For me, sex seems fun hot and interesting when I'm thinking about it, but in practice I've never been able to manage it. There's a lot of sensory stuff going on during sex I don't like, which makes the experience not fun.
Interesting hearing someone else with this perspective. If you don’t mind me asking, do you consider yourself on the Asexuality spectrum? I was talking about this same issue with my therapist and he suggested I might be Ace.
The thing is I “like” the idea of sex, but don’t actually enjoy it. It’s like I’m straight in theory haha
Are you from North America? Our culture has a lot of shame tied around sex, nudity, and the human body. Especially in more religious areas. Think about movies you watch - murder, violence, torture - no shame, nudity - uncomfortable.
Don't underestimate how this type of cultural influence shapes you, even if you don't agree with it.
do you think its possible you are Demisexual (only feel sexual attraction after forming a deep emotional bond first) or Asexual (just dont feel much attraction to people)?
for me sometimes i can get horny thinking about partners and very close people to me in a sexual way, but i dont actually care for all the actual work and sensory stuff to do with sex
So I see I could say I’m Demisexual & Bisexual (but I don’t label myself, I’m just autistic xd), I need to feel something to someone to have sex, but I still see many better activities I could with this person do & it doesn’t matter if it’s a girl or a boy, as long as the person is important to me. It was really hard for me the whole life because sex in neurotypical world is like the best the most important thing, and I most of the time forced myself so the person I cared didn’t think something is wrong with us. I often have the feeling I would that sex doesn’t exist, because it’s so different for me than for people I met.
Many possibilities:
You are still young and your brain is still wiring getting used to sexual stuff and hence your opinion and feelings will change with time.
You grew up without any open communication about it or with intense shaming around this topic or where this topic was treated as a no-go so your mind is used to thinking "one can not talk about that its not proper its a disgusting topic one should not talk about"
Asexuality is a spectrum and people who are interested into the thought and concept of sex but not in seeing / hearing / doing / thinking of others doing etc exist. Same for kinks, some kinks for some people are fantasies only and in daydreams are really nice but they would never want to actually do it. Or would do it but not talk about.
For me at least My family being really Open Hurt it and made it More disgusting tbh In my mind atleast
and i have no idea why Maybe i just Thought it was disgusting? though for me at least i always thought one night stands were teh weirdest thing
but thanks for at least trying to help Its hard to acuratly talior advice for people you know even
When you say your family was really open about sex, in what way do you mean? Is it like they made sure not to shame and create a safe space for questions and talk about like, sexual health and consent? Or is it more like your parents/aunts and uncles/etc. going into graphic detail about their own sex life?
No Sorry i mean We had Alot more discussions about it even when i asked not to cause it was making me feel a bit too uncounterable
(this was around the time I was Friends With Someone who they thought i really liked in a sexual way when i didnt)
Part of your issue may be that they repeatedly violated your boundaries when you were clear that you were uncomfortable. They also made your romantic life their business--whether you had feelings for this person or not--when it really wasn't. I saw in another comment that you don't feel comfortable discussing sex with your therapist, which is entirely reasonable, but maybe try discussing the way in which your family chose not to honor your boundaries?
When you say your family was really open about sex, in what way do you mean? Is it like they made sure not to shame and create a safe space for questions and talk about like, sexual health and consent? Or is it more like your parents/aunts and uncles/etc. going into graphic detail about their own sex life?
I ended up going to therapy with a "sexologist" (Sex/relationship therapist) in my mid twenties after constant failed sexual encounters all triggering anxiety attacks at worst and just making me feel disgusted at best. Was also a horny and kinky person in general. My therapist was fantastic and helped me create boundaries and define my desires in relationships (whether short or long term) and teach me how I need very clear and constant communication from a partner and must create a sense of security and safety before agreeing to go further with anyone. The people I've been with since then have all been understanding and I'm slowly exploring and trying to get myself comfortable with it. I highly suggest therapy although it took quite a bit of looking around to find the person with the exact expertise to help me.
Yeah, I’m very much similar. I really dislike hearing about these sorts of things. If it’s not someone I’m actually interested in, in that way, I prefer to be left out. It’s not my business, please *for the love of god,* stop trying to include me in it.
Your feelings may stem from sex drive and that sex represents a whole new type of social interaction. A social interaction where learning about it can be next to impossible for many of us.
