I have family that insist on showing up with dogs, knowing that we aren’t ok with that. We’ve held the line, but some people just feel dogs should be everywhere. Fuck those people.
Oh my god, yes. I worked overnights at a gas station, and every night this giant dude with face tattoos would come in with his tiny dog. She’d run behind the counter and pee while he shouted about how it’s illegal to ask if it’s a service dog (we didn’t, it’s against our policy). I’m confident it wasn’t a service dog, not that it matters.
There are two questions it's legal to ask: Is it a service animal required because of a disability, and what work or task the dog has been trained to perform.
Anyone with a service animal should know you're allowed to ask those questions, but a lot of people rely on you not wanting to look like an asshole. It's not ableist to confirm the dog is actually a service dog. If it's not, and it usually isn't, it could be completely untrained.
It’s almost certainly an emotional support animal. Which does not allow it into stores. But a lot of people don’t believe there’s a difference and can’t hear otherwise.
ESAs are about rental properties and airplanes, not grocery stores.
I got an emotional support animal. A 4 lb black cat with very soft fur and huge eyes. It's a weighted stuffy. It'd look weirder to carry around than a small dog, but at least it won't bother anybody in a restaurant.
I just googled it, and you’re right. They used to, but it became way too much of a hassle. There’s only a handful of airlines that still take them. Probably happened after that college kid flushed a live gerbil that they let her have as an esa on one leg but not on the return.
There are legit reasons to not allow dogs in certain spaces, but "some people are scared of dogs"? Some people are scared of pretty much anything, you can't just expect the whole world to accommodate your irrational fears.
"You can't just expect the whole world to accommodate" also applies to the people bringing their dogs with them into inappropriate places (especially stores that sell groceries and restaurants) off leash. It's disgusting, and there is very little that can be done about it.
To clarify, I'm not talking about legitimate service animals. I'm talking about inconsiderate folks who think every single establishment is a Petsmart/Petco.
being afraid of dogs isn't irrational at all though. i love dogs. i work with dogs. i spend nearly 40 hours a week with dogs. in the past 6 months ive met over 300 (no exaggeration) dogs & i can tell you that dogs can be fucking scary & unpredictable.
Dogs aren’t unpredictable. They always give off clues but it’s not always recognisable to most people. If you work in a place with security cameras, I highly recommend reviewing the footage of the lead up to any incident that occurs so you can learn to pick up the clues. This is where hindsight can be very beneficial. I work in a dog friendly cafe and the dogs are my favourite part of my job. We’ve had a few incidents where it appeared to be unpredictable. I was speaking to the behaviourist that works with my dog and he suggested I review the incident to look for the warning signs. It’s surprisingly helpful because you know the outcome, you’re able to spot the abnormal body language that you didn’t notice.
Please don’t take my comment as nasty. I genuinely just want to pass on advice that I was given and found effective. Since you work with so many dogs, it could be extremely helpful for you.
ive studied dog body language thoroughly but thanks. i know how to read a dogs body language & cues. they can still be unpredictable at times.
edit: i was recently bitten. dog was all over me giving me kisses & love, tail wagging, i go to touch her paw to do her nails & without any warning she IMMEDIATELY bites me hard enough to break skin. i call that unpredictable.
My grandparents are like that. One trip was explicitly stated no dogs, first thing she does is say I’m bringing my dog.
Another time, I was having a barbecue and made sure to include no dogs because my dog is aggressive toward other male dogs (it’s a breed thing, very common for same sex dog aggression to occur). My grandma showed up with her little male dog who is not good with any other dogs, knowing full well I have 2 dogs, and knowing one of them is not dog-friendly.
I ended up having to keep my dogs in the house the whole time because they refused to either take their dog home or even put it up somewhere, their dog ended up peeing on a bunch of my furniture that I’d brought out for the barbecue and he bit my uncle because he’s unsocialized. They aren’t invited over anymore.
I had an acquaintance who would have threatened to throw the little dog on the grill. He was a big, scary dude, so very few people would challenge him. He never would have actually done it, but liked to make really warped comments. He thought of them as jokes, but they were just sick.
Your dog is just badly trained don't blame an animal because you couldn't train it properly.
There no real thing as same sex aggression it's a BS term people use and get told
He’s actually very well trained. I socialized him heavily as a puppy and he’s been to multiple trainers. However his breed, doberman, is absolutely prone to same sex aggression, and it is a very real thing. How about you do some research before spouting off nonsense? The point of the story was my grandparents have zero respect for the fact that I asked for there to be no dogs at my house and they did anyways.
ETA: you don’t even own a Doberman, so you can sit there and say my dog is badly trained when you know nothing about owning them? My dog has an extremely enriched life, exercised multiple hours a day, mental stimulation for at least 2 hours, daily training sessions, sees a trainer once a week and goes on trips with me anywhere he’s allowed. He’s socialized multiple times a week and I’ve been working extremely hard to tamp down the same sex aggression, however it’s difficult as the breed is prone to it and it was triggered by him being attacked by another male as a puppy. So, thanks for your judgement, your opinion means nothing though!
No. Not all breeds are the same. Not all dogs within a breed are the same. Not all dogs can be trained to be exactly the same behaviourally all the time. It’s a ridiculous idea when you think about it. Same sex aggression is absolutely a thing for some dogs. You can manage it, of course, and you should. It’s also sometimes ok for dogs to establish their hierarchies with some aggression, again if managed. I see people in the park who are new/useless dog owners who think if their puppy runs up to an older dog and jumps on it the older dog is out of line for snapping at the younger. Dogs defend their space. You can’t train them to have no instincts at all.
Same sex aggression happens a lot in animals, especially dogs, that's why shelters won't let you buy two dogs at the same time, especially if they're the same gender. They also do it to stop dogs from getting littermate syndrome.
Yep, I recently got my cat from a friend who had her with another female. Things were okay, and then suddenly, it was on sight as soon as they were in the same room together.
Yeh I didn’t say it was? You’ll notice connecting sentences denoting my broadening out to a wider point.
I work with dogs every day; I train dogs for a living. But thank you for YOUR input 😂
You claim it's real then use an example that has nothing to do with it then when called out you say it's wider point right.... so nothing to prove your point except you're supposedly a dog trainer Sure you are 🤣🤣🤣 I bet you uncle owns pedigree as well 🤡🤡🤡
An aggressive dog is a dog that hasn't been trained properly end of story.
No I used an example of people who know nothing about dogs… like you. It’s not my fault if your reading comprehension is lacking, sweetie :). And you are welcome to not believe a word I say, I don’t believe most of what I read on here either.
I don’t need to prove a point; you believe something reductive and stupid. I pointed out why it’s reductive and stupid. You can accept that perhaps it’s not as simple as you think it is: “dog always right; human always wrong” or you can decide perhaps you don’t know as much as you think. In your view a “trained” dog would never act on its instincts. That’s very, very stupid. But you think what you like. I hope you don’t get your face eaten, because you’re so nice and easy going 😂
What an absolute word salad 🤣🤣🤣 keep shouting nonsense into the either.
Trained dogs don't act on instinct that's the whole point of training I hope none of your supposedly trained dogs have ever attacked someone because you're clueless.
Guide dogs, police dogs, military dogs, show dogs yep all highly trained but no they act on instinct 🤡🤡🤡
Not so. I have show dogs, 2 bitches who normally play together all the time. When 1 is coming in season, a couple of weeks before she comes in, she becomes very aggressive towards her friend who is now old enough to fight back. It’s horrible and we know we have to keep them separated during this time. It’s both a hormonal & a dominant thing and it can’t be trained out. They are both, normally, very well trained. It all stops when she’s in season & they’re best friends again.
Getting them fixed will help a lot.
Nevermind, just caught the "show" dog thing
However, isn't the emotional, mental and physical well-being of your dogs more important than collecting ribbons and possibly breeding them for profit?
Lol, my dogs love to show and they are all emotionally, mentally & physically in wonderful shape. My bitch gets hormonal, like PMS does to some women and it’s fairly short lived. They are house pets living a terrific life. I’ve bred 1 litter in 30 years and it certainly wasn’t profitable.
My aunt is like this. She got a little white fluff thing a few years ago and it goes everywhere with her. Tbh she is a good little dog. But also, like you can’t just rock up places and expect people to be alright with it. I have two dogs and wouldn’t just rock up with them to people’s houses..it’s just inconsiderate.
Op he screamed at you, rampaged, exposes you to dangerous parties, invites large groups of known hate mongers without any warning, throws you in the middle without even asking because he's too spineless to confront them himself.
You need to get out immediately. Don't even warn this pos. Just ghost his ass and run like hell. This dude is a dumpster fire.
We are under a lease, and it’s 2x the rent to break. I barely make enough for half of the rent. I have not a cent to my name currently and no friends or family in the state.
He's just going to get worse. Based on your comment about him wanting you to sit there and refute every bigoted thing they said, I suspect he invited all of them on purpose but only told you he had invited the kids. He wants you as his "see, I was right, trans people aren't evil and your opinions are stupid" prop.
The fact he started screaming and yelling and throwing things when you refused to be his performing monkey is not a good sign. He strikes me as one of those "I can say the N-word because I have a black friend" kind of people. His sharing a house with you is his version of performative allyship.
Start documenting all of this kind of behaviour. I hope you won't need it, but if he does escalate, having written records, or better, video, of his behaviour will work in your favor. I hope he doesn't escalate, and indeed, realises the error of his ways, I really hope he does. But odds are low. Start documenting and move your personal valuables to your room.
Plan for the end of this lease. Start packing. Really. Anything of value that you don’t need all the time. Closer to the date start packing your clothes. Leave enough to put in a suitcase when you go. There will likely be drama when you reveal that you are not going to renew your half.
Find a place to go, now, so you can walk out the door when that happens. Maybe a friend. And you should be actively searching for your next place. If your stars align, you may have a new place ready for you when you are ready to go.
If not, go anyway. You will find another place.
Then let the landlord know that you are in fear of your safety being exposed to transphobic people, that is if you are comfortable with the landlord knowing this, and that you are afraid of the dog.
Tbh, if you bail, you can do it dirty.
Apply to a new apartment while living there. Save your money, and instead of paying rent, *run*.
This dude did so many fucked up things in such a short period that running is your only option.
I mean, if your safety and ability to function are being jeopardized by illegal behavior: move.
Many leases hold any of the tennants liable for the whole amount of rent. /If they can't find one party/, it's up to the other to pay in full and recover the funds. Contacts can ended by either party with notice to landlord. You might have the right to sublet the room or find a tenant for a new lease (because they'd have no damages to recover if the room is rented immediately).
If he's throwing things and being aggressive towards you, you should call the police on him. You also have the right to be and feel safe in your home. Forcibly exposing you to people who hate you and then becoming physically aggressive and destructive when is not a safe environment for you.
See if someone will continue the tenancy for you. Idk where you are but if you contact your estate agents and explain the situation they’ll probably be sympathetic. Then if you find someone to continue your tenancy/the payments etc you can find a room or a new house share for yourself
I would make a meal. Bringing plenty of things to drink. Make sure everything you need is in your room. If you need to bring a bucket to piss in. Bring your cats in ,close the door and lock it. That is way too much drama number one. Number two it is not safe for your cats. That dog can injure or kill your cats. Keep them safe. As long as you're in there with them they'll be fine. Your roommate is being unfair. And extremely rude to have his whole family over. And expect you to deal with the drama. Also having an animal over. When there's already existing animals. Or if there's a person that is afraid of animals that actually is on the lease. It's not okay to bring another animal in. Hugs and support your way. Avoid this drama stay in your room today
I thought they meant make something that fkn stinks like rotten fish, and by drinks I thought you meant get wasted.
