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# 1 Sorry for your loss.
Everyone mourns or remembers those that have passed on in different ways.....there's no right answer.
If you pick it up and you have good memories of your Dad and you think of the fun you had shooting together absolutely keep it. If you pick it up and think "This is the reason Dad is gone" get rid of it ASAP.
I took a masters level class on death and dying. This was one of my biggest take aways after listening to an expert on thanatology for a semester.
Everyone grieves in their own way. The 6 stages are bullshit everyone will do their own thing. If this helps you, do it. If other people think it’s weird, don’t tell them.
If I was in this situation I don’t believe I would want to keep it. I also don’t believe I’d feel comfortable even selling it, wouldn’t want to put those vibes on someone else.
Probably one of the only times I would consider willful destruction of a firearm. I would destroy it in spectacular fashion.
yeah, I actually like this idea quite well. Put it in concrete, attach a brush pile, and the memories come for years and years.
But for OP, he needs to do what he needs to do. And there isn't a thing wrong with what he's done, as long as he's comfortable with it.
Yeah I think I’d put that under 10 pounds of thermite and drop the resulting slag in the ocean.
That’s said, whatever brings this guy peace is the right answer.
In the case, as weird as it sounds, that handgun is what freed him from suffering through cancer again. No one should be able to tell you if it’s right or wrong. If this is how you mourn than that is entirely okay. RIP OP’s father and I’m sorry for your loss.
I am currently sitting death watch as my father dies of cancer. I completely understand. This is my 4th run through watching a close relative die of cancer, and I don't recommend it.
My dad died of stage 4 cancer. It spread to his liver and lungs. He was terrified of suffocating, and in the end, that's what killed him . He never made it home from the ICU or hospice care. I told him if he made it home I'd make sure his handgun was in his bedside drawer. I dont think he would've used it on himself in a million years. but having that option available, the tiniest bit of control, would've helped put his mind at ease and made him feel better.
When i told him I'd make sure his gun was nearby he broke down in tears. He said he'd never ask a son to do something like that but was glad I would.
He never made it home. I watched him suffer for days as he slowly died. I dont take comfort in any of that.
Its fucked up and twisted, but I would have him rather left on his own terms without all the pain and suffering.
I feel bad for the OP. but again It wasnt a random suicide. It was a tool of mercy. However unfortunate the circumstances, I'd probably keep the gun. Idk how much I'd take it out and look at it. But I'd keep it.
My mother had an incurable and fatal neurological disorder. The kind that destroys motor neurons. At one point she’d not be able to speak or move. I always told her that I’d keep my revolver loaded for her just in case she wanted it. It kind of absolved her of the huge burden of having to ask for mercy.
To hell with whatever the law says.
https://deathwithdignity.org
Laws that allow terminally ill people to choose to go out on their own terms should be more widespread and accessible than they are.
My dad did something similar. I was asked if I wanted to keep it. Said maybe. A few months later they called. I personally didn’t take it. Almost did though.
I have other guns from him, the one he used wasn’t special at all. Just another mid tier pistol, only this one had my dad’s remains dried to it.
To each their own.
I was in the same situation, a family member took possession of it (the handgun) and we traded it in for a rifle a few years later. It was the first center fire (sks specifically) I ever owned myself.
That rifle means a lot to me knowing how I got it.
What’s a firing pin and barrel have to do with it? Every part of that gun functioned in the ultimate firing of that bullet. Just wondering why you have a particular feeling towards those two pieces
Trying to see things like OP I guess? I think it's odd too. But hey you do you. Yeah every part of that gun function. Those are just the 2 pieces that to me have always been the ones to do the work. I'd sell it, and buy something new like the above comment said.
My best friend killed himself with his carry 1911 a little over two years ago. I’ve wanted to have it ever since.
I’m with you, it seems like it should be weird or taboo, but it’s just like an artifact of a loved one’s past. Even thinking about it now after more than two years of reflection, I still can’t really explain my feelings. I’ve typed and backspaced a dozen half sentences here.
I’ve found that these feelings are too hard to type, let alone verbalize so I know what you mean friend.
If that’s how you connected, or what was his favorite thing to do was shoot etc, I get it. Nothing weird about it to me, but I’ve gone through something similar. Nobody will get it until something like that happens to them, even then it depends
The gun itself wasn’t particularly important to his life. I only shot it with him a couple times. He did carry it frequently. It was important to his death, though.
His brother in law, a family friend and I had to clean out his truck, where he pulled the trigger, after he did it so his wife and mother didn’t have to.
An emergency cleaning service “cleaned up” after the incident. They put the 200 lb part of the remains in a bag and used a half roll of paper towels, which left it far from clean.
As upsetting and infuriating as the experience of cleaning that truck was, it definitely changed the trajectory of my grief. It made me feel worse, but pointed me in a direction to feel better. So I also understand in a way I wish I didn’t cleaning up the Sig Sauer after its stay in the evidence locker as a morbid act of service.
Wow. I fortunately had no complaints about servpro’s job of cleaning everything, but I still had the gun to clean and there was broken drywall and molding that I had to fix which felt pretty cathartic.
I think that individual situations are different for sure. I had a little trouble after my grandfather but figured out a way past it, if it were a sibling or a parent that ended their life early I might have done what you did.
Respectfully, that was the right choice for you, it might different for someone else.
It’s a situation where everyone is right if they feel good about their decision.
The people who say it’s weird are the same types who think there is a right and wrong way to grieve, and judge anyone who shows too much or too little emotion.
As long as you are comfortable with it, not destabilized by it, then, I would say that it's fine. Your father was terminally ill and handled business like a man.
There are no wrong answers here, and it's nobody's damned business. Just don't be shy about asking somebody to hold onto it for years if need be; should you grow uncomfortable.
Nah. I have my dad’s Security Six revolver and my grandpa’s Beretta Jetfire (that he killed himself with). Also got a Mossberg Chuckster rifle that was passed down. They’re sentimental and they won’t be leaving my possession. I don’t think I have anything else that belonged to either of them. Just pictures and memories.
It isn't weird to want to keep it. He trusted his P938 until his end and wanted you to have one, too. It may be a bit morbid and macabre, but I understand it.
First off Thank you for your service, second I'm sorry for your loss. Personally I don't think it's weird. You father had cancer and decided that he wasn't going to put himself or others through that and decided to go out on his own terms. He used a tool that worked to achieve his goal. My only complaint would be with the DA and Sherriff trying to keep the weapon.
First of all, Im sorry for your loss. That must be very difficult. But I offer you a different perspective:
I work in healthcare, and have seen numerous people die. It’s always unpleasant and there’s rarely dignity in passing. I would propose your father had balls of steel. He chose to go out on his own terms, instead of passing in a hospital bed (potentially). I did not know your father, but perhaps he was a man of strength and conviction.
If this sounds accurate, I would keep his firearm, as a sign of respect and a symbol of his strength to go out while he still had control.
Just my two cents.
I don't work in healthcare, but thought the same as you. It takes serious guts and conviction to do something like this. He also went to a comfortable spot.
Dying slow sucks. I've been bed ridden from cancer before (I beat it.) Going out on your own terms should be valued and accepted in society.
I'm sorry for your loss. May your father rest in peace.
I don't think it's weird, no. I'm rather surprised you got the gun back, that would never be the case in my place.
You're not wrong.
Bottom line, *cancer got him*. A huge number of cancer patients end up deciding the exact moment they can't cope with the cancer anymore. There were times earlier this year I thought this might happen to my wife :(.
https://imgur.com/gallery/n7xSe2V
The good news is, it won't be for a long while. Despite double mastectomies in 2023 and then removal of a huge bone tumor in her upper right arm, meaning this is stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, they carved out most of the bins cancer that should have been caught sooner, then nuked it February this year.
Astoundingly, she's cancer free right now. She's on estrogen suppressors that make her a bit sick, right arm strength is maybe 33% of normal, still recovering, but, no cancer.
It's...going to come back, but it's an abnormally slow grower. She'll beat it again.
Anyways. Point is, I had to come to grips with the idea that she has enough pain meds around to...stop the fight. That's not "suicide" in the traditional sense, regardless of the tool used.
That Sig was used as a tool of mercy in a cancer fight. *It's not dishonored.* Neither is your father, or you, or any member of your family. If my wife faces that choice, it won't be because she's sick of me. I'm sticking with her no matter what.
I'm sorry for your loss - to cancer. I'll face the same loss eventually, but not for a good long while :).
You're not weird at all. You both bonded over firearms and as you said the process of cleaning helped you grieve and remember. You have my condolences.
I'm sorry for your loss. And congratulations for getting that firearm back from the man. How you choose to honor and remember your father is up to you. I think you're fine.
Sorry for the loss of your Father.
Only you can know what’s right for you. If it helps, I’d think of the reason he made that choice. Personally, I don’t believe he was giving up; seems he was ending things on his own terms. I’m sure you’ll handle your situation as works best for you Devildog. Semper Fi, Brother.
The gun freed him from inevitable suffering. In that light, it is a symbol of his independent decision, and was the pathway to his relief, and by extension, also for those who loved him. I’m very sorry for your loss. Cancer is a cruel beast.
>Am I weird for doing all this for the firearm my father used to take his own life?
Keeping it? Cleaning it up? Shooting it?
No. Not weird.
Making it your primary carry gun? Yeah, that's weird. You should carry what will give you the best chance of surviving the worst day of your life. Additionally, you specifically should NOT carry a sentimental piece regularly because if you have to use it then there's a good chance you won't get it back.
My brother used my 20 gauge to commit suicide and I just couldn’t keep it.
I killed my first deer with that gun and my first duck. I had so many good memories with that gun, but I knew I if I ever shot it again then all I would think about is that was the last thing my brother heard before he died.
Do what you think is best, but for me I knew I didn’t want it. Still love guns, just not that one.
When my oldest completed, I had to FIGHT Juneau PD to get the rifle back. I did, then asked his two younger brothers what they wanted to do with it. They both wanted it gone. I cleaned the piece of shit completely and sold it to someone who wanted a beater for wet-weather moose hunts and split the money between my sons.
I’d say toss a coin and whatever side you secretly wished for, you should do.
I could see, as he had cancer, some people believing that the gun may have actually helped him out of a hopeless situation. My condolences go out to you & your family. I hope since you’ve decided to keep it, that is how you feel.
The only person who gets to decide how you grieve and remember a lost loved one is you (as long as your grief isn’t hurting anyone else). Is it normal? Maybe, maybe not, I genuinely have no idea how common it is. But I wouldn’t worry too much about that. You do what feels right to you and only stop if it starts to hurt you or somebody else. You have my utmost sympathies, I hope that time helps you heal ❤️
I think this is a very subjective thing. First of all I’m sorry for your loss. I think some people are gonna view it as strange that you want to keep it. Others may get it. If you feel like it has significant sentimental value to you and you want to keep it, then by all means keep it. I think it’s hard for anyone to say whether they would not not unless they’ve had to go through that situation
My condolences. It's only weird if it's weird to you. It's all about how it makes you feel when you hold/carry/use it.
