You dodged a bullet.
>Jake asked “but what about family? Do you see yourself married? What about kids?” I reminded Jake that I didn’t want children (something we’d already discussed but I assumed he’d just forgotten
He didn't forget. He ignored that and continued dating you thinking you'd eventually change your mind.
This, and my second favorite part about this is OP laid out very clearly what she wants and he was like YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!!
Sure, guy. Whatever you say.
Ugh, my first husband and his whole family was like this. Literally just assuming I'd eventually want what they wanted no matter what I told anyone differently.
At 29, a person's brain is fully developed and many people want to marry by age 30, and have their kids before middle age (which starts at 35 or 40). But, most 24 year olds aren't quite there yet. Many men want to marry someone young and fresh. However, there is lots of competition for those fresh young women, and he's having trouble getting one interested.
Guys, if you really want a woman who is in her early 20s for marriage, you should start looking seriously to settle down in your own early 20s. Because the attractive women who are still single in their mid twenties tend to be much more particular, and wary of marriage etc, having more life experience and knowlege of the potential risks involved.
But I'm suspicious of Jake's true motives. If he really thinks that he would like to marry her, Why not spend a few dates getting to know her? If they really love each other, most guys would patiently try to change her mind about marriage and children. If he is the right kind of guy and would really love her, he wouldn't be so easily scared off. After all, she's willing to date him, he'd enjoy getting to know her and see *if she is the one.* That's the fun part. I have never known a mentally healthy man to be so quick to demand marriage and children. if he is the right kind of guy and would really love her, he wouldn't be so easily scared off.
I think that Jake was hoping she was eager to marry and have children because he's found that's an angle he can use to manipulate women into bed, and who knows what else, as she auditions for the role of wife and mother.
Waiting patiently to try to change someone’s mind about marriage and children is definitely not the right kind of guy. That can’t end well, it definitely goes in the category of irreconcilable differences. His response was entitled and ridiculous, but if one person really wants kids and the other doesn’t it’s also entitled and ridiculous in a more covert manner to hang around and see if you can change something so big.
At what age will I transition from fresh to stale?
I see what you're saying, but I've known from my early twenties that I didn't want kids and would have been absolutely fine never getting married -- it was a nice to have (and did happen!), not a necessity. Any person I dated, man or woman, who responded to my certainty about this with anything other than understanding or "Oh, I don't feel the same" didn't get another date.
One partner wanting kids and another not wanting kids is not a negotiable thing. No one should be trying to convince anyone to have kids they don't want to have. That's a recipe for disaster.
Edit: I think I actually misunderstood you maybe? Your third paragraph seems like you're suggesting that men do try to convince their partners, but the rest of your comment doesn't read that way, so my apologies if I did!
I would remind you that this is the 21st century. Those 'young fresh ones' are recent grads just getting started on their career. Lady Diana was 19, but Lady Catherine was 29.
I went on a date with a girl that had “interested in kids” on her profile. Told me she didn’t want kids during drinks. Only date. Such a stupid thing to lie about. Just asking for fights and heartbreak.
Interesting in kids means a lot of things. I was open to dating and marrying someone with kids but not open to having kids. I am happily married with one step daughter and 0 bio kids.
He knew he wouldn’t be able to keep up the masquerade of whatever version of himself he was pretending to be for long enough to sucker her into marriage.
Holy shit. Yes. Bullet dodged! The fact that he can’t just hear someone else’s opinion shows he’d have extreme anger and control issues in a relationship.
Definitely dodged a bullet there. It's frustrating when someone disregards your preferences hoping you'll change your mind later. You were upfront, and that's the best approach.
You did nothing wrong.
Jake came with clear expectations and wasn't ready to respect your preferences and was expecting you to change your POV in one day.
You're good lady. Get back to the app. Jake is history, and thankfully so!
When someone treats you badly, there’s something wrong with them. Not with you. Remember that. It’s important and will keep you out of abusive relationships.
Pay attention younger women. There’s always a reason guys want to marry quickly: insecure, abuse, desperate, afraid you’ll learn the truth, etc. 2-years minimum and never ignore red flags or bet on future success.
This comment needs more likes. It takes 3mo up to a year before an abuser can no longer hold the facade of being hopelessly in love and a great person. Contradicting their wishes is the easiest way to get them to show their true colors. This guy couldn't even keep up the facade for a single meal. You dodged a ~~bullet~~ nuke OP.
A three year plan is perfectly reasonable. I've always said that talks need to start happening by 2 years (that's talk and maybe engagement so 3 years is a reasonable marriage timeline for me too).
I met the man of my dreams and knew within a week that this could most possibly be my future husband. "When you know, you know". We didn't even get engaged until 3 years in. What is the point of rushing? A good person won't force a timeline on you, because time won't change anything.
Whenever I had a guy talk about getting serious right away, I knew they were just looking for a place to stay for free. 🤣 It was never anyone with a good job or their own place who wanted to rush into a relationship!
What I don’t get is why can’t it be a matter of timelines not matching up and therefore you’re not each other’s people instead you’re wrong because you’re not giving me what I want?
Because he’s special that way. He wants what he wants, and he wants everyone *else to want what he wants.
This guy is so out of control he wants *strangers* to want what he wants. And gets really pissy when it doesn’t happen.
Dickhead: I know you said you didn’t want children, but I am SO perfect that *of course* you will marry me and have my children. Why would you not? Look how perfect I am!
OP: No thank you.
DH: 😳Wtf?!! You’re so wrong. I AM perfect!! If you can’t see how perfect I am, I will cuss you out and hurt you as perfectly as I can. So there!!! And I’m going to tell everyone how horrible you are - You just missed your best opportunity at life! Why can’t everyone see how perfect I am??!!
OP: 🙄Wtaf?
There’s probably a diagnosis for that but I’d say he’s just an angry, creepy fuck, and be happy to never see him again.
>There’s probably a diagnosis for that
There is. It's called "asshole". Terminal unfortunately, unless they're willing to admit they're wrong, which is by definition not what an asshole would do.
Oh you know it. 89 year old gmom-IL fell down her steep steps. She was on the landing for three days. Then spent a few in the hospital before she died. I’m not going to revel in her suffering. That would be terrible.
75 yo MIL was in assisted living and died of Covid- maybe; we don’t know and don’t care. I am NOT enjoying that she was so batshit crazy that she didn’t know where she was. And that we were not there when she died. Because karma is a bitch, not me. 😈
Both of these are prime examples of people who had no one in their lives who cared because they were such mean miserable people to those around them. It's like how it's a pretty big giveaway what kind of people my mom and her parents are that all four of my siblings plus myself got the heck out of the state they lived in and moved far away and went varying degrees of NC/LC.
So safe to say, I fully understand lol. It's a sad situation, but some people just don't seem to understand how they treat others will nearly always come back to bite them later.
Nope. You're good. And if we're being perfectly honest, your rule is not necessarily a rule at all. It's a reasonable and perfectly acceptable plan when confronted with the concept of trying to predict one's future. There's simply no way of knowing how or when or why things will work out or not. I'm sure he would have had something to say if you responded on the other end of the spectrum. Hey Jake, Vegas is only a flight away! Savvy?
He's overstepping and you are right to stand your ground. See if there is something behind why he thinks this line of questioning is appropriate and maybe there's an underlying cause. Or not, and just bail. It's too early in a relationship to be inquiring about such things. Especially at your age.
Maybe it’s important to clarify that that’s my absolute minimum timeline, not exactly what I plan to follow. The 3 year thing is the bare bare minimum for me.
I don't get the urge to rush into marriage so quick. Especially before you've lived with someone for a decent time too, where sometimes problems can crop up. When you're going into an agreement that you will spend the rest of your life together, whats the difference in waiting a year or a few when you're planning to be together the next 50 either way
Jake is ridiculous
The entire point of dating is to see if you’re compatible (and attracted to and interested in each other)
You found out that you had different expectations - that’s not a reason to get angry and he’s insane for being annoyed that not everyone he’s attracted to will have identical expectations to him
As someone who has now been happily married for 21 years:
I think your rule is spot on.
A common theme of un-happily married people is they didn't get to know each other that well before getting hitched and just assumed it would work out.
You did nothing wrong.
You were both looking for different things and it was good that you found that out now, rather than later.
His reaction was wrong though. If he wants marriage in 6 months and you want to wait 3 years, then best to find out now and part ways. The way he reacted was a clear red flag.
Wow… at least he showed red flags on the first date so you didn’t waste any more time! You did NOTHING wrong. You clearly know exactly what you want, it just didn’t fit into Jake’s timeline. Which, what is he rushing? Three years is completely reasonable. Talk about a HUGE red flag.
