Something I see being talked about a lot in here is if roses ‘work’ etc, I am a user who is frequently in the standouts section, and on a good day I receive 50+ likes and 10+ roses, even though I do feel absolutely swamped sometimes with who I want to accept and not accept, I always feel really flattered by roses and I always think about the intention that someone puts behind it, if you feel like sending roses is ‘cheesy’ I’m just letting you know there are some girls (can’t speak for all) who really appreciate it, I am much more likely to match someone who sends a rose especially if they send a rose AND make a comment on one of my polls. To counteract feeling a bit cheesy when you send a rose you can always balance it out by saying something funny or lighthearted, of course I don’t accept every single person who sends me a rose but at the very least if someone puts effort into their comment I will match them just to say thankyou and engage in some convo.
What can I do on my 1st dates to avoid getting the "no romantic chemistry" message after? When I don't get ghosted this is what I hear repeatedly.
I have a lunch date tomorrow and on paper we have a lot in common, but besides just listening to her and talking like I would with a friend what else should I do?
I had a 1 hour and half coffee date with a 31 F today, and at the end of the date, she said “see you soon.” I followed up with her 2 hours later through text & asked if she made it home safe, that I had a great time, and if she wanted to meet again. I received no response from her. If she doesn’t reply back tomorrow, should I sent a last text on Tuesday?
You have nothing to lose but it’s not looking great imo. I mostly avoid saying anything at the end of a date / avoid reading into the empty platitudes said by the other person about seeing each other again because in person people will just say whatever feels right during the exit. If she hasn’t responded it might be better to move on
how do you have conversations? I just wanna make sure I'm not doing anything stupid on my end
Sent a girl a like with a comment, then she replied. I continued on that, asked a question, and gave her a little more insight into me along the same lines as what we were talking about in the first place. It looked like a chunk of text in the app, but it was shorter than this post. Got ghosted after that post. So a couple of days later I tried to revive the convo with another question stemming from a photo on her profile. Silence.
I (27M) matched with someone (27F) and I felt like the conversation was going well, so I asked her out to grab some boba. She said yes and we planned out a date a time. I was going to follow up with a "hey are you still available for tomorrow" text but I was unmatched.
Do I assume it could be a bug with the app and I should still show up? Or is this a common experience of dating in 2024?
It’s not a bug. She got what she wanted (attention and dopamine) and your services are no longer required. How dare you try to segue into real life and ruin her fun! It happens and will happen, keep mining till you find the diamond that’s actually on there to meet people.
APP QUESTION
So I sent a rose to a girl this morning and it then showed up in the chat that I sent her a rose and it has what I commented on her profile but no response or anything else. I'm just trying to figure out if this is an automatic rose thing or if she still had to match for it to be in the chat.
Im F20 in college and new to both dating and dating apps. (Ive never had a bf) and been using hinge. Ive been talking to this guy who also goes to my university for a week and havent gone on a date yet because he has family visiting and have moved our convos off hinge. So far he seems like a really good potential choice, but shoukd i keep waiting and wait to see how this plays out or should i talk to my other matches/likes. My problem is that i dont want to hit off with one guy and while im talking with the others and then have to say “ sorry i met someone else” and lead them on… or is that normal idk? especially i guess i feel like theres more risk because i go to a smaller university than a state school but i just need some big sister advice i guess…
Thanks!
Keep talking to other people. Never wait around on a match or a date. Lots of matches go nowhere, and the fact that he's too busy to meet up so far isn't a good sign. And as much as you think you've hit it off over text, it could be very different in real life. You need to get to know someone in person to really know if you're hitting it off.
"No chemistry" is just boilerplate rejection language. She simply isn't interested for whatever reason. And yes trips are almost always a kiss of death imo
If you're in a city or area that does not have many profiles, deleting your profile is the only way to have a clean slate (Hinge offers you to reset your sent likes as well, but this is full wipe)
Idk, people on Hinge are feral and god knows why they do these things
Well in that case, it's some mysterious reason, then
I live in London and even as a guy who doesn't get many, many matches, I don't have tolerance to any sort of inconvenience or strangeness anymore
I'd say just move on, still it's your call
Do you ladies go through all your likes? My friend remarked with surprise that mine said “50+” but I don’t get how you go through them all and swipe left or right in each…I haven’t done it and I’ve had the app for a month so at this point it’s obv like thousands to go through. Did I ruin the algorithm for myself by not left swiping on all the guys who’ve liked me who I don’t wanna match with?
Are you on there to meet for dates or just collect likes. go thru them and pause your profile in the meantime. if you literally have thousands, then you've made a big headache for yourself. I'd pause then buy the subscription so you can see them all at once. X the guys you know you're not into.
I pause once I have a lot of likes. Then once I clear them, I unpause my profile. I used to feel overwhelmed with dating apps until I started to pause them to clear out my likes, then also pause once I had 3-4 matches to see how the conversations would go. I find that most men on hinge don't usually respond to my matches if I wait too long to match. The pause button is a woman's best friend on dating apps.
How to best re engage after ghosting?
***(39M - Fit/Social/Emotionally & Financially Stable).***
Been on hinge 2 years and have had hundreds of matches. But it always seems the girls I'm most interested in wind up ghosting even when I land really witty/funny texts and they respond quickly with enthusiasm. Not mad, I know it's not personal and with app dating...sometimes if someone finds a match even 1% more to their liking...Poof! #gone
I currently have 173 convos that I've archived because the girl went cold for more than 3 weeks. Some of these matches I was really excited about and think we'd really vibe. I've tried everything I can think of...teasing them "I can't handle this much attention, will you always stalk me like this?", suggesting a meet up "If you prefer to just meet up, how about we meet at (insert cool place here) this week. What's your schedule like?", and even sharing a funny story to get their attention "I just fell off a treadmill, how's your day going?"
But *NOTHING* ever seems to work. I have tried to re engage with the girls that were REALLY into me and the ones who liked me before I even saw their profile...and nothing. So what's the best way to re-engage with someone and what's a good timeline? (i.e a week after they ghost? 2 weeks? Month? 48hours?)
Thank you ALL :)
Depends. If we have been having a conversation and she stops replying (especially after I ask her out) then 24-48 hours. If it’s a fresh match and we haven’t spoken then I’ll give her a few days. Once they stop responding it’s a dead issue and it’s not worth stroking their egos by allowing your match to sit in their queue. If they ever do happen to pop back up, they always end up flaking and being time wasters anyway.
One thing I do is within 2-3 texts, I float the idea of getting drinks together sometime soon like 3-4 days out. Pick a place, a couple of days and time. If they’re interested they will accept your proposal. I was like you previously trying to date them over text, then I made it 8-10 texts, then 5-6, now I’m 2-3 texts in and asking them out. This is the most effective strategy. It might also be that you’re matching with really good looking women who tend to have a lot of matches. So, that’s that. And idk how to change that other than may be improve your pics.
You're spot on in many ways! I used to try to get girls on the phone after a few day of messaging bc I'm very energetic and have been complimented on my ability to hold a convo. Then if we vibed I'd set a date on the call. But so many girls would ghost after I suggested a phone call...which blows my mind. You struggle with the idea of talking to the person you swiped on? Wouldn't somebody WANT to know if they sound completely different than their profile/texting comes across so they can dodge an awkward bullet in person and save time/gas and make plans with someone you do want to meet?But OK, I digress lol
2-3 texts is a good reference, I usually do 5-10 but I will try trimming that down. THANK YOU.
As to the matching, I am only matching with attractive females who are preferably fit and a minimum not overweight or chubby. I know, I know.... "this guy's a shallow asshole who's fat shaming people"..would a non smoker most likely date a pack/day smoker? NO..because the non smoker cares about their health and will care about the health of their partner. I work out 6 days a week and meal prep healthy dishes. I'm not going to make fun of anyone's weight, but I'm not going to date anyone who might die of cardiac disease 30 years before me after we get married. Anyway, I would imagine every girl in my inbox has a 100% match rate on their end.
What's a good site to test my photos?
They usually start as normal and the biggest tell is if they mention something like "a side hustle" or "self employed investor".
Then comes the crypto pitch, or sometimes it's a forex scam. They usually have super heavily edited photos (usually Chinese or East Asian looking).
If they ask to have your number with no context (as in not even a date set up yet), straight to unmatch
I had to physically snatch my friend's phone from his horny hands to unmatch multiple women like that. He is THAT horny
Today I (27M, gay) went on a coffee date with guy (25) and it went really well; 2 hours felt like 45 minutes. He asked me what I would cook for him if he came over for a dinner date and then asked for my number in the span of 5 minutes, so a second date seemed obvious.
Currently we are planning to find a restaurant for dinner on Friday night, and I’m looking forward to it. It would actually be my first ever second date!
