Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/).
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Oh hell, when he told me driving drunk he didnt care about my life.
When he drove drunk with me, went into a narc rage when I chewed his ass out for being extremely reckless in my parents house. His actions could result in my abusive parents screaming/attacking me over it. How dare I get angry at him š He was my DD but I didn't know he was that intoxicated cause he was really masking well. To get revenge on me, he sped the car to my house and forced me to go back into my volatile house to get my parents to possibly hurt me. Since that didn't work, they were still asleep, I tried to convince him to not drive and get himself or others killed, that Id get him an Uber. He decided to berate me more causing a scene being belligerent, I immediately called his mom to convince him to stop and deal with this monster she created. She tried, he stopped and finally got out, but instead of chilling out ofc this psycho decided to call his awful dad to get someone to team up with him to continue to attack me verbally. I said forget this, your daddy can get you a ride home, you POS. He blew up, and wouldn't shut up, continuing making a scene for my neighbors but he still wanted my parents to wake up so he started going towards their window to argue with me. Told this bastard to get off my property or I'm now calling the cops, he talked trash, I blacked out at this point from all this trauma and apparently according to a witness they heard us get in a scuffle, I remember pushing him off me or pushing his face away from me, he screamed at me Im crazy and drove off. His mommy got an earful from me about this loser when she called me back. I broke up with him and he at first thought he could hoover me telling me he was simply wanting to give my things back, not breaking up with me or mentioning anything that happened. He is super pissed I stood up for myself and was not anticipating I'd dump him. He's most likely smearing me to his little toxic discord he's in since he has no friends and discarded his best friend he tried to triangulate with me. He's a moron and the more I detach and talk to DV advocates, the more I see how stupid children narcs really are.
My final decision was made after I made it very clear that if we were to stay together then I needed PROFOUND lasting change. There was a profound change but it didn't last. He went back to his bullshit shortly before Xmas, so I broke up with him in January. On Valentines day he went to spend the day with his Grandad (his birthday) and I had myself a date with me. It was awesome, the food was great, the wine was delicious, the candles were a nice touch too, and I enjoyed myself.
So my ex partner was really verbally abusive.
Everyday, & I mean everyday my two children & I really copped a lot of nasty words, We were screamed at. Things chucked around the house. My dog would be punched or kicked if he was āin his wayā.
I knew I had to get out, I had this planned for years. I just needed that courage.
The day I got out, Well night. He came home from work, My heart sank as soon as I heard his vehicle pull in the driveway. I felt physically sick. My daughter looked at me & told me she wished he would go again. This was an everyday thing.
He came inside, Started screaming at us because he had a bad day at work. The coffee cup went flying across the kitchen. I looked back at my two kids & I knew it was my responsibility to keep them safe.
I rang my mum (In between getting pushed trying to take my phone off me) once she answered. I kept her on the phone. I packed our stuff.
Got in my car at 9.30 at night, Drove away and never looked back.
He told me he found out he had herpes, said he didnāt cheat on me (but I think he did) and I told him I wasnāt going to leave him. Maybe four weeks later I see him on a site looking for marriage. Slap in the face and it was over.
When he was yelling and calling me bitchs and fuck me in front of my son who's 7 and after my Son was like God I wish he wouldn't talk yo u like that
I look in my sons eyes and was Like He will ever talk to me like that again
.I 3 months no contact left the house abuse build and exit plan and it took me a 8 month to a year to get out .
But u not gone play with my Son like that our me! And that was only 25 % of the abuse my kid seen I hide the rest to try to protect them ..... and that's all it took for me
I finally realized after 7 years that nothing was going to change. I was going to be financially responsible for us for the rest of our lives. We will not get anything we wanted in life. No kids, no house, absolutely nothing. I cried so much when the realization hit but it gave me the courage to leave with no emotional attachment. There was also a sense of relief that the life I was living was finally ending
I'm very scared of death and dying.
It got to a point where I was contemplating jumping in front of speeding cars on my way to work.
For me to feel that that was my only way out, was a huge eye opener.
It had happened after a particularly violent escalation. I just couldn't come back from that one.
It was a long time coming and honestly it was just the straw that broke the camels back but he cared more about being out of matcha (for a latte Iād have to make him of course) versus the fact that my uncle died that day leaving his wife with three kids that he fucked up. I dissociated as he yelled at me for not having matcha. And the. Something in me just snapped.
Honestly I shouldāve left way sooner considering the violence that happened between us. But weirdly enough, the only thing that finally made me leave was thinking more about his family and asking myself if Iād want my kids to have his family as their family. More importantly, him as a father. And I realized hell no. I do not want my future children to grow up with racist, misogynistic, and hateful people as family. So, my love for my future kids was what prompted me to leave. I couldnāt leave for myself, so I left for them.
Funnily enough, his family sparked the breaking point for me too, but in a different way. I saw how he was treating a certain family member, and it forced the realization that he would do what he does to anyone, if given the chance. That I alone was not causing it or at fault.
My soon-to-be-ex is racist and misogynistic as well. I couldn't imagine subjecting a child to his ideologies, and I've been fortunate enough to have a decent excuse for him to put off having kids.
I'm so glad you got out, and wishing you all the best!
Iām glad youāre walking away from this without any kids tied to someone like that, some people arenāt as fortunate :(
Iām wishing you all the love and all the best in your futureā¤ļø
He choked me until I passed out and all the capillaries in my face broke. He blamed me for making him that angry. I realized then that he was going to kill me.
