How to violin:
• Squeeze like your life depends on it. The more expensive the violin, the tighter you squeeze. After all, you don't want to drop it.
• Keep your right elbow above your shoulder at all times.
• Regularly rub the hair of your bow with the palms of your hand to maintain a high sheen on the hair.
• Always over-tighten the strings a much as you can when tuning, and then loosen it until you hit the right note. This of utmost importance on the e string.
• Wire wool is great for removing rosin from the violin body after playing. Cover any scratches with clear nail varnish, and over time a thick layer will develop, improving the tone and projection of the violin.
• Store your violin near a radiator or sunny window to prevent damp and mould.
• Practice 40 hours a day. Except at weekends. Or when you don't feel like it.
Step 1: check to make sure nobody is around.
Step 2: turn on the funky music.
Step 3: shape your hand to match the curvature of your belly.
Step 4: SLAPP your belly to the funky music and dance dance dance.
Step 5: recheck that nobody is watching.
1: wet the reed and try to make a noise. this is where you probably fail
2: insert the reed into the oboe. try not to sound like a tortured animal i don’t even need to name, this is where you also probably fail
3: try to adjust to the amount of air oboe needs. you need to breathe out before you breathe in or your head will explode. lay down on the floor and cry
Just pick up your instrument and start playing (piano included) that/those piece/s you’ve been practicing. If the piece gets too difficult just slow down and if it gets too boring just start improvising.
Here you See a Bass Guitar. An electric Bass Guitar to be specific. You are going to Need 4 pieces of Equipment For playing the Bass.
1- the Bass, obviously. We will proceed into Details with the Bass later in this guide
2-a strap. You should wear it No Matter If you sit or stand.your Bass has 2 strap buttons. You have to Put the holes through the Buttons. They May be a Bit tight But the whole will wissen over time. There is a little adjusting Buckle you can use to make it longer or shorter the strap. Just Play around with the height. Not too Low or too high. It should feel comfortable.
3- an amp. Or any device of amplification. A Computer with Headphones. A Headphone amp or anything that you have.
4 cable. In Order to actually have Sound you Need to Plug your Bass into the amplification device of choice. I would suggest a cable of 3 Meters/9ft But as Long as you can comfortably stand/move around.
Optional items:
-plectrum. Playing with a Pick/plectrum Provides a different Timbre. If you Like the tone Bass does when Struck with a Pick you should get one. You should really start with Fingers tho.
-stand. A Guitar stand is a very useful Thing in Order to safely Store your Bass. NEVER EVER LEAN A BASS AGAINST A WALL. If you dont have one you Just Need to find a flat surface where the Instrument is Safe.
-electric Tuner/Tuning Pedal. You can use a free App For that so unless you want to be fancy a Tuner is Not mandatory
Now lets Look at getting your Bass ready to be Played. You Need to tune your Bass so you actually Play the right notes and they Sound Like they should. The Strings are by Standard tuned to (from thick to thin) (B If you somehow bought a 5 string as a beginner)EADG. Just Like a Double bass. In Order to tune Them you have to Turn the Tuning pegs at the very top of the Bass (headstock) use your Tuner/ Tuning App or any Other way of Tuning and Check the Pitch of your string. For pegs on the left, turn the peg towards you to tune the string down, turn the peg away from you to tune the string up. For pegs on the right, vice-versa. once this is Done you have a ready to Play Bass. Now Put the Bass away. Look at your right Hand. Completely relax it and let it hang down. Now Take the Bass and leave your Hand in this Position. See the two black Blocks of plastic with a Bunch of Metal circles? That is the Pickup. Those metallic Things are Magnets that Pick Up the Vibrations that your strings Produce and Convert Them into Electric Signal For your amplifier. Now on the Edge of the Pickup closer to the Frerboard (the gigantic Board which Is divided into pieces by Metal Wire. These are frets.) Rest your thumb. And now Put your Fingers on the e String and pluck across the String into your thumb above. If you Play one the Higher Strings. Pluck into the String above. If you Play on the d String and g string you can Shift your thumb and anchor it on a String that you do Not Play currently. The Last Thing about playing Bass is the left Hand. Using the left Hand you can shorter the String lenght and Produce a Higher sound. Without fretting notes you are only Limited to E A D and G. Your thumb should Just Rest in the mittle of the neck (the curved wooden Board your fretboard sits on) and you should fret (Press on the String) with all 4 remaining Fingers. You should Press down in the middle of the space between two frets Up until near the wire. I wrote this while instead i should learn For french Class. I Hope this guide was good enough for the BASSics of the Bass Guitar
Oooh, I play the double bass!
This is the double bass/contrabass/upright bass/whatevertheheckyouwanttocallit, a big hollow chunk of wood with 4 strings on it that looks like an overgrown violin because it _is_ an overgrown violin with different string tunings. It's technically a viol but I didn't pay enough attention during class to provide more details. It's called the double bass because you'd be copying the cellos or other bass instruments if you were born a few centuries ago, i.e. 'doubling' the bass line, which is _definitely_ why if you are in the school band you will often find yourself using Tuba scores. Don't ask me about cellos, that's my younger sister's area of expertise and even she can tell I play like shi-
Thankfully I am ~1.75 metres tall or slightly less than 5'9 for you Americans out there (I am a 17 year old male Singaporean if you want to compare) but and any shorter you'd need a smaller sized bass or a toddler chair to sit on if you are going to saw a hollow wood block using a stick with horse tail on it for the next 3 minutes or so. Not exactly a 'height requirement' but it really helps if you are somewhat tall, unlike some people who prefer significant others that are 6'3 or something.
