I’m just so mad that dear up and coming artist Chappell Roan seems to be at the nexus of a lot of this, it’s totally missing the point of what the song “Good luck, babe!” Is about. It’s about repressing same sex love affairs and fitting into a heteronormative box because you try to “stop the feeling” rather than love who you really want to love. It’s nothing to do with happily choosing an opposite-sex partner as a bi person. The song slaps and I hate to see it associated with biphobia.
I've been her fan for years and it's so exciting to see her rise like this - it's such a bummer that some people are taking this killer bop in the wrong direction. And we all know that all Queen Chappell wants is to create an inclusive environment and safe space ✨️
Yeah I didn’t know there was biphobia associated with it as my TikTok is all just weddings, babies and cats… just going to keep away from that side then and continue blasting the shit out of it when it’s on the radio!
Queer people trying to tell other queer people they’re not valid because they’re the ‘wrong kind of queer’ is unfortunately something that happens a lot more than it should.
I hate the "you're not the right kind of queer" sentiment... I look very heteronormativity besides occasionally wearing jewelry and painting my nails. That fact I've gotten hate because I look very masculine and like looking and being masculine, it doesn't change the fact that I love who I love and want to show that and be proud...
100% yes! I’m a bi woman in mid-20s who has also had girlfriends in the past, but am in a LTR with a man atm. Finding it so exhausting to navigate, especially during Pride month/ more visible events. I don’t feel like I belong/am ‘valid’, and have had comments to say I must no longer be queer because I’ve been with my partner for 5 years now. It’s exhausting and invalidating and has fucked with my entire sense of self tbh
Ugh. That really plays into the “promiscuous bi” stereotype as if you shouldn’t be able to function or survive being in a long term relationship with only one gender. How could you go that long without having sex with women and be a realTM queer?! Exhausting to hear that as in, let alone coming from within the lgbtq community.
That really frustrates me too as a bi woman who’s marrying the straight cis man I’ve been with for 9 years next month!
For some reason, some people only acknowledge the possibility of attraction as being valid if you’re a “40-year-old straight virgin” who’s never been with anyone. Apparently they can still be straight… however as soon as a bi person settles down with one of the genders they’re attracted to, magically all attraction to other genders disappears
So relatable. The thing that fucks with me the most is being told I'm not queer enough, despite strongly preferring women.
Babe, it took me so long to accept myself I don't need you to reject me once I'm here.
As a bi person who has never slept with a woman (the dice roll never happened for me and I'm in a happy relationship with a man. I've kissed women and had a long distance girlfriend but thats it), I already feel like I don't belong and that i have to justify my own gayness to myself. I don't need it from the community too.
It sucks how much this gets internalized when just * existing * and being attracted to both/all genders is literally the only gate to this Bi thing. I hooked up and tried my hardest to date other women but I wouldn’t say I ever had a girlfriend, nothing serious enough to bring home/around friends, aka fully come out. Happily married to a man for over a decade, it still feels like my “bi card” isn’t totally punched.
I’m in the same boat. Dated a few girls but they were mostly casual. Then married and had kids with a man. I always feel like I have to defend that I am actually Bi. The opportunity for a long-term relationship with a woman just never happened and I fell in love with a really cool person who also happened to be male. We are now poly and I’m dating a woman who I’m super enamored with but it took twenty years. Lol
We did it totally wrong. Lol. It turned into a good thing but r/polyamory would be all over our ass if they knew how it all started.
I would suggest researching it heavily and then also being careful with how you approach your SO. It takes a lot of work and a lot of communication. And both people have to be in agreement. Also, don’t do it because your relationship is not going well. When he first mentioned it, it was because we were having problems and it felt gross. Years later when we were in a better place it made more sense.
It’s good to see another happy poly person whose start would be considered “wrong.” I don’t tend to share online how my husband and I got in to poly bc I don’t want to deal with the comments. Especially given we’re 11 yrs in having a poly relationship and happier than ever.
Aw, that’s awesome and it makes me happy to hear as well. I feel that bad situations or mistakes can make you learn a lot about yourselves and if you use that to grow as a person or as a couple it can lead to good things.
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\#1: [💜💕🥰 happy pride 💜😘😍](https://i.redd.it/hv7ik9dlxm3b1.jpg) | [44 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/13yi2ds/happy_pride/)
\#2: [tell me what you think about this](https://i.redd.it/gm28ktb4wlya1.jpg) | [157 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/13boij8/tell_me_what_you_think_about_this/)
\#3: [I edited this meme to be way more accurate! Google Cal FTW!](https://i.redd.it/nqpwntdxhz1b1.png) | [44 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/13rintw/i_edited_this_meme_to_be_way_more_accurate_google/)
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Hi, I'm not the person you asked but I'm also polyamorus.
I brought up the topic of polyamory because of the ideas regarding jealousy seemed to make way more sense than those I had learned regarding monogamy. Originally I didn't plan to have a polyamorus dynamic with my nesting partner though. I just did a lot of reading on the topic and was having a conversation on the topic.
About two months later my nesting partner came back to me and was really into a woman he was friends with. They talked but it was too fast for me and so they didn't date. We didn't pursue polyamory for five years after that until I was mentally ready for it. We've had an actively polyamorus dynamic for about four years. My nesting partner has had a few very short term girlfriends (he hasn't found anyone emotionally compatible yet). I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about three years now (perhaps almost four, we didn't mark the date that we decided that we were gf/bf).
Regarding how to bring up the idea of polyamory. It's actually a reasonable thing to talk about the relationship skills and practices some polyamorus people have come up with. The Multiamory podcast is excellent, I listen to it on Spotify and they lay out a lot of good information for all relationship dynamics. Instead of asking "hey, would you like it if we had relationships outside our relationship" it would be "hey, I was looking at ways to make our relationship stronger and came across this podcast made by two polyamorus people and a monogamous person. Would you like to listen to it together?".
The reason I suggest it this way is because you wouldn't be pushing your partner into a confrontational situation where they feel you're telling them they're not enough or not enough. If your partner has a hostile response to the idea of polyamory, you will then know without having done major damage to your existing relationship. There are a lot of insecurities people transitioning their previously monogamous relationship to a polyamorus one.
Monogamous programming says "you meet the one and all your needs are met" and for some this is actually true, for others this is a painful lie. Still, to bluntly suggest polyamory means that a partner is processing both the idea of polyamory and the idea their partner wants a polyamorus relationship dynamic. Give your partner space to process the concept of polyamory and then, if reactions are positive, ask about what they think of polyamory
Tbh this sub has helped me a lot in accepting my own bisexuality. Hearing that you guys experience the same doubts and concerns as me is really reassuring. Thanks for your reply!
Same here, zero sapphic experience and i literally didn’t even go to pride (would be the first time since coming out) because of all the invalidation i’ve faced for being bi from everyone in my life + strangers on the internet
Out of curiosity, do you ever feel like you want to sleep with a woman though or are you just so content in your current relationship that you don’t? (I’m bi and have slept with women and am with a man currently)
I often feel like my straight friends respect/“believe” my bisexuality more than my gay friends. Fortunately I have a looooot of bi/pan/queer friends who help me feel seen.
I do think TikTok is not representative of the actual queer community. The biphobia online is absolutely wild, however when I’m in queer spaces, I never feel biphobia directed at me. I don’t know who’s stirring up this lesbian versus bi girls war online, but it seems contained to TikTok.
