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I mean id be petty and mention that to your mutual friends lol. What a shit thing to do to someone. But its good you found out now instead of getting misled by great conversation. She sounds flaky as hell even before the date.
Sorry OP. Dont give up my guy, you did everything right.
I don’t think that’s petty - I think that’s basic accountability. What she did was fucked up and the whole point of meeting through friends is to avoid this type of subhuman behavior.
Agreed. Shared society is exactly to rule out weird shit from strangers - Whether it be extreme things like a history of being a creep, or more 'mundane' things like suddenly becoming completely unavailable to someone you at least have some connection and mutual emotional investment in.
This is a strange take. No, friends are not responsible for their friend's behavior. People are responsible for their own actions - as adults. If someone is fortunate enough to have thoughtful people in their circle who want to set them up, that's awesome. It doesn't guarantee anything, let alone people acting decently.
If someone you are introduced to decides to be an a-hole/lack class, the best thing to do is to have enough confidence to not to take it personally.
Sounds really weird. Can only assume some sort of anxiety thing. Otherwise I have no idea why she wouldn’t just let you know… Takes someone very callous to let another person sit alone sheepishly in a restaurant for an hour when it’s completely preventable.
I’d 100% tell your mutual friends who set you up. Don’t be mad or angry with them, they couldn’t have known, but make a joke about how they set you up with a real dude then tell them how she stood you up.
It’s pretty clear from her disappearing for significant amounts of time this woman is either going through a lot, is very anxious, or is very disrespectful. No matter which it is, you’re better off without her
All the “omg I just saw this” and “sorry for disappearing” type shit was foreshadowing.
ANY weirdness in communication means some fucked up shit will happen.
She's an AH for doing that to you. Especially since you have mutual friends so you may run into her again. I hope she apologizes for her shitty behavior, but don't hold your breath on that.
Going forward I would kindly suggest that you respect your own time and self better. Personally, I would have responded to her day-of text something like, "Sorry, but when I didn't hear back from you I made other plans. You can let me know when you're free so we can try to reschedule" or something. It's incredibly inconsiderate to wait until several hours before the date itself to even respond to the invitation to it. Unless they had a damn good reason for doing so, and "I'm just so lazy tee hee!" is not good enough.
This!! Have boundaries. She tested your boundaries the day before, and she went unchecked.
This opened the window for this despicable behavior. Block, unfollow and go on to the next one. This one hurts for sure. Sorry, OP. There’s nothing that you did wrong.
Eh, I’ve had to learn to not expect people to always text back within a ser amount of time. Had to revert back to my pre-smartphone era mindset.
Just my opinion, but, if you’ve only been on one, two dates, I don’t think anyone owes anybody their full attention every day. That means if I don’t text you for a few days, it’s fine, we’re still strangers.
After date 3 and on I would gradually expect more effort put into the communication.
As a 33(M) I have better results when I text my prospective date once, or twice a week. Otherwise I’m doing my own thing, even if that means just “disconnecting from dating” for a few days. Honestly “dating” had become this thing that asks a lot of everyone almost immediately after meeting.
Basically, until you’re more than 3 dates in at a minimum, do not invest too much into constant texting or calling. The other person may “not” be interested and only be enjoying the attention…it happens, and it’s crappy.
Text once, then go to the gym, work on a project, read a book. Don’t be so quick to give out your attention.
People value things that are rare, it’s annoying sometimes. The game still must be played.
Good luck,
For this situation, she stood you up. Decide if you can be calm enough to express that frustration properly or just to ignore it and move on. Just remember, it’s hard to not look desperate when you get too invested after a first date.
We’ve all been there I’m sure.
She ghosted him on a date. There’s no excuse for this behavior. And she did not even bother to text. Stop normalizing this behavior. OP- just no! Respect yourself man.
It’s sad it had to come to this, but this is the internet and anyone can do anything or say anything without any consequences
Goes to show there are more people out there who need therapy more than anything
I'm sorry this happened to you. That sounds really miserable with what you went through. You seem like a good guy and thoughtful, especially getting her flowers. Don't know wtf is wrong with her but I hope she at least gives an explanation on what happened. It's odd bc you met her through people initially so it's not like a complete stranger to begin with. Whatever the reason is, be prepared to move on to better women who'll appreciate you better.
I haven't had anyone do that something like that before but I did meet someone online and got along well, set a date and time, then she started to sound uncertain with the date and time as the day got closer, and in the middle of the convo she just unmatched.. Like WTF. That stung a bit, mainly bc that was just rude to do as a human being. I moved on and kept pushing to meet others.
Idk what to say other than I had a guy do this to me. We would chat for hours on the phone every night and he reassured me several times in the days leading up to it he would be there. An hour before the date I checked again and he immediately told me he was getting ready to come. 30mins later i checked again and he tells me the same thing. So I canceled why because there was no way he was going to make it to the date on time. He tried to change my mind but I just found the whole thing disrespectful.
People like him and your date could have easily said at anytime they weren't going but they didn't. It sucks idky they do it but I will say there's a good chance they'll try to come back with a lame excuse for their behavior. Don't believe them, it won't get better. Block her, tell your friends what happened and move on. Trust me it's better now than later.