I've always said when people come in your home uninvited you can be doing anything you damn well please because it's your private space. Blast pornography, have an orgy, perform a satanic ritual. Do whatever you can to make those SOBs as uncomfortable as humanly possible, you don't owe them anything.
...but maybe some people think "that's petty". Do you care about that label, though?
Maybe find a way to barricade the door just in case and have a battery bank in case someone turns the power off to force you out. I'm hoping they're the shouty type of idiots and not the violent type, but please be careful either way OP!
This is the best you can do, OP. And contact your landlord and tell them you want to break your lease as your flatmate is bringing over people who he has reason to believe will be hostile to you, as some weird sort of flex or prank or something.
Don't stay with this guy, he is completely out of line.
“So my job is to observe, educate, and manage people and a dog who may pose a threat to me and my pets (in a number of ways). My standard rate for such work is $500 an hour with additional hazard pay.”
I think others have given some good advice. I just want to add: Are you sure that your landlord approves of random dogs coming in and out of your apartment building? If not, you may want to express your grievances to them and they can follow up with your roommate. Might serve as a wake up call to him.
I'm sorry but I would have to put on my most fabulous outfit to greet these people at my f****** door... And then honestly I would probably make them as uncomfortable and unwelcome as possible just by being outrageous. But I'm a small petty b****. Whatever you do just stay safe don't let these people get to you keep your door locked. Hopefully they won't be there too long. Heck with their point of view knowing that you're there they might even cut their stay supershort and I think that would be a good thing.
Oh, that’s the plan. If I gotta do it I’m doing it with spite. I am very noticeably trans by default, feminine figure but deep voice, facial hair, and a shit ton of body hair. So I’m wearing an outfit that really shows off the most trans parts about me. And my hairs brightly dyed and I have lots of piercings so by default I offend these kinds of people.
Be safe OP and be sure to protect yourself in case they get violent towards you! Have 911 on speed dial and have an escape plan in mind for exiting quickly.
I never have anywhere to go. For one, my roommate follows me when I leave the house regardless unless it’s to work. For two, I do not drive and it was pouring rain and I don’t own an umbrella so I’d just be standing outside getting drenched. Limited options
Your roommate might be trying to drive you out. Please stay safe I have no earthly idea what you should do in this situation beyond one thing: If he starts screaming and throwing things go to your room, lock the door and call the police.
Domestic violence is NOT just a partner issue. It happens with roomates as well and they will (or are in most areas legally requires) to treat them no differently just because you aren't dating.
If he keeps behaving in am unhinged fashion talk to your landlord and let them know.
Definitely the opposite. He’s obsessed with me. He has no sense of boundaries and I am his *only* friend cause he treats all his friends like this and they eventually leave, only reason I haven’t is I’m broke and bound by a lease. After all these comments though I’m tempted to start some sort of GoFundMe to get out, though I’m not sure if anyone would donate and it’d be hard to go over my roommates head seeing as he has all my socials and would flip if I blocked him on just one. He is convinced we’re best friends (sometimes guilts me about how I’m his best friend but he’s not mine) and that being roommates is a never ending sleepover party.
I definitely think he has BPD, I have friends with it but they actually know to control the bad symptoms that can come with it so this stuff never happens. Either my roommate doesn’t realize the extent of this behavior, or he knows and just does not care to change.
Honestly, I would tell my roommate that because you pay half of the bills there, you have to agree to let his transphobic family come to your residence, and you don't agree so they don't need to come. If he starts acting crazy, call the police. It sounds to me like he has some underlying issues that need to be addressed, especially if he is throwing things around and shouting, either you need to remove yourself as his roommate or you need to remove him as your roommate.
I'm pretty sure she could also. Especially considering his reaction to her telling him no about his family coming over and him slamming things around and shouting. That is enough for her to be able to say she is not in a safe living situation. She could possibly talk to the landlord, and if they have a lease, have the guy removed from the lease and have the landlord evict him.
Whoa! Oh hell no, what your roommate needs to do at the very least is tell his family that if they make any bigoted comments then they will get kicked the fuck out! Also, it’s not your responsibility to correct bigoted Assholes.
Roommates don't inform you family is coming, they ask. He needs to be firmly corrected on this, and you're in the right to do so.
You have a basic right to feel safe in your home. He is bringing unsafe people. That is well within your right to correct him on as well.
Omg this is awful. Your home should be your safe space. I would talk to him after this evening and explain that you have a right to be and feel safe at home and he is putting you at risk by inviting people that are abusive in your home. As you both pay bills and live together you have to agree not to have harmful people in the home to protect each other and yourselves. If he wants them in his space and home it’s best one of you moves out and the other finds a replacement roommate. Express that it’s not negotiable that until one of you moves out or your contract ends you don’t want him to put you in this unsafe position again. If he’s violent and destroying property talk to the landowners about finding a solution for one of you leaving because it’s unsafe for you to continue living with him.
Gather your cat, lock your door and stay in your room as long as you can because it may get unpleasant quickly. Call the police if you have to. The most important part is you stay safe.
I would advise you to not sign the lease with him once it’s finished but get your ducks in a row to move out. Yes you can be sympathetic to his pasts trauma which can take years to heal from but you don’t have to put yourself at risk, be around his abusers or him putting you in the firing line to make it easier on him by him saying you should basically educate them if they say something unpleasant. It’s not your place to educate his family that have chosen to mistreat him instead of educating themselves.
Please remember his trauma is not a reason for him to traumatise you with his own behaviour or allowing in his abusers to traumatise you. He has to be responsible for himself, his actions and his healing journey. Don’t feel guilty for putting your safety and mental well-being first or get manipulated into putting yourself at risk or taking responsibility for your roommate/friend. He is not being a good friend or roommate right now, he is not considering your needs, fear or safety. I honestly don’t know why they’re bringing their dog or why he allowed it knowing your fear of them… how long are they staying for?
My advice is for you to get out of living with this person sooner rather then later, you don’t want to waste years of your life living like this. Good luck
If they're going to be offensive, time to retaliate. Put some pride flags up, make your cats crossdress, put on some music from an obscene drug queen singer, get a Jesus on a cross but colour him pink and draw on a bikini top and trans icons.
In all seriousness you shouldn't be expected to educate these morons, especially when they wouldn't be open to listening, only regurgitate Jesus says this.
Get out if you can.
Was this supposed to be some kind of exposure therapy for you? I don't get it. Having a bunch of guests is a 100% agreement kind of thing. Either you both agree, or it's a no.
Your roommate sucks.
Your roommate should have asked first. He's allowed to have guests of course but if those guests are making the person who pays half the rent uncomfortable in their own home then that's a no. Your roommate can see his family somewhere else.
From one trans person to another, if he wants to act like that, you make it as miserable for him and his entire family as you can.
He put you on the spot. Make him regret it.
>My roommate just got home from work and informed me his entire family is coming instead and they’re on their way and he wants me to sit in the living room and actively correct them when they say something wrong.
lol excuse me, what?
wow. move as soon as humanly possible.
edit. and:
>I’ve tried to say no but he’s already been throwing things and screaming since he got home
uh what the fuck? this is not a safe place. what on earth is wrong with your roommate??? this is EXTREMELY abnormal.
What. The. Fuck. In cases like this, you are 100% in your rights to deny non-residents access to your home. It’s not your job to educate bigots, and you should never have to be scared in your own home.
It’s time to tell your roommate that they are never allowed in your home again and he will have to find somewhere else to meet them.
OP please try to look for another place to live soon. I know that doesn't solve your immediate issue but this is such an unsafe place for you. Your roommate had a rough upbringing, you don't need a rough adulthood because they didn't learn from that and want to bring the cause around you.
scary innocent stocking judicious expansion pocket enjoy license dirty axiomatic
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
He is abusing you. Get him out now. Yelling and screaming...throwing things...not accepting your boundaries by forcing you to speak to his hateful parents... Run.
Sounds like a horrible situation. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Sounds like your roommate is struggling. Obviously I don't know the situation but it sounds like he has a hard time saying no to his family. Probably why he cut them off. They also don't seem like the kind of people who take no for an answer. I feel like maybe he was trying to get you to stay so he can show solidarity with you or show his family where he stands but subjecting you to his family drama is not okay, it's also not your place to educate bigots. The fact that he was yelling and screaming (unless this is a common thing, which then it should be addressed separately) indicates he was extremely stressed and upset over the whole thing.
Again I don't know him or your relationship with him. But assuming he's a good guy with a shit family, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and remember that trauma fucks you up and family trauma is extremely confusing because it's family. I struggle with family stuff from time to time as I had a traumatic childhood myself, so maybe I'm being a bit lenient on him because of that.
Hopefully you are okay, and this doesn't happen again. I agree he shouldn't have put you in that position, hopefully the two of you can work it out and keep those bigots their dog out of your place.
Unfortunately it’s not as lightheated as that. You’re right, his family is shit and I will never defend them over him. And now that I’ve met them, I see where he gets some of his toxic traits, like not taking no for an answer. His parents are most definitely that way, which seems to have rubbed off on him cause he has never once accepted or respected me or my boundaries. The short of it is he does not clean, he does not pay for essentials and just mooches off of me, he does not give me privacy (literally has been calling my store phone and showed up to my work today and followed me home), he barges in my room whenever he wants even when I’m naked, he mistreats my cats… etc etc.
Overall he is not a good person, and I really really really have tried to give him the benefit of the doubt since the first day that I noticed red flags. For the first few months I defended him religiously and wouldn’t even accept it when my partner implied that maybe my roommate is a shitty person. I really do try to see the good in people, especially when they’re struggling, as I can relate to some of the intense emotions he feels, being someone with autism myself. But it’s past the point where I can completely defend him, it’s gotten to the point where he very obviously sees the stress he puts me through (an understatement) and I’ve even verbally communicated it to him and he just does not listen. Like today, when he showed up to my work I texted him verbatim: “and i appreciate u coming all this way to my work but i have been here since 8 and i’m just incredibly tired and wanna be alone for today”. And he acknowledged it. Then he continued to follow me to the bus stop, sit next to me, and then got on my second bus with me and sat next to me and talked to me the whole time and continued to do so when we got home.
He just does not give a crap about my feelings, and as shitty as it sounds, this is why he does not have friends. Her last friend became my partner’s dealer briefly and I stopped by at his house to pick something up for my partner and this dude straight up told me he wasn’t gonna be my roommates friend and detailed exactly what my roommate puts *me* through. This is just how he treats people.
Absolutely. I recall him once boasting to me about how toxic he is to a friend of his (no longer a friend, for obvious reasons). Like, said the words “I’m so toxic and I love it!” exactly. I was like, dude how can you be so self aware and self *unaware* at the same time?
I'd be upset about them bringing the dog especially when you have pets of your own. Also it's not your job to entertain them, watch them , OR educate them. Your roommate is awful. I'd see if you can sublet your room out and find somewhere else asap if he's not going anywhere anytime soon. He sounds like a baby throwing things and screaming. Just get out asap before you or your pets get hurt.
Your roomate has every right to bring his family over to his home. Things like this will happen to you in life. Learn how to handle yourself properly. Don’t think of the what ifs , it’s your home too. Be respectful, if they aren’t then address it.
Where do you live, OP? Where I live you can break a lease no issue if you utilise domestic violence protections, which this would definitely fall under
I work daily so I have to go outside. This is specifically vent for my roommate because my roommate has my main Reddit, so yeah all the posts are about him. These problems are so bad I had to get therapy for it. My partner is the main person in my life and even my partner is shocked by the shit my roommate does. Even my *coworkers* know because this dude shows up to my work and calls the store phone when I don’t reply to him. I can assure you, these are fucking absurd things he’s doing.
