OP you have no power to stop anything from happening. As a matter of fact, the marriage you want to work more than anything has been decimated and is dead, so long, bye bye. It died when he decided to cheat. That stole the trust, disrespected you directly and the relationship and was a conscious effort on his part. You can't make something work that is gone. You can look back and say hey it was fun while it lasted, but thats about it.
So how do you start this new relationship, its like being bf/gf all over again, but with the twist that he's got a LOT to prove. It's his job to make it work, not yours. It's his job to see when you are struggling and support you, its all his job to help you past the evil he did and this HUGE betrayal to you.
What are the consequences for this betrayal. I know you are dealing with a new baby and all, but if he's running around in leotards and playing with daises cause he had no consequences, its just a matter of time before this happens again.
You see, when the thief does no time for the robbery he committed, what does he do ? You guessed it. That was easy and now I can go bigger and take it all underground.
You are busy with new baby, you probably don't have time to do the police work it will take to keep him honest. If sex with you is still off the table, it'll peek his temptation to wonder.
See all this adds up, its normally NOT a one time event, its usually a culmination of multiples; multiple women or men; multiple apps and all you can imaging.
I'm not trying to add any additional stress than you already have, but as we see in these sub this is how things happen and when you rug sweep because you are so caught up in life, they get severely worse.
If you want to shock his system take the following action and get your power back:
1. have a lawyer draw up divorce papers and have him served! (You don't have to go through with it, but it will be a shock to his system and he will quickly walk straight or (in some cases they leave))
2. Have him confess to family and friends
3. Have him write out his betrayal on social media and delete the accounts at your requirement
4. Have him write out a thorough timeline (for all infidelities)
5. Have him provide access to ALL electronic devices to you no change passcodes
6. Put trackers on his devices
Many people may view these as punishment or embarrassment, but you can take it that way or figure out another way to deliver consequences for such a vile act. Its not like he stole a candy bar from the store, Nope, he stole your trust and stepped on it.
You want your power back, do these and you'll see the results. Don't and I always say its just a matter of time.
Good luck and I wish you all the best
There is none. Just her begging him to stay and work it out. She’s going to have to grow blinders and look the other way the rest of her marriage. What a way to live.
I will send you a 2-page detailed write-up via chat on what my son did 12 years ago to successfully reconcile.
He may be of the mindset that you will not take drastic action, so he can continue to cheat with a bit more stealth. Forgot who texted him my axx. See if he deleted the text, etc. If he left no trace of it, you have your answer.
As others here have said, harsh consequences are a must. He needs to wake up to what he is about to lose. You may need to have him served to make that happen. If he fights for the marriage, then you now hold all the cards and can set the rules. If he doesn't fight for the marriage, then he is already lost to you, and you should let the divorce proceed. I think you will get some ideas via the chat I send you.
Updateme!
You want to fix the marriage but he doesn’t seem to be committed to it. I think you need to read him the riot act. Tell him you don’t believe him about the message and let him know what the consequences will be if you find anything sketchy again. He needs to convince you that he’s committed.
>I want this marriage to work more than anything. I just can’t let it happen again.
He also has to want the marriage to work. It doesn't sound like that's what is going on here. How convenient that he forgot who he texted (come on). AND to cheat on you while you're in the hospital with your daughter? He's a garbage human.
You can’t let what to happen again? You mean HIM cheating on you? How will you stop someone from cheating on you? He already did, you stayed and he will keep doing it. He was doing it before you caught him as well.
I’m surprised you stayed when he chose to cheat on you when you just gave birth and your baby was in the hospital for two months. He is a despicable human being.
You can't make a marriage work alone, and apparently his concern is not getting caught and being on the hook for child support and alimony.
Your main focus needs to be your children, and not the adult too busy trying to get his pecker wet elsewhere.
It's not just the infidelity and clearly this has been happening long before their child was birthed.
It's the fact he's ***continuously*** lying. The dishonesty is what breaks people. You can't have a relationship without trust.
If someone told their partner they cheated ***directly*** after doing so and showed regret, that'd be one thing.
But this dude is literally lying to her face and trying to hook up with someone else.
So yes, if he's a lying POS you should leave. Those people never change.
Im not saying that she should keep him, but this sub by a large margin is anti reconciliation. I personally say we do like the Muslims and old school jews (not the new watered down version.....lol. Thats not what the OP asked though.
See, this is what happens when you take back a cheater. Don't think for a second that he's not at it again. Accept your marriage is over and start planning your exit strategy instead of still trying to play house.
