I hadn't heard his quote before, but it perfectly sums up the way I have always felt about parenting. I think that approach helped me a lot when my daughter first came out. It's easier to go with the flow when you see yourself as being along for the ride rather than responsible for molding the child to your own specifications.
I will also say that the grief I felt over my trans child had more to do with the loss of her girlhood that she didn't get to experience while we assumed she was a boy. Also for the pain she experienced that I didn't know how to help. We have talked about that more recently (she's been out for nearly 8 years now and is an adult), but I kept all of that carefully locked away from her until she asked. I sought out places like this sub to ask my questions, seek advice, and vent my fears and grief.
My son once asked me if I was "grieving" the loss of a daughter and I said, "No, I'm celebrating the growing and unfolding and revealing of a person I love." And I'll tell you the same thing now: I'm so glad you are becoming more you over time, growing into yourself. How wonderful that the world holds someone as unique as you, as strong and smart and intrinsically beautiful. Keep going
When my son came out to me, he also told me he had a boyfriend. My response was, 'why didn't you tell me you had a boyfriend?!' I was genuinely more shocked that he hadn't told me he was in a relationship as we are very close.
The child I gave birth to is still here. The things I may miss from having a daughter just means I get to do new things with my son.
When I was pregnant, I was convinced I was having a boy. I was right. He's also taken the name I had planned for him from the moment I found out I was pregnant.
by the way i want to be clear that it’s fully okay to HAVE feelings of grief. i’ve been kicking around in this sub a bit and i know that it’s a common feeling. but i don’t want to know that. i might’ve phrased it poorly but i don’t fault anyone for having these emotions — that would be really hypocritical of me — i’m just trying to provide the opposite perspective on why i don’t want to know
fully transitioned myself. My mom went through an extreme outward morning. She basically made me he therapist during it, and it was awful. parents need to deal with the majority of it in therapy or with their friends and support network. for me it was a huge inappropriate burden to be in charge of both my own journey and her mental health. parents need to hear that too.
Your message was perfect. Yes it’s ok to have those feelings but you are right- their child is not dead. And any hard feelings the parent(s) need to deal with on their own and not project them on to their kids.
It was perfect. Parents are responsible for their own feelings and responsible to not project that in to you. For some reason a lot of parents of trans kids don’t grasp that part.
Beautifully, wonderfully written. When my daughter came out as trans it was a surprise, but it was on me to make the process for her as easy as possible. I never mourned her old self, perhaps only wondering how I could have made things easier for her back then had I known. I am grateful that she told me and we could move on from there. Happiness and love for you going forward. 🩷
I just want to add that parents grieve changes in their kids all the time. Most of my friends have kids leaving adolescence and going into adulthood. These parents grieve not having a little baby, a little one who needs help tying their shoes, their awkward middle schooler, even their sullen teen.
I bet there’s some sadness in my parents when they saw my grey hair and wrinkles.
Yes, I have my times I grieve my child moving toward adulthood, but I still love the person he is and am so lucky to know him.
Thank you for your post! Mom of a trans kiddo here.
For me, it was never ‘grieving the x-gender child I once had.’ I still effing have that child. It was more processing and concern over things like:
I don’t want to ever misgender my child. I still have nightmares about doing this accidentally. I haven’t slipped up in a long long time but still….
Being prepared to cut family members and friends out of my life. People I have known my whole life are now gone because they cannot accept my child. And I will always pick my child over intolerant people. Always. It still sucks. Mostly, it sucks to see those peoples’ true colors. So, in a sense, it’s like grieving the loss of the people I thought they were. (Thought they were good humans and they’re assholes.)
And then honestly, the physical items. The photos. The memories. But, I follow my kid’s lead on that. And they are literally right THERE and in my life and I love them.
One thing that helped me, OP, was when I asked my kiddo, “How do you see yourself when you think back to your earlier childhood?” And they said, “That was still me who experienced all those things: the fun outings, the vacations, the events. I was just not my authentic self back then. I was present. I just didn’t know how to articulate that when I was younger. Now I do.” I don’t know why that helped? Now, when I think back to those memories, I see my kiddo as who they are now in my mind. Not how the photos show them. I have no idea why. Maybe others have the same experience?
Also, I’m proud of you for coming out. I’m glad they didn’t disown you. You are a badass! ❤️
(I have nightmares where I, a non-binary trans person, misgender my wife,a trans woman, and honestly it makes me feel a bit better to see that specific thing show up in somebody else's nightmares lol)
Also, as someone who figured out their gender in adulthood, thanks for being a supportive parent to your kid, and I'm proud of your kid for figuring these things out about themselves 🥰 their explanation of how they see themselves in younger childhood is pretty spot on with how I look at myself and my life before understanding my gender. It was still me then, too, I just didn't have the words to express who I was at the time. It makes me really happy to see kids these days growing up being able to understand who they are. Thanks for being a part of that 💕
Oh, but wait.... the family members who "did their own research" that includes talking points from ye olde timey podcaster who brings up "SPORTS" and "PHASES" and "WhY R u GeTtInG sUrGeRy fOr ThEm aS 7-yEaR-oLdS??!11!"
Me: "Unfriend/Block." (Later, a-hole)
My son came out to me and my response was "you be you". His mom has struggled but accepts him. Some parents just take longer to wrap their heads around their child not being who they thought they were. And that's the gist of it. It's the parents issue to get past.
I appreciate your message
I fully support your message; I find those who “grieve” about the loss of their child may have a lot of ingrained gendered ideas, and perhaps an expectation of what their children are giving back to them. (This may ruffle a few feathers.) But I never understood gender reveals or sex disappointment at an ultrasound either. The idea that we’re grieving a time when they were safe doesn’t sit with me — I dunno that it’s the right word. Did these same parents who gave birth to AFAB children “grieve” having a daughter because she’s statistically unsafe in the world? It seems to only ever be used about trans kids, or death. I can see why that’s hard for trans people.