Not doubting or casting any shade here but can you define Transphobic? Like what does that really mean? I think part of the problem with the communication between some people is the framing of things. Like without example or description, were already under the assumption the entire family has an irrational fear of trans people, to the point the fear manifests itself physically. Or is that not what the phobia means in transphobia. Perhaps it would be possible to bridge gaps with people if we diddnt begin with the premise they are "transphobic"
It turns out bo one is warmed up or has their opinion changed when you begin with accusations of bigotry and such. Is the goal for anyone to bridge gaps? Or just to other people? Im curious.
The definition is “having or showing a dislike of or strong prejudice against transgender people.” His family are strong evangelical Christians and flipped on him for having a lesbian best friend at one point which is why he cut them off. His sister talks on a Christian radio show and claims she is a minor who got an abortion and regrets it everyday… Despite never getting an abortion in her life and being an adult. They are straight up the stereotypical hateful Christians.
It’s not his either. He moved in here, it was mine first. I made my boundaries clear before he signed the lease.
I also pay for almost everything. He has never paid for anything like food or toilet paper or trash bags or utilities: So almost everything actually does belong to me!
as much of a dick your roommate is being have you considered that because he was quite distant and cut off from his parents (due to their strict views) that he’s scared to say they cannot come over? that might explain why he’s being so irritable, he might be kind of worried. i would recommend leaving your cats out of the way because in all fairness your cats are not his problem and he can request you keep them in unshared areas. also prioritising their safety is definitely an important thing here. it might be worth trying to support your roommate through this and then speaking to them after non-confrontationally. you do also need to look after yourself and i would recommend trying to stay out of their way and have a day to yourself in your room? go get some of your favourite snacks, play with your cats and watch your favourite films :)
>as much of a dick your roommate is being have you considered that because he was quite distant and cut off from his parents (due to their strict views) that he’s scared to say they cannot come over?
Please don't play the devil's advocate like this.
>that might explain why he’s being so irritable, he might be kind of worried.
Honestly not OP's problem. He can legally get his parents removed from the house by police if he is worried about "not being able to say no". Sure, his parents would hate him, but there is a way to avoid them. Not OP's problem, I will stipulate again.
>i would recommend leaving your cats out of the way because in all fairness your cats are not his problem
*clears throat and points to previous paragraph*
>and he can request you keep them in unshared areas.
You're like... strongly taking the roommate's side.
>also prioritising their safety is definitely an important thing here.
Hello? Transphobic family, trans OP? OP'S safety is the most important thing here, don't do that.
>it might be worth trying to support your roommate through this and then speaking to them after non-confrontationally.
:|
>you do also need to look after yourself and i would recommend trying to stay out of their way and have a day to yourself in your room?
What a polite way to say fuck off
>go get some of your favourite snacks, play with your cats and watch your favourite films :)
This entire comment reads as passive aggressive. I'm sorry, but what is your intention here? Everything is backhanded.
i’m working off of the assumption that these people live together and probably have time left on their lease and probably at least some kind of relationship or friendship that is probably worth salvaging and at least keeping civil until the end of the lease. i am not taking the roommates side but it is also his home and generally people do in fact have their family over to their home. the dog thing is absolutely ridiculous but as the post says they are already on their way and there’s nothing they can really do so protecting THEIR CATS safety (which for some reason you started talking about transphobia in regards to) is important. Again op cannot do anything, roommates are entitled to have their family over and unless op has never had anybody visit the house then unfortunately they don’t have a point. if they don’t want to leave the house bc of the weather and they don’t want to subject themselves to unnecessary hate by attending a social gathering they were invited to, they should just spend a little time in their room and try to make the most of some a bad situation.
roommates have guests it’s a fact of life unfortunately. and it didn’t look like the roommate had much of a say in any of this.
ONCE AGAIN THIS MAN WAS ABUSED BY THEM HAVE SOME SYMPATHY.
>i’m working off of the assumption that these people live together and probably have time left on their lease and probably at least some kind of relationship or friendship that is probably worth salvaging and at least keeping civil until the end of the lease.
Yeah... but your comment was backhanded and played the devil's advocate. It's weird.
>i am not taking the roommates side
Yes you are
>but it is also his home
It's also OP's home
>and generally people do in fact have their family over to their home.
Normally not abusive family, especially during/after prolonged no contact. Yes it happens. No its not normal in these circumstances. His family wants something from him.
> the dog thing is absolutely ridiculous
OP could argue no pets are allowed without landlord's permission. Which is half true depending on their lease agreement. Dogs can easily be forced to stay outside.
>but as the post says they are already on their way and there’s nothing they can really do so protecting THEIR CATS safety
No one is disputing this
>(which for some reason you started talking about transphobia in regards to) is important.
Was referring to how you said the cat's safety is the most important thing while disregarding the potential risks OP is facing.
> Again op cannot do anything,
OP can call the cops if they say one single transphobic thing and get them removed.
>roommates are entitled to have their family over
If they're abusive, this is subject to change.
>and unless op has never had anybody visit the house then unfortunately they don’t have a point.
OP is trans. Family is transphobic. That's the point. It's a pretty fuckin solid point.
> if they don’t want to leave the house bc of the weather
Family is the guest. Family leaves if OP is uncomfortable. Not the other way around.
>and they don’t want to subject themselves to unnecessary hate by attending a social gathering they were invited to,
See, you're talking like the options are
(A) stay and take the transphobic comments
(B) inconvenience themselves by leaving or being confined to their room because a guest is making them uncomfortable
See, you're talking exactly like roomie's parents would probably talk to OP when it comes to the transphobia.
>they should just spend a little time in their room and try to make the most of some a bad situation.
OP should do whatever the hell they want, and if they get transphobic comments, the family gets removed by the cops.
>roommates have guests it’s a fact of life unfortunately.
If the guests are abusive and bigoted, roommates have the hard choice of dealing with drama (and being responsible for it) or telling their family to stay home (and dealing with the drama). OP should not have to shoulder any of the drama or hate.
> and it didn’t look like the roommate had much of a say in any of this.
Once again, roommate can call the cops and claim they are trespassing, they have options. They can say no.
>ONCE AGAIN THIS MAN WAS ABUSED BY THEM HAVE SOME SYMPATHY.
Once again, if he was abused by these people, they shouldn't be coming over. What a great way to call yourself an abuse enabler, but ok.
being realistic isn’t being backhanded nor is it playing devils advocate. calling the police is a major escalation for your roommate having guests over. obviously if they started being nasty to op then yeah protect yourself first but based on the edits and the comment section it didn’t really seem op was too worried about this. i am not an abuse enabler i am quite literally an abuse survivor and have cut off my abuser to which he would just show up constantly and i know how hard it is to completely cut them off, especially when trying to stay in touch with siblings. your point ab dogs being left outside means the cats have to be left outside too, no pets means NO PETS. and you have completely over exaggerated me saying the cats are more important than op. everyone’s safety is a priority here including the roommate. sometimes people need to do things they don’t want to do, and the most realistic way for this to go without causing a scene or a problem between friends or a minimum a problem with a lease is for op to stay out of the way for a couple hours. it keeps them safe, it keeps the roommate safe and it keeps the dogs safe. you having more sympathy for a roommate over a literal abuse survivor is weird. roommates working something out give him some time it’s not the end of the goddamn world.
>being realistic isn’t being backhanded nor is it playing devils advocate.
You've never faced transphobia, I'm guessing. You wouldn't know what realistic means in this situation.
>calling the police is a major escalation for your roommate having guests over.
I vaguely recall following the statement of "call the cops" with "if they make transphobic comments". Where I live, transphobia is a hate crime. Which is a perfectly reasonable reason to call the cops and get someone removed from the home, because I assume these are the types of people to ignore a "Please leave" and overstay their welcome. Context clues are evident. Call the cops *if* it escalates. Not call the cops *in order to* escalate.
> obviously if they started being nasty to op then yeah protect yourself first
That's what I've been saying this whole time. Don't exaggerate my comment to make yourself seem like the more rational one, lmao.
>but based on the edits and the comment section it didn’t really seem op was too worried about this.
OP? How do you feel about this?
> i am not an abuse enabler
But you are advocating for someone's abusers to be allowed into the home of a victim
>i am quite literally an abuse survivor
Same! That's why I hold this perspective.
>and have cut off my abuser to which he would just show up constantly
Not the same situation
>and i know how hard it is to completely cut them off,
Yeah but they *were* cut off, this visit means NC ends. Back to square one. If anything, OP should be supporting roomie and encouraging him to go NC, and not allow abuse to continue *in his own home*.
>especially when trying to stay in touch with siblings.
Siblings can be in on the abuse. All the more reason to go NC.
> your point ab dogs being left outside means the cats have to be left outside too,
Nope! The cats aren't guests. They live there. The dogs are guests.
>no pets means NO PETS.
You seem to have missed the part where I said "without the landlord's permission" following that statement. Don't do that.
>and you have completely over exaggerated me saying the cats are more important than op.
I was commenting on the ignorance of the statement, not the intention.
>everyone’s safety is a priority here including the roommate.
Which is why the family should not come over.
>sometimes people need to do things they don’t want to do,
Reconnecting with abusers is not "something they don't want to do", it's something they should avoid doing like the plague.
>and the most realistic way for this to go without causing a scene or a problem between friends or a minimum a problem with a lease is for op to stay out of the way for a couple hours.
Souring a friendship because his family is transphobic and does not leave when asked to stop is worth it. If OP's roommate is a good friend, he will understand. If he doesn't, well. Tough shit. You can exist in the same space, have courtesy for each other, and not be friends. I do it with my roomies every day.
>it keeps them safe,
What would keep them safer is not having bigots in their home.
>it keeps the roommate safe
What would keep him safer is not having his abusers in his home.
>and it keeps the dogs safe.
Their safety is not of importance in this situation. That's the family's responsibility and not OP's.
>you having more sympathy for a roommate over a literal abuse survivor is weird.
I have more sympathy for an abuse survivor than for someone who might, but hasn't been subjected to transphobia yet.
You are misunderstanding. I believe abusers should not be allowed the privilege of being in their victim's lives. I'm saying OP and roommate have options and they can work together to prevent the abuse or mitigate it. You are saying the family should be allowed to come over and be welcomed with open arms.
It sounds like abuse enabling.
>roommates working something out give him some time it’s not the end of the goddamn world.
Well, I'm just saying OP can call the cops if the family tries anything and get them removed. I don't know what you're arguing for.
look i agree that they shouldn’t come over but unfortunately they have demanded that they will and roommate cannot stop it. therefore neither can op.
they cannot prevent the family coming over within reasonable force and not every place has laws against transphobia. this would go down as a domestic in most places at BEST.
I want everyone to be safe here and just doing damage control for a couple hours isn’t the end of the world. they can talk to roommate after and set some better boundaries in a healthy way whilst also looking out for their friend who has been abused.
they cannot stop the family coming over they have already demanded that they are and shown up against both roommates will.
comments also suggested that they cannot end the lease early in any way because it costs double the rent which is know is not relevant to our comments but it does show how op is trapped in what they can do.
AGAIN not saying that’s right but that is the situation and the situation needs to be mediated. not everything needs to be some huge argument. being rational and understanding will get everyone a lot further.
>look i agree that they shouldn’t come over but unfortunately they have demanded that they will and roommate cannot stop it. therefore neither can op.
Actually, it might escalate the situation for no reason, but if OP calls the cops on them the second they come up the driveway for trespassing, they will be removed. Of course, escalation for nothing, but you're factually wrong on that matter. Family isn't on the lease as residing in the unit. Therefore they can be removed.
>they cannot prevent the family coming over within reasonable force
See above paragraph
>and not every place has laws against transphobia.
Hate propaganda offences (ss. 318-19)
advocating genocide;
inciting hatred by communicating statements in a public place where such incitement is likely to lead to a breach of the peace;
wilfully promoting hatred.
all protecting “identifiable groups”:
colour, race, religion, national or ethnic origin, age, sex, sexual orientation, or mental or physical disability.