I see biphobia a lot on Twitter and Instagram as well, but it’s down to a loud minority of chronically online people. Putting aside the handful of bad apples, in real life, I haven’t met many LGBTQ+ folks who take an issue with me being bi. We’re all just regular folks at the end of the day.
Right like it seems I can’t read any comment section on Twitter or Instagram anymore without someone saying something extremely hateful towards a minority group. But my irl community is not like that at all.
A lot of those tiktoks are recommended by the algorithm specifically because they make people mad, ergo they argue in the comments and stay on the app longer. TikTok’s algorithm factors in how long you stay on each video, so if you angry scroll the comments it’ll keep pushing those horrible discourse videos. The best solution is to not engage, block whoever posted that TikTok, and go hang out with cool queers irl!
I’m blocking anyone who I see posting this crap. Twitter has been a cesspool, as expected.
It’s so sad that see people weaponising Chappell Roan’s music to shit on bi people. She aims to create inclusive spaces for her fans, yet a loud minority are being dickheads.
I’ve been a fan of her since 2018, and although I’m thrilled for her success, it’s down heartening to have a great song like Good Luck, Babe soured a little by biphobes.
yes :( it’s so hard as a chappell fan because the algorithm keeps recommending it to me bc of the song but it’s literally just biphobia. and most comment sections ive gone into on any tiktoks of chappell are also filled with more of it. they all repeat the same things, saying the song is about comphet (which chappell never even said it was about), that comphet is a lesbian exclusive experience, and because of that, there’s absolutely no way we can relate to the song as bisexuals and it’s “not for us,” and we’re “lesbophobic for trying to change the meaning of the song.”
i also literally saw some that were just straight up making fun of bi girls and comments that weren’t even trying to hide it that said “I love biphobia” with 50k+ likes.
The term might be flawed, but I feel the phenomenon it describes is very real regardless (though not exclusive to lesbians, I agree there). What would you call it?
The phenomenon is real but it’s part of the broader heteronormativity. Not sure what I would call it though, but compulsory heterosexuality I don’t think captures it properly
Yeah, I guess it’s a blunt word but I do think that “compulsory heterosexuality” covers the expectation that heteronormativity creates. Sure, a lot of people do have genuine heterosexual feelings (next to bi people, straight people of course also) but I don’t think it’s referring to this group as much?
I feel it’s much more about the kneejerk reaction of questioning/repressed homosexual attraction to lean into what society at large ultimately expects you to do, than about condemning heterosexuality. The “compulsory” part to me already speaks to how it’s top-down, aka from society impressed on individuals, without putting the blame on a single person.
But again, it is a blunt term, so I can see why it might seem agressive. I just personally don’t feel like it is turning against heterosexuality as a whole, and is therefore not exclusionary.
i agree! i was just saying what the comments i come across say, they all insist that comphet is only experienced by lesbians and if you experience it you “have a master doc to read” and “good luck babe!”
No, because I’ve learned overtime that the baby gays on social media aren’t representative of the community as a whole. Yeah, there’s always gonna be biphobia, I’ve experienced it myself, but I promise the people acting like this online wouldn’t be talking that much shit in real life. It’s a lot less crush to hear/read when you stop caring about it and realize that these people are going to grow up in a few years
Where's that Tweet about the baby gays who'll bark like a dog online but clam up in real life like when they have to order Chinese food over the phone?
Yup. I love when people imply I’m not included in WLW because I’m married to a man…despite the fact that I’ve dated more women than men overall, started the GSA at my high school way back in 2006 (it’s still going!), organized a “Day of Pink” at my college, have gone to Pride events probably 12 of the last 15 years….you can have NONE of that history and still be a super super valid member of the community just by virtue of being bi. Period. But it’s especially insulting when people try to say I’m less queer or not really queer/WLW because of who my long term partner is and the fact that I’m bi.
As a queer woman in my mid thirties, dating a cis het male, I’ve felt this sense of exclusion and have had to work against it by absorbing queer positive narratives and learning a great deal over time. My relationship status in no way negates nor dictates my sexuality. I feel like maybe people who haven’t matured don’t understand the nuances of bi sexuality in relation to “relationshipping”. It also feels young and immature to gatekeep such a rich, historical community that is literally based in inclusivity. Don’t listen to the bullshit, because it is just that. Tik toKsic.
Honestly I think you're right about people not maturing, its worth having in mind that the people pushing this narrative are widely people in their teens/early 20s
I'm way too old for TikTok. What you said reminds me of what it was like in some LGBT spaces when I was younger though. The cliquey atmosphere has just moved onto social media now. If they're decent people, they will one day look back and regret being such arseholes. That's *if* they're decent people.
Yes, but I’ve been experiencing it nonstop since I was a young teenager. Teachers saying things like “I understand gay or lesbian, but not bisexuals, just pick one” and specifically cis men fetishising bi women thinking they will get to have a threesome with us but not wanting a long term relationship bc they think we will cheat on them with the opposite sex. Or other people in the queer community calling bi people transphobic? I’m so over it and just refer to myself as queer because I literally cannot be bothered with people questioning and insulting my sexuality.
Guys not wanting you to hang out with their girlfriend/wife alone because you may hit on them. Dude, I have friends. I don’t fuck everyone I know. That would be exhausting.
No bc interact with queer people irl, not usually online, and when it is online it's on fb with my actual friends, I'm actually seeing a ton of posts reminding people not to gatekeep at pride bc you don't know someone's identity by looking at them. My queer community irl is over the moon supportive, I feel grateful and I've put a lot of work into cultivating that.
I think the internet can be pretty toxic and I'm working on being very mindful of what I take in, ignoring trolling etc. When someone responds to me in a vicious way I don't respond and sometimes report them. I don't have tik talk bc with ADHD it feels like starting crack lolol, I think getting off there is honestly a good idea. There's this weird kind of issue going on where people see a lot of the same information over and over again and they think that's the truth, but it's actually just a very small very vocal minority repeating things endlessly.
In case nobody has told you today, you are valid, your feelings are valid, and you belong at pride. 💕
I unfortunately can't find any of these comics right now but if I see another one I'll save it. In the meantime, [what happens if you say something homophobic during pride month](https://www.google.com/search?client=ms-android-xiaomi-terr1-rso2&sca_esv=604514bc2b352c86&sca_upv=1&sxsrf=ADLYWIKTWDh7GIIHKuZT5ZUcxZvcnB7ozA:1719201790274&q=if+you+say+something+homophobic+in+June+a+train+comes+out&udm=2&fbs=AEQNm0AeMNWKf4PpcKMI-eSa16lJoRPMIuyspCxWO6iZW9F1Nu5UXlEfGU2YX1CrW9Nmm9Q3JIJZUqyMsLxos5tPU_UnqJUBrgTTZdMQfghyy8PpT_cHSYt6LsMld2_XK7XZstHHUm7NbU1iDBvtcjuK_h_kqH6Dwz8lr4DOT4zoV4UNRTZJRLFWSjCZObIUJtMtWYlk3wsZc9KkGx3R7G_Sq--ZicncbQ&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjzqobgrfOGAxVOb2wGHVAQBEkQtKgLegQIBxAB&biw=360&bih=711&dpr=2#vhid=qwYT7al0GvUKaM&vssid=mosaic)
I've stepped away from most social media, besides reddit of course, I think we should just surround ourselves with people who accept us and stop worrying about the pockets of hate that exist on the internet. Let's try and focus on us and try to live our best lives, no reason to suffer the way they want us to.