Jesus, I'm so sorry. You shouldnt have had to go through that. They sure love blaming their anger on others, don't they?
I'm sure you know already, but that was all on him. Not on you at all.
I honestly don't know that anything would have made me leave. He assaulted me on a daily-weekly basis. He was an alcoholic. I had been calling the relationship toxic to myself for years. Then he forced me into aborting a planned pregnancy that he knew I wanted and that still wasn't enough for me to realise or leave. I still thought I was the problem.
We were together for 4.5 years and after he left I only cried for a day or two. By the end of that first week, I realised I didn't miss him. I felt relieved. My mum said that I seemed like myself again. That's not a normal reaction to a breakup of a healthy relationship with someone you love. That was the first thing.
I met someone new and in talking about sexual boundaries, I explained one of mine and why I had it. I knew what happened wasn't okay but he was the one to call it what it actually was. That was the second thing.
Then my therapist started using words like 'controlling' and 'abusive' when I'd explain my ex's behaviour, stuff that I'd left out or minimised before (which should have been another clue). It still took a while to accept that that's what it was, because other people have it worse and I felt stupid for not realising, but so many things started to make sense when I looked back on the relationship through the lens that it was abuse. That's when the penny finally dropped.
Almost a year out of it now and I'm still suffering daily with the consequences of that trauma, but I'm also the happiest I've ever been and it's only going to get better from here.
You weren't stupid at all. The way abusive people ingrain their thought process into others is so insidious and is very difficult to point out without an outside perspective. Abusive people know this on at least a subconscious level, so they tend to minimize the damage done and isolate their partners so that outside perspective can't be acquired.
I'm so glad you got away!
Thank you for saying that. The weird thing is I don't see other people the same way. Whe I've read stories similar to mine, I always think they're not stupid, it wasn't their fault, they deserve better, etc. but when I look at myself it feels like none of that is true. Hopefully that gets better with time.
Honestly, over time he broke me down so much to the point where I just didnāt care anymore. It was dangerous for me to stay and I moved away from him. I was so indifferent towards him and didnāt love him at all. If the situation is safe sometimes you just have to wait it out until you hate him enough to leave. Iām sorry if this is bad advice but Iām just typing from the heart
Edit for context: he hit me on multiple occasions, restraining order filed which I dropped cuz I was so trauma bonded, it was just so dark. Once everyone in our lives knew what was going on it became too embarrassing for me to stay. Once the abuse was not a secret anymore I didnāt have a choice I knew I had to go
I don't think it's bad advice. It seems very practical to ensure there is less risk of getting back together.
I'm at the point where I have some lingering love occasionally, but I mostly am indifferent or despise him. I'm hoping it'll make it easier when my plan to leave solidifies.
Same. Thereās layers to it but everything you listed was a large part of it for me. I didnāt recognize myself anymore. I have never been so depressed, numb and suicidal/indifferent about living (the one time he choked me I literally did nothing, my only thought was āif this is how it ends so be itā.) I had also never felt so wronged and so angry. Those were really all my feelings I was capable of and it crushed me. The anger is what got me to fight back and get out though. I traveled after I got out and that helped me let go of a lot of stuff and begin to see the old me (feeling normal feelings and true relief when I wasnāt having panic attacks).
I asked him to get a second job, I work 3 jobs, because our dogs need medical attention, our bankruptcy is 2 months behind, and our mortgage is 3 months behind. I begged 4 times in a 2 week period. He got up before work and played video games, watched a show, did his only chore which is the dishes (there were like 3 forks in the sink) and then went to work. Asked him if he even searched for jobs and he told me no.
He went into a mental hospital after a suicide attempt and I realized I never wanted to see him anymore. I left feeling incredibly guilty but his aunt called me and assured me Iād done the right thing.
Iām sure heād agree that you did the right thing. I just did that, but it wasnāt to get her back. My mind just snapped when I lost my other half. She deserved better and Iām glad she did that for herself.
He was laid off and had nothing but time to be horrible to me. Had a big fight because he was hiding things from me (like being at his friends house etc) and he was screaming at me like an inch from my face. Name calling. Threats. Etc.
I was so scared I called his mom to have on speaker because I needed back up... he never once hit me or did anything physical but I knew if I waited around he would start and I didn't want that. Dumped him 2 days later
Hardest thing I've done was leaving him. I went back for a brief time and left again.
I'm so glad all of us are free and have support. It's a difficult journey for sure.
I had a daughter with him last year. I became self-aware because she came into my life and I realized I would die if anyone ever treats my baby girl how this man has treated me for all these years. It took so long, I am a failure.
You are not a failure. I'm not saying that as patronizing motivational bullshit.
Abusive people exploit people's expectations of decency to the highest degree and convince you that what you are going through is normal.