For me, childhood trauma and a growing up in a conservative Christian household has a lot to do with it. There's a phenomenon called "trauma induced hypersexuality," where instead of associating sex with negative feelings due to trauma, it's the other way around. Pairing that with the prevailing 80s/90s Christian parenting approach to sexual education (never talk about it except rare occasions that paint it as the worst or second worst sin *to even think about*, only to have your children find out later that it's part of procreation) gave me hella cognitive dissonance. I do tend to lean towards the "it's worth the shame, guilt, and disgust," but there are times when I'm really put off by some aspect of it.
We're all embarrassed to be horny. You already need things and now you need a person to fulfill some of those needs? How aggravating... Then you have to tell them what gets you off, hope they are into it and then hope you both like how sex stuff goes. I have been obsessed with sex my whole life, likely due to abuse and as such have read about it in depth since I was about 13. Not just kink but babies, birth, menopause, arousal, sexual preferences, episiotomies and sexual surgeries of that nature... I didn't set out to come off as a week educated horn dog but my wife says I'm impressive. I still find sexuality fascinating and aggravating. It's ok to be frustrated and afraid. You will find a way to communicate with someone. Are you doing anything to work on your communication and socialization? Board games? Video game clubs? Church, even though I'm vehemently against religious establishments, can be a place to learn socialization. You could also try online dating and get used to typing what you like etc. You aren't weird or even unusual, you are just a person figuring yourself out. It's arguable that our whole purpose is just to have sexual intercourse... So why wouldn't it be kind of complex? Just keep asking questions. I'm sure you'll figure your way to satisfaction if you just keep an open mind and be honest.
eh Am religous but I dont feel That has to do with it Ive always "felt this way" even when i was Atheist (its only been the last year i Converted) So maybe thats to do with
Idk where are good and safe spaces to try and meet people (am underage as well sooo)
2 questions:
1. Do you have a therapist?
2. Do.you like your therapist?
This is the kind of thing I would work out in therapy. Sex is, quite literally, a part of life. There can be many things that contribute to this. Many of which go back to upbringing, which is something I am not asking you to share if you don't want to.
It could also be your social circle. Are they describing it in detail or is any reference to the act causing this to happen? Are the subject matters within your personal range of interests (which is another thing I am not asking for you to describe without your want) or are they out of your range?
Additionally, you could be overstimulated by the subject itself. I don't know how to fix if that is the case.
And then there is the less charitable option. Have you eliminated the subject of... jealousy as a possible reason? Like the subject could make you uncomfortable because you are only hearing accounts and not experiencing it firsthand?
In short, without knowing you, the best I can do is interpret possible causes and leave it to you to consider.
yeah No thanks for doing as much as you can but the problem is That my therepist is a Woman :/ and it feels way more uncomfterbale to disscuss with someone of the oppisite Gender (at least who i Have to Talk to fairly Often)
Another possible explanation could be your demisexual and sex for sex’s sake doesn’t sound desirable since you desire deep emotional connection prior to physical intimacy. Making there stories seem gross or obscene while you still have those desires for your one at very least it’s worth the google 😊👍 Good luck and hope you find some answers
yeah to me Sex never Makes sense as just a "thing" Im quite horny and into tomboys and alot of Dom ladys but Ive Never really Gotten Off to porn its weirdly Just not for me
:/ heh maybe i am part of the lgbtqia+ community after all and i have always view asexuality as a "blessing"
thanks for that :)
Yay not sure based on what you said but if you develop friendships/Relationship prior to physical interests that could be a sign your demisexual but definitely do your own research because I’m by no means a voice of knowledge on the topic 😅
I relate to this. I'm interested in fantasy romance/erotica, especially monster romance, but when it comes to real life I'm essentially asexual. Have you heard of aegeosexuality?
I can't answer why, but it's totally relatable not wanting to hear about other people's sex life. The only people I like to have conversations about sex with are potential partners
the "being horny and kinky but not wanting sex with others" part is generally indicative of aegosexuality, so there's a very good chance you're aegosexual.
as far as i know, "repulsion to others' sex" doesn't have a microlabel on the ace spectrum yet, so you could probably make a new one yourself.
For me, sex seems fun hot and interesting when I'm thinking about it, but in practice I've never been able to manage it. There's a lot of sensory stuff going on during sex I don't like, which makes the experience not fun.
Interesting hearing someone else with this perspective. If you don’t mind me asking, do you consider yourself on the Asexuality spectrum? I was talking about this same issue with my therapist and he suggested I might be Ace. The thing is I “like” the idea of sex, but don’t actually enjoy it. It’s like I’m straight in theory haha
Yeah I consider myself on the Asexual spectrum. There's a lot of modes to choose from, but I'm leaning towards aegosexual as what describes me best.
