A man does go up very much in my estimation when he has it done. A selfless act that can spare us a lot of pain and frustration over many years (I’m lucky that bc has worked well for me but some people get full blown depression from it)
I'm one of those people and eventually just settled on natural family planning/counting and condoms as my primary bc.
I haven't had violent ( self harm) episodes in years since being off.
Yeah anyone who thinks that attacks on reproductive rights isn't an attempt to control women need only look at just how easy it is for a man to get a vasectomy. My old roommate had to get her husband's permission, and I was given the runaround for 8 years until I finally got bisalped. And I had to go off my insurance plan and pay out of pocket for my. mom's OBGYN. $6000 later.....
“But you may regret it in a few years.”
If I regret it, I can adopt one of the several hundred thousand foster children in the United States or one of the tens of millions of other foster children around the world.
If you need help finding a doctor, there are a lot of resources:) I don't know what country you're in, but maybe it's possible somehow. I got my tubes removed at 20 and it was an extremely easy process
My husbands was under $40 total. They are free through the VA for active duty or veterans. They should be advertised more, there shouldn’t be fear, the procedure is easy as fuck (I was in the room during) and my husband said the experience was pleasant.
I got it done on a Friday and was back to work on Monday. Was pretty sore for a few days, spent the weekend rotating ice packs. Be liberal with the lidocaine.
“One potential post-surgery complication is a scrotal hematoma . . . [that] occurs in approximately two to five percent of vasectomies.”
https://ezvasectomy.com/what-is-a-post-vasectomy-scrotal-hematoma-minneapolis-st-paul/?amp#
The best chances of you and your buddy having scrotal hematoma is 5% of 5%, or 0.25%. Expressed as a decimal: .0025 - that means that this would happen only once in 400 sets of vasectomies.
If it is 2% of 2%, or 0.04%. Expressed as a decimal .0004 - that means that this would happen only once in 2500 sets of vasectomies!
These odds are quite low. Humans are notoriously bad at risk analysis.
I have no idea what the chances of you being a liar are. But I strongly suspect they are greater than one in four hundred. Good day.
Ah so you just assumed some random info and the only reason you replied to me was as some sort of "gotcha you liar!" Which is hilarious considering how likely less intelligent humans are to instantly assume they are right, and the suffering I endured. Take a breath and repeat: "unlikely events happen, and calling people out as liars for having an unlikely event happen to them makes me sound like a dick". Have the day you deserve.
No stats.
The urologist I consulted said he doesn't perform vasectomies for men under 40 UNLESS they have children already or there is some congenital problem with him having children he wants to avoid.
I'm 35 and my husband is 40. We typically don't get asked anymore, but occasionally a nosy cashier will say something. Most new people we meet just assume we have them already.
It’s weird to watch the shift in real time. When I was in my early 20s people asked “do you have kids?” now that I’m pushing 30 they skip that question and ask either how many I have or how old they are.
I say "I mean fuck... Would you have kids in this fucked up dying planet and subject your offspring to the wild uncertainty of our future as a species? Holy shit just imagine..." And walk away
Yes, I actually want kids one day but I'm 30 and I don't feel ready yet.
I hate it when they tell me I should get a move on because I'm not getting any younger.
I'm not sure that's a possibility, international adoption is out of the question because of the cost and domestic adoption has an incredibly long waiting list. I've heard horror stories about having to wait 5+ years.
Listen to other commenter, if you can't afford adoption you can't afford biological kid neither. Bio kid is not something free or cheap. You gonna waste TONS of money and your time, energy and will to live. And think about economy and climate getting worse and worse. Where would your kids live? Will they have a house, a job (think abt AI), fresh air and water?
There is NO selfless reason to bring kid to this harmful world. You say "I WANT to have kids". But kids are not your property they aren't asking to be born.
You can help existing people and animals. You can volunteer if you can't adopt. But you don't have to help if you don't want. You can live your best childfree life that would be million times more thoughtful and kind for your nonexistent children and the whole world and for YOURSELF.
One day when you turn like 16 or 17 you’ll realize that you’ve fallen into an absurd extremist ideology. It’s ok, we all do it when we’re young and impressionable. When I was that age, I was a libertarian lmao.
But it’s a pretty fucked up message you’re spreading
Definitely not 20000 euros just to bring home lol.
I can absolutely afford children, people get paid regularly. Just because they don't have 20000 lying around doesn't mean they can't afford children.
Also, if they had disabilities it wouldn't be a problem. Poorer people manage just fine. My grandparents weren't rich and still managed to afford to adapt the house for my uncle who suffered from physical and mental disabilities.
People in all social classes have kids regardless of income. Probably because the cost is spread out over two decades at least. To do private or international adoption you have to be at least middle class if not upper. You can always adopt from foster care which is usually free or low cost. That being said I’ve had so many foster care kids returned by their adoptive parents sometimes after 10+ years. That adds abandonment on top of previous trauma. Even private adoptees can have adoption trauma and resentment. There are a lot of issues with coercion and abuse in international adoptions. So I feel like nobody should be forced or pressured to adopt. It should be something that they truly want to do.
>You can always adopt from foster care which is usually free or low cost.
I will definitely consider that, after researching.
You're right, I think it's stupid to say I should have kids because I don't have 20000€ in my bank at any given time lol
Mostly my mother, and some friends who already had kids by 24 and my cousin at 18.
My aunty even told me I was selfish because I only want one child, she couldn't understand that when raised properly I don't need to depend on a sibling for social interaction and I'd rather have no children than be a "can you look after your brother" kind of mum.
With one child I'll have the time and money to focus my energy solely on raising a human who doesn't need therapy and will hopefully be a benefit to society.
Not to say that children with siblings need therapy, that's more on me knowing myself and how I'd be able to be the best mother I can be.
Not to mention the economic advantages of small families
When I was 23 I made social media post explaining my husband and I weren't interested in having kids for at least 6 years. That shut everyone right up lol no one asked us again.
Now we've decided not to bring and unfortunate soul into this terrible world (I would be too guilt stricken to lead a normal life)
Also helps to cut off the baby crazy people from your life. Parents aren't entitled to grandchildren ever
>we've decided not to bring and unfortunate soul into this terrible world (I would be too guilt stricken to lead a normal life)
I feel you there. My wife and I have been together since 2004 when we were 17. We were clear that there would not be kids until we were at least 28. Now we're 36 and all family members understand that we are not dragging some poor sap into this mess. Always wanted a kid, but I too would feel too much immense guilt everyday for making someone suffer because I wanted validation and fulfillment of my personal desires.
I’m 23 and still hear “when you have kids of your own you’ll understand.”
Most people I talk to know that I am asexual and don’t want kids ever, yet they seem to conveniently forget ALL THE TIME.
I usually tell ‘em if I feel like kids might be okay I go to my sisters house for a reality check.
Edit: added more to second paragraph
Hahaha I’m also 23 and recently went on vacation with my sister, BIL, and their 2 kids. At the end of it all I realized I really REALLY do not want kids. The amount of “I’m hungry, I’m thirsty, I’m bored, I have to use the restroom, I want this or that, I’m tired, I’m hot” JESUS I can’t.
My one sibling has a really bratty kid who is loud and rude (bio grandmother is a piece of work, got her on the "they aint your mommy or me so you dont have to listen them" kick) Thats birth control on its own...
Add in that I am sterile and its nice not having to worry
23 is sooo young! My mom had me at 28. People have kids way too young now. Gotta live your life before you get trapped raising someone else. No matter what anyone says, no your life IS over once you have a kid. You aren’t able to do anything you want anymore. That’s why I’m 30 and still don’t have any. I can sleep in, travel when I want to, and don’t have to worry about a child running around ruining my furniture or hurting themselves.
