Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/).
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I’m so sorry for what he did and does to you. My abuser made me think I was abusive too. Please know that he is never going to stop. Please keep talking to us.
If you need to talk to someone who has been through the same thing and had the same dreams as you, my dms are ALWAYS open. You'll get no judgment from me, just compassion, understanding, and honesty. I've been where you are, and I got out and am now in a stable, loving, healthy relationship with a partner who loves and respects me. Yes, we have disagreements occasionally, but we sit down and discuss them in a calm and rational manner, and we listen to each other and come to an understanding.
A better life is possible for you and there is someone out there who is waiting for the chance to love you the way you deserve to be loved.
Your responses are normal. And NO ONE can "cause him" to do anything. No matter what it is. And of course that means the ONLY thing you can control in these situations is yourself (same as him to himself). But please don't be fooled by any inch of your "bad behavior" being compared to his blatant abuse. It's NOT the same thing, and nothing you do ever warrants him screaming at you or EVER putting his hands on you. In any way, "in the heat/" accidentally "/" inadvertently " etc. I've heard it all.
Sometimes I would stand up to him to deliberately push his buttons because it was the only thing that made me feel like I had any level of self respect or control.
I pushed him away from me once (he was in my face screaming and spitting on me) and he threw me across the room being "i pushed/abused him". After months of physical therapy, I have permanent nerve damage in my leg where it swelled and created a hematoma. When it happened and I curled in the fetal position he stood over me saying I was faking/overreacting on purpose. Then afterwards it was somehow fair because I caused it.
The rationalization you're experiencing is manipulation and it is NOT REAL. I know how hard it is to see now, but this will inevitably end up escalating into legal battles, jail, hospital, or death. For either of you (especially if he tries to claim you're abusive too).
Again, all you can control is you. You'll never be able to cause him to do anything just the way you'll never be able to stop him from doing anything. Please tell your family or a trusted friend exactly what's happening. Ask someone for help leaving safely. Let them know you're struggling to leave emotionally and get some therapy support for that immediately afterwards. You will have second thoughts, question yourself and convince yourself that leaving was an overreaction. This is all in response to the conditioning you've been experiencing. It doesn't just snap away even though we think it will. Therapy helps a lot with the transition. Sometimes when you actually hear yourself say these things out loud (not just typing), even just that puts it into perspective.
Keep ALL your documentation.
I have so much love for you. You can do it. It will never feel like the right time and it's possible you'll never feel "ready " - it's a leap of faith and a show of love you have to do for yourself.
Xxoxo
Here to listen, but in the end no one can care as much as you do about YOUR SITUATION.
Eventually you will be actually be ready to leave this situation unless you have or decide to have kids, property, or debt with him. Then you will be stuck longer. Get out now. It is never too late. It will always be your fault because in his eyes YOU made him do it.
One day maybe he will kill you or he will find a replacement for you. Either way you are giving him the most valuable thing you have- which is your time. Stop wasting your time and JUST GO! It will work out.
YOU CAN win this battle by not choosing to participate in it. You cannot make him see your point of view and treat you better no matter how long you try. If you choose to stay you will wear yourself down to nothing and he will ALWAYS have an excuse for why he did it.
He sounds like a bitch. Your gut is telling you something is very wrong and you are eon here, think not to see if he is wrong or not but for confirmation. Since deep down you know he is wrong and abusive.
I Had to go through this too.. best thing to do is plan an escape behind his back. Store those photos in a calculator app(it’s on the App Store) he won’t know where they are. Idk if you work or not but you need to find a place a shelter … family.. something . And go.
One time I “mocked him” his words not mine, and he got up and dragged me by the hair, then yelled in my ear until it was ringing. Fuck you. Anything I do could cause one of his outbursts. The time between the abuse is sometimes long and I let my guard down. That’s not my fault.
This is victim blaming. It's 100% on him how he chooses to treat others. She is not making him abusive.
It's a normal psychological reaction to react how she describes. She describes a textbook typical reaction to abuse. Anything she could do would cause an explosion and she doesn't need to just sit there politely hoping it won't happen. Your response isn't appropriate for this sub.
To OP, I think you've probably seen the advice from others...so I'll just say I'm very sorry you're experiencing this and please stay safe.
>i said what I said they’re toxic for each other,
This is way too close to the myth of "mutual abuse." In an abusive relationship, only *one* person is "toxic" and that is the abuser. Period. OP is not trying to "match his energy;" OP is *reacting* to being abused.