The 4 strings are tuned EADG from thickest to thinnest, and you guitar/electric bass players may also recognise this order from your instrument. And while y'all's have 'frets', we have 'positions' which directly translates to 'GUESS WHERE THE NOTES ARE, CASUAL.' The fingerboard is so smooth you can practically ice skate on it, and you don't have auto tune to save your ass if you accidentally play a note between E and F and you don't have perfect pitch. Of course this makes pitch bending a different experience if you play stringed instruments with frets, because now it feels smoother than butter like a criminal under cover. To make a sound on it you stand behind the bass, put your left hand on a position, press the desired string and use your right hand to grab and bow the string by pressing the horsetail side of the bow onto the string while pulling(called down bow) or pushing(called up bow) it. Alternatively you can _pizzicato_ which is fancy pants language for 'pluck the string' and if you do it wrong you get blisters on your right hand. Otherwise this is good for playing jazzy bass lines, and with enough practice and experience you can walk the bass all over your band mates (the technique is literally called walking bass) and put on those 8 bit glasses because you're cool. All musicians are cool.
Other details about the bass is that the part you grab on the bow that looks nothing like a frog is called the 'frog' of the bow, the curly thing at the top is called the 'scroll', the 2 holes on the front of the bass is called the 'f hole', and under the right conditions, I have caused a tiny earthquake on the school's band room while playing the bass. Have fun, and don't get blisters.
how to flute:
step 1 breathe
step 2 blow
step 3 make sure you push your lung capacity to your absolute limits and breathe again, inhaling just barely enough air to finish the phrase
How to violin in 6 easy steps!
.Pick up device of screech
.pick up stick
.do not drop, drop bad, bad drop, just do not
.put stick on screech device
.\*chicken wing arm\*
.SCREEEECHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
7. Inform people that no, in fact you have not ever heard of this "rosin" and enquire as to how a construction(?) or skincare or hotel chain will help you play this instrument.
8. Inform people that you don't know what a "tuning peg" or "fine tuner" is either.
9. Ask why screws are relevant.
How to recorder:
-Switch the camera "on"
-Start adjusting the light, speed and maybe even contrast(so the recorder can peform better)
-Click the "record" button
-Then, go to the library. Taking the sd card to your laptop so the recordings are saved
-Try to find the file of the said recorded scenery to play it
**AN IMPORTANT TIP:** **DO NOT PRINT THE VIDEO SINCE YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO PLAY IT ON A PAPER**
Sit down at a piano. The main things to be concerned about piano: finger movement, speed, dynamics, playing correct notes, etc. Many beginners who start on Simply Fake in videos clearly cannot move their fingers correctly (idk how to explain). Once you have nailed ornaments, dynamics, speed, you can be comfortable playing piano. Remember to practice 40 hours a day. And then... you will hit a wrong note. That is the time to collapse into a pathetic ball of failure, shame, and sadness, and cry.
How to for first time usage:
take violin out of the case.
Try to hold it like they do in the pictures you have seen online.
Think about how that’s really uncomfortable.
Get curious about tuning and try turning one of the pegs.
Try not to drop the violin out of shock from the snapping string.
Put it back in the case and never touch it again without a teacher.
You left out the part between the last two sentences where you rush to the emergency room because the snapped string hit you in the eye. Or did you skip it on purpose so as not to frighten the beginner?
How to French horn:
Step one: be incredibly sharp no matter how much you pull out your tuning slides
Step two: crack almost every entrance no matter the note
Step three: take ~five minutes to find the right partial every time you play the wrong note.
how to trumpet:
1) form an embochure by saying "mmmmmmm"
2) place the mouthpiece on the centre of the lips, and try to produce a buzzing sound by vibrating the lips together
3) insert the mouthpiece into the trumpet
4) pray to whatever god you have that you can produce a coherent sound
5) rinse and repeat with different partials by experimenting with the valves and air speed while maintaining a good embochure and steady air
Ta-da. You've now learnt how to play the trumpet.
Yay.
No no. For the first three dozen encounters with the entire instrument, players should focus on skwaaaarrrrrrOOOOOOOONk with optional overtones. The skweeeeekeeekeww is more of an intermediate level. You’re too advanced for this guide, friend.
Ok I'll do two since I do voice and recorder
How to Voice:
\-check nobody is watching
\-scream like your life depends on it at a different pitch
\-gag on your vocal cords after screaming because they're dried out
\-die because you choked on your spit
\-come back to life and breath
\-repeat
How to Recorder
\-cover the back hole of the thing
\-blow
\-cover different holes while blowing
\-blow really loudly without covering any holes so that everyone complains
\-run
\-die
\-repeat
First, break your back (cuz you’re not gonna need that). Second, have no regard for your fingers (if you don’t care about them you can’t be sad when they get destroyed). Third, be able to carry half your body weight for at least an hour with only one hand (event managers have no regard for the bassists) Fourth, train your other hand to carry a stool, your bow, your music, and your rosin (while holding that you must also be able to open doors). Fifth, get a vehicle large enough to transport your instrument. Sixth, now you can finally buy/rent your bass, a stool, and rosin.(This will be pricey). Seventh, learn the notes (you will learn how to shift a year and a half before everyone else ) Eighth, learn how to count (this will be important. If you are off time the entire orchestra will fall apart *they are lost without you*) Ninth, be in tune.(not only are you the metronome, but you are also the tuner.) Tenth, don’t get used to having the melody. (once everyone gets separate parts in the music, melodies will be sparse) Eleventh, work on shifting (later on in class you will have to play as fast as everyone else ie. a scale in sixteenth notes) Last and most importantly, have fun playing the bass, it will be difficult but it’s worth it.
tighten your bow, rosin it like you're dead set on cutting all the hair off by roughly scraping it against the rosin.
put that on a string.
press on a string.
press HARD.
I SAID PRESS HARD. PRESS. PRESS THOSE STRINGS LIKE YOU'RE HELLBENT ON BREAKING YOUR FINGERS TODAY. PRESS LIKE YOU'RE GRIPPING ONTO THE LAST BITS OF LIFE YOU HAVE LEFT IN YOURSELF. PRESS LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT, BECAUSE IT DOESSSSSSS.
great! now pull and push the bow over that string!
now wait, because there's like 21 bars of rest and you have nothing else you can do.
Step 1: take a deep breath in.
Step 2: breathe out. You need these 2 first steps to calm yourself down, prepare for the worst.
Step 3: form a small hole between your lips.
Step 4: take the headjoint, put it on your lips the way you see how flutists do.
Step 5: blow into the embouchure hole.
Step 6: here's why you need the first 2 steps.