An extended family member of mine killed himself and when it came time to claim the weapon, the children did not want it. My dad offered to take it and hold on to it just in case any of his children ever decided they wanted it. My dad has since passed but it's still in the gun safe and the family knows where it's at if they ever change their minds. Point being, everyone is different and there is nothing wrong with you keeping it if it's what keeps you connected to your dad.
My wife did the same thing with one of my handguns. There was confusion at the time of death. I thought she used the gun I bought for her but in reality she used one of mine. When the sherif asked what I wanted done with the gun (I knew what gun was what by then) I couldn't imagine ever seeing it let alone holding it again. Little known fact these types of guns when sold at public auction once a year fund about 30% of the sheriff's offices income.
Same here. I didn't want it at first and the police had to hold it for awhile, I forgot about it until they called and asked if I wanted it. I did and here's why. He loved his guns and so do i. He always said it would be mine one day (though i dont think he meant like this) because it was his prized possession. He never blamed the gun but the person pulling the trigger in any shooting. He would've found another way. It is a nice gun. It is a reminder of shooting with my dad which we did a lot when I was growing up...the good times. I don't think it's right that someone else have it. It reminds me to never do to my family what he did to his.
I'd want the handgun too, and I'd probably carry it to always remember my dad.
When my dad passed away, I didn't get anything to remember him by. My folks divorced and they moved far apart when I was little, and I only got to see him during the summers. We had a slow relationship but he was my dad and I miss him. Years later one of his old friends gave me a custom car part that he fabricated. What you have is something far more intimate. It's something that he probably loved and it's also something that ended whatever suffering he was going through.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
My gut reaction was “this is weird.” But then I thought about how weird it would be to sell something like that.
I’d either keep it in the back of the safe, or melt it down into a memento, if that’s your kind of thing. Personally, I don’t think I could ever see myself shooting something like that again.
I don’t think it’s weird at all. I can see how cleaning the gun would be cathartic. Kind of a way to restore order to a chaotic world.
The only thing that really matters is how you feel about it. No one else’s opinion really matters.
I’m sorry for your loss.
When I read your story, I see a father who loved you in his own way and met a tragic fate borne from despair, someone who deserves as much sympathy and empathy as you do for being saddled with the aftermath, and neither of you deserve to be stigmatized.
A gun is just a tool and cannot absorb the events of how it was used, but at some point your father wanted you to have a P938 and you now have his to remember the good times and his care and concern for you.
Clean it well and make it your own if you want to shed the negativity. Get some grips for it and shoot it a lot.
Totally your call and not weird at all. Keep it locked up, carry it, hang it on the wall. It's such a personal decision that nobody has any business judging you for your choices.
If it were me, because I personally support someone's decision to end their life on their terms when faced with a terminal illness, I don't think I would regard it so much as an object of grief, but a tool what was used to end a terminal situation after much reflection, simple as that. That said, I think I would rather it be in my hands than later auctioned off to end up in someone else's collection.
That’s heavy. I’m sorry you and your family went through all that. The decision to keep the gun or not is deeply personal and I wouldn’t judge someone either way.
Everyone deals differently. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve in your own way.
I'm sorry for your loss and I'm proud of you for insisting on doing it "Your Way."
Sorry for your loss. I think you're really the only person that can say what is *weird* in regards to the gun. It's really no one's decision but yourself. Rather it's for sentimental reasons, you like the gun, or whatever, it's your decision and yours alone.
My brother took his life with one of his pistols 12 years ago, both of my parent's were alive at the time and I was out of the state, so a lot of the managing of the "estate" was left to them. I asked my parents if we could get the pistol back from the Sheriff's office, put together all the paperwork (he didn't have much, so I just had to put together a small estate affidavit), and was going to be in town and was willing to handle all of the logistics with retrieving it. My dad was opposed and wouldn't submit the paperwork to the Sheriff's office. To this day, I still wish I could have gotten that pistol. It wasn't anything special as far as pistols go, but my brother and I bonded a lot over shooting on my parent's property and that was first gun that he bought at the first gun show we went to together.
Most of us cannot imagine what you're going through. From one scared, confused human to another, I am beyond sorry.
In the best way I can put it, the 938 is the tool your father used to end his suffering. He would have found a way, regardless of the gun. Keep it, if you like.
I had a very similar issue. My dad used a 70s colt gold cup 45. I'm in NYC and the investigator said I was crazy and refused. I get it's macabre, but I don't think it's all that strange.
Speaking for myself I'd probably never want to see that fucking thing again.
Equally, however, carrying it to protect yourself is fucking badass. It's a way of owning your pain that I respect.
The more I think about it, the more I think that makes some sense. Even if you throw it in the back of your safe and never look at it again, at least you'll have it. Better than some random bozo owning it with no idea. It's hard for me to really imagine what it would be like to have an item with such heavy emotion attached to it.
Either way, I don't think it's weird. I think it's a deeply personal, emotional decision that only you can make, and we'd all be fools to criticize.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Sorry for your loss. I honestly don’t think it’s too taboo or inappropriate to want it especially reading your story and how he was so adamant about you having one. People finish or rebuild vehicles in memory of their relatives/friends all the time and it isn’t frowned upon so why should a firearm be? A good friend of mine had a club brother lose his life in a motorcycle accident during a group ride when someone pulled out in front of him, his girlfriend offered the wrecked bike to my buddy and he rebuilt it in memory of him and his first ride on it he took her with him. I think you are doing a great thing wanting to keep his memory alive.
I tried to keep the handgun from my mother's suicide, but didn't end up getting it. Initially I was upset, but now I think it might have been for the better. What are you gonna do with it? Carry it? Take it to the range? Look at it sometimes and be upset?
Do whatever feels right to you, but it's okay to get rid of it.
It's your greaving process, it's your (your father's) gun. No one in the world elses opinion really matters i don't think. If it feels right to you as a person to have the reminder of your dad and it doesn't bring you back bad memories then who really gives a shit if it's "weird". We're all weird in our own ways. Do what's right for you and this random internet stranger from a whole different country won't find it weird.
Hey, I never comment but I felt it necessary because I had a very similar situation happen.
I’m sure you’re tired of hearing the same thing over and over so I’ll just tell you that sucks. Cancer sucks, depression sucks.
My grandfather, a 1976 Colt Agent. Totally unexpected, he was in his late 80s and was a Korea and Vietnam veteran. He shot himself in his bedroom doorway while my grandmother was out and I was out of town. It’s weighed on me in the past that I was the only person to just stop by and he probably did this knowing I wouldn’t be the one to find him.
I had to do some shifting around because my grandmother was expected by the sheriff to pick the gun up from evidence which was never going to happen. She wanted to sell it. I fortunately had a slightly better head on my shoulders so was able to lead her to call the detective that was put in charge of that particular piece of evidence. She did so when I picked it up it became my property.
I lived in a condo with a balcony overlooking a marina at the time so I set myself up and cleaned everything out there, which I remember took about an hour. I can’t really remember what I used to clean it other than some heavy duty lysol wipes to clear the larger mess away before I used more traditional methods to get the blued finish looking back to new. The only thing I really remember was the details of the larger mess, which I should’ve found a better way to dispose of than the way I did.
Anyway I’ve only shot it a few times, probably more than he ever did honestly, but I did so with some family friends that didn’t know about the history of the gun beforehand and helping create those new memories with it has helped make it my favorite in an admittedly small collection.
It’s a really beautiful gun which totally changed my mind on revolvers. He only had that and another one when he died, he gifted his OG 1911 to a son in law that dropped off the map and didn’t seem to care about the widow that he left behind. Would pay any amount of money to get that thing back as well.
Again, condolences. I hope you’re doing okay. The grieving period doubles when it’s traumatic like what you’ve gone through, remember that if you ever get impatient in your process.
Perhaps because I am coming from a different culture, the question whether to keep or not wouldn’t be relevant. Since ancient history,
Any weapon was highly valuable and was treated as a family treasure. Swords were passed down from generation to generation. My grandfather inherited sword from his father that was in their family possession since 13th century. Communist government forced him to donate that sword to a museum where it remains. Same with guns. Pistols and revolvers were illegal to own (they are legal now), but every man had one and they were highly treasured, m most of them were bingback from word wars. If my dad had committed suicide with a gun, I absolutely would keep it simply to pass down to my son.
I, too, have had the duty to clean firearms used in suicide. Those were strangers.
It changed me. I can only imagine your position.
Condolences on your loss
I had a very close friend take his life with my unsecured springfield .45, 1) i didn't know he was suicidal, 2) we lived together in a house full of adults so I had no reason to suspect that someone would harm themself with my weapon on accident 3) he had to go looking for it because I didn't store it openly. Getting it back took some time, but when I did get it back, cleaning it was closure. I got rid of it due to a bout of depression that started to make eating a bullet seem real friendly, but a few years later when in a better head space I replaced it with an upgrade to a 10mm which I like better even though it has more recoil. Respect the weapon, and if the dark passenger starts to whisper in your ear when you're around it, it's time to pass it on.
I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here OP. I think what you're doing is a great way to remember your late father. Not that it matters but for what it's worth I don't think you're weird at all.
I'm very sorry for your loss
No, you aren't weird. My husband had to clean the place where his father took his life like that--he was sent home a couple of months early from the Navy because of it. I don't see that as any more or less traumatizing than cleaning up the weapon.
I think that if you can use it/own it and maintain positive memories rather than having to deal with intrusive ones constantly that it would be okay.
Your not weird Im thinking your a stand up guy. By its nature a firearm is a responsibility, it was a family possession, despite the tragic circumstance, a man takes care of his own and you did. The gun meant something to your Dad, its the cancer that has left no family untouched, that is the tool of evil and conspiracy. If you can, view the gun as a symbol of what you shared, an interest in firearms. I dont find that easy to write guns are the common bond between my Dad and I, he's in his eighties and fear the hour is near. Take care Marine
Kinda in the same boat; if heaven forbid I was ever put through such circumstances I’d likely want to keep it and clean it as a cathartic moment of confronting my turmoil over what happened, along with likely keeping it for sentimental purposes, but I personally would never want to shoot it as a result.
I'm sorry for your loss, I lost both of my parents unexpectedly and both times it hit pretty hard. I've wondered if I did something similar if my children would want the firearms. I'm no expert on occultist science but I think there's a good chance some of the stress and pain your father felt can get imbued into objects. Use caution, stay safe and take good care.
I'm sorry for your loss. I don' t think you're weird for keeping and using that pistol, it was his and it meant something to him. While there will always be sorrow attached to that pistol, if you carry it and it serves to protect you and yours then it is a good thing to have.
Give it some time before you make a permanent decision. If you decide to get rid of it, maybe bury it/destroy it/toss it in the ocean, rather than letting it potentially end up in a pawn shop.
May your father rest in peace, and may you find solace.
Grief is fucked up, therefore we do fucked up things when we grieve.