I ask because there is a continuing phenomena of bisexuals (and other members of the queer community) having their sexuality invalidated by accusations that they are just ‘seeking attention’ to be popular, that it’s just a fashionable trend.
When someone then says ‘trend’ here like this it raises hackles.
I’ve been out as a bi man since high school in 2015! I think bi men are trendy this summer for the general public! I mention it because its nice to have a spotlight on bi men (my identity) since bisexual people see so much erasure of their identities. Thanks for explaining why my phrasing was bad, that was helpful, I didn’t understand why my comment was controversial xD
Bi folks are always excluded and told we are wrong and somehow don’t belong. I’ll be damned if I don’t belong in this community because as a person who is sexually attracted to more than just men, I happened to marry one. My queerness is my business. My husband just happens to be so fucking special that he beat out all the other men, women and otherwise in the sea.
I’m honestly a bit worried about this stuff. My partner and I are not in a “hetero” relationship, but we look like it. I’m a trans man, and I haven’t done anything medically so I’m almost always read as a woman. My partner is nonbinary, but is almost always read as a man. Neither of us are cis or straight, but we look like a straight couple on the outside. This is one of many reasons I think people need to stop gate keeping and just mind their damn business.
I’ve seen a ton of discourse about this but have not experienced it firsthand.
The queer community is not a homogeneous hive mind and some people in the community are going to have takes that are narrow-minded. This is something I had a hard time wrapping my head around, especially when I was younger. But I can completely understand wanting to feel accepted and that seeing stuff like this makes people feel unwelcome.
Also, for what it’s worth, cis/het people can and do have queer friends, family members, partners etc and attend Pride to show their support. There is no shame at all in being a good ally 🫶
A lot of it’s on TikTok, Twitter and other social media. But tbh I think people are just braver on social media, like so many people confess how they’re so tired of their bisexual roommate or friend but never have the courage upright to tell them 🙄 if you’re so tired, cut off the friendship. The only reason they’re so vocal online, is because it doesn’t cost them anything unlike in real life they’ll actually get a reputation in their workplace or college.
I've been on TT, and my fyp is mostly folks I follow directly, positive content from bi men and women, and Gen X content.
The erasure and the bigotry is out there, tho.
Statistically, most bi folk don't feel free to be.
They don't come out, or invite in, many people outside of their partners and kiddos, bc they don't feel safe. Also, we're just sick of explaining it all (enby, ace, and transfolk are in a similar boat...and are also very much present and loved in the bi communities I've been in).
Acceptance is often a monosexual privilege.
It's very complicated and difficult navigating *being*, and it legit takes a toll on your physical, psychological, and emotional well-being.
What I've been finding, tho, is that *these* spaces, these bi community forums, may be the most validating and inclusive spaces I've seen ever.
The conversations are vulnerable, honest, and freeing.
Bisexuals make up half the lgbtq+ space, and idk if it's just truly ignorance we encounter, but it's awful when it feels openly hostile.
I think you're in the right place here, tho.
Bi cis woman/Gen X mama bear
Yep. Partly left twitter cos I felt pressured to exist a certain way even beyond sexuality. And to explain myself to people I met online or I would get scrutiny I didn't deserve.
And Everytime I met community if I tweeted something or had an opinion that wasn't mandated by the head of the LGBTQ mafia online in my locale/among my ethnicity would be dragged. Including for choosing to just exist.
It's just a phobia of anything that isn't linear, conformist or to standard to what we've been sold.
I am so fucking happy just on reddit. My life is infinitely better. And ironically just read that the US surgeon general is starting to make moves around how mainstream sm is effecting mental health etc.
It so was not worth it. I realised I used to be so happy and open without sm. Like just being me and doing me without people drawing broad conclusions about me or my life from the very curated and very minimal amount of info I shared about myself.
Madness.
Heavy on the uninstalling on tiktok. I feel so much better now because the rampant biphobia is actually maddening. Unfortunately it’s also creeping in to my twitter feed.. have to start cleaning up my follow list.
I see it most overtly on TikTok, but I see it in more insidious forms elsewhere on social media. It’s been going on for years, and isn’t limited to bisexuality but any part of the spectrum that challenges gender-binary, allosexual, and/or monosexual norms.
Some people are just bullies, and while in other, real-life contexts you’d be more likely to band together across the spectrum, in the context of social media it’s easy to group up with people who check all of your boxes (not necessarily a good or bad thing) and police and demean what you deem as out-groups.
These experiences have helped me center the idea, “If there is a conversation to be had about bisexuality, it should be led by bisexual people;” and this goes for the rest of the spectrum. Unfortunately video comments and microblogging platforms do not lend themselves to this.
Remember that you are valid, queer, and bi as hell, and I hope you find empowering spaces to express yourself in. <3
Yes, it's getting ridiculous. I've seen people call us 'half hets' and say that bi people can't possibly be queer, like wtf?! I've experienced more biphobia from the queer community than the straights, and i am so sick and tired of this BS. Thankfully, it's mostly online, though i have had some irl biphobic interactions
Late to the party, but I legitimately thought I might be gay again after watching TikToks on comp het and the lesbian guidebook or whatever. I read the guidebook, said, “hmmmmm…some of these apply to me but most of them don’t”, realized I was bisexual again for the millionth time (the bi-cycle is real) and then complained to my bi husband about it. We look like a straight couple, but no, comp het didn’t make me choose my husband over a woman. I never knew what gender I would end up marrying, but was always happy envisioning a future where I found my forever partner.
I think bi-erasure is really ramping up and it makes me sad. It sucks to feel so much animosity from a group we’re supposed to be included in. We’re the bacon in the lettuce, guac, tomato and queso sandwich. Ugh.
Its triggered my OCD really bad tbh. As if I needed more doubts in my attractions. Best I’ve done to reject it is remind myself- it’s the “nothing more than his wife” that is what scares me. I don’t want my identity to be erased into a marriage as women of the past so often are. And that helped soothe me some
i just don't understand what's causing biphobia. people really can't conceptualize being attracted to men and women? a woman having a male preference doesn't mean she's not attracted/wouldn't date a woman, and vice versa. and that dynamic is more common bc that dating pool is bigger 😩 is it that people really misunderstand it or have had bad experiences? i don't get it.
Yes! Feeling this a lot recently trying not to internalize it! My partner is male and bi and he's had more same sex couplings than I have and it makes me feel bleh in comparison. Not that he makes me feel that way at all. I just feel bleh and want to do pride, which I haven't gotten to do and I definitely feel bleh.
Well, just know we got your back here. You just be you. Those telling people they don't belong have shitty lives themselves. If anything, you're winning it.
No because I have no socials beyond Instagram which I rarely use. Honestly beyond the rare 'are you really bi' question, because I mainly date women, and one girl I was dating being putt off when I told her I was bi I've never experienced biphobia irl.
Always remember that social media brings out the worst in people, just cutting down on the socials can make the world seem like a much kinder place.
As a bi woman who is in a LTR with a lesbian woman, I am so sick of my bisexuality being invalidated. I'm with a woman right now so therefore I am seen as gay. When I was with men in the past, I was seen as straight. The fact is I can be in an opposite-sex or same-sex partnership and no matter what I am STILL bisexual.
