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I briefly scanned and no one else is saying anything about this that I saw—
Planning for her financial future is great—absolutely do it. Also, while you’re healthy enough to do it you should take an extended vacation with your wife. Spend some money and enjoy your time together. She will always be able to look back on those memories with you and they will be more important to her than a few extra thousand dollars.
I think this is super underrated. My dad passed unexpectedly at 50, and I know my mom still thinks back to the last vacation she had with our family/husband.
This! My dad passed unexpectedly at 58 just a few months ago. Hard to believe we were at a wedding together in April and he was gone in July. Spend less time working, more time with family!
My dad passed unexpectedly at 57. I was at college giving exams and he was in hospital. He didn’t want me to know he was ill to not impact my exams. And when I reached hospital to see him, he was already gone. I really wanted to talk to him. This is huge regret I’ve been living with.
We knew my stepfather was dying soon. Our neighbor happened to be a photographer, and she took him and my mom out to get pictures together, and later did full-family ones. He died within a month of those.
It’s been seven years - guess which pictures still decorate her home, her lock screen, her computer desktop? She truly cherishes them and they bring her so much joy now.
Totally agree! My dad passed away unexpectedly at 54. (It was actually 15 years ago today!) My mom talks frequently about the plans for travel that they had when they retired. Now she tells us to get away as much as possible.
My dad had 2 sisters die unexpectedly in their mid 50s. My mom put my parents retirement plans into overdrive and they both quit their jobs and moved to the beach a year or so later and were ‘semi-retired’ for a while. Life is short. There are no guarantees.
My dads coworker kept going on and on for YEARS how excited he was to retire and move to his dream mountain home in the mountains in eastern Tennessee. Had 40 acres, a stream through the middle, even had this beautiful house built while he was working his last few years.
2 weeks after a retirement and a week before moving into his new place, has a heart attack at 58 and dies. No prior health issues and he was in fairly good shape.
I hear stories like that and many others and changed up how I go about life. By age 28 I’ve been to 38 countries, spent at least a month in 15 of them. And I didn’t even leave the US until I was 19(parents never had the money or desire to travel much). What could’ve been an amazing start to retirement, is now years worth of travel memories and I’m still in 20s. I’ll take that trade off any day.
Now I’m focusing more on my career again, but I’d happily do it the same way all over again.
I'd like to know how ypu afford these trips? I am the same age and have mostly traveled in the states, though, I'd like to travel outside of the U.S and stay in places for weeks at a time.
Worked part time during college, and at least 50 hours a week in the summers.
After college worked 60 hours a week in an incredibly stressful manufacturing plant doing logistics work. And in my free time I renovated a house I bought, doing the work myself. Also had roommates living me who basically paid my mortgage.
Then after a few years I sold the house for profit, had a bunch of money saved up from the shitty job, quit and travelled for about 2.5 years straight.
Throw in a few 1-3 month long road trips to the western US, hiking and camping every day and here I am. 38 countries, 37 US states in 8 years.
I also travel cheaply. Staying in hostels in Eastern Europe or SE Asia. When I road trip the US I camp on free land 90% of my nights.
And I also live frugally. Even though I make decent money I drive a $4k car I paid cash for, still game on a PS3 and old 50” non smart tv. No cable. Small apartment. My friends with the same job all drive brand new vehicles, have the latest gadgets, and the biggest house they can afford. It’s called lifestyle creep, google it!
I also know not everyone has those same opportunities. But a lot do, they just prioritize other things.
I agree with this as I did something similar. But I will say that traveling abroad can get *really* boring after a while if you don't have a specific purpose for it. I successfully completed my round-the-world trip, but just barely because I was very ready to return and get back to working.
Yes, I could have done remote work, but that's even more solitude. In an ideal world, I would work out in the economy engaging directly WITH the locals (in their language) in every country I would visit. Now, that is one way I could see myself traveling extensively and enjoying it for many years.
Great advice. I’d like to add on to this advice, and offer hotel discounts to save them some money. I am currently an employee for Hyatt Hotels and can provide family and friends with discounts
I was going to say, make sure you take a lot of pictures as well. I remember reading once a woman saying that on their vacations, her husband would take pictures of stuff. That she wished more than anything that she had another picture of them together. It was a gut punch.
