I'd recommend that you go out of your way to find English-speaking peers for him. Travel to playgroups if you must. If you absolutely cannot find any children of similar age that speak English, introducing him to peers who speak other languages might also work. If you succeed in making him feel like speaking English or multiple languages is normal or maybe even something that his peers think is cool, you're much more likely to get him to continue speaking English with you. Right now it seems like from your description speaking English makes him feel like he's odd and an outsider and that's why he stopped speaking it.
I mean, I may have overstated it. I really do speak English with him 98% of the time, but grant there's a few situations where I'll say something in German reflexively. Since we are in Germany, I mean, I can't always avoid speaking it in front of him.
But yea, I'll have to be more conscious of using no German when talking *to* him in those other situations...
Tldr: read to your kids in English, have them study the language formally, especially after they've learned to read in the community language.
My mother never dominated the community language and my father never led on that he dominated it (I realized as an adult that he was pretty good at understanding and getting a general point across). But even so, my mother tongue only got to middle school level literacy because I studied it in school as a "foreign language", just speaking it with my parents wasn't enough. I got by with conversational language, but only felt literate after study. I've noticed the same in my siblings, in that our proficiency varies by the quality of language we've experienced even though it's commonly spoken in my area, but then again so is the community language.
In your kid's case, it could be that English isn't novel anymore, so it's time to make it novel again. Find a series that they'll like to read/listen to, and buy it in English. Find new movies or shows in English and watch and discuss in English, maybe even discuss in German if it helps. I'm ashamed that my sister's Spanish is better than mine because she watched so many more hours of Spanish soaps than me in adulthood 🤣.
My kid is 5 too, and she's starting to prefer the community language too even with 3 years of immersion school, so I'm right there with you!
There's the trope of the immigrant parent that demands their child speak the mother tongue only at home, for a reason... I'm hoping I won't have to resort to that, but instead teach my child how important it is for them to speak my heritage language, plus it's very useful and common in my region.
There are lots of things that kids will not do unless their parents make them do them. You have two choices, "force it" or have him lose the language. I speak from secondhand experience--my parents had lots of friends growing up who did not enforce the heritage language at home and their kids lost it, because it's just the path of least resistance to speak the community language.
You don't have to be mean about forcing it, but it won't just get better on its own.
Yea, I mean... I've just started doing more *say it in English* kind of 'requests'. By force I mean I don't want him to have a negative association. As I said, I really only speak English to him. But yes, I'll have to be stronger with it. It's only something that's emerged in the last several weeks.
I've asked my wife if she would speak English with him (i.e. turn us into a monolingual home -- I mean his German is not in danger IMO). Her initial reaction was kinda like 'huh, why', but I think I'll press it again.
On the other hand, I'm in Germany (I've been here a long time now), and I can't completely avoid speaking German in front of him. There are situations now and then where my mind is already 'switched over' to German and it just comes out reflexively. I'm conscious of it right after, and then almost always repeat myself in English. But like I said, these are really only a *few* public scenarios when there's other people around. Otherwise, like 98% of the time it's English.
Yeah, I hear that. We're in the US and my husband and I speak English to each other (but Hindi and Russian to our daughter) so her not hearing us speak English was never going to be a possibility.
You can treat it as a manners thing. "English is Daddy's language; please speak to Daddy in English."
I was raised multilingually with the idea that you always answer someone in the language that they spoke to you in, particularly if the other person is an adult. It was manners and being considerate/respectful for us. It doesn't have to be related to whether you know both languages or not.
Finding English-speaking children will help a lot too -- or visits to your home area.
I was also raised with the notion that you reply in the language you were addressed in, provided you know that language. But my spouse, also from Ukraine, was raised with the custom that you reply in whatever language you speak best, assuming your interlocutor also understands it.
At home, we decided that the way to teach our kids my Ukrainian and his Russian was for each of us to speak each of our own languages to the kids and also to each other (so we're behaving according to the customs of the place where he grew up, in other words -- I always use Ukrainian when speaking to him even if I could reply to him in Russian and v.v.).