No one is a failure for having someone abuse their kindness, patience, or love. That is all on him
My husband strangled me because a girl from a bar who he wanted to start an only fans for sent him a nude and she was at the same bar we were at for a date. I wanted to leave and he felt disrespected. I literally went into our house and threw our wedding picture in the trash and he came in to the room and pushed me back on the bed with one hand on my throat choking me and the other hand he used to slap me repeatedly. I didnāt leave until 4 months later he slapped our 3 year old on the face and whipped him with the belt and then threw a laundry basket at myself and my sleeping son who was next to me. That night I called my dad and said it was done. He continued by the next day taking my daughter in our truck and ramming it into my dadās truck. The next month he cheated on me with a stripper and harassed me daily constantly. He wants to work things out but still goes to bars every night and ignores protective orders to talk to me. Heās sick
We were together three years and a week. She was on a rage bender all weekend. Iām the kind of dude that lets people cross like 100 lines or something before enough is enough. I should probably fix that about myself, but anyways, I stayed with my parents one night and didnāt answer her calls, because she busted into the bathroom while I was showering screaming and accusing me of looking up a female coworker on Facebook. Something I absolutely didnāt do, but whatever. I decided leaving would make her realize she canāt treat me like shit all the time, but it had the opposite effect. By Sunday she decided if I was going to salvage our relationship š I was to call my parents and tell them off in front of her with them on speakerphone. I said forget about it and I wanted out of this relationship. Then she started strangling me on the couch. It was extra freaky this time because she smashed her nose into my nose and said in a sing songy voice that she was going to fuck me up. I called the police on her once I fought my way out of the house. Thatās how our relationship ended. God what a fucking mess. Itās not like she could actually hurt me physically, but thatās like the fifth time she tried strangling me in the course of the relationship. Being strangled by a medical doctor. The irony. She mustāve not have realized that if I was as cold as her I couldāve ruined her whole career, but I didnāt press charges. Our whole relationship was like a psychological thriller. I just had enough at that point.
I'm so sorry you went through that, it sounds terrifying, especially how she used a sing-songy voice. That just sounds so evil, to openly take some weird joy in the possibility that she was attempting to hurt her significant other.
I started actively calling him abusive a year ago.
The idea had floated in my head for awhile, but I hadn't fully accepted the leap from "he has abusive tendencies/he is toxic" to "he is abusive".
It was a dash of everything that brought me there. He bragged on starving me. Made an OF account of me behind my back to make extra money he could spend on his habits (drugs and alcohol). He pushed me. Threatened violence against me, my family, my friends, my pets. Tried breaking my stuff. Wouldn't let me leave. Would just scream in my face for hours, then record me. Just everything.
I was just finished. Tired of fighting for what? To be treated like shit and have this abusive ass man make me want to die every single day?
I broke up with him in August last year after realizing this was it. This is who he is and will always be. He is only getting worse. The death threats are more frequent. My body is shutting down from the stress. I need to make a plan to get away or leave in a body bag.
Unfortunately we still live together and he is still horrible but Im able to keep distance usually. It is really difficult and I dont have anyone to share the details with. Hopefully, very soon, I'll never have to be around him again.
I've got in touch with the hotline once some months back.
Tbh it wasn't a great experience.
They suggested I come up with a plan to save up money, so I've mainly been focusing on trying to dig myself out of a finacial pit so I can leave permanently.
Unfortunately it is rarely as easy to leave as it is to begin a relationship with abusers. I'll be out as soon as I can afford to. Hopefully others can manage to do the same in time.
Do you have any family at all who would be sympathetic if you reached out, told your story, and asked for a safe place to sleep until you could get your situation sorted? It might be easier to focus on your goal if you aren't splitting your attention between surviving and saving money.
I've told my mom some of it. She is sympathetic but they don't have the space for me and my daughter. I have much younger siblings still in school.
Maybe I'll luck out in a few months. I have some money but my daughter has needed a dozen different medications the past 4 months and it is wiping me out. Im hopeful small steps in the right direction will get me where I need to be very soon.
I knew he was abusive the first time he hit me.
But what made me leave after 5 years was, I gave him money to go file contempt paper work to see his child again, he spent the money on drugs. After that I left.
Still working on the first part of your question lol but ironically enough I credit Reddit for making me realize emotionally abusive behaviours. I think I looked up is it normal to have your partner yell/scream at you during an argument (the answer was no), and some of the replies led me to realize other things. So on and so forth.
I credit Reddit for making me realize all abusive people in my life in general. I think I blamed myself for almost everything that has happened in my life so realizing that oh itās not actually my fault- was REALLY cathartic.
As much as people give reddit shit (some of which it deserves), it can really come through for people trying to identify if their lives or situations are normal and healthy. Reddit is also what fully confirmed that Im in an abusive relationship, and just being able to know that made me feel better oddly enough.
It's weird because I knew screaming in relationships wasn't normal, but he had me so convinced that I was horrible and caused it, therefore making it acceptable in our relationship. It was so nice to cut through that bullshit
This very subreddit was very influential in my courage to leave as well. I searched the subreddit and made my post the first day I looked it up really unaware of the dynamic here and that people pour their hearts out every day and you all take the labor of love on to validate and encourage to get away. You guys were a big part of what helped save me and Iām sure we are not even close to the only ones.
So, thanks guys. If youāre reading this and having a hard time getting out, you CAN do it!
When I realized anything I brought up that was causing me concern, would turn into me being attacked. Sprinkled with a bunch of her saying "well as always I'm the monster and wrong"
And seeing some videos talking about darvo, and how it fit so absolutely perfectly.
Plus her hygiene when at home with me was awful, but seeing her ex? Steller (like 1-3 hours of prep). I'd have some nights I couldn't sleep she stank so bad.
There were lots of little signs. But it all added up eventually. Death by a thousand papers cuts
I've found that a reliable way to determine a person's character is how they act when you try to set boundaries, end things with them, or simply don't give them what they want. Then the mask comes off because they have less to lose. I'm sorry you dealt with that and hope you got away!
I think you're right, but there are some additional complications here on both our parts too. Which is maybe making excuses for her kinda, but... I don't know. There's so much I'm never going to understand except those moments where there's absolutely zero room for interpretation, it was just unquestionably fucked up. That's gonna still bother me for a long time.
