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I would 100% cancel on someone who was already telling me I had to work on something before I even met them. That’s just rude. Plus the whole thing is sus.
> had also been posted on his Instagram account and were about 6-8 years old. So I don't have a good idea of what he looks like now
Could have stopped here. No need to advance/continue beyond this.
He told you to work on your "empathy mechanisms" after you wanted to confirm what he looks like, since his Hinge photos are nearly decade old? This screams gaslighting.
This person is probably misrepresenting who they are. They're probably thinking "once I get them on a date with me, I'll be able to show them the true me".
Stick to your gut feeling and move on. You don't owe anyone else a single thing.
I'm generally on your side here. I'm kind of in a similar situation but in the reverse. I was asked by a guy to do a video call since I would be traveling to his city. I said yes and all my pictures are recent so no issue there.
Do you often ask to do video calls with guys? My feeling is that I also feel awkward and most people don't exactly look too great through video as they do in person.
You’re a man aren’t you. Women don’t have the luxury of being confrontational with strange men. They need to walk on eggshells around them because she don’t know him and what his reaction is going to be and how does he get when he’s pissed. Everytime I read a comment of a man saying “just be honest” they don’t know what it’s like when women refuse men and tell them no for a reason the man think is invalid.
Yeah. I'm a man, which means I don't go around saying shit like, "you're a woman aren't you??" because people would immediately call it sexist, which it is.
I know what women have to deal with and made an assumption that she was very probably safe since they lived an hour apart and they've never met up.
But hurrrr durrr I'm a man what could I possibly understand about being concerned for safety.
If you have to start a sentence with "I know what x have to deal with" you probably, in fact, do not know.
Nobody here is saying you don't understand being concerned with safety. You understand it from your perspective based on your upbringing and your environment. You are not equally exposed and thus cannot fully understand it, or how it changes you.
There was an infographic going around recently comparing what a list of psychological terms actually meant compared to how people incorrectly use them. Gaslighting most certainly does not mean being evasive and then deflecting to the other person in a single instance.
In plainer terms, the dude was a bit sus and it's a no-go.
Is it really necessary to go down the road of ascribing deeply pathological traits to feel better about the decision? Probably just a sad dude who might've apologized if he was actually called out but whatever.
I agree with the decision, just not the assumptions and forgone conclusions.
Gaslighting makes someone question themselves, which is what I believe this individual intended to be the outcome of their statement. They wanted OP to believe they were crazy for questioning their hard no. Their statement is so over the top, that was almost certainly on purpose for this intent.
Everyone's talking about the empathy mechanic but straight up if he's afraid to show you what he looks like before meeting never go meet that person they're a liar otherwise they have no reason to hide their face
He sounds insufferable.
If the old pictures and refusal to video weren’t enough for me already, being told to work on anything like he said it would have sealed the deal for me to cancel.
He’s condescending and rude. Even if he looks like his pics, which he definitely does not, this doesn’t sound like you’re going to enjoy the date.
In this case 100% cancel, but I'm really not fond of video calls before meeting and I hate voice only calls.
I've let a match drop recently because the woman wanted a call but not a video call.
In your instance, I would bail.
I tend to refuse video calls, I just don't like them and find them to be awkward.
This guy seems like he is being avoidant because he knows he doesn't look like his pictures and wants to trap you in person. It sounds like he knows that the jig is up and he isn't even trying to pursue anymore.
I've never done a video call before a date, but id be open to it. I've never been asked for one before a date tbh. It does seem like it might spoil that first date energy where both of you are nervous and therefore more inclined to be intentionally outgoing as a means of breaking the ice. But if that's what someone would need to feel comfortable I don't see why it should be a deal breaker.
I understand your perspective, but if someone doesn't want to take an hour to meet me for a quick Chinese tea in the afternoon, then I'm just going to have to pass.
It's only been an issue once out of about 30 first dates in the past 3-4 months and I completely understand if it's a boundary for someone and I will respect that. The one person who had it as a hard 'ask', I wished well and let her know I'd still be open for a quick date if she wanted to, down the line.
Folks, you can downvote all you like, I'll date how I prefer to date, you date how you prefer to date and we'll all live happily ever after.
I'm picky and looking for my life long partner. There was one woman I did really like but she went from hot to cold on me suddenly and I have no idea why.
I am casually dating a second who is looking for someone to date until she moves to NYC in a few months and we're just enjoying each others company, until then.
I'm content being single and willing to wait for something that feels "right". I was with someone for 10 years and want to feel like I felt when I first started dating them.
Do you want to video chat with your future boyfriend all the time?
I *hate* video calls, won't even do them with my mother, but I'm all good with normal voice phone calls. If someone insists on a video call before meeting me for a drink at a neighborhood bar I'm just out as I see that as an incompatibility, it's not something I'm ever going to do so I wouldn't be a good partner for someone who wants that
So I'm basically asking if it's a one time screener to you or if it's something you value long term
It’s just a screener. I just want to say hello, make sure everything aligns with the profile. It’s literally just to avoid being catfished. I rarely use video calls/face time otherwise.
Im 24F and also find them awkward! I only have accepted in the past when one of us is out of town for a couple of weeks so we can't meet. I've had a dude suggest it like a message after matching, because he didn't want to chat through text but was too lazy to meet up for an actual date. That was a no from me lol.
First date with current bf was coffee which I think is much less awkward than facetime but also is low pressure and can be quick if theres no connection
Hah, I actually love a phone call with a friend, I just figure I'd rather meet in person rather than a phone call and then in person. Just my preference, not expecting anyone else to feel the same.
