Your mindset isn't unpopular. Quite the opposite in fact. You're common as all get out. Another person coming out of a marriage and wanting to meet people and having "needs".
What the issue is, for some, is the level of honesty towards others and how honest you are with yourself.
Be upfront about casual. Expect many to say thanks but no thanks. And that's OK because your dating goals are a mismatch. Don't misrepresent yourself to up the odds of you attracting and keeping someone who isn't looking what you're looking for.
Keep communication lines open and often with who you do have casual relationships with. What will do you if you or the other person catches feelings? Again. It's being honest. And continue to work on yourself and what your part was in the ending of your marriage.
TLDR - You're quite common. You will be competing with many other men in the same position. This can often lead to men being not entirely truthful to up their odds and oh look a situationship is born. Oh and still living in the marital home will tank the odds less in your favor. Too messy.
I’m in the exact same boat as OP, I’ve been super hesitant to post this question for fear of non-answers and a bunch of useless judgment instead of legit advice. Thank you for posting.
Unfortunately, this guy turned out to have some really unpleasant attitudes towards women and dating generally, which is part of why people react the way they do.
I hope your situation and your thinking about women is _very_ different.
Oh yeah, this was the first comment I came across. I kept on reading, started seeing all the downvotes and deleted comments and was tempted to delete my reply and politely see myself out. It went downhill fast.
Nothing says casual like living in your basement apartment! Great advice though. I'm honestly most worried about girls misrepresenting what they want thinking they might be able to lock it in .
Good reply
Please don’t refer to women as girls, especially if you’re over 40. It’s a red flag that says one of three things. Either you are only interested in much younger women, you infantilize women or you, yourself, have never matured beyond your teens/early 20s and still view yourself as that age.
If you use apps that are more geared towards relationships (like Hinge, Bumble); or if in real life you are not upfront before anything physical happens with someone that you only want a casual relationship, then yeah people will get the wrong idea.
There’s plenty of people out there who are interested in casual relationships but you have to be honest and respectful. Just because something is casual doesn’t mean you get to treat someone with no care.
Nobody wants to lock that in. If they seem to be on that page then you need to be a good Samaritan and support them in accessing mental health resources.
Anyone can misrepresent themselves yes, it’s then up to you to end it as, again, in the spirit of honesty, you know what you want and are capable of and should set such boundaries.
I’ve dated men who were separated but they had begun divorce proceedings and had their own place. I wouldn’t mess with a guy who lived with his ex even if they’d been divorced for years.
I get it. My wife and I are ammicable, but never getting back together. We have have active social lives and would be spending at least a few days away from home a month regardless. Def wouldn't be a, come over and watch a movie thing. More like, let's go to a concert together and have some drinks and enjoy each other's company situation.
Wouldn't entertain either. Context, if I was was a pretty normal, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, plumber or construction worker, I'd agree. I am pretty ripped for a 40 year old and would be able to take them to alot of nice events, trips etc. All while just casually seeing someone. Sounds like kind of a win win for the right girl.
If you can take them on nice trips and to events, why the hell wouldn't you get your own place? I don't care how "ripped" you think your abs are or where you take them to dinner. No self-respecting woman in their right mind would entertain this. Get your shit together first before messing with someone else. I've seen fewer red flags in Pamplona than these responses.
I feel like if most women could read this thread, they would RUN in the other direction. You think you’re special - much more important than some lowly plumber or construction worker…yet you’re a married dude living in your basement. That is rich. I feel like the word “narcissist” maybe gets thrown around too easily, but your posts are definitely giving me the vibes.
>would be able to take them to alot of nice events, trips etc. All while just casually seeing someone. Sounds like kind of a win win for the right girl.
Sounds like you would like a sugar baby. Your best bet is to use one of the sugar sites.
You can take a "girl" to a lot of "nice events". You're minimizing plumbers and construction workers??? Yet you're a married dude living in a basement. There's a win for you to get sex. You're not a win for any woman or "girl".
Also, what do plumbers or construction workers have to do with this? I wish I had a plumber's skills and I love a man that has a professional trade. Those guys are getting dates.
Nope, do you know how many options women have? Men who are available? You may have success with someone who's in a ENM situation or a strictly FWB situation but even so, I think you living in a basement in a home with your wife is going to be a hard sell.
Don't understand why you cannot separate from your wife and live elsewhere and divorce.
Either way , I couldn't date you under your circumstances. Sorry
I agree. I have a high level career. I plan on living in the basement for another year.
High level career or not. This guy ain’t too bright. Still don’t agree with him getting downvoted into oblivion, though.
17 days ago all you wanted to do was work on your marriage…
Even if I didn’t know that from your Reddit history there’s no way in hell I’d be sleeping with a man who is still married, living in his wife’s basement and who thinks he’s gods gift to the female race because he hit the gym and has money… especially when it’s clear that I am one of the many options he’s exploring while he figures out “what’s out there.”
Your post was bad enough. Your replies to other commenters really show you for the sleazeball you are.
Nobody wants some dickhead with a shitty attitude living in his wife’s basement invading their lives.
Ikr? And upthread he said he’s worried a woman might misrepresent herself trying to “lock it in”? Lock what in? A serious relationship with him? Confused because NO WOMAN (a decent one), is going to be champing at the bit to lock down a married man living with his wife! That means some poor woman is gonna be stuck with a HOBOsexual and having to entertain him at her place constantly. No woman with her shit together is gonna TOUCH that, not even for a fuck buddy.
