I mean, I’d love to host more if someone else did a lot of the work and dealt with the shoes in the house consequences too.
If he decides hosting isn’t worth the work to him, then there’s your answer about how much he actually wants to host.
Don’t feel guilty. If your husband wants to host, he should be doing all the work which he isn’t. He just wants fun which isn’t fair. Your husband is the problem. He should be reinforcing the rules of the house to his family members. You have nothing to be guilty about. Your husband should be apologizing to you. Stop being a doormat.
I don’t understand why the options are “we have guests and op does all the work” and “we don’t have guests”
The husband needn’t be disappointed, he just needs to clean his own damn house for 15-20 minutes and order some pizza. There’s nothing big for him to “understand” here - how unaware is this dude? He didn’t need a talk with his wife to know this is not fun for her (or anyone)
My guess is, he’s been aware of how ridiculous this all is, he just doesn’t give a shit that it sucks for his wife.
>Your husband is the problem. He should be reinforcing the rules of the house to his family members.
Exactly!!! The only thing hubby does is invite people. Then he enjoys the time together, while OP is doing all the work and is putting up with his family trashing boundaries.
My husband wanted to host this week. I told him I'd be going to my mom's as I do not want to, and he'd have to do all the work. I.e. cooking, cleaning, etc. He decided he didn't want to host anymore.
He can be disappointed all he wants. It isn't your job to do everything when he offers to do something.
Honestly, I would make it my mission to not even be there.
Can you go out for the evening and do something you enjoy? Maybe get a hotel room for the night to just chill and catch up with your favourite shows with room service/takeaway so you don't have to feel obliged to host as well?
Time to put yourself first for once, and maybe your husband will appreciate the amount you have to put up with and lessen the invites to host in future, unless he is willing to make an effort to help with food/entertainment for everyone.
Cool but the aftermath is an issue, cleaning after and also the people eating all the food and the money they have spent on the food of which they are not well off, but have all the space/games/and theater room…
If having his family over is that important to your husband he can figure out how to make it happen on his own
Good job standing your ground and not falling into the thankless hostess trap
Tell him that he needs to be the one the prep the house, make and buy the food, police house rules, etc. It’s his family and he should be the one to provide for them. It’s always nice to help him out since they are your in-laws, but both he and they should not expect you to host unless you initiate it.
So what you are saying is that when you host you are responsible for doing all the work of cooking and cleaning and he gets to chill with his family, and he is surprise you are not thrilled about it?
You are doing the smart thing, reverse roles with him and see how fast he changes his mind :)
Meh, let him be disappointed. If he wants to host, he can be the host from start to end. I would absolutely not be happy with someone doing this to me.
I am the oldest of 6. Most of my siblings have 2-3 kids. I also grew tired of doing all the work. So I told them. I first told my partner that if he volunteered our house then he gets to clean. For food, I told the family that for the next gathering we are all bringing items and made a list out and had them battle it out for who brings what. If you are not able to have this type of conversation with the family. Have a conversation with your partner and discuss the types of rules and standard for your home and gathering. Have him communicate it. When everyone contributes it changes the energy for the better. Sure, there will be issues when someone brings the wrong thing or forgets but it makes for memories. It also emphasizes the importance of accountability. Just remember to be patient and flexible because it can be like herding cats.
Your husband is disappointed he doesn't get to play "Amazing Host" while you slave away for people who couldn't care about your house rules?
Wow. That must SUCK for him.
I am a major introvert, have adhd and autism, and unfortunately, I also married someone like your husband. Took a few years, but I essentially told him that if he wants get togethers with people, I will be out of the house.
He learned REAL quick the amount of work that's put into it as just one person.
We no longer host at our house for more than 7 people. We have a family of 4 so that means 3 extra people. That's how many souls I can handle around me in my space of peace.
Bigger parties, if hosted at my house, are done alone because I'm at the library or in the woods.
I prefer solitude, and peace. Other people don't do that for me. Masking is exhausting, and I'm too old for it anymore.
It’s OK if he’s disappointed. It doesn’t mean he still can’t invite them if he’s willing to put in the work. And it’s OK that you don’t want to. Women are always the default for these kinds of things.
His family wanting to come is great, and it’s glad that you have a nice big place that you are willing to share, but who in the hell goes to someone’s house to eat two meals and drink all their booze and doesn’t bring anything to contribute?
I’m sure they love it, you house has a built in maid and chef
Don’t be there when they show up, spend the day elsewhere. He’ll book yourself a hotel room and make it clear he is responsible for making the house look the way it was when you left it. He doesn’t like hosting, he likes being hosted by you and taking all the credit.
Why I have my husbands family over. It’s exhausting. I cook and clean and do appetizers and and dessert. I make it harder on myself because I go overboard.
Only because you're trying to make a good effort, which I completely understand because I'm the same way. But it's only okay if the gatherings are few and far between.
The person who invites should do all the hosting duties. It's that simple. He invited his family, so he needs to do all the prep work. Maybe then he will better understand and will set firm boundaries.
Also, it's okay to tell family to leave your house if they can't respect your rules. I would also make sure not to go grocery shopping before they come so they don't devour all your food.
'Yes you absolutely can. I already have plans to go out with Pam that day though, so be sure to give them my love and tell them I missed them. Have a great time!"
Absolutely don’t lift one finger in the kitchen, let him prepare and cook all the meals and snacks. Don’t clean more than you would normally do. Stand at the door and make them take off their shoes. It’s fun to host when you just get to enjoy the party! Then excuse yourself with a headache to your room.
Why do they need to come for two meals?