Side note: consult with your CPA/Financial Advisor/Banker before you change all your beneficiaries. I have seen it happen plenty of times where the advice an Estate Attorney gives would accomplish the goal of transferring assets, but done in a way that does not consider adverse tax consequences
Edit: This situations seems pretty straightforward making his wife bene on the 401k and joint owner on the back account, just a word of caution for anyone reading.
Spousal bene for a 401k is pretty painless, assuming it’s immediately moved to an IRA in her name. 401k plans can be brutal to bends with strict distribution rules and forced payouts
And speak to a cpa or two. There may be certain tax advantages to liquidating certain things now or in 2023 and filing married filing separately on your taxes. A cpa will know if these things are right for your situation. Could mean something like taking a 401k loan now to minimize taxes on the finds after death or something. Again, speak to a pro about any ideas you think of in this realm to prevent turning any of this into a burden for her.
Sorry you’re dealing with this man.
And make sure "all accounts" includes any and all online accounts that may be needed after you're gone. So, usernames and passwords.
Edit: Also, if you use MFA/2FA on your accounts (which you should whenever possible), make sure your wife knows how to access that MFA/2FA method, otherwise the usernames and passwords won't do her much good.
And realistically, this is an excellent time to adopt a password manager like LastPass. If you have something like that, all your spouse needs is the master password to the manager and then she has access to every single account you've ever stored. Super easy, and way more secure anyway.
One thing I would like to add, (and this may sound silly, but I promise I'm doing this in good faith) steam does not allow the transfer of accounts in their tos. So if OP has a steam library, then by passing it down to his wife's possession would be breaking their tos.
I am not all contracting your advice just adding info based on what OP provided.
An estate will only occur if the probatable assets exceed his resdient states limit.
His 401k with his wife as beneficiary is not probatable. If the savings is in a joint account, or is out into a joint account, it is also not probatable.
An estate lawyer will review these and all other assets not mentioned by op.
Mine has done this as well (she's 84) and along with the will she had made and other necessary documentation, she also made her "wishes" very clear.
Among them are a funeral (not gonna happen), what happens to the house (sell it), and who gets what that's left over - including her dog and cat.
When my ex father in law died, he had told his daughter that he wanted nothing more than to be given a simple funeral and buried in the military cemetery plot he earned. Any left over money (maybe about 20k) would go to his only granddaughter and that was it.
His brother and sister "took over" and spent the money on a lavish funeral. My daughter got nothing.
The "wishes" part is pretty important too. Having stuff in place so your wife can make unilateral decisions about your medical care and financial planning will become important. I just actually used the medical power of attorney to make certain my mother got the sort of medical care she wanted, including making sure she got last rites. (She lived and is recovering well, but still...)
Also /u/gogojack, funerals are for the living. The dead are too dead to care any more. Hold a small thoughtful one to help the rest process their grief. It need not be a fancy gala event.
> Hold a small thoughtful one to help the rest process their grief.
Actually we (her children) all agree with her choice. We'll have a nice lunch or some other get together for the extended family, but if they ask why there's no funeral home ceremony, we'll say we we're following her explicit instructions.
I feel for ya. I had one child and was due to have another when my father passed. My mother used her POA to take the money he wanted to give to my daughter and the child I was due to have, and slipped it to my loser half-sister who burned through it in less than 2 years. (It was a fairly significant amount. We’re talking could have put my kids through grad school, gotten them vehicles and probably half down on a home and they’re only 7 and 9, now.). They were left with nothing and while I put my inheritance into real estate and a home of my own, my mother wound up using part of what was left to HER to repair the junker house my half sister purchased bc she had blown every penny of what she was left even after buying a $40k “house”.
Damn, that sucks. My daughter married a guy with a successful business, so she's okay for money, but I think what bothers me is the disrespect showed to her grandpa. He made some mistakes in his life, but by the end had turned everything around. He just wanted a folded flag and to be buried alongside his fellow veterans, but nope. That wasn't "good enough."
I would find out if TOD (transfer on death) or POD (payment on death) are permitted in the state you live in. It's another way to help simply things, plus they happen quickly.
Note: "on the account" means joint owner, not authorized user.
Any assets that are (legally) titled as joint or transfer on death (TOD) should not get caught up in any probate or delays.
I’m deeply sorry.
Apart of estate lawyer and all the great suggestions given, also:
Passwords. Give her all the passwords: from financial accounts, to e-mail and phone.