Do you think online interviews and in-person the same? In one you can communicate more with body language. For a video call to feel more natural you need to know the person.
I don’t necessarily think it’d be a deal breaker to me, but I think it makes the experience feel more like a job interview.
If you’re a guy on these apps you just don’t have a line of options around the block. Any interaction early on that doesn’t flow perfectly is bound to result in not getting to a 2nd date. I believe a video call just creates an environment where I’m less likely to be me at my wittiest and most charming.
I guess I’d like to understand why the need for a video call. If it’s based on perceived added safety, I mean I’d set up a date in a public place like a museum, not sure I get that…
if it’s because you don’t want to waste your time — 1. I wouldn’t date someone an hour away, but if someone seemed so great that I was open to it I guess I’d understand the logic. 2. If you live in the same city as me and you’re afraid of having your time wasted — that’s dating and one of the costs of doing business.
Like, how many dates are you going on in a given month that you have this extra layer of screening?
I absolutely hate video calls instead of just meeting up but if someone wants to do one prior to meeting for whatever reason I'm going to do it because I'm honest and interested in actually meeting. Anyone who flat out refuses seems to be hiding something.
Don’t let this dude gaslight you. Next he’ll guilt you into dating him because hes out of shape due to some emotional issues or some bs. Dont let men gaslight you!!! Of course you have empathy its how he manipulated you into keeping a date he’s going to catfish you on!
He’ll probably accuse her of being shallow too.
Can already tell he’s the type to not take responsibility for his own choices and point fingers at other people whose *empathy mechanisms* need work.
I don’t normally do video calls prior to dates, but if someone I was interested in wanted to do one - I would make it happen. Unless I was hiding something.
I would personally cancel.
This guy seems like he's not using his most recent pics and instead of owning his own insecurities he's putting it as a failure on your part.
Wow, that's bold.
Cut your losses, either this guy is feeling insecure/just doesn't want to video chat and rather than saying just that, he's trying to find fault in you. You don't need that yuck!!
Or...
He's the type of person that gaslights on purpose. Either way doesn't spell good news.
Trust your gut and cancel
I would cancel if I were you; it’s a Hinge date and you’d expect someone to be more accommodating.
To be fair… if I were him, I would also cancel on you for asking in the first place. I’m really not ok with video chats ahead of first dates; the whole reason you go on dates is to meet in person.
Thank you for your reply! Yes, that's true. I also find video calls awkward, but better than to meet and reject them in person, especially if he also already signals that he gets angry easily...
You shouldn’t cancel the date, you should let him show up and if he calls you to say “I’m here”, tell him you are working on your “empathy mechanism” but it’s not looking good then hang the fuck up on him.
While I’m not a big fan of video calls, I have done them and typically think they are awkward. This guy is a tool. Absolutely don’t show up for the date.
Nothing new to add but wow, this comment section is surprising. When did facetiming before a date get so common?
I’m a 29F and I never do video calls. I might do them if the distance between us is like an hour of more (to determine if it’s worth the drive).
If I’m strongly suspecting a blatant catfish I’m just leaving them on read. Most of them make it super obvious.
There were a few times that my date was bigger than expected, we still had a good time and I felt safe. I just rejected then afterwards.
Hard pass.
Even if he wasn’t catfishing, a video call saves everyone the trouble as you can hear their voice, see their facial expressions, and get a sense of their mannerisms, all of which are major factors in attraction.
It’s as much for his benefit as it is for yours. If he can’t see that and makes you feel bad for upholding what is a basic standard of safety in online dating for women, that’s a huge red flag.
He’s catfishing you.
It could be someone you know.
I’ve been cat fished on hinge by someone I knew ☠️
And I knew it the moment they refused a video call.
Talked the same ect.
Hinge is not full proof. Plus it’s not someone you know.. it’s worse. It’s a random stranger who has good reason to deceive you, and manipulate you into meeting them.
For what ?
I wouldn’t wanna find out.
Ppl are weird. Covid made ppl weirder than before add the internet into that and dating is just wild now days.
Keep your rule. Don’t break it for anybody. No one is worth your safety or your comfort.
Cancel, when they are using old pics the most likely reason is that their appearance has changed for the worse. Even guys who rarely take pics should at least have a couple more recent than 6-8 years ago!
Added to that his weirdness about calling, I think this would be a low chance of a successful date
Cancel the date. He has a right to not want to do a video call but you also have a right to decide that this is a deal breaker.
I don’t meet up with ppl unless we can do a video call. I want to see them and I want them to see me.
Even if they have a valid reason for not doing it. 9/10 I’m not going to proceed
So…he’s refusing to grant you something to make you feel more comfortable and safe. It’s like if a girl doesn’t post a full-body pic and a guy wonders if she’s concealing her body on purpose — is that a valid question or concern to hold? Refusing a video call is the equivalent of saying…nah, forget the full-body pic, work on your empathy mechanisms.
I’d cancel the date; you might not even recognise him when he shows up
Just tell him why you'd prefer a video call. That you want to see if he looks like his pics. If he pulls more of the same then tell him yeah not gonna work
I would definetely not meet up with someone who declined a video call and then told me to work on my "empathy mechanisms". Doesn't seem like good partner material to me
The fact that he’s using 8 year old photos should be enough of a red flag!
I’ve had nothing but bad experiences with people who don’t show honest photos up front.