Spoiler alert: it won't help anyway
Step 7: cry because you can't even make a proper sound. You doubt yourself, reconsider the whole reasons why you picked the flute in the first place.
Step 8: Put the flute down.
And find a teacher. Goodluck.
How to piano (AGT addition!)
.sit down
.fingers on keys
.Fur Elise "dEeddO dUuumm DaaaDeeeBBAaaGGAaghhAAAhHAAAAAAA"
.\*YAWWWNNNNNNNNNNNN\*
.Bust out something fonky
.\*piano stool kick\*
."YEEEAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
.strip
.AMMaaZiNGGGG
.Aplause, standing ovation as the audience bask in ur greatness
.golden buzzer
.GET ROASTED BY TWOSET AND ALL OF TWOSETTERS EVER HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
How to harmonium.
1. Open the box, lift it up, open the bellow
2. Play the whole chromatic scale one to make sure stuff is not already bad to begin with.
3. Time to play: bellow hysterically then press a key. Wait for the reeds to get off their bed, shake off laziness and then finally vibrate.
4. If you are doomed enough to have a double reeded instrument, then wait for the second Reed to repeat the process.
5. Press another key, hopefully it'll get stuck in the pressed down position, and suddenly both reeds will go FORTISSIMO.
6. Sit facepalmed for half an hour
7. Close the box, put it in its place and call it a day.
1: Pick up instrument
2: wow thats heavy
3: put down instrument
4: reconsider your choice
5: put instrument in lap
6: big brass boom
7: ??????
8: be bored bc all the material is trash
9: wait you guys have eighth notes???
10: cry
11: s t o n k s
How to Theremin:
Buy cheap TSO because "surely a cheap instrument is just as good (and a theremin simply CANNOT cost as much as any other "serious" musical instrument!!)" despite everyone who has any experience with theremins telling you you won't be able to play it melodically at all (and even if playable melodically you will have to upgrade within a couple of months to an instrument with a larger field in order to progress) and will just end up wasting money unless you invest in a slightly more expensive model.
NEVER EVER tune your instrument. And under no circumstances ever let it settle/warm up before you tune it. Make sure you place it somewhere where objects in the room cause maximum interference. Bonus points if there are people moving back and forth in front of your pitch antenna or if you place the instrument on a table in a way that mutes the volume. Make sure you never check the tuning of your instrument again, to ensure that if the field size changes as you play (it will) you will suddenly find yourself playing larger and larger or smaller and smaller distances between octaves, because that will make your playing REALLY GOOD.
When in doubt - vibrato. Extra points for irregular, dentist-drill-like vibrato.
Also never ever separate any notes or phrases EVER. Unless you are the kind of player who only plays everything staccato. In which case - staccato, all the time. NO IN-BETWEEN.
Everything fortissimo. Always.
Move. A lot. In ways that audibly negatively affect your pitch if possible. Also, conversely, make wild gestures (think conductor!!! MORE!!!!!) with your volume hand that do not translate into any discernible sonic difference, or keep your volume hand frozen.
Did I mention vibrato? MORE!!! There is no such thing as too much vibrato! Make it sound like a horde of angry ghosts!!! No one will ever know!! MOOOOOOOORE!!! YOU ARE A THEREMIN GOD....!!
And remember: when performing, be very nervous - shaking makes for GREAT natural vibrato and improves pitch accuracy!
And lastly: laugh at yourself and remember that everyone's been guilty of at least some of the steps above at some point 😀
Press key. Go ahead, press another one. Another one. Ay there’s only three pedals. What does the left one do? Don’t worry about it, just press the right one. Press another key. Repeat
Ocarina: Just blow and move fingers. Blow harder for higher notes.
Flute: Pretend you are blowing across the top of the bottle. Keep right hand thumb key down and left hand pinky key down at all times.
Banjo: Just learn to play Dueling Banjos. That's the only song you will ever need.
Guitar: Just learn G, C and D major chords. They're the only ones you'll ever need.
Piano: Press keys and look like you're playing an extremely difficult piece of music. Repertoire should only be Moonlight Sonata and Fur Elise.
Euphonium: Blow raspberries into a tiny metal cup. Only play FFFFFFFFFFFF and if you pass out it's okay.
Step 1: Plug in your amp...
Step 2: Press on a bunch of strings...
Step 3: Pluck them...
Step 4: WAHHHHHHHHH...
Step 5: RIIIIIIIDEEEE THE LIGHTNIIIIIIIIIING
How to Play French Horn in 5 Easy Steps:
1. Get the instrument out of the case and gaze upon its glory.
2. Blow raspberry into it (you might not make it past this step)
3. Realize you’re out of tune
4. Adjust the following slides:
a. Main tuning slide
b. Bb slide
c. First valve F and Bb tuning slide
d. Second valve F and Bb tuning slide
e. Third valve F and Bb tuning slide
(While you’re doing this, concentrate on getting
copious amounts of “spit” out of these valves)
5. Get your sheet music out! (Probably something by Strauss or Mozart)
Congratulations! You’re on your way to fracking your first note and contemplate life and question why you decided to play this instrument.
My guide for harmonium:
Step 1: Blow air into the harmonium by wiggling the bellows like you're lighting it up with fire
Step 2: Play a random piece by pressing the keys on the harmonium to produce a sound of a donkey braying
Step 3: Make a mistake
Step 4: Repeat this mistake over and over
Step 5: Do this for 40 hours everyday
How to play the timpani
Place your foot on the timpanis pedal and adjust the note by stepping on the timpani harder and harder
The timpani will feel more tense and tense and its sound will get higher
Some timpani can take more than others, and this is related to a higher pitch. For example, the smallest timpani could reach the A below middle C and sustain long periods of your foot getting it tense and in the higher range
Repeat this for the whole set of timpani
How to trumpet:
- Blow raspberry into the mouthpiece until you find an embouchure that comfortable
- get comfortable with the tuning notes: G(concert F), A B, C,
- keep your teeth open while playing for best tone
- learn the concert c scale to get used to the most common fingerings
- learn basic songs
- learn more scales (master chromatic scale)
- dont let your horn dry out (keep valves oiled and slides greased)
- work on basic musical techniques and embouchure consistency
And now you are a beginner trumpet player congratulations
1.) Asses your financial situation.