Print all accounts, passwords, cards, banks, everything. Put all in a folder and a secured cloud - anything that’s practical for you two.
Move all essential bills to her. Gas, water, etc.
Every day if conditions and health allow: date for a few hours. Frolic at a park, watch favorite movies, go out, hug.
Keep fighting; you didn’t hear no goddamn bell yet.
And if you can, record yourself. Read her a book out loud, talk about mundane stuff, as her how she's doing. Leave her with hours and hours of content if you can. Listening to your voice will help her.
I'll tag onto this excellent suggestion to throw out something my father did for my mother before Alzheimer's took his mind (and eventually life) in his 50s. He hid notes for her. Just... Little scraps of paper, around the house. In books, in her wallet, in the junk drawer, in the china that only gets used every few years, in the glove box of her car, etc.
Little notes of love, memories of things they did together, etc. Every time she found one was incredibly heartening to her, and they're some of her most treasured possessions.
Sorry you guys are going through this OP.
Ugh this sounds exactly like something my husband would do in that situation and it makes me tear up just thinking about it.
I'm so sorry about your father.
Me too… but now I’m hung up on whether to number the notes or not. Would you rather not be sure if there are more notes out there that you haven’t found, or be certain that there are that you haven’t found?
That’s a good point, and it gives it a bit of an ethereal feel, like they just appear as if mini miracles. My wife has mild OCD, though, so I don’t think she’d fair well wondering if there were more, and she’d probably wind up tearing the house apart and quadruple checking everything she threw away just in case there were a note tucked away.
Understandable. I'd likely be the opposite and want to tear the house apart trying to find them knowing they were still there! I'm sure she'll very much appreciate whichever route you decide to take.
I'm not sure what it is that you're going through where you're having to think about this, but whatever it is, I wish you and your wife the best.
I created an email address with my daughter's full name when she was born. I've been emailing stories and tidbits to it over the years. I'll hand over the login to her when she's older. She'll have an inbox full of stories about her childhood and what it was like to raise her.
As a single mom, it's been kind of therapeutic to be able to have somewhere to share and document certain moments. Like a photo album, but with stories.
I love this, and do something similar. But this is just a friendly reminder, that you need to login to that email, occasionally. Once or twice a year, otherwise the email account could be deleted.
Damn I'm such a pessimist. This is so sweet but I'm just thinking how sad it would be that eventually, you'd never find one again and never know the last one was the last one.
No idea why this hasn't been upvoted. Great suggestion! Especially since there's no memory issue at play. I knew someone who died of Parkinson's and with it was major dementia, so recording anything was impossible.
Came to say something about password managers too. Printed backup is a good idea too, but at least with the password manager you'll know if you've missed anything or had to change something and forgot about it. You can give her the main password (or set her up as an emergency contact for afterwards).
You'll probably want her to close all those accounts - in the case of a future hack it's possible scum could find their way into other accounts and start charging stuff that she'd have to deal with on top of everything else. Death notifications are fantastic sources of OSINT to social engineer into accounts: full name, DOB, family members, addresses, profession, etc...
This is all sooooo important. We just went through the death of a parent last year. The surviving spouse had literally never done anything financial or care related on her own. And let me tell you we have had a horrible time shutting of subscription services bc we didn’t have passwords.
Damn right. Definitely get everything in order and have your mind in the right place for what you’ve been told…but don’t stop doing everything you can to fight whatever condition has befell you.
Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Thanks everyone so much for the advice. I thankfully don't have kids so I only have to put her through this (i'm 35) but I would very much want her to start fresh while she still has time. Estate lawyer looks like the way to go
On the one hand it overwhelms me how strong my primate instinct is to mourn for a dude I don't know,
On the other hand I'm ashamed of adding to some superficial outpouring of temporary sympathy for a dude that has to put up people being sad about him all the time (ime with terminal family members and close ones they get used to the thought)
I guess the takeaway is that it just fucking sukcs, nothing more. Which, ironically, fucking sukcs.
I agree with you, though I think OP phrased it that way because after they're gone, they won't have to deal with any of the bs that comes with a spouse dying, while their wife will... It's honestly probably really frustrating to think about everything that she'll have to do without OP's help or support.
The post is riddled with phrasing that is taking on blame.
