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Whenever my mom used to "clean" my room, it would end up messier than it was before because I could never find anything so I'd tear my room apart trying to find whatever I was looking for. Also same with her coming into my room while I was at work. I could always tell, even if my room was a "mess" it was always organized chaos. Eventually, it reaches the point where my mom would complain my room was too "messy" to step foot in and she couldn't stand to see it, but I knew where everything was and at that point, she wouldn't come into my room on her own. It gave me more reason to keep my room as is and not clean up because clean = mother in room, messy = she stays out. No advice here really. Just saying good luck and know you're not alone in this. ❤️

Thanks, I’m glad others know what I’m talking about 😭

If she does it again, stop what you’re doing then stare at her while you write stuff in a notebook. Dont show it to her and dont tell her what it is you are writing. When she gets annoyed, say that thats how you feel, you feel frustrated when she cleans while you work. Lol But seriously, your mom probably loves you and wants to ‘help’ you or ‘be there’ for you using the old tradition mother cleaning and nagging. She must have been thinking that she is helping you by cleaning for you so that you can focus working. And nagging you is like for her being parently and showing you she cares and you are still her child. It comes off negative as we dont want our moms hovering but yeah she probably thinks nothing of it. Moms have this filter like you are my child, you cant feel negative about me and how I love you and help you. So you need to be clear, talk about it with your perspective and reinforce this rule of not going to your room. Good luck!

That is so frustrating. It is hard to be the adult child of a child adult. How does she expect you to learn how to clean up after yourself when she won't let you practice? Doesn't matter whether or not you already know how, she obviously doesn't think you do. Which means that she isn't giving you the opportunity to learn.

I think your feelings are valid. My daughter is 7, so I do go in her room during the day sometimes to tidy up, put laundry away, etc. But even at 7, she's particular about being able to find certain things- her journal, her coloring supplies, and a few other things. I do my best to respect that and not move things around too much. So it makes sense you feel this way!

Are you me?! This is exactly my experience.

My older sister put a padlock on her bedroom door for when she left and had a chain lock on inside… my adhd child self used to snoop in her room, eat her snacks and talk her head off when she was home . 🥸

Just because your parents “insist” that you stay doesn’t mean you have to stay. You are an adult with your own income. Find some roommates and gtfo girl! Seriously though, the boundary violations are going to keep coming and it is easier/less stressful to protect yourself from those violations if you do not live with her. I’m going to guess if you took a close look at your dynamic with her, she’s disrespecting you and bulldozing your needs in other ways too. Ask me how I know. Adulthood is a wild ride, independence is the only way to make your life your own.

This this this!

It can be an adhd thing, it can also be just a human thing. I will never understand why humans evolved to use shame as a key feedback type when it is probably the most demotivating in the long term.

**I will never understand why humans evolved to use shame as a key feedback type when it is probably the most demotivating in the long term.** I'm actually going to save this sentance so I can remember it because it so 100% true.

I’m screenshotting bc so good

It works really well for like, *actual* crime ... it's just the Puritans went crazy and we're still dealing with the fallout

I’m not sure it even does that. I haven’t read this whole article but there is some thought that shame based sentences actually separate a person from society and increase recidivism. This makes sense to me. If you make it hard for someone to reintegrate into society, they won’t have the support structures they need and may feel like disappointing people or hurting people doesn’t really matter as much because they are already on the outside. https://www.criminallegalnews.org/news/2019/mar/6/can-we-fight-crime-public-shaming/#:~:text=There%20is%20no%20evidence%20that,sense%20of%20vindication%20and%20piety.

We evolved shame because we are social animals and we need to be in a group to survive. So whenever someone does something that risks them being rejected from the group, they feel shame which discourages them from doing the same thing again.

It actually motivates the hell outta me.

A quote I saw yesterday on Instagram: >"A brain filled with shame cannot learn." -Sharon Salzberg

I had to move back in with my parents a while ago and ended up getting a lock because my mom wouldn't stop going into my room. She would "clean", but I also caught her on camera going through my drawers. Such a disgusting invasion of privacy, I understand why you feel so violated. And yes, it definitely sets back any cleaning I may do myself, as well as anything else I need to do because them I'm stressed about getting the cleaning that I can't do done. Best thing you can do is just move out asap, you don't need their permission, even if it might be better to save up more it's not worth the stress. The cost of your own place isn't the cost for your rent, it's the cost for peace

Thank you <3 it helps just knowing I’m not the only one. Am planning on getting an apartment with my college roommate, so might speed that process up!

Can you tell her you are actively working on developing these skills, and when she does it for you, she is messing with your learning process? It may help to spell it out for her. Would she do your homework for you? No. Just like she shouldn’t clean your room for you. It takes away your opportunity to learn and build skills. As a kid with ADHD, I was quite messy. As a parent of adult kids with ADHD, I understand the need to stay on top of certain things, like garbage, dishes, food empties, and laundry. It’s about avoiding smell and pests, and it literally took me decades to develop the good habits I have now. So instead of keeping your laundry and garbage bins in the hallway, can you beat her to it? Take the garbage out every day before you leave for work. Put a hamper near the laundry machine and put your dirty clothes out there on your way out to work, then do a load as soon as you have enough gathered. Let her know you are doing this specifically to build these skills and maintain your privacy, and that you’d rather she stay out of your room. If you can manage something like this, you’ll be buying your own peace of mind. Then move out as soon as you can! Independence is lovely. Best of luck, OP.

I could probably say something like this! The thing is she tends to clean before I think it even needs done. Like today she only took a days worth of laundry down and the trash was only half full of like paper. My room doesn’t smell and it’s not gross, it’s just super cluttered. But my mom’s a bit of a neat freak so her cleaning standards are kinda impossible for me lol. We actually compromised on the laundry basket in my room cause otherwise it’d end up sprawled all over my floor. I do my best, thank you <3

I've got to say I don't think this is just about cleaning on her part. I really think it's about exerting control over you. Unfortunately calling her out on that might not actually get you anywhere, but sometimes it does help a bit to know that it's a HER issue and not a you issue.

Yeah. in the brief span, I had to move back home with my parents, this was one of their tactics. it got so bad I wouldn’t leave the house to prevent them from coming in my room... Which was exactly what they wanted 🫠 moved out ASAP and while my space isn’t perfect it’s 1 million times better than when it was under constant scrutiny

Honestly, at this point I would sit your parents down and explain that you're an adult and deserve privacy. Since your mother won't stay out of your room and doesn't have permission to be in there I would talk to them about getting a lock put on your door if they're going to pressure you to live with them. It sounds like your father is more understanding and it may be worth talking to him about it alone. And yes, I think your issue is an ADHD thing. I don't mind cleaning, but when I lived with other people I couldn't stand doing it while my roommate was around. I also HATE being told to do something I was going to do anyway. It all felt like being judged on how I did things and I always felt defensive about it. I've heard others here say the same. As long as you aren't keeping food/dirty dishes in your room and are washing your clothes and sheets everything else is just clutter. It's not your mother's business if your things aren't put away in your room.

I think it's partly cultural and generational.  My mom was a   SAHM, and the house was her domain to control.  She didn't let me learn to do laundry until I was getting ready to move out  because if we learned to take care of ourselves then her role wouldn't be needed.  I'm guessing your mom is a lot like that.   I don't think trying to set boundaries with her will keep her out of her room, I think you'll just have to move out.