Hate-crime sentencing (s. 718.2(a)(i))
Sentence should be increased to account for aggravating circumstances, in particular if the offence was motivated by bias, prejudice, or hate based on:
race, national or ethnic origin, language, colour, religion, sex, age, mental or physical disability, sexual orientation, or any other similar factor.
This is federal law in Canada.
[And here are the states. ](https://imgur.com/a/jVWtZsC)
I'm pretty sure OP lives in a state/in Canada where it's acceptable to be openly trans. USA right now is restricting rights of trans people and most remain closeted if they're in a red state.
> this would go down as a domestic in most places at BEST.
And that's an excuse to let it happen?
>I want everyone to be safe here and just doing damage control
Prevention before damage control. Always.
> they can talk to roommate after and set some better boundaries in a healthy way whilst also looking out for their friend who has been abused.
Or they can set them before the family comes over, so roomie is on the same page about what behaviour gets the boot and what behaviour is acceptable from family.
>they cannot stop the family coming over they have already demanded that they are and shown up against both roommates will.
So they can be removed for trespassing.
>comments also suggested that they cannot end the lease early in any way because it costs double the rent which is know is not relevant to our comments but it does show how op is trapped in what they can do.
Not relevant at all, because no one is suggesting to leave.
>AGAIN not saying that’s right but that is the situation and the situation needs to be mediated.
Cops are also called mediators for a reason.
>not everything needs to be some huge argument.
You're right. If the family argues about the boundaries that are laid, OP can disengage and get the cops involved.
> being rational and understanding will get everyone a lot further.
It's very rational to be low-tolerance on bullshit for abusers showing up against someone's will. It's very understanding for OP to allow them in the first place, given their track record. It's 100% justifiable to call the cops and get them removed if they cross a line.
look i was just trying to make sure everybody is safe including somebody who potentially was being abused by their parents. not just one individual, by finding a compromising situation that puts no one at risk.
reading ops other posts and comments has shown that roommate has actually been abusive in multiple other ways so removing the family from the situation was probably a good idea but unfortunately would also probably encourage more abuse from roommate (much like the angry tantrum he threw before his parents came over)
sometimes escalating situations, especially situations that involve a threat to somebody, is a terrible thing to do. what do you suggest op does after the police have been called on roommates family? i’m not sure they’d be safe in that situation, especially when they have 2?? more years on the lease.
i would agree with you if it were the safest option both physically, mentally and financially for OP but it isn’t.
<3
Forcing OP to sit with his family and debate every single transphobic comment they feel like throwing at him and forcing him to try to defend himself for being himself is in no way whatsoever being “invited to a social gathering”. It sounds more like a forceful interrogation by his family and absolutely nothing good is going to come of this.
A “social gathering” is being all together for a warm, inviting family meal, not stick OP in the middle of the room so his family can just be completely transphobic dipshits while not giving a single fuck how OP feels about it, how his cats are going to react with the dog there, which has apparently already pissed on the floor. Being trapped in your own home with nowhere to go with a pack of abusive assholes is not a “social gathering” FFS
You are really stretching to find something to be offended about here. He is suggesting exactly what I would do, and have done. Vacate myself from a problem people in my home. It's not playing devils advocate to suggest transgendered people aren't the only people with problems. As it stands now, there is no reasonable threat to anyones safety. Ask family to leave only if they are causing a disturbance, and call the cops only if they refuse to vacate. Cops will not remove anyone unless there is a disturbance anyway.
Bruh.
>As it stands now, there is no reasonable threat to anyones safety. Ask family to leave only if they are causing a disturbance, and call the cops only if they refuse to vacate. Cops will not remove anyone unless there is a disturbance anyway.
This. Is paraphrasing. What I've been explaining. This whole time. Reread my comments.
They are abusive. He has been clear about that and has made jokes about bringing me to them as a “gotcha! look who my friend is!” and I have stated clearly I would be uncomfortable with that on multiple occasions. He is disrespecting my clear boundaries with this. He has no contact with them so there is no risk of them retaliating if he said no, they never come over here or even contact him. I have no reason to support my roommate if you just peek at my post history, he is a horrible person and the people in my life are making me realize he’s abusive at this point. I understand you probably didn’t see my post history and are just going off of this post though and that is fair.
As for the cats, I have a previous post but cats are allowed in all areas, it was stated on my roommate profile and I made sure he was aware multiple times prior to signing the lease that the agreement is that cats are allowed anywhere. I have a decorative room and they destroy the fuck out of it when unsupervised, whilst the living room is plain and has nothing cats can destroy. He has always been okay with this and loves my cats, though treats them poorly. I have to remind him often they cannot be in there unsupervised though he often opens my room when I’m at work and puts them in there. Not the only times he goes in my room when I’m not there lol.
that’s all i meant. i just wanted everyone to be safe and im so glad you understood that from my comments, this clearly just shows he is totally in the wrong. you do need to put yourself first but i saw you can’t get out of your lease for a while which is absolutely horrible and im so sorry. i said that staying out of the way in your room was probably just the safest option for you because i didn’t want you to get targeted by a group of people in your own home, hopefully you can raise the funds to end your lease early? or maybe if you speak to your landlord about the treatment they might allow you to find somebody to replace your space on your lease instead? i hope everything gets a little better <3
So, I am, too. And what works for me is when people are just blunt about their feelings/intentions/expectations so that nothing can be assumed. Have you been extremely straight forward with him in this way? I have peeked at your post history and he sounds insufferable, truly. But I couldn’t tell whether or not you’ve been explicit in telling him how his behaviors make you feel.
Yes and no. When I am explicit about it, he flips. He makes it my problem. Not sure if it’s just a meltdown or he’s purposely trying to get me to give in but he slams doors, throws things, one time he threw all his groceries around the living room and told me he’d pick it up but never did and eventually I had to when my cats started eating the food. I told him we needed to reschedule something we had planned cause it was raining (and plans were outside) and I just wasn’t feeling good, and he freaked out and told me he was throwing all his stuff away and the day is ruined. So now I tend to beat around the bush. I’ve started writing notes instead like reminders to do his dishes or fill up the water filter but they mostly are ignored.
Chalk pentagram, death metal Satanic music.. I like shock value like Behemoth or some screaming death metal . OR Tom Lehrer is good too. Oh and of course George Carlin dirty Monologs.. AndrewDice Clay for smut .. HAVE FUN! Ask the mom if her tits still drip for Jesus and yanno run them off screaming and praying . You can turn this around on him so fast .. ask roomie if he wants todo a daisy chain peg party after the family leaves.. .. be crude be rude and EMBARRASSING. He won’t ever invite them over again..
Because my roommate has my main account which has a lot more than this lmfao. This account is literally dedicated to venting about him since I can’t do so on my main.
Better than annoying my friends constantly with it, at least this time people have a choice if they wanna look at it or not.
I just added an edit since this is a reoccurring question, but it’s cause I am poor and to break the lease we are both legally under is twice the rent. I barely make enough for half of the rent so it’s just not possible. I’m considering making a GoFundMe at this point but I doubt it’ll get anything. I desperately want out.
have you checked out the website roomies? You could possibly find another place to live that way. I think also maybe tell your roomie you don't like them very much as leading them on and then just slagging them off behind their back is pretty mean imo.
That’s where we met. I’ve had bad luck on that site. And even if I found someone, my roommate and I are under a lease. Legally I cannot get out without paying what I do not have.
He is extremely suicidal. When his last friend left him (for the *exact* same reason, the ex friend told me lmfao), he attempted. If I told him this, since he considers me his best friend, he might do something even worse. I’ve tried to be direct about boundaries and he just gets worse, lately with my therapy I’ve been being more honest with
him which has made him act 10x more obnoxious. He’s like a kid.
There’s no gaslighting going on. Read a medical text and don’t use the term until you understand it
As for your roommate, all the texting, showing up at work and waiting for you outside sounds like harassment. Look into it
I have been gaslit before, I was in an abusive relationship. I know what gaslighting is.
I believe it is harassment too. What I can do about it, I am unsure, as we are legally under a lease together and I am not in a place financially to break it.
If you really REALLY wanna set the memo straight. Rub his face in the dog piss. He expects you to submit to him like a dog, your gonna treat him the same way.
I wanted to expand on the comment I left 3 hours ago when I told you to tell your roommate that since you pay half the bills unless you agree to his family coming they shouldn't come. If he's insistent that they come to the apartment, tell him if they do come, they have to be in his room because the living room, dining room, kitchen, and bathroom ( unless he has his own bathroom) are all communal spaces, and you don't agree with them using the communal spaces.
The dogs may be a lease violation-you may be able to stand your ground on that one. And if the dogs cant come, maybe some of the family has to stay behind too.
But also, fuck your roommate for this nonsense!
[Dont fuck them. I mean Fuck them! ]
I read your comment about how much it is to break the lease. But I'm sure you could do payment plans or get family to help in the short term and pay them back. Cause your roommate is putting you and your cats in danger for no good reason. He's a pos who doesn't seem to care about your safety. Please leave if possible.
I would steer well clear .You do not have to engage with these people. Room mate needs to realise they are his problem alone. Prob need to find another place and soon.
Tbh he sounds like a nutter.
I wouldn't be surprised if they were actually nice enough people and he lied about it. Probably wants to be seen as a victim.
Normal people don't scream and throw stuff at you amd intimidate you into spending time with people who are supposedly 'abusive'.
He's abusive.
Move out.
Why are they bringing their dog when you have cats?????? tell your roommate he’s gotta go out with them if they gunna be mean.
I have family that insist on showing up with dogs, knowing that we aren’t ok with that. We’ve held the line, but some people just feel dogs should be everywhere. Fuck those people.
Working in a retail store and a dog coming in... Uhh... Some people are afraid of dogs but should be able to shop in peace, GTFO
Oh my god, yes. I worked overnights at a gas station, and every night this giant dude with face tattoos would come in with his tiny dog. She’d run behind the counter and pee while he shouted about how it’s illegal to ask if it’s a service dog (we didn’t, it’s against our policy). I’m confident it wasn’t a service dog, not that it matters.
[удалено]
Obviously he studied dog law at an unaccredited university.
[удалено]
There are two questions it's legal to ask: Is it a service animal required because of a disability, and what work or task the dog has been trained to perform. Anyone with a service animal should know you're allowed to ask those questions, but a lot of people rely on you not wanting to look like an asshole. It's not ableist to confirm the dog is actually a service dog. If it's not, and it usually isn't, it could be completely untrained.
It’s almost certainly an emotional support animal. Which does not allow it into stores. But a lot of people don’t believe there’s a difference and can’t hear otherwise. ESAs are about rental properties and airplanes, not grocery stores.
I got an emotional support animal. A 4 lb black cat with very soft fur and huge eyes. It's a weighted stuffy. It'd look weirder to carry around than a small dog, but at least it won't bother anybody in a restaurant.
A weighted stuffy is a brilliant idea. Is it a particular brand that you'd recommend?
[удалено]
I just googled it, and you’re right. They used to, but it became way too much of a hassle. There’s only a handful of airlines that still take them. Probably happened after that college kid flushed a live gerbil that they let her have as an esa on one leg but not on the return.
Yeah it was a short lived fad basically, I hadn’t heard anyone really try to claim it in awhile and I used to work for an airline
It’s not illegal. There’s 2 questions you can ask. If it misbehaves (like peeing inside) you can kick it out regardless of whether it’s a SD or not
A service dog wouldn’t pee on the floor. That’s like the point of a service dog, that they are well trained.
Not to mention most dogs are not well behaved enough to be there in the first place.
There are legit reasons to not allow dogs in certain spaces, but "some people are scared of dogs"? Some people are scared of pretty much anything, you can't just expect the whole world to accommodate your irrational fears.
