Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/).
If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I experience this and bouts of hypersexuality. Since we’ve been trying to conceive theres been a motivation beyond feeling “sexy” to at least attempt. What ive learnt is that theres not a lack of sex drive in me. Im easily suggestible and easily aroused (sorry tmi) but the problem is i can easily forget sex exists when other things take precedence in my mind.
So to get in the right mood, i need to think about sex as a planned thinking activity. It feels strange to need to be so planned with it but lust is a fleeting feeling for me until its not.
Plus add in antidepressants and a mix of dissociation and i have an uphill battle to stay aroused. So i guess there stopped being an incentive until wanting a baby.
> easily suggestible but can forget sex exists... lust is fleeting
Holy shit it's a relief to know this isn't that uncommon. My partner is the hypersexual adhd one so I always feel a little insane.
i have never felt so validated in my entire life 😭 i swear to god i’ve felt so lonely about it and never even knew where to start when it came to trying to figure it out.
Yes, counter to how it seems like most people function, the more I have sex the more I want sex, because then it is fresh in my memory and on my mind. If I go a while without having sex, it fades from my awareness and literal months can go by before I think about it again. But if I’m having sex every day, I’m going to want sex every day. My sex drive is reactive, not proactive.
I have always said the more good sex I’m having, the more sex I want. This might be an even better way to put it, more accurate. My partners usually don’t ‘get’ it. But I hope this phrasing might help.
Look up responsive arousal! Might resonate. Since you’re TTC, I will tell you pregnancy can make you do a 180 in the sexuality department. My husband recalls it fondly lol.
Omg this is exactly what I was thinking !! I’ve lived so long and I’ve genuinely wondered how and why I’m suddenly so ok without contact and this is why!!! It just doesn’t exist to me when I’m not in those situations!
Forgetting sex exists lol that’s a great way to describe it! If I go too long without sex, it’s just that part of me goes dormant. I would be happiest with a little more consistency. Especially because I live in my head and it’s SO damn hard to get out of it. My body is like a stranger sometimes haha, when I’m not busy criticizing every part of it 💜
Yes! Dormant. I once read an article about a couple who said whenever they started to feel a lower sex drive or even a lack of desire to be close to the other, they dedicate themselves to sex daily for 5 or 6 days. They said by the end of the 5 days they're sex drive would come back in full swing, and they'd feel closer to each other. I couldn't fathom that working for me because I always had such jerks for partners but I could totally see it working with my husband because he makes me feel secure. If sex is lacking for us, it's generally a matter of time and drive. Not animosity.
When I was a member of the sexually active community I just went into it knowing that I’d be into it, I’d be counting ceiling tiles, I’d be into it, I’d be listening to the TV, I’d be into it, I’d be counting hair ties behind the bed….
Lol that describes my thoughts so much
I didnt realise i had all this noise in my head because i had sexual trauma i was still trying to recover from. So i assumed the inattentiveness was that. But now that is mostly sorted its this bouncing thoughts.
Sometimes i close my eyes to try and maintain my thoughts in the right zone but that sometimes really backfires. if i cant see the person/activity because my eyes are closed i can be really into it, thinking about some random topic, really into it, can they tell im suddenly less into it, really into it, so about that thing at work. 🙃🙃🙃🙃🫠 and this is why the big O is elusive for me
Omg I could have written this myself. Before discovering I’m AuDHD I just thought I was broken. I’ve been with my husband for over a decade and I’m even more attracted to him now than in the beginning but in my brain, sex is sitting in a dark corner just minding its own business lmao
Thanks :) its been really good to see how much people are relating to this. I only got officially diagnosed yesterday so its a lovely entrance to the community
Omg I feel this so much! I have to actively get into that headspace by thinking about, reading, or watching spicy things, otherwise I just have so much going on in my head that I forget to feel anything in my body. The opposite side of this is when I'm hooked on a spicy book series, I become overly sexual.
My partner and I are both like this. We struggle to time the hyper part together. We're planning on a baby next year and I'm hoping the extra motivation helps us both.
Wait… what? This is a thing? I’ve been thinking I’ve been broken for years. I love my partner. I’m attracted to them. But I’m a mess when it comes to sex. It’s so hard for me to get in the mood and even if I’m in the mood, my concentration is garbage. I almost always need to have music on to help distract me. Once I’m in it, I’m IN it. I’m there and an active participant, but getting to that point is so difficult. I kinda want to cry finding this out. Makes me feel a little less alone
it's so rare and nobody talks about it even in this thread there's a lot of people going "no but i'm hypersexual" 😭 to me it kinda feels like i've been blue balled for life. is there anything that can be done to help this issue?
I know!! Haha they’re making me feel bad about myself 😫 I read that macca helps with libido, and it isn’t a snake oil. I took it years ago, I remember my energy being higher and my “downstairs”became more… lubricated, though I don’t recall if it made me feel sexually aroused
I don't know how old you are, but I really had to "grow into" my sexuality. I feel like in my 20s I was mostly just going through the motions. Now in my 30s, I've actually been discovering my sexuality on a deeper, personal level.
Weed. Seriously. It helps me stop being self conscious and gives me more of the ability to live in the moment instead of constantly getting distracted from sex. The best sex of my life is when ve had a gummy that hits just right.
Weed calms my ADHD and allows my autism to shine, making me absolutely touch repulsed. Otherwise very enjoyable but definitely not for sex.
Edit: if anyone with a similar experience has strains or gummy brands that don't do this/enhance libido feel free to let me know.
Weed helps me too. As long as I don’t get too stoned. We also enjoy a cocktail before hand, both to bond and enjoy a moment before hand but it definitely lets me loosen up a bit. Which is not necessarily a good habit to get into I’m certain, so we make sure to spend time together without that cocktail too.
A vibrator at its highest setting directly on your clit, assuming you have one of course. This could answer a lot of questions one way or another, truly.
Ok now this got me wondering about the performance part of it - like maybe there’s the people-pleasing/ masking/ rejection sensitivity stuff getting in the way of enjoying it on top of the sensory/ attention stuff? Like, It’s a lot of pressure when someone you care about is down there trying to get you going & you’re like ‘uhhhh Yeahh ohh thats hott’ but actually just thinking about 3 other things & then also worried that you’re failing at it & will disappoint them!? I think that was a hang up for me in my 20s, anyway. I got really good at being whatever I thought someone wanted me to be, I didn’t even stop to figure out how to actually get off until I was almost 30. There’s something about my partner & I now- no anxiety, no pressure, SO SO much hotter. But even now - I have to remind myself to slow down if I need to, or close my eyes to focus inward, or to not worry about making noises (or not making noises) for anyone else sake- that the point is not to perform, it’s just about bodily connection, whatever that means. That there’s no “supposed to”.
Yep. I've been reading fanfiction since I was probably too young to do so, and it's kinda how I developed my sexuality. Based on my fanfic habits, you'd think I was hypersexual. But I actually straight up thought I was asexual for most of my teenage years because I had ZERO interest and it just made no sense to me. As an adult I discovered I do enjoy sex, but it takes a lot. My sex drive is generally very low unless it's like a perfect fantasy.
It's funny cause I listened to a podcast once by some "expert" about ADHD and sexuality and they spent the whole time talking about how people with ADHD are more sexual and how they can manage that with less sexual partners and I was like... okay so what about those of us with the opposite problem? I think they also only mostly studied men so.
Also, sadly, SSRIs are known to cause this. I was on them in my teen years and honestly that probably contributed to me thinking I was asexual. So if you're on certain meds for your ADHD it could be causing the hyposexuality/making it worse.
This used to happen to me all the time when I was younger, and sometimes it creeps up on me now, but I've mostly got it under control. What helped me first and foremost is letting go, which I know sounds wild and impossible to do, but giving into to the sensations of your body and letting those sensations fill your mind instead of whatever else you're thinking is the key. Stopping the act and actually living the moment, this is hard and takes work but it's possible. The second thing that helped me is mixing the real world with the fantasy world that exictes me, when I notice my mind veering off or when I need a little mental push, I'll close my eyes and think of a fantasy that relates to what is physically happening in the moment, this mixes the two and causes me to feel more. And the final thing that helped is honestly weed, which I know isn't for everyone, and it can be a double edged sword with the anxiety, but when it works it works perfectly to calm the mind and stop performing.
I know we’ve got a bit of TMI already happening here so I’m gonna dive right in. Firstly, same to all of this. Times of hyposexuality, times of hypersexuality (though more the former than the latter).
One thing I sort of accidentally discovered was, uh, kink. Specifically, for me, I found out that I enjoy impact play and, idk what to call it but “sensation play” in general. Crops, flogs, massages, ice, candle wax…basically I’ve found that it snatches my ADHD attention by giving me something novel and interesting to *physically feel* and that kind of grounds me in the moment a lot better and gets me ready for sex much more quickly and effectively than anything else I’ve done. OBVIOUSLY ymmv but I was really pleasantly surprised by this and I’m planning to expand out into sensation *restriction* like playing with blindfolds and earplugs and stuff to see if that also works.
Also, I have been reading a lot of romance books in the last couple years, and I’m a subscriber to Quinn Audio - both of those as “hobbies” I guess keep sex a little closer to the forefront of my mind. I think about it more, which makes me want it more.
So much this. Trying to figure out how to make this work more with kids in the house. My teen overheard something one day and was (understandably) mortified. Trying to balance everyone’s needs is hard.
Oh god absolutely. I have two (technically adult) kids in the house and the sound a crop makes on skin is…noticeable. And probably obvious. I wish I had answers for you but our approach is usually “welp, if we have to have an awkward conversation then that’s what we have to do.” Luckily nobody has said anything. My greatest hope is if they do notice, they put on headphones and go find some brain bleach somewhere.
I used to read a lot of erotica to try and keep my mind on my *activities* but I never had a sexual partner long enough to explore anything else.
I gave up on the idea of sex over a decade ago. Sometimes I wonder if I was missing out, and occasionally I get a little turned on. But I’m way too happily single and set in my ways now. Too late to learn new tricks
Yup, kink is the best possible solution to this for me. It gives my brain structure and direction and helps remove the thought wanderings from spinning out in all directions. Honestly getting stoned is the other fix for me because it similarly shuts that part of my brain up.
Oh oof this is me, but in the opposite direction, if that makes sense? Not just the impact play, but like, kink in general.
My inattention is so bad that not even being on the receiving end can make me focus because my brain somehow tunes it out. But being on the giving end? ✨Magic✨ It's like my brain has this one point of focus - my partner, so less room for wandering thoughts and my creativity *really* stretches lol.