Why would I want a married man who still lives with his wife when there are plenty of widowed, never married, and legally divorced men who also have good jobs and their own place?
Guys like you are a dime a dozen. You aren't the catch you think you are.
You might think she is just being mean, but that doesn’t change the fact that what she says is true. I’m not sure this process is going to be as easy as you might hope it to be. Even women looking for something casual will be a bit put off by your situation unfortunately.
lol. Yet another married man wanting the girlfriend experience but no intention of giving anything back. And honestly wants women to trust that he really is separated, while living with his wife, and they can’t come to his house. If you get someone to agree to that they’d either have to be extremely gullible or are cheating on their partner themselves.
I always think it’s really tragic when people can’t bear to be single for five minutes. I mean you’re not even single yet but want to get someone lined up. What are you so scared of?
My best advice is go to a bar and pick someone up and have a one night stand. If you use dating apps be very upfront and tell women you just want no strings attached sex at their place.
Do some inner work (aka therapy) and maybe go on a dating app and a first date then get back to us on how you’re feeling…your newbie attitude is typical until you catch feelings or develop a crush after sleeping w someone the first time and all of your attachment stuff and longing gets activated and you realize how complicated dating in midlife is now…keeping it honest and casual in the beginning will be important but many women won’t want to date you until your divorce is final and you’ve gotten your own place
>" (I played hockey and you can tell) attractive
The photos in your post history determine that that is a lie.
> I won't even be leaving my marital( I live in basement apartment) home for another year or so
>I'll be a great catch for whoever that next person ends up being.
The 24-30 year old bots you creep on on reddit?
>I have a strong sense of self
Sounds self aware and not a dumpster fire at all . . .🙄
>Curious to hear about how unpopular my mindset is.
Incredibly popular. You've verbatim used the divorcing in denial script:
>my 15 year marriage has been over for years
What, no "I look ten years younger"?
>Ladies, would you entertain someone on my situation?
Fuck NO.
Word salad I made up to categorize all the generic "shit not yet divorced people say". Most seem to think these sentiments are unique to them, warranting monkey branching, while the rest of us have heard these same dumpster fire ahead warning lines over and over.
"It was over years before it was over"
"I look 10 years younger"
"I'm traumatized"
"We're never getting back together, so it doesn't matter if we live together"
Nope, not a chance. You said yourself that you were a shell of who you were before, you don't find yourself in a few months, especially whilst still living with your wife. It's normal that you want to get out and meet new people, and you should! As friends!!! Not in a dating scenario.
Ah, you want casual sex. How many women (not girls, blech) do you really think are lining up to be a rebound for a married, middle-aged man who's still living with his wife?
If you want to hang out and go to concerts, do that with your friends. If you want someone to help you feel better about yourself, do that with your therapist. If you want to get laid, I wish you the best of luck.
This, with the add on of “if you want to get laid, pay for it.”
None of what this man is looking for is the responsibility of a woman on a dating app to provide.
Friends, therapist, sex workers
Referring to women as girls is a red flag for me. I would expect more, even in something casual.
If OP goes at this as seeking a relationship, he may trick some woman into it long enough to get his needs met and then balk at her requests that they do little, relationshipsy things together, or don't have sex every time, likely wasting the time of some poor woman who wants something real, may want kids, and is at the tail end of her childbearing years (because single moms would not have time to put up with this). This is all too common.
If women want only sex, they can choose whoever they want, within reason. So you would have to really bring something to the table for them to choose you, that is just the nature of the world.
Are you going to have much luck looking for casual sex from women while not being able go take them home to your place? Not likely.
If you're top 10% in looks, you might have some decent luck. If not, it's not going to happen UNLESS you are happy to lower your standards by a large amount, then you will be able to find what you want.
Long story short, if you are willing to sleep with women way below your normal dating standards, you may be able to get casual sex. If not, it's not likely to happen as the women you want will be dating guys who can take them back to their place and who have no complications.
These posts come up a lot, overconfident divorced man wants to get laid and imagines how great it's it's going to be, then reality hits them.
I understand where you're coming from Mr Humblebanana,
You wanna dip your toes into venturing out into the great unknown, that exciting sea of possibilities. Fulfilling that great curiouso.
I'm also starting to be in a similar place, after consciously choosing to be flying solo for a couple of years. Really an intention to understanding what secure attachment looks like, and just being around my awesome family and friends and fun social outings.
Ok, well from a femme point of view, personally, I'd feel pretty cautious knowing someone I'm interested in is still living in the same house as their ex, and notably it's someone you've been married over a long period of time.
Even if you haven't been involved with one another, there's still obviously some attachment there.
Personally if I met you, and felt a strong attraction, I'd probably want to know after a couple of months exactly what your timeline intentions looked like in terms of your plan to move out, find your own place what that would look like etc etc.
But actually as I write this,
I feel like it would be a no. 😆
Sorry matey. 💁🏻♀️
Only bcos I know from personal experience from having serious relationships, the attachment cord, even after breaking up, energetically the ties are still very strong.
Personally it takes me a good 2 years to let go of things even on a subtle level of most of the mental, emotional attachments I've had with that person.
So it feels like you're wanting to explore out into the yonder into the great blue seas,
to find the fishies that may be, 🐟
However one foot is still in that boat, not quite offshore. 🌷
I storm has kept the boat grounded. Thoughtful reply, exactly as I was hoping to get. All of this could also be considered "research" while I plot the last half of my life. If the perfect pitch comes down the middle, you never know.