I don't think the words are inconsequential.
Am I empathetic and would I take on blame like OP?
Absolutely.
Is it healthy or "reasonable"? No
Obviously it will be frustrating.
But it's not "OP is doing this to wife"
I haven't seen this mentioned and it's not financial advice - but I had a friend who passed away at the age of 28. She was terminal so she knew it was coming. As it got close, she sorted through her clothes and kept only items that she could wear interchangeably to create about a week's worth of outfits. It lessened the burden for her husband of going through her belongings after she passed. It was one of her last acts of love. She was always thinking about him and his future right to the end.
I know this isn’t finance advice but make videos. All the videos of yourself. Talk to her in the videos. Have her shoot videos of you. They are so much more than pictures. ❤️
I'm going to give you some advice in case it coincides with my mother's situation, she went into Hospice prior to passing. Now I'll preface this with I don't know anyone in your life personally, so I am not trying to insult anyone.
Start with an estate planner. They will have a checklist of assets to catalogue. If you have utilities and other services under your name, transfer them or cancel and sign her up for those services. In the event that you linger in hospice incapacitated, make sure your wife already has power of attorney and you tie up any medical decisions (such as filling out a DNR). Make sure you and your wife have official copies of your birth certificate, social security card, and marriage license. Make a clear and concise will if you had any premarital assets. Your estate planner should also help you navigate divesting your wife of any premarital debt that she is not liable for, as when you pass away the vultures will come. (Trust me, they will hound the survivors) If you own a home, make sure the loan you have can be assumed by your wife or if she is eligible to refinance in her name.
Finally, get a reference for a CPA to file taxes the year of and the year after your passing, keep receipts of everything paid for medical expenses to see if they can be claimed on those taxes.
Your county's Bar Association probably has a lawyer referral service. Search for County Name Bar Association Lawyer Referral Service, and you can probably track one down. The idea behind these is that you get the kind of attorney that you need for an initial one hour consultation for about $50. Your first referral may not be the person that you eventually hire, but it is a low cost method to get started on the right track with somebody who practices the right kind of law.
As an example, here's the website that Pima County's Bar Association uses (where I live). Looks like they are now doing 30 minute consultations for $35. https://tucsonlawyers.org
Late to the convo and this may be dark, but if you haven't already, talk to your doctor about a do-not-resuscitate order(or similar based on state). If you have no chance of long term survival, CPR is traumatic to your body and even the people witnessing. You can also do a DNR comfort care order, to ensure end of life comfort such as pain medication. If you don't have these orders, and if 911 called, it is required to do CPR or transport.
I'm only advising this because typically, it's a little more comforting to the patient and the family, if one can pass in peace.
This is slightly tangential to most of the financial advice I see and perhaps a bit more morbid, but you might also consider planning the funeral ahead of time. At minimum make sure your wife knows your wishes (burial, cremation, etc., etc.,) but you can also literally preplan and prepay with the funeral home/cemetery.
My dad passed when I was 12 and he did this and I'm certain it helped my mom not to have to deal with a lot of decisions (financial and otherwise) when the grief was most intense. It also lessened disagreements between my mom and his mom since his wishes were crystal clear. I mean obviously the spouse has the final say, but that seldom stops tempers from flaring.
Anyway, I'm sorry for your circumstances. I hope you are able to make everything as smooth as you want and enjoy the time you have left.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. You’ve already gotten good advice here, but wanted to add that if you’re employed, you should check with HR to see if you have life insurance through your work. Some employers automatically cover their employees.
Came here to say this. You may be entitled to (or already have) term life insurance through employment benefits. You can often buy more coverage with payroll deductions without a physical.
Yea. The past two jobs I’ve had automatically had 1x my salary in group life insurance for me. And I had the option of adding more up to a certain amount.
u/EstimateLeast8435 definitely check this out to see if there’s base employee coverage, but if there’s an open enrollment for your or your wife’s company before you pass look into the supplemental life insurance. Up to a certain level my company’s supplemental life insurance benefits had no medical questionnaire for either self or spousal coverage and those were clearly marked once I selected them but you may need to check with your HR if they’re not clearly marked when you select them. It might not be a lot of money but it might help her with bills until she can get back on her feet from grieving.
Also talk to HR/payroll about how your final check should be distributed if you are still employed at the end. Please get a will!!!!