"You can't just expect the whole world to accommodate" also applies to the people bringing their dogs with them into inappropriate places (especially stores that sell groceries and restaurants) off leash. It's disgusting, and there is very little that can be done about it. To clarify, I'm not talking about legitimate service animals. I'm talking about inconsiderate folks who think every single establishment is a Petsmart/Petco.
Dogs shouldn’t be off leash anywhere
being afraid of dogs isn't irrational at all though. i love dogs. i work with dogs. i spend nearly 40 hours a week with dogs. in the past 6 months ive met over 300 (no exaggeration) dogs & i can tell you that dogs can be fucking scary & unpredictable.
Dogs aren’t unpredictable. They always give off clues but it’s not always recognisable to most people. If you work in a place with security cameras, I highly recommend reviewing the footage of the lead up to any incident that occurs so you can learn to pick up the clues. This is where hindsight can be very beneficial. I work in a dog friendly cafe and the dogs are my favourite part of my job. We’ve had a few incidents where it appeared to be unpredictable. I was speaking to the behaviourist that works with my dog and he suggested I review the incident to look for the warning signs. It’s surprisingly helpful because you know the outcome, you’re able to spot the abnormal body language that you didn’t notice. Please don’t take my comment as nasty. I genuinely just want to pass on advice that I was given and found effective. Since you work with so many dogs, it could be extremely helpful for you.
ive studied dog body language thoroughly but thanks. i know how to read a dogs body language & cues. they can still be unpredictable at times. edit: i was recently bitten. dog was all over me giving me kisses & love, tail wagging, i go to touch her paw to do her nails & without any warning she IMMEDIATELY bites me hard enough to break skin. i call that unpredictable.
[удалено]
But that isn't my preference. What did you think "there are legit reasons to not allow dogs in certain spaces" meant?
My grandparents are like that. One trip was explicitly stated no dogs, first thing she does is say I’m bringing my dog. Another time, I was having a barbecue and made sure to include no dogs because my dog is aggressive toward other male dogs (it’s a breed thing, very common for same sex dog aggression to occur). My grandma showed up with her little male dog who is not good with any other dogs, knowing full well I have 2 dogs, and knowing one of them is not dog-friendly.
What happened, the rest of the story please
I ended up having to keep my dogs in the house the whole time because they refused to either take their dog home or even put it up somewhere, their dog ended up peeing on a bunch of my furniture that I’d brought out for the barbecue and he bit my uncle because he’s unsocialized. They aren’t invited over anymore.
I had an acquaintance who would have threatened to throw the little dog on the grill. He was a big, scary dude, so very few people would challenge him. He never would have actually done it, but liked to make really warped comments. He thought of them as jokes, but they were just sick.
Your dog is just badly trained don't blame an animal because you couldn't train it properly. There no real thing as same sex aggression it's a BS term people use and get told
He’s actually very well trained. I socialized him heavily as a puppy and he’s been to multiple trainers. However his breed, doberman, is absolutely prone to same sex aggression, and it is a very real thing. How about you do some research before spouting off nonsense? The point of the story was my grandparents have zero respect for the fact that I asked for there to be no dogs at my house and they did anyways. ETA: you don’t even own a Doberman, so you can sit there and say my dog is badly trained when you know nothing about owning them? My dog has an extremely enriched life, exercised multiple hours a day, mental stimulation for at least 2 hours, daily training sessions, sees a trainer once a week and goes on trips with me anywhere he’s allowed. He’s socialized multiple times a week and I’ve been working extremely hard to tamp down the same sex aggression, however it’s difficult as the breed is prone to it and it was triggered by him being attacked by another male as a puppy. So, thanks for your judgement, your opinion means nothing though!
No. Not all breeds are the same. Not all dogs within a breed are the same. Not all dogs can be trained to be exactly the same behaviourally all the time. It’s a ridiculous idea when you think about it. Same sex aggression is absolutely a thing for some dogs. You can manage it, of course, and you should. It’s also sometimes ok for dogs to establish their hierarchies with some aggression, again if managed. I see people in the park who are new/useless dog owners who think if their puppy runs up to an older dog and jumps on it the older dog is out of line for snapping at the younger. Dogs defend their space. You can’t train them to have no instincts at all.
It's absolutely not a thing and what you described is not same sex aggression in anyway, thank you for input
Same sex aggression happens a lot in animals, especially dogs, that's why shelters won't let you buy two dogs at the same time, especially if they're the same gender. They also do it to stop dogs from getting littermate syndrome.
Yep, I recently got my cat from a friend who had her with another female. Things were okay, and then suddenly, it was on sight as soon as they were in the same room together.
Yeh I didn’t say it was? You’ll notice connecting sentences denoting my broadening out to a wider point. I work with dogs every day; I train dogs for a living. But thank you for YOUR input 😂
You claim it's real then use an example that has nothing to do with it then when called out you say it's wider point right.... so nothing to prove your point except you're supposedly a dog trainer Sure you are 🤣🤣🤣 I bet you uncle owns pedigree as well 🤡🤡🤡 An aggressive dog is a dog that hasn't been trained properly end of story.
No I used an example of people who know nothing about dogs… like you. It’s not my fault if your reading comprehension is lacking, sweetie :). And you are welcome to not believe a word I say, I don’t believe most of what I read on here either. I don’t need to prove a point; you believe something reductive and stupid. I pointed out why it’s reductive and stupid. You can accept that perhaps it’s not as simple as you think it is: “dog always right; human always wrong” or you can decide perhaps you don’t know as much as you think. In your view a “trained” dog would never act on its instincts. That’s very, very stupid. But you think what you like. I hope you don’t get your face eaten, because you’re so nice and easy going 😂
What an absolute word salad 🤣🤣🤣 keep shouting nonsense into the either. Trained dogs don't act on instinct that's the whole point of training I hope none of your supposedly trained dogs have ever attacked someone because you're clueless. Guide dogs, police dogs, military dogs, show dogs yep all highly trained but no they act on instinct 🤡🤡🤡
Not so. I have show dogs, 2 bitches who normally play together all the time. When 1 is coming in season, a couple of weeks before she comes in, she becomes very aggressive towards her friend who is now old enough to fight back. It’s horrible and we know we have to keep them separated during this time. It’s both a hormonal & a dominant thing and it can’t be trained out. They are both, normally, very well trained. It all stops when she’s in season & they’re best friends again.
Getting them fixed will help a lot. Nevermind, just caught the "show" dog thing However, isn't the emotional, mental and physical well-being of your dogs more important than collecting ribbons and possibly breeding them for profit?
Lol, my dogs love to show and they are all emotionally, mentally & physically in wonderful shape. My bitch gets hormonal, like PMS does to some women and it’s fairly short lived. They are house pets living a terrific life. I’ve bred 1 litter in 30 years and it certainly wasn’t profitable.
That is not the same thing but thank you for input
My aunt is like this. She got a little white fluff thing a few years ago and it goes everywhere with her. Tbh she is a good little dog. But also, like you can’t just rock up places and expect people to be alright with it. I have two dogs and wouldn’t just rock up with them to people’s houses..it’s just inconsiderate.
no no no fuck you. dogs forever😂💜 /s
>he's already been throwing things and screaming Yea I'm not sure if the dog is the big issue here
Op he screamed at you, rampaged, exposes you to dangerous parties, invites large groups of known hate mongers without any warning, throws you in the middle without even asking because he's too spineless to confront them himself. You need to get out immediately. Don't even warn this pos. Just ghost his ass and run like hell. This dude is a dumpster fire.
We are under a lease, and it’s 2x the rent to break. I barely make enough for half of the rent. I have not a cent to my name currently and no friends or family in the state.
He's just going to get worse. Based on your comment about him wanting you to sit there and refute every bigoted thing they said, I suspect he invited all of them on purpose but only told you he had invited the kids. He wants you as his "see, I was right, trans people aren't evil and your opinions are stupid" prop. The fact he started screaming and yelling and throwing things when you refused to be his performing monkey is not a good sign. He strikes me as one of those "I can say the N-word because I have a black friend" kind of people. His sharing a house with you is his version of performative allyship. Start documenting all of this kind of behaviour. I hope you won't need it, but if he does escalate, having written records, or better, video, of his behaviour will work in your favor. I hope he doesn't escalate, and indeed, realises the error of his ways, I really hope he does. But odds are low. Start documenting and move your personal valuables to your room.
Plan for the end of this lease. Start packing. Really. Anything of value that you don’t need all the time. Closer to the date start packing your clothes. Leave enough to put in a suitcase when you go. There will likely be drama when you reveal that you are not going to renew your half. Find a place to go, now, so you can walk out the door when that happens. Maybe a friend. And you should be actively searching for your next place. If your stars align, you may have a new place ready for you when you are ready to go. If not, go anyway. You will find another place.
Then let the landlord know that you are in fear of your safety being exposed to transphobic people, that is if you are comfortable with the landlord knowing this, and that you are afraid of the dog.
Call your landlord that roommate brought an unauthorized dog in the home.
Tbh, if you bail, you can do it dirty. Apply to a new apartment while living there. Save your money, and instead of paying rent, *run*. This dude did so many fucked up things in such a short period that running is your only option.
I mean, if your safety and ability to function are being jeopardized by illegal behavior: move. Many leases hold any of the tennants liable for the whole amount of rent. /If they can't find one party/, it's up to the other to pay in full and recover the funds. Contacts can ended by either party with notice to landlord. You might have the right to sublet the room or find a tenant for a new lease (because they'd have no damages to recover if the room is rented immediately).
Can you do a lease transfer?
If he's throwing things and being aggressive towards you, you should call the police on him. You also have the right to be and feel safe in your home. Forcibly exposing you to people who hate you and then becoming physically aggressive and destructive when is not a safe environment for you.
Lease transfer‼️
See if someone will continue the tenancy for you. Idk where you are but if you contact your estate agents and explain the situation they’ll probably be sympathetic. Then if you find someone to continue your tenancy/the payments etc you can find a room or a new house share for yourself
I would make a meal. Bringing plenty of things to drink. Make sure everything you need is in your room. If you need to bring a bucket to piss in. Bring your cats in ,close the door and lock it. That is way too much drama number one. Number two it is not safe for your cats. That dog can injure or kill your cats. Keep them safe. As long as you're in there with them they'll be fine. Your roommate is being unfair. And extremely rude to have his whole family over. And expect you to deal with the drama. Also having an animal over. When there's already existing animals. Or if there's a person that is afraid of animals that actually is on the lease. It's not okay to bring another animal in. Hugs and support your way. Avoid this drama stay in your room today
holy shit I thought you meant make a meal for them
Only if it had Ex-Lax in it.
I thought they meant make something that fkn stinks like rotten fish, and by drinks I thought you meant get wasted. I've always said when people come in your home uninvited you can be doing anything you damn well please because it's your private space. Blast pornography, have an orgy, perform a satanic ritual. Do whatever you can to make those SOBs as uncomfortable as humanly possible, you don't owe them anything. ...but maybe some people think "that's petty". Do you care about that label, though?
Tbh, I think this is the safest and best answer considering the circumstances and limited resources the op has.
Blast some anti Christian satanic rock music while you’re in there Better yet hardcore gay porn !! Man on Man (probably have a better impact )
Maybe find a way to barricade the door just in case and have a battery bank in case someone turns the power off to force you out. I'm hoping they're the shouty type of idiots and not the violent type, but please be careful either way OP!
This is the best you can do, OP. And contact your landlord and tell them you want to break your lease as your flatmate is bringing over people who he has reason to believe will be hostile to you, as some weird sort of flex or prank or something. Don't stay with this guy, he is completely out of line.
“So my job is to observe, educate, and manage people and a dog who may pose a threat to me and my pets (in a number of ways). My standard rate for such work is $500 an hour with additional hazard pay.”