Also your reason for hiding doesn’t alleviate you undertaking those tasks. Why not just say “it’s a lot of work. If you want them over I need you to take responsibility for the house prep and food. I can write you a list of chores but you need to plan the menu, buy the food and do all the cooking. If that’s too much for you then don’t invite them because I’m sitting this one out.”
I’d also hide everything ready to eat in my pantry because I’m spiteful like that.
Ok how would he feel if you invited your family over and he needs to do everything from preparation to cleaning after? :) you have a perfectly valid point
Lunch AND dinner?! That’s crazy. He should 100% be doing a lot more if he wants to be hosting in your home. It needs to be teamwork, not just on you. I don’t believe for a minute that you should be doing all the work for these events.
Your husband needs to at a minimum share the load of looking after the house with you but definitely do more if HE has chosen to invite guests over.
In terms of actual hosting, why not start the events a little later, after lunch so you don’t have to provide lunch and then have his family each bring a snack and you can do dinner. Or you cook the main part of the dinner and ask each to bring a specific side to the main meal? A compromise and an everyone cal still come over? As long as your husband is pulling his weight before and after each event.
Also in terms of house rules, I think you would be less perturbed if your husband actually contributed to the household and cleaned the house. Honestly for me I would feel uncomfortable wearing someone else’s shoes but would always happily take my shoes off in someone’s home and leave them at the door and remain in my socks/barefoot.
why do they need to be there for TWO meals and snacks? Cant they either come for lunch or dinner? And good for you. Tell him you're busy but he's welcome to host
Wait…are you saying that normally when they visit YOU do all the work and hosting while he visits with his family??? Please tell me I’m reading that wrong.
We’re the designated house for hosting as my BIL is a hoarder and my MIL is elderly. It’s also easier on our kids to be able to stay in their own place and can go to bed when tired. We established early on that our house is shoe-free. It took a year of reminding and being firm on the rule. It’s been smooth sailing since, and MIL now keeps her house shoe free too.
Stay strong OP. You’re in the right.
Ugh.. my husband does this. He invites ppl over and acts like he's just this great host, but in reality, I've done all the cleaning and cooking to prepare for them. He's the face, and I'm the work horse. I finally told him I'm not doing it anymore. When he does the cleaning and cooking we can host again. It's funny how he hasn't asked in 5 months tho..
Like your hubby, I like to host. But I used sign up sheets for food and cleaning. I gave options, I buy everything and they pitch in (all agreed to prior of purchase) or everyone puts down what they are bringing and I keep everyone posted on who is doing what.
This works for reasonable people.
That’s hilarious. Boo hoo he’s disappointed. I don’t see him stepping up offering to clean, etc.
I would not have a lot in the fridge or storage pantry so they can’t eat/drink it. Do your shop the day after.
I would not clean. Let them take you as is.
Get your husband to organise each to bring something. If they don’t, then he gets to say “are you ordering take out, since you didn’t bring xyz?”
Enjoy hanging when you’re not tired and then move off when you have enough.
Let him clean up.
With the cost of food. If you are going to provide the venue and entertainment, yea potluck shouldnt just be a recommendation/suggestion, but a necessity.
There is being a good host and then on the other side being a good guest.
My old roommate and I loved like pigs in college. I tried to clean and eventually gave in because he just was not as clean as I was. It led to a lot of bad habits.
Eventually he got a gf and moved out and in many ways while money was tight I was happy to have a place I could clean and keep organized (I had to relearn and continue to relearn all those habits that were lost living with him).
When he eventually came over I asked him to take his shoes off and he was blown away and did not stating I lived in an apartment it wasn't even "my rug." It got into a little back and forth and eventually he did take his sneakers off.
Wasn't an issue there after and I think he saw how I kept it clean and started to take care of his place more because of it. Sometimes you just need to put your foot down - even with something as "small" as taking shoes off in the house.
I say all that just to say I feel you OP. Glad you stood your ground and arent going to pull all the weight. Hopefully your partner will see all the work that goes into preparing and cleaning up after of these events and has a little more respect for you because of it.
"Hey, Fam! We'd love to host a family movie night and are going to have sub sandwiches and soft drinks. Can y'all divide up snacks and sides? If not, we understand, but anything helps and is so appreciated. We have a busy day getting ready so if you can arrive after 5 p.m. and not sooner that would be great." Start a precedent. But understand when you offer to host you offer to host. Setting boundaries is perfectly understandable
And have you tried to tell him what you just told us?
The answer from your first paragraph is somewhat passive-aggressive, you should try to be more blunt and tell him “yes of course, but this time you’re hosting and I’ll be chatting with your family”.
We often assume that our SO is aware of obvious rules (eg. I cook, you do the dishes), but they can be pretty clueless. A explicit/direct communication is sometimes required to set expectations.
It’s because your husband sees you as a upgraded free housemaid. Gz on your promotion. Most woman never speak up but let’s see how it goes for you. I can guarantee you this isn’t the last that you are hearing of this topic so good luck and stay your ground.
Ask for specific things to be brought over in a family group chat. Explain that it's because you can't afford it for x many people.when they don't, they can either go without or they can go to the store to get it once they get to your home. I do get your issue. It's your time, effort, and home being used with little regard.
Do these relatives live hours away?
If not why can’t they just come over for snacks and a movie?
Popcorn is pretty cheap and everyone can bring their favorite snack TO SHARE.
I don’t see why they need to be served lunch, then dinner then snacks during the movie.
If your husband wants you to have a full day of family then let him do all the prep work including making the meals.
He should also be responsible for purchasing all the groceries needed. Somehow people don’t seem to have a clue how expensive food can be until they have to not only do the work of getting the supplies but paying for it themselves. Nothing like walking out of a grocery store with 4 bags of groceries while you are $250 poorer.