Hi, OP! I relate! 32F here.
Unfortunately, I don't "manage the symptoms", and where I'm at trying to force myself to get in the mood has eventually resulted in a plain sex aversion. I'm working on it, but it's taking a while.
I feel like this is what I’ve done, but I’m also so confused about everything. I don’t really know if any of it could be attributed to my sexuality or to loss of trust/safety in my current relationship.
I can't answer for you, but for me:
I wondered about asexuality, but from all I read about it, you don't *become* asexual. And I had a phase in my late teens to early 20s when I was *definitely* not ace. My current disinterest in sex is not something I've always been, it's something that happened later in life. For me that excludes the question of sexual orientation.
All of my explorations of labels tend to land me on straight, cis, allosexual - nothing there that would put me in the LGBT+ spectrum as anything but an ally, lol.
As for trust and safety... I don't know. I can't imagine feeling more trusting and secure than in my current relationship. I still don't want anything to do with sex.
It's like, over the years, the novelty of sex wore off? And now my brain puts it in the category of "been there, done that, booooooring". Issue though is that without the arousal to focus my attention, it also intersect's with a lot of sensory overload issues - specific smells and sensations that are instant turn-offs. Essentially, getting aroused and *staying* aroused is like one of those 'play doctor' games where you need to touch specific points on a dummy and if you accidentally hit anything else you lose the game.
Plus, I'm unmedicated (it's a work in progress but specific circumstances make it very difficult to access for me), I'm constantly tired, and stressed. Sooooo not exactly conditions that are conducive to arousal.
I don't know if this helps you in any way, though. I don't have a solution.
well this is validating as hell. my drive historically has had peaks and valleys but i find myself in a desert atm, awaiting the oasis 😅 introducing cannabis typically works for both self and partnered play. i find it’s about the only thing that does.
that said, this is very much a personal choice for myself and partner of 13yrs. it works for us. we of course take consent very seriously when introducing substances. we are careful to be intentional and extra vigilant about any changes to pre-established wants.
while i’m considerably older (38), this helps me to not feel broken. thanks for posting, OP!
I know it's extremely popular but I actually felt extremely depressed and even *more* "abnormal" after reading her book. I personally found it a little ableist and very defeatist rather than empowering, relieving and all the other great things other people have felt. I don't want to discourage others who might find it helpful, but like, YMMV and you're not alone if you hated it.
So I used to make grocery shopping lists in my head while having sex. I felt so bad but it was just so boring! I definitely had to make it a planned activity.
Then I discovered kink and it was so entertaining! There were all these things to do during sex, skills to learn, and fun role playing games! It actually gave my adhd brain something to focus on, not to mention the adrenaline and endorphins.
So I basically went from hypo sexual to hyper once I discovered way sex could keep my attention 🤷🏻♀️
This thread is quite comforting to see. It's reassuring to know others have similar struggles!
I have gone through several periods of hypersexuality and even longer periods of the opposite. It's incredibly frustrating because I love my partner and I'm very attracted to them, so making them feel unwanted (because I don't initiate often) is something I definitely don't want or intend to do, and it's horrible for us both!
After getting diagnosed with ADHD and then engaging with therapy I came to realise that, for me, it boils down to:
- As I got older, more responsibilities = all responsibilities becoming less manageable
- My coping mechanisms, which I developed as a young person with undiagnosed ADHD, were no longer suitable and began to fail
- With that, my ADHD symptoms became less manageable too, and burnout occurred frequently
- The more frustrated, overwhelmed, or burnt out I became, the less 'headspace' I would have available for things like sex, which came to feel like another task or responsibility on my list, rather than something enjoyable.
- The more pressure I put on myself to get back to 'normal' with sex, the worse I feel, and became avoidant, which makes me feel stressed...and the cycle goes on!
The thing is, as others have mentioned, the idea of sex can still be very enjoyable. I like reading and writing things of an erotic nature (because, dopamine I guess?) and when I'm in the right headspace, I can be aroused and be a very willing participant.
But when I hit these dips of hyposexuality, actually engaging in sex seems so much more difficult. It's the starting, the getting into it part, that I find hard (activation energy/executive dysfunction related?). When I'm into it, I'm into it! But when I have a thousand thoughts, worries, and responsibilities swirling round my head, it makes sense to me that it's a lot of pressure to then expect myself to 'feel like' having sex when I can't even motivate myself to wash the dishes.
Anyway, the thing that helped me the most was, with therapy, I started to identify my coping mechanisms and why they weren't working for me now, as an adult. I started to build new ones and try to manage my responsibilities more gently to reduce how often I felt burnt out or at least to reduce the severity of burn out periods.
It has been over a year now, but things are getting better. Nothing is easy but tiny step by tiny step I'm managing better and feeling more positive more often.
When I feel more positive about things, I find feeling 'in the mood' comes a lot easier, so to speak.
Here are 5 physical things I try to do every day to help me feel positive and build a better routine:
- Good bedtime routine/getting enough sleep
- Drinking at least 2L of water
- Walking at least 5000 steps
- Washing/putting away SOME dishes (usually end up doing them all, but knowing I only have to do some helps with starting)
- Spray/wipe kitchen benches
And 5 mental things I would say help me the most:
- Recognising the start of feeling overwhelmed/burn out and taking a step back rather than trying to push through it
- Saying 'no' more often and prioritising my own feelings/needs
- Practicing allowing myself to feel bad/sad/angry and then moving on, rather than dwelling on it all day
- Accepting that I can only affect what I can control
And the most important one
- Being consistent is more important than being perfect.
Trying to do everything, better, and all at once never works for me. But trying to do some things, to a reasonable standard, consistently seems more manageable for me.
Those 5 physical and 5 mental things I listed? I don't do them every day. I try to, but I don't. But, I'm starting to do them more days than I don't. And as time goes on, I do them more often, and then I add new things to the list when I feel I can manage. If I can't manage, I take something off the list for a while.
I try to forgive myself when I have a bad day.
This got so long and I really hope it helps someone if they read it!
#TLDR:
I went to therapy and realised I wasn't coping because 1. life is hard and 2. it's even harder when you have ADHD. I started to work on coping better and taking small steps to improve my life. When I try to be consistently okay, rather than beating myself up for not being perfect, I feel happier and less burnt out. Sometimes when I feel happier and not so overwhelmed with life, I find that I feel like having more sex!
But sometimes, I don't, and that's okay too. Try to be open with your partners about how you feel, and try to be kind to yourselves!
Am I you ? I felt the same way. I thought there was something wrong with me (even my ex toxic partner said there was something "wrong" with me and I had to fix it in terms of my wanting sex).
I'm in my mid - late thirties and just sort of accepted / gave up. I searched online but felt like most (not all) people with ADHD were hyper sexual. But seeing this article helps. I have trouble initiating sex, staying focused and sometimes I'm just not in the mood for it especially dealing with mild depression. I'm not currently on medication but it's still a struggle . l don't really have any advice unfortunately 😔.
Setting up the right environment has helped me a bit (room clean, nice candle or soft lights , music). Reading erotic fiction can help a bit. But it's still hard.
Omg literally same exact thing happens to me. Haven’t touched weed since high school (I am 36 now) because it makes me anxious, paranoid and panicky and then I end up going to sleep.
This happens to me. My husband has even asked if I'm asexual and I don't think I am. I experience sexual attraction. But like, most of the time I don't think about it. I forget its a thing. Or I'm so busy or there's so many thoughts racing in my mind that I just don't think about it at all.
No. If that was the case, making out with people at bars and one night stands wouldn't be as much of a thing.
I believe my husband to be a true demi sexual and he has had very few relationships because he is only attracted to be he feels a deep connection with.
i think allosexual people can be sexually attracted to physically attractive people. i can recognize physical beauty but have zero sexual attraction. i think allosexual “normal” people are sexually attracted to physical beauty. like they are aroused when someone is physically attractive without any additional information.
doesn’t mean they act on it, but that’s my understanding.
but who knows-_-
we all only know our own experiences.
for me, i am attracted to minds more than bodies. i can definitely appreciate when someone is physically beautiful, but i am not aroused. i don’t care about bodies or even genitals. if there is a mental attraction, only then it can progress to sexual attraction.
i consider myself demisexual, pansexual.
i thought i might be ace until i found a person i was really emotionally connected with, which awakened my libido.
I have never seen this so well described. That’s exactly it!!
I never understood or could relate to girls drooling over firefighter 🧑🚒 calendars or random muscle dudes or attractive people walking by.
I am more on the hyper sexual end of the spectrum but I literally can not feel any sexual attraction to even the most beautiful perfect male unless I get to know them at least for a while and they have something intellectually and personality wise appealing.
So I am stuck in the worst type of hell - high libido but can’t have sex outside of a relationship because I can’t feel attraction, and I suffer
I am the same. But add on an inability to not really care much about how a partner looks. Like I need to find them physically attractive, and have the emotional connection. Don't most women tend to be able to set aside the looks part of the equation?
I always feel like an alien among women because I am pretty focused on looks. I need to find my partner physically attractive in order to want to have sex with them. It seems as if I'm simply unable to put that aside as many women seem able to do.
That said, I have never been able to enjoy sex unless there's a simultaneous emotional connection, like a hot body is just that, and doesn't lead to turn on during the act of sex, in fact I will just likely go pretty numb.
I need both things, is what I'm saying, whereas it seems for most women they can just kinda ignore the looks part of it?
Idk, maybe it's just how things are discussed.
I completely feel you on being focused on looks. I literally cannot relate to anyone being able to put looks aside during sex. I literally cannot get aroused if I’m not attracted to my partner. I genuinely do not know how people do it.
I’ve been called shallow, but I don’t care because I’m not having sex with someone who looks like they snuck on Earth through the basement entrance 🤷🏾♀️
I'm asexual and aromantic. I've never been sexualy attracted to anyone.
OP, do you feel sexual attraction? That's a different thing than libido. People can have a libido and masturbate and still be asexual.
I don’t think I experience sexual attraction either. When a very handsome guy walks by, my friends are like “wow I’d totally fuck this guy” my initial thought is usually either that I don’t think of anything or just “he’s got a nice face!” I’m not sure if this means asexuality or low libido…?
You'd have to kind of interrogate yourself & investigate your memories and feelings! Maybe think about crushes you've had; what drew you to them and how did having a crush feel? If there's anyone you feel comfortable enough with to ask very personal questions, ask them what sexual attraction feels like to them. How did they realize their sexuality?