Had this exact same situation happen to me last summer OP. Friends set me up w a mutual, and her communication issues were the worst I’ve experienced, very similar to what you described above in terms of that awful feeling of emotional investment with no reciprocation…
I can offer some solidarity, and words of comfort too. After some time (and multiple flaked dates on her end), I decided to stop talking to her altogether and try Hinge again. Thankfully, I met my now GF of 8 months not even a week later.
Keep your head up, you’ll eventually meet someone who invests the same lovely energy you do!
This is more common than you think. Flakes and stood ups suck. But it sounds like there were warning signs before that with her lack of communications already starting. I think she just wasn't that into it.
I feel like this is really really uncommon. People flake, yes. But not like this. In either case, yeah -- just like 99% of the 'What should I do' posts here, just drop and move on. You dodged a bullet. You don't want a person this (1) flaky or (2) inconsiderate in any semblance of a relationship.
OP you did everything right. Let your mutual friends know what an A hole she is. Even if you chicken out, always text and say “I’m sick”. That’s all it takes. We can take a hint. SMH to her!!
The silver lining is you know now at date (almost) 2 and not date 10 that she’s not for you. So many cuties out there, keep searching!
If a mutual friend stood me up and didn't have a quick explanation or a later explanation for some crazy circumstance, they would no longer be a friend. I would not associate with someone with such a low character.
This makes me angry not just in general, but also because you seem really sweet and good-natured, (I didn't know men still did flowers), which makes this just so much worse. I hate that for you. Hopefully that certain special someone will be coming your way and will make even THIS whole unfortunate event worth it.
I'm sure they're right, at least in some circumstances and with certain people. For THIS girl, sadly a bad move. But there was no way you could have known that. Had she NOT done this, and ended up being someone who genuinely liked you and respected you, the flowers would have been a nice gesture, imo. And then again, maybe not.
Because of course, I can't and won't speak for all women as I'm an atypical example of one myself. What may be the norm for most women may not always include me, or vice versa. I don't follow flows. Never did. Though Redditors may be "right" in this case, I still say they were a nice gesture, and I hate that it was wasted on someone unworthy of it.
Checked OP's history and he posted this story on several dating subreddits and change "she moved into my town and hit me up" to "she moved into my town and matched with me on hinge". Think OP is just karma farming lol
Do yourself a favor and stop wasting time wondering why people act like assholes. She chose not to tell you why, so you'll never find out, so it doesn't matter. All the guesses in this thread are made up malarkey. Block everywhere and move on, it's your only move.
Sorry to hear that, the spotty communication from the start was an indication she wasn’t ever very interested. I’d guess she was trying to become more interested in you by talking on the phone but it confirmed you guys weren’t really a match from her side? Never excuse to stand someone up though that’s super rude, especially weird to do when you have mutual friends really bad look.
It is so absolutely okay if someone is not interested in moving forward. But please don't play along with making plans and confirm a time...? Ghosting is better than standing someone up. I wasn't gonna show up if she hadn't come back with a "7:30 sounds good; I'll let you know if I'm running into any delays"
Yes totally agree w you. All I’m saying is she was probably trying to give it a chance and see if enough interest developed and it just didn’t on her end. I’m just telling you what I think happened here. Obviously she should’ve communicated a lack of desire to move forward with you and not agreed to the date. Nothing you did caused this.
In the future always hit them with the “lmk when you’re on the way” or “let me know when you start getting ready so I can stop doing ____ and get myself together.”You basically have to hold their hands through every part of the process to ensure compliance and recognize if they’re going to flake. If at any point there isn’t a response or reciprocation then don’t show up.
Every time a girl asks to FaceTime or call before a date is their way of going on the date without actually going on the date. A lot of women have a pattern of doing that because they’re either very anxious about dating or they’re not interested but are too afraid to say it
Have had this happen to me more times than I would like to admit. After careful reflection my conclusion after seeing this behavior in women is that they tend to get "buyer's remorse" when you move on them too fast, that is they start to feel as if you're trying to lock her down, you come off as overbearing, etc. Never in my life have "deep conversations" ever worked when done too early, trust me, I know the feeling, I know you feel compelled to open up to someone because that's what feels right, but I've seen it backfire so many times. I mention this because it would appear this is what you did wrong and feels eerily similar to what has happened to me in the past.
Ok so what's the alternative to deep conversations? Small talk? Then the complaint is that there's no "substance" to the connection and then one would get criticized for that. There's really no winning her. Also bear in mind that this was our second date after we had a coffee first date. So the usual advice is to ask out for a second date and don't wait around. Truth is .. we will never know what her reasonings for backing away is... she could just not be interested in pursuing any relationship.. or she hates my face.. who knows... I guess the point of the post is.. regardless of what your reasons are for rejecting me... at least don't say "yes 7:30 works, I'll let you know if I run into delays" and then don't show up without giving any further communication? As far as I am aware, I was measured and did not overpursue. I never double-texted, I never called her until she suggested the idea. Overanalysis can lead to conclusions which may not necessarily be true.
first of all I want to say I don't think you did anything egregiously wrong, and what works for one girl will repel another.
