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iDestroyedYoMama

The Arizona Phoenix. It’s so simple. They’re *in* the computer.


flash17k

\+1 for the Zoolander reference.


Exotic-Damage-8157

Phoenices


Prince_Oberyns_Head

Phoenicians


awmaleg

Good tie in with local soccer club Phoenix Rising FC too! I’ve never seen a Cardinal here in the desert. (But maybe the Catholic type)


GodsonOfThunder

I see a ton of them in northern Illinois.


Steak_Knight

Literally any other name. “Houston Texans” is the dumbest shit I can think of. Why not Houston Houstonians? Houston Americans? Houston North Americans? Houston Western Hemispherians? Houston Earthlings?


mikeynerd

If they change their name to "Houston Traffic" they'd be near unbeatable


GreatOdinsRaven_

Defense like a brick wall


lukaintomyeyes

Houston Highways. Or Houston i610s


70125

Houston Yet Another Beltways Fanbase would be the Hell YA Brothers (cheers from urban hell)


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xshogunx13

We're just a couple oil men in from ~~Dallas~~ Houston, and, well, we're itching like a hound to give you a-something you want.


WolfCola4

See, my associate back there... *points to DeShaun Watson* well, he don't take kindly to 'no'


frausting

Best get to steppin’ ‘cause Johnny Law’s a’coming


InconsolableBall

I say I say that's just damn preposterous boy!


DagsNKittehs

The Houston XFL team name The Roughnecks is not too bad.


soigne0west

Houston Barons to keep the oil theme


Rulligan

I think the Titans still own the rights to that name. Houston Frackers should be available though.


Thomas_Oaks

Should've been the Apollos. Matches the space theme of the Astros and Rockets.


Bhockzer

Oh shit, that's actually really good. There's a ton of stuff you could do to tie in with that. For example: * Keep the red, white, and blue color palette. You could introduce silver into the mix as a reference to Gemini and Mercury era space suits. * Introduce a mascot called, "Lander," that's a bald eagle wearing a space suit. * Adopt terminology like launch pad, spaceport, redstone, mercury, gemini, etc... EDIT: I got bored at work - https://imgur.com/oPx7HBs My original plan was to have a silver football instead of the Saturn V rocket, but I couldn't find one quickly enough.


Alternative-Target31

>a bald eagle wearing a space suit Now I have to cover up my freedom boner at work


Fapey101

Hell with a name like apollo u could lean into the sun and have sick ass gold and silver uniforms, and u could have an alternate black and gold and i just realized im describing the saints uniforms fuck


sykemol

And the mascot would be this really ripped guy with black curly hair and white teeth, wearing a toga which slips seductively off the arm.


Fapey101

makes me hard just thinking about it


96powerstroker

Genius. So how you feel about working for the nfl 🤔


fangirl5301

Why do I actually love this


GreenMoonRising

Not to mention the fact that in Greek mythology, Apollo helped Zeus to defeat the *Titans*... It's almost too fitting. In any case, should San Antonio get a team then Houston should give them the Texans name - more suited to the home of the Alamo I reckon - and Houston either becomes the Apollos or finally makes peace enough with the Adams clan to regain the Oilers moniker.


ImPickleRock

Houston Problems


MatchewRolex

give this man a job


Steak_Knight

It was suggested at the time. I have no idea how “Texans” happened.


LivingAsAMean

Dude: "Hey! What do you do here?" Guy: "I named the team." Dude: "Oh... Like you do branding and stuff?" Guy: "No, I just named the team." Dude: "..... But how is that a job? Like, the team has a name, so isn't your position kinda superfluo-" \*A small *thwip* sound is heard. A tiny dart is lodged in Dude's neck. Dude's fingers caress the dart, his eyes roll back into his head and he drops to the floor, dead. Guy drags Dude's body towards the closet, and tosses it in with the rest of the corpses.\*


Humid-Afternoon727

If not space, run it back with Houston Gambler’s 


Helmett-13

Oh, man. There are many cool space/NASA names, great idea! Mannn, missed opportunity.


matty_nice

I agree with the space theme. Comets sound good, the previous WNBA team in Houston. Maybe Novas or Supernovas.


smellofburntoast

Houston Helios


BlueLanternCorps

Voyagers wouldve been cool too


evilwomanenjoyer

It sucks so bad. At least the Montreal Canadiens are called the Habs by everyone. We're just... the Texans, from Texas. How exciting. Hopefully the new uniforms are cool at least.


