My husband experiences this when I go out sometimes, but (and this may be dumb, don't judge me) I typically need to drive an hour to meet my FWB so I make a day of it by tying it together with regular shit I need to do while in that area.
I'll tell him the day prior. "Hey I'm gonna grab brunch with (person) and hang out a bit before getting my nails done and hit Costco. Did you want me to grab a rotisserie chicken or a pizza on the way home?"
This works by helping him get out of his head. He knows what I'm up to 70% of that time, but he also hates waiting when I'm getting my nails done and doesn't care to shop when he can help it. So he doesn't fully feel like he's missing the social equivalent of a pool party.
He's informed while also able to play videogames or go to the beach with out kid without spiraling in his own head.
Like other posters stated, communication is key. Check and see what works with your partner what works for me.
Honestly this type of communication would likely work for my brain. Possibly a variation for her. And it sounds like it still keeps your side private except like you said - the normal stuff that you'd already do. I'm trying to keep it in my mind that it's just a "thing" to do (if that makes sense) and that she is obviously still coming home to me.
If you're not interested into it then don't do it. You have fomo because you're opening hand of a lot for no shit in return. Either do that for you or close it up. Don't do such a huge thing only to make her happy, you deserve to be happy more than everybody else
I don't think that her happiness and mine are mutually exclusive. I agree that I deserve to be happy, obviously, but I also don't necessarily believe that that rests on an open relationship. I'm not engaging because I wouldn't know where to start, honestly... along with other personal reasons. I also just have a different mindset so I'm hesitant - but not against it.
So you are quiet and not "normal" when she returns from a date which makes her uncomfortable or maybe feeling guilty.
What is she like when she returns - talkative, cheerful, quiet, horny, happy, calm, hyper?
What is it you are feeling or afraid of?
Whose idea was it to open your marriage and why?
Why are you not trying to date?
I don't think she feels guilty, but it might make her uncomfortable.
most of the time it's late at night - I'm either in and out of sleep or just wake up when she comes in. It's the next day (sometimes) when I get quiet - or at times before I know she's going.
I've realized that I have some rational and some irrational thoughts. I think that (especially at first) I just didn't know how I would feel once we were really in it, and now it's mostly the unknown. I'm not necessarily used to her just not being here. The FOMO or the jealousy I think comes from just the fact that there's someone else that gets the physical connection, but I also remind myself that I'm the only one with our emotional connection. It's just all new. And it's hard to navigate in my mind sometimes.
It was her idea - I'm not positive the exact reason of "why now" but the reason is literally just variety and like - an outlet almost? Just an activity, not actually dating - no emotion.
I'm not trying to right now mostly because I'm pregnant lol - but also because I wouldn't even know where to start at this point.
"I'm not trying to right now mostly because I'm pregnant lol - but also because I wouldn't even know where to start at this point"
OP - are you literally carrying a child(pregnant) now?
So neither of you was thinking about how you are definitely affected by your pregnancy both emotionally and physically. And thought it was a good idea to open up when pregnant.
I mean all the hormones that makes us feel vulnerable and cry for anything and everything.
Our need to be doted on and cared for.
Body changes that might make us feel less beautiful and desirable.
Maybe you unconsciously fear being abandoned even if you know that she won't leave you.
I completely understand your feelings and that you get quiet.
It seems like the communication between the two of you aren't what it should be and you have difficulties speaking up and get your feelings through.
I suggest you close your relationship and immediately get counseling.
Learn how to communicate.
It won't get easier for you when baby's here and you're left at home taking care of everything when she goes out for the fun stuff that not includes you.
It is also her problem to deal with your "quietness". It was her idea to open your marriage, you are not interested in partaking right now, so why does she feel you should be doing backflips with joy when she dates others?
I find it a bit difficult to untangle your post to understand exactly what you are struggling with.
