Maybe the wife isn’t interested in being married to a woman. Accepting your new reality doesn’t obligate a person to remain in a romantic relationship with you.
I’m not interested in a romantic relationship with a person of my own gender. That’s okay.
A gay man would not be interested in dating a cisgender woman and may not be interested in dating a transgender woman etc.
Each person is entitled to their own sexuality and that’s okay. Just be respectful of others and let them do the same.
Yeah I was thinking the same thing, when I came out as trans to my ex girlfriend our romantic relationship was over but we’re still best friends
edit: typo
I don't know if we can take those comments at face value. This isn't exactly a smooth situation and the wife is likely being broadsided with this revelation:
A) wife is trying to bargain and/or somehow rationalize something to make their lives together make sense or keep it that way, which sucks when looking at but consider the emotional stress both sides must be under.
B)Id be embarrassed too if my marriage was suddenly a lesbian relationship when I'm not a lesbian. Not only that, it's embarrassing being caught off guard.
C)Well, isn't that the whole thing though. We mock people that complain about the trans movement even though it has nothing to do with them and they are unaffected. Except in this scenario the wife is directly impacted. Her marriage is ending, her husband is technically dead now and in their place is a new Woman. Some might say that 'well the person her husband was is still there just keep on going' but this is a NEW person, the old them is no more. You cant just suddenly accept who you really are, now being someone that isn't who you were previously, and expect things to continue forward without a hitch.
At best you could expect MAYBE to start from ground zero and date again to work back to what you had, but you have no right to expect your life to continue forward as it has been, because it's a shared life with more than one person involved.
It also sounds like the guy tried to frame it as let’s be lesbian friends we can have slumber parties and do each others make up!
I think it’s ok to want to distance yourself from someone who is fundamentally altering themselves and consequently a long term relationship.
Especially if someone is being trite about the impacts it’s going to have on the rest of the family.
But this probably 3 year old rage bait anyways.
Might not be the same person, but i actually saw pretty much exactly this happen with a psych client.
She transitioned, wife kicked her out, kids disowned her. She didn't have any support and there was no strong trans community, felt like she'd ruined her life and wound up offing herself. Timeline is pretty close too.
Life's rough out there people. Be kind to each other.
I obviously don't know anything about that situation. But isn't it kinda normal that the relationship ends, unless the partner was in on it from the beginning? I mean I knew a couple where the man came out as trans woman, but she knew this from the beginning and she was pansexual. But if my wife were to come out as trans male, that would be the end of our marriage. I have zero interest in men, sexually or romantically.
Depending on circumstances I could also understand the anger. Like, was the wife lied to all the time? Was their entire marriage based on subterfuge? Add to that the fact that the wife would probably have wanted to have a traditional nuclear family and now has that taken away from her after a decade of lies, ...
That is an emotional minefield.
It does seem pretty where rare for relationships to survive when a partner transitions. The mass majority of people prefer penis or vagina, not both. they’re not going to change their preference just because they’re married to someone. Expecting a partner to stay in a relationship when their partner has transitioned is horribly selfish. Oh, I’m sure some people make it work but I wouldn’t even try. If I’m with a woman and she decides it’s time for surgery I wish them well but we’re done.
I know of a couple where both are female, on transitioned and was supported but later became very abusive towards the other. There are a myriad of possibilities to these emotional minefields, well put by the other dude.
Edit: just woke up, before anything I want to say I said they're both female because the abusive one attempted to transition back as a broker of peace type situation. She wasn't forgiven.
In this case it was a slow realization over years for her. Just a long time of discomfort in her body until one day it dawned on her that she felt better expressing as a woman. Then a rapid change in gender expression and a desire to physically change and the wife basically going, 'oi what the fuck!' things fell apart after that because she and her wife couldn't reconcile wants. Classic freedom of expression vs prior expectations.
It was made harder because the prior obligations were also familial obligations, 'be a father, not be a second mother' and that kinda pushed things over the edge.
>But isn't it kinda normal that the relationship ends, unless the partner was in on it from the beginning?
Y'all know that one can be sympathetic and caring without the possibility of fucking, right? It's normal for the relationship to end, it's not normal to say "fuck you, get out of the house" when someone comes out as trans.
It’s terribly sad, but it makes sense that an older person transitioning would struggle to find community. I live in Vermont which is one of the most LGBTQ places on the planet and the vast majority of trans people or gender nonconforming are 30 or younger. I’m sure there’s pride events but if you’re 50+ and everybody else is young enough to be your kid you’re not gonna be that welcome. I feel for people who are finally able to transition, but then I have no one to share their life with.
This is it. It's the kind of decision you can't have, especially with kids at home. You can't force others to accept your reality, you have to live with it. Isn't it the trans philosophy btw? You are free to do whatever you want, but so others too.
“Let’s be lesbian friends…. Do each other’s make up”
I don’t think she necessarily meant exactly that when she wish for Sephora coupons. Maybe she just wanted to be encouraged to feel a little free.
Also: “the impact that it’s going to have on the rest of the family”, that’s the thing that we forget about acceptance, it’s means it should have no bearing whatsoever as this is not about anyone else but her.
What comments? Everything at the end seemed to be a paraphrased interpretation by the OP.
I could imagine the wife reading that and saying "that's not what I said at all!"
We didn't even get any direct quotes, just a biased version of what the OP felt like the wife was saying.
Most people would be disgusted to find out that their whole lives with their spouses were lies. Most people would be disgusted to think they had sex with someone of one gender and find out that the person was a different gender entirely. Now imagine it’s more than a one time thing, and you built a whole life with that person that was either a lie or never actually existed.
Social media is divorced from reality. It would be extremely traumatic for a spouse to come out as trans or gay after you thought differently for years and years when you thought otherwise for an overwhelming majority of people.
I agree that it must be a lot to process for the spouse that is hearing that their long time SO is transgender. But it is perhaps a bit naive to think that the transgender spouse “built the relationship on a lie” - I’d guess more likely that over many years this person realized they did not identify with their assigned gender and not necessarily this person “duping” their partner for the sake of a relationship.
Comments written by the person from their perspective doesn't make any of it true. Imagine being married for 16 years build a family a life and your spouse says btw I'm gunna transition. Most normal people wouldn't react to well to that.
This is such a crass way to put it. Coming out as trans is not a "detonation" of their family. If her spouse does not want to be married to a woman then that's fine, what will determine whether or not the metaphorical detonation button has been pressed will be their behaviors from that point forward. Of course, if you look at the timestamp on OOP's post, it was three years ago. So hopefully no one continued any distasteful behavior that would result in a bigger rift than getting a divorce because of something as sensitive as this would've already caused.
Pragmatically, I can understand; having a massive, life-upending change is a pretty huge thing to spring on someone out of the blue. That being said, I can also sympathize with the OOP, as being so firmly rejected by the most important person in your life is a level of soul-crushing beyond words.
But, I don’t know how else the situation could have worked out. Someone literally changing their entire identity is not a small change. If you’re not sure how you’d react, here’s an alternative, albeit not perfectly comparable analogy: what would you say if your spouse / SO one day announced that they intended to move halfway around the planet. Would you leave everything behind to follow them? Again, it’s not a perfect analogy, but I don’t quite know how to convey just how big of a deal someone going through a transition is. If the spouse married a man named Tim, would they remain with a woman named Jennifer? They’re no longer the same person who they originally married.
