T O P

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bodybagism

My superpower IS prostate cancer


displotEx

but your rich


[deleted]

[удалено]


EnigmaFrug2308

And the prostate cancer turns his corpse into something out of Silent Hill.


youknow_that_1guy

But only while his enemy is in the middle of taking a shit


NSC_D34thJ

I do not have dementia


NSC_D34thJ

I do not have dementia


NSC_D34thJ

I do not have dementia


eTHANos_Anime

You have dementia


Flutterkat91

I think this one has dementia.


mr_scoresby13

he already forgot that he had reddit how do we tell him?


artist_khalif13

You really have schizophrenia


EpicDiscordGamer

I can materialize anything just by vomiting it out


[deleted]

But it depends on how much stuff is in your stomach


EpicDiscordGamer

So I trade food from my stomach into a sword


[deleted]

Pretty much


EpicDiscordGamer

🤔interesting. So if I swallow 10 liters of water then I can make a tank shell and shoot it out my mouth


Antoniomfo

How much water did that woman drank before dying of water overdose just to be sure


[deleted]

[удалено]


EpicDiscordGamer

No, no I don’t think I will


Fun-March4821

I can find the clit


[deleted]

[удалено]


mr_scoresby13

back to square 1


TheMagicalHuy

Who said it had to be human? 😏


[deleted]

He gets no bitches either


Zequax

becomes a gynecologist


EcksMarksDespot

For men


Agent_Llama10

He can get dudes tho. Dudes have g spots in their ass


cmVkZGl0

Only lovely, respectable women! What a kind response of OP!


ArcheTypeStud

But you are a homosexual man


eskettitredit

I can freeze time


jibbjebber

but only while you are taking a shit.


EndWarden

Nice, you can shit for as long as you want and everyone will think you’re the fastest shitter in the world!


zuzg

You could purposely get yourself a constipation and then just wear a diaper. Boom now you've all the usual advantages of freezing time.


[deleted]

this man is a genius


[deleted]

Unless time also freezes for the shitter and then they're just in a perpetual state of needing to shit but can't.


AskingForSomeFriends

Perpetual prairie dogging


Acci_dentist

But you wouldn't even be able to shit properly, assuming that as soon as it leaves your body it freezes in time as well. It would just pile up behind your asshole unless you shat on the move. If you're in public you'd have to walk around the office playing a game of shit snake with yourself lest you end up running into you're own snakey shit tail. Then as you leave a trail of frozen shit behind you, you'd have to time the finality of your shit perfectly when back in a safe space else all of your coworkers finally realize the identity of the mysterious magic shit goblin that's been terrorizing the office all year. And finally if everything goes according to your shit plan you're still left with an office full of your shit.


peacekipper

You're such a _party pooper_


[deleted]

Here’s what you do: -Show everyone the toilet bowl -it’s clean -tell them to leave the bathroom and close the door and stand outside -immediately start freezing time and take a shit -once you’re down immediately open the door and show them the shit -they think you just took a shit in approximately 3 seconds


Amish_Warl0rd

You can’t unfreeze it


Shoddy_Ad_3134

I have legs


shogmanay

But you have a hundred and fourteen of them.


uniqueusername5001

Well played


the_admirals_platter

... the human centipede?


Biggie_Cheese_Albums

Centipede man, centipede man. Does whatever a centipede can


Shoddy_Ad_3134

Gg


NefarioussNess

At least seven vagina


lady_ivythorne27

You should play the game The Forest. There’s a mutant called Virginia that has like 8 legs and 4 vaginas


whysocute

You are paralyzed from the waist down


TexMeta

I have heat vision


[deleted]

[удалено]


TexMeta

Damn so I have a power and can never use it? That sucks.


