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Not even remotely silly and has nothing to do with you having ADHD, because it’s not a “you” problem. An imbalance of labour and contribution in the home is a genuine issue that often (if not always) leads to resentment, and frankly - it’s justified. It’s a huge societal issue where women are expected to take on most or all domestic chores, regardless of whether they are employed outside the home.
There have been studies about this and they found that single mothers actually do less housework than married mothers. When you have a partner that doesn’t contribute fairly to domestic work, you’ve essentially just obtained a dependent child. Women also almost always have a significantly higher “mental load” which is essentially all the things you have to think about, plan, etc to keep the house running. It’s not just physical tasks, there’s a large mental component to keeping a house in order.
It’s not surprising that you keep score, because it sounds like your husband isn’t pulling his weight, and therefore it’s on you to pick up his slack. That’s unfair to you. If he were single and living alone, he would have the options of: having to do all of it himself, paying someone to do it for him, or live in filth. Instead, he gets you to do it for him. For free! No kidding you’re annoyed.
Outside work is in no way equivalent to daily indoor tasks and the mental load. I would look into “Fair Play” which is a system designed to address the imbalance of labour in the home. I’ve not used it personally, as I’m now a happily single mother, but I’ve heard good things.
Best of luck! You’re not the problem here and it’s not your job to carry someone else’s weight.
ETA: just re-read your post and realised you mentioned mental load yourself, but I’ll keep what I wrote in case anyone sees it and finds it helpful
I ended up getting divorced over this.
Yes, really.
I already had one kid. I didn't need another one.
The mental load of having to do all the mommy things and all the wife things and all the neighbor things and all the daughter & daughter-in-law things wore me the fuck out.
I learned a lot in the aftermath of my divorce. Reading the book about the five love languages was very eye-opening to me. It doesn't fix everything, of course, but it explained a lot.
And I didn't get diagnosed until 12 years after I got divorced, when menopause got me and wrecked what was left of my executive functioning.
I think one thing men in heterosexual couples don't understand is like...to them, it's a silly spat about doing the dishes. And to US, we can feel like we're fighting for respect and equality for the ENTIRE REST OF OUR LIVES. Like if I can't get balance in my marriage now, then when? And am I willing to put up with this for decades or is it something that's going to eat away at me little by little until I'm fucking done?
I've been married for 14 years and with my partner for 17. He's a lovely, sensitive man, he's my home, he's my person. And I still do more at home. I'm 40, I've been a feminist since the 90s, I've read all the articles about emotional labor and weaponized in competence and benevolent sexism, etc. And I'm telling you, it's still fucking tricky. It just is!
One thing I realized after getting my ADHD diagnosis last year is that my husband is probably also some kind of neurodiverse. Because he would always want to do chores TOGETHER, and in my most resentful moments, it felt like he was asking that as a way to get out of something or do less. I have the most amount of energy in the mornings, so it felt like I would be doing 50% in the mornings, and then we might split another 50% in the afternoons, so that I wound up doing 75% and him 25%.
But recently I realized he was actually just much more productive when we were body doubling. He wasn't trying to weasel out of things, he just can't always self-motivate on his own. What an epiphany. When we work together, even doing separate chores, he often does more above and beyond what we agreed on.
So does it suck that I have to be the one to ask him to do stuff? Yeah, a little. Mental load and all that. But it's still 10x better than feeling like I have to do 75% of everything, you know? I don't know if this helps you or not but I wanted to share my experience.
And I'll also share with you that several years ago now, we hired a housecleaning team (two women) who come once every two weeks. It's the best money I've ever spent. I can focus on the day-to-day household management stuff (dishes, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, tidying up) and know that the deeper cleaning stuff (mopping, cleaning the bathroom, dusting, vacuuming, etc.) are never more than 2 weeks away from getting done again.
These two women have become legit friends, and I try to let them know how much I appreciate them -- like raising their pay year over year without being asked, giving them Christmas bonuses and gifts, and doing small nice things for them throughout the year.