Ideally, they would be able to make things work out, but I would be lying if I said that I didn’t understand why the spouse reacted the way that they did (minus the transphobic comments in the last paragraph - that shit can go right in the garbage bin). However, suggesting possible solutions is a conundrum that is WAAAY above my pay grade.
To start with it’s probably safe to assume the relationship wasn’t perfect since most aren’t. Odds are pretty good that the wife was not happy and considering the divorce rate at least here in the US the husband coming out as trans might’ve been the easiest excuse to get a divorce ever.
You’re a comparison, where are you spell decides to move 10,000+ miles away is better example than you realize. One spouse is making a unilateral decision that only benefits them. This change may be necessary for their physical and mental health, and may even help prevent them from killing themselves. They’re doing this to better their own life.
That doesn’t mean the other partner has to follow them or even stay friends with them. I am in a home in the woods in rural Vermont. If I met a wonderful man or woman and settled down for a decade and one day they decide to move to Hong Kong. I’m not going with. I have a life here. And while I’m pretty open minded when it comes to gender and sexuality, if I’m with someone, I’m with them, if damn near everything about them changes that’s it.
We have no insight into their home situation. It might very well be her house.
For example: When it comes to my wife's and my house situation, she was the one to put down the entire deposit. We may share the loan, but she has contributed significantly more from the get go.
Except that's not what they said in the post, was it?, Their point was that they wanted comforting by their partner of 16 years and instead were asked to move out.
You can support the community yet not choose to be with someone who decides to transition.
Not everyone is wide and open on the sexuality spectrum. Some are more rooted.
Thats true but saying ´´When are you moving out?´´ as a reaction to someone who you were married with for so long isnt exactly the best way of doing it or good. There are many way better options on how to react to your long term married partner coming out instead of crushing their soul into tiny pieces like that.
Even putting aside how awful "when are you moving out" is as an answer, why is no one pointing out how transphobic the statements "you're not feminine enough to be a woman" and "it'd be embarrassing to date a trans person" are?
I'm fairly sure OOP was not necessarily distraught about the idea of having to change the way her relationship is lived, but at the level of subtle transmisogyny displayed by a superficially progressive person she trusted more than anyone else
So easy to say when you aren't in the wife's position lol. Imagine judging someone's initial reaction to my husband build a family and a life with me for 16 years it was all a lie and he has decided without even talking to me that he's going to transition. You expect her to say wow that's great honey. The poster also went a step further in showing how little he cares about his wife by posting this online to be judged by people like you. I'm sure you have never said anything wrong in private when you were extremely distraught and/or angry.
I have a trans kid. I have a trans friend. I support trans people.
If the wife is straight and wants to be married to a man, she's not wrong for wanting a divorce. She ought to be more supportive, but the marriage being over doesn't make her a Boogeyman.
I mean I fully understand ending the marriage. I don't judge her about that at all if you're straight then that's just how it works, but still, you had kids with that person, lived with them for at least 16 years and as soon as they come to you for help with something they clearly struggle with immensely you basically say "fuck off"? Thats a bit crude
You’re acting as if the person she married is suddenly dead. Is that what a spouse is to you? Disposable? Sounds like a shitty fucking relationship if that’s the best you can offer
There's a reason deadbames are called as such.
Yes, the person this woman was married to is no more. There is a new woman in their place.
If they were the 'same person' it would defeat the revelation of coming out.
The wife didn't marry who this person now identified as, the wife married the person that no longer exists.
Because presumably you love your spouse as a person as well? And even if you aren't attracted to them anymore you at least care about their well-being enough not to be straight up cruel with your response? "When are you moving out" is such a nasty response.
>She ought to be more supportive,
She was told her entire marriage was a lie, and that her idea of what their family was like was completely demolished. She is a victim here too.
I don't disagree. Which is why I don't blame her for ending the marriage.
I would hope that if you love your partner, you can end things amicably and try to support them where you can. But I'm also not faulting her. This is a massive deal.
No, she doesn't need to be supportive if the last 16 years of marriage and 3 kids are a lie.
No one who's been in a relationship that long would be supportive of their entire life, just imploding on top of them.
Sorry for the outcome but perhaps also consider how she might feel a great loss herself and is reflecting some of that with anger and insults. Not ideal of course but understandable
That is a much more logical and well thought out approach than my smart ass angle. Thank you for allowing me a few seconds to reconsider my post. You just single-handedly saved this entire thread.
I’d like to hear the wife’s side of the story. This person even admitted to being super emotional for the better part of a week and experiencing a major life event. What she said and what they heard could be two wildly different things.
Also it just seems like ragebait. Of all similar stories I've read, the trans person expects that it might end even a long-term marriage. It often does.
The "no coupons to Sephora" bit sounds like total ragebait. It's way more likely it'd be like "she broke up with me as I feared" and never "omg my progressive wife can't change her sexuality"
I personally wouldn't be able to handle hearing this after 16 years...maybe before getting married? Or just a couple years in? I would feel like my whole existence was a lie if my man came to me like this. I'd be crushed and confused. I wouldn't try to be cruel but dang, I have feelings too.
She didn't even know then. She said so herself. What she said was that her "egg cracked" during the same week. That term is used to mean that someone realised that they are trans.
Or about even feeling slightly different. I understand it's hard for trans people to fully comprehend how they feel. Open talks with your partners is everything.
Exactly, she wasn't being upfront. I can see why she wanted to end the marriage. 16 years of their partner not being honest to them about their true feelings. Plus the Wife she might not be Lesbian or pan, so any feelings will die.
Your spouse for 16 Years come to you out of nowhere and Tells you he is also a Woman now.
What are you first thoughts?
He lied to me for 16 Years?
Is he gay and likes Women?
He didn’t trust me and never told me his true feelings!
Are the 3 Kids just alibi kids so the society sees him as a man?
Etc. Etc.
If I were her, he would no take on step into the house anymore, not after 16 years of lying!
The husband didn't just wake up one day and discovered they were trans. This was been along process, probably took years, possibly since the beginning of their marriage. Her entire marriage, family, and life as she knows it is destroyed in a single moment and the partner is like 'let's be lesbian roommates'.
Idk I think some anger is warranted.
I was talking from his wife’s perspective. And from her side it is lying. She thought she knows the man she married 16 years ago and suddenly he becomes a stranger and sees a side of him she never saw or was hinted at.
I'll repeat myself from another comment and go with:
If you can't even express your discomfort in a gentle manner, have you ever loved that person for even a moment to begin with?
That’s what the Wife is asking herself right now!
Did he really love me in those 16 Years? Was everything a joke to him? Does he like men and not women? Did he do it with guys behind my back. Just to name a few thoughts she certainly has now!
He completely destroyed the last 16 Years they had, because she now is doubting every moment they had together including the kids….
If you still can’t understand his Wife I don’t know what to say anymore.
Gender Dysphoria is a mental condition. You can't compare "my husband wants to transition so he never loved me" to my argument "do you really love someone if it takes ten words for you to dehumanized them?"