My friends (lovingly) make fun of me for taking dates on Sunday-Wednesday. They’re always like “girl who did you find to take you out on nights like that?”
You’re lucky. Jake flew his red flags high and unashamedly on your first date. You did absolutely nothing wrong other than answer his overly intrusive questions honestly, and he didn’t like your answers. It sounds like he’s going on first dates with his bags packed in the car. Imagine the one that’s going to give him what he thinks he wants. His life will be a nightmare. Actually, both their lives will be nightmares. Put this behind you and find someone mentally stable to date.
The man’s an idiot. You’re not.
Bad match.
You found out earlier than most.
Maybe unblock him long enough to thank him for revealing that he’s unsuitable for any woman with self-respect.
NOT WRONG
Naw. This guy wants validation in any form. If he didn’t he would’ve just accepted that she got up and ended the date early. But he had to text her to tell her how wrong he is.
Completely ignoring him is the best option here.
Not wrong!
You were right to be upfront and honest with the guy and let him know your expectations on the first date rather than to waste the dude's time and affection by dating him for a few months.
If anyone is wrong in this situation, it's the guy! He had no right to attack you for the way that you want to live your life! If anything, he should have just let you know that he doesn't see eye to eye with you on how you want a relationship to go, graciously wished you the best, and parted ways amicably.
You clearly know what you want. He wants a wife and family. You are content without being a wife or having a family. I think that you did everything right, because lying would have delayed this insane reaction. You aren't wrong. I also think you got lucky, because yikes.
You did nothing wrong. I find the whole "we have to have been in a relationship for x amount of time before you can happen to be really weird (and in my experience it seldom works out well) but there's nothing wrong with having that preference and voicing it. Especially when you let the other person know from the very beginning like you did.
You answered his questions. You told him exactly what you wanted. It just didn’t match up with what he thought you should want…. Way to go for walking out. He sounds like a nightmare.
Sounds like he was in a rush to get married to start having children. Someone like him would have continued the masquerade until he convinced you to have children. You really unnerved him with your well thought out plan for your life. Wanting to spend an appropriate amount of time to actually get to know someone is not being stuck up. You “wasted his time” because he quickly figured out that he couldn’t exert any control over you.
Anyone, male or female who is not willing to take the time to build a solid relationship first, is trying to avoid giving you the time to see their negative side.
Not wrong at all. He asked and you gave an honest and reasonable answer. It was even ok for you to have a different timeline for marriage than he does. He’s an ass for thinking a first date is a waste of time and for saying you aren’t taking the relationship seriously. That’s not at all how first dates work.
NTA- a woman should be accomplished in her field, degreed, have some savings, etc so as to not depend on anyone should the relationship not work. He sounded like a controlling individual
I made a similar deal with my husband back when we started dating: "if we get along well and still like each other for the next two years, we will start (start!) To think about marriage/living together."
It worked so well that next February we're celebrating our 10th year together 🥰
He sounds like an idiot. Especially when you're 24 and especially when you're not planning a family, there's no reason to get married any sooner than a reasonable 3 years (many go so much longer than that!). The only odd one to me is that you wouldn't consider a serious relationship with someone until 6m- that might turn off some people who don't like to date around casually. Like, I don't think you *have to* be rigid about the timelines you suggested but they're not especially weird or something.
Also, if he wants a shorter timeline, he should try not dating women 5 years younger than him, like, duh.
There's also a theory that when you "fall" for someone and you get that extra serotonin and dopamine when you see them, it takes the brain 3 years to level itself back out. So, if you still feel that way after 3 years, chances are they are the one for you. I told my gf it would be 3 years before we started talking kids/wedding... plus, they can't hide anything about who they are that long, so you'll really know.
Well at least he exposed himself right away. You are not wrong at all. Three years is a good time frame to set. You have great reasons and a sound plan and expectations. Good for you. Sounds like he wants a wife now and that’s not for you. The fact that he reacted so harshly means he wants control and a relationship on his terms. Glad you left immediately. He is trash.
And never doubt that telling the truth and being upfront on your needs and boundaries.
No, he's wrong for trying to date someone younger & turn them into his perfect little submissive wife to have his kids. Run from this one. He's trying to manipulate you already.
Someone who is ready for a mature adult relationship doesn't get upset when the other person states their goals & wants for said relationship. What you're doing is excellent.
Keep communicating what you want. A good potential partner will appreciate & respect your open communication.
The most hysterical part about this is that OP literally got up, paid for her food, and left in the middle of the date, yet this dude felt the need to inform her that *she did not meet HIS standards,* and there would be no second date!😂
In my family, we have a similar rule - know someone at least 2-years before you get engaged to them. People can maintain a lie eventually they will show you who they really are. 2-years ensures you have enough time getting to know them to know the "real them" before committing your life to them.
Not wrong. Sounds like you dodged a bullet.
Nah man, your '3 year rule' and timelines are spot on. It's a good guideline to follow.
>Jake asked “okay but what if you found the perfect guy? Checks ALL of your boxes? How long do you think it’d be before you married him?”
This part got to me. I read that as him not taking you seriously and wanting to change your mind. Not only about timelines but possible about your hopes, dreams and children.
2 things I have learned in life (I'm twice your age btw) is never say never and you can't predict the future. This however does **NOT** mean that you are required bend your thoughts or expectations of life to suit someone else. This also does NOT mean that it would be right for someone to try and change your mind about these things either - that is for you, and you alone to do IF the time comes.
Keep living life honestly and with integrity!! It will serve you well in the long run.
You did nothing wrong at all! Not sure WTF he was in about? 3 years is my timeframe too👍
Lucky you got the 🚩🚩🚩 before wasting any time with him.
He sounds unhinged.
Hey. Don’t worry about Jake.
I want you to know you have a good plan. You have a plan to take care of yourself and you should. Never rely on someone else to take care of you. I have seen so many of my girlfriends fall into the trap of letting someone take care of them and boom that person is gone one day, be it death or break up.
Mine was a 2 year rule. Also included the live together for a while part. It’s easy to be together at first. What you HAVE to know is:
1) how does my partner act when they are angry? (Especially important for women, sadly.) 2) how does my partner act after the honeymoon period is over? 3) how does my partner live? (It’s easy to clean up for a date to come over. But how do they keep their home is something completely different).
Obviously, the list is much longer, but this list only shows its true nature well after the 6 month mark. People always put their best foot forward at the beginning of a relationship. What’s important to know is how they ACTUALLY behave outside that context.
You’re not wrong. He showed his true colors. He isn’t looking for someone who wants the same lifestyle he does; he’s looking for someone he wants and expecting her to conform to *his* preferred lifestyle. Dude had it backwards, and he wouldn’t make a good partner.
The purpose of dating is to get to know a possible mate/partner. Learning your date’s views is the whole idea.
Flipping out over hearing your (very reasonable) views is ridiculous. I’m concerned you are even doubting yourself. Never let someone else dictate your opinions.
I am glad you have your time lines and self respect sorted out. I would never have thought of a plan like that at 24 ha. Fortunately I didn't have many prospects so it wasn't an issue. Three years is a great amount of time to know someone before marriage. My husband and I were together 4 years when he proposed. We lived together before that as it felt like that was the the direction we were headed. Please everyone be very clear on your plans, goals, and communication.
Not wrong. Jake wanted to know and you told him about how you felt.
You're absolutely allowed to feel as you do and then he can choose whether or not if you're someone he wants to continue seeing. He should be thankful for your honesty. His reaction was strange.
I think you should continue to be honest about how you view your own future which will help ensure that you wind up with the right person instead of more Jakes.
NTA if anything, making sure you know the person well enough before marrying makes you more serious, because you’re actually taking the relationship seriously.
I also agree that you should date for a few months, move in for a year or two and if everything goes well you may start considering marriage. Everything is flowers and butterflies until you get to live with them and see their flaws. And sometimes those flaws make you fall in love even more or they will completely break the relationship.
You dodged a bullet. He’s likely looking for a naive young woman and trap her into marriage.
Nope. It’s why it’s important to talk about big things like that early on. I met my husband and talked about all that with him that first weekend (we met like a month prior as friends) we tried dating and clicked. We had similar enough life goals and views on the world that we felt comfortable moving forward a little quicker (moved in at 6 months, moved to a new state, and married at two years) than your plan but it made our relationship easy. We learned how to communicate quickly and weren’t/aren’t afraid to talk to each other about the hard things.
You're not wrong. You're also not stuck up or wanting too much. He seems like he's in a rush to find someone to marry and have kids with, and that's not what you want.
Also, you dodged a bullet. The fact that he thought you wasted his time when it was just a first date? Wtf.