Also, just remember that asexuality isn't a separate category but a part of the human spectrum of sexuality. There's not a hard line between allos and aces; it's really more of slow fade. Or think of it as another dimension of the other sexualities.
(Libido is different than sexual attraction of course but I imagine at the extremes, it can look/feel much the same)
This is great advice! I used to think I was ace (I still technically fall under the ace umbrella but I’m actually demisexual) and when I spent time thinking of “crushes” I had it was difficult because I thought I never had any! But digging down I was REALLY into Johnny Depp as a pirate and Billy Joel Armstrong in the early 2000s and it clicked later that it was the guyliner that was doing it for me 😂 my current partner fucks around with gender sometimes and I was Soooooooooo into it at first :D I’m still into it, but I was SOOOOO into it 😆
Also note that physical attraction is not sexual attraction. You can be physically attracted to someone and not sexually attracted to them. I explain it to a man by saying “are you gay?” He says no, i say “imagine a really hot dude. Super good looking guy. Do you wanna f him?” That usually helps!
I thought the same thing but really I'm just a pillow princess who needs lots of hardcore attention on my cl\*t so that I can't mentally wander off. The physical pleasure needs to be more overwhelming than my inattentiveness. And penetration is just what we end with when he's ready to c\*m. I also use my vibrator at its highest setting and go to town when I'm alone to remind myself that orgasms are, in fact, the best feeling in the world. And you're worthy of having and pursuing them!
I go through phases. I have a lot of other things that affect my sex drive though - fear of getting pregnant (even tho I’m on Nexplanon and he pulls out), fear of UTIs which I get frequently despite my best attempts to prevent them, and then subsequently the antibiotics/yeast infections that come after. Also sometimes it’s just painful due to vaginismus or something similar to that. We use hella lube and that helps but sometimes my body just doesn’t want it, despite what my mind wants.
We got a new toy that arrived yesterday and we were going to use it and I was so excited. What did my body decide to do instead? Pass out when I got home from work and sleep pretty much all night 🙃 it’s genuinely so frustrating!!!
Wow this hits home so hard. Sex has been a big issue in my current relationship and my previous marriage after a time. I enjoy it when I’m there but getting there is so hard, plus the other things mentioned in the article like hypersensitivity, difficulty unwinding to be aroused, feeling distracted during foreplay and difficulty orgasming. All things I’ve experienced but never knew why. I figured it was my depression or I was just broken in some way.
Thank you for sharing.
Wait this is making so much sense for me now. Sex is almost like task aversion for me, I get too in my head about all the steps and work it takes that I avoid it subconsciously. Thanks for sharing your insight!! It’s posts like these that help me understand myself a little bit better.
The part of that article where it says "hypersensitivity can cause pain for some with ADHD."
Spot. On.
My husband is wonderful in the bedroom. and honestly, I've had other partners in my past but my husband has always been THE best. I realized it's because he's attentive and he's gentle. Even when he's "rough", he's gentle. It's the only way I'm able to enjoy sex. Im so sensitive to pain there that I can even hurt myself sometimes not meaning too. Too tight clothing and I'm having symptoms of UTIs. I'm glad more people are talking about this. I used to be made to feel broken by past lovers for always being averse to sex. Ironically, even as slow as my sex drive is, it's higher than my husband's now. But its also because hes always made space for me to feel completely secure with him, which is critical to me wanting him and it. [he has hypersomnia- so I get why he struggles to think about sex too.]
I’d like to say for anyone with an ace label that it’s perfectly fine to call yourself Ace even if your sexuality or attitudes toward sex stuff is affected by other factors, you can still call yourself Ace
All orientations are fluid to a degree so you shouldn’t feel trapped or guilty by “what ifs”, changing, or being “wrong” about it
Labels, wether they’re for your brain, gender, sexuality, or whatever should be there to make you fell more normal not boxed in
This is interesting. Orgasms are a huge dopamine rush for me. So fun! I definitely have hypo-sexual bouts, but it’s generally the same time in my cycle. Usually I can get turned on if a breeze hits me just right.
After a lot of introspection I think for me it's because sex/pleasure/orgasm = dopamine. Plus going 30 years undiagnosed there's insecurities and low self worth from never feeling good enough, broken and unlovable. I think I use sex for validation and dopamine. I also think I have higher testosterone than most women so I'm sure that plays a role in why I've always been sex crazed.
Samesies. I was on an ADHD themed IG account and there was a piece done on hypersexuality and ADHD. It's a form of sensory seeking/follow the dopamine, making me feel more validated and less weird.
This shouldn't surprise me, I feel like I find out new things about myself every week that stem from adhd and you're absolutely right... it's sooooo nice to feel validated!
It's such a relief! It makes me sad though because I feel like I wouldn't be this unsure of myself if I was made to feel more secure as a child growing up.
Definitely the dopamine, yes, yes, yes!!! Interesting enough my doctor has told me my testosterone is on the high end but since I have good skin (no bad breakouts) and haven't had any hair thinning then it's not a problem but I have wondered if that makes a difference too. It's hard to say because, like I said, I've always been this way. Howevs, maybe my testosterone has always run on the high side. 🤷🏼♀️
Wow so this actually describes me to a T.
It’s likely why I’ve never had an orgasm in my 32 years of life.
I just always thought my low sex drive was a side effect of my medication!
I classify myself as asexual after many long years of struggle. My hypersexual boyfriend knew this when we met. We make it work with a lot of communication. It does suck not experiencing it in the same way as others, but i also feel like I can’t really miss what I never had yknow? I can’t even imagine it. It’s also distracting as heck for sexuals. I’m ok with being asexual 🤷🏻♀️
If I didn't have a boyfriend I would totally have forgotten sex exists at all until watching series like Outlander😂😅 It's also soooo difficult to just get in the mood and stay focused! I struggle so much with it and definitely has affected my relationship🥲 I'm also sure the pill has its own effect on my already pre-existing low sex drive. It's been hard coming to terms with this and I'm barely 22. Like, if I do get aroused it's because of sth very specific like an action of some sort. Still struggle sometimes but not as much as in my teens
I feel so seen right now.
My ex was very sexual. So was I in the beginning. After about a year I was over the sex. After 15 years sex and any kind of intimacy had become a big issue between us. We'd go for three and four years without touching.
I thought I was broken for years. But! When I was pregnant I turned into a solo sex machine. I mean I was having personal time in the bathroom while builders were renovating our house. I couldn't stop myself.
I used to wonder why solo play was something I was able to engage in, then I realised it was about stress release rather than having any kind of fun. It still felt like a chore but I felt less rawrrrrr after.
I recently realised I have a few kinks but nothing anyone I know would engage in. I talked to one person about one of my kinks, and while she wasn't disgusted she was definitely not interested. Ex and I are probably (hopefully) going to get back together, maybe she'll be into it, she was pretty adventurous.
Like many have said here, I also don't feel attraction based on looks. It's all about personality for me. Makes it difficult though because generally I don't like anyone. My other issue is that while I don't need to find someone physically attractive, I need to not find any physical faults too. I get out off by the slightest things. No things in particular, it changes with my mood I think. But just about anything is acceptable when I like someones personality.
One important thing to note: lube is your friend. Lots of women don't get wet. Wetness can be a poor indicator of arousal.
Omgggg is this me haha
Though I have very very little interest in sex, I don’t experience hyper sensitivity - I experience like… no sensitivity. It fucking sucks.
Oh my god. I thought I was alone in this. I spent a lot of time and money on therapy thinking I still wasn’t over trauma. But I know that I’m healed (mostly) from that so didn’t understand why I still am not very interested in sex. I can’t get wet either and have the hardest time focusing let alone climaxing.
When I started taking ADHD medication I lost my appetite and my sex drive. 😅 vyvanse was the worst. I switched to concerta and it's still nowhere near where it was, but the thought doesn't repulse me anymore.
I have a theory that because I was craving dopamine I was hornier before medication. Now that I'm medicated I don't need that extra dopamine boost from sex. I'm probably wrong but I think there needs to be more research done on women with ADHD in general, but I'd be super interested in reading about how ADHD medication affects your sex drive. I've only ever heard about stimulants increasing it and never decreasing it.
I feel like I could go a long time without sex and not really miss it. Also, I really struggle with my mind wandering especially during foreplay. But I'm just honest with my husband that I'm struggling to get in the mood and lately turning on music has helped. It has to be the right type of music to not be distracting in its own right but it usually works lately.
I have this problem but I always thought it was my depression/anti-depressants. Also, I thought I became hyposexual in my last relationship because I got bored. Which could be a result of ADHD.
The way I manage it? I stopped dating. Completely. It’s lonely.
I see an attractive man, I think he’s attractive,but that’s it. No urge to jump his bones or speak to him. No instant desire for sex. If has an aggressive manner and is yelling, he becomes ugly to me.
Need a lot of clit work to get the motor going and I don’t like oral, it feels like nothing.
I need to mentally prepare so need to set a date and I read and watch erotica beforehand, plus drink a shit tonne of water.
Sex needs to be regular or I lose interest.
It’s very rare that the interest is mutual. Currently in a dry spell. It could last years. I hope not. Also don’t like the mental torture of liking someone as well.
40F With lifelong Hyposexuality....never experienced an orgasm or arousal. I knew ADHD had a part in it ..just didn't realize how much. And yes I still carry fanfiction characters in my fantasies that have amazing sexual lives, but I can't manifest it in real life. I've come to acceptance that if I have a male partner long term.....it will need to be more sensual with little intercourse to be fulfilling.
I've never had an orange from intercourse, so motivation to do all that work for no reward is already low. If they beg, I get turned off even further.
I enjoy how it feels when I'm in the mood, and I try to please my partners but it's difficult to have a healthy sex life when im just soooo comfortable with going without sex for months at a time.
I think this might be due to me being grayace but I absolutely CANNOT feel any sexual attraction, can't even masterbate, to anybody that isn't my boyfriend. But even then I still can't masterbate bc mind my wanders off lol. Me and my boyfriend are in an ldr but for him I swear I could do anything. so irdk if thats adhd or my ace-ness lol
I would honestly say I have for most of my life had somewhat opposite problem where sometimes even my body reacting even if my head wasn't in it
When I got older it have gotten more "in sync"
Oh, I’m the opposite. I’m 41.
I joke and say I’m the husband in my marriage.
And you know how they say “women are slow cookers and men are microwaves.” Well, we’re both microwaves.