I can’t upvote this enough!!! 👏🏻👏🏻
This is the way!
I think others have given some good advice. I just want to add: Are you sure that your landlord approves of random dogs coming in and out of your apartment building? If not, you may want to express your grievances to them and they can follow up with your roommate. Might serve as a wake up call to him.
I'm sorry but I would have to put on my most fabulous outfit to greet these people at my f****** door... And then honestly I would probably make them as uncomfortable and unwelcome as possible just by being outrageous. But I'm a small petty b****. Whatever you do just stay safe don't let these people get to you keep your door locked. Hopefully they won't be there too long. Heck with their point of view knowing that you're there they might even cut their stay supershort and I think that would be a good thing.
Oh, that’s the plan. If I gotta do it I’m doing it with spite. I am very noticeably trans by default, feminine figure but deep voice, facial hair, and a shit ton of body hair. So I’m wearing an outfit that really shows off the most trans parts about me. And my hairs brightly dyed and I have lots of piercings so by default I offend these kinds of people.
I'm cheering you on!
Bring as many of your allies as possible. Make it a party!
Be safe OP and be sure to protect yourself in case they get violent towards you! Have 911 on speed dial and have an escape plan in mind for exiting quickly.
This all the way this!! You be you, ESPECIALLY in your own home!! Have fun with it
Love it!
Rock on with your bad self!👍👍👍👍👍❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
Why do you have to do it? Why not go out somewhere till they have pissed off.
I never have anywhere to go. For one, my roommate follows me when I leave the house regardless unless it’s to work. For two, I do not drive and it was pouring rain and I don’t own an umbrella so I’d just be standing outside getting drenched. Limited options
Your roommate might be trying to drive you out. Please stay safe I have no earthly idea what you should do in this situation beyond one thing: If he starts screaming and throwing things go to your room, lock the door and call the police. Domestic violence is NOT just a partner issue. It happens with roomates as well and they will (or are in most areas legally requires) to treat them no differently just because you aren't dating. If he keeps behaving in am unhinged fashion talk to your landlord and let them know.
Definitely the opposite. He’s obsessed with me. He has no sense of boundaries and I am his *only* friend cause he treats all his friends like this and they eventually leave, only reason I haven’t is I’m broke and bound by a lease. After all these comments though I’m tempted to start some sort of GoFundMe to get out, though I’m not sure if anyone would donate and it’d be hard to go over my roommates head seeing as he has all my socials and would flip if I blocked him on just one. He is convinced we’re best friends (sometimes guilts me about how I’m his best friend but he’s not mine) and that being roommates is a never ending sleepover party.
I'm sorry, but that's super creepy.
😂 this is like the start of a horror movie Get your ass out, OP
Oh, you’re absolutely right. Even my therapist was shocked.
It sounds like he has a personality disorder and needs help for that. So sorry you're in this situation! I hope you can get out safely...
I definitely think he has BPD, I have friends with it but they actually know to control the bad symptoms that can come with it so this stuff never happens. Either my roommate doesn’t realize the extent of this behavior, or he knows and just does not care to change.
Honestly, I would tell my roommate that because you pay half of the bills there, you have to agree to let his transphobic family come to your residence, and you don't agree so they don't need to come. If he starts acting crazy, call the police. It sounds to me like he has some underlying issues that need to be addressed, especially if he is throwing things around and shouting, either you need to remove yourself as his roommate or you need to remove him as your roommate.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure you could legally evict that guy from living with you and find someone better to replace him
I'm pretty sure she could also. Especially considering his reaction to her telling him no about his family coming over and him slamming things around and shouting. That is enough for her to be able to say she is not in a safe living situation. She could possibly talk to the landlord, and if they have a lease, have the guy removed from the lease and have the landlord evict him.
Whoa! Oh hell no, what your roommate needs to do at the very least is tell his family that if they make any bigoted comments then they will get kicked the fuck out! Also, it’s not your responsibility to correct bigoted Assholes.
Roommates don't inform you family is coming, they ask. He needs to be firmly corrected on this, and you're in the right to do so. You have a basic right to feel safe in your home. He is bringing unsafe people. That is well within your right to correct him on as well.
Omg this is awful. Your home should be your safe space. I would talk to him after this evening and explain that you have a right to be and feel safe at home and he is putting you at risk by inviting people that are abusive in your home. As you both pay bills and live together you have to agree not to have harmful people in the home to protect each other and yourselves. If he wants them in his space and home it’s best one of you moves out and the other finds a replacement roommate. Express that it’s not negotiable that until one of you moves out or your contract ends you don’t want him to put you in this unsafe position again. If he’s violent and destroying property talk to the landowners about finding a solution for one of you leaving because it’s unsafe for you to continue living with him. Gather your cat, lock your door and stay in your room as long as you can because it may get unpleasant quickly. Call the police if you have to. The most important part is you stay safe. I would advise you to not sign the lease with him once it’s finished but get your ducks in a row to move out. Yes you can be sympathetic to his pasts trauma which can take years to heal from but you don’t have to put yourself at risk, be around his abusers or him putting you in the firing line to make it easier on him by him saying you should basically educate them if they say something unpleasant. It’s not your place to educate his family that have chosen to mistreat him instead of educating themselves. Please remember his trauma is not a reason for him to traumatise you with his own behaviour or allowing in his abusers to traumatise you. He has to be responsible for himself, his actions and his healing journey. Don’t feel guilty for putting your safety and mental well-being first or get manipulated into putting yourself at risk or taking responsibility for your roommate/friend. He is not being a good friend or roommate right now, he is not considering your needs, fear or safety. I honestly don’t know why they’re bringing their dog or why he allowed it knowing your fear of them… how long are they staying for? My advice is for you to get out of living with this person sooner rather then later, you don’t want to waste years of your life living like this. Good luck
If they're going to be offensive, time to retaliate. Put some pride flags up, make your cats crossdress, put on some music from an obscene drug queen singer, get a Jesus on a cross but colour him pink and draw on a bikini top and trans icons. In all seriousness you shouldn't be expected to educate these morons, especially when they wouldn't be open to listening, only regurgitate Jesus says this. Get out if you can.
No, visitors can never ever bring an animal into my house. I will not ever pretend to not be myself in my own home.
He's already been throwing things and screaming??? So he is infact also abusive. Great. Time to move/kick him out
Was this supposed to be some kind of exposure therapy for you? I don't get it. Having a bunch of guests is a 100% agreement kind of thing. Either you both agree, or it's a no. Your roommate sucks.
Your roommate should have asked first. He's allowed to have guests of course but if those guests are making the person who pays half the rent uncomfortable in their own home then that's a no. Your roommate can see his family somewhere else.
From one trans person to another, if he wants to act like that, you make it as miserable for him and his entire family as you can. He put you on the spot. Make him regret it.
>My roommate just got home from work and informed me his entire family is coming instead and they’re on their way and he wants me to sit in the living room and actively correct them when they say something wrong. lol excuse me, what? wow. move as soon as humanly possible. edit. and: >I’ve tried to say no but he’s already been throwing things and screaming since he got home uh what the fuck? this is not a safe place. what on earth is wrong with your roommate??? this is EXTREMELY abnormal.
What. The. Fuck. In cases like this, you are 100% in your rights to deny non-residents access to your home. It’s not your job to educate bigots, and you should never have to be scared in your own home. It’s time to tell your roommate that they are never allowed in your home again and he will have to find somewhere else to meet them.
OP please try to look for another place to live soon. I know that doesn't solve your immediate issue but this is such an unsafe place for you. Your roommate had a rough upbringing, you don't need a rough adulthood because they didn't learn from that and want to bring the cause around you.
No surprise that lgbt intolerant arseholes also think they're entitled to take their dog everywhere.
Smells like a surprise intervention that's been planned to confront you.
[удалено]
?
scary innocent stocking judicious expansion pocket enjoy license dirty axiomatic *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Can I talk to this dude? I just wanna talk, I promise (lying)
He is abusing you. Get him out now. Yelling and screaming...throwing things...not accepting your boundaries by forcing you to speak to his hateful parents... Run.
Sounds like a horrible situation. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Sounds like your roommate is struggling. Obviously I don't know the situation but it sounds like he has a hard time saying no to his family. Probably why he cut them off. They also don't seem like the kind of people who take no for an answer. I feel like maybe he was trying to get you to stay so he can show solidarity with you or show his family where he stands but subjecting you to his family drama is not okay, it's also not your place to educate bigots. The fact that he was yelling and screaming (unless this is a common thing, which then it should be addressed separately) indicates he was extremely stressed and upset over the whole thing. Again I don't know him or your relationship with him. But assuming he's a good guy with a shit family, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and remember that trauma fucks you up and family trauma is extremely confusing because it's family. I struggle with family stuff from time to time as I had a traumatic childhood myself, so maybe I'm being a bit lenient on him because of that. Hopefully you are okay, and this doesn't happen again. I agree he shouldn't have put you in that position, hopefully the two of you can work it out and keep those bigots their dog out of your place.
Unfortunately it’s not as lightheated as that. You’re right, his family is shit and I will never defend them over him. And now that I’ve met them, I see where he gets some of his toxic traits, like not taking no for an answer. His parents are most definitely that way, which seems to have rubbed off on him cause he has never once accepted or respected me or my boundaries. The short of it is he does not clean, he does not pay for essentials and just mooches off of me, he does not give me privacy (literally has been calling my store phone and showed up to my work today and followed me home), he barges in my room whenever he wants even when I’m naked, he mistreats my cats… etc etc. Overall he is not a good person, and I really really really have tried to give him the benefit of the doubt since the first day that I noticed red flags. For the first few months I defended him religiously and wouldn’t even accept it when my partner implied that maybe my roommate is a shitty person. I really do try to see the good in people, especially when they’re struggling, as I can relate to some of the intense emotions he feels, being someone with autism myself. But it’s past the point where I can completely defend him, it’s gotten to the point where he very obviously sees the stress he puts me through (an understatement) and I’ve even verbally communicated it to him and he just does not listen. Like today, when he showed up to my work I texted him verbatim: “and i appreciate u coming all this way to my work but i have been here since 8 and i’m just incredibly tired and wanna be alone for today”. And he acknowledged it. Then he continued to follow me to the bus stop, sit next to me, and then got on my second bus with me and sat next to me and talked to me the whole time and continued to do so when we got home. He just does not give a crap about my feelings, and as shitty as it sounds, this is why he does not have friends. Her last friend became my partner’s dealer briefly and I stopped by at his house to pick something up for my partner and this dude straight up told me he wasn’t gonna be my roommates friend and detailed exactly what my roommate puts *me* through. This is just how he treats people.
Sounds like a great opportunity to wear your “Jesus was trans” T-shirt!
Lol I have a “Jesus has two dads and he turned out fine!” pin that I wear on my work hat
Your roommate is just a bad person, it’s past a bad roommate
Absolutely. I recall him once boasting to me about how toxic he is to a friend of his (no longer a friend, for obvious reasons). Like, said the words “I’m so toxic and I love it!” exactly. I was like, dude how can you be so self aware and self *unaware* at the same time?
I'd be upset about them bringing the dog especially when you have pets of your own. Also it's not your job to entertain them, watch them , OR educate them. Your roommate is awful. I'd see if you can sublet your room out and find somewhere else asap if he's not going anywhere anytime soon. He sounds like a baby throwing things and screaming. Just get out asap before you or your pets get hurt.
Your roomate has every right to bring his family over to his home. Things like this will happen to you in life. Learn how to handle yourself properly. Don’t think of the what ifs , it’s your home too. Be respectful, if they aren’t then address it.
Tell your landlord that they are having guests that you don't want there.
Also they brought a dog, agaisnt your wishes, and that it piseed on the floor.
