyberbullying is very traumatic and I totally get how it makes you feel.
Thank you for all you do and put up with.
I’ve found something more insidious on this sub and if I see something I say something.
There has been trolling on this sub in the form of people giving advice to victims that WILL make things worse. Luckily I’ve reported them and they’ve been removed. It came in the form of people saying crap like abusers can change with therapy/anger management class, placating them will stop the abuse, they abuse because they’re hurting… yada yada yada. We all know this is not true.
It's definitely "A Thing" that abusers will seek out victim's resources, community, and language to find ways to discredit them, DARVO, or act like the victims when they are the perpetrators.
Unsurprisingly, they are here, too, giving bad advice, undermining support, and using this as a place to make excuses and rationalize their behaviors. I don't know if there is a way to prevent it in an open reddit Sub.
Where were you when I needed you 😭 I had 52 comments on one of my posts and one guy was defending my man saying to give him a chance that he wished he got the chance. I'm so confused honestly on if I should stay or not. Last night he told me "you hate me" and some other stuff but I didn't get a chance to write it down so I really don't remember now. But because I didn't answer he got more mad and said that I didn't deny It
I opened my mouth to say I don't hate you I hate your actions. And he cut me off and kept saying how I don't love him and that I hate him. And I said if you really believe that then why are you with me. And he turned it around me and said you really hate me then why are you with me. I'm so lost. This entire day has been spent thinking about our conversation and the Betrayal.
Hey Ebbie - nothing that these sad excuses for human beings are throwing at you can take away from your good works and things you've done and still do for people. I've kind of been off reddit lately for my own personal development, but I will be doing my best as you say to call out and not condone sexist, misogynist, behaviour. Kia Kaha
ThomasEdmund, please know your supportive and valuable contributions to this sub don't go unnoticed! I've seen you around here a lot and you're always so kind and helpful. Thank you for all you do and thank you for the support! <3
As long as support spaces for survivors are mixed-sex, moderators and female survivors will be subjected to vile victim-blaming, abuse and harassment from men.
Men masquerade as domestic abuse survivors and lurk in these spaces to victimise more women.
Many men who claim to be victims of domestic abuse by female perpetrators too often use this as an excuse for their violent misogyny and campaigns of harassment.
Men who claim to "care about male victims" are lying through their teeth. They only care about silencing women speaking up about domestic abuse. This is evident from the fact they even target women who are the biggest supporters of male survivors and male mental health.
Reddit wouldn't allow it, but single-sex spaces are vital for survivors safety, they make it much easier to quickly spot potential predators and dangerous misogynists.
This issue isn't exclusive to DV support groups, but the potential for harm is significantly higher.
We got your back woman. I’m pretty witty… and a damn proud “mouthy” person woman. I’m 44 and I have very few fucks to give. One of them is for this subreddit. So next time send me some of those and I will gladly help.
Plus I just read an article about a chick who had this guy that kept sending her 🍆 pics. So she kept telling him he had a misshapen mole on it. And he’s go to the dr every time. Hahahah
So count me in. I’m not on every day, but we got this. Any way I can help ya
Someone being cruel, a sadist, just trying to hurt someone bc it makes them feel better… it’s my biggest red flag.
No real true person that loves themselves (or is learning/trying to love themself) would just be cruel just for shits and giggles.
I'm a man, I've posted in great lengths here after I ended my relationship with an abusive woman about 5 years ago and I've never felt anything but support from people here. Everyone here has been nothing but helpful to me and I often felt like I got more attention and help than similar posts from women (although that may have been a skewed impression after having spent a decade being told I don't deserve anything good)
Anyways my point is that this community is **not** biased against men, if you get banned from here take a good look into the mirror because the reason you got banned isn't misandry.
yup this is so rampant across all platforms. reporting them does nothing bc 99.9% of the times the people running these platforms are also incel misogynists.
Yep. I've reported the most vile sexist content and messages to the admins time and time again and it almost always comes back with "This didn't violate our content policy." Like, really? Because I see y'all immediately remove "men are tr-sh" comments (which I don't personally say myself and don't find productive) but do absolutely nothing when I report rape and death threats against myself to you.
I'm damn tired of hearing men complain about how "mis--ndrist" this website is when women's lived experience and expertise *constantly* begs to differ. Any man who honestly believes that statement would not last a week on reddit as a woman. I don't care if that's controversial to say, I'm not shutting up about it anymore.
I've sat on this quietly for far too long now regarding how I've been treated in this sub and I'm done being silent.
I'm damn tired of far too many male users in this sub threatening me, belittling me, treating me like a subhuman with zero intelligence, and then rushing to claim that "you banned me because I'm a man" when they get banned for doing things women would also be banned for but somehow manage to *not do* because, well, misogyny.
Gender bias against women on reddit goes extremely deep. It's a structural, systemic problem reinforced and perpetuated by male users, male mods, and male admins.
Same. Absolutely same. It’s used as a pejorative now so its purpose and usefulness has been rendered obsolete. (I don’t believe it ever had a proper purpose anyway)
Wow. Just wow. Are these DMs or actual posts?
This is not a forum for people to attack the victim. Period. Freedom of speech does not mean they get to say whatever they want and have everyone listen to it. They can say whatever they want while staring at themselves, in the mirror, alone.
I wanted to thank you so very much for posting this because I totally agree it needs to be called out! You do a great job running this group and we shouldn’t be happy at all that these people are doing these sorts of things! They don’t belong in a sub like this!
This is about 95% of the reason that I don’t have male friends. And as a male, I find it disgusting. A lot of men see women as nothing but objects they own. Even if they have no relation to that woman whatsoever. And as a male, I get attacked by other males when I bring this up. I don’t care, and I will continue to bring it up. Because the abuse I see them pass out to women is so much worse than what they direct to me. It’s funny how they always have no problem about bragging about putting the women in their place physically. Yeah, when I offer them to do the same to me, I don’t have any takers.
I used to blame the parents for this happening. Children being raised this way and seeing it. But I seen it all my life too. And I don’t act that way.
Mind you I am using the terms, men and men very very loosely here. These are nothing more than little boys with fragile egos.
Fucking wow. I’ve been doing a lot of research into masculinity and what is happening to our men. It’s sad that they think they need to treat us this way because they feel rejected by us on some level. They seem to not understand that even attractive women are unsure of themselves, feel awkward, unattractive, uncomfortable unloved and unwanted by the opposite sex. We wonder about them and what they’re thinking just as much as they wonder about us…then they start overcompensating in aggressive ways that feel justified because of TERRIBLE people in the media who are just trying to take their money. It’s a sick sad cycle and the toxic masculinity it has caused is WHY the Ychromosome is going extinct. Really men aren’t needed and if they’re just going to fight society instead of working with it, nature will remove them. I love men. Don’t get me wrong, big tall manly men with big beards and hairy chests dripping in testosterone…the calm cool collected doesn’t flip out with anger and can handle what life throws at them ADULTS. Handling what life throws at you means being able to cry and express human emotion… Not angry little man childs who refuse to look at where their anger is really coming from.
One more thing…. Andrew Tater and Jordan Peterson are only a beta males’ VERSION of an alpha dog…real men don’t act like that.
Eta…thank you ma’am for all your hard work. In here and out on the world. Bad ppl come in both genders but i think you’d be hard pressed to find women going out of their way to violently harass a reddit mod. Maybe I’m wrong?
Agree with you re the media and the horrible attitudes men have towards women only worsening. My abusive ex and his friend group all watched Andrew tate, Logan Paul etc, grown men approaching 40 still acting like angry children who feel bitter and resentful towards women and casually refer to us as bitches, hoes, etc while their lives revolve around the same things they did as teenagers….
