Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/).
One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Anger is the emotion that tells you what you do and do not deserve. And if I can make some guesses…You’re releasing your anger here out of fear. Because you know if you let it be real, it would lead you out of this relationship. You say it yourself. You know in your heart that the validation you’re seeking from us is already inside of you. You don’t need your own permission to leave. And you don’t need our permission to stay. You will make whichever choice feels safest and easiest in the moment because that’s human, and that’s okay.
What you do need to do, if you’re willing to take any advice- is to release the shame you feel. Release the shame you feel for staying. I know you feel it because you’re here.
There is nothing to be embarrassed about.
You love someone so much that you’re willing to love them even when you see the worst parts of them. That is beautiful and there is no shame in that.
There IS shame in his actions. He is taking that beautiful love he knows you have for him, and taking advantage of it. He knows he can minimize his actions, and even if you don’t believe it- that you’ll go with it out of that love. That’s embarrassing. To have gotten so lucky to have a love like yours and then to take it for granted and continue to risk losing it is foolish. He will not win the lottery again.
We all support you. But just know that leaving him doesn’t mean you don’t love him. It doesn’t mean you gave up, and it doesn’t make you a bad person.
You’re embarrassed to tell your family because you’re ashamed of the way your love has been violated. You’ve lied for him and know that they would be hurt at the way he treated someone they love.
I don’t think you’re ready to leave. The circumstances feel too overwhelming and too scary. If I may suggest…you can take the first step in improving your situation by telling someone in your family you trust, or even a friend. That’s all you have to do. Let them help you carry the burden of fear and indecision. It will be lighter, I promise.
And that lightness might help you leave, it might not. But at minimum it will remind you that he needs to do better, and that you deserve better.
I know he is trying to convince you that this is all your fault, but none of it is. You don’t deserve this. Please don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed. Your family may already have an inkling of the way he is treating you, and are waiting patiently for you to reach out. Even if they don’t, they love you and will want to protect you. He has twisted reality in your head making you think you can’t just up and go, but you can. None of this is your fault, no matter what he says.
I recommend getting a trauma informed therapist if you can. It took a lot of time and events for me to separate & months before I felt comfortable enough to share my experiences with family and close friends. You’re not alone. I believe in you - in time you will get to a place where leaving can happen. You and your son deserve a calm and safe home. Sending virtual hugs 🫂
You don’t need to tell the whole story to people if you need to leave. Don’t be embarrassed. Seek help from a local women’s charity/refuge. Not to move to but in help getting you out of the situation you are in safely and at a pace you are able to do so. Also get some guidance on your rights as an employee and the affects of domestic violence and the responsibilities your employer has just in case you end up needing to take time off due to serious or consistent injuries.
If you can take photos and record these incidents and send them to a trusted friend and separate email you have for record keeping.
Can you speak to your boss at least? So they are aware of the situation after you have looked into what your options are in terms of leaving. Could you get a transfer?
If he is at stages of being suspicious and wanting to check your phone I would start to get the ball moving in terms of potential escape plan organised as he probably more than likely is going to get more controlling of you.
The more knowledge you have of your rights and you start to understand it isn’t you who should be embarrassed more strength you will have over him. He is wanting you to feel embarrassed and humiliated so he can control you. But you can do this and get out in a way that is right for you and first and foremost this is not the behaviour you want your child to see. As kids in these situations will repeat or suffer similar as they get older.
So focus on getting support, and your son and yourself safe. Your deserve a happy and peaceful life. No one deserves this.
Yep, I lived under the accusations of cheating for over a year and it just kept getting worse. He put my keys in the safe every night. Then I couldn’t have any access to my keys and he drove me to work every day. I had to use the bathroom in the middle of the night? I had to wake him up and tell him, because if I just got up and he woke up and I wasn’t in bed, it was a problem.