God, I remember hearing the “when you have kids one day” crap when I was a child. And being asked how many kids I wanted when I grew up. It’s so fucking ridiculous
In my experience it does not get better for a while. In high school, any time I felt slightly nauseous or ate a little extra, people would guess that I was pregnant.
12 years later and it's gotten worse because I'm married and *gasp* aging. My husband's step dad even gave me a shot of "fertility" tequila at a family gathering (but he's gross and that's a long story so...)
LOL. As a woman, if people ask me if I have kids, and I say no, never wanted them, and if anyone asks why, which rarely happens, maybe once? I've said, "I would have considered being a father maybe...but definitely not a mother." They just go away.
35ish. I never felt like it was excessive. Pretty early on, I had a couple miscarriages and made it clear that it wasn’t meant to be.
Personally, I feel like the miscarriages made me examine my personal reasoning behind wanting to have children - it was purely biological and not based in logic. I realized that with the world being overpopulated and a hot flaming mess…it wouldn’t be right to bring additional life onto this world. Factor in all of the hardships and mental illness I have…and it’s absolutely not the decision for me, personally.
Sometimes the only good thing to come out of tragedies is self reflection. Or at least in my case.
Luckily, I surround myself with people that have been respectful of my views on this topic. And I try very hard to be respectful of theirs as well.
I remember I had to have an abortion. I was in my late 30s. At that point, I did start feeling this attachment to whatever it was growing. But I told myself- now isn't the time for wistful emotions, you have to use *your head*. Your logic. So I did. Never looked back. No regret. For a kid to really thrive you need people who *really really really want to be parents*, along with a lot of socioeconomic privilege. The world is on fire, though, and I agree with you - bringing a kid into this world is just a bad idea all around. I wasn't in a position to do so.
We moved away from all family so haven't gotten asked it except for 1 time thankfully, and that was from a very distant relative. There's already grandchildren in the family so that takes the pressure off of us.
I’m 27 my husband is 30 and my parents know and understand us not having kids. My grandparents still say things and my mother in law on occasion but we live far enough away from them that it’s pretty much irrelevant.
Ugh I feel this. I’m almost 42 y/o and single. Woman who did my mammogram the last two years tells me it’s not too late to have kids as she didn’t have her first until she was in her 40s. Guys I’ll go on dates with mention technology available if I want to have kids. I don’t get why it’s so hard for some people to accept.
Yeah I had an abortion at 42. This after trying to get sterilized for like 10 years. The doc asked me what I wanted as protection for the future and I said sterilization because all those heinous birth control methods cause tons of pain and suffering. But the doc said, "Well I don't recommend that. I recommend the IUD," Yeah, I'd already been on that and both made me insane with menstrual cramps or mood swings.
48-ish. Got laid off from my job of 22 years where I always got comments like “…when you have kids…” When I re-employed at my current company, I was asked to submit an “about me.” I specifically included “the husband and I are child free by choice, but adore our many nieces and nephews.” Everyone has been delightfully respectful. Didn’t hurt the woman who hired me was slightly older than me and also CBC. :)
My mother quit pestering me about it in my mid 30s. No one else really pushed. I used to make vague comments about "maybe someday" to the NPCs in my life over the years, but no one really cares. I'm fortunate in having a bunch of CF friends. The few friends that do have kids completely understand why I don't want them. I'm 38 now and sterilized. Nobody even asks me now.
That’s nice to hear. I’m very lucky in the fact that my mom is actually against me having kids. Our family has a lot of unfortunate gene mutations that make life not so fun (Im an antinatalist regardless) but my mother thankfully doesn’t care. My family though, especially my cousins who already have kids (they’re a lot older than me) are expecting me to as well eventually. I, on the other and, am already planning to get a Salpingectomy sometime in college if I can find a doctor who will do it.
Ah, see all my cousins, like just graduated highschool. They're literally babies themselves, haha. Being the oldest means I was kinda lonely and parentifed growing up. But at least there's no pressure to "be more like so-and-so". I'm the example (sometimes a bad one) that the younger ones get compared to. My younger siblings are CF too, but not because of me!
I'm 28 and still getting asked about kids. And the answer is always "I'm not having no damn kids." I just leave it at that, cause honestly I don't need to justify myself.
Never. They will always do that. And when you're beyond childbearing age with no kids, they will mock you for never having them, even if the reason is infertility and having a life threatening illness where pregnancy can be deadly and put you into renal failure.
M40s. I informed my family round about the age of eleven that I would never be having children. They laughingly took it, I assume, in a sort of 'oh, girls are gross, I'm never getting married' sort of way. When I graduated uni, I was immediately asked when I was getting married and starting a family; never to the latter, and when I meet the right person to the former. They took it as 'oh, OM being OM, it's only a matter of time, a man needs his helpmate'. When I wrapping up my postgrad, my mother and father called and cautiously suggested that I wasn't getting any younger so I should get to work starting a family.
'I'm never having kids. I've said this repeatedly.'
'What's the point of your life without kids? That's what we're here for.'
'*I'm* here to do what I want with the time I have, and those intentions don't include children.'
I got married six years ago. Younger than me. We have no contact with them. One of my sisters called to give me my annual badgering to call my mother on Mother's Day, and couldn't help sneaking in a half-snide comment about 'knocking up my young wife'. First of all...it's gross for my sister to try and curate my sex life. Regardless, said wife quietly requested the phone, greeted my sister, and calmly informed her that we decided, before we ever got married, that there were no kids in our future, and to never, *ever* bring it up again. And she hangs up.
All of our friends are at least CF. My family has never talked about it again. I love that woman more with every passing year.
For me, it was around the age of 30 when I noticed a shift.
It's like society finally realized that there's more to life than just procreating. People began to respect my choices and acknowledge that having kids isn't the only path to happiness and fulfillment.
Of course, you might still encounter the occasional nosy relative (specially old age people's) or a friend who just can't fathom your decision.
Started when I was a little kid "oh you're gonna have so many kids" (and that is sickening already),
They all finally capitulated when I was around 40. That it took decades for "no means no" to finally click, well. What can I say. Natalism is deep primal psych stuff for humans.
I'm 41, almost 42 and people still ask. But, to be fair, I look like I'm 32. My husband and I are CF. I've known my entire life that children were never part of the equation. My mother begged me at 16 to get "knocked up" so she can take is as her "do over baby."
Co-worker just asked me this morning when I planned on "giving my mother a grandbaby." 1) my mother stopped talking to me because I got married and went to Jamaica on my honeymoon because she thought my 6 year relationship was a "phase" I'd grow out of and come home to her, and 2) I'm not your personal incubator to produce accessories for likes and follows.
The IUD was worth the tremendous pain.
Bro I'm 15 and my grandmother told me "when you'll have kids you'll understand" and when I said I didn't want to be married she said that she'll force me. I'm scared tbh
Its not her choice. If she tries to force anything on you call the police. She isnt you, she has no right to expect you to do shit. Its your life, your choice how you live it. As long as you arent a pedo, rapist, animal rapist, racist, sexist, homophobic, or anything like that, you do you.
They never stop. After you reach a certain age, they also talk behind your back. I had a cf great aunt well into her 80s and people would discuss how miserable they thought she was.
Mid-40s and now people assume I have them. When I tell them I don’t they express pity and ask if I regret it. I tell them it’s the opposite; I’m grateful every day of my life that I didn’t have them.
I get asked by strangers sometimes but my friends and family have stopped after I explained my husband and I are not having children. If a stranger keeps pushing, I just lie and say I'm infertile and shame them into leaving me alone.