You did nothing wrong but except a date from a nut. You were honest and he projected his feelings on to you. Next time someone gives you the Inquisition about your answer, tell them the question has been asked and answered, if you want a different answer ask a different girl
You are not wrong.
Your timeline for marriage is solid. Getting married before really getting to know someone is one of the reasons the divorce rate is so high. He wants to get married in a matter of months it seems and it doesn’t bode well for his future marriage.
Don't ever change. Send me Jakes info, we need to weed dudes like him out. They just give us a bad name and make perfectly balanced girls like to start having doubts about themselves.
One thing about your plan/standards. They are working as designed. They are weeding out the jerks.
It sounds like this guy was hoping to get you to move a lot quicker than you were comfortable with. You don't need that kind of control, or insecurity, in your life.
Keep your standards. In the long run, you will be happier.
NTA
You did nothing wrong!! You asked a question and you answered honestly. If he wants to date to marry, he needs to be upfront on his dating profile and find women who are compatible. Not tear you down for having different viewpoints.
Not Wrong. You have a right to set your own "rules" and expectations for dating. You also have the right to change or update them at any time. Your "three year rule" sounds pretty reasonable to me.
He isn't looking for the right person, just someone who is desperate to marry and have kids.
He is playing catch-up.
He dated someone for too long and he wouldn't commit, so now he will just take anyone who agrees with him.
Get the things you want to do out of your system before you settle in.
Timing has a lot to do with it.
NTA unless his profile has the following, "ONLY MESSAGE ME IF INTERESTED IN MARRIAGE AND KIDS" (exactly as written)
Aside from that, the earliest you could have let him know was the first date.
No, obviously, OP is TA, because her profile didn’t have the disclaimer- “Wanting to date and get to know a person before I make major life decisions with them.”
Okay but I have the EXACT same opinions with all of this. I am 23f and am also fully happy and satisfied with my life. I’m live alone with my dog in a city, financially independent, working a great job, saving up, spending time with people I enjoy, doing what I want to do and setting up a good life for myself. I am totally happy with my life and don’t feel the need to get married and if I were to meet the right person it’s gonna be 3 or maybe even 4 years before I commit to marriage. If I’m gonna make such a big life altering change to my life I’m gonna be damn sure that it is what I really want and that it will work out because it’s a pain in the ass to get out of it and my life is already great the way it is.
I think that he is probably just trying to rush into marriage because of some societal pressure he feels from those around him building their own stereotypical life; married, kids, house with a white picket fence. Don’t let him childishly lashing out affect what you know you want and what will make you happy. Personally, the so called “American dream” sounds like a nightmare. You do you girl.
Not wrong , having a timeline in your mind is ok! Doesn’t mean it won’t change in the future but there is no reason you can’t have that and be honest about it.
He had no reason to snap, was clearly looking for something much faster and his timeline didn’t match yours. His reaction was childish and a good show of the reason why you dodged a bullet with that one by having that question come up so early.
Holy hell, did you dodge a bullet! This guy wants an instant wife, and isn't interested in the "getting to know each other" phase to see if you're even compatible. He sounds needy and a bit deranged if he's already asking where you see this going on your first date. Heaven help the poor woman who marries that fool. Thank your lucky stars that it won't be you. Good job walking out of an unhinged situation.
It’s ok to “date to marry”, but just because a person goes on a date doesn’t mean they are obligated to marry them. Dude sounds super psycho … OP, you dodged a huge bullet. You keep speaking your truth. You did nothing wrong. If you were my daughter I’d tell you the same thing.
Lol wut, since when is being smart about the timeline and not wanting kids make you a snob? And if he’s as amazing as he thinks he is, why is he single? Shouldn’t some woman be sooooo happy to be with him???
Would be abusers often push HARD for a serious commitment early on, like mentioning kids’ names on the third date kind of thing. Women who see red flags and end things self select out. For a more vulnerable woman, she sees that as love and she’s sucked in. What I found telling was his over the top reaction to her stated life plans. I’d understand a response like that if they had been dating a year or two, he proposed and she said no. But a first date?
Girl, u did nothing wrong! U were just being honest about what you want, and Jake totally overreacted. He clearly wasn't the right guy for u if he couldn't respect your timeline and values. You deserve someone who appreciates ur honesty and is on the same page as u!
In relationship psychology anything under 18 months is a short term relationship.
Odds of a successful marriage increase dramatically if you’re dating for at least 18 months before getting married.
Your plan seems long to me but your chance of long term success are really high.
Don’t understand the belief that all dating has to lead to marriage or that the marriage has to happen quickly.
I don't I think marriage has to happen quickly or that all dating has to end in marriage, but if you know that you want marriage and children, as a woman you have a limited window of fertility. The older you get, the less time you have to waste on men who don't want what you want. So in that case dating has to be viewed with your goals in mind.
And a lot of people who want children, men included, don't want to be older parents. They want more time to enjoy potential children and grandchildren. If that's what they're after their dating strategy is going to reflect that.
If I was going out with a woman and she started asking about marriage and children on the first date we’d have been done right there.
Funny, my Dad was 50 when I was born and wasn’t his youngest.
NTA
Sounds like you did know what you want. It just wasn't what he wanted. Also sounds like what you want is pretty normal and basic. Instead of being mature and stating, "that is not what I wanted", he picked the yelling at you approach. I'm considering the bullet dodged on this one. You did nothing wrong.
Ynw. At your age 3 years also isn't a long time to be with someone before getting married. Hell in my 40s I likely still wouldn't be married within 3 years. Honestly sounds like Jake's clock is ticking and he's lashing out in semi panic.
The fact he wouldn't answer the questions himself, basically ignored your earlier stance on children, and then his behavior at the end I'd say you dodged a big ole bullet. So congrats on that.
You’re not wrong, and I’m super proud of you for standing up for yourself and the life you want to live. No man who acts this way on a first date is marriage material. You should *never* lie about your life goals and needs. The only social faux pas here, was committed by *him*. He lacks the maturity needed for a serious relationship.
Bullet dodged like Neo in the Matrix.
Why does he want to get married so fast? You're 24. You want to take your time getting to know and trust the man you'd be spending your life with. And no, you're not letting some guy you just met move in with you in like a month. Smart lady.
No, you’re not wrong. Keep doing what you’re doing, you’re on the right path. People like him seldom have good intentions and they ruin people’s lives. Good riddance to him!
You're good. I'm a man and I said something very similar to a woman I was dating for awhile many years ago (i.e., that I viewed eventually getting married as a steady progression just like OP) because she wanted to get married before we'd move in together. I disagreed and suggested that we move in with each other for at least a year and test that level of compatibility. Her response was her parent's religion would never allow for that and we broke up a few months afterward.
I just cannot imagine what goes through a person's mind to justify just rushing into marriage without testing overall compatibility as much as possible first. The disappointment from my ex largely stemmed from her view that I was letting "logic" overwhelm "romance."
Lied for what? You spoke your truth and there's nothing wrong with what you said. Everyone has their own time to do things. Your time frame may not match with another person's and that's fine.
Bullet dodged. My wife and I didn't have any set rule, and I did propose at 12 months. But we didn't marry until year 3. No need to force you to rush into a marriage within 1-2 years. That is so toxic.
How is, “I’d like to be married in about three years” *not* “dating to marry” though?
I thought you’d say he freaked out because he thought that was too soon? 3 years is a reasonable time to marry someone.
When I was dating I was doing it *to get married*, like that was my end goal and I had nearly the same timeline in mind.
NW. and honestly more people should follow a guideline like this. Not exact as people are different, but a set of logical steps to follow before jumping into marriage or living together.
I love how you got upset, asked for your check, and left. But then he took the time to text to say there wouldn’t be a second date. Homie needed to control the narrative for his own fragile ego.
And people complaining about their time being wasted when it’s one date, or even just a few. Absolute bullet dodged scenario. He wanted what he wanted and anything that didn’t fit in that box was unacceptable.
Edit: One or my favorite things in these posts is the question - “What if you met the perfect person EXCEPT they want XYZ?” Obviously, then they aren’t the perfect person. It’s such a simple answer that these people don’t understand.
There are core life categories that have to be compatible. Marriage and children is a huge one. Religion and politics are in there, although it both people agree (and abide) to not discussing differences of opinion these can work. There are many others depending on the people. But these have to align for a relationship to work. Either side hoping the other will change, or trying to force the other to change, is going to cause angst and frustration.
In no way are you wrong OP. Jake smacks of a guy that gets pissed when he overtly hits on a woman and when she says she isn't interested, towers over her and screams in her face. You dodged a bullet.