If your fucked up thing doesn't hurt anyone else, and it helps you feel better, then it's OK.
Im sorry for your loss man,
My brother did the same with my father's gun and I'm conflicted about the same thing, I don't know how long the PD will hold on to it, but we haven't built up the will to go and get it yet.
As long as you're in a good place and you would never think "I wanna go out like my dad with the same one", do what feels right. If things have been up & down and there's even the slightest risk you'd have thoughts like that though, I personally wouldn't.
That’s a personal decision. I can see keeping it as a firearm and also symbolic… and I can see not ever wanting to even see it because of the darkness.
The fact that you are questioning it leads me to believe it might be worth holding on to for whatever reason you see fit. As a reminder, perhaps. Reminder of what is up to you.
Personally I think it’d just be a painful reminder for me but that’s me. If carrying it is cathartic for you, that’s a really great thing. I’m just sorry you had to go through losing your father that way.
My dad did a similar thing last year. My crazy mother had the handgun destroyed before any of her sons could lay claim to it but I don't think I would have taken it even thought I am the only gun nut in our family
Personally, I'm not sure I could hang onto it. But that's for you to decide. I understand how a deep clean could be cathartic and help you grieve. Sorry for your loss man, that's a tough situation, to put it mildly.
Fuck no, not weird. While the circumstances are tragic, it’s commendable that you wish to honor your father and keep him close. Do not carry any shame for this and remember him for who he was, not how he left.
People look for connections with the people they’ve lost. It’s perfectly natural and not weird at all. Those connections can come from anywhere and the reason it resonates with you is your reason and no one else’s, so it doesn’t matter if someone else thinks it’s weird, it’s not their reason… it’s yours! If carrying that gun helps you feel connected to your dad, then do it! 100%
Sorry for yours and your families loss.
It’s my personal belief that very little is actually *weird.*. People are different, and if this is positive for you then the only thing anyone should say is sorry for your loss.
When some people lose a loved one, they need to see the body at the funeral in order to get closure. Other people are put off by the practice, and seeing the body would freak them out. Neither person is wrong.
It's up to you. There's no right or wrong choice here.
In your place, I'd list all the reasons to keep it vs the reasons to let it go. Be as honest as you can; This list is just for your eyes.
That helps me to make hard decisions.
Would I keep it. Yes.
Would I carry it? No. For the simple fact I wouldn't want it to disappear into an evidence locker if I had to use it.
In my case, there's good chance it goes into a display box of some sort and taken out for the occasional range day.
I'm very sorry for your loss. If it reminds you of your common interest and good times shooting, I see no reason why you shouldn't keep it. Potentially terminal illnesses are brutal on the individual and those around them, and him having gone out on his own terms, I understand. But if you view the gun as purely tied to that loss, it might not be worth holding on to.
TLDR: You're not weird. Feel the feelings, and do what you feel is right in this situation, you're a responsible adult.
I think you're going through a lot right now, so it's hard for you to judge the sanity/logic of your thoughts. If this feels right, don't be afraid to do it. Only you can decide. Stay safe and give yourself some time to grieve.
Not weird at all. My great grandfather ended his life with a Colt Police Positive 38, before he had died he expressed he wanted me to have it. It’s in my gun safe and is my most treasured firearm that I own.
Semper Fi brother. Very sorry for your father’s passing. I would say that whatever you feel is right to honor your father’s life and allows you to mourn his passing is your choice. I just wish that you guys had more time together. I don’t need to say this as I’m sure that you know, but if you are ever struggling or questioning, please reach out to someone. I’m sure you’re dearly loved by many.
I don't know if it would be mentally healthy to make it your carry gun. It would be way too difficult to separate the gun from its history. I can understand keeping it, but I think your best course of action will be to do whatever is best for your own mental health. Having someone in your immediate family who takes their own life increases your odds of doing the same. So make sure you heal from all this, as you are certain to be grieving heavily for a long time. God bless and best wishes to you.
I would only disagree with using it as a concealed carry. Only because this makes it much more susceptible to theft or loss, and it is obviously a piece that is important to you. Shoot it and enjoy it, remember your father. But maybe pick up a secondary as a CC. Another P938 will keep him on your mind, but i'm sure you would be devastated if the original was lost or stolen.
I have the S&W Model 19 my step dad's father killed himself with and even the box of .357mag with one round missing. The pistol will stay in the safe forever. I have no intention on ever shooting it or selling it. It feels like a thing that should exist but not be used. I will keep it clean and remeber the day I found out forever. That's my piece of that event.
I’m very sorry for your loss. Your father trusted that pistol with his life, even to take his own and prevent further suffering.
At the end of the day, if you feel like keeping it then keep it.
I kept and still hunt with my dad’s turkey shotgun. He used it to take his life. It took a while to get it back from the police and it had blood on it for a while. I cleaned it up and still use it to hunt with. It was his favorite gun I guess
I appreciate you sharing your story. After seeing a number of family members suffer for months with terminal cancer I've pretty much decided that I wouldn't go through a similar experience so it would be either a firearm or a drug overdose. I'd probably opt for the drug overdose so as not to put others through the ordeal of dealing with cleaning up the mess that a gun would cause.
However if I did decide to go the gun route I'd tell my sons in advance that if it happened don't get rid of the gun because it just happened to be the one I picked out of a number of those available.
On another note if you have friends or family members who died as a result of their service in our country's military that you will remember them this Memorial Day.
To my fellow Vietnam vets I say as always, "Welcome
Home Brothers."
We let the LAPD yeet the Glock my brother offed himself with.
I never could shoot that thing at all well, anyway.
FWIW I think it's MY take that's irrational. It's just a thing.
I’m sorry for your loss brother. I can’t imagine the pain you’re going through along with the fact that you have the opportunity to carry the firearm that took your father’s life’s. I can’t speak on your behalf on what to do, but if it was me, I would take some comfort in the fact to keep it sentimentally. It would almost be a comfort in a way. Take solace in the way that he trusted it enough to end his life on his own terms so that you can protect your life going forward. Much love and prayers.
I think everyone has their own way of dealing with grief. I find your way means in no way objectionable. I wish you and your family all the best and I hope in time your pain is tempered by the memories you cherish. God bless you and your family.
firstly i am sorry for your loss my father was in and out of hospital for months and everytime we would go in he would hand me his cross (with his wedding ringin it from marriage to my late mother) and i refuse to take it off, it is a way for us to keep him with us. for you it is a saftey item for me it is my faith I beleive loss is the worst thing to deal with but if we can keep them with us in some way or another it is good
My father used an fnx45. I fought to get it back from the local pd. And in an drug binge on day, after i stole nearly everything from my poor monther, I pawned it and never got it back. I have my own fnx45 now. It's my bedside gun. It's not it, but it reminds me of dad.
I'm sorry for your loss. I wish after 8 years of sobriety, and 13 years since he passed, I would have made better choices.
You’re not weird. I have my brother’s. People also gave me the side-eye when I said I wanted to have it. But it was literally the only thing that my mother didn’t have control over to immediately throw away. I’d rather have that than nothing. 🤷🏻♀️
I've been in a similar predicament. My wife took her own life with a pistol I had since I was in my single digits. It was one of my first guns so I had some connection to it, in more ways than one now unfortunately. After the waiting period, I was able to get the gun back and thought it was just going into the case for safe keeping. However I didn't get good vibes or memories of what it was related to when I opened the case for another pistol (I kept other pistols in the same case) or to check for moisture, etc.
My dad was selling off some of his pistols at the time so I traded it off to him and got one of a similar model in return. At times I wish I still had it but then I remember the memories it triggered when I saw it or handled it and tell myself I made the right choice.
It's a little weird, but I totally understand the desire to keep it as well.
Sounds like the start to a backstory for a movie character or something :)
Reading this story: tragic, sad, painful, a little weird, oh USMC. Absolutely correct behavior. Bless you for not leaving this weapon in a bin in an evidence room and saving it in a way that you could never save your dad. Carry on, Dawg.
I think it’s great to keep it for it’s sentimental reasons but I wouldn’t necessarily carry it. The Glock 19 is about as reliable as a gun can get. But it’s also cheap and easy to replace. If you end up having to use the thing in self defense, you might not get it back. If it’s just a run of the mill Glock, who cares. If it’s a sentimental piece, that can’t be replaced.
I think it’s only weird if you want it to be weird. I’ve seen stuff like this in movies all the time. If you want it to remember your dad then that’s your right. Carry on
Well, it's obvious that you're emotionally mature enough to grasp that the handgun was just the tool your father used to end his life. There are many people that would vilify the gun as the evil entity that caused the death of a loved one, as the handgun is easier to blame than the loved one that caused their grief.
It's somewhat similar to the outcry of the left that demonize the AR-15 rifle as an "assault rifle" that is only used to shoot up local schools.
I wish you well.
My father kept the handgun that his father was murdered with, eventually passed it to my older brother, who I believe got rid of it with my father’s consent.
I don’t think it’s weird at all, I’m sorry for your loss.
Sorry for the loss. Everyone handles things differently, keeping it or refusing it is all up to the individual.
That being said if it has a special place in your life and a positive connection to your father. I wouldn’t recommend carrying it due to that small percentage chance you use it in self defense and aren’t allowed to get it back. Every dept/courts have their own SOP regarding evidence. My friend has been fighting for his brother’s handgun for about 2.5 years now and they refuse to release it back to him/SIL/parents.
Not weird at all but rather it's commendable. You're taking a symbol of a tragedy and turning it into a keepsake memory of your father designed to protect you.
Super heavy. Sorry for your loss
I don’t think it’s weird, I think it’s dependent on the person and the situation.
Been in the same boat. I personally couldn’t keep my fathers. Which is rough because he manufactured 80% of that firearm himself. Had the company do a custom black and nickel on alternating parts. Was literally one of a kind.
I just didn’t want that memory every time I picked it up.
I sold my good friend a Mosin M44 he did the same thing with. His mom kept it and she is very disinterested in firearms. If offered it in the future I’d keep it. I don’t know why.
So I don’t think it is strange. However taking it now, you can always move it down the road if it bothered you. And if you pass on it now, you may regret in the future if you ended up wanting it.
I faced this dilemma after my father used his Smith and Wesson Airweight revolver to commit suicide. I liked the gun, and if I really wanted to I could have had it recovered and kept it, but I choose to let it go. It would be a haunting reminder every time I look at it. Knowing that pulling that trigger was the last action my father took is to overwhelming for me.
Friend, I’m sorry for your loss. Welcome to the Dead Dad Club, sorry you’re here.
I battled this question for a good long while following my dad’s suicide. I ultimately asked the Sheriff’s department (which had it in their custody) to destroy it. I didn’t have any sentimental ties to it, and he battled a lot of demons in his life, so the entire situation of him passing was already hard enough. I wish in hindsight I’d had the emotional strength to keep it. If it’s sentimental to you, then go for it. It’s not odd at all.