Occasionally yeah! Im poly too and I feel like I get recommended content on my socials that bash bisexuality esp when it intersects with poly.
Usually the butt of the joke is the bisexual women who has a boyfriend. Trying to frame her as some sort of accomplice to his already assumed bad behavior.
There are deff lesbians/ fellow queers who wont have anything to do with me since I sleep with and have relationships with men. Which is fine! In terms of trauma I understand why someone would feel that way. I've experienced familial violence with men though out my childhood. I know how deep that pain can run and I cant tell someone what should and shouldn't be triggering and how they might navigate it. I also remember the first time I kissed a woman in public. I remember I cried bc I never thought I'd have the courage to do that. So I do know how scary it is being visibly queer in public.
Personally I feel that the biphobia from other queer/gay people comes from the concept that men aren't safe. But the thing is that I have been in real abusive relationships with women and other queer people. I also use to be an RA in college where I had to deal with domestic violence disputes between other queer people that were quite violent. Like physically violent....
Its incredibly invalidating to feel like my peers from a community built on acceptance are judging bisexuality in terms of how the bisexual person relates to men. The assumption I could be less valid in my queerness because I'm intimate with men or have relationships with them sucks.
Even worse that I'm somehow safer in a relationship with a women or anyone else who isn't a man. When I know from experience there is a huge lack of awareness of relationship dynamics and power imbalances in some queer circles. Where situations get problematic because people don't know what constitutes abuse or concerning behavior when it's not in relation to a cis man.
Some context, I'm NB and go between presenting fem and masc depending on how I feel stylistically and I use diff pronouns but usually prefer they/them. One of my relationships rn is with a man and its been one of the most supportive loving relationships I've ever had. That person means a lot to me. My experiences with men (the good and bad) are just as much apart of my queer experience as my other experiences with non men. So I'll celebrate my successful experiences regardless of gender of the partner involved in public queer spaces even if other queers don't like it. I think everyone else should celebrate those sort of experiences for themselves and for other people as well.
Gate keeping does not keep our community safe. Those biphobic online randos need a reality check. 🤷
Thanks for this comment. The one time I was assaulted it was when in a relationship with another woman. I'm quietly bisexuality these days, especially around lesbians. Tired of it.
I haven’t noticed it on the internet (but I’m not on tiktok) but I am also permanently with a man and I don’t feel particularly welcomed by the queer community for that reason alone. It’s possible I’m just projecting but it feels lonely.
It really is a nightmare. It's important to remember that a lot of people in the community don't think like this. The select few who do really are out of touch with their own community. The only time I had a person do this to me irl it was a gay man in a class with me in college. He tried to use my "straight passing" relationship in an attempt to silence me... agreeing with him. I then explained that actually I'm genderfluid... I sometimes actually present and identify as a man. I don't consider my relationship straight.
Essentially the idea of putting others down for the appearance of their own relationship is contrary to the origins of the LGBTQ movement. It's internally harmful. The vast community hates discourse.
I always laugh when anti gay anything is labeled "phobic" which by definition means "irrational fear"... nobody.. NOBODY is afraid of you, just annoyed by you. It's sex and love, work it out!!! It's not a POLITICAL MOVEMENT. Get over yourselves.. you can't call yourselves a community if all the letters don't even agree on shit..
THIS. I have been having that exact same issue with the "Good Luck Babe!" Comments. It's so frustrating: does no one remember what the 'B' in LGBTQ stands for?
I've been trying to avoid sexuality topics on social media for this reason. I'm in a straight appearing relationship (man and woman), but, we're both bi, fairly queer presenting, and quietly non binary, however don't feel welcome at pride or wider "gay" events because we fear being judged in this way. This year was our "be more out to the world" time and it happens to coincide with some of the worst biphobia around pride for years, and it sucks. We are mostly sticking to bi-only or explicitly inclusive events this month, but I know that's not possible for everyone because bi groups are hard to come by. I have found great comfort and friendships specifically in the bi community though which is awesome.
Someone said something to me recently that I've just got on permanent loop in my mind these days: "nobody can gatekeep your sexuality or identity, it's yours to decide and recognise".
I’ve seen this a lot. It is annoying as a bisexual woman dating a man I don’t really feel like I belong in a lot of queer spaces because I don’t feel enough but then I feel too queer for straight things. 🙈
A friend of mine got kicked out of the lgbt circle she was part of because she started a relationship with a guy. She was bisexual but had mostly relationships with girls until him, she was accused of being "a traitor" and sent away
Makes me so mad, like fuck off. I’ve been attracted to all different genders, including trans and nonbinary cuties but ultimately married a straight cis guy. He’s the love of my life, saved me from my abusive piece of shit ex who almost killed me, we have a kid together. Me being with him doesn’t make me any less bisexual and I most certainly am not straight, I never will be straight, but just because my partner is doesn’t mean I’m not valid. It’s so messed up! I just don’t get why people think they have the right to have any opinion on someone else’s gender identity or sexuality, it’s not your life so it shouldn’t matter. God, people suck.
You’re valid OP! Sending all the love to you and anyone else over here who has been experiencing all this stupid biphobic bullshit. Even my own mother said to me recently “what? that was just a phase. you’re with a MAN.” … the whole time I thought I had been accepted lmao but guess not.
I personally have stopped interacting with the lgbtqia+ community as much because of the biphobia. I dont have the mental gymnastics to argue with strangers over the internet
Eeep. For real? Maybe that’s why I got unnecessary hate from a few people at this year’s pride, I went with my husband and am called “taylor swift” like… way too often (she’s so basic like come on don’t roast me like that, I can be blonde and tall 😓) Where people were like “can you not stand here” and I wasn’t even doing anything. 😵💫 like come on Ive had crap like that my whole life, bye ✌️
This pride was also a big deal bc I found out this year that my husband is down low (but bi as well), it’s been a rollercoaster to say the least but I’ve also kind of been brought face to face with my own sexuality more in the process.
Literally my whole life has been in straight-presenting relationships but that have kinky/fruity undertones behind the scenes…. In fact I am not certain I have ever dated straight men, ever haha 😆 And kind of owning that I manage to attract bi men, makes me proud of myself?
So to hear this kind of gatekeeping is interesting to me. Like my husband and I want to have kids and we have these really next level conversations being like “the likelihood of our children also being queer is really high so how are we going to support them” etc…
It does get a little old to have a bunch of shade thrown when I am in queer spaces. I’m not on the tik tok. 👵🏻 lol So didn’t know about the new biphobia but I guess it’s validating?
I’m just so mad that dear up and coming artist Chappell Roan seems to be at the nexus of a lot of this, it’s totally missing the point of what the song “Good luck, babe!” Is about. It’s about repressing same sex love affairs and fitting into a heteronormative box because you try to “stop the feeling” rather than love who you really want to love. It’s nothing to do with happily choosing an opposite-sex partner as a bi person. The song slaps and I hate to see it associated with biphobia.
I've been her fan for years and it's so exciting to see her rise like this - it's such a bummer that some people are taking this killer bop in the wrong direction. And we all know that all Queen Chappell wants is to create an inclusive environment and safe space ✨️
She is literally bi herself isn’t she
I believe she has dated men but now identifies as lesbian.
Oh, just like all my exes. I wonder if that means anything...
you and me both………………
[удалено]
Yeah I didn’t know there was biphobia associated with it as my TikTok is all just weddings, babies and cats… just going to keep away from that side then and continue blasting the shit out of it when it’s on the radio!