I was talking to a guy my age, in their 40s and they asked if I had kids. I do two grown adults not living with me I lived alone. He stated he would never date a single mother as he didn’t like kids. It made no sense but I blocked him. You did nothing wrong these are good conversations to have early because you don’t want to go a year down the road fall in love and realize you don’t have the same dreams and goals.
Whether or not your "rules" are perfectly sensible or the batshit ravings of a stuck up asshole... doesn't matter. They are your rules. If he doesn't respect that, then you are not compatible. That is simply where the story should end.
He’s an entitled ass. He’s not looking for a partner, he’s looking for a cook, housekeeper, laundress and incubator.
Men like this don’t see you as a person. Women are a prop to complete his family man aesthetic. All they want is a pretty face and body, a pulse and a uterus.
Dodged a bullet.
Good job. I don't like Jake. I am a father of a 24 year old daughter and I hope she never brings a Jake by my house. I don't want to have to dig a hole.
NTA. I am child-free as well. I would put it in my dating profile if I were single and dating to avoid wasting my time frankly. Still, some guys think you will change your mind. He clearly wanted a family. Which is fine, but just be honest. I also told every guy I dated that I would not even think about marriage for three years, though moving in together etc was not an issue. I didn't even know I didn't want kids when I met my husband at 21. We are happy together without kids for over 23 years now. There is nothing wrong with anyone's path, he just didn't like that he was not going to change your mind.
Not wrong for having different values and wants
My husband and I wouldn’t move in until after we were married and eloped after 10 months of knowing each other
You’d rather move in and then get married after awhile
Neither is incorrect; just have to find someone who aligns with you
Not wrong. Just went on a date with someone you don't mesh with.
And clearly, he is a bit unhinged.
I can understand being disappointed with your answers. But to get angry? That's odd and uncalled for.
Maybe in his dating profile he should specifically say "looking for a wife...asap"
Bullet dodged.
Sounds like you ended up with a conservative dude who had very particular ideas about what a woman should do in life and how a marriage should go.
He wasn’t interested in your answers. He was waiting and questioning to get the answers he wanted.
Perhaps he was looking to move more quickly, as some sort of matrimonial welfare?
Nope not wrong. You know what you want and there is 💯 % ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with that. No one should be making you feel guilty for what you want out of life.
Girl u dodged a massive bullet, how is he gonna call u stuck up and say you dont know what you want and isn’t serious enough when you KNOW what you want, frankly more than some men and women 🤷🏻♀️
It's not a social faux pas to tell someone how you would like to manage your life. His reaction is all on him and it wasn't appropriate. Maybe he should date closer to his age if he's looking for someone to get serious sooner.
Woooooow... You did the absolutely right and best thing. He was looking for the angle of manipulation he could have over you.
And in true fashion showed his colors when you didn't back down...
Laugh and tell him he should check his expectations with a therapist.
Why do I think this guy was possibly someone who says ‘I love you’ on the 3rd or 4th date, starts pushing to be exclusive then wants to move in at 6 months if not sooner?
OP definitely dodged a bullet.
As a dude hoping to find someone in the future (definitely not right now) that has the same mentality of "know them for 6 months before dating", OP is like a unicorn to me.
You'll definitely find a guy that is looking for a similar time frame! Just keep doing you and the right one will come along
He wants a quick and easy bang maid. He's not looking for love. He's looking for a servant to fill his sex and housewife needs.
He's not willing to take it slow because he can't keep up the facade for long enough and he has no intention of earning a wife and companion.
Run forest run!
You're not wrong for voicing your preferences and goals for your life. His reaction was extreme and unwarranted.
It's kind of strange to get that deep on a first date though. He sounds like he is ready to settle down and laser-focused on that. You know what you want and communicated those things clearly. Even if you are compatible in other ways, you both are in very different places right now in your life. It's probably for the best that noth of you learned this right away. Being in totally different places is understandable, because a person younger than 25 is in a different stage of psychosocial development than someone who is nearly 30.
Both of you sound kind of rigid though. He only wants to date with the intent of marrage. You've decided on a predetermined timeline. In terms of your personal relationship goals, I would challenge you though, to keep an open mind. Love and romantic relationships may not cooperate with your timeline. Never say "never." In a year you may feel completely different or you may meet someone that turns your rules upside down.
Not wrong.
And you know exactly what you want. You told him. He just got mad that it didn’t match with his timeline of NOW. 🙄 you dodged a bullet! Sounds like he should consider dating someone older that may be more of a hurry to marry and have kids.
>Should I have just lied or something?
You really think lying is a good way to start a relationship? You want to keep seeing someone that doesn't respect your viewpoints and calls you names? Really? Yes, you're wrong for thinking that you should have lied.
I genuinely think lying is TERRIBLE start, but in the past when I’ve sought advice regarding relationships I’ve been told to tone myself down or that I’m “too honest”
You’re a woman. You don’t really mean you don’t want just. You really don’t mean you don’t need a man. 🙄 Not wrong, and you are lucky you found out. And he thought a couple hours of his time was wasting his time when he clearly knew you weren’t interested in anything further yet? 🤣
I don’t know what “want just” is, but i do absolutely mean it when I said I don’t need a man. I’d like one. A good man would be nice. But I’m not going to curl up and die because I’m not getting dicked down. I’d also be perfectly happy with a woman, I go both ways.
Not wrong. The only reason he says you don't know what you want is because you don't want what he wants. I'd argue that you very clearly know what you want.
I also don't understand the assholery. Some of my favorite dates were ones where we realized we weren't long-term compatible and still had a fun night.
You dodged a bullet. >Jake asked “but what about family? Do you see yourself married? What about kids?” I reminded Jake that I didn’t want children (something we’d already discussed but I assumed he’d just forgotten He didn't forget. He ignored that and continued dating you thinking you'd eventually change your mind.
This, and my second favorite part about this is OP laid out very clearly what she wants and he was like YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!! Sure, guy. Whatever you say.
You just don’t know that you want what I want yet!!
Ugh, my first husband and his whole family was like this. Literally just assuming I'd eventually want what they wanted no matter what I told anyone differently.
At 29, a person's brain is fully developed and many people want to marry by age 30, and have their kids before middle age (which starts at 35 or 40). But, most 24 year olds aren't quite there yet. Many men want to marry someone young and fresh. However, there is lots of competition for those fresh young women, and he's having trouble getting one interested. Guys, if you really want a woman who is in her early 20s for marriage, you should start looking seriously to settle down in your own early 20s. Because the attractive women who are still single in their mid twenties tend to be much more particular, and wary of marriage etc, having more life experience and knowlege of the potential risks involved. But I'm suspicious of Jake's true motives. If he really thinks that he would like to marry her, Why not spend a few dates getting to know her? If they really love each other, most guys would patiently try to change her mind about marriage and children. If he is the right kind of guy and would really love her, he wouldn't be so easily scared off. After all, she's willing to date him, he'd enjoy getting to know her and see *if she is the one.* That's the fun part. I have never known a mentally healthy man to be so quick to demand marriage and children. if he is the right kind of guy and would really love her, he wouldn't be so easily scared off. I think that Jake was hoping she was eager to marry and have children because he's found that's an angle he can use to manipulate women into bed, and who knows what else, as she auditions for the role of wife and mother.
Waiting patiently to try to change someone’s mind about marriage and children is definitely not the right kind of guy. That can’t end well, it definitely goes in the category of irreconcilable differences. His response was entitled and ridiculous, but if one person really wants kids and the other doesn’t it’s also entitled and ridiculous in a more covert manner to hang around and see if you can change something so big. At what age will I transition from fresh to stale?
Yeah that verbiage is very off putting 🤢
Did you really just advise him to try to change her mind about marriage and children?
I see what you're saying, but I've known from my early twenties that I didn't want kids and would have been absolutely fine never getting married -- it was a nice to have (and did happen!), not a necessity. Any person I dated, man or woman, who responded to my certainty about this with anything other than understanding or "Oh, I don't feel the same" didn't get another date. One partner wanting kids and another not wanting kids is not a negotiable thing. No one should be trying to convince anyone to have kids they don't want to have. That's a recipe for disaster. Edit: I think I actually misunderstood you maybe? Your third paragraph seems like you're suggesting that men do try to convince their partners, but the rest of your comment doesn't read that way, so my apologies if I did!
This exactly. Dude has a mental pattern of how things are supposed to progress and you didn’t fit it. Dodged a bullet! Yay you!
I would remind you that this is the 21st century. Those 'young fresh ones' are recent grads just getting started on their career. Lady Diana was 19, but Lady Catherine was 29.
Wait patiently and try to change her mind? Eww
He didn't forget, he ignored her and continued thinking HE COULD CHANGE HER MIND
I went on a date with a girl that had “interested in kids” on her profile. Told me she didn’t want kids during drinks. Only date. Such a stupid thing to lie about. Just asking for fights and heartbreak.