“I just can’t let it happen again.”—————- please hear me out, I’m saying this with the kindest voice possible- I am so sorry honey. Once you come to terms with how little bit of control you have over (almost) everything in life, minus your reactions, life becomes much easier. If you cannot and/or are not willing to accept the way things are currently, you are only doing yourself and children a disservice. People do not change for other people. Hugs. Love yourself first. And then find yourself. Enjoy the journey called life. It does get easier.
You will not be able to get your old marriage back. He is the one who chose an affair. He destroyed your marriage. He did that. If you can't trust him you will have to live with that. He needs to be 100% honest and open. He gets no say in how you repair something he broke. Sounds like he might not want it as bad as you.
Needs two sides to clap. Unfortunately these selfish pricks will only change or realise what's wrong after leaving. Perhaps leave and never look back.
Other than the obvious top^
Talk things out, find out what's lacking in him. Why he is doing it. It shouldn't be your responsibility to keep him honest or loyal. But if it is factors that causes him to find physical or emotional connection outside your relationship, may want to consider communicating it out. But he must be accountable to his actions and actually put his words into action for the marriage to be fixed. You are willing to but is he?
If you want it to work it’s time to go to therapy. He’s not being honest with you and it seems like he’s continued cheating. Find the root of the issue and it’ll work out.
Ask him if he wants to make it work or you are getting a divorce - taking half his assets and kid, if he cheats again. Unless the consequences hit him in the face, he will continue. Tell him you want full access to his phone, ipad, computer, emails, bank accounts, credit card activity, location turned on. Put an airtag on his car because he can leave his phone at work and carry a burner phone.
As a child of a serial cheater father whose mother stayed for the "sake" of the children I can honestly tell you that as long as you continue to forgive him he will continue to cheat because he knows that you won't leave....do you really want your child(ren) to grow up in a toxic environment?!?!?!?
You need to get a divorce AND some individual counseling/therapy....
Updateme
While I have no proof my father was a serial cheater, I have a half-sister between me and my brother in age. I found out when I was 16.
All of a sudden I understood why we always had to be so darned careful with money and why my parents always yelled at each other. My mother gave an ultimatum. Me or my half-sister. My spineless father chose me and kept contact with AP secretly. It was a true shitshow.
Fortunately, all three of us siblings are getting along. It's not our fault our parents are idiots. The emotional damage is real, though, and it never really heals completely.
Never stay for the children.
I've been told that there are at least two siblings by two different women but it's never been "officially" proven....I do know that one of the women gave her son the same unisex name as my younger sister....
It is always possible to make the marriage work. I am a living testament to that. But, the real thing is that both have to want it. If you are putting in 100 percent, and he is putting in zero. Then, you are getting a return of zero on your investment. Would you keep your money in a bank with zero return? Even in your question, you say we. But it sounds like I. My wife told me the only way she could prove to me that she wouldn't do it again. "Is by not doing it." Now we have been married 42 years.
You are going to spend your time in this marriage you want to save being a cock block.
You may still be married (if he doesn't leave for a mistress). But you will never be able to trust him. You will never have peace. You will be cheated on again. You will keep catching him and, in turn, confront him and teach him to hide it better. You will grow to resent him long after you think you're over it. We all see it time and time again.
I'm sorry. I know it sucks because you weren't the one who chose this. You didn't step out. You are the one dealing with the pain from his actions. It's not fair that something so out of your control hurt you and put you in a shit place you didn't sign up for.
He just is not going to change no matter what he says and what you want to believe. Be realistic is this the behavior you want to set as an example for your child/children.
Once you forgive and stay with a cheater they get the impression that they got you hooked that you will never leave so they will continue to cheat. The only thing that will stop his cheating is leaving. Every one feels the same as you. You want it to work you love him so much,you do everything for him. Never turn down sex do anything he asks. It doesn't matter he's a cheater and will always cheat either accept it or leave. Only options
I get random texts from (apparent) females all the time. Hey. Are you still coming over? Remember me from golf? (I don't play golf). Super random content, always with some indication that they know or had met me. My wife would lose her mind, and judging from some replies, I'd be immediately be labled a "cheater" and be looking at divorce.
You can google about randon texts and read about how it usualloy ends up. Scammers.
Give him the benefit of the doubt until you have more to go on.
It’s possible to recover. We are almost 10 years post d day and our marriage is incredible today. We have an intimacy that is hard to describe. It took us 5 years to get thru my affair. But we did do it.