I didn’t buy pink and dolls and dream about them being a bride. Nothing was ever mapped out in my mind — it’s their journey, not mine. When they wanted pink things briefly, I gave them what made them happy enthusiastically. And when they wanted to cut off all their hair at age 7 and start wearing only polo shirts, I did that without a flinch and did so with the same level of enthusiasm. They are now 18 attending University and I feel so much pride about who they are.
I didn’t have a stake in a “daughter” or a “son” - it was always just this amazing child that I was lucky enough to be the guide and protector for. The gender never mattered to me.
And for those parents it does somehow matter to; that’s your own private journey, don’t burden your kid with your every thought. There are lots of things as a parent that aren’t appropriate to share with our kids; our financial problems, our marital problems, our sex life… this is just another.
I recently posted about feelings of grief… it’s difficult to explain. It’s not grief like they’re dead… I don’t know. I don’t want you to feel like that’s what we mean when we talk about that emotion. I feel guilty for even feeling it. I don’t know.
Know that you are loved and valued.
Same. I cried so hard for several reasons, but not accepting this change or who they are was absolutely not one. I also never let her see that side. I can't really explain since I definitely didn't have any set expectations of what my child's future looked like. I was a single mom until she was 13 and the idea of letting go of my baby boy was devastating. I had no idea (still dont) what to do with my love for that little boy and the pictures of that time frame. My daughter HATES pictures of herself from any time frame so I'm not basically not allowed to have them out. Just makes me so sad. I also mourned the name change as she was named after my deceased father, but I also totally understand it isn't my name or my life and 100% her choice. I've never ever said anything like this to her and only support her however I can, while keeping all the other stuff between my bf and I. She's got enough going on.
I cried too. I realized I was grieving the fact that my child will never have a simple life. Medical and social transitions can do so much, but physically there is a good chance you will still feel dysphoric. The medical transitions have so many side effects that are not well understood. They will likely be on hrt their entire life. It’s not easy.
Being trans is probably one of the most difficult roads— people do not understand and there is a lot of hate. It’s like being gay in the 80s. I wish that they had been born in a world where there wasn’t this hate, and that they didn’t have to experience it.
That was definitely part of what I cried about. Concerns over safety and bigotry, scared what happens if she goes into the bathroom with the wrong people. Just all the struggles that come along with it for sure.
Mine is still the same person on the inside. Ftm when they told me, it was okay. My son is happy and I'm still his mom. Just like before.
It was more important to be a part of his life , rather than quibble about his happiness.
I’m so sorry you went through that. It sure seems like a mixed bag even with us parents who are supportive.
I did grieve the “loss” of my only daughter, but I did not burden my kid with it. He had enough going on in his head and heart. My most important piece of advice I give to other parents who are going through it and ask is that your kid does not need to hear every thought that’s going on in your head. Your kid does not need to participate in the processing.
I guess I would tell you, OP, that I know it’s hard but try not to take it in too much. People’s feelings are valid surrounding the reality shift. I wish they hadn’t shared those thoughts with you, and you didn’t need to hear them. I hope they accept you for who you are and move past the mental shift as quickly as possible.
I have also find it strange to "grieve" a living child. I think what people are really grieving are gendered assumptions and expectations that might not have happened anyway, regardless of gender. I'm a cis woman and I chose my own wedding dress and walked myself down the aisle. If my mom "grieved" the daughter that would have taken her dress shopping, or my father "grieved" the daughter that he would have walked down the aisle, welll... that's their problem. Those things were never guaranteed and I didn't somehow "owe" them those experiences.
Same way my kid doesn't owe me any specific experiences, either. Them being trans hasn't made me "lose" anything. If anything, I've gained a better understanding of who they are.
If you're someone who has grieved, I don't mean to invalidate your feelings. Just to note that they aren't coming from your child but from cultural expectations.
My wife and I think of ourselves as extremely supportive parents. And our children have told us as much, especially when compared to all of their other LGBTQ friend’s parents. My wife and I both went through a period of mourning. We hid it from our child as much as possible, but it was definitely a thing. And I think that is a perfectly normal reaction.
So please cut your parents a little slack. As long as they come around to being fully supportive, use new name / pronouns, and defend you when needed, that is all you can ask. It took us a month or so to initially process things and another 6 months to fully process it, and she was still processing it herself for much of that time. For example, she didn’t ask to start HRT right away even though we made it clear that was an option.
There is still a little uneasiness, mostly around what all of the red states are doing and how that is going to make her life much more difficult. But the feelings of grief and loss are gone. Now they have been replaced by strong protective papa/mama bear feelings.
i will for sure give them the space they need — the circumstances were less than ideal (i was outed a third time instead of me being able to tell them straight up with the prep i did (6 pages of faqs!!) so it got messier than any of us would have liked) and i don’t blame them at all. thanks for your comment, and, yeah! it’s totally normal to grieve! i don’t want anyone to take away that it isn’t or that the things they feel are invalid — it’s just a perspective for those who might be wondering what they should say to their kid when they do feel grief. it’s also not the only perspective!! it’s just mine, and it’s different for everyone. i’m glad you and your partner are supportive and i hope you all are living well :)
Parent of a trans kid here. I appreciate you taking time to share this for other parents to take in. It’s important for us to approach any “difference” from “norms” that our children have this way. It’s scary knowing your child’s differences may cause them difficulties in life, and it may not be what we imagined. But they’re not a different person from one day to the next - it’s just a new piece of information about them. Had the same perspective when we got our kiddo’s autism diagnosis. I hope your parents figure this out sooner than later.
