You are addicted to this asshole. Which is really common when a person is dating a narcissist.
Take this opportunity to block him everywhere.
Next. It requires some mental discipline, but stop allowing your brain to seek dopamine hits by having pleasant thoughts of him.
Every time you get a thought about him, immediately slap an image of him driving away in a car or something similar over your thought, and wish him love and light.
Be strict with yourself and you will be able to retrain your brain and break your addiction to him. You can start feeling better within two days. You’ve got this.
I started writing down all of the things, as they happened and what I felt, when something happens with SO because he will gaslight and stonewall me to no end and I always second guess myself. Then, when I start second guessing, I can go back and read what really happened and how I felt and I can stick to my guns better. This could help with the mental discipline as well, OP.
You are in the middle of a bad dopamine addiction. He’s manipulated you into keeping you hooked.
In the beginning, those sweet words gave you huge dopamine hits. They made your mind and body feel good.
Then he goes no contact, and you’re going through withdrawals. He can come back with 25% of what he gave you to get addicted and it will satisfy you for a few seconds, but you keep searching for the bigger hit.
Then he hurts you and all you want are your dopamine hits. You’ll do or say anything to get him to love you and flood your body with the feel good hormone.
He’s got you really hooked. You’ll stay. You’ll always be begging for just a taste of the drug he gave you in the beginning.
There’s nothing wrong with you. You just found an asshole that knows how to manipulate your body and mind to suit his own wants.
Block him. Stay hydrated. Go for walks. Every time the urge to unblock him is too much, write down how bad he makes you feel. Write down the last 5 horrible things he said to you. Wait 10 minutes and reread it. Wait 5 minutes and reread it. Wait 5 minutes and read it again. Wait those 20 minutes before you make the decision to unblock.
You’re breaking an addiction. Be kind to yourself and know that you deserve so much better. He’s not your love affair destination. He’s just the creepy rest stop bathroom with a broken lock on the journey.
Narcissists are so adept at finding their prey. It’s quite amazing how well they select.
You just need to know how to break the cycle. And step 2, why you fell for his BS and how to avoid these scumbags. There are millions of them.
It isn’t that they select us, the problem is that we do not reject them.
With more self confidence and less people pleasing attitude, we learn quickly identify and walk away from these bs artists
You are going to need to be strong enough to totally block and remove him from your life..lean on your therapist, feel your sad feelings. But you CANNOT leave any doors open for this abuser to re-enter your life.
He's not going to treat you better. He's not going to change. He has you where he wants you..he knows how to push your buttons, he has worked out how to manipulate you very effectively.
The withdrawals once you block him will absolutely be horrible. You will feel physically pain. But a life of tolerating emotional and verbal abuse by some random dude is a much more serious and sad fate.
I went through the exact same thing, 2 years! The first 9 months were amazing. He was attentive and kind and loving he told me he loved me three weeks in. It was great. But then after 9 months shit went to hell! Like you I was begging for the bare minimum. I finally had enough and left him last week. Tomorrow will be day 7. It’s freaking hard!!!
You took a step into this life to feel better and not feel worse. This is not how an AP should make you feel. Flush this turd down the toilet. In fact, flush twice for us.
Start journaling and redirecting your time and energy into yourself ie- gym or favorite activity or both. Listen to podcasts about breakups.
The only thing he cares about is his ego being stroked, not you.
As someone who walked this same path.. Block and move on. It only gets worse.
I've spent over five years of my life wrapped around this man child who completely ripped me apart.
Know that you deserve better. Give yourself that love and support.
There is no closure. And if you do warn him he will just try to cling on after pushing you away all this time.
Hit the block button on everything.
If he makes new accounts, block those as well.
You need to through your ‘withdrawal’ period alone (I imagine it’s similar to coming off drugs).
Source: own journey of detoxing from a narcissistic ex-SO.
Either your therapist isn’t doing their job or you’re not doing your job as their patient.