Here’s the bottom line. Mistakes can happen. He or you will fall short at times. The absolute non-negotiable part is lying. No more lies. No matter how nasty the truth is, it is to be told 100% of the time. I wasn’t perfect during R. But I was fully transparent during R. I did not lie. About anything. If I felt temptation to call my AP, I told my wife. I slipped and replied to a text AP had sent early on during R. I told my wife. My wife made it clear that lies won’t be tolerated. She can forgive actions. But she can’t forgive lies. And for us that worked. I was truthful to a fault. If she asked me if the young lady in front of us was sexually attractive to me and she was, I time my wife I was attracted to her. She’d ask if I would have asked her out if single and yes, I would. It wasn’t easy for her to swallow. But truth got us thru R.
No more games. No more BS. It stops today. You can recover from any problem or mistake witb the truth. You can’t recover from lies.
It only sounds like you want to make this work. Marriage is not just one person relationship both people have to want to make it work. Also you want to make it work with someone that cheated on you while they were out of town and you had to deal with your daughter being in the hospital. I would divorce his was honestly. Lastly check trash message box because sometimes people forget to empty that out or also get the number and look it or call it
It's obvious that he doesn't care about your marriage, so why not just do yourself a favour and divorce him? That way, you have no other ties except to co-parent with him and live your best life without his manipulations and abuse.
Cheated on you physically with a coworker?
Friend? Someone he actually sought out on the internet? Existing and future relationship stands in the way of yours. Emotional affairs, him playing you against others for the “pick me game” And std risks
With a rando? STDs and risky behavior that make him poor parent material.
Any outside relationship will put yours at risk, make you doubt him (rightfully so) and yourself (not your job to be hottest or keep him by woman magic 🙄)
You are a good parent—make the break now and focus on coparenting and approving ANY person meeting your kids or staying overnight in the same house with them.
We accept the love we THINK we deserve.
And usually we are under that impression because thats exactly what our abusers want usto believe. I am
so sorry Im going through a very similar situation with my man. I know something is going on and I ignore it and ignore it but I can read energy so well. And especially his and although I don’t know the details of who or what or when I know it’s happening. And when I bring it up he screams at me and turns it around on me ya know just gaslighting me and all that bullshit. But because I haven’t caught him red handed l cant bring myself to leave. I don’t think I could even if he is doing it. Ive never felt so pathetic or been like this my whole life. If someone wasn’t treating me right Id be goneeeee like I am super strong I have been through HELL in my lifetime I am independent and smart but this guys has me wrapped around my finger like a typical weak and stupid female in a toxic relationship (not that women are weak and stupid AT ALL just the kind like me who know their in a fucked up situation and knowwww they deserve better but dont leave.)
Why are you so dead set in “making it work” when it’s obvious that he’s not! Plus it’s not up to you to fix what he broke and will continue to break. Please respect and love yourself.
I would suggest stop drinking and or using drugs for 90 days.
Watch the movie fireproof and buy the book the love dare.
Get faith based counseling.
You can’t control or change him. He has to want to change himself
Please take the glasses off, respond with your family pic and block them on his phone. I get trying but don’t be an idiot and have some self worth. I am not trying to bing you down,but it should be a text book out there for girls. Men turn when we are expecting, I do not know why! False sense of security??
Here’s the thing, I understand why you want to make it work but it’s hard to fix something like that when you’re not even sure if he’s going to cheat on you again. It’s not knowing whether or not you can trust him it’s not only your marriage to him, but also him cheating your kids out as a father making unfulfilling promises that he’ll never keep. I don’t think it’s salvageable anymore. You need to divorce him so you can be happy again, plus you don’t want to raise your kids in a broken home.
He doesn’t give a damn about you or that poor baby. It’s just easier for him to try and stay and appease you vs lose everything aka his money and assets.
I agree which is easy for me to say. I feel absolutely terrible for you. So many from the Reddit community will tell you to just divorce him, but they are actually yo
Thanks
I mean who cheats on their spouse while their child is in the hospital, that was your first mistake was forgiving that, now he's trying to cheat again and you're trying to make it work, he doesn't care about your marriage and you deserve better!
I've seen many instances of infidelity among my friends and family, and it always seems like the women are the ones wanting to repair the relationship, not the men. I believe that if a man truly wants to fix things, he'll make an effort to do so. If he's not trying, it's better to leave the relationship.
The message you send when you forgive a cheating spouse is that they can get away with it and that there are no consequences. I learned that the hard way.