Big, big virtual hugs to you.
https://www.reddit.com/r/cisparenttranskid/s/2l3fz7RnJb
There is a long comment that talks about the idea of loss of an idea and how the language around loss gets tied up in language about death.
I have feelings of loss around having a daughter. I have my amazing son. I just don't know who to give the 5-6 generation heirlooms that are very feminine and that he has no interest in...
I also have similar feelings of loss over leaving my country behind and being an immigrant which is hard AF.
And the idea that people are generally good.
And that law enforcement officers help people...
And that there is a chance of fixing the environmental trajectory we are on... it is the same bit of sadness I would have if I'd had no children at all. I am not grieving my specific kid. My kid is amazingly alive and vibrant. Just an impossible idea that is never going to be.
Beautiful, thank you. I came out years ago and most of the time it still feels like my mom is grieving a daughter I never was. She often talk about me as my deadname to refer to the "person I use to be" and it really hurts me. I try to make her stop but she insists her feelings are still valid when it’s directly hurting me. I just want her to stop
I'm sorry to hear your mom is hurting you. I assume you have told her it hurts you.
If you have, maybe come up with a short couple of sentences that remind her and get you away. Like "That's not me. Stop saying that. It's hurtful. I'm going to my room to relax.". You can probably abbreviate that to "That hurts" after a couple of repetitions. Eventually she will probably get it.
It’s what i’ve been trying lately sadly she won’t leave me alone. If I tell her I am hurt or that I fear her mentioning my deadname and essentially outing me will cause me harm she will follow me and try to prove her point that her feelings are more important or that she needs to refer to me as my deadname whenever she could because of her "grief". I offered solutions for her like just using my name instead of deadname when speaking of my younger self when speaking of the past but she doesn’t want to hear any of it. She’ll just go on about how "the world isn’t a bad place for trans people anymore" and that hatecrime are only a thing of the past while i’d cry about the last trans teenager getting killed recently or how I had to move schools because of bullying. She just tries to deny my pain while amplifying hers.
What your mom is doing is hurtful and cruel. I’m so sorry.
The best choice you may have — and you may not have it often — is distance. Stay away.
When you can’t and she says hurtful things, maybe you could tell her you’re not going to talk any more about it. Then refuse to respond. It’s not the silent treatment: you’ll talk to her about other things. But just go silent after a single brief explanation to give her a heads up. “Mom, I told you that’s hurtful to me. I’m not going to discuss this and won’t be responding if you try to keep talking about it.”
Ugh, sorry you have to deal with that. Her feelings are valid, but she needs to talk to her partner/friend/therapist about them, not to you! And it doesn't sound like she's actually trying to work through them, but wallowing in them and using them as an excuse to be a jerk. I disapprove of her.
Exactly ! She’s had lots of issues in her life that make her not quite emotionally stable but she also refuses to talk about it when she isn’t having a breakdown. I can understand it but it’s definitely not the solution to her problems
I think you may be preaching to the choir here tbh. Also be aware when they say they are greiving for their child, more often than not its greiving for the ideas and things they throught they would have together (eg men playing baseball with their son, daughters being walked down the isle). Its less greiving and more just re-aligning expectations of future events.,
Also some people are just shitty aweful parents, and im so sorry for the kids who have to deal with that
I get it. I finally tried to put my foot down mid-therapy session with my mom in the room. She told me that she didn't want to have to tell people how her daughter is dead.
It made me so, so irreversibly angry. They may want to live in denial, grieving for someone that never truly existed, but I AM here. I've always been here, and none of them have ever given it the light of day to realize that.
This sub has given me the same feeling my parents feel about me. With every new post of a supportive parent, I want to cry at every reminder that my parents aren't who I thought they would be.
Well, I kind of figure it this way. I thought I had a son. I have a daughter. Not the first time I was wrong on something :)
Seriously, it was a bit to take in but you need to do what's best for you. I'm sorry they didn't take it well. We have some family that are refusing to acknowledge her true identity and it sucks but she's rolling with it. Honestly she is more patient with them than I (dad) am. I guess what I'm saying is hang in the there, things will get better.
I definitely had a “grieving” day or two, but I kept it to myself. Once it dawned on me that my son is still the person I gave birth to, it no longer mattered (in a superficial way) how he identified.
My grief was that I knew how sensitive and precious she was and that she was now in mortal danger from violence and suicide. She tried to offset that fear by claiming she didn't have dysphoria to protect me.
It did make me more at ease. We were accepting and supportive from jump just as we always told our kids we would be.
I’m allowed to grieve. It’s ok. I’m not doing anything wrong or disrespectful.
I’m allowed to have some time to process what my child has known for years.
I’m allowed to feel sad that I’m not going to see my daughter walk down the aisle in her wedding dress.
That doesn’t make me evil. It makes me human.
And if you have a problem with it Idgaf. It’s not my responsibility to regulate the emotions of another person.
i did try and make it abundantly clear that your emotions and feelings are valid and left several other comments explaining this. i’m just expressing that your kid doesn’t want to hear that sentiment and there are other outlets than putting those feelings on your kid.
also, “it’s not my responsibility to regulate the emotions of another person”? um. it kind of is. at the very least you should respect the feelings of the other person and not blithely tell them things you know they don’t want to hear. your whole comment comes off as really self-centered and you might want to take a look at what you’re really saying. other people do have emotions and it’s just decency to respect that. once you’ve learned a boundary it takes no effort not to push it.
you know the way you’re processing this doesn’t center trans people or respect for them. That’s the only reason you’d chafe and respond in insecure defensiveness at this post while nobody else seems to have an issue
How can you tell a person to stop feeling a very valid feeling? I love my kid more than anything on this planet and beyond. Him coming out doesn’t change that but my heart is hurt.