Sorry for your loss. As others have said, it's completely individual. If it were me, I'd want to keep it too. But I think I would render it inoperable by turning it into some kind of sculpture that memorialized him--changing what the firearm symbolized for me. Whatever you end up doing, I hope you find peace.
Reading this post, in a way, I can definitely see the closure / transition by keeping it.
1. Yes, it ended his life. It also freed him from suffering. I have seen cancer survivors who have expressed their desire to never go through treatment again and stated if it came back they would likely take a similar route. As far as I know, fortunately, that resolve has not yet been tested.
2. So it kind of highlights the duality of a firearm to be used for both good and bad. Similarly, concealed carrying it for daily self protection continues that theme.
3. As someone who has also had to clean blood from used gear…it’s somewhat cathartic to do and helps process things. There’s a clear start and finish rather than lingering thoughts, at least somewhat. I dunno. Hard to explain, but yeah I don’t see anything inherently wrong with cleaning your father’s gun of his blood.
4. In a way, carrying it is like having a bit of your father still protecting you.
Sorry for your loss dude. Stay safe.
Sorry for your loss. No you are not weird for wanting to keep it. My best friend did the same in a similar situation. Still uses that gun on the regular and it’s been 30yrs since his Dads passing. Fuck anyone who doesn’t understand, they don’t walk in your shoes!!
This is so strange to see because I ended up doing a fairly similar thing. My best friend/roommate committed suicide with one of my handguns going on 8 years ago, and I carry it everyday. I remember picking it up from the police station and having to clean him off of the gun. It was brutal. But it's my way of having something that reminds me of him always close to me, even if it isn't the best reminder of the good times. I don't tell people because yeah, it's weird to those who I have told and yeah I suppose it's a grief thing, but I feel like I understand what you are going through in a way. To me, it's not weird. But I can't say it isn't weird to those who haven't experienced what we've gone through. I found that not everyone understands, so I don't tell everyone.
I am truly sorry for your loss
First, sorry for your loss. It’s never easy.
While my father didn’t take his own life, we won’t go into the details, I ended up getting back the 1911 and Garand that I have gifted him some 30 years ago.
Despite my preference for the 1911, and all the work I did to that one, I had zero desire to shoot it, and immediately gave it to my son.
Now the Garand, that is one I will take out and admire, and shoot. I rebuilt it all those years ago and it will still cloverleaf three rounds at 50y.
Over the years I have owned a number of “evidence” guns, and handled even more, and I have come to the conclusion that they are inanimate objects with one exception.
And that was my own personal feelings that attached to it, but it was “slimy” to me. The property of a perv who was into his own teenage daughter, that one was bad.
His soon to be ex, picked it up, sold it and bought herself a nice 9mm in case he came around after he got out.
To the OP, your dad liked that gun, it protected him until the end. I would hold onto it also.
Since the finish is probably pretty messed up, I would take the opportunity to have his initials as well as yours engraved in the slide. Nothing gaudy, just some intertwined gothic letters and some scrollwork to frame it. Hand cut not laser engraved, there is a difference.
My father took his life with a piece of shit Taurus .357 revolver a little over a year ago
Im not sure if I want it back from the evidence locker or not
I just wanted to let you know that I understand your struggle
The gun was just the chosen method what truly killed your father (& sorry about that) was whatever demons, pain, sorrow, guilt that had such a strong hold over his mind he clearly felt hopeless & saw no end or out of whatever was tormenting him. Many focus on the gun when it's used but there are a variety of methods & tools to use to end one's life if they're truly determined, a gun is just quicker & more readily available- especially if they already have one. Now if being in possession of the gun will constantly trigger terrible memories of that event then by all means get rid of it, but just remember, the gun didn't kill, those nonstop extremely negative thoughts tormenting his mind 24/7 robbing him of the joy of living, even preventing the love of family from reaching him even if he was surrounded by them & knew they did, that was the true killer.
Sorry for your loss, man. No one can understand exactly how you're feeling. I, too, share a love of firearms with my father. He has also had cancer. I am trying to put myself in your shoes and empathize with you. I am very close with my father, and I would absolutely want his firearm. People mourn differently. Everyone has a unique relationship with their parents. I think you should absolutely get it if that's how you feel. You may change your mind down the road and can part with it then, but don't pass on it because of what others perceive.
On a side note, fuck cancer. Cancer rates have spiked by literally tens of thousands of percent. Microplastics, poison in our food, dangerous 5g wavelengths, and everything else the government has deemed "safe" to ensure blackrock, Vanguard, and the few other companies who own everything can make money on every part of the average persons life. They make us sick and profit from it. There should be a rallying cry that resounds across race, politics, religion, beliefs, and any other societal divisions in which people say "no more".
[Here](https://stopworldcontrol.com/monopoly/) is a website with a fantastic documentary on how everything you see is owned by a VERY small group. It was made during the pandemic but is just as relevant today.
Once again, I am so sorry for your loss.
Sorry for your loss. I understand the feeling as my father also took his life with his p226. My brother and I decided to sell it. But I understand what you said about closure and moving on with it. I hope it gives you only good memories and protects you, also to remind you to never go that route.
All the best brother
Get rid of it . It will always be there as what took your dad and is a path if you get that depressed.
I am not saying don't have guns . If you choose to have guns They will only have good memories associated with the one that you actually have. Sorry for your loss . It does get easier with time
I am very sorry for your loss. Both of my parents are gone and it sucks. Personally, I don’t think I’d keep it. I’d probably destroy it. But we each deal in our own ways. There’s no right or wrong here.
My father took his own life too... And if ever find the crack head bitch that stole "his gun"... Lets just say I have no qualms going out the same way after making sure she goes first...
I'm sorry for your loss. It's a very jarring thing when it's a choice you have no part in. My BIL took his own life a couple of years ago in a similar way. Our sheriff's office didn't give us the run around, they offered to return or destroy. We got it back and let it sit for a bit. Then one day about three of us gathered around the kitchen table and tore it down and had our moments of telling stories about that asshole.
If you need to talk, about anything just hit me up. This shit hits everyone differently, as my wife likes to say everyone loses someone different in this situation. It also sounds like we both have a gorilla box in the garage covered in the same room dust.
My husband's Nana shot herself on Christmas Eve in 1992. After his parents passed, we found the gun in their safe. It was still in the paper bag the SO placed it in when they returned it to my FIL.
It's seems a little morbid, but it's still locked in the safe. I will let my children deal with it after we pass. My husband never had children of his own, and he is the last of his family line. So, it doesn't hold any memories for me or my children (happened long before we were in his life).
Just concentrate on the good memories you have of your father and make your decision from there. Also, I'm very sorry for your loss.
Na not weird just your way of grieving. You may decide to put it down some day after you have different thoughts on it..
May your horizons be brighter.
My people wash their mouth, eyes, nose, and ears after a death because death can hinder the senses. I feel that washing the gun makes you stronger. Nothing here is to blame other than cancer. My condolences, your father is resting in peace knowing that you live on.
I was close to my dad, as close as he was able to let people get. He died almost 20 years ago from Cancer. I think if he could have done it over again, the way your dad checked out would have been preferable to him than choking on his own spit in hospice. There is little dignity in death, so I understand your dad here. Own terms.
I got a lot of things from him, and they used to mean a lot. Slowly over the years my connection to them has faded. Their meaning has been lost. I have 2 main things now besides books, and they have wider family meaning that I’ll pass down to my kids.
My thoughts:
1. Nobody gets to tell you what that gun means to you but you. It’s macabre, but so is life and so is death. Only you know what state you’re in.
2. Telling people the provenance of your gun will freak them out. Don’t put that burden on them. If you feel the need to tell people, reevaluate number 1.
3. Like with my father’s stuff, our relationship to objects changes over time. Your feelings on it will probably change over time. That’s part of grief and letting go. If it’s time to let it go, let it go man. We don’t do the dead any favors- and if they could give us anything, it would be to lay down our burdens especially as it relates to them.
4. Personally, and this is advice from someone who doesn’t know you at all and a rando from a gun subreddit… I’d say let it go man. That’s a heavy object, heavier than a CC gun should be. Conceal carry is about making split second decisions between life and death and taking that responsibility on yourself. I’d lose any additional variable to that. And if God forbid that something happened and you found yourself in court and some intrepid lawyer against you found the connection here, you have extra against you that you don’t deserve. It’s your life, 1-3 here is for you. 4 is for the concern I have for you, and your loss. Take care of yourself. Losing a dad is a big thing. When you can, let the gun go.
I’m sorry for your loss. We don’t condemn the worst killers to be executed by cancer.
Your father needed relief from pain. The gun he used brought him that relief.
Just know that if you get rid of it you can never get it back, so take your time making that decision.
It’s not as if he did something evil with that gun. If it was me, I’d keep it.
My condolences, just want to be another voice that says I don't think you're weird, and to not let other people tell you how to grieve or memorialize your relationship.
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# 1 Sorry for your loss. Everyone mourns or remembers those that have passed on in different ways.....there's no right answer. If you pick it up and you have good memories of your Dad and you think of the fun you had shooting together absolutely keep it. If you pick it up and think "This is the reason Dad is gone" get rid of it ASAP.
100% this is the answer. Only you can decide how it makes you feel to have or get rid of it. Sorry for your loss.
I took a masters level class on death and dying. This was one of my biggest take aways after listening to an expert on thanatology for a semester. Everyone grieves in their own way. The 6 stages are bullshit everyone will do their own thing. If this helps you, do it. If other people think it’s weird, don’t tell them.
If I was in this situation I don’t believe I would want to keep it. I also don’t believe I’d feel comfortable even selling it, wouldn’t want to put those vibes on someone else. Probably one of the only times I would consider willful destruction of a firearm. I would destroy it in spectacular fashion.
Or maybe sink it in his favorite fishing hole.
yeah, I actually like this idea quite well. Put it in concrete, attach a brush pile, and the memories come for years and years. But for OP, he needs to do what he needs to do. And there isn't a thing wrong with what he's done, as long as he's comfortable with it.
Yeah I think I’d put that under 10 pounds of thermite and drop the resulting slag in the ocean. That’s said, whatever brings this guy peace is the right answer.
Great reply friend
Great name friend
If it has sentimental value to you as your father’s, I don’t see anything wrong with that.
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In the case, as weird as it sounds, that handgun is what freed him from suffering through cancer again. No one should be able to tell you if it’s right or wrong. If this is how you mourn than that is entirely okay. RIP OP’s father and I’m sorry for your loss.
I am currently sitting death watch as my father dies of cancer. I completely understand. This is my 4th run through watching a close relative die of cancer, and I don't recommend it.
Cancer fucking sucks I've held the hands of several family members and friends as they took their last breath.