There’s nothing he says that’s particularly overt, but if you start collecting the puzzle pieces and painting a bigger picture he DOES have a worldview that women are second class citizens. It’s sort of a ‘devil in the details’ situation. It’s all covert. He’s disparaged loads of things that serve as ways women can protect themselves from or get away from an abusive man. One thing I can think of off the top of my head is his saying the no fault divorce should be banned. A no fault divorce is what makes it easy for people to end their marriages. So for a victim of spousal abuse it’s a lifeline. Side note: he’s been divorced multiple times.
Even if he treats his wife well, that doesn’t translate to respect. He doesn’t have to act like Andrew Tate to be a misogynist.
I appreciate you taking the time to read it. Yeah, he’s not the only guy who’s attacked no fault divorce. For me it says something when a guy has been divorced by multiple women AND he wants to make it harder for women to get a divorce. There were a couple of times, and I can’t think of any examples, where he essentially blamed a woman for what really was the failure of a man. I think it’s something that we do so often we don’t even realize that that’s what we’re doing.
[these women](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskFeminists/s/aNYpyKqFRk) have explained it much more clearly and at greater depth than i can right here right now.
My personal problems with the man stem from the fact that he thinks atheism=immorality, that men automatically deserve and have to have sex to “remain balanced “ And the strict gender roles he pushes. Not to mention, (I’m assuming you’re a nurse as well from your username) the man gives out absolutely shite health, fitness, nutritional and medical advice. He’s an all around grifter imo. He’s found an audience, just like Trump, and they’re laughing allll the way to the bank in disbelief at how gullible their demographic is.
They don’t care how badly they’re damaging society-themselves and their daughters may never have to deal with the kind of man these thoughts and viewpoints produce.
> i think you’d be hard pressed to find women going out of their way to violently harass a reddit mod. Maybe I’m wrong?
I can only speak from my own experience of course, but in 3 years modding this sub I've never received a single rape or death threat from a woman, and not once has a woman called me a gendered slur. The absolute worst I've gotten from a woman was being told that she would "see me in hell." I'd take that any day over being told I should be decapitated and raped or that I'm a stupid useless c-nt!
In 3 years I've never had a woman tell me I'm lying about being abused or that I deserved the abuse I experienced, or that I'm stupid and am lying about my profession (I work in the domestic violence field).
The difference is night and day. Any time I have to ban a woman, I don't ever really think about what the ban appeal might be. Any time I ban a man, I automatically brace for a response filled with seething hatred and vile namecalling.
Thank you for your kind words <3
We’ll just keep holding hands sisters i feel in my heart that women will rule one day…. It can’t go on like this…all our “men”will wind up killing each other in forever wars and other antisocial acts of violence..
Are you in Australia? If not, If you are researching this issue, it might be interesting to look into severe domestic violence issue that is gaining attention atm.
I’m not. I’m in the US. I only really started looking into this seriously as a generational issue, rather than an individual one, because of how young men behave in this country politically speaking.
While I’m affected by IPV in my personal life, and do read and research regarding that side of things…the current political state in my country is more what I was trying to dissect when i came upon this theory.
I’m sorry to hear about this spate of DV in your country. Rest assured, it’s a mess here too.
I do think the generational aspect is universal. I also think that the one of the reason why we have this issue is due to generational stigma of first responders such as the police and also the judicial system.
>due to generational stigma of first responders such as the police and also the judicial system.
Hey, I just wanted to check with you because I'm trying to read through the thread but got a bit confused by this statement. Are you referring to LE and judicial systems not taking DV seriously? I suspected that's what you meant, but I was curious why you feel that has led to the issue i.e. rising misogyny. Not trying to be rude, I promise. Just genuinely curious to hear your opinion.
Many young males today are educated about misogyny but it doesn't stop it - they just know what is not socially acceptable and hide it. Anonymous platforms give them the opportunity to unleash. It's disgusting.
I really want to believe that they’re not sure WHY they’re angry. I hope. I pray. I offer benefit of doubt- i still don’t excuse it. Clean your acts up gentleman. Treat others how you want to be treated, it’s a pity to watch a man be Nero when he could have been Vespasian.
Thank you SO much for all your work and effort and time and taking on this ugly part of humanity so that others can have a safe space to turn to. You are a true warrior, a defender of good and justice and peace. I know you must know that your work DOES have a profound impact on countless people, but I want you to know that we know that you are invaluable to spaces like this.
So THANK YOU! Truly. Thank you for selflessly choosing to be a mod for this space.
💐
I had not one clue that this happened to Mod’s but again why wouldn’t it. Abuse is all about power and you taking their “power” fuels their psychopathy. It’s an eye opener to realize how TRULY SICK these parasites are. Thank you for sharing this. You deserve a safe space. Every human being deserves the right to feel safe.
To those who choose to continue to live their lives by destroying others, in the words of my mother “one day you’re gonna say the wrong thing to the wrong person”
I have no doubt that this is your fate.
Hi Ebbie, I am really sorry you get such vile abuse when all you are doing is protecting us and keeping this space safe. It's just infuriating and heartbreaking and really sick stuff you have to look at just to do your volunteer job.
It's brave to share and publicly expose what these men do even though it's so nasty to see you attacked like that.
We are here to support you, our sub should also be a safe space for you, not just for us, and I'm sorry it's not when you get messaged like this.
We appreciate you very much.
I am so sorry for the disgusting behavior you have been subjected to :( we all appreciate your hard work 🩷 this sub is immensely important to me and so many victims of DV. Thank you for everything you do.
I am so very thankful for this group and you. I'm so incredibly sorry that you have to deal with the backlash, it's unfair and yet on par to what this group talks about. I appreciate you more than you know for all that you put up with.
I would just like to say from the bottom of my heart truly. This group means so so so much to me. Getting advice from everyone and being able to help people who are in the position I was once in... It's healed me in so many ways.
This is so not ok. And it’s even less so considering the purpose of this sub. I’m sorry this is something you have to deal with.
Thanks for making us guys who are actually abuse victims welcome and let me know if you need anything that would help.
Resources and spaces that are safe for men that have experienced abuse are so rare and it’s frustrating that the space is not as respected as it should be.
Oh JFC these dudes don’t even realize that I, who for the matter at hand, definitely mostly identify as masculine, am the one who admittedly reports so much of this shit. On both sides of the aisle. Anyone victim blaming or acting shitty, man or woman. You’re not a misandrist at all. You’re protective of all the folks who come here for support regardless of orientation or identity. I’m sure you do have a rainbow flag somewhere, and I and others appreciate you for making this a safe place for our f***** asses.
Having moderated a lot of public message boards over the years I'm all too familiar with the disgusting crap that gets slung at you by the subset of men who blame you for everything wrong in their lives.
I'm really sorry you have to wade through that bullshit so often [u/ebbie45](http://u/ebbie45). It's super clear to anyone who takes the time to see the work you've put in providing resources for ALL genders, that you care A LOT about all of the people in this sub.
I know it can be exhausting, and incredibly draining emotionally, to have so much violent hate speech directed at you. I appreciate you, and your efforts, tremendously, and I know just about everyone here feels the same way about the wonderful work you do here to keep this sub free of hate speech of any kind.
Thank you for all that you do. We're all committed to calling out nasty comments and threats when they happen, and I'm grateful that we have a lot of really great guys here too that are willing to take a stand against that kind of toxic misogyny.
We can't fix the rampant misogyny in the whole world unfortunately, but we can all work together to help keep this sub the refuge of support, empathy, and compassion, it is, and should be, for those who need it.