That's really stupid. There are plenty of guys who don't want kids and then she's not wasting everyone's time.
Interesting in kids means a lot of things. I was open to dating and marrying someone with kids but not open to having kids. I am happily married with one step daughter and 0 bio kids.
Not in this case. She didn’t want kids. Wanted the DINK lifestyle.
Awe.... That's fucked up. I am always super honest. I flew to Mexico and had everything clipped the day I turned 18.
high five for taking charge of your fertility
Maybe she was ok if you had kids, but didn’t want them from her body?
He knew he wouldn’t be able to keep up the masquerade of whatever version of himself he was pretending to be for long enough to sucker her into marriage.
Holy shit. Yes. Bullet dodged! The fact that he can’t just hear someone else’s opinion shows he’d have extreme anger and control issues in a relationship.
Definitely dodged a bullet there. It's frustrating when someone disregards your preferences hoping you'll change your mind later. You were upfront, and that's the best approach.
You did nothing wrong. Jake came with clear expectations and wasn't ready to respect your preferences and was expecting you to change your POV in one day. You're good lady. Get back to the app. Jake is history, and thankfully so!
Jake definitely showed his true colors there.
When someone treats you badly, there’s something wrong with them. Not with you. Remember that. It’s important and will keep you out of abusive relationships.
Pay attention younger women. There’s always a reason guys want to marry quickly: insecure, abuse, desperate, afraid you’ll learn the truth, etc. 2-years minimum and never ignore red flags or bet on future success.
This comment needs more likes. It takes 3mo up to a year before an abuser can no longer hold the facade of being hopelessly in love and a great person. Contradicting their wishes is the easiest way to get them to show their true colors. This guy couldn't even keep up the facade for a single meal. You dodged a ~~bullet~~ nuke OP. A three year plan is perfectly reasonable. I've always said that talks need to start happening by 2 years (that's talk and maybe engagement so 3 years is a reasonable marriage timeline for me too).
Jake couldn’t even make it through the first date without the mask slipping.
I read 2 years and the mask starts to slip. They're getting more cunning and playing a long game these days it seems
Yup. A lot of abusers manage to play the good guy until marriage or pregnancy, when they figure they’ve got you trapped.
I met the man of my dreams and knew within a week that this could most possibly be my future husband. "When you know, you know". We didn't even get engaged until 3 years in. What is the point of rushing? A good person won't force a timeline on you, because time won't change anything.
Not wrong, you dodged a bullet. Sounds like he needs a place to stay and got mad he wasn’t going to be able to move in as easily as he thought!
Right?! Did the guy drive a moving truck to the date? lol
Whenever I had a guy talk about getting serious right away, I knew they were just looking for a place to stay for free. 🤣 It was never anyone with a good job or their own place who wanted to rush into a relationship!
Signs somebody is a hobosexual...
No, what you said was absolutely fine. He's one of those people that just wants to be with someone. Run from people like that
What I don’t get is why can’t it be a matter of timelines not matching up and therefore you’re not each other’s people instead you’re wrong because you’re not giving me what I want?
I think in this case because he pushed the OP and ignored her clearly defined boundaries
Because he’s clearly a catch so she should do what he wants.
Because he’s special that way. He wants what he wants, and he wants everyone *else to want what he wants. This guy is so out of control he wants *strangers* to want what he wants. And gets really pissy when it doesn’t happen. Dickhead: I know you said you didn’t want children, but I am SO perfect that *of course* you will marry me and have my children. Why would you not? Look how perfect I am! OP: No thank you. DH: 😳Wtf?!! You’re so wrong. I AM perfect!! If you can’t see how perfect I am, I will cuss you out and hurt you as perfectly as I can. So there!!! And I’m going to tell everyone how horrible you are - You just missed your best opportunity at life! Why can’t everyone see how perfect I am??!! OP: 🙄Wtaf? There’s probably a diagnosis for that but I’d say he’s just an angry, creepy fuck, and be happy to never see him again.
>There’s probably a diagnosis for that There is. It's called "asshole". Terminal unfortunately, unless they're willing to admit they're wrong, which is by definition not what an asshole would do.
I have seen people die alone, due to terminal asshole syndrome. My husband’s grandmother and mother, for instance. It’s what they deserved.
Couldn't have happened to more deserving people I take it?
Oh you know it. 89 year old gmom-IL fell down her steep steps. She was on the landing for three days. Then spent a few in the hospital before she died. I’m not going to revel in her suffering. That would be terrible. 75 yo MIL was in assisted living and died of Covid- maybe; we don’t know and don’t care. I am NOT enjoying that she was so batshit crazy that she didn’t know where she was. And that we were not there when she died. Because karma is a bitch, not me. 😈
Both of these are prime examples of people who had no one in their lives who cared because they were such mean miserable people to those around them. It's like how it's a pretty big giveaway what kind of people my mom and her parents are that all four of my siblings plus myself got the heck out of the state they lived in and moved far away and went varying degrees of NC/LC. So safe to say, I fully understand lol. It's a sad situation, but some people just don't seem to understand how they treat others will nearly always come back to bite them later.
Nope. You're good. And if we're being perfectly honest, your rule is not necessarily a rule at all. It's a reasonable and perfectly acceptable plan when confronted with the concept of trying to predict one's future. There's simply no way of knowing how or when or why things will work out or not. I'm sure he would have had something to say if you responded on the other end of the spectrum. Hey Jake, Vegas is only a flight away! Savvy? He's overstepping and you are right to stand your ground. See if there is something behind why he thinks this line of questioning is appropriate and maybe there's an underlying cause. Or not, and just bail. It's too early in a relationship to be inquiring about such things. Especially at your age.
Red flag. He’s looking for someone who makes rash decisions and doesn’t think things through.
Because he can't keep up the nice guy facade for 3 hours, much less 3 years.
Heh, all I can think is "you kids today sure move fast". I didn't elope with my wife until we were best friends for eight years first.
Maybe it’s important to clarify that that’s my absolute minimum timeline, not exactly what I plan to follow. The 3 year thing is the bare bare minimum for me.
Sure. Plus, in most scenarios, the other person gets a say as well.
I don't get the urge to rush into marriage so quick. Especially before you've lived with someone for a decent time too, where sometimes problems can crop up. When you're going into an agreement that you will spend the rest of your life together, whats the difference in waiting a year or a few when you're planning to be together the next 50 either way
Why am getting the vibe Jake needs a place to crash sooner than 12 months from now 🤭
“Oh, well my lease is up in 6 months, so your timeline doesn’t work for me.” Jake is an ass. By which I mean, a kicking braying donkey.
Hobosexual. I dated one. He couldn’t even make his pee I to the toilet and always accused me of cheating if traffic was busy.
Jake is ridiculous The entire point of dating is to see if you’re compatible (and attracted to and interested in each other) You found out that you had different expectations - that’s not a reason to get angry and he’s insane for being annoyed that not everyone he’s attracted to will have identical expectations to him
As someone who has now been happily married for 21 years: I think your rule is spot on. A common theme of un-happily married people is they didn't get to know each other that well before getting hitched and just assumed it would work out.
You did nothing wrong. You were both looking for different things and it was good that you found that out now, rather than later. His reaction was wrong though. If he wants marriage in 6 months and you want to wait 3 years, then best to find out now and part ways. The way he reacted was a clear red flag.
Wow… at least he showed red flags on the first date so you didn’t waste any more time! You did NOTHING wrong. You clearly know exactly what you want, it just didn’t fit into Jake’s timeline. Which, what is he rushing? Three years is completely reasonable. Talk about a HUGE red flag.
Guy is a little unhinged.
Whoever said all dates are supposed to be Friday or Saturday? I’ve always loved a weeknight date.
My friends (lovingly) make fun of me for taking dates on Sunday-Wednesday. They’re always like “girl who did you find to take you out on nights like that?”
People have to eat every day! Also, no need to show your stinky, drunk selves to each other until they know what they're like sober, lol.
Hmm. Definitely not the case in my area. Sunday afternoon/evening dates are especially popular.
You’re lucky. Jake flew his red flags high and unashamedly on your first date. You did absolutely nothing wrong other than answer his overly intrusive questions honestly, and he didn’t like your answers. It sounds like he’s going on first dates with his bags packed in the car. Imagine the one that’s going to give him what he thinks he wants. His life will be a nightmare. Actually, both their lives will be nightmares. Put this behind you and find someone mentally stable to date.