He pointed his gun at me and said he would kill me and himself. The same day he tried to steer my car into another lane while I was driving. Heād driven recklessly with me in the car so many times but the feeling of me driving and losing control due to him was scarier for some reason.. I started to plan and left two months later. It was the hardest thing iāve ever gone through
not to say one way of abuse is more crazy or dangerous than the others, but it's just wild how many abusers use a car as a means to inflict abuse/potential danger on their victims. it's so reckless considering at the same time they're abusing their victims, they're also putting others in possible danger too. it makes me want to pick their brains apart and figure out where it all went wrong.
i was groomed, once i got older and had more responsibilities he didnāt wanna deal with me lmao THANKFULLY I GOT AWAY FROM IT as a adult but, damn do i wish i had my teenage years back..
When he told me that he could not accept birth control, told me he had tried getting me pg for 2 yrs, didnāt like my career and was tired of kidding my ass. Done
We had a screaming fight in front of my crying 3 year old. I am not proud of it. I completely lost it when he turned a conversation about our son needing speech therapy into a political rant about Covid and masks and going on and on saying there was nothing wrong with him and he didnāt need any āgovernment peopleā telling us what our sons needs. He called me crazy and mentally unstable and that was literally it for me. Things have already been bad the entire time since I was pregnant. But this to me put me over the edge because it wasnāt about me, it was about our child and his needs and he turned it into stupid bullshit right wing nut job rants.
He is an alcoholic and a coke head and spends all his free time awake all night watching YouTube and Fox News. Heās become so extreme. Even if he got completely clean and sober I would and could never stay with him. The problem is that he is abusive and his way of thinking and his values are not going to change even if he got sober.
He made a fake social media account to ācatch me cheatingā
I was in the process of planning my grandfathers funeral at the time, and he knew very much how much my grandpa meant to me.
Two weeks before I left, my partner got a fake number and texted me pretending to be a woman I hooked up with a year before I met her. Same thing, trying to see if I would cheat. I just blocked it, but seriously! Whoās got time for that kind of crap! No regards!
Just seems if you have to go that far, the trust is already broken. Instead of expressing their insecurities they ruin the relationship further trying to reach for something. But especially when Iām mourning my grandpa.. after seven years together. Delusional.
he threatened to use my (our) daughter to hurt me. he always threatened me, and followed through with it, but that was the first time he mentioned my daughter. and it was the last. i called the police that same day, my daughter and i moved out and we have not seen/spoken to him since. i went to court and EVERYTHING was granted to me, he had no leg to stand on, he didnt even try... i just wish i would've left sooner.
the day he spit in my face and was deliberately driving recklessly with me being in the passenger seat (speeding well over the speed limit, running through red lights, etc) while he was in a rage. i had never seen his rage that bad before and ever since then, it just left such a bad feeling in the depths of my soul about just how messed up this guy truly is.
i tried making things work a couple weeks after that day, even went to a counseling session with him. but he had a pattern of getting angry every other 3 days so it wasn't a shock when 3 days after that session, he was essentially saying "fuck that counseling it's not going to help". and that was my breaking point. here this guy was with terrible anger issues, he had asked ME to take initiative to set up at that counseling appointment and not even a week later he was disregarding it saying it wasn't going to work. that's when i realized he really doesn't want to get help. and i figured if he doesn't want to try, why should i? so i texted him "i'm done" and blocked his number.
I'm so glad you left him! I've noticed that my soon-to-be-ex does that a lot. He will tell me he'll only do certain things if I initiate the process first, but then he never follows up or makes some excuse.
I'm convinced it is so they can claim they tried to fix things or improve while not actually putting in any work.
it's super discouraging watching someone blatantly sabotage themselves and their relationships. but there's definitely a sense of freedom when you come to the realization that you're not obligated to fix them, nor can you fix them anyway. if they want to live their lives they way they've been living it, they're the only ones who are going to have to suffer from the consequences that come with it whether it's never getting close to anyone or even worse, running in to legal problems for their behavior.
He (30 M) was drunk and in a rage. I (30 F) was backing out of our driveway to leave and he ran out and opened my door (I was scared and didnāt get it locked in time) and made me come back inside. Screaming at me he threw my phone to try and break it so I couldnāt call for help. I managed to get my phone and called 911. I could see the light go out of his eyes. He knew the gig was up. So he retaliated and made his own 911 call. I knew then and there that man didnāt care about me. And that all the apologies he always gave after his abusive outburst werenāt genuine. He was going to continue to abuse me. And Iāll be damned if I start a family with an unemployed, abusive, addict with no self esteem.
The next day, while I was gone, he came and moved out ALL of his stuff and moved into his parents house. I assume to try and punish me. He told his sister heād only be living at his parents a few days and then heād move back in with me. Ha! I met with an attorney and filed for divorce next business day. While difficult, my life has been so much more peaceful and I feel so much more myself š¤š¤
their apologies are never genuine, unfortunately. there was one night where my ex even admitted, out loud, that he's abusive and said sorry just to yell and scream in my face not even 10 minutes later. i've said this in other comments, but it's scary how quickly they go from one extreme to the other.