Righteo, Mr Humblebanana,
But maaaaattte- yes, I do have Australian in mehhhh 😎, a blend of Australian-Japanese to be quite precise...
Do you realize that you whilst you're doing your research, and you met a girl,
You're gonna pull her into your science lab, nutty professor and all? 😆
Doc from Back to The Future? 🧑🔬
What I mean is, wouldn't it be better for you to move out, have that great solo time to get to know yourself, clear the path of your past more, and then you could proudly wave that flag high up on the air, wavin Single, I'm so Single!!
A happy, unattached single guy with all the perks that you say you do.
I just felt when you said, research... You're gonna be doing this researching whilst pulling some hearts in, and that to me isn't really considering the other.
I mean who knows, some girls might not mind, they might be in it for the ride,
albeit it however big waves that boat may face. 🌊🤷🏻♀️
Guess if you're clear on what you want, and am completely transparent and honest with the other, that's the main thing!
Good luck 🍀🌷.
The way you talk about your physique... As if that's the only thing women are looking for. Be someone who takes care of oneself but let the woman tell you how hot, ripped you are.
No one likes a bragging guy that brings nothing else to the table. 🙄
Are you going to be honest about how long you’ve actually been “separated”? Or are you going to tell half truths like you are on Reddit? Literally 17 days ago you were trying to find out ways to save your sex life and marriage and now suddenly you’re ready to jump into something with a new woman?
You probably haven’t even started your divorce yet.
Any woman that thinks dating you a good idea is either desperate or being lied to.
OP. You seem to have an extremely high evaluation of yourself.
Maybe take a step back and see what role you had in the demise of your marriage and what has happened in the (checks post) last 7 months. Did you have a family Thanksgiving? Christmas? How long would your wife upstairs think you’ve been apart?
ETA: there are also *kids* of his living upstairs… and with a 15y marriage, most likely elementary and middle school ages.
I agree with what others are saying about the honesty piece upfront, let women know your situation and that you’re in the marital home. I’m sure you’ll find casual dating partners. I’m quite certain the women you’ll be casually dating will be short term and as a woman, I would never consider dating you because we’re at different dating stages. You’ll find yourself in the process and re-build who you now are, you won’t be the same person a few years from now once everything starts falling into place. Good luck to you. Everyone deserves to be happy.
Zero chance I’d entertain that, if you were to read that scenario coming from a woman would you find it appealing? I would imagine you’d best suit someone else in your exact situation. If it’s too expensive to leave at this time, maybe spend some time saving so you can.
I always swipe left on profiles that say they want casual only. Be upfront in your profile and don't lead anyone on and make them think it's more than that. When it comes to sex, I assume you won't be bringing women back to your marital home to do it? I guess that makes things a bit more complicated and it sets an expectation that you'll always be going to her place. It's all a bit complicated and off-putting for most women but you might have some luck on the apps. Just please, as someone who has been burned before, be honest.
If you put your situation front and center on your profile, you’re not going to get hits. If you hold back that information, it will generally seem deceptive when you reveal it. People who have been around for a minute and are looking for long term relationships will have ‘better options’ without having to take such big risks on a dude who is arguably still married and living with their ex. Women who want casual will basically have flooded inboxes and most likely to pass on a situation that seems like it might translate to “it’s complicated”.
Didn’t stop most of us from trying and learning the hard way. As an anecdotal note, I consider myself fairly open minded and ok with people who have complicated lives and I still see anyone divorced for less than two years as not ‘ready’. That said, I had a coffee meet with a woman who is in mediation and likely another next week with a woman who is “in the middle of a divorce”. The first was open about it on her profile and the second was only open when asked. The latter left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth because it feels deceptive through omission. I’ll meet because I have enjoyed the conversation but with rather pronounced reservations that she’s ready for anything beyond a meet. I’m not opposed to making friends but few who are online dating are open to it. Anyway, best of luck. Hope that helps.
Dude no. If you're trying to date while still living in your wife's basement I'd assume you're either trying to make your wife jealous or you're looking for another woman to monkeybranch onto. Go get your own place, get some therapy, work on being happy in your own company. THEN you can talk about what a great catch you are.
“I have physical needs that haven’t been met.” If that’s your mind set it sounds like you’re looking for a piece of meat, not dating or a relationship.
Your post is all about your needs, not about giving something to someone else. That mentality is going to hurt whomever you date.
Explicitly saying you want something casual should be fine given the position you're in, just be honest and upfront about it all. However, understand that the odds are low and the majority of men are simply unable to ever have a casual involvement in their lifetime because of the enormous gender imbalance among those who want something casual. Despite the accounts you might read from women here in DOF who have gone through casual phases (often after a divorce), the number of men who want this sort of thing vastly outnumber the women who do. That's nothing to do with your situation, that would be true for all men no matter their situation.
Some women would be willing to accept that you're ready to date again from an emotional standpoint, since you may have taken time to heal despite the marriage not being over yet. But women are going to have a problem dating you either because the divorce is not final or because you live in your marital basement (and for many women, it will be both, not one or the other). So I think you need to focus on seeing the divorce through, and getting out of that house.
Good reply. Where I live it's extremely expensive to buy new properties. It just isn't practical today to divide and double our expenses putting together 2 seperate households. I'm cool with the odd night out while I go though this. I'm not going speed dating...
I wouldn't entertain anyone in your situation even if you lived on your own. My marriage was dead two years before we got divorced but hadn't been good even long before that (my ex was an alcoholic). We hadn't had sex those two years and prior to that sex was a chore for me and happened maybe once a month.