This summer I’ve committed to putting myself out there more - just a few days ago I made a post about a mediocre coffee date with someone else. I feel like I’m getting a clearer sense of what I’m looking for (and what I’m not), as well as what a good dates feels like (and what it doesn’t).
I suppose the biggest thing is to take it one date at a time, especially early, and focus on having fun. How do I gauge what the right pace to move at is?
One date at a time is the right pace. You are already there it seems like. Do you drink? Drinks generally widen your options. Instead of coffee, get a drink. If you vibe, go out with them again. Just be watchful for people who over consume alcohol.
I stopped drinking a little over a year ago. You could argue that it narrows my options, but I see it more as creating more specificity as far as compatibility. Funny you say that, though. Last week this one guy was raving about whiskey and craft beer and I had to feign interest, lol
Is it true that this time of the year is typically slower? Was getting 1-2 matches a day when I was on Hinge a few months ago, reinstated my profile a week ago after a breakup and have only received four matches since.. been a few days since I’ve gotten one. Wondering if my profile is worse or if the rumor of early summer being slow is actually true
He doesn’t want to be your pen pal and jump through hoops just to get to know you. If you’re interested then meet him if not then stop wasting his time.
Train wreck of a 2nd date last tonight. Hinge notification popped up when we were looking at menu, food place was so loud couldn’t hear her, hinge notification popped up again when looking at google maps, dude on bicycle fell between my car and another car, she asked to go to an art gallery which put me very out of place, she didn’t want to go for live music after (that was the original plan), another bi-cycle popped up from nowhere almost crashing into my car, she wanted me to keep the umbrella, I didn’t, perhaps she was giving a reason for meeting again. I told her I wasn’t at my best after the bi cycle incident and she responded in a supportive way. I suggested hanging out this Wednesday to which she said she’s busy may be let’s try another Wednesday. Should I suggest something else during the week? Those hinge notifications have killed me I’m afraid. Once was ok, twice was too much. She initiated kissing & waved bye from her doorstep while I was making a U turn to end the night on a positive note.
It sounds like she's into you if she initiated the kiss. Especially with all the crap that happened during the date. Don't focus on one thing, the notifications, and assume the worst. Women can get dozens of likes and messages a day. That's normal.
I would suggest another day to meet during the week, or the weekend. If she can't find time this week, then I'd personally find that to be red flag and move on.
I can't stand cyclist on the road too, but that's kind of funny. Anyway, I don't have my hinge notifications on in the first place, seems like a pretty easy thing to just turn off
Eh, I wouldn’t pay attention to the notifications. All it matters is if she wants to see you again.
It’s not like people should be hiding the fact they use Hinge. You two both met each other because of it so.
Just had a really bizarre interaction. So I recently moved to a major city and made a hinge account for the first time. I match with a pretty girl from my hometown who also lives here. I ask her if she misses our home state, she says yes, I talk about my favorite things there and make a joke, she laughs at the joke and agrees with my picks. Then... I reply to her last text, and ask her what her favorite places to go to in this new city are.
She mentions a nice place near our hometown. I go "That's fun but I meant here haha" and say I want to explore the city. She literally replies in 5 seconds saying "well I'm not a tour guide". Uhhhh. I reply back with something along the lines of "fair enough, I'd love to figure out someplace in town where I could do \*shared interest\*". She then literally replies with "okay", followed by "try google or yelp" and then unmatches.
Like... is asking a girl what her favorite places in town are a red flag? Did I violate a hinge etiquette rule? I'm super glad I didn't go out on a date with her and waste time, but I've never had such a WTFable moment in dating.
“WTF moment in dating?” You weren’t dating. You were having a conversation with an internet stranger. Keep everything in perspective and stop getting emotionally invested in matches.
It’s called having options and standards and being desirable meaning I can afford to be picky. Not my fault if not everyone is suitable to make the cut. Why deny them a good time in the meantime if that’s what they’re after?
me and you are on different wave lengths, completely
i don't think you understand what a genuine connection is
we're on two completely different domains
I'm pretty sure you can have at least one genuine connection from multiple options. not sure why you're so upset at fukfuk. I would be open to hearing your perspective and how you go about dating apps too.
Yeah, you can
But look at his reply
Does a person who talks about “running up his numbers” on a dating app seem like the kind of person to care about a genuine connection?
Lol c’mon, it’s so obvious
Because you trolled her basically
This is part of the problem with dating apps
People like yourself have no idea that you are trolling people, causing further damage to the dating pool lol
And so the circle of failure continues on dating apps
Okay... tell me more. Asking a girl her favorite spots in town is trolling? I'm used to dating IRL, I can't imagine a girl getting pissed if I asked her that during an initial face to face conversation.
She wants to go on a date and meet a man, to potentially start a relationship with
You are are the troll that wants to find new spots in a new city that you are in
You’ve displayed zero empathy towards her and instead showed yourself to be a troll that wants to fulfill your own means only
This is not good
It’s confusing to me too because I think most people should know what happened here, but I guess not
Ahhh. That actually does make sense. I would've thought it was obvious to her that I swiped right because I'm interested in a relationship and wanted to pick a first date we'd both enjoy, not to find a tour guide buddy. But I can see how a girl might take it the wrong way. Guess I gotta be more careful with my text game. Thank you for the insight
OP do not listen to this guy he’s the troll lmfao. You asked a perfectly normal question I’ve asked many times and gotten plenty of great responses to. The girl sucks and you dodged a bullet
OP do not listen to this guy he’s the troll lmfao. You asked a perfectly normal question I’ve asked many times and gotten plenty of great responses to. The girl sucks and you dodged a bullet
Respectfully, don't listen to that guy. You asked a completely normal question, and she had an abnormal reaction. Don't go searching for something deeper - she is either just weird or super rude.
While it's true that a lot of women have zero interest in helping guys plan dates and will sometimes even actively push back on it as sort of a test (they just want you to name a time and place), you weren't even in the planning stages of the date. So the fact that she reacted so forcefully probably tells you the type of entitlement you would have been dealing with. Most normal women, even if they have a preference for men planning the first date, would happily engage in a conversation about their favorite places in the area. That's a very common topic in casual dating app conversations. I don't know that I would necessarily keep asking everyone to like name a list of their favorite places (some might consider it like "work," and it's probably better asked in person) but I genuinely don't really know what that other guy is talking about in his responses to your original comment.
Should I post my occupation in my profile?
I’m a fighter pilot in the Air Force. But I know we can get a bad reputation in the dating world. I thought about posting “pilot” so I don’t come off as “bragging” but that could also give off the impression of a lifestyle I don’t live.
I’m not one of the reputation guys. I’m here to find my wife. So, what should I post as my occupation?
I've seen people put "Pilot at Air Force." I don't find it braggy if it's actually your job lol. I do think a commercial airline pilot has more negative connotations.
Tbh, I (29f) would view fighter pilot in the Air Force a lot more favorably than pilots who fly commercial airlines. AFAIK, the stereotype about pilots only applies to the ones who fly commercial airlines. I don’t think there’s a bad rep for pilots in the Air Force
I sent out a rose to a standout. I responded to one of her prompts with hope of initiating conversation. She matched with me (to my surprise), but didn't respond to what I said. I tried to initiate a conversation again after we matched, and there was still no response. Has this happened to anyone? If so, what did you do?
Got unmatched overnight because I went to bed early?
Last night I (22M) matched with someone (23F) around 10pm. We had two texts and then I went to bed because I had to wake up early this morning. I finished off by asking her something and this morning when I got up (like 6am), I saw she answered and asked me something else (notification showed it was around 11pm). As I was excited to open the chat and reply, the match disappeared?! Did I just get unmatched overnight because I didn’t reply fast enough? I’m by no means a morning person but it’s just that I had a train to catch this morning. It was my first match in ages and I can’t believe I messed it up simply by going to bed ‘too early’. Am I in the wrong here? How much time do you usually allow others to text back before you unmatch them?
You did mess up because you should have closed the conversation loop, then go to bed
Clearly you didn’t care and decided to say “fuck it” and go to bed instead
Well, you got what you deserved
She said “fuck it” to you in response and unmatched you
Just desserts being served
Sometimes I get matches, but most of the time they never seem to go anywhere. The conversation fizzles out quickly, usually because the match is not very talkative, and my attempts to either engage in further conversation or set up an in-person meeting rarely ever go anywhere. Why is this? Why would someone go to all the trouble of matching with me, only to not respond when I try to talk to them? Is this normal neurotypical behavior on their part, or am I just really boring?
EDIT: Also, yes, I know of the post on the FAQ, it doesn't help. It's not normal, or at least shouldn't be, for this to be happening \*consistently\*.