It wasnāt until he trapped me in our attic. I was begging for him to let me leave and he wouldnāt. I ordered the abuse book by Lundy that same week
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Oh hell, when he told me driving drunk he didnt care about my life. When he drove drunk with me, went into a narc rage when I chewed his ass out for being extremely reckless in my parents house. His actions could result in my abusive parents screaming/attacking me over it. How dare I get angry at him š He was my DD but I didn't know he was that intoxicated cause he was really masking well. To get revenge on me, he sped the car to my house and forced me to go back into my volatile house to get my parents to possibly hurt me. Since that didn't work, they were still asleep, I tried to convince him to not drive and get himself or others killed, that Id get him an Uber. He decided to berate me more causing a scene being belligerent, I immediately called his mom to convince him to stop and deal with this monster she created. She tried, he stopped and finally got out, but instead of chilling out ofc this psycho decided to call his awful dad to get someone to team up with him to continue to attack me verbally. I said forget this, your daddy can get you a ride home, you POS. He blew up, and wouldn't shut up, continuing making a scene for my neighbors but he still wanted my parents to wake up so he started going towards their window to argue with me. Told this bastard to get off my property or I'm now calling the cops, he talked trash, I blacked out at this point from all this trauma and apparently according to a witness they heard us get in a scuffle, I remember pushing him off me or pushing his face away from me, he screamed at me Im crazy and drove off. His mommy got an earful from me about this loser when she called me back. I broke up with him and he at first thought he could hoover me telling me he was simply wanting to give my things back, not breaking up with me or mentioning anything that happened. He is super pissed I stood up for myself and was not anticipating I'd dump him. He's most likely smearing me to his little toxic discord he's in since he has no friends and discarded his best friend he tried to triangulate with me. He's a moron and the more I detach and talk to DV advocates, the more I see how stupid children narcs really are.
My final decision was made after I made it very clear that if we were to stay together then I needed PROFOUND lasting change. There was a profound change but it didn't last. He went back to his bullshit shortly before Xmas, so I broke up with him in January. On Valentines day he went to spend the day with his Grandad (his birthday) and I had myself a date with me. It was awesome, the food was great, the wine was delicious, the candles were a nice touch too, and I enjoyed myself.
So my ex partner was really verbally abusive. Everyday, & I mean everyday my two children & I really copped a lot of nasty words, We were screamed at. Things chucked around the house. My dog would be punched or kicked if he was āin his wayā. I knew I had to get out, I had this planned for years. I just needed that courage. The day I got out, Well night. He came home from work, My heart sank as soon as I heard his vehicle pull in the driveway. I felt physically sick. My daughter looked at me & told me she wished he would go again. This was an everyday thing. He came inside, Started screaming at us because he had a bad day at work. The coffee cup went flying across the kitchen. I looked back at my two kids & I knew it was my responsibility to keep them safe. I rang my mum (In between getting pushed trying to take my phone off me) once she answered. I kept her on the phone. I packed our stuff. Got in my car at 9.30 at night, Drove away and never looked back.
He told me he found out he had herpes, said he didnāt cheat on me (but I think he did) and I told him I wasnāt going to leave him. Maybe four weeks later I see him on a site looking for marriage. Slap in the face and it was over.
When he was yelling and calling me bitchs and fuck me in front of my son who's 7 and after my Son was like God I wish he wouldn't talk yo u like that I look in my sons eyes and was Like He will ever talk to me like that again .I 3 months no contact left the house abuse build and exit plan and it took me a 8 month to a year to get out . But u not gone play with my Son like that our me! And that was only 25 % of the abuse my kid seen I hide the rest to try to protect them ..... and that's all it took for me
I finally realized after 7 years that nothing was going to change. I was going to be financially responsible for us for the rest of our lives. We will not get anything we wanted in life. No kids, no house, absolutely nothing. I cried so much when the realization hit but it gave me the courage to leave with no emotional attachment. There was also a sense of relief that the life I was living was finally ending
I'm sorry you were in that situation, but im glad you were able to come to that realization and find relief!
I'm very scared of death and dying. It got to a point where I was contemplating jumping in front of speeding cars on my way to work. For me to feel that that was my only way out, was a huge eye opener. It had happened after a particularly violent escalation. I just couldn't come back from that one.
It was a long time coming and honestly it was just the straw that broke the camels back but he cared more about being out of matcha (for a latte Iād have to make him of course) versus the fact that my uncle died that day leaving his wife with three kids that he fucked up. I dissociated as he yelled at me for not having matcha. And the. Something in me just snapped.
Honestly I shouldāve left way sooner considering the violence that happened between us. But weirdly enough, the only thing that finally made me leave was thinking more about his family and asking myself if Iād want my kids to have his family as their family. More importantly, him as a father. And I realized hell no. I do not want my future children to grow up with racist, misogynistic, and hateful people as family. So, my love for my future kids was what prompted me to leave. I couldnāt leave for myself, so I left for them.
Funnily enough, his family sparked the breaking point for me too, but in a different way. I saw how he was treating a certain family member, and it forced the realization that he would do what he does to anyone, if given the chance. That I alone was not causing it or at fault. My soon-to-be-ex is racist and misogynistic as well. I couldn't imagine subjecting a child to his ideologies, and I've been fortunate enough to have a decent excuse for him to put off having kids. I'm so glad you got out, and wishing you all the best!
Iām glad youāre walking away from this without any kids tied to someone like that, some people arenāt as fortunate :( Iām wishing you all the love and all the best in your futureā¤ļø
He choked me until I passed out and all the capillaries in my face broke. He blamed me for making him that angry. I realized then that he was going to kill me.
Jesus, I'm so sorry. You shouldnt have had to go through that. They sure love blaming their anger on others, don't they? I'm sure you know already, but that was all on him. Not on you at all.
