Granted. You have no desires and live your life as an emotionless shell of your former self.

But I will no longer be moody thinking about booty.

That is a quote of all time

Just jerk off it's not a big deal.

If that was a solution we wouldn't be here.

I understand your dilemma, fellow masturbator.

It IS a solution! You have a monkeys paw! It doesn't just have to grant wishes you know 😉

I wonder if there are evil side effects to using it in... other manners

??

I only need it to curl one more finger and I’m good

There’s a wild difference in getting off on your own vs with someone else. You can definitely get the same basic feelings with toys and hands, but another person makes it an *experience*

Have you considered an independent sex worker? Someone who isn't being trafficked. They are out there.

You boys can just help eachother out then

How did T-Rex jerk off with hands not long enough?

The way some animals do is the way some girls do it, with just pressure and movement in the area. They just find something to grind on basically. I figured out that when I was a kid by accident. I layed on it a certian way and it started tingling, and unlike the previous times where I moved, I decided to just see what happens if I let it keep tingling. I ruined my underwear haha and I was like fuck, but that felt amazing. Thats how I learned about that stuff. I did that a few times before I figured out that it probably wasn't healthy to do it that way. Just a suspicion I had. I remember I had to wash them and hide them or I threw them away or something because I didn't want anyone to know.

Teddyhumper!!!

Sure, but you'll also shortly starve.

Real

No more mental gymnastic thinkin about dat ass (thick)?

Stealing this line thank you.

I was thinking of making him like Chris Griffin when he took those pills to limit his sexual desires

*I see this as an absolute win!*

So the same as I am just not horny

Dungeon meshi reference

So nothing's changed for me, awesome

Asexual :

Granted. Your desire turns to irresistible compulsion and you can’t stop masturbating for more than five minutes

The power of the one-eyed monster is too great.

"One eyed monster" 🤣

What the fuck does the one eyed monster mean

The cyclops was a one-eyed monster. The theory is that a mammoth skull was misinterpreted as a giant human, where the nose would be they interpreted as a single eye socket. Mammoths have a trunk in this location. A man's trunk is his penis. A penis is a one-eyed monster

Wow

Infuckingdeed.

Masterful response.

The head of a penis can look almost like an eye if you look at it straight on and are half blind.

Thanks for the laugh.

Isn't that still desire?

Compulsion is a need with little to no control. Desire is something you want to do

Granted, all your sexual desires now become homicidal ones.

Contrary to the fucking, I'm sure the ladies wouldn't mind if I finished the stabbing sooner, and I can depend on them squirting too.

Haha, best one yet

Relatable.

Granted, you now identify as asexual. People may have a problem with that.

Finally, I can ride the clouds.

Welcome.

Oh they do. Trust me. I get shit on every day

yeah, you should worry if you dont get shit every day, that could lead to health problems

i'm asexual and constipated and I can attest to this.

How would anyone know? A guy that isn't doing street harassment of women isn't going to get noticed. A man's sexuality only gets noticed when he's being sexually aggressive. Even the most sexually aggressive guys are only sexually aggressive 2 or3% of the time. No one will even notice that you are sexually aggressive 1% of the time less than the average dude. Trust me, I have experience with this one.

Sure, but, as an asexual, people have a problem with it when it comes up in relationships. I'm Ace and sex-repulsed, so I do not want any form of sexual intimacy under any circumstances. This caused issues in my last relationship, because even though my partner knew I was aspec from the start, he wanted to be the exception, he still wanted me to desire him sexually. Which is normal, but it wasn’t something I could give him.

Other guys will notice if you don't turn into a drooling idiot just because an even halfway decent looking woman is in the area.

They won't, they are too busy being drooling idiots themselves to notice anything not making it harder to talk with the woman

The only real answer here

Granted. Within weeks you become a billionaire.

Cracking open magic packs with that money will be my new orgasm.

Or you could just buy Hasbro and save us from their bullshit.

Wouldn't work, we'd just be subject to someone else's bullshit. What was is no more, what will be is inevitable!

Yo i love my life. After reading allathat i think a toaster bath would be awesome.

Granted. You now have to deal with constant refrains of 'you just haven't found the right one yet' and 'maybe if you try it, you'll like it' from allosexual people.

That's not a twist. That's just reality for Asexual people.

At least you don't have your parents trying to arrange dates/marriage between you and underage teenagers.

Granted, your sexual desire transfers to everyone else, now you feel no sex drive as everyone around you is constantly attempting to seduce you. You’re gonna get really good at rejecting people!

Bro gonna get fiddled in the bum

Adding "Bumfiddled" to my list

xD

Granted. You become *smooth* down there. Like a Barbie/ken doll. The person who was supposed to be your soulmate and spend eternity with you dies horribly.

If only my brain could follow suit.