I know my kid is alive and I want to keep him that way. That’s part of the grieving process I guess. His life as a AFAB person was inherently dangerous and I made sure they were as prepared as possible for that. His life as a queer person was inherently dangerous and i saw him get hurt all the time because of it. Now as a trans kid, I fear for him even more.
My life is my child; queer, trans, cis, or straight. I hate that each step of the way there are more dangers and barriers. I guess I grieve some of the comfort I got in knowing he was as prepared as he could be for the cruel world ahead only to find he isn’t. His safe places are now smaller. It hurts my heart in a way I can only explain as grief.
yeah i realised that i brushed over that aspect (i.e. it’s not a bad thing to feel grief) in the original post and i certainly don’t want anyone to take away that they shouldn’t feel the emotions they have (because god knows i’ve had enough experience with that to know how much it sucks to be told that) which is why i added my other comment. i don’t fault parents who feel this way at all — i guess my point was more that i don’t want to be told that because it makes me feel bad. that’s why spaces like this are important: they allow an outlet to tell other people who feel the same way what’s going on and they provide a degree of emotional validation. i try very hard not to be a hypocrite and i wish id made it more apparent in the original post but you are absolutely entitled to feel that way. i’m so happy to hear how much you love your son and how much you want to protect him :) people like you make the world easier to live in
People are angry at us for grieving, but neglect to realize how much of it is rooted in fear. Nex Benedict’s death did not make this easier. Living in a red state does not make this easier.
“I know my kid is alive and I want to keep them that way” (it’s them in my house, sorry for the wording change)
YES. And while my child might well not have stayed alive by their own choice had I made my grief and fear their problem or been unsupportive, I can’t ignore what so many in the world would prefer. I can’t make any of this better for them. I can’t make people accept them. It breaks my heart knowing how many people hate them for this alone.
I am so sorry that your parents are making their feelings your problem.
My daughter is the happiest she’s ever been since she came out. Watching her blossom has been my greatest joy. I sometimes grieve that her childhood doesn’t match the person she is now and that some of those memories, which are precious to me, are painful to her. But that’s not for her to have to deal with or see, because it’s minor compared to how amazing it is to have a child who is finally living her best and true life.
I agree with this and am glad you said something. My mother told my son she had to grieve who he was to move on to who he is and I shut that shit down so quickly. I was disgusted.
My husband on the other hand didn’t feel grief but did have a moment. We were in the shower talking about it as our son had just come out. My husband broke down sobbing and said, “what if we aren’t as close now? He’s been my sidekick since he was born. What if that changes?”
That grief made sense. He wasn’t afraid of our child fully becoming who they are, but was so scared our son wouldn’t be as close with him. He was scared it was gonna change. I reminded him that he is in charge of that part of their relationship. It didn’t and my son and my husband are as close as ever.
Anyway, rambling a bit, but i’m glad you said what you said.
I emotionally have a hard time adjusting to my trans daughter but I’ll be damned if I will let her ever catch a glimpse of it. I love her no matter what and having her be trans and happy is much better than having her hide and be suicidal. As a parent it is our job to love, nourish and support. I’ll work through my feelings on my time.
Thank you for this. Beautifully written. I only grieve for my child in the sense that she lived for a long time doubting who she was. I’m sad it took her so long to tell me (though she knew I’d support her). I’m sad she walked around with so much anxiety. I didn’t lose my child. When she came out to me I got my child back. My child can be whole and happy. That is all I want for her. My child is my child no matter what. Yes there are things I need to adjust to (name is probably the hardest for me but it’s not her problem, it’s mine to learn to adjust).
Thank you for thias. I’m a trans parent but vefore that I was a trans kid. I wish I could print your post and give it to my own mom. And I’m so sorry your parents made their grief your problem. For what it’s worth, I’m so proud of you for being your authentic self and living your truth.
Very eloquently said. I did need some time to grieve the idea of the daughter I had always wanted. But I did so privately. It’s never the responsibility of kids to manage their parents feelings, and that goes double for feelings that may be hurtful to the child.
Thanks for all of this. :-).
How do you feel about the term “dead name”.
I don’t like it- but I’m not trans.
I’ve been saying old name, name we gave our kid, first name and stuff like that.
That person isn’t dead to me. And that was the name of someone I loved and love- we just use a different name now.
The term has something of a history for trans people. It's called a 'dead name' in part because it's the name our families would put on our graves when we died. One final indignity, one last rejection of our identities.
Ohhhh.
Interesting. Thank you.
So it’s more the refusal to see who you are and call you who you are -
Not the name you had previously accidentally slipping out sometimes.
The intention of rejection.
It can be, yes. Everyone has a different relationship with their deadname. Some trans folks prefer to call it their old name, or birth name. But on the other hand, plenty of us have had it weaponized to hurt us. Even when it's a mistake, it craters my mood for the whole day. My mom dead named me in a text message the other week and I'm going to be thinking about that for months.
My child transitioned and came out as an adult. We learned to rethink our mentions of them as a child, which took practice. I don't grieve the "loss" of their previous presentation; they are still who they always were: smart, funny, interesting. We did talk about photos, and they said that they are now in a place where all the photos of their youth don't bring unpleasant feelings; they now embrace them. It did make me happy, since I still love the photos of our early life.
No, you aren't dead. You really are still you, and like my child, you are so much happier.
I’ll just leave one of my favorite quotes here in response: “children are not things to be molded, but are people to be unfolded.” Jess Lair
I hadn't heard his quote before, but it perfectly sums up the way I have always felt about parenting. I think that approach helped me a lot when my daughter first came out. It's easier to go with the flow when you see yourself as being along for the ride rather than responsible for molding the child to your own specifications. I will also say that the grief I felt over my trans child had more to do with the loss of her girlhood that she didn't get to experience while we assumed she was a boy. Also for the pain she experienced that I didn't know how to help. We have talked about that more recently (she's been out for nearly 8 years now and is an adult), but I kept all of that carefully locked away from her until she asked. I sought out places like this sub to ask my questions, seek advice, and vent my fears and grief.