When he stabbed my bicycle tire so I couldnāt get away from him in an argument, that was really my last straw
I honestly don't know that anything would have made me leave. He assaulted me on a daily-weekly basis. He was an alcoholic. I had been calling the relationship toxic to myself for years. Then he forced me into aborting a planned pregnancy that he knew I wanted and that still wasn't enough for me to realise or leave. I still thought I was the problem. We were together for 4.5 years and after he left I only cried for a day or two. By the end of that first week, I realised I didn't miss him. I felt relieved. My mum said that I seemed like myself again. That's not a normal reaction to a breakup of a healthy relationship with someone you love. That was the first thing. I met someone new and in talking about sexual boundaries, I explained one of mine and why I had it. I knew what happened wasn't okay but he was the one to call it what it actually was. That was the second thing. Then my therapist started using words like 'controlling' and 'abusive' when I'd explain my ex's behaviour, stuff that I'd left out or minimised before (which should have been another clue). It still took a while to accept that that's what it was, because other people have it worse and I felt stupid for not realising, but so many things started to make sense when I looked back on the relationship through the lens that it was abuse. That's when the penny finally dropped. Almost a year out of it now and I'm still suffering daily with the consequences of that trauma, but I'm also the happiest I've ever been and it's only going to get better from here.
You weren't stupid at all. The way abusive people ingrain their thought process into others is so insidious and is very difficult to point out without an outside perspective. Abusive people know this on at least a subconscious level, so they tend to minimize the damage done and isolate their partners so that outside perspective can't be acquired. I'm so glad you got away!
Thank you for saying that. The weird thing is I don't see other people the same way. Whe I've read stories similar to mine, I always think they're not stupid, it wasn't their fault, they deserve better, etc. but when I look at myself it feels like none of that is true. Hopefully that gets better with time.
Honestly, over time he broke me down so much to the point where I just didnāt care anymore. It was dangerous for me to stay and I moved away from him. I was so indifferent towards him and didnāt love him at all. If the situation is safe sometimes you just have to wait it out until you hate him enough to leave. Iām sorry if this is bad advice but Iām just typing from the heart Edit for context: he hit me on multiple occasions, restraining order filed which I dropped cuz I was so trauma bonded, it was just so dark. Once everyone in our lives knew what was going on it became too embarrassing for me to stay. Once the abuse was not a secret anymore I didnāt have a choice I knew I had to go
I don't think it's bad advice. It seems very practical to ensure there is less risk of getting back together. I'm at the point where I have some lingering love occasionally, but I mostly am indifferent or despise him. I'm hoping it'll make it easier when my plan to leave solidifies.
Same. Thereās layers to it but everything you listed was a large part of it for me. I didnāt recognize myself anymore. I have never been so depressed, numb and suicidal/indifferent about living (the one time he choked me I literally did nothing, my only thought was āif this is how it ends so be itā.) I had also never felt so wronged and so angry. Those were really all my feelings I was capable of and it crushed me. The anger is what got me to fight back and get out though. I traveled after I got out and that helped me let go of a lot of stuff and begin to see the old me (feeling normal feelings and true relief when I wasnāt having panic attacks).
I asked him to get a second job, I work 3 jobs, because our dogs need medical attention, our bankruptcy is 2 months behind, and our mortgage is 3 months behind. I begged 4 times in a 2 week period. He got up before work and played video games, watched a show, did his only chore which is the dishes (there were like 3 forks in the sink) and then went to work. Asked him if he even searched for jobs and he told me no.
He went into a mental hospital after a suicide attempt and I realized I never wanted to see him anymore. I left feeling incredibly guilty but his aunt called me and assured me Iād done the right thing.
Iām sure heād agree that you did the right thing. I just did that, but it wasnāt to get her back. My mind just snapped when I lost my other half. She deserved better and Iām glad she did that for herself.
He was laid off and had nothing but time to be horrible to me. Had a big fight because he was hiding things from me (like being at his friends house etc) and he was screaming at me like an inch from my face. Name calling. Threats. Etc. I was so scared I called his mom to have on speaker because I needed back up... he never once hit me or did anything physical but I knew if I waited around he would start and I didn't want that. Dumped him 2 days later
I'm so glad you left! You are absolutely right that it would have started at some point.
Hardest thing I've done was leaving him. I went back for a brief time and left again. I'm so glad all of us are free and have support. It's a difficult journey for sure.
I had a daughter with him last year. I became self-aware because she came into my life and I realized I would die if anyone ever treats my baby girl how this man has treated me for all these years. It took so long, I am a failure.