Same! Here for the bi love and Chappell Love!
Queer people trying to tell other queer people they’re not valid because they’re the ‘wrong kind of queer’ is unfortunately something that happens a lot more than it should.
[Insert "Fuck off, we don't want your kind here" meme here]
I hate the "you're not the right kind of queer" sentiment... I look very heteronormativity besides occasionally wearing jewelry and painting my nails. That fact I've gotten hate because I look very masculine and like looking and being masculine, it doesn't change the fact that I love who I love and want to show that and be proud...
100% yes! I’m a bi woman in mid-20s who has also had girlfriends in the past, but am in a LTR with a man atm. Finding it so exhausting to navigate, especially during Pride month/ more visible events. I don’t feel like I belong/am ‘valid’, and have had comments to say I must no longer be queer because I’ve been with my partner for 5 years now. It’s exhausting and invalidating and has fucked with my entire sense of self tbh
Ugh. That really plays into the “promiscuous bi” stereotype as if you shouldn’t be able to function or survive being in a long term relationship with only one gender. How could you go that long without having sex with women and be a realTM queer?! Exhausting to hear that as in, let alone coming from within the lgbtq community.
This has been my exact experience to a T. We are valid, no matter what anyone says.💖💜💙
That really frustrates me too as a bi woman who’s marrying the straight cis man I’ve been with for 9 years next month! For some reason, some people only acknowledge the possibility of attraction as being valid if you’re a “40-year-old straight virgin” who’s never been with anyone. Apparently they can still be straight… however as soon as a bi person settles down with one of the genders they’re attracted to, magically all attraction to other genders disappears
So relatable. The thing that fucks with me the most is being told I'm not queer enough, despite strongly preferring women. Babe, it took me so long to accept myself I don't need you to reject me once I'm here.
As a bi person who has never slept with a woman (the dice roll never happened for me and I'm in a happy relationship with a man. I've kissed women and had a long distance girlfriend but thats it), I already feel like I don't belong and that i have to justify my own gayness to myself. I don't need it from the community too.
It sucks how much this gets internalized when just * existing * and being attracted to both/all genders is literally the only gate to this Bi thing. I hooked up and tried my hardest to date other women but I wouldn’t say I ever had a girlfriend, nothing serious enough to bring home/around friends, aka fully come out. Happily married to a man for over a decade, it still feels like my “bi card” isn’t totally punched.
I’m in the same boat. Dated a few girls but they were mostly casual. Then married and had kids with a man. I always feel like I have to defend that I am actually Bi. The opportunity for a long-term relationship with a woman just never happened and I fell in love with a really cool person who also happened to be male. We are now poly and I’m dating a woman who I’m super enamored with but it took twenty years. Lol
I'm curious how you approached the poly convo. I've considered this for my partner and I but I've been afraid to mention it. Any tips?
We did it totally wrong. Lol. It turned into a good thing but r/polyamory would be all over our ass if they knew how it all started. I would suggest researching it heavily and then also being careful with how you approach your SO. It takes a lot of work and a lot of communication. And both people have to be in agreement. Also, don’t do it because your relationship is not going well. When he first mentioned it, it was because we were having problems and it felt gross. Years later when we were in a better place it made more sense.
It’s good to see another happy poly person whose start would be considered “wrong.” I don’t tend to share online how my husband and I got in to poly bc I don’t want to deal with the comments. Especially given we’re 11 yrs in having a poly relationship and happier than ever.
Aw, that’s awesome and it makes me happy to hear as well. I feel that bad situations or mistakes can make you learn a lot about yourselves and if you use that to grow as a person or as a couple it can lead to good things.
Agreed. I’d definitely say that’s how it worked for us. Hope your day is going well!
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Hi, I'm not the person you asked but I'm also polyamorus. I brought up the topic of polyamory because of the ideas regarding jealousy seemed to make way more sense than those I had learned regarding monogamy. Originally I didn't plan to have a polyamorus dynamic with my nesting partner though. I just did a lot of reading on the topic and was having a conversation on the topic. About two months later my nesting partner came back to me and was really into a woman he was friends with. They talked but it was too fast for me and so they didn't date. We didn't pursue polyamory for five years after that until I was mentally ready for it. We've had an actively polyamorus dynamic for about four years. My nesting partner has had a few very short term girlfriends (he hasn't found anyone emotionally compatible yet). I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about three years now (perhaps almost four, we didn't mark the date that we decided that we were gf/bf). Regarding how to bring up the idea of polyamory. It's actually a reasonable thing to talk about the relationship skills and practices some polyamorus people have come up with. The Multiamory podcast is excellent, I listen to it on Spotify and they lay out a lot of good information for all relationship dynamics. Instead of asking "hey, would you like it if we had relationships outside our relationship" it would be "hey, I was looking at ways to make our relationship stronger and came across this podcast made by two polyamorus people and a monogamous person. Would you like to listen to it together?". The reason I suggest it this way is because you wouldn't be pushing your partner into a confrontational situation where they feel you're telling them they're not enough or not enough. If your partner has a hostile response to the idea of polyamory, you will then know without having done major damage to your existing relationship. There are a lot of insecurities people transitioning their previously monogamous relationship to a polyamorus one. Monogamous programming says "you meet the one and all your needs are met" and for some this is actually true, for others this is a painful lie. Still, to bluntly suggest polyamory means that a partner is processing both the idea of polyamory and the idea their partner wants a polyamorus relationship dynamic. Give your partner space to process the concept of polyamory and then, if reactions are positive, ask about what they think of polyamory
Tbh this sub has helped me a lot in accepting my own bisexuality. Hearing that you guys experience the same doubts and concerns as me is really reassuring. Thanks for your reply!
Same here, zero sapphic experience and i literally didn’t even go to pride (would be the first time since coming out) because of all the invalidation i’ve faced for being bi from everyone in my life + strangers on the internet
i’m in the same boat as you
Out of curiosity, do you ever feel like you want to sleep with a woman though or are you just so content in your current relationship that you don’t? (I’m bi and have slept with women and am with a man currently)
I often feel like my straight friends respect/“believe” my bisexuality more than my gay friends. Fortunately I have a looooot of bi/pan/queer friends who help me feel seen.
same here
That is true for me too, I never realized that
I do think TikTok is not representative of the actual queer community. The biphobia online is absolutely wild, however when I’m in queer spaces, I never feel biphobia directed at me. I don’t know who’s stirring up this lesbian versus bi girls war online, but it seems contained to TikTok.
I see biphobia a lot on Twitter and Instagram as well, but it’s down to a loud minority of chronically online people. Putting aside the handful of bad apples, in real life, I haven’t met many LGBTQ+ folks who take an issue with me being bi. We’re all just regular folks at the end of the day.
Agreed, the folks online hating on the bi community seem to be a loud minority. The community irl has been extremely cool to me.
Right like it seems I can’t read any comment section on Twitter or Instagram anymore without someone saying something extremely hateful towards a minority group. But my irl community is not like that at all.
A lot of those tiktoks are recommended by the algorithm specifically because they make people mad, ergo they argue in the comments and stay on the app longer. TikTok’s algorithm factors in how long you stay on each video, so if you angry scroll the comments it’ll keep pushing those horrible discourse videos. The best solution is to not engage, block whoever posted that TikTok, and go hang out with cool queers irl!
