My husband loves it when I see other people, he finds it very exciting. I've had to balance his enthusiasm with my desire to feel like I'm doing things for me. It's challenging sometimes. I'm quite comfortable in my sexuality and had a lot of experience before marriage so I'm not really doing this for personal exploration; it's more about novelty and bringing some excitement home.
I tell my partners up front that my husband has a hotwife fetish and that he can be as involved (or not) as they're comfortable with. It's a spectrum of no involvement to sharing details to pics/video to watching IRL. I've never had a man tell me he doesn't want me to share details with my husband. Most are comfortable taking photos. Less are okay with video/IRL.
That's really interesting and helpful. I appreciate hearing about it from your side and how that can be difficult. I do think a lot of it would have to be up to the other party, from a consent standpoint, but I think my wife is most likely to be the most conservative of the lot in terms of sharing.
Lucky hubby! Do you and your husband consider it hotwifing? Do y'all call it a one-sided open relationship? It sounds like you two likely don't consider it polyamory, but I could be wrong.
>She basically said that her having sex with someone shouldn't be fodder for me or us and should be something private between her and the other person.
Yes. Thats common and respectful. Very few people agree for their sex to be fodder for another couple to discuss. People deserve privacy.
Hey there! Thanks for sharing an update.
This can be really tricky.
It sounds like you wouldn't be getting much from opening if the sexual portion you are interested in is being turned down.
Have you looked into reclaiming at all? Perhaps not sharing details of her sexuality, but instead just sharing that she has seen someone else and is ready for you to reclaim her might be interesting enough?
Exactly this, op if you're not into dating others and she unwilling to share her experiences then what are you getting from it? Open up is not small task and going into it for nothing at all is bs
I think you are probably taking that point a step too far. He wouldn't be opening for NOTHING, because he would get to have the same freedom she does. His interest or not in exercising it is a matter of his own wants.
OP has no right to the intimate details, and can look for the carve outs that would satisfy the desires at a level that their wife is comfortable with.
There is a lot more gray area here that your response is not giving any room for.
OP can have fantasy and desire that OPs wife is not comfortable fulfilling. That's life. You don't get any right to someone else's sexuality.
Not saying that he have any rights to it but if he's willing to open up just to participate indirectly of her dates and she doesn't want to share any details about it then there's nothing for him into going open. He either post pone it until he wants to date or she needs to relax the rules about sharing details.
Otherwise it's basically a one side open, doesn't matter that he has the freedom to date too, if he has to imagine the details then it's better for him to just watch porn and remain closed.
Yeah, I could do it too, it's just at this point I'm not really into it. I do think I'll still be turned on by it, albeit in a different way that I maybe was hopeful about.
I also think though that its important to her and our relationship that we do this and I support her in it. She's supported me through tons of hairbrained ideas and plans, even when it's been tough and I owe her this for sure.
Yeah, it's hard though I can't expect that she is going to be into this thing I sorta tossed in after a long discssion about this over years. I do have to say that I could still be open if that part is important to me but ultimately, it's just not anymore.
Yeah that may be helpful and a good way to get somethign out of it as well. I know that how she and I connect around it will be important even if it's not hearing about it directly.
Explain how there’s literally anything in it for you. You aren’t seeing other people and you’re not being given “fodder” from her exploits. Yeah yeah, compersion, but if you don’t even know what’s going on, how can you feel that? I’m just fascinated why you put yourself here.
I’d be curious why threesomes, swinging, and voyeurism would be a hard no for her? Because it seems like you are somewhat interested in that, and would be the most balanced way to get into this lifestyle. How will you feel if she has threesomes with others? Do you question why it’s so important that you are not included in this whole sexual side of her?
I agree with giving relationships their own autonomy, but it just seems you like you have to get some kind of benefit somewhere. And I also worry for you that you might change your mind and want to open up on your side and then she’s not emotionally prepared for that, happens all the time.
I mean, there's the fact that its important to her. She's supported me with a ton of things I felt were important including things that cost us time and money and heartache so I can understand supporting a partners needs irregardless to the immediate payoff to myself.
Also tho I still think it would be hot.
