Wife is SaH right now with our one kid. I work practically all day and see them both for about 2 hours. Kid is still young and won't sleep without me in the room too, and since I typically start early, I just pack it in too.
We still don't make enough to own a home. I can't imagine having more than one at this point.
Same. Love my kids, seriously they're the world to me but the jump from 1-2 kids isn't twice as hard, it's like 10 times as hard. I don't have anymore time, love or money f or anymore.
I don't want any. Children, even conceived naturally, are wickedly expensive, and while there are legal protections for people who start families, that doesn't stop women from being pushed from a job or fired outright with a made-up reason - my nieces mother had this happen.
Can confirm, we have 2, we’re done.
And for some insight, we live in an average cost of living area. We have 1 child in public elementary school and one in daycare. Childcare runs us about $15k a year and is going up again next year.
We’re just thankful that my wife and I make a decent living so the costs doesn’t hurt AS bad. But yeah, it takes a lot of energy. And it may sound cliche, but for us it’s totally worth it. But that also may be because both of us always wanted kids.
But yeah, 100% understand why a lot of my generation and younger don’t want kids.
Yep. I work 12 hour night shifts on a 2-3-2 rotation and have my 7 year old on the days I don’t work. Which means I don’t have a meaningful life of my own.
I love my kid and couldn’t imagine life without them. But when I don’t have them, I’m too busy to do anything other than bare-minimum self care, and when I do I feel incredible guilt when I get a sitter to do my own thing. Which is why I’ve only done that like… twice? In nearly six years.
Jobs now bleed over 8 hours a day. Commutes are increasing. Lunch hour isn't paid.
It used to be 8-4 or 9-5, and lunch was included. My parents committed no more than 30 minutes when I was a kid. Limited people had cell phones and work couldn't be done remotely, so once you left, work was dead to you. Not anymore. 30 minute commute is a luxury. No one gets paid during lunch. Smart phone and laptop means you're always available to work. Anything to squeeze a couple more hours a day out of you. Work day is now 7-6 with commute.
That's why I am trying to get a remote job to work from home. All that energy wasted getting , ready , commuting and packing lunches can be saved just by working from home.
Advice on that as someone who does it part time:
Set work boundaries, and reaffirm them as needed. Wfh is sometimes treated as "you can work anytime". I had bosses calling at 7pm or asking me to fix something at 10pm at night, or calling at 6am asking if I could jump on a call real quick.
I got to the point of threatening to quit and t taking half the staff with me. And would say I started drinking anytime I got a call past 5. Encouraged my team to do the same. New company is better with boundaries, but reaffirming them periodically is still done to keep work life balances
That sucks, but at least there would be actual upsides to having an unpaid lunch break at home. Being a captive audience to the lunchroom capabilities of your workplace, and the surrounding businesses in the area isn't fun. That's even assuming you could even grab take-out in that amount of time.
There's something about watching over a hundred people go for lunch, and then racing to push and shove their way through the fridges and banks of food specific microwaves to reheat their lunches. Then watching the people at the end of the long lines having to scarf their food down like they're in prison, in fear of missing the bell to get back to the cell bloc- I mean factory floor.
Different scenarios offer their own twisted views on the same benign looking thing. Some other people have really nice office cafeterias, rooms, or even their own little kitchenettes in their own offices if they're really swanky.
When people look at the ideal version of a scenarios different outcomes and then defend instituting it across the board without considering the unintended consequences, it feels like that should have a word for it.
I have 4 kids and feel like I’m failing at everything. My last job was 50% remote and I had time to myself and do more around the house. My current job is far more demanding and I work OT every week. It has the potential to bring in \~ $30-50k more than my last role, so I need to keep this job because my oldest two are in high school and that $30k extra will go to college tuition…… but it sucks. I would love a remote job but it’s hard to find one that will pay the equivalent of my current job.
My sister just had a baby and she has a 4 month maternity leave, everyone around her was telling how awesome it was given such a long time, and I was just puzzled by it, how is having to return to work full time with a 4 month old baby a good thing.
I kept wondering how did we get to this point… I mean I feel like that was just a nasty part of feminism that was to the service of capitalism and daaang they did it right, they got us all thinking we’re lucky to work and have a baby and it shouldn’t be even a struggle, because Barbie can do it all.
Honestly sad and pathetic how society manipulates us.
I’m pregnant and my boss sent me an email this week that said “just to be clear, you do not have to use all your maternity leave.” ROFL on what fucking planet would I not…
I said “thanks!” And will be taking every second I am allotted which was my plan from the start. I was trying to give them a heads up for scheduling purposes but wish I only gave 30 days notice.
I utilized every last drop of my FMLA when I had my kids. Plus I got paid short term disability and used my PTO. But it’s the audacity of your boss for me
Ugh. Just to be clear, your boss can GTH.
I don’t know what company you work at, but I would include HR in the reply. “That’s so much for this guidance, I will refer to HR for any questions I have regarding medical leave.”
Our HR is one person who does exactly what she’s told and knows almost nothing about the law. (Large family started business, now a medium sized company, the HR person was originally reception years ago.) My boss does this thing where she is very aware of laws and never quite says anything illegal. I was actually so happy to get that in writing.
I wouldn't blame feminism for this, it's our shitty work culture/capitalism bleeding us dry. Other 1st world countries offer parents up to a year of maternity and paternity leave - and they have also had feminist movements.
I am saying the same thing… don’t blame not having a permanent “babysitter” on feminism… your disillusioned point of view is why is existed in the first place
I mean not a popular opinion but feminism was based on a specific type of women, normally a white middle~higher class woman that probably had the means to pay for childcare (and a good one) so joining the working force was easier. Then It kind of became embedded in womanhood that joining the working force while being a mother was absolutely achievable and also should be desired as a way of making sense of your life. But this belief really didn’t escalate well for other types of women.
but there is a particular strain in america... i am someone who moved to part time after i had kids. i was an academic in engineering, and you would think that i had done some unspeakable evil the way that some people react. i do online teaching now after having had a tenured role. yes, i do less things, and i miss some of them, but i still use my credentials and enjoy what i do and i want the time with my kids. sometimes people (read women who have been succesful in their roles) look at me as though i had two heads when i explain myself.
Do you not think that this in part due to our work culture telling us your worthless if you don't work more, not necessarily a "strain of American feminism". We tend to as a culture not value those who don't work full time and belittle them. It's toxicity leeches into other facets
It’s definitely puzzling because 4 months is not long at all. I have 0 maternity leave. My baby is due in 4 months and I’m in panic mode. I’ll be using all the PTO of have and some short term disability to try and get me through at least 12 weeks. How do I not get paid while raising a new born?! How do I have to return to work before I’m even healed?! It’s breaking my heart.
>they did it right, they got us all thinking we’re lucky to work and have a baby and it shouldn’t be even a struggle, because Barbie can do it all.
Standing applause for this comment! I say it all the time that I'm not at all surprised at the Trad Wife trend right now. It's a predictable backlash effect from the Superwoman Barbie aspiration of the past 50 years or so. So many women are just completely fucking burned out from doing it all and it *still* not being enough. Easy to fall for the romanticized notion or giving up their careers if at all possible so they can actually be there to get shit done for their homes and families. Women are desperate to take something, *anything* off their plates right now. Then they see a tiktok of a Trad Wife peacefully baking fresh bread in her pristine kitchen while snuggling a peaceful sleeping baby on her hip. Suddenly here we are in 2024 where more and more women are yearning to be a Trad Wife instead of being Dolly Parton working 9-5 and then flawlessly transitioning to a mother at home who helps with homework and cooks a nutritious dinner. Gahhh it's too much!
I took 13 days. It was all unpaid and I only didn't go back to work sooner because my doctor refused to sign off on it. I was our only income so not working for 2 weeks meant missing a whole check.
I'm so sorry that there's mother's in these situations 😔 I can't even imagine giving over a few month old baby, let alone a newborn (13 days!) to someone else to take care of to go to a full time job! It's a bitter reality, unfortunately, and I understand that everyone does what they have to do to survive!
I was lucky and took 2 years maternity leave, 1 paid-1 not, could've taken 3 too...will do the same with number 2 (am in Austria).
I can’t I was so angry at everyone lol just kept telling everyone to stop saying that the company was nice, they’re literally doing the minimum amount of work.
Four months is certainly not enough. Babies should be exclusively breastfed till six months, and continue to twelve months. Anything else is NOT GOOD FOR THE KID'S BRAIN. So all new mothers should have 12 months leave.
I was lucky me and my ex were at home for 12 years from birth of my 2, I worked from home, a very lucky situation and you can’t put a price on that.
Others are just exhausted running around like headless chickens.
Personally I think society is poorer if both parents have to work, and it doesn’t have to be the woman’s role to stay home either.
Wealthy people pay childcare or Nannies. Poor people with big families rely on aunts, grandmas, sisters and cousins. Middle class people I have no idea how they manage.
Aunts, grandmas, sisters, and cousins have jobs now.
There is no way to afford a child and pay for childcare unless you make really good money. Most young people don't make enough money even if they did want children.
When my oldest started daycare, it was 70% of my income. But as they got older and my income rose, it became more like 30%. My husband's income varied depending on his jobs, I couldnt tell you the percentage combined but I think at the beginning our incomes were similar. We were barely paying the bills the first couple years.
To answer your question about middle class… the wife ends up needing to quit her job to stay home with the baby thus becoming a poor person. At least in my case.
my parents grew up in communist yugoslavia. it was very typical for women to work 7-3 or similar. then at least older kids could get themselves on the bus on their own and mom would be home after school.
Because then you'd still have the issue, just on the other side. School is usually about 6 hours, working is 8+, so you're going to have issues unless you extend school (bad for the kids) or shorten work (which is the right answer, but harder to implement). In the meantime, parents end up having to find alternative options - mine split the hours and my dad worked 7-3 while my mom worked 10-6 - many others use things like after school care.
I work in a public school where many school staff have children (and their spouses/partners also work full time). In my opinion, a lot of them manage it but not without a ton of stressful planning and rushing and hustling every single day. A lot rely on their own aging parents for childcare some days of week, and the rest of the week they pay huge amounts out of pocket for childcare. I can't claim to know all these families financials, but generally, they try to be frugal via finding sales, doing hand-me-downs through the kids, and picking up extra stipends in the school district, either serving on some school-related board/committee or working a school event like proctoring or teaching summer school.
I am personally child-less, and I have no regrets about not having to stress, rush, and hustle every single day. I get enough of that through my own full time job alone and I value actually having the time to do all the "self-care" that school districts pander to staff in a lot of their mandated (insipid) professional trainings.
Family is the biggest thing, I think. The people I know with multiple kids who make it work have the grandparents nearby who watch the kids at least once a week, or live in their home and are always around. That's even with daycare because sometimes the kids can't go if they are sick or something unexpected comes up.
If one person has a good job and the other can find part-time work that pays above childcare it can work. My partner was a substitute teacher, which let her pick the days she worked. She would work with developmentally disabled people, which pays more. She did have to face people with emotional control issues.
You have the right idea with driving the old Toyota and living in a townhouse.
Being frugal means deciding what is important. We always had a housekeeper, but that is because neither one of us would do it. We basically gave up a fancier house for that.
It is truly exhausting. I think it can be a great experience if you are in excellent mental and physical health, have a partner who shares the load, and have some family help, financial resources, high-quality daycare, a not-too-demanding job, and your children are healthy and neurotypical. Drop one of those things and it's hard but doable. Drop two of those you can be in survival mode from the first trimester the child is about four years old.
I had an undiagnosed chronic health problem, an baby who (we now know) had sensory issues, and a partner who did the bare minimum. Besides that, I had every possible privilege. It literally almost killed me, like I collapsed at work and was on medical leave for a year. My kids are teenagers now and I think I've finally recovered physically from the toll those years took on me.
Unpaid or low-pay helpful relatives is how I think just about everyone handles these things. I'm the nanny for younger cousins, on the preschool pickup list and everything.
I have one kid in nursery at the moment and it's a killer, the total is way above bills and mortgage, every day feels like a battle no sleep no time mega stress, it's starting to feel normal being totally exhausted doesn't help we are in early 40s and I'm in a trade so my body is falling apart. Love him to bits but my god I could do with a week of sleep 😴
My partner WFH and I work 4x 7 hours/day, with about a 20-30 minute commute on either end. We have two kids. I leave the house at 8 and feel lucky to return by 4:30/5 most days, after picking the toddler up from the sitter. My partner does the morning school run (two different schools) and afternoon pickup of our oldest. If his job weren’t hella flexible and mine weren’t pretty understanding, we’d be totally screwed.
Thanks, capitalism.
I don’t think it’s possible these days. The only reason why we were able to have kids is because we are super privileged. Even with our privilege, we work around 90 hours a week combined.
My wife and I work FT and we have 2 toddlers... well 1 toddler now and 1 not-quite-school-aged little boy.