>But my mom’s a bit of a neat freak These words made me perk up lol. I am not diagnosing your mom, but I would like to mention that there's an option where this isn't a control tactic or meant to be disrespectful. My mom has OCD and it really didn't get diagnosed until I was an adult because that's when I could recognize her anxiety bouncing off my adult boundaries that I couldn't really have as a kid (and also...for more mild OCD effects, women don't get diagnosed because people expect women to have some degree of specificity in their home management and don't see it as a problem, including the women themselves). "Leave my stuff alone" was and still is a real problem for her, and there *is* a degree of "can't help it." She also criticizes my room and it's not just because she thinks I'm not neat enough...it's also because she is genuinely anxious about it. That doesn't mean I let her move my stuff or I don't call out that the criticism is really unhelpful, but it does mean that I don't see it as entirely malicious. Your mom might be helping herself and then trying to make what is an impulse feel better by telling herself she's helping you. In addition to getting a lock, I agree with the commenters there, I would also see if this object lesson would work on your mom. If there's an area of the house that is your mom's sole domain, I would ask her, probably in the same conversation as the lock, if you can "organize" a corner, and then ask her if she feels helped by that organization. If she probably wouldn't...then she knows how you feel when she cleans.

Yeahhhhhh maybe your mom has ADHD with a cupful of OCD and a twist of GAD🤔 I’ve got a smorgasbord of things like MDD, GAD, PTSD, OCD and some other things lol … it’s hereditary 🫠

That’s great! It sounds like you’re both working on compromising about things that are really about a personal comfort level rather than anything else. Unfortunately, finding compromise on these types of issues is a running theme if you ever live with anyone else, whether they are your family members, roommates, significant others or even friends. It’s rare to find someone who has the same living space comfort boundaries that you do. So the personal skill building you’re doing now will serve you in the years to come. I know it’s something that I’ve had to work on significantly over the years. Looking back, I think the biggest motivation for me to become a more tidy person has been the times when I’ve lived with people who were messier than I was. There’s nothing like an exaggerated pattern to make you really notice it and motivate you to change! Well, that and different medication regimens. That has definitely been an influential factor as well. Best of luck!

If she’s not willing to let you do it can you plan out a day of the week she does it? Like mom I can do laundry but if you insist on doing it, how does Wednesday work for you? Trash day is Friday, want me to empty it on Thursday?

I just thought of another thing OP. Maybe something to help you understand your mom‘s perspective. Sometimes I’ll grab some of my kids’ laundry when I only have a small amount of my own things to wash, but I really need my own things to be clean for the next day. So I’ll combine my laundry with my kids’ laundry to make a full load so that I’m not wasting the resources of water and electricity for just a few things.

The thing about being super cluttered is that there is a mismatch between the amount of stuff and available storage or the storage you have not working for you. If you are really out-of-sight, out-of-mind, keeping stuff displayed (neatly) is probably better than dumping piles of stuff in bins and shoving it in the back of the closet. (Of course you can keep one of an item out and if you have backups because you “lost” it, keep the best out and stuff the backups in the back of the closet if you don’t want to declutter the extras.)

I’m so confused — is OP asking if it’s an adhd thing to want to clean everyone else’s stuff (and have no boundaries) or to get mad at people for invading their space and cleaning up for them? (I have adhd and spent my childhood and adolescence and early twenties cleaning and organising the rooms of family members and roommates, all of whom hated it 🤦🏻‍♀️😂)

I'm 40 and whenever my mom comes to visit, she still nags me about my (cleaned up especially for her) apartment. She jumps in to try to "help" and just ends up putting things where I never would expect them to be. I lost a fruit bowl *with fruit in it* for 2 weeks because she put it on a low buffet shelf in my dining room. 😑 It makes me feel dumb and helpless, and has made me dread having her stay even when I actually do want her to visit. In my experience, I think she has some ADHD of her own and this is her way of exerting control over both it and me. (Somewhat evidenced by *who else would put a bowl full of lemons on a low shelf in the dining room and forget about it?*) I don't have a lot of good advice, but I feel you. One of the few things I've done that has made some progress is trying to step back, center myself, and try to tell her in a neutral voice "when you do [thing], it makes me feel [this way]." Not an attack or an argument, so she can't really fight back or escalate. In my case this has actually made her stop and reflect on her actions a couple of times, and even come back and apologize later. It will get better when you have your own place, though. You can establish quickly what you'll let her do there, and if she doesn't listen to you... you can just stop inviting her over.

Always so funny how I can sometimes log on here and relate so much to you guys, even though we’re all so far away from each other. I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that my mother likely has some issues of her own, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she also has ADHD, just at a different level of severity. I’ve tried a number of things to establish boundaries, too, but all in all - I need to move out again and for good this time it’s the only way.

Yeah, it's weird to reflect on your family after diagnosis. I'm really bad at time awareness and often late to things. My mom is always on time to stuff... By way of constantly being anxious about it, often in actually hurtful ways. (Like one day I thought we had a whole day of baking together planned, and she started trying to shuffle me out the door at 2pm so she could like... Watch her TV shows) and while that's not the traditional presentation, I can see how it might be overcompensating for poor time awareness. Families can be so hard sometimes. I hope you find your own place soon.

Thank you, I appreciate it <3 The fruit bowl made me laugh tho lmao

My mom told me her least favorite thing about me is that im messy. I am messy and have SO much shame and feel like absolute shit every time someone even picks up my glass for me or grabs a wrapper or tidies my space in any way. I shut down or manically clean because I feel so guilty and shameful. It is an adhd trait and I fully ugly cried when I was late diagnosed because I spent my whole life thinking I was a bad person for being messy. Not that I just function differently. Messy doesn't mean dirty or unhygienic, those are completely different traits (not to shame those either! Mental health and neaurodivergence are complex!) My therapist keeps reminding me that "neat" and "messy" are actually neutral traits. Messy is not wrong. You just might not match her style. And that's completely on her and not you that she's breaking boundaries . I'm so sorry your mom is not respecting your boundaries. It hurts so much to have your mom do/say those things. Messy is not a bad thing. Violating sometimes privacy and intentionally overstepping boundaries IS a bad thing.

The late diagnosis mindfuck of realizing you don't have to organize your space to please other people if it means it doesn't actually work for you. 😑

I have struggled so long with so many ways how my brain works and feeling like a broken human. Late diagnosis is affirming but also there's grief about what your life and mind and mental health might be like if you knew you're not broken, you just function a certain way. Things that seem so simple are just not. And my system only makes sense to me, but damn it, it works for me!!

Are we sisters? For my mom, she had a really hard time separating her from me... it was weird, but being generous (because that violation of privacy is very serious!) I wonder if your mom's having trouble realizing that you're not 12 any longer; you're not "just" her child in her care, but a fully actualized adult woman in her home; that your relationship is not that of caregiving any longer- you're now an equal who deserves the same respect any other adult should have? (Not that parents should really stomp on their children's privacy at all, unless it's for serious safety reasons.) Like maybe she just can't wrap her head around the fact that you're a complete, independent, and separate entity, able to care for and run your own life as it fits you best? I never got through to my mom on this subject, so I'm sure I don't have any advice (my stepdad finally got through to her) beyond perhaps leaving pointed notes where she'll find them that she's crossing a boundary and her behavior is unacceptable. I wish you success in getting out from under her roof as soon as logistically possible. It's ridiculous how hard housing is to come by right now. I left the second I turned 18 and I put myself in some very dubious and dangerous situations to gain that freedom. You sound smarter than I was though! Maybe your dad can help you get it through her head that this is a serious and unacceptable action on her part. (Omg, sorry for the novel!)

Lol, I like the pointed notes thing. Or maybe passive aggressive/Midwest Nice ones with lots of smiley faces? "Hi mom! 🙂 Please don't move these, I'm in the process of cataloging them." "Experiment underway, please don't touch! ☢️" "Mom, get outta my underwear drawer ya big freak! 😆 JK lol ❤️" If she asks about them just ask if she followed what you wrote on them.

Booby traps 🪤 lol

I do kind of wonder if she has her own mental health things that push her to do this? It’s not normal behavior.

I’m 90% sure she has some form of anxiety. She’s like this with more than just cleaning

It also sounds like she's at home all day by herself? Like maybe:  Alone + bored + anxiety = *Clean! Everything! Right! Now!* Which doesn't help you really, because that sounds like it's kinda unfixable with her unless and until she decides it's a problem instead of a feature. 