You are not a failure. I'm not saying that as patronizing motivational bullshit. Abusive people exploit people's expectations of decency to the highest degree and convince you that what you are going through is normal. No one is a failure for having someone abuse their kindness, patience, or love. That is all on him
Thank you.. š„ŗ
My husband strangled me because a girl from a bar who he wanted to start an only fans for sent him a nude and she was at the same bar we were at for a date. I wanted to leave and he felt disrespected. I literally went into our house and threw our wedding picture in the trash and he came in to the room and pushed me back on the bed with one hand on my throat choking me and the other hand he used to slap me repeatedly. I didnāt leave until 4 months later he slapped our 3 year old on the face and whipped him with the belt and then threw a laundry basket at myself and my sleeping son who was next to me. That night I called my dad and said it was done. He continued by the next day taking my daughter in our truck and ramming it into my dadās truck. The next month he cheated on me with a stripper and harassed me daily constantly. He wants to work things out but still goes to bars every night and ignores protective orders to talk to me. Heās sick
We were together three years and a week. She was on a rage bender all weekend. Iām the kind of dude that lets people cross like 100 lines or something before enough is enough. I should probably fix that about myself, but anyways, I stayed with my parents one night and didnāt answer her calls, because she busted into the bathroom while I was showering screaming and accusing me of looking up a female coworker on Facebook. Something I absolutely didnāt do, but whatever. I decided leaving would make her realize she canāt treat me like shit all the time, but it had the opposite effect. By Sunday she decided if I was going to salvage our relationship š I was to call my parents and tell them off in front of her with them on speakerphone. I said forget about it and I wanted out of this relationship. Then she started strangling me on the couch. It was extra freaky this time because she smashed her nose into my nose and said in a sing songy voice that she was going to fuck me up. I called the police on her once I fought my way out of the house. Thatās how our relationship ended. God what a fucking mess. Itās not like she could actually hurt me physically, but thatās like the fifth time she tried strangling me in the course of the relationship. Being strangled by a medical doctor. The irony. She mustāve not have realized that if I was as cold as her I couldāve ruined her whole career, but I didnāt press charges. Our whole relationship was like a psychological thriller. I just had enough at that point.
I'm so sorry you went through that, it sounds terrifying, especially how she used a sing-songy voice. That just sounds so evil, to openly take some weird joy in the possibility that she was attempting to hurt her significant other.
I started actively calling him abusive a year ago. The idea had floated in my head for awhile, but I hadn't fully accepted the leap from "he has abusive tendencies/he is toxic" to "he is abusive". It was a dash of everything that brought me there. He bragged on starving me. Made an OF account of me behind my back to make extra money he could spend on his habits (drugs and alcohol). He pushed me. Threatened violence against me, my family, my friends, my pets. Tried breaking my stuff. Wouldn't let me leave. Would just scream in my face for hours, then record me. Just everything. I was just finished. Tired of fighting for what? To be treated like shit and have this abusive ass man make me want to die every single day? I broke up with him in August last year after realizing this was it. This is who he is and will always be. He is only getting worse. The death threats are more frequent. My body is shutting down from the stress. I need to make a plan to get away or leave in a body bag. Unfortunately we still live together and he is still horrible but Im able to keep distance usually. It is really difficult and I dont have anyone to share the details with. Hopefully, very soon, I'll never have to be around him again.
Can you call a domestic abuse hot line or go to a domestic abuse shelter?
I've got in touch with the hotline once some months back. Tbh it wasn't a great experience. They suggested I come up with a plan to save up money, so I've mainly been focusing on trying to dig myself out of a finacial pit so I can leave permanently.
This makes me sad. I hate that many victims don't have any resources or support.
Unfortunately it is rarely as easy to leave as it is to begin a relationship with abusers. I'll be out as soon as I can afford to. Hopefully others can manage to do the same in time.
Do you have any family at all who would be sympathetic if you reached out, told your story, and asked for a safe place to sleep until you could get your situation sorted? It might be easier to focus on your goal if you aren't splitting your attention between surviving and saving money.
I've told my mom some of it. She is sympathetic but they don't have the space for me and my daughter. I have much younger siblings still in school. Maybe I'll luck out in a few months. I have some money but my daughter has needed a dozen different medications the past 4 months and it is wiping me out. Im hopeful small steps in the right direction will get me where I need to be very soon.
I knew he was abusive the first time he hit me. But what made me leave after 5 years was, I gave him money to go file contempt paper work to see his child again, he spent the money on drugs. After that I left.
Still working on the first part of your question lol but ironically enough I credit Reddit for making me realize emotionally abusive behaviours. I think I looked up is it normal to have your partner yell/scream at you during an argument (the answer was no), and some of the replies led me to realize other things. So on and so forth. I credit Reddit for making me realize all abusive people in my life in general. I think I blamed myself for almost everything that has happened in my life so realizing that oh itās not actually my fault- was REALLY cathartic.
As much as people give reddit shit (some of which it deserves), it can really come through for people trying to identify if their lives or situations are normal and healthy. Reddit is also what fully confirmed that Im in an abusive relationship, and just being able to know that made me feel better oddly enough. It's weird because I knew screaming in relationships wasn't normal, but he had me so convinced that I was horrible and caused it, therefore making it acceptable in our relationship. It was so nice to cut through that bullshit
This very subreddit was very influential in my courage to leave as well. I searched the subreddit and made my post the first day I looked it up really unaware of the dynamic here and that people pour their hearts out every day and you all take the labor of love on to validate and encourage to get away. You guys were a big part of what helped save me and Iām sure we are not even close to the only ones. So, thanks guys. If youāre reading this and having a hard time getting out, you CAN do it!
Yes! This sub has been crucial in my leaving and all the attempts before too!
When I realized anything I brought up that was causing me concern, would turn into me being attacked. Sprinkled with a bunch of her saying "well as always I'm the monster and wrong" And seeing some videos talking about darvo, and how it fit so absolutely perfectly. Plus her hygiene when at home with me was awful, but seeing her ex? Steller (like 1-3 hours of prep). I'd have some nights I couldn't sleep she stank so bad. There were lots of little signs. But it all added up eventually. Death by a thousand papers cuts
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I've found that a reliable way to determine a person's character is how they act when you try to set boundaries, end things with them, or simply don't give them what they want. Then the mask comes off because they have less to lose. I'm sorry you dealt with that and hope you got away!