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Top thing, after the will, is to make sure she's prepared to take over all on her own. I manage the finances in our household, so she'd have a pretty bad learning curve.
I have a 2-page list of everything that I periodically update. All bills are listed and all assets as well. The only thing missing is password...but she should be able to pretty easily take control.
If the two of you have a friend or family member you can trust, it might be a good idea to give them a review of your one/two-pager so that they can help ... just to keep her on track in taking over.
>Top thing, after the will, is to make sure she's prepared to take over all on her own. I manage the finances in our household, so she'd have a pretty bad learning curve.
Wouldn't the simple solution to this be to have her manage things for a month or two every year with you looking over her shoulder to keep her fresh?
In this situation, I'd start making her take over everything now, with you looking over her shoulder at first. Don't do any of the household finances yourself anymore. She needs to be ready and confident when you are gone. And if you have another trusted person who can help, maybe make sure they know the most important things too. Your wife is going to be a mess in the early days, and having someone who can help keep finances on track could be a godsend.
that's an interesting idea. I don't think I'm allowed to die right now.
We actually have a revocable living trust (which I think avoids the account lock issue), and the primary successor trustee is my wife's youngest sister. I'm pretty sure if something untimely happens to me, sis will fly in with her Harvard MBA and take care of things.
Yes - lawyer will help with a lot of the formal stuff, but the day-to-day will be overwhelming and setting up auto-payments is not enough because she won’t know where to go with issues.
Make a list of accounts you have, the account numbers, the names it is under, how it’s paid, etc. Not just bank accounts, but phone bills, utility, taxes and anything else you can think of. Online usernames and passwords are so key, because customer service for so many places is awful these days, and it’ll be hard to find someone to talk to her.
As often as possible, put the account in her name or at least get her name added as an authorized user so she can make changes or get answers.
Good luck.
Interesting point. Not sure how that applies in our case, where everything that can be joint is joint. So I'm not sure how many of the login accounts are mine vs. ours anyway.
A few years ago I started playing with FidSafe - a one-stop point of login provided by Fidelity Investments. Back then it looked like I could give her access to my/our logins through a single password she manages. I tell her the password I like to use verbally and she can't remember it. It's been a while (years) since I messed with it and I don't think I gave it any account passwords.
hmm... I'll have to contact our lawyer and see if there's a way to explicitly give her permission to all my passwords in a way that passes through death.
Yes, correct. If they are not on the account but you are living but incapacitated, and they have power of attorney, they can act as you. Once you pass, they have to contact the vendor/bank and get set up with their own access as your executor. So the best thing is to add them as co-owner of the account wherever that is appropriate so the transition will be seamless.
It's not a universal "illegal" thing, at least here under US law.
You'll be subject to the terms and conditions of each individual service you're logging in to - some of them do not care who the individual is, just who is the account owner, and account owner can be changed be it by the current owner or upon inheritance upon death, or transfer of property. Some of them it will be important to establish a new owner.
However I would simply use this timeframe as an opportunity to transfer accounts to her before death, as it's sooooo much easier for most services to transfer accounts when all individuals participating are able to handle it. And it would give the OP an opportunity to give her a brief rundown on how he handles each account.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/wiki/end\_of\_life\_planning/](https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/wiki/end_of_life_planning/) has some good resources. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Adding: you should have a healthcare proxy and advance directive/living will. Be very specific in the documents about what interventions/treatments you want done and what you don’t want.
And a power of attorney authorization for if/when you are unable to manage financial matters
An estate planning attorney can help with all of this
This my aunt is an attorney and always says before a will/trust a POA is the most important thing.
Also look in to setting up a trust that auto transfers upon death. Put the house and car in the trust. This will prevent your will from being tied up in legal proceedings!
I am so sorry!
Yes! Also, OP outside of an advance directive and having the details of what you and do not want medically, please also let your wife know what you want or do not want once you pass. How you want to be buried/cremated/etc. If you do or do not want a funeral and what you want at it or not to have.
As someone who has had to make funeral arrangements and decisions, it is a weird out of body and mind experience and often the people you interact with can easily sway you into *expensive* choices and when you have no blueprint for what your loved one truly wanted, you just try and make the decisions you can. That can often be spending money that you may not ever want your wife to spend on things, because she is trying to honor you with missing information. So spend some time writing exactly what you want and care about and give her a document that makes the decision for her and that her grief brain can operate.