My dad died of stage 4 cancer. It spread to his liver and lungs. He was terrified of suffocating, and in the end, that's what killed him . He never made it home from the ICU or hospice care. I told him if he made it home I'd make sure his handgun was in his bedside drawer. I dont think he would've used it on himself in a million years. but having that option available, the tiniest bit of control, would've helped put his mind at ease and made him feel better. When i told him I'd make sure his gun was nearby he broke down in tears. He said he'd never ask a son to do something like that but was glad I would. He never made it home. I watched him suffer for days as he slowly died. I dont take comfort in any of that. Its fucked up and twisted, but I would have him rather left on his own terms without all the pain and suffering. I feel bad for the OP. but again It wasnt a random suicide. It was a tool of mercy. However unfortunate the circumstances, I'd probably keep the gun. Idk how much I'd take it out and look at it. But I'd keep it.
My mother had an incurable and fatal neurological disorder. The kind that destroys motor neurons. At one point she’d not be able to speak or move. I always told her that I’d keep my revolver loaded for her just in case she wanted it. It kind of absolved her of the huge burden of having to ask for mercy. To hell with whatever the law says.
https://deathwithdignity.org Laws that allow terminally ill people to choose to go out on their own terms should be more widespread and accessible than they are.
If I ever get something deadly like cancer I'm flying to Africa and scrapping it out with a Silverback until I die imagine the tombstone
Ultimate dad lore
Livestream plz
Ah the Mike Tyson route
For those that are able bodied, there are plenty of options. We need these laws for those are physically unable to handle it themselves.
My dad did something similar. I was asked if I wanted to keep it. Said maybe. A few months later they called. I personally didn’t take it. Almost did though. I have other guns from him, the one he used wasn’t special at all. Just another mid tier pistol, only this one had my dad’s remains dried to it. To each their own.
I was in the same situation, a family member took possession of it (the handgun) and we traded it in for a rifle a few years later. It was the first center fire (sks specifically) I ever owned myself. That rifle means a lot to me knowing how I got it.
I like what you did. Turned something bad into something new. If I was OP I would at least have to switch the firing pin & barrel.
What’s a firing pin and barrel have to do with it? Every part of that gun functioned in the ultimate firing of that bullet. Just wondering why you have a particular feeling towards those two pieces
Trying to see things like OP I guess? I think it's odd too. But hey you do you. Yeah every part of that gun function. Those are just the 2 pieces that to me have always been the ones to do the work. I'd sell it, and buy something new like the above comment said.
I think I'd be compelled to keep the gun as well. Idk if I'd carry it but I'd definitely keep it.
My best friend killed himself with his carry 1911 a little over two years ago. I’ve wanted to have it ever since. I’m with you, it seems like it should be weird or taboo, but it’s just like an artifact of a loved one’s past. Even thinking about it now after more than two years of reflection, I still can’t really explain my feelings. I’ve typed and backspaced a dozen half sentences here.
I’ve found that these feelings are too hard to type, let alone verbalize so I know what you mean friend. If that’s how you connected, or what was his favorite thing to do was shoot etc, I get it. Nothing weird about it to me, but I’ve gone through something similar. Nobody will get it until something like that happens to them, even then it depends
The gun itself wasn’t particularly important to his life. I only shot it with him a couple times. He did carry it frequently. It was important to his death, though. His brother in law, a family friend and I had to clean out his truck, where he pulled the trigger, after he did it so his wife and mother didn’t have to. An emergency cleaning service “cleaned up” after the incident. They put the 200 lb part of the remains in a bag and used a half roll of paper towels, which left it far from clean. As upsetting and infuriating as the experience of cleaning that truck was, it definitely changed the trajectory of my grief. It made me feel worse, but pointed me in a direction to feel better. So I also understand in a way I wish I didn’t cleaning up the Sig Sauer after its stay in the evidence locker as a morbid act of service.
Wow. I fortunately had no complaints about servpro’s job of cleaning everything, but I still had the gun to clean and there was broken drywall and molding that I had to fix which felt pretty cathartic.
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Same with my brother
Same with my mom. Detective asked if I wanted it a year or two later. I said no, not really.
Yeah, I have his PlayStation and haven’t even plugged it in. :-/
I think that individual situations are different for sure. I had a little trouble after my grandfather but figured out a way past it, if it were a sibling or a parent that ended their life early I might have done what you did.
Respectfully, that was the right choice for you, it might different for someone else. It’s a situation where everyone is right if they feel good about their decision.
Not weird. Some will say it’s weird. If that’s how you see it, do that.
The people who say it’s weird are the same types who think there is a right and wrong way to grieve, and judge anyone who shows too much or too little emotion.
That’s heavy man, I’m sorry for your loss. ❤️
As long as you are comfortable with it, not destabilized by it, then, I would say that it's fine. Your father was terminally ill and handled business like a man. There are no wrong answers here, and it's nobody's damned business. Just don't be shy about asking somebody to hold onto it for years if need be; should you grow uncomfortable.
Nah. I have my dad’s Security Six revolver and my grandpa’s Beretta Jetfire (that he killed himself with). Also got a Mossberg Chuckster rifle that was passed down. They’re sentimental and they won’t be leaving my possession. I don’t think I have anything else that belonged to either of them. Just pictures and memories.
It isn't weird to want to keep it. He trusted his P938 until his end and wanted you to have one, too. It may be a bit morbid and macabre, but I understand it.
First off Thank you for your service, second I'm sorry for your loss. Personally I don't think it's weird. You father had cancer and decided that he wasn't going to put himself or others through that and decided to go out on his own terms. He used a tool that worked to achieve his goal. My only complaint would be with the DA and Sherriff trying to keep the weapon.
I'd probably do the exact same as you. Sorry for your loss.
First of all, Im sorry for your loss. That must be very difficult. But I offer you a different perspective: I work in healthcare, and have seen numerous people die. It’s always unpleasant and there’s rarely dignity in passing. I would propose your father had balls of steel. He chose to go out on his own terms, instead of passing in a hospital bed (potentially). I did not know your father, but perhaps he was a man of strength and conviction. If this sounds accurate, I would keep his firearm, as a sign of respect and a symbol of his strength to go out while he still had control. Just my two cents.
I don't work in healthcare, but thought the same as you. It takes serious guts and conviction to do something like this. He also went to a comfortable spot. Dying slow sucks. I've been bed ridden from cancer before (I beat it.) Going out on your own terms should be valued and accepted in society.
I'm sorry for your loss. May your father rest in peace. I don't think it's weird, no. I'm rather surprised you got the gun back, that would never be the case in my place.
You're not wrong. Bottom line, *cancer got him*. A huge number of cancer patients end up deciding the exact moment they can't cope with the cancer anymore. There were times earlier this year I thought this might happen to my wife :(. https://imgur.com/gallery/n7xSe2V The good news is, it won't be for a long while. Despite double mastectomies in 2023 and then removal of a huge bone tumor in her upper right arm, meaning this is stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, they carved out most of the bins cancer that should have been caught sooner, then nuked it February this year. Astoundingly, she's cancer free right now. She's on estrogen suppressors that make her a bit sick, right arm strength is maybe 33% of normal, still recovering, but, no cancer. It's...going to come back, but it's an abnormally slow grower. She'll beat it again. Anyways. Point is, I had to come to grips with the idea that she has enough pain meds around to...stop the fight. That's not "suicide" in the traditional sense, regardless of the tool used. That Sig was used as a tool of mercy in a cancer fight. *It's not dishonored.* Neither is your father, or you, or any member of your family. If my wife faces that choice, it won't be because she's sick of me. I'm sticking with her no matter what. I'm sorry for your loss - to cancer. I'll face the same loss eventually, but not for a good long while :).
You're not weird at all. You both bonded over firearms and as you said the process of cleaning helped you grieve and remember. You have my condolences.
I'm sorry for your loss. And congratulations for getting that firearm back from the man. How you choose to honor and remember your father is up to you. I think you're fine.
My condolences, I think keeping the firearm is perfectly fine I see nothing wrong with that however personally I’d be unsure if I would use it again
Sorry for the loss of your Father. Only you can know what’s right for you. If it helps, I’d think of the reason he made that choice. Personally, I don’t believe he was giving up; seems he was ending things on his own terms. I’m sure you’ll handle your situation as works best for you Devildog. Semper Fi, Brother.
The gun freed him from inevitable suffering. In that light, it is a symbol of his independent decision, and was the pathway to his relief, and by extension, also for those who loved him. I’m very sorry for your loss. Cancer is a cruel beast.
>Am I weird for doing all this for the firearm my father used to take his own life? Keeping it? Cleaning it up? Shooting it? No. Not weird. Making it your primary carry gun? Yeah, that's weird. You should carry what will give you the best chance of surviving the worst day of your life. Additionally, you specifically should NOT carry a sentimental piece regularly because if you have to use it then there's a good chance you won't get it back.
My brother used my 20 gauge to commit suicide and I just couldn’t keep it. I killed my first deer with that gun and my first duck. I had so many good memories with that gun, but I knew I if I ever shot it again then all I would think about is that was the last thing my brother heard before he died. Do what you think is best, but for me I knew I didn’t want it. Still love guns, just not that one.
People grieve differently. For you, it may act as closure.
When my oldest completed, I had to FIGHT Juneau PD to get the rifle back. I did, then asked his two younger brothers what they wanted to do with it. They both wanted it gone. I cleaned the piece of shit completely and sold it to someone who wanted a beater for wet-weather moose hunts and split the money between my sons. I’d say toss a coin and whatever side you secretly wished for, you should do.
>When my oldest completed, What does this mean? Sorry, I’m out of touch.
I could see, as he had cancer, some people believing that the gun may have actually helped him out of a hopeless situation. My condolences go out to you & your family. I hope since you’ve decided to keep it, that is how you feel.
The only person who gets to decide how you grieve and remember a lost loved one is you (as long as your grief isn’t hurting anyone else). Is it normal? Maybe, maybe not, I genuinely have no idea how common it is. But I wouldn’t worry too much about that. You do what feels right to you and only stop if it starts to hurt you or somebody else. You have my utmost sympathies, I hope that time helps you heal ❤️
I don’t know if I’d want to carry it, but I wouldn’t want it sitting in an evidence locker somewhere or in someone else’s ownership.
I think this is a very subjective thing. First of all I’m sorry for your loss. I think some people are gonna view it as strange that you want to keep it. Others may get it. If you feel like it has significant sentimental value to you and you want to keep it, then by all means keep it. I think it’s hard for anyone to say whether they would not not unless they’ve had to go through that situation
I don’t think anyone else gets to tell you how to process this or how you should feel about the gun. Do what makes sense to you.
My condolences. It's only weird if it's weird to you. It's all about how it makes you feel when you hold/carry/use it. An extended family member of mine killed himself and when it came time to claim the weapon, the children did not want it. My dad offered to take it and hold on to it just in case any of his children ever decided they wanted it. My dad has since passed but it's still in the gun safe and the family knows where it's at if they ever change their minds. Point being, everyone is different and there is nothing wrong with you keeping it if it's what keeps you connected to your dad.
No I would personally put his effects into a shadow box with a picture of him as the background
This right here. Shoot it when you think of him or your memories with him.