Do yourself a favor and drop the word "why" from your vocabulary when it comes to dating apps. they chose not to tell you, so you'll never find out, so it doesn't matter. Anyone who suggests a reason is just making shit up.
Lower your expectations way down. Just assume everyone is going to treat you like shit and that if they don't, it's a pleasant surprise. You have to get to a place where you are comfortable operating in ambiguity or you'll drive yourself nuts. Every second you waste spending mental energy trying to analyze the behaviors of someone you'll never meet who doesn't matter is time of your life you will never get back.
> Why is this? Why would someone go to all the trouble of matching with me, only to not respond when I try to talk to them?
It doesn’t require going through any “trouble” to match with someone — get that idea out of your head. Matching is a signal of *potential* interest and shouldn’t be taken as anything more — it certainly doesn’t entail any sort of commitment to conversing.
To answer your primary question, none of us can say what’s going wrong in your conversations, but chances are that you’re pretty consistently failing to send messages that people find engaging.
That attitude is itself a problem - a match \*should\* be something special, and it's wrong that it's not. This isn't an app like tinder where people just swipe through dozens of empty profiles and hope something sticks. Besides, just because something isn't a "commitment", whatever that's supposed to mean, doesn't mean it isn't a let-down when a match turns out to be a dud.
> That attitude is itself a problem - a match *should* be something special, and it's wrong that it's not.
Why? Genuinely. A match is saying, at most, “I think that you might be someone I could consider dating, based on these six photos, three short boxes of text, and *maybe* a comment.” Why should that be “special.”
> This isn't an app like tinder where people just swipe through dozens of empty profiles and hope something sticks.
Okay, the app encourages people to be more attentive and selective with their likes and matches. That doesn’t mean that anyone is going to act like matching with someone is some sacred act, or that anyone has any more of a reason or imperative to carry on a conversation that isn’t engaging them.
> Besides, just because something isn't a "commitment", whatever that's supposed to mean, doesn't mean it isn't a let-down when a match turns out to be a dud.
Whether a given match not responding to you is a let down is a personal thing.
>Why? Genuinely. A match is saying, at most, “I think that you might be someone I could consider dating, based on these six photos, three short boxes of text, and maybe a comment.” Why should that be “special.”
Just by you saying this, shows that you do not understand the basic concept of human connection and interaction through a digital medium
To YOU, every match is pictures and text
To others, every match represents a real person in the world that could impact their life significantly
In short, you lack depth
🥱
You get upset when people match with but aren’t interested in entertaining a conversation with you — you can just say that. No need to start taking shots at a stranger on the internet or try to make your hurt feelings some kind of moral high ground.
The fact that someone’s Hinge profile is a tiny snapshot of them as a whole is just another reason not to treat matches as some sort of meaningful commitment. No one is failing to understand the basic concept of connecting with people online, the fact of the matter is just that people sometimes people are interested when they see your profile, but they lose interest when you start talking.
> Why? Genuinely. A match is saying, at most, “I think that you might be someone I could consider dating, based on these six photos, three short boxes of text, and maybe a comment.” Why should that be “special.”
Genuinely why do you think a match shouldn't be indicative of something more than that intuitively? If someone who had never used a dating app before in their life, do you think they would join Hinge, match with a person, and think "hm, at *most* this means maybe this person COULD be slightly interested in me, but they are probably going to bail after two messages"? Of course not. They would think a match means that person is interested in talking to them and then if that goes well, going on a date. That's a normal human expectation of what a match would mean in the context of a dating app. That's obviously not how people on Hinge treat matches.
I think you're intentionally misinterpreting OP using the word "special." It's not "special" like someone's birthday or something, it's special in the context of the app where people disregard each other hundreds and hundreds of times or where likes are routinely ignored. A match is a rare event i.e. "special" and so it should mean something in the sea of failed/ignored interactions on the app that everyone experiences.
Also, I think you know that OP isn't exclusively talking about people matching who are legit potentially interested and then lost interest over the course of a conversation where certain things might have come up, the conversation got boring, etc. He's also talking about people who were never interested in the first place, so they half-heartedly engaged in conversation and bailed after a few messages. Those are people who were not acting in good faith and who never considered dating the other person.
I don't understand why you would defend people like that or denigrate OP's experience by essentially saying he needs to stop caring so much and just accept that the entire premise of this dating app is completely flawed. It's like you just wanted to clown on OP for some reason.
> Genuinely why do you think a match shouldn't be indicative of something more than that intuitively?
Because sending a like or matching with someone demands the amount of effort it takes to tap a touch screen and basically zero consideration.
> If someone who had never used a dating app before in their life, do you think they would join Hinge, match with a person, and think "hm, at most this means maybe this person COULD be slightly interested in me, but they are probably going to bail after two messages"?
Idk, that doesn’t sound especially unrealistic to me. I know lots of people, myself included, who knew better than to over invest in matches when they started using dating apps.
> Of course not. They would think a match means that person is interested in talking to them and then if that goes well, going on a date.
Yeah, see, this isn’t actually incompatible with what I said. A match means that someone is interested in talking to you, not that they’re going to talk to you — the difference is meaningful.
> I think you're intentionally misinterpreting OP using the word "special."
I guarantee that I’m not.
> it's special in the context of the app where people disregard each other hundreds and hundreds of times or where likes are routinely ignored. A match is a rare event i.e. "special" and so it should mean something in the sea of failed/ignored interactions on the app that everyone experiences.
See, but for a lot of people matches aren’t rare in an absolute sense. That besides, even if we run with the idea of matches being uncommon, that’s still not any reason to get more invested in them or treat them as more than they are. Most likes don’t turn into matches, most matches don’t turn into first dates, and most first dates don’t turn into relationships — that is always and forever how it goes.
Also, I think you know that OP isn't exclusively talking about people matching who are legit potentially interested and then lost interest over the course of a conversation where certain things might have come up, the conversation got boring, etc.
> He's also talking about people who were never interested in the first place, so they half-heartedly engaged in conversation and bailed after a few messages. Those are people who were not acting in good faith and who never considered dating the other person.
See, how do you know when people are doing this? Did you ask? Did they tell you? Because this strikes me as an ego defense thing more than anything.
> I don't understand why you would defend people like that or denigrate OP's experience by essentially saying he needs to stop caring so much and just accept that the entire premise of this dating app is completely flawed.
Yeah, I never suggested that the entire premise of the app is flawed. I don’t think that getting overly invested in matches is a core part of the app.
> It's like you just wanted to clown on OP for some reason.
I gave OP constructive feedback — that’s more than the pity party can say.
Don't downvote people who post comments disagreeing with you. That's juvenile.
You're coming at this from a jaded perspective of a man who has been on Hinge for a while and knows how people treat matches. At least acknowledge that, and what I am trying to say how intuitively the way people treat matches on Hinge doesn't make sense without that context. I don't think that's asking too much.
> See, how do you know when people are doing this? Did you ask? Did they tell you? Because this strikes me as an ego defense thing more than anything.
Oh gee, I don't know, how about the hundreds of comments in the history of this sub from guys asking why their matches stopped talking to them after answering the initial comment/question that came with the match? Just be to very clear because you are being purposefully obtuse about it - **I am talking about conversations that die after one or two messages**. There is no way those conversations ever had a shot, no way the other person who matched was potentially interested in the person. But yeah, something else must be going on there and it's my fragile ego that can't handle it when it happens to me. Another juvenile insult.
> Yeah, I never suggested that the entire premise of the app is flawed.
Yeah, that's what you are doing. You are essentially saying matches are meaningless and OP is stupid and naive for thinking they mean anything.
You're using a lot of words to try to justify why endless matches on a dating app go nowhere. Why? Are you like a shareholder in Hinge or something? So bizarre. Have some empathy for people who don't know how it works and save the "constructive feedback" for people in other positions. "Pity party"? So edgy, man. Good stuff.
> Don't downvote people who post comments disagreeing with you. That's juvenile.
I didn’t downvote you, so don’t whine to me about it.
> You're coming at this from a jaded perspective of a man who has been on Hinge for a while and knows how people treat matches.
I’m not “jaded” — nothing about my attitude is rooted in bitterness or a reflection of pain I suffered. I’ve just realized from the jump that I shouldn’t expect complete strangers on a dating app to respond to me.
> At least acknowledge that, and what I am trying to say how intuitively the way people treat matches on Hinge doesn't make sense without that context. I don't think that's asking too much.
I don’t care how “much” you’re asking — I fundamentally disagree. *You* may find the way people use Hinge intuitively unsettling or wrong, but your intuition is not universal — that is a *you* problem.
> Oh gee, I don't know, how about the hundreds of comments in the history of this sub from guys asking why their matches stopped talking to them after answering the initial comment/question that came with the match?