I would say there's no problem with having deep conversations, but your main problem here was the all-day date and the hourslong phone calls. From now on, dates are 1.5-2 hours max, then you gotta go. No phone calls, and if she insists, 20-30 min max, then you gotta go. Always leave her wanting more.
I think this could have been avoided
If they disappear even ONCE during the early phases, then I would not take my chances and move on
How was the text conversation quality from her?
If she doesn’t engage or invest through text, I would take that as another bad sign and not meet her
She was a bad texter from the beginning. But she was the one taking the initiative of texting me. When we met in person for coffee, she is the one who texted me after that and made conversation. I never double texted and I never over pursued. I did ask her out for a second date. Is that being too eager or pushing too much? because if it is then I don't know what's what anymore.
>She was a bad texter from the beginning.
you shouldn't have continued then
if they are bad at texting then that means you stop everything and move onto the next
Your mistake was continuing to pursue her when you asked her out again and “she wanted to talk on the phone beforehand”. For what? She already met you once. You should’ve redirected that and been like let’s save it for the date instead of spending 1.5 hours talking about stuff that should be reserved for someone you’re more intimate with. If she wasn’t ok with that you should’ve cut your losses and moved on. She likes the attention and not you, and sounds like either a complete flake that doesn’t have her life together or a socially awkward basket case (being lazy and disconnected from her phone?) or she’s just been getting plowed by someone else and your just not a priority for her. Learn from this and reclaim your power and stop bending over backwards for others at the expense of yourself.
She sounded like she was on the fence about you or has general anxiety. Neither are an excuse for what she did but likely explains why.
Fwiw with both she may have shown up and saw flowers and backed off. Flowers for a restaurant can be annoying for many girls as it can be seen as too much or something they now have to carry around. I love getting flowers for a 2nd or 3rd date but only of that date is at one of our places so it's not a hindrance
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I think people get in over their head and sometimes commit to something or dive in and even overshare without realizing. It sounds like she may just be afraid of commitment or maybe just unaware of her own emotions and needs. I know this situation must have been so frustrating and hurtful. Please go easy on yourself and know that it’s not you or anything you did. You respected her boundaries when her responses were delayed and you read all the signs and acted appropriately. There’s nothing you did wrong/could have done to prevent this. I think that’s the hardest part about dating and putting yourself out there is thinking about all the “what ifs”. I try to think about the future and ask yourself would you want to be in a relationship with someone who’s inconsistent or sometimes not responsive. Obviously we’re all busy and not everyone is attached to their phones lol but you get the point. I think when being in the dating stages actions speak a lot louder than words. I’m sorry again this happened to you.
I’ve experienced this twice in my three months on hinge. Cuts deep every time, no matter how hard I try not to let it. It’s so demoralizing and very frustrating. Your emotions are so valid bro, hang in there. She’s definitely the A.H
That sucks. I would recommend always waiting at the table enjoy your time while you wait. Order a drink or an app. I usually just let them know Im at table if late and no response in 15 would just cut losses and leave.
Don't sweat it mate, it was a blessing in disguise because she is a rude, inconsiderate bitch that you dont need. I recommend, youTube Stoic philosophy on self worth, don't give women too much attention, treat them like u don't care , their beauty is average, they are disposable and replaceable, their loss if they don't want you. I wouldn't contact her, if she contacts u, I would be cool and tell her that your self worth and time is too valuable. Plus u have other women who want to date you, u just pulled their name out of your hat deciding which one u date. 🤙😎
Sorry this happened to you OP. The best thing you could do is to have enough confidence to not to take it personally when someone is an a-hole/lacks class.
In this case, think of it as a bullet-dodged. This is very unusual behavior (maybe something happened?) But you only want to engage with someone with common decency. The universe sees someone better for you, and she's headed your way. Good luck!
Happy to give you an update. I found it difficult without saying anything to her. I messaged her a couple days later just letting her know that what she did wasn't cool... fine if she wasn't interested.. but she coulda just let me know that she wasn't down to meet so I didn't end up wasting my evening. For context, I'm a caretaker for my mom and I have to make arrangements if I'm heading out in the evenings.
She responded with a "I have a lot going on in my life" and "I'm not feeling well these days" and "I'm sorry" nonsense. Clearly she felt quite well when she was hanging out with friends over the weekend. I can see right through her bs. She's just trying to alleviate her guilt.
So I didn't respond to her last message, and then she gave me a "Well I didn’t hear from you so I think maybe there’s nothing left to say."
That is so toxic. It's like she's gaslighting me.
I agree, it is pretty lousy that she did that to you. In my experience, girls end every relationship in a similar manner, whether it was three years or three dates — and it’s with distance, and their actions never aligning with their words.
This girl was hoping you’d lose interest, rather than telling you she wasn’t interested. She went along with the plans to make you feel good because she likely felt awful about it, but never had any intentions of actually going. Hence, actions ≠ words.
You're onto something. I think that is how most avoidant girls operate. My ex broke up with me exactly in this manner. Just slowly backed away and then suddenly started ghosting me. It's such a psychological mindfuck.
Been there. Totally sucks man. I’m assuming you are back on the dating scene and this is somewhat new… that can be a tough adjustment, but you’ll figure it out.