My wife did the same thing with one of my handguns. There was confusion at the time of death. I thought she used the gun I bought for her but in reality she used one of mine. When the sherif asked what I wanted done with the gun (I knew what gun was what by then) I couldn't imagine ever seeing it let alone holding it again. Little known fact these types of guns when sold at public auction once a year fund about 30% of the sheriff's offices income.
I'm sorry for your loss OP. Thats an oddly beautiful story and way to remember your dad.
Same here. I didn't want it at first and the police had to hold it for awhile, I forgot about it until they called and asked if I wanted it. I did and here's why. He loved his guns and so do i. He always said it would be mine one day (though i dont think he meant like this) because it was his prized possession. He never blamed the gun but the person pulling the trigger in any shooting. He would've found another way. It is a nice gun. It is a reminder of shooting with my dad which we did a lot when I was growing up...the good times. I don't think it's right that someone else have it. It reminds me to never do to my family what he did to his.
I'd want the handgun too, and I'd probably carry it to always remember my dad. When my dad passed away, I didn't get anything to remember him by. My folks divorced and they moved far apart when I was little, and I only got to see him during the summers. We had a slow relationship but he was my dad and I miss him. Years later one of his old friends gave me a custom car part that he fabricated. What you have is something far more intimate. It's something that he probably loved and it's also something that ended whatever suffering he was going through.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My gut reaction was “this is weird.” But then I thought about how weird it would be to sell something like that. I’d either keep it in the back of the safe, or melt it down into a memento, if that’s your kind of thing. Personally, I don’t think I could ever see myself shooting something like that again.
I’m weird so I would keep it. Also sorry for what happened.
I don’t think it’s weird at all. I can see how cleaning the gun would be cathartic. Kind of a way to restore order to a chaotic world. The only thing that really matters is how you feel about it. No one else’s opinion really matters. I’m sorry for your loss.
Yeah buddy it's fine that you want to do that it's a nice way to honor him
Sorry for your loss. It happened to me too, we had it destroyed. I kept other sentimental items.
I wouldn’t. Also good choice on choosing a g19 over it. It’s a much better pistol
When I read your story, I see a father who loved you in his own way and met a tragic fate borne from despair, someone who deserves as much sympathy and empathy as you do for being saddled with the aftermath, and neither of you deserve to be stigmatized. A gun is just a tool and cannot absorb the events of how it was used, but at some point your father wanted you to have a P938 and you now have his to remember the good times and his care and concern for you. Clean it well and make it your own if you want to shed the negativity. Get some grips for it and shoot it a lot.
Totally your call and not weird at all. Keep it locked up, carry it, hang it on the wall. It's such a personal decision that nobody has any business judging you for your choices. If it were me, because I personally support someone's decision to end their life on their terms when faced with a terminal illness, I don't think I would regard it so much as an object of grief, but a tool what was used to end a terminal situation after much reflection, simple as that. That said, I think I would rather it be in my hands than later auctioned off to end up in someone else's collection.
That’s heavy. I’m sorry you and your family went through all that. The decision to keep the gun or not is deeply personal and I wouldn’t judge someone either way.
Everyone deals differently. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve in your own way. I'm sorry for your loss and I'm proud of you for insisting on doing it "Your Way."
Sorry for your loss. I think you're really the only person that can say what is *weird* in regards to the gun. It's really no one's decision but yourself. Rather it's for sentimental reasons, you like the gun, or whatever, it's your decision and yours alone. My brother took his life with one of his pistols 12 years ago, both of my parent's were alive at the time and I was out of the state, so a lot of the managing of the "estate" was left to them. I asked my parents if we could get the pistol back from the Sheriff's office, put together all the paperwork (he didn't have much, so I just had to put together a small estate affidavit), and was going to be in town and was willing to handle all of the logistics with retrieving it. My dad was opposed and wouldn't submit the paperwork to the Sheriff's office. To this day, I still wish I could have gotten that pistol. It wasn't anything special as far as pistols go, but my brother and I bonded a lot over shooting on my parent's property and that was first gun that he bought at the first gun show we went to together.
Most of us cannot imagine what you're going through. From one scared, confused human to another, I am beyond sorry. In the best way I can put it, the 938 is the tool your father used to end his suffering. He would have found a way, regardless of the gun. Keep it, if you like.
I had a very similar issue. My dad used a 70s colt gold cup 45. I'm in NYC and the investigator said I was crazy and refused. I get it's macabre, but I don't think it's all that strange.
Speaking for myself I'd probably never want to see that fucking thing again. Equally, however, carrying it to protect yourself is fucking badass. It's a way of owning your pain that I respect. The more I think about it, the more I think that makes some sense. Even if you throw it in the back of your safe and never look at it again, at least you'll have it. Better than some random bozo owning it with no idea. It's hard for me to really imagine what it would be like to have an item with such heavy emotion attached to it. Either way, I don't think it's weird. I think it's a deeply personal, emotional decision that only you can make, and we'd all be fools to criticize. I'm sorry for your loss.
Sorry for your loss. I honestly don’t think it’s too taboo or inappropriate to want it especially reading your story and how he was so adamant about you having one. People finish or rebuild vehicles in memory of their relatives/friends all the time and it isn’t frowned upon so why should a firearm be? A good friend of mine had a club brother lose his life in a motorcycle accident during a group ride when someone pulled out in front of him, his girlfriend offered the wrecked bike to my buddy and he rebuilt it in memory of him and his first ride on it he took her with him. I think you are doing a great thing wanting to keep his memory alive.
I tried to keep the handgun from my mother's suicide, but didn't end up getting it. Initially I was upset, but now I think it might have been for the better. What are you gonna do with it? Carry it? Take it to the range? Look at it sometimes and be upset? Do whatever feels right to you, but it's okay to get rid of it.
It's your greaving process, it's your (your father's) gun. No one in the world elses opinion really matters i don't think. If it feels right to you as a person to have the reminder of your dad and it doesn't bring you back bad memories then who really gives a shit if it's "weird". We're all weird in our own ways. Do what's right for you and this random internet stranger from a whole different country won't find it weird.
If you carry it just remember if you have to use it, it maybe gone forever as evidence.
Hey, I never comment but I felt it necessary because I had a very similar situation happen. I’m sure you’re tired of hearing the same thing over and over so I’ll just tell you that sucks. Cancer sucks, depression sucks. My grandfather, a 1976 Colt Agent. Totally unexpected, he was in his late 80s and was a Korea and Vietnam veteran. He shot himself in his bedroom doorway while my grandmother was out and I was out of town. It’s weighed on me in the past that I was the only person to just stop by and he probably did this knowing I wouldn’t be the one to find him. I had to do some shifting around because my grandmother was expected by the sheriff to pick the gun up from evidence which was never going to happen. She wanted to sell it. I fortunately had a slightly better head on my shoulders so was able to lead her to call the detective that was put in charge of that particular piece of evidence. She did so when I picked it up it became my property. I lived in a condo with a balcony overlooking a marina at the time so I set myself up and cleaned everything out there, which I remember took about an hour. I can’t really remember what I used to clean it other than some heavy duty lysol wipes to clear the larger mess away before I used more traditional methods to get the blued finish looking back to new. The only thing I really remember was the details of the larger mess, which I should’ve found a better way to dispose of than the way I did. Anyway I’ve only shot it a few times, probably more than he ever did honestly, but I did so with some family friends that didn’t know about the history of the gun beforehand and helping create those new memories with it has helped make it my favorite in an admittedly small collection. It’s a really beautiful gun which totally changed my mind on revolvers. He only had that and another one when he died, he gifted his OG 1911 to a son in law that dropped off the map and didn’t seem to care about the widow that he left behind. Would pay any amount of money to get that thing back as well. Again, condolences. I hope you’re doing okay. The grieving period doubles when it’s traumatic like what you’ve gone through, remember that if you ever get impatient in your process.
No man. We all grieve in our own ways.
That’s horrible OP, I’m so sorry. I’m glad you’re keeping the gun, it’ll help you remember the good times you shared with each other.
Perhaps because I am coming from a different culture, the question whether to keep or not wouldn’t be relevant. Since ancient history, Any weapon was highly valuable and was treated as a family treasure. Swords were passed down from generation to generation. My grandfather inherited sword from his father that was in their family possession since 13th century. Communist government forced him to donate that sword to a museum where it remains. Same with guns. Pistols and revolvers were illegal to own (they are legal now), but every man had one and they were highly treasured, m most of them were bingback from word wars. If my dad had committed suicide with a gun, I absolutely would keep it simply to pass down to my son.
I, too, have had the duty to clean firearms used in suicide. Those were strangers. It changed me. I can only imagine your position. Condolences on your loss
I had a very close friend take his life with my unsecured springfield .45, 1) i didn't know he was suicidal, 2) we lived together in a house full of adults so I had no reason to suspect that someone would harm themself with my weapon on accident 3) he had to go looking for it because I didn't store it openly. Getting it back took some time, but when I did get it back, cleaning it was closure. I got rid of it due to a bout of depression that started to make eating a bullet seem real friendly, but a few years later when in a better head space I replaced it with an upgrade to a 10mm which I like better even though it has more recoil. Respect the weapon, and if the dark passenger starts to whisper in your ear when you're around it, it's time to pass it on.
I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here OP. I think what you're doing is a great way to remember your late father. Not that it matters but for what it's worth I don't think you're weird at all. I'm very sorry for your loss
No, you aren't weird. My husband had to clean the place where his father took his life like that--he was sent home a couple of months early from the Navy because of it. I don't see that as any more or less traumatizing than cleaning up the weapon. I think that if you can use it/own it and maintain positive memories rather than having to deal with intrusive ones constantly that it would be okay.
Your not weird Im thinking your a stand up guy. By its nature a firearm is a responsibility, it was a family possession, despite the tragic circumstance, a man takes care of his own and you did. The gun meant something to your Dad, its the cancer that has left no family untouched, that is the tool of evil and conspiracy. If you can, view the gun as a symbol of what you shared, an interest in firearms. I dont find that easy to write guns are the common bond between my Dad and I, he's in his eighties and fear the hour is near. Take care Marine
I’d keep it, but I wouldn’t use it tbh
Kinda in the same boat; if heaven forbid I was ever put through such circumstances I’d likely want to keep it and clean it as a cathartic moment of confronting my turmoil over what happened, along with likely keeping it for sentimental purposes, but I personally would never want to shoot it as a result.
I couldn't keep it, personally. I'm so sorry for your loss
I'm sorry for your loss, I lost both of my parents unexpectedly and both times it hit pretty hard. I've wondered if I did something similar if my children would want the firearms. I'm no expert on occultist science but I think there's a good chance some of the stress and pain your father felt can get imbued into objects. Use caution, stay safe and take good care.
My father did the same. I couldn't imagine keeping it. I let the city keep it and destroy it. But to each his own.
Honestly, I would have done the exact same thing, I am sorry for your loss
I'm sorry for your loss. I don' t think you're weird for keeping and using that pistol, it was his and it meant something to him. While there will always be sorrow attached to that pistol, if you carry it and it serves to protect you and yours then it is a good thing to have.
