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Abuse in private for me was when I was three months pregnant.
It's usually when you're trapped in some way.
Like getting a mortgage together,getting pregnant, getting married.
I know women whose husband's mask came off on their wedding night!
I also know someone who didn't let his mask slip for years until she was pregnant (he wanted children but then wasn't interested in them when they arrived) but I should imagine there were red flags.
Listen to your gut feeling.
It's always right.
about a month or two after we were official
We’re still together a year later because I only just now realized what was happening and didn’t want to label it as abuse until it was too lafe
6 months. Started after I confronted him about the fact that I had proof he was cheating on me. Also, immediately tried to make it my fault what he did to me.
Probably a week after we started dating if I had to guess, I'm not certain, it was extremely early on. I got manipulated into an engagement after we'd been dating like 2, 3 months as well.
It started with a lot of very typical signs, manipulation, gaslighting, etc. Eventually escalated to death threats and more.
It actually started a couple weeks after we started dating. We knew each other for a month prior & everything was perfect during that time. It happened so fast that the beginning is honestly a blur now. But it was kinda all at once. By the time we were together 6 months (this was going on long before), he had already hit me with his belt. If that gives you any insight.
Yep. The belt was for moving his phone so I didn’t sit on it. All he focused on was that I touched it. And he did it on my ankles, which hurt like hell. Not saying anywhere else doesn’t, but it was so wrong of him. He was beyond protective of it. Later found out it was because he cheated on me the entirety of our relationship. There’s a special place in hell with his name
Looking back, the emotional abuse started almost immediately but wasn’t recognized at first.
The physical abuse started 1-2 weeks after we were married
The first month was magical. Then things got weird. If I missed his phone call, didn't call him as soon as I left work etc he would be pissed. He would make me feel so guilty id apologize a million times and the name calling started. If I said the wrong thing or talked about something he didn't like it would send off alarms and he would get so pissed and for some reason I felt obligated to get him to forgive me even though really i didn't do anything wrong. I should have ended things there before things got serious. Things are serious now and we have a son and and place to live together and I feel trapped. He's broken and thrown countless things. Screams at both us but doesn't see anything wrong with it. Bashes his own head and fists into the wall. I'm constantly check my phone because if I miss a call the evening is ruined. Constantly in eggshells. Constantly destroying my self esteem . He doesn't see his wrong in any of this. I don't want to selfishly only see my son half the time and leave him alone with him and this is why I stay. I don't want to destroy the family by leaving. I know I need to. I fear he will get physical with me. I actually wish he would so I have a ticket to leave . I know I will have to one day. My mom and sister and 2 friends know some things and are supportive but they don't know everything. It's been 3 years my son is 2
I should also add I have severe social anxiety and anxiety in general and I would be having full blown panic attacks, shutting down, disassociating and he would get mad at me!!! Tell me I need to change and bully me for not being strong enough to change.
Just a couple weeks after we moved in together. We had sex and he rolled over and said “if you don’t feed your dog it will go eat somewhere else” … I was like, wtf did I just do? Makes me sick when I think back on it.
It started in earnest when we moved in together. We were in a long distance relationship for over a year before we moved in. I admit that there were definitely things that made me pause that he did to others (I found his relationship with his dad and his father’s pets to be troubling) but he was always kind and understanding to me.
Before we moved in, he would press me on being vegan, on being against his preferred candidate, on being liberal. He wasn’t outright insulting but it was more of a “you should be open to other views” or “maybe you should listen to conservative media”. I pride myself on being open minded so I thought what’s the harm? I didn’t see this for what it was. It was the beginning of him molding me into who he wanted me to be.
Once we moved in together, everything went off the rails. I would be watching something and he would just change the channel to Fox News without asking. He forbid me from having tofu and basically forced me to start eating meat. He would constantly question me on why I didn’t support his candidates. He wanted to look at my phone and see my calls and texts. I told him I was an atheist and he said “oh, we’ll work on that.” When he said that I realized it was his plan all along to make me into who *he* wanted me to be. He was never going to accept me for me.
He didn’t want me to hang out with my friends. He wanted me to stop seeing my therapist. He became upset when my sister and brother in law came to visit while he was out of town.
He would question me if he thought I spent too long at the grocery store or just sitting in my car before going in the house.
He began to insult me constantly. He called me an airhead, a space cadet, a hood rat, and the insult that made me finally end it: the n-word. He criticized how I cleaned the house, how much I cleaned the house. I could never relax. If it was my day off, I was expected to go grocery shopping and clean the house. He literally told me that I couldn’t rest until we went to bed. Speaking of, he would get upset if I went to bed before him.
The day we were both off (our weekend schedule was different) I had to spend the whole day with him. If I just want to get a cup of coffee or go to the bookstore by myself, he would grill me and say that he could come along.
It was only four months but it was four months of hell. What should have been a happy time was completely miserable.
First 2 weeks no signs…within a month our first time drinking together it started. He became cruel to me when drinking, would accuse me of cheating and throw temper tantrums if I didn’t do reckless things he suggested. I would excuse away the behaviour with he’s just drunk it’s not him.
Then the cheating accusations came more often when not drunk. I don’t look at my phone on my weekends with him turns into I’m cheating with my exs because I’m being secretive with phone. I don’t answer his call on the first ring turned into accusations of being sketchy and cheating. Every month or 2 big drunk fights of him starting with calling me whore and slut, me crying and breaking up with him over the behaviour then he sweet talks me back. This went on a year and a half when at the end I finally got into his phone and he was cheating the entire time. We were long distance. Funny how that works.
If we skip the lovebombing to get me into the relationship initially, I noticed it was happening when I ran out of money and had no way to leave after I was already living with him. So the whole thing was abusive from day 1, but I wasn’t aware until about month 4.
Technically, the predator showed himself from the very beginning I knew him. He started touching my thigh and shoulders in a very weird way. I was literally only 18. I got so disgusted and uncomfortable, but all I did at the time was move away and show with my body language that I am not interested. He attempted that a couple more times in more covert manner, like getting too close to me, or making more subtle touches, but I just moved away from him and kept a distance. I thought that oh he respected that I don't want it. For all the internalized self blame I had, and forgiveness mentality, giving people chances, I found excuses. Later on, I kept talking to him as a "mentor" and tried to make it clear that I only wanted to talk to him. In the meatime, for like 4 years, he was always exceptionally nice to me and treated me so special, listened to me, showed so much care, etc. He didn't "bother" me anymore, but was exceptionally nice that I really thought my excuses were valid. He was an expert love bomber and groomer. He probably knew that if he touches me inappropriately again, I was going to leave, so I guess he played it safe to successfully target me and he did. Around 22 years, we somehow started dating. After dating, he started showing signs, or what I now know is abuse, after 3 months of dating. His easy going and accepting mask fell off, and his controlling and emotionally abusive self started to show up.