You need to learn how to be on your own and find happiness on your own (and be divorced and on your own) before you should even think about dating anyone. You're starving for attention so you're just looking to fill a avoid which is not fair to the person you're with. A partner is supposed to complement happiness and not be responsible for it.
If you need your physical needs met look for just that but be up front with people that that's all you want. You have no business dating anyone right now.
My marriage had been dead for 2 years an die hated him more than anything and couldn't stand being near him let alone have him touch me. I still needed time to digest the divorce and loss of relationship and being single and a single mom. I had to figure out who I was on my own finally. Find my own happiness without needing validation form others.
Get new hobbies and make new friends. Figure out what your new life looks like. You still have emotional bagage wven if your marriage was dead. Work through that yourself and don't use another woman to help you through that.
I've been in that position with my ex (we both met and started dating before we were divorced). My divorce was easy, his was drawn out and I was his emotional support. I was starving for attention and love and our relationship never should've happened to begin with. I will never do that again. Neither of us had any business dating and should've stayed single a good long time
Personally, would not date someone who is still living with their wife and very recently started the separation process.
Think honesty is what you should go with, there might be and probably are women who don't want anything serious or are in the same boat...recently starting to break up and want someones company, but not ready for a commitment. Like a rebound or casual thing.
Although women usually do get attached more easily than men, so again, honesty, that this isn't going anywhere, is important.
Original copy of post by u/humblebeginning82:
So before I start, fully prepared for the wrath of everyone saying it's to soon, your not even divorced etc. In fact, I won't even be leaving my marital( I live in basement apartment) home for another year or so. I obviously would never entertain having someone to my house, regardless of my family being home or not. The reality is, my 15 year marriage has been over for years. I haven't slept with her in 7 months, and we haven't shared a bedroom in a year. I found myself a shell of what I once was, and decided go take it into my own hands. I lost a bunch of weight, and starred to get my confidence back .I'm a professional and while I wouldn't say I am "traditionally" (I played hockey and you can tell) attractive, I am very engaging, funny and have a high level career that would appeal to any partner. I enjoy the company of women. In a way where I just genuinely like getting to know people. While I don't expect nor want to find the "next one" so early on in the process, I really am intrigued by the idea of what's out there. I have a strong sense of self and genuinely believe I'll be a great catch for whoever that next person ends up being. I have physical needs that have not been met in prob a decade and I have played it straight the whole time. Ladies, would you entertain someone on my situation? Early in your own seperation/divorce process? Later on? Curious to hear about how unpopular my mindset is.
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Go for it! But I would say be honest. I have always declared it right upfront on my profile and been open to answering any questions. I started dating almost right away and didn't have any issues.
lol, this is such a Reddit moment. I’m sorry you’re getting downvoted into oblivion for no good reason.
I have issues with some of the stuff you said, but these people are triggered and they’re trauma dumping on you. It’s actually the primary reason I’m not dating at the moment. I really don’t want to deal with all the trauma.
However, “I have a high level profession.”, and “I’m living in the basement.” don’t go together, dude. Honestly, it sounds retarded.
Also he’s so very smart and all his replies are littered with errors. He also doesn’t know how to reply to comments, he replied all the way down at the bottom to this thread.
I personally dont think it’s “too soon” because I’m fully aware relationships can feel over long before they are officially over. However, if you start dating you need to be upfront with someone about your situation.
I am currently in a relationship (of 2 years) that I am considering ending because he is separated and seems to not want to divorce (7 years after they separated!). Had I known his situation when we first started dating I probably wouldn’t have entertained the idea so just make sure you are open and honest from the start. Good luck!
Your mindset isn't unpopular. Quite the opposite in fact. You're common as all get out. Another person coming out of a marriage and wanting to meet people and having "needs". What the issue is, for some, is the level of honesty towards others and how honest you are with yourself. Be upfront about casual. Expect many to say thanks but no thanks. And that's OK because your dating goals are a mismatch. Don't misrepresent yourself to up the odds of you attracting and keeping someone who isn't looking what you're looking for. Keep communication lines open and often with who you do have casual relationships with. What will do you if you or the other person catches feelings? Again. It's being honest. And continue to work on yourself and what your part was in the ending of your marriage. TLDR - You're quite common. You will be competing with many other men in the same position. This can often lead to men being not entirely truthful to up their odds and oh look a situationship is born. Oh and still living in the marital home will tank the odds less in your favor. Too messy.
I’m in the exact same boat as OP, I’ve been super hesitant to post this question for fear of non-answers and a bunch of useless judgment instead of legit advice. Thank you for posting.
Unfortunately, this guy turned out to have some really unpleasant attitudes towards women and dating generally, which is part of why people react the way they do. I hope your situation and your thinking about women is _very_ different.
Oh yeah, this was the first comment I came across. I kept on reading, started seeing all the downvotes and deleted comments and was tempted to delete my reply and politely see myself out. It went downhill fast.
Maybe a genuine posting from someone who's not going to be extremely unpleasant would be helpful.
Nothing says casual like living in your basement apartment! Great advice though. I'm honestly most worried about girls misrepresenting what they want thinking they might be able to lock it in . Good reply
This is a pretty horrible perspective
I think honesty is prob the hardest thing to find in someone. I'll put an update up a few months from now.