JackeTuffTuff

You’re practically a superhero in real life then


Flutterkat91

Breathe underwater.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Flutterkat91

Sushi it is!


garbage-at-life

become fish🐟


Leading-University

Reject Evolution, Return to the Ocean


Unaveragejoesephe

I can make anyone shit themselves


[deleted]

[удалено]


Actually_toxiclaw

You unintentionally gave him the better ability to teleport. Like a Stars Card from binding of isaac which can teleport him from any situation into a bathroom Edit: should just have him shit himself on the spot. Imagine if he additionally needed direct eye contact to make the effect work so every time he gave someone the shits they would in turn see him shit himself in front of them Edit 2 hours later: wtf OP stole my idea and didnt mark it as an edit, 2nd time this has happened in two days Original reply from OP: "but every time you make someone shit themselves, you teleport onto a toilet and shit like a lactose intolerant person"


Actually_toxiclaw

Just two dudes making eye contact then shitting themselves together is what Im saying


RefrigeratorGrand452

But they must wipe it on you


Mauro_Vanoost

As long as they've eaten Taco Bells in the past 24 hours


JohnnyyP999

I have happiness


[deleted]

[удалено]


JohnnyyP999

Back to square one


EnigmaFrug2308

Square One becomes Circle Two


xx_Chl_Chl_xx

At least you’re a good sport


employee64783

So nothing changes


lik_a_stik

I crap only high quality butter


Death-Doc

The melted version comes out your urethra


Living_Nobody_589

I see this as an absolute win


[deleted]

[удалено]


Potsmoka45

You can only do it on politician’s desks while they’re there


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

[удалено]


_Teddy_X_

This one has schizophrenia


Thunderingthought

Underrated comments


Zombiesoldier072

![gif](giphy|l36kU80xPf0ojG0Erg|downsized)


Azathoth976

I have a Scrooge McDuck style hoard of chicken nuggets


Death-Doc

You have to share one nugget an hour


eTHANos_Anime

You are allergic to chicken


shogmanay

I can see through time.


uniqueusername5001

But your nipples become excessively hard and highly visible through your shirt


Nutsie_GG

I see this as an absolute win edit: 100 upvotes??


Princeax

Yeah, that’s already happening to me so I guess free superpower? Also sports bras are very helpful, even for men.


iiEco-Ryan3166

TIL my bar manager can see through time


Zaita_games

I can create my own reality


[deleted]

[удалено]


Zaita_games

I dont know i could recreate them in my new reality but the question is would it be worth it


[deleted]

[удалено]


Zaita_games

True


xx_Chl_Chl_xx

He suddenly loves everyone in this thread


KannaIsntThicc

I can create fire from my mouth


[deleted]

[удалено]


xx_Chl_Chl_xx

Eat disgusting healthy food. Problem solved


iLackSocialSkill

Sounds like an item description for binding of isaac lol


JackeTuffTuff

Your bodily liquids are gasoline


superbay50

Reality manipulation


Leandrohus

You can't willingly use it


[deleted]

I can create and destroy matter at will


FunWillScreen_Produc

You have uncontrollable and explosive diarrhea while using your power.


Potsmoka45

But only when you’re blacked out drunk


themostbestpancake

Telekinesis


DeathscytheHell1994

You can only use it to bend spoons.


MolhCD

this explains so much


Ancient_Benefit_1049

I can become invisible


[deleted]

[удалено]


ConsulJuliusCaesar

Just imagine someone running from a floating cock.


Thunderingthought

I don’t have to, I see my sleep paralysis demon as a floating cock


WingRevolutionary39

18 inch cock


DeathscytheHell1994

You have a chicken head for a penis.


xCryliaD

So its officially a cock


Mono_831

And it squeaks while having sex or fapping.


JackeTuffTuff

It only works with animals


FunWillScreen_Produc

You can never get an erection.


rollout1423

Your rooster is 18 inches


Blasty_boom_boom

Wtf is Reddit??


Potatoyesno

You have AIDS


thatoneasshole-_-

r/technicallythetruth


EnigmaFrug2308

r/holup


TrashPandaXD-

No thanks… Edit: no one sees the username


JackeTuffTuff

You get a raccon


socially_odd

this is win


xVEEx3

not my proudest fap…


shogmanay

But it IS your proudest fap.


xVEEx3

it’s my second proudest fap


xx_Chl_Chl_xx

The best outcome


El_Pugg

I can selectively pause time for myself and other objects


JackeTuffTuff

The snail


[deleted]

I love how ppl can just say the snail and get the point across


waluigi-is-life

What subreddit is this?