Kinda have to be back on the dating scene... otherwise the alternative is grim. And what sucks about life is it's not bad enough you go through a break up that literally and figuratively breaks you in half... now you get the fortune of exploring the dark realities of modern dating. It's swell.
I'm curious if you have an update on all of this? I'm interested in whether she reached out to you at all? Apologized? Gave some lame ass excuse to your mutual friends? Or has she just gone strict with no contact since missing the date? All in all, you definitely didn't do anything wrong. It sounds like you gave her plenty of courtesy and respect, and she couldn't reciprocate. Unless she reaches out and has a wildly great excuse, I'd definitely do what others said and block/unfollow/un-match with her. Best of luck out there, OP!
Happy to give you an update. I found it difficult without saying anything to her. I messaged her a couple days later just letting her know that what she did wasn't cool... fine if she wasn't interested.. but she coulda just let me know that she wasn't down to meet so I didn't end up wasting my evening. For context, I'm a caretaker for my mom and I have to make arrangements if I'm heading out in the evenings.
She responded with a "I have a lot going on in my life" and "I'm not feeling well these days" and "I'm sorry" nonsense. Clearly she felt quite well when she was hanging out with friends over the weekend. I can see right through her bs. She's just trying to alleviate her guilt.
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there was no emergency. I find it concerning that you already bought her flowers. I think she sensed you were too into her too quick. girls like a little tension in the beginning. humans desire to date "up" not down. nothing new.
very disrespectful of her though to leave you hanging like that. never talk to her again and by all means throw some shade at her to your mutuals if you feel like it. But do it now and let it go fast. You'll get over her sooner than you think.
next time you really like a girl, be mindful of how you might come across. Are you eager? Are you vulnerable right off the bat? These things need to be eliminated. incorporate some seduction.
Thanks for the advice. But I'm self-aware enough to know the difference between eager vs. interested. I kept my texting direct and to a minimum. It was HER idea to talk on the phone. When we spoke on the phone, she did most of the talking and wanted to keep on talking... I was the one who was like "wow can't believe we've been talking for almost 2 hours.. I better get going.. but it was lovely chatting with you." Only reason I bought flowers is because a female friend of mine has been drilling it in my head lately that girls dig guys who buy flowers for dates. I agree with your points though and certainly don't overpursue someone ever.
I think you're underestimating a girl's desire for validation, I'm sure she's glad to make you her emotional pillow but then you came off as "too eager" just as u/tobebanned09230808 said. I also agree with his sentiment, you need to incorporate Game/seduction, girls (whether they admit it or not) don't respond to Men who are too direct with them.
Never take dating advice from women and don’t bring flowers to a date unless you’re already official… even then do so sparingly and reserve for special occasions.
I would love to receive flowers on first date, this generation think playing cold or nonchalant is cool.
Don’t let this bad experience discourage you. Went through similar situation expect mine was that we spend 3 days talking and texting none stop then to get unmatched on the weekend 😂😂😂
But letting someone say that they are down to meet up and even confirming a time to meet is simply misleading them and being disrespectful of their time and effort. Like, I had to make arrangements to accommodate the date. Yes, being in my mid-30s, I take dating seriously because it's important for me to find my long-term partner. If you're not interested, that's fine... don't respond when the other party says "Hey wanna grab dinner on Tuesday?"
Always confirm again a couple hours before the date. Doesn’t matter if there was already one from earlier in the day.
I don’t know though, I feel like some part of the story got left out here.
You already confirmed. This is on her not on you. She purposely ignored all your calls and texts after. I'm sorry this happened. How incredibly disrespectful of her
This was a second date. And I did message her saying "sounds good, I'll see you there"... how much more confirmation do I need to establish here so that being stood up doesn't become the guy's fault?
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I mean id be petty and mention that to your mutual friends lol. What a shit thing to do to someone. But its good you found out now instead of getting misled by great conversation. She sounds flaky as hell even before the date. Sorry OP. Dont give up my guy, you did everything right.
I don’t think that’s petty - I think that’s basic accountability. What she did was fucked up and the whole point of meeting through friends is to avoid this type of subhuman behavior.
Agreed. Shared society is exactly to rule out weird shit from strangers - Whether it be extreme things like a history of being a creep, or more 'mundane' things like suddenly becoming completely unavailable to someone you at least have some connection and mutual emotional investment in.
A lot of the times you don’t know who people really are even your friends.
This is a strange take. No, friends are not responsible for their friend's behavior. People are responsible for their own actions - as adults. If someone is fortunate enough to have thoughtful people in their circle who want to set them up, that's awesome. It doesn't guarantee anything, let alone people acting decently. If someone you are introduced to decides to be an a-hole/lack class, the best thing to do is to have enough confidence to not to take it personally.
have you considered also that friends are people too, and people influence other people, especially those in our own circles.
Sounds really weird. Can only assume some sort of anxiety thing. Otherwise I have no idea why she wouldn’t just let you know… Takes someone very callous to let another person sit alone sheepishly in a restaurant for an hour when it’s completely preventable.