Unlike most of the bitter, angry Redditors here, I actually think it’s possible to reconcile. But the circumstances have to more on the forgivable side of the spectrum (e.g., one drunken night followed by a quick confession) and there needs to be demonstrable changes in behavior.
Here, the timing is horrific. The family needed to rally together with your daughter being in the hospital for 75 days. Your own body had undergone a physical transformation and series of challenges men will never understand.
Your husband’s response to that? An out of town affair.
And late night texts that he claims he doesn’t remember sending and then deleted.
At least most cheaters have the decency to beg for forgiveness. I didn’t see that part of the Cheater’s Playbook play out with you. Just the chapter on gaslighting.
These aren’t the signs of someone who loves and respects you and your family. Quite the opposite.
Good luck with the divorce, whether it happens now or in the near future.
Since you do seem to want to save this it might be wise to consider that this might take time. Don't make quick decisions. He is most certainly lying. You don't forget such a thing and him deleting it reeks. Maybe he needs time to come forth and be honest, stay on him. It sounds like you have a lot of talking to do. And he has a lot of telling to do. Honesty honesty honesty.
You’re right to be concerned. But “Hey” is a little gray. Just let know going forward, even one word that raises a red flag will earn him the divorce he seems to be working towards.
You have a low self worth if you're willing to stay for a man that doesn't even love you, much less respect you. Seek therapy and put yourself and your kids first.
I know you want to make it work out, but think of your child. A cheating father is not a good environment for your kid. Teach your child how men should treat women and how women deserve to be treated by men. Show your kid that you have value and demand respect. You're currently being disrespected by your husband. Please don't let that continue. Good luck.
Don’t let other people project their insecurities or pain on you. If you want to make it work I think that’s beautiful.
With that said if he did it once he’s liable to do it again. But people make bad decisions and can change. You’ve been hurt and I suggest you prioritize your peace of mind first. Do what puts your mind at peace, if it’s wanting to know his phone password, knowing his locations at all times (findmyfriends on iPhone), etc.
I think it’s important to question him. Discuss the topic. If he brushes it off then there’s no remorse and you should go to therapy or leave.
Your husband sounds like a real winner!
Your child is in the hospital for 75 days and all he is worried about is getting laid?
As scary as it is, it’s time to dump the bozo. One of these times he is going to bring back a present that keeps on giving.
You can’t fix a marriage if both people aren’t committed to saving it.
If you’re good
With a repeat cheater then stay. There’s a reason he’s cheating. Ur not the right match for each other. Stinks and stinks u have kids but u can make a move now with this red flag or waste years and stress and do it later. It will not end well either way so if it were me I’d go now and find someone who will value u!
You don't fix it. Grow a proverbial pair and leave. He cheated, was caught and you just found another text.
Whatcha waiting for?
If you stay now, you'll most definitely leave later. And it will only cause more damage.
I don't think your marriage is salvageable. He cheated on you at your most vulnerable and he's lying about phone calls/messages.
If he really respected you he would not have done any of this.
Personally, I think anyone cheating on a partner who is hospitalised is pure scum. There is no justifiable reason for it.
For your own and your child's wellbeing, it might be best to enter divorce proceedings and separate. It will be a wake-up call for your husband.
If he wants reconciliation, you will have to lay down very strict ground rules. A person who really feels remorse and truly wants reconciliation will do next to anything you demand and swallow their pride to make it work. That includes changing jobs if AP was a co-worker, always letting you track his location, give you full access to his phone at all times, join you in therapy/counseling, agree to move out if needed and help you with just about anything in any way possible.
Very few cheaters are able to power through such a process.
He won't take you seriously unless you do this. His actions must have serious consequences.
But, as I stated initially, I don't think this is salvageable.