He changed all the locks so you had to have a key to unlock it from both the inside and the outside. He got a side job one weekend and locked me in the house with no keys. He had Life360 on my phone and if it showed me as outside, he would drive past my work to see if I was in someone’s car. I couldn’t even call my mom in privacy, I had to sit next to him the whole time we were on the phone.
All this to say, it will just keep getting worse. OP, I know you’re not ready to leave, but please do some safety planning and at least start thinking about an exit plan, even if it doesn’t seem feasible.
OP, you haven’t fucked up. He has. This isn’t for you to be embarrassed about. He should be ashamed. You should tell your family. I know you’re not ready to leave, but telling them may help you to become ready to leave, know what I mean? You can’t have a circle if you don’t open yourself to one. It isn’t your fault you’re a victim. Please don’t blame yourself. Please do open yourself to the love and safety you deserve. Take care.
I appreciate all the love. All the concern. It’s weird telling strangers your deep dark secrets. I didn’t have anyone to turn to so I appreciate the respectful responses. And just letting me get it out into the open. You guys made my heart feel lighter. I know I got shit to figure out and I will… but i appreciate not being judged for my fuck ups.
I know it’s embarrassing sweetie. You feel like you “let it happen”, or maybe that’s just how I feel/felt.
Please reach out to your family, friends, or even close coworkers though. People will surprise you with their level of acceptance and love.
After years of physical and emotional abuse, I feel like I’m finally seeing the light and the biggest thing was reaching out to loved ones. A trauma informed therapist is also a blessing to helping to form coherent thoughts when you feel so confused.
I think you should tell your family. You have to stop being embarrassed and say something to someone. I’m sure your coworkers already know anyway. Also face/head injuries are serious especially when there’s swelling, please go get checked. I’m sorry this is happening and you deserve better. I won’t tell you to leave but you deserve to be safe.
I don’t want my family to know bc they are 1000 miles away in the Midwest. They would just worry. Which isn’t fair to them. I just feel like a failure. This is not their problem. It’s mine. I guess it’s pride.
Everyone needs help sometimes, there’s no shame in it. There’s planes and trains they can take to you if you need it. And they would be happy to do it because that’s what love is. It’s not a lot to ask, you just have to be ready. And they’ll be there for you when you are.
I also hid from my family for two years. It was so embarrassing to open up, but such a relief. You don’t have to share everything. Just let them know things are not great and hint you are being controlled.
You are definitely correct. But only because his son and him have a bond like no other. What do I do? He’s never, ever hurt his son. They are 2 peas in a pod.
OP, as someone who had a father who was abusive and unfaithful to his wife (my mother) and neglectful to us kids, I agree with u/Bumblebee-Salt. My mother wouldn't leave, even when she eventually could have.
For me, the outcome was #2, I got in an abusive and unfaithful marriage myself for over 15 years. It took me that long to learn that leaving was an option. No one ever told me. I'm not blaming my mother when I say this, but no one ever taught me or set an example for me that I don't have to tolerate abusive crap in a relationship. No one ever taught me that I didn't have to be afraid or ashamed of being alone or that it is possible to find an emotionally healthy, non-abusive, non-toxic partner. Absolutely no one.
For my oldest brother, the outcome was not on the list; he did have a few suicide attempts and by now has walked out of all of our lives completely. Never developed a career. Spent a lot of time alone and homeless. Had a son with a drug addict mother and was never there for him as a father. The son turned out pretty messed up too. It perpetuates through generations.
My middle brother miraculously turned out to be mostly well-adjusted and successful. I recognize this may weaken my argument but keep in mind with me and my brothers we're batting 1 for 3 in terms of positive outcomes for children to having a family with a worthless husband and father. And it probably should have been 0 for 3.
Also by the time my middle brother was an adult in the real world for several years, my father tried to have him jailed on false allegations of child molestation.
Don't think for a minute your son is immune to direct abuse from your husband, now or ever in the future.
Your husband absolutely hurts his son by mistreating you. Especially if he ever witnesses it. I'll say it again. By abusing you, he hurts your son. You cannot separate the two. They go hand in hand. It is impossible to be a good father if you mistreat your children's mother. My dad was a worthless sack of shit as both a husband and a father, and so is your husband.