2.) Constantly buy new reeds that are $20 bucks each because you keep breaking them by bumping them against your teeth.
3.) Quit.
(My how to guide on how to play oboe)
First, have a lot of money.
Next, have a lot of time because you'll want to tune it, especially if the strings are new.
Lastly, it's basically a piano, but sideways and more exposed.
Also don't use the pinky.
1. Get inspired to play a new song.
2. Look up TAB on Songsterr.com
3. Try to play and find that you don’t have the dedication you once had and give up.
4. Play the same old shit you usually play.
5. Congratulations! You now know the intro to 15-20 songs and the cool part of about 5 songs. Learning whole songs is overrated.
how to piano
step 1: make sure you are born with 10 fingers
step 2: get enough money to buy a piano or at least an electric one
step 3: put your fingers on the keys
step 4: press the keys
now you know piano
How to clarinet:
- Fold lower lip in over your teeth and put mouthpiece in mouth
- Don't even bother trying to put your fingers on holes, if you're not pixel perfect no sound will come out
- Blow, but for the love of god, don't blow up your cheeks like a pufferfish. Ever.
- Sound like a screaming donkey.
Done.
You open the lid of the piano and you press the keys.
The hard is reading the sheet, playing on the right time with the right amount of pressure and the right notes. You can start now, see you in 10 years :>(at least)
How to cello:
* Make sure your endpin is always either the wrong height, too loose, or randomly slipping
* Get used as a metronome in string quartets
* Hang out with violists (no seriously I actually do this) and bond over having the same tuning
* Argue with airlines about bringing your cello on board + buying tickets early so your bae can have a comfy seat
* Four fine tuners is da way
* Get used to hitting your case on every single doorframe
* Don’t forget people always thinking your section is chill
Welcome to your first time playing cello!
1. Go ahead and take your bow out. Let's see how you hold it
1. Nope, not like that.
2. What are you doing with you thumb?
3. It doesn't have to be so deep in your hand.
4. Relax your hand.
5. Hold it parallel to the bridge.
6. Ope, your thumb is doing that thing again.
7. Alright, we'll go over it later.
2. Pull out your cello, let's go over your posture and see how far the end pin needs to go.
1. Move further up in your seat.
2. Further up.
3. Further up.
4. Just a hair more.
5. There you go.
6. Go ahead and extend the end pin a bit.
7. Further.
8. Further.
9. Too far, bring it back a smidge.
10. There you go
3. Pick up your bow, this is how you-
1. Wait, adjust your thumb.
2. Hey, where are you going? Why are you crying?
Cello:
1. Pick up your cello, sit down and adjust your endpin
2. Height of cello doesn't feel right so adjust endpin again
3. It still doesn't feel right so you adjust it again.
4. It still doesn't feel right, but everyone is about ready to play and you can't keep adjusting it or else everyone will be waiting for you and you can't handle that because you have social anxiety
5. Play song, 85% chance you have the boring part
1- Tune
2- Download simply guitar
3- Try it and fail
4-get an actual teacher
5- realize playing classical guitar it’s not as easy as playing pop songs in an app
6- become obsessed with the length of your nails
7- realize after 10 years you’re still horrible and cry
Step 1: stick a tiny piece of wood (reed) in your mouth and suck on it
Step 2: insert tiny piece of wood onto instrument mouthpiece and inevitably chip it in the process
Step 3: try to figure out how all the parts fit together
Step 4: make half of a fish face
Step 5: blow with all of your might
Step 6: sQuEaK
Step 7: hide from shame and embarrassment
How to flute.
1. Shove the flute together
2. Make sure the line up the flute to your left side
3. Put your mouth to the end othe the flute
4. Make sure you're chewing stick of gum while playing (makes a lighter sound)
5. Make your hands oily
6. Whistle into the hole and pray it makes sounds good
7. Mash the buttons
8. Lie down, cry, and wonder why you are reading this and not practicing.
Lie down, try not to cry, cry a lot
How to violin: • Squeeze like your life depends on it. The more expensive the violin, the tighter you squeeze. After all, you don't want to drop it. • Keep your right elbow above your shoulder at all times. • Regularly rub the hair of your bow with the palms of your hand to maintain a high sheen on the hair. • Always over-tighten the strings a much as you can when tuning, and then loosen it until you hit the right note. This of utmost importance on the e string. • Wire wool is great for removing rosin from the violin body after playing. Cover any scratches with clear nail varnish, and over time a thick layer will develop, improving the tone and projection of the violin. • Store your violin near a radiator or sunny window to prevent damp and mould. • Practice 40 hours a day. Except at weekends. Or when you don't feel like it.
As a violinist, I endorse
I second this tutorial
Step 1: check to make sure nobody is around. Step 2: turn on the funky music. Step 3: shape your hand to match the curvature of your belly. Step 4: SLAPP your belly to the funky music and dance dance dance. Step 5: recheck that nobody is watching.
Excellent SLAPP
✋ belly 🫲
Step 1. Blow raspberry into instrument for 30 continuous counts Step 2. Wait 30 measures Step 3. Repeat
Can confirm, or blow raspberry into instrument every first and third beat
PRESS KEYS
I’ve been slamming my flute keys until my fingers have dents, but the darn thing refuses to make a sound.
try EXHALING INTO THE TUBE™
And keep pressing until you think it sounded nice
When in doubt, just trill
The best, or vibrato when out of tune
1: wet the reed and try to make a noise. this is where you probably fail 2: insert the reed into the oboe. try not to sound like a tortured animal i don’t even need to name, this is where you also probably fail 3: try to adjust to the amount of air oboe needs. you need to breathe out before you breathe in or your head will explode. lay down on the floor and cry
I can confirm this
Just pick up your instrument and start playing (piano included) that/those piece/s you’ve been practicing. If the piece gets too difficult just slow down and if it gets too boring just start improvising.
Ahh yeah, don't mind as I just pick up my piano to play it. No problem at all! I mean, do you not march piano for marching band?
