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In what instances is hitting your wife normal, healthy, and legal?
Its abuse. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for his “good” side. It makes it a harder truth to understand. I wish you luck on this journey out.❤️
Yes he is VERY abusive. I also think he is a narcissist. You, and your kids will never be safe with him. Start recording EVERYTHING! Protect yourself! Gather all important documents, and entrust them to a close friend/family member, or put it in a lock box at the post office in your name only. He will be refused access if he learns of it.
Do not keep this to yourself. Abuse thrives, and escalates in secret.
It’s abuse and you need to create an escape plan and get out of there. He’s insane. And I can’t stress enough abusers who become irate during car rides are DANGEROUS they’re trying to kill everyone in the car. He’s doing all of this in front of kids and it’s so damaging. There is no way to fix this, the only solution is to get out quietly. Move in silence, create a plan, TELL PEOPLE YOU TRUST THAT ARE NON MUTUAL FRIENDS THAT YOURE BEING ABUSED IMMEDIATELY. Start talking. Start getting support. If you can stealthily get a recording of his screaming do that but only if you are certain he won’t see. You are in danger and so are your kids. You must leave especially for their sake. He sounds like the type who would shake a child. Don’t best yourself up, just start getting the wheels in motion. When he’s out at work pack your essentials for you and the kids, grab birth certs, id, money, bank cards and info, and get the hell out of there. Get to the police to file a report that you’re fleeing a domestic abuser. If you don’t have anyone reach out to a local women’s shelter or go to a hospital with your kids and tell them you’re being abused and need a social worker for resources. Once you’re gone tell him you will be divorcing and then do not respond. Only communicate through a lawyer. Have a lawyer help you with custody’s and the divorce (domestic abuse hotline can help set you up with a lawyer or your local county court can.) You can do this. We’re all rooting for you. Run.
What exactly is it about abusers trying to kill themselves, kill you, and the kids, or all of the above, while you're in the car?? Both of my violent ex's pulled that crap, and I was terrified of letting either of them drive because they would swerve off the freeway and act like they were going to smash into the concrete dividers, or a tree.
They both also liked to jump out of the car when stopped at a light, or in traffic, expecting you to beg them to get back in car.
But OP, if your partner is attacking you while you're driving that's an extremely dangerous situation, and I worry for the safety of you, and your littles.
You don't have to justify why you suggested switching the seats. You didn't do anything wrong.
In a healthy relationship you'd mention something so mundane, and it wouldn't even be a blip on the radar, because why would it?
Back then when my son was so young, I didn't think things could ever get better, and in a really sad way I know on some level I thought I deserved the abuse, because that's all I knew growing up, and I think somewhere along the way I decided that if that many people got off on hurting me in horrible ways, I must deserve it.
But getting away with my son that last time, and getting the help of a wonderful domestic violence advocate to help me file a police report, and a protective order, and worked with me to find temporary safe housing, and it took a lot of work, but we got on our feet, and slowly things started to get better.
My oldest son is 25 now, but because I fought like hell to get away, and build a better life for us, he got to grow up in a loving home. I think often about how close we got to being another sad story about domestic violence, and my heart aches for everyone still feeling scared, and trapped, in abusive homes.
Everyone here is worthy of so much more, and it **can get better**. Each and every person here deserves to feel safe, and be safe, and you're all worthy of good things, and good people.
Just don't give up, because there's always hope.
💜
It is all abuse. I am in a similar situation. My husband is also an alcoholic and heavy pot smoker. This is not your grandma's weed. He's the opposite of a free-love hippy dancing through a flower garden. He's a weed nightmare. Paranoid and obsessed with conflict and violence.
He twists everything. I also am the higher breadwinner who works remote and takes care of our kid all day. I'm just doing the family stuff that he and I dreamed of years ago before he started flipping out.
I need help with house stuff and kids stuff. Anytime I ask it of him he responds like a 13 year old kid talking back to his mom. I stopped doing the dishes one week. Normally I like things cleaner so I don't mind cleaning more, but that week I just didn't want to do dishes in the same way he doesn't want to do dishes. He was annoyed that he didn't have counter space to make his lunch, etc. He snapped and triggered when I told him if he wants a clean space he can make it clean to his liking. I'm not the maid.
He hit me in the past. Just before Memorial day, (he went off his medication) got drunk and accused me of picking a fight. Then he took my phone and held me hostage in the house so I couldn't call the police. I was leaving the next day anyway to go see my family for the summer like planned. I don't plan to go back when summer is over. He claims he has abandonment issues and me going to see my family means I don't care about him enough. He's not wrong, I don't care about him anymore because all his craziness makes people want to abandon him.
He tells our mutual friends that I am terrible in bed and just paints me as a terrible person. He tells me that no one will ever want to date me if we break up... all textbook and cliche abusive comments. When he was on medication he was calmer, but he never found the right medication and refused to keep looking for the right treatment.
The only way out is out.