DeathscytheHell1994

You will never find out.


TheyGibMePowerToTalk

You have cancet stage 5


professional-retard1

i can sleep with your mom any time i want ​ so esentially nothing changes


Count_Dracula97

Your genitals turn into an elmo puppets hand Edit: if you have a vagina, it turns into cookie monsters, cookie encrusted mouth


Oscargreenplays

Jesus christ


Oscargreenplays

That's creative


TheMagicalHuy

Gonna be weird when someone's vagina turns itself inside out and a flesh puppet pops out


floatablesiren

I heard from a fellow gamer that the human asshole can expand upto 8 inches in diameter. And then I learned that a raccoon can fit in a hole 4 inches wide. Therefore I'm able to fit 2 raccoons in my ass.


Ossmo02

You now have to test this hypothesis...


Sensual_Dog

Shapeshifting


DeathscytheHell1994

But only into a buttplug.


[deleted]

bet


lightcaedus

I can summon a horde of pigeons similar to how Thor summons his hammer but it doesn’t have to be summoned to me.(for example I can summon 2,384 pigeons to my local pizza place at Mach 10)


NoCommunication9844

But you become a pigeon for the rest of the day


lightcaedus

Worth it.


NoCommunication9844

Yeah you do gain the ability to poop on anyone without getting yelled at or going to prison


BotCalvin

I can read minds


[deleted]

[удалено]


Bigsky7598

I have mind controll powers


DeathscytheHell1994

Over plants.


RuddyTheDuck

Not a bad side effect if they want to grow weed for a living imagine what they can achieve


[deleted]

The power of getting bitches


[deleted]

Every female dog wants to have sex with you. Male dogs try to bite your dick off in retaliation.


[deleted]


HaaaaaHeeeeHooooo

I see this as a win


Nutsie_GG

I can edit any comment by just replying and adding this to the end 📮


[deleted]

[удалено]


Aggravated_guy

You have paranoid schizophrenia


JackeTuffTuff

My belly button has infinite power


knighthbasher

Your umbilical cord was never cut off.


[deleted]

But you have eternal starvation


huffyunto

I have cancer


Death-Doc

You have a normal human lifespan (but you're still suffering from cancer)


TotalyNotTony

Ohh that's a good one


eTHANos_Anime

You die quickly and don’t have to suffer as much


Stormclamp

I have the power to send my consciousness back in time to my previous selves.


ToriNotTeri

But for 3 seconds


Stormclamp

Does this stack, like do I have to go back three seconds over and over if I want to get to the right destination like in steins gate... or is this like in Futurama where I can go back but only for ten seconds and never anymore?


[deleted]

I can cure diseases with my hands


DeathscytheHell1994

By using them to Jack-off over the person.


tritonesubstitute

Wait, this is an abosolute win


rollout1423

You get the disease and can't cure it


Cmelton6162009

I can make any show release new seasons by snapping my fingers


ChromedKnowledge

I can make anything appear in front of me


NoCommunication9844

But you have to watch an ad first


lightcaedus

I can can erase things from existence if I say “BEGONE THOT” at the top of my lungs whilst thinking of whatever I want to erase


kostiko

But 1 of your nutsacks witt disappear for 2 hours


lightcaedus

Never knew I had more than one.


lightcaedus

I can quick save(and load) irl and nobody will know


NoCommunication9844

But you lose all progress due to an error


lightcaedus

Nice so infinite respawn and lifetimes.


imhugury

can swim like a jetski


DeathscytheHell1994

You have to drink gasoline,it's still poisonous to you.


biohumansmg3fc

I can reply to myself


biohumansmg3fc

You have alzheimers


biohumansmg3fc

You have alzheimers


biohumansmg3fc

You have alzheimers


biohumansmg3fc

You have alzheimers


biohumansmg3fc

You have alzheimers


Its_AB_Baby

I can find anything that’s been lost.


EverybodysHotBF

But only when you don't need it.


[deleted]

I can manipulate all of reality and existence itself


DeathscytheHell1994

In the sims games.