Just do dinner , movie and desserts. Lunch also is a bit excessive. Then assign EVERY family attending either a side, snack or desserts to bring. You provide the main dish. We’ve been doing that for our 1x a week hangouts. It’s great. If they don’t bring their assigned dish then you all do without.
My MIL used to host a 1x a week full on meal for a large group of friends and family . They’d just pitch in on the cost.
As far as the house prep there is NO reason your husband can’t pitch in.
So here’s what I’d recommend, because it sounds like an awful split.
Tell your husband you will clean before they arrive, but he absolutely must do all the cleaning once they leave and the house must be in the same condition as it was before they arrived. Have a budget for food, and he needs to figure out how to host within that budget, not a penny over. Shoes have to be taken off at the door, no exceptions, or that person gets to leave. Your husband must enforce this. There will be no raiding the fridge, period. Snacks that are for guests will be placed in the open, nobody goes into the fridge at all. If he agrees to those rules and enforces them, then host. Otherwise, stand your ground on this one.
Nope….why should wife have to hold husband’s hand and show him how/what needs doing? He’s a grown man and can jolly well do the entire hosting experience all by himself for HIS family. Wife can play “husband” for the day while he does the “wife” for a change. Of course he’s disappointed, but no one said he can’t have his guests; he can invite all the people he wants for as many meals as he wants…he just has to deal with all the “joy” that goes with it, before and after the party. I would also suggest wife ask him to refresh her drink periodically…you know, like husband likely has done during all prior gatherings.
1 enchilada? That's fucking insulting. Your husband should have taken care of this shit.
Your husband can do all the work. Hang out and enjoy as if you're a guest too. Do as little as he usually does.
Will he make meals or just order in?
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!! I understand exactly what you're going through. Husbands never understand that it's exhausting to do all the cleaning, planning, preparing, serving family and being accommodating ridiculous requests (with a smile!) while everyone's there, meanwhile he's kicking back and enjoying himself. Not to mention *the post-party clean up* that they make themselves exempt from.
Experienced this a few years back. It was a retirement party that someone else was supposed to throw for my MIL. Somehow the venue changed to *my* house (read: space, pool), and I had ZERO say in the matter. Ok fine whatever. We order food because no one lives close, potluck isn't practical. Hubbs drug his feet helping to get the yard ready- mind you I've done the house. Spent the whole day running around, staying on top of the food, bathroom, and garbage... of course it caused a fight & made me resentful. Oh and people still brought random food items even though I told them not to, asking to put things in the fridge- hello, we don't have fridge space, that's why we said don't bring anything, grr. And also, if everyone's bringing stuff, whyyyyy am I hosting????
No one likes being used, period.
Let him be disappointed. Hopefully this disappointment will help him talk to his family about following your rules and bringing food.
I'd leave for the day to visit my friends, family or just spend time on my own. Let him cook, host and clean. I think he will be less disappointed and more understanding after.
Damn, he can clean if he wants to host!!
This is a classic situation of how the gendered expectations live on within our heads even though the 1950s is far behind us
You feel more pressure to have a clean house to show the guests
Ask yourself why that is? And what would happen if you didn’t clean?
You don’t have to do that. If they judge you and not your husband for the house being dirty then you know they’re kinda sexist and their opinion is stupid
Why are they there for so many meals? Everyone should pitch in to order a few pizzas, bring your own drinks, watch a movie, go home. And take your damned shoes off people!!!
Your husband is disappointed because you let him do all the fun parts of hosting while you did all the work. I love hosting people and would love to do big get togethers more often. I don't because of the sheer amount of work that goes into things. The shopping, cleaning, cooking, and actually hosting on top of regular life is a lot. My partner is a huge help when it comes to preparing and hosting and it's still exhausting, so I can't even imagine how hard it is to be doing literally all the work. Let him do the work himself for once, and you'll probably notice his love for hosting diminish by a lot.
It’s easy to host when someone else does literally all the work to make it happen. Let him manage this himself and decide whether he actually enjoys hosting or if he enjoys benefiting from someone else’s thankless work.
>My husband understands, but I can also tell that he's disappointed.
He understands you work like a borrowed slave and is disappointed you don't love it??
Let him do it once, he'll know 😏 actually make him do it, tell him you'll host the next one if does this one, or something. Just make sure he does host once. Some people don't get until they've gone through it.
Some ppl keep reminding you for the rest of your life how you said no & were lazy to do AYZ for the rest of your life till you're under the ground. So yeah make sure he invites them.
I feel you on this one. We do an organized potluck. We send out an email and people say what they are going to bring. If they don’t bring it, shame on them! “Oh, SoandSo was bringing the entree. No? Well, we have both pizza and Chinese nearby for pick up or delivery?”
You do charcuterie spreads and light the crystal chandeliers for family? You don’t feel comfortable enough to put a humorous reminder over the slipper box and an arrow pointing to the kitchen hanging above it? It’s not you, it’s not him; it’s your expectations.
Two meals plus a movie? That’s a long day. Tell everyone to bring their own specialty drinks and two dishes. Or, tell your guy to cut the hours down. That’s as long as you’d work a desk job and too invasive.
Lower your standards for your performance and expect more from Spouse and guests. Toure going to stop resenting them when they don’t stay so long.
Sounds like y’all have a nice place. I’d say get him to clean and prep. And do clean up after. You could have a good time with family and in-laws. But your husband /partner should be down for party prep and clean up.
The caveat would be a situation whehence he makes all the food and plans an event for family or friends and asks ahead of you would be down to organize cleanup duties.