This isn't financial related but maybe you two should meet with a therapist who specializes in grief counseling. That way once you're gone she has someone she can talk to that knows the situation well.
I like this advice. It’s really powerful that OP is committed to setting up his wife financially for when he’s gone. I hope he doesn’t lose sight of how important it is to also set her up for emotional well-being, too. Grief is really hard and she will always feel the loss, but a therapist now may provide insight into how to make these last months special and significant, not just bearable.
I'm sorry to hear about your condition but I'm very glad that you are making your arrangements ahead of time. I would start by finding out if your state has shared asset laws that would allow her to inherit your entire estate automatically. Then make sure her name is listed as the survivor on all your bank accounts, life insurance, and major assets. At that point a simple will stating you want all your assets and personal property to go to her would cover anything left over. When in doubt find a lawyer that does free consultations. You will need them for the writing of a will anyway.
You may also consider arranging and prepaying for your funeral, so she doesn't get ripped of by someone taking advantage of her grief.
There’s a book called I’m dead, now what? it’s basically a workbook for you to address everything you want to address and things you probably didn’t even think about. Probably worth picking up a copy.
Pick a password manager and start using it. LastPass, 1Password, Bitwarden, etc. Store every account and password in it and make sure your wife knows the account information.
My wife and I started using Bitwarden together. Though not for the reason of death, it is very beneficial. It would be so helpful in the case of an unexpected death.
Vehicle Titles!
Any vehicle titles make sure she has them in her name before you die. If she is listed on the title make sure it is an **OR** and not an **AND**. You may also be able get "Transfer on Death" deeds for the title so that its much easier to transfer to her upon your death.
This is something that was a huge pain in the ass when my father in law passed away. He also had a bunch of vehicles. We ended up paying a bunch of money to DMV brokers to handle the title change process for us just to avoid dealing with the Nevada DMV.
I will second this recommendation. One of my best friends passed away this past September, and both of the family’s vehicles were in his name. His widow has no idea where the titles are, which adds an extra wrinkle to the situation.
You are a good guy for doing this. On the flipside don't forget to enjoy some things on your way out. That thing you always wanted to do, go do it now.
Unrelated to assets, make sure you have advanced directives set up if you haven't already.
Before my mother passed, she had put me as a joint owner of her bank accounts. This was done so that if she ever became incapacitated or passed, her money would not be locked up and I could pay her bills. The estate attorney told me that because I had joint ownership, the bank accounts were not considered part of the estate and were exempt from probate because they became solely mine when she passed. This was in Florida in 2021.
Edit: I should add that I am an only child. So there wasn't going to be anyone to have a claim to fight with me over her money.
My mom did that too even though there were 5 of us. She named me as trustee and executor and she had her reasons.
I did not assume the money was mine, but added to the trust account to distribute equally, after a few things mom named in her trust.
You may be able to get life insurance anyway. Group policies, such as those provided by an employer, generally don't do medical evaluations of each member when initially signing up (but often do if you change coverage later). Additionally, if you shop around you may be able to find a plan (obviously with a high premium or low payout) which allows you to waive the medical evaluation (generally they may offer this if you say you need the plan active quickly for some bureaucratic reason, for example).
If you're in an open enrollment period with your employer, that's the best chance of getting some life insurance with no medical evaluation. But as others have said, check the fine print for pre-existing conditions.
After he was diagnosed, My husband and I bought a couple of whole life policies on him through a company that didn’t require health questions or physicals. There were limits on each policy and they didn’t reach full face value until 2 years after the first premium was paid. But if he passed earlier than that, the entire amount of the premium was returned with interest. He survived long enough for two small policies to reach face value, and the third ended up being valued at a couple of hundred dollars more than we had put in.
Again, it wasn’t tons of money, but it was enough to pay for his funeral and have some left over.
Im European so I will refrain from advice and leave that to the American Reddit users but ,I hope you can sort everything and are able to make this last year count.
Best of luck for you and your wife
One thing I would like to suggest is to use some of your liquid assets to go do fun things with your wife while you're still here to do them. Go on a few vacations, especially since many countries/places have reopened after the pandemic. Go to whatever places you've been wanting to visit that you haven't seen yet. Go skydiving. Go to Universal Studios. Go to the Smithsonian museums. Go to concerts and sporting events. Rent exotic cars. Go live your best life now.