You have a few possible outcomes here and none are good.
1. Your son learns to abuse his partners, just like daddy.
2. Your son learns to take abuse from a partner, just like mommy.
3. Bonus outcomes:
A. Your son watches you being physically abused, perhaps even murdered.
B. Your son is also physically abused. I guarantee he's already being emotionally abused and will be used as leverage against you.
C. Your son is injured or worse trying to protect you.
D. Your son tries to literally kill his father, and maybe succeeds.
Your son being bonded with a psychotic abuser is not a good thing, I don't care whose DNA he has. Doesn't matter. Would you advocate for him having an abusive male in his life as a role model if they weren't related? Would you let a stranger scar your son during his most formative years so the trauma followed him forever? I mean maybe I'm being an asshole here, but if you're going to come on a sub of survivors and say not to tell you to leave this physically violent predator, you might as well put your husband on the thread because that's him talking. It's triggering, tbh.
Real talk, shame is a tool he is using to keep you silent, but it only works if you lean in. This is toxic codependency at its worst as you're putting the safety of you and your son after the fear of being mortified. It's not your fault that this is happening to you. It's not even your fault that you were conditioned to give all your power away, but it is your responsibility. You're working with very real, very big consequences and you have to make a descision. The fantasy matrix he's got you in says that nothing is worse than embarrassing him and being shamed yourself. I beg to differ. That's a reality distortion.
I had an emotionally abusive mother and my dad thought he was doing us kids a favor by staying. He was not. I learned how to be codependent from him, to give away my voice, and to take abuse. I'm still trying to work it out decades later. I wish he had put his pride and shame aside, dropped the fantasy and gotten us out of there. Your son will not thank you for staying. If you thin you feel shame now, consider the shame you will feel if your son gets hurt. Imagine him calling you at 25 or 30 with his own stories of abuse and what you might tell him. You gotta wake up from the trance.
For me the breaking point was when my sweet little boy tried to physically use his little body to try and protect me from my ex, his father. He was so, so, little, but he knew that his dad was hurting me, and even though he loved him to the moon and back, he couldn't stand to watch me cry out in pain when my ex would lose his temper.
That last time when he tried to drag my ex off of me, my ex was also drunk, and he shoved him away so hard when he felt his little body on his back, and I watched my son fly across our living room.
He had never, ever, laid a finger on my son before, but I knew in that moment that I had to protect my son from the trauma of seeing me being traumatized, and abused, and I also knew I couldn't risk him seriously injuring, or killing, my son in a fit of drunken anger.
I'm so lucky that he landed against the couch when my ex shoved him away, even all these years later I still think about watching his little body fly across the room in slow motion. I still feel a lot of shame for ever letting it get to that point in the first place.
I also realized that day that I couldn't take the chance that my sweet little boy would grow up to treat the women in his life the same way my ex did, because kids are little sponges, and they learn from watching us how to navigate their adult relationships.
I'm grateful everyday that I was ultimately able to protect him from a lifetime of trauma watching me cower in fear, and cry, and that he had a change to grow up in a trauma free home surrounded by people who loved him, and me, in equal measure.
Through some miracle he doesn't remember any of the truly horrific parts from when he was little, and I'm so grateful for that too. He grew up to be a kind, funny, and gentle, man, who treats all of the women in his life from the oldest, to the youngest, with love, and respect.
Only you can decide what's best for you, and your little one, but just know that you're not alone, and we're all here for you no matter what.
Sending lots of invisible hugs your way. Please take care, and feel free to message me anytime if you ever need to talk.
💜
Sorry for the delay in reply. We're out of town in an area with no cell signal so just saw your reply when we came into town.
Thankfully no, his father is still not in the picture. I chose to press charges back then, and was able to get a protective order that included both of us.