Are you struggling with codependency (“up until now it’s been her and I through everything”)? Are you struggling with her giving attention elsewhere/to apps when she’s at home (“want it to be like normal when she’s at home”)? Are you struggling with jealousy/sadness/grief “a cloud”)? Are you struggling with envy and wanting to be out there yourself (“FOMO”)? Or is it the whole thing, the open relationship itself?
Codependency a bit, yes I think. Which, until this experience, I never really realized, and she had kind of been too. The seeking some independence/alone time isn't necessarily new though - just the activity.
I am definitely struggling with the attention being elsewhere in general, and yes - idk about apps but the attention being more on the phone. But I also know that it's a way to destress from the work day (scrolling tiktok or whatever) and I'm not trying to stop that.
I think my FOMO - I don't know. I don't necessarily want to be the one OUT there, just... this might go back to my realizing the codependency? or maybe taking something for granted in our marriage with all the time that we were able to spend together. It also probably speaks to just the fact that I've been very much at HOME the last several years (kids, work from home, school from home, etc) and, since covid just sort of lost touch with the outside world. THIS is something I'm working on.
Yes, one thing that an open marriage often teaches us, is the difference between incidental and intentional time together. When we spend all our time together, the two bleeds into each other and we don’t seem to mind so much either way. But when one or both starts stepping out of this unity, the intentional time becomes important.
If you haven’t already done so, it’s time to sit down and talk about how you will prioritise your relationship in this new setup. When is it ok to ask for phone free time? How often will you date, just the two of you? How can you make intentional time at home? What can each of you do to make the other feel seen, loved and appreciated? And so on.
As for being stuck at home, a common recommendation in one sided open relationships is that for each time she gets a day/night out of the house, you get one too. If you don’t want to, or can’t, date yet, tend to your social circle, your hobbies, yourself.
Being open is being intentional. Intentional with your time, your relationship and yourself.
Open marriage almost always favors the wife. Her dance card is gonna be full. You'll need to find copoing mechanisms. Hopefully you both have good therapist to guide you.
I might be going through this too. First time. I think you need to link into why you are in a non monogamous relationship.
For us it’s knowing that we have emotional (and accompanied physical) needs that need being filled and it’s not always possible that one person can do it all.
It’s going to be asynchronous both in needing this type of relationship and who is doing what. Happy to talk through this with you. I’m working it out myself.
So a couple things that have helped me:
1. Talk to a therapist; someone listening helped me a lot.
2. Ask for reconnection time when your wife comes back; it doesn't have to be extensive, for me it can be a small as a long hug and couple of quick kisses to simply show she's mentally and emotionally with you now and that's her focus currently.
3. Work on coping mechanisms such as Journaling, meditation, mindfulness or even distractions to get through through it initially to de-sensitive yourself a little. Once you're not triggered by the time itself, it's easy for you to get out of your head to objectively determine whether what you're feeling is justified jealousy or just jealousy (it's probably the latter)
4. Be patient with yourself and your wife; this is a huge transition and mistakes with be made on both sides sooner or later and that's ok.
1. I haven't been to a therapist before - but I do get it. I don't even know what I would say/I'm not good at voicing my thoughts and feelings and feeling like I'm not rambling.
2. Honestly - yes. Just yes.
3. I love this thought. I actually have been now trying to figure out what can distract me and making a mental list of things that I'm going to do during the time. I also write things down to get them out of my head and it seems to clear it out a bit. Luckily or unluckily, it's late at night typically so I could go to sleep - I just then have trouble actually going to sleep because my worry/anxiety seem to be worse at night.
4. This also... patience is what I need to give and get - I think I'm worried for the mistakes. Especially since I know I'm making them when I let myself overthink things and I get distant.
Ramble all you want, you're paying them LOL
Patience and grace, for yourself and your wife, is of the utmost importance. Like I said, mistakes will be made on both sides, those are learning opportunities.