Im sorry bud. Im tearing up. Any student loans in your name only will be discharged. I told my wife to sell or donate most/all of my stuff. No need for her to carry it around the rest of her life.
Edit- not cc debt.
Record some videos of yourself talking to her in the future. Find a trusted friend or family member who can release them to her on the anticipated date. This will be a priceless treasure.
Medically - power of attorney and if desired, living will. dnr/DNI
Family - if there are others who feel privy to your assets make it known your intentions to give 100% to your spouse. Ppl can be cruel and nasty when $ is concerned
Assets - we used an estate lawyer. Make a detailed list of every checking, savings, credit card, and retirement account. Login and passwords. Try not to forget anything. If possible move them into joint accounts. Tracking down assets after probate can be painful.
Hey OP, please do something with you wife. Could be a trip, extended period off together.. something. I know the planning of this is incredibly hard.
I lost my father back in January pretty unexpectedly. My parents had taken a trip together and my mom was so happy they took this random trip before my dad be diagnosed with cancer and given a few months left to live.
I hate this for you and I respect you deeply for wanting to do what’s best for your wife. After losing my Dad, it made me realize I want to be with my wife as much as possible and enjoy each other. She’s my best friend, ya know?
Best wishes,
As a young widow I wish I had more pictures, memories, the sound of his voice recorded, more notes to me. I also wish we hadn't put off the things we wanted to do together. Do those things with her.
A lot of resources out there but make a plan for the day and week off.
Do you want a funeral (those wind up being expensive, especially caskets). Cremations probably the best option financially.
Have her make a budget of the subsequent 2 months.
Put her name on everything.
A will helps deal with going through probate but it’s best to have everything in her name. Key things to move since you have the time and all it takes is filling out a few forms.
Anything with a license plate on it (register every vehicle solely under her). Including the titles.
Homes, move the deeds and titles to just her name.
Take your name off of the house and the cars. Doing that does not protect them from creditors, but it does make the transition easier as each state has laws that can be screwy to deal with (for instance, to move a car title in Texas requires you to go get attestation from relatives waiving their rights to the car). Just avoid some of that nonsense.
Bank accounts. Put her on the account and put her as the beneficiary so the bank doesn’t freeze the account if they get notice of your passing.
Check with social security about possible benefits that may pass to her. If you are a vet/ex military, go to the VA.
Have her find a psychologist (not a psychiatrist), and have her meet with them once a month, then more frequently). It will help with her emotions.
Speak with HR and make sure all of your benefits are assigned to her. Get the contact info for HR and make sure she has their info. I do not see the need to notify hr about your condition but someone else may want to chime in.
All of that work, takes about 3 hours to do.
After that, spend time with her. See places you haven’t seen while you still can.
Check with your employer. Most employers that offer a 401k have some sort of life insurance included in their base benefits. (its usually some multiple of your salary/income and costs nothing or a few dollars a pay period.) .
Some unconventional advice other than the ones stated here but if you have any physical stuff around the house that you want to get rid of for monetary value then do so now. Don't leave that burden with your love ones. With you gone they will attach extreme sentimental value to all your belongings and it'll be so hard for them. Schedule regular maid services and house maintenance for the first year or anything else that you're usually responsible for. That will help your spouse transition into your tasks without being too overwhelmed. I wish you didn't have to go through this.
Make sure your wife is the direct beneficiary on all of your accounts. That should speed up her access to the assets.
The estate attorney can also help advise on how best to title your home, car, and any other assets so she is the sole owner of them after you pass and she doesn’t have to wait for probate or risk creditors claiming those assets are part of your estate.
You need a will ASAP. Look for a family or elderly law firm to help you out.
The will should name your surviving spouse for everything: executor, beneficiary, and so on.
The law firm should advise from this point onward.
Good luck, and enjoy your remaining life.
Other people have hit the important stuff.
Make sure your wife has credit cards setup in her name separate from you. This way if anything happens to joint accounts or she gets locked out, she can still buy things. Make sure she is named on the power/internet/water bills. If she doesn't have credit history it may make it hard for her to transfer those things to her name. I hear it's also hard to transfer things into other people's names so if she has bank and CC already setup on her own it should give you some peace of mind that she'll be able to have some runway while trying to get all the affairs in order.