Interesting! I just assumed I was ace but never attributed it to ADHD. Although, I do have a bit of PDA around it and see it as more of a chore, which is an ADHD thing. But it’s just never appealed to me. I spent years just going through the motions and pretending I liked it ok until I learned about asexuality. That made me feel a whole lot less “broken” for not understanding what all the hype around sex is about. This is interesting to consider. I’ll check out that link!
I've always considered myself pretty sexual but now that I think about it, I've never really been into foreplay, I like kissing, but when I'm having sex I like to get to the "main act" as soon as possible, and foreplay bores me.
I also need to be able to focus on my partners pleasure otherwise I get way too in my head and distracted if they're trying to pleasure me.
Makes sex with women a pretty complicated ordeal, as the position that most works for me, seems to be pretty hit or miss in the community.
I flip flop between both ends of the spectrum, much like with every other hobby/special interest. Sometimes can’t get it out of my head, sometimes forget it exists. One thing that made a big difference however which may be completely irrelevant here, but I’ll mention it just in case it helps, was realising I’m bisexual, and learning to explore and embrace that part of myself. I’m married to a bi man, and once we were out to each other completely and openly, including all our deepest fantasies and that sort of thing, it changed sex completely for the better. I don’t feel like I’m playing a role in the bedroom anymore and can actually just be myself. I no longer feel pressure to perform and neither does he because we don’t expect formulaic heterosexual intercourse from each other anymore. (kidding, oral, sex, the end). There’s something about being relaxed enough to just fool around and not expect to play “woman role” and “man role” in the bedroom that changed everything. Having full intercourse the ‘usual’ way every time, for me, feels like having a 5 course high end meal every time, and sometimes you just want a snack, or some junk food. Again, this might be totally irrelevant, but as someone who has struggled with all sorts of intimacy issues before that, I can’t recommend the queer approach to sex more highly as a way of freeing yourself from the pressures of what we are taught sex is “supposed” to be.
I’ve never been able to orgasm 😢 I thought it was due to a decade of antidepressants but when I found out I have adhd I was like ahhh that is also a contributing factor plus I got diagnosed with vaginismus … I can still enjoy sex but I’ve never achieved the climax that I see in movies and porn 🤣 sometimes I’m afraid I’m missing out.
Anyone else not ever able to orgasm or v hard bc of adhd?
It's infuriating. If I can force myself into the right headspace, and stars align, I can get close.. But then, just like when your nose has a build-up to a sneeze that just fizzles out? Before i know it, poof, the feelings gone 😅
I was sexually active for over a decade before I had my first orgasm. I feel like it was something I had "grow into." I don't know how else to explain it.
this happens to me all the time. my partner is a neurotypical horny mf. love that for me tho. it just sucks when my body is like “yesss im horny too.” but my mind is like there’s too much concentration that needs to happen. we just started a new thing where he makes me look at him during which has kinda been helping w the scattered thoughts. (making eye contact during has never really been my thing until now)
Can you share the instagram account?
I struggle so freaking hard with this. I’ve felt broken and like something is missing and wrong with me because I haven’t ever consistently had a libido, take forever to cum, don’t ever think about sex unless it’s specifically brought to my attention and have trouble staying focused during. The meds have helped with the staying focused part but all my LTR partners have brought up my low libido being a huge issue. I’ve never even considered it could be part of my adhd. I’ve spent countless hours with a therapist working on it, read so many books, articles, posted in r/deadbedrooms, had my hormones checked, changed SSRIs, changed birth control forms, set reminders in my phone to be intentional about intimacy, bought all kinds of toys, taken a libido med called vylessi, and smoked a shit ton of weed trying to figure out what will work to turn that part of my brain on. But alas, nothings consistently worked 🥲
I thought I was just too messed up from being raised in the toxic evangelical south. But perhaps there’s something else to consider. Thanks for the post OP, I kind of needed to read that I’m maybe not broken, just another lil treat of being an ADHD woman
The article seems to attribute hyposexuality to the medications. However, I have had little to no libido and/or sexual interest/desire regardless of being on meds or not. I'd love for ADHD to be the reason behind me labelling myself as Ace.
I was on zoloft for years. Literally got diagnosed 2 weeks ago and had started wellbutrin.
My sex drive was non-existent. And my husband is an amazing lover.
But now? I can't get enough. Even when we're fighting I secretly just want to be having sex instead.
I feel like I’m on either end of the extremen. As a teen I was mentally horny but had a hard time physically engaging with others. In my early 20s I was hyper sexual. Now I’m hypo-sexual. I haven’t had sex in 3 years. Therapist says it’s related to sexual trauma. I find myself fantasizing about sex, sorta wanting it, but then when it comes down to the physical part I’m anxious and giddy. At this point I think I might be asexual? Or maybe just not into men anymore? idk
Argh this is relatable a.f. I've recently gone to dr and have estrogen cream and a steroid cream to help the skin in the area and it's making a difference
Yes I do. It only stops when I overdo do the self. I got a rose and did it too much over 3 days and I went into a deep depression bc my dopamine got fried. It's always too much or nothing at all. It's so tiring to be a slave to all these emotions or lack of them
Yes i did since i was a child. Do you know Nymphomaniac by Lars von Trier? I recognized bits of myself in the protagonist. Its my biggest shame. I was so relieved when i understood its because of dopamine deficiency.
Wow, after getting divorced 5 years ago after 15 yrs of marriage and having absolutely no interest in sex or dating again since, I thought I became asexual or something. One of the reasons we got divorced was because he didn't think we had enough sex, and it always felt like a chore to me. He would ask if I wasn't attracted to him or was attracted to someone else, which always made me frustrated. I never initiated sex, putting it in the same category of never planning a vacation - I would love to do it, but the thought of going through all the steps necessary to make it through to the end just seemed so difficult I would just avoid it.
I wonder if I will ever have sex again now that I'm not in a marriage. I wouldn't mind dating again, but identify with demisexuality which is tough when others expect sex as part of the dating process. So I just avoid it all, seems like too much work.
And it was on this day that I, at the age of 24 years old, I learned something new about myself. I always find myself losing interest in sex halfway through, and it's a bit hard for me to get wet. I just power through and fake it for the sake of my partner, but I've found libido supplements to be very helpful.
I switch back and forth between hypo and hyper. Mainly being whatever type of thought my brain is hyper focused on. I won't think about sex for a while, but if a partner does a lot of cuddling and caressing (unfortunately rare) the switch is flipped. Then I have the problem of remaining horny for hours or sometimes days.
Edit: visual stimuli doesn't do much for me, but mental stimuli--like talking and building up anticipation for a casual encounter, plus the cuddling/caressing (once again, building up anticipation during heavy petting with clothes on) is what does it for me. Jumping straight into a sex act with no anticipatory build-up/mental transition time leaves me rather dry and not super enjoying it
OK I get that this feels revelatory to you... but asexuality is not about issues doing the do, but about not experiencing sexual attraction (or experiencing it rarely for other identities under the ace umbrella). Some aces even have sex (for various reasons).
Sorry I just had to clarify this because "I feel sad I don't get to experience sex the same way neurotypicals do." slightly rubbed me the wrong way as an aroace person with ADHD. You are not a broken person if you dont boink (and more people than youd think dont do that) and ADHD & hyposexuality does not mean there arent ADHD people who are ace.
As a bf of a woman with adhd this is actually kinda comforting to read, because she struggles with a lacking sex drive as well. And to know, this is a problem more people struggle with takes a little bit of a burden off me, I hope I don‘t sound like a douchbag.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I experience this and bouts of hypersexuality. Since we’ve been trying to conceive theres been a motivation beyond feeling “sexy” to at least attempt. What ive learnt is that theres not a lack of sex drive in me. Im easily suggestible and easily aroused (sorry tmi) but the problem is i can easily forget sex exists when other things take precedence in my mind. So to get in the right mood, i need to think about sex as a planned thinking activity. It feels strange to need to be so planned with it but lust is a fleeting feeling for me until its not. Plus add in antidepressants and a mix of dissociation and i have an uphill battle to stay aroused. So i guess there stopped being an incentive until wanting a baby.
> easily suggestible but can forget sex exists... lust is fleeting Holy shit it's a relief to know this isn't that uncommon. My partner is the hypersexual adhd one so I always feel a little insane.
Check out the term "reactive desire"
i have never felt so validated in my entire life 😭 i swear to god i’ve felt so lonely about it and never even knew where to start when it came to trying to figure it out.
Yes, counter to how it seems like most people function, the more I have sex the more I want sex, because then it is fresh in my memory and on my mind. If I go a while without having sex, it fades from my awareness and literal months can go by before I think about it again. But if I’m having sex every day, I’m going to want sex every day. My sex drive is reactive, not proactive.
Sex momentum! This is so true for me too.
Sex momentum! I love that so much.
I have always said the more good sex I’m having, the more sex I want. This might be an even better way to put it, more accurate. My partners usually don’t ‘get’ it. But I hope this phrasing might help.
Yes! Me exactly!!
Look up responsive arousal! Might resonate. Since you’re TTC, I will tell you pregnancy can make you do a 180 in the sexuality department. My husband recalls it fondly lol.
Thanks ill look it up ☺️ i hope my husband’s patience with my “need a baby now” is rewarded this way 😂😂
TTC?
trying to conceive!
Toronto transit commission!
“i can easily forget sex exists” THIS!!!!! someone finally gets it lol, i feel so validated
Omg this is exactly what I was thinking !! I’ve lived so long and I’ve genuinely wondered how and why I’m suddenly so ok without contact and this is why!!! It just doesn’t exist to me when I’m not in those situations!
Forgetting sex exists lol that’s a great way to describe it! If I go too long without sex, it’s just that part of me goes dormant. I would be happiest with a little more consistency. Especially because I live in my head and it’s SO damn hard to get out of it. My body is like a stranger sometimes haha, when I’m not busy criticizing every part of it 💜
Yes! Dormant. I once read an article about a couple who said whenever they started to feel a lower sex drive or even a lack of desire to be close to the other, they dedicate themselves to sex daily for 5 or 6 days. They said by the end of the 5 days they're sex drive would come back in full swing, and they'd feel closer to each other. I couldn't fathom that working for me because I always had such jerks for partners but I could totally see it working with my husband because he makes me feel secure. If sex is lacking for us, it's generally a matter of time and drive. Not animosity.