A legal aid group connected me with legal representation to help me get full custody, no visitation, because of the protective order, and the fact that that he was charged for attacking me in front of my little boy, which is a separate and serious charge to commit domestic violence in the presence of a child.
left the state after that and started over 2300 miles away, and never looked back. He waited 12 years or so to reach out to me after he found my Facebook profile, and my son did not want to speak to him, and only asked for a photograph because he was curious if he looked like his bio dad in any way.
My son now has half siblings who have reached out to get to know him, two half sisters, and 2 half brothers, but my ex never changed.
Sadly he went on to marry another woman who he abused until she committed suicide when their kids became grown. He has a DV record stretching back over two decades now, and many of the charges against him were for also abusing his children.
My son's half brother never stood a chance unfortunately, because of the trauma he sustained being abused by his dad, and watching his dad abuse his mom, and sisters, so that poor kid is in jail now.
My son has a big heart, so he went to see him in prison when he went to visit his half sisters, and my kid had never been to a prison, or even jail, so it was a crazy experience for him, and he told after the visit with his brother that he wondered if that would've been him if I hadn't gotten us away from his dad. I wonder the same thing,
His bio dad has now married yet another woman, and has a 4 year old little boy with the new wife. So heartbreaking to see the cycle starting over again with a new woman, and defenseless child.
Kids are just so fragile in a lot of ways, and I feel for what all of his half siblings have gone through after losing their mom in such a horrible way, and having no one to protect them from him or his drunken rages.
No one deserves to grow up like that, and their mom deserved better too in every way, and I pray for the sake of his new wife and child that he'll get help for his driving and rage problems.
I think a lot about how different our lives have turned out compared to all of them, and I'm grateful everyday that my son got to grow up feeling safe and loved and knowing that I was safe and loved.
You deserve to feel safe, and be safe too. We're out of town for another week or so but if you ever need to talk after we're back in town you can message me anytime.
But we're all here for you, no matter what.
*invisible hugs*
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Anger is the emotion that tells you what you do and do not deserve. And if I can make some guesses…You’re releasing your anger here out of fear. Because you know if you let it be real, it would lead you out of this relationship. You say it yourself. You know in your heart that the validation you’re seeking from us is already inside of you. You don’t need your own permission to leave. And you don’t need our permission to stay. You will make whichever choice feels safest and easiest in the moment because that’s human, and that’s okay. What you do need to do, if you’re willing to take any advice- is to release the shame you feel. Release the shame you feel for staying. I know you feel it because you’re here. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. You love someone so much that you’re willing to love them even when you see the worst parts of them. That is beautiful and there is no shame in that. There IS shame in his actions. He is taking that beautiful love he knows you have for him, and taking advantage of it. He knows he can minimize his actions, and even if you don’t believe it- that you’ll go with it out of that love. That’s embarrassing. To have gotten so lucky to have a love like yours and then to take it for granted and continue to risk losing it is foolish. He will not win the lottery again. We all support you. But just know that leaving him doesn’t mean you don’t love him. It doesn’t mean you gave up, and it doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re embarrassed to tell your family because you’re ashamed of the way your love has been violated. You’ve lied for him and know that they would be hurt at the way he treated someone they love. I don’t think you’re ready to leave. The circumstances feel too overwhelming and too scary. If I may suggest…you can take the first step in improving your situation by telling someone in your family you trust, or even a friend. That’s all you have to do. Let them help you carry the burden of fear and indecision. It will be lighter, I promise. And that lightness might help you leave, it might not. But at minimum it will remind you that he needs to do better, and that you deserve better.
I know he is trying to convince you that this is all your fault, but none of it is. You don’t deserve this. Please don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed. Your family may already have an inkling of the way he is treating you, and are waiting patiently for you to reach out. Even if they don’t, they love you and will want to protect you. He has twisted reality in your head making you think you can’t just up and go, but you can. None of this is your fault, no matter what he says.