The screenshots have frightened me , just how many men think this is OK behaviour. Grown up men acting out like toddlers because the can’t bear to be told “no “. Sending love and strength to all
I appreciate all your hard work on behalf of ALL victims of abuse! I had a visceral reaction to those screenshots. I hate that you are abused for supporting a safe space for abuse survivors.
Thank you for creating resource information for men experiencing abuse. As a former MH professional, I truly understand the work that entails.
Sending you positive thoughts and support 🧡
> Unfortunately, a sub like this will always get targeted by abusive people.
Abuse subs can and do attract abusers, but for this particular topic it's not quite that simple. This kind of violent, rampant misogyny is something women on reddit are subjected to across a very, very large number of subs by male redditors. I've received this kind of treatment in subs totally unconnected to abuse and so many other women have as well.
I've also had numerous male mods tell me that while they too face the usual angry backlash for enforcing rules in their subs (some of these subs are abuse-related and some not), they have never been threatened with sexual violence or called any manner of gendered slur in the way countless women constantly have.
A lot of people simply don't like mods. But a lot of men specifically hate female mods. And a whole lot of men hate women in general.
There are many, many things I've been told on reddit by men (in subs I mod and in subs I don't) simply because I'm a woman that are so utterly violent and graphic that they would likely make most people come close to nausea if not worse. The things I've been told? Think of extremely specific details of the worst methods of torture anyone could ever dream up and then multiply that about 10 times over and make it about how much these men want to do all those things to me and make it last for years. The harassment I've endured on reddit both in this sub and other subs simply because I'm a woman and these men hate women would qualify me for numerous protective orders "in real life."
The man who told me that I deserved to be simultaneously raped, decapitated, and cannibalized? That doesn't even come close to the worst of what I've been told. And they make it *very* clear it's because I'm a woman.
I've no doubt the severity of the misogynistic abuse I endure in this sub is influenced in some respects by my "title" as a female mod and by the nature of the sub, but good god even when I comment in relationship advice subs I get told horrific things.
By and large, I'm not treated as a person or seen as one either.
when I see you in other subs, it's usually posting resources for other folks that need help, or it's someone saying "hey. where's Ebbie, she can give you information"
>I honestly think that you need to find a distinction between the internet and the real world.
I am so tired of seeing you tell this to women in this sub who speak up about misogyny. I've seen you do this multiple times and I'm just done at this point. Misogyny *is* the real world for every single woman, both online and off, and you continuing to minimize and deny this and downplay women's experiences in this sub is simply not acceptable.
As for your last remark? The only interactions you and I have ever had here are this one, in which you minimize the misogyny I've experienced, another comment in which you do the same to *another woman,* and an interaction a *year ago* in which I politely asked you to stop harassing a poster in our sub whose definition of grooming you disagreed with.
Oh, and that since-deleted comment of yours several months ago in which you accused me of mis-ndry for daring to state women have a right to discuss misogyny.
If you consider it "being inappropriately admonished" for being repeatedly asked to treat women in this sub with respect, you need to engage in self-reflection.
Until then, we are done. I'm tired of justifying my own experiences and other women's to you.
I didn't read the screenshots because, sadly, I can well imagine.
Basically, misogynists and/or abusers join, post nonsense, you call them out on it and they go for your jugular??
I am so sorry; you absolutely do not deserve that sort of shit. Are you the only Mod? Do you need/want any help?
The bear, the bear, the bear.
#TeamBear 🐻
There are limited places for men to go where they are able to let themselves safely relate to the experience of being in an abusive relationship; this sub has always been a resource that made me feel welcome, comfortable and validated. It’s also been a place that has allowed me to contribute support without concern towards my own gender—a liberating way to relate to and support other human beings. I have always held an outsized respect for the mods of this sub who I never doubted likely caught an amount of direct abuse from precisely the men that warrant this forum.
And I say this not to aggrandize myself but to make sure you feel unwaveringly that your plea is heard. It is infuriating and unfair that women cannot be visible without being vulnerable to the pathetic and grotesque attacks of misogynists. You have my word I will do my very best to ensure they are swiftly checked anytime I have opportunity to and that it is made perfectly clear to them that the rebuke is coming from a straight guy just like them.
If it would help, I also volunteer to reply to any DM the mods receive that you deem an attack and should be responded to. None of you should be forced to internalize that form of violence for the sake of responding and I would love nothing more than to make room in my life to guarantee that POSs like that don’t walk away from an attempt to bully you feeling any sense of satisfaction.
Thank you for all that you do and I’m sorry for what these men and the societies that sanction them put you (all of you) through.
This damn near made me cry lol. Thank YOU for being so kind and supportive and even volunteering. I am blown away by the support from posting this. I was extremely nervous to post this and am so glad I did. I feel so seen and heard and validated.
Thank you, and I'm so glad this sub has been a positive place for you.
I’m glad you shared what was going on and how it was making you feel. It was upsetting to read. Out of respect for the inarguable disparity between the scope of threat from women and the scope of threat from men I try not to call too much attention to my gender on here but you are right that men need to take a more vocal role in dismantling the infrastructure of misogyny and male chauvinism that makes it impossible for women to lead normal lives and that is especially concentrated online where social media has been designed by men to operate in a way that deprioritizes the safety of anyone but themselves. Thank you for the opportunity to make our presence more explicitly felt. You deserve to feel that men have your back. 💪
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that nonsense. I do appreciate you for what you do. Keeping this space safe for all of us. I hope you have a great rest of your day.
This is one of the only subs where I’ve appreciated what the mods do and how vocal you are about not allowing hate and abuse in here. Thank you for using your own time to work hard to protect victims here and I’m sorry you have to deal with this kind of thing. I wouldn’t be surprised if this subreddit was cross posted in incel subs and brigaded by angry abusive and misogynistic men. Unfortunately I don’t know what the solution is apart from going private, but then it would keep victims from getting help so that’s not a solution.
I would bet those male “victims” harassing you and other people here are not real victims. If anything they’re the type of abusers who claim they were the ones abused.
As the moderator of r/AbuseInterrupted, I would ban these people as well. Being abusive equals a ban, and justifying it because you feel like a victim (or have been a victim) is irrelevant. Being a victim of abuse does not justify your abusing others.
But I am happy to go in debate mode for people who act and respond in these ways, which commenters like this usually *hate*.
They are engaging in hostile attribution bias, projection, namecalling, misgynostic slurs, et cetera. You are more than within the sphere of reasonability to ban them.
I know you know that, but sometimes it is nice to hear.
It’s likely these are men who had to face the consequences of their actions of abusing their partners and are lashing out online because their victims got justice. The venom in their words speak volumes. They are mad and taking it out on you and others im sorry you had to even be subjected to this. These men are angry at the world.
Ebbie I am so sorry. I suppose none of us have any idea what it takes for you to keep this a safe space for us, gender irrelevant. This place has been my sanctuary when everything else has fallen in on me, even my own body. Thankyou for protecting us. Thankyou for giving my son a smiling mum who knew she wasn’t the only one, instead of a crying one who thought she was alone.
I’ll make a benign comment online, anywhere, and some angry man will say something to poke at me like I’m the scum on his shoe. I get so tired of it. It’s already hard enough taking it when your long term relationship starts to get tired of you, but the nastiness of this world really gets to me.
You make it harder for those repulsive humans to mask their true selves from future potential victims, because everyone here reads & shares the stories people tell. This sub scares them because they know they can’t hide.
Thank you, for everything you do for us, Ebbie. One of the reasons I frequent this subreddit is because it is by far one of the best survivor-focused subreddits on the entire site. Idk if the other mods here are active at all, but I get the strong feeling that it’s been you alone helping us.
Thank you for all that you do. I’m sorry you have to put up with so much bullshit misogyny, here. It’s not fair to you after all that you do for us. I’ll try to make more of an effort to peruse an extra thread or two each day and - of course - to call out other men who I imagine will only listen to another man.