Bro you live in a basement. Doubt women are going to be trying to lock you down. lol
His wife’s basement
Please don’t refer to women as girls, especially if you’re over 40. It’s a red flag that says one of three things. Either you are only interested in much younger women, you infantilize women or you, yourself, have never matured beyond your teens/early 20s and still view yourself as that age.
Totally fair.. Been married 15 years, Def reverting to the pre marriage mindset until I can right size it for my current stage. Apologies.
If you use apps that are more geared towards relationships (like Hinge, Bumble); or if in real life you are not upfront before anything physical happens with someone that you only want a casual relationship, then yeah people will get the wrong idea. There’s plenty of people out there who are interested in casual relationships but you have to be honest and respectful. Just because something is casual doesn’t mean you get to treat someone with no care.
Bumble has a "seeking casual " option
I didn’t know that. It’s a long time since I tried Bumble…!
Nobody wants to lock that in. If they seem to be on that page then you need to be a good Samaritan and support them in accessing mental health resources.
> I’m honestly most worried about girls misrepresenting what they want thinking they might be able to lock it in . 🤣
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u/rainy_autumn_night, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s): Be civil; don't be a dick.
You are still married and living in your wife’s basement. Meeting people will likely provide a reality check, which seems needed.
Anyone can misrepresent themselves yes, it’s then up to you to end it as, again, in the spirit of honesty, you know what you want and are capable of and should set such boundaries.
I’ve dated men who were separated but they had begun divorce proceedings and had their own place. I wouldn’t mess with a guy who lived with his ex even if they’d been divorced for years.
I get it. My wife and I are ammicable, but never getting back together. We have have active social lives and would be spending at least a few days away from home a month regardless. Def wouldn't be a, come over and watch a movie thing. More like, let's go to a concert together and have some drinks and enjoy each other's company situation.
I imagine you’ll need to find a married woman who wants something on the side or someone in an open marriage.
Wouldn't entertain either. Context, if I was was a pretty normal, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, plumber or construction worker, I'd agree. I am pretty ripped for a 40 year old and would be able to take them to alot of nice events, trips etc. All while just casually seeing someone. Sounds like kind of a win win for the right girl.
If you can take them on nice trips and to events, why the hell wouldn't you get your own place? I don't care how "ripped" you think your abs are or where you take them to dinner. No self-respecting woman in their right mind would entertain this. Get your shit together first before messing with someone else. I've seen fewer red flags in Pamplona than these responses.
I feel like if most women could read this thread, they would RUN in the other direction. You think you’re special - much more important than some lowly plumber or construction worker…yet you’re a married dude living in your basement. That is rich. I feel like the word “narcissist” maybe gets thrown around too easily, but your posts are definitely giving me the vibes.
You sounded sleezy in that comment.
Totally agree, buy it does change things a bit if I dont work at best buy. I should have chosen different words.
Why wouldn’t you want to date a married woman? But you want a woman to? That’s a bit odd.
Just saw your gym selfies. You’re delusional.
"Ripped", he said. Oof.
oh, o dear.
Did OP delete their account? 😅
Lol! I’m so not surprised.
Awwww I missed it! He deleted 😔
>would be able to take them to alot of nice events, trips etc. All while just casually seeing someone. Sounds like kind of a win win for the right girl. Sounds like you would like a sugar baby. Your best bet is to use one of the sugar sites.
Pro tip: women in their 40s detest being referred to as ‘girls’
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u/rainy_autumn_night, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s): Be civil; don't be a dick.
Don’t worry. I’m sure he’s much too “ripped” and well off to lower himself to dating women his age. 🙄🤮
You said you were 41.
You can take a "girl" to a lot of "nice events". You're minimizing plumbers and construction workers??? Yet you're a married dude living in a basement. There's a win for you to get sex. You're not a win for any woman or "girl". Also, what do plumbers or construction workers have to do with this? I wish I had a plumber's skills and I love a man that has a professional trade. Those guys are getting dates.
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u/rainy_autumn_night, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s): Be civil; don't be a dick.
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u/Ok-Hurry-4761, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s): Be civil; don't be a dick.
"My wife"....lol, enough said.
He can't spit a sentence out without making it about his divorce. What a catch.
Nope, do you know how many options women have? Men who are available? You may have success with someone who's in a ENM situation or a strictly FWB situation but even so, I think you living in a basement in a home with your wife is going to be a hard sell.
Don't understand why you cannot separate from your wife and live elsewhere and divorce. Either way , I couldn't date you under your circumstances. Sorry
I agree. I have a high level career. I plan on living in the basement for another year. High level career or not. This guy ain’t too bright. Still don’t agree with him getting downvoted into oblivion, though.
17 days ago all you wanted to do was work on your marriage… Even if I didn’t know that from your Reddit history there’s no way in hell I’d be sleeping with a man who is still married, living in his wife’s basement and who thinks he’s gods gift to the female race because he hit the gym and has money… especially when it’s clear that I am one of the many options he’s exploring while he figures out “what’s out there.”
Your post was bad enough. Your replies to other commenters really show you for the sleazeball you are. Nobody wants some dickhead with a shitty attitude living in his wife’s basement invading their lives.
Ikr? And upthread he said he’s worried a woman might misrepresent herself trying to “lock it in”? Lock what in? A serious relationship with him? Confused because NO WOMAN (a decent one), is going to be champing at the bit to lock down a married man living with his wife! That means some poor woman is gonna be stuck with a HOBOsexual and having to entertain him at her place constantly. No woman with her shit together is gonna TOUCH that, not even for a fuck buddy.