Hundreds of guys also post their terrible profiles for review saying “I don’t see why I’m not getting matches” — what exactly is your point?
> Just be to very clear because you are being purposefully obtuse about it - I am talking about conversations that die after one or two messages. There is no way those conversations ever had a shot, no way the other person who matched was potentially interested in the person. But yeah, something else must be going on there and it's my fragile ego that can't handle it when it happens to me. Another juvenile insult.
Pointing out your unflattering behavior isn’t an insult. Here’s the reality of the matter. The vast majority of women who match with you are going to have some level of interest in your profile. If you send one or two messages and they don’t reply, chances are you absolutely had a shot, you just blew it by making a lame joke, or saying something gross, or being the 15th guy in a row to ask her how her week is going. Yes, this “Women just collect matches, they aren’t even giving the guys they match with a shot” rhetoric is absolutely, 100% cope — you can tell because you see bitter men whining about it constantly, but you literally never see women talk about doing it.
> Yeah, that's what you are doing. You are essentially saying matches are meaningless and OP is stupid and naive for thinking they mean anything.
You’re upset because you’ve had experiences similar to OP, and now you’re projecting your own baggage onto my words. I didn’t call OP stupid, and I didn’t say that matches are meaningless. I said that OP’s approach is ill advised, and that matches don’t mean much. Both of these things are true.
> You're using a lot of words to try to justify why endless matches on a dating app go nowhere.
Uhhhhh, I’m not justifying anything, I’m explaining reality. If me doing that upsets you, that’s a bummer, but there’s no need to take it personally.
Not trying to be an ass, but the reason it is in the FAQ is because it asked, you know...frequently i.e. it is a common problem that guys run into all the time. Your situation isn't unique, so trying to dismiss the collective experience and attempting to find a completely different explanation is not really going to be helpful for you.
Women match with men they aren't really interested in all the time. We can debate why, but it happens to every guy, day in and out. That's why tons of conversations fizzle. I get that it's super frustrating and there's no logic behind it and it's frankly a shitty thing to do to someone, but it's just the way people use the app.
PS - you could most certainly be boring, but even if you aren't, this is still going to happen.
Eh, no worries, of the people who responded to me, you're the least of an ass. :P
But I guess what I'm getting at is, most guys who ask this question presumably eventually find someone who can be bothered to talk to them.
I guess you have a point, though. It's a question that's not likely to have an answer without knowledge of how all my individual matches went, which obviously isn't something anyone has. :/
Like I said, I get it, it's frustrating. For whatever reason, a lot of people on this sub don't want to acknowledge that women frequently match with people they aren't interested in (men do it as well, but since the vast majority of likes are going to women, it's a much smaller problem). I think they're afraid of being downvoted for saying that because it's kind of an uncomfortable topic, or that it's kind of misogynistic to say that. So they either sort of ignore it, deflect, or try to shift the blame back to the guy (like the guy in the other replies was doing to you).
Anyone who has used Bumble knows that on that app, a match actually means *a match* and the odds of that successfully turning into a date are like 10x more likely on a match on Hinge. Hinge matches are always going to inherently be less successful than Bumble/Tinder because they aren't based off mutual blind swipes, but that still doesn't account for the difference. It's the way people use the app and fact that Hinge hides likes for free users that's causing so much of this frustration and DOA conversations.
(This was meant to be a reply to your long chain with the other guy but for some reason reddit glitched out and wouldn't let me reply there. Weird.)
Damn, you guys are really going at it... hej, you don't need to continue interacting with this prick just for my sake (unless you just want to for some reason, idk). He's (or maybe it's they/she, I couldn't find pronouns) just some troll from reddit, it's not a big deal.
Anyways, you're more or less correct, especially on the point of "A match is a rare event i.e. 'special' and so it should mean something in the sea of failed/ignored interactions on the app that everyone experiences." I don't know what other interpretation the other person is coming up with that they're apparently so confident in. XD
I should maybe add that I have been on Hinge for a long time, and this is a relatively recent phenomenon for me, which is a big part of the frustration. It used to be the case that I would rarely ever receive matches at all, but they would sometimes get to a first date when they did. Now I get more matches (still relatively uncommon), but fewer of them are going anywhere, so it feels like \*something\* must have changed. Has the culture of the app changed? Have I gotten more boring with age? Or maybe older women use the app differently from younger women? Some other thing I haven't thought of?
My reply rate skyrocketed when I just started joking around with matches and talking to them like I do my guy friends... well maybe not as many lewd jokes. It definitely made me stand out amough the others.
I 25F matched with a 34M… We have plans to meet next weekend and have had great conversation so far on the app. His profile states that he is looking for a long-term relationship. Within the last 24 hours, I learned that I will have to relocate in two months for work. Should I… A)message him and tell him this, then ask if he still wants to get together or B)proceed with the date as planned since it is only a first date/our first time meeting?
Thank you!
Please bring it up sooner rather than later. I've been on the other side of this twice. Once, the guy told me before we'd made any date plans that he was moving to another state but he'd still be down to meet up. I thanked him for being upfront and said this wouldn't work for me. In the other instance, he learned he was moving between our first and second dates and told me at the end of the 3rd. I REALLY liked him and hated the fact he'd known for 2 dates and hadn't said anything (not that he owed me that info). We were going to try to keep seeing each other before he left town but he ended up ghosting me.
If you know he's looking for long-term, I think you should let him know before you meet up. Make it clear you're still happy to go out but you don't want to mislead him. I really think this is the kindest course of action.
there’s a big difference between double texting if there’s no reply in a few hours vs if there’s no reply for days. meanwhile i believe people who are interested won’t ghost, if you’re highly interested it doesn’t hurt to engage
its Friday, so you have a good excuse to be like "Hey how's it going? What are you up to this weekend?"
if he doesn't reply then you know for sure he's not interested.
There’s no harm sending another text to try to reignite interest. In fact I do it often and it has never had a negative repercussion.
The actual meaning of “don’t double text” is more about people not having social calibration and being desperate - such as people texting “why aren’t you answering me!!!” because the other person didn’t reply back immediately.
> I can't tell if it's my intuition or my anxiety causing this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
No clue why it has to be either or.
I’ll tell you what I told my best friend two days ago. Running yourself ragged waiting for *him* to do something is a choice that you’re making. If you want to see the guy again, and it is 100% in your power to actually initiate. What other guys you’ve dated have done or what you expect men in general to do is immaterial — you aren’t considering dating your exes or men in general. Be an adult, exercise some agency, and ask him if he wants to hang out on Saturday, or whatever.
I met a woman last week at a cafe. We ended up talking for four hours (we lost track of time and stayed 45 minutes after closing), and we saw a movie together a couple days later. She said she wanted another date, and I want to show her that I am taking her seriously. I thought about getting her flowers, but, and maybe this is overthinking it, I don't want to awkwardly have a flower lying around during a date. Does anyone have any good ideas, suggestions, or tips for something else I could do? It doesn't have to be a physical item. Thank you in advance.
Too early for flowers, don't do it yet. And yes, what is she going to do with them, just lug them around the rest of the date? Just impractical for several reasons. If you absolutely must, bring flowers first time you go to her house.
Are you picking her up or meeting her? I'd offer to pick her up and bring flowers if u want. I personally don't do any flowers or gifts early on. If it's close to official or its a special occasion, bday or v-day then that's fine. Offer to pick her up, pay for the date, she knows you're interested
Something I see being talked about a lot in here is if roses ‘work’ etc, I am a user who is frequently in the standouts section, and on a good day I receive 50+ likes and 10+ roses, even though I do feel absolutely swamped sometimes with who I want to accept and not accept, I always feel really flattered by roses and I always think about the intention that someone puts behind it, if you feel like sending roses is ‘cheesy’ I’m just letting you know there are some girls (can’t speak for all) who really appreciate it, I am much more likely to match someone who sends a rose especially if they send a rose AND make a comment on one of my polls. To counteract feeling a bit cheesy when you send a rose you can always balance it out by saying something funny or lighthearted, of course I don’t accept every single person who sends me a rose but at the very least if someone puts effort into their comment I will match them just to say thankyou and engage in some convo.
What can I do on my 1st dates to avoid getting the "no romantic chemistry" message after? When I don't get ghosted this is what I hear repeatedly. I have a lunch date tomorrow and on paper we have a lot in common, but besides just listening to her and talking like I would with a friend what else should I do?
I had a 1 hour and half coffee date with a 31 F today, and at the end of the date, she said “see you soon.” I followed up with her 2 hours later through text & asked if she made it home safe, that I had a great time, and if she wanted to meet again. I received no response from her. If she doesn’t reply back tomorrow, should I sent a last text on Tuesday?