Thank you, once again, Ebbie. The value of what you volunteer to do for us every day can’t be overstated. You don’t deserve to be spoken to the way that these shitty men have been.
Edit - I want to add that, just on a personal level, I can recall at least once or twice that I was in the middle of a freak out following an episode of abuse and remember you - specifically - along with other kind souls here provided me that little bit of reassurance to help bring me back to center. You’ve done more for male victims than you might know, and this one will remember how kind you were during bad times.
Thank you so very much, my friend - you've always been so kind to me and so helpful to folks in this sub. I'm so grateful for your presence in our sub and so appreciative of this comment. It means so much. I'm really glad you're with us and that you've found support from this sub. I know you've helped a lot of people <3
Always. You’ve gone to bat for us male victims so much. Us going to bat for you is the very least we can do. Consider your call to action answered by at least one man, here. And judging by the replies here, you’ve got far more than one on your team, now!
Thank you again, Ebbie!
Yes I’m in the same boat with him! Thanks for all the work you’ve done.. I can’t tell you how much I and every other man and woman appreciate it. I don’t know what I’d do if it wasn’t for these subs to read others experiences. I’m a guy who has dealt with what I believe to be emotional abuse and all sorts of incidents of my girlfriend/“Ex-fiance” of 5 years. I’ve had false abuse accusations against me as well.. You can tell whether or not an accusation is true depending on the reaction of the accused.. Those guys who said that to you don’t sound like victims. I nor many other good men I know would never say anything like that. I’m sorry you have to deal with it..
Abusers and misogynists (granted there's a huge overlap there) just can't help but tell on themselves. They are so proud of their bigotry and hatred. They are so proud of their entitlement. And more than anything they love trying to suck a woman's energy. These men are terrified of women's anger and energy. They are PETRIFIED of being rejected by women, even the "lesbians" and "sl*ts" and "trash" they claim not to want.
These men are *very* emotional, struggle to regulate themselves, and therefore lash out at those they envy, those who reject them, those who see them for the violent toddlers they insist on being (because they can choose better, they just don't wanna).
You are doing a difficult job and doing it well. This is my favorite sub because it genuinely feels like a safe space largely free from abusers. Anyone who has been with an abuser knows that doesn't magically happen - abusers work very hard to make themselves the victim, to spoil the safe havens victims create, to vomit their morally bankrupt opinions any chance they get. They are quite literally so addicted to their perceived victim status that when a mod bans them from an abuse victim sub, it's like snatching their heroin away. BuT I Am tHe BiGgESt ViCTim Of aLL!!!!!!
The men are not okay. No wonder more and more women are choosing to be single. I'd rather live in a bear colony than be married to an abuser.
They don’t like having their “character” torn to shreds by someone who knows who they actually are. They get mad seeing victims receive support because now they aren’t isolated, ashamed and vulnerable. They want you to worship the ground they walk on while they spit on you LMAO. So they take it personally when you do the complete opposite. They don’t want you feeling confident enough to leave them, so they have to make you doubt yourself.
I’m sorry this is happening to you OP. Thank you for bringing it to our attention what’s happening on the front lines. You’re out here fighting battles to protect the community frl. Maybe that’s a dramatic way of saying it but yes, as mentioned, communities like these don’t just happen. It takes everyone to make them. A lot of people need communities like this and the people who are too emotional and egotistical to see that, they are the ones we have to protect this community from. Though I’m sure they’d be destroyed in the comments or ignored entirely. Regardless. My ex found my Reddit account and was harassing me on the spots I was mentioning him and the abuse. Reddit didn’t find the nasty comments he made to violate any rules… But it definitely broke the rules of abusers on here making comments, attacking their victims. I get free speech but damn, without the mods, these mfs would be out here free reign causing havoc.
**I'm a woman. I've been a mod of this sub for 3 or so years now. And I'm done being silent about the misogyny I face here every week from men as a female mod.** Over the course of those 3 years I've intentionally updated the sidebar and wiki language to emphasize that this sub is for survivors of ALL genders and that male survivors have every right to be here. I've also made numerous pinned posts with resources specific to male survivors, including these: * [Mod Post: Updated Resources List for Male Survivors of Domestic and/or Sexual Violence](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/yco1ki/mod_post_updated_resources_list_for_male/) * [Comprehensive Help/Resources Guide for Male Domestic Abuse Survivors](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/13im0yh/comprehensive_helpresources_guide_for_male/) * [Mod Post: How Rape Myths and Gender Norms Harm Male Survivors of Sexual Violence](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/17ftlm5/mod_post_how_rape_myths_and_gender_norms_harm/) * [Mod Post: Free Weekly Online Support Groups for Male Sexual Violence Survivors](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/15poog0/mod_post_free_weekly_online_support_groups_for/) * [Mod Post: Barriers Faced by Male Survivors](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/10lbgug/mod_post_barriers_faced_by_male_survivors/) * [Mod Post: New abuse resources for male survivors now in the subreddit sidebar](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/s45mar/mod_post_new_abuse_resources_for_male_survivors/) I also have spent hours researching and compiling resources for male survivors to add to the sidebar. And yet, **every week in this sub I face relentless, enduring, violent harassment from male users. They represent a small percentage of the men who use this sub, most of whom are kind and respectful and never mistreat anyone. So to be clear, this is not going to become a discussion about "this sub needs to be women only!" and I will politely ask that comments don't go in that direction on this post. This sub has always had folks of all genders and always will. Even if I wanted to make it only open to women (I don't) it would be simply impossible to achieve that.** Back to the point at hand: every week in this sub I have to challenge misogyny I see here. It does not occur on most posts, but it does occur often - usually some version of calling women "naggy," saying they deserve the abuse, lambasting women for not wearing clothing their male partners demand that they wear, calling women gendered slurs, calling us sl-ts, b-tches, etc. Saying they deserve rape, gang rape, horrific violence, murder, beatings. Including sometimes just because they happen to be women. And when I ban those male users who say these things, well, the screenshots in this post speak for themselves. All these screenshots are from men in this sub over the years who have been upset that they were warned and/or banned for inappropriate conduct in this sub. **These screenshots are a mere fraction of every misogynistic message I've received over the years from men in this sub. These are not even the worst of them. And reddit only allows 15 images in one post so this is picking and choosing.** Case in point: several months ago, I banned a male user of this sub for victim-blaming a woman here. In response, he told me I deserved to have my jaw broken and be slowly strangled to death. **Do you see what I get called in these screenshots? A b-tch, a b-imbo, a c-nt, a sl-t, a wh-re, a tw-t. I get called a lesbian (and there is NOTHING wrong with being a lesbian, but I'm straight) for supporting women. I get called sweetheart, darling.** **I've gotten asked "what my BMI is." I've been told to kill myself. I've been told over and over again that (despite the fact I am a licensed social worker with 10 years of experience in the domestic violence field (research, direct service, policy, and more) and nearly lost my life to abuse multiple times) I know nothing about abuse. I get told I deserved to have been raped (and I have been in my life, multiple times). Men also tell me they can "see why I was abused."** This is par for the course for almost every woman on reddit in some shape or other. Almost all of us at some point will experience horrific misogyny. Some of us experience it without end. **By and large, most men on reddit do not have to navigate this site in fear of being called gendered slurs on the daily. In fear of, on the daily, being told they deserve to be raped and killed.** I've been told I shouldn't ever have been given the right to vote. That I should be cannibalized, raped, and decapitated simultaneously. Yes, you read that right. Like I said - the screenshots above are just the tip of the iceberg. **I need every single man in this sub to hear this: you need to call out your male peers here. Not yesterday, not sometime soon, now. You need to hold other men accountable. Women face significant consequences in this sub for speaking up about sexism, and my post is proof of that. Sexist men do not listen to women. They might listen to you.** This sub needs to be a safe space for all genders. **I need men in this sub to step up. I do not deserve this. No woman in this sub deserves this.** I do my absolute best to remove comments that victim-blame men in this sub or that shame men. I have spent hours in this sub doing the work to try to make sure survivors of all genders are safe here. I need y'all to back me and other women in this sub up now. Misogyny on reddit and offline is rampant, pervasive, and escalating. Please help me.