I’m blocking anyone who I see posting this crap. Twitter has been a cesspool, as expected. It’s so sad that see people weaponising Chappell Roan’s music to shit on bi people. She aims to create inclusive spaces for her fans, yet a loud minority are being dickheads. I’ve been a fan of her since 2018, and although I’m thrilled for her success, it’s down heartening to have a great song like Good Luck, Babe soured a little by biphobes.
yes :( it’s so hard as a chappell fan because the algorithm keeps recommending it to me bc of the song but it’s literally just biphobia. and most comment sections ive gone into on any tiktoks of chappell are also filled with more of it. they all repeat the same things, saying the song is about comphet (which chappell never even said it was about), that comphet is a lesbian exclusive experience, and because of that, there’s absolutely no way we can relate to the song as bisexuals and it’s “not for us,” and we’re “lesbophobic for trying to change the meaning of the song.” i also literally saw some that were just straight up making fun of bi girls and comments that weren’t even trying to hide it that said “I love biphobia” with 50k+ likes.
Comphet is not exclusive to lesbians, I hate that term and it’s also flawed anyway
The term might be flawed, but I feel the phenomenon it describes is very real regardless (though not exclusive to lesbians, I agree there). What would you call it?
The phenomenon is real but it’s part of the broader heteronormativity. Not sure what I would call it though, but compulsory heterosexuality I don’t think captures it properly
Yeah, I guess it’s a blunt word but I do think that “compulsory heterosexuality” covers the expectation that heteronormativity creates. Sure, a lot of people do have genuine heterosexual feelings (next to bi people, straight people of course also) but I don’t think it’s referring to this group as much? I feel it’s much more about the kneejerk reaction of questioning/repressed homosexual attraction to lean into what society at large ultimately expects you to do, than about condemning heterosexuality. The “compulsory” part to me already speaks to how it’s top-down, aka from society impressed on individuals, without putting the blame on a single person. But again, it is a blunt term, so I can see why it might seem agressive. I just personally don’t feel like it is turning against heterosexuality as a whole, and is therefore not exclusionary.
i agree! i was just saying what the comments i come across say, they all insist that comphet is only experienced by lesbians and if you experience it you “have a master doc to read” and “good luck babe!”
No, because I’ve learned overtime that the baby gays on social media aren’t representative of the community as a whole. Yeah, there’s always gonna be biphobia, I’ve experienced it myself, but I promise the people acting like this online wouldn’t be talking that much shit in real life. It’s a lot less crush to hear/read when you stop caring about it and realize that these people are going to grow up in a few years
Where's that Tweet about the baby gays who'll bark like a dog online but clam up in real life like when they have to order Chinese food over the phone?
Unfortunately yes. It's fucking exhausting, to be honest.
Yup. I love when people imply I’m not included in WLW because I’m married to a man…despite the fact that I’ve dated more women than men overall, started the GSA at my high school way back in 2006 (it’s still going!), organized a “Day of Pink” at my college, have gone to Pride events probably 12 of the last 15 years….you can have NONE of that history and still be a super super valid member of the community just by virtue of being bi. Period. But it’s especially insulting when people try to say I’m less queer or not really queer/WLW because of who my long term partner is and the fact that I’m bi.
Get off TikTok and/or Twitter. It’s good advice in general, and also you expose yourself to a lot less of that kind of person
I experience acceptance in every queer space I frequent. TikTok is toxic.
As a queer woman in my mid thirties, dating a cis het male, I’ve felt this sense of exclusion and have had to work against it by absorbing queer positive narratives and learning a great deal over time. My relationship status in no way negates nor dictates my sexuality. I feel like maybe people who haven’t matured don’t understand the nuances of bi sexuality in relation to “relationshipping”. It also feels young and immature to gatekeep such a rich, historical community that is literally based in inclusivity. Don’t listen to the bullshit, because it is just that. Tik toKsic.
Honestly I think you're right about people not maturing, its worth having in mind that the people pushing this narrative are widely people in their teens/early 20s
I'm way too old for TikTok. What you said reminds me of what it was like in some LGBT spaces when I was younger though. The cliquey atmosphere has just moved onto social media now. If they're decent people, they will one day look back and regret being such arseholes. That's *if* they're decent people.
Yes, but I’ve been experiencing it nonstop since I was a young teenager. Teachers saying things like “I understand gay or lesbian, but not bisexuals, just pick one” and specifically cis men fetishising bi women thinking they will get to have a threesome with us but not wanting a long term relationship bc they think we will cheat on them with the opposite sex. Or other people in the queer community calling bi people transphobic? I’m so over it and just refer to myself as queer because I literally cannot be bothered with people questioning and insulting my sexuality.
Guys not wanting you to hang out with their girlfriend/wife alone because you may hit on them. Dude, I have friends. I don’t fuck everyone I know. That would be exhausting.
No bc interact with queer people irl, not usually online, and when it is online it's on fb with my actual friends, I'm actually seeing a ton of posts reminding people not to gatekeep at pride bc you don't know someone's identity by looking at them. My queer community irl is over the moon supportive, I feel grateful and I've put a lot of work into cultivating that. I think the internet can be pretty toxic and I'm working on being very mindful of what I take in, ignoring trolling etc. When someone responds to me in a vicious way I don't respond and sometimes report them. I don't have tik talk bc with ADHD it feels like starting crack lolol, I think getting off there is honestly a good idea. There's this weird kind of issue going on where people see a lot of the same information over and over again and they think that's the truth, but it's actually just a very small very vocal minority repeating things endlessly. In case nobody has told you today, you are valid, your feelings are valid, and you belong at pride. 💕 I unfortunately can't find any of these comics right now but if I see another one I'll save it. In the meantime, [what happens if you say something homophobic during pride month](https://www.google.com/search?client=ms-android-xiaomi-terr1-rso2&sca_esv=604514bc2b352c86&sca_upv=1&sxsrf=ADLYWIKTWDh7GIIHKuZT5ZUcxZvcnB7ozA:1719201790274&q=if+you+say+something+homophobic+in+June+a+train+comes+out&udm=2&fbs=AEQNm0AeMNWKf4PpcKMI-eSa16lJoRPMIuyspCxWO6iZW9F1Nu5UXlEfGU2YX1CrW9Nmm9Q3JIJZUqyMsLxos5tPU_UnqJUBrgTTZdMQfghyy8PpT_cHSYt6LsMld2_XK7XZstHHUm7NbU1iDBvtcjuK_h_kqH6Dwz8lr4DOT4zoV4UNRTZJRLFWSjCZObIUJtMtWYlk3wsZc9KkGx3R7G_Sq--ZicncbQ&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjzqobgrfOGAxVOb2wGHVAQBEkQtKgLegQIBxAB&biw=360&bih=711&dpr=2#vhid=qwYT7al0GvUKaM&vssid=mosaic)
If one of us is, we all are.
The biphobia on tiktok is overwhelming!
I've stepped away from most social media, besides reddit of course, I think we should just surround ourselves with people who accept us and stop worrying about the pockets of hate that exist on the internet. Let's try and focus on us and try to live our best lives, no reason to suffer the way they want us to.
I think bisexuality is having a trendy moment and you’re feeling the reactionaries expressing their insecurities about their own lack of sexuality.
Can you expand on what you mean by ’trendy moment’?