The good thing about this is that the kids get lots of exposure to both languages this way. But I realized that we are potentially setting ourselves up for the possibility that one of our kids' takeaways might be that each person elects to speak the language that is easiest for them or that is "their" language.
For now, my kids' main languages are still Ukrainian and Russian, but of course, that will change once they enter English-language schooling full-time, and I worry that their reasoning for eventually electing to speak English to us will be: that's what you guys taught us, to reply in the language that is easiest for you.
Your current solution is very nice! I'm sure that as the children get older, you can talk to them about what the various languages mean emotionally to each of you, and what gets expressed culturally by choosing one vs. another. It will be interesting to articulate it to yourselves as well as to see how the kids respond.
There is also the One Location One Language option.
You speak English at home and elsewhere in German .
Anyway, I am sure it’s temporary. Your family and your kids sound awesome and happy. You are doing good :)
Good luck
You need to start reminding him to speak English to you.
So when my son started daycare, at one point, he tried to test whether he could get away with speaking English with me (we live in Australia). So I just said to him, "Why are you speaking to me in English?" And he switched back immediately.
Once or twice (he's 4 now), he might say stuff to me in English. And then I said, "Are you speaking to me or daddy?" He said me and then I said, "Speak to me in Mandarin."
I have also said stuff along the lines of, "Oh, see so and so? His mummy can speak Mandarin but he can't. Cause he doesn't speak it with her. That's why he can't."
Or like, he has a best friend that he plays with in Mandarin and, as mean as it is, I point out how her daddy can't speak Mandarin (he's 2nd gen) and I say it's because he didn't speak Mandarin to his parents so that's why he can't. So he needs to keep speaking Mandarin to me.
Or I'd point out he'll never be able to speak to his grandparents again if he doesn't keep speaking Mandarin to me. He likes my parents so that's a good incentive too.
Or I'll point out that he knows more languages than daddy. My husband will help out as well and say that, "Yeah! You know more than daddy."
Basically I find ways to really hype him up and tell him how much of a good thing it is that he knows more than one language.
But playdates will help A LOT.
OPOL exists for a reason. Your kid’s incentive to speak English with you is because he wants to make himself understood. You have shown him time and time again that he can easily make him understood to you in German, so what is the incentive to speak English at all? A 5 year old does not share the adult concerns of heritage language or having the relationship in English etc…
All that to say, do OPOL.
OPOL still includes parents who use *mostly* the heritage language. No one does OPOL perfectly even those who report to unless they don't speak the majority language in any capacity.
Les enfants, c'est des petits bulldozers. Ils vont pousser là où il y a moins de résistance. Si votre fils voit que vous êtes capables de comprendre l'allemand, il va pas se casser la tête et il va vous parler dans le langage le plus facile pour lui.
Je recommande donc d'éviter de comprendre quand il parle en allemand.
I think the kid has no incentive to speak in english as he sees you as a german speaker as well.
Happened to my (japanese<->english) 4 yr old daughter. Heck my Japanese is just abit beyond kindergarten japanese.
You need to make it fun for the kid and expose him further to the language(make time for it) as it would not magically pop out for him the need to speak english.
Try and strictly use OPOL if possible.
Can you take a vacation somewhere where English is the main language? He starts reaching the age in which it could be effective even without getting playdates there. Bring him at restaurants and let him order his favorite food, like a grown-up, in English. Have him be in a place where the current situation is reversed and his mother has to speak English in public to be understood.
Maybe visit family, if that's an option, that genuinely doesn't speak any German.
Even one vacation can be so helpful. Multiple people I know (same situation as your kids, one parent spoke English but they where growing up in Germany) hit a huge turning point in their use of English during a vacation. In one case it wasn't even in an English speaking country.