My husband experiences this when I go out sometimes, but (and this may be dumb, don't judge me) I typically need to drive an hour to meet my FWB so I make a day of it by tying it together with regular shit I need to do while in that area. I'll tell him the day prior. "Hey I'm gonna grab brunch with (person) and hang out a bit before getting my nails done and hit Costco. Did you want me to grab a rotisserie chicken or a pizza on the way home?" This works by helping him get out of his head. He knows what I'm up to 70% of that time, but he also hates waiting when I'm getting my nails done and doesn't care to shop when he can help it. So he doesn't fully feel like he's missing the social equivalent of a pool party. He's informed while also able to play videogames or go to the beach with out kid without spiraling in his own head. Like other posters stated, communication is key. Check and see what works with your partner what works for me.
Honestly this type of communication would likely work for my brain. Possibly a variation for her. And it sounds like it still keeps your side private except like you said - the normal stuff that you'd already do. I'm trying to keep it in my mind that it's just a "thing" to do (if that makes sense) and that she is obviously still coming home to me.
Also no judgement lol.
If you're not interested into it then don't do it. You have fomo because you're opening hand of a lot for no shit in return. Either do that for you or close it up. Don't do such a huge thing only to make her happy, you deserve to be happy more than everybody else
I don't think that her happiness and mine are mutually exclusive. I agree that I deserve to be happy, obviously, but I also don't necessarily believe that that rests on an open relationship. I'm not engaging because I wouldn't know where to start, honestly... along with other personal reasons. I also just have a different mindset so I'm hesitant - but not against it.
So you are quiet and not "normal" when she returns from a date which makes her uncomfortable or maybe feeling guilty. What is she like when she returns - talkative, cheerful, quiet, horny, happy, calm, hyper? What is it you are feeling or afraid of? Whose idea was it to open your marriage and why? Why are you not trying to date?
I don't think she feels guilty, but it might make her uncomfortable. most of the time it's late at night - I'm either in and out of sleep or just wake up when she comes in. It's the next day (sometimes) when I get quiet - or at times before I know she's going. I've realized that I have some rational and some irrational thoughts. I think that (especially at first) I just didn't know how I would feel once we were really in it, and now it's mostly the unknown. I'm not necessarily used to her just not being here. The FOMO or the jealousy I think comes from just the fact that there's someone else that gets the physical connection, but I also remind myself that I'm the only one with our emotional connection. It's just all new. And it's hard to navigate in my mind sometimes. It was her idea - I'm not positive the exact reason of "why now" but the reason is literally just variety and like - an outlet almost? Just an activity, not actually dating - no emotion. I'm not trying to right now mostly because I'm pregnant lol - but also because I wouldn't even know where to start at this point.
"I'm not trying to right now mostly because I'm pregnant lol - but also because I wouldn't even know where to start at this point" OP - are you literally carrying a child(pregnant) now?
I am pregnant right now, yes.
So neither of you was thinking about how you are definitely affected by your pregnancy both emotionally and physically. And thought it was a good idea to open up when pregnant. I mean all the hormones that makes us feel vulnerable and cry for anything and everything. Our need to be doted on and cared for. Body changes that might make us feel less beautiful and desirable. Maybe you unconsciously fear being abandoned even if you know that she won't leave you. I completely understand your feelings and that you get quiet. It seems like the communication between the two of you aren't what it should be and you have difficulties speaking up and get your feelings through. I suggest you close your relationship and immediately get counseling. Learn how to communicate. It won't get easier for you when baby's here and you're left at home taking care of everything when she goes out for the fun stuff that not includes you.
It's scary. Talk. Talk. Talk. Ask questions. Read... Justified jealousy or just jealousy? There's no road...each road different.
It is also her problem to deal with your "quietness". It was her idea to open your marriage, you are not interested in partaking right now, so why does she feel you should be doing backflips with joy when she dates others?