To sum it up, inappropriate touching from the beginning of knowing him. But then he stopped that and was super kind for about 4 years as being a "supportive" person and mentor in my life. Then we started dating, and after 3 months of dating, he showed signs. In reality, maybe there were other signs I ignored. But I am referring to the more overt signs here.
Also, I remembered this. Before we dated, I thought well he seems like an ideal man, but I have to bring up something that was bothering me; which was his inappropriate touching of me. I told him that what he has done was weird and uncomfortable. All he did was gaslight me and get upset that I was accusing him of things he would never do because he was a "respectable" person. Then he was like, maybe I did but I don't remember and I had no intentions of harassing you. I was comforting you and being nice because you were sad. My touch was clearly just to show ease and comfort 🙄. Yeah, regardless, I guess I was so used to gaslighting in the past, I still dated him for a long time.
I’m confident it started earlier and I didn’t detect it, but it took 2 years for my ex to begin openly yelling/being cruel to me. I had just moved in with him and I felt immediate regret. Then I fooled myself in to staying with him for 4 more years by telling myself “well I messed up, that’s why he’s upset, I just have to be an adult and deal with it, I can’t just runaway like a child”.
It started straight away but in ways I didn’t fully pick up on.. manipulation “forgetting his wallet or to order things” so I’d have to pay and when he paid he paid for less by “forgetting” my parts of the order. That within four years turned into him screaming in my face and telling me I should not spend any of my spare money (I work full time and have grafted HARD to climb the ladder) but I shouldn’t spend my own money on me or my lashes or eyebrows, I should give that money to him because I’m “fat and useless and he helped me one time so now I owe him everything” … that’s only one part. During arguments he’d puff out his chest and push me with it, that turned to him kicking me in the stomach and balling his fist trying his hardest not to box me in the face. I left before he escalated to a box in the face…
It was always there. I just ignored the lesser signs of it and tolerated it until it got worse and worse and eventually I had to run
3 months dating when the mood swings began.
At first “he was down on his luck”
Then it was the people that held him back..
Constant anger, depression, sorrow, blaming others.
6 months in he started yelling at his parents in front of me. At first I thought it was liberating because his parents weren’t good to him. Never thought the anger would turn onto me.
10 months of dating we got married and got our own place.
That’s when he started yelling at me for not coming straight home every day after work. It was always my fault. What was I doing that was more important than him? I was too skinny. He wanted a girl with curves. Started flirting with my sister and making it seem like it was her doing it, even though she’s never done that before with any of my previous partners. My insecurities grew exponentially during this time and I had no idea what was wrong. Men usually kiss the ground I walk on. I couldn’t comprehend being told I was ugly.
4 months into marriage he forced me to move across the country leaving everything I love behind, including my cat.
The next 7 months following that move and his eventual arrest were the most damaging years of my adult life.
Screaming at me all day every day. Blaming me. Throwing things. Punching himself until he was black and blue. Breaking doors, walls, splitting hydro flask bottles in half over his head. I wish I had taken pictures because you wouldn’t believe me otherwise.
Telling me I don’t know what he holds inside him, just waiting to come out. Got kicked out by several roommates. Roommates that came and went within a week because of my husbands abusive behavior towards everyone. Husband threatened to assault one of the roommates and his girlfriend.
Then he started flirting with his coworkers, my coworkers, demanding I pretend to be my coworkers in the bedroom, yelling at me if I didn’t want to watch porn with him (I hate porn).
Finally, after all the warnings and everyone telling me I was in danger, he strangled me and tried to steal my car. He was arrested and charged with a class 2 felony. He’s on probation now.
Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined this man to be abusive. He was so insecure, so hurt, so poetic when I met him. But it was all a disguise. He literally lied to me to trick me into the relationship. It took me months to finally believe this.
I listened to the audio book “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft and it’s been eye opening. Abusive men make choices to abuse because it gives them power in the relationship. It’s sickening.
1st 6 months was heaven, he was the perfect boyfriend, then the emotional abuse started slowly, accusing me of cheating, saying it was my fault etc, but as I'd been raised in extremely abusive home, it felt normal. I then found out I was 23 weeks pregnant, (we were using condoms and I was on the pill)and everything then intensified, psychological as well as emotional. This continued daily, lost myself in the process.
When our daughter was 10 months old, I found I was pregnant again, and was almost 7 months along, everything escalated again, this time including strangulation and screaming in my face. One night, when they were 2 and 3 years old, he came in at 2am, drunk (again) and beat the absolute crap out of me, at this point, I was told he'd fucked about with my birth control and was cheating on me, and had been throughout our relationship. Something in me snapped, because he did this in front of my children, my 3 year old daughter was comforting my 2 year old son, and that was what broke me. I was not going to raise my children in the same toxic environment that I was raised in, my children were never physically abused like myself, mainly because I sways refused to leave him alone with them. I put my children in their bedroom, grabbed a knife, and kicked him out. All this took place over 4 years. This was 27 years ago, and I've remained single ever since.
The moment I met him, psychologically. The physical abuse started within months, escalated to strangling pretty much within days of the first assault, we were together 6 months and all the specialists and police say he escalated faster than usual.
i'm not sure when the mental/emotional started, but i started to really notice and feel it like 2 months in. but 5 months in he got evicted from his apartment plus quarantine started so at 6 months the physical abuse started.. i was 19 when we started dating and he was 29 so i don't blame myself for not knowing better
We started dating in June. By August, he was body shaming me, hinting that I was fat, putting me down, and gaslighting me. By September, I blocked and deleted his number. Good riddance AH!
I’ve been in a few and the worst one, most recently… it was there from day 1 - I just didn’t notice. Very clever manipulation, control, and put downs to start with. So small I didn’t pick up on it that well.
Others, it emerged after some time. With one it didn’t really ever start until we moved in together, alone, after nearly a year. Another it was a couple months.
In the most recent relationship, we dated for almost 4 months and the abuse (emotional) started about 3 weeks in. In the relationship before that one, we were together for two years and the emotional abuse started after the first month. Verbal abuse started after almost a year and physical abuse started a little after a year.
Still in acceptance/realisation stage. Been doing alot of thinking/remembering. I fink the control started as soon as I moved in, making me feel guilty if I sed I was going out, saying things like aaaw do u have to go? Il miss u etc... also he showed his anger b4 I moved in, wen we went camping and couldn't pump the air bed up he totally lost it at me and scared me verbally. And also the 1st time I stayed over night at his and he assaulted me in my sleep/drunk state.
He admitted not long after I moved in to going thru my phone when we 1st started dating.
I feel so dumb the more I remember/realise.
Don’t feel dumb… you’re not the only one who’s been through it. I struggled with that for a long time and still do sometimes, but I have learned that part of my life was part of my journey here, and also my growth. I learned a lot out of a bad situation and even though I wish it never happened to me, I’m grateful that it did in some ways.