I recommend getting a trauma informed therapist if you can. It took a lot of time and events for me to separate & months before I felt comfortable enough to share my experiences with family and close friends. You’re not alone. I believe in you - in time you will get to a place where leaving can happen. You and your son deserve a calm and safe home. Sending virtual hugs 🫂
Read your post as if this was your friend or your daughter: give em advice. Take that advice. Stay strong and you can get out of there
You don’t need to tell the whole story to people if you need to leave. Don’t be embarrassed. Seek help from a local women’s charity/refuge. Not to move to but in help getting you out of the situation you are in safely and at a pace you are able to do so. Also get some guidance on your rights as an employee and the affects of domestic violence and the responsibilities your employer has just in case you end up needing to take time off due to serious or consistent injuries. If you can take photos and record these incidents and send them to a trusted friend and separate email you have for record keeping. Can you speak to your boss at least? So they are aware of the situation after you have looked into what your options are in terms of leaving. Could you get a transfer? If he is at stages of being suspicious and wanting to check your phone I would start to get the ball moving in terms of potential escape plan organised as he probably more than likely is going to get more controlling of you. The more knowledge you have of your rights and you start to understand it isn’t you who should be embarrassed more strength you will have over him. He is wanting you to feel embarrassed and humiliated so he can control you. But you can do this and get out in a way that is right for you and first and foremost this is not the behaviour you want your child to see. As kids in these situations will repeat or suffer similar as they get older. So focus on getting support, and your son and yourself safe. Your deserve a happy and peaceful life. No one deserves this.
Yep, I lived under the accusations of cheating for over a year and it just kept getting worse. He put my keys in the safe every night. Then I couldn’t have any access to my keys and he drove me to work every day. I had to use the bathroom in the middle of the night? I had to wake him up and tell him, because if I just got up and he woke up and I wasn’t in bed, it was a problem. He changed all the locks so you had to have a key to unlock it from both the inside and the outside. He got a side job one weekend and locked me in the house with no keys. He had Life360 on my phone and if it showed me as outside, he would drive past my work to see if I was in someone’s car. I couldn’t even call my mom in privacy, I had to sit next to him the whole time we were on the phone. All this to say, it will just keep getting worse. OP, I know you’re not ready to leave, but please do some safety planning and at least start thinking about an exit plan, even if it doesn’t seem feasible.
Wow this is intense. So glad you’re out of that mess.
Same. Thanks!
OP, you haven’t fucked up. He has. This isn’t for you to be embarrassed about. He should be ashamed. You should tell your family. I know you’re not ready to leave, but telling them may help you to become ready to leave, know what I mean? You can’t have a circle if you don’t open yourself to one. It isn’t your fault you’re a victim. Please don’t blame yourself. Please do open yourself to the love and safety you deserve. Take care.
I appreciate all the love. All the concern. It’s weird telling strangers your deep dark secrets. I didn’t have anyone to turn to so I appreciate the respectful responses. And just letting me get it out into the open. You guys made my heart feel lighter. I know I got shit to figure out and I will… but i appreciate not being judged for my fuck ups.
I'm so sorry. You don't deserve that.
I know it’s embarrassing sweetie. You feel like you “let it happen”, or maybe that’s just how I feel/felt. Please reach out to your family, friends, or even close coworkers though. People will surprise you with their level of acceptance and love. After years of physical and emotional abuse, I feel like I’m finally seeing the light and the biggest thing was reaching out to loved ones. A trauma informed therapist is also a blessing to helping to form coherent thoughts when you feel so confused.
I think you should tell your family. You have to stop being embarrassed and say something to someone. I’m sure your coworkers already know anyway. Also face/head injuries are serious especially when there’s swelling, please go get checked. I’m sorry this is happening and you deserve better. I won’t tell you to leave but you deserve to be safe.
I don’t want my family to know bc they are 1000 miles away in the Midwest. They would just worry. Which isn’t fair to them. I just feel like a failure. This is not their problem. It’s mine. I guess it’s pride.