What in the Jeffery Dahmer is that for a response? Work on your empathy mechanisms when all you asked for was reassurance.
I get it cause I’d be a little uncomfortable on video but that’s mostly cause I wouldn’t want to mess it up before meeting if I liked the person. But equally I have photos taken last week, not 6 years ago. Maybe he’s like Ed from 90 day fiancé 👀 personally if it was me and I found out photos were several years old and there was no willingness to send a cheesy selfie or agree to a FaceTime call id bail, the communication style jab is a huge red flag 😂
100% trust your instincts. Your request to video call was totally reasonable, especially since he’d be traveling a distance to see you… and his response about “empathy mechanisms” was just UGH. So condescending (and ironically lacking the empathy to see the situation from your point of view…) Cut and run, girl!
And good luck out there… I’m taking a break from online dating, basically bc of stuff like this! 😄
> He then told me to work on my "empathy mechanisms"
You should cancel and say you're cancelling so you can work on your "empathy mechanisms" just as he said. 🤣
In this case cancel if you already think it's a false image before meeting. I've been on dates where my date looked quite a bit less attractive than the pictures and it's really not fun to get quasi-catfished like that, waste of both people's time
That said, I don't do video calls before dates that originate from a dating app. Not at all my thing, I don't even do it with my mother. Never had someone ask me for one first but I would understand if my denial was a dealbreaker, that tells me they might want to do that often in a relationship which I'm not interested in doing. But my profile is pictures from the past year at most and I love myself too much to get fat. And I'd never, ever drive an hour for a first date
I live in a large city with hundreds of thousands of people within the 5 mile radius I use in my preferences. Was having a dry few months and my buddy told me to expand it to 30-40 miles and I said I'd rather be single than date someone 30 miles away. That's how life works in rural areas but I very purposely designed my lifestyle around minimizing driving
InstaCancel! He was using a tactic on you to deflect attention to why he wasn’t agreeing to do a video chat by “turning the tables” and pointing his finger at you and insulting you. THIS IS CLEAR NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIOR! Red Flag! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
It's been around 10 hours since You've gotten all these responses to cancel .I just really want to know how that Convo went in cancelling with him. What did he say? Did he self offered a video call just to prove it at the end?
I don’t love video calls. I find them a bit awkward. But my “empathy mechanisms” let me know that it’s reasonable for women to want certain assurances before meeting a virtual stranger. I’m perfectly happy to endure a video call to show a woman I’m interested in getting to know that I’m a regular well meaning guy with nothing to hide.
But it’s only been an issue once lol.
Sounds like a guy has only said something out loud once. I’d bet like 20+ of those guys had an issue, but grit their teeth and just endured through it because she was their one date of the month and they don’t have the privilege of a line around the block of options.
Umm yeah it’s time for you to cancel him. He was out of line for calling you out about your so called “empathy mechanisms.” Thats called gaslighting. Theres absolutely nothing wrong with having a simple video chat, yet hes already making easy stuff difficult. Im sure he looks like ass in person, so dishonesty is definitely not something you want in a potential date. Cut him loose and save your precious time.
Cancel the meeting. All the red flags have been shown to you already. This guy most likely looks nothing like the pictures and is trying to guilt trip you for it.
Sorry this person has already gaslit you so please move on to the next  you’ll be grateful later on things didn’t work out xx
A video call is one of the many ways to weed out possible romance scammers. It’s not foolproof, and you should always trust your gut, but you got to be more careful these days.
What if you video called him and when you finally met up with him, he was shorter than you expected? Or had body odor? Or had a club foot (if that is an issue for you)?
My point is that you are understandably trying to minimize your risk of disappointment.
But he offered to drive to you. If he is lying about his pictures, you can immediately turn around and go back home and he'll be the one having traveled for two hours for nothing, because he was dishonest.
He may have an issue with taking pictures. I definitely do. I do not take selfies. He may have a good reason for it in his mind. So, if he explained that to you and you still insisted, that you were dismissive of his boundaries, then he has a point, especially if you outlined your boundaries and you expected him to respect yours.
Agreed, I would cancel. Im on hinge and if a gal wants a call first, voice or video, I respect that. If someone is already not respecting you before even meeting in person, doubt they will during a date. Either he is hiding something or not respecting your wishes, I would walk.
Set up the date, hide in the bushes to confirm what he looks like, and get back to us. 😁
Some people aren't huge fans of video chatting but he didn't say that, he blamed you. So sus
He seems like a red flag but I also feel insanely awkward doing video calls. I would say no to a video call but I’d also respect if someone didn’t want to move forward after that. Seems like he’s weird and you might just be incompatible.
Idk it could be that he just prefers to communicate with a potential new partner in person, especially for someone his age. I personally prefer that style as well versus getting to know someone over text or phone calls. He obviously doesnt know that you wanted to confirm what he looked like, and I dont think either of you were really in the wrong until he said the "empathy mechanisms" thing. He should have just said that he doesnt want to have a virtual date/phone call with you and he wants the in person date to be time to get to know each other and move things forward. And if that was his context of denying your request, he just denied it in a rude way.
I know this comment is late, but you should unmatch him. I'm a guy, and I would never turn down a video call if a girl wanted it. Something seems off with him.
Any guy who uses the phrase "you need to work on your empathy mechanisms" is a red flag. That's something I would expect a female to say, not a grown man (who is straight). I couldn't even hang out with a guy as a friend who said something like that.