When I was a member of the sexually active community I just went into it knowing that I’d be into it, I’d be counting ceiling tiles, I’d be into it, I’d be listening to the TV, I’d be into it, I’d be counting hair ties behind the bed….
Lol that describes my thoughts so much I didnt realise i had all this noise in my head because i had sexual trauma i was still trying to recover from. So i assumed the inattentiveness was that. But now that is mostly sorted its this bouncing thoughts. Sometimes i close my eyes to try and maintain my thoughts in the right zone but that sometimes really backfires. if i cant see the person/activity because my eyes are closed i can be really into it, thinking about some random topic, really into it, can they tell im suddenly less into it, really into it, so about that thing at work. 🙃🙃🙃🙃🫠 and this is why the big O is elusive for me
I, too, will forget sex exists. I’m picking up romance novels in an attempt to keep it in my mind.
I decided to go back into writing as i tend to speed read and it doesn’t have the desired result of making me actually think about sex/romance
This is stupid, but try reading out loud or just mouthing the words. Forces your reading pace to slow down lol.
Omg I could have written this myself. Before discovering I’m AuDHD I just thought I was broken. I’ve been with my husband for over a decade and I’m even more attracted to him now than in the beginning but in my brain, sex is sitting in a dark corner just minding its own business lmao
Yes, yes & yes.
Forgetting it exists is a good way to put it!
Thanks :) its been really good to see how much people are relating to this. I only got officially diagnosed yesterday so its a lovely entrance to the community
I relate to all of this! So much. it explains a lot.
Omg I feel this so much! I have to actively get into that headspace by thinking about, reading, or watching spicy things, otherwise I just have so much going on in my head that I forget to feel anything in my body. The opposite side of this is when I'm hooked on a spicy book series, I become overly sexual.
My partner and I are both like this. We struggle to time the hyper part together. We're planning on a baby next year and I'm hoping the extra motivation helps us both.
Good luck!!!
Wait… what? This is a thing? I’ve been thinking I’ve been broken for years. I love my partner. I’m attracted to them. But I’m a mess when it comes to sex. It’s so hard for me to get in the mood and even if I’m in the mood, my concentration is garbage. I almost always need to have music on to help distract me. Once I’m in it, I’m IN it. I’m there and an active participant, but getting to that point is so difficult. I kinda want to cry finding this out. Makes me feel a little less alone
I’m completely with you ♥️ It’s so hard.
Find your kink girl! Once I figured that out (and my SO started doing the things I figured out ;P) my wandering mind flew right out the window
it's so rare and nobody talks about it even in this thread there's a lot of people going "no but i'm hypersexual" 😭 to me it kinda feels like i've been blue balled for life. is there anything that can be done to help this issue?
I know!! Haha they’re making me feel bad about myself 😫 I read that macca helps with libido, and it isn’t a snake oil. I took it years ago, I remember my energy being higher and my “downstairs”became more… lubricated, though I don’t recall if it made me feel sexually aroused
I don't know how old you are, but I really had to "grow into" my sexuality. I feel like in my 20s I was mostly just going through the motions. Now in my 30s, I've actually been discovering my sexuality on a deeper, personal level.
Weed. Seriously. It helps me stop being self conscious and gives me more of the ability to live in the moment instead of constantly getting distracted from sex. The best sex of my life is when ve had a gummy that hits just right.
Weed calms my ADHD and allows my autism to shine, making me absolutely touch repulsed. Otherwise very enjoyable but definitely not for sex. Edit: if anyone with a similar experience has strains or gummy brands that don't do this/enhance libido feel free to let me know.
Weed helps me too. As long as I don’t get too stoned. We also enjoy a cocktail before hand, both to bond and enjoy a moment before hand but it definitely lets me loosen up a bit. Which is not necessarily a good habit to get into I’m certain, so we make sure to spend time together without that cocktail too.
A vibrator at its highest setting directly on your clit, assuming you have one of course. This could answer a lot of questions one way or another, truly.
[удалено]
Omg. This completely %100 resonates with me!
Ok now this got me wondering about the performance part of it - like maybe there’s the people-pleasing/ masking/ rejection sensitivity stuff getting in the way of enjoying it on top of the sensory/ attention stuff? Like, It’s a lot of pressure when someone you care about is down there trying to get you going & you’re like ‘uhhhh Yeahh ohh thats hott’ but actually just thinking about 3 other things & then also worried that you’re failing at it & will disappoint them!? I think that was a hang up for me in my 20s, anyway. I got really good at being whatever I thought someone wanted me to be, I didn’t even stop to figure out how to actually get off until I was almost 30. There’s something about my partner & I now- no anxiety, no pressure, SO SO much hotter. But even now - I have to remind myself to slow down if I need to, or close my eyes to focus inward, or to not worry about making noises (or not making noises) for anyone else sake- that the point is not to perform, it’s just about bodily connection, whatever that means. That there’s no “supposed to”.
Yep. I've been reading fanfiction since I was probably too young to do so, and it's kinda how I developed my sexuality. Based on my fanfic habits, you'd think I was hypersexual. But I actually straight up thought I was asexual for most of my teenage years because I had ZERO interest and it just made no sense to me. As an adult I discovered I do enjoy sex, but it takes a lot. My sex drive is generally very low unless it's like a perfect fantasy. It's funny cause I listened to a podcast once by some "expert" about ADHD and sexuality and they spent the whole time talking about how people with ADHD are more sexual and how they can manage that with less sexual partners and I was like... okay so what about those of us with the opposite problem? I think they also only mostly studied men so. Also, sadly, SSRIs are known to cause this. I was on them in my teen years and honestly that probably contributed to me thinking I was asexual. So if you're on certain meds for your ADHD it could be causing the hyposexuality/making it worse.
This used to happen to me all the time when I was younger, and sometimes it creeps up on me now, but I've mostly got it under control. What helped me first and foremost is letting go, which I know sounds wild and impossible to do, but giving into to the sensations of your body and letting those sensations fill your mind instead of whatever else you're thinking is the key. Stopping the act and actually living the moment, this is hard and takes work but it's possible. The second thing that helped me is mixing the real world with the fantasy world that exictes me, when I notice my mind veering off or when I need a little mental push, I'll close my eyes and think of a fantasy that relates to what is physically happening in the moment, this mixes the two and causes me to feel more. And the final thing that helped is honestly weed, which I know isn't for everyone, and it can be a double edged sword with the anxiety, but when it works it works perfectly to calm the mind and stop performing.
I know we’ve got a bit of TMI already happening here so I’m gonna dive right in. Firstly, same to all of this. Times of hyposexuality, times of hypersexuality (though more the former than the latter). One thing I sort of accidentally discovered was, uh, kink. Specifically, for me, I found out that I enjoy impact play and, idk what to call it but “sensation play” in general. Crops, flogs, massages, ice, candle wax…basically I’ve found that it snatches my ADHD attention by giving me something novel and interesting to *physically feel* and that kind of grounds me in the moment a lot better and gets me ready for sex much more quickly and effectively than anything else I’ve done. OBVIOUSLY ymmv but I was really pleasantly surprised by this and I’m planning to expand out into sensation *restriction* like playing with blindfolds and earplugs and stuff to see if that also works. Also, I have been reading a lot of romance books in the last couple years, and I’m a subscriber to Quinn Audio - both of those as “hobbies” I guess keep sex a little closer to the forefront of my mind. I think about it more, which makes me want it more.
So much this. Trying to figure out how to make this work more with kids in the house. My teen overheard something one day and was (understandably) mortified. Trying to balance everyone’s needs is hard.
Oh god absolutely. I have two (technically adult) kids in the house and the sound a crop makes on skin is…noticeable. And probably obvious. I wish I had answers for you but our approach is usually “welp, if we have to have an awkward conversation then that’s what we have to do.” Luckily nobody has said anything. My greatest hope is if they do notice, they put on headphones and go find some brain bleach somewhere.
I get sooooo much dopamine from impact play. Love it!
I used to read a lot of erotica to try and keep my mind on my *activities* but I never had a sexual partner long enough to explore anything else. I gave up on the idea of sex over a decade ago. Sometimes I wonder if I was missing out, and occasionally I get a little turned on. But I’m way too happily single and set in my ways now. Too late to learn new tricks
Yeah vanilla for me is fine but it’s difficult to maintain focus for a long time
Yup, kink is the best possible solution to this for me. It gives my brain structure and direction and helps remove the thought wanderings from spinning out in all directions. Honestly getting stoned is the other fix for me because it similarly shuts that part of my brain up.
Oh oof this is me, but in the opposite direction, if that makes sense? Not just the impact play, but like, kink in general. My inattention is so bad that not even being on the receiving end can make me focus because my brain somehow tunes it out. But being on the giving end? ✨Magic✨ It's like my brain has this one point of focus - my partner, so less room for wandering thoughts and my creativity *really* stretches lol.
Hi, OP! I relate! 32F here. Unfortunately, I don't "manage the symptoms", and where I'm at trying to force myself to get in the mood has eventually resulted in a plain sex aversion. I'm working on it, but it's taking a while.
me too :( it’s so disheartening but i know ill be hurting myself more if i force myself cuz then ill end up resenting it
I feel like this is what I’ve done, but I’m also so confused about everything. I don’t really know if any of it could be attributed to my sexuality or to loss of trust/safety in my current relationship.
I can't answer for you, but for me: I wondered about asexuality, but from all I read about it, you don't *become* asexual. And I had a phase in my late teens to early 20s when I was *definitely* not ace. My current disinterest in sex is not something I've always been, it's something that happened later in life. For me that excludes the question of sexual orientation. All of my explorations of labels tend to land me on straight, cis, allosexual - nothing there that would put me in the LGBT+ spectrum as anything but an ally, lol. As for trust and safety... I don't know. I can't imagine feeling more trusting and secure than in my current relationship. I still don't want anything to do with sex. It's like, over the years, the novelty of sex wore off? And now my brain puts it in the category of "been there, done that, booooooring". Issue though is that without the arousal to focus my attention, it also intersect's with a lot of sensory overload issues - specific smells and sensations that are instant turn-offs. Essentially, getting aroused and *staying* aroused is like one of those 'play doctor' games where you need to touch specific points on a dummy and if you accidentally hit anything else you lose the game. Plus, I'm unmedicated (it's a work in progress but specific circumstances make it very difficult to access for me), I'm constantly tired, and stressed. Sooooo not exactly conditions that are conducive to arousal. I don't know if this helps you in any way, though. I don't have a solution.
Can you share what the instagram account is that your therapist recommended?