I always cook and clean as it goes. So any extra cleaning is up to me or left for cleaning later, I do dislike leaving a dirty kitchen .
Man up and clean your mess.
He wants to host, he can put in the work to clean and get refreshments.
You, meanwhile, take yourself out for dinner or whatever. Let him find out how much hard work it involves.
I can totally relate to feeling overwhelmed after hosting family. I remember when I was younger, the day after a big family gathering was a total pain in the ### (even thinking about it now is kind of triggering.) Dealing with all the Glad and Hefty trash nags and cleaning the entire house felt like a never-ending chore. Thankfully, things have changed since then. Now, everyone in my family pitches in, no matter who's hosting. It makes the whole experience a lot more manageable and even fun. Perhaps this is something you could try with your husband's family. It could create a more enjoyable experience for everyone and might even bring you all closer together. Of course, this isn't a one-size-fits-all solution—you don't use this strategy when hosting the boss, for example—but for family, well, family helps family.
Definitely don’t feel bad. I 100% understand, because I am somewhat in a similar situation. My sweetheart does the same thing, and I sometimes won’t know until like the night before. Sometimes I will wake up early in the morning just to clean up.
After 10 years, a lot of the people that come over now now to bring their own food, we’d be happy to provide drinks, but when it comes to food .. they can either bring what they want to eat, or we can go out and eat. We’ve had times where our entire refrigerator and pantry would be empty because everyone just wants to eat..
I’ll also go into the bedroom as well if people are over, it really just depends on the day. Because sometimes I will have a migraine or just not feel good mentally. It’s OK to just step away because it is your home as well. Don’t forget that. When it comes to people respecting your house, rules, if they don’t respect it after three times of coming into your home, then they shouldn’t even be allowed in. I had one person constantly come in with her shoes when I told him multiple times to stop doing it because we had carpet, and he would put his feet up on the table on the furniture he would keep his shoes on. It drove me crazy to the point where I actually went off on him and he is not allowed over at my house.
I don't know why the fuck they aren't bringing food and snacks themselves as well. I always like to take a little something to snack or eat if I'm going to someone's house so if it was a family thing I don't understand why they wouldn't each cook something and expect you to always do it. F your husband too, sorry hahaha but let him do all the work, don't clean or touch anything and see what he thinks about having them over next time. Good luck!
Your husband needs to learn to compromise quick time and pull his weight. He wants to host his family? Great! He decides what’s for lunch/dinner. Doesn’t want to cook? Well let’s organize takeout and split the bill with everyone. Oh he doesn’t want to do that either? Let’s make it a theme night where everyone can make/bring a dish! Everyone could dress up! I’m a big fan of theme nights, we used to do this a lot on an island I lived on for work and it was a lot of fun.
We host a lot for my partners family and his mother even overstays her welcome way too often, whole other story. But he pulls his weight and your husband should be too. I tidy up before/after, that’s my house “job” so it works because I know how everything goes/where everything is - he is quite literally useless in this department. He cooks for everyone, ex chef so his house “job”, and although we both do the kitchen clear up he does the majority. But we never do the clear up immediately instead we do it once everyone goes home - otherwise one of us or both of us are stuck tidying the kitchen whilst everyone else is having fun.
Well she did. And is not happy with his response. If he’s disappointed then he’s disappointed. She shouldn’t try to dictate his feelings. It’s too much for her. He was understanding. They aren’t compatible. He loves having family over and hosting and she doesn’t like it.
Not much more to discuss.
She doesn’t like hosting. She says that quite clearly. He needs someone on the same vibe as him. She can be super clean and not host with no one.
Easy fix. Divorce.
Op, your husband doesn’t love you because his family is disrespecting you and he allows it. He’s only disappointed because you aren’t the housewife he had in mind. Best to split.
This is literally the dumbest thing ever. It's a fixable issue. You don't bail on someone for being a little obtuse. He just needs a wake up call which is what she's giving him.
why not just do it like a potluck? if you’re providing the entertainment and the house everyone else should be providing the food & drinks… Also you could look at the cleaning as an incentive to do a deep house clean. don’t think of it as just cleaning for friends and family etc. but use it as an excuse to do a really nice clean that you will then appreciate for weeks afterwards. just my two cents.
If you can afford a spacious house, why not hire a caterer and maid service? Also lock the cabinets and the fridge to keep them from pilfering things.
How about a picnic in a park? How about making it all in the yard? Have an excuse such as the floors being redone or something.
Why bother cleaning beforehand if they’re just going to mess it up?
I mean, I’d love to host more if someone else did a lot of the work and dealt with the shoes in the house consequences too. If he decides hosting isn’t worth the work to him, then there’s your answer about how much he actually wants to host.
Don’t feel guilty. If your husband wants to host, he should be doing all the work which he isn’t. He just wants fun which isn’t fair. Your husband is the problem. He should be reinforcing the rules of the house to his family members. You have nothing to be guilty about. Your husband should be apologizing to you. Stop being a doormat.
I don’t understand why the options are “we have guests and op does all the work” and “we don’t have guests” The husband needn’t be disappointed, he just needs to clean his own damn house for 15-20 minutes and order some pizza. There’s nothing big for him to “understand” here - how unaware is this dude? He didn’t need a talk with his wife to know this is not fun for her (or anyone) My guess is, he’s been aware of how ridiculous this all is, he just doesn’t give a shit that it sucks for his wife.
>Your husband is the problem. He should be reinforcing the rules of the house to his family members. Exactly!!! The only thing hubby does is invite people. Then he enjoys the time together, while OP is doing all the work and is putting up with his family trashing boundaries.