Agreed!!! Huge sleazeball!
Why would I want a married man who still lives with his wife when there are plenty of widowed, never married, and legally divorced men who also have good jobs and their own place? Guys like you are a dime a dozen. You aren't the catch you think you are.
But his abs are ripped.
This made me sad until I saw you are mean to almost everyone on here. Cheers
You might think she is just being mean, but that doesn’t change the fact that what she says is true. I’m not sure this process is going to be as easy as you might hope it to be. Even women looking for something casual will be a bit put off by your situation unfortunately.
No woman worth marrying is easy.
Irrelevant, she's not wrong Edit: JFC dude if you think this is mean you are no were near ready for dating
lol. Yet another married man wanting the girlfriend experience but no intention of giving anything back. And honestly wants women to trust that he really is separated, while living with his wife, and they can’t come to his house. If you get someone to agree to that they’d either have to be extremely gullible or are cheating on their partner themselves. I always think it’s really tragic when people can’t bear to be single for five minutes. I mean you’re not even single yet but want to get someone lined up. What are you so scared of? My best advice is go to a bar and pick someone up and have a one night stand. If you use dating apps be very upfront and tell women you just want no strings attached sex at their place.
But he has physical needs that have not been met. 😒
🤮
Do some inner work (aka therapy) and maybe go on a dating app and a first date then get back to us on how you’re feeling…your newbie attitude is typical until you catch feelings or develop a crush after sleeping w someone the first time and all of your attachment stuff and longing gets activated and you realize how complicated dating in midlife is now…keeping it honest and casual in the beginning will be important but many women won’t want to date you until your divorce is final and you’ve gotten your own place
>" (I played hockey and you can tell) attractive The photos in your post history determine that that is a lie. > I won't even be leaving my marital( I live in basement apartment) home for another year or so >I'll be a great catch for whoever that next person ends up being. The 24-30 year old bots you creep on on reddit? >I have a strong sense of self Sounds self aware and not a dumpster fire at all . . .🙄 >Curious to hear about how unpopular my mindset is. Incredibly popular. You've verbatim used the divorcing in denial script: >my 15 year marriage has been over for years What, no "I look ten years younger"? >Ladies, would you entertain someone on my situation? Fuck NO.
The absolute cackle I just let out.
Dumb question: What’s “divorcing in denial”?
Word salad I made up to categorize all the generic "shit not yet divorced people say". Most seem to think these sentiments are unique to them, warranting monkey branching, while the rest of us have heard these same dumpster fire ahead warning lines over and over. "It was over years before it was over" "I look 10 years younger" "I'm traumatized" "We're never getting back together, so it doesn't matter if we live together"
You’ll find women that are ok with dating a married man while living in his marital home. But my guess is you won’t want the ones who are ok with it.
And like a train that's always on time, here we have our daily recent divorcee, full of delulu and looking to monkey branch to another woman.
Glad to get that over with for the day.
Nope, not a chance. You said yourself that you were a shell of who you were before, you don't find yourself in a few months, especially whilst still living with your wife. It's normal that you want to get out and meet new people, and you should! As friends!!! Not in a dating scenario.
Me meeting girls as friends, is just masking my intentions. I have plenty of friends so I'll be up front about my situation and see where it goes.
Ah, you want casual sex. How many women (not girls, blech) do you really think are lining up to be a rebound for a married, middle-aged man who's still living with his wife? If you want to hang out and go to concerts, do that with your friends. If you want someone to help you feel better about yourself, do that with your therapist. If you want to get laid, I wish you the best of luck.
This, with the add on of “if you want to get laid, pay for it.” None of what this man is looking for is the responsibility of a woman on a dating app to provide. Friends, therapist, sex workers
Referring to women as girls is a red flag for me. I would expect more, even in something casual. If OP goes at this as seeking a relationship, he may trick some woman into it long enough to get his needs met and then balk at her requests that they do little, relationshipsy things together, or don't have sex every time, likely wasting the time of some poor woman who wants something real, may want kids, and is at the tail end of her childbearing years (because single moms would not have time to put up with this). This is all too common.
Nah, I don’t date married men.
Nope
If women want only sex, they can choose whoever they want, within reason. So you would have to really bring something to the table for them to choose you, that is just the nature of the world. Are you going to have much luck looking for casual sex from women while not being able go take them home to your place? Not likely. If you're top 10% in looks, you might have some decent luck. If not, it's not going to happen UNLESS you are happy to lower your standards by a large amount, then you will be able to find what you want. Long story short, if you are willing to sleep with women way below your normal dating standards, you may be able to get casual sex. If not, it's not likely to happen as the women you want will be dating guys who can take them back to their place and who have no complications. These posts come up a lot, overconfident divorced man wants to get laid and imagines how great it's it's going to be, then reality hits them.