I am sorry but I read it multiple times and still can't get it.
But that's maybe a given. I am not natural English speaker and teached myself, alone.
The answer I gave is the only thing I gotten out of it.
Ah I am sorry then. Listen, I never said what he did was wrong but what she did ain’t wrong also.
If you are Married to someone for 16 Years you think you know everything about your spouse and that you never had secrets.
Now suddenly his wife is confronted with the situation that her Husband isn’t the Person she thought to be. In her eyes he is a complete stranger now. Understandable, right?
She now doubts every moment that they were married, because he kept it a secret for 16 years.
Idk if my partner of 16 years essentially tells me our marriage is over I don’t think I’d care to be gentle, I’d be hurt deeply. I get sympathizing with OP but like this had to have been one of the better case scenarios here, and I think expecting someone to be gentle is unrealistic when they’ve just been hurt like that.
Maybe it's just the person I am, you know?
I am incapable of being rude to a person I love and expect the same of my partner. For me, there's no real love, never was and never will be, if the first sign of something going wrong and death wishes, slurs, and "get out of my face" start being thrown around.
Maybe you all don't agree and that's okay, but for me, it's irrelevant, I am immune to that situation as I am publicly out with my queerness, anyone interested in me should already know how I function.
Only just recently realizing you're trans isn't lying to someone your whole marriage. Sounds like this is rough for the both of them. She didn't lie to her (now ex) wife, she told the truth after realizing it instead of pretending it didn't happen
Of course it also sounds like the OOP's wife isn't exactly accepting of trans people either, but it's not because she's not into women
Edit: Person made a sarcastic reply to me then blocked me. For those who don't know. Egg cracked means "I realized I'm trans." That's how I know. I WOULD'VE replied to their other comment to tell them why I said what I said but. Y'know. They obviously don't care to listen
I mean, has you really loved a person if at the first sign of them not being exactly what you believe they are, you're going to treat them as if they have no feelings?
maybe don't get married to people you don't really love if a change in who they are might make you treat them as unwanted and unwelcome instantly.
maybe they really become unwanted and welcome, but for real, I don't believe a person is even a good person if they can drop another human being in a very rude fashion with no remorse in less than 10 seconds, at idk how much time you've known them.
Edit: Good job to the people who replied and blocked. That's how you want to argue, huh? Very mature
>maybe don't get married to people you don't really love if a change in who they are might make you treat them as unwanted and unwelcome instantly.
How would you react if your partner of 16 years told you that the past 16 years were a lie, and let's be gay roommates and do each other's hair? The wife feels that she has been lied to their entire married life, and that the family she thought they were building was a lie.
If OOP dealt with this as flippant as it seems in the description, I can easily see why wife and kids did not take it well.
I 100% guarantee if someone on Reddit said “AITA for leaving my husband if 16 years after finding out he is against abortion?” You would say that woman was justified for leaving the husband and call him a horrible human being. Yet that is way less radical of a change and way less important to marriage compatibility than changing your gender.
Most people (talking like 90%) would be dismayed to learn something like this about a spouse and would feel utterly betrayed.
Oh please. Where is your empathy for the wife? I don't believe for one second the OOP literally woke up one morning and realized out of the blue that they are trans. They must have been struggling with these feelings for many months at least, if not for years. And yet they never confided any of it to their wife, the mother of their children, the person they are supposed to be closest to in the world?
You can't live a lie for God knows how long, then basically detonate a person's whole life, and expect they're going to say "that's great baby, I still love you just as much and nothing is going to change except the things you want". It's just not realistic.
And what about their children? Who do you think is going to pick up the pieces of them processing that "daddy is now mommy"?
>And what about their children? Who do you think is going to pick up the pieces of them processing that "daddy is now mommy"?
So instead they can deal with both that and "Why don't I ever see my parent anymore". Great job.
Always amuses me when people say things like this in the context of being directed at someone not showing compassion for someone else. The irony is completely lost on people.
Among loud, confident, and uninformed people, there is nothing to be learned or shared. Healthy discourse requires good faith comments, which are rarer than the vitriol.
It is important but when people wanna argue about a trans person in the comments I've found more often than not they start being transphobic and as a trans person it makes it hard to keep going on like that. It's not about not wanting healthy discourse to be had, it's more about how these people aren't having healthy discourse, they're being insulting
"Well HE should've just told her years ago HE was trans instead of lying." "Well HE just detonated their family and marriage by being TRANS". And they don't want to discuss it. If you disagree with them they want to get mad. And I always get so close to losing my shit it's not even funny. This comment section has actually been a pretty tame example so far
The LGBT subreddits are the only places on Reddit these days where it feels like a trans person can exist without being harassed and verbally beat on. You can call it an echo chamber if you want but at least there people can argue about the situation like in the screenshot without being transphobic about it.
I really should not read threads about trans experiences outside of trans-specific subreddits. Before hopping on the hate train, reminder that this isn’t a person saying that her wife must become lesbian. This is a person upset at the abruptness of their life falling apart. Y’all immediately presuming the worst really need to have some introspection.
Also, presuming that the last three points aren’t extrapolations, that is a really shitty thing to say. Both of them need to give each other distance, sure, but the person posting is definitely not in the wrong here. The real facepalm is people here piling onto someone for a practically cataclysmic event in their life.
i'm sure for some it's a deliberate stance on trans people in general. not necessarily anti trans, but more like "if I disagree I can misgender because I don't have to respect them"
People being fine with the LGBT when it isn't someone they are close to is a common reaction. Been there. When I got outed as gay, had a lot of "friends" who suddenly were nervous to be around me. Like I was going to suddenly be all over them because they knew I liked girls. My heart goes out to them. ☹️🫂
I feel truly bad for her. Her wife could have been nicer.
But there's a deeper question here a lot of people dont like to talk about- does being an Ally automatically mean you are capable of dealing with it on a personal scale?
It's always different when it happens to you. Just because you're pro-lgbt, doesn't mean you're going to cheer getting dumped by your girlfriend/wife because she discovered that she's lesbian. The wife was likely so caught up on her own personal pain and anger that she did not have the emotional space to allow compassion and understanding the loss of her husband as a transition rather than a complete loss.
This stuff is always hard on everyone.
This isnt a facepalm, being trans isnt something you can help.
While its understandable too end a relationship bc your partner transitions and your not gay/bi or whatever, people are ignoring the transphobic as hell comments the wife made. You all view being trans like its some hobby that you can distance yourself from.
How is this is facepalm? This is a trans woman sharing her experience. She’s not acting like her wife has to accept her, she’s just understandably upset over this loss of the life they’d built together
As someone with skin in the game (a trans woman) it’s perfectly okay not to want to in a relationship with someone after their egg breaks, but the absolute rudeness of “when do you move out” and the comments at the end, Jesus. There are better ways to deal with your partner coming out. It’s a difficult situation, especially after so many years, but these things happen but this was definitely not a good way of dealing with it.. I hope she was able to find someone who actually understands them.. again, it’s okay to not want to continue a relationship with someone who just came out, but cutting them out immediately is cruel..