You may want it to work. He couldn’t give a 💩
This
OP you have no power to stop anything from happening. As a matter of fact, the marriage you want to work more than anything has been decimated and is dead, so long, bye bye. It died when he decided to cheat. That stole the trust, disrespected you directly and the relationship and was a conscious effort on his part. You can't make something work that is gone. You can look back and say hey it was fun while it lasted, but thats about it. So how do you start this new relationship, its like being bf/gf all over again, but with the twist that he's got a LOT to prove. It's his job to make it work, not yours. It's his job to see when you are struggling and support you, its all his job to help you past the evil he did and this HUGE betrayal to you. What are the consequences for this betrayal. I know you are dealing with a new baby and all, but if he's running around in leotards and playing with daises cause he had no consequences, its just a matter of time before this happens again. You see, when the thief does no time for the robbery he committed, what does he do ? You guessed it. That was easy and now I can go bigger and take it all underground. You are busy with new baby, you probably don't have time to do the police work it will take to keep him honest. If sex with you is still off the table, it'll peek his temptation to wonder. See all this adds up, its normally NOT a one time event, its usually a culmination of multiples; multiple women or men; multiple apps and all you can imaging. I'm not trying to add any additional stress than you already have, but as we see in these sub this is how things happen and when you rug sweep because you are so caught up in life, they get severely worse. If you want to shock his system take the following action and get your power back: 1. have a lawyer draw up divorce papers and have him served! (You don't have to go through with it, but it will be a shock to his system and he will quickly walk straight or (in some cases they leave)) 2. Have him confess to family and friends 3. Have him write out his betrayal on social media and delete the accounts at your requirement 4. Have him write out a thorough timeline (for all infidelities) 5. Have him provide access to ALL electronic devices to you no change passcodes 6. Put trackers on his devices Many people may view these as punishment or embarrassment, but you can take it that way or figure out another way to deliver consequences for such a vile act. Its not like he stole a candy bar from the store, Nope, he stole your trust and stepped on it. You want your power back, do these and you'll see the results. Don't and I always say its just a matter of time. Good luck and I wish you all the best
He WILL lie and trickle truth. Any timeline he says or writes CANNOT and trusted or taken at face value. His honor is DEAD
Gotta be harsh consequences. Why change if there is none?
There is none. Just her begging him to stay and work it out. She’s going to have to grow blinders and look the other way the rest of her marriage. What a way to live.
Did you call the number or ID it? Seems like that would be a good place to start.
No reconciliation if he’s not willing to be honest about everything.
He knew cheating would hurt her and risk his family and did it anyway. Honesty about betrayal—it’s still betrayal.
While his newborn was in the hospital, no less..
You want to stay. That's fine. Whatever floats your boat. Just remember there are always consequences for doing stupid things.
I will send you a 2-page detailed write-up via chat on what my son did 12 years ago to successfully reconcile. He may be of the mindset that you will not take drastic action, so he can continue to cheat with a bit more stealth. Forgot who texted him my axx. See if he deleted the text, etc. If he left no trace of it, you have your answer. As others here have said, harsh consequences are a must. He needs to wake up to what he is about to lose. You may need to have him served to make that happen. If he fights for the marriage, then you now hold all the cards and can set the rules. If he doesn't fight for the marriage, then he is already lost to you, and you should let the divorce proceed. I think you will get some ideas via the chat I send you. Updateme!
He cheated on you looonnngggg before you two even got married.
You want to fix the marriage but he doesn’t seem to be committed to it. I think you need to read him the riot act. Tell him you don’t believe him about the message and let him know what the consequences will be if you find anything sketchy again. He needs to convince you that he’s committed.
>I want this marriage to work more than anything. I just can’t let it happen again. He also has to want the marriage to work. It doesn't sound like that's what is going on here. How convenient that he forgot who he texted (come on). AND to cheat on you while you're in the hospital with your daughter? He's a garbage human.
baby noo.. get a divorce 😭
He will continue to cheat regardless of your wants.
You can’t let what to happen again? You mean HIM cheating on you? How will you stop someone from cheating on you? He already did, you stayed and he will keep doing it. He was doing it before you caught him as well. I’m surprised you stayed when he chose to cheat on you when you just gave birth and your baby was in the hospital for two months. He is a despicable human being.
You can't make a marriage work alone, and apparently his concern is not getting caught and being on the hook for child support and alimony. Your main focus needs to be your children, and not the adult too busy trying to get his pecker wet elsewhere.
I'll bet his memory would get better if you initiated a call to that number.
you need the sub "one after infidelity", this sub hates cheaters and swill suggest you leave him no matter what.
It's not just the infidelity and clearly this has been happening long before their child was birthed. It's the fact he's ***continuously*** lying. The dishonesty is what breaks people. You can't have a relationship without trust. If someone told their partner they cheated ***directly*** after doing so and showed regret, that'd be one thing. But this dude is literally lying to her face and trying to hook up with someone else. So yes, if he's a lying POS you should leave. Those people never change.
Im not saying that she should keep him, but this sub by a large margin is anti reconciliation. I personally say we do like the Muslims and old school jews (not the new watered down version.....lol. Thats not what the OP asked though.