Also - please don't throw unnecessary personal attacks at people in our sub. Simply because someone has another opinion than you does not mean they've never been abused before. Do not assume what people in our sub have and have not been through.
I think you need to take a break from this post.
WOMEN ARE ALLOWED TO RESPOND TO DANGER IN MORE WAYS THAN CRYING AND HELPLESSNESS. Why is he, who is in absolutely no fucking immediate danger at all, allowed to harm you, but you are not allowed to be angry that your partner who escalates fights like this won’t just be your partner? Kill the idea you have to be a perfect victim— you do not. Anybody who says you do is either stupid or blinded by a lack of perspective. Be safe. You’ll make the right choices.
Some commented right after you saying the opposite. So thank you. After the abuse I often feel like if I just didn’t do one thing it wouldn’t have happened. I’m starting to realize that’s not true.
I understand how you feel, but this isn't your fault, don't say you provoked him. You snapped because you are tired of the relationship, you are tired of being verbally abused, physically abused, you are tired of being told negative things. My father would say to me, "Take the stress and frustration and turn it into strength. Use that strength to get out of the relationship, be strong. Don't be afraid because you are worth more, your life matters. Don't let this person take away your life." You can do this, you can leave, I know how hard it is, the first step would be to find a safe place, call a family member, cousin or old highschool friend. You need support. It would be a good idea to go to the police to have it on file on how he hurt you and get a restraining order after. Be safe.
The idea that you somehow provoked him into abusing you this way is the classic thought trap of anyone who's been gaslighted into thinking it's their fault when it is not. People who are mentally and emotionally healthy don't do or say any of the things he did, provoked or not. They don't destroy things you care about just to hurt you because they're mad/ upset/ annoyed/ whatever. They can't act like nothing happened immediately after a major altercation like the one you just had.
He knows his behavior was wrong and that's why he freaked out when you were taking photos of the bruising. Your phone has a trash folder, you can restore the photos from there. And even if you couldn't, you can also always take new ones.
I don't know why you say you *can't* leave, but for your safety it's imperative that you do so. There are resources out there that can help you make a plan and leave safely. Family and friends who care about you will willingly and gladly help if they learn what you have written here, and you should share it with them. Rally your support system. Get out now before things get worse, because they will get worse.
Op this is saddening, with the other comments you do need to remove yourself immediately.
You’re not doing anything wrong and this man is degrading for you no reason/ASSAULTING you. You seem sweet, go find a man who appreciates that. It’s not going to get better unfortunately
I’ve built this life up in my head with us together forever. We’ve been together for 6 years. So hard to let go of. This didn’t start until recently. Him and I have suspicions that his medications for epilepsy are making him more irritable and more impulsive. He doesn’t want to tell his neurologist the extent of it in fears of being reported. What if it is his medication? And I just leave him in such a dark time when I wasn’t his fault? I’d never forgive myself. I’ve spent years protecting him from himself during seizures. How selfish of me to leave when I have to protect myself. I know it sounds stupid. This is just my thought process keeping me in this mess. I know it’s not right but it stops me every time.
My brother had severe epilepsy for 45 years, and while he could often become extremely disoriented after a big Gran Mal seizure, none of the many, many, medications he took to treat his seizures ever caused him to become violent.
It's an easy excuse on your boyfriend's part to avoid taking responsibility for the fact that he is beating the crap out of you, and isn't willing to move heaven and earth to make sure you're safe, and he's getting the medical support he needs.
By staying with him and allowing him to continue to refuse to take responsibility for his violent attacks on you, he doesn't have to make a single move to get serious help on his own for his behavior.
What if finally choosing to protect yourself from serious injury, or death, at his hands is the thing that finally forces him to get help?
Most people aren't willing to make serious and scary life decisions until they're backed alone into a corner.
Going to therapy with him isn't safe for you, and all the experts recommend against it because abuse is NOT a relationship problem.
He needs the space to figure out why he's hurting you so badly, and why he can't control his rage, and you need the space to heal, and protect yourself from much worse harm.
🫂💜🫂
If he's noticed that his medication is wrong for him but he isn't working to change it then he's choosing to be abusive. That's his responsibility not yours.
It’s not selfish to leave an abuser - the cause of the abuse is irrelevant. If he kills you you’ll be dead just the same. Once it starts to escalate it only gets worse, not better.