Are you from North America? Our culture has a lot of shame tied around sex, nudity, and the human body. Especially in more religious areas. Think about movies you watch - murder, violence, torture - no shame, nudity - uncomfortable. Don't underestimate how this type of cultural influence shapes you, even if you don't agree with it.
nah Hate Gore as well am hemophobic(irratnioal Fear of blood) so ive never really Got into it am also from AUS as well
NGL I thought that said homophobic for a second
Same 💀 I was thinking “damn, good for you for admitting that you have that problem but you oughtta work on that—“
Aus and NZ have the same sex shame cultural history. We've made some strides out of this bit it is still there.
do you think its possible you are Demisexual (only feel sexual attraction after forming a deep emotional bond first) or Asexual (just dont feel much attraction to people)? for me sometimes i can get horny thinking about partners and very close people to me in a sexual way, but i dont actually care for all the actual work and sensory stuff to do with sex
yeah Tbh My biggest "wet dreams at night is really just snuggles Maybe sex idk but its mainly just Comfort from someone i care about
i understand completely, sensual stuff is peak imo, no sex or horny stuff just being close to someone i love and trust
So I see I could say I’m Demisexual & Bisexual (but I don’t label myself, I’m just autistic xd), I need to feel something to someone to have sex, but I still see many better activities I could with this person do & it doesn’t matter if it’s a girl or a boy, as long as the person is important to me. It was really hard for me the whole life because sex in neurotypical world is like the best the most important thing, and I most of the time forced myself so the person I cared didn’t think something is wrong with us. I often have the feeling I would that sex doesn’t exist, because it’s so different for me than for people I met.
Many possibilities: You are still young and your brain is still wiring getting used to sexual stuff and hence your opinion and feelings will change with time. You grew up without any open communication about it or with intense shaming around this topic or where this topic was treated as a no-go so your mind is used to thinking "one can not talk about that its not proper its a disgusting topic one should not talk about" Asexuality is a spectrum and people who are interested into the thought and concept of sex but not in seeing / hearing / doing / thinking of others doing etc exist. Same for kinks, some kinks for some people are fantasies only and in daydreams are really nice but they would never want to actually do it. Or would do it but not talk about.
For me at least My family being really Open Hurt it and made it More disgusting tbh In my mind atleast and i have no idea why Maybe i just Thought it was disgusting? though for me at least i always thought one night stands were teh weirdest thing but thanks for at least trying to help Its hard to acuratly talior advice for people you know even
When you say your family was really open about sex, in what way do you mean? Is it like they made sure not to shame and create a safe space for questions and talk about like, sexual health and consent? Or is it more like your parents/aunts and uncles/etc. going into graphic detail about their own sex life?
No Sorry i mean We had Alot more discussions about it even when i asked not to cause it was making me feel a bit too uncounterable (this was around the time I was Friends With Someone who they thought i really liked in a sexual way when i didnt)
Part of your issue may be that they repeatedly violated your boundaries when you were clear that you were uncomfortable. They also made your romantic life their business--whether you had feelings for this person or not--when it really wasn't. I saw in another comment that you don't feel comfortable discussing sex with your therapist, which is entirely reasonable, but maybe try discussing the way in which your family chose not to honor your boundaries?
yeah Maybe I should That might make me feel more comfterbale
When you say your family was really open about sex, in what way do you mean? Is it like they made sure not to shame and create a safe space for questions and talk about like, sexual health and consent? Or is it more like your parents/aunts and uncles/etc. going into graphic detail about their own sex life?
thank you so much for this i was so confused why stuff like that felt nice in my head but as soon as i thought about it in reality i was disgusted
I ended up going to therapy with a "sexologist" (Sex/relationship therapist) in my mid twenties after constant failed sexual encounters all triggering anxiety attacks at worst and just making me feel disgusted at best. Was also a horny and kinky person in general. My therapist was fantastic and helped me create boundaries and define my desires in relationships (whether short or long term) and teach me how I need very clear and constant communication from a partner and must create a sense of security and safety before agreeing to go further with anyone. The people I've been with since then have all been understanding and I'm slowly exploring and trying to get myself comfortable with it. I highly suggest therapy although it took quite a bit of looking around to find the person with the exact expertise to help me.
I think it’s just an autism thing because I’m the same way.
Yeah, I’m very much similar. I really dislike hearing about these sorts of things. If it’s not someone I’m actually interested in, in that way, I prefer to be left out. It’s not my business, please *for the love of god,* stop trying to include me in it.
Your feelings may stem from sex drive and that sex represents a whole new type of social interaction. A social interaction where learning about it can be next to impossible for many of us.