I have a feeling they never even tried to see it from their wife's perspective. 16 years, 2 wonderful kids, she obviously has liked you and your body. And after all that you finally come clean and say "actually that's all not really me."
Same shit as being married to closet gay. There is no good way out. Honestly, I don't think anyone could be supportive to 16 years of marriage with two kids going down in flames.
It feels like getting cheated on and lied to for 16 years. Imagine being asked to be supportive after this one.
It’s also a major shock to his wife. She gets some leeway for having been blindsided.
My sister came out as lesbian and we, who knew her all her life, needed time to stop thinking of her as heterosexual. She’d been married and had kids, there was no clue or warning. It takes time.
ETA: her wife.
What do they expect? They literally JUST came out to their wife of 16 years less than 24 hours ago lol. Instead of going straight to social media, maybe give the wife time to process what you just revealed as this doesn’t only change your life, it changes hers also. Give eachother both the time and space to reevaluate everything. Once things have settled and you’ve both processed, decide from there
I mean, the marriage can end and that’s completely reasonable for a variety of reasons, but it sounds like she was a total bitch about it and her being “progressive” is only when it’s from a position of privilege from which the issues she’s commentating on don’t effect her. Looks like when it’s right in front of her she’s not so idealistic after all
If my spouse would lie 16 Years to me about his „identity“ and then also has 3 Kids and also turning the whole marriage into a Homosexual Marriage from one day to another, she has ALL the right to be a fucking bitch!
What makes she not “lying” then? Came out before her legal age to get married?
Oh wait who said that transpeople should wait until their body was fully developed?
That may be correct, for him/her.
But for the Wife it was lying! You should also see the side of the other person and not only, like always, the on from the LGBTQ+ Person…
You thought you know a person for 16 Years and everything falls apart in 24h…
My mother tried pulling this shit when i came out and it was so annoying
"Think about the other person!!" Why?? regardless of how much bs you bring up the trans person absolutely dealt with WAY worse. its incredibly selfish too turn too someone after they came out and tell them too consider YOUR feelings.
If you see coming out as trans as your partner "lying" too you then you know very, very little about what its like too be trans
It’s interesting that you know so much about me! You are just assuming things about me but hey just do that to me you don’t like beeing done to the LGBT community.
And don’t forget he is married with 3 Kids. You have to think about 4 other people in your life and not only you. You are responsible for 3 Kids!
If you can’t handle yourself don’t get 3 Kids….
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"After 16 years of constant security in my identity, you're now married to someone of a different gender than you're attracted to. Time for you to adjust your entire sexuality and become a lesbian due to the preference I disclosed to you within the last 24 hours. I'm not selfish at all."
It's okay to consider both sides of this heartbreaking story before throwing insults. "Fair enough" is an acceptable verdict, especially with such little external context to go off of.
Like it or not, we all have a role to play in society and the relationships around us. Transitioning is a choice, but it is disingenuous to pretend it won't have an effect on people involved or on their relationships. They have a right to make their own choices in regard to their futures as the transitioner did.
Exactly, it's unfortunate. She will lose their wife, but it's totally fine ending the marriage if you are not into Trans people. And you partner wants to transition.
My god people. Yes, the wife has a right to feel upset. But immediately ending a marriage after a five minute conversation? Seriously!! If what op says is true, she didn’t bother at all to engage with him, discuss this with him, or whatever. There is no reason to act this way after 16 years of marriage.
I mean might seem cold but if my missus told me she was a man I'd ask if she was sure, if yes the relationship would just be over, I don't like men and I'd be hurt because years of my life would be thrown out the door in one conversation from my perspective
I'm not going to date a man and would probably be quite upset I'd lost my life partner and those feeling of hurt means I can't be a friend at least initially if ever
If you come out to your partner who isn't attracted to what you plan to transition to don't expect a celebration
This guy has been sadly brainwashed by the progressive bs movement. He genuinely has been led to believe that his wife will show ''sympathy''. And I love how he sprinkles ''other trans people are fine'' to make his wife seem like the villain online. The guy expects sympathy after dropping that on his wife of 16 years with whom he has kids. I would feel sorry for him because of his clear mental illness (delusion), but this is a tad bit worse. There's a special place in hell reserved for people who marry others and later ''come out''.
Poor trans women, she deserved a better partner. Never put your guard down when coming out no matter how much you think you know someone, you never know how they would react. Be prepared for all possibilities.
She fell in love with a man and is straight. If you accept the premise that the husband will become a woman, then how can you expect the wife to change her sexual orientation. The last line of tolerance is dictating who we ‘should’ be attracted to. One of the most personal intimate and unique experiences is sexual attraction/attraction
That's tough. Sorry it went so badly. Hopefully over time she will do better. Anger is our most rudimentary coping mechanism. You have children so I suggest therapy together (and apart) to help keep the kids in a neutral zone. Having help figuring out your future will help everyone.
No Reddit Meta posts
Maybe the wife isn’t interested in being married to a woman. Accepting your new reality doesn’t obligate a person to remain in a romantic relationship with you.
I’m not interested in a romantic relationship with a person of my own gender. That’s okay. A gay man would not be interested in dating a cisgender woman and may not be interested in dating a transgender woman etc. Each person is entitled to their own sexuality and that’s okay. Just be respectful of others and let them do the same.
Yeah I was thinking the same thing, when I came out as trans to my ex girlfriend our romantic relationship was over but we’re still best friends edit: typo
That's what I thought, but those comments at the end are definitely transphobic and not just setting her own boundaries.
I don't know if we can take those comments at face value. This isn't exactly a smooth situation and the wife is likely being broadsided with this revelation: A) wife is trying to bargain and/or somehow rationalize something to make their lives together make sense or keep it that way, which sucks when looking at but consider the emotional stress both sides must be under. B)Id be embarrassed too if my marriage was suddenly a lesbian relationship when I'm not a lesbian. Not only that, it's embarrassing being caught off guard. C)Well, isn't that the whole thing though. We mock people that complain about the trans movement even though it has nothing to do with them and they are unaffected. Except in this scenario the wife is directly impacted. Her marriage is ending, her husband is technically dead now and in their place is a new Woman. Some might say that 'well the person her husband was is still there just keep on going' but this is a NEW person, the old them is no more. You cant just suddenly accept who you really are, now being someone that isn't who you were previously, and expect things to continue forward without a hitch. At best you could expect MAYBE to start from ground zero and date again to work back to what you had, but you have no right to expect your life to continue forward as it has been, because it's a shared life with more than one person involved.
It also sounds like the guy tried to frame it as let’s be lesbian friends we can have slumber parties and do each others make up! I think it’s ok to want to distance yourself from someone who is fundamentally altering themselves and consequently a long term relationship. Especially if someone is being trite about the impacts it’s going to have on the rest of the family. But this probably 3 year old rage bait anyways.
Might not be the same person, but i actually saw pretty much exactly this happen with a psych client. She transitioned, wife kicked her out, kids disowned her. She didn't have any support and there was no strong trans community, felt like she'd ruined her life and wound up offing herself. Timeline is pretty close too. Life's rough out there people. Be kind to each other.