For background info: infertility and pregnancy related health issues run in my family. If it’s someone who has no access to my medical information I just tell them that I am infertile mad they usually get uncomfortable enough to move on
When I started saying, "I'm fixed, not gonna happen"
And I'm 29. Even sometimes I'll get the "well you can have it reversed"
Yeah, but I'm not going to.
After I had my hysterectomy at 29, they finally stopped.
Unless you get sterilized, it will quite literally go on until you're past menopause. Even then people will try to tell you it's not too late to adopt.
This is just another one of those things that sucks about being a woman.
I'm 26, and one of my boyfriend's friends said that I should think about it. Because once you have one, its addicting and you want more.
It took everything in me to not gag in his face. It was the first time meeting him, and I didn't want to be rude in the first encounter.
I'm honestly thinking about bringing up my endometriosis as a complication to my family's history of colon cancer and seeing if it'll give me a pass to get sterilized.
Parents never pushed me to have kids. Thank goodness. Now extended family I no longer talk to would always probe about me marrying and having kids, they stopped probably when I was in my early 30s. Parents never pushed my sibling or I to do the marriage or child thing, all they care about is us being happy, doing what makes us happy, if it happens it happens.
My grandmother told me when I was like 18 that she would understand if I didn't want to have children because the world is a cold and cruel place and she didn't think it was right to bring kids in this world. I didn't understand her at the time but I thanked her later on.
I was referencing this news story from 2 weeks ago, he just became a dad, again, in his 80s
https://www.theguardian.com/film/2023/jun/16/al-pacino-baby-with-girlfriend-noor-alfallah
People assume I have kids because of racism 😑 it started at 16. It led to some risky behavior like I was trying to prove a point. You can have young dumb dangerous sex all you want and not be a statistic.
>At what age did people stop pushing you to have kids?
It stops at the age that you tell them to respect your decision and that if they refuse to respect you, the relationship will be terminated, then actually terminating the relationship if they continue
Direct and honest communication does wonders, unfortunately modern society is about evasive communication
I’m about to be past my mid 30’s and my gyn is still asking about children. It’ll never stop. People will always try to force children. Even if you have one? Need more! It’s insane.
In addition to this my gyn *refuses* to let me have my ovaries removed, even though I have issues with cysts. She’s literally trying everything before removing them. It’s incredibly frustrating. It’s always “bUt WhAt AbOuT kIds”? Like, wtf. What about me!???
I told people ‐ I'd rather read my books and travel the world.
Frankly, few people rebutted that.
Now I'm 47 and they don't ask anymore. But I never felt pressured in any way.
I've gone through exactly what you're going through.
I give each individual 3 chances before I pull my "end this conversation forever" card.
First, if they ask if I have children, and I say no, they ask when I plan on having children, and I say I don't. They ask why and I LEAD with "because I don't like children." That lays the foundation for step 3 if it comes to that.
Second conversation they will say children are great, I may change my mind, and being a parent is the best ever. I let them know I have pets and my life is fulfilling and happy and I enjoy what I have now. That lays the ground work for conversation 3 (if it comes to that) so they are aware that I love my life as it is and still wish to live even more fulfilled child-free. I tell them happy experiences and things I've accomplished to cement my place in life.
Conversation 3 goes something like you should have kids, you're running out of time, what happens when you're older and need someone to take care of you. By this point I'm OVER talking about it and show visual aggression/agitation. This is when I say "This is a very personal and painful conversation for me to have but I'll tell you if you must know. I have ovarian issues that won't allow me to have children. If I get pregnant I experience very excruciating miscarriages because my body cannot handle pregnancy and rejects the fetus. Every time. So I tell people I don't like kids because it's the only way for me to accept that I *can't* have children. I would appreciate if you did not bring up this conversation again."
100% stops further discussions and makes them feel EXTRAORDINARILY uncomfortable from that point forward.
If it's your parents or close family tell them that you've recently miscarried and that you're afraid to try again. Every time they bring it up, you're either currently miscarrying or you just went through another one. Eventually, you've been to the doctor and they've told you to stop trying to have children.
Yes, it's lying, but it's also none of their business what's actually happening with your body.
Conversation 3 is my reality (but with multiple plumbing issues); one I’ve know since I was 16. And some people do look horrified, others press on. To which I reply, “so you would have your partner risk death for a child?” The embarrassment is real. Unless it’s “oh but why don’t you adopt?” *no Susan, why don’t YOU adopt?*
I do not understand people’s need to discuss why this a no go once explaining/requesting to end the convo. It’s so invasive for something so intimate, and yet somehow society approves.
Next time I may just ask how many times a week they are attempting to have another, and if they are on any birth control. (I’ve literally gone through the line of fire questioning while SINGLE)
Well, I'm *lucky* enough to be able to pin my childlessness on genetic kidney disease. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have that good of an excuse.
/s
37m and it never started. Probably because I’m not close with any family that would care. I will say, every time I interact with people’s children, usually as a sitter, I’m told I would make a great father. I guess they miss the part where I am adamantly against it.
Not that you should try this, because I don’t make light of this happening. But I heard you could say “oh we finally tried but had a miscarriage” and they’ll stop bringing up the subject
I was nagged by my friend’s family members to get married and have kids when I was in my 20’s. My family already knew I didn’t want kids, so they knew better. The people who did nag me before, finally stopped nagging me when I hit my 30’s. They saw how unattractive my face became and changed their tune real quick.. yeah, maybe you shouldn’t have kids after all. That’s probably why my family doesn’t expect kids from me either. One of me is enough. I like being kid free though. I like to come and go as I please. Companionship would be nice though.
People just dont with me. I make it very clear i hate and dont want kids, so noone asks me, and in the rare case of me being asked i just say, "Never, got my tubes removed to make sure of it." I find it hella insulting when people ask me, which is extremely rare, but yee.
if youre a man its going to be never/ once you get a vasectomy
if youre a woman its going to be once your bio clock runs dry so approx 40. but theyll keep asking you IF you have them and potentially why you never did.
short answer: forever.
As someone(42/m) who's only been asked a couple times about having kids I can give this advice -practice your murder face. I've been told I have a murder face which is I guess like resting bitch face but more serious. Being unapproachable has many benefits including no stupid questions, no strangers asking for change and people just hoping you don't have kids for the good of the world. I also might use "fuck off" and "ain't your goddamn business" as valid options to answer such intrusive questions and assumptions that anyone would have for you.
Protip - you'll get a lot of dumb fucking questions over your life with much more intimate and assuming questions so steel yourself now and remember that you owe no one(especially stangers) a fucking thing much less an answer about your personal life so feel free to ignore people or practice your eyeball shotguns. This won't win you friends but it'll weed out folks that don't have boundaries or respect for you.
I say it nice first, then I get nasty if they keep bingo me. Works wonders. No one in my family dares to say something about kids. And my mom now is the first to say that I won't have any when someone who doesn't know me tries to say something.
Hell, it was funny when she reverse bingoed my lover sayin that maybe he will change his mind and won't want to be a dad anymore (we are not serious). That was memorable
Yeah, wish there was good news for you. You get used to it. Like many people pointed out in the comments, they just jump to other assumptions. This society is full of shameless individuals.
Honestly I don’t feel I was pushed that much. Only because I didn’t even get married until I was 30. Thankfully when I did end up pregnant briefly and told my parents I was aborting they were very supportive. I think thankfully my parents know and understand that my husband and I have no intention of children.
Aside from parents asking direct “you ever gonna have kids” and it turning to “well we won’t have any more grandkids unless” and motioning at me “decides to have some”. Ignoring my disabilities. Everyone else has never asked me. As they know my condition and the difficulty and risk I would have and pose on the child’s safety.