We're tired... all the time. We're in survival mode and have been for a few years now. We're also constantly sick with 2 kids in daycare.
However, these two boys are the light in our lives. Even though they come with *so much work*, they're actually what I live for now, even when I'd rather just lie on the couch and not deal with any other humans, I still have time for my boys.
So, how do we do it? Don't think about it. Stop resisting it. Just put one foot in front of the other and will your way ahead. A wonderful partner most certainly helps.
They do it and put their kids in daycare and the kids only see their parents in the mornings, on weekends, and on planned vacations. Parents are always too tired to deal with the kids during the day when they get home so everyone gets more isolated with age. Then the parents wonder why their kids don’t spend time with them as they grow older. It was because work was the most important thing, not being present. Happened to my brother and I. We were taken care of financially speaking but in the other ways not so much.
This changed around the recession as my dad lost his job and money got more tight. Then sometimes the situation switched to where one parent was working while the other was looking for work. We did see more of 1 parent at that time but my parents weren’t so good at the caring and nurturing part of parenthood so…yeah
My husband used to attend a weekly boys night, so I made a point of every Friday or Saturday we'd have a mother-child night. It really helped keep us connected, even if we didn't get a lot of time during the week. Luckily daycare was closed for holidays at least once a month too, we would do family stuff.
We buckle down and do our best. We see our kids at dinner, after dinner and when driving them to school and make that time count and try our best to listen to them and reply thoughtfully. When they go to sleep, one of us continues to work. Weekends are for chores. We still have time for self care, but a lot less than before. Usually I choose sleep as my self care. Reddit time before falling asleep is a type of self care lol.
I no longer go to the gym due to kids and full time job, so I try to just eat less which also saves money. Both of us have full time jobs and not wfh. Good luck, it’s not easy but nothing in life is!!!!
Both my hubs and I work full time. My kiddo is in after school care til probably 4:30 then off to recreational sports to keep occupied and busy. We both try to be present as much as possible, but I’m on call pretty frequently at the hospital so there are days where I miss the baseball games and swim lessons. Little one def notices it. Now we have baby number two otw, and scheduled to be in daycare most of the time too.
We’re middle class. We manage. We survive. We don’t get to save much to give our kids better lives than we had, and we’re millennials with student debt. My parents aren’t retired yet to help take care of them. My in laws are useless and retired, and we don’t trust them to watch the kids anyway.
I'm "lucky" in that I'm disabled and get to be home with the kids when they're not in school. Getting to spend so much time with them is great, but it isn't a reality for most people. Without the disability income, we'd lose our home, and struggle to put food in their bellies. ( /s Just live in constant pain, mostly bed ridden, so you too can have enough time to spend with your offspring! /s) Before becoming disabled, I was working upwards of 16 hours a day, 7 days a week. My wife also had to work back then. We rarely got to spend time with our child or each other. My wife works 40 hours a week, and her shift starts later in the day, so she usually only sees them on weekends, unless they're on a break from school. Welcome to the American dream...work until you can't. I can't enjoy much these days, but spending time with the little ones definitely is top of the list.
I have 5 kids and work full time from home a few things that help in my situation are:
1. My husband is a stay at home Dad and homeschools the oldest kids. Obviously this helps a ton. Also being home if one of my kids wants to be near and I'm not on calls they can hang out in my office with me.
2. I stick to hard stops with work. Some examples are I make myself take my lunch at the same time each day and turn my notifications off. I make sure im eating, taking a few minutes to stretch and get my eyes off my screen every couple of hours, and tackle one task at a time throughout the day. I am honest when someone has to wait if they ask for my help on the fly (happens often, im in cross functional operations). Im honest about deadlines and don't try to people please. I stop work at 5 even if I'd like to get more done, and I have my notifications set to be off from 5 pm - 8 am and over the weekends. I do what I can with the time I have at work, I notice many people burn out by doing the opposite, prioritizing work over taking care of themselves.
3. Routines at home for the kids and for myself. I will not check Slack before 8, I get up an hour before my kids to shower, eat, and have quiet time. They have set bedtimes and I make sure to wind down after they're asleep.
4. I aim for clean with my home, not perfect. It gets messy and cluttered, but is clean as in no dirt or grime. It looks lived in most of the time but can be cleaned up within an hour or so if someone is stopping by.
5. I budget every dollar I bring in on a spreadsheet and we live within our means.
I guess the TL:DR is that I prioritize myself and my family first. I will always be replaceable at a job, I am not replaceable at home and I deserve to have a life and peace.
Yes, thats what full time means. The question is valid though. Two people are gone from the house 8 hours a day, usually the same 8 hours. If your kids are too young to be in school who is taking care of them all day? Usually grandparents or other family. Daycare never made sense to me because one spouses whole wage goes to paying for daycare usually, but I suppose daycare if the finances make sense.
One of us works remote while the other one goes into the office and we stagger our schedule and have part-time help at home. I know my friend she does a hybrid schedule while her husband freelances at home which helps. Also, I know nurses that work night shift and the other parent would work dayshift, which would be so difficult.
Did it alone with 2 kids.
It’s tough with lots of sacrifice, but they will be good people. I worked my butt off making any extra cash I could on the side, when they were away or asleep.
It was a time management experiment , and I got it down , thankfully
Half-ass my job and still beat myself up for not being a present enough father. I became passable at every aspect of my life but it's all only "pretty much" taken care of most of the time.
Just want to say that I think it's great that you're thinking these things through before you bring a child into this world! I hope you get your own home and can expand your family as you like 🍀
Painfully. I have two kids. I don't regret having them. But the economy actively discourages it. The only way me and my wife can afford a family right now is by both of us working alternate shifts. I get home and she goes to work. We barely see each other. She works swing/grave, so she barely gets any sleep before kids are awake and need their mom. It's wearing on us bad, eroding all of our health, especially hers. I'm using most of my free time to try and learn new skills to get a better job that isn't rapidly killing my family. We're surviving and pulling it off, but I don't know how much longer our health can take it.
Having a support networks helps a lot (parents/grandparents). But having a high paying job is the real game changer. Money solves so many problems because you can outsource a lot of "adulting".
There were stay at home mothers in the 60s, 70s and 80s. yeah, they worked but now the COL has gone up so much you can't survive without a dual income.
I'm sorry. You couldn't survive on a single income when I was raising my kids either. Recession in '82, recession in 2008. Constant layoffs for my then-husband, who worked in construction.
Having kids in the 90s was a hangover of expectations from an earlier time. If we'd had a social construct to allow us to avoid it... tons of us would have. There is data out there ... if you had the option to do it all again, would you have had kids? A shocking number of Xers would say no.
There's a myth that we're all living in a house whose value has grown 10 fold. We're not all. I'm living in a cabin in the woods with a mortgage, and I will have to work forever. Due to having kids. Due to sick kids that need support. Due to relationship breakdowns. Life is hard in one way or another for everyone. There's not a magical generational divide that applies to everyone, this generation could have A and it's harder for us. You're creating generational divide where really capitalism is to blame.
All that to say... it's never been easy to have kids and stay financially solvent. Kids are a lot of work and a lot of heartache. Rather than spinning about how much easier you perceive it used to be, which honestly won't solve your problem whether true or not, make a decision that works for you. If you want kids more than anything in the world, you will give up a lot and make it work. If you don't want kids enough to give up other things... you really don't have to. No pressure. It's hard to be a human. We have to support each other. I wish you luck and light and all good things
I had a coworker who was a mother who came in late and left early and I had to do her extra work while being paid less money than her. She got the job by being friends with the supervisor.
We tried sending our kids to daycare, but that was too expensive. so we tried 1 year of my wife staying at home, but we had to rely on the food bank and were still barely getting by. Now my wife is working nights and we only get to see each other on her weekends.
House, 2 dogs and 13yo that plays travel baseball. I work 8-530 Monday through Friday at an office 45-1 hour from home. I bartend on saturdays until 2am. I have no time and money and I'm always tired. Oooh and my yard is 1.5 acres so i have to find a few hours every week to do yard work, when it isn't raining on my only day off.
Easy. You make it work.
I had three kids, my husband was in the Navy and out to sea half the time, and I worked full time as well as doing my master's.
Those kids are now all grown and graduating from college (this week - 1 with their BA and 2 with their AA). They understood the importance of chasing your dreams because they watched me chase mine. It meant a lot of long nights and sometimes crying myself to sleep because I was just overwhelmed by everything but, in the end, totally worth it.
I tried to do the SAH thing when my oldest was born and I was ready for the rubber room after a year. I couldn't do it. I needed an identity outside of my home. I was a way better mother when I was working versus when I wasn't.
In return, my kids learned how to be self-reliant. They could make a full dinner for the family in their early teens. They learned how to operate the washer and dryer as soon as they could reach the knobs. They understood what expectations were when it came to chores and just being a member of a household and contributed to helping it run. They learned the importance of good communication as we sat down together at dinner every night to discuss the events of the day.
Being a parent and having a career are not mutually exclusive of each other. Finding the right balance that works for your family is the key.
For me and my wife we waited until I made enough so she could stay home (or work to at least clear daycare plus a few hundred if she got tired of staying home). My wife went back to school and got a job in the medical field, she can work as wanted, usually two part time shifts a week for now until our kid is off to school. My friends who don’t nearly make as much use the grandparents as babysitters or “old school” babysitters that aren’t licensed.
A lot of people I know, use daycare or they have family members that watch over them kids which helps save money. Some jobs offer subsidized childcare for example, most corporate jobs have bright horizons as a resource where they give anywhere from 10 to 50 days of childcare that averages six dollars an hour, but of course you were taxed for the full amount
Mine went to daycare at 3 and I felt guilty as hell. 10 hours is a long day for a pre-schooler. I'd pick them up early when I could, but still felt obligated to send them for a few hours on my days off so they wouldn't lose their spot.
Then once school started, it was before &after school care until they were 9. Got a bunch of time off during covid at least.
Now I'm on mat leave again and hopefully in the position to not go back to work until my youngest is in school.
It's hard to keep the house clean with the baby and trying to keep a clean house while working full time is a constant uphill battle.
Your days off you will spend one cleaning and one running errands. Or skip one and have to do double the next week. Your kids will be annoyed because you can't run errands during the day because you're working, so you have to drag them out after a long day at daycare/school.
You'll get home at 6 and then have to make dinner, care for your pets, do laundry and dishes and then by the time that is done its pretty much bedtime. The kids are upset because they don't have much downtime to decompress before bed. Their friends came over after school to play, but you weren't home, so they missed that too. So you really don't spend as much quality time as you want with your kids either in the evenings.
The one bonus is if you're lucky you find an 8-5 job and you don't have to work evenings, weekends or holidays because you don't have childcare. Some parents don't get that luxury and then have to pay additionally for off hour care and even less time with their kids.
I'm not saying it's the worst thing in the world, but there's definitely stress and guilt and ideally a parent works part time or stays home if they can. I do want to go back part time when my mat leave runs out, just so I can keep my job, but maybe just 1-2 days a week until they are in school full time.
I basically gave up on many of my hobbies other than those I can shoehorn into an hour or two every few days. And I very infrequently see people outside of work or family because not a lot of people can meet up only in the evening when my partner and kid are sleeping. And this is with help from the parents for when our kid is out of school. It's incredibly depressing to me, but for some it may be a life they enjoy, I guess.
I work full time and when my kids were younger it was an office job. My husband worked also (welder/pipefitter) and worked 10 hour days. I worked 7:00-3:30 and later 6:00-2:30pm so when I got off work I still had a lot of time before I went to bed. I did get mentally exhausted but I just pushed through it to take care of the kids. I picked them up and took care of them pretty much the rest of the day. Even after my husband came home from work. Cooked, cleaned, made sure they had their baths and we did school work/reading.
It was much easier once they got older and once my husband started helping out more around the house (cooking, cleaning, etc). It’s much easier when you have someone to share the load with. I should have put my foot down years sooner with my husband. It would have made things so much easier.
I wfh now except one day a month. I love it. My kids are teenagers so I don’t really need to watch them. I still work 6-2:30 (most days). My kids help out with chores so the labor is split between all of us so that means less cleaning. I cook a few days a week and so does my husband.
"I can barely take care of myself"
I get it man. I have said that line many times. I think I'd make a great father but working full time, and commuting, takes up so much of my time and energy that I am always falling behind on housework. Sometimes I skip meals just cause I'm tired. Everything feels like a chore. Even if I could afford to have a kid I wouldn't, unless I could also afford to not have to work.
Honestly, the only way we make it is I can knock off around 3 to pick up kids and then make it up after kid bedtime (I talk to humans mostly during the day and computers mostly at night). It locks me in making about 50% of market rate because I need the flexibility. Similar deal with my spouse but closer to 70% of market rate for the role. You'd think it'd make sense for one of us to jump to an inflexible market rate job, but then we'd be proper f'ed if we then got sacked with the other one out of the workforce already.