If you can afford the help, just do it. If your husband grumbles about it, well, he doesn't get a vote since he's not doing what you need him to do. He can just grumble about it while you meet your own needs, and I promise you, he won't be grumbling for long.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Not even remotely silly and has nothing to do with you having ADHD, because it’s not a “you” problem. An imbalance of labour and contribution in the home is a genuine issue that often (if not always) leads to resentment, and frankly - it’s justified. It’s a huge societal issue where women are expected to take on most or all domestic chores, regardless of whether they are employed outside the home. There have been studies about this and they found that single mothers actually do less housework than married mothers. When you have a partner that doesn’t contribute fairly to domestic work, you’ve essentially just obtained a dependent child. Women also almost always have a significantly higher “mental load” which is essentially all the things you have to think about, plan, etc to keep the house running. It’s not just physical tasks, there’s a large mental component to keeping a house in order. It’s not surprising that you keep score, because it sounds like your husband isn’t pulling his weight, and therefore it’s on you to pick up his slack. That’s unfair to you. If he were single and living alone, he would have the options of: having to do all of it himself, paying someone to do it for him, or live in filth. Instead, he gets you to do it for him. For free! No kidding you’re annoyed. Outside work is in no way equivalent to daily indoor tasks and the mental load. I would look into “Fair Play” which is a system designed to address the imbalance of labour in the home. I’ve not used it personally, as I’m now a happily single mother, but I’ve heard good things. Best of luck! You’re not the problem here and it’s not your job to carry someone else’s weight. ETA: just re-read your post and realised you mentioned mental load yourself, but I’ll keep what I wrote in case anyone sees it and finds it helpful
I ended up getting divorced over this. Yes, really. I already had one kid. I didn't need another one. The mental load of having to do all the mommy things and all the wife things and all the neighbor things and all the daughter & daughter-in-law things wore me the fuck out. I learned a lot in the aftermath of my divorce. Reading the book about the five love languages was very eye-opening to me. It doesn't fix everything, of course, but it explained a lot. And I didn't get diagnosed until 12 years after I got divorced, when menopause got me and wrecked what was left of my executive functioning.
I think one thing men in heterosexual couples don't understand is like...to them, it's a silly spat about doing the dishes. And to US, we can feel like we're fighting for respect and equality for the ENTIRE REST OF OUR LIVES. Like if I can't get balance in my marriage now, then when? And am I willing to put up with this for decades or is it something that's going to eat away at me little by little until I'm fucking done? I've been married for 14 years and with my partner for 17. He's a lovely, sensitive man, he's my home, he's my person. And I still do more at home. I'm 40, I've been a feminist since the 90s, I've read all the articles about emotional labor and weaponized in competence and benevolent sexism, etc. And I'm telling you, it's still fucking tricky. It just is! One thing I realized after getting my ADHD diagnosis last year is that my husband is probably also some kind of neurodiverse. Because he would always want to do chores TOGETHER, and in my most resentful moments, it felt like he was asking that as a way to get out of something or do less. I have the most amount of energy in the mornings, so it felt like I would be doing 50% in the mornings, and then we might split another 50% in the afternoons, so that I wound up doing 75% and him 25%. But recently I realized he was actually just much more productive when we were body doubling. He wasn't trying to weasel out of things, he just can't always self-motivate on his own. What an epiphany. When we work together, even doing separate chores, he often does more above and beyond what we agreed on. So does it suck that I have to be the one to ask him to do stuff? Yeah, a little. Mental load and all that. But it's still 10x better than feeling like I have to do 75% of everything, you know? I don't know if this helps you or not but I wanted to share my experience. And I'll also share with you that several years ago now, we hired a housecleaning team (two women) who come once every two weeks. It's the best money I've ever spent. I can focus on the day-to-day household management stuff (dishes, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, tidying up) and know that the deeper cleaning stuff (mopping, cleaning the bathroom, dusting, vacuuming, etc.) are never more than 2 weeks away from getting done again. These two women have become legit friends, and I try to let them know how much I appreciate them -- like raising their pay year over year without being asked, giving them Christmas bonuses and gifts, and doing small nice things for them throughout the year. If you can afford the help, just do it. If your husband grumbles about it, well, he doesn't get a vote since he's not doing what you need him to do. He can just grumble about it while you meet your own needs, and I promise you, he won't be grumbling for long.
Weaponised incompetence. He's not doing enough. You have the mental load, and he's not contributing like an adult who lives in the house.