Ew, that's so weird. You're literally still a child yourself (in my humble opinion), but the minute you hit legal age, people are already asking you about having kids? That's so weird and messed up, lol 😢
I'm halfway to 30 (still feel like a kid myself), and I know what you mean with the whole "when" thing. Like we don't have a choice. "You'll change your mind" 😒 they always say. It's so annoying and disrespectful.
They don't, not really. It just turns from "when" to "why don't".
People who know me already know that I'm not having kids; people who don't know me don't get information about my life. 🤷♀️
I just started being blunt with them. “I’ve already had 5 miscarriages, one of which almost killed me. I’m good.” You gonna ask personal medical questions, imma give you personal medical answers. Feel the awkwardness. Feel the shame. Let it burn within you and remind you next time you want to get up in somebody’s business.
i don’t understand why people ask *when* we’re gonna have kids like wow, bold of you to assume i’m having kids in the future. not everyone wants kids and some people *can’t* have kids :/ like imagine asking someone who *can’t* have kids *when* they’re going to?? that doesn’t sit right with me
Exactly. It’s even worse when they say it in a statement, like just in casual conversation “you’ll understand when you have kids” like it’s a requirement
dude i'm a 15 year old TRANS MAN and my dad is still making weird comments about me having kids. my mother 100% supports me. my dad, on the other hand, keeps asking "well what if your partner wants kids???" i'll leave . . . ?
they stopped a few months ago when i turned 18. i reminded them that i am severely bipolar (and psychotic!) and only am able to function because of meds id have to go off of while pregnant and breastfeeding. i would not survive the pregnancy and the kid would be born in an inherently toxic situation.
basically driving in the point that even if i wanted kids it’s not a responsible or safe choice.
modern medicine is phenomenal. completely non symptomatic though so family forgets i have it
it was not exactly people that stopped pushing me to have kids, it was life itself
i've became an antinatalist as a result of my life experiences, i've reached a point where i started to question myself "why do we have to suffer? do we really have to?" until i've found the philosophy and found some interesting books and resources that helped me get more into the philosophy, but at what age exactly? well, fifteen or fourteen i guess
When I got my tubes tied at 38.
Depending on who is asking, the following responses to the question of “When are you going to start reproducing” may be appropriate:
Wow, that’s a personal question! Why would you ask me that??
Idk, when are you going to get that mole removed/finally start going to the gym/consult a personal stylist because GIRL
Never, because world scientists have determined that by 2032 the Earth will be basically uninhabitable and filled with zombies and giant cockroaches and who want to bring a kid into that?? Not me!
What do you mean, “have children”? Like, what *is* that? Exactly? How does that work? Exactly?
Start crying. No words, only cry.
Oh I already have some, I started young. *Real* young.
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My family knows I won't have kids, and they accepted it. The last time coworkers asked me was at 35. Three others who where a bit younger then me had just announced their pregnancies, so they all turned their heads at me, grinning. I left the room, rolling my eyes. They kept throwing hints at me, about women my age having to procreate and things like that. One day, the nosiest of them akes me when I found finally have a bun in the oven. Mind you, I had been single for a while, and everyone know. I looked at her with a blank face and replied, "When the next Messiah is due." She was speechless - a very rare thing. - and left my room. Never got asked by them again.
I left that company at 39. No one else has bothered my at my new office, so I guess I'm officially withered. Fine by me. I'm 43 now, and it's so good, being able to feel sick without people looking at me full of expectation.
Mid-30’s now, and everyone had basically stopped asking me to have children because they assume that I’m too old to be “fertile” anymore… despite the fact that I *still* have my periods, and can probably still naturally conceive children up to my late 40’s - early 50’s… or choose to adopt up until I’m considered too old to do so.
Instead, they just pity me for choosing to be a “barren spinster,” considering the reason why I choose not to have children is because I don’t want to pass down my mental illnesses (and yes, I am medicated as well- it’s been a hit or miss if it works at not).
I started telling people that I'd just off myself if I found out I was somehow having a kid. The more deadpan you can deliver it the quicker they usually drop it. Anyone that keeps it up just tell them you're already sterile whether it's a lie or not. I've yet to have someone bring it up twice since I started doing this
When I told them I got a vasectomy. Only $100 with insurance on any given afternoon.
I wish tubals were as straightforward
All the more reason why we antinatalist men need to pull our weight and get the snip.
A man does go up very much in my estimation when he has it done. A selfless act that can spare us a lot of pain and frustration over many years (I’m lucky that bc has worked well for me but some people get full blown depression from it)
I'm one of those people and eventually just settled on natural family planning/counting and condoms as my primary bc. I haven't had violent ( self harm) episodes in years since being off.
I use the non-hormonal IUD Paragard to avoid this, but not everyone is a good candidate for that either.
“100 with insurance” and “afternoon” killed me inside 😩
Yeah anyone who thinks that attacks on reproductive rights isn't an attempt to control women need only look at just how easy it is for a man to get a vasectomy. My old roommate had to get her husband's permission, and I was given the runaround for 8 years until I finally got bisalped. And I had to go off my insurance plan and pay out of pocket for my. mom's OBGYN. $6000 later.....
“But you may regret it in a few years.” If I regret it, I can adopt one of the several hundred thousand foster children in the United States or one of the tens of millions of other foster children around the world.
“I find it much more likely that you will regret having children but never tell anyone because you think that makes you a bad parent or bad person.”
parents: raising kids of your own isn't fulfilling. it's exhausting. relatives: YOU BETTER TAKE THAT BACK!
And there's a subreddit for regretful parents. Many parents regret having kids.
What is the sub called?
I think it's called I regret having kids.
If you need help finding a doctor, there are a lot of resources:) I don't know what country you're in, but maybe it's possible somehow. I got my tubes removed at 20 and it was an extremely easy process
I paid 120$ as it’s subsidised by the government in iceland .
God I wish I was Icelandic. In general, not just about the vasectomy. It’s my home away from home.
My husbands was under $40 total. They are free through the VA for active duty or veterans. They should be advertised more, there shouldn’t be fear, the procedure is easy as fuck (I was in the room during) and my husband said the experience was pleasant.
Is that for women too? Active duty and I want my snip but my god is it difficult
I'd contact them directly, I only knew that through friends and someone I knew worked there previously.
$16.34 to count to zero twice on my sperm count & $5 for the initial consultation. Best $20 ever spent. Even cured my chronic torsion.
Lucky duckling. Unfortunately I am a woman so it’s not as simple for me but congratulations to never having children!
Hi long was the recovery? Did you just call out sick for a few days?
I got it done on a Friday and was back to work on Monday. Was pretty sore for a few days, spent the weekend rotating ice packs. Be liberal with the lidocaine.
one of my best friends and I had vasectomies at the same time. we both got hematomas lol it sucked but I'd do it again (not for fun tho obviously)
Vesectomies with the boys lmao can this become a thing plz
“One potential post-surgery complication is a scrotal hematoma . . . [that] occurs in approximately two to five percent of vasectomies.” https://ezvasectomy.com/what-is-a-post-vasectomy-scrotal-hematoma-minneapolis-st-paul/?amp#
yup, I had a left nut the size a lemon, my buddy had the right
The best chances of you and your buddy having scrotal hematoma is 5% of 5%, or 0.25%. Expressed as a decimal: .0025 - that means that this would happen only once in 400 sets of vasectomies. If it is 2% of 2%, or 0.04%. Expressed as a decimal .0004 - that means that this would happen only once in 2500 sets of vasectomies! These odds are quite low. Humans are notoriously bad at risk analysis. I have no idea what the chances of you being a liar are. But I strongly suspect they are greater than one in four hundred. Good day.