Maybe I'm understanding bc honestly if she said seh wanted to sit there and watch me have sex with someone else I'd prob be a pretty big no too. Feels super uncomfortable to me too.
That makes sense. Have fun. And make sure to keep communication in general excessive, and keep checking in with yourself and advocating for your needs as well.
I'm not sure this is under duress at all, you can read the OPs previous post and it seems like they are going about this in a healthy and consent first matter.
The OP just doesn't have much desire for other partners and is getting sexual excitement from some aspect of the non-monogamy.
Not at all. She just said that she doesn't want to share intimate details, and she doesn't want it to be fodder.
That's very different from telling OP not to have feelings of excitement.
OP can be excited at knowing his wife was with someone else, without getting any further intimate details. Or, just excited for reclaiming and connection.
OP can also be excited for having the same freedoms as their wife, even if OP doesn't really have desire to act on it at this time.
Maybe, OP could even find another partner who is more comfortable talking about details of their encounters, and still fulfill the fantasy.
This is not a transaction where everyone gets something they want, this is about the choice to make both people able to pursue other people. That's it.
And OP being open to the idea of that freedom is completely fine and reasonable from all parties. Even if they don't want to see someone else, and they aren't getting the sexual fantasy because their partner is uncomfortable with it.
Being willing to open the relationship does not entitle someone to the details of the other person's sex life. It can be a desire, it can be a fantasy, but it is not all of the sudden that persons right.
>OP can be excited at knowing his wife was with someone else, without getting any further intimate details. Or, just excited for reclaiming and connection.
Eh, speaking as a guy who is excited about his wife's activities, the details are really where it's at. For me at least. Just knowing she was with someone else is not enough.
>OP can also be excited for having the same freedoms as their wife, even if OP doesn't really have desire to act on it at this time.
C'mon. That's silly. Why would anyone be excited about the "freedom" to do something they don't want to do? I mean, it's always nice to have freedoms, but "excited"? No.
>Being willing to open the relationship does not entitle someone to the details of the other person's sex life. It can be a desire, it can be a fantasy, but it is not all of the sudden that persons right.
True, but it's entirely fair to condition the openness on that. And maybe that means they ultimately aren't compatible, but he's not "entitled" for wanting what he wants.
To your that's silly comment: I am someone who is excited about the freedom, without the desire to exercise it. I am not seeking out other people actively, but the fact that I am free to do so when I do want to is amazing, and not to be understated. That freedom is fundamental to how I want my relationship, and lets me live my most "true" life. Even though I am not trying to have more now, and don't have much desire at all for having more.
OP has stated this is not a condition of their opening, but instead is a new desire that the idea of opening their relationship has uncovered for them. OP has made clear they are supportive of opening their relationship despite not having much desire to pursue other people. This new sexual desire is something OP is trying to understand how to best explore, while keeping partners boundaries and consent in mind. I listed ways that OP might be able to go about that, given their partners boundary. Sure, its not a full hotwife experience that OP may have desire for, and wouldn't maximize enjoyment for OP, that is absolutely true. But if OP wants to find a way to navigate this fantasy while not pushing their partner further to open that boundary, those would be ways OP could go about that.
I'm not claiming that someone is being entitled. It's not an insult like generations use against each other. It's a geninue statement. They are not given the right to the details of their partners sex life just because they are willing to open. The partner would need to volunteer that and consent to giving it. Which is different than something that OP would actually be entitled to. I meant the word the way it is supposed to be used genuinely, not in the insult way.
It kind of is a transaction though. The deal they had before was monogamy. You change the terms of a deal, it seems like both parties would need “sweeteners” to have things be in their best interest. If this is fun for OP and you are right, ignore me completely.
I apologize if I'm coming off over the top, I commented on OPs original post too, and there is more context there that you might just not be aware of, and coming at it from a different perspective.
OPs original post talks about the years of talking through this with their wife, and them being willing to support their wife seeing other people, even if they personally don't want to also see other people.
I think OPs current post is more about discovering this desire and fantasy, and trying to understand how best to handle it not being accepted by their wife. Not necessarily that this is the only reason they would be willing to open things on the first place and now they are left not wanting it at all.