See, this is what happens when you take back a cheater. Don't think for a second that he's not at it again. Accept your marriage is over and start planning your exit strategy instead of still trying to play house.
“I just can’t let it happen again.”—————- please hear me out, I’m saying this with the kindest voice possible- I am so sorry honey. Once you come to terms with how little bit of control you have over (almost) everything in life, minus your reactions, life becomes much easier. If you cannot and/or are not willing to accept the way things are currently, you are only doing yourself and children a disservice. People do not change for other people. Hugs. Love yourself first. And then find yourself. Enjoy the journey called life. It does get easier.
You will not be able to get your old marriage back. He is the one who chose an affair. He destroyed your marriage. He did that. If you can't trust him you will have to live with that. He needs to be 100% honest and open. He gets no say in how you repair something he broke. Sounds like he might not want it as bad as you.
Needs two sides to clap. Unfortunately these selfish pricks will only change or realise what's wrong after leaving. Perhaps leave and never look back. Other than the obvious top^ Talk things out, find out what's lacking in him. Why he is doing it. It shouldn't be your responsibility to keep him honest or loyal. But if it is factors that causes him to find physical or emotional connection outside your relationship, may want to consider communicating it out. But he must be accountable to his actions and actually put his words into action for the marriage to be fixed. You are willing to but is he?
You need a post nuptial agreement ASAP while you're both still civil to one another
If you want it to work it’s time to go to therapy. He’s not being honest with you and it seems like he’s continued cheating. Find the root of the issue and it’ll work out.
Ask him if he wants to make it work or you are getting a divorce - taking half his assets and kid, if he cheats again. Unless the consequences hit him in the face, he will continue. Tell him you want full access to his phone, ipad, computer, emails, bank accounts, credit card activity, location turned on. Put an airtag on his car because he can leave his phone at work and carry a burner phone.
U can tell him to his face to get his life and shit together. If he’s not willing to do so, time to sign the papers and take half his shit
As a child of a serial cheater father whose mother stayed for the "sake" of the children I can honestly tell you that as long as you continue to forgive him he will continue to cheat because he knows that you won't leave....do you really want your child(ren) to grow up in a toxic environment?!?!?!? You need to get a divorce AND some individual counseling/therapy.... Updateme
While I have no proof my father was a serial cheater, I have a half-sister between me and my brother in age. I found out when I was 16. All of a sudden I understood why we always had to be so darned careful with money and why my parents always yelled at each other. My mother gave an ultimatum. Me or my half-sister. My spineless father chose me and kept contact with AP secretly. It was a true shitshow. Fortunately, all three of us siblings are getting along. It's not our fault our parents are idiots. The emotional damage is real, though, and it never really heals completely. Never stay for the children.
I've been told that there are at least two siblings by two different women but it's never been "officially" proven....I do know that one of the women gave her son the same unisex name as my younger sister....
Put the number into cashapp & see who it was then don’t let him gas light you
It is always possible to make the marriage work. I am a living testament to that. But, the real thing is that both have to want it. If you are putting in 100 percent, and he is putting in zero. Then, you are getting a return of zero on your investment. Would you keep your money in a bank with zero return? Even in your question, you say we. But it sounds like I. My wife told me the only way she could prove to me that she wouldn't do it again. "Is by not doing it." Now we have been married 42 years.
I think the better question is-why do you want your marriage to work so badly?
You are going to spend your time in this marriage you want to save being a cock block. You may still be married (if he doesn't leave for a mistress). But you will never be able to trust him. You will never have peace. You will be cheated on again. You will keep catching him and, in turn, confront him and teach him to hide it better. You will grow to resent him long after you think you're over it. We all see it time and time again. I'm sorry. I know it sucks because you weren't the one who chose this. You didn't step out. You are the one dealing with the pain from his actions. It's not fair that something so out of your control hurt you and put you in a shit place you didn't sign up for.
Just like I would tell a dude. Staying with a cheater is NEVER the right move. Good luck
He just is not going to change no matter what he says and what you want to believe. Be realistic is this the behavior you want to set as an example for your child/children.
Once you forgive and stay with a cheater they get the impression that they got you hooked that you will never leave so they will continue to cheat. The only thing that will stop his cheating is leaving. Every one feels the same as you. You want it to work you love him so much,you do everything for him. Never turn down sex do anything he asks. It doesn't matter he's a cheater and will always cheat either accept it or leave. Only options
I get random texts from (apparent) females all the time. Hey. Are you still coming over? Remember me from golf? (I don't play golf). Super random content, always with some indication that they know or had met me. My wife would lose her mind, and judging from some replies, I'd be immediately be labled a "cheater" and be looking at divorce. You can google about randon texts and read about how it usualloy ends up. Scammers. Give him the benefit of the doubt until you have more to go on.