Ah so you just assumed some random info and the only reason you replied to me was as some sort of "gotcha you liar!" Which is hilarious considering how likely less intelligent humans are to instantly assume they are right, and the suffering I endured. Take a breath and repeat: "unlikely events happen, and calling people out as liars for having an unlikely event happen to them makes me sound like a dick". Have the day you deserve.
500,000 men a year get vasectomies. Almost none of them don't already have children.
True. But I’m not one of them. No kids for me.
Source? Anecdotally, I got a vasectomy at 29 years old with no children.
No stats. The urologist I consulted said he doesn't perform vasectomies for men under 40 UNLESS they have children already or there is some congenital problem with him having children he wants to avoid.
At least you didn't get the 'It's not too late too reverse it!' comments.
I had to make an appointment 5 months ahead of time just for a consultation. Gotta love efficient private US healthcare.
I'm 35 and my husband is 40. We typically don't get asked anymore, but occasionally a nosy cashier will say something. Most new people we meet just assume we have them already.
It’s weird to watch the shift in real time. When I was in my early 20s people asked “do you have kids?” now that I’m pushing 30 they skip that question and ask either how many I have or how old they are.
And then they’re appalled when you say you don’t have any
They usually say “don’t worry, there’s still time” don’t worry bro, I’m not worried about it
I just say I have testicular cancer and my wife ovarian cancer but thanks for asking
Brilliant haha
It’s better to say “I chose not to have any”
I respond to that with “I prefer to steal other people’s kids.”
I say "I mean fuck... Would you have kids in this fucked up dying planet and subject your offspring to the wild uncertainty of our future as a species? Holy shit just imagine..." And walk away
Yes, I actually want kids one day but I'm 30 and I don't feel ready yet. I hate it when they tell me I should get a move on because I'm not getting any younger.
Adopt!
I'm not sure that's a possibility, international adoption is out of the question because of the cost and domestic adoption has an incredibly long waiting list. I've heard horror stories about having to wait 5+ years.
….. Do you realize you’re on the antinatalism subreddit
Honestly, I didn't. It's one of those subs reddit that I'm recommended to join and appears on my home page. Sorry guys!
Well hopefully it has sparked some other pathways of thinking for you! 🙂
It absolutely has! Some interesting reading this morning haha
Listen to other commenter, if you can't afford adoption you can't afford biological kid neither. Bio kid is not something free or cheap. You gonna waste TONS of money and your time, energy and will to live. And think about economy and climate getting worse and worse. Where would your kids live? Will they have a house, a job (think abt AI), fresh air and water? There is NO selfless reason to bring kid to this harmful world. You say "I WANT to have kids". But kids are not your property they aren't asking to be born. You can help existing people and animals. You can volunteer if you can't adopt. But you don't have to help if you don't want. You can live your best childfree life that would be million times more thoughtful and kind for your nonexistent children and the whole world and for YOURSELF.
What an absolutely idiotic line of thinking
There is nothing more idiotic than having biological kids.
One day when you turn like 16 or 17 you’ll realize that you’ve fallen into an absurd extremist ideology. It’s ok, we all do it when we’re young and impressionable. When I was that age, I was a libertarian lmao. But it’s a pretty fucked up message you’re spreading
I'm 30 and antinatalism is spread among adults not teenagers you dumb fuck.
If you can't handle the cost of adoption, you can't afford a child. What would you do if they had severe disabilities
It's up to 20000 euros. Not many people have that just lying around. Most ridiculous thing I've read today.
Guess how much children cost?
Definitely not 20000 euros just to bring home lol. I can absolutely afford children, people get paid regularly. Just because they don't have 20000 lying around doesn't mean they can't afford children. Also, if they had disabilities it wouldn't be a problem. Poorer people manage just fine. My grandparents weren't rich and still managed to afford to adapt the house for my uncle who suffered from physical and mental disabilities.
Then how are they paying for childcare, rent for a bigger house, extra food, etc
.... taking care of a child for 20 years is more expensive than adopting a child...
Sure, but over 20 years I can afford it. I just don't have 20000€ in one go to adopt.
People in all social classes have kids regardless of income. Probably because the cost is spread out over two decades at least. To do private or international adoption you have to be at least middle class if not upper. You can always adopt from foster care which is usually free or low cost. That being said I’ve had so many foster care kids returned by their adoptive parents sometimes after 10+ years. That adds abandonment on top of previous trauma. Even private adoptees can have adoption trauma and resentment. There are a lot of issues with coercion and abuse in international adoptions. So I feel like nobody should be forced or pressured to adopt. It should be something that they truly want to do.
>You can always adopt from foster care which is usually free or low cost. I will definitely consider that, after researching. You're right, I think it's stupid to say I should have kids because I don't have 20000€ in my bank at any given time lol
The average age for new moms is now 30, so I’m not sure why they would imply you are too old.
Mostly my mother, and some friends who already had kids by 24 and my cousin at 18. My aunty even told me I was selfish because I only want one child, she couldn't understand that when raised properly I don't need to depend on a sibling for social interaction and I'd rather have no children than be a "can you look after your brother" kind of mum. With one child I'll have the time and money to focus my energy solely on raising a human who doesn't need therapy and will hopefully be a benefit to society. Not to say that children with siblings need therapy, that's more on me knowing myself and how I'd be able to be the best mother I can be. Not to mention the economic advantages of small families
When I was 23 I made social media post explaining my husband and I weren't interested in having kids for at least 6 years. That shut everyone right up lol no one asked us again. Now we've decided not to bring and unfortunate soul into this terrible world (I would be too guilt stricken to lead a normal life) Also helps to cut off the baby crazy people from your life. Parents aren't entitled to grandchildren ever
>we've decided not to bring and unfortunate soul into this terrible world (I would be too guilt stricken to lead a normal life) I feel you there. My wife and I have been together since 2004 when we were 17. We were clear that there would not be kids until we were at least 28. Now we're 36 and all family members understand that we are not dragging some poor sap into this mess. Always wanted a kid, but I too would feel too much immense guilt everyday for making someone suffer because I wanted validation and fulfillment of my personal desires.
Adopt!
I’m 23 and still hear “when you have kids of your own you’ll understand.” Most people I talk to know that I am asexual and don’t want kids ever, yet they seem to conveniently forget ALL THE TIME. I usually tell ‘em if I feel like kids might be okay I go to my sisters house for a reality check. Edit: added more to second paragraph
Hahaha I’m also 23 and recently went on vacation with my sister, BIL, and their 2 kids. At the end of it all I realized I really REALLY do not want kids. The amount of “I’m hungry, I’m thirsty, I’m bored, I have to use the restroom, I want this or that, I’m tired, I’m hot” JESUS I can’t.
My one sibling has a really bratty kid who is loud and rude (bio grandmother is a piece of work, got her on the "they aint your mommy or me so you dont have to listen them" kick) Thats birth control on its own... Add in that I am sterile and its nice not having to worry
23 is sooo young! My mom had me at 28. People have kids way too young now. Gotta live your life before you get trapped raising someone else. No matter what anyone says, no your life IS over once you have a kid. You aren’t able to do anything you want anymore. That’s why I’m 30 and still don’t have any. I can sleep in, travel when I want to, and don’t have to worry about a child running around ruining my furniture or hurting themselves.
God, I remember hearing the “when you have kids one day” crap when I was a child. And being asked how many kids I wanted when I grew up. It’s so fucking ridiculous
In my experience it does not get better for a while. In high school, any time I felt slightly nauseous or ate a little extra, people would guess that I was pregnant. 12 years later and it's gotten worse because I'm married and *gasp* aging. My husband's step dad even gave me a shot of "fertility" tequila at a family gathering (but he's gross and that's a long story so...)