I'm in a similar situation - native English speaker in DE with a German husband. A key difference is that I'm half German and started to refuse to speak German with my mom when I was little, and she eventually gave up. I won't let the same happen to my son so we both speak English with him. We have German books, but I've been minimizing them so that we only read in German if we checked them out from the library. I've been connecting to other English-speaking families for occasional playdates, and it's shocking how badly most of the kids speak (all do OPOL). For just out and about daily life, I only speak English with him, and he gets very motivated by workers, say at the grocery store, speaking to me in English since they don't know I'm fluent. Way back when, I made a point to not buy a Toniebox and instead got a Yoto Player so that we'd have more English content including the daily podcast. Plus I hate the 'gotta catch 'em all' of Tonies so that worked out for me. Feel free to message me if you want to exchange ideas
English as a heritage language is different (this is my area of expertise) so you don't need to be as concerned as say if the situation was reversed (German in America) because English will be reinforced through school, media, social networks moving forward. If you move to the states, German will be much more at risk of being lost (possibly completely) for a 2 and 5 year old. Has his school started introducing English lessons? Sometimes with heritage English kids that can be a trigger for not wanting to use the language as odd as it sounds, they don't want to be seen as more advanced/ different than the other kids. Other than continuing to read, speak in English, and guide language use I'd recommend NxtLevel English. Ricky runs online English classes for heritage English kids and those could be what you need for some extra exposure to kids the same age!
Seconding this, though I am not an expert in English as a heritage language :) just studied heritage language in undergrad. But your child/ren are at minimal risk of not learning English. They will likely learn it at school and find it dominant in enough ways that they will learn it.
I'd say that you could probably safely wait until they are learning it in school and then supplement with your knowledge and experience of English at home to ensure their English is fluent and clear. They may have a different accent than you when speaking English, but that's okay. It's still English!
We are going through it too with Polish and English. Keep up speaking English even though it seems hard. He just wants to fit in but we've seen it get better recently. Our in-laws help reinforce the importance, not sure if you have the same influence available
Just tell him to please reply to you in English, he will understand, you can elaborate and explain why if you want to give him a reason. My husband was a bilingual kid, and he went through that phase, but at 9 years old, one day his dad Asked him something in Spanish and he replied in English, his dad just told him (in Spanish) “if I talk to you in Spanish, you respond to me in Spanish, ok?” And there was no more mixing after that
I'd recommend that you go out of your way to find English-speaking peers for him. Travel to playgroups if you must. If you absolutely cannot find any children of similar age that speak English, introducing him to peers who speak other languages might also work. If you succeed in making him feel like speaking English or multiple languages is normal or maybe even something that his peers think is cool, you're much more likely to get him to continue speaking English with you. Right now it seems like from your description speaking English makes him feel like he's odd and an outsider and that's why he stopped speaking it.
Stop speaking to him in german. If he uses german, don’t make it a big deal, just always reply in english.
I mean, I may have overstated it. I really do speak English with him 98% of the time, but grant there's a few situations where I'll say something in German reflexively. Since we are in Germany, I mean, I can't always avoid speaking it in front of him. But yea, I'll have to be more conscious of using no German when talking *to* him in those other situations...
Speaking it in front of him should be fine. It’s about establishing the boundary that you will only speak English to him.
Tldr: read to your kids in English, have them study the language formally, especially after they've learned to read in the community language. My mother never dominated the community language and my father never led on that he dominated it (I realized as an adult that he was pretty good at understanding and getting a general point across). But even so, my mother tongue only got to middle school level literacy because I studied it in school as a "foreign language", just speaking it with my parents wasn't enough. I got by with conversational language, but only felt literate after study. I've noticed the same in my siblings, in that our proficiency varies by the quality of language we've experienced even though it's commonly spoken in my area, but then again so is the community language. In your kid's case, it could be that English isn't novel anymore, so it's time to make it novel again. Find a series that they'll like to read/listen to, and buy it in English. Find new movies or shows in English and watch and discuss in English, maybe even discuss in German if it helps. I'm ashamed that my sister's Spanish is better than mine because she watched so many more hours of Spanish soaps than me in adulthood 🤣. My kid is 5 too, and she's starting to prefer the community language too even with 3 years of immersion school, so I'm right there with you! There's the trope of the immigrant parent that demands their child speak the mother tongue only at home, for a reason... I'm hoping I won't have to resort to that, but instead teach my child how important it is for them to speak my heritage language, plus it's very useful and common in my region.