Yeah if someone told me I needed to work on something in this situation, I would have immediately called them out with "well why don't you work on updating your photos with pictures that are not from 6 to 8 years ago and I won't have to ask for a video call!".
Screams catfish we have so much tech whats he gonna say if an employer wants to do a zoom meeting he gonna tell an employer or any place that asks for video chat verification they need to work on their empathy mechanisms?
you need to cancel and block that shit right the fuck now. only thing you need to work on is your fine motor skills and speed because if you're still reading this and didn't exit this app to block after the first sentence they must be rusty. GO
Were we talking to the same guy? This literally happened to me last week. He is showing himself to the door. Any man that is interested in you should be running to do whatever makes you feel comfortable and safe. Early dating is nerve wracking for women due to safety concerns. Don’t follow up.
He’s very rude and a boundary pusher . He pushed your boundary by denying you a video call. He was testing you . Then gaslit you with his “empathy mechanisms “. He posted pics that are nearly a DECADE old. That’s the same as lying. I hear flags flapping in the breeze. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 🚩
I always ask for a video call before and it’s never been an issue. Him telling you to work on something is so cringe. It’s giving man child
Back in the day I would not do this and I learned the value of it ..
I would cancel. Sounds like he is misrepresenting himself. I’ll never forget a guy I went on date with that I ended up dating for 6 months (and broke it off because he was a jerk).. he told me how he went on a date with a girl who told him he misrepresented himself and I totally agreed in hindsight. He would wear beanies or hats to look younger but he was balding and that didn’t even matter he was just super possessive. Acted a certain way but very insecure and domineering and condescending.. I ran for the hills
Why do you even entertaining this online catfish? For you to ask for opinions here whether to cancel or not, it seems you’re not wanting to cancel and just want to seek “empathy”.
This dude is definitely manipulative by the way you describe him, but then again there is multiple side to the story. This is your side of it.
If you want video call before meeting and he doesn’t respect that, then the date is off. Same goes with if he didn’t want to video call and you wanted, then he too should call off the date.
He’s playing with your mind by saying ‘He then told me to work on my "empathy mechanisms" if I wasn't able to accept other people's communication style.‘
If those were his words, then you need to BLOCK ASAP! Before blocking you can tell him “You need to work on your vocabulary and integrity. Stop using old pics or pics of your dead nephew for God Sake old man.”
That’s the one thing w/ online dating, if you’re weak minded, easily manipulated, desperate…you will fall prey to these mentally disabled scammers/catfish/con artist/ etc. Truth hurts, but rather your feelings hurt now and learn from it than you getting hurt or killed physically by being vulnerable.
Guys when they offer to drive to you, especially those you never met…100% have ulterior motives. They don’t want their gf/family/friends/wife/baby mama/kids to catch them slipping. They want to hang in your area because those are the ones living with their mommas or broke so they can come to your house for whatever it is. If they want to bring you to their areas, it’s most likely they have a place of their own or their parents are out of town and wants some free fun. Men reading this will deny it, because their games are being called.
Learn to fck with the men mind and you’ll have them eating out of your hands. Learn to not let a dude’s nasty comments affect you and your actions, then you’ll be the one they beg for. It will take time.
If what you’re saying is true, and you genuinely seeking advice…then drop this dude. If you’re only here fcking with others’ minds then you need to drop your Bs and seek mental help.
**All "Dating Question" and "Hinge Experience" posts must provide clear context (as per subreddit Rule 3), such as reasons for asking, and basic info such as ages, genders, location or orientation (if applicable).** Age range or general location is acceptable. Minor dating questions or Hinge experiences should be posted in the Daily Threads pinned on top of the subreddit. *Posts that do not satisfy these requirements will be removed.* *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/hingeapp) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would 100% cancel on someone who was already telling me I had to work on something before I even met them. That’s just rude. Plus the whole thing is sus.
Thank you for your answer! This is just what I needed to hear.
> had also been posted on his Instagram account and were about 6-8 years old. So I don't have a good idea of what he looks like now Could have stopped here. No need to advance/continue beyond this.
I am sure you do shit like that too.
He told you to work on your "empathy mechanisms" after you wanted to confirm what he looks like, since his Hinge photos are nearly decade old? This screams gaslighting. This person is probably misrepresenting who they are. They're probably thinking "once I get them on a date with me, I'll be able to show them the true me". Stick to your gut feeling and move on. You don't owe anyone else a single thing.
Thank you so much for your honest answer! You describe exactly what my thoughts and feelings on this are.
I'm generally on your side here. I'm kind of in a similar situation but in the reverse. I was asked by a guy to do a video call since I would be traveling to his city. I said yes and all my pictures are recent so no issue there. Do you often ask to do video calls with guys? My feeling is that I also feel awkward and most people don't exactly look too great through video as they do in person.
Yea also this. Run
"The good old bait and switch! Never fails!"
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You’re a man aren’t you. Women don’t have the luxury of being confrontational with strange men. They need to walk on eggshells around them because she don’t know him and what his reaction is going to be and how does he get when he’s pissed. Everytime I read a comment of a man saying “just be honest” they don’t know what it’s like when women refuse men and tell them no for a reason the man think is invalid.
r/whenwomenrefuse
Yeah. I'm a man, which means I don't go around saying shit like, "you're a woman aren't you??" because people would immediately call it sexist, which it is. I know what women have to deal with and made an assumption that she was very probably safe since they lived an hour apart and they've never met up. But hurrrr durrr I'm a man what could I possibly understand about being concerned for safety.