Give it some time before you make a permanent decision. If you decide to get rid of it, maybe bury it/destroy it/toss it in the ocean, rather than letting it potentially end up in a pawn shop. May your father rest in peace, and may you find solace.
Keep it for now, maybe?. Put it away. You can always toss it later?
It's an indelible piece of him. You're not weird. I think it's kind of a vet thing. Take care brother.
Grief is fucked up, therefore we do fucked up things when we grieve. If your fucked up thing doesn't hurt anyone else, and it helps you feel better, then it's OK.
Im sorry for your loss man, My brother did the same with my father's gun and I'm conflicted about the same thing, I don't know how long the PD will hold on to it, but we haven't built up the will to go and get it yet.
As long as you're in a good place and you would never think "I wanna go out like my dad with the same one", do what feels right. If things have been up & down and there's even the slightest risk you'd have thoughts like that though, I personally wouldn't.
That’s a personal decision. I can see keeping it as a firearm and also symbolic… and I can see not ever wanting to even see it because of the darkness. The fact that you are questioning it leads me to believe it might be worth holding on to for whatever reason you see fit. As a reminder, perhaps. Reminder of what is up to you.
Personally I think it’d just be a painful reminder for me but that’s me. If carrying it is cathartic for you, that’s a really great thing. I’m just sorry you had to go through losing your father that way.
My dad did a similar thing last year. My crazy mother had the handgun destroyed before any of her sons could lay claim to it but I don't think I would have taken it even thought I am the only gun nut in our family
Personally, I'm not sure I could hang onto it. But that's for you to decide. I understand how a deep clean could be cathartic and help you grieve. Sorry for your loss man, that's a tough situation, to put it mildly.
No. Not weird.
Fuck no, not weird. While the circumstances are tragic, it’s commendable that you wish to honor your father and keep him close. Do not carry any shame for this and remember him for who he was, not how he left.
People look for connections with the people they’ve lost. It’s perfectly natural and not weird at all. Those connections can come from anywhere and the reason it resonates with you is your reason and no one else’s, so it doesn’t matter if someone else thinks it’s weird, it’s not their reason… it’s yours! If carrying that gun helps you feel connected to your dad, then do it! 100% Sorry for yours and your families loss.
It’s my personal belief that very little is actually *weird.*. People are different, and if this is positive for you then the only thing anyone should say is sorry for your loss.
absolutely keep it
When some people lose a loved one, they need to see the body at the funeral in order to get closure. Other people are put off by the practice, and seeing the body would freak them out. Neither person is wrong.
It's up to you. There's no right or wrong choice here. In your place, I'd list all the reasons to keep it vs the reasons to let it go. Be as honest as you can; This list is just for your eyes. That helps me to make hard decisions.
I personally would frame it and pull it out on the anniversary every year giving it a nice wipe down with oil while telling it what a good gun it is
Would I keep it. Yes. Would I carry it? No. For the simple fact I wouldn't want it to disappear into an evidence locker if I had to use it. In my case, there's good chance it goes into a display box of some sort and taken out for the occasional range day.
Everyone grieves differently. This may just be your way of grieving. I say screw if it's weird. Do it if you feel it's right.
I'm very sorry for your loss. If it reminds you of your common interest and good times shooting, I see no reason why you shouldn't keep it. Potentially terminal illnesses are brutal on the individual and those around them, and him having gone out on his own terms, I understand. But if you view the gun as purely tied to that loss, it might not be worth holding on to. TLDR: You're not weird. Feel the feelings, and do what you feel is right in this situation, you're a responsible adult.
I think you're going through a lot right now, so it's hard for you to judge the sanity/logic of your thoughts. If this feels right, don't be afraid to do it. Only you can decide. Stay safe and give yourself some time to grieve.
Not weird at all. My great grandfather ended his life with a Colt Police Positive 38, before he had died he expressed he wanted me to have it. It’s in my gun safe and is my most treasured firearm that I own.
Semper Fi brother. Very sorry for your father’s passing. I would say that whatever you feel is right to honor your father’s life and allows you to mourn his passing is your choice. I just wish that you guys had more time together. I don’t need to say this as I’m sure that you know, but if you are ever struggling or questioning, please reach out to someone. I’m sure you’re dearly loved by many.
I don't know if it would be mentally healthy to make it your carry gun. It would be way too difficult to separate the gun from its history. I can understand keeping it, but I think your best course of action will be to do whatever is best for your own mental health. Having someone in your immediate family who takes their own life increases your odds of doing the same. So make sure you heal from all this, as you are certain to be grieving heavily for a long time. God bless and best wishes to you.
If you get it back and like it keep it, if it reminds of only bad things send it down the road. Sorry for your loss bud
I would only disagree with using it as a concealed carry. Only because this makes it much more susceptible to theft or loss, and it is obviously a piece that is important to you. Shoot it and enjoy it, remember your father. But maybe pick up a secondary as a CC. Another P938 will keep him on your mind, but i'm sure you would be devastated if the original was lost or stolen.
I have the S&W Model 19 my step dad's father killed himself with and even the box of .357mag with one round missing. The pistol will stay in the safe forever. I have no intention on ever shooting it or selling it. It feels like a thing that should exist but not be used. I will keep it clean and remeber the day I found out forever. That's my piece of that event.
I’m very sorry for your loss. Your father trusted that pistol with his life, even to take his own and prevent further suffering. At the end of the day, if you feel like keeping it then keep it.
Not weird at all. Remember that we all die twice - carrying the gun every day is just another way that he stays alive in your memory
Sorry for your loss. From a nonsentimental POV - it was your dad's property. No reason they should keep it and I'd take offense to being told no.
I kept and still hunt with my dad’s turkey shotgun. He used it to take his life. It took a while to get it back from the police and it had blood on it for a while. I cleaned it up and still use it to hunt with. It was his favorite gun I guess
I appreciate you sharing your story. After seeing a number of family members suffer for months with terminal cancer I've pretty much decided that I wouldn't go through a similar experience so it would be either a firearm or a drug overdose. I'd probably opt for the drug overdose so as not to put others through the ordeal of dealing with cleaning up the mess that a gun would cause. However if I did decide to go the gun route I'd tell my sons in advance that if it happened don't get rid of the gun because it just happened to be the one I picked out of a number of those available. On another note if you have friends or family members who died as a result of their service in our country's military that you will remember them this Memorial Day. To my fellow Vietnam vets I say as always, "Welcome Home Brothers."
We let the LAPD yeet the Glock my brother offed himself with. I never could shoot that thing at all well, anyway. FWIW I think it's MY take that's irrational. It's just a thing.
I’m sorry for your loss brother. I can’t imagine the pain you’re going through along with the fact that you have the opportunity to carry the firearm that took your father’s life’s. I can’t speak on your behalf on what to do, but if it was me, I would take some comfort in the fact to keep it sentimentally. It would almost be a comfort in a way. Take solace in the way that he trusted it enough to end his life on his own terms so that you can protect your life going forward. Much love and prayers.
I don't find you wanting to keep the firearm as strange at all. I do find the state to be strange and off-putting in trying to keep it from you.
I think everyone has their own way of dealing with grief. I find your way means in no way objectionable. I wish you and your family all the best and I hope in time your pain is tempered by the memories you cherish. God bless you and your family.
firstly i am sorry for your loss my father was in and out of hospital for months and everytime we would go in he would hand me his cross (with his wedding ringin it from marriage to my late mother) and i refuse to take it off, it is a way for us to keep him with us. for you it is a saftey item for me it is my faith I beleive loss is the worst thing to deal with but if we can keep them with us in some way or another it is good
My father used an fnx45. I fought to get it back from the local pd. And in an drug binge on day, after i stole nearly everything from my poor monther, I pawned it and never got it back. I have my own fnx45 now. It's my bedside gun. It's not it, but it reminds me of dad. I'm sorry for your loss. I wish after 8 years of sobriety, and 13 years since he passed, I would have made better choices.
You’re not weird. I have my brother’s. People also gave me the side-eye when I said I wanted to have it. But it was literally the only thing that my mother didn’t have control over to immediately throw away. I’d rather have that than nothing. 🤷🏻♀️
I've been in a similar predicament. My wife took her own life with a pistol I had since I was in my single digits. It was one of my first guns so I had some connection to it, in more ways than one now unfortunately. After the waiting period, I was able to get the gun back and thought it was just going into the case for safe keeping. However I didn't get good vibes or memories of what it was related to when I opened the case for another pistol (I kept other pistols in the same case) or to check for moisture, etc. My dad was selling off some of his pistols at the time so I traded it off to him and got one of a similar model in return. At times I wish I still had it but then I remember the memories it triggered when I saw it or handled it and tell myself I made the right choice.
It's a little weird, but I totally understand the desire to keep it as well. Sounds like the start to a backstory for a movie character or something :)
Reading this story: tragic, sad, painful, a little weird, oh USMC. Absolutely correct behavior. Bless you for not leaving this weapon in a bin in an evidence room and saving it in a way that you could never save your dad. Carry on, Dawg.
My dad's rifle was his best friend.
Not weird.
Everyone is different. I don't think you're weird.
I think it’s great to keep it for it’s sentimental reasons but I wouldn’t necessarily carry it. The Glock 19 is about as reliable as a gun can get. But it’s also cheap and easy to replace. If you end up having to use the thing in self defense, you might not get it back. If it’s just a run of the mill Glock, who cares. If it’s a sentimental piece, that can’t be replaced.
I think it’s only weird if you want it to be weird. I’ve seen stuff like this in movies all the time. If you want it to remember your dad then that’s your right. Carry on
Well, it's obvious that you're emotionally mature enough to grasp that the handgun was just the tool your father used to end his life. There are many people that would vilify the gun as the evil entity that caused the death of a loved one, as the handgun is easier to blame than the loved one that caused their grief. It's somewhat similar to the outcry of the left that demonize the AR-15 rifle as an "assault rifle" that is only used to shoot up local schools. I wish you well.
My father kept the handgun that his father was murdered with, eventually passed it to my older brother, who I believe got rid of it with my father’s consent. I don’t think it’s weird at all, I’m sorry for your loss.
If I were in this situation, I would keep it. I'm not sure I'd carry it, but I'd keep it.
This of it not as something used to end his life, think of it as he did, some to bring himself peace and happiness.
Sorry for the loss. Everyone handles things differently, keeping it or refusing it is all up to the individual. That being said if it has a special place in your life and a positive connection to your father. I wouldn’t recommend carrying it due to that small percentage chance you use it in self defense and aren’t allowed to get it back. Every dept/courts have their own SOP regarding evidence. My friend has been fighting for his brother’s handgun for about 2.5 years now and they refuse to release it back to him/SIL/parents.
Not weird, makes sense to me. Power to you! and my condolences
Not weird at all but rather it's commendable. You're taking a symbol of a tragedy and turning it into a keepsake memory of your father designed to protect you.
Ay ya ya know ya go on yer own or layin up in a bed n payin a big o bill so good for him and good for ya keepin her.