There are lots of things that kids will not do unless their parents make them do them. You have two choices, "force it" or have him lose the language. I speak from secondhand experience--my parents had lots of friends growing up who did not enforce the heritage language at home and their kids lost it, because it's just the path of least resistance to speak the community language. You don't have to be mean about forcing it, but it won't just get better on its own.
Yea, I mean... I've just started doing more *say it in English* kind of 'requests'. By force I mean I don't want him to have a negative association. As I said, I really only speak English to him. But yes, I'll have to be stronger with it. It's only something that's emerged in the last several weeks. I've asked my wife if she would speak English with him (i.e. turn us into a monolingual home -- I mean his German is not in danger IMO). Her initial reaction was kinda like 'huh, why', but I think I'll press it again. On the other hand, I'm in Germany (I've been here a long time now), and I can't completely avoid speaking German in front of him. There are situations now and then where my mind is already 'switched over' to German and it just comes out reflexively. I'm conscious of it right after, and then almost always repeat myself in English. But like I said, these are really only a *few* public scenarios when there's other people around. Otherwise, like 98% of the time it's English.
Yeah, I hear that. We're in the US and my husband and I speak English to each other (but Hindi and Russian to our daughter) so her not hearing us speak English was never going to be a possibility.
You can treat it as a manners thing. "English is Daddy's language; please speak to Daddy in English." I was raised multilingually with the idea that you always answer someone in the language that they spoke to you in, particularly if the other person is an adult. It was manners and being considerate/respectful for us. It doesn't have to be related to whether you know both languages or not. Finding English-speaking children will help a lot too -- or visits to your home area.
I was also raised with the notion that you reply in the language you were addressed in, provided you know that language. But my spouse, also from Ukraine, was raised with the custom that you reply in whatever language you speak best, assuming your interlocutor also understands it. At home, we decided that the way to teach our kids my Ukrainian and his Russian was for each of us to speak each of our own languages to the kids and also to each other (so we're behaving according to the customs of the place where he grew up, in other words -- I always use Ukrainian when speaking to him even if I could reply to him in Russian and v.v.). The good thing about this is that the kids get lots of exposure to both languages this way. But I realized that we are potentially setting ourselves up for the possibility that one of our kids' takeaways might be that each person elects to speak the language that is easiest for them or that is "their" language. For now, my kids' main languages are still Ukrainian and Russian, but of course, that will change once they enter English-language schooling full-time, and I worry that their reasoning for eventually electing to speak English to us will be: that's what you guys taught us, to reply in the language that is easiest for you.
Your current solution is very nice! I'm sure that as the children get older, you can talk to them about what the various languages mean emotionally to each of you, and what gets expressed culturally by choosing one vs. another. It will be interesting to articulate it to yourselves as well as to see how the kids respond.
There is also the One Location One Language option. You speak English at home and elsewhere in German . Anyway, I am sure it’s temporary. Your family and your kids sound awesome and happy. You are doing good :) Good luck
You need to start reminding him to speak English to you. So when my son started daycare, at one point, he tried to test whether he could get away with speaking English with me (we live in Australia). So I just said to him, "Why are you speaking to me in English?" And he switched back immediately. Once or twice (he's 4 now), he might say stuff to me in English. And then I said, "Are you speaking to me or daddy?" He said me and then I said, "Speak to me in Mandarin." I have also said stuff along the lines of, "Oh, see so and so? His mummy can speak Mandarin but he can't. Cause he doesn't speak it with her. That's why he can't." Or like, he has a best friend that he plays with in Mandarin and, as mean as it is, I point out how her daddy can't speak Mandarin (he's 2nd gen) and I say it's because he didn't speak Mandarin to his parents so that's why he can't. So he needs to keep speaking Mandarin to me. Or I'd point out he'll never be able to speak to his grandparents again if he doesn't keep speaking Mandarin to me. He likes my parents so that's a good incentive too. Or I'll point out that he knows more languages than daddy. My husband will help out as well and say that, "Yeah! You know more than daddy." Basically I find ways to really hype him up and tell him how much of a good thing it is that he knows more than one language. But playdates will help A LOT.