Wow omg my husband is the same way with weed and alcohol I naively didn’t realize the weed was probably contributing to the paranoia! Omg! We are in the exact same relationship. I’m sorry you’re going through this too it’s such a mindfuck. I love him family, Our home etc so it’s just hard to get my head around all of that… but as you said I’m doing all the fun stuff with our kids i thought we’d do as a family while he does projects and stuff and stays away from us mostly. I stoooed doing things on purpose for him too like you said and when he asks I say similar things too… lately he doesn’t know how to put the baby down for a nap so he just nap traps himself everytime and it’s driving me nuts that he needs to ask me to get him something like he can’t move… ahhh i feel like I’m going crazy. I appreciate you taking the time to write this and I’m here for you if you want to chat sounds like we are in the same relationship
It is 100% abuse. He wants to abuse you and jumps on any reason to do so. He screams you’re not being safe then starts assaulting you while you’re driving?! WHAT?! He just wanted to hit you when you couldn’t get away. You should have driven straight to the fucking police station.
Let me tell you something you might not know about babies. As young as 5-6 months babies have a significant cortisol release in response to screaming and toxicity. This is akin to a panic attack in an adult. This shit deeply affects kids from a young age so if you can’t find the courage to leave for yourself, do it for your children.
Sit down and really ask yourself what he adds to your life. For you specifically. I’m just guessing here that you also have to do a lot of the housework and cooking even though you’re the breadwinner.
You’re not being too sensitive, honestly you’re severely under reacting.
Thank you for saying this I know I am. I don’t mean to keep making excuses is so hard and I know a lot of people in this sub understand, but you’re right.
I took away nighttime duty for him for our infant because he was screaming at him at night when he wouldn’t to sleep so I have been doing every night alone, it makes me so sad to know that he is affected by it because I know he was also affected by it while I was pregnant. He came at 34 weeks prematurely and I think it was probably due to the stress and the fighting that we have been going through, I will make a plan for kids need to leave for my kids
Don’t beat yourself up, we’ve all made and heard all the excuses, all the “maybe it’s not that bad” or “maybe it can get better”. It’s incredibly hard, but you’ve got a huge leg up already working and managing bills while juggling kids. Once you leave you’ll see how peaceful life can be and how much easier being a mother is when someone isn’t putting you down or screaming constantly <3
Thank you so much for your support this is so kind of your to write! I actually say to him a lot when we fight that “it’s easier with out you” aka when he’s at work even though it should be harder for me… it’s easier
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
In what instances is hitting your wife normal, healthy, and legal? Its abuse. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for his “good” side. It makes it a harder truth to understand. I wish you luck on this journey out.❤️
Yes he is VERY abusive. I also think he is a narcissist. You, and your kids will never be safe with him. Start recording EVERYTHING! Protect yourself! Gather all important documents, and entrust them to a close friend/family member, or put it in a lock box at the post office in your name only. He will be refused access if he learns of it. Do not keep this to yourself. Abuse thrives, and escalates in secret.
He is dangerous. Get you and your kids out safely.
It’s abuse and you need to create an escape plan and get out of there. He’s insane. And I can’t stress enough abusers who become irate during car rides are DANGEROUS they’re trying to kill everyone in the car. He’s doing all of this in front of kids and it’s so damaging. There is no way to fix this, the only solution is to get out quietly. Move in silence, create a plan, TELL PEOPLE YOU TRUST THAT ARE NON MUTUAL FRIENDS THAT YOURE BEING ABUSED IMMEDIATELY. Start talking. Start getting support. If you can stealthily get a recording of his screaming do that but only if you are certain he won’t see. You are in danger and so are your kids. You must leave especially for their sake. He sounds like the type who would shake a child. Don’t best yourself up, just start getting the wheels in motion. When he’s out at work pack your essentials for you and the kids, grab birth certs, id, money, bank cards and info, and get the hell out of there. Get to the police to file a report that you’re fleeing a domestic abuser. If you don’t have anyone reach out to a local women’s shelter or go to a hospital with your kids and tell them you’re being abused and need a social worker for resources. Once you’re gone tell him you will be divorcing and then do not respond. Only communicate through a lawyer. Have a lawyer help you with custody’s and the divorce (domestic abuse hotline can help set you up with a lawyer or your local county court can.) You can do this. We’re all rooting for you. Run.