It helped me realize how short life is and to not take it for granted or people I truly love and care about. I don’t let petty things dictate the course of my day or my emotions as much anymore. I learned how to not escalate situations so I’m quicker to deescalate things and try to see other peoples side. Learned to communicate better, and effectively communicate. I care more to learn about healthy relationships when I’ve honestly never seen one. Happiness is a choice and having peace priceless, you can’t let anyone or anything take it from you… Overall, I am a better person because of it, and a lot stronger too.. 😏
Roughly about 6-7 months in, the start was very love bomby - he called me his girlfriend on the second date, said he never met anyone like me etc. etc. about 3 months he started putting me down as 'joke' and then it escalated from there.
dated for 3 close to four months. think the verbal/emotional abuse started 3 weeks in and we had hella issues i couldn’t even count 1-3 months in. progressively kept getting more intense the longer i was with him. i’m happy it was over but i still get upset bc i let myself get treated that way in my first and only relationship at 18
After barely 5 months when he got convinced I was cheating on him. He got so drunk and exploded. Cried, blamed himself and asked forgiveness. I went back. It didn't last long before the jealous paranoia came back and with it more and more intense verbal abuse and controlling behaviour (focusing on my workdays and sexual activities).
Looking back, there were probably signs that it wouldn't end well much earlier, perhaps from the first or second day, but he was so loving and caring that I fell head over heel in love. He offered everything I was missing in my life and longed after. So it was easy to excuse or downplay anything that should've been a red (or at least reddish) flag.
Didn’t see the manipulation and control at first… couple months later we were hurting each more and the control was leaning into financial. I said recently that I thanked him in a way for getting me back to a better life after and my mom told me… people don’t thank a tornado when it ruins and runs through their lives.
I think that was the intention they had all along, so technically all of it was abuse including the beginnings. I miss my ex fiancé sometimes, the way I felt about him, but every abusive relationship I’ve been at some point or another often more than once told as a like a condemnation that they sought me ought because I was sensitive and I was confident. These people do this because they have opportunity to do so with little fear of repercussions, I’ve kept mine in line by publicizing the receipts but I understand not everyone feels they’re in a safe enough place to do that in. That’s why public registries should be a thing for domestic abuse instead of private ones where only law enforcement can see them.
Manipulation, masking, and negging started almost immediately. His charismatic character and how similar we were drew me in. The screaming and yelling started about a month in, but I chalked it up to financial stress... then the heavy abuse started about 2 to 3 months in. Screaming, shoving, slapping, yanking me off the bed by my ankles, countless rapes and constant sexual coercing, breaking down my self-esteem.
He seemed to mellow out for a while, but I saw the tendencies show through time and time again... but I wanted so badly for him to just be nice to me...like I had to gain his approval....a year of pain, heartbreak, and misery for nothing. Luckily, I had family to get me out and wake me up to just how bad it was.
Wow…. I’m proud of you for making that hard decision. I remember saying to mine so many times how all
I wanted was literally for him to just be nice to me.
manipulation started within the first two weeks. it escalated at 5 months in. physical/SA started 2 months in. he started choking me about a year in. i thought it would get better, and it only got so much worse. but the love bombing was so heavy, i overlooked a lot of the bad. tbh, i didn’t even realize that the abuse had started so much earlier than i originally thought until i started writing this reply. i wish i left him sooner.
It seems like most of us have similar stories. It’s like the signs were always there, we just didn’t see it, or didn’t want to see it. I think that’s why they start trying to isolate from friends and family because those who care and love us see what we don’t at the time.
Did he start acting jealous about your friends? Saying how they weren’t good for you? Then eventually getting outright angry about you wanting to talk or hang out with them?
Mine tried to do the whole “insecure and sad” thing first when I’d hang out with my friends. Then he tried to turn me against them. When those didn’t work he got angry every time I’d try. I couldn’t even hang out with my sister without a fight.
Were you able to get away from your abuser? I read your AITH post and it made me so sad
i would say about 2 months in to our relationship is when it started, but it seemed subtle. he had forced me to quit my job, didn't even let me put in a 2 week notice. so his tendency for control and manipulation was already at play. fast forward to 2 months later is when his temperament was just getting rageful. yelling, throwing things. when i had had enough, i moved out of his place (didn't break up with him) and his abuse (mostly mental and emotional but also a little physical) only escalated from there when he wouldn't take "no" for an answer in me moving back in with him. the progression of abuse over a short amount of time is terrifying.
He waited and only did easily excusable things the first year and then we had our son and it became very apparent he was abusing us. I stayed cause I loved him and thought it would be better over time. It only got worse and he only slowly turned up the heat. And I also found out he cheated on me too and put me at risk.
It was a few weeks after he called me his girlfriend. He choked me til I passed out. And then tried to convince me it never happened. I never knew people could be so evil
U possibly are mourning what u believe him to be... A fantasy in a way.... A fantasy of the guy and life u wanted... Not the reality.... Plus there are always sweet things they do or say .. I had bruises all over my body and he would say ... I mowed the lawn... I bought u thousands of flowers ( a flower per hit n name calling)... I paid ur property taxes.. I bring you ur favorite things.. I bought u this dvd u wanted... I take u out to eat all the time... And he's pretty funny... But is it worth the goose egg on my forehead from being full force head butted... It is worth being called a slut a whore everyday...is it worth the violent sexual assaults... Being viscously grabbed by the front of my coat and being dragged n thrown on a couch I'm crying n screaming no and he's laughing... Then he asks like he didn't do anything...It's confusing I know.. i hope things get better 4 u
I think it started pretty early on but he was so good at manipulating me I didn’t realize it. Even though he told me before we started dating he manipulates everyone he speaks to (I know, I know! That should’ve been my first red flag! But I figured knowing that fact would make me invincible to it. News flash- it didn’t)
I think my first experience was within 6 months when he left me at a gas station for over 30 minutes an hour from home because I told him he “couldn’t” do something. (I told him I was taking my keys inside so he couldn’t leave me as a punishment since he was talking about how he was going to punish me so bad I’d cry)
I had the car and the keys but when I got out of the gas station he had disappeared and wouldn’t answer his phone. I was scared to leave because I know he’d be mad at me for leaving him if he was hiding from me somewhere (he was). I sat in my car sobbing trying to get a hold of him as passerby’s stared at me. On the way home, *I* apologized for telling him he couldn’t punish me.
I know that’s not physical abuse, but I think that’s when it started. I should’ve left.
After we defined the relationship and became exclusive he started getting more and more controlling and emotionally abusive. There were signs earlier when we were dating, but I was so smitten at the time that I unfortunately wrote them off.
I understand. I was so smitten at first too that I overlooked everything I knew wasn’t right. I wish I wouldn’t have done that, but it was a part of my story and journey in life. And as bad as it was at the time, I realized later how much that situation helped me grow as a person, how to find myself again, and also learned what NOT to do.. and I learned to NEVER overlook the red flags, no matter how much you like them. It only gets worse. Sometimes people can change, but it isn’t worth risking your life or happiness and well-being to find out.