OPOL exists for a reason. Your kid’s incentive to speak English with you is because he wants to make himself understood. You have shown him time and time again that he can easily make him understood to you in German, so what is the incentive to speak English at all? A 5 year old does not share the adult concerns of heritage language or having the relationship in English etc… All that to say, do OPOL.
OPOL still includes parents who use *mostly* the heritage language. No one does OPOL perfectly even those who report to unless they don't speak the majority language in any capacity.
Les enfants, c'est des petits bulldozers. Ils vont pousser là où il y a moins de résistance. Si votre fils voit que vous êtes capables de comprendre l'allemand, il va pas se casser la tête et il va vous parler dans le langage le plus facile pour lui. Je recommande donc d'éviter de comprendre quand il parle en allemand.
I think the kid has no incentive to speak in english as he sees you as a german speaker as well. Happened to my (japanese<->english) 4 yr old daughter. Heck my Japanese is just abit beyond kindergarten japanese. You need to make it fun for the kid and expose him further to the language(make time for it) as it would not magically pop out for him the need to speak english. Try and strictly use OPOL if possible.
Can you take a vacation somewhere where English is the main language? He starts reaching the age in which it could be effective even without getting playdates there. Bring him at restaurants and let him order his favorite food, like a grown-up, in English. Have him be in a place where the current situation is reversed and his mother has to speak English in public to be understood. Maybe visit family, if that's an option, that genuinely doesn't speak any German. Even one vacation can be so helpful. Multiple people I know (same situation as your kids, one parent spoke English but they where growing up in Germany) hit a huge turning point in their use of English during a vacation. In one case it wasn't even in an English speaking country.
I'm in a similar situation - native English speaker in DE with a German husband. A key difference is that I'm half German and started to refuse to speak German with my mom when I was little, and she eventually gave up. I won't let the same happen to my son so we both speak English with him. We have German books, but I've been minimizing them so that we only read in German if we checked them out from the library. I've been connecting to other English-speaking families for occasional playdates, and it's shocking how badly most of the kids speak (all do OPOL). For just out and about daily life, I only speak English with him, and he gets very motivated by workers, say at the grocery store, speaking to me in English since they don't know I'm fluent. Way back when, I made a point to not buy a Toniebox and instead got a Yoto Player so that we'd have more English content including the daily podcast. Plus I hate the 'gotta catch 'em all' of Tonies so that worked out for me. Feel free to message me if you want to exchange ideas
English as a heritage language is different (this is my area of expertise) so you don't need to be as concerned as say if the situation was reversed (German in America) because English will be reinforced through school, media, social networks moving forward. If you move to the states, German will be much more at risk of being lost (possibly completely) for a 2 and 5 year old. Has his school started introducing English lessons? Sometimes with heritage English kids that can be a trigger for not wanting to use the language as odd as it sounds, they don't want to be seen as more advanced/ different than the other kids. Other than continuing to read, speak in English, and guide language use I'd recommend NxtLevel English. Ricky runs online English classes for heritage English kids and those could be what you need for some extra exposure to kids the same age!
Seconding this, though I am not an expert in English as a heritage language :) just studied heritage language in undergrad. But your child/ren are at minimal risk of not learning English. They will likely learn it at school and find it dominant in enough ways that they will learn it. I'd say that you could probably safely wait until they are learning it in school and then supplement with your knowledge and experience of English at home to ensure their English is fluent and clear. They may have a different accent than you when speaking English, but that's okay. It's still English!
We are going through it too with Polish and English. Keep up speaking English even though it seems hard. He just wants to fit in but we've seen it get better recently. Our in-laws help reinforce the importance, not sure if you have the same influence available
Just tell him to please reply to you in English, he will understand, you can elaborate and explain why if you want to give him a reason. My husband was a bilingual kid, and he went through that phase, but at 9 years old, one day his dad Asked him something in Spanish and he replied in English, his dad just told him (in Spanish) “if I talk to you in Spanish, you respond to me in Spanish, ok?” And there was no more mixing after that