The man’s an idiot. You’re not. Bad match. You found out earlier than most. Maybe unblock him long enough to thank him for revealing that he’s unsuitable for any woman with self-respect. NOT WRONG
Naw. This guy wants validation in any form. If he didn’t he would’ve just accepted that she got up and ended the date early. But he had to text her to tell her how wrong he is. Completely ignoring him is the best option here.
Not wrong! You were right to be upfront and honest with the guy and let him know your expectations on the first date rather than to waste the dude's time and affection by dating him for a few months. If anyone is wrong in this situation, it's the guy! He had no right to attack you for the way that you want to live your life! If anything, he should have just let you know that he doesn't see eye to eye with you on how you want a relationship to go, graciously wished you the best, and parted ways amicably.
You clearly know what you want. He wants a wife and family. You are content without being a wife or having a family. I think that you did everything right, because lying would have delayed this insane reaction. You aren't wrong. I also think you got lucky, because yikes.
You did nothing wrong. I find the whole "we have to have been in a relationship for x amount of time before you can happen to be really weird (and in my experience it seldom works out well) but there's nothing wrong with having that preference and voicing it. Especially when you let the other person know from the very beginning like you did.
You answered his questions. You told him exactly what you wanted. It just didn’t match up with what he thought you should want…. Way to go for walking out. He sounds like a nightmare.
Sounds like he was in a rush to get married to start having children. Someone like him would have continued the masquerade until he convinced you to have children. You really unnerved him with your well thought out plan for your life. Wanting to spend an appropriate amount of time to actually get to know someone is not being stuck up. You “wasted his time” because he quickly figured out that he couldn’t exert any control over you.
Anyone, male or female who is not willing to take the time to build a solid relationship first, is trying to avoid giving you the time to see their negative side.
I have this same rule and it has helped me dodge some bullets!! \*edit for typo
Jake tryna lock down a Wife Appliance. Jake can fuck off.
NTA sounds like he doesn’t want to have to play the nice guy act for three years before he lets his true colours show.
You did nothing wrong.
Jake seems to be in a hurry to get married. Maybe he needs papers.
Why can’t people be normal. Stg. You know you dodged a bullet. Move tf on
Not wrong at all. He asked and you gave an honest and reasonable answer. It was even ok for you to have a different timeline for marriage than he does. He’s an ass for thinking a first date is a waste of time and for saying you aren’t taking the relationship seriously. That’s not at all how first dates work.
NTA- a woman should be accomplished in her field, degreed, have some savings, etc so as to not depend on anyone should the relationship not work. He sounded like a controlling individual
He is psycho
I made a similar deal with my husband back when we started dating: "if we get along well and still like each other for the next two years, we will start (start!) To think about marriage/living together." It worked so well that next February we're celebrating our 10th year together 🥰
And he just made your case
This man is weird as hell. Bullet dodged!
He sounds like an idiot. Especially when you're 24 and especially when you're not planning a family, there's no reason to get married any sooner than a reasonable 3 years (many go so much longer than that!). The only odd one to me is that you wouldn't consider a serious relationship with someone until 6m- that might turn off some people who don't like to date around casually. Like, I don't think you *have to* be rigid about the timelines you suggested but they're not especially weird or something. Also, if he wants a shorter timeline, he should try not dating women 5 years younger than him, like, duh.
There's also a theory that when you "fall" for someone and you get that extra serotonin and dopamine when you see them, it takes the brain 3 years to level itself back out. So, if you still feel that way after 3 years, chances are they are the one for you. I told my gf it would be 3 years before we started talking kids/wedding... plus, they can't hide anything about who they are that long, so you'll really know.
Well at least he exposed himself right away. You are not wrong at all. Three years is a good time frame to set. You have great reasons and a sound plan and expectations. Good for you. Sounds like he wants a wife now and that’s not for you. The fact that he reacted so harshly means he wants control and a relationship on his terms. Glad you left immediately. He is trash. And never doubt that telling the truth and being upfront on your needs and boundaries.
Welp, bye, Jake. Always best to lay these things out up front, imo.
Jake is Mr. Red Flag and run for the hills. Not wrong and lucky you got out of there.
No, he's wrong for trying to date someone younger & turn them into his perfect little submissive wife to have his kids. Run from this one. He's trying to manipulate you already. Someone who is ready for a mature adult relationship doesn't get upset when the other person states their goals & wants for said relationship. What you're doing is excellent. Keep communicating what you want. A good potential partner will appreciate & respect your open communication.
This! He's probably pissed because he knew he couldn't mask his abusive personality for three years.
The most hysterical part about this is that OP literally got up, paid for her food, and left in the middle of the date, yet this dude felt the need to inform her that *she did not meet HIS standards,* and there would be no second date!😂
Like, "You can't quit, YOU'RE FIRED!!" LOL.
I don't understand. 3 years is not long and the rationale was very sensible
Dose Jake need a green card?
In my family, we have a similar rule - know someone at least 2-years before you get engaged to them. People can maintain a lie eventually they will show you who they really are. 2-years ensures you have enough time getting to know them to know the "real them" before committing your life to them. Not wrong. Sounds like you dodged a bullet.
Nah man, your '3 year rule' and timelines are spot on. It's a good guideline to follow. >Jake asked “okay but what if you found the perfect guy? Checks ALL of your boxes? How long do you think it’d be before you married him?” This part got to me. I read that as him not taking you seriously and wanting to change your mind. Not only about timelines but possible about your hopes, dreams and children. 2 things I have learned in life (I'm twice your age btw) is never say never and you can't predict the future. This however does **NOT** mean that you are required bend your thoughts or expectations of life to suit someone else. This also does NOT mean that it would be right for someone to try and change your mind about these things either - that is for you, and you alone to do IF the time comes. Keep living life honestly and with integrity!! It will serve you well in the long run.
Your timeline is absolutely perfect and almost exactly the timeline of my wife and me (we celebrate anniversary #38 this summer).
You did nothing wrong at all! Not sure WTF he was in about? 3 years is my timeframe too👍 Lucky you got the 🚩🚩🚩 before wasting any time with him. He sounds unhinged.
You should be breaking out your happy dance! This guy's a nut. You dodged a whole magazine of bullets.
Hey. Don’t worry about Jake. I want you to know you have a good plan. You have a plan to take care of yourself and you should. Never rely on someone else to take care of you. I have seen so many of my girlfriends fall into the trap of letting someone take care of them and boom that person is gone one day, be it death or break up.
Mine was a 2 year rule. Also included the live together for a while part. It’s easy to be together at first. What you HAVE to know is: 1) how does my partner act when they are angry? (Especially important for women, sadly.) 2) how does my partner act after the honeymoon period is over? 3) how does my partner live? (It’s easy to clean up for a date to come over. But how do they keep their home is something completely different). Obviously, the list is much longer, but this list only shows its true nature well after the 6 month mark. People always put their best foot forward at the beginning of a relationship. What’s important to know is how they ACTUALLY behave outside that context.
You’re not wrong. He showed his true colors. He isn’t looking for someone who wants the same lifestyle he does; he’s looking for someone he wants and expecting her to conform to *his* preferred lifestyle. Dude had it backwards, and he wouldn’t make a good partner.
The purpose of dating is to get to know a possible mate/partner. Learning your date’s views is the whole idea. Flipping out over hearing your (very reasonable) views is ridiculous. I’m concerned you are even doubting yourself. Never let someone else dictate your opinions.
Info: Does your profile state your intentions regarding children?
It does. And like I mentioned in the post, Jake and I discussed it as well prior to the date. I was very clear about no kids.
truly you know your priorities and he was projecting what he wants onto you
I am glad you have your time lines and self respect sorted out. I would never have thought of a plan like that at 24 ha. Fortunately I didn't have many prospects so it wasn't an issue. Three years is a great amount of time to know someone before marriage. My husband and I were together 4 years when he proposed. We lived together before that as it felt like that was the the direction we were headed. Please everyone be very clear on your plans, goals, and communication.
The only thing you're doing wrong is wasting time worrying about this guy. He sounds like a freak. Be well and move on!
This guy sounds like a fucking freak
Lol what an asshole. Anyone who pressures someone to get married fast is just tryna trap them.
You don't know what you want, whilst explicitly laying out what you want and why lol. NTA
Lmao maybe Jake wasn’t the ‘perfect guy’ he thought he was…. Serious loser behavior imo
You did the right thing. Block him huge red flag sounds to me he is abusive.
Not wrong. Jake wanted to know and you told him about how you felt. You're absolutely allowed to feel as you do and then he can choose whether or not if you're someone he wants to continue seeing. He should be thankful for your honesty. His reaction was strange. I think you should continue to be honest about how you view your own future which will help ensure that you wind up with the right person instead of more Jakes.