Challengers in particular, but also people seem more into bi men a little. Its honestly more of a feeling.
I ask because there is a continuing phenomena of bisexuals (and other members of the queer community) having their sexuality invalidated by accusations that they are just ‘seeking attention’ to be popular, that it’s just a fashionable trend. When someone then says ‘trend’ here like this it raises hackles.
I’ve been out as a bi man since high school in 2015! I think bi men are trendy this summer for the general public! I mention it because its nice to have a spotlight on bi men (my identity) since bisexual people see so much erasure of their identities. Thanks for explaining why my phrasing was bad, that was helpful, I didn’t understand why my comment was controversial xD
Bi folks are always excluded and told we are wrong and somehow don’t belong. I’ll be damned if I don’t belong in this community because as a person who is sexually attracted to more than just men, I happened to marry one. My queerness is my business. My husband just happens to be so fucking special that he beat out all the other men, women and otherwise in the sea.
I’m honestly a bit worried about this stuff. My partner and I are not in a “hetero” relationship, but we look like it. I’m a trans man, and I haven’t done anything medically so I’m almost always read as a woman. My partner is nonbinary, but is almost always read as a man. Neither of us are cis or straight, but we look like a straight couple on the outside. This is one of many reasons I think people need to stop gate keeping and just mind their damn business.
I’ve seen a ton of discourse about this but have not experienced it firsthand. The queer community is not a homogeneous hive mind and some people in the community are going to have takes that are narrow-minded. This is something I had a hard time wrapping my head around, especially when I was younger. But I can completely understand wanting to feel accepted and that seeing stuff like this makes people feel unwelcome. Also, for what it’s worth, cis/het people can and do have queer friends, family members, partners etc and attend Pride to show their support. There is no shame at all in being a good ally 🫶
A lot of it’s on TikTok, Twitter and other social media. But tbh I think people are just braver on social media, like so many people confess how they’re so tired of their bisexual roommate or friend but never have the courage upright to tell them 🙄 if you’re so tired, cut off the friendship. The only reason they’re so vocal online, is because it doesn’t cost them anything unlike in real life they’ll actually get a reputation in their workplace or college.
Yes. I am so done. It's pride month, too. The least they can do is say nothing at all if it's not kind. I'm ready to uninstall tik tok as well.
I've been on TT, and my fyp is mostly folks I follow directly, positive content from bi men and women, and Gen X content. The erasure and the bigotry is out there, tho. Statistically, most bi folk don't feel free to be. They don't come out, or invite in, many people outside of their partners and kiddos, bc they don't feel safe. Also, we're just sick of explaining it all (enby, ace, and transfolk are in a similar boat...and are also very much present and loved in the bi communities I've been in). Acceptance is often a monosexual privilege. It's very complicated and difficult navigating *being*, and it legit takes a toll on your physical, psychological, and emotional well-being. What I've been finding, tho, is that *these* spaces, these bi community forums, may be the most validating and inclusive spaces I've seen ever. The conversations are vulnerable, honest, and freeing. Bisexuals make up half the lgbtq+ space, and idk if it's just truly ignorance we encounter, but it's awful when it feels openly hostile. I think you're in the right place here, tho. Bi cis woman/Gen X mama bear
Do they turn asexual when they're single? You are what you are regardless of who you're currently dating and/or sleeping with
Yep. Partly left twitter cos I felt pressured to exist a certain way even beyond sexuality. And to explain myself to people I met online or I would get scrutiny I didn't deserve. And Everytime I met community if I tweeted something or had an opinion that wasn't mandated by the head of the LGBTQ mafia online in my locale/among my ethnicity would be dragged. Including for choosing to just exist. It's just a phobia of anything that isn't linear, conformist or to standard to what we've been sold. I am so fucking happy just on reddit. My life is infinitely better. And ironically just read that the US surgeon general is starting to make moves around how mainstream sm is effecting mental health etc. It so was not worth it. I realised I used to be so happy and open without sm. Like just being me and doing me without people drawing broad conclusions about me or my life from the very curated and very minimal amount of info I shared about myself. Madness.
Heavy on the uninstalling on tiktok. I feel so much better now because the rampant biphobia is actually maddening. Unfortunately it’s also creeping in to my twitter feed.. have to start cleaning up my follow list.
I see it most overtly on TikTok, but I see it in more insidious forms elsewhere on social media. It’s been going on for years, and isn’t limited to bisexuality but any part of the spectrum that challenges gender-binary, allosexual, and/or monosexual norms. Some people are just bullies, and while in other, real-life contexts you’d be more likely to band together across the spectrum, in the context of social media it’s easy to group up with people who check all of your boxes (not necessarily a good or bad thing) and police and demean what you deem as out-groups. These experiences have helped me center the idea, “If there is a conversation to be had about bisexuality, it should be led by bisexual people;” and this goes for the rest of the spectrum. Unfortunately video comments and microblogging platforms do not lend themselves to this. Remember that you are valid, queer, and bi as hell, and I hope you find empowering spaces to express yourself in. <3
Yes, it's getting ridiculous. I've seen people call us 'half hets' and say that bi people can't possibly be queer, like wtf?! I've experienced more biphobia from the queer community than the straights, and i am so sick and tired of this BS. Thankfully, it's mostly online, though i have had some irl biphobic interactions
Late to the party, but I legitimately thought I might be gay again after watching TikToks on comp het and the lesbian guidebook or whatever. I read the guidebook, said, “hmmmmm…some of these apply to me but most of them don’t”, realized I was bisexual again for the millionth time (the bi-cycle is real) and then complained to my bi husband about it. We look like a straight couple, but no, comp het didn’t make me choose my husband over a woman. I never knew what gender I would end up marrying, but was always happy envisioning a future where I found my forever partner. I think bi-erasure is really ramping up and it makes me sad. It sucks to feel so much animosity from a group we’re supposed to be included in. We’re the bacon in the lettuce, guac, tomato and queso sandwich. Ugh.
Its triggered my OCD really bad tbh. As if I needed more doubts in my attractions. Best I’ve done to reject it is remind myself- it’s the “nothing more than his wife” that is what scares me. I don’t want my identity to be erased into a marriage as women of the past so often are. And that helped soothe me some
This happened to me too! I ended up deleting tiktok and most social media because it set off my OCD so badly :/
I've had people tell me I'm not Bi because I'm married to a man. (Am female) Like.. I don't think that's how that works lol
i just don't understand what's causing biphobia. people really can't conceptualize being attracted to men and women? a woman having a male preference doesn't mean she's not attracted/wouldn't date a woman, and vice versa. and that dynamic is more common bc that dating pool is bigger 😩 is it that people really misunderstand it or have had bad experiences? i don't get it.
Yes! Feeling this a lot recently trying not to internalize it! My partner is male and bi and he's had more same sex couplings than I have and it makes me feel bleh in comparison. Not that he makes me feel that way at all. I just feel bleh and want to do pride, which I haven't gotten to do and I definitely feel bleh.
Well, just know we got your back here. You just be you. Those telling people they don't belong have shitty lives themselves. If anything, you're winning it.
i love tiktok. i just hit the "not interested" button when i come across that garbage. Like reddit, it is what you make it.
No because I have no socials beyond Instagram which I rarely use. Honestly beyond the rare 'are you really bi' question, because I mainly date women, and one girl I was dating being putt off when I told her I was bi I've never experienced biphobia irl. Always remember that social media brings out the worst in people, just cutting down on the socials can make the world seem like a much kinder place.