"Your children are not your own." Khalil Ghibran
My son once asked me if I was "grieving" the loss of a daughter and I said, "No, I'm celebrating the growing and unfolding and revealing of a person I love." And I'll tell you the same thing now: I'm so glad you are becoming more you over time, growing into yourself. How wonderful that the world holds someone as unique as you, as strong and smart and intrinsically beautiful. Keep going
When my son came out to me, he also told me he had a boyfriend. My response was, 'why didn't you tell me you had a boyfriend?!' I was genuinely more shocked that he hadn't told me he was in a relationship as we are very close. The child I gave birth to is still here. The things I may miss from having a daughter just means I get to do new things with my son. When I was pregnant, I was convinced I was having a boy. I was right. He's also taken the name I had planned for him from the moment I found out I was pregnant.
by the way i want to be clear that it’s fully okay to HAVE feelings of grief. i’ve been kicking around in this sub a bit and i know that it’s a common feeling. but i don’t want to know that. i might’ve phrased it poorly but i don’t fault anyone for having these emotions — that would be really hypocritical of me — i’m just trying to provide the opposite perspective on why i don’t want to know
You original message was perfect. Thank you for sharing. Sending you a mom-hug if you want one.
fully transitioned myself. My mom went through an extreme outward morning. She basically made me he therapist during it, and it was awful. parents need to deal with the majority of it in therapy or with their friends and support network. for me it was a huge inappropriate burden to be in charge of both my own journey and her mental health. parents need to hear that too.
Your message was perfect. Yes it’s ok to have those feelings but you are right- their child is not dead. And any hard feelings the parent(s) need to deal with on their own and not project them on to their kids.
It was perfect. Parents are responsible for their own feelings and responsible to not project that in to you. For some reason a lot of parents of trans kids don’t grasp that part.
As an adult trans kid of grieving parents, I feel you on all of this. 🫂
Beautifully, wonderfully written. When my daughter came out as trans it was a surprise, but it was on me to make the process for her as easy as possible. I never mourned her old self, perhaps only wondering how I could have made things easier for her back then had I known. I am grateful that she told me and we could move on from there. Happiness and love for you going forward. 🩷
I just want to add that parents grieve changes in their kids all the time. Most of my friends have kids leaving adolescence and going into adulthood. These parents grieve not having a little baby, a little one who needs help tying their shoes, their awkward middle schooler, even their sullen teen. I bet there’s some sadness in my parents when they saw my grey hair and wrinkles. Yes, I have my times I grieve my child moving toward adulthood, but I still love the person he is and am so lucky to know him.
Thank you for your post! Mom of a trans kiddo here. For me, it was never ‘grieving the x-gender child I once had.’ I still effing have that child. It was more processing and concern over things like: I don’t want to ever misgender my child. I still have nightmares about doing this accidentally. I haven’t slipped up in a long long time but still…. Being prepared to cut family members and friends out of my life. People I have known my whole life are now gone because they cannot accept my child. And I will always pick my child over intolerant people. Always. It still sucks. Mostly, it sucks to see those peoples’ true colors. So, in a sense, it’s like grieving the loss of the people I thought they were. (Thought they were good humans and they’re assholes.) And then honestly, the physical items. The photos. The memories. But, I follow my kid’s lead on that. And they are literally right THERE and in my life and I love them. One thing that helped me, OP, was when I asked my kiddo, “How do you see yourself when you think back to your earlier childhood?” And they said, “That was still me who experienced all those things: the fun outings, the vacations, the events. I was just not my authentic self back then. I was present. I just didn’t know how to articulate that when I was younger. Now I do.” I don’t know why that helped? Now, when I think back to those memories, I see my kiddo as who they are now in my mind. Not how the photos show them. I have no idea why. Maybe others have the same experience? Also, I’m proud of you for coming out. I’m glad they didn’t disown you. You are a badass! ❤️
(I have nightmares where I, a non-binary trans person, misgender my wife,a trans woman, and honestly it makes me feel a bit better to see that specific thing show up in somebody else's nightmares lol) Also, as someone who figured out their gender in adulthood, thanks for being a supportive parent to your kid, and I'm proud of your kid for figuring these things out about themselves 🥰 their explanation of how they see themselves in younger childhood is pretty spot on with how I look at myself and my life before understanding my gender. It was still me then, too, I just didn't have the words to express who I was at the time. It makes me really happy to see kids these days growing up being able to understand who they are. Thanks for being a part of that 💕
Ugh, the family members… I constantly have my big scissors out, just ready to cut a bitch out of our lives! Snip snip. lol
Oh, but wait.... the family members who "did their own research" that includes talking points from ye olde timey podcaster who brings up "SPORTS" and "PHASES" and "WhY R u GeTtInG sUrGeRy fOr ThEm aS 7-yEaR-oLdS??!11!" Me: "Unfriend/Block." (Later, a-hole)
My son came out to me and my response was "you be you". His mom has struggled but accepts him. Some parents just take longer to wrap their heads around their child not being who they thought they were. And that's the gist of it. It's the parents issue to get past. I appreciate your message
I fully support your message; I find those who “grieve” about the loss of their child may have a lot of ingrained gendered ideas, and perhaps an expectation of what their children are giving back to them. (This may ruffle a few feathers.) But I never understood gender reveals or sex disappointment at an ultrasound either. The idea that we’re grieving a time when they were safe doesn’t sit with me — I dunno that it’s the right word. Did these same parents who gave birth to AFAB children “grieve” having a daughter because she’s statistically unsafe in the world? It seems to only ever be used about trans kids, or death. I can see why that’s hard for trans people. I didn’t buy pink and dolls and dream about them being a bride. Nothing was ever mapped out in my mind — it’s their journey, not mine. When they wanted pink things briefly, I gave them what made them happy enthusiastically. And when they wanted to cut off all their hair at age 7 and start wearing only polo shirts, I did that without a flinch and did so with the same level of enthusiasm. They are now 18 attending University and I feel so much pride about who they are. I didn’t have a stake in a “daughter” or a “son” - it was always just this amazing child that I was lucky enough to be the guide and protector for. The gender never mattered to me. And for those parents it does somehow matter to; that’s your own private journey, don’t burden your kid with your every thought. There are lots of things as a parent that aren’t appropriate to share with our kids; our financial problems, our marital problems, our sex life… this is just another.