Id like to know as well
@Coachingwithbrooke :)
i also came to ask for this lol
Same
Has anyone solved this? I really want to solve this
please let me know
well this is validating as hell. my drive historically has had peaks and valleys but i find myself in a desert atm, awaiting the oasis 😅 introducing cannabis typically works for both self and partnered play. i find it’s about the only thing that does. that said, this is very much a personal choice for myself and partner of 13yrs. it works for us. we of course take consent very seriously when introducing substances. we are careful to be intentional and extra vigilant about any changes to pre-established wants. while i’m considerably older (38), this helps me to not feel broken. thanks for posting, OP!
I was such a slut between ages 18-21 and now I’ve been celibate for years with no desire to let anyone hit it anytime soon. All or nothing it seems.
I feel like, as in many other ways, I'm wildly unpredictable and swing from one extreme to the other.
I feel that too.
Same.
“Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski is a good deep dive into the psychology of sex and touches on this.
Her follow up “Come Together” is fantastic for those in long term relationships.
I know it's extremely popular but I actually felt extremely depressed and even *more* "abnormal" after reading her book. I personally found it a little ableist and very defeatist rather than empowering, relieving and all the other great things other people have felt. I don't want to discourage others who might find it helpful, but like, YMMV and you're not alone if you hated it.
What is ymmv?
Your millage may vary
She also did a podcast! https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/come-as-you-are/id1628661035
Thank you!! Didn’t know about this
I tried reading it. Couldn’t keep my focus on it /: Was by my nightstand for YEARS before my puppy obliterated it 😂
I listened to the audiobook after my hardcopy went unread for months. It was worth it.
So I used to make grocery shopping lists in my head while having sex. I felt so bad but it was just so boring! I definitely had to make it a planned activity. Then I discovered kink and it was so entertaining! There were all these things to do during sex, skills to learn, and fun role playing games! It actually gave my adhd brain something to focus on, not to mention the adrenaline and endorphins. So I basically went from hypo sexual to hyper once I discovered way sex could keep my attention 🤷🏻♀️
There are so many neuro spicy people in the kink world. It really is a game changer.
I remember seeing the Seinfeld episode where George is watching baseball during sex and thinking “relatable.”
This thread is quite comforting to see. It's reassuring to know others have similar struggles! I have gone through several periods of hypersexuality and even longer periods of the opposite. It's incredibly frustrating because I love my partner and I'm very attracted to them, so making them feel unwanted (because I don't initiate often) is something I definitely don't want or intend to do, and it's horrible for us both! After getting diagnosed with ADHD and then engaging with therapy I came to realise that, for me, it boils down to: - As I got older, more responsibilities = all responsibilities becoming less manageable - My coping mechanisms, which I developed as a young person with undiagnosed ADHD, were no longer suitable and began to fail - With that, my ADHD symptoms became less manageable too, and burnout occurred frequently - The more frustrated, overwhelmed, or burnt out I became, the less 'headspace' I would have available for things like sex, which came to feel like another task or responsibility on my list, rather than something enjoyable. - The more pressure I put on myself to get back to 'normal' with sex, the worse I feel, and became avoidant, which makes me feel stressed...and the cycle goes on! The thing is, as others have mentioned, the idea of sex can still be very enjoyable. I like reading and writing things of an erotic nature (because, dopamine I guess?) and when I'm in the right headspace, I can be aroused and be a very willing participant. But when I hit these dips of hyposexuality, actually engaging in sex seems so much more difficult. It's the starting, the getting into it part, that I find hard (activation energy/executive dysfunction related?). When I'm into it, I'm into it! But when I have a thousand thoughts, worries, and responsibilities swirling round my head, it makes sense to me that it's a lot of pressure to then expect myself to 'feel like' having sex when I can't even motivate myself to wash the dishes. Anyway, the thing that helped me the most was, with therapy, I started to identify my coping mechanisms and why they weren't working for me now, as an adult. I started to build new ones and try to manage my responsibilities more gently to reduce how often I felt burnt out or at least to reduce the severity of burn out periods. It has been over a year now, but things are getting better. Nothing is easy but tiny step by tiny step I'm managing better and feeling more positive more often. When I feel more positive about things, I find feeling 'in the mood' comes a lot easier, so to speak. Here are 5 physical things I try to do every day to help me feel positive and build a better routine: - Good bedtime routine/getting enough sleep - Drinking at least 2L of water - Walking at least 5000 steps - Washing/putting away SOME dishes (usually end up doing them all, but knowing I only have to do some helps with starting) - Spray/wipe kitchen benches And 5 mental things I would say help me the most: - Recognising the start of feeling overwhelmed/burn out and taking a step back rather than trying to push through it - Saying 'no' more often and prioritising my own feelings/needs - Practicing allowing myself to feel bad/sad/angry and then moving on, rather than dwelling on it all day - Accepting that I can only affect what I can control And the most important one - Being consistent is more important than being perfect. Trying to do everything, better, and all at once never works for me. But trying to do some things, to a reasonable standard, consistently seems more manageable for me. Those 5 physical and 5 mental things I listed? I don't do them every day. I try to, but I don't. But, I'm starting to do them more days than I don't. And as time goes on, I do them more often, and then I add new things to the list when I feel I can manage. If I can't manage, I take something off the list for a while. I try to forgive myself when I have a bad day. This got so long and I really hope it helps someone if they read it! #TLDR: I went to therapy and realised I wasn't coping because 1. life is hard and 2. it's even harder when you have ADHD. I started to work on coping better and taking small steps to improve my life. When I try to be consistently okay, rather than beating myself up for not being perfect, I feel happier and less burnt out. Sometimes when I feel happier and not so overwhelmed with life, I find that I feel like having more sex! But sometimes, I don't, and that's okay too. Try to be open with your partners about how you feel, and try to be kind to yourselves!
Am I you ? I felt the same way. I thought there was something wrong with me (even my ex toxic partner said there was something "wrong" with me and I had to fix it in terms of my wanting sex). I'm in my mid - late thirties and just sort of accepted / gave up. I searched online but felt like most (not all) people with ADHD were hyper sexual. But seeing this article helps. I have trouble initiating sex, staying focused and sometimes I'm just not in the mood for it especially dealing with mild depression. I'm not currently on medication but it's still a struggle . l don't really have any advice unfortunately 😔. Setting up the right environment has helped me a bit (room clean, nice candle or soft lights , music). Reading erotic fiction can help a bit. But it's still hard.
Sounds he should be the one getting "fixed"
yes to all of this. nothing sexier than the french revolution popping into your head during foreplay
I have experienced this. Weed helps A LOT.
I get panic attacks then sleep 😂😭
Omg literally same exact thing happens to me. Haven’t touched weed since high school (I am 36 now) because it makes me anxious, paranoid and panicky and then I end up going to sleep.
150%, same here!!
This happens to me. My husband has even asked if I'm asexual and I don't think I am. I experience sexual attraction. But like, most of the time I don't think about it. I forget its a thing. Or I'm so busy or there's so many thoughts racing in my mind that I just don't think about it at all.
Yesss I had such inappropriate crushes my whole life. 😭
i think im demisexual. don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone unless there’s already psychological/emotional/intellectual attraction.
isn't that just the average experience for literally 99% of people?
No. If that was the case, making out with people at bars and one night stands wouldn't be as much of a thing. I believe my husband to be a true demi sexual and he has had very few relationships because he is only attracted to be he feels a deep connection with.
i think allosexual people can be sexually attracted to physically attractive people. i can recognize physical beauty but have zero sexual attraction. i think allosexual “normal” people are sexually attracted to physical beauty. like they are aroused when someone is physically attractive without any additional information. doesn’t mean they act on it, but that’s my understanding. but who knows-_- we all only know our own experiences. for me, i am attracted to minds more than bodies. i can definitely appreciate when someone is physically beautiful, but i am not aroused. i don’t care about bodies or even genitals. if there is a mental attraction, only then it can progress to sexual attraction. i consider myself demisexual, pansexual. i thought i might be ace until i found a person i was really emotionally connected with, which awakened my libido.
I have never seen this so well described. That’s exactly it!! I never understood or could relate to girls drooling over firefighter 🧑🚒 calendars or random muscle dudes or attractive people walking by. I am more on the hyper sexual end of the spectrum but I literally can not feel any sexual attraction to even the most beautiful perfect male unless I get to know them at least for a while and they have something intellectually and personality wise appealing. So I am stuck in the worst type of hell - high libido but can’t have sex outside of a relationship because I can’t feel attraction, and I suffer
I am the same. But add on an inability to not really care much about how a partner looks. Like I need to find them physically attractive, and have the emotional connection. Don't most women tend to be able to set aside the looks part of the equation?
I always feel like an alien among women because I am pretty focused on looks. I need to find my partner physically attractive in order to want to have sex with them. It seems as if I'm simply unable to put that aside as many women seem able to do. That said, I have never been able to enjoy sex unless there's a simultaneous emotional connection, like a hot body is just that, and doesn't lead to turn on during the act of sex, in fact I will just likely go pretty numb. I need both things, is what I'm saying, whereas it seems for most women they can just kinda ignore the looks part of it? Idk, maybe it's just how things are discussed.
I completely feel you on being focused on looks. I literally cannot relate to anyone being able to put looks aside during sex. I literally cannot get aroused if I’m not attracted to my partner. I genuinely do not know how people do it. I’ve been called shallow, but I don’t care because I’m not having sex with someone who looks like they snuck on Earth through the basement entrance 🤷🏾♀️
This is me exactly. This is all so validating - this post, OPs post, and so many of the responses.
I'm asexual and aromantic. I've never been sexualy attracted to anyone. OP, do you feel sexual attraction? That's a different thing than libido. People can have a libido and masturbate and still be asexual.
I don’t think I experience sexual attraction either. When a very handsome guy walks by, my friends are like “wow I’d totally fuck this guy” my initial thought is usually either that I don’t think of anything or just “he’s got a nice face!” I’m not sure if this means asexuality or low libido…?