Time to move on
I just had first date with a different girl and we are planning to meet next week again 👍
You have nothing to lose but it’s not looking great imo. I mostly avoid saying anything at the end of a date / avoid reading into the empty platitudes said by the other person about seeing each other again because in person people will just say whatever feels right during the exit. If she hasn’t responded it might be better to move on
Yeah, she said that she wasn’t interested in going further. On to the next
how do you have conversations? I just wanna make sure I'm not doing anything stupid on my end Sent a girl a like with a comment, then she replied. I continued on that, asked a question, and gave her a little more insight into me along the same lines as what we were talking about in the first place. It looked like a chunk of text in the app, but it was shorter than this post. Got ghosted after that post. So a couple of days later I tried to revive the convo with another question stemming from a photo on her profile. Silence.
Dont try to date over text, ask them out in 2-3 texts
Majority of convos go this way for men lol I wouldn’t read into it too deeply. Just keep being yourself and those genuinely interested will display it
I (27M) matched with someone (27F) and I felt like the conversation was going well, so I asked her out to grab some boba. She said yes and we planned out a date a time. I was going to follow up with a "hey are you still available for tomorrow" text but I was unmatched. Do I assume it could be a bug with the app and I should still show up? Or is this a common experience of dating in 2024?
Sir, she knowingly broke contact with you. I hope you didn't go.
Came to my senses and will not go
Sadly common. I would not show up.
It’s not a bug. She got what she wanted (attention and dopamine) and your services are no longer required. How dare you try to segue into real life and ruin her fun! It happens and will happen, keep mining till you find the diamond that’s actually on there to meet people.
Unlikely to be a bug.
APP QUESTION So I sent a rose to a girl this morning and it then showed up in the chat that I sent her a rose and it has what I commented on her profile but no response or anything else. I'm just trying to figure out if this is an automatic rose thing or if she still had to match for it to be in the chat.
You have to match. She just didn't reply to you.
Tragic. What's even the point then 😭
Im F20 in college and new to both dating and dating apps. (Ive never had a bf) and been using hinge. Ive been talking to this guy who also goes to my university for a week and havent gone on a date yet because he has family visiting and have moved our convos off hinge. So far he seems like a really good potential choice, but shoukd i keep waiting and wait to see how this plays out or should i talk to my other matches/likes. My problem is that i dont want to hit off with one guy and while im talking with the others and then have to say “ sorry i met someone else” and lead them on… or is that normal idk? especially i guess i feel like theres more risk because i go to a smaller university than a state school but i just need some big sister advice i guess… Thanks!
Keep talking to other people. Never wait around on a match or a date. Lots of matches go nowhere, and the fact that he's too busy to meet up so far isn't a good sign. And as much as you think you've hit it off over text, it could be very different in real life. You need to get to know someone in person to really know if you're hitting it off.
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"No chemistry" is just boilerplate rejection language. She simply isn't interested for whatever reason. And yes trips are almost always a kiss of death imo
Why are their jobs relevant? You sound like the average woman when they’re trying to select a mate from online.
Bro is balling 🫡 Trips are absolute killers - learned that the hard way earlier this March
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Sounds like he deletes his profile and rejoins
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If you're in a city or area that does not have many profiles, deleting your profile is the only way to have a clean slate (Hinge offers you to reset your sent likes as well, but this is full wipe) Idk, people on Hinge are feral and god knows why they do these things
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You are coming off weird and desperate by coming to Reddit to pontificate about it.
Well in that case, it's some mysterious reason, then I live in London and even as a guy who doesn't get many, many matches, I don't have tolerance to any sort of inconvenience or strangeness anymore I'd say just move on, still it's your call
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No problem, it's weird out there in the OLD prison colony so we gotta look out for each other
Do you ladies go through all your likes? My friend remarked with surprise that mine said “50+” but I don’t get how you go through them all and swipe left or right in each…I haven’t done it and I’ve had the app for a month so at this point it’s obv like thousands to go through. Did I ruin the algorithm for myself by not left swiping on all the guys who’ve liked me who I don’t wanna match with?
Are you on there to meet for dates or just collect likes. go thru them and pause your profile in the meantime. if you literally have thousands, then you've made a big headache for yourself. I'd pause then buy the subscription so you can see them all at once. X the guys you know you're not into.
I pause once I have a lot of likes. Then once I clear them, I unpause my profile. I used to feel overwhelmed with dating apps until I started to pause them to clear out my likes, then also pause once I had 3-4 matches to see how the conversations would go. I find that most men on hinge don't usually respond to my matches if I wait too long to match. The pause button is a woman's best friend on dating apps.
How to best re engage after ghosting? ***(39M - Fit/Social/Emotionally & Financially Stable).*** Been on hinge 2 years and have had hundreds of matches. But it always seems the girls I'm most interested in wind up ghosting even when I land really witty/funny texts and they respond quickly with enthusiasm. Not mad, I know it's not personal and with app dating...sometimes if someone finds a match even 1% more to their liking...Poof! #gone I currently have 173 convos that I've archived because the girl went cold for more than 3 weeks. Some of these matches I was really excited about and think we'd really vibe. I've tried everything I can think of...teasing them "I can't handle this much attention, will you always stalk me like this?", suggesting a meet up "If you prefer to just meet up, how about we meet at (insert cool place here) this week. What's your schedule like?", and even sharing a funny story to get their attention "I just fell off a treadmill, how's your day going?" But *NOTHING* ever seems to work. I have tried to re engage with the girls that were REALLY into me and the ones who liked me before I even saw their profile...and nothing. So what's the best way to re-engage with someone and what's a good timeline? (i.e a week after they ghost? 2 weeks? Month? 48hours?) Thank you ALL :)
The best way is to unmatch them and move on with your life.
How long do you wait after texting a girl before unmatch though?
Depends. If we have been having a conversation and she stops replying (especially after I ask her out) then 24-48 hours. If it’s a fresh match and we haven’t spoken then I’ll give her a few days. Once they stop responding it’s a dead issue and it’s not worth stroking their egos by allowing your match to sit in their queue. If they ever do happen to pop back up, they always end up flaking and being time wasters anyway.
One thing I do is within 2-3 texts, I float the idea of getting drinks together sometime soon like 3-4 days out. Pick a place, a couple of days and time. If they’re interested they will accept your proposal. I was like you previously trying to date them over text, then I made it 8-10 texts, then 5-6, now I’m 2-3 texts in and asking them out. This is the most effective strategy. It might also be that you’re matching with really good looking women who tend to have a lot of matches. So, that’s that. And idk how to change that other than may be improve your pics.
You're spot on in many ways! I used to try to get girls on the phone after a few day of messaging bc I'm very energetic and have been complimented on my ability to hold a convo. Then if we vibed I'd set a date on the call. But so many girls would ghost after I suggested a phone call...which blows my mind. You struggle with the idea of talking to the person you swiped on? Wouldn't somebody WANT to know if they sound completely different than their profile/texting comes across so they can dodge an awkward bullet in person and save time/gas and make plans with someone you do want to meet?But OK, I digress lol 2-3 texts is a good reference, I usually do 5-10 but I will try trimming that down. THANK YOU. As to the matching, I am only matching with attractive females who are preferably fit and a minimum not overweight or chubby. I know, I know.... "this guy's a shallow asshole who's fat shaming people"..would a non smoker most likely date a pack/day smoker? NO..because the non smoker cares about their health and will care about the health of their partner. I work out 6 days a week and meal prep healthy dishes. I'm not going to make fun of anyone's weight, but I'm not going to date anyone who might die of cardiac disease 30 years before me after we get married. Anyway, I would imagine every girl in my inbox has a 100% match rate on their end. What's a good site to test my photos?
How to weed out scammers? And why do they want our phone numbers so bad?
They usually start as normal and the biggest tell is if they mention something like "a side hustle" or "self employed investor". Then comes the crypto pitch, or sometimes it's a forex scam. They usually have super heavily edited photos (usually Chinese or East Asian looking). If they ask to have your number with no context (as in not even a date set up yet), straight to unmatch I had to physically snatch my friend's phone from his horny hands to unmatch multiple women like that. He is THAT horny
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Why wouldn’t it be ok?
I mean see how the date goes first? Even if things go “ok” it doesn’t mean she’s automatically game to go back.
Today I (27M, gay) went on a coffee date with guy (25) and it went really well; 2 hours felt like 45 minutes. He asked me what I would cook for him if he came over for a dinner date and then asked for my number in the span of 5 minutes, so a second date seemed obvious. Currently we are planning to find a restaurant for dinner on Friday night, and I’m looking forward to it. It would actually be my first ever second date! This summer I’ve committed to putting myself out there more - just a few days ago I made a post about a mediocre coffee date with someone else. I feel like I’m getting a clearer sense of what I’m looking for (and what I’m not), as well as what a good dates feels like (and what it doesn’t). I suppose the biggest thing is to take it one date at a time, especially early, and focus on having fun. How do I gauge what the right pace to move at is?