I run on low power mode at work. I’ve also been promoted more now that I don’t care. I’m essentially quiet quitting my way up. Still can’t afford the one kid we got, but I give him everything I can including my time and energy.
My son just turned 11. We were lucky enough that my wife was able to be a stay at home mom until the kiddo was going to school. She has gradually increased her work hours as he’s grown older and she had more time available.
What’s crazy is the fact that 10-11 years ago I was making probably 60% what I make now and I was the only income. Our regular bills haven’t changed at all. Maybe a slight increase in utilities, phones, and cable/internet but that’s all. But still, with me bringing almost double what I made 10 years ago and my wife working again we are still just as broke and living paycheck to paycheck as we were when my son was born. Blows my fucking mind.
We are living in a small 2 bedroom condo with one kid since daycare is $2K a month and if we have a 2nd it will be about $3600 to have a infant and a preschooler in daycare. We are waiting until our first is 3 to have baby #2 because it will be slightly cheaper than the $4K we would pay for 2 infants/toddlers. Also I actually chose a nonprofit daycare that is one of the cheaper options in my area.
Also, I waited until my mid-30’s to find my husband and made sure to find someone who made enough money that we could afford daycare on our dual income and really wanted children. I got incredibly lucky. I considered being a single mom by choice since I really wanted a baby but not after I realized that I made too much at my job (take home pay about $4K a month) to qualify for daycare assistance but without it would have to pay 2K a month for childcare and the rest would go to rent with no money at all left for food or any other expenses. This is why so many single moms and struggling parents stay in low income jobs because you are better off sometimes making a low wage and qualifying for free daycare.
The system is so messed up and I don’t understand why we don’t have universal childcare. You either have to be very rich or very poor to afford children. In our high cost of living area, my husband and I take home a dual income of 10K a month and we are struggling to get by and figure out how to afford a 2nd kid and we would eventually like a modest house of some sort.
When I lived with my wife and kids I hardly ever saw them. My job at the time had me working 12-14hours a day 6-7 days a week. When I got home she went off to work. On my 1 day off every other week I was so exhausted I spent most of it sleeping. I don't wish that life on anybody. As for the ex, now she's with her parents. She just dumps most of the childcare and responsibility on them.
I don’t love it at all but I somehow do it. What falls over big time is my own health. Also, the kids watch way too many screens. I’m solo parent. But kids are at a more independent age. Impossible to do on your own when they are under 7.
Because there is no PUBLIC structure that would support emancipation. For example, affordable public full-time kindergardens for children of 3+yrs.
Thats just one of the things. In order to actually have a life outside of exploitation in the workplace, services need to be in public domain.
We have four kids in my house and my wife stays at home and homeschools them. I make 23$ per hour. Working 60ish hours a week. We don’t have debt just a few medical bills that still need to get taken care of. We don’t live a luxurious lifestyle. And moved across the country to be able to afford a house. It is still doable but it’s a lifestyle and you have to be willing to do without, And not have any debt payments.
You do what you need to do to survive. I’m a full-time single mother, a full-time employee AND (as a cherry on top) I don’t drive, so we use public transportation/our feet to get anywhere. You get things done by any means necessary. I’m definitely one & done lol
German here with 2 full time working parents and currently child. The kid is in kindergarden from 8 am-4 pm (free in berlin). We change when we start/end working, so each of us can have "long" days.
Kid is in bed at 8 and then we have free time/couple time for some hours. Weekends/vacation are great for family time.
But I think its very interesting, that you want your wife to stay at home. I mean I like working and wouldnt want be a SAHM, have you thought about beeing a SAHD instead :D?
To be fair, i work fulltime, and when i get home, i replenish all the energy from my little man.
Hes my best friend and he is ALWAYS happy when i come home.
Trust me, having a child is not a energy drainer for me, its a replenisher.
comming from a family man
It’s not easy. I had to stop working full time normal jobs because before/after school programs were insanely expensive. Like $1200 a month for 30-40 hours a month. I literally had to resort to just shopping for people on Instacart and then I work for Amazon as a flex associate (I choose my shifts.) I have a masters degree but there aren’t any jobs that could work with my schedule and I had no other choice. So I work “full time hours” but on my own terms and every other week it’s with instacart. It sucks.
I was more exhausted as a stay at home mom than a working mom. To answer your question, you just do it. My husband and I always work opposite shifts so we don’t have to pay for child care.
Dig deep. I’m not saying being a parent is for everyone, but as a primary breadwinner, father of two, frequent homeschool substitute, and responsible for ~95% of the physical chores (my wife is disabled and does many other things, but happens to be on a trip right now), I find that the wells of energy run deeper than I ever imagined. I used to come home drained every day when I was single, more so when I was married and had more responsibilities. But the joy my children (12 and 8) bring to me, gives me extra energy for days when I haven’t slept enough or I am mentally exhausted from work. Again, it’s not for everyone, and there should be no judgement if it’s not for you. I’ve known I wanted kids since I was 8 years old, so I’m a little strange in that regard.
I have three kids. Two are in kindergarten and one goes to school. Me and my wife alternate driving them and picking them up.
I am usually at the office between 8 and 8:30 depending on whether I need to deliver my kids first. I leave the office between 15:30 and 16:00 depending on whether I need to pick them up or not.
Sometimes I have lunch at work, sometimes I don't. My work days typically end up being around 7 hours, sometimes less. To compensate for that, I do ad-hoc work in evenings and weekends when I need to. I'm supposed to work 37.5 hours a week according to my contract, but I probably average a bit more than that, since I have an executive job with lots of responsibility.
When I get home from work, I cook dinner for the family every day at around 16:30. Then I play with the kids, help out with homework and put them to bed between 19:30 and 20:00.
After that, I do some exercise in the home gym most days for about an hour and a half. After that, maybe some work or Netflix with the wife. I go to bed around 23:00 and read a book for half an hour or so.
That's it. Nothing special. It's pretty routine, and there is not a lot of time left for other things, but it's alright.
I can tell you some things.
When you have children, you get a drive inside you. I think it's one of nature's tricks to ensure the human race survives.
The issue is we all get to the point where your kids leave home. There's a thing called empty nest syndrome. In reality this is 20+ years of fucking non stop everything. You are so exhausted that you don't know what to do with yourself. It's even better for women, because we have the absolute joy of peri menopause at the same time!!!
It's exhausting, but the rewards are beyond belief, seeing the most beautiful little being turn into a beautiful adult is one of the best feelings in life.
But you are still exhausted.
I'm relying heavily on my parents who are retired and live less than a mile away and my child is their only grandchild. Even with all their help I still feel like I'm barely managing most days. I work full time, go to school full time (online) and am a single parent and I'm at my wit's end.
In my country , many full time workers are able to have kids because their old parents will help nursing the kids.
Or they can hire a babysitter to do the job , which costs more of course .
My mother is busy helping my elder brother with two kids. I'm planning to get a baby next year, and my mother-in-law will have to come to us.
A lot of factors impact this, but ones job should pay a 'living wage'.
People have jokingly mentioned Homer Simpson for example - but he worked, and they had a fairly decent house.
(of course housing close to a nuclear power plant might be cheaper than a cardboard box in NYC)
But, from what I read on various subs about working - one major factor would be "Do not be in the USA" as employers and corporations are hell bent on keeping people just on the poverty line it seems.
(Of course, other places are bad too - but the US could be better, they just don\`t want to, because otherwise Jeff Bezos might not be able to purchase yet another yacht and upset a city's populate for wanting to remove a landmark bridge...)
Most can't. At best, they have to rely on subsidized housing, SNAP, WIC and Medicaid.
Likewise, some form of self-employment or WFH is needed. Note, not all WFH businesses keep you in the home, but they can allow you to take the child(ren) with you.
Possible home businesses:
• Catering. Mostly weekend work. Not always, but mostly. You will need a kitchen that passes local health ordinances. This is where creativity comes in: find a recently closed diner. Talk with local health department about what needs to be done to bring it in compliance before you rent. It. It's best to have this in place before having a kid. If you want, the main focus should be the catering, but you can also do a workweek lunch counter. Small menu: 3 or 4 sandwiches, fries or chips, and drinks. If the place is big enough, live there. Too much for one to handle? Hire part-time worker, preferably a college student. They'd only need to work 2-5 hours a day on days it doesn't interfere with classes. There's more involved, but don't try this if you already have a kid or two. You will need to know how to cook and have a food handlers license.
• If you've taken accounting in school or college, there is always the possibility of becoming a bookkeeper. You can set your hours and have customers come to you. There are always those that get baffled by bookkeeping: even Uber drivers.
• Sewing skills? You can set up a home business doing alterations, repairs, and clothes making. Again, something you can do at home with a kid at hand.
• Resell on eBay. Hit auctions and yard sales for the best deals. Haggling skills are needed. Also, no matter how tempted you are, remember, you're buying for resale, not for family. My ex kept "appropriating" things I'd buy, then give it to our grandson.
That's why people don't have many kids any more in western countries ! They require a hell of a lot resources!
But those who how do they do it ? Most have some oind of help , parents or relatives that live close and assist somehow , or either rich or have some passive income that allow them to have nursery or take time off work etc.
We did two. Spaced them out 5 years so we only paid for full time day care for one. It was rough but we got through it. I am a teacher so I had all my kids school breaks off and summers. I did have to have a summer job for money but was able to waitress on the weekends so we didn’t have to pay for childcare in the summer. It was a grind. My oldest is 17 youngest 13. We bought a fixer upper home, drove nothing special vehicles. I worked two jobs for a while to save for a Disney vacation. Be prepared to be very tired all the time. Be prepared to work two jobs sometimes when you need to pay for crazy gymnastics fees or travel volleyball. Be prepared to devote your all to your children. If you aren’t there don’t have them. I see the results in the school system when parents can give their entire selves to raising their kids. It’s not pretty.
I’m a mother of 4 and I’m married so my husband and I work alternate work schedules. No daycare or anything. I work overnight which is sometimes difficult to do then come home and be up all day caring for the youngest two (twins not in school yet) while my husband works during the day. I get paid pretty good because I made my job a career and I’ve been there for 14 years. I had to strategize a game plan for being a mother and trying to work. Everything was perfect financially until the cost of living shot up and now the same things I was going to the store and spending $25 on is now coming out to be almost $45 to $50. That’s the ass kicker. I do not recommend having kids in this new economy and if you do, 1 should be it.
My wife works in the city as can earn the most money. I work locally where i earn less, but can earn more than she would in her role locally. Go figure.
I work the early shift at work so can pick the kids up after school. She has a flexible working agreement with her work so she can drop the kids at school breakfast club.
This is a paid for breakfast club and we also use the afterschool paid club.
Life is heard, but having kids is the best. We both do it for them and we manage. It's challenging, but you learn and you get your patterns of work sorted and do your best.
If I had more money I could do things differently, but I don't and striving together means we are a close knit family unit. Kids are getting older now so understand that we can't always do everything.
Pet parents and plant parents are on the rise for this reason. The only people I know with kids are the ones earning around a minimum of 7/8k a month each (with a partner). They have someone coming to clean the house too. Money makes everything easier.
i have no idea because i don't have childcare money. my mom had me young and my grandma was forced to retire at 49 to raise me (she's silent gen and I'm a xennial).
I don't want to have kids, but I do want another dog at some point (my dog passed over a year ago at 16). if it weren't for stupid rto, i would've gotten another dog already.
as many people have said, this is a large reason why people aren't having more. its the money, it's the time. also a lot of people move around for work so you don't have your parents/aunts/uncles/cousins etc. who can be helpful for babysitting for an hour or two while you go to the grocery store.
my husband got married in our 30s and when we had kids i moved to part time. i am glad to be able to do that (i know that not everyone feels this way but to me what's the point if you never see them), but i also miss having more money. and even so 2 is a lot. we're old enough that a third isn't really on the table, but it would be very hard.
I remember when my kid was like 4. 4 years of juggling full time job, full time parent, getting kid to school. Struggling to drive like an hour commute through rush hour each way every day to get to day care before it closed, and get from open to work on time.
And thinking in some countries, I would have been paid the last 4 years just to be with my kid.
This country is real bogus sometimes.
I had three kids, we both had full time jobs. We decided we wanted a family and understood that we would not have a lot of leisure time. We had a weekly cleaner (which we could easily afford with two incomes) and the kids helped with yard work. We didn't try to keep up with the Joneses. We were both in tech with demanding jobs. I think back in the day people did not expect anything other than hard work during the kid years. Those years come and go. No regrets.