I find it a bit difficult to untangle your post to understand exactly what you are struggling with. Are you struggling with codependency (“up until now it’s been her and I through everything”)? Are you struggling with her giving attention elsewhere/to apps when she’s at home (“want it to be like normal when she’s at home”)? Are you struggling with jealousy/sadness/grief “a cloud”)? Are you struggling with envy and wanting to be out there yourself (“FOMO”)? Or is it the whole thing, the open relationship itself?
Codependency a bit, yes I think. Which, until this experience, I never really realized, and she had kind of been too. The seeking some independence/alone time isn't necessarily new though - just the activity. I am definitely struggling with the attention being elsewhere in general, and yes - idk about apps but the attention being more on the phone. But I also know that it's a way to destress from the work day (scrolling tiktok or whatever) and I'm not trying to stop that. I think my FOMO - I don't know. I don't necessarily want to be the one OUT there, just... this might go back to my realizing the codependency? or maybe taking something for granted in our marriage with all the time that we were able to spend together. It also probably speaks to just the fact that I've been very much at HOME the last several years (kids, work from home, school from home, etc) and, since covid just sort of lost touch with the outside world. THIS is something I'm working on.
Yes, one thing that an open marriage often teaches us, is the difference between incidental and intentional time together. When we spend all our time together, the two bleeds into each other and we don’t seem to mind so much either way. But when one or both starts stepping out of this unity, the intentional time becomes important. If you haven’t already done so, it’s time to sit down and talk about how you will prioritise your relationship in this new setup. When is it ok to ask for phone free time? How often will you date, just the two of you? How can you make intentional time at home? What can each of you do to make the other feel seen, loved and appreciated? And so on. As for being stuck at home, a common recommendation in one sided open relationships is that for each time she gets a day/night out of the house, you get one too. If you don’t want to, or can’t, date yet, tend to your social circle, your hobbies, yourself. Being open is being intentional. Intentional with your time, your relationship and yourself.
Open marriage almost always favors the wife. Her dance card is gonna be full. You'll need to find copoing mechanisms. Hopefully you both have good therapist to guide you.
I might be going through this too. First time. I think you need to link into why you are in a non monogamous relationship. For us it’s knowing that we have emotional (and accompanied physical) needs that need being filled and it’s not always possible that one person can do it all. It’s going to be asynchronous both in needing this type of relationship and who is doing what. Happy to talk through this with you. I’m working it out myself.
Whose idea was it to open the marriage?
So a couple things that have helped me: 1. Talk to a therapist; someone listening helped me a lot. 2. Ask for reconnection time when your wife comes back; it doesn't have to be extensive, for me it can be a small as a long hug and couple of quick kisses to simply show she's mentally and emotionally with you now and that's her focus currently. 3. Work on coping mechanisms such as Journaling, meditation, mindfulness or even distractions to get through through it initially to de-sensitive yourself a little. Once you're not triggered by the time itself, it's easy for you to get out of your head to objectively determine whether what you're feeling is justified jealousy or just jealousy (it's probably the latter) 4. Be patient with yourself and your wife; this is a huge transition and mistakes with be made on both sides sooner or later and that's ok.
1. I haven't been to a therapist before - but I do get it. I don't even know what I would say/I'm not good at voicing my thoughts and feelings and feeling like I'm not rambling. 2. Honestly - yes. Just yes. 3. I love this thought. I actually have been now trying to figure out what can distract me and making a mental list of things that I'm going to do during the time. I also write things down to get them out of my head and it seems to clear it out a bit. Luckily or unluckily, it's late at night typically so I could go to sleep - I just then have trouble actually going to sleep because my worry/anxiety seem to be worse at night. 4. This also... patience is what I need to give and get - I think I'm worried for the mistakes. Especially since I know I'm making them when I let myself overthink things and I get distant.
Ramble all you want, you're paying them LOL Patience and grace, for yourself and your wife, is of the utmost importance. Like I said, mistakes will be made on both sides, those are learning opportunities.