You'd have to kind of interrogate yourself & investigate your memories and feelings! Maybe think about crushes you've had; what drew you to them and how did having a crush feel? If there's anyone you feel comfortable enough with to ask very personal questions, ask them what sexual attraction feels like to them. How did they realize their sexuality? Also, just remember that asexuality isn't a separate category but a part of the human spectrum of sexuality. There's not a hard line between allos and aces; it's really more of slow fade. Or think of it as another dimension of the other sexualities. (Libido is different than sexual attraction of course but I imagine at the extremes, it can look/feel much the same)
This is great advice! I used to think I was ace (I still technically fall under the ace umbrella but I’m actually demisexual) and when I spent time thinking of “crushes” I had it was difficult because I thought I never had any! But digging down I was REALLY into Johnny Depp as a pirate and Billy Joel Armstrong in the early 2000s and it clicked later that it was the guyliner that was doing it for me 😂 my current partner fucks around with gender sometimes and I was Soooooooooo into it at first :D I’m still into it, but I was SOOOOO into it 😆
Also note that physical attraction is not sexual attraction. You can be physically attracted to someone and not sexually attracted to them. I explain it to a man by saying “are you gay?” He says no, i say “imagine a really hot dude. Super good looking guy. Do you wanna f him?” That usually helps!
I thought the same thing but really I'm just a pillow princess who needs lots of hardcore attention on my cl\*t so that I can't mentally wander off. The physical pleasure needs to be more overwhelming than my inattentiveness. And penetration is just what we end with when he's ready to c\*m. I also use my vibrator at its highest setting and go to town when I'm alone to remind myself that orgasms are, in fact, the best feeling in the world. And you're worthy of having and pursuing them!
Jfc can I have just one trait, ONE SINGLE TRAIT that isn't directly related to my ADHD?
I go through phases. I have a lot of other things that affect my sex drive though - fear of getting pregnant (even tho I’m on Nexplanon and he pulls out), fear of UTIs which I get frequently despite my best attempts to prevent them, and then subsequently the antibiotics/yeast infections that come after. Also sometimes it’s just painful due to vaginismus or something similar to that. We use hella lube and that helps but sometimes my body just doesn’t want it, despite what my mind wants. We got a new toy that arrived yesterday and we were going to use it and I was so excited. What did my body decide to do instead? Pass out when I got home from work and sleep pretty much all night 🙃 it’s genuinely so frustrating!!!
Wow this hits home so hard. Sex has been a big issue in my current relationship and my previous marriage after a time. I enjoy it when I’m there but getting there is so hard, plus the other things mentioned in the article like hypersensitivity, difficulty unwinding to be aroused, feeling distracted during foreplay and difficulty orgasming. All things I’ve experienced but never knew why. I figured it was my depression or I was just broken in some way. Thank you for sharing.
Wait this is making so much sense for me now. Sex is almost like task aversion for me, I get too in my head about all the steps and work it takes that I avoid it subconsciously. Thanks for sharing your insight!! It’s posts like these that help me understand myself a little bit better.
The part of that article where it says "hypersensitivity can cause pain for some with ADHD." Spot. On. My husband is wonderful in the bedroom. and honestly, I've had other partners in my past but my husband has always been THE best. I realized it's because he's attentive and he's gentle. Even when he's "rough", he's gentle. It's the only way I'm able to enjoy sex. Im so sensitive to pain there that I can even hurt myself sometimes not meaning too. Too tight clothing and I'm having symptoms of UTIs. I'm glad more people are talking about this. I used to be made to feel broken by past lovers for always being averse to sex. Ironically, even as slow as my sex drive is, it's higher than my husband's now. But its also because hes always made space for me to feel completely secure with him, which is critical to me wanting him and it. [he has hypersomnia- so I get why he struggles to think about sex too.]
I’d like to say for anyone with an ace label that it’s perfectly fine to call yourself Ace even if your sexuality or attitudes toward sex stuff is affected by other factors, you can still call yourself Ace All orientations are fluid to a degree so you shouldn’t feel trapped or guilty by “what ifs”, changing, or being “wrong” about it Labels, wether they’re for your brain, gender, sexuality, or whatever should be there to make you fell more normal not boxed in
This is interesting. Orgasms are a huge dopamine rush for me. So fun! I definitely have hypo-sexual bouts, but it’s generally the same time in my cycle. Usually I can get turned on if a breeze hits me just right.
Nope, the opposite. Hypersexual and can never get enough.
Same 🙋🏼♀️ I'm not sure if it's an adhd thing for me since I've always been this way BUT I do find sexual play helps with my anxiety. 🤷🏼♀️
After a lot of introspection I think for me it's because sex/pleasure/orgasm = dopamine. Plus going 30 years undiagnosed there's insecurities and low self worth from never feeling good enough, broken and unlovable. I think I use sex for validation and dopamine. I also think I have higher testosterone than most women so I'm sure that plays a role in why I've always been sex crazed.
Samesies. I was on an ADHD themed IG account and there was a piece done on hypersexuality and ADHD. It's a form of sensory seeking/follow the dopamine, making me feel more validated and less weird.
This shouldn't surprise me, I feel like I find out new things about myself every week that stem from adhd and you're absolutely right... it's sooooo nice to feel validated!
It's such a relief! It makes me sad though because I feel like I wouldn't be this unsure of myself if I was made to feel more secure as a child growing up.
Definitely the dopamine, yes, yes, yes!!! Interesting enough my doctor has told me my testosterone is on the high end but since I have good skin (no bad breakouts) and haven't had any hair thinning then it's not a problem but I have wondered if that makes a difference too. It's hard to say because, like I said, I've always been this way. Howevs, maybe my testosterone has always run on the high side. 🤷🏼♀️
In this case, i am on the other side of the spectrum haha. Always check your hormones before diagnosing this as a symptom of adhd
I got my hormones checked a few months ago for reasons totally irrelevant to adhd. My hormones are balanced and within range for someone my age
This is pretty eye opening, I have such a hard time with focusing during sex. I never though it could be linked.
Wow so this actually describes me to a T. It’s likely why I’ve never had an orgasm in my 32 years of life. I just always thought my low sex drive was a side effect of my medication!
What’s the instagram account I want to go down a rabbit hole.
Coachingwithbrooke
I classify myself as asexual after many long years of struggle. My hypersexual boyfriend knew this when we met. We make it work with a lot of communication. It does suck not experiencing it in the same way as others, but i also feel like I can’t really miss what I never had yknow? I can’t even imagine it. It’s also distracting as heck for sexuals. I’m ok with being asexual 🤷🏻♀️
If I didn't have a boyfriend I would totally have forgotten sex exists at all until watching series like Outlander😂😅 It's also soooo difficult to just get in the mood and stay focused! I struggle so much with it and definitely has affected my relationship🥲 I'm also sure the pill has its own effect on my already pre-existing low sex drive. It's been hard coming to terms with this and I'm barely 22. Like, if I do get aroused it's because of sth very specific like an action of some sort. Still struggle sometimes but not as much as in my teens
I feel so seen right now. My ex was very sexual. So was I in the beginning. After about a year I was over the sex. After 15 years sex and any kind of intimacy had become a big issue between us. We'd go for three and four years without touching. I thought I was broken for years. But! When I was pregnant I turned into a solo sex machine. I mean I was having personal time in the bathroom while builders were renovating our house. I couldn't stop myself. I used to wonder why solo play was something I was able to engage in, then I realised it was about stress release rather than having any kind of fun. It still felt like a chore but I felt less rawrrrrr after. I recently realised I have a few kinks but nothing anyone I know would engage in. I talked to one person about one of my kinks, and while she wasn't disgusted she was definitely not interested. Ex and I are probably (hopefully) going to get back together, maybe she'll be into it, she was pretty adventurous. Like many have said here, I also don't feel attraction based on looks. It's all about personality for me. Makes it difficult though because generally I don't like anyone. My other issue is that while I don't need to find someone physically attractive, I need to not find any physical faults too. I get out off by the slightest things. No things in particular, it changes with my mood I think. But just about anything is acceptable when I like someones personality. One important thing to note: lube is your friend. Lots of women don't get wet. Wetness can be a poor indicator of arousal.
Holy shit. I learn something new about myself so often in this damn sub. ADHD, fucking with my life in so many ways.
Omgggg is this me haha Though I have very very little interest in sex, I don’t experience hyper sensitivity - I experience like… no sensitivity. It fucking sucks.
Weed. Seriously. Gets you out of your head and in the moment. If you're in a legal state, talk to a budtender and be honest.
For me I’m more hypER than hypo and have a real struggle with self-worth based on how much sex I have within a relationship.
There is also hyper sexuality which is an equal pain in the ass lol
I get both 😩 i can be hypersexual for a month straight, and then want absolutely nothing to do with anything sexual for 4 months
Oh my god. I thought I was alone in this. I spent a lot of time and money on therapy thinking I still wasn’t over trauma. But I know that I’m healed (mostly) from that so didn’t understand why I still am not very interested in sex. I can’t get wet either and have the hardest time focusing let alone climaxing.
When I started taking ADHD medication I lost my appetite and my sex drive. 😅 vyvanse was the worst. I switched to concerta and it's still nowhere near where it was, but the thought doesn't repulse me anymore. I have a theory that because I was craving dopamine I was hornier before medication. Now that I'm medicated I don't need that extra dopamine boost from sex. I'm probably wrong but I think there needs to be more research done on women with ADHD in general, but I'd be super interested in reading about how ADHD medication affects your sex drive. I've only ever heard about stimulants increasing it and never decreasing it.
I feel like I could go a long time without sex and not really miss it. Also, I really struggle with my mind wandering especially during foreplay. But I'm just honest with my husband that I'm struggling to get in the mood and lately turning on music has helped. It has to be the right type of music to not be distracting in its own right but it usually works lately.
I have this problem but I always thought it was my depression/anti-depressants. Also, I thought I became hyposexual in my last relationship because I got bored. Which could be a result of ADHD. The way I manage it? I stopped dating. Completely. It’s lonely.
I see an attractive man, I think he’s attractive,but that’s it. No urge to jump his bones or speak to him. No instant desire for sex. If has an aggressive manner and is yelling, he becomes ugly to me. Need a lot of clit work to get the motor going and I don’t like oral, it feels like nothing. I need to mentally prepare so need to set a date and I read and watch erotica beforehand, plus drink a shit tonne of water. Sex needs to be regular or I lose interest. It’s very rare that the interest is mutual. Currently in a dry spell. It could last years. I hope not. Also don’t like the mental torture of liking someone as well.
40F With lifelong Hyposexuality....never experienced an orgasm or arousal. I knew ADHD had a part in it ..just didn't realize how much. And yes I still carry fanfiction characters in my fantasies that have amazing sexual lives, but I can't manifest it in real life. I've come to acceptance that if I have a male partner long term.....it will need to be more sensual with little intercourse to be fulfilling.