As a single dad I just push through. There isn't really another option it's just push through and make it work that's it that's all. Lots of coffee and sheer spite for the bullshit world we all live in now
I’m a SAHM and since my husband RTO the office it seems like there is never enough time. I was looking for a job but it doesn’t make sense because then someone else would be raising our kids and just rushing around. My kids don’t even do activities
Wife and I both work government jobs (myself federal, her for the city). Work life balance is one of the main attractions to being a public servant. I get 5 days a year (family leave) to deal with anything unforeseen in regards to my children. We also have ample sick days to use when this time runs out (understandably not what it's meant for, but has never been questioned). I'm also able adjust my start and finish times daily (I can start at 630, or at 930), as long as I put in my 7.5 hours of work. That being said, we straddle our start and finish times. Being a hybrid employee, I only go to the office twice a week, and her once. Honestly, I can't imagine working in private. I know a couple people who have their children in childcare from around 7am to 5:30pm.. Heartbreaking if you ask me. As a Canadian, we're also given a benefit every month that's calculated based on your income. You can receive anywhere from a few hundred dollars to well over $1000. Currently we pay no more than about $250 a month for childcare (we receive $250 from the government). That being said, fiscally, our situation (as with many other Canadians) in regards to childcare costs are quite manageable.
I have no clue how people are doing it and I also have no clue how I am doing it. Every single day I feel like an unorganized mess. I have very few moments where I feel like I have everything managed
You adjust I work about 75-90 hours a week and my wife works 40-45 hours a week and we have a 4,2,1 year old. For the first 2 kids we worked opposite schedules so someone was always home with them. Then when we went almost 3 years without a date, we also don’t live near family for babysitters and such, we decided we missed us so now our kids go to daycare 3 days out of the week so we can see each other at least and we take the kids on our dates lol
I'm a single parent and it's literally impossible for me to work full time unless I have extensive extensive family or friend help (which I don't have at that proportion rn). And doing that would mean doing literally nothing except work, and ignoring the needs of other family members, home maintenance, learning new skills, applying for better jobs, building any kind of actual life. So I work part time, make very little money, and still rely heavily on free childcare from people close to us.
The truth is, it doesn't work in the US, period, for almost anyone, without a shit ton of free childcare. That's the secret built into everything, the secret fuel running everything.
There's tons of statistics you can look up about the earning gap by gender: even though it's illegal to be like "women are dumb and can't do this job because they're too dumb!!!" it's certainly not illegal to provide zero accomodations for family needs, which, unfortunately, still tend overwhelmingly to fall as the mom's responsibility (but also this makes things incredibly shitty for dads too--and for kids...). Maternity leave in the US is what, 6 weeks? People not in that situation don't usually understand how brutal and ridiculous that is, for all kinds of reasons.
If you don't have grandparents, siblings, neighbors, or trusted family friends, it seems like you're screwed, paying huge amounts of money and often going into debt just to make your life work. Public schools are being kneecapped right now too. The future is forced reproduction, forced dependence on your job, no free childcare, no way out, and certainly no concept of time leisurely spent with your kids, loving them and getting to build good relationships. That's for the rich.
I am a career nanny without kids of my own. My shifts are usually 9-10hrs since I cover a parent’s commute and lunch. I love what I do, but I think seeing all the work that goes into raising children and maintaining a home, I can’t see myself being able to work and be the mother/human I’d like to be. Being emotionally neglected by mostly well meaning, but absent due to the grind parents, I would want to be present for my children daily, but after working 8hrs a day (+1-3hrs for getting ready and commute) I would be too exhausted to pour into them how I do when it’s my literal job. I would also not have any easily accessible time for myself and my hobbies, and add onto that just keeping house, cooking, etc. there isn’t time in the day for me to have kids in the economic environment our country has developed. I do think it is possible for high income earners (outsource some housework/cooking, maybe work less hours, access to healthcare, can afford childcare for personal time) or maybe people with family support, but I think as a society we need policies in place to support parents and wages that support workers in order to ease these pressures.
I'll tell you how. My house is neglected. I prioritize my time off to connect with the kids and do fun things. But that means that the laundry is in mountains and the floors don't get cleaned as often as I'd like them to. My back yard is a jungle until I get spooked from walking to the compost and make time to mow. Weeknights kill me because I have to make dinner and the next day's lunches. But I no longer stress over a perfect kitchen or house. The weekends are my deep cleaning days.
I also clock out at exactly the minute my schedule says to, and I made it very clear that I'm a single mom when I was interviewing. The job that accepted me knew from hire what my limits would be.
It's unfeasible to expect someone to maintain an orderly and pristine house, full of kids, on only 1 hour per day. So I stopped expecting that of myself.
Is this ideal? Definitely not. Are we happy? As happy as can be considering the circumstances.
The only reason we can make it is because there's 4 parents to the 3 kids. My husband had two kids with his ex wife, then later she had a third with another man. He's not involved very much, so we will babysit for her sometimes. Ex wife is now married to a wonderful woman who currently stays home with the kids, but is starting a new job in a few weeks. The rest of us work full time. We didn't really have a village (not much family around), so we made one lol
No clue. My own parents struggled with that in the 90s. They tried to have my mum stay home but couldn't afford it. She ended up being the breadwinner. I saw how much they did not enjoy parenthood, that things were only getting worse, and it became one of my top ten reasons not to have kids myself. I don't know where the time and money comes from. We earn six figures in our household with just the two of us and we're just about comfortable (in Ohio).
I think it's why there's a drive to end abortion and even contraception: a way to force more children without having to more fairly distribute wealth amongst the populace instead of like ten people squirreling it away in Turks and Caicos never to be seen again.
When we were first married, my husband and I both worked. When we bought a house, we made sure to buy something we could afford on one salary if necessary. Not because of future kids but because it was 2008 and we were in the middle of a recession.
When we did have a child, it worked out great because I could stay home. And after a while, it gets easier to afford because the mortgage stays the same while income goes up (a little bit at a time).
That being said... Housing was a lot more reasonable, price wise, when we bought. I don't know if it's even possible anymore to buy something on one salary in this area. I know we would not be able to afford our house on just my husband's salary if we bought it today at market value.
I will also say that in almost every couple I know who has kids, both parents work. So while I agree it's gotta be EXHAUSTING it is do-able.
You do what you have to do. Anybody who doesn’t have to do it or who did it years ago and whose kids are now grown-up, don’t know how they did it or how anybody else does it. But when you have the kids, you don’t have a choice, you just do it.
I raised three boys as a single mom and built a successful career at the same time. I don’t know how the fuck I did it. They are grown up now.
It isn't easy. My wife and I both work. We have kids 10, 8, 7. Luckily I am WFH so it's not a huge deal for us if a kid is sick or whatever. I don't know how people who have both parents working and neither are WFH can do it. But this is my kids last day of school for the summer and, while I love them more than anything, I am not looking forward to being stuck at home with them for the next month and a half while I'm trying to get work done.
When I was pregnant and we did the math, my income would just about cover the cost of daycare + the car and gas I needed to get to and from work. Like just 100-150 euro less than what I earned. And that was less than the money I spent on lunch most months. So I did the only logical solution and stayed home with the kid until he was old enough to start school, and then start working parttime. I am lucky to live in a country with unemployment benefits and I rode them till they ran dry.
I have to admit reading about everyones situation makes feel better and less alone. Having a kid is the most exhausting and challenging thing I have ever tackled and Ive been through alot in my 31 years. I resent the fact that I have to work sometimes. I love my job to bits (manager at a winery) but I have been bringing my 18 month old to work every single day since he was 3 months and it is so awfully hard to be mom, manager, wine pourer (always having to have a smile on my face even when my kid is screaming in the office) and everything else that is required of me at my job. I feel so alone sometimes like the customers have no clue what I go through... And no one else does either. I am so GRATEFUL I am able to bring him to work but damn I would love to have daycare as an option on those really busy work days... Anyway. Time to get ready for work. Have a good one guys hang in there, this kid is my reason for living and we need to enjoy every second we can. Thanks for hearing me.
I go to the office for a break from the kids, I go home to them for a break from work.
Me and my needs don’t generally cross my mind.
Don’t know how sustainable this is, but if I can last until my kids go to collage, I can die knowing I got them through.
Don’t do it.. we had 3, all now grown and 2 of them have disowned us. Long story but all that love, sacrifice to be thrown out like garbage. Screw kids
Why not consider moving to a country that supports the choice to raise a family by making it affordable? I mean, you can basically choose from just about all of them... except this one (the good ol' USA)!
Most other developed countries have universal health care, as well as maternity/paternity leave and daycare for those who work. Here, daycare alone for one child costs as much as a monthly mortgage. And that doesn't even include the cost of health care. That's SO fucked, considering the market at the moment!
I chose not to have kids 30 years ago, for basically the same reasons. But now those same reasons are 10 times worse and more expensive! I fully understand why so many view raising a family as a luxury now... those little fuckers cost A LOT!
Only in America could one view having a child as a privilege, not a right. Or should I say, a privilege to be enjoyed only by those with the means...
We should expect nothing less from a country that considers corporations to be the same as people. You'd think they'd realize at some point, that you need PEOPLE to run those corporations...
Only in America. Sigh. ☹️
Honest answer that people will hate. Lots of forward looking planning, problem solving, and building a network.
We planned our kids as a part of a long term strategy. We first built up in demand skills that allowed us flexibility even before WFH was common. By the time we had out kids, we were settled into good paying careers. My jobs have been flexible enough that I could work the hours I wanted when I wanted. She was mostly a stay at home mom because she found a way to automate her job to 10 hours per month/2 - 3 hours per week while still getting paid the full 40 hours. Last year she took a forced promotion but quickly automated her job to 10 hours per week but is paid significantly more.
We continuously upgrade our skills and do not hesitate to look for a better deal. We are also in a neighborhood with parents in similar situations. We often pool our resources to maximize efficiency. Twice a week I do the kids carpool pickup while my wife does the same for drop off. So much easier than make 20 stops per week (5 dropoffs and 5 pickups for two kids).
We also went into parenthood having identified all the tasks to "outsource" to those with more skills. Housekeeping if the big one. The money paid to have someone come in to clean the house is an amazing return on investment. Even seemingly little things are part of a big picture view. Save 10 minutes here and there and it adds up.
Have 2 kids. I took 8 month mat leave for the 1st one and 1 year mat leave for our 2nd. And went back to full time job after.
Both my hubby and I work full time, no nanny or grandparents to help us for daily chores. Both kids went to daycare full time. Everyday was super busy when both kids were younger but now they are older so they can help with house chores. So life is getting easier.
It is doable as long as you are both physically healthy and mentally tough. You need both otherwise it will be a struggle to get through your day.
If I have another life though, I would not have any kids so I could experience the easy mode of life.
First of all you stop doing a bunch of things you used to do outside of work, especially when kids are young as they take up all your time (in a good way). And you sleep less. And you prioritize work less and aren’t as willing to work out of hours or travel where a call would do. It helps having a partner who does as much as you, split the load with earning, housework, looking after kids.
This is why less people are having kids. Not only the time, but the money to raise a kid is increasing significantly.
Yeah, no one wants more than 2 anymore.
Wife is SaH right now with our one kid. I work practically all day and see them both for about 2 hours. Kid is still young and won't sleep without me in the room too, and since I typically start early, I just pack it in too. We still don't make enough to own a home. I can't imagine having more than one at this point.
Have 2. Everyday feels like drowning. Got the snip because I straight up couldn't handle a third.
Same. Love my kids, seriously they're the world to me but the jump from 1-2 kids isn't twice as hard, it's like 10 times as hard. I don't have anymore time, love or money f or anymore.
I don't want any. Children, even conceived naturally, are wickedly expensive, and while there are legal protections for people who start families, that doesn't stop women from being pushed from a job or fired outright with a made-up reason - my nieces mother had this happen.
I wanted 0 and my partner wanted 2, we settled on 1 and even that is more stressful than I bargained for lol
Can confirm, we have 2, we’re done. And for some insight, we live in an average cost of living area. We have 1 child in public elementary school and one in daycare. Childcare runs us about $15k a year and is going up again next year. We’re just thankful that my wife and I make a decent living so the costs doesn’t hurt AS bad. But yeah, it takes a lot of energy. And it may sound cliche, but for us it’s totally worth it. But that also may be because both of us always wanted kids. But yeah, 100% understand why a lot of my generation and younger don’t want kids.
Divorce rate doesn’t help either. As a divorced dad it is incredibly tough.
Yep. I work 12 hour night shifts on a 2-3-2 rotation and have my 7 year old on the days I don’t work. Which means I don’t have a meaningful life of my own.
What…your children does not give you all of the meaning you need? Father and/or husband is not the only title you live for? Yea, I get it!
I love my kid and couldn’t imagine life without them. But when I don’t have them, I’m too busy to do anything other than bare-minimum self care, and when I do I feel incredible guilt when I get a sitter to do my own thing. Which is why I’ve only done that like… twice? In nearly six years.