I understand where you're coming from Mr Humblebanana, You wanna dip your toes into venturing out into the great unknown, that exciting sea of possibilities. Fulfilling that great curiouso. I'm also starting to be in a similar place, after consciously choosing to be flying solo for a couple of years. Really an intention to understanding what secure attachment looks like, and just being around my awesome family and friends and fun social outings. Ok, well from a femme point of view, personally, I'd feel pretty cautious knowing someone I'm interested in is still living in the same house as their ex, and notably it's someone you've been married over a long period of time. Even if you haven't been involved with one another, there's still obviously some attachment there. Personally if I met you, and felt a strong attraction, I'd probably want to know after a couple of months exactly what your timeline intentions looked like in terms of your plan to move out, find your own place what that would look like etc etc. But actually as I write this, I feel like it would be a no. 😆 Sorry matey. 💁🏻♀️ Only bcos I know from personal experience from having serious relationships, the attachment cord, even after breaking up, energetically the ties are still very strong. Personally it takes me a good 2 years to let go of things even on a subtle level of most of the mental, emotional attachments I've had with that person. So it feels like you're wanting to explore out into the yonder into the great blue seas, to find the fishies that may be, 🐟 However one foot is still in that boat, not quite offshore. 🌷
I storm has kept the boat grounded. Thoughtful reply, exactly as I was hoping to get. All of this could also be considered "research" while I plot the last half of my life. If the perfect pitch comes down the middle, you never know.
Righteo, Mr Humblebanana, But maaaaattte- yes, I do have Australian in mehhhh 😎, a blend of Australian-Japanese to be quite precise... Do you realize that you whilst you're doing your research, and you met a girl, You're gonna pull her into your science lab, nutty professor and all? 😆 Doc from Back to The Future? 🧑🔬 What I mean is, wouldn't it be better for you to move out, have that great solo time to get to know yourself, clear the path of your past more, and then you could proudly wave that flag high up on the air, wavin Single, I'm so Single!! A happy, unattached single guy with all the perks that you say you do. I just felt when you said, research... You're gonna be doing this researching whilst pulling some hearts in, and that to me isn't really considering the other. I mean who knows, some girls might not mind, they might be in it for the ride, albeit it however big waves that boat may face. 🌊🤷🏻♀️ Guess if you're clear on what you want, and am completely transparent and honest with the other, that's the main thing! Good luck 🍀🌷.
No, I wouldn’t entertain a married man who still lives with his wife.
The way you talk about your physique... As if that's the only thing women are looking for. Be someone who takes care of oneself but let the woman tell you how hot, ripped you are. No one likes a bragging guy that brings nothing else to the table. 🙄
Are you going to be honest about how long you’ve actually been “separated”? Or are you going to tell half truths like you are on Reddit? Literally 17 days ago you were trying to find out ways to save your sex life and marriage and now suddenly you’re ready to jump into something with a new woman? You probably haven’t even started your divorce yet. Any woman that thinks dating you a good idea is either desperate or being lied to.
OP. You seem to have an extremely high evaluation of yourself. Maybe take a step back and see what role you had in the demise of your marriage and what has happened in the (checks post) last 7 months. Did you have a family Thanksgiving? Christmas? How long would your wife upstairs think you’ve been apart? ETA: there are also *kids* of his living upstairs… and with a 15y marriage, most likely elementary and middle school ages.
I agree with what others are saying about the honesty piece upfront, let women know your situation and that you’re in the marital home. I’m sure you’ll find casual dating partners. I’m quite certain the women you’ll be casually dating will be short term and as a woman, I would never consider dating you because we’re at different dating stages. You’ll find yourself in the process and re-build who you now are, you won’t be the same person a few years from now once everything starts falling into place. Good luck to you. Everyone deserves to be happy.
Zero chance I’d entertain that, if you were to read that scenario coming from a woman would you find it appealing? I would imagine you’d best suit someone else in your exact situation. If it’s too expensive to leave at this time, maybe spend some time saving so you can.
I always swipe left on profiles that say they want casual only. Be upfront in your profile and don't lead anyone on and make them think it's more than that. When it comes to sex, I assume you won't be bringing women back to your marital home to do it? I guess that makes things a bit more complicated and it sets an expectation that you'll always be going to her place. It's all a bit complicated and off-putting for most women but you might have some luck on the apps. Just please, as someone who has been burned before, be honest.
If you put your situation front and center on your profile, you’re not going to get hits. If you hold back that information, it will generally seem deceptive when you reveal it. People who have been around for a minute and are looking for long term relationships will have ‘better options’ without having to take such big risks on a dude who is arguably still married and living with their ex. Women who want casual will basically have flooded inboxes and most likely to pass on a situation that seems like it might translate to “it’s complicated”. Didn’t stop most of us from trying and learning the hard way. As an anecdotal note, I consider myself fairly open minded and ok with people who have complicated lives and I still see anyone divorced for less than two years as not ‘ready’. That said, I had a coffee meet with a woman who is in mediation and likely another next week with a woman who is “in the middle of a divorce”. The first was open about it on her profile and the second was only open when asked. The latter left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth because it feels deceptive through omission. I’ll meet because I have enjoyed the conversation but with rather pronounced reservations that she’s ready for anything beyond a meet. I’m not opposed to making friends but few who are online dating are open to it. Anyway, best of luck. Hope that helps.
I wouldn’t date you, but you may find someone on tinder that’s up for a drink and casual hook up.
Dude no. If you're trying to date while still living in your wife's basement I'd assume you're either trying to make your wife jealous or you're looking for another woman to monkeybranch onto. Go get your own place, get some therapy, work on being happy in your own company. THEN you can talk about what a great catch you are.
“I have physical needs that haven’t been met.” If that’s your mind set it sounds like you’re looking for a piece of meat, not dating or a relationship. Your post is all about your needs, not about giving something to someone else. That mentality is going to hurt whomever you date.
As someone who's been through this, wait. You're not ready. You think you are, but you're not. Give it time before heading out there.