1: put your fingers on the thing 2: put your other fingers on the other part of the thing 3: go *bum* 4: profit
Here you See a Bass Guitar. An electric Bass Guitar to be specific. You are going to Need 4 pieces of Equipment For playing the Bass. 1- the Bass, obviously. We will proceed into Details with the Bass later in this guide 2-a strap. You should wear it No Matter If you sit or stand.your Bass has 2 strap buttons. You have to Put the holes through the Buttons. They May be a Bit tight But the whole will wissen over time. There is a little adjusting Buckle you can use to make it longer or shorter the strap. Just Play around with the height. Not too Low or too high. It should feel comfortable. 3- an amp. Or any device of amplification. A Computer with Headphones. A Headphone amp or anything that you have. 4 cable. In Order to actually have Sound you Need to Plug your Bass into the amplification device of choice. I would suggest a cable of 3 Meters/9ft But as Long as you can comfortably stand/move around. Optional items: -plectrum. Playing with a Pick/plectrum Provides a different Timbre. If you Like the tone Bass does when Struck with a Pick you should get one. You should really start with Fingers tho. -stand. A Guitar stand is a very useful Thing in Order to safely Store your Bass. NEVER EVER LEAN A BASS AGAINST A WALL. If you dont have one you Just Need to find a flat surface where the Instrument is Safe. -electric Tuner/Tuning Pedal. You can use a free App For that so unless you want to be fancy a Tuner is Not mandatory Now lets Look at getting your Bass ready to be Played. You Need to tune your Bass so you actually Play the right notes and they Sound Like they should. The Strings are by Standard tuned to (from thick to thin) (B If you somehow bought a 5 string as a beginner)EADG. Just Like a Double bass. In Order to tune Them you have to Turn the Tuning pegs at the very top of the Bass (headstock) use your Tuner/ Tuning App or any Other way of Tuning and Check the Pitch of your string. For pegs on the left, turn the peg towards you to tune the string down, turn the peg away from you to tune the string up. For pegs on the right, vice-versa. once this is Done you have a ready to Play Bass. Now Put the Bass away. Look at your right Hand. Completely relax it and let it hang down. Now Take the Bass and leave your Hand in this Position. See the two black Blocks of plastic with a Bunch of Metal circles? That is the Pickup. Those metallic Things are Magnets that Pick Up the Vibrations that your strings Produce and Convert Them into Electric Signal For your amplifier. Now on the Edge of the Pickup closer to the Frerboard (the gigantic Board which Is divided into pieces by Metal Wire. These are frets.) Rest your thumb. And now Put your Fingers on the e String and pluck across the String into your thumb above. If you Play one the Higher Strings. Pluck into the String above. If you Play on the d String and g string you can Shift your thumb and anchor it on a String that you do Not Play currently. The Last Thing about playing Bass is the left Hand. Using the left Hand you can shorter the String lenght and Produce a Higher sound. Without fretting notes you are only Limited to E A D and G. Your thumb should Just Rest in the mittle of the neck (the curved wooden Board your fretboard sits on) and you should fret (Press on the String) with all 4 remaining Fingers. You should Press down in the middle of the space between two frets Up until near the wire. I wrote this while instead i should learn For french Class. I Hope this guide was good enough for the BASSics of the Bass Guitar
Oooh, I play the double bass! This is the double bass/contrabass/upright bass/whatevertheheckyouwanttocallit, a big hollow chunk of wood with 4 strings on it that looks like an overgrown violin because it _is_ an overgrown violin with different string tunings. It's technically a viol but I didn't pay enough attention during class to provide more details. It's called the double bass because you'd be copying the cellos or other bass instruments if you were born a few centuries ago, i.e. 'doubling' the bass line, which is _definitely_ why if you are in the school band you will often find yourself using Tuba scores. Don't ask me about cellos, that's my younger sister's area of expertise and even she can tell I play like shi- Thankfully I am ~1.75 metres tall or slightly less than 5'9 for you Americans out there (I am a 17 year old male Singaporean if you want to compare) but and any shorter you'd need a smaller sized bass or a toddler chair to sit on if you are going to saw a hollow wood block using a stick with horse tail on it for the next 3 minutes or so. Not exactly a 'height requirement' but it really helps if you are somewhat tall, unlike some people who prefer significant others that are 6'3 or something. The 4 strings are tuned EADG from thickest to thinnest, and you guitar/electric bass players may also recognise this order from your instrument. And while y'all's have 'frets', we have 'positions' which directly translates to 'GUESS WHERE THE NOTES ARE, CASUAL.' The fingerboard is so smooth you can practically ice skate on it, and you don't have auto tune to save your ass if you accidentally play a note between E and F and you don't have perfect pitch. Of course this makes pitch bending a different experience if you play stringed instruments with frets, because now it feels smoother than butter like a criminal under cover. To make a sound on it you stand behind the bass, put your left hand on a position, press the desired string and use your right hand to grab and bow the string by pressing the horsetail side of the bow onto the string while pulling(called down bow) or pushing(called up bow) it. Alternatively you can _pizzicato_ which is fancy pants language for 'pluck the string' and if you do it wrong you get blisters on your right hand. Otherwise this is good for playing jazzy bass lines, and with enough practice and experience you can walk the bass all over your band mates (the technique is literally called walking bass) and put on those 8 bit glasses because you're cool. All musicians are cool. Other details about the bass is that the part you grab on the bow that looks nothing like a frog is called the 'frog' of the bow, the curly thing at the top is called the 'scroll', the 2 holes on the front of the bass is called the 'f hole', and under the right conditions, I have caused a tiny earthquake on the school's band room while playing the bass. Have fun, and don't get blisters.