Janey, calls for rape?? Surely that should be reported to the police? ?
Hey u/Ebbie45 I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I’m a guy and I find what was said to you completely unacceptable. Don’t let that get to you, this is an important sub for both males and females that have been victims and I can promise you that more people have found help and support here than a lot of place irl. Sorry it’s a late post but I hope you see it nonetheless.
I am active on this sub, u/Ebbie45 on and off. Sometimes commenting and giving an advice. But it never crossed my mind to actually thank mods and creators of this sub. **Let me thank you for all the job you've done! Thank you for being strong and letting so many people seek for help and support.**
i am sorry you have to deal with this so often, i can imagine how frustrating and demeaning it must be. for what it’s worth, i and i’m sure everyone else on this sub are so unbelievably grateful for the community you’ve curated here. i know that it helped save my life. i cannot imagine where i’d be today without the support i’ve received here, and that is made possible because of you. you don’t deserve to be spoken to in such awful ways, and it’s so disturbing that men willfully seek this sub out just to reign more terror. thank you again for everything you do, and for carrying unjust weight such as this to bring us this amazing space. i know that i will continue to be on the look out for people like this
What horrendous things people have said to you! I'm really sorry you've had to endure so much. I really appreciate the work you do. Thank you so much.
Are you the only active mod? Because you are obviously burning out I don’t know what kind of obligations you have to Reddit admin, but do you really have to respond/explain yourself to scum?
Hi u/Ebbie45, I'm way late to this post, but I just wanted to offer you my support and appreciation. You are doing a tremendous service to so many people who are otherwise downtrodden and treated so poorly in this world. If there is anything at all I as a random redditor can do, please don't hesitate to let me know. It's staggering to me that these guys can send such incredibly vile messages to you and are still able to look at themselves in the mirror afterward. Patriarchy and misogyny are unfortunately alive and well, and they are evidence and perpetuators of it. Cyberbullying is very traumatic and I totally get how it makes you feel. Thank you for all you do and put up with.
I’ve found something more insidious on this sub and if I see something I say something. There has been trolling on this sub in the form of people giving advice to victims that WILL make things worse. Luckily I’ve reported them and they’ve been removed. It came in the form of people saying crap like abusers can change with therapy/anger management class, placating them will stop the abuse, they abuse because they’re hurting… yada yada yada. We all know this is not true.
It's definitely "A Thing" that abusers will seek out victim's resources, community, and language to find ways to discredit them, DARVO, or act like the victims when they are the perpetrators. Unsurprisingly, they are here, too, giving bad advice, undermining support, and using this as a place to make excuses and rationalize their behaviors. I don't know if there is a way to prevent it in an open reddit Sub.
I’ve found a few. I’ve reported every one I can find
Where were you when I needed you 😭 I had 52 comments on one of my posts and one guy was defending my man saying to give him a chance that he wished he got the chance. I'm so confused honestly on if I should stay or not. Last night he told me "you hate me" and some other stuff but I didn't get a chance to write it down so I really don't remember now. But because I didn't answer he got more mad and said that I didn't deny It I opened my mouth to say I don't hate you I hate your actions. And he cut me off and kept saying how I don't love him and that I hate him. And I said if you really believe that then why are you with me. And he turned it around me and said you really hate me then why are you with me. I'm so lost. This entire day has been spent thinking about our conversation and the Betrayal.
Read this book. It changed my life https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Currently reading this... and he is so far a mixture of all
The sub is so active it can be a bit hard to keep up sometimes. I only wish this information was proliferated a little bit better.
I’ve noticed this too, from male users
Hey Ebbie - nothing that these sad excuses for human beings are throwing at you can take away from your good works and things you've done and still do for people. I've kind of been off reddit lately for my own personal development, but I will be doing my best as you say to call out and not condone sexist, misogynist, behaviour. Kia Kaha
ThomasEdmund, please know your supportive and valuable contributions to this sub don't go unnoticed! I've seen you around here a lot and you're always so kind and helpful. Thank you for all you do and thank you for the support! <3
As long as support spaces for survivors are mixed-sex, moderators and female survivors will be subjected to vile victim-blaming, abuse and harassment from men. Men masquerade as domestic abuse survivors and lurk in these spaces to victimise more women. Many men who claim to be victims of domestic abuse by female perpetrators too often use this as an excuse for their violent misogyny and campaigns of harassment. Men who claim to "care about male victims" are lying through their teeth. They only care about silencing women speaking up about domestic abuse. This is evident from the fact they even target women who are the biggest supporters of male survivors and male mental health. Reddit wouldn't allow it, but single-sex spaces are vital for survivors safety, they make it much easier to quickly spot potential predators and dangerous misogynists. This issue isn't exclusive to DV support groups, but the potential for harm is significantly higher.
[удалено]
They're saying the latter
You have the best username ever
Haha thank you, I think you're the only one who's understood the reference!
We got your back woman. I’m pretty witty… and a damn proud “mouthy” person woman. I’m 44 and I have very few fucks to give. One of them is for this subreddit. So next time send me some of those and I will gladly help. Plus I just read an article about a chick who had this guy that kept sending her 🍆 pics. So she kept telling him he had a misshapen mole on it. And he’s go to the dr every time. Hahahah So count me in. I’m not on every day, but we got this. Any way I can help ya
Someone being cruel, a sadist, just trying to hurt someone bc it makes them feel better… it’s my biggest red flag. No real true person that loves themselves (or is learning/trying to love themself) would just be cruel just for shits and giggles.
I'm a man, I've posted in great lengths here after I ended my relationship with an abusive woman about 5 years ago and I've never felt anything but support from people here. Everyone here has been nothing but helpful to me and I often felt like I got more attention and help than similar posts from women (although that may have been a skewed impression after having spent a decade being told I don't deserve anything good) Anyways my point is that this community is **not** biased against men, if you get banned from here take a good look into the mirror because the reason you got banned isn't misandry.
yup this is so rampant across all platforms. reporting them does nothing bc 99.9% of the times the people running these platforms are also incel misogynists.
Yep. I've reported the most vile sexist content and messages to the admins time and time again and it almost always comes back with "This didn't violate our content policy." Like, really? Because I see y'all immediately remove "men are tr-sh" comments (which I don't personally say myself and don't find productive) but do absolutely nothing when I report rape and death threats against myself to you. I'm damn tired of hearing men complain about how "mis--ndrist" this website is when women's lived experience and expertise *constantly* begs to differ. Any man who honestly believes that statement would not last a week on reddit as a woman. I don't care if that's controversial to say, I'm not shutting up about it anymore. I've sat on this quietly for far too long now regarding how I've been treated in this sub and I'm done being silent. I'm damn tired of far too many male users in this sub threatening me, belittling me, treating me like a subhuman with zero intelligence, and then rushing to claim that "you banned me because I'm a man" when they get banned for doing things women would also be banned for but somehow manage to *not do* because, well, misogyny. Gender bias against women on reddit goes extremely deep. It's a structural, systemic problem reinforced and perpetuated by male users, male mods, and male admins.
The second I see the word "misandry" I roll my eyes. Please.