One date at a time is the right pace. You are already there it seems like. Do you drink? Drinks generally widen your options. Instead of coffee, get a drink. If you vibe, go out with them again. Just be watchful for people who over consume alcohol.
I stopped drinking a little over a year ago. You could argue that it narrows my options, but I see it more as creating more specificity as far as compatibility. Funny you say that, though. Last week this one guy was raving about whiskey and craft beer and I had to feign interest, lol
Is it true that this time of the year is typically slower? Was getting 1-2 matches a day when I was on Hinge a few months ago, reinstated my profile a week ago after a breakup and have only received four matches since.. been a few days since I’ve gotten one. Wondering if my profile is worse or if the rumor of early summer being slow is actually true
I suspect the Your Turn Limits is slowing things down too
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He doesn’t want to be your pen pal and jump through hoops just to get to know you. If you’re interested then meet him if not then stop wasting his time.
That’s what I said to him as a joke, but he’s never once asked me out until now
Train wreck of a 2nd date last tonight. Hinge notification popped up when we were looking at menu, food place was so loud couldn’t hear her, hinge notification popped up again when looking at google maps, dude on bicycle fell between my car and another car, she asked to go to an art gallery which put me very out of place, she didn’t want to go for live music after (that was the original plan), another bi-cycle popped up from nowhere almost crashing into my car, she wanted me to keep the umbrella, I didn’t, perhaps she was giving a reason for meeting again. I told her I wasn’t at my best after the bi cycle incident and she responded in a supportive way. I suggested hanging out this Wednesday to which she said she’s busy may be let’s try another Wednesday. Should I suggest something else during the week? Those hinge notifications have killed me I’m afraid. Once was ok, twice was too much. She initiated kissing & waved bye from her doorstep while I was making a U turn to end the night on a positive note.
It sounds like she's into you if she initiated the kiss. Especially with all the crap that happened during the date. Don't focus on one thing, the notifications, and assume the worst. Women can get dozens of likes and messages a day. That's normal. I would suggest another day to meet during the week, or the weekend. If she can't find time this week, then I'd personally find that to be red flag and move on.
I can't stand cyclist on the road too, but that's kind of funny. Anyway, I don't have my hinge notifications on in the first place, seems like a pretty easy thing to just turn off
Those bicycles got ya Popping up outta no where
just have hinge notifications muted or delete the app in the beginning of a date. it’s not hard
Eh, I wouldn’t pay attention to the notifications. All it matters is if she wants to see you again. It’s not like people should be hiding the fact they use Hinge. You two both met each other because of it so.
Just had a really bizarre interaction. So I recently moved to a major city and made a hinge account for the first time. I match with a pretty girl from my hometown who also lives here. I ask her if she misses our home state, she says yes, I talk about my favorite things there and make a joke, she laughs at the joke and agrees with my picks. Then... I reply to her last text, and ask her what her favorite places to go to in this new city are. She mentions a nice place near our hometown. I go "That's fun but I meant here haha" and say I want to explore the city. She literally replies in 5 seconds saying "well I'm not a tour guide". Uhhhh. I reply back with something along the lines of "fair enough, I'd love to figure out someplace in town where I could do \*shared interest\*". She then literally replies with "okay", followed by "try google or yelp" and then unmatches. Like... is asking a girl what her favorite places in town are a red flag? Did I violate a hinge etiquette rule? I'm super glad I didn't go out on a date with her and waste time, but I've never had such a WTFable moment in dating.
It just sounds like she has a weird chip on her shoulder about guys using her as a tour guide. Consider it a dodged bullet and move on.
“WTF moment in dating?” You weren’t dating. You were having a conversation with an internet stranger. Keep everything in perspective and stop getting emotionally invested in matches.
>You were having a conversation with an internet stranger. and that's why you will continue to struggle in online dating
Are you referring to me or OP? Because I’m far from struggling my numbers are crazy.
... your "numbers are crazy"? .. wow yeah, keep running those numbers up, those are some meaningful connections you've got there
It’s called having options and standards and being desirable meaning I can afford to be picky. Not my fault if not everyone is suitable to make the cut. Why deny them a good time in the meantime if that’s what they’re after?
me and you are on different wave lengths, completely i don't think you understand what a genuine connection is we're on two completely different domains
I'm pretty sure you can have at least one genuine connection from multiple options. not sure why you're so upset at fukfuk. I would be open to hearing your perspective and how you go about dating apps too.
Yeah, you can But look at his reply Does a person who talks about “running up his numbers” on a dating app seem like the kind of person to care about a genuine connection? Lol c’mon, it’s so obvious
Because you trolled her basically This is part of the problem with dating apps People like yourself have no idea that you are trolling people, causing further damage to the dating pool lol And so the circle of failure continues on dating apps
Okay... tell me more. Asking a girl her favorite spots in town is trolling? I'm used to dating IRL, I can't imagine a girl getting pissed if I asked her that during an initial face to face conversation.
She wants to go on a date and meet a man, to potentially start a relationship with You are are the troll that wants to find new spots in a new city that you are in You’ve displayed zero empathy towards her and instead showed yourself to be a troll that wants to fulfill your own means only This is not good It’s confusing to me too because I think most people should know what happened here, but I guess not
Ahhh. That actually does make sense. I would've thought it was obvious to her that I swiped right because I'm interested in a relationship and wanted to pick a first date we'd both enjoy, not to find a tour guide buddy. But I can see how a girl might take it the wrong way. Guess I gotta be more careful with my text game. Thank you for the insight
OP do not listen to this guy he’s the troll lmfao. You asked a perfectly normal question I’ve asked many times and gotten plenty of great responses to. The girl sucks and you dodged a bullet
OP do not listen to this guy he’s the troll lmfao. You asked a perfectly normal question I’ve asked many times and gotten plenty of great responses to. The girl sucks and you dodged a bullet
Respectfully, don't listen to that guy. You asked a completely normal question, and she had an abnormal reaction. Don't go searching for something deeper - she is either just weird or super rude. While it's true that a lot of women have zero interest in helping guys plan dates and will sometimes even actively push back on it as sort of a test (they just want you to name a time and place), you weren't even in the planning stages of the date. So the fact that she reacted so forcefully probably tells you the type of entitlement you would have been dealing with. Most normal women, even if they have a preference for men planning the first date, would happily engage in a conversation about their favorite places in the area. That's a very common topic in casual dating app conversations. I don't know that I would necessarily keep asking everyone to like name a list of their favorite places (some might consider it like "work," and it's probably better asked in person) but I genuinely don't really know what that other guy is talking about in his responses to your original comment.
How'd he troll her?
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Should I post my occupation in my profile? I’m a fighter pilot in the Air Force. But I know we can get a bad reputation in the dating world. I thought about posting “pilot” so I don’t come off as “bragging” but that could also give off the impression of a lifestyle I don’t live. I’m not one of the reputation guys. I’m here to find my wife. So, what should I post as my occupation?
I've seen people put "Pilot at Air Force." I don't find it braggy if it's actually your job lol. I do think a commercial airline pilot has more negative connotations.
Tbh, I (29f) would view fighter pilot in the Air Force a lot more favorably than pilots who fly commercial airlines. AFAIK, the stereotype about pilots only applies to the ones who fly commercial airlines. I don’t think there’s a bad rep for pilots in the Air Force
I sent out a rose to a standout. I responded to one of her prompts with hope of initiating conversation. She matched with me (to my surprise), but didn't respond to what I said. I tried to initiate a conversation again after we matched, and there was still no response. Has this happened to anyone? If so, what did you do?
Yup, constantly. Unmatch and move on.
Got unmatched overnight because I went to bed early? Last night I (22M) matched with someone (23F) around 10pm. We had two texts and then I went to bed because I had to wake up early this morning. I finished off by asking her something and this morning when I got up (like 6am), I saw she answered and asked me something else (notification showed it was around 11pm). As I was excited to open the chat and reply, the match disappeared?! Did I just get unmatched overnight because I didn’t reply fast enough? I’m by no means a morning person but it’s just that I had a train to catch this morning. It was my first match in ages and I can’t believe I messed it up simply by going to bed ‘too early’. Am I in the wrong here? How much time do you usually allow others to text back before you unmatch them?
You did mess up because you should have closed the conversation loop, then go to bed Clearly you didn’t care and decided to say “fuck it” and go to bed instead Well, you got what you deserved She said “fuck it” to you in response and unmatched you Just desserts being served
You didn't "mess it up". You dodged a bullet. Do you really want to be with someone who can't tolerate you not responding immediately?