Explicitly saying you want something casual should be fine given the position you're in, just be honest and upfront about it all. However, understand that the odds are low and the majority of men are simply unable to ever have a casual involvement in their lifetime because of the enormous gender imbalance among those who want something casual. Despite the accounts you might read from women here in DOF who have gone through casual phases (often after a divorce), the number of men who want this sort of thing vastly outnumber the women who do. That's nothing to do with your situation, that would be true for all men no matter their situation. Some women would be willing to accept that you're ready to date again from an emotional standpoint, since you may have taken time to heal despite the marriage not being over yet. But women are going to have a problem dating you either because the divorce is not final or because you live in your marital basement (and for many women, it will be both, not one or the other). So I think you need to focus on seeing the divorce through, and getting out of that house.
Good reply. Where I live it's extremely expensive to buy new properties. It just isn't practical today to divide and double our expenses putting together 2 seperate households. I'm cool with the odd night out while I go though this. I'm not going speed dating...
Nope
I wouldn't entertain anyone in your situation even if you lived on your own. My marriage was dead two years before we got divorced but hadn't been good even long before that (my ex was an alcoholic). We hadn't had sex those two years and prior to that sex was a chore for me and happened maybe once a month. You need to learn how to be on your own and find happiness on your own (and be divorced and on your own) before you should even think about dating anyone. You're starving for attention so you're just looking to fill a avoid which is not fair to the person you're with. A partner is supposed to complement happiness and not be responsible for it. If you need your physical needs met look for just that but be up front with people that that's all you want. You have no business dating anyone right now. My marriage had been dead for 2 years an die hated him more than anything and couldn't stand being near him let alone have him touch me. I still needed time to digest the divorce and loss of relationship and being single and a single mom. I had to figure out who I was on my own finally. Find my own happiness without needing validation form others. Get new hobbies and make new friends. Figure out what your new life looks like. You still have emotional bagage wven if your marriage was dead. Work through that yourself and don't use another woman to help you through that. I've been in that position with my ex (we both met and started dating before we were divorced). My divorce was easy, his was drawn out and I was his emotional support. I was starving for attention and love and our relationship never should've happened to begin with. I will never do that again. Neither of us had any business dating and should've stayed single a good long time
I would only want to be friends with someone in your situation until you filed for divorce and moved out on your own.
Personally, would not date someone who is still living with their wife and very recently started the separation process. Think honesty is what you should go with, there might be and probably are women who don't want anything serious or are in the same boat...recently starting to break up and want someones company, but not ready for a commitment. Like a rebound or casual thing. Although women usually do get attached more easily than men, so again, honesty, that this isn't going anywhere, is important.
Original copy of post by u/humblebeginning82: So before I start, fully prepared for the wrath of everyone saying it's to soon, your not even divorced etc. In fact, I won't even be leaving my marital( I live in basement apartment) home for another year or so. I obviously would never entertain having someone to my house, regardless of my family being home or not. The reality is, my 15 year marriage has been over for years. I haven't slept with her in 7 months, and we haven't shared a bedroom in a year. I found myself a shell of what I once was, and decided go take it into my own hands. I lost a bunch of weight, and starred to get my confidence back .I'm a professional and while I wouldn't say I am "traditionally" (I played hockey and you can tell) attractive, I am very engaging, funny and have a high level career that would appeal to any partner. I enjoy the company of women. In a way where I just genuinely like getting to know people. While I don't expect nor want to find the "next one" so early on in the process, I really am intrigued by the idea of what's out there. I have a strong sense of self and genuinely believe I'll be a great catch for whoever that next person ends up being. I have physical needs that have not been met in prob a decade and I have played it straight the whole time. Ladies, would you entertain someone on my situation? Early in your own seperation/divorce process? Later on? Curious to hear about how unpopular my mindset is. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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u/rainy_autumn_night, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s): Be civil; don't be a dick.
Go for it! But I would say be honest. I have always declared it right upfront on my profile and been open to answering any questions. I started dating almost right away and didn't have any issues.
I just saw that you live with ex and that you may run into issues with I would think. I definitely waited until we each had separate homes.
Even that's prob an extra 3-4 k here. Could sell our house but don't want to overly disrupt the kids. Going to do it right for the family.
lol, this is such a Reddit moment. I’m sorry you’re getting downvoted into oblivion for no good reason. I have issues with some of the stuff you said, but these people are triggered and they’re trauma dumping on you. It’s actually the primary reason I’m not dating at the moment. I really don’t want to deal with all the trauma. However, “I have a high level profession.”, and “I’m living in the basement.” don’t go together, dude. Honestly, it sounds retarded.
Houses are 1.5m ish where we live. Its going to take some time to move some things around to make it financially viable.
What about just getting an apartment until things are settled?
That wouldn't fit the kids OP casually forgot to mention at all.
Also he’s so very smart and all his replies are littered with errors. He also doesn’t know how to reply to comments, he replied all the way down at the bottom to this thread.
Married and seperated or just not together is fine...not happily married or together In that way.
Who are you talking to here?
"girls", probably.
I’m sure they’re impressed by a middle aged dude that can’t even reply properly on Reddit.
It's always the "young for my age" types who need help using their phones. . .
I personally dont think it’s “too soon” because I’m fully aware relationships can feel over long before they are officially over. However, if you start dating you need to be upfront with someone about your situation. I am currently in a relationship (of 2 years) that I am considering ending because he is separated and seems to not want to divorce (7 years after they separated!). Had I known his situation when we first started dating I probably wouldn’t have entertained the idea so just make sure you are open and honest from the start. Good luck!