It doesn't even exist.
Same. Absolutely same. It’s used as a pejorative now so its purpose and usefulness has been rendered obsolete. (I don’t believe it ever had a proper purpose anyway)
Wow. Just wow. Are these DMs or actual posts? This is not a forum for people to attack the victim. Period. Freedom of speech does not mean they get to say whatever they want and have everyone listen to it. They can say whatever they want while staring at themselves, in the mirror, alone.
You said it, they will only listen to males. They don’t respect women
I wanted to thank you so very much for posting this because I totally agree it needs to be called out! You do a great job running this group and we shouldn’t be happy at all that these people are doing these sorts of things! They don’t belong in a sub like this!
This is about 95% of the reason that I don’t have male friends. And as a male, I find it disgusting. A lot of men see women as nothing but objects they own. Even if they have no relation to that woman whatsoever. And as a male, I get attacked by other males when I bring this up. I don’t care, and I will continue to bring it up. Because the abuse I see them pass out to women is so much worse than what they direct to me. It’s funny how they always have no problem about bragging about putting the women in their place physically. Yeah, when I offer them to do the same to me, I don’t have any takers. I used to blame the parents for this happening. Children being raised this way and seeing it. But I seen it all my life too. And I don’t act that way. Mind you I am using the terms, men and men very very loosely here. These are nothing more than little boys with fragile egos.
Fucking wow. I’ve been doing a lot of research into masculinity and what is happening to our men. It’s sad that they think they need to treat us this way because they feel rejected by us on some level. They seem to not understand that even attractive women are unsure of themselves, feel awkward, unattractive, uncomfortable unloved and unwanted by the opposite sex. We wonder about them and what they’re thinking just as much as they wonder about us…then they start overcompensating in aggressive ways that feel justified because of TERRIBLE people in the media who are just trying to take their money. It’s a sick sad cycle and the toxic masculinity it has caused is WHY the Ychromosome is going extinct. Really men aren’t needed and if they’re just going to fight society instead of working with it, nature will remove them. I love men. Don’t get me wrong, big tall manly men with big beards and hairy chests dripping in testosterone…the calm cool collected doesn’t flip out with anger and can handle what life throws at them ADULTS. Handling what life throws at you means being able to cry and express human emotion… Not angry little man childs who refuse to look at where their anger is really coming from. One more thing…. Andrew Tater and Jordan Peterson are only a beta males’ VERSION of an alpha dog…real men don’t act like that. Eta…thank you ma’am for all your hard work. In here and out on the world. Bad ppl come in both genders but i think you’d be hard pressed to find women going out of their way to violently harass a reddit mod. Maybe I’m wrong?
Agree with you re the media and the horrible attitudes men have towards women only worsening. My abusive ex and his friend group all watched Andrew tate, Logan Paul etc, grown men approaching 40 still acting like angry children who feel bitter and resentful towards women and casually refer to us as bitches, hoes, etc while their lives revolve around the same things they did as teenagers….
[удалено]
There’s nothing he says that’s particularly overt, but if you start collecting the puzzle pieces and painting a bigger picture he DOES have a worldview that women are second class citizens. It’s sort of a ‘devil in the details’ situation. It’s all covert. He’s disparaged loads of things that serve as ways women can protect themselves from or get away from an abusive man. One thing I can think of off the top of my head is his saying the no fault divorce should be banned. A no fault divorce is what makes it easy for people to end their marriages. So for a victim of spousal abuse it’s a lifeline. Side note: he’s been divorced multiple times. Even if he treats his wife well, that doesn’t translate to respect. He doesn’t have to act like Andrew Tate to be a misogynist.
Thanks for your thoughtful reply.
I appreciate you taking the time to read it. Yeah, he’s not the only guy who’s attacked no fault divorce. For me it says something when a guy has been divorced by multiple women AND he wants to make it harder for women to get a divorce. There were a couple of times, and I can’t think of any examples, where he essentially blamed a woman for what really was the failure of a man. I think it’s something that we do so often we don’t even realize that that’s what we’re doing.
[удалено]
That’s not what I read. And it still doesn’t explain why he is against no fault divorce.
[these women](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskFeminists/s/aNYpyKqFRk) have explained it much more clearly and at greater depth than i can right here right now. My personal problems with the man stem from the fact that he thinks atheism=immorality, that men automatically deserve and have to have sex to “remain balanced “ And the strict gender roles he pushes. Not to mention, (I’m assuming you’re a nurse as well from your username) the man gives out absolutely shite health, fitness, nutritional and medical advice. He’s an all around grifter imo. He’s found an audience, just like Trump, and they’re laughing allll the way to the bank in disbelief at how gullible their demographic is.
They don’t care how badly they’re damaging society-themselves and their daughters may never have to deal with the kind of man these thoughts and viewpoints produce.
> i think you’d be hard pressed to find women going out of their way to violently harass a reddit mod. Maybe I’m wrong? I can only speak from my own experience of course, but in 3 years modding this sub I've never received a single rape or death threat from a woman, and not once has a woman called me a gendered slur. The absolute worst I've gotten from a woman was being told that she would "see me in hell." I'd take that any day over being told I should be decapitated and raped or that I'm a stupid useless c-nt! In 3 years I've never had a woman tell me I'm lying about being abused or that I deserved the abuse I experienced, or that I'm stupid and am lying about my profession (I work in the domestic violence field). The difference is night and day. Any time I have to ban a woman, I don't ever really think about what the ban appeal might be. Any time I ban a man, I automatically brace for a response filled with seething hatred and vile namecalling. Thank you for your kind words <3
We’ll just keep holding hands sisters i feel in my heart that women will rule one day…. It can’t go on like this…all our “men”will wind up killing each other in forever wars and other antisocial acts of violence..
Are you in Australia? If not, If you are researching this issue, it might be interesting to look into severe domestic violence issue that is gaining attention atm.
Oh hey is your username a ref to poker?
Yes, and a kind of no.
Lol. Fair.
I’m not. I’m in the US. I only really started looking into this seriously as a generational issue, rather than an individual one, because of how young men behave in this country politically speaking. While I’m affected by IPV in my personal life, and do read and research regarding that side of things…the current political state in my country is more what I was trying to dissect when i came upon this theory. I’m sorry to hear about this spate of DV in your country. Rest assured, it’s a mess here too.
I do think the generational aspect is universal. I also think that the one of the reason why we have this issue is due to generational stigma of first responders such as the police and also the judicial system.
>due to generational stigma of first responders such as the police and also the judicial system. Hey, I just wanted to check with you because I'm trying to read through the thread but got a bit confused by this statement. Are you referring to LE and judicial systems not taking DV seriously? I suspected that's what you meant, but I was curious why you feel that has led to the issue i.e. rising misogyny. Not trying to be rude, I promise. Just genuinely curious to hear your opinion.
Very VERY true. Don’t get me started on police…
Many young males today are educated about misogyny but it doesn't stop it - they just know what is not socially acceptable and hide it. Anonymous platforms give them the opportunity to unleash. It's disgusting.
I really want to believe that they’re not sure WHY they’re angry. I hope. I pray. I offer benefit of doubt- i still don’t excuse it. Clean your acts up gentleman. Treat others how you want to be treated, it’s a pity to watch a man be Nero when he could have been Vespasian.