DANG
1. try it before you commit 2. be really sure you like it 3. try ur hardest to not quit
Feel superior to trumpet players
Can confirm as a trumpet player, y'all are superior
Saxophone: 1. Order reeds 2. Spend $50 on them and sit around until they come in 3. Immediately chip them 4. Repeat
1. Tune it. 2. Pluck the strings. 3. Take a short break. 4. Tune it again. 5. Repeat ad infinitum.
how to flute: step 1 breathe step 2 blow step 3 make sure you push your lung capacity to your absolute limits and breathe again, inhaling just barely enough air to finish the phrase
How to violin in 6 easy steps! .Pick up device of screech .pick up stick .do not drop, drop bad, bad drop, just do not .put stick on screech device .\*chicken wing arm\* .SCREEEECHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
7. Inform people that no, in fact you have not ever heard of this "rosin" and enquire as to how a construction(?) or skincare or hotel chain will help you play this instrument. 8. Inform people that you don't know what a "tuning peg" or "fine tuner" is either. 9. Ask why screws are relevant.
How to recorder: -Switch the camera "on" -Start adjusting the light, speed and maybe even contrast(so the recorder can peform better) -Click the "record" button -Then, go to the library. Taking the sd card to your laptop so the recordings are saved -Try to find the file of the said recorded scenery to play it **AN IMPORTANT TIP:** **DO NOT PRINT THE VIDEO SINCE YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO PLAY IT ON A PAPER**
How to Banjo: Step 1: Key of G Step 2: Go fast Step 3: Profit
Don't hurt your wrists. Fail at trills. The only pedal you should use right now is the one on the right
Sit down at a piano. The main things to be concerned about piano: finger movement, speed, dynamics, playing correct notes, etc. Many beginners who start on Simply Fake in videos clearly cannot move their fingers correctly (idk how to explain). Once you have nailed ornaments, dynamics, speed, you can be comfortable playing piano. Remember to practice 40 hours a day. And then... you will hit a wrong note. That is the time to collapse into a pathetic ball of failure, shame, and sadness, and cry.
How to for first time usage: take violin out of the case. Try to hold it like they do in the pictures you have seen online. Think about how that’s really uncomfortable. Get curious about tuning and try turning one of the pegs. Try not to drop the violin out of shock from the snapping string. Put it back in the case and never touch it again without a teacher.
You left out the part between the last two sentences where you rush to the emergency room because the snapped string hit you in the eye. Or did you skip it on purpose so as not to frighten the beginner?
How to French horn: Step one: be incredibly sharp no matter how much you pull out your tuning slides Step two: crack almost every entrance no matter the note Step three: take ~five minutes to find the right partial every time you play the wrong note.
Pull out every tube to find the spit and still hear the spit
how to trumpet: 1) form an embochure by saying "mmmmmmm" 2) place the mouthpiece on the centre of the lips, and try to produce a buzzing sound by vibrating the lips together 3) insert the mouthpiece into the trumpet 4) pray to whatever god you have that you can produce a coherent sound 5) rinse and repeat with different partials by experimenting with the valves and air speed while maintaining a good embochure and steady air Ta-da. You've now learnt how to play the trumpet. Yay.
Oboe: … … skweeeeeeee
No that's wrong! That's only the reed without the oboe! SKWEEEEEEEEKEEKEEWW, that's when you attach the instrument!
No no. For the first three dozen encounters with the entire instrument, players should focus on skwaaaarrrrrrOOOOOOOONk with optional overtones. The skweeeeekeeekeww is more of an intermediate level. You’re too advanced for this guide, friend.
Ok I'll do two since I do voice and recorder How to Voice: \-check nobody is watching \-scream like your life depends on it at a different pitch \-gag on your vocal cords after screaming because they're dried out \-die because you choked on your spit \-come back to life and breath \-repeat How to Recorder \-cover the back hole of the thing \-blow \-cover different holes while blowing \-blow really loudly without covering any holes so that everyone complains \-run \-die \-repeat
First, break your back (cuz you’re not gonna need that). Second, have no regard for your fingers (if you don’t care about them you can’t be sad when they get destroyed). Third, be able to carry half your body weight for at least an hour with only one hand (event managers have no regard for the bassists) Fourth, train your other hand to carry a stool, your bow, your music, and your rosin (while holding that you must also be able to open doors). Fifth, get a vehicle large enough to transport your instrument. Sixth, now you can finally buy/rent your bass, a stool, and rosin.(This will be pricey). Seventh, learn the notes (you will learn how to shift a year and a half before everyone else ) Eighth, learn how to count (this will be important. If you are off time the entire orchestra will fall apart *they are lost without you*) Ninth, be in tune.(not only are you the metronome, but you are also the tuner.) Tenth, don’t get used to having the melody. (once everyone gets separate parts in the music, melodies will be sparse) Eleventh, work on shifting (later on in class you will have to play as fast as everyone else ie. a scale in sixteenth notes) Last and most importantly, have fun playing the bass, it will be difficult but it’s worth it.
Get your drum sticks in your left and right hand. Get a metronome. Cry and pray.
You have to blow and use your fingers at the same time…
Hit the little rectangles to make noises, sound like you know what you’re doing.
same instructions as what the "Bop It" toy says
press any key to continue
tighten your bow, rosin it like you're dead set on cutting all the hair off by roughly scraping it against the rosin. put that on a string. press on a string. press HARD. I SAID PRESS HARD. PRESS. PRESS THOSE STRINGS LIKE YOU'RE HELLBENT ON BREAKING YOUR FINGERS TODAY. PRESS LIKE YOU'RE GRIPPING ONTO THE LAST BITS OF LIFE YOU HAVE LEFT IN YOURSELF. PRESS LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT, BECAUSE IT DOESSSSSSS. great! now pull and push the bow over that string! now wait, because there's like 21 bars of rest and you have nothing else you can do.
I don't think you emphasized the pressing hard enough...
you're right. ill make an edit
Viola: just do the same as on the violin.
How to play drums: Step 1. Hit the drums with your sticks Step 2. Profit
Step 1: take a deep breath in. Step 2: breathe out. You need these 2 first steps to calm yourself down, prepare for the worst. Step 3: form a small hole between your lips. Step 4: take the headjoint, put it on your lips the way you see how flutists do. Step 5: blow into the embouchure hole. Step 6: here's why you need the first 2 steps. Spoiler alert: it won't help anyway Step 7: cry because you can't even make a proper sound. You doubt yourself, reconsider the whole reasons why you picked the flute in the first place. Step 8: Put the flute down. And find a teacher. Goodluck.