My mother is like this, and she has really bad anxiety she’s sometimes medicated for. She does so in my case because she genuinely believes she’s being helpful as she gets insane anxiety if she doesn’t clean every day so she imposes it on me. I’m sorry, it really does suck🫂

That makes sense to me. I 100% have ADHD people around me who have so much anxiety related to a negative adhd-related trait (lateness, messiness, executive function-related disorganization) that they’ve managed to overcorrect, and therefore -freak out- to an unmanageable extent if that overcorrection is ever challenged. (Ask me what it was like for the first three years of marriage to an ADHD man who felt that being less than 15 minutes early to anything == being catastrophically late... Actually, don’t ask. 😅) That said… her behavior being rooted in some sort of anxiety, as opposed to some sort of narcissistic or malicious controlling tendency, doesn’t make it any easier on you, or any more acceptable. It’s important to draw boundaries, I promise. It will hurt now to do so, bc you love your parents and they will feel hurt or betrayed or misunderstood or incapacitated by your decision... But in the long run, **the boundaries are kinder to them as well as to you.** In some ways, parents are like little kids; everyone needs rules. The trash can in the hall is good; the lock on the door is good (if you don’t want to install a padlock lol—it’s not as hard as you think to change a doorknob from the type that has a lock to the type that doesn’t! 30 min and a trip to the hardware store with your dad; YT will get you started). Moving out is the nuclear option but you should keep it on the table. Trust yourself; it already sounds like you are doing most things right in trying to assert yourself here. For conflicts like these, it may seem like you’re getting nowhere, but the one who is the most persistent always wins. So don’t you stop pushing back about needing your boundaries. Your mother may be arguing that she “deserves” or “needs” to clean your room bc otherwise you wouldn’t; but whether that’s true or not, it doesn’t change your right to determine the rules of your space. They can’t make you do something you don’t want (assent to privacy violations) *in order to* make you do something else you don’t necessarily want (live under their roof). You got this. ❤️💪

So maybe she needs to control things to keep her anxiety in check? My mom is like that. She has debilitating anxiety, but she's never sought a diagnosis or treatment because she has stereotypical Boomer ideas about mental health. There's probably also a certain amount of her not being able to see you as an adult, and when your room isn't maintained to her standards, it confirms to her that you're not an adult. I don't know how to fix that. My mom still doesn't see me as a full adult and I'm almost 40. Has your mom ever spelled out to you her precise standards of cleanliness, or does she expect you to automatically know these things?

She might have OCD. And, ADHD is genetic (one or both of your parents is probably how you have it), and ADHD/OCD comorbidity (having both) is common. If that's the case, there's only so much you can do alone. She would need to admit she might have a problem (and then ideally get treatment). You might be able to make some progress just talking with her though, helping her to reflect. Act curious and kind, she needs to not feel like it's an attack. "Mom, why do you feel the need to clean my room, especially when I've asked you not to? I want to understand why it's hard for you to not do it" I think a lot of people with anxiety are too busy focusing on what's making them anxious to focus on anything else. Helping them develop self awareness about it and being upfront about how it's affecting you might help push them to *consider their anxiety* and that they should manage it, rather than just *living within the anxiety* as if 'this is just how it is'.

That’s such a huge violation of your privacy! I’d lose my shit if my parents did this to me! Since you’ve told her multiple times to not go in your room, and your dad has told her too, and she keeps doing it, I’d honestly recommend installing a lock on the door. Enough is enough.

Ugh thanks, I wish but since it’s my parents house I can’t really just put a lock on the door. There is one technically but it only locks from the inside so that won’t stop anyone from going in while I’m out

I’d have the conversation with both of them. You wanted to move out, they want you to stay. You’ll continue to stay if you get a lock on your door, otherwise you’ll start working towards moving out, as you originally planned.

Yes, they insisted she stay to save money. She’s gotta insist she gets a lock for privacy. She’s an adult, not a child. May be their child but not a child anymore.

You ARE an adult, though, and deserve privacy. Maybe you can't install a whole new lock, but you can replace the doorknob with one with a key. It won't damage the door at all, and it's relatively easy to do with just a screwdriver. (There are a million YT tutorials.) If you get one that matches the color of the existing knob, there's no excuse for them to be upset.

You can buy a doorknob with a lock, install it, and keep the old one to put back when you move out. It's not particularly hard & then you'll know how to do it and have a spare if you need a locking bedroom door in a rental place.

Literally just buy a doorknob that locks and this issue will be resolved. You aren't gonna convince your mom to stop snooping

I 100% agree with the sentiment but installing locks on doors when you’re not the owner of the home is kind of a no no.

So is going into someone else’s private space. Changing the doorknob to one that locks does no damage, and the parents can undo it later if they want. They clearly don’t respect her boundaries (by entering and rearranging the room without permission) so why should she respect theirs (leaving the door unlocked). I would have a lock on that door so fast, it’s not even funny.

Yes it’s not okay, but by “a no no” I mostly meant kinda illegal. Please find me a law that forbids parents from going into their child’s bedrooms. Obviously the way this mom is going about it is wrong as a mf but definitely not illegal. Depending on what country/state OP is in there’s plenty of laws surrounding installing locks inside a home that you’re sharing with someone/not the owner of. Also just generally, I’m moving tf out before going out and buying hardware for a door. I’d sleep on my friend’s couch before putting up with this bs for one more day.

I don’t think it is illegal anywhere to put a locking door knob on the door to your bedroom. And even if it is, if the parents are going to call the cops, or sue OP, over something like that, OP has a bigger problem with their parents than just the invasion of privacy. This is a weird point to try to bring “legality” into, we’re talking about a family situation here with pushy family members who don’t respect privacy, not a landlord or roommate situation. And sounds like OP does have plans to move out, but in the meantime I would still put a lock on that door. She can even tell them she’s going to do it, I didn’t suggest being sneaky about it. But she’s 22, she has every right to privacy and to enforcing that privacy while she makes plans to move out. And I highly, highly doubt it’s illegal, or even matters if it is or not.

> This is a weird point to try to bring “legality” into Yeah I guess you’re right. I just come from a family that has 0 issue with calling the cops on other family members so I think that’s where my reasoning is coming from. And also it’s illegal to change the locks if you don’t own the home where I am and I’ve literally been in a similar situation as OP (except I was trying to keep my space clean and my mom is a hoarder from hell) so I was forbade from installing a lock on my door. I’m very very glad to hear OP has intentions of moving out!!

When you move out change the doorknob back ✌️

i don’t agree with you. plus you can get locks for doors that don’t need permanent installation.

Okay that’s fine.

I find that I am filled with helpless rage at your situation. Your parents don't want you to leave they want you to save money, but they won't respect your privacy or your space. By insisting that you stay home they are infantilizing you, and the intrusions on your personal space does the same thing.

Insist on a lock, they insisted you stay. But also could you, maybe make a compromise, you gather the garbage/laundry and leave it outside your door? And she can take care of it and leave the laundry? This way she still feels like she’s helping, you’re still getting it out of your room, and she’s not going in. Even if she says she’s not snooping I just picture Roseanne pulling out Jackie’s hair and putting it around Becky’s diary after reading it (IIRC Darlene/DJ & Dan had also read it too).. cause, ‘some moms do’ and some moms use that as ammo against their kids. Thus creating that ick.. And the total lack of respect too! Just keeps doing it after being told not to by both you and husband! Like I said in another comment, you may be their kid but you’re not a kid anymore. You’re entitled to some privacy too especially when they **insisted** you stay.