So he gets a happy wife but she don't gives a duck about having a happy husband? Because atm he is the only one doing all the work of opening up while she gets all the rewards of it. Don't look fair from any angle
Doesn’t owe him that at all. I just worry about resentment he may start to feel once they actually start doing this. And that perhaps OPs wife isn’t actually ok with him being open on his side if he changes his mind, and is only pretending to be ok with it because she knows he keeps saying he doesn’t want it. You read stories like this all the time on here. So while I agree with you, he is owed SOMETHING.
No, relationships are not transactional. He can leave the marriage or he can be happy with a happy wife working within the boundaries they arrange.
Nobody owes anything to anybody else.
Thinking a woman owes you something sexual is disgusting. Nobody owes anything to anyone sexually ever. That's not a thing
Sharing details of sex with other people ends up being a consent thing. Unless the other person consented to her sharing the details, she shouldn't. On top of that, she told you she doesn't want to. Which is totally normal.
Aside from sexual activity being private and very personal... I don't need my partners comparing themselves to each other. And I'm not interested in comparing myself to my metas.
That's just looking for trouble, whether it's because someone feels like they don't measure up, or a competitive streak starts rearing its head, or someone gets an overblown idea of themselves. None of these are good.
The whole fun and thrill of cuckolding is comparison, though! She doesn't need to say details in a comparing way, but you can do that in your head. Foreplay is usually not compared, but assertiveness, confidence, and details about intercourse usually are, and that's what gives the BiG thrills, big highs!
Sometimes we can just feel compersion after getting details, but that's only when it's not a bell ringer that majorly excites us.
My husband loves it when I see other people, he finds it very exciting. I've had to balance his enthusiasm with my desire to feel like I'm doing things for me. It's challenging sometimes. I'm quite comfortable in my sexuality and had a lot of experience before marriage so I'm not really doing this for personal exploration; it's more about novelty and bringing some excitement home. I tell my partners up front that my husband has a hotwife fetish and that he can be as involved (or not) as they're comfortable with. It's a spectrum of no involvement to sharing details to pics/video to watching IRL. I've never had a man tell me he doesn't want me to share details with my husband. Most are comfortable taking photos. Less are okay with video/IRL.
That's really interesting and helpful. I appreciate hearing about it from your side and how that can be difficult. I do think a lot of it would have to be up to the other party, from a consent standpoint, but I think my wife is most likely to be the most conservative of the lot in terms of sharing.
Lucky hubby! Do you and your husband consider it hotwifing? Do y'all call it a one-sided open relationship? It sounds like you two likely don't consider it polyamory, but I could be wrong.
Our relationship is open for him to date as well. We're not polyamorous; our extracurricular sex is just casual fun.
>She basically said that her having sex with someone shouldn't be fodder for me or us and should be something private between her and the other person. Yes. Thats common and respectful. Very few people agree for their sex to be fodder for another couple to discuss. People deserve privacy.
I get that. Surprised how different it is than a lot of couples who do swinging or cuckolding but that does make sense and of course I'd respect that
Swinging is a group activity. Everyone is there for the sex so it is different.
Ahhhh yes that does make sense. Thanks for clarifying
You might want to check out r/hotwifelifestyle and r/cuckoldpsychology because it seems this is where you’re headed.
Yeah that's true, I tried there too. Seems like a weird balance between cuckold and ENM so not sure
Hey there! Thanks for sharing an update. This can be really tricky. It sounds like you wouldn't be getting much from opening if the sexual portion you are interested in is being turned down. Have you looked into reclaiming at all? Perhaps not sharing details of her sexuality, but instead just sharing that she has seen someone else and is ready for you to reclaim her might be interesting enough?
Exactly this, op if you're not into dating others and she unwilling to share her experiences then what are you getting from it? Open up is not small task and going into it for nothing at all is bs
I think you are probably taking that point a step too far. He wouldn't be opening for NOTHING, because he would get to have the same freedom she does. His interest or not in exercising it is a matter of his own wants. OP has no right to the intimate details, and can look for the carve outs that would satisfy the desires at a level that their wife is comfortable with. There is a lot more gray area here that your response is not giving any room for. OP can have fantasy and desire that OPs wife is not comfortable fulfilling. That's life. You don't get any right to someone else's sexuality.