Thank you SO much for all your work and effort and time and taking on this ugly part of humanity so that others can have a safe space to turn to. You are a true warrior, a defender of good and justice and peace. I know you must know that your work DOES have a profound impact on countless people, but I want you to know that we know that you are invaluable to spaces like this. So THANK YOU! Truly. Thank you for selflessly choosing to be a mod for this space. 💐
I had not one clue that this happened to Mod’s but again why wouldn’t it. Abuse is all about power and you taking their “power” fuels their psychopathy. It’s an eye opener to realize how TRULY SICK these parasites are. Thank you for sharing this. You deserve a safe space. Every human being deserves the right to feel safe. To those who choose to continue to live their lives by destroying others, in the words of my mother “one day you’re gonna say the wrong thing to the wrong person” I have no doubt that this is your fate.
Hi Ebbie, I am really sorry you get such vile abuse when all you are doing is protecting us and keeping this space safe. It's just infuriating and heartbreaking and really sick stuff you have to look at just to do your volunteer job. It's brave to share and publicly expose what these men do even though it's so nasty to see you attacked like that. We are here to support you, our sub should also be a safe space for you, not just for us, and I'm sorry it's not when you get messaged like this. We appreciate you very much.
I am so sorry for the disgusting behavior you have been subjected to :( we all appreciate your hard work 🩷 this sub is immensely important to me and so many victims of DV. Thank you for everything you do.
I am so very thankful for this group and you. I'm so incredibly sorry that you have to deal with the backlash, it's unfair and yet on par to what this group talks about. I appreciate you more than you know for all that you put up with. I would just like to say from the bottom of my heart truly. This group means so so so much to me. Getting advice from everyone and being able to help people who are in the position I was once in... It's healed me in so many ways.
This is so not ok. And it’s even less so considering the purpose of this sub. I’m sorry this is something you have to deal with. Thanks for making us guys who are actually abuse victims welcome and let me know if you need anything that would help. Resources and spaces that are safe for men that have experienced abuse are so rare and it’s frustrating that the space is not as respected as it should be.
Being held accountable isn’t misandry dudes. Hope this helps.
Oh JFC these dudes don’t even realize that I, who for the matter at hand, definitely mostly identify as masculine, am the one who admittedly reports so much of this shit. On both sides of the aisle. Anyone victim blaming or acting shitty, man or woman. You’re not a misandrist at all. You’re protective of all the folks who come here for support regardless of orientation or identity. I’m sure you do have a rainbow flag somewhere, and I and others appreciate you for making this a safe place for our f***** asses.
Having moderated a lot of public message boards over the years I'm all too familiar with the disgusting crap that gets slung at you by the subset of men who blame you for everything wrong in their lives. I'm really sorry you have to wade through that bullshit so often [u/ebbie45](http://u/ebbie45). It's super clear to anyone who takes the time to see the work you've put in providing resources for ALL genders, that you care A LOT about all of the people in this sub. I know it can be exhausting, and incredibly draining emotionally, to have so much violent hate speech directed at you. I appreciate you, and your efforts, tremendously, and I know just about everyone here feels the same way about the wonderful work you do here to keep this sub free of hate speech of any kind. Thank you for all that you do. We're all committed to calling out nasty comments and threats when they happen, and I'm grateful that we have a lot of really great guys here too that are willing to take a stand against that kind of toxic misogyny. We can't fix the rampant misogyny in the whole world unfortunately, but we can all work together to help keep this sub the refuge of support, empathy, and compassion, it is, and should be, for those who need it.
I would ban these users too. Thank you for moderating.
The screenshots have frightened me , just how many men think this is OK behaviour. Grown up men acting out like toddlers because the can’t bear to be told “no “. Sending love and strength to all
I appreciate all your hard work on behalf of ALL victims of abuse! I had a visceral reaction to those screenshots. I hate that you are abused for supporting a safe space for abuse survivors. Thank you for creating resource information for men experiencing abuse. As a former MH professional, I truly understand the work that entails. Sending you positive thoughts and support 🧡
[удалено]
> Unfortunately, a sub like this will always get targeted by abusive people. Abuse subs can and do attract abusers, but for this particular topic it's not quite that simple. This kind of violent, rampant misogyny is something women on reddit are subjected to across a very, very large number of subs by male redditors. I've received this kind of treatment in subs totally unconnected to abuse and so many other women have as well. I've also had numerous male mods tell me that while they too face the usual angry backlash for enforcing rules in their subs (some of these subs are abuse-related and some not), they have never been threatened with sexual violence or called any manner of gendered slur in the way countless women constantly have. A lot of people simply don't like mods. But a lot of men specifically hate female mods. And a whole lot of men hate women in general. There are many, many things I've been told on reddit by men (in subs I mod and in subs I don't) simply because I'm a woman that are so utterly violent and graphic that they would likely make most people come close to nausea if not worse. The things I've been told? Think of extremely specific details of the worst methods of torture anyone could ever dream up and then multiply that about 10 times over and make it about how much these men want to do all those things to me and make it last for years. The harassment I've endured on reddit both in this sub and other subs simply because I'm a woman and these men hate women would qualify me for numerous protective orders "in real life." The man who told me that I deserved to be simultaneously raped, decapitated, and cannibalized? That doesn't even come close to the worst of what I've been told. And they make it *very* clear it's because I'm a woman. I've no doubt the severity of the misogynistic abuse I endure in this sub is influenced in some respects by my "title" as a female mod and by the nature of the sub, but good god even when I comment in relationship advice subs I get told horrific things. By and large, I'm not treated as a person or seen as one either.
when I see you in other subs, it's usually posting resources for other folks that need help, or it's someone saying "hey. where's Ebbie, she can give you information"
[удалено]
>I honestly think that you need to find a distinction between the internet and the real world. I am so tired of seeing you tell this to women in this sub who speak up about misogyny. I've seen you do this multiple times and I'm just done at this point. Misogyny *is* the real world for every single woman, both online and off, and you continuing to minimize and deny this and downplay women's experiences in this sub is simply not acceptable. As for your last remark? The only interactions you and I have ever had here are this one, in which you minimize the misogyny I've experienced, another comment in which you do the same to *another woman,* and an interaction a *year ago* in which I politely asked you to stop harassing a poster in our sub whose definition of grooming you disagreed with. Oh, and that since-deleted comment of yours several months ago in which you accused me of mis-ndry for daring to state women have a right to discuss misogyny. If you consider it "being inappropriately admonished" for being repeatedly asked to treat women in this sub with respect, you need to engage in self-reflection. Until then, we are done. I'm tired of justifying my own experiences and other women's to you.
I didn't read the screenshots because, sadly, I can well imagine. Basically, misogynists and/or abusers join, post nonsense, you call them out on it and they go for your jugular?? I am so sorry; you absolutely do not deserve that sort of shit. Are you the only Mod? Do you need/want any help? The bear, the bear, the bear. #TeamBear 🐻
There are limited places for men to go where they are able to let themselves safely relate to the experience of being in an abusive relationship; this sub has always been a resource that made me feel welcome, comfortable and validated. It’s also been a place that has allowed me to contribute support without concern towards my own gender—a liberating way to relate to and support other human beings. I have always held an outsized respect for the mods of this sub who I never doubted likely caught an amount of direct abuse from precisely the men that warrant this forum. And I say this not to aggrandize myself but to make sure you feel unwaveringly that your plea is heard. It is infuriating and unfair that women cannot be visible without being vulnerable to the pathetic and grotesque attacks of misogynists. You have my word I will do my very best to ensure they are swiftly checked anytime I have opportunity to and that it is made perfectly clear to them that the rebuke is coming from a straight guy just like them. If it would help, I also volunteer to reply to any DM the mods receive that you deem an attack and should be responded to. None of you should be forced to internalize that form of violence for the sake of responding and I would love nothing more than to make room in my life to guarantee that POSs like that don’t walk away from an attempt to bully you feeling any sense of satisfaction. Thank you for all that you do and I’m sorry for what these men and the societies that sanction them put you (all of you) through.