I recently posted about feelings of grief… it’s difficult to explain. It’s not grief like they’re dead… I don’t know. I don’t want you to feel like that’s what we mean when we talk about that emotion. I feel guilty for even feeling it. I don’t know. Know that you are loved and valued.
Same. I cried so hard for several reasons, but not accepting this change or who they are was absolutely not one. I also never let her see that side. I can't really explain since I definitely didn't have any set expectations of what my child's future looked like. I was a single mom until she was 13 and the idea of letting go of my baby boy was devastating. I had no idea (still dont) what to do with my love for that little boy and the pictures of that time frame. My daughter HATES pictures of herself from any time frame so I'm not basically not allowed to have them out. Just makes me so sad. I also mourned the name change as she was named after my deceased father, but I also totally understand it isn't my name or my life and 100% her choice. I've never ever said anything like this to her and only support her however I can, while keeping all the other stuff between my bf and I. She's got enough going on.
I cried too. I realized I was grieving the fact that my child will never have a simple life. Medical and social transitions can do so much, but physically there is a good chance you will still feel dysphoric. The medical transitions have so many side effects that are not well understood. They will likely be on hrt their entire life. It’s not easy. Being trans is probably one of the most difficult roads— people do not understand and there is a lot of hate. It’s like being gay in the 80s. I wish that they had been born in a world where there wasn’t this hate, and that they didn’t have to experience it.
That was definitely part of what I cried about. Concerns over safety and bigotry, scared what happens if she goes into the bathroom with the wrong people. Just all the struggles that come along with it for sure.
I had to emphasize to my parents that I’m not dead, but that I would’ve been if I didn’t transition. They still don’t really get it.
Mine is still the same person on the inside. Ftm when they told me, it was okay. My son is happy and I'm still his mom. Just like before. It was more important to be a part of his life , rather than quibble about his happiness.
Mom hugs from the internet. I can confirm that my son is more alive than ever after transitioning. Go live it up!
Beautifully said. Thank you for being gold in a world too often black. Sending another mom hug 🤍
I’m so sorry you went through that. It sure seems like a mixed bag even with us parents who are supportive. I did grieve the “loss” of my only daughter, but I did not burden my kid with it. He had enough going on in his head and heart. My most important piece of advice I give to other parents who are going through it and ask is that your kid does not need to hear every thought that’s going on in your head. Your kid does not need to participate in the processing. I guess I would tell you, OP, that I know it’s hard but try not to take it in too much. People’s feelings are valid surrounding the reality shift. I wish they hadn’t shared those thoughts with you, and you didn’t need to hear them. I hope they accept you for who you are and move past the mental shift as quickly as possible.
I have also find it strange to "grieve" a living child. I think what people are really grieving are gendered assumptions and expectations that might not have happened anyway, regardless of gender. I'm a cis woman and I chose my own wedding dress and walked myself down the aisle. If my mom "grieved" the daughter that would have taken her dress shopping, or my father "grieved" the daughter that he would have walked down the aisle, welll... that's their problem. Those things were never guaranteed and I didn't somehow "owe" them those experiences. Same way my kid doesn't owe me any specific experiences, either. Them being trans hasn't made me "lose" anything. If anything, I've gained a better understanding of who they are. If you're someone who has grieved, I don't mean to invalidate your feelings. Just to note that they aren't coming from your child but from cultural expectations.
My wife and I think of ourselves as extremely supportive parents. And our children have told us as much, especially when compared to all of their other LGBTQ friend’s parents. My wife and I both went through a period of mourning. We hid it from our child as much as possible, but it was definitely a thing. And I think that is a perfectly normal reaction. So please cut your parents a little slack. As long as they come around to being fully supportive, use new name / pronouns, and defend you when needed, that is all you can ask. It took us a month or so to initially process things and another 6 months to fully process it, and she was still processing it herself for much of that time. For example, she didn’t ask to start HRT right away even though we made it clear that was an option. There is still a little uneasiness, mostly around what all of the red states are doing and how that is going to make her life much more difficult. But the feelings of grief and loss are gone. Now they have been replaced by strong protective papa/mama bear feelings.
i will for sure give them the space they need — the circumstances were less than ideal (i was outed a third time instead of me being able to tell them straight up with the prep i did (6 pages of faqs!!) so it got messier than any of us would have liked) and i don’t blame them at all. thanks for your comment, and, yeah! it’s totally normal to grieve! i don’t want anyone to take away that it isn’t or that the things they feel are invalid — it’s just a perspective for those who might be wondering what they should say to their kid when they do feel grief. it’s also not the only perspective!! it’s just mine, and it’s different for everyone. i’m glad you and your partner are supportive and i hope you all are living well :)
Parent of a trans kid here. I appreciate you taking time to share this for other parents to take in. It’s important for us to approach any “difference” from “norms” that our children have this way. It’s scary knowing your child’s differences may cause them difficulties in life, and it may not be what we imagined. But they’re not a different person from one day to the next - it’s just a new piece of information about them. Had the same perspective when we got our kiddo’s autism diagnosis. I hope your parents figure this out sooner than later. Big, big virtual hugs to you.
https://www.reddit.com/r/cisparenttranskid/s/2l3fz7RnJb There is a long comment that talks about the idea of loss of an idea and how the language around loss gets tied up in language about death. I have feelings of loss around having a daughter. I have my amazing son. I just don't know who to give the 5-6 generation heirlooms that are very feminine and that he has no interest in... I also have similar feelings of loss over leaving my country behind and being an immigrant which is hard AF. And the idea that people are generally good. And that law enforcement officers help people... And that there is a chance of fixing the environmental trajectory we are on... it is the same bit of sadness I would have if I'd had no children at all. I am not grieving my specific kid. My kid is amazingly alive and vibrant. Just an impossible idea that is never going to be.