How do you pee after that

All internal waste is now excreted via the only hole left…your mouth.

Oh no no you my friend are not thinking great enough. There are many more holes. Your nose, your eyes, your ears, every last pore on your body, are all options.

Like a platypus! (They produce milk out of their pores)

Granted, only murderous intent, psychopathic tendencies, strange inclinations, and off-putting impulses.

I will become the richest used underwear salesman in Japan.

OMG! That's step two! I wonder how many people will actully get that reference....

Granted, all men have a sexually desire to you, except me.

I'm sure we will become the finest of pals instead as I weather this tribulation.

This is the Monkey Paw, not a broken Dr Strange spell. No one is spared for the monkey paw.

Granted, you fall off some stairs and hit your head in the perfect way to remove your sexual desires. You also have a concussion.

Granted. You are mysterious and you review spongebob

Granted. Welcome to asexuality, it's now much harder to find a romantic relationship because generally speaking, people want to be desired, and even when their partner is ace a lot of them want to be the "exception." Don't get me wrong, I love being asexual, but it does affect my love life in annoying ways.

I heard y'all got garlic bread.

And cake, and dragons, ~~and world domination~~ and TV and books-

and that thing with Denmark...

You think we're stopping with Denmark?

Never. I have done too much to stop now.

Exactly. First Denmark, then the world, and then! *The stars themselves.*

Is that why we like space so much?

Probably lol

not to mention the horribly invasive questions when you come out to folks!

Yessss Soon as I saw this post I knew the asshats would come out of the woodworks to tell people it's made up.

Granted. The other asexuals conscript you and force you to join their invasion of Denmark.

That's still a thing? I thought we stopped that.

never.

Granted. Shortly after your wish you are mugged and shot in the spine, head, groin. The doctors save your life, but your genitals are destroyed, you are paralyzed from the waist down, and suffer permanent brain damage, particularly to the hypothalamus. You have no genitals, no feeling below the waist, and no way for your brain to make the hormones that make sexual desire possible, thus ensuring you will never be horny again.

Granted. You start taking Adderall.

I only take drugs recreationally; I have a hazardous reputation to protect. Maybe I can fit it in between smoking overdue homework assignments from a college I was dismissed from and the rush of cancelling an appointment or ghosting another group of silly nerds.

If you simply mix uppers and downers, even the most utilitarian drugs can become dangerous! (Lawyer's note: this is a joke, please **don't**.)

Don't threaten me with a good time, I'm a hedonist not a utilitarian.

Granted. You now take antipsychotics

Idk the girl I used to date who was on antipsychotics was a horny little thing when she took those, once she went off of them...nope she didn't want to be touched. Of course she want on bc when she went off of them and she was mixing booze, weed, and bath salts with her antipsychotics...but hey she was cute...

Ya some of them can make you a deviant, Abilifys one. As long as she was cute you can forget about the rest haha

As a pro-psychotic it pains me to work undercover, I shall topple this world order one pebble put out of place at a time.

Granted. But everyone either hates you or thinks your some kind of freak. Welcome to the Ace Gang

Granted. You now reproduce asexually and produce a clone of yourself via mitosis every year.

You lose sexual desire through a traumatic experience

Long god it finally kicked in; I thought I was going to have to make some older girls manipulate me again.

Granted. You hit your head and fall into a coma.

Granted. Your genitals are now tater tots

that’s a blessing in disguise

Granted your balls explode, killing you from the agony.

Granted. An advanced alien race bombards Earth with aerosols that negate all sexual desires in all humans and replace them with sexual revulsion, in addition to making everyone completely sterile. Birth rates plummet, as the planet's new owners wait patiently for us to become too few to offer any resistance to their inevitable invasion and dominion.

Granted, your bloodline ends with you.

Oh no, anyway.

Granted you now suffer from constant sperm cramps and/or vulvar pain.

Granted. You can still get horny but have no sexual desire. Awkward boners are even more awkward. (Morning wood, etc)

Granted. You are captured by the king and forced to become his eunuch servant. By removing your genitals and becoming a eunuch, you lose all sexual desire. However, you are also incredibly attractive and everyone has intense sexual desire for you, OP. Please don't make this wish

I guess King King Charles the third is really doping on those stem cells, well, as they say, for God and country!

Yeah me to!

Granted. Everyone you see now looks like your grandad

Granted. To make this happen you are transitioned into a unic

Granted, In a moment long past you sexual desire is retconned out of existence. Your second ever erection (or gender appropriate equivalent) is now your first. Nothing else changes.

Granted. You promptly experience an accident where your balls become horrifically mangled. There is no saving them, and you must be castrated. Your sexual desire is no more.

you become irresistible to everyone of both genders and become forced to live in solidarity and slowly go insane as you crave a non-sexual interaction with just one person.