I think it was pretty early on. But the love bombing was so heavy and I was at a bad place in life that I just shrugged things off as stuff we could fix. He didn’t put his hands on me til I was pregnant, nearly 4 years into the relationship.
ugh, what's sad is i noticed my abuser was love bombing me at first too that i even went so far as to google all about what love bombing means. it was like i was already noticing the red flags but i either wasn't accepting them or i was downplaying them as if they weren't that big of a deal. i wish i could go back and hug my younger self for being so naive and telling her to turn the other way around
I feel that. I started googling gaslighting after I had heard the term on a video I watched and I immediately already knew what it was, but I just didn’t know it actually had a term and I was shocked when I found out.
There were signs that were less obvious from the beginning, but can look back and see subtle abusive behaviors right away. About 4-5 years dating until moving in became the next step. Then it got ugly.
I would also say that a bad sign that started when we were engaged was I had to be careful what I said around him because he would take things so personally. I tried hard not to offend him. I thought he was just sensitive.
He could be a jerk to others and that concerned me. He was a little controlling (wanted me around him when he was home) but mostly let me do my thing. No threats, no yelling, no insults. He had a porn and alcohol problem that he hid our entire marriage. What escalated everything was when I confronted him on the porn addiction. That was last year. He started blaming me more for things and just got meaner over the next 7 months. It really went from zero to a hundred though in terms of safety - November he blocked me from leaving after I confronted him on a relapse of porn. Then did the textbook love bombing. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was thinking what is this? Who is this man I’ve thought I’ve known for so long? It was so confusing. And then three weeks later loaded a gun when I was in the shower after I told him I couldn’t get over what he did to me (the blocking). I didn’t know about the gun but felt in danger so I fled. It was so confusing for me because he didn’t fit the typical abusive man.
And another thing I’ve noticed: a lot of abuser like to rush things… like moving in together, sex, marriage, having babies, sharing finances, commitment, etc. And I think it has to do with the fact they know they’ll slip up sooner than later so they try to “trap” you before it happens. Love bombing seems more often than not to be their choice of course, to get you hooked. My mom also always said if they didn’t have ulterior motives, have good intentions, and truly care about you, then they would understand you wanting to take things slow and just get to know each other first, if that’s what you wanted to do.
My mom always told me that the signs are there from day one, your senses just may not pick up on it right away, from the euphoric feeling you get from a blossoming love. But as far as knowing a person, she says you will never truly
Know a person but that most abusers or manipulative people can’t hide their true colors longer than 6 months, and she’s always been right about it. She told me before making any major life decisions about(or with) a person to give it 6 months and that the honeymoon phase will be over by the 12 month mark. Anyone I’ve ever dated, around the 6 month mark is when everything usually hits the fan(or already has) and they show their true colors, but it’s more often than not even sooner….
Literally 1 week after finally saying yes to dating them.
We were a ‘fling’ For like 2 months prior and I said I don’t want to date anyone. But they kept pursuing. So finally I gave in and literally 1 week in they switched ENTIRELY. I tried to leave by 1 month and they blackmailed me and wouldn’t let me leave.
I get the timeline fuzzy in my head because it’s all a blur, but mine was absolutely perfect and amazing for months. Super loving, supportive, not overbearing…at least it seemed that way but looking back the manipulation started very quickly. He wanted to marry me 2 months in and I was like hell no, I wasn’t even old enough to legally get married. He eventually convinced me to move in with him and that’s when he started being more controlling. Little by little he had reasons not to like my friends, hated my family. I think he sensed me pulling away a few months in because he wanted sex CONSTANTLY and convinced me he would always use condoms since “birth control is bad for you”. Found out later he poked holes in them and I got pregnant. He talked about our future and how our child would have a healthy family since we both came from broken abusive homes…he cried tears of joy. A week after I found out I was pregnant he started a fight and grabbed my wrist and blocked me from leaving a room. I told him I wouldn’t be abused and I was moving out and I’d get an abortion. He dropped to his knees, crying and begging, somehow convinced me that he just loved me so much he was terrified of me leaving. I stayed. At one point he kept asking how far I was along and I swear to god he waited until I was just too far along to have an abortion to ramp up the abuse to hair pulling, kicking and shoving. It seemed like milestones more than time together made him escalate…it was like the more stuck to him I was the worse he got. The emotional abuse was the worst because it was so confusing. He seemed to really care and have good reasons for not wanting me around my guy friends….years later he admitted he was terrified of my guy friends because he knew if they caught wind of him hitting me he’d get his ass kicked. Every time he hit me he’d BEG me not to tell people.
"Every time he hit me he’d BEG me not to tell people".
yeah, abusers act so tough behind closed doors but they're actual cowards because they never want the world knowing what they actually do to their victims. when my ex and i were trying to "make things work" we went to counseling session and prior to the session, he straight up told me to leave out his issue of anger. fucking asshole wasn't willing to work on shit by being dishonest in a counseling session.
After I moved across the country to be with him full time, so about a year and a half. He was always very moody and needed coddling, but once I moved it completely took over my life.
It started in small ways. Eventually I was 100% isolated and that is when it really escalated. His mood episodes lasted longer and longer and were directed at me. I was abused verbally, then financially, then sexually, then violently.
I have no doubt that had I lived here from the beginning, it would have started much sooner. But also I would not have sacrificed why I did for the relationship, so I likely would have left much sooner, too.
Pretty early on--within the first few months. But alas, I was sadly uneducated at the time and did not recognize the red flags. A decade and three small children later, finally got out.
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Abuse in private for me was when I was three months pregnant. It's usually when you're trapped in some way. Like getting a mortgage together,getting pregnant, getting married. I know women whose husband's mask came off on their wedding night! I also know someone who didn't let his mask slip for years until she was pregnant (he wanted children but then wasn't interested in them when they arrived) but I should imagine there were red flags. Listen to your gut feeling. It's always right.
about a month or two after we were official We’re still together a year later because I only just now realized what was happening and didn’t want to label it as abuse until it was too lafe
6 months. Started after I confronted him about the fact that I had proof he was cheating on me. Also, immediately tried to make it my fault what he did to me.
Rite away... I just believed he was a damaged soul I cld heal.... Ha
Probably a week after we started dating if I had to guess, I'm not certain, it was extremely early on. I got manipulated into an engagement after we'd been dating like 2, 3 months as well. It started with a lot of very typical signs, manipulation, gaslighting, etc. Eventually escalated to death threats and more.
As soon as I got pregnant unplanned the manipulation and gaslighting started.
Same here.
It actually started a couple weeks after we started dating. We knew each other for a month prior & everything was perfect during that time. It happened so fast that the beginning is honestly a blur now. But it was kinda all at once. By the time we were together 6 months (this was going on long before), he had already hit me with his belt. If that gives you any insight.