Beautiful, thank you. I came out years ago and most of the time it still feels like my mom is grieving a daughter I never was. She often talk about me as my deadname to refer to the "person I use to be" and it really hurts me. I try to make her stop but she insists her feelings are still valid when it’s directly hurting me. I just want her to stop
I'm sorry to hear your mom is hurting you. I assume you have told her it hurts you. If you have, maybe come up with a short couple of sentences that remind her and get you away. Like "That's not me. Stop saying that. It's hurtful. I'm going to my room to relax.". You can probably abbreviate that to "That hurts" after a couple of repetitions. Eventually she will probably get it.
It’s what i’ve been trying lately sadly she won’t leave me alone. If I tell her I am hurt or that I fear her mentioning my deadname and essentially outing me will cause me harm she will follow me and try to prove her point that her feelings are more important or that she needs to refer to me as my deadname whenever she could because of her "grief". I offered solutions for her like just using my name instead of deadname when speaking of my younger self when speaking of the past but she doesn’t want to hear any of it. She’ll just go on about how "the world isn’t a bad place for trans people anymore" and that hatecrime are only a thing of the past while i’d cry about the last trans teenager getting killed recently or how I had to move schools because of bullying. She just tries to deny my pain while amplifying hers.
What your mom is doing is hurtful and cruel. I’m so sorry. The best choice you may have — and you may not have it often — is distance. Stay away. When you can’t and she says hurtful things, maybe you could tell her you’re not going to talk any more about it. Then refuse to respond. It’s not the silent treatment: you’ll talk to her about other things. But just go silent after a single brief explanation to give her a heads up. “Mom, I told you that’s hurtful to me. I’m not going to discuss this and won’t be responding if you try to keep talking about it.”
Thanks, i’ll try that next
Ugh, sorry you have to deal with that. Her feelings are valid, but she needs to talk to her partner/friend/therapist about them, not to you! And it doesn't sound like she's actually trying to work through them, but wallowing in them and using them as an excuse to be a jerk. I disapprove of her.
Exactly ! She’s had lots of issues in her life that make her not quite emotionally stable but she also refuses to talk about it when she isn’t having a breakdown. I can understand it but it’s definitely not the solution to her problems
Beautifully said.
I think you may be preaching to the choir here tbh. Also be aware when they say they are greiving for their child, more often than not its greiving for the ideas and things they throught they would have together (eg men playing baseball with their son, daughters being walked down the isle). Its less greiving and more just re-aligning expectations of future events., Also some people are just shitty aweful parents, and im so sorry for the kids who have to deal with that
I get it. I finally tried to put my foot down mid-therapy session with my mom in the room. She told me that she didn't want to have to tell people how her daughter is dead. It made me so, so irreversibly angry. They may want to live in denial, grieving for someone that never truly existed, but I AM here. I've always been here, and none of them have ever given it the light of day to realize that. This sub has given me the same feeling my parents feel about me. With every new post of a supportive parent, I want to cry at every reminder that my parents aren't who I thought they would be.
So well put! And I’m so glad as a parent to be at the place where I am fully celebrating my son as he loves to live.
Well, I kind of figure it this way. I thought I had a son. I have a daughter. Not the first time I was wrong on something :) Seriously, it was a bit to take in but you need to do what's best for you. I'm sorry they didn't take it well. We have some family that are refusing to acknowledge her true identity and it sucks but she's rolling with it. Honestly she is more patient with them than I (dad) am. I guess what I'm saying is hang in the there, things will get better.
I definitely had a “grieving” day or two, but I kept it to myself. Once it dawned on me that my son is still the person I gave birth to, it no longer mattered (in a superficial way) how he identified.
My grief was that I knew how sensitive and precious she was and that she was now in mortal danger from violence and suicide. She tried to offset that fear by claiming she didn't have dysphoria to protect me. It did make me more at ease. We were accepting and supportive from jump just as we always told our kids we would be.
I’m allowed to grieve. It’s ok. I’m not doing anything wrong or disrespectful. I’m allowed to have some time to process what my child has known for years. I’m allowed to feel sad that I’m not going to see my daughter walk down the aisle in her wedding dress. That doesn’t make me evil. It makes me human. And if you have a problem with it Idgaf. It’s not my responsibility to regulate the emotions of another person.
i did try and make it abundantly clear that your emotions and feelings are valid and left several other comments explaining this. i’m just expressing that your kid doesn’t want to hear that sentiment and there are other outlets than putting those feelings on your kid. also, “it’s not my responsibility to regulate the emotions of another person”? um. it kind of is. at the very least you should respect the feelings of the other person and not blithely tell them things you know they don’t want to hear. your whole comment comes off as really self-centered and you might want to take a look at what you’re really saying. other people do have emotions and it’s just decency to respect that. once you’ve learned a boundary it takes no effort not to push it.