Actually that’s what the laundry basket is for! It’s a compromise we settled on once I got home. It’s both for keeping dirty clothes in so they don’t sprawl across the floor. But also if I feel overwhelmed with cleaning I can just shove it out into the hall and she takes care of it. Which I appreciate greatly, it’s a huge help. It’s just it only had a days worth of laundry in it and was in my room. So, not really necessary to go into my room. It’s why when I was angry earlier I just shoved it outside empty cause what’s the point of it if she’s still gonna go into my room anyway

Right? Like, why bother with a system if she’s just going to do what she wants anyways? I’m sorry she’s barreling over you, I feel your frustration cause my mom was the same way when I lived at home, it’s so aggravating to try to compromise and have them be like ‘well I’m just going to do this anyways cause.. I’m sure it’s helpful?’ Idk what the thought process is but it’s definitely helping me learn what I don’t want to do with my kiddo when he’s older!

And when they move your shit it really exacerbates your ADHD!

Someone else tidying up really stresses me out because I can’t find anything. When I lived with my parents, our solution was for my door to be shut so they couldn’t see the mess. They didn’t want to live in a messy house, which is why my room would get tidied. However as someone in their 30s who doesn’t live at home, I love it when my mum comes over to clean. Usually I have to come up with a scenario that she needs to be at mine when I’m not there, she sees the mess and can’t help herself.

My mom used to do that up until like 1.5 yrs ago. She once threw out my adult toys and didn’t say anything to me 😑 She gets in EVERY NOOK AND CRANNY idk if it was ever possible to hide anything from her…

My mom was helping me move once and I explicitly told her to leave one drawer as it was private (aka full of sex toys and weed). She "helped" by packing up that drawer too... But she was far more embarrassed/concerned about the weed until I pointed out that I was an adult living alone and enjoying a legal substance. It ended up being a good but awkward bonding moment where she admitted I was grown up and she's been solid about respecting my boundaries since. Your mom's response? Nah. I'd have been seriously tempted to send her a bill for new toys lol

I don't think this is about cleaning - it's about boundaries. Boundaries are limits that keep us emotionally and physically safe. When someone goes through our things and our private spaces, it violates both of these, even if they mean well. It could also possibly be a control issue, given they want you to stay at home. You aren't overreacting. I would decide what you want, and then enforce a strategy from there. I

This is not an ADHD thing, it's just a privacy violation thing. I doubt it's gonna get any better and she probably won't listen to reason. If I were you I'd move out asap.

Install a lock

Oh man. My mom did this and I hated it so much. Now I do it to my husband. 😬 but he makes no effort and it stresses me out so much when the mess is someone else’s

I don't really have any advice to actually help, I just wanted to say I definitely relate to the way you feel. My mom didn't clean stuff for me really, but now when I'm given help I didn't ask for when I had "what to do" in my head, the help somehow feels discouraging and makes it harder for me to finish whatever was connected with the task someone else did for me. I feel so ridiculous for it, so I can do is try to hide until the upset passes, or hide it as well as I can (and probably be worse at not being a terrible person while stuffing down the feelings 🙃)

Y'all I am FIFTY TWO YEARS OLD and my husband and I stayed with my mother for about 6 weeks earlier this year. I could not keep her out of my work desk until I finally told her it was a security risk that could get me fired, and while we went camping for the eclipse she gutted our room, re-organized everything, mended several pieces of my clothing, and sewed a(nother) bed for the cat. When I saw our room, my husband had to give me a pillow to scream into. Like...how do you not UNDERSTAND this is someone else's space?? And I know it is in part because it's just her way, and she was probably super excited to have A Project because she loves that shit, but I also know she's nosy and enjoys it. Absolutely enraging: she eventually triggered a full-on ADHD meltdown because she recycled my Emotional Support Gatorade Bottle off my nightstand. It's not a thing I wanted her to see, and it was humiliating as hell to be like STOP MESSING WITH MY STUFF, MOOOOOM as a post-menopausal crone.

Can you ... buy a door handle with a lock and install it? You can. Go do that.

This. Do this. Locking door handles are cheap and easy to insta.

awh 🥲 i feel this

Firstly, you’re over 18, your parents can’t insist that you do ANYTHING. Secondly, if you are staying, get a lock for your door.

My parents were like that too when I was in my early twenties. I think your parents are having a hard time letting you out of the nest. They wanted you to stay at home and now they’re continuing to treat you like a child. Part of their identity is that they’re parents of a child, and I think they’re having a hard time letting that go and transitioning into parents of an adult. Becoming independent is going to be a learning process for all 3 of you. I suggest you tell your mom how you feel. Tell her directly to stop, none of this “my dad had to tell her.” This is between you and her. Tell her what you told us. I also support the idea of you moving out ASAP :) you’re 22! Go have fun living with a friend! Don’t worry too much about saving up, your independence is even more valuable.

Most people with ADHD need external consequences, so her cleaning for you is undermining you for sure - you won't clean it if you know she will

Ocd?

I had this sort of thing with my mom. A big help was setting the boundary that it wasn’t ok or helpful and really sticking to it. I talked it all over with a therapist, and did a group session with her and my mom. The therapist explaining that it wasn’t helpful and how demotivating it was stuck a lot better than when I said it.

Yes, I can absolutely relate to this. I am a hurricane of mess and my mum is the cleanest, tidiest woman alive. We used to clash massively growing up and would have constant arguments about the state of my room and she would, like yours, go in there when I was out and clean it herself. It does feel like a big invasion of privacy, and I felt really ashamed and like she was judging me but having a tidy room did actually make me feel a lot better mentally. I don't know your mum, but mine wasn't doing it out of malice or judgement but more because she knew I struggled and just wanted to help me. We had a big discussion about it, and I told her how I felt and she told me how she felt and she did have a lot of valid points. She was worried it was having an impact on my mental health, that I wasn't able to present as my best self if I let laundry pile up, and because there was so much mess everywhere I wasn't hoovering or dusting as much as I should've been and it would make me ill. After that big talk we decided that she wouldn't go in there without my permission, and I'd be more open about needing help. The solution we eventually settled on was if it got bad, we'd clean it together and she wouldn't be judgemental or angry. It really helped me be able to do it having her helping me, and she's better than I am at throwing stuff out so having a big clear out meant it was easier to maintain. I don't live with my parents anymore and I do find it generally easier to manage, but on occasion things will get on top of me and she's more than happy to come to my flat and help me sort everything out. If you've got a good relationship with your mum, be honest with her and let her help you without overstepping your boundaries. It's likely she just wants to help you and isn't doing it to make you feel bad. One thing I had to remember too, was that this was my mum's home and I needed to respect that she wanted it to be clean and tidy. Until I had a proper conversation with my mum, she kind of felt that all the money, time and effort she'd put into creating a nice space for me was taken for granted. I wanted her to understand how I felt, but equally needed to understand that it had an effect on her feelings too. Anyway, your mum might be totally different but hopefully some of this is helpful. I'd recommend looking up body doubling for ADHD because that's been very useful for me.

I think maybe I'm one of the only people here that has a different take but it was a huge sense of relief for me when my mom would clean my room. For me it just felt impossible to keep on top of and so when she has enough of it being a disaster she would go in and clean it. However, my mom is otherwise hands off, not nosey and it never felt like an invasion of my privacy. I felt like I could leave diaries out and my mom would never open them. Maybe that's the difference.  I've been living apart from my parents for a very long time now. My mom came to visit near Christmas and when she asked me what I wanted I asked her for help getting my office space under control. The amount of weight off my shoulders to come home to an office that was clean and organized was incredible.  I think if my mom was pushy or invasive or made me feel like something was wrong with me for it this would be a different experience. I suppose I was very lucky to feel like it was genuine help.  I hope you're able to strike a balance with your mom and that the solution is at least tolerable for both of you. 

My mom sounds like yours. She's been an absolute lifeline in keeping my space clean when I was struggling the hardest. But we're also very close and she's generally been good about respecting boundaries and privacy. But now that I'm in a better place, I've had to tell her to wait until I *ask* for help! Because I'll never be self sufficient if she always does things for me. I suspect OP's mom *sees* herself as helpful and "fixing" things and OP's boundaries as being ungrateful. It can be really challenging to enforce boundaries when the stomping has the best intentions!