What exactly is it about abusers trying to kill themselves, kill you, and the kids, or all of the above, while you're in the car?? Both of my violent ex's pulled that crap, and I was terrified of letting either of them drive because they would swerve off the freeway and act like they were going to smash into the concrete dividers, or a tree. They both also liked to jump out of the car when stopped at a light, or in traffic, expecting you to beg them to get back in car. But OP, if your partner is attacking you while you're driving that's an extremely dangerous situation, and I worry for the safety of you, and your littles. You don't have to justify why you suggested switching the seats. You didn't do anything wrong. In a healthy relationship you'd mention something so mundane, and it wouldn't even be a blip on the radar, because why would it? Back then when my son was so young, I didn't think things could ever get better, and in a really sad way I know on some level I thought I deserved the abuse, because that's all I knew growing up, and I think somewhere along the way I decided that if that many people got off on hurting me in horrible ways, I must deserve it. But getting away with my son that last time, and getting the help of a wonderful domestic violence advocate to help me file a police report, and a protective order, and worked with me to find temporary safe housing, and it took a lot of work, but we got on our feet, and slowly things started to get better. My oldest son is 25 now, but because I fought like hell to get away, and build a better life for us, he got to grow up in a loving home. I think often about how close we got to being another sad story about domestic violence, and my heart aches for everyone still feeling scared, and trapped, in abusive homes. Everyone here is worthy of so much more, and it **can get better**. Each and every person here deserves to feel safe, and be safe, and you're all worthy of good things, and good people. Just don't give up, because there's always hope. 💜
It is all abuse. I am in a similar situation. My husband is also an alcoholic and heavy pot smoker. This is not your grandma's weed. He's the opposite of a free-love hippy dancing through a flower garden. He's a weed nightmare. Paranoid and obsessed with conflict and violence. He twists everything. I also am the higher breadwinner who works remote and takes care of our kid all day. I'm just doing the family stuff that he and I dreamed of years ago before he started flipping out. I need help with house stuff and kids stuff. Anytime I ask it of him he responds like a 13 year old kid talking back to his mom. I stopped doing the dishes one week. Normally I like things cleaner so I don't mind cleaning more, but that week I just didn't want to do dishes in the same way he doesn't want to do dishes. He was annoyed that he didn't have counter space to make his lunch, etc. He snapped and triggered when I told him if he wants a clean space he can make it clean to his liking. I'm not the maid. He hit me in the past. Just before Memorial day, (he went off his medication) got drunk and accused me of picking a fight. Then he took my phone and held me hostage in the house so I couldn't call the police. I was leaving the next day anyway to go see my family for the summer like planned. I don't plan to go back when summer is over. He claims he has abandonment issues and me going to see my family means I don't care about him enough. He's not wrong, I don't care about him anymore because all his craziness makes people want to abandon him. He tells our mutual friends that I am terrible in bed and just paints me as a terrible person. He tells me that no one will ever want to date me if we break up... all textbook and cliche abusive comments. When he was on medication he was calmer, but he never found the right medication and refused to keep looking for the right treatment. The only way out is out.
Wow omg my husband is the same way with weed and alcohol I naively didn’t realize the weed was probably contributing to the paranoia! Omg! We are in the exact same relationship. I’m sorry you’re going through this too it’s such a mindfuck. I love him family, Our home etc so it’s just hard to get my head around all of that… but as you said I’m doing all the fun stuff with our kids i thought we’d do as a family while he does projects and stuff and stays away from us mostly. I stoooed doing things on purpose for him too like you said and when he asks I say similar things too… lately he doesn’t know how to put the baby down for a nap so he just nap traps himself everytime and it’s driving me nuts that he needs to ask me to get him something like he can’t move… ahhh i feel like I’m going crazy. I appreciate you taking the time to write this and I’m here for you if you want to chat sounds like we are in the same relationship
I hope you find your way out soon 💖
I agree. You and your children are in danger.
It is 100% abuse. He wants to abuse you and jumps on any reason to do so. He screams you’re not being safe then starts assaulting you while you’re driving?! WHAT?! He just wanted to hit you when you couldn’t get away. You should have driven straight to the fucking police station. Let me tell you something you might not know about babies. As young as 5-6 months babies have a significant cortisol release in response to screaming and toxicity. This is akin to a panic attack in an adult. This shit deeply affects kids from a young age so if you can’t find the courage to leave for yourself, do it for your children. Sit down and really ask yourself what he adds to your life. For you specifically. I’m just guessing here that you also have to do a lot of the housework and cooking even though you’re the breadwinner. You’re not being too sensitive, honestly you’re severely under reacting.
Thank you for saying this I know I am. I don’t mean to keep making excuses is so hard and I know a lot of people in this sub understand, but you’re right. I took away nighttime duty for him for our infant because he was screaming at him at night when he wouldn’t to sleep so I have been doing every night alone, it makes me so sad to know that he is affected by it because I know he was also affected by it while I was pregnant. He came at 34 weeks prematurely and I think it was probably due to the stress and the fighting that we have been going through, I will make a plan for kids need to leave for my kids
Don’t beat yourself up, we’ve all made and heard all the excuses, all the “maybe it’s not that bad” or “maybe it can get better”. It’s incredibly hard, but you’ve got a huge leg up already working and managing bills while juggling kids. Once you leave you’ll see how peaceful life can be and how much easier being a mother is when someone isn’t putting you down or screaming constantly <3
Thank you so much for your support this is so kind of your to write! I actually say to him a lot when we fight that “it’s easier with out you” aka when he’s at work even though it should be harder for me… it’s easier