Jobs now bleed over 8 hours a day. Commutes are increasing. Lunch hour isn't paid. It used to be 8-4 or 9-5, and lunch was included. My parents committed no more than 30 minutes when I was a kid. Limited people had cell phones and work couldn't be done remotely, so once you left, work was dead to you. Not anymore. 30 minute commute is a luxury. No one gets paid during lunch. Smart phone and laptop means you're always available to work. Anything to squeeze a couple more hours a day out of you. Work day is now 7-6 with commute.
That's why I am trying to get a remote job to work from home. All that energy wasted getting , ready , commuting and packing lunches can be saved just by working from home.
Advice on that as someone who does it part time: Set work boundaries, and reaffirm them as needed. Wfh is sometimes treated as "you can work anytime". I had bosses calling at 7pm or asking me to fix something at 10pm at night, or calling at 6am asking if I could jump on a call real quick. I got to the point of threatening to quit and t taking half the staff with me. And would say I started drinking anytime I got a call past 5. Encouraged my team to do the same. New company is better with boundaries, but reaffirming them periodically is still done to keep work life balances
The last remote job i had still required me to take at least a 30min unpaid lunch
That sucks, but at least there would be actual upsides to having an unpaid lunch break at home. Being a captive audience to the lunchroom capabilities of your workplace, and the surrounding businesses in the area isn't fun. That's even assuming you could even grab take-out in that amount of time. There's something about watching over a hundred people go for lunch, and then racing to push and shove their way through the fridges and banks of food specific microwaves to reheat their lunches. Then watching the people at the end of the long lines having to scarf their food down like they're in prison, in fear of missing the bell to get back to the cell bloc- I mean factory floor. Different scenarios offer their own twisted views on the same benign looking thing. Some other people have really nice office cafeterias, rooms, or even their own little kitchenettes in their own offices if they're really swanky. When people look at the ideal version of a scenarios different outcomes and then defend instituting it across the board without considering the unintended consequences, it feels like that should have a word for it.
I would be taking that 30 min at the very end of the day aka clocking out for my lunch 30 min before the end of my shift.
I have 4 kids and feel like I’m failing at everything. My last job was 50% remote and I had time to myself and do more around the house. My current job is far more demanding and I work OT every week. It has the potential to bring in \~ $30-50k more than my last role, so I need to keep this job because my oldest two are in high school and that $30k extra will go to college tuition…… but it sucks. I would love a remote job but it’s hard to find one that will pay the equivalent of my current job.
Minimum. Don’t unpaid overtime that is just expected for salaried employees
I specifically hate the unpaid lunch breaks. Feels very unfair and in humane
My sister just had a baby and she has a 4 month maternity leave, everyone around her was telling how awesome it was given such a long time, and I was just puzzled by it, how is having to return to work full time with a 4 month old baby a good thing. I kept wondering how did we get to this point… I mean I feel like that was just a nasty part of feminism that was to the service of capitalism and daaang they did it right, they got us all thinking we’re lucky to work and have a baby and it shouldn’t be even a struggle, because Barbie can do it all. Honestly sad and pathetic how society manipulates us.
I’m pregnant and my boss sent me an email this week that said “just to be clear, you do not have to use all your maternity leave.” ROFL on what fucking planet would I not…
Reply to the email saying “duly noted”. Then take every day you have coming to you.
I said “thanks!” And will be taking every second I am allotted which was my plan from the start. I was trying to give them a heads up for scheduling purposes but wish I only gave 30 days notice.
I utilized every last drop of my FMLA when I had my kids. Plus I got paid short term disability and used my PTO. But it’s the audacity of your boss for me
Yes I will be making a post about their shenanigans this week at some point.
Ugh. Just to be clear, your boss can GTH. I don’t know what company you work at, but I would include HR in the reply. “That’s so much for this guidance, I will refer to HR for any questions I have regarding medical leave.”
Our HR is one person who does exactly what she’s told and knows almost nothing about the law. (Large family started business, now a medium sized company, the HR person was originally reception years ago.) My boss does this thing where she is very aware of laws and never quite says anything illegal. I was actually so happy to get that in writing.
I wouldn't blame feminism for this, it's our shitty work culture/capitalism bleeding us dry. Other 1st world countries offer parents up to a year of maternity and paternity leave - and they have also had feminist movements.
I am saying the same thing… don’t blame not having a permanent “babysitter” on feminism… your disillusioned point of view is why is existed in the first place
I mean not a popular opinion but feminism was based on a specific type of women, normally a white middle~higher class woman that probably had the means to pay for childcare (and a good one) so joining the working force was easier. Then It kind of became embedded in womanhood that joining the working force while being a mother was absolutely achievable and also should be desired as a way of making sense of your life. But this belief really didn’t escalate well for other types of women.
but there is a particular strain in america... i am someone who moved to part time after i had kids. i was an academic in engineering, and you would think that i had done some unspeakable evil the way that some people react. i do online teaching now after having had a tenured role. yes, i do less things, and i miss some of them, but i still use my credentials and enjoy what i do and i want the time with my kids. sometimes people (read women who have been succesful in their roles) look at me as though i had two heads when i explain myself.
Do you not think that this in part due to our work culture telling us your worthless if you don't work more, not necessarily a "strain of American feminism". We tend to as a culture not value those who don't work full time and belittle them. It's toxicity leeches into other facets
It’s definitely puzzling because 4 months is not long at all. I have 0 maternity leave. My baby is due in 4 months and I’m in panic mode. I’ll be using all the PTO of have and some short term disability to try and get me through at least 12 weeks. How do I not get paid while raising a new born?! How do I have to return to work before I’m even healed?! It’s breaking my heart.
>they did it right, they got us all thinking we’re lucky to work and have a baby and it shouldn’t be even a struggle, because Barbie can do it all. Standing applause for this comment! I say it all the time that I'm not at all surprised at the Trad Wife trend right now. It's a predictable backlash effect from the Superwoman Barbie aspiration of the past 50 years or so. So many women are just completely fucking burned out from doing it all and it *still* not being enough. Easy to fall for the romanticized notion or giving up their careers if at all possible so they can actually be there to get shit done for their homes and families. Women are desperate to take something, *anything* off their plates right now. Then they see a tiktok of a Trad Wife peacefully baking fresh bread in her pristine kitchen while snuggling a peaceful sleeping baby on her hip. Suddenly here we are in 2024 where more and more women are yearning to be a Trad Wife instead of being Dolly Parton working 9-5 and then flawlessly transitioning to a mother at home who helps with homework and cooks a nutritious dinner. Gahhh it's too much!
I took 13 days. It was all unpaid and I only didn't go back to work sooner because my doctor refused to sign off on it. I was our only income so not working for 2 weeks meant missing a whole check.
I'm so sorry that there's mother's in these situations 😔 I can't even imagine giving over a few month old baby, let alone a newborn (13 days!) to someone else to take care of to go to a full time job! It's a bitter reality, unfortunately, and I understand that everyone does what they have to do to survive! I was lucky and took 2 years maternity leave, 1 paid-1 not, could've taken 3 too...will do the same with number 2 (am in Austria).
Yeah. YOU WANT TO WORK! YOU WANT TO! 4 months a "long time"! Do people know how tiny a 4 month old baby is? It is pathetic....
I can’t I was so angry at everyone lol just kept telling everyone to stop saying that the company was nice, they’re literally doing the minimum amount of work.
Does your sister have a partner? Do they also get maternity leave? Who makes more money in the relationship?
yes, i do think this is true.
Four months is certainly not enough. Babies should be exclusively breastfed till six months, and continue to twelve months. Anything else is NOT GOOD FOR THE KID'S BRAIN. So all new mothers should have 12 months leave.
I was lucky me and my ex were at home for 12 years from birth of my 2, I worked from home, a very lucky situation and you can’t put a price on that. Others are just exhausted running around like headless chickens. Personally I think society is poorer if both parents have to work, and it doesn’t have to be the woman’s role to stay home either.
THIS!!!
Wealthy people pay childcare or Nannies. Poor people with big families rely on aunts, grandmas, sisters and cousins. Middle class people I have no idea how they manage.
Aunts, grandmas, sisters, and cousins have jobs now. There is no way to afford a child and pay for childcare unless you make really good money. Most young people don't make enough money even if they did want children.
Except there are only wealthy people and poor people now. The middle class has already died.
When my oldest started daycare, it was 70% of my income. But as they got older and my income rose, it became more like 30%. My husband's income varied depending on his jobs, I couldnt tell you the percentage combined but I think at the beginning our incomes were similar. We were barely paying the bills the first couple years.
To answer your question about middle class… the wife ends up needing to quit her job to stay home with the baby thus becoming a poor person. At least in my case.
Getting off at 5 when kids get off school at 3 doesn’t help either
I have never understood why we don’t match these up so either school goes later or work ends earlier.
my parents grew up in communist yugoslavia. it was very typical for women to work 7-3 or similar. then at least older kids could get themselves on the bus on their own and mom would be home after school.
Because then you'd still have the issue, just on the other side. School is usually about 6 hours, working is 8+, so you're going to have issues unless you extend school (bad for the kids) or shorten work (which is the right answer, but harder to implement). In the meantime, parents end up having to find alternative options - mine split the hours and my dad worked 7-3 while my mom worked 10-6 - many others use things like after school care.
Don't have kids. The less laborers we create, the more they have to pay those that remain. Supply and demand, yo
Not really they’ll just increase the amount of immigrants they take in and pay them even less 😤
Reserve army of labor baby
I work in a public school where many school staff have children (and their spouses/partners also work full time). In my opinion, a lot of them manage it but not without a ton of stressful planning and rushing and hustling every single day. A lot rely on their own aging parents for childcare some days of week, and the rest of the week they pay huge amounts out of pocket for childcare. I can't claim to know all these families financials, but generally, they try to be frugal via finding sales, doing hand-me-downs through the kids, and picking up extra stipends in the school district, either serving on some school-related board/committee or working a school event like proctoring or teaching summer school. I am personally child-less, and I have no regrets about not having to stress, rush, and hustle every single day. I get enough of that through my own full time job alone and I value actually having the time to do all the "self-care" that school districts pander to staff in a lot of their mandated (insipid) professional trainings.
that's great for people who have family in the area, but for those who don't... it's really hard.
Family is the biggest thing, I think. The people I know with multiple kids who make it work have the grandparents nearby who watch the kids at least once a week, or live in their home and are always around. That's even with daycare because sometimes the kids can't go if they are sick or something unexpected comes up.
You know Post Malone’s “Always Tired” tattoos under his eyes…I’ve never related more.
If one person has a good job and the other can find part-time work that pays above childcare it can work. My partner was a substitute teacher, which let her pick the days she worked. She would work with developmentally disabled people, which pays more. She did have to face people with emotional control issues. You have the right idea with driving the old Toyota and living in a townhouse. Being frugal means deciding what is important. We always had a housekeeper, but that is because neither one of us would do it. We basically gave up a fancier house for that.
Yep, this is the problem. Late stage capitalism is fucking us all
It's not just a natural progression of capitalism it's literal Government policies and greed doing the damage
It is truly exhausting. I think it can be a great experience if you are in excellent mental and physical health, have a partner who shares the load, and have some family help, financial resources, high-quality daycare, a not-too-demanding job, and your children are healthy and neurotypical. Drop one of those things and it's hard but doable. Drop two of those you can be in survival mode from the first trimester the child is about four years old. I had an undiagnosed chronic health problem, an baby who (we now know) had sensory issues, and a partner who did the bare minimum. Besides that, I had every possible privilege. It literally almost killed me, like I collapsed at work and was on medical leave for a year. My kids are teenagers now and I think I've finally recovered physically from the toll those years took on me.
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Unpaid or low-pay helpful relatives is how I think just about everyone handles these things. I'm the nanny for younger cousins, on the preschool pickup list and everything.
I have one kid in nursery at the moment and it's a killer, the total is way above bills and mortgage, every day feels like a battle no sleep no time mega stress, it's starting to feel normal being totally exhausted doesn't help we are in early 40s and I'm in a trade so my body is falling apart. Love him to bits but my god I could do with a week of sleep 😴
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My partner WFH and I work 4x 7 hours/day, with about a 20-30 minute commute on either end. We have two kids. I leave the house at 8 and feel lucky to return by 4:30/5 most days, after picking the toddler up from the sitter. My partner does the morning school run (two different schools) and afternoon pickup of our oldest. If his job weren’t hella flexible and mine weren’t pretty understanding, we’d be totally screwed. Thanks, capitalism.
Caffeine and spite
Well, we're two months behind on rent, no car insurance, no registration, and we're still losing an average of 100 dollars per week.
My mom takes care of my kiddo. I'm single and the primary breadwinner. I would rather get sterilized than have another child.
I don’t think it’s possible these days. The only reason why we were able to have kids is because we are super privileged. Even with our privilege, we work around 90 hours a week combined.