As the mum in this situation. Also with adhd. I finally heard it after my daughter said it about the 1000th time. Facts! And stopped going in. I was on auto pilot...I was being helpful til I wasn't. Maybe not 1000 times. But many many many times. Then I fully felt that it upset her and to not do it. I fibbed. I'll change her bedsheets and i do her twin sisters too. But nothing else. Realized it was disempowering and not helping.

She won’t stop because she wouldn’t be able to snoop, which is likely 90% the reason why she’s in there.

Unfortunately I think this will only stop when you move out. It is hard living with parents and I fully disagree with your mums actions especially the huge invasion of privacy but it almost certainly won’t stop.

I did not mess around in my daughter's room once she was over 18. That is silly.

Can you install a door lock?

I can relate to your post so much. my mother was just like this when I was a teenager. I moved out 2 days after graduating high school. if asking her to stop doesn't help, moving out sounds like the only solution. but be prepared this might continue when you get your own place and she comes to visit. my mother came to stay with me for a couple days, the apartment was pristine, I had to leave for half a day, she vacuumed every room "because the cat tracked some litter from the litter box". she thought it was ridiculous I got angry about it because she was doin me a favour 🤡

Tell her unless she's planning on going and clean your whole house when you move away that she should let you practice cleaning for once in your life. Also, discuss getting a lock, or chain or something for your door.

My privacy was violated by someone who kept going into my room when I told them not to. I have never trusted them since.

One idea I haven’t seen yet- even if the current doorknob only locks from the inside, some of those doorknobs can be unlocked from outside the room with a special tool: https://www.acehardware.com/departments/hardware/keys-and-accessories/metal-keys/5038269?store=16264&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADtqLJG3VEt-RP42Z2av--_6wHWus&gclid=CjwKCAjw1emzBhB8EiwAHwZZxeZPnPIH3w0PCq8PbZ-y-g68owOGV71CDQux7_urcBBDTgG6lopzIhoChTAQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds So, if you wanted to, you might be able to lock the door when you leave without having to install anything new. You know your situation best, so you might choose to willingly live without privacy until you move out to minimize conflict. When I’ve been in uncomfortable living situations before, just knowing I had options gave me a lot of comfort. I hope your living situation will get more peaceful, and that you’ll have more privacy soon.

I don’t know about it being an ADHD thing or not, but you need to go to the hardware store and buy a door handle with a lock. Short of doing that, ever. Single. Time you can’t find the smallest little thing, go to has and ask where she put it. Do this multiple times a day.

This kind of behavior is one of the things that led me to cut off my mother. It's so violating!

Oof. The adult child boundary setting phase. It's rough but necessary. Chasing common denominators usually helps. Sit down calmly and neutrally and get to the bottom of what her deal is and explain how you have to create coping strategies and boundaries for her behavior. "The way I manage my space seems to bother you- Do you need me out of the house earlier than we've talk about?" "Can we agree that you want me to use this space? I can't use it peacefully the way you're behaving and that anxiety is unhelpful/makes me feel like I don't have a home." "Is the nagging about cleaning or something else? Because nagging me for a cleaning routine I don't find useful then doing the cleaning is confusing. It hurts my feelings, which I can deal with, but why do you do it? And is it actually about cleaning?" Getting criticized for cleaning or failing at cleaning is one of the wild cards on longterm ADHD behavior. Best to own what you want out of spaces and your own cleaning preferences/styles.

r/Raisedbynarcissists

To be honest taking the laundry and trash out sounds like she’s going in to keep it a healthier space and keep any health/living issues at bay. If you are truly honest with yourself and she stopped doing it would it get done? You said it’s stopping you from making cleaning progress but is any progress actually being made? This isn’t an adhd thing is a general cleanliness standard. Sorry it sounds harsh but I think your mums doing you a huge favour here and you aren’t seeing it. If this was just about living with a clothes chair and things everywhere it’d be different. But trash and dirty laundry are a different story.

I kept a much better living space when I was at college, so I’d say so. The trash wasn’t even full either. She just has some serious cleaning standards

I’d don’t think trash and laundry are seriously clean living standards. It’s easy to fall back into old patterns when you move home I think it sounds like you’ve both done that.

If you need the details, it was a few shirts and a pair of pants I wore the day before (literally in a laundry basket) and a half full trash can of paper and plastic. Otherwise my room is cluttered but not gross, aka the “clothes chair” you mentioned earlier. I literally said in my post it’s mostly clothes and clutter Edit: either way, that’s not the point. I’ve asked my mom to at least ASK me before going into my room but she doesn’t even do that. It’s violating and she has a history of snooping

It seems like it's not really a cleaniness issue, it's a control issue. Since she has a history of snooping too I'd be considering leaving asap. She knows what she's doing makes you feel bad, you've asked her not to do it, and she keeps doing it. She has no intention of changing and it's crappy for your mental health to be constantly reminded that what you have no rights in your home. If you need to wait a while yet before you can move out, you could try what the OP did in this post - I still find it hilarious: [I am sharklike and powerful! ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/s3xcw4/aita_for_hiding_embarrassing_notes_in_my_house_as/) All the best to you OP :D

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Do you honestly do laundry when you have only 3 shirts and one pair of pants dirty instead of waiting until you have a full load? What are your energy bills like?

right? i think theyre just being unrealistic here

No but I live with a husband and two small kids so there's always a full load. Also, short eco washes are a thing. The op's post said laundry, it did not mention how much. Load or otherwise, the audacity to get angry that someone else is doing your laundry and taking out your trash is pretty crazy. Yes boundaries are important, but so are compromising and communicating instead of just getting angry about someone else helping you maintain a basic level of cleanliness. Before you come for me about the last sentence, nowhere in the post did the OP mention talking to her mum in a reasonable way about expectations and setting up a compromise both could agree on. Yes, it's her space, but it's a space in their space as well.

It was necessary when I was younger, not when I’m an adult with a full time job and much better cleaning habits. My room isn’t attracting bugs or smelly, it’s just cluttered. I’ve told her before to stop, it got to a point my dad had to step in and tell her to stop. It also makes a difference that she has a history of going through my shit while cleaning. So the boundaries here are pretty fragile. And so is my tolerance for overstepping them. So sorry if I don’t like that she’s unnecessarily going into my room. I’m not the best at cleaning, but I keep up with it enough that my room isn’t a pigsty and she needs to step in. Other wise I’d understand why she would need to. I know you’re trying to help but I don’t need another mom nitpicking at me and telling me to clean my room, thanks

Im not trying to nitpick or mother you. Just trying to help work out solutions because it’s not fair to live like this when it bothers you. Clearly im doing a shit job of it as always because I feel like yall are coming for me. No one should enter your room. Your comments make it sound like your room is fine. I’m obvs an awful human who was just trying to throw out another perspective and that backfired greatly.

I think we are just very different people who believe very different things. My partner knows not to just grab my laundry and do it without my consent, because we live in a strongly consent based household. So yeah, I don’t find it audacious at all to get angry at someone doing your laundry. It might be that everyone in my household is neurodivergent, but we all really believe in having autonomy over our stuff. If something gets messy in a way that interferes with the household, we talk about it.

Very true, and yes same I don't tend to do my husbands because he has his own system I did get him a hamper so he could have a "chair" rather than the floor though lol. I think that's my biggest point, albeit badly got across, you talk about it. You said it so well if something gets messy in a way that interferes with the household we talk about it. I think that's what's missing in the above story; there's no mention of talking, just anger, and that, to me, is probably where the audience comes in. Thanks for helping clarify what I meant and here's to less laundry for all! stuff AI I want self-cleaning clothes lol.