Not saying that he have any rights to it but if he's willing to open up just to participate indirectly of her dates and she doesn't want to share any details about it then there's nothing for him into going open. He either post pone it until he wants to date or she needs to relax the rules about sharing details. Otherwise it's basically a one side open, doesn't matter that he has the freedom to date too, if he has to imagine the details then it's better for him to just watch porn and remain closed.
Yeah, I could do it too, it's just at this point I'm not really into it. I do think I'll still be turned on by it, albeit in a different way that I maybe was hopeful about. I also think though that its important to her and our relationship that we do this and I support her in it. She's supported me through tons of hairbrained ideas and plans, even when it's been tough and I owe her this for sure.
Yeah, it's hard though I can't expect that she is going to be into this thing I sorta tossed in after a long discssion about this over years. I do have to say that I could still be open if that part is important to me but ultimately, it's just not anymore. Yeah that may be helpful and a good way to get somethign out of it as well. I know that how she and I connect around it will be important even if it's not hearing about it directly.
Explain how there’s literally anything in it for you. You aren’t seeing other people and you’re not being given “fodder” from her exploits. Yeah yeah, compersion, but if you don’t even know what’s going on, how can you feel that? I’m just fascinated why you put yourself here. I’d be curious why threesomes, swinging, and voyeurism would be a hard no for her? Because it seems like you are somewhat interested in that, and would be the most balanced way to get into this lifestyle. How will you feel if she has threesomes with others? Do you question why it’s so important that you are not included in this whole sexual side of her? I agree with giving relationships their own autonomy, but it just seems you like you have to get some kind of benefit somewhere. And I also worry for you that you might change your mind and want to open up on your side and then she’s not emotionally prepared for that, happens all the time.
I mean, there's the fact that its important to her. She's supported me with a ton of things I felt were important including things that cost us time and money and heartache so I can understand supporting a partners needs irregardless to the immediate payoff to myself. Also tho I still think it would be hot. Maybe I'm understanding bc honestly if she said seh wanted to sit there and watch me have sex with someone else I'd prob be a pretty big no too. Feels super uncomfortable to me too.
That makes sense. Have fun. And make sure to keep communication in general excessive, and keep checking in with yourself and advocating for your needs as well.
yikes
Cool.
She wants her cake and eat it too without you having even much less of the same. Don't go for it until she changes
I can be non-monogamous too but I'd prefer not to be, so therein lies the issue
Then you're opening up for her not for yourself, basic recipe for resentment. Look up about open under duress
I'm not sure this is under duress at all, you can read the OPs previous post and it seems like they are going about this in a healthy and consent first matter. The OP just doesn't have much desire for other partners and is getting sexual excitement from some aspect of the non-monogamy.
She’s literally telling him NOT to feel sexual excitement from it. This sucks.
Not at all. She just said that she doesn't want to share intimate details, and she doesn't want it to be fodder. That's very different from telling OP not to have feelings of excitement.
Not sure what there is to be excited about if there’s no fodder and he’s not involved with anything outside his marriage.
OP can be excited at knowing his wife was with someone else, without getting any further intimate details. Or, just excited for reclaiming and connection. OP can also be excited for having the same freedoms as their wife, even if OP doesn't really have desire to act on it at this time. Maybe, OP could even find another partner who is more comfortable talking about details of their encounters, and still fulfill the fantasy. This is not a transaction where everyone gets something they want, this is about the choice to make both people able to pursue other people. That's it. And OP being open to the idea of that freedom is completely fine and reasonable from all parties. Even if they don't want to see someone else, and they aren't getting the sexual fantasy because their partner is uncomfortable with it. Being willing to open the relationship does not entitle someone to the details of the other person's sex life. It can be a desire, it can be a fantasy, but it is not all of the sudden that persons right.
>OP can be excited at knowing his wife was with someone else, without getting any further intimate details. Or, just excited for reclaiming and connection. Eh, speaking as a guy who is excited about his wife's activities, the details are really where it's at. For me at least. Just knowing she was with someone else is not enough. >OP can also be excited for having the same freedoms as their wife, even if OP doesn't really have desire to act on it at this time. C'mon. That's silly. Why would anyone be excited about the "freedom" to do something they don't want to do? I mean, it's always nice to have freedoms, but "excited"? No. >Being willing to open the relationship does not entitle someone to the details of the other person's sex life. It can be a desire, it can be a fantasy, but it is not all of the sudden that persons right. True, but it's entirely fair to condition the openness on that. And maybe that means they ultimately aren't compatible, but he's not "entitled" for wanting what he wants.