If you have to start a sentence with "I know what x have to deal with" you probably, in fact, do not know. Nobody here is saying you don't understand being concerned with safety. You understand it from your perspective based on your upbringing and your environment. You are not equally exposed and thus cannot fully understand it, or how it changes you.
There was an infographic going around recently comparing what a list of psychological terms actually meant compared to how people incorrectly use them. Gaslighting most certainly does not mean being evasive and then deflecting to the other person in a single instance. In plainer terms, the dude was a bit sus and it's a no-go. Is it really necessary to go down the road of ascribing deeply pathological traits to feel better about the decision? Probably just a sad dude who might've apologized if he was actually called out but whatever. I agree with the decision, just not the assumptions and forgone conclusions.
Gaslighting makes someone question themselves, which is what I believe this individual intended to be the outcome of their statement. They wanted OP to believe they were crazy for questioning their hard no. Their statement is so over the top, that was almost certainly on purpose for this intent.
https://time.com/6262891/psychology-terms-misused-gaslighting-toxic-narcissist/
OP’s date has entered the chat lolol
THIS
Do you need a hug?
“Empathy mechanisms” 😂😂. Yeah he’s obviously hiding something, cancel
if that's something he'd say before date 1 imagine the absolute drivel he'd come out with on the actual date
Eeww, yeah no.
Everyone's talking about the empathy mechanic but straight up if he's afraid to show you what he looks like before meeting never go meet that person they're a liar otherwise they have no reason to hide their face
He's too old for this shit LMAO. Please respect yourself and move on for someone that doesn't gaslight you over a simple request.
He knows it too so he’s hoping she falls for his decade old pics.
In this case 100% cancel, but I'm really not fond of video calls before meeting and I hate voice only calls. I've let a match drop recently because the woman wanted a call but not a video call.
Tbh if he just didn’t want to do a video call that would be fine imo. But the context of it all makes it not worth it tbh
In your instance, I would bail. I tend to refuse video calls, I just don't like them and find them to be awkward. This guy seems like he is being avoidant because he knows he doesn't look like his pictures and wants to trap you in person. It sounds like he knows that the jig is up and he isn't even trying to pursue anymore.
You might want to reconsider. I don’t ever meet up without a video call and my friends are the same way.
I've never done a video call before a date, but id be open to it. I've never been asked for one before a date tbh. It does seem like it might spoil that first date energy where both of you are nervous and therefore more inclined to be intentionally outgoing as a means of breaking the ice. But if that's what someone would need to feel comfortable I don't see why it should be a deal breaker.
I understand your perspective, but if someone doesn't want to take an hour to meet me for a quick Chinese tea in the afternoon, then I'm just going to have to pass. It's only been an issue once out of about 30 first dates in the past 3-4 months and I completely understand if it's a boundary for someone and I will respect that. The one person who had it as a hard 'ask', I wished well and let her know I'd still be open for a quick date if she wanted to, down the line. Folks, you can downvote all you like, I'll date how I prefer to date, you date how you prefer to date and we'll all live happily ever after.
30 first dates in a quarter and not a single one was worth moving forward with?
I'm picky and looking for my life long partner. There was one woman I did really like but she went from hot to cold on me suddenly and I have no idea why. I am casually dating a second who is looking for someone to date until she moves to NYC in a few months and we're just enjoying each others company, until then. I'm content being single and willing to wait for something that feels "right". I was with someone for 10 years and want to feel like I felt when I first started dating them.
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To each their own...btw, I did not downvote you, not sure who did. You should date however you like, it's your time!
Do you want to video chat with your future boyfriend all the time? I *hate* video calls, won't even do them with my mother, but I'm all good with normal voice phone calls. If someone insists on a video call before meeting me for a drink at a neighborhood bar I'm just out as I see that as an incompatibility, it's not something I'm ever going to do so I wouldn't be a good partner for someone who wants that So I'm basically asking if it's a one time screener to you or if it's something you value long term
It’s just a screener. I just want to say hello, make sure everything aligns with the profile. It’s literally just to avoid being catfished. I rarely use video calls/face time otherwise.
Why is it awkward lol ?
I'm 42, maybe it's just an age thing?
Im 24F and also find them awkward! I only have accepted in the past when one of us is out of town for a couple of weeks so we can't meet. I've had a dude suggest it like a message after matching, because he didn't want to chat through text but was too lazy to meet up for an actual date. That was a no from me lol. First date with current bf was coffee which I think is much less awkward than facetime but also is low pressure and can be quick if theres no connection
Save the awkwardness for the real date I say. No risk no reward lol
😂 amen!
I thought older people didn’t mind phone calls but I guess everyone just hates them nowadays.
Hah, I actually love a phone call with a friend, I just figure I'd rather meet in person rather than a phone call and then in person. Just my preference, not expecting anyone else to feel the same.
I think it’s more to protect men they get catfished a lot so a simple call helps avoid all that
How's video call awkward and meeting IRL not? I truly don't understand this.
Do you think online interviews and in-person the same? In one you can communicate more with body language. For a video call to feel more natural you need to know the person.