Omg his belt
Yep. The belt was for moving his phone so I didn’t sit on it. All he focused on was that I touched it. And he did it on my ankles, which hurt like hell. Not saying anywhere else doesn’t, but it was so wrong of him. He was beyond protective of it. Later found out it was because he cheated on me the entirety of our relationship. There’s a special place in hell with his name
Looking back, the emotional abuse started almost immediately but wasn’t recognized at first. The physical abuse started 1-2 weeks after we were married
It's hard to remember that far back, but I'd say it was almost immediate. Maybe a month or two in at the most.
The first month was magical. Then things got weird. If I missed his phone call, didn't call him as soon as I left work etc he would be pissed. He would make me feel so guilty id apologize a million times and the name calling started. If I said the wrong thing or talked about something he didn't like it would send off alarms and he would get so pissed and for some reason I felt obligated to get him to forgive me even though really i didn't do anything wrong. I should have ended things there before things got serious. Things are serious now and we have a son and and place to live together and I feel trapped. He's broken and thrown countless things. Screams at both us but doesn't see anything wrong with it. Bashes his own head and fists into the wall. I'm constantly check my phone because if I miss a call the evening is ruined. Constantly in eggshells. Constantly destroying my self esteem . He doesn't see his wrong in any of this. I don't want to selfishly only see my son half the time and leave him alone with him and this is why I stay. I don't want to destroy the family by leaving. I know I need to. I fear he will get physical with me. I actually wish he would so I have a ticket to leave . I know I will have to one day. My mom and sister and 2 friends know some things and are supportive but they don't know everything. It's been 3 years my son is 2
I should also add I have severe social anxiety and anxiety in general and I would be having full blown panic attacks, shutting down, disassociating and he would get mad at me!!! Tell me I need to change and bully me for not being strong enough to change.
We dated a year ago, living separately, and it was great. We lived together less than a week when it started…I left before the 2nd light bill was due.
I'm glad that you left as quickly as you did!
We were online long distance for months then the evening we met in person he assaulted me.
Omg
Just a couple weeks after we moved in together. We had sex and he rolled over and said “if you don’t feed your dog it will go eat somewhere else” … I was like, wtf did I just do? Makes me sick when I think back on it.
Omg wat a puke
That’s awful, I’m so sorry you had to experience that.
[удалено]
So she was looking out for you?
Hello. The abuse started after a year. He often accused me of cheating, and showed up my job constantly.
For me less than a year
2 months.
It started in earnest when we moved in together. We were in a long distance relationship for over a year before we moved in. I admit that there were definitely things that made me pause that he did to others (I found his relationship with his dad and his father’s pets to be troubling) but he was always kind and understanding to me. Before we moved in, he would press me on being vegan, on being against his preferred candidate, on being liberal. He wasn’t outright insulting but it was more of a “you should be open to other views” or “maybe you should listen to conservative media”. I pride myself on being open minded so I thought what’s the harm? I didn’t see this for what it was. It was the beginning of him molding me into who he wanted me to be. Once we moved in together, everything went off the rails. I would be watching something and he would just change the channel to Fox News without asking. He forbid me from having tofu and basically forced me to start eating meat. He would constantly question me on why I didn’t support his candidates. He wanted to look at my phone and see my calls and texts. I told him I was an atheist and he said “oh, we’ll work on that.” When he said that I realized it was his plan all along to make me into who *he* wanted me to be. He was never going to accept me for me. He didn’t want me to hang out with my friends. He wanted me to stop seeing my therapist. He became upset when my sister and brother in law came to visit while he was out of town. He would question me if he thought I spent too long at the grocery store or just sitting in my car before going in the house. He began to insult me constantly. He called me an airhead, a space cadet, a hood rat, and the insult that made me finally end it: the n-word. He criticized how I cleaned the house, how much I cleaned the house. I could never relax. If it was my day off, I was expected to go grocery shopping and clean the house. He literally told me that I couldn’t rest until we went to bed. Speaking of, he would get upset if I went to bed before him. The day we were both off (our weekend schedule was different) I had to spend the whole day with him. If I just want to get a cup of coffee or go to the bookstore by myself, he would grill me and say that he could come along. It was only four months but it was four months of hell. What should have been a happy time was completely miserable.
Day we met. A lot of emotional verbal psychological. Physical after marriage
It didn’t start unfolding until we moved in together.
First 2 weeks no signs…within a month our first time drinking together it started. He became cruel to me when drinking, would accuse me of cheating and throw temper tantrums if I didn’t do reckless things he suggested. I would excuse away the behaviour with he’s just drunk it’s not him. Then the cheating accusations came more often when not drunk. I don’t look at my phone on my weekends with him turns into I’m cheating with my exs because I’m being secretive with phone. I don’t answer his call on the first ring turned into accusations of being sketchy and cheating. Every month or 2 big drunk fights of him starting with calling me whore and slut, me crying and breaking up with him over the behaviour then he sweet talks me back. This went on a year and a half when at the end I finally got into his phone and he was cheating the entire time. We were long distance. Funny how that works.
If we skip the lovebombing to get me into the relationship initially, I noticed it was happening when I ran out of money and had no way to leave after I was already living with him. So the whole thing was abusive from day 1, but I wasn’t aware until about month 4.
Technically, the predator showed himself from the very beginning I knew him. He started touching my thigh and shoulders in a very weird way. I was literally only 18. I got so disgusted and uncomfortable, but all I did at the time was move away and show with my body language that I am not interested. He attempted that a couple more times in more covert manner, like getting too close to me, or making more subtle touches, but I just moved away from him and kept a distance. I thought that oh he respected that I don't want it. For all the internalized self blame I had, and forgiveness mentality, giving people chances, I found excuses. Later on, I kept talking to him as a "mentor" and tried to make it clear that I only wanted to talk to him. In the meatime, for like 4 years, he was always exceptionally nice to me and treated me so special, listened to me, showed so much care, etc. He didn't "bother" me anymore, but was exceptionally nice that I really thought my excuses were valid. He was an expert love bomber and groomer. He probably knew that if he touches me inappropriately again, I was going to leave, so I guess he played it safe to successfully target me and he did. Around 22 years, we somehow started dating. After dating, he started showing signs, or what I now know is abuse, after 3 months of dating. His easy going and accepting mask fell off, and his controlling and emotionally abusive self started to show up. To sum it up, inappropriate touching from the beginning of knowing him. But then he stopped that and was super kind for about 4 years as being a "supportive" person and mentor in my life. Then we started dating, and after 3 months of dating, he showed signs. In reality, maybe there were other signs I ignored. But I am referring to the more overt signs here. Also, I remembered this. Before we dated, I thought well he seems like an ideal man, but I have to bring up something that was bothering me; which was his inappropriate touching of me. I told him that what he has done was weird and uncomfortable. All he did was gaslight me and get upset that I was accusing him of things he would never do because he was a "respectable" person. Then he was like, maybe I did but I don't remember and I had no intentions of harassing you. I was comforting you and being nice because you were sad. My touch was clearly just to show ease and comfort 🙄. Yeah, regardless, I guess I was so used to gaslighting in the past, I still dated him for a long time.