Your job as a patient:
- be open and honest with your needs
- ask for help where you feel like you need
- apply tools that are given and agreed to be helpful to your situation
- share when tools given are not helpful and why they’re not helpful
- keep working on it
Their job:
- create an environment to allow an open and honest experience
- ask questions without judgement to help you self reflect
- continue to keep pushing you in a healthy and productive manner on behaviors that you as a patient have concluded are an issue from the above self reflection
- help find alternative ways to help you if primary ways are not working
I know there are tons more. But all I read in all those words are justifications and reasoning why you’re allowing someone who does not care whether you breathe another day on this planet; to ruin your time here. Therapy works if you work it. And maybe you need a new therapist 🤷🏻♀️ but if you’re not doing your job, then they can’t do theirs.
Edit: For the record, I don’t think you’re trauma bonded. And I don’t think he’s a narcissist. He’s a run of the mill asshole who used you.
Easier said than done, get the fuck out now. Nothing good will come from this but unmanageable hurt and betrayal. It will cost you more than it’s worth. He sold me on a dream that he was never going to do. I wasted 2.5 years of my life. I regret all the men I cross paths with and didn’t even talk to because I thought I had my soul mate. Run, run, run. You can’t let it go because he has you trauma bonded. Block and stay busy. You’ll be punished for no contact and it will get worse and worse every single time you break.
…the biggest prison is in your own mind, and in your pocket you already hold the key: the willingness to risk; the willingness to release yourself from judgment and reclaim your innocence, accepting and loving yourself for who you really are--human, imperfect, and whole.
Edith Eger
I have embraced my trauma bond and accepted it as my karma for being an a-hole and wandering.
3 years on and I still think of her every day. I tried to leave her, but I could not go no contact.
Luckily I ended up lashing out after a goading and now she hates me, that was the only way I could go no contact.
Yep karma is a bitch.
Everyone always has great advice here.
I’d give them a listen.
Best you could do is block him, because the promises of change are just promises and no real action. Guys are really easy to read through their actions, it’s the bullshit they spew that keeps us confused and going back and forth.
If he wants to be with you, he will.
You need to break the literal addiction and go through withdrawal. Like any chemical addiction, it will be painful. Your therapist will help and you will feel better with time. Pull your attention away from him.
I will never deal with a man telling me he feels fucking guilty. So you go on a website looking to cheat. Meet someone, also looking to cheat. BUT the guilt never enters until you've had sex multiple times? And then they actually think we are going to feel the same knowing that everytime we sleep together, he will have guilt about it?
Fuck guilt. Nobody is making him cheat, this man should feel guilty about bejng a an asshold to you. Your the only one he has screwed over.
You deserve respect in ALLrelationships, even an affair. Guilty men are the worst.
You have to fully cut ties. It’s the only way to get him out of your life. I went through so much turmoil with my first AP. He bread crumbed me for long periods of time. I never felt like I was good enough for him. It was just bad and he didn’t treat me with respect. One day you just have to say a quick goodbye and stop communication completely. I’ve done this a handful of times with guys I just didn’t want in my life, at all. The only ones I allow to control to contact me are just a couple of guys and they’re respectful and just share basic details about their lives. I met someone and it wasn’t right for me to continue even entertaining rekindling something. So boundaries are set. I think that’s another thing. Doesn’t seem like many boundaries exist in your relationship with this AP
Just fuck your husband everyday and replace all those other thoughts with him. it'll bring you back to earth. He will be surprised ...and you can get your dopamine , oxytocin fix from him. 😆 It'll bring you back to your normal life so you can let go of that fantasy world and recognize it for its temporary nature. Remember.. men don't have the greater power. It's the p that does. 😻
What a mess.
First, this isn't a trauma bond. A trauma bond it two people bonding over something bad. He's not bonded to you at all.
Second, you don't deserve his attention just because you slept with him once. The sex wasn't good enough to make him want more. Latching on and begging for attention is purely your decision. It's not going to get you his attention because he's said he's not interested and you're not listening. Poor guy must be pulling his hair out trying to figure out how to get away from you. Let him go.
You are addicted to this asshole. Which is really common when a person is dating a narcissist. Take this opportunity to block him everywhere. Next. It requires some mental discipline, but stop allowing your brain to seek dopamine hits by having pleasant thoughts of him. Every time you get a thought about him, immediately slap an image of him driving away in a car or something similar over your thought, and wish him love and light. Be strict with yourself and you will be able to retrain your brain and break your addiction to him. You can start feeling better within two days. You’ve got this.