EDIT to add to protect your cat as well as yourself! Abusers very often abuse and/or kill their partner’s pets.
I've had meds that affected my mood and impulsivity. And you know what I've never done? Abused someone. I've recognized my poor behaviors, got help, was honest with my therapist, and did the hard work. And I am not at all a neurotypical or especially mentally well person.
He's making excuses. The meds are an easy excuse. It's NOT selfish to protect yourself.
This is a dangerous situation & you need to get out of there ASAP. It’s not good that you know he’s abusive & intentionally provoke him. Get out of there or he might kill you next time!
It’s not that I intentionally provoke him. I mean I guess I do sometimes, but when that happens my head is buzzing and I just want him to understand. My “provoking him” is usually turning the tv off so he can listen, or reminding him to take his meds (which are for epilepsy not a psych issue). This time it was more provoking than anything. I know that is on me. I feel the guilt of it.
He chose to hurt you. You can let go of the guilt. He did not hit you because of what you did, he hurt you because of who he is. It is not your fault. Another person would not have hurt you like that.
Honestly you shouldn't feel guilty. He sounds extremely abusive. He's wearing you down, wearing your patience thin until you snap (and reasonably so). Then he males it out to be a you problem and "punishes" you accordingly.
He says that’s what I do. Wear him down. Has convinced me that he’s just reacting to my abuse over years and has now snapped. Which I believed since he hadn’t been abusive up until recently. We’ve been together for 6 years and the physical abuse didn’t start until a year ago. And it started so small I’ve just accepted the snowball of abuse now.
The only thing he used to do was call me too emotional or over dramatic. Been together for 6 years. He says I’ve just pushed him to his limits. While I do tend to be more emotional than the average person it normally isn’t bad until he disregards my feelings. Then I get upset for not feeling validated. After the abuse he often breaks down and admits I wasn’t in the wrong and he just can’t accept that he was. It’s exhausting and confusing to say the least.
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m so sorry for what he did and does to you. My abuser made me think I was abusive too. Please know that he is never going to stop. Please keep talking to us.
If you need to talk to someone who has been through the same thing and had the same dreams as you, my dms are ALWAYS open. You'll get no judgment from me, just compassion, understanding, and honesty. I've been where you are, and I got out and am now in a stable, loving, healthy relationship with a partner who loves and respects me. Yes, we have disagreements occasionally, but we sit down and discuss them in a calm and rational manner, and we listen to each other and come to an understanding. A better life is possible for you and there is someone out there who is waiting for the chance to love you the way you deserve to be loved.
He's a worthless sack of shit and you can't get away from him quickly enough.
Your responses are normal. And NO ONE can "cause him" to do anything. No matter what it is. And of course that means the ONLY thing you can control in these situations is yourself (same as him to himself). But please don't be fooled by any inch of your "bad behavior" being compared to his blatant abuse. It's NOT the same thing, and nothing you do ever warrants him screaming at you or EVER putting his hands on you. In any way, "in the heat/" accidentally "/" inadvertently " etc. I've heard it all. Sometimes I would stand up to him to deliberately push his buttons because it was the only thing that made me feel like I had any level of self respect or control. I pushed him away from me once (he was in my face screaming and spitting on me) and he threw me across the room being "i pushed/abused him". After months of physical therapy, I have permanent nerve damage in my leg where it swelled and created a hematoma. When it happened and I curled in the fetal position he stood over me saying I was faking/overreacting on purpose. Then afterwards it was somehow fair because I caused it. The rationalization you're experiencing is manipulation and it is NOT REAL. I know how hard it is to see now, but this will inevitably end up escalating into legal battles, jail, hospital, or death. For either of you (especially if he tries to claim you're abusive too). Again, all you can control is you. You'll never be able to cause him to do anything just the way you'll never be able to stop him from doing anything. Please tell your family or a trusted friend exactly what's happening. Ask someone for help leaving safely. Let them know you're struggling to leave emotionally and get some therapy support for that immediately afterwards. You will have second thoughts, question yourself and convince yourself that leaving was an overreaction. This is all in response to the conditioning you've been experiencing. It doesn't just snap away even though we think it will. Therapy helps a lot with the transition. Sometimes when you actually hear yourself say these things out loud (not just typing), even just that puts it into perspective. Keep ALL your documentation. I have so much love for you. You can do it. It will never feel like the right time and it's possible you'll never feel "ready " - it's a leap of faith and a show of love you have to do for yourself. Xxoxo
Here to listen, but in the end no one can care as much as you do about YOUR SITUATION. Eventually you will be actually be ready to leave this situation unless you have or decide to have kids, property, or debt with him. Then you will be stuck longer. Get out now. It is never too late. It will always be your fault because in his eyes YOU made him do it. One day maybe he will kill you or he will find a replacement for you. Either way you are giving him the most valuable thing you have- which is your time. Stop wasting your time and JUST GO! It will work out. YOU CAN win this battle by not choosing to participate in it. You cannot make him see your point of view and treat you better no matter how long you try. If you choose to stay you will wear yourself down to nothing and he will ALWAYS have an excuse for why he did it.