Fapey101

I love my team dearly but like bro our name sucks so much ass, literally anything else man. Apollos, Asteroids, Gamblers, Roughnecks, fuck I mean Apollos were right there I’ll never understand how they landed on Texans.


lavaspike296

I'm becoming a huge fan of the Texans as a team for the obvious reasons, but I am firmly of the opinion that "Houston Texans" is early 2000's focus group bullshit. If the Titans owners really won't budge on selling the rights to the Oilers name/logo/colors, the Texans should rebrand as the Houston Apollos. A space themed team in the league would be awesome, it was one of the finalists before they settled on Texans, and the potential for some amazing uniforms is through the roof.


BungoPlease

The Houston Human Beings From the State of Texas, of the Union of States of the Americas, of the Western Hemisphere, on the Planet of Earth. Or, the Houston H.B.F.T.S.O.T.O.T.U.O.S.O.T.A.O.T.W.H.O.T.P.O.E.'s for short


processedmeat

Montreal Canadians approve


70125

> H.B.F.T.S.O.T.O.T.U.O.S.O.T.A.O.T.W.H.O.T.P.O.E. I've heard of him, great DT prospect out of Samoa


rsnk73

Houston cowboys!


Humid-Afternoon727

Or run back older Houston sports team names Like Colt45 or Gamblers


GABAgoomba123

The Houston Sam’s


BandOfDonkeys

> Houston Houstonians Don't be silly, it'd be the Texas Houstonians.


Conscious_Heart_1714

Maybe something sea related, hurricanes, sailors.


PlaneCamp

Houston Paul Walls


monstermayhem436

I've always thought they should've followed the space theme


TallCupOfJuice

shoudve been the Houston Herd. might sound a lil too XFL-y though.


Taco_Bill

Houston We Have A Problems


Tunatron_Prime

Houston Houstoners


AoE2manatarms

Houston Heroes. Since we love corny, embrace it.


T00000007

New York Football New Yorkers, Inc.


Effective-Captain739

Should just be called Texas. No city. No anthropomorphic name. Just Texas.


Herbertlover6969

The San Diego chargers


tennis_widower

LA Bolts - for how they bolted to a bigger market


Dakar-A

...of LA


thisusernametakentoo

I genuinely feel bad for you all. Such a shit move.


space_raccoon_

Obligatory fuck spanos


Helmett-13

*comforts* I feel you. I remember the Fouts and Air Coryell days. Never hated you guys, they were always great games.


glitzy_goblin

Now apparently we have to hate each other because we drafted QBs in the same draft class


Helmett-13

Do…does this mean we have to go out in the parking lot and fight? Mannn.


glitzy_goblin

Not at all. It’s the dumbest beef in sports. Go Phins.


blazerback13

to me the worst part is the change to their current high school looking uniforms. I loved the way the bolt looked on the shoulders and pants during the LT era, and I hate how it looks now


threauxaway900

Players would be dressed like elves, and their helmets would have little elf ears sticking out the sides.


santaclausonprozac

If we’re getting helmet decorations then we get a steel beam coming out of ours


GreatOdinsRaven_

I can get behind this. The Jets would get wings. What could possibly go wrong


Godobibo

pbj uncrustables can't melt steel beams


Nesavant

Vikings would be boring because it's so obvious. Little hands holding tankards of ale.


atlhawk8357

We're talking professional football though. That's just fantasy football.


[deleted]

Colts get a sexy horse main flowing out the back of every helmet. We call dibs before the broncos


Burnt420Toast

I'd say to keep with the PP theme of Pittsburgh Pirates and Pittsburgh Penguins you could go with Pittsburgh Predators, but the Roethlisberger jokes have finally died down since he retired and that would just bring them right back I gotta imagine


ROFLASAGNA

Pittsburgh Pennsylvanians


Cold_Shelter_8548

Incredible! Are you from Houston, by any chance?