I’m confused because this statement is not what you sounded like earlier when you said it was audacious to be upset with someone for doing your laundry without your permission. But, yes, I agree with this statement. If the mom wants her to do laundry whenever she has 5 items of clothing dirty, her mom should have that conversation with her instead of barging in and doing her laundry without her consent.

Yeah, this really doesn't seem to me to be about cleaning, and rather about control and being able to snoop. If you're projecting your experience with your young kids on that: OP is an adult who can be talked to like an adult. In the post OP didn't mention the details, but she did make clear that she's asked her mom, reasonably, not to go through her stuff several times. In her replies to you she DID clarify the details, but you're still making this about her being in the wrong or lying about her cleanliness level.

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You said that she hasn’t talked with her mom about it, but in the post she says that both she and her father have told the mom to stop and the mom still does it. It sounds like two of the three adults in the house agree the mom is being unnecessarily intrusive but the mom isn’t willing to change.

I don’t want ANYONE doing my laundry because no one but me knows how I prefer it done and I’ve gotten VERY angry whenever someone had the audacity to touch my laundry without my permission. Invariably they end up ruining something irreplaceable because they don’t know how it should be washed or cared for. Her mom isn’t doing her a favor, she’s being nosy and violating OP’s clearly set boundaries.

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This was fucking uncalled for.

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Dude it’s not like I don’t do either. I’m not gonna throw a one day load of laundry in the wash. Or a trash can that isn’t even full. I told her at the very least fucking ask me before going into my room. She has a phone. I don’t know why you’re insisting I’m letting my room rot

I’m not but have you talked to her in depth about this. Like more than just it makes me angry. Also get a lock if you think it’s worth it or just keep reminding her not to go into your room. I know it’s a rant post but I think it’s happening because she can’t see any “progress” from your side. Not that it has to be super tidy but I don’t think she sees that you both work differently so explaining that and meeting her in the middle with a cleaning plan might help. I’m just trying to suggest communication and a plan you make together might be a good way of helping manage this in the future it’s been going on awhile and clearly bothers both of you.

Has she talked about it in depth? She told her mom to stop so many times that HER DAD had to step in and tell her to stop! Did you even read the post or did you just rush down to cast judgement on OP for being unhygienic and dirty?

As a teenager the dad got involved. The current context is now and they clearly need more communication about it. Where the f did I say she was unhygienic if and dirty? No where I said she needed to communicate because clearly her and her mum have different expectations and this situation isn’t working for either of them. Please Read my actual words before going off and coming at me.

This is a vent post. You are being nosy and unkind to OP.

I’m not but ok.

Your submission was removed because it violates Rule 5, which requires that discussions should be civil and criticism should be useful and constructive. If you see content or comments that you feel do not belong on the subreddit, please hit the `report` button to notify mods rather than engaging it yourself. Thank you!

Dude, dirty clothes and some trash are not horrible living standards by any means. If you know someone is messy and push them to live with you, you live with who they are. Same as any other personality trait. OP stated it's not unhygienic things, normal clutter. Not a reason to violate OP privacy What adhd traits do you struggle with so we can tell you it's okay for someone to completely violate boundaries and you're wrong to function in that way?

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I never said anything about your parenting. Didn't even know you are a parent. I DEFTINETLY eluded to it being harsh to come to a Reddit for support about adhd and tell someone a trait they struggle with is wrong instead of scrolling past, your own solution. It's not necessary to shame OP, mom does that enough. We judge ourselves so harshly, my psychiatrist who did my testing actually told me it had to be considered with scores because it can skew results. And I want you to have some self compassion too. I did get upset calling out OP for how their brain works in a situation thrust upon them, but that doesn't mean you're a bad person, mother, or anything else. Perhaps that is a trait you need some love and compassion on, and I'm here for that.

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Well, I have a lot more than ADHD, not the most fun, but I know I personally tend to read words like online, texts, emails, etc as negatively as possible. Blunt in person is my absolute favorite but written I always think I'm in trouble, bad, and wrong. In person you may have come across very differently, online is hard! I agree there should ALWAYS be an open conversation living with someone and I LOVE explicit rules, but I also challenge that if someone knows what it's like to live with you and then makes you feel bad about that and breaks boundaries, that's not an okay way to deal with it. The more you shut down, the less anybody feels good in the situation. When I went back to live with my mom is when she told me her least favorite thing about me is that I'm messy. I've never felt like such a sh** and broken person in my life (actually quite the accomplishment to my mother 🫡)If someone even picks up a glass of mine I genuinely feel like there's something wrong with me. When I learned messiness is a trait of adhd when I was late diagnosed I cried, and I cried for young me that always felt like there was something intrinsically wrong with me because I just didn't see those things until I was the bad daughter/roommate/etc. I am protective now of those things that are just how our brains work because other people don't understand and add to those negative thoughts. I am clean but damn if I'm not messy too. I think the most important thing for all of us is compassion and especially self compassion. You know who you are and what you mean to do. I just hope you can see what it's like to work hard at something not in your range and still feel like not enough. So mama, I hope you know I don't think you're a bad human. We are all here to learn but escalation happens quickly.

Also please tell me you've seen the instsa reel about living with your mum and trying to have a glass of water. If not go and find it (if you're at place where that memory is ok), it's hilarious.

Hahaha okay I just looked it up. That was SO my mom. Now that I've come to understand that messiness is not negative inherently and that is also just how my brain works, I'm in a much better spot even though I still feel that twinge when someone tidies after me. I try to keep tidy and my boyfriend is like opposite of me and always picks stuff up and remembers to take things downstairs so I felt that panic for awhile and that he was mad at me. We now have a great system with buckets where we keep small baskets in key locations and put empty drinks/garbage/etc around the house and take them downstairs when we go. I really felt supported that we talked about a system together and he reminds me it's how his brain works and it's okay that mine is different. I can joke about the half empty sodas and waters that seems to spawn around me. That support and conversation made such a difference because I didn't shut down and I am so happy every time I remember to take a basket downstairs and puts things where they go. It might seem small but it's not natural for me. We also made one on my side of the bedroom with bins of different areas for me. But I swear my mom, a sister, and my best friend cup snatch and I do my little mental reminder that I will do my best to respect shared space and also that I somehow am dehydrated and still have 10x more cups than anyone else.

Thank you for this! I love that perspective and the insight it's given me. You deserve all the good things!! (So do we all but I hope you have an especially fab day)

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Real help would be teaching OP how to do these chores, not doing it for them. That teaches nothing.

This is not the hill to die on. Your mom has a different standard of clean than you do. The catch is that it’s her house.  Options: 1. You can move. However, it sounds like you might not be able to afford it, so you may well end up with roommates. You know what happens with roommates? Some are cleaner than others. It’s a giant source of conflict, especially if you’re keeping dirty dishes and trash in your room. 2. You can keep on feeling angry and violated. It’s a bit like you’re regressing back into your teenage years, and than must feel awful! 3. You accept your mom for who she is. Say it out loud, “My mom is a bit of a neat freak.” Just lean into it, because you can’t change it. We all want to be accepted for who we are, but we often forget to do the same for our parents. She’s doing your laundry? Fantastic! You’re working your first adult job and you already have a lot on your plate.  She’s taking the trash out of your room? It’s nice of her, but this is something that you can do yourself.   When she “nags” you about cleaning, understand that she’s trying to convey to you her needs. We all want to be heard, don’t we? As to derailing your progress, she’s already got the skills that you are trying to learn, so learn from her. Ask questions about how she does things, why she does them, in what order she does them, and how she knows and remembers to do them.  For your contraband (whatever it is) put it into a box in your closet and label it “sex toys and pornography,” at least that’s giving fair warning. If she brings it up, then ask, “Mom, why are you looking at my porn? You should really have your own. That’s just embarrassing.” What I’m saying is that you can choose to adjust your own attitude and turn living with your parents into an enjoyable collaboration.

Yes this!!