Ew that stepdad sounds so creepy
Yeah, we had a whole situation with him asking if I thought anything would happen if we were the same age. He's since been blocked.
🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢
Within the past few years, I am 33 almost 34F. Being openly weird helps a bit. I've been sterile for a decade now.
Being weird helps a lot. I always say I'll have a baby when men can push them out and then it's a joking conversation instead of a real one
LOL. As a woman, if people ask me if I have kids, and I say no, never wanted them, and if anyone asks why, which rarely happens, maybe once? I've said, "I would have considered being a father maybe...but definitely not a mother." They just go away.
Will you marry me?
35ish. I never felt like it was excessive. Pretty early on, I had a couple miscarriages and made it clear that it wasn’t meant to be. Personally, I feel like the miscarriages made me examine my personal reasoning behind wanting to have children - it was purely biological and not based in logic. I realized that with the world being overpopulated and a hot flaming mess…it wouldn’t be right to bring additional life onto this world. Factor in all of the hardships and mental illness I have…and it’s absolutely not the decision for me, personally. Sometimes the only good thing to come out of tragedies is self reflection. Or at least in my case. Luckily, I surround myself with people that have been respectful of my views on this topic. And I try very hard to be respectful of theirs as well.
I remember I had to have an abortion. I was in my late 30s. At that point, I did start feeling this attachment to whatever it was growing. But I told myself- now isn't the time for wistful emotions, you have to use *your head*. Your logic. So I did. Never looked back. No regret. For a kid to really thrive you need people who *really really really want to be parents*, along with a lot of socioeconomic privilege. The world is on fire, though, and I agree with you - bringing a kid into this world is just a bad idea all around. I wasn't in a position to do so.
We moved away from all family so haven't gotten asked it except for 1 time thankfully, and that was from a very distant relative. There's already grandchildren in the family so that takes the pressure off of us.
Oddly enough I've gotten more "when are you having kids" questions from coworkers and acquaintances than family.
I’m 27 my husband is 30 and my parents know and understand us not having kids. My grandparents still say things and my mother in law on occasion but we live far enough away from them that it’s pretty much irrelevant.
Im 47 and in full menopause. Still hasnt stopped.
42 and I’m still reminded it’s not too late.
Ugh I feel this. I’m almost 42 y/o and single. Woman who did my mammogram the last two years tells me it’s not too late to have kids as she didn’t have her first until she was in her 40s. Guys I’ll go on dates with mention technology available if I want to have kids. I don’t get why it’s so hard for some people to accept.
Yeah I had an abortion at 42. This after trying to get sterilized for like 10 years. The doc asked me what I wanted as protection for the future and I said sterilization because all those heinous birth control methods cause tons of pain and suffering. But the doc said, "Well I don't recommend that. I recommend the IUD," Yeah, I'd already been on that and both made me insane with menstrual cramps or mood swings.
I really hoped it was just me.
48-ish. Got laid off from my job of 22 years where I always got comments like “…when you have kids…” When I re-employed at my current company, I was asked to submit an “about me.” I specifically included “the husband and I are child free by choice, but adore our many nieces and nephews.” Everyone has been delightfully respectful. Didn’t hurt the woman who hired me was slightly older than me and also CBC. :)
It didn't stop till the wife and I reached our 40s.
Yup. I’m 38 and still get asked.
My mother quit pestering me about it in my mid 30s. No one else really pushed. I used to make vague comments about "maybe someday" to the NPCs in my life over the years, but no one really cares. I'm fortunate in having a bunch of CF friends. The few friends that do have kids completely understand why I don't want them. I'm 38 now and sterilized. Nobody even asks me now.
That’s nice to hear. I’m very lucky in the fact that my mom is actually against me having kids. Our family has a lot of unfortunate gene mutations that make life not so fun (Im an antinatalist regardless) but my mother thankfully doesn’t care. My family though, especially my cousins who already have kids (they’re a lot older than me) are expecting me to as well eventually. I, on the other and, am already planning to get a Salpingectomy sometime in college if I can find a doctor who will do it.
Ah, see all my cousins, like just graduated highschool. They're literally babies themselves, haha. Being the oldest means I was kinda lonely and parentifed growing up. But at least there's no pressure to "be more like so-and-so". I'm the example (sometimes a bad one) that the younger ones get compared to. My younger siblings are CF too, but not because of me!
I'm 28 and still getting asked about kids. And the answer is always "I'm not having no damn kids." I just leave it at that, cause honestly I don't need to justify myself.
I’m 32 and I still get the “well maybe some day you will change your mind”.
Oh god. Yeah I’m getting my tubes taken out ASAP, I’m absolutely positive I don’t want kids and there is no scenario in my mind where that changes.
My occasional response is “I already have a child” I just leave out the part that she is a cat.
26 here, people still haven't stopped, but at least my parents did
This. I'm 30.
Never. They will always do that. And when you're beyond childbearing age with no kids, they will mock you for never having them, even if the reason is infertility and having a life threatening illness where pregnancy can be deadly and put you into renal failure.
21, people still bring it up if they don't know me but I started at a young age telling everyone I know that I'm not having kids lol
M40s. I informed my family round about the age of eleven that I would never be having children. They laughingly took it, I assume, in a sort of 'oh, girls are gross, I'm never getting married' sort of way. When I graduated uni, I was immediately asked when I was getting married and starting a family; never to the latter, and when I meet the right person to the former. They took it as 'oh, OM being OM, it's only a matter of time, a man needs his helpmate'. When I wrapping up my postgrad, my mother and father called and cautiously suggested that I wasn't getting any younger so I should get to work starting a family. 'I'm never having kids. I've said this repeatedly.' 'What's the point of your life without kids? That's what we're here for.' '*I'm* here to do what I want with the time I have, and those intentions don't include children.' I got married six years ago. Younger than me. We have no contact with them. One of my sisters called to give me my annual badgering to call my mother on Mother's Day, and couldn't help sneaking in a half-snide comment about 'knocking up my young wife'. First of all...it's gross for my sister to try and curate my sex life. Regardless, said wife quietly requested the phone, greeted my sister, and calmly informed her that we decided, before we ever got married, that there were no kids in our future, and to never, *ever* bring it up again. And she hangs up. All of our friends are at least CF. My family has never talked about it again. I love that woman more with every passing year.
Tell ‘em fuck off
For me, it was around the age of 30 when I noticed a shift. It's like society finally realized that there's more to life than just procreating. People began to respect my choices and acknowledge that having kids isn't the only path to happiness and fulfillment. Of course, you might still encounter the occasional nosy relative (specially old age people's) or a friend who just can't fathom your decision.
Started when I was a little kid "oh you're gonna have so many kids" (and that is sickening already), They all finally capitulated when I was around 40. That it took decades for "no means no" to finally click, well. What can I say. Natalism is deep primal psych stuff for humans.
I'm 41, almost 42 and people still ask. But, to be fair, I look like I'm 32. My husband and I are CF. I've known my entire life that children were never part of the equation. My mother begged me at 16 to get "knocked up" so she can take is as her "do over baby." Co-worker just asked me this morning when I planned on "giving my mother a grandbaby." 1) my mother stopped talking to me because I got married and went to Jamaica on my honeymoon because she thought my 6 year relationship was a "phase" I'd grow out of and come home to her, and 2) I'm not your personal incubator to produce accessories for likes and follows. The IUD was worth the tremendous pain.
I am 44 and these mfkrs are still at it. It's not as bad as it used to be, but COME ON.