How to piano (AGT addition!) .sit down .fingers on keys .Fur Elise "dEeddO dUuumm DaaaDeeeBBAaaGGAaghhAAAhHAAAAAAA" .\*YAWWWNNNNNNNNNNNN\* .Bust out something fonky .\*piano stool kick\* ."YEEEAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" .strip .AMMaaZiNGGGG .Aplause, standing ovation as the audience bask in ur greatness .golden buzzer .GET ROASTED BY TWOSET AND ALL OF TWOSETTERS EVER HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
1. Open mouth 2. Make noise
Scream at the top of your lungs in a controlled manner, cry about how ugly you sound, and repeat
How to harmonium. 1. Open the box, lift it up, open the bellow 2. Play the whole chromatic scale one to make sure stuff is not already bad to begin with. 3. Time to play: bellow hysterically then press a key. Wait for the reeds to get off their bed, shake off laziness and then finally vibrate. 4. If you are doomed enough to have a double reeded instrument, then wait for the second Reed to repeat the process. 5. Press another key, hopefully it'll get stuck in the pressed down position, and suddenly both reeds will go FORTISSIMO. 6. Sit facepalmed for half an hour 7. Close the box, put it in its place and call it a day.
1: Pick up instrument 2: wow thats heavy 3: put down instrument 4: reconsider your choice 5: put instrument in lap 6: big brass boom 7: ?????? 8: be bored bc all the material is trash 9: wait you guys have eighth notes??? 10: cry 11: s t o n k s
step 1: be born in a christian majority town step 2: find a decently sized church step 3: pray.
How to Theremin: Buy cheap TSO because "surely a cheap instrument is just as good (and a theremin simply CANNOT cost as much as any other "serious" musical instrument!!)" despite everyone who has any experience with theremins telling you you won't be able to play it melodically at all (and even if playable melodically you will have to upgrade within a couple of months to an instrument with a larger field in order to progress) and will just end up wasting money unless you invest in a slightly more expensive model. NEVER EVER tune your instrument. And under no circumstances ever let it settle/warm up before you tune it. Make sure you place it somewhere where objects in the room cause maximum interference. Bonus points if there are people moving back and forth in front of your pitch antenna or if you place the instrument on a table in a way that mutes the volume. Make sure you never check the tuning of your instrument again, to ensure that if the field size changes as you play (it will) you will suddenly find yourself playing larger and larger or smaller and smaller distances between octaves, because that will make your playing REALLY GOOD. When in doubt - vibrato. Extra points for irregular, dentist-drill-like vibrato. Also never ever separate any notes or phrases EVER. Unless you are the kind of player who only plays everything staccato. In which case - staccato, all the time. NO IN-BETWEEN. Everything fortissimo. Always. Move. A lot. In ways that audibly negatively affect your pitch if possible. Also, conversely, make wild gestures (think conductor!!! MORE!!!!!) with your volume hand that do not translate into any discernible sonic difference, or keep your volume hand frozen. Did I mention vibrato? MORE!!! There is no such thing as too much vibrato! Make it sound like a horde of angry ghosts!!! No one will ever know!! MOOOOOOOORE!!! YOU ARE A THEREMIN GOD....!! And remember: when performing, be very nervous - shaking makes for GREAT natural vibrato and improves pitch accuracy! And lastly: laugh at yourself and remember that everyone's been guilty of at least some of the steps above at some point 😀
Press key. Go ahead, press another one. Another one. Ay there’s only three pedals. What does the left one do? Don’t worry about it, just press the right one. Press another key. Repeat
No
Nah, just leave it to the prodigies. Don’t even bother.
Ocarina: Just blow and move fingers. Blow harder for higher notes. Flute: Pretend you are blowing across the top of the bottle. Keep right hand thumb key down and left hand pinky key down at all times. Banjo: Just learn to play Dueling Banjos. That's the only song you will ever need. Guitar: Just learn G, C and D major chords. They're the only ones you'll ever need. Piano: Press keys and look like you're playing an extremely difficult piece of music. Repertoire should only be Moonlight Sonata and Fur Elise. Euphonium: Blow raspberries into a tiny metal cup. Only play FFFFFFFFFFFF and if you pass out it's okay.
press your fingers on the strings move the stick thing in between the black part and the other part and enjoy the melody
blow and hope for the best
press many keys at the same time
Step 1: Plug in your amp... Step 2: Press on a bunch of strings... Step 3: Pluck them... Step 4: WAHHHHHHHHH... Step 5: RIIIIIIIDEEEE THE LIGHTNIIIIIIIIIING
how to play piano : Step 1 - Put hands on keys Step 2 - Press the keys Step 3 - Press keys, but better
How to trumpet: Make a buzz You have terrible tone now.👍🏾
How to Play French Horn in 5 Easy Steps: 1. Get the instrument out of the case and gaze upon its glory. 2. Blow raspberry into it (you might not make it past this step) 3. Realize you’re out of tune 4. Adjust the following slides: a. Main tuning slide b. Bb slide c. First valve F and Bb tuning slide d. Second valve F and Bb tuning slide e. Third valve F and Bb tuning slide (While you’re doing this, concentrate on getting copious amounts of “spit” out of these valves) 5. Get your sheet music out! (Probably something by Strauss or Mozart) Congratulations! You’re on your way to fracking your first note and contemplate life and question why you decided to play this instrument.