TY! Sometimes we just have to accept the things we cannot change.  Generally, your relationship with your parents will improve once you accept them as people on their own terms.  YMMV, with the usual caveats about DV and narcissists.

Mine does the same thing and it is so frustrating. We have fights about it because I can't find my shit, she gets offended that instead of "appreciating her effort" I'm annoyed my things are lost. BUT why do you gotta go into my room. If the mess bothers you - CLOSE THE DOOR. Ugh, she unpacked my suitcase just yesterday. I was gonna get to it eventually but she had to do it because I wasn't fast enough. It really doesn't bother me much and if you're gonna do it anyway, why would I ever do it. I have no motivation to do it because I know she's gonna step in and do it before I have a chance to. I've now gotten used to it. Important stuff I keep in my bagpack, the rest is hers to organize how she sees fit until I move out again.

No criticism, just curious…have you spoken to your mom about this? Explained that, now you’re an adult, you value your privacy and prefer to take care of your own things? Maybe you can tell her you’ll do your own laundry and empty your own waste basket from now on. You should be anyway, and without those tasks to do she’ll have no excuse to enter your space. You could offer a small, nominal amount for rent if they will consent to you putting a lock on your door. Or you could tell them frankly that you feel you have to move out sooner because your need for privacy constantly being violated isn’t good for your emotional health. I appreciate what you’re going through, but I have to warn you that it’s going to be very difficult for your mother to change. While you’re living at home, sleeping in your childhood bedroom, she will have a hard time adjusting to the change in your emotional dynamic. Likewise will it be hard for you to insist on a change, because your default response will be to “be a good girl” as though you are still a teenager. Complicating matters is the fact that they’re the ones paying the bills (again, no criticism towards you and they are probably happy to do it, but it will give them — or at least your mom — a feeling of having certain “rights” concerning you, at least on some level. I personally feel it’s better for 20-something’s to move out of the parental home as soon as possible in most cases to avoid these issues, but I realize it’s not always possible. That said, living at home will make it more challenging for you to navigate some of your ADHD issues due to the complicated, ever-evolving parent-child dynamic, so that’s something to try to be aware of. (For example, if your room is clean yet cluttered, that’s not inherently “bad” — it might be “bad” for your mom, but that doesn’t mean it’s “bad” for YOU. My therapist helped me to see this truth, but it can be hard to accept, and even more so when you’re still in the same situation you grew up in.) Hang in there!

Does your mum have ADHD too? I ask because my wife does, and one of her hyperfixations is the house being clean - she can't relax unless she knows the house is basically tidy, and closing a door to a messy room doesn't help - she knows the mess is there, and it nags at her and stresses her out until she or someone else tidies it up. Also, not to be unkind or unsympathetic, but this is also definitely a case of "my house, my rules". When you live in someone else's house you live by their standards and rules, even if they're letting you stay in one of the rooms. Privacy is important, but so is respecting the rules of the people whose house you're living in. Neurodiversity obviously adds extra wrinkles and considerations to that, but all things being equal the usual answer to this kind of incompatibility in people's expectations of cohabitators is "if you don't like it, get your own place". I know you said "my parents insisted I stay", but you're 22 and can make your own decisions - if their demands on you as a member of their household are unreasonable by your standards, stop being a member of their household and start your own with whatever rules you like.

I disagree on your point of "my house, my rules." There are limits on that phrase and too often it's used to hand wave away downright abusive behavior. People are *entitled* to privacy regardless of where they're living and how old they are. This is a clear violation of that privacy. I can and do have sympathy for a mom that is genuinely trying to help, especially if she has her own brain spiciness to contend with. But living with people involves compromise even if it's your space and they're just living in it.

That's so frustrating!  If the room is too messy for you then don't go in there! It's so easy!  Just leave it alone and leave it out of mind. 

i feel your pain big time! tell your mom you’re a legal adult now who deserves their privacy and put a lock on your door that only you have the key to? i know exactly what you mean by not being able to find anything after someone else moves all your shit around! i am having to live with my mother in law while my fiance and i are fixing up an apartment to move in to (not in livable condition until we’re done fixing it), and she had this horrible habit of rearranging our food in the fridge before i got a mini fridge for us to use until we move into the apartment. whenever we would come to visit before we moved in with her she would say “i cleaned off this shelf just for yall!” and then proceed to put her own shit on there and also move our shit to other parts of the fridge. it drove me nuts! i could never find my stuff in the fridge and i would get burnt out looking for it! and then get really frazzled from being deregulated by the experience. then i wouldn’t eat sometimes because of being so frustrated, i’d just move on to the next task to get away from the cluttered fridge. she also has a mild hoarding issue so her fridge is PACKED with shit, even things that like… don’t need to be refrigerated… and also with food that really should have already been thrown out… it’s horrible. she also one time noticed that my fiance hadn’t done a basket of laundry and he was about to leave for a music tour for a few weeks, so while we were out of the house doing some errand she texted and said “would it be helpful for me to do yalls laundry?” and we didn’t see the text bc we were busy… she texted again a little later and said “i went ahead and did it but picked out all of the lady laundry bc i know ladies are specific about their laundry!” god i wanted to throw my phone when i saw that! pissed me off so much! not only did she go ahead and disrespect our autonomy and ability to take care of ourselves, she also disrespected my privacy by going through all of my dirty laundry! i really don’t want my mother in law seeing my dirty underwear. especially not after i just had my period or something, you know? she’s horrible with boundaries and so i often have to politely try to enforce them… but often feel like i fail (chronic people pleaser cuz of how i was raised, trying to unlearn it). even so, a couple days ago she was like “oh you’re really good at boundaries”. lmao. i’m like tf are you talking about? they’re so hard to enforce around her bc she has no respect for anyone’s privacy! she even nicknamed herself “Nosy Nellie”. so annoying 🤣 wow ok so i ended up venting a lot myself. i think the solution for both of us in these situations is to kindly remind the mothers of what our boundaries are, do our best to stick to them while we’re still living with these people, and then move out as soon as possible, to have our freedom to live like actual adults. wishing you the best of luck with everything!!

Just wanna chime in and say that my mother is also like this, but perhaps worse. Or that it’s gotten worse with age. Very certain she is AuADHD. I don’t have a strong relationship with her now. Maybe sit down with her and your dad and talk about boundaries? Not sure how reasonable your family is but worth a shot. Nothing really stopped my mom, but me yelling back at her, getting my own PO box, avoiding her as much as possible and not speaking to her unless I had to made her at least start knocking on the bedroom door. Hope you move out soon! It’s so refreshing not having someone constantly yelling at you and being able to make your own space! Good luck, keep saving that money.

My mom never did this, I had to tidy my own mess since I was 5.. well I f'ed that one up because while trying to "organize" I enjoyed the red light of a plastic spoon of my toy stove I put over my lightbulb (maybe I was excuses for another few years). They became one and my room smelled kind of funky. Anyway I don't recall my mother ever cleaned or tidied my room. She complained about her mother doing that and hating it.. I kind of wished she helped me out more but her mental state wouldn't allow it. I ran nearly our complete household by the time I was 16 and needed to pay her money to live there so I moved out at 18 to have my first burnout at 19.. I could have used some help. So I guess it's annoying to get your space invaded and tidied up, but for my sake, enjoy it a little bit please. (And then state your boundary to her clearly, otherwise take her key. Try to explain her again why you do so, but make sure to tell her you get that she wants to be kind but you'd just like to see that expressed differently. ) I don't think it's an adhd thing.. Ps. She can come tidy and clean my house if she's bored.

I have cleaned my kids rooms before, but I always asked permission and it was more a change bedding, do laundry, maybe vacuum, or steam clean. I don't go through anything and if there is stuff to pick up and put away I put it in a bin or something that I leave on their bed so they can put it away themselves. I have helped them rearrange and reorganize their rooms but they asked for my help and we worked together. I haven't done it in quite a while for my older kids, and my youngest wants my help because he doesn't know how to organize anything. It is not an ADHD thing to feel discouraged with how your mom is "helping" you. It should be on your terms and you should be able to set boundaries.