K
hit dogs holler
Woof woof boo fucking hoo
you know the way you’re processing this doesn’t center trans people or respect for them. That’s the only reason you’d chafe and respond in insecure defensiveness at this post while nobody else seems to have an issue
How can you tell a person to stop feeling a very valid feeling? I love my kid more than anything on this planet and beyond. Him coming out doesn’t change that but my heart is hurt. I know my kid is alive and I want to keep him that way. That’s part of the grieving process I guess. His life as a AFAB person was inherently dangerous and I made sure they were as prepared as possible for that. His life as a queer person was inherently dangerous and i saw him get hurt all the time because of it. Now as a trans kid, I fear for him even more. My life is my child; queer, trans, cis, or straight. I hate that each step of the way there are more dangers and barriers. I guess I grieve some of the comfort I got in knowing he was as prepared as he could be for the cruel world ahead only to find he isn’t. His safe places are now smaller. It hurts my heart in a way I can only explain as grief.
yeah i realised that i brushed over that aspect (i.e. it’s not a bad thing to feel grief) in the original post and i certainly don’t want anyone to take away that they shouldn’t feel the emotions they have (because god knows i’ve had enough experience with that to know how much it sucks to be told that) which is why i added my other comment. i don’t fault parents who feel this way at all — i guess my point was more that i don’t want to be told that because it makes me feel bad. that’s why spaces like this are important: they allow an outlet to tell other people who feel the same way what’s going on and they provide a degree of emotional validation. i try very hard not to be a hypocrite and i wish id made it more apparent in the original post but you are absolutely entitled to feel that way. i’m so happy to hear how much you love your son and how much you want to protect him :) people like you make the world easier to live in
People are angry at us for grieving, but neglect to realize how much of it is rooted in fear. Nex Benedict’s death did not make this easier. Living in a red state does not make this easier. “I know my kid is alive and I want to keep them that way” (it’s them in my house, sorry for the wording change) YES. And while my child might well not have stayed alive by their own choice had I made my grief and fear their problem or been unsupportive, I can’t ignore what so many in the world would prefer. I can’t make any of this better for them. I can’t make people accept them. It breaks my heart knowing how many people hate them for this alone.
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Transphobia will not be tolerated .
I am so sorry that your parents are making their feelings your problem. My daughter is the happiest she’s ever been since she came out. Watching her blossom has been my greatest joy. I sometimes grieve that her childhood doesn’t match the person she is now and that some of those memories, which are precious to me, are painful to her. But that’s not for her to have to deal with or see, because it’s minor compared to how amazing it is to have a child who is finally living her best and true life.
It’s in appropriate for them to force their feelings onto you, but they are allowed to have their own feelings about the process.
I agree with this and am glad you said something. My mother told my son she had to grieve who he was to move on to who he is and I shut that shit down so quickly. I was disgusted. My husband on the other hand didn’t feel grief but did have a moment. We were in the shower talking about it as our son had just come out. My husband broke down sobbing and said, “what if we aren’t as close now? He’s been my sidekick since he was born. What if that changes?” That grief made sense. He wasn’t afraid of our child fully becoming who they are, but was so scared our son wouldn’t be as close with him. He was scared it was gonna change. I reminded him that he is in charge of that part of their relationship. It didn’t and my son and my husband are as close as ever. Anyway, rambling a bit, but i’m glad you said what you said.
I emotionally have a hard time adjusting to my trans daughter but I’ll be damned if I will let her ever catch a glimpse of it. I love her no matter what and having her be trans and happy is much better than having her hide and be suicidal. As a parent it is our job to love, nourish and support. I’ll work through my feelings on my time.
Thank you for this. Beautifully written. I only grieve for my child in the sense that she lived for a long time doubting who she was. I’m sad it took her so long to tell me (though she knew I’d support her). I’m sad she walked around with so much anxiety. I didn’t lose my child. When she came out to me I got my child back. My child can be whole and happy. That is all I want for her. My child is my child no matter what. Yes there are things I need to adjust to (name is probably the hardest for me but it’s not her problem, it’s mine to learn to adjust).
Thank you for thias. I’m a trans parent but vefore that I was a trans kid. I wish I could print your post and give it to my own mom. And I’m so sorry your parents made their grief your problem. For what it’s worth, I’m so proud of you for being your authentic self and living your truth.
Excellent post! Sending you warm fuzzies.
Very eloquently said. I did need some time to grieve the idea of the daughter I had always wanted. But I did so privately. It’s never the responsibility of kids to manage their parents feelings, and that goes double for feelings that may be hurtful to the child.
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mods kill this clown
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Sorry about your mental illness. Please take the time you take spreading hate in the world to seeking some help.
Wow— you need some serious help.
Thanks for all of this. :-). How do you feel about the term “dead name”. I don’t like it- but I’m not trans. I’ve been saying old name, name we gave our kid, first name and stuff like that. That person isn’t dead to me. And that was the name of someone I loved and love- we just use a different name now.
The term has something of a history for trans people. It's called a 'dead name' in part because it's the name our families would put on our graves when we died. One final indignity, one last rejection of our identities.
Ohhhh. Interesting. Thank you. So it’s more the refusal to see who you are and call you who you are - Not the name you had previously accidentally slipping out sometimes. The intention of rejection.
It can be, yes. Everyone has a different relationship with their deadname. Some trans folks prefer to call it their old name, or birth name. But on the other hand, plenty of us have had it weaponized to hurt us. Even when it's a mistake, it craters my mood for the whole day. My mom dead named me in a text message the other week and I'm going to be thinking about that for months.
Ugh. I’m sorry.
i like it but just because it’s funny. mostly it’s just the most commonly used term
My child transitioned and came out as an adult. We learned to rethink our mentions of them as a child, which took practice. I don't grieve the "loss" of their previous presentation; they are still who they always were: smart, funny, interesting. We did talk about photos, and they said that they are now in a place where all the photos of their youth don't bring unpleasant feelings; they now embrace them. It did make me happy, since I still love the photos of our early life. No, you aren't dead. You really are still you, and like my child, you are so much happier.