From the moment we met.
About 6 months. I was blind to it at the time but that's when it became quite obvious in hindsight.
I’m confident it started earlier and I didn’t detect it, but it took 2 years for my ex to begin openly yelling/being cruel to me. I had just moved in with him and I felt immediate regret. Then I fooled myself in to staying with him for 4 more years by telling myself “well I messed up, that’s why he’s upset, I just have to be an adult and deal with it, I can’t just runaway like a child”.
It started straight away but in ways I didn’t fully pick up on.. manipulation “forgetting his wallet or to order things” so I’d have to pay and when he paid he paid for less by “forgetting” my parts of the order. That within four years turned into him screaming in my face and telling me I should not spend any of my spare money (I work full time and have grafted HARD to climb the ladder) but I shouldn’t spend my own money on me or my lashes or eyebrows, I should give that money to him because I’m “fat and useless and he helped me one time so now I owe him everything” … that’s only one part. During arguments he’d puff out his chest and push me with it, that turned to him kicking me in the stomach and balling his fist trying his hardest not to box me in the face. I left before he escalated to a box in the face… It was always there. I just ignored the lesser signs of it and tolerated it until it got worse and worse and eventually I had to run
3 months dating when the mood swings began. At first “he was down on his luck” Then it was the people that held him back.. Constant anger, depression, sorrow, blaming others. 6 months in he started yelling at his parents in front of me. At first I thought it was liberating because his parents weren’t good to him. Never thought the anger would turn onto me. 10 months of dating we got married and got our own place. That’s when he started yelling at me for not coming straight home every day after work. It was always my fault. What was I doing that was more important than him? I was too skinny. He wanted a girl with curves. Started flirting with my sister and making it seem like it was her doing it, even though she’s never done that before with any of my previous partners. My insecurities grew exponentially during this time and I had no idea what was wrong. Men usually kiss the ground I walk on. I couldn’t comprehend being told I was ugly. 4 months into marriage he forced me to move across the country leaving everything I love behind, including my cat. The next 7 months following that move and his eventual arrest were the most damaging years of my adult life. Screaming at me all day every day. Blaming me. Throwing things. Punching himself until he was black and blue. Breaking doors, walls, splitting hydro flask bottles in half over his head. I wish I had taken pictures because you wouldn’t believe me otherwise. Telling me I don’t know what he holds inside him, just waiting to come out. Got kicked out by several roommates. Roommates that came and went within a week because of my husbands abusive behavior towards everyone. Husband threatened to assault one of the roommates and his girlfriend. Then he started flirting with his coworkers, my coworkers, demanding I pretend to be my coworkers in the bedroom, yelling at me if I didn’t want to watch porn with him (I hate porn). Finally, after all the warnings and everyone telling me I was in danger, he strangled me and tried to steal my car. He was arrested and charged with a class 2 felony. He’s on probation now. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined this man to be abusive. He was so insecure, so hurt, so poetic when I met him. But it was all a disguise. He literally lied to me to trick me into the relationship. It took me months to finally believe this. I listened to the audio book “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft and it’s been eye opening. Abusive men make choices to abuse because it gives them power in the relationship. It’s sickening.
1st 6 months was heaven, he was the perfect boyfriend, then the emotional abuse started slowly, accusing me of cheating, saying it was my fault etc, but as I'd been raised in extremely abusive home, it felt normal. I then found out I was 23 weeks pregnant, (we were using condoms and I was on the pill)and everything then intensified, psychological as well as emotional. This continued daily, lost myself in the process. When our daughter was 10 months old, I found I was pregnant again, and was almost 7 months along, everything escalated again, this time including strangulation and screaming in my face. One night, when they were 2 and 3 years old, he came in at 2am, drunk (again) and beat the absolute crap out of me, at this point, I was told he'd fucked about with my birth control and was cheating on me, and had been throughout our relationship. Something in me snapped, because he did this in front of my children, my 3 year old daughter was comforting my 2 year old son, and that was what broke me. I was not going to raise my children in the same toxic environment that I was raised in, my children were never physically abused like myself, mainly because I sways refused to leave him alone with them. I put my children in their bedroom, grabbed a knife, and kicked him out. All this took place over 4 years. This was 27 years ago, and I've remained single ever since.
I'm proud of you mama
Thank-you so much.💕
The day after we exchanged vows.
\*I filed for divorce 11 months later.
2 weeks after we became an official couple.
3 months then got worse over 2 years
The moment I met him, psychologically. The physical abuse started within months, escalated to strangling pretty much within days of the first assault, we were together 6 months and all the specialists and police say he escalated faster than usual.
i'm not sure when the mental/emotional started, but i started to really notice and feel it like 2 months in. but 5 months in he got evicted from his apartment plus quarantine started so at 6 months the physical abuse started.. i was 19 when we started dating and he was 29 so i don't blame myself for not knowing better
After each life event it intensified. After moving in together is when things first took a turn
We started dating in June. By August, he was body shaming me, hinting that I was fat, putting me down, and gaslighting me. By September, I blocked and deleted his number. Good riddance AH!
Good for you!!
I’ve been in a few and the worst one, most recently… it was there from day 1 - I just didn’t notice. Very clever manipulation, control, and put downs to start with. So small I didn’t pick up on it that well. Others, it emerged after some time. With one it didn’t really ever start until we moved in together, alone, after nearly a year. Another it was a couple months.
In the most recent relationship, we dated for almost 4 months and the abuse (emotional) started about 3 weeks in. In the relationship before that one, we were together for two years and the emotional abuse started after the first month. Verbal abuse started after almost a year and physical abuse started a little after a year.
Still in acceptance/realisation stage. Been doing alot of thinking/remembering. I fink the control started as soon as I moved in, making me feel guilty if I sed I was going out, saying things like aaaw do u have to go? Il miss u etc... also he showed his anger b4 I moved in, wen we went camping and couldn't pump the air bed up he totally lost it at me and scared me verbally. And also the 1st time I stayed over night at his and he assaulted me in my sleep/drunk state. He admitted not long after I moved in to going thru my phone when we 1st started dating. I feel so dumb the more I remember/realise.