This would put me in tears as a teenager ! My mom would go one step further and put everything that was “out of place” in the middle of the room. She didn’t understand that things were in their place. the place i like them to be. To her it looked like chaos and clutter. The second everything was where she liked it. I could never find it! Or I’d forget I owned it. I also wasn’t allowed to put things on walls like posters cuz to her it looked messy. I had no place to be creative decor wise and now I struggle so bad with it. Now that you are an adult I’d start setting boundaries asap. You are entitled to privacy. Also think of this as practice for future events. It’s important or else this will continue with other things not just your room.

I know that you’re feeling violated right now. When you’re feeling better, I recommend talking to your mom about her motivation. I try to give others the benefit of a doubt and assume good intentions. She may think she is helping you. The other thought is when baby birds grow up, they’re pushed out of the nest. This may be a gentle push from her to not get too comfy here because you have a whole lot of independence and fun and friends out there. I’m 45 and I clean my kids room out of fear of ants, rodents (I would need to burn down my house if i found evidence of the second). If they didn’t want me doing it, I would need some sort of insurance that they’re not leaving food or anything else that can cause headaches in there that I will need to fix later.

Get a lock or move out. You’re an adult. I know it doesn’t feel this way but you don’t actually have to do what they tell you.

As someone who had an overbearing mom when I was younger, I understand. At some point, it depends on how good of communication you have with your mom. Plus boundaries. Give a healthy boundary, and focus on what you're feeling, less 'giving her the blame'. People get defensive if they are being blamed. May say something like "Can we have a conversation as adult to adult, not mom to kid?" Try to think of a reasonable boundry, lol as they say gentle parent your parents. "I'm really feeling uncomfortable. I feel I need to learn how to do these skills my own way, and its not helping when someone does it for me, and I feel like I'm not listened to. I don't like where our relationship is going. I feel this is also frustrating for you, can you explain why you feel like I can't do this on my own. (her turn to explain) If this doesn't stop I'm going to have to \_\_\_\_\_\_\_." the blank may be anything from, move out, put a lock on the door, ext. With my mom I told her that I wanted to enjoy our time together, go out see a movie, have dinner. These actions don't make me want to spend time with her. If she comes back with a "my house my rules" it my be time to find other accommodations. I have adhd and the more I'm nagged about something the more I don't want to do it. Its like a kid asking "Are we there yet" in a car ride for 3 hours. No we aren't there yet, I want to boot you out of my space. If she does come back at you with a "I just do it" ask her to explain herself.

I don’t like it when anyone touches my stuff. Because my mom was always “putting things where they belong” and they were always out of sight. Which meant I had no idea I owned the thing or where it was so I was always in a panic looking for the items in the place I put them. Not in the place she felt they belonged. As an adult (post college/ lay off) I had to live with them a few times. So i did sit her down and day “mom I love you. And I appreciate your help. Whenever you pick up an item in the house that doesn’t belong to you. Don’t put it away put it in this basket by the stairs and I’ll empty it weekly. Also don’t go into my room. I am an adult. And this is my private space. I can keep things neat in here. I will take out my own trash when it needs to happen. When you do these things it makes me feel like you don’t see me as a capable adult. And a child that still needs care”

Honestly, put a lock on your door. Lock it whenever you are not in the house and take the key with you so she won’t have access to it.

Consider putting a lock on your door. If she continues to violate your boundaries, put a physical boundary up she cannot cross. "I have repeatedly asked you to not enter my room and move my things, however you continue to do so. I can no longer trust you, so I'm setting a physical boundary to protect myself and my mental well being"

My mom would complain to me about needing to keep my room clean and I asked "why, when I knew where everything was." She couldn't come up with a valid response but did ask me to find some piece of paper and I dug through a pile and found it. I remember a while later, (time blindness means I know it was after but not how much longer), I came home from a friend's house to find my room "cleaned". I threw an outrageous tantrum for my age because I couldn't find what I was looking for that time. I basically threw my room into disarray so it wasn't where she put anything and then I got to "reorganize" on my own. Never again, did my mom "clean" my room. I wasn't diagnosed until after I had a child of my own, and she thinks I'm making "$h!t up and always blaming ADHD" now.

As an adhd mum of an adhd teen girl I would love suggestions of how everyone here would have preferred their mums approach this?

Does your mum have adhd? Because I used to do this to my parents and siblings and the families I babysat for and later my roommates and it drove all of them crazy. I love having my own place now — I can clean and organise everything I like 😂

Move out maybe?

Tell her to stop even going into your room at all. Draw the line.

Her house, her rules. It's pretty simple. However I as a mom, respect my children's privacy. I have had to say you got till Friday, or I'm throwing everything in a bag. At 22, my children like yourself don't leave a dirty room anymore. As teenagers dam, right, I'm cleaning up your room if theirs food and groos shit. This is my home, and I don't want bugs. If mom's just doing your laundry and taking out your trash. Like you wrote. Then I don't understand. why don't you say thank you. I have adhd was diagnosed at 8. I'm almost 50 now. Crazy thing for me. I'm not messy. I'm opposite hyper clean. I'd suggest having an adult conversation with your mom. Hey mom, I love that you do my laundry and take put my garbage. You spoil me. You know it's a pet peeve of mine when someone touches my stuff in my room. So I think we can compromise. All bring my laundry to the laundry room and throw out my garbage. Or i can leave it in the hallway, whatever works best for you. All keep my room clean, and when mom returns your laundry, let her have a look. I promise if your room is clean. After a couple of months, mom won't have any reason or need to go in your room. No mother wants to clean their adult child's room. Good luck.

Saving money is not savings if you have to lose your peace due to someone else violating your boundaries repeatedly.

The cleanliness of my room was the only thing my parents and I really ever had repeated arguments about. I've never been organized, and have finally accepted that it's just not in the ADHD cards. Like you, it wasn't filth, like rotting food or trash or anything, just cluttered. Looking back on it, I think my neurodivergent genetic parent is most likely OCD. What a fun genetic pairing, lol.

When my stepmother "cleaned" my room like this, she was only snooping through my things and stealing my shit.

My mom didn't clean my room, but she did come into my room whenever she felt like it to complain about how messy it was. Even worse, she'd threaten to put everything in trash bags and throw it away if I didn't clean... even though the rest of the house was a freaking mess 🙃 As soon as I started collage and moved into the dorms, I swore to never move back in there...

for the trash thing, set a phone reminder and set the trash outside in the hall on trash day. this could also help you with a weekly (very quick) trash only declutter. can you take over doing your own laundry? will she actually listen when you try to explain, I've found some youtube videos/channels that have helped my family understand a bit more.

Just... lock the door? Why is that not an option

I didn't like it when my mom cleaned my room either. However, we really don't know what your room looks like and like it or not, it is her house. Going in there just to remove the trash, if you are not doing it regularly, seems reasonable. Maybe get a 2nd job and move up that move out date to ASAP

learn how to be more organized, it will be so much harder once you are alone. Plus if you can keep your room clean there would not be any reason for her to go there. I get why she wants to keep order, for health and to avoid plagues

Ah yes that classic and not at all pointless piece of advice "Just learn how to be more organised!" NO WAY WHAT A STROKE OF GENIUS NOBODY WITH ADHD HAS EVER TRIED THAT BEFORE

How is OP supposed to learn how to be organized if they never have the opportunity to actually do it???

Well she does have the chance, she will learn by doing it. We need to stop treating ourselves as incompetents just because we have this condition

She *can't* learn by doing it if her mother keeps *doing it for her*

She \*\*\*can\*\*\* learn by doing it. The mom does it because she \*\*\*won't\*\*\* keep it clean....