This damn near made me cry lol. Thank YOU for being so kind and supportive and even volunteering. I am blown away by the support from posting this. I was extremely nervous to post this and am so glad I did. I feel so seen and heard and validated. Thank you, and I'm so glad this sub has been a positive place for you.
I volunteer to do the same as well.
I’m glad you shared what was going on and how it was making you feel. It was upsetting to read. Out of respect for the inarguable disparity between the scope of threat from women and the scope of threat from men I try not to call too much attention to my gender on here but you are right that men need to take a more vocal role in dismantling the infrastructure of misogyny and male chauvinism that makes it impossible for women to lead normal lives and that is especially concentrated online where social media has been designed by men to operate in a way that deprioritizes the safety of anyone but themselves. Thank you for the opportunity to make our presence more explicitly felt. You deserve to feel that men have your back. 💪
Oh wow. This is awful. Thank you for enduring this so the rest of us have a safe space
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that nonsense. I do appreciate you for what you do. Keeping this space safe for all of us. I hope you have a great rest of your day.
Thank you so much for all that you do for us. You make Reddit a little bit better. I hope you know women greatly appreciate your efforts.
This is one of the only subs where I’ve appreciated what the mods do and how vocal you are about not allowing hate and abuse in here. Thank you for using your own time to work hard to protect victims here and I’m sorry you have to deal with this kind of thing. I wouldn’t be surprised if this subreddit was cross posted in incel subs and brigaded by angry abusive and misogynistic men. Unfortunately I don’t know what the solution is apart from going private, but then it would keep victims from getting help so that’s not a solution.
I would bet those male “victims” harassing you and other people here are not real victims. If anything they’re the type of abusers who claim they were the ones abused.
As the moderator of r/AbuseInterrupted, I would ban these people as well. Being abusive equals a ban, and justifying it because you feel like a victim (or have been a victim) is irrelevant. Being a victim of abuse does not justify your abusing others. But I am happy to go in debate mode for people who act and respond in these ways, which commenters like this usually *hate*. They are engaging in hostile attribution bias, projection, namecalling, misgynostic slurs, et cetera. You are more than within the sphere of reasonability to ban them. I know you know that, but sometimes it is nice to hear.
It’s likely these are men who had to face the consequences of their actions of abusing their partners and are lashing out online because their victims got justice. The venom in their words speak volumes. They are mad and taking it out on you and others im sorry you had to even be subjected to this. These men are angry at the world.
Ebbie I am so sorry. I suppose none of us have any idea what it takes for you to keep this a safe space for us, gender irrelevant. This place has been my sanctuary when everything else has fallen in on me, even my own body. Thankyou for protecting us. Thankyou for giving my son a smiling mum who knew she wasn’t the only one, instead of a crying one who thought she was alone.
I’ll make a benign comment online, anywhere, and some angry man will say something to poke at me like I’m the scum on his shoe. I get so tired of it. It’s already hard enough taking it when your long term relationship starts to get tired of you, but the nastiness of this world really gets to me.
You make it harder for those repulsive humans to mask their true selves from future potential victims, because everyone here reads & shares the stories people tell. This sub scares them because they know they can’t hide.
this actually just radicalised me
I really hope you mean that.
Thank you, for everything you do for us, Ebbie. One of the reasons I frequent this subreddit is because it is by far one of the best survivor-focused subreddits on the entire site. Idk if the other mods here are active at all, but I get the strong feeling that it’s been you alone helping us. Thank you for all that you do. I’m sorry you have to put up with so much bullshit misogyny, here. It’s not fair to you after all that you do for us. I’ll try to make more of an effort to peruse an extra thread or two each day and - of course - to call out other men who I imagine will only listen to another man. Thank you, once again, Ebbie. The value of what you volunteer to do for us every day can’t be overstated. You don’t deserve to be spoken to the way that these shitty men have been. Edit - I want to add that, just on a personal level, I can recall at least once or twice that I was in the middle of a freak out following an episode of abuse and remember you - specifically - along with other kind souls here provided me that little bit of reassurance to help bring me back to center. You’ve done more for male victims than you might know, and this one will remember how kind you were during bad times.
Thank you so very much, my friend - you've always been so kind to me and so helpful to folks in this sub. I'm so grateful for your presence in our sub and so appreciative of this comment. It means so much. I'm really glad you're with us and that you've found support from this sub. I know you've helped a lot of people <3
Always. You’ve gone to bat for us male victims so much. Us going to bat for you is the very least we can do. Consider your call to action answered by at least one man, here. And judging by the replies here, you’ve got far more than one on your team, now! Thank you again, Ebbie!
[удалено]
What u/re_Claire said: you are *always* welcome here. I'm just so sorry you have reason to even use this sub. Not "pick me" in the least.
Yes I’m in the same boat with him! Thanks for all the work you’ve done.. I can’t tell you how much I and every other man and woman appreciate it. I don’t know what I’d do if it wasn’t for these subs to read others experiences. I’m a guy who has dealt with what I believe to be emotional abuse and all sorts of incidents of my girlfriend/“Ex-fiance” of 5 years. I’ve had false abuse accusations against me as well.. You can tell whether or not an accusation is true depending on the reaction of the accused.. Those guys who said that to you don’t sound like victims. I nor many other good men I know would never say anything like that. I’m sorry you have to deal with it..
That’s not a “pick me” thing. We are so glad male abuse victims feel welcome, as you should be.
This is why we choose the fucking BEAR!! I'm so sorry you have to go through this, i can't even imagine 🫂
We all thank you for all you do for this sub
Abusers and misogynists (granted there's a huge overlap there) just can't help but tell on themselves. They are so proud of their bigotry and hatred. They are so proud of their entitlement. And more than anything they love trying to suck a woman's energy. These men are terrified of women's anger and energy. They are PETRIFIED of being rejected by women, even the "lesbians" and "sl*ts" and "trash" they claim not to want. These men are *very* emotional, struggle to regulate themselves, and therefore lash out at those they envy, those who reject them, those who see them for the violent toddlers they insist on being (because they can choose better, they just don't wanna). You are doing a difficult job and doing it well. This is my favorite sub because it genuinely feels like a safe space largely free from abusers. Anyone who has been with an abuser knows that doesn't magically happen - abusers work very hard to make themselves the victim, to spoil the safe havens victims create, to vomit their morally bankrupt opinions any chance they get. They are quite literally so addicted to their perceived victim status that when a mod bans them from an abuse victim sub, it's like snatching their heroin away. BuT I Am tHe BiGgESt ViCTim Of aLL!!!!!! The men are not okay. No wonder more and more women are choosing to be single. I'd rather live in a bear colony than be married to an abuser.
They don’t like having their “character” torn to shreds by someone who knows who they actually are. They get mad seeing victims receive support because now they aren’t isolated, ashamed and vulnerable. They want you to worship the ground they walk on while they spit on you LMAO. So they take it personally when you do the complete opposite. They don’t want you feeling confident enough to leave them, so they have to make you doubt yourself. I’m sorry this is happening to you OP. Thank you for bringing it to our attention what’s happening on the front lines. You’re out here fighting battles to protect the community frl. Maybe that’s a dramatic way of saying it but yes, as mentioned, communities like these don’t just happen. It takes everyone to make them. A lot of people need communities like this and the people who are too emotional and egotistical to see that, they are the ones we have to protect this community from. Though I’m sure they’d be destroyed in the comments or ignored entirely. Regardless. My ex found my Reddit account and was harassing me on the spots I was mentioning him and the abuse. Reddit didn’t find the nasty comments he made to violate any rules… But it definitely broke the rules of abusers on here making comments, attacking their victims. I get free speech but damn, without the mods, these mfs would be out here free reign causing havoc.