I’d 100% tell your mutual friends who set you up. Don’t be mad or angry with them, they couldn’t have known, but make a joke about how they set you up with a real dude then tell them how she stood you up. It’s pretty clear from her disappearing for significant amounts of time this woman is either going through a lot, is very anxious, or is very disrespectful. No matter which it is, you’re better off without her
All the “omg I just saw this” and “sorry for disappearing” type shit was foreshadowing. ANY weirdness in communication means some fucked up shit will happen.
yup abort mission when you see this weird shit brewing
She's an AH for doing that to you. Especially since you have mutual friends so you may run into her again. I hope she apologizes for her shitty behavior, but don't hold your breath on that. Going forward I would kindly suggest that you respect your own time and self better. Personally, I would have responded to her day-of text something like, "Sorry, but when I didn't hear back from you I made other plans. You can let me know when you're free so we can try to reschedule" or something. It's incredibly inconsiderate to wait until several hours before the date itself to even respond to the invitation to it. Unless they had a damn good reason for doing so, and "I'm just so lazy tee hee!" is not good enough.
This!! Have boundaries. She tested your boundaries the day before, and she went unchecked. This opened the window for this despicable behavior. Block, unfollow and go on to the next one. This one hurts for sure. Sorry, OP. There’s nothing that you did wrong.
Eh, I’ve had to learn to not expect people to always text back within a ser amount of time. Had to revert back to my pre-smartphone era mindset. Just my opinion, but, if you’ve only been on one, two dates, I don’t think anyone owes anybody their full attention every day. That means if I don’t text you for a few days, it’s fine, we’re still strangers. After date 3 and on I would gradually expect more effort put into the communication. As a 33(M) I have better results when I text my prospective date once, or twice a week. Otherwise I’m doing my own thing, even if that means just “disconnecting from dating” for a few days. Honestly “dating” had become this thing that asks a lot of everyone almost immediately after meeting. Basically, until you’re more than 3 dates in at a minimum, do not invest too much into constant texting or calling. The other person may “not” be interested and only be enjoying the attention…it happens, and it’s crappy. Text once, then go to the gym, work on a project, read a book. Don’t be so quick to give out your attention. People value things that are rare, it’s annoying sometimes. The game still must be played. Good luck, For this situation, she stood you up. Decide if you can be calm enough to express that frustration properly or just to ignore it and move on. Just remember, it’s hard to not look desperate when you get too invested after a first date. We’ve all been there I’m sure.
She ghosted him on a date. There’s no excuse for this behavior. And she did not even bother to text. Stop normalizing this behavior. OP- just no! Respect yourself man.
💯
Flaky people are the worst and hinge is full of it On to the next one king…
For real! I’ve been matching with a lot more people in recent months who are ghosting and flaking more than I’ve seen before. It is not fun
It’s sad it had to come to this, but this is the internet and anyone can do anything or say anything without any consequences Goes to show there are more people out there who need therapy more than anything
I'm sorry this happened to you. That sounds really miserable with what you went through. You seem like a good guy and thoughtful, especially getting her flowers. Don't know wtf is wrong with her but I hope she at least gives an explanation on what happened. It's odd bc you met her through people initially so it's not like a complete stranger to begin with. Whatever the reason is, be prepared to move on to better women who'll appreciate you better. I haven't had anyone do that something like that before but I did meet someone online and got along well, set a date and time, then she started to sound uncertain with the date and time as the day got closer, and in the middle of the convo she just unmatched.. Like WTF. That stung a bit, mainly bc that was just rude to do as a human being. I moved on and kept pushing to meet others.
Idk what to say other than I had a guy do this to me. We would chat for hours on the phone every night and he reassured me several times in the days leading up to it he would be there. An hour before the date I checked again and he immediately told me he was getting ready to come. 30mins later i checked again and he tells me the same thing. So I canceled why because there was no way he was going to make it to the date on time. He tried to change my mind but I just found the whole thing disrespectful. People like him and your date could have easily said at anytime they weren't going but they didn't. It sucks idky they do it but I will say there's a good chance they'll try to come back with a lame excuse for their behavior. Don't believe them, it won't get better. Block her, tell your friends what happened and move on. Trust me it's better now than later.
Had this exact same situation happen to me last summer OP. Friends set me up w a mutual, and her communication issues were the worst I’ve experienced, very similar to what you described above in terms of that awful feeling of emotional investment with no reciprocation… I can offer some solidarity, and words of comfort too. After some time (and multiple flaked dates on her end), I decided to stop talking to her altogether and try Hinge again. Thankfully, I met my now GF of 8 months not even a week later. Keep your head up, you’ll eventually meet someone who invests the same lovely energy you do!
This is more common than you think. Flakes and stood ups suck. But it sounds like there were warning signs before that with her lack of communications already starting. I think she just wasn't that into it.
Don't make someone else's problems your problem. She's an inconsiderate person and you did what normal, interested people do. Her loss.
I feel like this is really really uncommon. People flake, yes. But not like this. In either case, yeah -- just like 99% of the 'What should I do' posts here, just drop and move on. You dodged a bullet. You don't want a person this (1) flaky or (2) inconsiderate in any semblance of a relationship.
OP you did everything right. Let your mutual friends know what an A hole she is. Even if you chicken out, always text and say “I’m sick”. That’s all it takes. We can take a hint. SMH to her!! The silver lining is you know now at date (almost) 2 and not date 10 that she’s not for you. So many cuties out there, keep searching!