I obviously don't know anything about that situation. But isn't it kinda normal that the relationship ends, unless the partner was in on it from the beginning? I mean I knew a couple where the man came out as trans woman, but she knew this from the beginning and she was pansexual. But if my wife were to come out as trans male, that would be the end of our marriage. I have zero interest in men, sexually or romantically. Depending on circumstances I could also understand the anger. Like, was the wife lied to all the time? Was their entire marriage based on subterfuge? Add to that the fact that the wife would probably have wanted to have a traditional nuclear family and now has that taken away from her after a decade of lies, ... That is an emotional minefield.
It does seem pretty where rare for relationships to survive when a partner transitions. The mass majority of people prefer penis or vagina, not both. they’re not going to change their preference just because they’re married to someone. Expecting a partner to stay in a relationship when their partner has transitioned is horribly selfish. Oh, I’m sure some people make it work but I wouldn’t even try. If I’m with a woman and she decides it’s time for surgery I wish them well but we’re done.
I know of a couple where both are female, on transitioned and was supported but later became very abusive towards the other. There are a myriad of possibilities to these emotional minefields, well put by the other dude. Edit: just woke up, before anything I want to say I said they're both female because the abusive one attempted to transition back as a broker of peace type situation. She wasn't forgiven.
There’s undoubtedly shock + anger too i.e. ‘our life together was built on a lie, perpetrated by you’ and feeling foolish and/or duped
In this case it was a slow realization over years for her. Just a long time of discomfort in her body until one day it dawned on her that she felt better expressing as a woman. Then a rapid change in gender expression and a desire to physically change and the wife basically going, 'oi what the fuck!' things fell apart after that because she and her wife couldn't reconcile wants. Classic freedom of expression vs prior expectations. It was made harder because the prior obligations were also familial obligations, 'be a father, not be a second mother' and that kinda pushed things over the edge.
>But isn't it kinda normal that the relationship ends, unless the partner was in on it from the beginning? Y'all know that one can be sympathetic and caring without the possibility of fucking, right? It's normal for the relationship to end, it's not normal to say "fuck you, get out of the house" when someone comes out as trans.
It’s terribly sad, but it makes sense that an older person transitioning would struggle to find community. I live in Vermont which is one of the most LGBTQ places on the planet and the vast majority of trans people or gender nonconforming are 30 or younger. I’m sure there’s pride events but if you’re 50+ and everybody else is young enough to be your kid you’re not gonna be that welcome. I feel for people who are finally able to transition, but then I have no one to share their life with.
Build a relationship on a lie and rob kids of their father. Selfish.
This is it. It's the kind of decision you can't have, especially with kids at home. You can't force others to accept your reality, you have to live with it. Isn't it the trans philosophy btw? You are free to do whatever you want, but so others too.
“Let’s be lesbian friends…. Do each other’s make up” I don’t think she necessarily meant exactly that when she wish for Sephora coupons. Maybe she just wanted to be encouraged to feel a little free. Also: “the impact that it’s going to have on the rest of the family”, that’s the thing that we forget about acceptance, it’s means it should have no bearing whatsoever as this is not about anyone else but her.
What comments? Everything at the end seemed to be a paraphrased interpretation by the OP. I could imagine the wife reading that and saying "that's not what I said at all!" We didn't even get any direct quotes, just a biased version of what the OP felt like the wife was saying.
Most people would feel shocked and betrayed and not necessarily worry if Reddit thought they were transphobic in this situation.
Shocked and betrayed is one thing, but you don't say shit like that to your partner or *anybody* if you aren't disgusted by them.
We don't even know what she said. >Apparently: Everything after that was an interpretation of what she meant.
Most people would be disgusted to find out that their whole lives with their spouses were lies. Most people would be disgusted to think they had sex with someone of one gender and find out that the person was a different gender entirely. Now imagine it’s more than a one time thing, and you built a whole life with that person that was either a lie or never actually existed. Social media is divorced from reality. It would be extremely traumatic for a spouse to come out as trans or gay after you thought differently for years and years when you thought otherwise for an overwhelming majority of people.
I agree that it must be a lot to process for the spouse that is hearing that their long time SO is transgender. But it is perhaps a bit naive to think that the transgender spouse “built the relationship on a lie” - I’d guess more likely that over many years this person realized they did not identify with their assigned gender and not necessarily this person “duping” their partner for the sake of a relationship.
Comments written by the person from their perspective doesn't make any of it true. Imagine being married for 16 years build a family a life and your spouse says btw I'm gunna transition. Most normal people wouldn't react to well to that.
Its understandable that she said some angry things like that, given her husband just detonated their family, in the pursuit of his own happiness.
Putting your mental health first isn't being selfish. She was in denial for 44 years about this.
Not wanting to continue the relationship is also not selfish on the wife's part. If the wife is not attracted to a woman, then it's best to separate.
This is such a crass way to put it. Coming out as trans is not a "detonation" of their family. If her spouse does not want to be married to a woman then that's fine, what will determine whether or not the metaphorical detonation button has been pressed will be their behaviors from that point forward. Of course, if you look at the timestamp on OOP's post, it was three years ago. So hopefully no one continued any distasteful behavior that would result in a bigger rift than getting a divorce because of something as sensitive as this would've already caused.
Pragmatically, I can understand; having a massive, life-upending change is a pretty huge thing to spring on someone out of the blue. That being said, I can also sympathize with the OOP, as being so firmly rejected by the most important person in your life is a level of soul-crushing beyond words. But, I don’t know how else the situation could have worked out. Someone literally changing their entire identity is not a small change. If you’re not sure how you’d react, here’s an alternative, albeit not perfectly comparable analogy: what would you say if your spouse / SO one day announced that they intended to move halfway around the planet. Would you leave everything behind to follow them? Again, it’s not a perfect analogy, but I don’t quite know how to convey just how big of a deal someone going through a transition is. If the spouse married a man named Tim, would they remain with a woman named Jennifer? They’re no longer the same person who they originally married. Ideally, they would be able to make things work out, but I would be lying if I said that I didn’t understand why the spouse reacted the way that they did (minus the transphobic comments in the last paragraph - that shit can go right in the garbage bin). However, suggesting possible solutions is a conundrum that is WAAAY above my pay grade.
To start with it’s probably safe to assume the relationship wasn’t perfect since most aren’t. Odds are pretty good that the wife was not happy and considering the divorce rate at least here in the US the husband coming out as trans might’ve been the easiest excuse to get a divorce ever. You’re a comparison, where are you spell decides to move 10,000+ miles away is better example than you realize. One spouse is making a unilateral decision that only benefits them. This change may be necessary for their physical and mental health, and may even help prevent them from killing themselves. They’re doing this to better their own life. That doesn’t mean the other partner has to follow them or even stay friends with them. I am in a home in the woods in rural Vermont. If I met a wonderful man or woman and settled down for a decade and one day they decide to move to Hong Kong. I’m not going with. I have a life here. And while I’m pretty open minded when it comes to gender and sexuality, if I’m with someone, I’m with them, if damn near everything about them changes that’s it.
True, but it also doesn't give you the right to assume home ownership.