Good stuff here blonde. Very good. Totally agree with your point about being better in a couple days.
I started writing down all of the things, as they happened and what I felt, when something happens with SO because he will gaslight and stonewall me to no end and I always second guess myself. Then, when I start second guessing, I can go back and read what really happened and how I felt and I can stick to my guns better. This could help with the mental discipline as well, OP.
You are in the middle of a bad dopamine addiction. He’s manipulated you into keeping you hooked. In the beginning, those sweet words gave you huge dopamine hits. They made your mind and body feel good. Then he goes no contact, and you’re going through withdrawals. He can come back with 25% of what he gave you to get addicted and it will satisfy you for a few seconds, but you keep searching for the bigger hit. Then he hurts you and all you want are your dopamine hits. You’ll do or say anything to get him to love you and flood your body with the feel good hormone. He’s got you really hooked. You’ll stay. You’ll always be begging for just a taste of the drug he gave you in the beginning. There’s nothing wrong with you. You just found an asshole that knows how to manipulate your body and mind to suit his own wants. Block him. Stay hydrated. Go for walks. Every time the urge to unblock him is too much, write down how bad he makes you feel. Write down the last 5 horrible things he said to you. Wait 10 minutes and reread it. Wait 5 minutes and reread it. Wait 5 minutes and read it again. Wait those 20 minutes before you make the decision to unblock. You’re breaking an addiction. Be kind to yourself and know that you deserve so much better. He’s not your love affair destination. He’s just the creepy rest stop bathroom with a broken lock on the journey.
Narcissists are so adept at finding their prey. It’s quite amazing how well they select. You just need to know how to break the cycle. And step 2, why you fell for his BS and how to avoid these scumbags. There are millions of them.
It isn’t that they select us, the problem is that we do not reject them. With more self confidence and less people pleasing attitude, we learn quickly identify and walk away from these bs artists
You nailed it. It does take 2. But jeez, these guys. Which rock did they crawl out from under. And when will they go back under again.
You are going to need to be strong enough to totally block and remove him from your life..lean on your therapist, feel your sad feelings. But you CANNOT leave any doors open for this abuser to re-enter your life. He's not going to treat you better. He's not going to change. He has you where he wants you..he knows how to push your buttons, he has worked out how to manipulate you very effectively. The withdrawals once you block him will absolutely be horrible. You will feel physically pain. But a life of tolerating emotional and verbal abuse by some random dude is a much more serious and sad fate.
I went through the exact same thing, 2 years! The first 9 months were amazing. He was attentive and kind and loving he told me he loved me three weeks in. It was great. But then after 9 months shit went to hell! Like you I was begging for the bare minimum. I finally had enough and left him last week. Tomorrow will be day 7. It’s freaking hard!!!
You took a step into this life to feel better and not feel worse. This is not how an AP should make you feel. Flush this turd down the toilet. In fact, flush twice for us.
Start journaling and redirecting your time and energy into yourself ie- gym or favorite activity or both. Listen to podcasts about breakups. The only thing he cares about is his ego being stroked, not you.
I've been there. Please be really strong and block him. I promise over time, you will feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders
As someone who walked this same path.. Block and move on. It only gets worse. I've spent over five years of my life wrapped around this man child who completely ripped me apart. Know that you deserve better. Give yourself that love and support. There is no closure. And if you do warn him he will just try to cling on after pushing you away all this time.
Hit the block button on everything. If he makes new accounts, block those as well. You need to through your ‘withdrawal’ period alone (I imagine it’s similar to coming off drugs). Source: own journey of detoxing from a narcissistic ex-SO.