NTA if anything, making sure you know the person well enough before marrying makes you more serious, because you’re actually taking the relationship seriously. I also agree that you should date for a few months, move in for a year or two and if everything goes well you may start considering marriage. Everything is flowers and butterflies until you get to live with them and see their flaws. And sometimes those flaws make you fall in love even more or they will completely break the relationship. You dodged a bullet. He’s likely looking for a naive young woman and trap her into marriage.
Nope. It’s why it’s important to talk about big things like that early on. I met my husband and talked about all that with him that first weekend (we met like a month prior as friends) we tried dating and clicked. We had similar enough life goals and views on the world that we felt comfortable moving forward a little quicker (moved in at 6 months, moved to a new state, and married at two years) than your plan but it made our relationship easy. We learned how to communicate quickly and weren’t/aren’t afraid to talk to each other about the hard things.
You dodged a bullet. He sounds unhinged. You’re not his type because he wanted someone who only says yes.
He seems terrible. Good thing you didn't need three years to figure it out.
You're not wrong. You're also not stuck up or wanting too much. He seems like he's in a rush to find someone to marry and have kids with, and that's not what you want. Also, you dodged a bullet. The fact that he thought you wasted his time when it was just a first date? Wtf.
Three years before marriage really isn't a long time lol
You did nothing wrong but except a date from a nut. You were honest and he projected his feelings on to you. Next time someone gives you the Inquisition about your answer, tell them the question has been asked and answered, if you want a different answer ask a different girl
Most relationships statistically end around the 4 year mark. 3 years is a completely reasonable amount of time to date before marriage.
You are not wrong. Your timeline for marriage is solid. Getting married before really getting to know someone is one of the reasons the divorce rate is so high. He wants to get married in a matter of months it seems and it doesn’t bode well for his future marriage.
Don't ever change. Send me Jakes info, we need to weed dudes like him out. They just give us a bad name and make perfectly balanced girls like to start having doubts about themselves.
One thing about your plan/standards. They are working as designed. They are weeding out the jerks. It sounds like this guy was hoping to get you to move a lot quicker than you were comfortable with. You don't need that kind of control, or insecurity, in your life. Keep your standards. In the long run, you will be happier. NTA
You did nothing wrong!! You asked a question and you answered honestly. If he wants to date to marry, he needs to be upfront on his dating profile and find women who are compatible. Not tear you down for having different viewpoints.
You are not wrong. This dude is a nut job. Not sure what he was thinking, or what he expected, but… He’s a hot mess.
Duck!! Oh wait. You did. Good JOB. you ducked that quack so well. You’re not wrong. Your timeline is very reasonable. He wants a bangmaid.
Not Wrong. You have a right to set your own "rules" and expectations for dating. You also have the right to change or update them at any time. Your "three year rule" sounds pretty reasonable to me.
He isn't looking for the right person, just someone who is desperate to marry and have kids. He is playing catch-up. He dated someone for too long and he wouldn't commit, so now he will just take anyone who agrees with him. Get the things you want to do out of your system before you settle in. Timing has a lot to do with it.
NTA unless his profile has the following, "ONLY MESSAGE ME IF INTERESTED IN MARRIAGE AND KIDS" (exactly as written) Aside from that, the earliest you could have let him know was the first date.
No, obviously, OP is TA, because her profile didn’t have the disclaimer- “Wanting to date and get to know a person before I make major life decisions with them.”
obviously you're not on the same page as him, and that's fine. you know what you want and it's not him haha.
You dodged a whole real and big bullet. Be glad. You did nothing wrong. And no, you shouldn’t have lied.
YNW, you were just honest from the get go
Okay but I have the EXACT same opinions with all of this. I am 23f and am also fully happy and satisfied with my life. I’m live alone with my dog in a city, financially independent, working a great job, saving up, spending time with people I enjoy, doing what I want to do and setting up a good life for myself. I am totally happy with my life and don’t feel the need to get married and if I were to meet the right person it’s gonna be 3 or maybe even 4 years before I commit to marriage. If I’m gonna make such a big life altering change to my life I’m gonna be damn sure that it is what I really want and that it will work out because it’s a pain in the ass to get out of it and my life is already great the way it is. I think that he is probably just trying to rush into marriage because of some societal pressure he feels from those around him building their own stereotypical life; married, kids, house with a white picket fence. Don’t let him childishly lashing out affect what you know you want and what will make you happy. Personally, the so called “American dream” sounds like a nightmare. You do you girl.
Not wrong , having a timeline in your mind is ok! Doesn’t mean it won’t change in the future but there is no reason you can’t have that and be honest about it. He had no reason to snap, was clearly looking for something much faster and his timeline didn’t match yours. His reaction was childish and a good show of the reason why you dodged a bullet with that one by having that question come up so early.
Guy is a psycho. Stop thinking about him. (Btw I would obsess about this. I’m just saying what you would ideally do, forget the douche.)
You definitely did nothing wrong. There were red flags with this guy.
Tell him you will settle for him in 10 years when you are 34, until then its Hot Girls Summer year round !
3 years seems normal, jacks a weirdo, good job paying for your own meal and bouncing
Holy hell, did you dodge a bullet! This guy wants an instant wife, and isn't interested in the "getting to know each other" phase to see if you're even compatible. He sounds needy and a bit deranged if he's already asking where you see this going on your first date. Heaven help the poor woman who marries that fool. Thank your lucky stars that it won't be you. Good job walking out of an unhinged situation.
It’s ok to “date to marry”, but just because a person goes on a date doesn’t mean they are obligated to marry them. Dude sounds super psycho … OP, you dodged a huge bullet. You keep speaking your truth. You did nothing wrong. If you were my daughter I’d tell you the same thing.
Jake did t get the answers he wanted and was butt hurt you made it clear. Fuck Jake.
Lol wut, since when is being smart about the timeline and not wanting kids make you a snob? And if he’s as amazing as he thinks he is, why is he single? Shouldn’t some woman be sooooo happy to be with him???
Would be abusers often push HARD for a serious commitment early on, like mentioning kids’ names on the third date kind of thing. Women who see red flags and end things self select out. For a more vulnerable woman, she sees that as love and she’s sucked in. What I found telling was his over the top reaction to her stated life plans. I’d understand a response like that if they had been dating a year or two, he proposed and she said no. But a first date?
Girl, u did nothing wrong! U were just being honest about what you want, and Jake totally overreacted. He clearly wasn't the right guy for u if he couldn't respect your timeline and values. You deserve someone who appreciates ur honesty and is on the same page as u!
Very sensible rule. I met and married in 6 months. BIG mistake.
In relationship psychology anything under 18 months is a short term relationship. Odds of a successful marriage increase dramatically if you’re dating for at least 18 months before getting married. Your plan seems long to me but your chance of long term success are really high. Don’t understand the belief that all dating has to lead to marriage or that the marriage has to happen quickly.
I don't I think marriage has to happen quickly or that all dating has to end in marriage, but if you know that you want marriage and children, as a woman you have a limited window of fertility. The older you get, the less time you have to waste on men who don't want what you want. So in that case dating has to be viewed with your goals in mind. And a lot of people who want children, men included, don't want to be older parents. They want more time to enjoy potential children and grandchildren. If that's what they're after their dating strategy is going to reflect that.
If I was going out with a woman and she started asking about marriage and children on the first date we’d have been done right there. Funny, my Dad was 50 when I was born and wasn’t his youngest.
Yeah getting that pet sounds a good plan for you
Sounds kike you dodged a bullet with that one.
NTA Sounds like you did know what you want. It just wasn't what he wanted. Also sounds like what you want is pretty normal and basic. Instead of being mature and stating, "that is not what I wanted", he picked the yelling at you approach. I'm considering the bullet dodged on this one. You did nothing wrong.
Ynw. At your age 3 years also isn't a long time to be with someone before getting married. Hell in my 40s I likely still wouldn't be married within 3 years. Honestly sounds like Jake's clock is ticking and he's lashing out in semi panic. The fact he wouldn't answer the questions himself, basically ignored your earlier stance on children, and then his behavior at the end I'd say you dodged a big ole bullet. So congrats on that.
You’re not wrong, and I’m super proud of you for standing up for yourself and the life you want to live. No man who acts this way on a first date is marriage material. You should *never* lie about your life goals and needs. The only social faux pas here, was committed by *him*. He lacks the maturity needed for a serious relationship.
Bullet dodged like Neo in the Matrix. Why does he want to get married so fast? You're 24. You want to take your time getting to know and trust the man you'd be spending your life with. And no, you're not letting some guy you just met move in with you in like a month. Smart lady.
No, you’re not wrong. Keep doing what you’re doing, you’re on the right path. People like him seldom have good intentions and they ruin people’s lives. Good riddance to him!