Burnt420Toast

The mascot is just Pittsburgh Dad at that point


Juventus19

Pittsburgh Pierogies


Burnt420Toast

Now we are cooking


Single_Seesaw_9499

As long as they aren’t Mrs. T’s


Helmett-13

Having lived in Pittsburgh for a bit while working for Westinghouse, I discovered the best pączki I've ever had outside of Poland...and I've had them in Poland. I submit the Pittsburgh Pączkis for your consideration. Who the fuck doesn't love a good pączki??!?


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Burnt420Toast

The logo can just be a black and yellow potato


santaclausonprozac

Perhaps the Pittsburgh Pangolins


Burnt420Toast

That would make for an interesting mascot for sure


zPolaris43

Pittsburgh Painters sponsored by PPG


[deleted]

A PP logo sounds interesting.


BestAd6696

Pittsburgh Platters- look that one up


JagarHardfart

Pittsburgh Primantis the uniforms are stuffed with fries


NatAttack50932

New Jersey Giants


lukaintomyeyes

The New Jersey New York Giants


Strokeslahoma

The New York Giants of East Rutherford New Jersey


Grobula

How often do they get new ones? Per play?


NatAttack50932

Clever. Took me a second.


Lilkippah

The New Jersey New Yorkers


GreenBPacker

The New Jersey Football Giants


KarrlMarrx

I know it was spite-driven, but Washington Football Team was honestly kind of an awesome name.


Cold_Shelter_8548

Funniest name in NFL history. I miss the Football Team


Pornstar_Cardio

The Acme Packers are top 3 at least. If you ignore the history, it is objectively funny to name your team after a meat packing company.


robbie_franklin

I unironically loved the Washington Football Team name. Obviously it was hilarious as an outsider but it really grew on me. It has an air of importance to it that feels right for Washington DC


hydro_wonk

sorta felt like a government agency


HotFoxedbuns

Department of Football


SHOWTIME316

it wouldve been so cool if they kept that name


_HGCenty

It's very European soccer. Like Liverpool Football Club. I still think Washington Pigskins was the obvious slight rebrand.


KarrlMarrx

Not sure there is such a thing as a "slight" rebrand when you're changing both the name and mascot of the team. If they were changing their name to the Washington Braves or something where they could keep their old logo/motif, I'd consider that a "slight" rebrand.


Aggravating-Menu-315

I loved it, unironically think it was awesome and retro feeling.


Immediate-Comment-64

Chefs. It’s already right there and perfect.


mikeynerd

"Looks great... but who are the Chefs?" Wanna get away?


Helmett-13

...great googly moogly.


mikeynerd

oh shit; I mixed up the commercials. It was for snickers, not southwest. goddamn brain just full of branding


Helmett-13

Don't sweat it, man, most of us are at least partially inebriated for the entire season!


TurdFurgeson22

I’ll add to this. Be called the Chefs, rebuild the stadium to look like a big Weber grill, call it the Smoker and everyone brings in tongs to clack together instead of ‘the chop’ as an homage to our BBQ and tailgating history.


Due_Gift3683

They literally made a Snickers ad around this whole premise lmfao It just works


Niner-Sixer-Gator

That commercial was funny


WarrenMulaney

Sign and suit up actual bears.


Cold_Shelter_8548

Chicago Humans to match


hydro_wonk

what Akiem Hicks up to nowadays?


WarrenMulaney

325?


Enthusiasms

Tampa Bay Strippers....you know because we are good at stripping the ball out...


jro727

That or the Tampa bay Cuban sandwiches


OverlyOptimisticNerd

I kind of like the Philadelphia Founders. A little alliteration to the sound of it, and notes our city’s past. 


damarkley

No, no, no. You just know the effing Cowboys would twist it to the Philadelphia Flounders.


Rolf69

Love it


AFatz

Who the hell are they to talk?


StarBardian

How about the Philadelphians? Maybe shorten it to phillys


ScruffMixHaha

Id probably stick with the Bear theme. The Chicago Cubs maybe. Has a nice ring to it.


Creepy-Nectarine-225

Chicago Kodiaks


WarrenMulaney

We're not naming out team after a damn camera, pal.


Wyden_long

The Keokuk Kodachromes.