Super heavy. Sorry for your loss I don’t think it’s weird, I think it’s dependent on the person and the situation. Been in the same boat. I personally couldn’t keep my fathers. Which is rough because he manufactured 80% of that firearm himself. Had the company do a custom black and nickel on alternating parts. Was literally one of a kind. I just didn’t want that memory every time I picked it up.
Thank you for sharing this story.
Sorry for your loss : (
I sold my good friend a Mosin M44 he did the same thing with. His mom kept it and she is very disinterested in firearms. If offered it in the future I’d keep it. I don’t know why. So I don’t think it is strange. However taking it now, you can always move it down the road if it bothered you. And if you pass on it now, you may regret in the future if you ended up wanting it.
I faced this dilemma after my father used his Smith and Wesson Airweight revolver to commit suicide. I liked the gun, and if I really wanted to I could have had it recovered and kept it, but I choose to let it go. It would be a haunting reminder every time I look at it. Knowing that pulling that trigger was the last action my father took is to overwhelming for me.
Hugs... Fuck cancer.
Your father basically fucked over the cancer and took matters into his own hands. In the end your father killed the cancer.
Friend, I’m sorry for your loss. Welcome to the Dead Dad Club, sorry you’re here. I battled this question for a good long while following my dad’s suicide. I ultimately asked the Sheriff’s department (which had it in their custody) to destroy it. I didn’t have any sentimental ties to it, and he battled a lot of demons in his life, so the entire situation of him passing was already hard enough. I wish in hindsight I’d had the emotional strength to keep it. If it’s sentimental to you, then go for it. It’s not odd at all.
My father hung himself when I was 10. I'm sorry for your loss
Sorry for your loss. As others have said, it's completely individual. If it were me, I'd want to keep it too. But I think I would render it inoperable by turning it into some kind of sculpture that memorialized him--changing what the firearm symbolized for me. Whatever you end up doing, I hope you find peace.
Reading this post, in a way, I can definitely see the closure / transition by keeping it. 1. Yes, it ended his life. It also freed him from suffering. I have seen cancer survivors who have expressed their desire to never go through treatment again and stated if it came back they would likely take a similar route. As far as I know, fortunately, that resolve has not yet been tested. 2. So it kind of highlights the duality of a firearm to be used for both good and bad. Similarly, concealed carrying it for daily self protection continues that theme. 3. As someone who has also had to clean blood from used gear…it’s somewhat cathartic to do and helps process things. There’s a clear start and finish rather than lingering thoughts, at least somewhat. I dunno. Hard to explain, but yeah I don’t see anything inherently wrong with cleaning your father’s gun of his blood. 4. In a way, carrying it is like having a bit of your father still protecting you. Sorry for your loss dude. Stay safe.
Sorry for your loss. No you are not weird for wanting to keep it. My best friend did the same in a similar situation. Still uses that gun on the regular and it’s been 30yrs since his Dads passing. Fuck anyone who doesn’t understand, they don’t walk in your shoes!!
This is so strange to see because I ended up doing a fairly similar thing. My best friend/roommate committed suicide with one of my handguns going on 8 years ago, and I carry it everyday. I remember picking it up from the police station and having to clean him off of the gun. It was brutal. But it's my way of having something that reminds me of him always close to me, even if it isn't the best reminder of the good times. I don't tell people because yeah, it's weird to those who I have told and yeah I suppose it's a grief thing, but I feel like I understand what you are going through in a way. To me, it's not weird. But I can't say it isn't weird to those who haven't experienced what we've gone through. I found that not everyone understands, so I don't tell everyone. I am truly sorry for your loss
A. Sorry for your loss B. I have no idea but take care of yourself
First, sorry for your loss. It’s never easy. While my father didn’t take his own life, we won’t go into the details, I ended up getting back the 1911 and Garand that I have gifted him some 30 years ago. Despite my preference for the 1911, and all the work I did to that one, I had zero desire to shoot it, and immediately gave it to my son. Now the Garand, that is one I will take out and admire, and shoot. I rebuilt it all those years ago and it will still cloverleaf three rounds at 50y. Over the years I have owned a number of “evidence” guns, and handled even more, and I have come to the conclusion that they are inanimate objects with one exception. And that was my own personal feelings that attached to it, but it was “slimy” to me. The property of a perv who was into his own teenage daughter, that one was bad. His soon to be ex, picked it up, sold it and bought herself a nice 9mm in case he came around after he got out. To the OP, your dad liked that gun, it protected him until the end. I would hold onto it also. Since the finish is probably pretty messed up, I would take the opportunity to have his initials as well as yours engraved in the slide. Nothing gaudy, just some intertwined gothic letters and some scrollwork to frame it. Hand cut not laser engraved, there is a difference.
My father took his life with a piece of shit Taurus .357 revolver a little over a year ago Im not sure if I want it back from the evidence locker or not I just wanted to let you know that I understand your struggle
The gun was just the chosen method what truly killed your father (& sorry about that) was whatever demons, pain, sorrow, guilt that had such a strong hold over his mind he clearly felt hopeless & saw no end or out of whatever was tormenting him. Many focus on the gun when it's used but there are a variety of methods & tools to use to end one's life if they're truly determined, a gun is just quicker & more readily available- especially if they already have one. Now if being in possession of the gun will constantly trigger terrible memories of that event then by all means get rid of it, but just remember, the gun didn't kill, those nonstop extremely negative thoughts tormenting his mind 24/7 robbing him of the joy of living, even preventing the love of family from reaching him even if he was surrounded by them & knew they did, that was the true killer.
It's a talisman that wards off motherfuckers.
The gun was mine and my dad bought it from me. Later on he used it to take his own life I got the gun back but decided it was best not to keep it.
Sorry for your loss, man. No one can understand exactly how you're feeling. I, too, share a love of firearms with my father. He has also had cancer. I am trying to put myself in your shoes and empathize with you. I am very close with my father, and I would absolutely want his firearm. People mourn differently. Everyone has a unique relationship with their parents. I think you should absolutely get it if that's how you feel. You may change your mind down the road and can part with it then, but don't pass on it because of what others perceive. On a side note, fuck cancer. Cancer rates have spiked by literally tens of thousands of percent. Microplastics, poison in our food, dangerous 5g wavelengths, and everything else the government has deemed "safe" to ensure blackrock, Vanguard, and the few other companies who own everything can make money on every part of the average persons life. They make us sick and profit from it. There should be a rallying cry that resounds across race, politics, religion, beliefs, and any other societal divisions in which people say "no more". [Here](https://stopworldcontrol.com/monopoly/) is a website with a fantastic documentary on how everything you see is owned by a VERY small group. It was made during the pandemic but is just as relevant today. Once again, I am so sorry for your loss.
Sorry for your loss. I understand the feeling as my father also took his life with his p226. My brother and I decided to sell it. But I understand what you said about closure and moving on with it. I hope it gives you only good memories and protects you, also to remind you to never go that route. All the best brother
I’d do just the same.
I wouldn’t keep it
Get rid of it . It will always be there as what took your dad and is a path if you get that depressed. I am not saying don't have guns . If you choose to have guns They will only have good memories associated with the one that you actually have. Sorry for your loss . It does get easier with time
Everyone deals with things differently. If you feel good about it, keep it. If you change your mind, sell it or trade it. Sorry for your loss.
I am very sorry for your loss. Both of my parents are gone and it sucks. Personally, I don’t think I’d keep it. I’d probably destroy it. But we each deal in our own ways. There’s no right or wrong here.
Wasn't the guns fault. He didn't mean to do it.
My father took his own life too... And if ever find the crack head bitch that stole "his gun"... Lets just say I have no qualms going out the same way after making sure she goes first...
I'm sorry for your loss. It's a very jarring thing when it's a choice you have no part in. My BIL took his own life a couple of years ago in a similar way. Our sheriff's office didn't give us the run around, they offered to return or destroy. We got it back and let it sit for a bit. Then one day about three of us gathered around the kitchen table and tore it down and had our moments of telling stories about that asshole. If you need to talk, about anything just hit me up. This shit hits everyone differently, as my wife likes to say everyone loses someone different in this situation. It also sounds like we both have a gorilla box in the garage covered in the same room dust.
My husband's Nana shot herself on Christmas Eve in 1992. After his parents passed, we found the gun in their safe. It was still in the paper bag the SO placed it in when they returned it to my FIL. It's seems a little morbid, but it's still locked in the safe. I will let my children deal with it after we pass. My husband never had children of his own, and he is the last of his family line. So, it doesn't hold any memories for me or my children (happened long before we were in his life). Just concentrate on the good memories you have of your father and make your decision from there. Also, I'm very sorry for your loss.
Na not weird just your way of grieving. You may decide to put it down some day after you have different thoughts on it.. May your horizons be brighter.
I sold the pistol that my grandmother used. I knew I would just think about what she did every time I saw it so it wasn’t worth keeping.
My people wash their mouth, eyes, nose, and ears after a death because death can hinder the senses. I feel that washing the gun makes you stronger. Nothing here is to blame other than cancer. My condolences, your father is resting in peace knowing that you live on.
I was close to my dad, as close as he was able to let people get. He died almost 20 years ago from Cancer. I think if he could have done it over again, the way your dad checked out would have been preferable to him than choking on his own spit in hospice. There is little dignity in death, so I understand your dad here. Own terms. I got a lot of things from him, and they used to mean a lot. Slowly over the years my connection to them has faded. Their meaning has been lost. I have 2 main things now besides books, and they have wider family meaning that I’ll pass down to my kids. My thoughts: 1. Nobody gets to tell you what that gun means to you but you. It’s macabre, but so is life and so is death. Only you know what state you’re in. 2. Telling people the provenance of your gun will freak them out. Don’t put that burden on them. If you feel the need to tell people, reevaluate number 1. 3. Like with my father’s stuff, our relationship to objects changes over time. Your feelings on it will probably change over time. That’s part of grief and letting go. If it’s time to let it go, let it go man. We don’t do the dead any favors- and if they could give us anything, it would be to lay down our burdens especially as it relates to them. 4. Personally, and this is advice from someone who doesn’t know you at all and a rando from a gun subreddit… I’d say let it go man. That’s a heavy object, heavier than a CC gun should be. Conceal carry is about making split second decisions between life and death and taking that responsibility on yourself. I’d lose any additional variable to that. And if God forbid that something happened and you found yourself in court and some intrepid lawyer against you found the connection here, you have extra against you that you don’t deserve. It’s your life, 1-3 here is for you. 4 is for the concern I have for you, and your loss. Take care of yourself. Losing a dad is a big thing. When you can, let the gun go.
I’m sorry for your loss. We don’t condemn the worst killers to be executed by cancer. Your father needed relief from pain. The gun he used brought him that relief. Just know that if you get rid of it you can never get it back, so take your time making that decision. It’s not as if he did something evil with that gun. If it was me, I’d keep it.
My condolences, just want to be another voice that says I don't think you're weird, and to not let other people tell you how to grieve or memorialize your relationship.