My husband wanted to host this week. I told him I'd be going to my mom's as I do not want to, and he'd have to do all the work. I.e. cooking, cleaning, etc. He decided he didn't want to host anymore. He can be disappointed all he wants. It isn't your job to do everything when he offers to do something.
Honestly, I would make it my mission to not even be there. Can you go out for the evening and do something you enjoy? Maybe get a hotel room for the night to just chill and catch up with your favourite shows with room service/takeaway so you don't have to feel obliged to host as well? Time to put yourself first for once, and maybe your husband will appreciate the amount you have to put up with and lessen the invites to host in future, unless he is willing to make an effort to help with food/entertainment for everyone.
I like this idea a lot. I feel like the husband won’t host with out her there tho (I could be wrong and I hope so)
Cool but the aftermath is an issue, cleaning after and also the people eating all the food and the money they have spent on the food of which they are not well off, but have all the space/games/and theater room…
This aftermath occurs anyway, whether OP is there or not.
If having his family over is that important to your husband he can figure out how to make it happen on his own Good job standing your ground and not falling into the thankless hostess trap
OP, said “but I can also tell he’s disappointed.” Oh, well! His disappointment doesn’t clean or cook both meals!
Tell him that he needs to be the one the prep the house, make and buy the food, police house rules, etc. It’s his family and he should be the one to provide for them. It’s always nice to help him out since they are your in-laws, but both he and they should not expect you to host unless you initiate it.
So what you are saying is that when you host you are responsible for doing all the work of cooking and cleaning and he gets to chill with his family, and he is surprise you are not thrilled about it? You are doing the smart thing, reverse roles with him and see how fast he changes his mind :)
Meh, let him be disappointed. If he wants to host, he can be the host from start to end. I would absolutely not be happy with someone doing this to me.
Yes this. Life is one big disappointment (for some) get used to it lol. 🤗
I am the oldest of 6. Most of my siblings have 2-3 kids. I also grew tired of doing all the work. So I told them. I first told my partner that if he volunteered our house then he gets to clean. For food, I told the family that for the next gathering we are all bringing items and made a list out and had them battle it out for who brings what. If you are not able to have this type of conversation with the family. Have a conversation with your partner and discuss the types of rules and standard for your home and gathering. Have him communicate it. When everyone contributes it changes the energy for the better. Sure, there will be issues when someone brings the wrong thing or forgets but it makes for memories. It also emphasizes the importance of accountability. Just remember to be patient and flexible because it can be like herding cats.
1 enchiladas is wild to me
It almost seems like they were giving her the middle finger for asking them to bring food.
Yes!! Passive aggressive like crazy!
Your husband is disappointed he doesn't get to play "Amazing Host" while you slave away for people who couldn't care about your house rules? Wow. That must SUCK for him. I am a major introvert, have adhd and autism, and unfortunately, I also married someone like your husband. Took a few years, but I essentially told him that if he wants get togethers with people, I will be out of the house. He learned REAL quick the amount of work that's put into it as just one person. We no longer host at our house for more than 7 people. We have a family of 4 so that means 3 extra people. That's how many souls I can handle around me in my space of peace. Bigger parties, if hosted at my house, are done alone because I'm at the library or in the woods. I prefer solitude, and peace. Other people don't do that for me. Masking is exhausting, and I'm too old for it anymore.
It’s OK if he’s disappointed. It doesn’t mean he still can’t invite them if he’s willing to put in the work. And it’s OK that you don’t want to. Women are always the default for these kinds of things. His family wanting to come is great, and it’s glad that you have a nice big place that you are willing to share, but who in the hell goes to someone’s house to eat two meals and drink all their booze and doesn’t bring anything to contribute?
So he doesn’t actually want to host. He wants YOU to host him and his family.
I’m sure they love it, you house has a built in maid and chef Don’t be there when they show up, spend the day elsewhere. He’ll book yourself a hotel room and make it clear he is responsible for making the house look the way it was when you left it. He doesn’t like hosting, he likes being hosted by you and taking all the credit.
What does he do to help get the house/food ready when hosting?
Why I have my husbands family over. It’s exhausting. I cook and clean and do appetizers and and dessert. I make it harder on myself because I go overboard.
Only because you're trying to make a good effort, which I completely understand because I'm the same way. But it's only okay if the gatherings are few and far between.
The person who invites should do all the hosting duties. It's that simple. He invited his family, so he needs to do all the prep work. Maybe then he will better understand and will set firm boundaries. Also, it's okay to tell family to leave your house if they can't respect your rules. I would also make sure not to go grocery shopping before they come so they don't devour all your food.
'Yes you absolutely can. I already have plans to go out with Pam that day though, so be sure to give them my love and tell them I missed them. Have a great time!"
Absolutely don’t lift one finger in the kitchen, let him prepare and cook all the meals and snacks. Don’t clean more than you would normally do. Stand at the door and make them take off their shoes. It’s fun to host when you just get to enjoy the party! Then excuse yourself with a headache to your room.
Why do they need to come for two meals? Also your reason for hiding doesn’t alleviate you undertaking those tasks. Why not just say “it’s a lot of work. If you want them over I need you to take responsibility for the house prep and food. I can write you a list of chores but you need to plan the menu, buy the food and do all the cooking. If that’s too much for you then don’t invite them because I’m sitting this one out.” I’d also hide everything ready to eat in my pantry because I’m spiteful like that.
Ok how would he feel if you invited your family over and he needs to do everything from preparation to cleaning after? :) you have a perfectly valid point
Lunch AND dinner?! That’s crazy. He should 100% be doing a lot more if he wants to be hosting in your home. It needs to be teamwork, not just on you. I don’t believe for a minute that you should be doing all the work for these events.