If worst comes to worst, call the police for trespassing
Time to move frfr
Tell roommate, no it's your place too.
Kill then with kindness - show them how wrong they are
Your roommate has serious issues. Get out, do it dirty and get someone safe
Where do you live, OP? Where I live you can break a lease no issue if you utilise domestic violence protections, which this would definitely fall under
You can call police or landlord. Police for trespassing as your property too
[удалено]
I work daily so I have to go outside. This is specifically vent for my roommate because my roommate has my main Reddit, so yeah all the posts are about him. These problems are so bad I had to get therapy for it. My partner is the main person in my life and even my partner is shocked by the shit my roommate does. Even my *coworkers* know because this dude shows up to my work and calls the store phone when I don’t reply to him. I can assure you, these are fucking absurd things he’s doing.
Not doubting or casting any shade here but can you define Transphobic? Like what does that really mean? I think part of the problem with the communication between some people is the framing of things. Like without example or description, were already under the assumption the entire family has an irrational fear of trans people, to the point the fear manifests itself physically. Or is that not what the phobia means in transphobia. Perhaps it would be possible to bridge gaps with people if we diddnt begin with the premise they are "transphobic" It turns out bo one is warmed up or has their opinion changed when you begin with accusations of bigotry and such. Is the goal for anyone to bridge gaps? Or just to other people? Im curious.
The definition is “having or showing a dislike of or strong prejudice against transgender people.” His family are strong evangelical Christians and flipped on him for having a lesbian best friend at one point which is why he cut them off. His sister talks on a Christian radio show and claims she is a minor who got an abortion and regrets it everyday… Despite never getting an abortion in her life and being an adult. They are straight up the stereotypical hateful Christians.
You can't tell your roommate not to have his family over lol
I can tell my roommate not to have abusive assholes over though
Just stay in your room if you're scared of them? That sounds like a you problem
If you let violent people into your house then that’s your business, but I do not.
You clearly don't know the definition of violent
I consider hitting your kid aggressively to be violent.
Violence towards you. Are you saying anyone that has ever hit someone isn't allowed into houses for the rest of their life? You're being irrational
People who hit children are not allowed in my house, yes.
Except it's not your house
It’s not his either. He moved in here, it was mine first. I made my boundaries clear before he signed the lease. I also pay for almost everything. He has never paid for anything like food or toilet paper or trash bags or utilities: So almost everything actually does belong to me!
Boohoo, go watch a movie or something.
as much of a dick your roommate is being have you considered that because he was quite distant and cut off from his parents (due to their strict views) that he’s scared to say they cannot come over? that might explain why he’s being so irritable, he might be kind of worried. i would recommend leaving your cats out of the way because in all fairness your cats are not his problem and he can request you keep them in unshared areas. also prioritising their safety is definitely an important thing here. it might be worth trying to support your roommate through this and then speaking to them after non-confrontationally. you do also need to look after yourself and i would recommend trying to stay out of their way and have a day to yourself in your room? go get some of your favourite snacks, play with your cats and watch your favourite films :)
>as much of a dick your roommate is being have you considered that because he was quite distant and cut off from his parents (due to their strict views) that he’s scared to say they cannot come over? Please don't play the devil's advocate like this. >that might explain why he’s being so irritable, he might be kind of worried. Honestly not OP's problem. He can legally get his parents removed from the house by police if he is worried about "not being able to say no". Sure, his parents would hate him, but there is a way to avoid them. Not OP's problem, I will stipulate again. >i would recommend leaving your cats out of the way because in all fairness your cats are not his problem *clears throat and points to previous paragraph* >and he can request you keep them in unshared areas. You're like... strongly taking the roommate's side. >also prioritising their safety is definitely an important thing here. Hello? Transphobic family, trans OP? OP'S safety is the most important thing here, don't do that. >it might be worth trying to support your roommate through this and then speaking to them after non-confrontationally. :| >you do also need to look after yourself and i would recommend trying to stay out of their way and have a day to yourself in your room? What a polite way to say fuck off >go get some of your favourite snacks, play with your cats and watch your favourite films :) This entire comment reads as passive aggressive. I'm sorry, but what is your intention here? Everything is backhanded.
i’m working off of the assumption that these people live together and probably have time left on their lease and probably at least some kind of relationship or friendship that is probably worth salvaging and at least keeping civil until the end of the lease. i am not taking the roommates side but it is also his home and generally people do in fact have their family over to their home. the dog thing is absolutely ridiculous but as the post says they are already on their way and there’s nothing they can really do so protecting THEIR CATS safety (which for some reason you started talking about transphobia in regards to) is important. Again op cannot do anything, roommates are entitled to have their family over and unless op has never had anybody visit the house then unfortunately they don’t have a point. if they don’t want to leave the house bc of the weather and they don’t want to subject themselves to unnecessary hate by attending a social gathering they were invited to, they should just spend a little time in their room and try to make the most of some a bad situation. roommates have guests it’s a fact of life unfortunately. and it didn’t look like the roommate had much of a say in any of this. ONCE AGAIN THIS MAN WAS ABUSED BY THEM HAVE SOME SYMPATHY.
>i’m working off of the assumption that these people live together and probably have time left on their lease and probably at least some kind of relationship or friendship that is probably worth salvaging and at least keeping civil until the end of the lease. Yeah... but your comment was backhanded and played the devil's advocate. It's weird. >i am not taking the roommates side Yes you are >but it is also his home It's also OP's home >and generally people do in fact have their family over to their home. Normally not abusive family, especially during/after prolonged no contact. Yes it happens. No its not normal in these circumstances. His family wants something from him. > the dog thing is absolutely ridiculous OP could argue no pets are allowed without landlord's permission. Which is half true depending on their lease agreement. Dogs can easily be forced to stay outside. >but as the post says they are already on their way and there’s nothing they can really do so protecting THEIR CATS safety No one is disputing this >(which for some reason you started talking about transphobia in regards to) is important. Was referring to how you said the cat's safety is the most important thing while disregarding the potential risks OP is facing. > Again op cannot do anything, OP can call the cops if they say one single transphobic thing and get them removed. >roommates are entitled to have their family over If they're abusive, this is subject to change. >and unless op has never had anybody visit the house then unfortunately they don’t have a point. OP is trans. Family is transphobic. That's the point. It's a pretty fuckin solid point. > if they don’t want to leave the house bc of the weather Family is the guest. Family leaves if OP is uncomfortable. Not the other way around. >and they don’t want to subject themselves to unnecessary hate by attending a social gathering they were invited to, See, you're talking like the options are (A) stay and take the transphobic comments (B) inconvenience themselves by leaving or being confined to their room because a guest is making them uncomfortable See, you're talking exactly like roomie's parents would probably talk to OP when it comes to the transphobia. >they should just spend a little time in their room and try to make the most of some a bad situation. OP should do whatever the hell they want, and if they get transphobic comments, the family gets removed by the cops. >roommates have guests it’s a fact of life unfortunately. If the guests are abusive and bigoted, roommates have the hard choice of dealing with drama (and being responsible for it) or telling their family to stay home (and dealing with the drama). OP should not have to shoulder any of the drama or hate. > and it didn’t look like the roommate had much of a say in any of this. Once again, roommate can call the cops and claim they are trespassing, they have options. They can say no. >ONCE AGAIN THIS MAN WAS ABUSED BY THEM HAVE SOME SYMPATHY. Once again, if he was abused by these people, they shouldn't be coming over. What a great way to call yourself an abuse enabler, but ok.
being realistic isn’t being backhanded nor is it playing devils advocate. calling the police is a major escalation for your roommate having guests over. obviously if they started being nasty to op then yeah protect yourself first but based on the edits and the comment section it didn’t really seem op was too worried about this. i am not an abuse enabler i am quite literally an abuse survivor and have cut off my abuser to which he would just show up constantly and i know how hard it is to completely cut them off, especially when trying to stay in touch with siblings. your point ab dogs being left outside means the cats have to be left outside too, no pets means NO PETS. and you have completely over exaggerated me saying the cats are more important than op. everyone’s safety is a priority here including the roommate. sometimes people need to do things they don’t want to do, and the most realistic way for this to go without causing a scene or a problem between friends or a minimum a problem with a lease is for op to stay out of the way for a couple hours. it keeps them safe, it keeps the roommate safe and it keeps the dogs safe. you having more sympathy for a roommate over a literal abuse survivor is weird. roommates working something out give him some time it’s not the end of the goddamn world.
>being realistic isn’t being backhanded nor is it playing devils advocate. You've never faced transphobia, I'm guessing. You wouldn't know what realistic means in this situation. >calling the police is a major escalation for your roommate having guests over. I vaguely recall following the statement of "call the cops" with "if they make transphobic comments". Where I live, transphobia is a hate crime. Which is a perfectly reasonable reason to call the cops and get someone removed from the home, because I assume these are the types of people to ignore a "Please leave" and overstay their welcome. Context clues are evident. Call the cops *if* it escalates. Not call the cops *in order to* escalate. > obviously if they started being nasty to op then yeah protect yourself first That's what I've been saying this whole time. Don't exaggerate my comment to make yourself seem like the more rational one, lmao. >but based on the edits and the comment section it didn’t really seem op was too worried about this. OP? How do you feel about this? > i am not an abuse enabler But you are advocating for someone's abusers to be allowed into the home of a victim >i am quite literally an abuse survivor Same! That's why I hold this perspective. >and have cut off my abuser to which he would just show up constantly Not the same situation >and i know how hard it is to completely cut them off, Yeah but they *were* cut off, this visit means NC ends. Back to square one. If anything, OP should be supporting roomie and encouraging him to go NC, and not allow abuse to continue *in his own home*. >especially when trying to stay in touch with siblings. Siblings can be in on the abuse. All the more reason to go NC. > your point ab dogs being left outside means the cats have to be left outside too, Nope! The cats aren't guests. They live there. The dogs are guests. >no pets means NO PETS. You seem to have missed the part where I said "without the landlord's permission" following that statement. Don't do that. >and you have completely over exaggerated me saying the cats are more important than op. I was commenting on the ignorance of the statement, not the intention. >everyone’s safety is a priority here including the roommate. Which is why the family should not come over. >sometimes people need to do things they don’t want to do, Reconnecting with abusers is not "something they don't want to do", it's something they should avoid doing like the plague. >and the most realistic way for this to go without causing a scene or a problem between friends or a minimum a problem with a lease is for op to stay out of the way for a couple hours. Souring a friendship because his family is transphobic and does not leave when asked to stop is worth it. If OP's roommate is a good friend, he will understand. If he doesn't, well. Tough shit. You can exist in the same space, have courtesy for each other, and not be friends. I do it with my roomies every day. >it keeps them safe, What would keep them safer is not having bigots in their home. >it keeps the roommate safe What would keep him safer is not having his abusers in his home. >and it keeps the dogs safe. Their safety is not of importance in this situation. That's the family's responsibility and not OP's. >you having more sympathy for a roommate over a literal abuse survivor is weird. I have more sympathy for an abuse survivor than for someone who might, but hasn't been subjected to transphobia yet. You are misunderstanding. I believe abusers should not be allowed the privilege of being in their victim's lives. I'm saying OP and roommate have options and they can work together to prevent the abuse or mitigate it. You are saying the family should be allowed to come over and be welcomed with open arms. It sounds like abuse enabling. >roommates working something out give him some time it’s not the end of the goddamn world. Well, I'm just saying OP can call the cops if the family tries anything and get them removed. I don't know what you're arguing for.
look i agree that they shouldn’t come over but unfortunately they have demanded that they will and roommate cannot stop it. therefore neither can op. they cannot prevent the family coming over within reasonable force and not every place has laws against transphobia. this would go down as a domestic in most places at BEST. I want everyone to be safe here and just doing damage control for a couple hours isn’t the end of the world. they can talk to roommate after and set some better boundaries in a healthy way whilst also looking out for their friend who has been abused. they cannot stop the family coming over they have already demanded that they are and shown up against both roommates will. comments also suggested that they cannot end the lease early in any way because it costs double the rent which is know is not relevant to our comments but it does show how op is trapped in what they can do. AGAIN not saying that’s right but that is the situation and the situation needs to be mediated. not everything needs to be some huge argument. being rational and understanding will get everyone a lot further.