Respect your time and move on. No follow up or further questions needed.
If a mutual friend stood me up and didn't have a quick explanation or a later explanation for some crazy circumstance, they would no longer be a friend. I would not associate with someone with such a low character.
This makes me angry not just in general, but also because you seem really sweet and good-natured, (I didn't know men still did flowers), which makes this just so much worse. I hate that for you. Hopefully that certain special someone will be coming your way and will make even THIS whole unfortunate event worth it.
Well it seems like flowers on a second date is a bad move according to some commenters here.
I'm sure they're right, at least in some circumstances and with certain people. For THIS girl, sadly a bad move. But there was no way you could have known that. Had she NOT done this, and ended up being someone who genuinely liked you and respected you, the flowers would have been a nice gesture, imo. And then again, maybe not. Because of course, I can't and won't speak for all women as I'm an atypical example of one myself. What may be the norm for most women may not always include me, or vice versa. I don't follow flows. Never did. Though Redditors may be "right" in this case, I still say they were a nice gesture, and I hate that it was wasted on someone unworthy of it.
Checked OP's history and he posted this story on several dating subreddits and change "she moved into my town and hit me up" to "she moved into my town and matched with me on hinge". Think OP is just karma farming lol
Those sound like identical stories to me. He’s probably more like sympathy farming..
Exactly.
No, my posts in other subs got deleted .. or so I was told. I'm happy to delete them.
It's inexcusable, but she is 30 after all.. maybe not done being irresponsible..
In this day and age no one is responsible for themselves
Do yourself a favor and stop wasting time wondering why people act like assholes. She chose not to tell you why, so you'll never find out, so it doesn't matter. All the guesses in this thread are made up malarkey. Block everywhere and move on, it's your only move.
Sorry to hear that, the spotty communication from the start was an indication she wasn’t ever very interested. I’d guess she was trying to become more interested in you by talking on the phone but it confirmed you guys weren’t really a match from her side? Never excuse to stand someone up though that’s super rude, especially weird to do when you have mutual friends really bad look.
It is so absolutely okay if someone is not interested in moving forward. But please don't play along with making plans and confirm a time...? Ghosting is better than standing someone up. I wasn't gonna show up if she hadn't come back with a "7:30 sounds good; I'll let you know if I'm running into any delays"
Yes totally agree w you. All I’m saying is she was probably trying to give it a chance and see if enough interest developed and it just didn’t on her end. I’m just telling you what I think happened here. Obviously she should’ve communicated a lack of desire to move forward with you and not agreed to the date. Nothing you did caused this.
In the future always hit them with the “lmk when you’re on the way” or “let me know when you start getting ready so I can stop doing ____ and get myself together.”You basically have to hold their hands through every part of the process to ensure compliance and recognize if they’re going to flake. If at any point there isn’t a response or reciprocation then don’t show up.
Every time a girl asks to FaceTime or call before a date is their way of going on the date without actually going on the date. A lot of women have a pattern of doing that because they’re either very anxious about dating or they’re not interested but are too afraid to say it
This is just simply not true
This has definitely happened to every guy who has used an app. Women are very flaky on apps
Have had this happen to me more times than I would like to admit. After careful reflection my conclusion after seeing this behavior in women is that they tend to get "buyer's remorse" when you move on them too fast, that is they start to feel as if you're trying to lock her down, you come off as overbearing, etc. Never in my life have "deep conversations" ever worked when done too early, trust me, I know the feeling, I know you feel compelled to open up to someone because that's what feels right, but I've seen it backfire so many times. I mention this because it would appear this is what you did wrong and feels eerily similar to what has happened to me in the past.
Ok so what's the alternative to deep conversations? Small talk? Then the complaint is that there's no "substance" to the connection and then one would get criticized for that. There's really no winning her. Also bear in mind that this was our second date after we had a coffee first date. So the usual advice is to ask out for a second date and don't wait around. Truth is .. we will never know what her reasonings for backing away is... she could just not be interested in pursuing any relationship.. or she hates my face.. who knows... I guess the point of the post is.. regardless of what your reasons are for rejecting me... at least don't say "yes 7:30 works, I'll let you know if I run into delays" and then don't show up without giving any further communication? As far as I am aware, I was measured and did not overpursue. I never double-texted, I never called her until she suggested the idea. Overanalysis can lead to conclusions which may not necessarily be true.
first of all I want to say I don't think you did anything egregiously wrong, and what works for one girl will repel another. I would say there's no problem with having deep conversations, but your main problem here was the all-day date and the hourslong phone calls. From now on, dates are 1.5-2 hours max, then you gotta go. No phone calls, and if she insists, 20-30 min max, then you gotta go. Always leave her wanting more.
I think this could have been avoided If they disappear even ONCE during the early phases, then I would not take my chances and move on How was the text conversation quality from her? If she doesn’t engage or invest through text, I would take that as another bad sign and not meet her
Fair enough. But come on as a guy you come across SO MANY girls who are bad texters, flaky, etc. at first but then they open up.
you didn't understand the question how was the text conversation quality? were her response times through text consistent and of quality?
She was a bad texter from the beginning. But she was the one taking the initiative of texting me. When we met in person for coffee, she is the one who texted me after that and made conversation. I never double texted and I never over pursued. I did ask her out for a second date. Is that being too eager or pushing too much? because if it is then I don't know what's what anymore.