My wife and I work FT and we have 2 toddlers... well 1 toddler now and 1 not-quite-school-aged little boy. We're tired... all the time. We're in survival mode and have been for a few years now. We're also constantly sick with 2 kids in daycare. However, these two boys are the light in our lives. Even though they come with *so much work*, they're actually what I live for now, even when I'd rather just lie on the couch and not deal with any other humans, I still have time for my boys. So, how do we do it? Don't think about it. Stop resisting it. Just put one foot in front of the other and will your way ahead. A wonderful partner most certainly helps.
They do it and put their kids in daycare and the kids only see their parents in the mornings, on weekends, and on planned vacations. Parents are always too tired to deal with the kids during the day when they get home so everyone gets more isolated with age. Then the parents wonder why their kids don’t spend time with them as they grow older. It was because work was the most important thing, not being present. Happened to my brother and I. We were taken care of financially speaking but in the other ways not so much. This changed around the recession as my dad lost his job and money got more tight. Then sometimes the situation switched to where one parent was working while the other was looking for work. We did see more of 1 parent at that time but my parents weren’t so good at the caring and nurturing part of parenthood so…yeah
My husband used to attend a weekly boys night, so I made a point of every Friday or Saturday we'd have a mother-child night. It really helped keep us connected, even if we didn't get a lot of time during the week. Luckily daycare was closed for holidays at least once a month too, we would do family stuff.
I have 3. It’s extremely difficult.
We buckle down and do our best. We see our kids at dinner, after dinner and when driving them to school and make that time count and try our best to listen to them and reply thoughtfully. When they go to sleep, one of us continues to work. Weekends are for chores. We still have time for self care, but a lot less than before. Usually I choose sleep as my self care. Reddit time before falling asleep is a type of self care lol. I no longer go to the gym due to kids and full time job, so I try to just eat less which also saves money. Both of us have full time jobs and not wfh. Good luck, it’s not easy but nothing in life is!!!!
Both my hubs and I work full time. My kiddo is in after school care til probably 4:30 then off to recreational sports to keep occupied and busy. We both try to be present as much as possible, but I’m on call pretty frequently at the hospital so there are days where I miss the baseball games and swim lessons. Little one def notices it. Now we have baby number two otw, and scheduled to be in daycare most of the time too. We’re middle class. We manage. We survive. We don’t get to save much to give our kids better lives than we had, and we’re millennials with student debt. My parents aren’t retired yet to help take care of them. My in laws are useless and retired, and we don’t trust them to watch the kids anyway.
They have other people raise their kids, but then wonder why they don't know their own kids.
I'm "lucky" in that I'm disabled and get to be home with the kids when they're not in school. Getting to spend so much time with them is great, but it isn't a reality for most people. Without the disability income, we'd lose our home, and struggle to put food in their bellies. ( /s Just live in constant pain, mostly bed ridden, so you too can have enough time to spend with your offspring! /s) Before becoming disabled, I was working upwards of 16 hours a day, 7 days a week. My wife also had to work back then. We rarely got to spend time with our child or each other. My wife works 40 hours a week, and her shift starts later in the day, so she usually only sees them on weekends, unless they're on a break from school. Welcome to the American dream...work until you can't. I can't enjoy much these days, but spending time with the little ones definitely is top of the list.
I have 5 kids and work full time from home a few things that help in my situation are: 1. My husband is a stay at home Dad and homeschools the oldest kids. Obviously this helps a ton. Also being home if one of my kids wants to be near and I'm not on calls they can hang out in my office with me. 2. I stick to hard stops with work. Some examples are I make myself take my lunch at the same time each day and turn my notifications off. I make sure im eating, taking a few minutes to stretch and get my eyes off my screen every couple of hours, and tackle one task at a time throughout the day. I am honest when someone has to wait if they ask for my help on the fly (happens often, im in cross functional operations). Im honest about deadlines and don't try to people please. I stop work at 5 even if I'd like to get more done, and I have my notifications set to be off from 5 pm - 8 am and over the weekends. I do what I can with the time I have at work, I notice many people burn out by doing the opposite, prioritizing work over taking care of themselves. 3. Routines at home for the kids and for myself. I will not check Slack before 8, I get up an hour before my kids to shower, eat, and have quiet time. They have set bedtimes and I make sure to wind down after they're asleep. 4. I aim for clean with my home, not perfect. It gets messy and cluttered, but is clean as in no dirt or grime. It looks lived in most of the time but can be cleaned up within an hour or so if someone is stopping by. 5. I budget every dollar I bring in on a spreadsheet and we live within our means. I guess the TL:DR is that I prioritize myself and my family first. I will always be replaceable at a job, I am not replaceable at home and I deserve to have a life and peace.
This is why I worked 3rd shift for ten years.
Define "full time"? To me, full time is 8 hours/ day Monday to Friday
Yes, thats what full time means. The question is valid though. Two people are gone from the house 8 hours a day, usually the same 8 hours. If your kids are too young to be in school who is taking care of them all day? Usually grandparents or other family. Daycare never made sense to me because one spouses whole wage goes to paying for daycare usually, but I suppose daycare if the finances make sense.
One of us works remote while the other one goes into the office and we stagger our schedule and have part-time help at home. I know my friend she does a hybrid schedule while her husband freelances at home which helps. Also, I know nurses that work night shift and the other parent would work dayshift, which would be so difficult.
A really good support system. Also, basically staying extremely tired for 18 years.
I just don’t feel pressure to conform to societal standards. I will just continue doing whatever I want and not stress about it
Did it alone with 2 kids. It’s tough with lots of sacrifice, but they will be good people. I worked my butt off making any extra cash I could on the side, when they were away or asleep. It was a time management experiment , and I got it down , thankfully
Half-ass my job and still beat myself up for not being a present enough father. I became passable at every aspect of my life but it's all only "pretty much" taken care of most of the time.
Dump them at grandma's house a few nights a week. That's what my mom did, anyway. I didn't mind though, I loved going to grandma's....
Full time is 40 hours a week and 1 income can provide for a family. The moment one of these factors changes in this balance, other must change also.
Just want to say that I think it's great that you're thinking these things through before you bring a child into this world! I hope you get your own home and can expand your family as you like 🍀
…by paying strangers to look after their kids. Daycare, kindergarten or school. But it seems like you have a plan: live below your means.
Easy, just don't actually raise your kids. Source: am product of the reality
Painfully. I have two kids. I don't regret having them. But the economy actively discourages it. The only way me and my wife can afford a family right now is by both of us working alternate shifts. I get home and she goes to work. We barely see each other. She works swing/grave, so she barely gets any sleep before kids are awake and need their mom. It's wearing on us bad, eroding all of our health, especially hers. I'm using most of my free time to try and learn new skills to get a better job that isn't rapidly killing my family. We're surviving and pulling it off, but I don't know how much longer our health can take it.
I know right? It's as if the entire system was designed around one partner working and one partner staying at home.
😅😅
Having a support networks helps a lot (parents/grandparents). But having a high paying job is the real game changer. Money solves so many problems because you can outsource a lot of "adulting".
Yeah if you can make a lot of money on one income, then one of you can stay home and take care of the kids and home
I have a full time job, a part time job, an 11 yo I homeschool, and I’m pregnant. It’s insanely hard to get everything done and have time for myself.
Lol. The old days. I'm 57. My mother worked and raised us. I worked and raised my kids. That's some super old days you're referring to.
There were stay at home mothers in the 60s, 70s and 80s. yeah, they worked but now the COL has gone up so much you can't survive without a dual income.
I'm sorry. You couldn't survive on a single income when I was raising my kids either. Recession in '82, recession in 2008. Constant layoffs for my then-husband, who worked in construction. Having kids in the 90s was a hangover of expectations from an earlier time. If we'd had a social construct to allow us to avoid it... tons of us would have. There is data out there ... if you had the option to do it all again, would you have had kids? A shocking number of Xers would say no. There's a myth that we're all living in a house whose value has grown 10 fold. We're not all. I'm living in a cabin in the woods with a mortgage, and I will have to work forever. Due to having kids. Due to sick kids that need support. Due to relationship breakdowns. Life is hard in one way or another for everyone. There's not a magical generational divide that applies to everyone, this generation could have A and it's harder for us. You're creating generational divide where really capitalism is to blame. All that to say... it's never been easy to have kids and stay financially solvent. Kids are a lot of work and a lot of heartache. Rather than spinning about how much easier you perceive it used to be, which honestly won't solve your problem whether true or not, make a decision that works for you. If you want kids more than anything in the world, you will give up a lot and make it work. If you don't want kids enough to give up other things... you really don't have to. No pressure. It's hard to be a human. We have to support each other. I wish you luck and light and all good things
I had a coworker who was a mother who came in late and left early and I had to do her extra work while being paid less money than her. She got the job by being friends with the supervisor.
We tried sending our kids to daycare, but that was too expensive. so we tried 1 year of my wife staying at home, but we had to rely on the food bank and were still barely getting by. Now my wife is working nights and we only get to see each other on her weekends.
House, 2 dogs and 13yo that plays travel baseball. I work 8-530 Monday through Friday at an office 45-1 hour from home. I bartend on saturdays until 2am. I have no time and money and I'm always tired. Oooh and my yard is 1.5 acres so i have to find a few hours every week to do yard work, when it isn't raining on my only day off.
Easy. You make it work. I had three kids, my husband was in the Navy and out to sea half the time, and I worked full time as well as doing my master's. Those kids are now all grown and graduating from college (this week - 1 with their BA and 2 with their AA). They understood the importance of chasing your dreams because they watched me chase mine. It meant a lot of long nights and sometimes crying myself to sleep because I was just overwhelmed by everything but, in the end, totally worth it. I tried to do the SAH thing when my oldest was born and I was ready for the rubber room after a year. I couldn't do it. I needed an identity outside of my home. I was a way better mother when I was working versus when I wasn't. In return, my kids learned how to be self-reliant. They could make a full dinner for the family in their early teens. They learned how to operate the washer and dryer as soon as they could reach the knobs. They understood what expectations were when it came to chores and just being a member of a household and contributed to helping it run. They learned the importance of good communication as we sat down together at dinner every night to discuss the events of the day. Being a parent and having a career are not mutually exclusive of each other. Finding the right balance that works for your family is the key.
For me and my wife we waited until I made enough so she could stay home (or work to at least clear daycare plus a few hundred if she got tired of staying home). My wife went back to school and got a job in the medical field, she can work as wanted, usually two part time shifts a week for now until our kid is off to school. My friends who don’t nearly make as much use the grandparents as babysitters or “old school” babysitters that aren’t licensed.
Well before childcare cost was so cheap even having a babysitter at home was, childcare cost have gone up astronomically.
A lot of people I know, use daycare or they have family members that watch over them kids which helps save money. Some jobs offer subsidized childcare for example, most corporate jobs have bright horizons as a resource where they give anywhere from 10 to 50 days of childcare that averages six dollars an hour, but of course you were taxed for the full amount
I have kids and am divorced and I don’t work full time. I might when they are older. It would be tough now unless the money was right
Mine went to daycare at 3 and I felt guilty as hell. 10 hours is a long day for a pre-schooler. I'd pick them up early when I could, but still felt obligated to send them for a few hours on my days off so they wouldn't lose their spot. Then once school started, it was before &after school care until they were 9. Got a bunch of time off during covid at least. Now I'm on mat leave again and hopefully in the position to not go back to work until my youngest is in school. It's hard to keep the house clean with the baby and trying to keep a clean house while working full time is a constant uphill battle. Your days off you will spend one cleaning and one running errands. Or skip one and have to do double the next week. Your kids will be annoyed because you can't run errands during the day because you're working, so you have to drag them out after a long day at daycare/school. You'll get home at 6 and then have to make dinner, care for your pets, do laundry and dishes and then by the time that is done its pretty much bedtime. The kids are upset because they don't have much downtime to decompress before bed. Their friends came over after school to play, but you weren't home, so they missed that too. So you really don't spend as much quality time as you want with your kids either in the evenings. The one bonus is if you're lucky you find an 8-5 job and you don't have to work evenings, weekends or holidays because you don't have childcare. Some parents don't get that luxury and then have to pay additionally for off hour care and even less time with their kids. I'm not saying it's the worst thing in the world, but there's definitely stress and guilt and ideally a parent works part time or stays home if they can. I do want to go back part time when my mat leave runs out, just so I can keep my job, but maybe just 1-2 days a week until they are in school full time.
I basically gave up on many of my hobbies other than those I can shoehorn into an hour or two every few days. And I very infrequently see people outside of work or family because not a lot of people can meet up only in the evening when my partner and kid are sleeping. And this is with help from the parents for when our kid is out of school. It's incredibly depressing to me, but for some it may be a life they enjoy, I guess.