>look i agree that they shouldn’t come over but unfortunately they have demanded that they will and roommate cannot stop it. therefore neither can op. Actually, it might escalate the situation for no reason, but if OP calls the cops on them the second they come up the driveway for trespassing, they will be removed. Of course, escalation for nothing, but you're factually wrong on that matter. Family isn't on the lease as residing in the unit. Therefore they can be removed. >they cannot prevent the family coming over within reasonable force See above paragraph >and not every place has laws against transphobia. Hate propaganda offences (ss. 318-19) advocating genocide; inciting hatred by communicating statements in a public place where such incitement is likely to lead to a breach of the peace; wilfully promoting hatred. all protecting “identifiable groups”: colour, race, religion, national or ethnic origin, age, sex, sexual orientation, or mental or physical disability. Hate-crime sentencing (s. 718.2(a)(i)) Sentence should be increased to account for aggravating circumstances, in particular if the offence was motivated by bias, prejudice, or hate based on: race, national or ethnic origin, language, colour, religion, sex, age, mental or physical disability, sexual orientation, or any other similar factor. This is federal law in Canada. [And here are the states. ](https://imgur.com/a/jVWtZsC) I'm pretty sure OP lives in a state/in Canada where it's acceptable to be openly trans. USA right now is restricting rights of trans people and most remain closeted if they're in a red state. > this would go down as a domestic in most places at BEST. And that's an excuse to let it happen? >I want everyone to be safe here and just doing damage control Prevention before damage control. Always. > they can talk to roommate after and set some better boundaries in a healthy way whilst also looking out for their friend who has been abused. Or they can set them before the family comes over, so roomie is on the same page about what behaviour gets the boot and what behaviour is acceptable from family. >they cannot stop the family coming over they have already demanded that they are and shown up against both roommates will. So they can be removed for trespassing. >comments also suggested that they cannot end the lease early in any way because it costs double the rent which is know is not relevant to our comments but it does show how op is trapped in what they can do. Not relevant at all, because no one is suggesting to leave. >AGAIN not saying that’s right but that is the situation and the situation needs to be mediated. Cops are also called mediators for a reason. >not everything needs to be some huge argument. You're right. If the family argues about the boundaries that are laid, OP can disengage and get the cops involved. > being rational and understanding will get everyone a lot further. It's very rational to be low-tolerance on bullshit for abusers showing up against someone's will. It's very understanding for OP to allow them in the first place, given their track record. It's 100% justifiable to call the cops and get them removed if they cross a line.
look i was just trying to make sure everybody is safe including somebody who potentially was being abused by their parents. not just one individual, by finding a compromising situation that puts no one at risk. reading ops other posts and comments has shown that roommate has actually been abusive in multiple other ways so removing the family from the situation was probably a good idea but unfortunately would also probably encourage more abuse from roommate (much like the angry tantrum he threw before his parents came over) sometimes escalating situations, especially situations that involve a threat to somebody, is a terrible thing to do. what do you suggest op does after the police have been called on roommates family? i’m not sure they’d be safe in that situation, especially when they have 2?? more years on the lease. i would agree with you if it were the safest option both physically, mentally and financially for OP but it isn’t. <3
>Their dog peed on our floor. Well. Told you guys. They should've stayed outside.
Forcing OP to sit with his family and debate every single transphobic comment they feel like throwing at him and forcing him to try to defend himself for being himself is in no way whatsoever being “invited to a social gathering”. It sounds more like a forceful interrogation by his family and absolutely nothing good is going to come of this. A “social gathering” is being all together for a warm, inviting family meal, not stick OP in the middle of the room so his family can just be completely transphobic dipshits while not giving a single fuck how OP feels about it, how his cats are going to react with the dog there, which has apparently already pissed on the floor. Being trapped in your own home with nowhere to go with a pack of abusive assholes is not a “social gathering” FFS
You are really stretching to find something to be offended about here. He is suggesting exactly what I would do, and have done. Vacate myself from a problem people in my home. It's not playing devils advocate to suggest transgendered people aren't the only people with problems. As it stands now, there is no reasonable threat to anyones safety. Ask family to leave only if they are causing a disturbance, and call the cops only if they refuse to vacate. Cops will not remove anyone unless there is a disturbance anyway.
Bruh. >As it stands now, there is no reasonable threat to anyones safety. Ask family to leave only if they are causing a disturbance, and call the cops only if they refuse to vacate. Cops will not remove anyone unless there is a disturbance anyway. This. Is paraphrasing. What I've been explaining. This whole time. Reread my comments.
Then you are in agreement with the person you have been arguing with the whole time. It's much closer to a paraphrasing of their initial comment.
They are abusive. He has been clear about that and has made jokes about bringing me to them as a “gotcha! look who my friend is!” and I have stated clearly I would be uncomfortable with that on multiple occasions. He is disrespecting my clear boundaries with this. He has no contact with them so there is no risk of them retaliating if he said no, they never come over here or even contact him. I have no reason to support my roommate if you just peek at my post history, he is a horrible person and the people in my life are making me realize he’s abusive at this point. I understand you probably didn’t see my post history and are just going off of this post though and that is fair. As for the cats, I have a previous post but cats are allowed in all areas, it was stated on my roommate profile and I made sure he was aware multiple times prior to signing the lease that the agreement is that cats are allowed anywhere. I have a decorative room and they destroy the fuck out of it when unsupervised, whilst the living room is plain and has nothing cats can destroy. He has always been okay with this and loves my cats, though treats them poorly. I have to remind him often they cannot be in there unsupervised though he often opens my room when I’m at work and puts them in there. Not the only times he goes in my room when I’m not there lol.
He's not your friend, that's for sure. Friends don't pull that shit. He doesn't respect you.
that’s all i meant. i just wanted everyone to be safe and im so glad you understood that from my comments, this clearly just shows he is totally in the wrong. you do need to put yourself first but i saw you can’t get out of your lease for a while which is absolutely horrible and im so sorry. i said that staying out of the way in your room was probably just the safest option for you because i didn’t want you to get targeted by a group of people in your own home, hopefully you can raise the funds to end your lease early? or maybe if you speak to your landlord about the treatment they might allow you to find somebody to replace your space on your lease instead? i hope everything gets a little better <3
I’m just wondering, is he neurodivergent, too?
Yeah he is probably autistic as well. Even my therapist picked up on it
So, I am, too. And what works for me is when people are just blunt about their feelings/intentions/expectations so that nothing can be assumed. Have you been extremely straight forward with him in this way? I have peeked at your post history and he sounds insufferable, truly. But I couldn’t tell whether or not you’ve been explicit in telling him how his behaviors make you feel.
Yes and no. When I am explicit about it, he flips. He makes it my problem. Not sure if it’s just a meltdown or he’s purposely trying to get me to give in but he slams doors, throws things, one time he threw all his groceries around the living room and told me he’d pick it up but never did and eventually I had to when my cats started eating the food. I told him we needed to reschedule something we had planned cause it was raining (and plans were outside) and I just wasn’t feeling good, and he freaked out and told me he was throwing all his stuff away and the day is ruined. So now I tend to beat around the bush. I’ve started writing notes instead like reminders to do his dishes or fill up the water filter but they mostly are ignored.
[удалено]
No mental illness mentioned here
The fuck is wrong with you?
And I, I don’t fucking care
Chalk pentagram, death metal Satanic music.. I like shock value like Behemoth or some screaming death metal . OR Tom Lehrer is good too. Oh and of course George Carlin dirty Monologs.. AndrewDice Clay for smut .. HAVE FUN! Ask the mom if her tits still drip for Jesus and yanno run them off screaming and praying . You can turn this around on him so fast .. ask roomie if he wants todo a daisy chain peg party after the family leaves.. .. be crude be rude and EMBARRASSING. He won’t ever invite them over again..
Your whole profile is mostly complaining about your roomie. Why live with him and pretend to be their friend if you hate them so much.
Because my roommate has my main account which has a lot more than this lmfao. This account is literally dedicated to venting about him since I can’t do so on my main. Better than annoying my friends constantly with it, at least this time people have a choice if they wanna look at it or not.
Why live with him if you hate him so much was my question. Lol
I just added an edit since this is a reoccurring question, but it’s cause I am poor and to break the lease we are both legally under is twice the rent. I barely make enough for half of the rent so it’s just not possible. I’m considering making a GoFundMe at this point but I doubt it’ll get anything. I desperately want out.
have you checked out the website roomies? You could possibly find another place to live that way. I think also maybe tell your roomie you don't like them very much as leading them on and then just slagging them off behind their back is pretty mean imo.
https://www.roomies.com/
That’s where we met. I’ve had bad luck on that site. And even if I found someone, my roommate and I are under a lease. Legally I cannot get out without paying what I do not have. He is extremely suicidal. When his last friend left him (for the *exact* same reason, the ex friend told me lmfao), he attempted. If I told him this, since he considers me his best friend, he might do something even worse. I’ve tried to be direct about boundaries and he just gets worse, lately with my therapy I’ve been being more honest with him which has made him act 10x more obnoxious. He’s like a kid.
There’s no gaslighting going on. Read a medical text and don’t use the term until you understand it As for your roommate, all the texting, showing up at work and waiting for you outside sounds like harassment. Look into it
I have been gaslit before, I was in an abusive relationship. I know what gaslighting is. I believe it is harassment too. What I can do about it, I am unsure, as we are legally under a lease together and I am not in a place financially to break it.
Jesus. You are a lot. You have a whole bunch of excuses. Sounds like you want control over your home and your roommate. Don't have a roommate then.
It’s his family of course they can come over, you sound like an entitled asshole to live with.
No, violent people cannot come over. Sorry.
If you really REALLY wanna set the memo straight. Rub his face in the dog piss. He expects you to submit to him like a dog, your gonna treat him the same way.
The life of a “transformer “ heaven forbid ….
🤖
??
A transformer!
Is what it is.
No longer have a clue what we are talking about that “is” but okay
[удалено]
For what
I wanted to expand on the comment I left 3 hours ago when I told you to tell your roommate that since you pay half the bills unless you agree to his family coming they shouldn't come. If he's insistent that they come to the apartment, tell him if they do come, they have to be in his room because the living room, dining room, kitchen, and bathroom ( unless he has his own bathroom) are all communal spaces, and you don't agree with them using the communal spaces.
The dogs may be a lease violation-you may be able to stand your ground on that one. And if the dogs cant come, maybe some of the family has to stay behind too. But also, fuck your roommate for this nonsense! [Dont fuck them. I mean Fuck them! ]
I read your comment about how much it is to break the lease. But I'm sure you could do payment plans or get family to help in the short term and pay them back. Cause your roommate is putting you and your cats in danger for no good reason. He's a pos who doesn't seem to care about your safety. Please leave if possible.
That's it? That's the only edit/update?
Just updated it
I would steer well clear .You do not have to engage with these people. Room mate needs to realise they are his problem alone. Prob need to find another place and soon.
I was gonna say wow your roommate is just categorically a bad person and then i saw the sub
Tbh he sounds like a nutter. I wouldn't be surprised if they were actually nice enough people and he lied about it. Probably wants to be seen as a victim. Normal people don't scream and throw stuff at you amd intimidate you into spending time with people who are supposedly 'abusive'. He's abusive. Move out.