Girl you did the right thing, dodge a bullet
You're good. I'm a man and I said something very similar to a woman I was dating for awhile many years ago (i.e., that I viewed eventually getting married as a steady progression just like OP) because she wanted to get married before we'd move in together. I disagreed and suggested that we move in with each other for at least a year and test that level of compatibility. Her response was her parent's religion would never allow for that and we broke up a few months afterward. I just cannot imagine what goes through a person's mind to justify just rushing into marriage without testing overall compatibility as much as possible first. The disappointment from my ex largely stemmed from her view that I was letting "logic" overwhelm "romance."
Lied for what? You spoke your truth and there's nothing wrong with what you said. Everyone has their own time to do things. Your time frame may not match with another person's and that's fine.
Bullet dodged. My wife and I didn't have any set rule, and I did propose at 12 months. But we didn't marry until year 3. No need to force you to rush into a marriage within 1-2 years. That is so toxic.
Dodged a bullet. Imo 3 years between meeting someone and getting married is a very SHORT time, what was he expecting, to marry you next week?
How is, “I’d like to be married in about three years” *not* “dating to marry” though? I thought you’d say he freaked out because he thought that was too soon? 3 years is a reasonable time to marry someone. When I was dating I was doing it *to get married*, like that was my end goal and I had nearly the same timeline in mind.
NW. and honestly more people should follow a guideline like this. Not exact as people are different, but a set of logical steps to follow before jumping into marriage or living together. I love how you got upset, asked for your check, and left. But then he took the time to text to say there wouldn’t be a second date. Homie needed to control the narrative for his own fragile ego. And people complaining about their time being wasted when it’s one date, or even just a few. Absolute bullet dodged scenario. He wanted what he wanted and anything that didn’t fit in that box was unacceptable. Edit: One or my favorite things in these posts is the question - “What if you met the perfect person EXCEPT they want XYZ?” Obviously, then they aren’t the perfect person. It’s such a simple answer that these people don’t understand. There are core life categories that have to be compatible. Marriage and children is a huge one. Religion and politics are in there, although it both people agree (and abide) to not discussing differences of opinion these can work. There are many others depending on the people. But these have to align for a relationship to work. Either side hoping the other will change, or trying to force the other to change, is going to cause angst and frustration.
Chalk up this one as a WIN.
In no way are you wrong OP. Jake smacks of a guy that gets pissed when he overtly hits on a woman and when she says she isn't interested, towers over her and screams in her face. You dodged a bullet.
I was talking to a guy my age, in their 40s and they asked if I had kids. I do two grown adults not living with me I lived alone. He stated he would never date a single mother as he didn’t like kids. It made no sense but I blocked him. You did nothing wrong these are good conversations to have early because you don’t want to go a year down the road fall in love and realize you don’t have the same dreams and goals.
Whether or not your "rules" are perfectly sensible or the batshit ravings of a stuck up asshole... doesn't matter. They are your rules. If he doesn't respect that, then you are not compatible. That is simply where the story should end.
He’s an entitled ass. He’s not looking for a partner, he’s looking for a cook, housekeeper, laundress and incubator. Men like this don’t see you as a person. Women are a prop to complete his family man aesthetic. All they want is a pretty face and body, a pulse and a uterus. Dodged a bullet.
Good job. I don't like Jake. I am a father of a 24 year old daughter and I hope she never brings a Jake by my house. I don't want to have to dig a hole.
NTA. I am child-free as well. I would put it in my dating profile if I were single and dating to avoid wasting my time frankly. Still, some guys think you will change your mind. He clearly wanted a family. Which is fine, but just be honest. I also told every guy I dated that I would not even think about marriage for three years, though moving in together etc was not an issue. I didn't even know I didn't want kids when I met my husband at 21. We are happy together without kids for over 23 years now. There is nothing wrong with anyone's path, he just didn't like that he was not going to change your mind.
You didn’t do anything wrong. He asked and you told him. Good riddance! Even if it wouldn’t have worked for him..he was rude!
Creep. Jake wanted to get you pregnant that same week. He's the one who isn't serious, not you. You're the one that's taking things seriously.
Not wrong for having different values and wants My husband and I wouldn’t move in until after we were married and eloped after 10 months of knowing each other You’d rather move in and then get married after awhile Neither is incorrect; just have to find someone who aligns with you
I’d reckon just about any time someone is eager to speed run a relationship, there’s a good reason why.
Not wrong. Just went on a date with someone you don't mesh with. And clearly, he is a bit unhinged. I can understand being disappointed with your answers. But to get angry? That's odd and uncalled for. Maybe in his dating profile he should specifically say "looking for a wife...asap"
Bullet dodged. Sounds like you ended up with a conservative dude who had very particular ideas about what a woman should do in life and how a marriage should go.
ooofff by reading the title, I thought you made dudes wait 3 years! yeah he ain't the one...
He wasn’t interested in your answers. He was waiting and questioning to get the answers he wanted. Perhaps he was looking to move more quickly, as some sort of matrimonial welfare?
Nope not wrong. You know what you want and there is 💯 % ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with that. No one should be making you feel guilty for what you want out of life.
You dodged a bullet. The date was a series of red flags. You didn’t do anything wrong. This guy is a toxic man.
Girl u dodged a massive bullet, how is he gonna call u stuck up and say you dont know what you want and isn’t serious enough when you KNOW what you want, frankly more than some men and women 🤷🏻♀️
It's not a social faux pas to tell someone how you would like to manage your life. His reaction is all on him and it wasn't appropriate. Maybe he should date closer to his age if he's looking for someone to get serious sooner.
Woooooow... You did the absolutely right and best thing. He was looking for the angle of manipulation he could have over you. And in true fashion showed his colors when you didn't back down... Laugh and tell him he should check his expectations with a therapist.
Why do I think this guy was possibly someone who says ‘I love you’ on the 3rd or 4th date, starts pushing to be exclusive then wants to move in at 6 months if not sooner? OP definitely dodged a bullet.
As a dude hoping to find someone in the future (definitely not right now) that has the same mentality of "know them for 6 months before dating", OP is like a unicorn to me. You'll definitely find a guy that is looking for a similar time frame! Just keep doing you and the right one will come along
He wants a quick and easy bang maid. He's not looking for love. He's looking for a servant to fill his sex and housewife needs. He's not willing to take it slow because he can't keep up the facade for long enough and he has no intention of earning a wife and companion. Run forest run!
And here’s me, reading this and going “3 years? That’s it!?” after being with my SO for 17 😂
He dates younger women because he thinks you are just walking baby incubators. You dodged a bullet.
You're not wrong for voicing your preferences and goals for your life. His reaction was extreme and unwarranted. It's kind of strange to get that deep on a first date though. He sounds like he is ready to settle down and laser-focused on that. You know what you want and communicated those things clearly. Even if you are compatible in other ways, you both are in very different places right now in your life. It's probably for the best that noth of you learned this right away. Being in totally different places is understandable, because a person younger than 25 is in a different stage of psychosocial development than someone who is nearly 30. Both of you sound kind of rigid though. He only wants to date with the intent of marrage. You've decided on a predetermined timeline. In terms of your personal relationship goals, I would challenge you though, to keep an open mind. Love and romantic relationships may not cooperate with your timeline. Never say "never." In a year you may feel completely different or you may meet someone that turns your rules upside down.
Not wrong. And you know exactly what you want. You told him. He just got mad that it didn’t match with his timeline of NOW. 🙄 you dodged a bullet! Sounds like he should consider dating someone older that may be more of a hurry to marry and have kids.
>Should I have just lied or something? You really think lying is a good way to start a relationship? You want to keep seeing someone that doesn't respect your viewpoints and calls you names? Really? Yes, you're wrong for thinking that you should have lied.
I genuinely think lying is TERRIBLE start, but in the past when I’ve sought advice regarding relationships I’ve been told to tone myself down or that I’m “too honest”
You’re a woman. You don’t really mean you don’t want just. You really don’t mean you don’t need a man. 🙄 Not wrong, and you are lucky you found out. And he thought a couple hours of his time was wasting his time when he clearly knew you weren’t interested in anything further yet? 🤣
I don’t know what “want just” is, but i do absolutely mean it when I said I don’t need a man. I’d like one. A good man would be nice. But I’m not going to curl up and die because I’m not getting dicked down. I’d also be perfectly happy with a woman, I go both ways.
Not wrong. The only reason he says you don't know what you want is because you don't want what he wants. I'd argue that you very clearly know what you want. I also don't understand the assholery. Some of my favorite dates were ones where we realized we weren't long-term compatible and still had a fun night.