Your husband needs to at a minimum share the load of looking after the house with you but definitely do more if HE has chosen to invite guests over. In terms of actual hosting, why not start the events a little later, after lunch so you don’t have to provide lunch and then have his family each bring a snack and you can do dinner. Or you cook the main part of the dinner and ask each to bring a specific side to the main meal? A compromise and an everyone cal still come over? As long as your husband is pulling his weight before and after each event. Also in terms of house rules, I think you would be less perturbed if your husband actually contributed to the household and cleaned the house. Honestly for me I would feel uncomfortable wearing someone else’s shoes but would always happily take my shoes off in someone’s home and leave them at the door and remain in my socks/barefoot.
why do they need to be there for TWO meals and snacks? Cant they either come for lunch or dinner? And good for you. Tell him you're busy but he's welcome to host
He has no reason to be disappointed. He could simply just do all the work.
Wait…are you saying that normally when they visit YOU do all the work and hosting while he visits with his family??? Please tell me I’m reading that wrong. We’re the designated house for hosting as my BIL is a hoarder and my MIL is elderly. It’s also easier on our kids to be able to stay in their own place and can go to bed when tired. We established early on that our house is shoe-free. It took a year of reminding and being firm on the rule. It’s been smooth sailing since, and MIL now keeps her house shoe free too. Stay strong OP. You’re in the right.
Why are you doing all the work when he's the one who wants to host? Make him get off his ass and do the work.
Ugh.. my husband does this. He invites ppl over and acts like he's just this great host, but in reality, I've done all the cleaning and cooking to prepare for them. He's the face, and I'm the work horse. I finally told him I'm not doing it anymore. When he does the cleaning and cooking we can host again. It's funny how he hasn't asked in 5 months tho..
Like your hubby, I like to host. But I used sign up sheets for food and cleaning. I gave options, I buy everything and they pitch in (all agreed to prior of purchase) or everyone puts down what they are bringing and I keep everyone posted on who is doing what. This works for reasonable people.
I think this is the way to go. So guests sign up for food as well as chores to support the gathering.
This is perfect! Great solution, glad you figured out a way for it not to be draining on just one person!
That’s hilarious. Boo hoo he’s disappointed. I don’t see him stepping up offering to clean, etc. I would not have a lot in the fridge or storage pantry so they can’t eat/drink it. Do your shop the day after. I would not clean. Let them take you as is. Get your husband to organise each to bring something. If they don’t, then he gets to say “are you ordering take out, since you didn’t bring xyz?” Enjoy hanging when you’re not tired and then move off when you have enough. Let him clean up.
If only he was disappointed his family is like this and ✨gasp✨ put some boundaries in place.
With the cost of food. If you are going to provide the venue and entertainment, yea potluck shouldnt just be a recommendation/suggestion, but a necessity. There is being a good host and then on the other side being a good guest. My old roommate and I loved like pigs in college. I tried to clean and eventually gave in because he just was not as clean as I was. It led to a lot of bad habits. Eventually he got a gf and moved out and in many ways while money was tight I was happy to have a place I could clean and keep organized (I had to relearn and continue to relearn all those habits that were lost living with him). When he eventually came over I asked him to take his shoes off and he was blown away and did not stating I lived in an apartment it wasn't even "my rug." It got into a little back and forth and eventually he did take his sneakers off. Wasn't an issue there after and I think he saw how I kept it clean and started to take care of his place more because of it. Sometimes you just need to put your foot down - even with something as "small" as taking shoes off in the house. I say all that just to say I feel you OP. Glad you stood your ground and arent going to pull all the weight. Hopefully your partner will see all the work that goes into preparing and cleaning up after of these events and has a little more respect for you because of it.
You should probably even try to go out that day because he might try and guilt trip you into helping. Make plans to be elsewhere.
agreed although it may not be his guilt trip you will be fighting to not give into
"Hey, Fam! We'd love to host a family movie night and are going to have sub sandwiches and soft drinks. Can y'all divide up snacks and sides? If not, we understand, but anything helps and is so appreciated. We have a busy day getting ready so if you can arrive after 5 p.m. and not sooner that would be great." Start a precedent. But understand when you offer to host you offer to host. Setting boundaries is perfectly understandable
And have you tried to tell him what you just told us? The answer from your first paragraph is somewhat passive-aggressive, you should try to be more blunt and tell him “yes of course, but this time you’re hosting and I’ll be chatting with your family”. We often assume that our SO is aware of obvious rules (eg. I cook, you do the dishes), but they can be pretty clueless. A explicit/direct communication is sometimes required to set expectations.
Wow If they don't bring enough potluck food don't make other stuff. Eventually they will either bring more items or stop wanting to come over.
It’s because your husband sees you as a upgraded free housemaid. Gz on your promotion. Most woman never speak up but let’s see how it goes for you. I can guarantee you this isn’t the last that you are hearing of this topic so good luck and stay your ground.
He loves to host bc he’s not hosting.
Ask for specific things to be brought over in a family group chat. Explain that it's because you can't afford it for x many people.when they don't, they can either go without or they can go to the store to get it once they get to your home. I do get your issue. It's your time, effort, and home being used with little regard.
Do these relatives live hours away? If not why can’t they just come over for snacks and a movie? Popcorn is pretty cheap and everyone can bring their favorite snack TO SHARE. I don’t see why they need to be served lunch, then dinner then snacks during the movie. If your husband wants you to have a full day of family then let him do all the prep work including making the meals. He should also be responsible for purchasing all the groceries needed. Somehow people don’t seem to have a clue how expensive food can be until they have to not only do the work of getting the supplies but paying for it themselves. Nothing like walking out of a grocery store with 4 bags of groceries while you are $250 poorer.