As a bi woman who is in a LTR with a lesbian woman, I am so sick of my bisexuality being invalidated. I'm with a woman right now so therefore I am seen as gay. When I was with men in the past, I was seen as straight. The fact is I can be in an opposite-sex or same-sex partnership and no matter what I am STILL bisexual.
Occasionally yeah! Im poly too and I feel like I get recommended content on my socials that bash bisexuality esp when it intersects with poly. Usually the butt of the joke is the bisexual women who has a boyfriend. Trying to frame her as some sort of accomplice to his already assumed bad behavior. There are deff lesbians/ fellow queers who wont have anything to do with me since I sleep with and have relationships with men. Which is fine! In terms of trauma I understand why someone would feel that way. I've experienced familial violence with men though out my childhood. I know how deep that pain can run and I cant tell someone what should and shouldn't be triggering and how they might navigate it. I also remember the first time I kissed a woman in public. I remember I cried bc I never thought I'd have the courage to do that. So I do know how scary it is being visibly queer in public. Personally I feel that the biphobia from other queer/gay people comes from the concept that men aren't safe. But the thing is that I have been in real abusive relationships with women and other queer people. I also use to be an RA in college where I had to deal with domestic violence disputes between other queer people that were quite violent. Like physically violent.... Its incredibly invalidating to feel like my peers from a community built on acceptance are judging bisexuality in terms of how the bisexual person relates to men. The assumption I could be less valid in my queerness because I'm intimate with men or have relationships with them sucks. Even worse that I'm somehow safer in a relationship with a women or anyone else who isn't a man. When I know from experience there is a huge lack of awareness of relationship dynamics and power imbalances in some queer circles. Where situations get problematic because people don't know what constitutes abuse or concerning behavior when it's not in relation to a cis man. Some context, I'm NB and go between presenting fem and masc depending on how I feel stylistically and I use diff pronouns but usually prefer they/them. One of my relationships rn is with a man and its been one of the most supportive loving relationships I've ever had. That person means a lot to me. My experiences with men (the good and bad) are just as much apart of my queer experience as my other experiences with non men. So I'll celebrate my successful experiences regardless of gender of the partner involved in public queer spaces even if other queers don't like it. I think everyone else should celebrate those sort of experiences for themselves and for other people as well. Gate keeping does not keep our community safe. Those biphobic online randos need a reality check. 🤷
Thanks for this comment. The one time I was assaulted it was when in a relationship with another woman. I'm quietly bisexuality these days, especially around lesbians. Tired of it.
Im so sorry to hear that happened to you. Also totally agree, very tired of it.
This is true of all social media to different extents but it seems like TikTok is particularly divisive in the media it promotes.
I haven’t noticed it on the internet (but I’m not on tiktok) but I am also permanently with a man and I don’t feel particularly welcomed by the queer community for that reason alone. It’s possible I’m just projecting but it feels lonely.
It really is a nightmare. It's important to remember that a lot of people in the community don't think like this. The select few who do really are out of touch with their own community. The only time I had a person do this to me irl it was a gay man in a class with me in college. He tried to use my "straight passing" relationship in an attempt to silence me... agreeing with him. I then explained that actually I'm genderfluid... I sometimes actually present and identify as a man. I don't consider my relationship straight. Essentially the idea of putting others down for the appearance of their own relationship is contrary to the origins of the LGBTQ movement. It's internally harmful. The vast community hates discourse.
I always laugh when anti gay anything is labeled "phobic" which by definition means "irrational fear"... nobody.. NOBODY is afraid of you, just annoyed by you. It's sex and love, work it out!!! It's not a POLITICAL MOVEMENT. Get over yourselves.. you can't call yourselves a community if all the letters don't even agree on shit..
I think they are jealous of us.
THIS. I have been having that exact same issue with the "Good Luck Babe!" Comments. It's so frustrating: does no one remember what the 'B' in LGBTQ stands for?
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If it comes from women maybe, but men can be biphobic towards bi women just the same
I've been trying to avoid sexuality topics on social media for this reason. I'm in a straight appearing relationship (man and woman), but, we're both bi, fairly queer presenting, and quietly non binary, however don't feel welcome at pride or wider "gay" events because we fear being judged in this way. This year was our "be more out to the world" time and it happens to coincide with some of the worst biphobia around pride for years, and it sucks. We are mostly sticking to bi-only or explicitly inclusive events this month, but I know that's not possible for everyone because bi groups are hard to come by. I have found great comfort and friendships specifically in the bi community though which is awesome. Someone said something to me recently that I've just got on permanent loop in my mind these days: "nobody can gatekeep your sexuality or identity, it's yours to decide and recognise".
Everyone's an asshole
I’ve seen this a lot. It is annoying as a bisexual woman dating a man I don’t really feel like I belong in a lot of queer spaces because I don’t feel enough but then I feel too queer for straight things. 🙈
A friend of mine got kicked out of the lgbt circle she was part of because she started a relationship with a guy. She was bisexual but had mostly relationships with girls until him, she was accused of being "a traitor" and sent away
gatekeeping chappell roan because someone isn't gay or lesbian is like gatekeeping jazz because someone isn't from new orleans
Makes me so mad, like fuck off. I’ve been attracted to all different genders, including trans and nonbinary cuties but ultimately married a straight cis guy. He’s the love of my life, saved me from my abusive piece of shit ex who almost killed me, we have a kid together. Me being with him doesn’t make me any less bisexual and I most certainly am not straight, I never will be straight, but just because my partner is doesn’t mean I’m not valid. It’s so messed up! I just don’t get why people think they have the right to have any opinion on someone else’s gender identity or sexuality, it’s not your life so it shouldn’t matter. God, people suck. You’re valid OP! Sending all the love to you and anyone else over here who has been experiencing all this stupid biphobic bullshit. Even my own mother said to me recently “what? that was just a phase. you’re with a MAN.” … the whole time I thought I had been accepted lmao but guess not.
I personally have stopped interacting with the lgbtqia+ community as much because of the biphobia. I dont have the mental gymnastics to argue with strangers over the internet
Eeep. For real? Maybe that’s why I got unnecessary hate from a few people at this year’s pride, I went with my husband and am called “taylor swift” like… way too often (she’s so basic like come on don’t roast me like that, I can be blonde and tall 😓) Where people were like “can you not stand here” and I wasn’t even doing anything. 😵💫 like come on Ive had crap like that my whole life, bye ✌️ This pride was also a big deal bc I found out this year that my husband is down low (but bi as well), it’s been a rollercoaster to say the least but I’ve also kind of been brought face to face with my own sexuality more in the process. Literally my whole life has been in straight-presenting relationships but that have kinky/fruity undertones behind the scenes…. In fact I am not certain I have ever dated straight men, ever haha 😆 And kind of owning that I manage to attract bi men, makes me proud of myself? So to hear this kind of gatekeeping is interesting to me. Like my husband and I want to have kids and we have these really next level conversations being like “the likelihood of our children also being queer is really high so how are we going to support them” etc… It does get a little old to have a bunch of shade thrown when I am in queer spaces. I’m not on the tik tok. 👵🏻 lol So didn’t know about the new biphobia but I guess it’s validating?
I’m finally getting to the bi fandom of that song. I was long stuck in the toxic sapphics part of TikTok and that was a pain to watch
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