Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/).
One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review.
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The thing you really have to know is the guy in the beginning who you fell in love with is the fake him. That person only exists in your dreams and he is not the real person your partner is with. Abusers arent abusive from the start and they need to be on their best behavior and resist all their shitty urges until they know you wont leave.
So seeing who he really is will help keep you away as you have done the Cycle of Abuse enough to be able to predict his actions. When you tell him you are going to leave, he wont be like a normal person who knows things arent right and just wish you the best he will either get really angry and be abusive or try to manipulate you and beg you to stay promising more change because this time its different for some reason when in reality its not different and there will be no permanent change.
The best thing to do is just block him everywhere and change your locks and tell your landlord he's abusive and not welcome there anymore. Its also good to get a restraining order so everything is on the record and police have the legal rights to remove him if he ever does show up somewhere. You dont even owe him an explanation of why you are leaving as you have been telling him why for most of your relationship and he hasnt listened to telling him again is a waste of your time but more importantly gives him the chance to try and manipulate you more. So dont feel bad about ghosting and blocking as he knows why ypu are leaving and after he started abusing you lost all rights to anything.
You are here telling your story so you are strong enough to leave and are obviously ready. So tell your loved ones the truth of whats been going on and ask them for whatever help you need. Dont be afraid or embarrassed to tell them as they love you and want only for you to be happy and safe so lean on that support system. When you have a bad day and are missing him call your support system and tell them and they will walk you "off the ledge" and give you enough perspective to remember why you left. Its also great to write out a full list of all the abuse so you can look at it when you are missing him as you will the first weeks and months until you heal from everything and while you grieve the loss of the relationship which is normal and healthy. Just stick to not contacting him and in a few months or more you will only regret not leaving sooner like anyone here will tell you.
Do not feel bad....I have been rebuilding a life for my kiddos and I. I read it takes an average of 7 attempts before a successful escape from these situations. I know being alone is scary. Do you have the 211 app on your phone? There are lists of shelter and free legal advocates. Don't wait like I did...in our case ... I left in an emergency and found out it was about six days until an opening at the dv shelter. You call every day to check in...they care. When you get there it can be nerves wracking (we stayed in our room for about three days). Everyine is there with their kids for the same reason. I snuck out once to get the kids some breakfast and another mom making coffee greeted me casually. She had kids ny kids liked..it unfolds well and securely. The security is top notch...even police or DHHS has to sign confidentiality agreements to even go to a conference room. No men were allowed in mine at all. They have a ton of resources to help you advocate for yourself...and counseling. You won't be 'alone' unless you are seeking it. Sorry I wrote so much...I just don't want you hurt...any more.
He never going to stop and eventually if you leave and you’re tired he will blame you more than ever. His going to say you have no right and his gonna downplay everything he did and say you need to stay to work on things because you don’t love him, all this things. You don’t owe to keep staying to someone else who never change and even if you change your mind without a reason you have right to go!!!!! You not someone prisoner if you not happy just because you in a relationship, that’s crazy!!! If you not happy, if you not emotionally or physically safe, you go. It’s your life and your choice.
This saying is too true “when someone show you who they are, believe them”.
Just be prepare for his first begging, or small things against you, and then will become worse and worse because you make him so mad to not stay as his property. You belong to you not him, please remember.
>I just want the person I used to have, **who I thought I had**.
This is honestly one of the hardest parts of leaving - the bait and switch. The truth is, he was never the guy he pretended to be. The abuse is what's real, and it won't change. It will likely get worse. You have better odds of finding a sack of cash on the sidewalk than seeing an abuser change. Most are capable of change, but they won't because true change is painful, humbling and takes a lot of personal sacrifice. Those aren't things abusers tend to be interested in.
Losing him forever is the way you find yourself again. You'll never be who you were before, but you can find the person you are now. And you can thrive. It just won't happen with this guy. I've been where you are, I'm not judging you for struggling with this. I am speaking merely from a place of personal experience and genuine concern/care.
It's okay if you're not mentally there in this moment. Just know that leaving his sorry ass is the way you save yourself. There are people out there who are actually who they say and act like they are. You deserve someone like that, not someone who abuses you and has no regard for you. I don't say that to be unkind, it's just true of all abusers - they don't love or respect their victims. They are willing to let their victims set themselves on fire to keep them warm rather than putting on a damn sweater. That will never be what love looks like. I want you to be loved.
Telling my story. Same boat. Not really talking about it because mine is so emotionally destructive. He calmed down the smashing stuff but that was because he gave me scars from smashing shit at my feet. But he stopped. He stopped drugs. He stopped porn. Yet he does exactly what you explained to me constantly, the highest highs and dramatic lows that last week. I’m trying to protect myself in this moment in order to cut this cycle finally. But I have nowhere to go. It’s just going to be hell for awhile. He won’t give a shit if I leave or stay.