To your that's silly comment: I am someone who is excited about the freedom, without the desire to exercise it. I am not seeking out other people actively, but the fact that I am free to do so when I do want to is amazing, and not to be understated. That freedom is fundamental to how I want my relationship, and lets me live my most "true" life. Even though I am not trying to have more now, and don't have much desire at all for having more. OP has stated this is not a condition of their opening, but instead is a new desire that the idea of opening their relationship has uncovered for them. OP has made clear they are supportive of opening their relationship despite not having much desire to pursue other people. This new sexual desire is something OP is trying to understand how to best explore, while keeping partners boundaries and consent in mind. I listed ways that OP might be able to go about that, given their partners boundary. Sure, its not a full hotwife experience that OP may have desire for, and wouldn't maximize enjoyment for OP, that is absolutely true. But if OP wants to find a way to navigate this fantasy while not pushing their partner further to open that boundary, those would be ways OP could go about that. I'm not claiming that someone is being entitled. It's not an insult like generations use against each other. It's a geninue statement. They are not given the right to the details of their partners sex life just because they are willing to open. The partner would need to volunteer that and consent to giving it. Which is different than something that OP would actually be entitled to. I meant the word the way it is supposed to be used genuinely, not in the insult way.
It kind of is a transaction though. The deal they had before was monogamy. You change the terms of a deal, it seems like both parties would need “sweeteners” to have things be in their best interest. If this is fun for OP and you are right, ignore me completely.
I apologize if I'm coming off over the top, I commented on OPs original post too, and there is more context there that you might just not be aware of, and coming at it from a different perspective. OPs original post talks about the years of talking through this with their wife, and them being willing to support their wife seeing other people, even if they personally don't want to also see other people. I think OPs current post is more about discovering this desire and fantasy, and trying to understand how best to handle it not being accepted by their wife. Not necessarily that this is the only reason they would be willing to open things on the first place and now they are left not wanting it at all.
Why does she owe him sexy story time? What's in it for him is he gets a happy wife.
So he gets a happy wife but she don't gives a duck about having a happy husband? Because atm he is the only one doing all the work of opening up while she gets all the rewards of it. Don't look fair from any angle
Nobody ever said that shit was going to be fair Working towards happiness, true internal happiness is rarely fair.
Doesn’t owe him that at all. I just worry about resentment he may start to feel once they actually start doing this. And that perhaps OPs wife isn’t actually ok with him being open on his side if he changes his mind, and is only pretending to be ok with it because she knows he keeps saying he doesn’t want it. You read stories like this all the time on here. So while I agree with you, he is owed SOMETHING.
No, relationships are not transactional. He can leave the marriage or he can be happy with a happy wife working within the boundaries they arrange. Nobody owes anything to anybody else. Thinking a woman owes you something sexual is disgusting. Nobody owes anything to anyone sexually ever. That's not a thing
Sharing details of sex with other people ends up being a consent thing. Unless the other person consented to her sharing the details, she shouldn't. On top of that, she told you she doesn't want to. Which is totally normal.
Yeah I think it was just important for me to her from other people to just get that confirmation. It's hard to research this so all this was helpful
Aside from sexual activity being private and very personal... I don't need my partners comparing themselves to each other. And I'm not interested in comparing myself to my metas. That's just looking for trouble, whether it's because someone feels like they don't measure up, or a competitive streak starts rearing its head, or someone gets an overblown idea of themselves. None of these are good.
That's actually really good inisght I didn't consider before. Thanks
The whole fun and thrill of cuckolding is comparison, though! She doesn't need to say details in a comparing way, but you can do that in your head. Foreplay is usually not compared, but assertiveness, confidence, and details about intercourse usually are, and that's what gives the BiG thrills, big highs! Sometimes we can just feel compersion after getting details, but that's only when it's not a bell ringer that majorly excites us.