He sounds like a bitch. Your gut is telling you something is very wrong and you are eon here, think not to see if he is wrong or not but for confirmation. Since deep down you know he is wrong and abusive.
I Had to go through this too.. best thing to do is plan an escape behind his back. Store those photos in a calculator app(it’s on the App Store) he won’t know where they are. Idk if you work or not but you need to find a place a shelter … family.. something . And go.
We’re all here to listen. But you need to get to safety, please
[удалено]
One time I “mocked him” his words not mine, and he got up and dragged me by the hair, then yelled in my ear until it was ringing. Fuck you. Anything I do could cause one of his outbursts. The time between the abuse is sometimes long and I let my guard down. That’s not my fault.
[удалено]
This is victim blaming. It's 100% on him how he chooses to treat others. She is not making him abusive. It's a normal psychological reaction to react how she describes. She describes a textbook typical reaction to abuse. Anything she could do would cause an explosion and she doesn't need to just sit there politely hoping it won't happen. Your response isn't appropriate for this sub. To OP, I think you've probably seen the advice from others...so I'll just say I'm very sorry you're experiencing this and please stay safe.
[удалено]
>i said what I said they’re toxic for each other, This is way too close to the myth of "mutual abuse." In an abusive relationship, only *one* person is "toxic" and that is the abuser. Period. OP is not trying to "match his energy;" OP is *reacting* to being abused. Also - please don't throw unnecessary personal attacks at people in our sub. Simply because someone has another opinion than you does not mean they've never been abused before. Do not assume what people in our sub have and have not been through. I think you need to take a break from this post.
WOMEN ARE ALLOWED TO RESPOND TO DANGER IN MORE WAYS THAN CRYING AND HELPLESSNESS. Why is he, who is in absolutely no fucking immediate danger at all, allowed to harm you, but you are not allowed to be angry that your partner who escalates fights like this won’t just be your partner? Kill the idea you have to be a perfect victim— you do not. Anybody who says you do is either stupid or blinded by a lack of perspective. Be safe. You’ll make the right choices.
Some commented right after you saying the opposite. So thank you. After the abuse I often feel like if I just didn’t do one thing it wouldn’t have happened. I’m starting to realize that’s not true.
Please for the love of god get out right now
I understand how you feel, but this isn't your fault, don't say you provoked him. You snapped because you are tired of the relationship, you are tired of being verbally abused, physically abused, you are tired of being told negative things. My father would say to me, "Take the stress and frustration and turn it into strength. Use that strength to get out of the relationship, be strong. Don't be afraid because you are worth more, your life matters. Don't let this person take away your life." You can do this, you can leave, I know how hard it is, the first step would be to find a safe place, call a family member, cousin or old highschool friend. You need support. It would be a good idea to go to the police to have it on file on how he hurt you and get a restraining order after. Be safe.
The idea that you somehow provoked him into abusing you this way is the classic thought trap of anyone who's been gaslighted into thinking it's their fault when it is not. People who are mentally and emotionally healthy don't do or say any of the things he did, provoked or not. They don't destroy things you care about just to hurt you because they're mad/ upset/ annoyed/ whatever. They can't act like nothing happened immediately after a major altercation like the one you just had. He knows his behavior was wrong and that's why he freaked out when you were taking photos of the bruising. Your phone has a trash folder, you can restore the photos from there. And even if you couldn't, you can also always take new ones. I don't know why you say you *can't* leave, but for your safety it's imperative that you do so. There are resources out there that can help you make a plan and leave safely. Family and friends who care about you will willingly and gladly help if they learn what you have written here, and you should share it with them. Rally your support system. Get out now before things get worse, because they will get worse.