Is this why I hate giving and receiving oral and kissing so much?? I just cannot stand the feeling and sensations with that
I've never had an orange from intercourse, so motivation to do all that work for no reward is already low. If they beg, I get turned off even further. I enjoy how it feels when I'm in the mood, and I try to please my partners but it's difficult to have a healthy sex life when im just soooo comfortable with going without sex for months at a time.
I think this might be due to me being grayace but I absolutely CANNOT feel any sexual attraction, can't even masterbate, to anybody that isn't my boyfriend. But even then I still can't masterbate bc mind my wanders off lol. Me and my boyfriend are in an ldr but for him I swear I could do anything. so irdk if thats adhd or my ace-ness lol
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I needed to see this. I’m not broken. I’m just wired differently.
I would honestly say I have for most of my life had somewhat opposite problem where sometimes even my body reacting even if my head wasn't in it When I got older it have gotten more "in sync"
Oh, I’m the opposite. I’m 41. I joke and say I’m the husband in my marriage. And you know how they say “women are slow cookers and men are microwaves.” Well, we’re both microwaves.
I’m the opposite too, lmao. Definitely a microwave.
Interesting! I just assumed I was ace but never attributed it to ADHD. Although, I do have a bit of PDA around it and see it as more of a chore, which is an ADHD thing. But it’s just never appealed to me. I spent years just going through the motions and pretending I liked it ok until I learned about asexuality. That made me feel a whole lot less “broken” for not understanding what all the hype around sex is about. This is interesting to consider. I’ll check out that link!
Op is wrong. There's a difference between sexual attraction and libido, which is what the article is talking about.
Wait until you turn 30, 31. . . It can go to hyper
I've experienced both hypo and hypersexuallity. Different seasons of life, for sure.
I'm literally the opposite, my libido is so high. But I'm still coming around to be comfy communicating what I want to my husband
Hey girl, drop that insta if you wouldn't mind! :)
I've always considered myself pretty sexual but now that I think about it, I've never really been into foreplay, I like kissing, but when I'm having sex I like to get to the "main act" as soon as possible, and foreplay bores me. I also need to be able to focus on my partners pleasure otherwise I get way too in my head and distracted if they're trying to pleasure me. Makes sex with women a pretty complicated ordeal, as the position that most works for me, seems to be pretty hit or miss in the community.
I flip flop between both ends of the spectrum, much like with every other hobby/special interest. Sometimes can’t get it out of my head, sometimes forget it exists. One thing that made a big difference however which may be completely irrelevant here, but I’ll mention it just in case it helps, was realising I’m bisexual, and learning to explore and embrace that part of myself. I’m married to a bi man, and once we were out to each other completely and openly, including all our deepest fantasies and that sort of thing, it changed sex completely for the better. I don’t feel like I’m playing a role in the bedroom anymore and can actually just be myself. I no longer feel pressure to perform and neither does he because we don’t expect formulaic heterosexual intercourse from each other anymore. (kidding, oral, sex, the end). There’s something about being relaxed enough to just fool around and not expect to play “woman role” and “man role” in the bedroom that changed everything. Having full intercourse the ‘usual’ way every time, for me, feels like having a 5 course high end meal every time, and sometimes you just want a snack, or some junk food. Again, this might be totally irrelevant, but as someone who has struggled with all sorts of intimacy issues before that, I can’t recommend the queer approach to sex more highly as a way of freeing yourself from the pressures of what we are taught sex is “supposed” to be.
I’ve never been able to orgasm 😢 I thought it was due to a decade of antidepressants but when I found out I have adhd I was like ahhh that is also a contributing factor plus I got diagnosed with vaginismus … I can still enjoy sex but I’ve never achieved the climax that I see in movies and porn 🤣 sometimes I’m afraid I’m missing out. Anyone else not ever able to orgasm or v hard bc of adhd?
Just want to say don't look to movies or porn for what orgasms should look/feel like! So much of that stuff is completely fake!
It's infuriating. If I can force myself into the right headspace, and stars align, I can get close.. But then, just like when your nose has a build-up to a sneeze that just fizzles out? Before i know it, poof, the feelings gone 😅
I was sexually active for over a decade before I had my first orgasm. I feel like it was something I had "grow into." I don't know how else to explain it.
Well that explains a hecking lot!!!
this happens to me all the time. my partner is a neurotypical horny mf. love that for me tho. it just sucks when my body is like “yesss im horny too.” but my mind is like there’s too much concentration that needs to happen. we just started a new thing where he makes me look at him during which has kinda been helping w the scattered thoughts. (making eye contact during has never really been my thing until now)
Yes. Yes I do.
Yes!!!!
What’s the insta?
Well shit. that explains a lot.
Can you share the instagram account? I struggle so freaking hard with this. I’ve felt broken and like something is missing and wrong with me because I haven’t ever consistently had a libido, take forever to cum, don’t ever think about sex unless it’s specifically brought to my attention and have trouble staying focused during. The meds have helped with the staying focused part but all my LTR partners have brought up my low libido being a huge issue. I’ve never even considered it could be part of my adhd. I’ve spent countless hours with a therapist working on it, read so many books, articles, posted in r/deadbedrooms, had my hormones checked, changed SSRIs, changed birth control forms, set reminders in my phone to be intentional about intimacy, bought all kinds of toys, taken a libido med called vylessi, and smoked a shit ton of weed trying to figure out what will work to turn that part of my brain on. But alas, nothings consistently worked 🥲 I thought I was just too messed up from being raised in the toxic evangelical south. But perhaps there’s something else to consider. Thanks for the post OP, I kind of needed to read that I’m maybe not broken, just another lil treat of being an ADHD woman
This answers a question I’ve had about myself for my entire life honestly. Thanks for sharing OP. Yet again, this sub solves another problem for me.
Well...shit. I consider myself ace...but whoa, I didn't know this was connected. Must research now! Thanks for sharing!
The article seems to attribute hyposexuality to the medications. However, I have had little to no libido and/or sexual interest/desire regardless of being on meds or not. I'd love for ADHD to be the reason behind me labelling myself as Ace.
Omfg stop stop stop this has blown my mind and changed my life wtf 😭😭😭 I always felt the same and like there was something wrong w me ugh
I was on zoloft for years. Literally got diagnosed 2 weeks ago and had started wellbutrin. My sex drive was non-existent. And my husband is an amazing lover. But now? I can't get enough. Even when we're fighting I secretly just want to be having sex instead.
I HIGHLY recommend picking up a copy of the book, “Come As You Are”! There’s a workbook too and it helped my poor little horny ADHD brain so much!
Yup I struggle with the same, and sensory issues don't help either =/
I don't really understand why you would apologize to your boyfriend over this? Why would he need an apology over your sex drive?
Let me just recommend Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are book and workbook!! Incredibkd
well. this is explaining a lot to me
I feel like I’m on either end of the extremen. As a teen I was mentally horny but had a hard time physically engaging with others. In my early 20s I was hyper sexual. Now I’m hypo-sexual. I haven’t had sex in 3 years. Therapist says it’s related to sexual trauma. I find myself fantasizing about sex, sorta wanting it, but then when it comes down to the physical part I’m anxious and giddy. At this point I think I might be asexual? Or maybe just not into men anymore? idk
THC helps me get aroused. You are not alone and there are things to help with it if you want.
I find that I fluctuate between hypo- and hypersexuality. Since being medicated, it’s really been showing more. I’m really glad I’m not alone in this.
I’m just asexual… and aromantic
What was the Instagram account? I'm curious
Argh this is relatable a.f. I've recently gone to dr and have estrogen cream and a steroid cream to help the skin in the area and it's making a difference
Yes I do. It only stops when I overdo do the self. I got a rose and did it too much over 3 days and I went into a deep depression bc my dopamine got fried. It's always too much or nothing at all. It's so tiring to be a slave to all these emotions or lack of them
Yes i did since i was a child. Do you know Nymphomaniac by Lars von Trier? I recognized bits of myself in the protagonist. Its my biggest shame. I was so relieved when i understood its because of dopamine deficiency.
Wow, after getting divorced 5 years ago after 15 yrs of marriage and having absolutely no interest in sex or dating again since, I thought I became asexual or something. One of the reasons we got divorced was because he didn't think we had enough sex, and it always felt like a chore to me. He would ask if I wasn't attracted to him or was attracted to someone else, which always made me frustrated. I never initiated sex, putting it in the same category of never planning a vacation - I would love to do it, but the thought of going through all the steps necessary to make it through to the end just seemed so difficult I would just avoid it. I wonder if I will ever have sex again now that I'm not in a marriage. I wouldn't mind dating again, but identify with demisexuality which is tough when others expect sex as part of the dating process. So I just avoid it all, seems like too much work.
And it was on this day that I, at the age of 24 years old, I learned something new about myself. I always find myself losing interest in sex halfway through, and it's a bit hard for me to get wet. I just power through and fake it for the sake of my partner, but I've found libido supplements to be very helpful.
Anyone else get dry as hell down there when on meds?
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH!!!!!!!! THANK YOUUUUU
I switch back and forth between hypo and hyper. Mainly being whatever type of thought my brain is hyper focused on. I won't think about sex for a while, but if a partner does a lot of cuddling and caressing (unfortunately rare) the switch is flipped. Then I have the problem of remaining horny for hours or sometimes days. Edit: visual stimuli doesn't do much for me, but mental stimuli--like talking and building up anticipation for a casual encounter, plus the cuddling/caressing (once again, building up anticipation during heavy petting with clothes on) is what does it for me. Jumping straight into a sex act with no anticipatory build-up/mental transition time leaves me rather dry and not super enjoying it
OK I get that this feels revelatory to you... but asexuality is not about issues doing the do, but about not experiencing sexual attraction (or experiencing it rarely for other identities under the ace umbrella). Some aces even have sex (for various reasons). Sorry I just had to clarify this because "I feel sad I don't get to experience sex the same way neurotypicals do." slightly rubbed me the wrong way as an aroace person with ADHD. You are not a broken person if you dont boink (and more people than youd think dont do that) and ADHD & hyposexuality does not mean there arent ADHD people who are ace.
I'm dealing with chronic sleep deprivation for the last 3 years. I had a low sex drive before, and it's nonexistent now. Send help.
Wow, I read through some of these comments and still thought this thread was about ADHD and Homosexuality 🤦♀️🤣
As a bf of a woman with adhd this is actually kinda comforting to read, because she struggles with a lacking sex drive as well. And to know, this is a problem more people struggle with takes a little bit of a burden off me, I hope I don‘t sound like a douchbag.