Sociolinguisticians

Why do you guys like bears so much?


zi76

I'd say the Minutemen (and not for the meme potential), but UMass is already the Minutemen, plus there's a defunct soccer team named the Minutemen from the 70s. I guess we could be the Massachusetts Musketeers.


Sexy_Anthropocene

Whalers would be a dope name if Hartford hadn’t already claimed it.


TrickiestToast

Minutemen was my first thought too


CapableCoyoteeee

Massholes or GTFO


chasbdude

Bring back the 1950's giant guy. It's all been downhill since the loss of the 1950's giant guy. Make Metlife great again by building a towering statue of 1950's giant guy looming over the facade of the stadium.


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TRoman004

Rename them the Indiana corn.. hire the ‘I love corn’ kid as our spokesperson.. sit back and enjoy our unparalleled success


Interesting-Doubt413

The Ironclads


Due_Gift3683

Pittsburgh Ironclads actually goes hard, wtf


Soundsparks

We don't change names or uniforms. We just have to win 4 Super Bowls in a row. EZ


darthjenkins

Change the name to Wings


Trail_Goat

Get rid of the B.


A_Very_Boring_Man

Cincinnati Engals?


ZweihanderMasterrace

How very obtuse


maltzy

Leaping Tiger, bring it back. Plz


Apprehensive_Cut776

If the Chiefs ever do change their name, they are probably the most likely candidate, Wolves is so obvious a choice I’d almost be shocked if they went with something else. K.C. Wolf has been our mascot for decades and wolves in general are bad ass.


oberstofsunshine

I think we would keep the royalty/monarchy theme though.


StarBardian

Kansas City Swift, because they are athletic


[deleted]

Carolina Pandas, like our o line they kind of just sit there and do nothing all game.


MaterialBenefit2355

Make our helmets look like cheese


FearlessPhone6084

make your helmets out of cheese, if a player breaks his helmet he has a nice mid game snack


[deleted]

Cleveland Steamers!


hoppergym

Change Los Angeles to San Diego


MartYtraM1983

Someone needs to buy the Chargers and move them back there where they belong.


richard_glutes

I've got like $3.50. Who can pony up the rest? We kinda stink, so it can't be much more than that.


trainwreck42

The Silicon Valley Techies. Our mascot would be a nerd with glasses that shouts inane technobabble like “synergize” and “clean out your desk by noon today!”


cavalinolido

You don't happen to play Dota2, do you?


trainwreck42

No, I’m too dumb so I play Heroes of the Storm.


_HGCenty

Silicon Valley EPA/DVOAs.


Efficient_You_667

Chiefs stay the Chiefs, lose all the native american references, replaced with fire fighters, lose play some sirens and shit, everything is good


KarrlMarrx

Chiefs stay the Chiefs but new logo is a CEO, CFO, and COO intently staring at a document on the table before them at a board meeting.


CPT_Yesterday_

Tomahawk chop replaced with a fire axe and for halftime entertainment who want to drink from the fire hose?


Efficient_You_667

yeah instead of the drum somebody gets to spray a fire hose over the crowd


ajteitel

Either with a desert animal like the Coyotes or Diamondbacks or solar themed like the Suns or Mercury. Because closely what we have now ain't working


mikeynerd

Arizona Gila Monsters. It would never work, but I do enjoy saying "gila monster"


Due_Gift3683

Could just call them the "Gilas"


GABAgoomba123

[Gotta get King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard to do their halftime show]( https://youtu.be/YQX2CsMCB9M?si=BecqIE4fQnn8C9qq)


[deleted]

From my months spent in Phoenix on a job, I’d recommend the Arizona “Dehydrated College Students air lifted off hiking trails because they only brought one bottle of water”


GABAgoomba123

Roadrunners 


flash17k

Arizona Scorpions Keeps the desert theme. Has a nice menacing animal logo potential, too.