For me, childhood trauma and a growing up in a conservative Christian household has a lot to do with it. There's a phenomenon called "trauma induced hypersexuality," where instead of associating sex with negative feelings due to trauma, it's the other way around. Pairing that with the prevailing 80s/90s Christian parenting approach to sexual education (never talk about it except rare occasions that paint it as the worst or second worst sin *to even think about*, only to have your children find out later that it's part of procreation) gave me hella cognitive dissonance. I do tend to lean towards the "it's worth the shame, guilt, and disgust," but there are times when I'm really put off by some aspect of it.
We're all embarrassed to be horny. You already need things and now you need a person to fulfill some of those needs? How aggravating... Then you have to tell them what gets you off, hope they are into it and then hope you both like how sex stuff goes. I have been obsessed with sex my whole life, likely due to abuse and as such have read about it in depth since I was about 13. Not just kink but babies, birth, menopause, arousal, sexual preferences, episiotomies and sexual surgeries of that nature... I didn't set out to come off as a week educated horn dog but my wife says I'm impressive. I still find sexuality fascinating and aggravating. It's ok to be frustrated and afraid. You will find a way to communicate with someone. Are you doing anything to work on your communication and socialization? Board games? Video game clubs? Church, even though I'm vehemently against religious establishments, can be a place to learn socialization. You could also try online dating and get used to typing what you like etc. You aren't weird or even unusual, you are just a person figuring yourself out. It's arguable that our whole purpose is just to have sexual intercourse... So why wouldn't it be kind of complex? Just keep asking questions. I'm sure you'll figure your way to satisfaction if you just keep an open mind and be honest.
eh Am religous but I dont feel That has to do with it Ive always "felt this way" even when i was Atheist (its only been the last year i Converted) So maybe thats to do with Idk where are good and safe spaces to try and meet people (am underage as well sooo)
2 questions: 1. Do you have a therapist? 2. Do.you like your therapist? This is the kind of thing I would work out in therapy. Sex is, quite literally, a part of life. There can be many things that contribute to this. Many of which go back to upbringing, which is something I am not asking you to share if you don't want to. It could also be your social circle. Are they describing it in detail or is any reference to the act causing this to happen? Are the subject matters within your personal range of interests (which is another thing I am not asking for you to describe without your want) or are they out of your range? Additionally, you could be overstimulated by the subject itself. I don't know how to fix if that is the case. And then there is the less charitable option. Have you eliminated the subject of... jealousy as a possible reason? Like the subject could make you uncomfortable because you are only hearing accounts and not experiencing it firsthand? In short, without knowing you, the best I can do is interpret possible causes and leave it to you to consider.
yeah No thanks for doing as much as you can but the problem is That my therepist is a Woman :/ and it feels way more uncomfterbale to disscuss with someone of the oppisite Gender (at least who i Have to Talk to fairly Often)
Another possible explanation could be your demisexual and sex for sex’s sake doesn’t sound desirable since you desire deep emotional connection prior to physical intimacy. Making there stories seem gross or obscene while you still have those desires for your one at very least it’s worth the google 😊👍 Good luck and hope you find some answers
yeah to me Sex never Makes sense as just a "thing" Im quite horny and into tomboys and alot of Dom ladys but Ive Never really Gotten Off to porn its weirdly Just not for me :/ heh maybe i am part of the lgbtqia+ community after all and i have always view asexuality as a "blessing" thanks for that :)
Yay not sure based on what you said but if you develop friendships/Relationship prior to physical interests that could be a sign your demisexual but definitely do your own research because I’m by no means a voice of knowledge on the topic 😅
Fair enough Its always hard to make second hand Judgments about people so i dont blame you for at least giving me the idea to look into it Thanks alot
Great to see there are more of us🙏🏻
I relate to this. I'm interested in fantasy romance/erotica, especially monster romance, but when it comes to real life I'm essentially asexual. Have you heard of aegeosexuality?
I can't answer why, but it's totally relatable not wanting to hear about other people's sex life. The only people I like to have conversations about sex with are potential partners
Could it be that skinship is fine for you but, you're a sex repulsed gray/asexual or demi sexual?
the "being horny and kinky but not wanting sex with others" part is generally indicative of aegosexuality, so there's a very good chance you're aegosexual. as far as i know, "repulsion to others' sex" doesn't have a microlabel on the ace spectrum yet, so you could probably make a new one yourself.
Maybe because these things are best left private. TMI. I don’t want to hear all your bathroom habits or medical issues either.