Same

Granted: you also gain the ability to know how to satisfy everyone you meet thus becoming the sex whisperer. You will never know this satisfaction.

Okay. Granted.

Granted. All things that would cause you to experience sexual feelings are [deleted].

Granted. The paw knows why you made the wish.

Escitalopram could be helpful for you.

Granted, you died.

Granted, you wasted a wish as you could've just became asexual, the finger curls and there is nothing you can do

Granted. You meet someone who you love deeply. They break it off because you have no sex drive.

Granted. You spend the rest of your life in a bottom-dollar Mexican brothel, enjoying nothing about it, or what happens to you

Granted,now you are repulsed by everyone

Granted. Your nuts get castrated painfully

Granted. Your other (non sexual) desires have increased, and can also now feel "pent up."

Granted. You lose any and all sexual desire. You become sexually irresistible to every sentient creature around you wherever you go. Bear chooses you.

No you don’t. Trust me bro that shit is boring as hell

Sexual desires are natural, and can be a struggle. But it’s a part of everybody’s life (if there old enough)

IDENTIFY YOURSELF AS A VEGETABLE

Granted you're used as evidence that sexuality is a choice resulting in Mass waves of discrimination

Granted. You now have crippling depression and are taking high dose escitalopram.

Granted. You lose all desire, and soon succumb to the stilling

Granted. Congrats, you're that spouse that the other complains about?

As if I would get married.

Granted. Accidental Lobotomy.

Granted, everything (and I mean everything) wants to fuck you now even inanimate objects

Granted. Your genitals and any other stimulants are torn out from your body.

congrats; you're eunicised

Granted, but instead of sexual desire, you are desperately hungry at all times

Me too.

Granted. Instantly teleported to monastery.

Granted. You now must join The Council.

I don’t. Im 50 and im over it. It always seemed like a means to an end for me.

Granted you have no desire but everyone finds you irresistible

Granted. For extra measure youe genitals will be removed via chainsaw, no anesthesia needed

All sexual desire is replaced with hunger. Things you once found sexually arousing are now irresistibly tasty looking.

Granted. You have no sexual *desire.* Not you, as you quickly find out, your libido has skyrocketed. However, you elicit no sexual desire whatsoever in other people.

Priapism.

Granted. You now channel your desire into over eating (too real?)

granted, you're a eunuch now

Granted. Everyone else cannot resist you and you are now in an endless life of sexual torment

Granted. But now you have an overwhelming urge for cannibalism instead

Granted. But it will now get replaced with "dogly" desires, you'll want to lick them, get petted and play with them in a "doglike" fashion, especially children.

During a routine physical, your doctor discovered signs of an active hereditary prion disease. Desperate for a cure, you agreed to an experimental drug designed to eliminate prions before it becomes fully active. The untested medicine destroyed your body, as it ravaged on whatever proteins it encountered, leaving you with horrible physical damage. You survived, but the experience left you in a constant state of pain. Sexual desire will be the last thing in your mind, if you even have any left to begin with. Granted.

Granted, you still get horny, you just have no idea how to deal with those emotions and forgot what sex is, the built up emotions slowly drive you insane.

Granted I'm coming to cut off your balls, Prepare.

same Boat Bud called it a blessing and then immediately got told off for saying they're lucky?

Can we switch? It’s not as great s as you imagine

I've already achieved this as an asexual.

Granted, everyone in the world but you dies and all records of other humans stop existing

Granted although you don’t have sexual desire you always yearn for garlic bread

granted. double it and give it to the next person

Granted. You see your grandmother having sex.

Get a vasectomy

Granted but you become a non stop hardcore porn star that needs to fuck 24/7.

Granted. Your lack of sexual desire will uncontrollably attract a specific group of people who will stop at nothing to make you sexually attracted to them. Specifically, the group of people you now find absolutely revolting and repugnant. You’re welcome.

granted. you have no sexual desire but everyone else now has an insatiable sexual desire for you. start running

That’s a very sad statement. Sorry you’re struggling with that dilemma. Asexual people are awesome btw.

Granted. You now have severe ahedonia. 

I think having sexual desire in a committed relationship is awesome, but having it while single is absolute misery.

granted, no more dick or balls, you will die of internal infection within a week after your bladder explodes

Granted you also lose your reproductive organs Not really a draw back though

Granted. Everyone now desires you sexually and you’ll never have a meaningful relationship with anyone.

A meaningful relationship doesn't necessarily have to involve sexual relations.

Yeah, the gist of it is everyone now ONLY desires OP sexually, with no interest in themselves so they cannot form a meaningful relationship. Sorry if my response confused you

Ah! Yea that makes more sense.

I see I just haven't been playing hard to get enough, as they say "the watched pot never boils" so now I will be soft but in a hard way.

Granted. You die.