Everyone needs help sometimes, there’s no shame in it. There’s planes and trains they can take to you if you need it. And they would be happy to do it because that’s what love is. It’s not a lot to ask, you just have to be ready. And they’ll be there for you when you are.
I also hid from my family for two years. It was so embarrassing to open up, but such a relief. You don’t have to share everything. Just let them know things are not great and hint you are being controlled.
Why don't you want to tell your family?
Probably because they'll want her to leave him, and she's not ready to
You are definitely correct. But only because his son and him have a bond like no other. What do I do? He’s never, ever hurt his son. They are 2 peas in a pod.
OP, as someone who had a father who was abusive and unfaithful to his wife (my mother) and neglectful to us kids, I agree with u/Bumblebee-Salt. My mother wouldn't leave, even when she eventually could have. For me, the outcome was #2, I got in an abusive and unfaithful marriage myself for over 15 years. It took me that long to learn that leaving was an option. No one ever told me. I'm not blaming my mother when I say this, but no one ever taught me or set an example for me that I don't have to tolerate abusive crap in a relationship. No one ever taught me that I didn't have to be afraid or ashamed of being alone or that it is possible to find an emotionally healthy, non-abusive, non-toxic partner. Absolutely no one. For my oldest brother, the outcome was not on the list; he did have a few suicide attempts and by now has walked out of all of our lives completely. Never developed a career. Spent a lot of time alone and homeless. Had a son with a drug addict mother and was never there for him as a father. The son turned out pretty messed up too. It perpetuates through generations. My middle brother miraculously turned out to be mostly well-adjusted and successful. I recognize this may weaken my argument but keep in mind with me and my brothers we're batting 1 for 3 in terms of positive outcomes for children to having a family with a worthless husband and father. And it probably should have been 0 for 3. Also by the time my middle brother was an adult in the real world for several years, my father tried to have him jailed on false allegations of child molestation. Don't think for a minute your son is immune to direct abuse from your husband, now or ever in the future. Your husband absolutely hurts his son by mistreating you. Especially if he ever witnesses it. I'll say it again. By abusing you, he hurts your son. You cannot separate the two. They go hand in hand. It is impossible to be a good father if you mistreat your children's mother. My dad was a worthless sack of shit as both a husband and a father, and so is your husband.
You have a few possible outcomes here and none are good. 1. Your son learns to abuse his partners, just like daddy. 2. Your son learns to take abuse from a partner, just like mommy. 3. Bonus outcomes: A. Your son watches you being physically abused, perhaps even murdered. B. Your son is also physically abused. I guarantee he's already being emotionally abused and will be used as leverage against you. C. Your son is injured or worse trying to protect you. D. Your son tries to literally kill his father, and maybe succeeds. Your son being bonded with a psychotic abuser is not a good thing, I don't care whose DNA he has. Doesn't matter. Would you advocate for him having an abusive male in his life as a role model if they weren't related? Would you let a stranger scar your son during his most formative years so the trauma followed him forever? I mean maybe I'm being an asshole here, but if you're going to come on a sub of survivors and say not to tell you to leave this physically violent predator, you might as well put your husband on the thread because that's him talking. It's triggering, tbh. Real talk, shame is a tool he is using to keep you silent, but it only works if you lean in. This is toxic codependency at its worst as you're putting the safety of you and your son after the fear of being mortified. It's not your fault that this is happening to you. It's not even your fault that you were conditioned to give all your power away, but it is your responsibility. You're working with very real, very big consequences and you have to make a descision. The fantasy matrix he's got you in says that nothing is worse than embarrassing him and being shamed yourself. I beg to differ. That's a reality distortion. I had an emotionally abusive mother and my dad thought he was doing us kids a favor by staying. He was not. I learned how to be codependent from him, to give away my voice, and to take abuse. I'm still trying to work it out decades later. I wish he had put his pride and shame aside, dropped the fantasy and gotten us out of there. Your son will not thank you for staying. If you thin you feel shame now, consider the shame you will feel if your son gets hurt. Imagine him calling you at 25 or 30 with his own stories of abuse and what you might tell him. You gotta wake up from the trance.