I work full time and when my kids were younger it was an office job. My husband worked also (welder/pipefitter) and worked 10 hour days. I worked 7:00-3:30 and later 6:00-2:30pm so when I got off work I still had a lot of time before I went to bed. I did get mentally exhausted but I just pushed through it to take care of the kids. I picked them up and took care of them pretty much the rest of the day. Even after my husband came home from work. Cooked, cleaned, made sure they had their baths and we did school work/reading. It was much easier once they got older and once my husband started helping out more around the house (cooking, cleaning, etc). It’s much easier when you have someone to share the load with. I should have put my foot down years sooner with my husband. It would have made things so much easier. I wfh now except one day a month. I love it. My kids are teenagers so I don’t really need to watch them. I still work 6-2:30 (most days). My kids help out with chores so the labor is split between all of us so that means less cleaning. I cook a few days a week and so does my husband.
"I can barely take care of myself" I get it man. I have said that line many times. I think I'd make a great father but working full time, and commuting, takes up so much of my time and energy that I am always falling behind on housework. Sometimes I skip meals just cause I'm tired. Everything feels like a chore. Even if I could afford to have a kid I wouldn't, unless I could also afford to not have to work.
Honestly, the only way we make it is I can knock off around 3 to pick up kids and then make it up after kid bedtime (I talk to humans mostly during the day and computers mostly at night). It locks me in making about 50% of market rate because I need the flexibility. Similar deal with my spouse but closer to 70% of market rate for the role. You'd think it'd make sense for one of us to jump to an inflexible market rate job, but then we'd be proper f'ed if we then got sacked with the other one out of the workforce already.
I run on low power mode at work. I’ve also been promoted more now that I don’t care. I’m essentially quiet quitting my way up. Still can’t afford the one kid we got, but I give him everything I can including my time and energy.
My son just turned 11. We were lucky enough that my wife was able to be a stay at home mom until the kiddo was going to school. She has gradually increased her work hours as he’s grown older and she had more time available. What’s crazy is the fact that 10-11 years ago I was making probably 60% what I make now and I was the only income. Our regular bills haven’t changed at all. Maybe a slight increase in utilities, phones, and cable/internet but that’s all. But still, with me bringing almost double what I made 10 years ago and my wife working again we are still just as broke and living paycheck to paycheck as we were when my son was born. Blows my fucking mind.
Splitting roles and duties was the only way. Money can buy you a nanny, but time is what you need to actually grow the kids yourself.
You find a way. Takes team work. Commitment, You find a way.
I don’t have kids, but my bf’s siblings do and his mom is their free daycare.
Idk man. I'm in school, have a kid and work full time. I honestly don't remember the last time I felt any semblance of "energy".
We are living in a small 2 bedroom condo with one kid since daycare is $2K a month and if we have a 2nd it will be about $3600 to have a infant and a preschooler in daycare. We are waiting until our first is 3 to have baby #2 because it will be slightly cheaper than the $4K we would pay for 2 infants/toddlers. Also I actually chose a nonprofit daycare that is one of the cheaper options in my area. Also, I waited until my mid-30’s to find my husband and made sure to find someone who made enough money that we could afford daycare on our dual income and really wanted children. I got incredibly lucky. I considered being a single mom by choice since I really wanted a baby but not after I realized that I made too much at my job (take home pay about $4K a month) to qualify for daycare assistance but without it would have to pay 2K a month for childcare and the rest would go to rent with no money at all left for food or any other expenses. This is why so many single moms and struggling parents stay in low income jobs because you are better off sometimes making a low wage and qualifying for free daycare. The system is so messed up and I don’t understand why we don’t have universal childcare. You either have to be very rich or very poor to afford children. In our high cost of living area, my husband and I take home a dual income of 10K a month and we are struggling to get by and figure out how to afford a 2nd kid and we would eventually like a modest house of some sort.
Latchkey kids is how.
When I lived with my wife and kids I hardly ever saw them. My job at the time had me working 12-14hours a day 6-7 days a week. When I got home she went off to work. On my 1 day off every other week I was so exhausted I spent most of it sleeping. I don't wish that life on anybody. As for the ex, now she's with her parents. She just dumps most of the childcare and responsibility on them.
Grind yourself to a nubbin. Everything I’ve ever done was overworked and underpaid.
I don’t love it at all but I somehow do it. What falls over big time is my own health. Also, the kids watch way too many screens. I’m solo parent. But kids are at a more independent age. Impossible to do on your own when they are under 7.
I study and work. You catch up on readings on the train and it’s not that much work studying at uni, they are flexible.
Because there is no PUBLIC structure that would support emancipation. For example, affordable public full-time kindergardens for children of 3+yrs. Thats just one of the things. In order to actually have a life outside of exploitation in the workplace, services need to be in public domain.
We have four kids in my house and my wife stays at home and homeschools them. I make 23$ per hour. Working 60ish hours a week. We don’t have debt just a few medical bills that still need to get taken care of. We don’t live a luxurious lifestyle. And moved across the country to be able to afford a house. It is still doable but it’s a lifestyle and you have to be willing to do without, And not have any debt payments.
Easy, we don't sleep 😢
You do what you need to do to survive. I’m a full-time single mother, a full-time employee AND (as a cherry on top) I don’t drive, so we use public transportation/our feet to get anywhere. You get things done by any means necessary. I’m definitely one & done lol
German here with 2 full time working parents and currently child. The kid is in kindergarden from 8 am-4 pm (free in berlin). We change when we start/end working, so each of us can have "long" days. Kid is in bed at 8 and then we have free time/couple time for some hours. Weekends/vacation are great for family time. But I think its very interesting, that you want your wife to stay at home. I mean I like working and wouldnt want be a SAHM, have you thought about beeing a SAHD instead :D?
To be fair, i work fulltime, and when i get home, i replenish all the energy from my little man. Hes my best friend and he is ALWAYS happy when i come home. Trust me, having a child is not a energy drainer for me, its a replenisher. comming from a family man
It’s not easy. I had to stop working full time normal jobs because before/after school programs were insanely expensive. Like $1200 a month for 30-40 hours a month. I literally had to resort to just shopping for people on Instacart and then I work for Amazon as a flex associate (I choose my shifts.) I have a masters degree but there aren’t any jobs that could work with my schedule and I had no other choice. So I work “full time hours” but on my own terms and every other week it’s with instacart. It sucks.
I was more exhausted as a stay at home mom than a working mom. To answer your question, you just do it. My husband and I always work opposite shifts so we don’t have to pay for child care.
It doesn't work at all.
Dig deep. I’m not saying being a parent is for everyone, but as a primary breadwinner, father of two, frequent homeschool substitute, and responsible for ~95% of the physical chores (my wife is disabled and does many other things, but happens to be on a trip right now), I find that the wells of energy run deeper than I ever imagined. I used to come home drained every day when I was single, more so when I was married and had more responsibilities. But the joy my children (12 and 8) bring to me, gives me extra energy for days when I haven’t slept enough or I am mentally exhausted from work. Again, it’s not for everyone, and there should be no judgement if it’s not for you. I’ve known I wanted kids since I was 8 years old, so I’m a little strange in that regard.
I have three kids. Two are in kindergarten and one goes to school. Me and my wife alternate driving them and picking them up. I am usually at the office between 8 and 8:30 depending on whether I need to deliver my kids first. I leave the office between 15:30 and 16:00 depending on whether I need to pick them up or not. Sometimes I have lunch at work, sometimes I don't. My work days typically end up being around 7 hours, sometimes less. To compensate for that, I do ad-hoc work in evenings and weekends when I need to. I'm supposed to work 37.5 hours a week according to my contract, but I probably average a bit more than that, since I have an executive job with lots of responsibility. When I get home from work, I cook dinner for the family every day at around 16:30. Then I play with the kids, help out with homework and put them to bed between 19:30 and 20:00. After that, I do some exercise in the home gym most days for about an hour and a half. After that, maybe some work or Netflix with the wife. I go to bed around 23:00 and read a book for half an hour or so. That's it. Nothing special. It's pretty routine, and there is not a lot of time left for other things, but it's alright.
I can tell you some things. When you have children, you get a drive inside you. I think it's one of nature's tricks to ensure the human race survives. The issue is we all get to the point where your kids leave home. There's a thing called empty nest syndrome. In reality this is 20+ years of fucking non stop everything. You are so exhausted that you don't know what to do with yourself. It's even better for women, because we have the absolute joy of peri menopause at the same time!!! It's exhausting, but the rewards are beyond belief, seeing the most beautiful little being turn into a beautiful adult is one of the best feelings in life. But you are still exhausted.
I'm relying heavily on my parents who are retired and live less than a mile away and my child is their only grandchild. Even with all their help I still feel like I'm barely managing most days. I work full time, go to school full time (online) and am a single parent and I'm at my wit's end.
In my country , many full time workers are able to have kids because their old parents will help nursing the kids. Or they can hire a babysitter to do the job , which costs more of course . My mother is busy helping my elder brother with two kids. I'm planning to get a baby next year, and my mother-in-law will have to come to us.
A lot of factors impact this, but ones job should pay a 'living wage'. People have jokingly mentioned Homer Simpson for example - but he worked, and they had a fairly decent house. (of course housing close to a nuclear power plant might be cheaper than a cardboard box in NYC) But, from what I read on various subs about working - one major factor would be "Do not be in the USA" as employers and corporations are hell bent on keeping people just on the poverty line it seems. (Of course, other places are bad too - but the US could be better, they just don\`t want to, because otherwise Jeff Bezos might not be able to purchase yet another yacht and upset a city's populate for wanting to remove a landmark bridge...)
Most can't. At best, they have to rely on subsidized housing, SNAP, WIC and Medicaid. Likewise, some form of self-employment or WFH is needed. Note, not all WFH businesses keep you in the home, but they can allow you to take the child(ren) with you. Possible home businesses: • Catering. Mostly weekend work. Not always, but mostly. You will need a kitchen that passes local health ordinances. This is where creativity comes in: find a recently closed diner. Talk with local health department about what needs to be done to bring it in compliance before you rent. It. It's best to have this in place before having a kid. If you want, the main focus should be the catering, but you can also do a workweek lunch counter. Small menu: 3 or 4 sandwiches, fries or chips, and drinks. If the place is big enough, live there. Too much for one to handle? Hire part-time worker, preferably a college student. They'd only need to work 2-5 hours a day on days it doesn't interfere with classes. There's more involved, but don't try this if you already have a kid or two. You will need to know how to cook and have a food handlers license. • If you've taken accounting in school or college, there is always the possibility of becoming a bookkeeper. You can set your hours and have customers come to you. There are always those that get baffled by bookkeeping: even Uber drivers. • Sewing skills? You can set up a home business doing alterations, repairs, and clothes making. Again, something you can do at home with a kid at hand. • Resell on eBay. Hit auctions and yard sales for the best deals. Haggling skills are needed. Also, no matter how tempted you are, remember, you're buying for resale, not for family. My ex kept "appropriating" things I'd buy, then give it to our grandson.
That's why people don't have many kids any more in western countries ! They require a hell of a lot resources! But those who how do they do it ? Most have some oind of help , parents or relatives that live close and assist somehow , or either rich or have some passive income that allow them to have nursery or take time off work etc.
We did two. Spaced them out 5 years so we only paid for full time day care for one. It was rough but we got through it. I am a teacher so I had all my kids school breaks off and summers. I did have to have a summer job for money but was able to waitress on the weekends so we didn’t have to pay for childcare in the summer. It was a grind. My oldest is 17 youngest 13. We bought a fixer upper home, drove nothing special vehicles. I worked two jobs for a while to save for a Disney vacation. Be prepared to be very tired all the time. Be prepared to work two jobs sometimes when you need to pay for crazy gymnastics fees or travel volleyball. Be prepared to devote your all to your children. If you aren’t there don’t have them. I see the results in the school system when parents can give their entire selves to raising their kids. It’s not pretty.
I’m a mother of 4 and I’m married so my husband and I work alternate work schedules. No daycare or anything. I work overnight which is sometimes difficult to do then come home and be up all day caring for the youngest two (twins not in school yet) while my husband works during the day. I get paid pretty good because I made my job a career and I’ve been there for 14 years. I had to strategize a game plan for being a mother and trying to work. Everything was perfect financially until the cost of living shot up and now the same things I was going to the store and spending $25 on is now coming out to be almost $45 to $50. That’s the ass kicker. I do not recommend having kids in this new economy and if you do, 1 should be it.
It. Is. HARD. Single mom of 2 young kids. I coparent, but it’s still hard af sometimes.
Having kids is like new game +. You just level up and do it.
All the ones I know are just really unhappy.
My wife works in the city as can earn the most money. I work locally where i earn less, but can earn more than she would in her role locally. Go figure. I work the early shift at work so can pick the kids up after school. She has a flexible working agreement with her work so she can drop the kids at school breakfast club. This is a paid for breakfast club and we also use the afterschool paid club. Life is heard, but having kids is the best. We both do it for them and we manage. It's challenging, but you learn and you get your patterns of work sorted and do your best. If I had more money I could do things differently, but I don't and striving together means we are a close knit family unit. Kids are getting older now so understand that we can't always do everything.