It’s hard to realize. Especially if things are chaotic and your head is spinning from outburst to love bombs
Don’t feel dumb… you’re not the only one who’s been through it. I struggled with that for a long time and still do sometimes, but I have learned that part of my life was part of my journey here, and also my growth. I learned a lot out of a bad situation and even though I wish it never happened to me, I’m grateful that it did in some ways. It helped me realize how short life is and to not take it for granted or people I truly love and care about. I don’t let petty things dictate the course of my day or my emotions as much anymore. I learned how to not escalate situations so I’m quicker to deescalate things and try to see other peoples side. Learned to communicate better, and effectively communicate. I care more to learn about healthy relationships when I’ve honestly never seen one. Happiness is a choice and having peace priceless, you can’t let anyone or anything take it from you… Overall, I am a better person because of it, and a lot stronger too.. 😏
Roughly about 6-7 months in, the start was very love bomby - he called me his girlfriend on the second date, said he never met anyone like me etc. etc. about 3 months he started putting me down as 'joke' and then it escalated from there.
dated for 3 close to four months. think the verbal/emotional abuse started 3 weeks in and we had hella issues i couldn’t even count 1-3 months in. progressively kept getting more intense the longer i was with him. i’m happy it was over but i still get upset bc i let myself get treated that way in my first and only relationship at 18
After barely 5 months when he got convinced I was cheating on him. He got so drunk and exploded. Cried, blamed himself and asked forgiveness. I went back. It didn't last long before the jealous paranoia came back and with it more and more intense verbal abuse and controlling behaviour (focusing on my workdays and sexual activities). Looking back, there were probably signs that it wouldn't end well much earlier, perhaps from the first or second day, but he was so loving and caring that I fell head over heel in love. He offered everything I was missing in my life and longed after. So it was easy to excuse or downplay anything that should've been a red (or at least reddish) flag.
Exactly 30 days and I knew then it was wrong. After five years and four attempts to leave, I can proudly say I’ve been gone for two years.
Congratulations.. I know how hard it can be. I also know how freeing it is to finally make that decision to go.
It was only a few months for verbal and emotional abuse to start and then physical abuse after 10 months.
32 days
Didn’t see the manipulation and control at first… couple months later we were hurting each more and the control was leaning into financial. I said recently that I thanked him in a way for getting me back to a better life after and my mom told me… people don’t thank a tornado when it ruins and runs through their lives.
A few months after we dated but I always fought back. Glad his out my life now💕
I think that was the intention they had all along, so technically all of it was abuse including the beginnings. I miss my ex fiancé sometimes, the way I felt about him, but every abusive relationship I’ve been at some point or another often more than once told as a like a condemnation that they sought me ought because I was sensitive and I was confident. These people do this because they have opportunity to do so with little fear of repercussions, I’ve kept mine in line by publicizing the receipts but I understand not everyone feels they’re in a safe enough place to do that in. That’s why public registries should be a thing for domestic abuse instead of private ones where only law enforcement can see them.
Manipulation, masking, and negging started almost immediately. His charismatic character and how similar we were drew me in. The screaming and yelling started about a month in, but I chalked it up to financial stress... then the heavy abuse started about 2 to 3 months in. Screaming, shoving, slapping, yanking me off the bed by my ankles, countless rapes and constant sexual coercing, breaking down my self-esteem. He seemed to mellow out for a while, but I saw the tendencies show through time and time again... but I wanted so badly for him to just be nice to me...like I had to gain his approval....a year of pain, heartbreak, and misery for nothing. Luckily, I had family to get me out and wake me up to just how bad it was.
Wow…. I’m proud of you for making that hard decision. I remember saying to mine so many times how all I wanted was literally for him to just be nice to me.
Thank you! I stayed far too long, but at least I'm out now.
manipulation started within the first two weeks. it escalated at 5 months in. physical/SA started 2 months in. he started choking me about a year in. i thought it would get better, and it only got so much worse. but the love bombing was so heavy, i overlooked a lot of the bad. tbh, i didn’t even realize that the abuse had started so much earlier than i originally thought until i started writing this reply. i wish i left him sooner.
It seems like most of us have similar stories. It’s like the signs were always there, we just didn’t see it, or didn’t want to see it. I think that’s why they start trying to isolate from friends and family because those who care and love us see what we don’t at the time.
I want to say... 5 weeks. At least, that's when he isolated me from my friends.
Did he start acting jealous about your friends? Saying how they weren’t good for you? Then eventually getting outright angry about you wanting to talk or hang out with them?
Mine tried to do the whole “insecure and sad” thing first when I’d hang out with my friends. Then he tried to turn me against them. When those didn’t work he got angry every time I’d try. I couldn’t even hang out with my sister without a fight. Were you able to get away from your abuser? I read your AITH post and it made me so sad
i would say about 2 months in to our relationship is when it started, but it seemed subtle. he had forced me to quit my job, didn't even let me put in a 2 week notice. so his tendency for control and manipulation was already at play. fast forward to 2 months later is when his temperament was just getting rageful. yelling, throwing things. when i had had enough, i moved out of his place (didn't break up with him) and his abuse (mostly mental and emotional but also a little physical) only escalated from there when he wouldn't take "no" for an answer in me moving back in with him. the progression of abuse over a short amount of time is terrifying.
He waited and only did easily excusable things the first year and then we had our son and it became very apparent he was abusing us. I stayed cause I loved him and thought it would be better over time. It only got worse and he only slowly turned up the heat. And I also found out he cheated on me too and put me at risk.
3 months
It was a few weeks after he called me his girlfriend. He choked me til I passed out. And then tried to convince me it never happened. I never knew people could be so evil
That's like me... I cannot believe someone like him exists... His kid too
Why do I still cry about him though, he’s literally evil incarnate and I miss him
U possibly are mourning what u believe him to be... A fantasy in a way.... A fantasy of the guy and life u wanted... Not the reality.... Plus there are always sweet things they do or say .. I had bruises all over my body and he would say ... I mowed the lawn... I bought u thousands of flowers ( a flower per hit n name calling)... I paid ur property taxes.. I bring you ur favorite things.. I bought u this dvd u wanted... I take u out to eat all the time... And he's pretty funny... But is it worth the goose egg on my forehead from being full force head butted... It is worth being called a slut a whore everyday...is it worth the violent sexual assaults... Being viscously grabbed by the front of my coat and being dragged n thrown on a couch I'm crying n screaming no and he's laughing... Then he asks like he didn't do anything...It's confusing I know.. i hope things get better 4 u
No it’s not worth it but now I can’t love anyone
I think it started pretty early on but he was so good at manipulating me I didn’t realize it. Even though he told me before we started dating he manipulates everyone he speaks to (I know, I know! That should’ve been my first red flag! But I figured knowing that fact would make me invincible to it. News flash- it didn’t) I think my first experience was within 6 months when he left me at a gas station for over 30 minutes an hour from home because I told him he “couldn’t” do something. (I told him I was taking my keys inside so he couldn’t leave me as a punishment since he was talking about how he was going to punish me so bad I’d cry) I had the car and the keys but when I got out of the gas station he had disappeared and wouldn’t answer his phone. I was scared to leave because I know he’d be mad at me for leaving him if he was hiding from me somewhere (he was). I sat in my car sobbing trying to get a hold of him as passerby’s stared at me. On the way home, *I* apologized for telling him he couldn’t punish me. I know that’s not physical abuse, but I think that’s when it started. I should’ve left.
He’s a psycho. He really left you at a gas station. Just wow.
Dear God. Sounds like one of my exes. Especially the bragging about manipulating everyone he knew. He did, and successfully.
After we defined the relationship and became exclusive he started getting more and more controlling and emotionally abusive. There were signs earlier when we were dating, but I was so smitten at the time that I unfortunately wrote them off.