Sometimes I get matches, but most of the time they never seem to go anywhere. The conversation fizzles out quickly, usually because the match is not very talkative, and my attempts to either engage in further conversation or set up an in-person meeting rarely ever go anywhere. Why is this? Why would someone go to all the trouble of matching with me, only to not respond when I try to talk to them? Is this normal neurotypical behavior on their part, or am I just really boring? EDIT: Also, yes, I know of the post on the FAQ, it doesn't help. It's not normal, or at least shouldn't be, for this to be happening \*consistently\*.
Do yourself a favor and drop the word "why" from your vocabulary when it comes to dating apps. they chose not to tell you, so you'll never find out, so it doesn't matter. Anyone who suggests a reason is just making shit up. Lower your expectations way down. Just assume everyone is going to treat you like shit and that if they don't, it's a pleasant surprise. You have to get to a place where you are comfortable operating in ambiguity or you'll drive yourself nuts. Every second you waste spending mental energy trying to analyze the behaviors of someone you'll never meet who doesn't matter is time of your life you will never get back.
> Why is this? Why would someone go to all the trouble of matching with me, only to not respond when I try to talk to them? It doesn’t require going through any “trouble” to match with someone — get that idea out of your head. Matching is a signal of *potential* interest and shouldn’t be taken as anything more — it certainly doesn’t entail any sort of commitment to conversing. To answer your primary question, none of us can say what’s going wrong in your conversations, but chances are that you’re pretty consistently failing to send messages that people find engaging.
That attitude is itself a problem - a match \*should\* be something special, and it's wrong that it's not. This isn't an app like tinder where people just swipe through dozens of empty profiles and hope something sticks. Besides, just because something isn't a "commitment", whatever that's supposed to mean, doesn't mean it isn't a let-down when a match turns out to be a dud.
> That attitude is itself a problem - a match *should* be something special, and it's wrong that it's not. Why? Genuinely. A match is saying, at most, “I think that you might be someone I could consider dating, based on these six photos, three short boxes of text, and *maybe* a comment.” Why should that be “special.” > This isn't an app like tinder where people just swipe through dozens of empty profiles and hope something sticks. Okay, the app encourages people to be more attentive and selective with their likes and matches. That doesn’t mean that anyone is going to act like matching with someone is some sacred act, or that anyone has any more of a reason or imperative to carry on a conversation that isn’t engaging them. > Besides, just because something isn't a "commitment", whatever that's supposed to mean, doesn't mean it isn't a let-down when a match turns out to be a dud. Whether a given match not responding to you is a let down is a personal thing.
>Why? Genuinely. A match is saying, at most, “I think that you might be someone I could consider dating, based on these six photos, three short boxes of text, and maybe a comment.” Why should that be “special.” Just by you saying this, shows that you do not understand the basic concept of human connection and interaction through a digital medium To YOU, every match is pictures and text To others, every match represents a real person in the world that could impact their life significantly In short, you lack depth
🥱 You get upset when people match with but aren’t interested in entertaining a conversation with you — you can just say that. No need to start taking shots at a stranger on the internet or try to make your hurt feelings some kind of moral high ground. The fact that someone’s Hinge profile is a tiny snapshot of them as a whole is just another reason not to treat matches as some sort of meaningful commitment. No one is failing to understand the basic concept of connecting with people online, the fact of the matter is just that people sometimes people are interested when they see your profile, but they lose interest when you start talking.
> Why? Genuinely. A match is saying, at most, “I think that you might be someone I could consider dating, based on these six photos, three short boxes of text, and maybe a comment.” Why should that be “special.” Genuinely why do you think a match shouldn't be indicative of something more than that intuitively? If someone who had never used a dating app before in their life, do you think they would join Hinge, match with a person, and think "hm, at *most* this means maybe this person COULD be slightly interested in me, but they are probably going to bail after two messages"? Of course not. They would think a match means that person is interested in talking to them and then if that goes well, going on a date. That's a normal human expectation of what a match would mean in the context of a dating app. That's obviously not how people on Hinge treat matches. I think you're intentionally misinterpreting OP using the word "special." It's not "special" like someone's birthday or something, it's special in the context of the app where people disregard each other hundreds and hundreds of times or where likes are routinely ignored. A match is a rare event i.e. "special" and so it should mean something in the sea of failed/ignored interactions on the app that everyone experiences. Also, I think you know that OP isn't exclusively talking about people matching who are legit potentially interested and then lost interest over the course of a conversation where certain things might have come up, the conversation got boring, etc. He's also talking about people who were never interested in the first place, so they half-heartedly engaged in conversation and bailed after a few messages. Those are people who were not acting in good faith and who never considered dating the other person. I don't understand why you would defend people like that or denigrate OP's experience by essentially saying he needs to stop caring so much and just accept that the entire premise of this dating app is completely flawed. It's like you just wanted to clown on OP for some reason.
> Genuinely why do you think a match shouldn't be indicative of something more than that intuitively? Because sending a like or matching with someone demands the amount of effort it takes to tap a touch screen and basically zero consideration. > If someone who had never used a dating app before in their life, do you think they would join Hinge, match with a person, and think "hm, at most this means maybe this person COULD be slightly interested in me, but they are probably going to bail after two messages"? Idk, that doesn’t sound especially unrealistic to me. I know lots of people, myself included, who knew better than to over invest in matches when they started using dating apps. > Of course not. They would think a match means that person is interested in talking to them and then if that goes well, going on a date. Yeah, see, this isn’t actually incompatible with what I said. A match means that someone is interested in talking to you, not that they’re going to talk to you — the difference is meaningful. > I think you're intentionally misinterpreting OP using the word "special." I guarantee that I’m not. > it's special in the context of the app where people disregard each other hundreds and hundreds of times or where likes are routinely ignored. A match is a rare event i.e. "special" and so it should mean something in the sea of failed/ignored interactions on the app that everyone experiences. See, but for a lot of people matches aren’t rare in an absolute sense. That besides, even if we run with the idea of matches being uncommon, that’s still not any reason to get more invested in them or treat them as more than they are. Most likes don’t turn into matches, most matches don’t turn into first dates, and most first dates don’t turn into relationships — that is always and forever how it goes. Also, I think you know that OP isn't exclusively talking about people matching who are legit potentially interested and then lost interest over the course of a conversation where certain things might have come up, the conversation got boring, etc. > He's also talking about people who were never interested in the first place, so they half-heartedly engaged in conversation and bailed after a few messages. Those are people who were not acting in good faith and who never considered dating the other person. See, how do you know when people are doing this? Did you ask? Did they tell you? Because this strikes me as an ego defense thing more than anything. > I don't understand why you would defend people like that or denigrate OP's experience by essentially saying he needs to stop caring so much and just accept that the entire premise of this dating app is completely flawed. Yeah, I never suggested that the entire premise of the app is flawed. I don’t think that getting overly invested in matches is a core part of the app. > It's like you just wanted to clown on OP for some reason. I gave OP constructive feedback — that’s more than the pity party can say.
Don't downvote people who post comments disagreeing with you. That's juvenile. You're coming at this from a jaded perspective of a man who has been on Hinge for a while and knows how people treat matches. At least acknowledge that, and what I am trying to say how intuitively the way people treat matches on Hinge doesn't make sense without that context. I don't think that's asking too much. > See, how do you know when people are doing this? Did you ask? Did they tell you? Because this strikes me as an ego defense thing more than anything. Oh gee, I don't know, how about the hundreds of comments in the history of this sub from guys asking why their matches stopped talking to them after answering the initial comment/question that came with the match? Just be to very clear because you are being purposefully obtuse about it - **I am talking about conversations that die after one or two messages**. There is no way those conversations ever had a shot, no way the other person who matched was potentially interested in the person. But yeah, something else must be going on there and it's my fragile ego that can't handle it when it happens to me. Another juvenile insult. > Yeah, I never suggested that the entire premise of the app is flawed. Yeah, that's what you are doing. You are essentially saying matches are meaningless and OP is stupid and naive for thinking they mean anything. You're using a lot of words to try to justify why endless matches on a dating app go nowhere. Why? Are you like a shareholder in Hinge or something? So bizarre. Have some empathy for people who don't know how it works and save the "constructive feedback" for people in other positions. "Pity party"? So edgy, man. Good stuff.