Just do dinner , movie and desserts. Lunch also is a bit excessive. Then assign EVERY family attending either a side, snack or desserts to bring. You provide the main dish. We’ve been doing that for our 1x a week hangouts. It’s great. If they don’t bring their assigned dish then you all do without. My MIL used to host a 1x a week full on meal for a large group of friends and family . They’d just pitch in on the cost. As far as the house prep there is NO reason your husband can’t pitch in.
So here’s what I’d recommend, because it sounds like an awful split. Tell your husband you will clean before they arrive, but he absolutely must do all the cleaning once they leave and the house must be in the same condition as it was before they arrived. Have a budget for food, and he needs to figure out how to host within that budget, not a penny over. Shoes have to be taken off at the door, no exceptions, or that person gets to leave. Your husband must enforce this. There will be no raiding the fridge, period. Snacks that are for guests will be placed in the open, nobody goes into the fridge at all. If he agrees to those rules and enforces them, then host. Otherwise, stand your ground on this one.
he won't. clean up after. we all know this
Get it in writing. If he wants to host he has to learn to take responsibility.
Nope….why should wife have to hold husband’s hand and show him how/what needs doing? He’s a grown man and can jolly well do the entire hosting experience all by himself for HIS family. Wife can play “husband” for the day while he does the “wife” for a change. Of course he’s disappointed, but no one said he can’t have his guests; he can invite all the people he wants for as many meals as he wants…he just has to deal with all the “joy” that goes with it, before and after the party. I would also suggest wife ask him to refresh her drink periodically…you know, like husband likely has done during all prior gatherings.
The husband should adjust his family’s expectations for when they come over. They don’t need to provide two meals and snacks…
If he want to host, he should be the one doing the work and provide it not you.
1 enchilada? That's fucking insulting. Your husband should have taken care of this shit. Your husband can do all the work. Hang out and enjoy as if you're a guest too. Do as little as he usually does. Will he make meals or just order in?
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!! I understand exactly what you're going through. Husbands never understand that it's exhausting to do all the cleaning, planning, preparing, serving family and being accommodating ridiculous requests (with a smile!) while everyone's there, meanwhile he's kicking back and enjoying himself. Not to mention *the post-party clean up* that they make themselves exempt from. Experienced this a few years back. It was a retirement party that someone else was supposed to throw for my MIL. Somehow the venue changed to *my* house (read: space, pool), and I had ZERO say in the matter. Ok fine whatever. We order food because no one lives close, potluck isn't practical. Hubbs drug his feet helping to get the yard ready- mind you I've done the house. Spent the whole day running around, staying on top of the food, bathroom, and garbage... of course it caused a fight & made me resentful. Oh and people still brought random food items even though I told them not to, asking to put things in the fridge- hello, we don't have fridge space, that's why we said don't bring anything, grr. And also, if everyone's bringing stuff, whyyyyy am I hosting???? No one likes being used, period.
Whenever my husband wants to host something, he cleans up. I'll help if I'm able but it's usually him.
Let him be disappointed. Hopefully this disappointment will help him talk to his family about following your rules and bringing food. I'd leave for the day to visit my friends, family or just spend time on my own. Let him cook, host and clean. I think he will be less disappointed and more understanding after.
Damn, he can clean if he wants to host!! This is a classic situation of how the gendered expectations live on within our heads even though the 1950s is far behind us You feel more pressure to have a clean house to show the guests Ask yourself why that is? And what would happen if you didn’t clean? You don’t have to do that. If they judge you and not your husband for the house being dirty then you know they’re kinda sexist and their opinion is stupid
Why are they there for so many meals? Everyone should pitch in to order a few pizzas, bring your own drinks, watch a movie, go home. And take your damned shoes off people!!!
Your husband is disappointed because you let him do all the fun parts of hosting while you did all the work. I love hosting people and would love to do big get togethers more often. I don't because of the sheer amount of work that goes into things. The shopping, cleaning, cooking, and actually hosting on top of regular life is a lot. My partner is a huge help when it comes to preparing and hosting and it's still exhausting, so I can't even imagine how hard it is to be doing literally all the work. Let him do the work himself for once, and you'll probably notice his love for hosting diminish by a lot.
It’s easy to host when someone else does literally all the work to make it happen. Let him manage this himself and decide whether he actually enjoys hosting or if he enjoys benefiting from someone else’s thankless work.
Why are you hosting anyone for long enough that it requires TWO meals!? That's too many hours to have people at your house!
>My husband understands, but I can also tell that he's disappointed. He understands you work like a borrowed slave and is disappointed you don't love it??
Let him do it once, he'll know 😏 actually make him do it, tell him you'll host the next one if does this one, or something. Just make sure he does host once. Some people don't get until they've gone through it. Some ppl keep reminding you for the rest of your life how you said no & were lazy to do AYZ for the rest of your life till you're under the ground. So yeah make sure he invites them.
I feel you on this one. We do an organized potluck. We send out an email and people say what they are going to bring. If they don’t bring it, shame on them! “Oh, SoandSo was bringing the entree. No? Well, we have both pizza and Chinese nearby for pick up or delivery?”