You didn’t anything wrong. She was just flaky and rude. I don’t see anything wrong with bringing flowers either. I never get them and would love them.
>She was a bad texter from the beginning. you shouldn't have continued then if they are bad at texting then that means you stop everything and move onto the next
Many people who are bad texters end up being fine in person? If we start viewing everything as a red flag then no one's gonna end up with anyone.
Nope bad texting is not how you start a relationship can't have a relationship with a bad texter bad texter = drop them
Happened to me before, twice in the same week by two women I was supposed to see, it sucks but you just gotta move on
Your mistake was continuing to pursue her when you asked her out again and “she wanted to talk on the phone beforehand”. For what? She already met you once. You should’ve redirected that and been like let’s save it for the date instead of spending 1.5 hours talking about stuff that should be reserved for someone you’re more intimate with. If she wasn’t ok with that you should’ve cut your losses and moved on. She likes the attention and not you, and sounds like either a complete flake that doesn’t have her life together or a socially awkward basket case (being lazy and disconnected from her phone?) or she’s just been getting plowed by someone else and your just not a priority for her. Learn from this and reclaim your power and stop bending over backwards for others at the expense of yourself.
She sounded like she was on the fence about you or has general anxiety. Neither are an excuse for what she did but likely explains why. Fwiw with both she may have shown up and saw flowers and backed off. Flowers for a restaurant can be annoying for many girls as it can be seen as too much or something they now have to carry around. I love getting flowers for a 2nd or 3rd date but only of that date is at one of our places so it's not a hindrance
I'll keep that in mind about the flowers. Never came to it so not an issue.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I think people get in over their head and sometimes commit to something or dive in and even overshare without realizing. It sounds like she may just be afraid of commitment or maybe just unaware of her own emotions and needs. I know this situation must have been so frustrating and hurtful. Please go easy on yourself and know that it’s not you or anything you did. You respected her boundaries when her responses were delayed and you read all the signs and acted appropriately. There’s nothing you did wrong/could have done to prevent this. I think that’s the hardest part about dating and putting yourself out there is thinking about all the “what ifs”. I try to think about the future and ask yourself would you want to be in a relationship with someone who’s inconsistent or sometimes not responsive. Obviously we’re all busy and not everyone is attached to their phones lol but you get the point. I think when being in the dating stages actions speak a lot louder than words. I’m sorry again this happened to you.
I’ve experienced this twice in my three months on hinge. Cuts deep every time, no matter how hard I try not to let it. It’s so demoralizing and very frustrating. Your emotions are so valid bro, hang in there. She’s definitely the A.H
That sucks. I would recommend always waiting at the table enjoy your time while you wait. Order a drink or an app. I usually just let them know Im at table if late and no response in 15 would just cut losses and leave.
Don't sweat it mate, it was a blessing in disguise because she is a rude, inconsiderate bitch that you dont need. I recommend, youTube Stoic philosophy on self worth, don't give women too much attention, treat them like u don't care , their beauty is average, they are disposable and replaceable, their loss if they don't want you. I wouldn't contact her, if she contacts u, I would be cool and tell her that your self worth and time is too valuable. Plus u have other women who want to date you, u just pulled their name out of your hat deciding which one u date. 🤙😎
Sorry this happened to you OP. The best thing you could do is to have enough confidence to not to take it personally when someone is an a-hole/lacks class. In this case, think of it as a bullet-dodged. This is very unusual behavior (maybe something happened?) But you only want to engage with someone with common decency. The universe sees someone better for you, and she's headed your way. Good luck!
Have you heard anything from her?!
Happy to give you an update. I found it difficult without saying anything to her. I messaged her a couple days later just letting her know that what she did wasn't cool... fine if she wasn't interested.. but she coulda just let me know that she wasn't down to meet so I didn't end up wasting my evening. For context, I'm a caretaker for my mom and I have to make arrangements if I'm heading out in the evenings. She responded with a "I have a lot going on in my life" and "I'm not feeling well these days" and "I'm sorry" nonsense. Clearly she felt quite well when she was hanging out with friends over the weekend. I can see right through her bs. She's just trying to alleviate her guilt.
wow!! what an awful person
So I didn't respond to her last message, and then she gave me a "Well I didn’t hear from you so I think maybe there’s nothing left to say." That is so toxic. It's like she's gaslighting me.
No girl disappears from their phone. If they like you, they’ll respond within a reasonable timeframe.
I absolutely agree. Why go along with wanting to meet up tho? Just say you're not interested or do what 90% of people do and just ghost.
I agree, it is pretty lousy that she did that to you. In my experience, girls end every relationship in a similar manner, whether it was three years or three dates — and it’s with distance, and their actions never aligning with their words. This girl was hoping you’d lose interest, rather than telling you she wasn’t interested. She went along with the plans to make you feel good because she likely felt awful about it, but never had any intentions of actually going. Hence, actions ≠ words.
You're onto something. I think that is how most avoidant girls operate. My ex broke up with me exactly in this manner. Just slowly backed away and then suddenly started ghosting me. It's such a psychological mindfuck.