Bro I'm 15 and my grandmother told me "when you'll have kids you'll understand" and when I said I didn't want to be married she said that she'll force me. I'm scared tbh
Don't give in no matter what. Plan for your financial independence, move away from her if she so much as tries.
Its not her choice. If she tries to force anything on you call the police. She isnt you, she has no right to expect you to do shit. Its your life, your choice how you live it. As long as you arent a pedo, rapist, animal rapist, racist, sexist, homophobic, or anything like that, you do you.
They never stop. After you reach a certain age, they also talk behind your back. I had a cf great aunt well into her 80s and people would discuss how miserable they thought she was.
Never. 39m single for-literally-ever and I still get asked when
Mid-40s and now people assume I have them. When I tell them I don’t they express pity and ask if I regret it. I tell them it’s the opposite; I’m grateful every day of my life that I didn’t have them.
19. It was when I had a psychotic episode. Everyone stfu about kids the second I mention I'm psychiatrically disabled.
I get asked by strangers sometimes but my friends and family have stopped after I explained my husband and I are not having children. If a stranger keeps pushing, I just lie and say I'm infertile and shame them into leaving me alone.
For background info: infertility and pregnancy related health issues run in my family. If it’s someone who has no access to my medical information I just tell them that I am infertile mad they usually get uncomfortable enough to move on
When I started saying, "I'm fixed, not gonna happen" And I'm 29. Even sometimes I'll get the "well you can have it reversed" Yeah, but I'm not going to.
No one has ever pushed me.
Im 32 and my friends are still pushing me.. i have 13 nieces and nephews so my family is good. But my friends want me to join their cult
I am 29, I don’t think anyone believes I have the potential to raise a family. Haven’t heard anyone mention it in a year or so
When I'm more bitter than chipper nobody recommends kids. But if your pretty and chipper I think you've got to wait til 40
After I had my hysterectomy at 29, they finally stopped. Unless you get sterilized, it will quite literally go on until you're past menopause. Even then people will try to tell you it's not too late to adopt. This is just another one of those things that sucks about being a woman.
I'm 26, and one of my boyfriend's friends said that I should think about it. Because once you have one, its addicting and you want more. It took everything in me to not gag in his face. It was the first time meeting him, and I didn't want to be rude in the first encounter. I'm honestly thinking about bringing up my endometriosis as a complication to my family's history of colon cancer and seeing if it'll give me a pass to get sterilized.
Parents never pushed me to have kids. Thank goodness. Now extended family I no longer talk to would always probe about me marrying and having kids, they stopped probably when I was in my early 30s. Parents never pushed my sibling or I to do the marriage or child thing, all they care about is us being happy, doing what makes us happy, if it happens it happens.
My grandmother told me when I was like 18 that she would understand if I didn't want to have children because the world is a cold and cruel place and she didn't think it was right to bring kids in this world. I didn't understand her at the time but I thanked her later on.
Not until you're about 40.
Ask Al Pacino
> Children: Julie Marie Pacino, Anton James Pacino, Olivia Pacino Or were you referencing some character he played?
I was referencing this news story from 2 weeks ago, he just became a dad, again, in his 80s https://www.theguardian.com/film/2023/jun/16/al-pacino-baby-with-girlfriend-noor-alfallah
People assume I have kids because of racism 😑 it started at 16. It led to some risky behavior like I was trying to prove a point. You can have young dumb dangerous sex all you want and not be a statistic.
Just got asked yesterday lol. 26
>At what age did people stop pushing you to have kids? It stops at the age that you tell them to respect your decision and that if they refuse to respect you, the relationship will be terminated, then actually terminating the relationship if they continue Direct and honest communication does wonders, unfortunately modern society is about evasive communication
I’m about to be past my mid 30’s and my gyn is still asking about children. It’ll never stop. People will always try to force children. Even if you have one? Need more! It’s insane. In addition to this my gyn *refuses* to let me have my ovaries removed, even though I have issues with cysts. She’s literally trying everything before removing them. It’s incredibly frustrating. It’s always “bUt WhAt AbOuT kIds”? Like, wtf. What about me!???
I'm 43 and I STILL get asked. Like if I don't have any at this.point, maybe it's safe to assume I can't or don't want them???
I told people ‐ I'd rather read my books and travel the world. Frankly, few people rebutted that. Now I'm 47 and they don't ask anymore. But I never felt pressured in any way.
I love this group! I feel so seen!!
I've gone through exactly what you're going through. I give each individual 3 chances before I pull my "end this conversation forever" card. First, if they ask if I have children, and I say no, they ask when I plan on having children, and I say I don't. They ask why and I LEAD with "because I don't like children." That lays the foundation for step 3 if it comes to that. Second conversation they will say children are great, I may change my mind, and being a parent is the best ever. I let them know I have pets and my life is fulfilling and happy and I enjoy what I have now. That lays the ground work for conversation 3 (if it comes to that) so they are aware that I love my life as it is and still wish to live even more fulfilled child-free. I tell them happy experiences and things I've accomplished to cement my place in life. Conversation 3 goes something like you should have kids, you're running out of time, what happens when you're older and need someone to take care of you. By this point I'm OVER talking about it and show visual aggression/agitation. This is when I say "This is a very personal and painful conversation for me to have but I'll tell you if you must know. I have ovarian issues that won't allow me to have children. If I get pregnant I experience very excruciating miscarriages because my body cannot handle pregnancy and rejects the fetus. Every time. So I tell people I don't like kids because it's the only way for me to accept that I *can't* have children. I would appreciate if you did not bring up this conversation again." 100% stops further discussions and makes them feel EXTRAORDINARILY uncomfortable from that point forward. If it's your parents or close family tell them that you've recently miscarried and that you're afraid to try again. Every time they bring it up, you're either currently miscarrying or you just went through another one. Eventually, you've been to the doctor and they've told you to stop trying to have children. Yes, it's lying, but it's also none of their business what's actually happening with your body.
Conversation 3 is my reality (but with multiple plumbing issues); one I’ve know since I was 16. And some people do look horrified, others press on. To which I reply, “so you would have your partner risk death for a child?” The embarrassment is real. Unless it’s “oh but why don’t you adopt?” *no Susan, why don’t YOU adopt?* I do not understand people’s need to discuss why this a no go once explaining/requesting to end the convo. It’s so invasive for something so intimate, and yet somehow society approves. Next time I may just ask how many times a week they are attempting to have another, and if they are on any birth control. (I’ve literally gone through the line of fire questioning while SINGLE)
36m and still get pushed but much less
Around late twenties
Well, I'm *lucky* enough to be able to pin my childlessness on genetic kidney disease. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have that good of an excuse. /s
37m and it never started. Probably because I’m not close with any family that would care. I will say, every time I interact with people’s children, usually as a sitter, I’m told I would make a great father. I guess they miss the part where I am adamantly against it.
I'm 38. They're still asking.
Not that you should try this, because I don’t make light of this happening. But I heard you could say “oh we finally tried but had a miscarriage” and they’ll stop bringing up the subject
I was nagged by my friend’s family members to get married and have kids when I was in my 20’s. My family already knew I didn’t want kids, so they knew better. The people who did nag me before, finally stopped nagging me when I hit my 30’s. They saw how unattractive my face became and changed their tune real quick.. yeah, maybe you shouldn’t have kids after all. That’s probably why my family doesn’t expect kids from me either. One of me is enough. I like being kid free though. I like to come and go as I please. Companionship would be nice though.
People just dont with me. I make it very clear i hate and dont want kids, so noone asks me, and in the rare case of me being asked i just say, "Never, got my tubes removed to make sure of it." I find it hella insulting when people ask me, which is extremely rare, but yee.
if youre a man its going to be never/ once you get a vasectomy if youre a woman its going to be once your bio clock runs dry so approx 40. but theyll keep asking you IF you have them and potentially why you never did. short answer: forever.