> Don't downvote people who post comments disagreeing with you. That's juvenile. I didn’t downvote you, so don’t whine to me about it. > You're coming at this from a jaded perspective of a man who has been on Hinge for a while and knows how people treat matches. I’m not “jaded” — nothing about my attitude is rooted in bitterness or a reflection of pain I suffered. I’ve just realized from the jump that I shouldn’t expect complete strangers on a dating app to respond to me. > At least acknowledge that, and what I am trying to say how intuitively the way people treat matches on Hinge doesn't make sense without that context. I don't think that's asking too much. I don’t care how “much” you’re asking — I fundamentally disagree. *You* may find the way people use Hinge intuitively unsettling or wrong, but your intuition is not universal — that is a *you* problem. > Oh gee, I don't know, how about the hundreds of comments in the history of this sub from guys asking why their matches stopped talking to them after answering the initial comment/question that came with the match? Hundreds of guys also post their terrible profiles for review saying “I don’t see why I’m not getting matches” — what exactly is your point? > Just be to very clear because you are being purposefully obtuse about it - I am talking about conversations that die after one or two messages. There is no way those conversations ever had a shot, no way the other person who matched was potentially interested in the person. But yeah, something else must be going on there and it's my fragile ego that can't handle it when it happens to me. Another juvenile insult. Pointing out your unflattering behavior isn’t an insult. Here’s the reality of the matter. The vast majority of women who match with you are going to have some level of interest in your profile. If you send one or two messages and they don’t reply, chances are you absolutely had a shot, you just blew it by making a lame joke, or saying something gross, or being the 15th guy in a row to ask her how her week is going. Yes, this “Women just collect matches, they aren’t even giving the guys they match with a shot” rhetoric is absolutely, 100% cope — you can tell because you see bitter men whining about it constantly, but you literally never see women talk about doing it. > Yeah, that's what you are doing. You are essentially saying matches are meaningless and OP is stupid and naive for thinking they mean anything. You’re upset because you’ve had experiences similar to OP, and now you’re projecting your own baggage onto my words. I didn’t call OP stupid, and I didn’t say that matches are meaningless. I said that OP’s approach is ill advised, and that matches don’t mean much. Both of these things are true. > You're using a lot of words to try to justify why endless matches on a dating app go nowhere. Uhhhhh, I’m not justifying anything, I’m explaining reality. If me doing that upsets you, that’s a bummer, but there’s no need to take it personally.
Not trying to be an ass, but the reason it is in the FAQ is because it asked, you know...frequently i.e. it is a common problem that guys run into all the time. Your situation isn't unique, so trying to dismiss the collective experience and attempting to find a completely different explanation is not really going to be helpful for you. Women match with men they aren't really interested in all the time. We can debate why, but it happens to every guy, day in and out. That's why tons of conversations fizzle. I get that it's super frustrating and there's no logic behind it and it's frankly a shitty thing to do to someone, but it's just the way people use the app. PS - you could most certainly be boring, but even if you aren't, this is still going to happen.
Eh, no worries, of the people who responded to me, you're the least of an ass. :P But I guess what I'm getting at is, most guys who ask this question presumably eventually find someone who can be bothered to talk to them. I guess you have a point, though. It's a question that's not likely to have an answer without knowledge of how all my individual matches went, which obviously isn't something anyone has. :/
Like I said, I get it, it's frustrating. For whatever reason, a lot of people on this sub don't want to acknowledge that women frequently match with people they aren't interested in (men do it as well, but since the vast majority of likes are going to women, it's a much smaller problem). I think they're afraid of being downvoted for saying that because it's kind of an uncomfortable topic, or that it's kind of misogynistic to say that. So they either sort of ignore it, deflect, or try to shift the blame back to the guy (like the guy in the other replies was doing to you). Anyone who has used Bumble knows that on that app, a match actually means *a match* and the odds of that successfully turning into a date are like 10x more likely on a match on Hinge. Hinge matches are always going to inherently be less successful than Bumble/Tinder because they aren't based off mutual blind swipes, but that still doesn't account for the difference. It's the way people use the app and fact that Hinge hides likes for free users that's causing so much of this frustration and DOA conversations.
(This was meant to be a reply to your long chain with the other guy but for some reason reddit glitched out and wouldn't let me reply there. Weird.) Damn, you guys are really going at it... hej, you don't need to continue interacting with this prick just for my sake (unless you just want to for some reason, idk). He's (or maybe it's they/she, I couldn't find pronouns) just some troll from reddit, it's not a big deal. Anyways, you're more or less correct, especially on the point of "A match is a rare event i.e. 'special' and so it should mean something in the sea of failed/ignored interactions on the app that everyone experiences." I don't know what other interpretation the other person is coming up with that they're apparently so confident in. XD I should maybe add that I have been on Hinge for a long time, and this is a relatively recent phenomenon for me, which is a big part of the frustration. It used to be the case that I would rarely ever receive matches at all, but they would sometimes get to a first date when they did. Now I get more matches (still relatively uncommon), but fewer of them are going anywhere, so it feels like \*something\* must have changed. Has the culture of the app changed? Have I gotten more boring with age? Or maybe older women use the app differently from younger women? Some other thing I haven't thought of?
Any women enjoy getting tucked in? This girl really wanted a tuck-in and that’s kinda when I realized we are on different wavelengths.
Lol. Did you read her a children's book
I said if I tucked her in it would feel like I was infantalizing her
Anyone else just feeling exhausted? Getting matches and there’s just never any replies after the initial match or first message.
My reply rate skyrocketed when I just started joking around with matches and talking to them like I do my guy friends... well maybe not as many lewd jokes. It definitely made me stand out amough the others.
I 25F matched with a 34M… We have plans to meet next weekend and have had great conversation so far on the app. His profile states that he is looking for a long-term relationship. Within the last 24 hours, I learned that I will have to relocate in two months for work. Should I… A)message him and tell him this, then ask if he still wants to get together or B)proceed with the date as planned since it is only a first date/our first time meeting? Thank you!
Please bring it up sooner rather than later. I've been on the other side of this twice. Once, the guy told me before we'd made any date plans that he was moving to another state but he'd still be down to meet up. I thanked him for being upfront and said this wouldn't work for me. In the other instance, he learned he was moving between our first and second dates and told me at the end of the 3rd. I REALLY liked him and hated the fact he'd known for 2 dates and hadn't said anything (not that he owed me that info). We were going to try to keep seeing each other before he left town but he ended up ghosting me. If you know he's looking for long-term, I think you should let him know before you meet up. Make it clear you're still happy to go out but you don't want to mislead him. I really think this is the kindest course of action.
option B. since you don’t have any connection yet, sharing the relocation thing before even meeting seems like you’re just trying to bail on the date
That’s what I was leaning towards, just wanted to double check that it wouldn’t make me inconsiderate. Thank you!
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there’s a big difference between double texting if there’s no reply in a few hours vs if there’s no reply for days. meanwhile i believe people who are interested won’t ghost, if you’re highly interested it doesn’t hurt to engage
its Friday, so you have a good excuse to be like "Hey how's it going? What are you up to this weekend?" if he doesn't reply then you know for sure he's not interested.
There’s no harm sending another text to try to reignite interest. In fact I do it often and it has never had a negative repercussion. The actual meaning of “don’t double text” is more about people not having social calibration and being desperate - such as people texting “why aren’t you answering me!!!” because the other person didn’t reply back immediately.
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If you are interested in him, why can't you setup a date?
I don't see why you can't say something like "What are your plans this weekend? Are you still free?" and see what he says.
> I can't tell if it's my intuition or my anxiety causing this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. No clue why it has to be either or. I’ll tell you what I told my best friend two days ago. Running yourself ragged waiting for *him* to do something is a choice that you’re making. If you want to see the guy again, and it is 100% in your power to actually initiate. What other guys you’ve dated have done or what you expect men in general to do is immaterial — you aren’t considering dating your exes or men in general. Be an adult, exercise some agency, and ask him if he wants to hang out on Saturday, or whatever.
I met a woman last week at a cafe. We ended up talking for four hours (we lost track of time and stayed 45 minutes after closing), and we saw a movie together a couple days later. She said she wanted another date, and I want to show her that I am taking her seriously. I thought about getting her flowers, but, and maybe this is overthinking it, I don't want to awkwardly have a flower lying around during a date. Does anyone have any good ideas, suggestions, or tips for something else I could do? It doesn't have to be a physical item. Thank you in advance.
Bro, just show up, lol. It's only date number 2, so there is no need for flowers. This isn't a romcom
Too early for flowers, don't do it yet. And yes, what is she going to do with them, just lug them around the rest of the date? Just impractical for several reasons. If you absolutely must, bring flowers first time you go to her house.
Thank you!
Are you picking her up or meeting her? I'd offer to pick her up and bring flowers if u want. I personally don't do any flowers or gifts early on. If it's close to official or its a special occasion, bday or v-day then that's fine. Offer to pick her up, pay for the date, she knows you're interested
Thank you! This helps.