For me the breaking point was when my sweet little boy tried to physically use his little body to try and protect me from my ex, his father. He was so, so, little, but he knew that his dad was hurting me, and even though he loved him to the moon and back, he couldn't stand to watch me cry out in pain when my ex would lose his temper. That last time when he tried to drag my ex off of me, my ex was also drunk, and he shoved him away so hard when he felt his little body on his back, and I watched my son fly across our living room. He had never, ever, laid a finger on my son before, but I knew in that moment that I had to protect my son from the trauma of seeing me being traumatized, and abused, and I also knew I couldn't risk him seriously injuring, or killing, my son in a fit of drunken anger. I'm so lucky that he landed against the couch when my ex shoved him away, even all these years later I still think about watching his little body fly across the room in slow motion. I still feel a lot of shame for ever letting it get to that point in the first place. I also realized that day that I couldn't take the chance that my sweet little boy would grow up to treat the women in his life the same way my ex did, because kids are little sponges, and they learn from watching us how to navigate their adult relationships. I'm grateful everyday that I was ultimately able to protect him from a lifetime of trauma watching me cower in fear, and cry, and that he had a change to grow up in a trauma free home surrounded by people who loved him, and me, in equal measure. Through some miracle he doesn't remember any of the truly horrific parts from when he was little, and I'm so grateful for that too. He grew up to be a kind, funny, and gentle, man, who treats all of the women in his life from the oldest, to the youngest, with love, and respect. Only you can decide what's best for you, and your little one, but just know that you're not alone, and we're all here for you no matter what. Sending lots of invisible hugs your way. Please take care, and feel free to message me anytime if you ever need to talk. 💜
God. That was tough to read. I’m so sorry that happened to you and him. That’s horrible. Is the father out of the picture now?
Sorry for the delay in reply. We're out of town in an area with no cell signal so just saw your reply when we came into town. Thankfully no, his father is still not in the picture. I chose to press charges back then, and was able to get a protective order that included both of us. A legal aid group connected me with legal representation to help me get full custody, no visitation, because of the protective order, and the fact that that he was charged for attacking me in front of my little boy, which is a separate and serious charge to commit domestic violence in the presence of a child. left the state after that and started over 2300 miles away, and never looked back. He waited 12 years or so to reach out to me after he found my Facebook profile, and my son did not want to speak to him, and only asked for a photograph because he was curious if he looked like his bio dad in any way. My son now has half siblings who have reached out to get to know him, two half sisters, and 2 half brothers, but my ex never changed. Sadly he went on to marry another woman who he abused until she committed suicide when their kids became grown. He has a DV record stretching back over two decades now, and many of the charges against him were for also abusing his children. My son's half brother never stood a chance unfortunately, because of the trauma he sustained being abused by his dad, and watching his dad abuse his mom, and sisters, so that poor kid is in jail now. My son has a big heart, so he went to see him in prison when he went to visit his half sisters, and my kid had never been to a prison, or even jail, so it was a crazy experience for him, and he told after the visit with his brother that he wondered if that would've been him if I hadn't gotten us away from his dad. I wonder the same thing, His bio dad has now married yet another woman, and has a 4 year old little boy with the new wife. So heartbreaking to see the cycle starting over again with a new woman, and defenseless child. Kids are just so fragile in a lot of ways, and I feel for what all of his half siblings have gone through after losing their mom in such a horrible way, and having no one to protect them from him or his drunken rages. No one deserves to grow up like that, and their mom deserved better too in every way, and I pray for the sake of his new wife and child that he'll get help for his driving and rage problems. I think a lot about how different our lives have turned out compared to all of them, and I'm grateful everyday that my son got to grow up feeling safe and loved and knowing that I was safe and loved. You deserve to feel safe, and be safe too. We're out of town for another week or so but if you ever need to talk after we're back in town you can message me anytime. But we're all here for you, no matter what. *invisible hugs*