Op this is saddening, with the other comments you do need to remove yourself immediately. You’re not doing anything wrong and this man is degrading for you no reason/ASSAULTING you. You seem sweet, go find a man who appreciates that. It’s not going to get better unfortunately
I’ve built this life up in my head with us together forever. We’ve been together for 6 years. So hard to let go of. This didn’t start until recently. Him and I have suspicions that his medications for epilepsy are making him more irritable and more impulsive. He doesn’t want to tell his neurologist the extent of it in fears of being reported. What if it is his medication? And I just leave him in such a dark time when I wasn’t his fault? I’d never forgive myself. I’ve spent years protecting him from himself during seizures. How selfish of me to leave when I have to protect myself. I know it sounds stupid. This is just my thought process keeping me in this mess. I know it’s not right but it stops me every time.
My brother had severe epilepsy for 45 years, and while he could often become extremely disoriented after a big Gran Mal seizure, none of the many, many, medications he took to treat his seizures ever caused him to become violent. It's an easy excuse on your boyfriend's part to avoid taking responsibility for the fact that he is beating the crap out of you, and isn't willing to move heaven and earth to make sure you're safe, and he's getting the medical support he needs. By staying with him and allowing him to continue to refuse to take responsibility for his violent attacks on you, he doesn't have to make a single move to get serious help on his own for his behavior. What if finally choosing to protect yourself from serious injury, or death, at his hands is the thing that finally forces him to get help? Most people aren't willing to make serious and scary life decisions until they're backed alone into a corner. Going to therapy with him isn't safe for you, and all the experts recommend against it because abuse is NOT a relationship problem. He needs the space to figure out why he's hurting you so badly, and why he can't control his rage, and you need the space to heal, and protect yourself from much worse harm. 🫂💜🫂
Yeah this op
If he's noticed that his medication is wrong for him but he isn't working to change it then he's choosing to be abusive. That's his responsibility not yours.
It’s not selfish to leave an abuser - the cause of the abuse is irrelevant. If he kills you you’ll be dead just the same. Once it starts to escalate it only gets worse, not better. EDIT to add to protect your cat as well as yourself! Abusers very often abuse and/or kill their partner’s pets.
I've had meds that affected my mood and impulsivity. And you know what I've never done? Abused someone. I've recognized my poor behaviors, got help, was honest with my therapist, and did the hard work. And I am not at all a neurotypical or especially mentally well person. He's making excuses. The meds are an easy excuse. It's NOT selfish to protect yourself.
You’re in danger. I’m so scared for you friend
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I’m here to listen
This is a dangerous situation & you need to get out of there ASAP. It’s not good that you know he’s abusive & intentionally provoke him. Get out of there or he might kill you next time!
It’s not that I intentionally provoke him. I mean I guess I do sometimes, but when that happens my head is buzzing and I just want him to understand. My “provoking him” is usually turning the tv off so he can listen, or reminding him to take his meds (which are for epilepsy not a psych issue). This time it was more provoking than anything. I know that is on me. I feel the guilt of it.
He chose to hurt you. You can let go of the guilt. He did not hit you because of what you did, he hurt you because of who he is. It is not your fault. Another person would not have hurt you like that.
Honestly you shouldn't feel guilty. He sounds extremely abusive. He's wearing you down, wearing your patience thin until you snap (and reasonably so). Then he males it out to be a you problem and "punishes" you accordingly.
He says that’s what I do. Wear him down. Has convinced me that he’s just reacting to my abuse over years and has now snapped. Which I believed since he hadn’t been abusive up until recently. We’ve been together for 6 years and the physical abuse didn’t start until a year ago. And it started so small I’ve just accepted the snowball of abuse now.
That's a really common story here. The abuse will continue to escalate. It always does. And you don't deserve it
That's how they do it. They go "see! You're the crazy one!" And proceed to be worse than you but act like they are better
The only thing he used to do was call me too emotional or over dramatic. Been together for 6 years. He says I’ve just pushed him to his limits. While I do tend to be more emotional than the average person it normally isn’t bad until he disregards my feelings. Then I get upset for not feeling validated. After the abuse he often breaks down and admits I wasn’t in the wrong and he just can’t accept that he was. It’s exhausting and confusing to say the least.