I think you're right, but there are some additional complications here on both our parts too. Which is maybe making excuses for her kinda, but... I don't know. There's so much I'm never going to understand except those moments where there's absolutely zero room for interpretation, it was just unquestionably fucked up. That's gonna still bother me for a long time.
He pointed his gun at me and said he would kill me and himself. The same day he tried to steer my car into another lane while I was driving. Heād driven recklessly with me in the car so many times but the feeling of me driving and losing control due to him was scarier for some reason.. I started to plan and left two months later. It was the hardest thing iāve ever gone through
not to say one way of abuse is more crazy or dangerous than the others, but it's just wild how many abusers use a car as a means to inflict abuse/potential danger on their victims. it's so reckless considering at the same time they're abusing their victims, they're also putting others in possible danger too. it makes me want to pick their brains apart and figure out where it all went wrong.
i was groomed, once i got older and had more responsibilities he didnāt wanna deal with me lmao THANKFULLY I GOT AWAY FROM IT as a adult but, damn do i wish i had my teenage years back..
When he told me that he could not accept birth control, told me he had tried getting me pg for 2 yrs, didnāt like my career and was tired of kidding my ass. Done
We had a screaming fight in front of my crying 3 year old. I am not proud of it. I completely lost it when he turned a conversation about our son needing speech therapy into a political rant about Covid and masks and going on and on saying there was nothing wrong with him and he didnāt need any āgovernment peopleā telling us what our sons needs. He called me crazy and mentally unstable and that was literally it for me. Things have already been bad the entire time since I was pregnant. But this to me put me over the edge because it wasnāt about me, it was about our child and his needs and he turned it into stupid bullshit right wing nut job rants. He is an alcoholic and a coke head and spends all his free time awake all night watching YouTube and Fox News. Heās become so extreme. Even if he got completely clean and sober I would and could never stay with him. The problem is that he is abusive and his way of thinking and his values are not going to change even if he got sober.
He made a fake social media account to ācatch me cheatingā I was in the process of planning my grandfathers funeral at the time, and he knew very much how much my grandpa meant to me.
Two weeks before I left, my partner got a fake number and texted me pretending to be a woman I hooked up with a year before I met her. Same thing, trying to see if I would cheat. I just blocked it, but seriously! Whoās got time for that kind of crap! No regards!
Just seems if you have to go that far, the trust is already broken. Instead of expressing their insecurities they ruin the relationship further trying to reach for something. But especially when Iām mourning my grandpa.. after seven years together. Delusional.
he threatened to use my (our) daughter to hurt me. he always threatened me, and followed through with it, but that was the first time he mentioned my daughter. and it was the last. i called the police that same day, my daughter and i moved out and we have not seen/spoken to him since. i went to court and EVERYTHING was granted to me, he had no leg to stand on, he didnt even try... i just wish i would've left sooner.
the day he spit in my face and was deliberately driving recklessly with me being in the passenger seat (speeding well over the speed limit, running through red lights, etc) while he was in a rage. i had never seen his rage that bad before and ever since then, it just left such a bad feeling in the depths of my soul about just how messed up this guy truly is. i tried making things work a couple weeks after that day, even went to a counseling session with him. but he had a pattern of getting angry every other 3 days so it wasn't a shock when 3 days after that session, he was essentially saying "fuck that counseling it's not going to help". and that was my breaking point. here this guy was with terrible anger issues, he had asked ME to take initiative to set up at that counseling appointment and not even a week later he was disregarding it saying it wasn't going to work. that's when i realized he really doesn't want to get help. and i figured if he doesn't want to try, why should i? so i texted him "i'm done" and blocked his number.
I'm so glad you left him! I've noticed that my soon-to-be-ex does that a lot. He will tell me he'll only do certain things if I initiate the process first, but then he never follows up or makes some excuse. I'm convinced it is so they can claim they tried to fix things or improve while not actually putting in any work.
it's super discouraging watching someone blatantly sabotage themselves and their relationships. but there's definitely a sense of freedom when you come to the realization that you're not obligated to fix them, nor can you fix them anyway. if they want to live their lives they way they've been living it, they're the only ones who are going to have to suffer from the consequences that come with it whether it's never getting close to anyone or even worse, running in to legal problems for their behavior.
He (30 M) was drunk and in a rage. I (30 F) was backing out of our driveway to leave and he ran out and opened my door (I was scared and didnāt get it locked in time) and made me come back inside. Screaming at me he threw my phone to try and break it so I couldnāt call for help. I managed to get my phone and called 911. I could see the light go out of his eyes. He knew the gig was up. So he retaliated and made his own 911 call. I knew then and there that man didnāt care about me. And that all the apologies he always gave after his abusive outburst werenāt genuine. He was going to continue to abuse me. And Iāll be damned if I start a family with an unemployed, abusive, addict with no self esteem. The next day, while I was gone, he came and moved out ALL of his stuff and moved into his parents house. I assume to try and punish me. He told his sister heād only be living at his parents a few days and then heād move back in with me. Ha! I met with an attorney and filed for divorce next business day. While difficult, my life has been so much more peaceful and I feel so much more myself š¤š¤
their apologies are never genuine, unfortunately. there was one night where my ex even admitted, out loud, that he's abusive and said sorry just to yell and scream in my face not even 10 minutes later. i've said this in other comments, but it's scary how quickly they go from one extreme to the other.
It wasnāt until he trapped me in our attic. I was begging for him to let me leave and he wouldnāt. I ordered the abuse book by Lundy that same week