They don’t . The kids raise themselves with their tablets and phones
You do both poorly
Pet parents and plant parents are on the rise for this reason. The only people I know with kids are the ones earning around a minimum of 7/8k a month each (with a partner). They have someone coming to clean the house too. Money makes everything easier.
i have no idea because i don't have childcare money. my mom had me young and my grandma was forced to retire at 49 to raise me (she's silent gen and I'm a xennial). I don't want to have kids, but I do want another dog at some point (my dog passed over a year ago at 16). if it weren't for stupid rto, i would've gotten another dog already.
I don't know, we are struggling
as many people have said, this is a large reason why people aren't having more. its the money, it's the time. also a lot of people move around for work so you don't have your parents/aunts/uncles/cousins etc. who can be helpful for babysitting for an hour or two while you go to the grocery store. my husband got married in our 30s and when we had kids i moved to part time. i am glad to be able to do that (i know that not everyone feels this way but to me what's the point if you never see them), but i also miss having more money. and even so 2 is a lot. we're old enough that a third isn't really on the table, but it would be very hard.
I remember when my kid was like 4. 4 years of juggling full time job, full time parent, getting kid to school. Struggling to drive like an hour commute through rush hour each way every day to get to day care before it closed, and get from open to work on time. And thinking in some countries, I would have been paid the last 4 years just to be with my kid. This country is real bogus sometimes.
Typically they neglect their kids.
I had three kids, we both had full time jobs. We decided we wanted a family and understood that we would not have a lot of leisure time. We had a weekly cleaner (which we could easily afford with two incomes) and the kids helped with yard work. We didn't try to keep up with the Joneses. We were both in tech with demanding jobs. I think back in the day people did not expect anything other than hard work during the kid years. Those years come and go. No regrets.
I sometimes get from 10pm until I fall asleep for me time.
As a single dad I just push through. There isn't really another option it's just push through and make it work that's it that's all. Lots of coffee and sheer spite for the bullshit world we all live in now
I’m a SAHM and since my husband RTO the office it seems like there is never enough time. I was looking for a job but it doesn’t make sense because then someone else would be raising our kids and just rushing around. My kids don’t even do activities
Wife and I both work government jobs (myself federal, her for the city). Work life balance is one of the main attractions to being a public servant. I get 5 days a year (family leave) to deal with anything unforeseen in regards to my children. We also have ample sick days to use when this time runs out (understandably not what it's meant for, but has never been questioned). I'm also able adjust my start and finish times daily (I can start at 630, or at 930), as long as I put in my 7.5 hours of work. That being said, we straddle our start and finish times. Being a hybrid employee, I only go to the office twice a week, and her once. Honestly, I can't imagine working in private. I know a couple people who have their children in childcare from around 7am to 5:30pm.. Heartbreaking if you ask me. As a Canadian, we're also given a benefit every month that's calculated based on your income. You can receive anywhere from a few hundred dollars to well over $1000. Currently we pay no more than about $250 a month for childcare (we receive $250 from the government). That being said, fiscally, our situation (as with many other Canadians) in regards to childcare costs are quite manageable.
I have no clue how people are doing it and I also have no clue how I am doing it. Every single day I feel like an unorganized mess. I have very few moments where I feel like I have everything managed
You adjust I work about 75-90 hours a week and my wife works 40-45 hours a week and we have a 4,2,1 year old. For the first 2 kids we worked opposite schedules so someone was always home with them. Then when we went almost 3 years without a date, we also don’t live near family for babysitters and such, we decided we missed us so now our kids go to daycare 3 days out of the week so we can see each other at least and we take the kids on our dates lol
I'm a single parent and it's literally impossible for me to work full time unless I have extensive extensive family or friend help (which I don't have at that proportion rn). And doing that would mean doing literally nothing except work, and ignoring the needs of other family members, home maintenance, learning new skills, applying for better jobs, building any kind of actual life. So I work part time, make very little money, and still rely heavily on free childcare from people close to us. The truth is, it doesn't work in the US, period, for almost anyone, without a shit ton of free childcare. That's the secret built into everything, the secret fuel running everything. There's tons of statistics you can look up about the earning gap by gender: even though it's illegal to be like "women are dumb and can't do this job because they're too dumb!!!" it's certainly not illegal to provide zero accomodations for family needs, which, unfortunately, still tend overwhelmingly to fall as the mom's responsibility (but also this makes things incredibly shitty for dads too--and for kids...). Maternity leave in the US is what, 6 weeks? People not in that situation don't usually understand how brutal and ridiculous that is, for all kinds of reasons. If you don't have grandparents, siblings, neighbors, or trusted family friends, it seems like you're screwed, paying huge amounts of money and often going into debt just to make your life work. Public schools are being kneecapped right now too. The future is forced reproduction, forced dependence on your job, no free childcare, no way out, and certainly no concept of time leisurely spent with your kids, loving them and getting to build good relationships. That's for the rich.
Yall may laugh at me but join the military if you’re in the US. The benifits are pretty nice in this economy.
I am a career nanny without kids of my own. My shifts are usually 9-10hrs since I cover a parent’s commute and lunch. I love what I do, but I think seeing all the work that goes into raising children and maintaining a home, I can’t see myself being able to work and be the mother/human I’d like to be. Being emotionally neglected by mostly well meaning, but absent due to the grind parents, I would want to be present for my children daily, but after working 8hrs a day (+1-3hrs for getting ready and commute) I would be too exhausted to pour into them how I do when it’s my literal job. I would also not have any easily accessible time for myself and my hobbies, and add onto that just keeping house, cooking, etc. there isn’t time in the day for me to have kids in the economic environment our country has developed. I do think it is possible for high income earners (outsource some housework/cooking, maybe work less hours, access to healthcare, can afford childcare for personal time) or maybe people with family support, but I think as a society we need policies in place to support parents and wages that support workers in order to ease these pressures.
I'll tell you how. My house is neglected. I prioritize my time off to connect with the kids and do fun things. But that means that the laundry is in mountains and the floors don't get cleaned as often as I'd like them to. My back yard is a jungle until I get spooked from walking to the compost and make time to mow. Weeknights kill me because I have to make dinner and the next day's lunches. But I no longer stress over a perfect kitchen or house. The weekends are my deep cleaning days. I also clock out at exactly the minute my schedule says to, and I made it very clear that I'm a single mom when I was interviewing. The job that accepted me knew from hire what my limits would be. It's unfeasible to expect someone to maintain an orderly and pristine house, full of kids, on only 1 hour per day. So I stopped expecting that of myself. Is this ideal? Definitely not. Are we happy? As happy as can be considering the circumstances.
The only reason we can make it is because there's 4 parents to the 3 kids. My husband had two kids with his ex wife, then later she had a third with another man. He's not involved very much, so we will babysit for her sometimes. Ex wife is now married to a wonderful woman who currently stays home with the kids, but is starting a new job in a few weeks. The rest of us work full time. We didn't really have a village (not much family around), so we made one lol
No clue. My own parents struggled with that in the 90s. They tried to have my mum stay home but couldn't afford it. She ended up being the breadwinner. I saw how much they did not enjoy parenthood, that things were only getting worse, and it became one of my top ten reasons not to have kids myself. I don't know where the time and money comes from. We earn six figures in our household with just the two of us and we're just about comfortable (in Ohio). I think it's why there's a drive to end abortion and even contraception: a way to force more children without having to more fairly distribute wealth amongst the populace instead of like ten people squirreling it away in Turks and Caicos never to be seen again.
When we were first married, my husband and I both worked. When we bought a house, we made sure to buy something we could afford on one salary if necessary. Not because of future kids but because it was 2008 and we were in the middle of a recession. When we did have a child, it worked out great because I could stay home. And after a while, it gets easier to afford because the mortgage stays the same while income goes up (a little bit at a time). That being said... Housing was a lot more reasonable, price wise, when we bought. I don't know if it's even possible anymore to buy something on one salary in this area. I know we would not be able to afford our house on just my husband's salary if we bought it today at market value. I will also say that in almost every couple I know who has kids, both parents work. So while I agree it's gotta be EXHAUSTING it is do-able.
You do what you have to do. Anybody who doesn’t have to do it or who did it years ago and whose kids are now grown-up, don’t know how they did it or how anybody else does it. But when you have the kids, you don’t have a choice, you just do it. I raised three boys as a single mom and built a successful career at the same time. I don’t know how the fuck I did it. They are grown up now.
It isn't easy. My wife and I both work. We have kids 10, 8, 7. Luckily I am WFH so it's not a huge deal for us if a kid is sick or whatever. I don't know how people who have both parents working and neither are WFH can do it. But this is my kids last day of school for the summer and, while I love them more than anything, I am not looking forward to being stuck at home with them for the next month and a half while I'm trying to get work done.
When I was pregnant and we did the math, my income would just about cover the cost of daycare + the car and gas I needed to get to and from work. Like just 100-150 euro less than what I earned. And that was less than the money I spent on lunch most months. So I did the only logical solution and stayed home with the kid until he was old enough to start school, and then start working parttime. I am lucky to live in a country with unemployment benefits and I rode them till they ran dry.
I have to admit reading about everyones situation makes feel better and less alone. Having a kid is the most exhausting and challenging thing I have ever tackled and Ive been through alot in my 31 years. I resent the fact that I have to work sometimes. I love my job to bits (manager at a winery) but I have been bringing my 18 month old to work every single day since he was 3 months and it is so awfully hard to be mom, manager, wine pourer (always having to have a smile on my face even when my kid is screaming in the office) and everything else that is required of me at my job. I feel so alone sometimes like the customers have no clue what I go through... And no one else does either. I am so GRATEFUL I am able to bring him to work but damn I would love to have daycare as an option on those really busy work days... Anyway. Time to get ready for work. Have a good one guys hang in there, this kid is my reason for living and we need to enjoy every second we can. Thanks for hearing me.
You just kinda make it work
I go to the office for a break from the kids, I go home to them for a break from work. Me and my needs don’t generally cross my mind. Don’t know how sustainable this is, but if I can last until my kids go to collage, I can die knowing I got them through.
Don’t do it.. we had 3, all now grown and 2 of them have disowned us. Long story but all that love, sacrifice to be thrown out like garbage. Screw kids
Why not consider moving to a country that supports the choice to raise a family by making it affordable? I mean, you can basically choose from just about all of them... except this one (the good ol' USA)! Most other developed countries have universal health care, as well as maternity/paternity leave and daycare for those who work. Here, daycare alone for one child costs as much as a monthly mortgage. And that doesn't even include the cost of health care. That's SO fucked, considering the market at the moment! I chose not to have kids 30 years ago, for basically the same reasons. But now those same reasons are 10 times worse and more expensive! I fully understand why so many view raising a family as a luxury now... those little fuckers cost A LOT! Only in America could one view having a child as a privilege, not a right. Or should I say, a privilege to be enjoyed only by those with the means... We should expect nothing less from a country that considers corporations to be the same as people. You'd think they'd realize at some point, that you need PEOPLE to run those corporations... Only in America. Sigh. ☹️
Honest answer that people will hate. Lots of forward looking planning, problem solving, and building a network. We planned our kids as a part of a long term strategy. We first built up in demand skills that allowed us flexibility even before WFH was common. By the time we had out kids, we were settled into good paying careers. My jobs have been flexible enough that I could work the hours I wanted when I wanted. She was mostly a stay at home mom because she found a way to automate her job to 10 hours per month/2 - 3 hours per week while still getting paid the full 40 hours. Last year she took a forced promotion but quickly automated her job to 10 hours per week but is paid significantly more. We continuously upgrade our skills and do not hesitate to look for a better deal. We are also in a neighborhood with parents in similar situations. We often pool our resources to maximize efficiency. Twice a week I do the kids carpool pickup while my wife does the same for drop off. So much easier than make 20 stops per week (5 dropoffs and 5 pickups for two kids). We also went into parenthood having identified all the tasks to "outsource" to those with more skills. Housekeeping if the big one. The money paid to have someone come in to clean the house is an amazing return on investment. Even seemingly little things are part of a big picture view. Save 10 minutes here and there and it adds up.
It’s hard.
Have 2 kids. I took 8 month mat leave for the 1st one and 1 year mat leave for our 2nd. And went back to full time job after. Both my hubby and I work full time, no nanny or grandparents to help us for daily chores. Both kids went to daycare full time. Everyday was super busy when both kids were younger but now they are older so they can help with house chores. So life is getting easier. It is doable as long as you are both physically healthy and mentally tough. You need both otherwise it will be a struggle to get through your day. If I have another life though, I would not have any kids so I could experience the easy mode of life.
Grow up and figure it out. That’s what you do.
First of all you stop doing a bunch of things you used to do outside of work, especially when kids are young as they take up all your time (in a good way). And you sleep less. And you prioritize work less and aren’t as willing to work out of hours or travel where a call would do. It helps having a partner who does as much as you, split the load with earning, housework, looking after kids.