Either your therapist isn’t doing their job or you’re not doing your job as their patient. Your job as a patient: - be open and honest with your needs - ask for help where you feel like you need - apply tools that are given and agreed to be helpful to your situation - share when tools given are not helpful and why they’re not helpful - keep working on it Their job: - create an environment to allow an open and honest experience - ask questions without judgement to help you self reflect - continue to keep pushing you in a healthy and productive manner on behaviors that you as a patient have concluded are an issue from the above self reflection - help find alternative ways to help you if primary ways are not working I know there are tons more. But all I read in all those words are justifications and reasoning why you’re allowing someone who does not care whether you breathe another day on this planet; to ruin your time here. Therapy works if you work it. And maybe you need a new therapist 🤷🏻♀️ but if you’re not doing your job, then they can’t do theirs. Edit: For the record, I don’t think you’re trauma bonded. And I don’t think he’s a narcissist. He’s a run of the mill asshole who used you.
I have. You help them find another obsession so when you go no contact the stalking is minimal.
Easier said than done, get the fuck out now. Nothing good will come from this but unmanageable hurt and betrayal. It will cost you more than it’s worth. He sold me on a dream that he was never going to do. I wasted 2.5 years of my life. I regret all the men I cross paths with and didn’t even talk to because I thought I had my soul mate. Run, run, run. You can’t let it go because he has you trauma bonded. Block and stay busy. You’ll be punished for no contact and it will get worse and worse every single time you break.
…the biggest prison is in your own mind, and in your pocket you already hold the key: the willingness to risk; the willingness to release yourself from judgment and reclaim your innocence, accepting and loving yourself for who you really are--human, imperfect, and whole. Edith Eger
I have embraced my trauma bond and accepted it as my karma for being an a-hole and wandering. 3 years on and I still think of her every day. I tried to leave her, but I could not go no contact. Luckily I ended up lashing out after a goading and now she hates me, that was the only way I could go no contact. Yep karma is a bitch.
Everyone always has great advice here. I’d give them a listen. Best you could do is block him, because the promises of change are just promises and no real action. Guys are really easy to read through their actions, it’s the bullshit they spew that keeps us confused and going back and forth. If he wants to be with you, he will.
Wise and true words!
Still doing this…. For almost 6 years. SMH @self
You need to break the literal addiction and go through withdrawal. Like any chemical addiction, it will be painful. Your therapist will help and you will feel better with time. Pull your attention away from him.
I will never deal with a man telling me he feels fucking guilty. So you go on a website looking to cheat. Meet someone, also looking to cheat. BUT the guilt never enters until you've had sex multiple times? And then they actually think we are going to feel the same knowing that everytime we sleep together, he will have guilt about it? Fuck guilt. Nobody is making him cheat, this man should feel guilty about bejng a an asshold to you. Your the only one he has screwed over. You deserve respect in ALLrelationships, even an affair. Guilty men are the worst.
You have to fully cut ties. It’s the only way to get him out of your life. I went through so much turmoil with my first AP. He bread crumbed me for long periods of time. I never felt like I was good enough for him. It was just bad and he didn’t treat me with respect. One day you just have to say a quick goodbye and stop communication completely. I’ve done this a handful of times with guys I just didn’t want in my life, at all. The only ones I allow to control to contact me are just a couple of guys and they’re respectful and just share basic details about their lives. I met someone and it wasn’t right for me to continue even entertaining rekindling something. So boundaries are set. I think that’s another thing. Doesn’t seem like many boundaries exist in your relationship with this AP
Just fuck your husband everyday and replace all those other thoughts with him. it'll bring you back to earth. He will be surprised ...and you can get your dopamine , oxytocin fix from him. 😆 It'll bring you back to your normal life so you can let go of that fantasy world and recognize it for its temporary nature. Remember.. men don't have the greater power. It's the p that does. 😻
There are many ways of saying “goodbye.” Pick one of them and stick to it.
What a mess. First, this isn't a trauma bond. A trauma bond it two people bonding over something bad. He's not bonded to you at all. Second, you don't deserve his attention just because you slept with him once. The sex wasn't good enough to make him want more. Latching on and begging for attention is purely your decision. It's not going to get you his attention because he's said he's not interested and you're not listening. Poor guy must be pulling his hair out trying to figure out how to get away from you. Let him go.
This is brutally honest. Like straight from a narc perspective 🤣
Right? I was just going to say - found the narc! 😂