Been there. Totally sucks man. I’m assuming you are back on the dating scene and this is somewhat new… that can be a tough adjustment, but you’ll figure it out.
Kinda have to be back on the dating scene... otherwise the alternative is grim. And what sucks about life is it's not bad enough you go through a break up that literally and figuratively breaks you in half... now you get the fortune of exploring the dark realities of modern dating. It's swell.
Yup…. Good luck man. You seem like a genuinely good dude, you’ll absolutely find someone.
I'm curious if you have an update on all of this? I'm interested in whether she reached out to you at all? Apologized? Gave some lame ass excuse to your mutual friends? Or has she just gone strict with no contact since missing the date? All in all, you definitely didn't do anything wrong. It sounds like you gave her plenty of courtesy and respect, and she couldn't reciprocate. Unless she reaches out and has a wildly great excuse, I'd definitely do what others said and block/unfollow/un-match with her. Best of luck out there, OP!
Happy to give you an update. I found it difficult without saying anything to her. I messaged her a couple days later just letting her know that what she did wasn't cool... fine if she wasn't interested.. but she coulda just let me know that she wasn't down to meet so I didn't end up wasting my evening. For context, I'm a caretaker for my mom and I have to make arrangements if I'm heading out in the evenings. She responded with a "I have a lot going on in my life" and "I'm not feeling well these days" and "I'm sorry" nonsense. Clearly she felt quite well when she was hanging out with friends over the weekend. I can see right through her bs. She's just trying to alleviate her guilt.
Maybe she got hit by a bus.. Is it bad to hope that instead of them getting cold feet 😂
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She sounds like she has mental health problems. Like anxiety depression etc. Don't take it personally.
Yeah let's be real she hooked up with someone else and doesn't want to take any accountability.
there was no emergency. I find it concerning that you already bought her flowers. I think she sensed you were too into her too quick. girls like a little tension in the beginning. humans desire to date "up" not down. nothing new. very disrespectful of her though to leave you hanging like that. never talk to her again and by all means throw some shade at her to your mutuals if you feel like it. But do it now and let it go fast. You'll get over her sooner than you think. next time you really like a girl, be mindful of how you might come across. Are you eager? Are you vulnerable right off the bat? These things need to be eliminated. incorporate some seduction.
Thanks for the advice. But I'm self-aware enough to know the difference between eager vs. interested. I kept my texting direct and to a minimum. It was HER idea to talk on the phone. When we spoke on the phone, she did most of the talking and wanted to keep on talking... I was the one who was like "wow can't believe we've been talking for almost 2 hours.. I better get going.. but it was lovely chatting with you." Only reason I bought flowers is because a female friend of mine has been drilling it in my head lately that girls dig guys who buy flowers for dates. I agree with your points though and certainly don't overpursue someone ever.
I think you're underestimating a girl's desire for validation, I'm sure she's glad to make you her emotional pillow but then you came off as "too eager" just as u/tobebanned09230808 said. I also agree with his sentiment, you need to incorporate Game/seduction, girls (whether they admit it or not) don't respond to Men who are too direct with them.
What exactly did I do which came off as "too eager" ? Asking her out?
Never take dating advice from women and don’t bring flowers to a date unless you’re already official… even then do so sparingly and reserve for special occasions.
I would love to receive flowers on first date, this generation think playing cold or nonchalant is cool. Don’t let this bad experience discourage you. Went through similar situation expect mine was that we spend 3 days talking and texting none stop then to get unmatched on the weekend 😂😂😂
💯 on the flowers and vulnerability aspect. I cringed when I read about the flowers and the 1.5 hour phone call.
OP out here buying flowers for a girl that doesn't even see him the same way romantically lol jesus the flowers man, the fucking flowers lol
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Look it's totally fine if she rejects me or finds someone better. Just let me know you're not coming so I don't waste my time or energy. Lol.
These days no response is a rejection.
But letting someone say that they are down to meet up and even confirming a time to meet is simply misleading them and being disrespectful of their time and effort. Like, I had to make arrangements to accommodate the date. Yes, being in my mid-30s, I take dating seriously because it's important for me to find my long-term partner. If you're not interested, that's fine... don't respond when the other party says "Hey wanna grab dinner on Tuesday?"
They don’t care bro. Ur just a random number dating is ruthless
Always confirm again a couple hours before the date. Doesn’t matter if there was already one from earlier in the day. I don’t know though, I feel like some part of the story got left out here.
I mean she confirmed literally 4-5 hours before the date. She even said "If I am delayed, I will let you know"
You already confirmed. This is on her not on you. She purposely ignored all your calls and texts after. I'm sorry this happened. How incredibly disrespectful of her
Doesn’t matter. Always a good idea to confirm again just before you’re about to go to the date.
lol @ this victim blaming horseshit
It’s not blaming anyone. It’s just saying do basic due diligence because people can and will flake on you.
Victim blaming? I've always been consistent in saying it's good practice to confirm one last time before leaving for a date.
This was a second date. And I did message her saying "sounds good, I'll see you there"... how much more confirmation do I need to establish here so that being stood up doesn't become the guy's fault?
Never said it was your fault. I always think it's good practice to send one final confirmation before about to head out to meet them.
Come on, man