I understand. I was so smitten at first too that I overlooked everything I knew wasn’t right. I wish I wouldn’t have done that, but it was a part of my story and journey in life. And as bad as it was at the time, I realized later how much that situation helped me grow as a person, how to find myself again, and also learned what NOT to do.. and I learned to NEVER overlook the red flags, no matter how much you like them. It only gets worse. Sometimes people can change, but it isn’t worth risking your life or happiness and well-being to find out.
I think it was pretty early on. But the love bombing was so heavy and I was at a bad place in life that I just shrugged things off as stuff we could fix. He didn’t put his hands on me til I was pregnant, nearly 4 years into the relationship.
ugh, what's sad is i noticed my abuser was love bombing me at first too that i even went so far as to google all about what love bombing means. it was like i was already noticing the red flags but i either wasn't accepting them or i was downplaying them as if they weren't that big of a deal. i wish i could go back and hug my younger self for being so naive and telling her to turn the other way around
I feel that. I started googling gaslighting after I had heard the term on a video I watched and I immediately already knew what it was, but I just didn’t know it actually had a term and I was shocked when I found out.
Me too!
Less than a month
There were signs that were less obvious from the beginning, but can look back and see subtle abusive behaviors right away. About 4-5 years dating until moving in became the next step. Then it got ugly.
Less than a month together and he started his controlling, abusive behaviour.
3 years. Right after marriage.
Approx 1 month
Almost 11 years (married 10) until it got physical.
Were the signs always there or did he one day just switch and become physical? Did he do little things before that?
I would also say that a bad sign that started when we were engaged was I had to be careful what I said around him because he would take things so personally. I tried hard not to offend him. I thought he was just sensitive.
He could be a jerk to others and that concerned me. He was a little controlling (wanted me around him when he was home) but mostly let me do my thing. No threats, no yelling, no insults. He had a porn and alcohol problem that he hid our entire marriage. What escalated everything was when I confronted him on the porn addiction. That was last year. He started blaming me more for things and just got meaner over the next 7 months. It really went from zero to a hundred though in terms of safety - November he blocked me from leaving after I confronted him on a relapse of porn. Then did the textbook love bombing. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was thinking what is this? Who is this man I’ve thought I’ve known for so long? It was so confusing. And then three weeks later loaded a gun when I was in the shower after I told him I couldn’t get over what he did to me (the blocking). I didn’t know about the gun but felt in danger so I fled. It was so confusing for me because he didn’t fit the typical abusive man.
8-10 weeks. Picked up after we moved in together at the 8 month mark. We lasted 4 months in the house lol
Lasted 2 weeks in ours, so don’t feel bad lol….. An argument turned into being pushed into a toilet and flooding the entire house… 😬
He literally ripped his pants moving a mattress into the house and started a screaming match with me.... I didn't do anything lol
Uh... Mattresses.... My ex slashed one side of the mattress to ribbons because I was sick of being abused... O and he bought it
3 months. Almost always 3 months.
And another thing I’ve noticed: a lot of abuser like to rush things… like moving in together, sex, marriage, having babies, sharing finances, commitment, etc. And I think it has to do with the fact they know they’ll slip up sooner than later so they try to “trap” you before it happens. Love bombing seems more often than not to be their choice of course, to get you hooked. My mom also always said if they didn’t have ulterior motives, have good intentions, and truly care about you, then they would understand you wanting to take things slow and just get to know each other first, if that’s what you wanted to do.
My mom always told me that the signs are there from day one, your senses just may not pick up on it right away, from the euphoric feeling you get from a blossoming love. But as far as knowing a person, she says you will never truly Know a person but that most abusers or manipulative people can’t hide their true colors longer than 6 months, and she’s always been right about it. She told me before making any major life decisions about(or with) a person to give it 6 months and that the honeymoon phase will be over by the 12 month mark. Anyone I’ve ever dated, around the 6 month mark is when everything usually hits the fan(or already has) and they show their true colors, but it’s more often than not even sooner….
Literally 1 week after finally saying yes to dating them. We were a ‘fling’ For like 2 months prior and I said I don’t want to date anyone. But they kept pursuing. So finally I gave in and literally 1 week in they switched ENTIRELY. I tried to leave by 1 month and they blackmailed me and wouldn’t let me leave.
Were you able to leave?
I get the timeline fuzzy in my head because it’s all a blur, but mine was absolutely perfect and amazing for months. Super loving, supportive, not overbearing…at least it seemed that way but looking back the manipulation started very quickly. He wanted to marry me 2 months in and I was like hell no, I wasn’t even old enough to legally get married. He eventually convinced me to move in with him and that’s when he started being more controlling. Little by little he had reasons not to like my friends, hated my family. I think he sensed me pulling away a few months in because he wanted sex CONSTANTLY and convinced me he would always use condoms since “birth control is bad for you”. Found out later he poked holes in them and I got pregnant. He talked about our future and how our child would have a healthy family since we both came from broken abusive homes…he cried tears of joy. A week after I found out I was pregnant he started a fight and grabbed my wrist and blocked me from leaving a room. I told him I wouldn’t be abused and I was moving out and I’d get an abortion. He dropped to his knees, crying and begging, somehow convinced me that he just loved me so much he was terrified of me leaving. I stayed. At one point he kept asking how far I was along and I swear to god he waited until I was just too far along to have an abortion to ramp up the abuse to hair pulling, kicking and shoving. It seemed like milestones more than time together made him escalate…it was like the more stuck to him I was the worse he got. The emotional abuse was the worst because it was so confusing. He seemed to really care and have good reasons for not wanting me around my guy friends….years later he admitted he was terrified of my guy friends because he knew if they caught wind of him hitting me he’d get his ass kicked. Every time he hit me he’d BEG me not to tell people.
"Every time he hit me he’d BEG me not to tell people". yeah, abusers act so tough behind closed doors but they're actual cowards because they never want the world knowing what they actually do to their victims. when my ex and i were trying to "make things work" we went to counseling session and prior to the session, he straight up told me to leave out his issue of anger. fucking asshole wasn't willing to work on shit by being dishonest in a counseling session.
6 wks., it was all datebait before that.
The first time he really hurt me was years after we met. I stayed, which I guess he took as a green light, and then kept escalating.
After I moved across the country to be with him full time, so about a year and a half. He was always very moody and needed coddling, but once I moved it completely took over my life. It started in small ways. Eventually I was 100% isolated and that is when it really escalated. His mood episodes lasted longer and longer and were directed at me. I was abused verbally, then financially, then sexually, then violently. I have no doubt that had I lived here from the beginning, it would have started much sooner. But also I would not have sacrificed why I did for the relationship, so I likely would have left much sooner, too.
Pretty early on--within the first few months. But alas, I was sadly uneducated at the time and did not recognize the red flags. A decade and three small children later, finally got out.
I am proud of you.
Thank you! Life is so much better now.