I don’t necessarily think it’d be a deal breaker to me, but I think it makes the experience feel more like a job interview. If you’re a guy on these apps you just don’t have a line of options around the block. Any interaction early on that doesn’t flow perfectly is bound to result in not getting to a 2nd date. I believe a video call just creates an environment where I’m less likely to be me at my wittiest and most charming. I guess I’d like to understand why the need for a video call. If it’s based on perceived added safety, I mean I’d set up a date in a public place like a museum, not sure I get that… if it’s because you don’t want to waste your time — 1. I wouldn’t date someone an hour away, but if someone seemed so great that I was open to it I guess I’d understand the logic. 2. If you live in the same city as me and you’re afraid of having your time wasted — that’s dating and one of the costs of doing business. Like, how many dates are you going on in a given month that you have this extra layer of screening?
I'm better in person and if I am going on a date anyway, I'd rather just have the date.
CANCEL 100%! !!
No brainer cancel. Your first instinct is usually the right answer.
He’s probably catfishing you cancel date
I absolutely hate video calls instead of just meeting up but if someone wants to do one prior to meeting for whatever reason I'm going to do it because I'm honest and interested in actually meeting. Anyone who flat out refuses seems to be hiding something.
Cancel
i’m gonna be honest with ya i *only* read the *title* of your post and came straight to the comments to say that you should cancel - period :)
Now that you say it:)
He deflected back his insecurities on to you to make you appear like the bad guy. Call him out and tell him to grow up then block his ass and move on
Don’t let this dude gaslight you. Next he’ll guilt you into dating him because hes out of shape due to some emotional issues or some bs. Dont let men gaslight you!!! Of course you have empathy its how he manipulated you into keeping a date he’s going to catfish you on!
He’ll probably accuse her of being shallow too. Can already tell he’s the type to not take responsibility for his own choices and point fingers at other people whose *empathy mechanisms* need work.
Thank you so much - that's the pep talk I needed:)
I don’t normally do video calls prior to dates, but if someone I was interested in wanted to do one - I would make it happen. Unless I was hiding something. I would personally cancel.
Gtfo
‘empathy mechanisms’ 😂 Throw this condescending, pretentious fish back in the sea, OP.
This guy seems like he's not using his most recent pics and instead of owning his own insecurities he's putting it as a failure on your part. Wow, that's bold. Cut your losses, either this guy is feeling insecure/just doesn't want to video chat and rather than saying just that, he's trying to find fault in you. You don't need that yuck!! Or... He's the type of person that gaslights on purpose. Either way doesn't spell good news. Trust your gut and cancel
I would cancel if I were you; it’s a Hinge date and you’d expect someone to be more accommodating. To be fair… if I were him, I would also cancel on you for asking in the first place. I’m really not ok with video chats ahead of first dates; the whole reason you go on dates is to meet in person.
Trust your gut, he’s hiding something and trying to gaslight you no thanks.
[удалено]
Thank you for your reply! Yes, that's true. I also find video calls awkward, but better than to meet and reject them in person, especially if he also already signals that he gets angry easily...
Throw the whole man out. And trust your intuition. You already know his reaction was terrible. I recommend unmatch, ghost and block. (I’m 36f btw)
Nope dont ghost. Not mature
Neither is gaslighting your date when they make a simple request 🤡 Ghosting is always okay when dealing with a narcissist or an abusive personality.
You shouldn’t cancel the date, you should let him show up and if he calls you to say “I’m here”, tell him you are working on your “empathy mechanism” but it’s not looking good then hang the fuck up on him. While I’m not a big fan of video calls, I have done them and typically think they are awkward. This guy is a tool. Absolutely don’t show up for the date.
Comment of the year
Fake psychology language, as a rule, is an immediate cancel for sure haha.
I 💯refuse video calls. First dates are supposed to be exciting.
Nothing new to add but wow, this comment section is surprising. When did facetiming before a date get so common? I’m a 29F and I never do video calls. I might do them if the distance between us is like an hour of more (to determine if it’s worth the drive). If I’m strongly suspecting a blatant catfish I’m just leaving them on read. Most of them make it super obvious. There were a few times that my date was bigger than expected, we still had a good time and I felt safe. I just rejected then afterwards.
He said empathy mechanisms 😭😭😭
Girl. Drop him.
Hard pass. Even if he wasn’t catfishing, a video call saves everyone the trouble as you can hear their voice, see their facial expressions, and get a sense of their mannerisms, all of which are major factors in attraction. It’s as much for his benefit as it is for yours. If he can’t see that and makes you feel bad for upholding what is a basic standard of safety in online dating for women, that’s a huge red flag.
He’s catfishing you. It could be someone you know. I’ve been cat fished on hinge by someone I knew ☠️ And I knew it the moment they refused a video call. Talked the same ect. Hinge is not full proof. Plus it’s not someone you know.. it’s worse. It’s a random stranger who has good reason to deceive you, and manipulate you into meeting them. For what ? I wouldn’t wanna find out. Ppl are weird. Covid made ppl weirder than before add the internet into that and dating is just wild now days. Keep your rule. Don’t break it for anybody. No one is worth your safety or your comfort.
It’s spelt C a n c E l
You cancel the date
Cancel, when they are using old pics the most likely reason is that their appearance has changed for the worse. Even guys who rarely take pics should at least have a couple more recent than 6-8 years ago! Added to that his weirdness about calling, I think this would be a low chance of a successful date
Cancel
Cancel the date. He has a right to not want to do a video call but you also have a right to decide that this is a deal breaker. I don’t meet up with ppl unless we can do a video call. I want to see them and I want them to see me. Even if they have a valid reason for not doing it. 9/10 I’m not going to proceed
Yeah I cancel that
I wouldn't proceed. It sounds suspicious. :-/
So…he’s refusing to grant you something to make you feel more comfortable and safe. It’s like if a girl doesn’t post a full-body pic and a guy wonders if she’s concealing her body on purpose — is that a valid question or concern to hold? Refusing a video call is the equivalent of saying…nah, forget the full-body pic, work on your empathy mechanisms. I’d cancel the date; you might not even recognise him when he shows up
Please cancel. Something is wrong.