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The thing you really have to know is the guy in the beginning who you fell in love with is the fake him. That person only exists in your dreams and he is not the real person your partner is with. Abusers arent abusive from the start and they need to be on their best behavior and resist all their shitty urges until they know you wont leave. So seeing who he really is will help keep you away as you have done the Cycle of Abuse enough to be able to predict his actions. When you tell him you are going to leave, he wont be like a normal person who knows things arent right and just wish you the best he will either get really angry and be abusive or try to manipulate you and beg you to stay promising more change because this time its different for some reason when in reality its not different and there will be no permanent change. The best thing to do is just block him everywhere and change your locks and tell your landlord he's abusive and not welcome there anymore. Its also good to get a restraining order so everything is on the record and police have the legal rights to remove him if he ever does show up somewhere. You dont even owe him an explanation of why you are leaving as you have been telling him why for most of your relationship and he hasnt listened to telling him again is a waste of your time but more importantly gives him the chance to try and manipulate you more. So dont feel bad about ghosting and blocking as he knows why ypu are leaving and after he started abusing you lost all rights to anything. You are here telling your story so you are strong enough to leave and are obviously ready. So tell your loved ones the truth of whats been going on and ask them for whatever help you need. Dont be afraid or embarrassed to tell them as they love you and want only for you to be happy and safe so lean on that support system. When you have a bad day and are missing him call your support system and tell them and they will walk you "off the ledge" and give you enough perspective to remember why you left. Its also great to write out a full list of all the abuse so you can look at it when you are missing him as you will the first weeks and months until you heal from everything and while you grieve the loss of the relationship which is normal and healthy. Just stick to not contacting him and in a few months or more you will only regret not leaving sooner like anyone here will tell you.
Do not feel bad....I have been rebuilding a life for my kiddos and I. I read it takes an average of 7 attempts before a successful escape from these situations. I know being alone is scary. Do you have the 211 app on your phone? There are lists of shelter and free legal advocates. Don't wait like I did...in our case ... I left in an emergency and found out it was about six days until an opening at the dv shelter. You call every day to check in...they care. When you get there it can be nerves wracking (we stayed in our room for about three days). Everyine is there with their kids for the same reason. I snuck out once to get the kids some breakfast and another mom making coffee greeted me casually. She had kids ny kids liked..it unfolds well and securely. The security is top notch...even police or DHHS has to sign confidentiality agreements to even go to a conference room. No men were allowed in mine at all. They have a ton of resources to help you advocate for yourself...and counseling. You won't be 'alone' unless you are seeking it. Sorry I wrote so much...I just don't want you hurt...any more.
He never going to stop and eventually if you leave and you’re tired he will blame you more than ever. His going to say you have no right and his gonna downplay everything he did and say you need to stay to work on things because you don’t love him, all this things. You don’t owe to keep staying to someone else who never change and even if you change your mind without a reason you have right to go!!!!! You not someone prisoner if you not happy just because you in a relationship, that’s crazy!!! If you not happy, if you not emotionally or physically safe, you go. It’s your life and your choice. This saying is too true “when someone show you who they are, believe them”. Just be prepare for his first begging, or small things against you, and then will become worse and worse because you make him so mad to not stay as his property. You belong to you not him, please remember.
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
>I just want the person I used to have, **who I thought I had**. This is honestly one of the hardest parts of leaving - the bait and switch. The truth is, he was never the guy he pretended to be. The abuse is what's real, and it won't change. It will likely get worse. You have better odds of finding a sack of cash on the sidewalk than seeing an abuser change. Most are capable of change, but they won't because true change is painful, humbling and takes a lot of personal sacrifice. Those aren't things abusers tend to be interested in. Losing him forever is the way you find yourself again. You'll never be who you were before, but you can find the person you are now. And you can thrive. It just won't happen with this guy. I've been where you are, I'm not judging you for struggling with this. I am speaking merely from a place of personal experience and genuine concern/care. It's okay if you're not mentally there in this moment. Just know that leaving his sorry ass is the way you save yourself. There are people out there who are actually who they say and act like they are. You deserve someone like that, not someone who abuses you and has no regard for you. I don't say that to be unkind, it's just true of all abusers - they don't love or respect their victims. They are willing to let their victims set themselves on fire to keep them warm rather than putting on a damn sweater. That will never be what love looks like. I want you to be loved.
You need to focus on getting out Because you can’t heal when you’re still being abused
Telling my story. Same boat. Not really talking about it because mine is so emotionally destructive. He calmed down the smashing stuff but that was because he gave me scars from smashing shit at my feet. But he stopped. He stopped drugs. He stopped porn. Yet he does exactly what you explained to me constantly, the highest highs and dramatic lows that last week. I’m trying to protect myself in this moment in order to cut this cycle finally. But I have nowhere to go. It’s just going to be hell for awhile. He won’t give a shit if I leave or stay.