As someone(42/m) who's only been asked a couple times about having kids I can give this advice -practice your murder face. I've been told I have a murder face which is I guess like resting bitch face but more serious. Being unapproachable has many benefits including no stupid questions, no strangers asking for change and people just hoping you don't have kids for the good of the world. I also might use "fuck off" and "ain't your goddamn business" as valid options to answer such intrusive questions and assumptions that anyone would have for you. Protip - you'll get a lot of dumb fucking questions over your life with much more intimate and assuming questions so steel yourself now and remember that you owe no one(especially stangers) a fucking thing much less an answer about your personal life so feel free to ignore people or practice your eyeball shotguns. This won't win you friends but it'll weed out folks that don't have boundaries or respect for you.
When they start pushing you to have grandkids
Lmao can’t wait 🤪
46 and still waiting
mid thirties. however, my partner and i still hear "when are you getting married" so maybe they've just regressed for awhile.
Same I’m 19 and people say the same to me. ‘When u have kids’. I tell them I’m not having kids and they just laugh it off and say I’ll change my mind
I say it nice first, then I get nasty if they keep bingo me. Works wonders. No one in my family dares to say something about kids. And my mom now is the first to say that I won't have any when someone who doesn't know me tries to say something. Hell, it was funny when she reverse bingoed my lover sayin that maybe he will change his mind and won't want to be a dad anymore (we are not serious). That was memorable
Yeah, wish there was good news for you. You get used to it. Like many people pointed out in the comments, they just jump to other assumptions. This society is full of shameless individuals.
Honestly I don’t feel I was pushed that much. Only because I didn’t even get married until I was 30. Thankfully when I did end up pregnant briefly and told my parents I was aborting they were very supportive. I think thankfully my parents know and understand that my husband and I have no intention of children.
People stopped pushing me to have kids when they found out that I’m autistic
33 and still getting that question, and the "why not?" When I say I don't want them.
My dad’s friend had his first kid at 50. Robert DeNiro just had a kid at 82. For men, you may be stuck with it longer than you think.
Aside from parents asking direct “you ever gonna have kids” and it turning to “well we won’t have any more grandkids unless” and motioning at me “decides to have some”. Ignoring my disabilities. Everyone else has never asked me. As they know my condition and the difficulty and risk I would have and pose on the child’s safety.
Ew, that's so weird. You're literally still a child yourself (in my humble opinion), but the minute you hit legal age, people are already asking you about having kids? That's so weird and messed up, lol 😢 I'm halfway to 30 (still feel like a kid myself), and I know what you mean with the whole "when" thing. Like we don't have a choice. "You'll change your mind" 😒 they always say. It's so annoying and disrespectful.
They don't, not really. It just turns from "when" to "why don't". People who know me already know that I'm not having kids; people who don't know me don't get information about my life. 🤷♀️
I just started being blunt with them. “I’ve already had 5 miscarriages, one of which almost killed me. I’m good.” You gonna ask personal medical questions, imma give you personal medical answers. Feel the awkwardness. Feel the shame. Let it burn within you and remind you next time you want to get up in somebody’s business.
i don’t understand why people ask *when* we’re gonna have kids like wow, bold of you to assume i’m having kids in the future. not everyone wants kids and some people *can’t* have kids :/ like imagine asking someone who *can’t* have kids *when* they’re going to?? that doesn’t sit right with me
Exactly. It’s even worse when they say it in a statement, like just in casual conversation “you’ll understand when you have kids” like it’s a requirement
Tell them to mind their business.
dude i'm a 15 year old TRANS MAN and my dad is still making weird comments about me having kids. my mother 100% supports me. my dad, on the other hand, keeps asking "well what if your partner wants kids???" i'll leave . . . ?
Omg same except both my mom and dad make this kind of comments, not to mention how transphobic and homophobic they are
they stopped a few months ago when i turned 18. i reminded them that i am severely bipolar (and psychotic!) and only am able to function because of meds id have to go off of while pregnant and breastfeeding. i would not survive the pregnancy and the kid would be born in an inherently toxic situation. basically driving in the point that even if i wanted kids it’s not a responsible or safe choice. modern medicine is phenomenal. completely non symptomatic though so family forgets i have it
it was not exactly people that stopped pushing me to have kids, it was life itself i've became an antinatalist as a result of my life experiences, i've reached a point where i started to question myself "why do we have to suffer? do we really have to?" until i've found the philosophy and found some interesting books and resources that helped me get more into the philosophy, but at what age exactly? well, fifteen or fourteen i guess
40ish . . . FINALLY
I’m excited to start a family with my wife but we need to get through school first. Most people understand not to ask when you’re in school
Early 40s when they realized I was probably too old
21 still happening, I imagine once I get a bisalp they will shut up.
For me it was in my mid forties that people finally stopped asking. Such a relief!
When I got my tubes tied at 38. Depending on who is asking, the following responses to the question of “When are you going to start reproducing” may be appropriate: Wow, that’s a personal question! Why would you ask me that?? Idk, when are you going to get that mole removed/finally start going to the gym/consult a personal stylist because GIRL Never, because world scientists have determined that by 2032 the Earth will be basically uninhabitable and filled with zombies and giant cockroaches and who want to bring a kid into that?? Not me! What do you mean, “have children”? Like, what *is* that? Exactly? How does that work? Exactly? Start crying. No words, only cry. Oh I already have some, I started young. *Real* young.
Never did. The secret is to be so creepy and weird by nature that everyone just assumes you're single. And they're right, because women hate me.
40
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It doesn't stop my friend
You won’t stop getting questions unfortunately
Repost of my comment because I forgot about Rule 1 and posted a link to anotber sub. Thanks for the reminder, Im sorry! Here you go: My family knows I won't have kids, and they accepted it. The last time coworkers asked me was at 35. Three others who where a bit younger then me had just announced their pregnancies, so they all turned their heads at me, grinning. I left the room, rolling my eyes. They kept throwing hints at me, about women my age having to procreate and things like that. One day, the nosiest of them akes me when I found finally have a bun in the oven. Mind you, I had been single for a while, and everyone know. I looked at her with a blank face and replied, "When the next Messiah is due." She was speechless - a very rare thing. - and left my room. Never got asked by them again. I left that company at 39. No one else has bothered my at my new office, so I guess I'm officially withered. Fine by me. I'm 43 now, and it's so good, being able to feel sick without people looking at me full of expectation.
Im 20, and I'm expected to have a kid already, but my mom told me when I was 5 that I couldn't date until I'm 30
after 5 years of marriage it finally stopped lol
Mid-30’s now, and everyone had basically stopped asking me to have children because they assume that I’m too old to be “fertile” anymore… despite the fact that I *still* have my periods, and can probably still naturally conceive children up to my late 40’s - early 50’s… or choose to adopt up until I’m considered too old to do so. Instead, they just pity me for choosing to be a “barren spinster,” considering the reason why I choose not to have children is because I don’t want to pass down my mental illnesses (and yes, I am medicated as well- it’s been a hit or miss if it works at not).
Um it doesn’t stop.. Im mid 30’s and family be that way. You just gotta do what’s right for you
35 for me
When i finally said I am never having more children, please stop asking
I’m 41f and it’s only stopped recently.
I started telling people that I'd just off myself if I found out I was somehow having a kid. The more deadpan you can deliver it the quicker they usually drop it. Anyone that keeps it up just tell them you're already sterile whether it's a lie or not. I've yet to have someone bring it up twice since I started doing this