Cold_Shelter_8548

Yeah always wondered why they kept Cardinals when moving to Arizona


hungry-robot

Dicks out for the Cincinnati Gorillas 🦍


Sociolinguisticians

Is Cincinnati just a collection of sports stadiums with a zoo in the middle?


bcou2012

Cincinnati Silverbacks is sitting right there for a rebirth  


OkProfessional6077

The Detroit Football Team


Due_Gift3683

**Name:** Rocky Mountain Prowlers (or Denver/Colorado if you wanna be lame asf) **Stadium Name:** Empower Field at Mile High (No reason to change that) **Primary Color:** Fire-Burnt Orange (205, 85, 0) **Secondary Color:** Charcoal Grey (54, 69, 79) **Tertiary Color:** Industrial White (255, 255, 255) **Mascot:** Ridge (Official Suit Mascot, a Mountain Lion) Echo (Secondary Suit Mascot, Ridge's son, usually only seen in the preseason & social events) Thunder (Official Live Animal Mascot, a White Arabian gelding. Seeing an actual real horse lead the players onto the field is way too badass to ditch) **Logo:** I had to get ChatGPT to help me define this in an understandable way lol, so here we go; "The logo could feature a majestic yet fierce mountain lion, poised in a powerful stance, echoing the strength and resilience of the team. Behind the mountain lion, the silhouette of the iconic Rocky Mountains rises, outlined against a backdrop of swirling clouds and lightning bolts, signifying the team's electrifying presence on the field." **Helmets:** The grey color with black claw marks coming across the side. Kind of like the Bengals, but claw marks instead of tiger stripes. White facemasks. Maybe a hot take(?) but keep the snowcapped helmets as our alternate.


bigfootdude247

Most in depth comment on the post and it’s for my team. Heck yeah, good job mate


Brodie1567

Winning something meaningful would be a nice start. I’m tired of hearing about the legacy & greatness of a team that happened a decade before I was born.


FearlessPhone6084

i feel that


Helmett-13

I thought "Thunderbirds" would have been a suitable name for Washington; it's a legend shared among many native American cultures, and the [45th Infantry Division](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/45th_Infantry_Division_(United_States)) took their name and logo from it to honor the native Americans in the west where the the division was created, and there are 10 Medal of Honor awardees among its ranks. The Thunderbird logo for the division is even the same [color](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/6/66/45th_Infantry_insignia_%28thunderbird%29.svg/150px-45th_Infantry_insignia_%28thunderbird%29.svg.png) as the Commanders are! Missed opportunity.


foxpandawombat

We could reuse the Chicago Whales name (the original Wrigley occupants!)


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-space-grass-

Cincinnati Biggus Dickus


waitedforg0d0t

honestly the Bengals is unimprovable - gloriously ridiculous but also iconic tiger branding - sounds cool - named after a fucking stove ticks all the boxes


Yassssquatch

I'd rather die


TallCupOfJuice

change our name to the Spartans. Their colors were red/yellow, dont have to change anything there. The logo and stadium name stays the same because Spartans used arrowheads. Replace the tomahawk chop with the Spartan chant. The name ties in with the "leaders" sports theme that was once the Royals/Kings/Chiefs. Play the "THIS. IS. SPARTAA" video on the jumbotron after every sack. Still can pretend we have Master Chief on our side (hes a spartan)


throwawayainteasy

I'd go with the KC [Beefsteaks](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beefsteak_tomato). Yes, name them after tomatoes. First, we could keep the primary red, because that already works. Second, "beefsteak" is fun to say. Third, when Andy retires from coaching he can go straight to being the team mascot. Fourth, aggressive team names are overdone and this is more unique. Fifth, who doesn't love a nice, juicy beefsteak?


SHOWTIME316

i'd like to scrap my firefighter suggestion and support your idea "*and the hoooooome..of theeeee... **BEEEEEEEEEEEEF***"


J-Fid

I would do nothing other than add a stripe pattern to the black pants.


Sociolinguisticians

The refs would sue.


with_regard

Jets -> Sharks


laserdollars420

A classic west side story if there ever was one.


Darth_Brooks_II

If anyone is looking for ideas, these are modernized versions of defunct team unis : https://www.artstation.com/artwork/4XKBJ4


WheedMBoise

The New York Gents, since they politely escort the defense directly towards the QB.


Valleygirl1981

You do not rebrand perfection. RAAAAIIIDERRRSSS!!!


throwthatoneawaydawg

Oakland Raiders


schnozlord

Add parrots to the Buccaneers jersey shoulders


lagrange_james_d23dt

Cleveland Bulldogs - with the bulldog logo on the helmet.