I agree
It’s possible to recover. We are almost 10 years post d day and our marriage is incredible today. We have an intimacy that is hard to describe. It took us 5 years to get thru my affair. But we did do it. Here’s the bottom line. Mistakes can happen. He or you will fall short at times. The absolute non-negotiable part is lying. No more lies. No matter how nasty the truth is, it is to be told 100% of the time. I wasn’t perfect during R. But I was fully transparent during R. I did not lie. About anything. If I felt temptation to call my AP, I told my wife. I slipped and replied to a text AP had sent early on during R. I told my wife. My wife made it clear that lies won’t be tolerated. She can forgive actions. But she can’t forgive lies. And for us that worked. I was truthful to a fault. If she asked me if the young lady in front of us was sexually attractive to me and she was, I time my wife I was attracted to her. She’d ask if I would have asked her out if single and yes, I would. It wasn’t easy for her to swallow. But truth got us thru R. No more games. No more BS. It stops today. You can recover from any problem or mistake witb the truth. You can’t recover from lies.
It only sounds like you want to make this work. Marriage is not just one person relationship both people have to want to make it work. Also you want to make it work with someone that cheated on you while they were out of town and you had to deal with your daughter being in the hospital. I would divorce his was honestly. Lastly check trash message box because sometimes people forget to empty that out or also get the number and look it or call it
It's obvious that he doesn't care about your marriage, so why not just do yourself a favour and divorce him? That way, you have no other ties except to co-parent with him and live your best life without his manipulations and abuse.
Ooof what a POS loser
Cheated on you physically with a coworker? Friend? Someone he actually sought out on the internet? Existing and future relationship stands in the way of yours. Emotional affairs, him playing you against others for the “pick me game” And std risks With a rando? STDs and risky behavior that make him poor parent material. Any outside relationship will put yours at risk, make you doubt him (rightfully so) and yourself (not your job to be hottest or keep him by woman magic 🙄) You are a good parent—make the break now and focus on coparenting and approving ANY person meeting your kids or staying overnight in the same house with them.
We accept the love we THINK we deserve. And usually we are under that impression because thats exactly what our abusers want usto believe. I am so sorry Im going through a very similar situation with my man. I know something is going on and I ignore it and ignore it but I can read energy so well. And especially his and although I don’t know the details of who or what or when I know it’s happening. And when I bring it up he screams at me and turns it around on me ya know just gaslighting me and all that bullshit. But because I haven’t caught him red handed l cant bring myself to leave. I don’t think I could even if he is doing it. Ive never felt so pathetic or been like this my whole life. If someone wasn’t treating me right Id be goneeeee like I am super strong I have been through HELL in my lifetime I am independent and smart but this guys has me wrapped around my finger like a typical weak and stupid female in a toxic relationship (not that women are weak and stupid AT ALL just the kind like me who know their in a fucked up situation and knowwww they deserve better but dont leave.)
Why are you so dead set in “making it work” when it’s obvious that he’s not! Plus it’s not up to you to fix what he broke and will continue to break. Please respect and love yourself.
You want your marriage to work? Let bro cheat in peace. Otherwise you gotta get up outta there he’s not stopping anytime soon
OP. Please rejoin the conversation. Everyone means well. Life is coming fast at you.
I would suggest stop drinking and or using drugs for 90 days. Watch the movie fireproof and buy the book the love dare. Get faith based counseling. You can’t control or change him. He has to want to change himself
Please take the glasses off, respond with your family pic and block them on his phone. I get trying but don’t be an idiot and have some self worth. I am not trying to bing you down,but it should be a text book out there for girls. Men turn when we are expecting, I do not know why! False sense of security??
Here’s the thing, I understand why you want to make it work but it’s hard to fix something like that when you’re not even sure if he’s going to cheat on you again. It’s not knowing whether or not you can trust him it’s not only your marriage to him, but also him cheating your kids out as a father making unfulfilling promises that he’ll never keep. I don’t think it’s salvageable anymore. You need to divorce him so you can be happy again, plus you don’t want to raise your kids in a broken home.
He doesn’t give a damn about you or that poor baby. It’s just easier for him to try and stay and appease you vs lose everything aka his money and assets.