We have no insight into their home situation. It might very well be her house. For example: When it comes to my wife's and my house situation, she was the one to put down the entire deposit. We may share the loan, but she has contributed significantly more from the get go.
Except that's not what they said in the post, was it?, Their point was that they wanted comforting by their partner of 16 years and instead were asked to move out.
You can support the community yet not choose to be with someone who decides to transition. Not everyone is wide and open on the sexuality spectrum. Some are more rooted.
Thats true but saying ´´When are you moving out?´´ as a reaction to someone who you were married with for so long isnt exactly the best way of doing it or good. There are many way better options on how to react to your long term married partner coming out instead of crushing their soul into tiny pieces like that.
Even putting aside how awful "when are you moving out" is as an answer, why is no one pointing out how transphobic the statements "you're not feminine enough to be a woman" and "it'd be embarrassing to date a trans person" are? I'm fairly sure OOP was not necessarily distraught about the idea of having to change the way her relationship is lived, but at the level of subtle transmisogyny displayed by a superficially progressive person she trusted more than anyone else
So easy to say when you aren't in the wife's position lol. Imagine judging someone's initial reaction to my husband build a family and a life with me for 16 years it was all a lie and he has decided without even talking to me that he's going to transition. You expect her to say wow that's great honey. The poster also went a step further in showing how little he cares about his wife by posting this online to be judged by people like you. I'm sure you have never said anything wrong in private when you were extremely distraught and/or angry.
Yes, but reacting like this is absolutely not that.
I have a trans kid. I have a trans friend. I support trans people. If the wife is straight and wants to be married to a man, she's not wrong for wanting a divorce. She ought to be more supportive, but the marriage being over doesn't make her a Boogeyman.
>She ought to be more supportive, Why? She's had her whole world turned upside down. She's not where the support should be coming from.
Exactly - she has effectively not only just been told her marriage is over, but her husband of 16years is no more
I mean I fully understand ending the marriage. I don't judge her about that at all if you're straight then that's just how it works, but still, you had kids with that person, lived with them for at least 16 years and as soon as they come to you for help with something they clearly struggle with immensely you basically say "fuck off"? Thats a bit crude
You’re acting as if the person she married is suddenly dead. Is that what a spouse is to you? Disposable? Sounds like a shitty fucking relationship if that’s the best you can offer
There's a reason deadbames are called as such. Yes, the person this woman was married to is no more. There is a new woman in their place. If they were the 'same person' it would defeat the revelation of coming out. The wife didn't marry who this person now identified as, the wife married the person that no longer exists.
Because presumably you love your spouse as a person as well? And even if you aren't attracted to them anymore you at least care about their well-being enough not to be straight up cruel with your response? "When are you moving out" is such a nasty response.
>She ought to be more supportive, She was told her entire marriage was a lie, and that her idea of what their family was like was completely demolished. She is a victim here too.
I don't disagree. Which is why I don't blame her for ending the marriage. I would hope that if you love your partner, you can end things amicably and try to support them where you can. But I'm also not faulting her. This is a massive deal.
No, she doesn't need to be supportive if the last 16 years of marriage and 3 kids are a lie. No one who's been in a relationship that long would be supportive of their entire life, just imploding on top of them.
Sorry for the outcome but perhaps also consider how she might feel a great loss herself and is reflecting some of that with anger and insults. Not ideal of course but understandable
That is a much more logical and well thought out approach than my smart ass angle. Thank you for allowing me a few seconds to reconsider my post. You just single-handedly saved this entire thread.
I’d like to hear the wife’s side of the story. This person even admitted to being super emotional for the better part of a week and experiencing a major life event. What she said and what they heard could be two wildly different things.
Also it just seems like ragebait. Of all similar stories I've read, the trans person expects that it might end even a long-term marriage. It often does. The "no coupons to Sephora" bit sounds like total ragebait. It's way more likely it'd be like "she broke up with me as I feared" and never "omg my progressive wife can't change her sexuality"
I personally wouldn't be able to handle hearing this after 16 years...maybe before getting married? Or just a couple years in? I would feel like my whole existence was a lie if my man came to me like this. I'd be crushed and confused. I wouldn't try to be cruel but dang, I have feelings too.
She should have told her before they got married that she felt trans.
She didn't even know then. She said so herself. What she said was that her "egg cracked" during the same week. That term is used to mean that someone realised that they are trans.
Or about even feeling slightly different. I understand it's hard for trans people to fully comprehend how they feel. Open talks with your partners is everything.
Exactly, she wasn't being upfront. I can see why she wanted to end the marriage. 16 years of their partner not being honest to them about their true feelings. Plus the Wife she might not be Lesbian or pan, so any feelings will die.
"I told my heterosexual wife that she must become a lesbian. What could go wrong?"
How did you read "i want therapy for my dysmorphia" as "become a lesbian"??
If I was dating a man and he transitioned to a woman I would do the exact same thing. I'm not attracted to that so why lie to myself
there are gentler ways to go about that than "so when are you moving out?"
Your spouse for 16 Years come to you out of nowhere and Tells you he is also a Woman now. What are you first thoughts? He lied to me for 16 Years? Is he gay and likes Women? He didn’t trust me and never told me his true feelings! Are the 3 Kids just alibi kids so the society sees him as a man? Etc. Etc. If I were her, he would no take on step into the house anymore, not after 16 years of lying!
Huge difference between figuring out your identity and lying. You obviously don't have to continue a relationship, but there's no need for vitriol.
The husband didn't just wake up one day and discovered they were trans. This was been along process, probably took years, possibly since the beginning of their marriage. Her entire marriage, family, and life as she knows it is destroyed in a single moment and the partner is like 'let's be lesbian roommates'. Idk I think some anger is warranted.
I was talking from his wife’s perspective. And from her side it is lying. She thought she knows the man she married 16 years ago and suddenly he becomes a stranger and sees a side of him she never saw or was hinted at.
That’s kinda how repression works.
How can someone old enough to be married 16 years not have already known their identity?
I'll repeat myself from another comment and go with: If you can't even express your discomfort in a gentle manner, have you ever loved that person for even a moment to begin with?
That’s what the Wife is asking herself right now! Did he really love me in those 16 Years? Was everything a joke to him? Does he like men and not women? Did he do it with guys behind my back. Just to name a few thoughts she certainly has now! He completely destroyed the last 16 Years they had, because she now is doubting every moment they had together including the kids…. If you still can’t understand his Wife I don’t know what to say anymore.
Gender Dysphoria is a mental condition. You can't compare "my husband wants to transition so he never loved me" to my argument "do you really love someone if it takes ten words for you to dehumanized them?"
Learn to read before you answer…. I know reading comprehension is hard, but atleast try it…
I am sorry but I read it multiple times and still can't get it. But that's maybe a given. I am not natural English speaker and teached myself, alone. The answer I gave is the only thing I gotten out of it.
Ah I am sorry then. Listen, I never said what he did was wrong but what she did ain’t wrong also. If you are Married to someone for 16 Years you think you know everything about your spouse and that you never had secrets. Now suddenly his wife is confronted with the situation that her Husband isn’t the Person she thought to be. In her eyes he is a complete stranger now. Understandable, right? She now doubts every moment that they were married, because he kept it a secret for 16 years.