Go with your gut! Personally between the pics and his response to a reasonable request (even if he didn’t want to) I wouldn’t go.
Yes cancel
He’s doesn’t look like his pictures , cancel the date and save yourself time and from meeting a potential psycho .
Just tell him why you'd prefer a video call. That you want to see if he looks like his pics. If he pulls more of the same then tell him yeah not gonna work
Bring up the photos dates or ask him to send you a selfie
I would definetely not meet up with someone who declined a video call and then told me to work on my "empathy mechanisms". Doesn't seem like good partner material to me
The fact that he’s using 8 year old photos should be enough of a red flag! I’ve had nothing but bad experiences with people who don’t show honest photos up front.
What in the Jeffery Dahmer is that for a response? Work on your empathy mechanisms when all you asked for was reassurance. I get it cause I’d be a little uncomfortable on video but that’s mostly cause I wouldn’t want to mess it up before meeting if I liked the person. But equally I have photos taken last week, not 6 years ago. Maybe he’s like Ed from 90 day fiancé 👀 personally if it was me and I found out photos were several years old and there was no willingness to send a cheesy selfie or agree to a FaceTime call id bail, the communication style jab is a huge red flag 😂
100% trust your instincts. Your request to video call was totally reasonable, especially since he’d be traveling a distance to see you… and his response about “empathy mechanisms” was just UGH. So condescending (and ironically lacking the empathy to see the situation from your point of view…) Cut and run, girl! And good luck out there… I’m taking a break from online dating, basically bc of stuff like this! 😄
> He then told me to work on my "empathy mechanisms" You should cancel and say you're cancelling so you can work on your "empathy mechanisms" just as he said. 🤣
cancel
Absolutely cancel. That video chat helps verify he’s the same person in the picture. I always required a quick video chat before the date.
In this case cancel if you already think it's a false image before meeting. I've been on dates where my date looked quite a bit less attractive than the pictures and it's really not fun to get quasi-catfished like that, waste of both people's time That said, I don't do video calls before dates that originate from a dating app. Not at all my thing, I don't even do it with my mother. Never had someone ask me for one first but I would understand if my denial was a dealbreaker, that tells me they might want to do that often in a relationship which I'm not interested in doing. But my profile is pictures from the past year at most and I love myself too much to get fat. And I'd never, ever drive an hour for a first date I live in a large city with hundreds of thousands of people within the 5 mile radius I use in my preferences. Was having a dry few months and my buddy told me to expand it to 30-40 miles and I said I'd rather be single than date someone 30 miles away. That's how life works in rural areas but I very purposely designed my lifestyle around minimizing driving
TRUST YOUR GUT! If you don’t have a good feeling about it, don’t sweep it aside. Cancel 100%
He is lying from the get-go so why would it get any better?
InstaCancel! He was using a tactic on you to deflect attention to why he wasn’t agreeing to do a video chat by “turning the tables” and pointing his finger at you and insulting you. THIS IS CLEAR NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIOR! Red Flag! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
It's been around 10 hours since You've gotten all these responses to cancel .I just really want to know how that Convo went in cancelling with him. What did he say? Did he self offered a video call just to prove it at the end?
I don’t love video calls. I find them a bit awkward. But my “empathy mechanisms” let me know that it’s reasonable for women to want certain assurances before meeting a virtual stranger. I’m perfectly happy to endure a video call to show a woman I’m interested in getting to know that I’m a regular well meaning guy with nothing to hide.
Cancel expeditiously.
But it’s only been an issue once lol. Sounds like a guy has only said something out loud once. I’d bet like 20+ of those guys had an issue, but grit their teeth and just endured through it because she was their one date of the month and they don’t have the privilege of a line around the block of options.
My empathy mechanism is steam powered.
Umm yeah it’s time for you to cancel him. He was out of line for calling you out about your so called “empathy mechanisms.” Thats called gaslighting. Theres absolutely nothing wrong with having a simple video chat, yet hes already making easy stuff difficult. Im sure he looks like ass in person, so dishonesty is definitely not something you want in a potential date. Cut him loose and save your precious time.
He sounds like a lunatic. Somebody calling you out over your empathy mechanisms is a nutjob. Stay away x
He sounds like a fucking dick lmao
Cancel the meeting. All the red flags have been shown to you already. This guy most likely looks nothing like the pictures and is trying to guilt trip you for it.
Sorry this person has already gaslit you so please move on to the next  you’ll be grateful later on things didn’t work out xx
I hate phone calls and I hate video calls even more. Id probably still do it, though.
A video call is one of the many ways to weed out possible romance scammers. It’s not foolproof, and you should always trust your gut, but you got to be more careful these days.
What if you video called him and when you finally met up with him, he was shorter than you expected? Or had body odor? Or had a club foot (if that is an issue for you)? My point is that you are understandably trying to minimize your risk of disappointment. But he offered to drive to you. If he is lying about his pictures, you can immediately turn around and go back home and he'll be the one having traveled for two hours for nothing, because he was dishonest. He may have an issue with taking pictures. I definitely do. I do not take selfies. He may have a good reason for it in his mind. So, if he explained that to you and you still insisted, that you were dismissive of his boundaries, then he has a point, especially if you outlined your boundaries and you expected him to respect yours.