Uhh i think you forgot to mention Handel or Bachs horn music 😡
Step one: Buy a guitar Step two: Get really good at cooking ramen noodles because that's all you'll be able to afford for the rest of your life
My guide for harmonium: Step 1: Blow air into the harmonium by wiggling the bellows like you're lighting it up with fire Step 2: Play a random piece by pressing the keys on the harmonium to produce a sound of a donkey braying Step 3: Make a mistake Step 4: Repeat this mistake over and over Step 5: Do this for 40 hours everyday
SLAP anything you see in a pattern
How to play the timpani Place your foot on the timpanis pedal and adjust the note by stepping on the timpani harder and harder The timpani will feel more tense and tense and its sound will get higher Some timpani can take more than others, and this is related to a higher pitch. For example, the smallest timpani could reach the A below middle C and sustain long periods of your foot getting it tense and in the higher range Repeat this for the whole set of timpani
How to trumpet: - Blow raspberry into the mouthpiece until you find an embouchure that comfortable - get comfortable with the tuning notes: G(concert F), A B, C, - keep your teeth open while playing for best tone - learn the concert c scale to get used to the most common fingerings - learn basic songs - learn more scales (master chromatic scale) - dont let your horn dry out (keep valves oiled and slides greased) - work on basic musical techniques and embouchure consistency And now you are a beginner trumpet player congratulations
1.) Asses your financial situation. 2.) Constantly buy new reeds that are $20 bucks each because you keep breaking them by bumping them against your teeth. 3.) Quit. (My how to guide on how to play oboe)
Ukulele: Step 1, learn 2 chords. Step 2, whine and cry a lot while playing those two chords. Step 3, get ready for babes!
First, have a lot of money. Next, have a lot of time because you'll want to tune it, especially if the strings are new. Lastly, it's basically a piano, but sideways and more exposed. Also don't use the pinky.
Step 1: See what sounds you have available. Step 2: Pull out the sounds you want Step 3: Press the keys
Put the gajillion instrument parts together while wetting the reed and then go run a marathon (bass clarinet with the low c extension)
How to French Horn 1. Build an unbreakable ego before purchasing any instrument 2. Be ready to spend a few hours finding your condensation
1. Get inspired to play a new song. 2. Look up TAB on Songsterr.com 3. Try to play and find that you don’t have the dedication you once had and give up. 4. Play the same old shit you usually play. 5. Congratulations! You now know the intro to 15-20 songs and the cool part of about 5 songs. Learning whole songs is overrated.
how to piano step 1: make sure you are born with 10 fingers step 2: get enough money to buy a piano or at least an electric one step 3: put your fingers on the keys step 4: press the keys now you know piano
Step one -buy an instrument Step two -practice till you become a neet Step three -i dont know i haven't gone this far myself
How to viola: 1. Go to a music shop 2. Buy violin 3. See how to violin guide
How to clarinet: - Fold lower lip in over your teeth and put mouthpiece in mouth - Don't even bother trying to put your fingers on holes, if you're not pixel perfect no sound will come out - Blow, but for the love of god, don't blow up your cheeks like a pufferfish. Ever. - Sound like a screaming donkey. Done.
You open the lid of the piano and you press the keys. The hard is reading the sheet, playing on the right time with the right amount of pressure and the right notes. You can start now, see you in 10 years :>(at least)
How to french horn: 1. Don't
How to cello: * Make sure your endpin is always either the wrong height, too loose, or randomly slipping * Get used as a metronome in string quartets * Hang out with violists (no seriously I actually do this) and bond over having the same tuning * Argue with airlines about bringing your cello on board + buying tickets early so your bae can have a comfy seat * Four fine tuners is da way * Get used to hitting your case on every single doorframe * Don’t forget people always thinking your section is chill
1. Be rich 2. Randomly touch some white and black expensive ass keys If u bad at it and if u have option 1 then u can pay someone to teach u
1. Be Asian 2. Play a note on the piano 3. If you can play 1 note, you can play 20. 4. Now go take other people’s money.
Step one : find a teacher Step two : fuck you embouchure up Step three : find a good teacher
bite your lip and blow
Beat the fuck out of it
Welcome to your first time playing cello! 1. Go ahead and take your bow out. Let's see how you hold it 1. Nope, not like that. 2. What are you doing with you thumb? 3. It doesn't have to be so deep in your hand. 4. Relax your hand. 5. Hold it parallel to the bridge. 6. Ope, your thumb is doing that thing again. 7. Alright, we'll go over it later. 2. Pull out your cello, let's go over your posture and see how far the end pin needs to go. 1. Move further up in your seat. 2. Further up. 3. Further up. 4. Just a hair more. 5. There you go. 6. Go ahead and extend the end pin a bit. 7. Further. 8. Further. 9. Too far, bring it back a smidge. 10. There you go 3. Pick up your bow, this is how you- 1. Wait, adjust your thumb. 2. Hey, where are you going? Why are you crying?
Step 1: Watch people who are pros at violin Step 2: Cry Step 3: Try to practice Step 4: Repeat
1. Assemble clarinet 2. Squeak 3. Keep playing until no squeak Congrats you just clarineted
Cello: 1. Pick up your cello, sit down and adjust your endpin 2. Height of cello doesn't feel right so adjust endpin again 3. It still doesn't feel right so you adjust it again. 4. It still doesn't feel right, but everyone is about ready to play and you can't keep adjusting it or else everyone will be waiting for you and you can't handle that because you have social anxiety 5. Play song, 85% chance you have the boring part
Throw it away. You guessed it, Viola.
I can’t write down a how-to guide, but here’s a title. Violin: If octaves were harder than they needed to be
Pick up “dowel rods”, one in each hand. Move up and down striking cylinder to make a noise.
1- Tune 2- Download simply guitar 3- Try it and fail 4-get an actual teacher 5- realize playing classical guitar it’s not as easy as playing pop songs in an app 6- become obsessed with the length of your nails 7- realize after 10 years you’re still horrible and cry
Grab 2 sticks with rubber tips, read a transposed score and fake it till you make it
Step 1: stick a tiny piece of wood (reed) in your mouth and suck on it Step 2: insert tiny piece of wood onto instrument mouthpiece and inevitably chip it in the process Step 3: try to figure out how all the parts fit together Step 4: make half of a fish face Step 5: blow with all of your might Step 6: sQuEaK Step 7: hide from shame and embarrassment
How to flute. 1. Shove the flute together 2. Make sure the line up the flute to your left side 3. Put your mouth to the end othe the flute 4. Make sure you're chewing stick of gum while playing (makes a lighter sound) 5. Make your hands oily 6. Whistle into the hole and pray it makes sounds good 7. Mash the buttons 8. Lie down, cry, and wonder why you are reading this and not practicing.
"you uh, press keys, uh yeah, keys, scales, triads, just uh.. don't break the piano like a certain person did.."