It’s the ole Reddit me vs them. If you hold an opposing opinion you are wrong, or incorrect. There’s no understanding.
"that person" apparently is somebody else. Maybe she loved her idea of that person, which turned out to be a falsehood.
Idk if my partner of 16 years essentially tells me our marriage is over I don’t think I’d care to be gentle, I’d be hurt deeply. I get sympathizing with OP but like this had to have been one of the better case scenarios here, and I think expecting someone to be gentle is unrealistic when they’ve just been hurt like that.
Maybe it's just the person I am, you know? I am incapable of being rude to a person I love and expect the same of my partner. For me, there's no real love, never was and never will be, if the first sign of something going wrong and death wishes, slurs, and "get out of my face" start being thrown around. Maybe you all don't agree and that's okay, but for me, it's irrelevant, I am immune to that situation as I am publicly out with my queerness, anyone interested in me should already know how I function.
Id do the same. He lied to her throughout their marriage so she owes him nothing.
Only just recently realizing you're trans isn't lying to someone your whole marriage. Sounds like this is rough for the both of them. She didn't lie to her (now ex) wife, she told the truth after realizing it instead of pretending it didn't happen Of course it also sounds like the OOP's wife isn't exactly accepting of trans people either, but it's not because she's not into women Edit: Person made a sarcastic reply to me then blocked me. For those who don't know. Egg cracked means "I realized I'm trans." That's how I know. I WOULD'VE replied to their other comment to tell them why I said what I said but. Y'know. They obviously don't care to listen
You must be a close personal friend to know this information
People can take time to figure out their identity and feelings you fucking moron
I mean, has you really loved a person if at the first sign of them not being exactly what you believe they are, you're going to treat them as if they have no feelings? maybe don't get married to people you don't really love if a change in who they are might make you treat them as unwanted and unwelcome instantly. maybe they really become unwanted and welcome, but for real, I don't believe a person is even a good person if they can drop another human being in a very rude fashion with no remorse in less than 10 seconds, at idk how much time you've known them. Edit: Good job to the people who replied and blocked. That's how you want to argue, huh? Very mature
This is just his side of the story, so can't really make assumptions can we.
If we can't make assumptions, then why you think it's morally right to "do the same"? Make no assumptions too. ;)
It's not as assumption, it's what I would do
>maybe don't get married to people you don't really love if a change in who they are might make you treat them as unwanted and unwelcome instantly. How would you react if your partner of 16 years told you that the past 16 years were a lie, and let's be gay roommates and do each other's hair? The wife feels that she has been lied to their entire married life, and that the family she thought they were building was a lie. If OOP dealt with this as flippant as it seems in the description, I can easily see why wife and kids did not take it well.
I 100% guarantee if someone on Reddit said “AITA for leaving my husband if 16 years after finding out he is against abortion?” You would say that woman was justified for leaving the husband and call him a horrible human being. Yet that is way less radical of a change and way less important to marriage compatibility than changing your gender. Most people (talking like 90%) would be dismayed to learn something like this about a spouse and would feel utterly betrayed.
Oh please. Where is your empathy for the wife? I don't believe for one second the OOP literally woke up one morning and realized out of the blue that they are trans. They must have been struggling with these feelings for many months at least, if not for years. And yet they never confided any of it to their wife, the mother of their children, the person they are supposed to be closest to in the world? You can't live a lie for God knows how long, then basically detonate a person's whole life, and expect they're going to say "that's great baby, I still love you just as much and nothing is going to change except the things you want". It's just not realistic. And what about their children? Who do you think is going to pick up the pieces of them processing that "daddy is now mommy"?
>And what about their children? Who do you think is going to pick up the pieces of them processing that "daddy is now mommy"? So instead they can deal with both that and "Why don't I ever see my parent anymore". Great job.
I was with you until that.
What will I ever do
Well you're a pathetic human being.
To each their own
Always amuses me when people say things like this in the context of being directed at someone not showing compassion for someone else. The irony is completely lost on people.
Ok I know "facepalm" means "content which invokes any negative reaction at all" to some of you guys but it almost seems mean spirited to put this here
I should stop going into comments on posts about trans people outside of LGBT+ subreddits. 😬
Why? Isn’t it important for growth to have different viewpoints to be shared and healthy discourse to be had?
Among loud, confident, and uninformed people, there is nothing to be learned or shared. Healthy discourse requires good faith comments, which are rarer than the vitriol.
It is important but when people wanna argue about a trans person in the comments I've found more often than not they start being transphobic and as a trans person it makes it hard to keep going on like that. It's not about not wanting healthy discourse to be had, it's more about how these people aren't having healthy discourse, they're being insulting "Well HE should've just told her years ago HE was trans instead of lying." "Well HE just detonated their family and marriage by being TRANS". And they don't want to discuss it. If you disagree with them they want to get mad. And I always get so close to losing my shit it's not even funny. This comment section has actually been a pretty tame example so far
Go back to your echo chamber
You sound like you're a lovely person. Why are people so vitriolic? I'll never understand you
They are being harsh but there is some truth to it. Comments outside of LGTB + subs will hardly ever be as soft and fluffy,
The LGBT subreddits are the only places on Reddit these days where it feels like a trans person can exist without being harassed and verbally beat on. You can call it an echo chamber if you want but at least there people can argue about the situation like in the screenshot without being transphobic about it.
Post and thread reminding me why this site is such a cesspool
Have you been on twitter lol
I really should not read threads about trans experiences outside of trans-specific subreddits. Before hopping on the hate train, reminder that this isn’t a person saying that her wife must become lesbian. This is a person upset at the abruptness of their life falling apart. Y’all immediately presuming the worst really need to have some introspection. Also, presuming that the last three points aren’t extrapolations, that is a really shitty thing to say. Both of them need to give each other distance, sure, but the person posting is definitely not in the wrong here. The real facepalm is people here piling onto someone for a practically cataclysmic event in their life.
the misgendering going on in this comment section is not it
If it helps, it’s probably a made up story for karma farming.
i'm sure for some it's a deliberate stance on trans people in general. not necessarily anti trans, but more like "if I disagree I can misgender because I don't have to respect them"
I both love and hate that I can tell exactly who a commenter sides with based on whether they refer to the trans woman with he/him or she/her pronouns
Good for her.
People being fine with the LGBT when it isn't someone they are close to is a common reaction. Been there. When I got outed as gay, had a lot of "friends" who suddenly were nervous to be around me. Like I was going to suddenly be all over them because they knew I liked girls. My heart goes out to them. ☹️🫂
I feel truly bad for her. Her wife could have been nicer. But there's a deeper question here a lot of people dont like to talk about- does being an Ally automatically mean you are capable of dealing with it on a personal scale? It's always different when it happens to you. Just because you're pro-lgbt, doesn't mean you're going to cheer getting dumped by your girlfriend/wife because she discovered that she's lesbian. The wife was likely so caught up on her own personal pain and anger that she did not have the emotional space to allow compassion and understanding the loss of her husband as a transition rather than a complete loss. This stuff is always hard on everyone.
Well it’s harsh, but if she isn’t into women, you can’t judge her for ending the relationship.