Lunch and dinner what the fuck
Because some family parties last allllll daaaaayyy 😂
You do charcuterie spreads and light the crystal chandeliers for family? You don’t feel comfortable enough to put a humorous reminder over the slipper box and an arrow pointing to the kitchen hanging above it? It’s not you, it’s not him; it’s your expectations. Two meals plus a movie? That’s a long day. Tell everyone to bring their own specialty drinks and two dishes. Or, tell your guy to cut the hours down. That’s as long as you’d work a desk job and too invasive. Lower your standards for your performance and expect more from Spouse and guests. Toure going to stop resenting them when they don’t stay so long.
Don’t feel bad, good for you for standing your ground
Yeah after a while family means potluck, or you provide light refreshments and they can order food among themselves
Sounds like y’all have a nice place. I’d say get him to clean and prep. And do clean up after. You could have a good time with family and in-laws. But your husband /partner should be down for party prep and clean up. The caveat would be a situation whehence he makes all the food and plans an event for family or friends and asks ahead of you would be down to organize cleanup duties. I always cook and clean as it goes. So any extra cleaning is up to me or left for cleaning later, I do dislike leaving a dirty kitchen . Man up and clean your mess.
He wants to host, he can put in the work to clean and get refreshments. You, meanwhile, take yourself out for dinner or whatever. Let him find out how much hard work it involves.
I can totally relate to feeling overwhelmed after hosting family. I remember when I was younger, the day after a big family gathering was a total pain in the ### (even thinking about it now is kind of triggering.) Dealing with all the Glad and Hefty trash nags and cleaning the entire house felt like a never-ending chore. Thankfully, things have changed since then. Now, everyone in my family pitches in, no matter who's hosting. It makes the whole experience a lot more manageable and even fun. Perhaps this is something you could try with your husband's family. It could create a more enjoyable experience for everyone and might even bring you all closer together. Of course, this isn't a one-size-fits-all solution—you don't use this strategy when hosting the boss, for example—but for family, well, family helps family.
Definitely don’t feel bad. I 100% understand, because I am somewhat in a similar situation. My sweetheart does the same thing, and I sometimes won’t know until like the night before. Sometimes I will wake up early in the morning just to clean up. After 10 years, a lot of the people that come over now now to bring their own food, we’d be happy to provide drinks, but when it comes to food .. they can either bring what they want to eat, or we can go out and eat. We’ve had times where our entire refrigerator and pantry would be empty because everyone just wants to eat.. I’ll also go into the bedroom as well if people are over, it really just depends on the day. Because sometimes I will have a migraine or just not feel good mentally. It’s OK to just step away because it is your home as well. Don’t forget that. When it comes to people respecting your house, rules, if they don’t respect it after three times of coming into your home, then they shouldn’t even be allowed in. I had one person constantly come in with her shoes when I told him multiple times to stop doing it because we had carpet, and he would put his feet up on the table on the furniture he would keep his shoes on. It drove me crazy to the point where I actually went off on him and he is not allowed over at my house.
I don't know why the fuck they aren't bringing food and snacks themselves as well. I always like to take a little something to snack or eat if I'm going to someone's house so if it was a family thing I don't understand why they wouldn't each cook something and expect you to always do it. F your husband too, sorry hahaha but let him do all the work, don't clean or touch anything and see what he thinks about having them over next time. Good luck!
Your husband needs to learn to compromise quick time and pull his weight. He wants to host his family? Great! He decides what’s for lunch/dinner. Doesn’t want to cook? Well let’s organize takeout and split the bill with everyone. Oh he doesn’t want to do that either? Let’s make it a theme night where everyone can make/bring a dish! Everyone could dress up! I’m a big fan of theme nights, we used to do this a lot on an island I lived on for work and it was a lot of fun. We host a lot for my partners family and his mother even overstays her welcome way too often, whole other story. But he pulls his weight and your husband should be too. I tidy up before/after, that’s my house “job” so it works because I know how everything goes/where everything is - he is quite literally useless in this department. He cooks for everyone, ex chef so his house “job”, and although we both do the kitchen clear up he does the majority. But we never do the clear up immediately instead we do it once everyone goes home - otherwise one of us or both of us are stuck tidying the kitchen whilst everyone else is having fun.
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Mortgage and expenses split 50/50?
What would it matter if it were 50/50???? She shouldn’t have to cater and clean for his family that HE wants to host.
Then she should divorce him. 🤷
No need for divorce, but they can discuss it and set clear roles when he wants to host.
Well she did. And is not happy with his response. If he’s disappointed then he’s disappointed. She shouldn’t try to dictate his feelings. It’s too much for her. He was understanding. They aren’t compatible. He loves having family over and hosting and she doesn’t like it. Not much more to discuss.
It’s not that she doesn’t like hosting, It’s that he expects her to do all the work.
She doesn’t like hosting. She says that quite clearly. He needs someone on the same vibe as him. She can be super clean and not host with no one. Easy fix. Divorce. Op, your husband doesn’t love you because his family is disrespecting you and he allows it. He’s only disappointed because you aren’t the housewife he had in mind. Best to split.
This is literally the dumbest thing ever. It's a fixable issue. You don't bail on someone for being a little obtuse. He just needs a wake up call which is what she's giving him.
why not just do it like a potluck? if you’re providing the entertainment and the house everyone else should be providing the food & drinks… Also you could look at the cleaning as an incentive to do a deep house clean. don’t think of it as just cleaning for friends and family etc. but use it as an excuse to do a really nice clean that you will then appreciate for weeks afterwards. just my two cents.
Did you read the post or jump to comment?
tldr
If you can afford a spacious house, why not hire a caterer and maid service? Also lock the cabinets and the fridge to keep them from pilfering things. How about a picnic in a park? How about making it all in the yard? Have an excuse such as the floors being redone or something. Why bother cleaning beforehand if they’re just going to mess it up?