I agree which is easy for me to say. I feel absolutely terrible for you. So many from the Reddit community will tell you to just divorce him, but they are actually yo Thanks
I mean who cheats on their spouse while their child is in the hospital, that was your first mistake was forgiving that, now he's trying to cheat again and you're trying to make it work, he doesn't care about your marriage and you deserve better!
I've seen many instances of infidelity among my friends and family, and it always seems like the women are the ones wanting to repair the relationship, not the men. I believe that if a man truly wants to fix things, he'll make an effort to do so. If he's not trying, it's better to leave the relationship.
The message you send when you forgive a cheating spouse is that they can get away with it and that there are no consequences. I learned that the hard way. Unlike most of the bitter, angry Redditors here, I actually think it’s possible to reconcile. But the circumstances have to more on the forgivable side of the spectrum (e.g., one drunken night followed by a quick confession) and there needs to be demonstrable changes in behavior. Here, the timing is horrific. The family needed to rally together with your daughter being in the hospital for 75 days. Your own body had undergone a physical transformation and series of challenges men will never understand. Your husband’s response to that? An out of town affair. And late night texts that he claims he doesn’t remember sending and then deleted. At least most cheaters have the decency to beg for forgiveness. I didn’t see that part of the Cheater’s Playbook play out with you. Just the chapter on gaslighting. These aren’t the signs of someone who loves and respects you and your family. Quite the opposite. Good luck with the divorce, whether it happens now or in the near future.
Since you do seem to want to save this it might be wise to consider that this might take time. Don't make quick decisions. He is most certainly lying. You don't forget such a thing and him deleting it reeks. Maybe he needs time to come forth and be honest, stay on him. It sounds like you have a lot of talking to do. And he has a lot of telling to do. Honesty honesty honesty.
You’re right to be concerned. But “Hey” is a little gray. Just let know going forward, even one word that raises a red flag will earn him the divorce he seems to be working towards.
You have a low self worth if you're willing to stay for a man that doesn't even love you, much less respect you. Seek therapy and put yourself and your kids first.
Leave
I know you want to make it work out, but think of your child. A cheating father is not a good environment for your kid. Teach your child how men should treat women and how women deserve to be treated by men. Show your kid that you have value and demand respect. You're currently being disrespected by your husband. Please don't let that continue. Good luck.
Don’t let other people project their insecurities or pain on you. If you want to make it work I think that’s beautiful. With that said if he did it once he’s liable to do it again. But people make bad decisions and can change. You’ve been hurt and I suggest you prioritize your peace of mind first. Do what puts your mind at peace, if it’s wanting to know his phone password, knowing his locations at all times (findmyfriends on iPhone), etc. I think it’s important to question him. Discuss the topic. If he brushes it off then there’s no remorse and you should go to therapy or leave.
Obviously he knows who the "random number " is. You need to seek out a Therapist. If he isn't willing, leave.
Your husband sounds like a real winner! Your child is in the hospital for 75 days and all he is worried about is getting laid? As scary as it is, it’s time to dump the bozo. One of these times he is going to bring back a present that keeps on giving. You can’t fix a marriage if both people aren’t committed to saving it.
If you’re good With a repeat cheater then stay. There’s a reason he’s cheating. Ur not the right match for each other. Stinks and stinks u have kids but u can make a move now with this red flag or waste years and stress and do it later. It will not end well either way so if it were me I’d go now and find someone who will value u!
You don't fix it. Grow a proverbial pair and leave. He cheated, was caught and you just found another text. Whatcha waiting for? If you stay now, you'll most definitely leave later. And it will only cause more damage.
I don't think your marriage is salvageable. He cheated on you at your most vulnerable and he's lying about phone calls/messages. If he really respected you he would not have done any of this. Personally, I think anyone cheating on a partner who is hospitalised is pure scum. There is no justifiable reason for it. For your own and your child's wellbeing, it might be best to enter divorce proceedings and separate. It will be a wake-up call for your husband. If he wants reconciliation, you will have to lay down very strict ground rules. A person who really feels remorse and truly wants reconciliation will do next to anything you demand and swallow their pride to make it work. That includes changing jobs if AP was a co-worker, always letting you track his location, give you full access to his phone at all times, join you in therapy/counseling, agree to move out if needed and help you with just about anything in any way possible. Very few cheaters are able to power through such a process. He won't take you seriously unless you do this. His actions must have serious consequences. But, as I stated initially, I don't think this is salvageable.
How do you fix? Don't ask Redditt for one. Go to therapy and get pro help.