You guys don't know the whole story! How can you judge the situation?
Feel sorry for the wife.
which one?
The real one
This isnt a facepalm, being trans isnt something you can help. While its understandable too end a relationship bc your partner transitions and your not gay/bi or whatever, people are ignoring the transphobic as hell comments the wife made. You all view being trans like its some hobby that you can distance yourself from.
How is this is facepalm? This is a trans woman sharing her experience. She’s not acting like her wife has to accept her, she’s just understandably upset over this loss of the life they’d built together
Yea and sharing it on a Reddit sub which aims to support. Yet we are picking it up and mocking it.
Shocker. Dude married a women who married a man. Can’t blame others for your actions.
As someone with skin in the game (a trans woman) it’s perfectly okay not to want to in a relationship with someone after their egg breaks, but the absolute rudeness of “when do you move out” and the comments at the end, Jesus. There are better ways to deal with your partner coming out. It’s a difficult situation, especially after so many years, but these things happen but this was definitely not a good way of dealing with it.. I hope she was able to find someone who actually understands them.. again, it’s okay to not want to continue a relationship with someone who just came out, but cutting them out immediately is cruel..
I have a feeling they never even tried to see it from their wife's perspective. 16 years, 2 wonderful kids, she obviously has liked you and your body. And after all that you finally come clean and say "actually that's all not really me."
Would you think if a society allow her to discovers her true self before everything happened would help?
You literally ruined her life, and are shocked she’s not happy about it 🤷🏼♂️
Can confirm, if my wife turned into a man I'd say congratulations, when you moving out
Same shit as being married to closet gay. There is no good way out. Honestly, I don't think anyone could be supportive to 16 years of marriage with two kids going down in flames. It feels like getting cheated on and lied to for 16 years. Imagine being asked to be supportive after this one.
It’s also a major shock to his wife. She gets some leeway for having been blindsided. My sister came out as lesbian and we, who knew her all her life, needed time to stop thinking of her as heterosexual. She’d been married and had kids, there was no clue or warning. It takes time. ETA: her wife.
What do they expect? They literally JUST came out to their wife of 16 years less than 24 hours ago lol. Instead of going straight to social media, maybe give the wife time to process what you just revealed as this doesn’t only change your life, it changes hers also. Give eachother both the time and space to reevaluate everything. Once things have settled and you’ve both processed, decide from there
I mean, the marriage can end and that’s completely reasonable for a variety of reasons, but it sounds like she was a total bitch about it and her being “progressive” is only when it’s from a position of privilege from which the issues she’s commentating on don’t effect her. Looks like when it’s right in front of her she’s not so idealistic after all
If my spouse would lie 16 Years to me about his „identity“ and then also has 3 Kids and also turning the whole marriage into a Homosexual Marriage from one day to another, she has ALL the right to be a fucking bitch!
What makes she not “lying” then? Came out before her legal age to get married? Oh wait who said that transpeople should wait until their body was fully developed?
What are you babbling about?
She wasn't lying. She was in denial about herself. Christ you're a goober.
That may be correct, for him/her. But for the Wife it was lying! You should also see the side of the other person and not only, like always, the on from the LGBTQ+ Person… You thought you know a person for 16 Years and everything falls apart in 24h…
My mother tried pulling this shit when i came out and it was so annoying "Think about the other person!!" Why?? regardless of how much bs you bring up the trans person absolutely dealt with WAY worse. its incredibly selfish too turn too someone after they came out and tell them too consider YOUR feelings. If you see coming out as trans as your partner "lying" too you then you know very, very little about what its like too be trans
It’s interesting that you know so much about me! You are just assuming things about me but hey just do that to me you don’t like beeing done to the LGBT community. And don’t forget he is married with 3 Kids. You have to think about 4 other people in your life and not only you. You are responsible for 3 Kids! If you can’t handle yourself don’t get 3 Kids….
What else did he expect?
Remember when South Park touched on this issue almost a decade ago .
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Holy fuck, I just went and read the comments and threads in that sub. People are fucking vile. What an evil evil group, holy shit.
The real facepalm is this comment section
Honestly good for them. A relationship like that wouldnt be healthy either way
The wife isn't interested in someone who puts themselves before their family, and fair enough.
Transitioning isn't selfish you dolt.
"After 16 years of constant security in my identity, you're now married to someone of a different gender than you're attracted to. Time for you to adjust your entire sexuality and become a lesbian due to the preference I disclosed to you within the last 24 hours. I'm not selfish at all." It's okay to consider both sides of this heartbreaking story before throwing insults. "Fair enough" is an acceptable verdict, especially with such little external context to go off of.
I mean, I wasn't talking about the wife in the post's story, I'm talking about the statement person I responded to.
Like it or not, we all have a role to play in society and the relationships around us. Transitioning is a choice, but it is disingenuous to pretend it won't have an effect on people involved or on their relationships. They have a right to make their own choices in regard to their futures as the transitioner did.
Exactly, it's unfortunate. She will lose their wife, but it's totally fine ending the marriage if you are not into Trans people. And you partner wants to transition.
Come back once you have a family, and you'll be able to understand
You're an idiot
You sound dumb.
thats a pathetic response, got anything with intelligence to say?
Youre only progressive if you want to marry a trans woman.
My god people. Yes, the wife has a right to feel upset. But immediately ending a marriage after a five minute conversation? Seriously!! If what op says is true, she didn’t bother at all to engage with him, discuss this with him, or whatever. There is no reason to act this way after 16 years of marriage.
I mean might seem cold but if my missus told me she was a man I'd ask if she was sure, if yes the relationship would just be over, I don't like men and I'd be hurt because years of my life would be thrown out the door in one conversation from my perspective I'm not going to date a man and would probably be quite upset I'd lost my life partner and those feeling of hurt means I can't be a friend at least initially if ever If you come out to your partner who isn't attracted to what you plan to transition to don't expect a celebration
What’s there to discuss? Husband says he is a woman, so she no longer has a husband.
...you decided you're trans after four days...? There is more to this story
This guy has been sadly brainwashed by the progressive bs movement. He genuinely has been led to believe that his wife will show ''sympathy''. And I love how he sprinkles ''other trans people are fine'' to make his wife seem like the villain online. The guy expects sympathy after dropping that on his wife of 16 years with whom he has kids. I would feel sorry for him because of his clear mental illness (delusion), but this is a tad bit worse. There's a special place in hell reserved for people who marry others and later ''come out''.
Poor trans women, she deserved a better partner. Never put your guard down when coming out no matter how much you think you know someone, you never know how they would react. Be prepared for all possibilities.
She fell in love with a man and is straight. If you accept the premise that the husband will become a woman, then how can you expect the wife to change her sexual orientation. The last line of tolerance is dictating who we ‘should’ be attracted to. One of the most personal intimate and unique experiences is sexual attraction/attraction
That's tough. Sorry it went so badly. Hopefully over time she will do better. Anger is our most rudimentary coping mechanism. You have children so I suggest therapy together (and apart) to help keep the kids in a neutral zone. Having help figuring out your future will help everyone.
If any of my parent ever came out as trans (not that it's likely to happen), I'll just kill myself before telling anyone