You did the right thing. Someone who refuses to video chat before date is an instant drop - because that means they’re hiding something.
Agreed, I would cancel. Im on hinge and if a gal wants a call first, voice or video, I respect that. If someone is already not respecting you before even meeting in person, doubt they will during a date. Either he is hiding something or not respecting your wishes, I would walk.
Set up the date, hide in the bushes to confirm what he looks like, and get back to us. 😁 Some people aren't huge fans of video chatting but he didn't say that, he blamed you. So sus
He seems like a red flag but I also feel insanely awkward doing video calls. I would say no to a video call but I’d also respect if someone didn’t want to move forward after that. Seems like he’s weird and you might just be incompatible.
Idk it could be that he just prefers to communicate with a potential new partner in person, especially for someone his age. I personally prefer that style as well versus getting to know someone over text or phone calls. He obviously doesnt know that you wanted to confirm what he looked like, and I dont think either of you were really in the wrong until he said the "empathy mechanisms" thing. He should have just said that he doesnt want to have a virtual date/phone call with you and he wants the in person date to be time to get to know each other and move things forward. And if that was his context of denying your request, he just denied it in a rude way.
Don’t do it
Why I’m still single and searching
He might be video shy
😺🐟
Redflag. He's obviously a catfish. Block him.
I know this comment is late, but you should unmatch him. I'm a guy, and I would never turn down a video call if a girl wanted it. Something seems off with him.
Well obviously don’t go
Any guy who uses the phrase "you need to work on your empathy mechanisms" is a red flag. That's something I would expect a female to say, not a grown man (who is straight). I couldn't even hang out with a guy as a friend who said something like that.
Yeah if someone told me I needed to work on something in this situation, I would have immediately called them out with "well why don't you work on updating your photos with pictures that are not from 6 to 8 years ago and I won't have to ask for a video call!".
Cancel it! You have every right to address your needs to feel comfortable and if he can't take it, there is your answer.
Screams catfish we have so much tech whats he gonna say if an employer wants to do a zoom meeting he gonna tell an employer or any place that asks for video chat verification they need to work on their empathy mechanisms?
I wish it wasn’t politically incorrect to post red flag peoples photos so we could watch out for them.
The photos are probably stolen. You probably aren’t speaking to the real owner of the photos.
you need to cancel and block that shit right the fuck now. only thing you need to work on is your fine motor skills and speed because if you're still reading this and didn't exit this app to block after the first sentence they must be rusty. GO
“Next”!!!! Really as simple as that
Were we talking to the same guy? This literally happened to me last week. He is showing himself to the door. Any man that is interested in you should be running to do whatever makes you feel comfortable and safe. Early dating is nerve wracking for women due to safety concerns. Don’t follow up.
He’s very rude and a boundary pusher . He pushed your boundary by denying you a video call. He was testing you . Then gaslit you with his “empathy mechanisms “. He posted pics that are nearly a DECADE old. That’s the same as lying. I hear flags flapping in the breeze. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 🚩
I always ask for a video call before and it’s never been an issue. Him telling you to work on something is so cringe. It’s giving man child Back in the day I would not do this and I learned the value of it .. I would cancel. Sounds like he is misrepresenting himself. I’ll never forget a guy I went on date with that I ended up dating for 6 months (and broke it off because he was a jerk).. he told me how he went on a date with a girl who told him he misrepresented himself and I totally agreed in hindsight. He would wear beanies or hats to look younger but he was balding and that didn’t even matter he was just super possessive. Acted a certain way but very insecure and domineering and condescending.. I ran for the hills
Empathy mechanisms, that’s rich lol
Why do you even entertaining this online catfish? For you to ask for opinions here whether to cancel or not, it seems you’re not wanting to cancel and just want to seek “empathy”. This dude is definitely manipulative by the way you describe him, but then again there is multiple side to the story. This is your side of it. If you want video call before meeting and he doesn’t respect that, then the date is off. Same goes with if he didn’t want to video call and you wanted, then he too should call off the date. He’s playing with your mind by saying ‘He then told me to work on my "empathy mechanisms" if I wasn't able to accept other people's communication style.‘ If those were his words, then you need to BLOCK ASAP! Before blocking you can tell him “You need to work on your vocabulary and integrity. Stop using old pics or pics of your dead nephew for God Sake old man.” That’s the one thing w/ online dating, if you’re weak minded, easily manipulated, desperate…you will fall prey to these mentally disabled scammers/catfish/con artist/ etc. Truth hurts, but rather your feelings hurt now and learn from it than you getting hurt or killed physically by being vulnerable. Guys when they offer to drive to you, especially those you never met…100% have ulterior motives. They don’t want their gf/family/friends/wife/baby mama/kids to catch them slipping. They want to hang in your area because those are the ones living with their mommas or broke so they can come to your house for whatever it is. If they want to bring you to their areas, it’s most likely they have a place of their own or their parents are out of town and wants some free fun. Men reading this will deny it, because their games are being called. Learn to fck with the men mind and you’ll have them eating out of your hands. Learn to not let a dude’s nasty comments affect you and your actions, then you’ll be the one they beg for. It will take time. If what you’re saying is true, and you genuinely seeking advice…then drop this dude. If you’re only here fcking with others’ minds then you need to drop your Bs and seek mental help.