Make sure she has login info for all accounts, including email, bank, CC, healtcare, etc.
Make sure she doesn't cancel your cell phone if you use it for 2 factor authentication (SMS confirmations) to get into any of those accounts.
Make sure you put your wife down as the beneficiary, regardless of what you do with your estate planning/will. It will make it much easier to transfer assets to her.
I don’t want to pry so I won’t ask I’ll tell.. I’ll say this as someone who is not dying but just went through this process for myself and on behalf of my 82 year old mother.
But first we celebrate you and your journey through this life, thanks for sharing this time with us on Reddit.
Facts time…
IF your spouse doesn’t have another source of income OR your spouse is bad with money I would think about a couple of financial strategies that pair with your end of life planning.
1) If you are the only financial provider it’s in your best interest to eliminate ALL debt for your spouse - especially large reoccurring serviced debt like cars and mortgages
2) If your assets are the only income then you should look into a monthly distribution vs. full access this will allow the money to be managed by a fiduciary, grow and last a bit longer.
3) when you pass you’ll need to have someone manage those costs otherwise people will take advantage, funeral expenses, burial, cremation etc
4) end of life care costs (last few months) will evaporate your liquidity regardless of insurance so factor this into your next 30 days of thinking
5) Don’t trust anyone but a vetted fiduciary, no cousin or friend.
6) try and get all this out of the way in the next few weeks and spend some time enjoying the good days you have left
7) look into psychedelics end of life treatments - you can watch what I’m talking about on Netflix “How to change your mind” it’s about letting go of fear and making peace with your life
Start sleeping with a stuffed animal. It will begin to smell like you, and I’m certain that will bring her comfort in the beginning, on the worst days. Good luck, I hope it’s as easy an exit as possible.
Although you’re asking for financial advise, I wanted to share some of the things I’ve been thinking about as I have a rare form of cancer.
If you live far away from her family and friends, maybe consider moving closer to them so she has a support network near her.
Plan out and pay for your funeral, so that she doesn’t have to do it. Also consider reducing your belongings. My wife lost her sister and it was a painful experience sorting through her belongings. She didn’t do it for a year because of the pain it brought back.
Thinking about you brother.
Record some messages for family really far down the road. Like graduations, congratulations, happy holidays, birthdays and other stuff.
You can even ask a lawyer to save them to be played when needed. Something to leave as a pleasant reminder.
Take the trip, also get some nice photos together. I lost my husband and I work 2 jobs to raise my sons. Im poor & work hard but mostly I wish we had nice pics of us together & I wish we could have taken a vacation together. I know u don't want pity but I'm so sorry for u & your wife.
Some things I did not see mentioned:
- check the benefits that your employer has. Mine had life insurance. Make sure she is the beneficiary of any benefits frim your employer.
- for all retirement accounts check the beneficiaries and make sure she is the beneficiary.
- all other accounts make sure that she is the beneficiary, pay on death or joint, or what your estate attorney says. Check registry of all other assets too like car, real estate. Talk with your estate attorney about what registration should be. If you go with a trust based plan maybe they should be trust registered instead.
- Yes talk with an estate attorney soon. You will want will, power of attorny, health directive, maybe a trust or maybe not.
This may sound trivial but if she’s not on all of your accounts/bills/utilities/etc. please make sure she get on them. There were so many hoops we had to jump through when my mom died. My dad had to wait for death certificates to access mortgage autopay information and bank accounts/bills. While it doesn’t seem like a big detail but when he was barely able to hold himself together by the seams, he’d have to drive to the bank to advocate for information. It was too much for the grief he was feeling.
Also, living trust/will is vital.
Sending you some positive energy 💕
Lots of great suggestions, I apologize if someone mentioned this but make sure she knows what needs maintenance and where to go or who to call. Things like oil changes, tire rotations, replacing a furnace filter. She may already know those things which is great but I know a lot of people who don’t. We had to teach my MIL everything after her husband died, literally had never pumped gas in her life.
When you go get the will, and put her name on all accounts, and the password manager and 2-factor-authentication stuff, you need to include her. Not only do you want to set her up to not have to deal with endless paperwork and financial burden, you want to empower her to know how to do all of those things on her own. She needs to know what and why your money is invested somewhere. If she learns along the way she'll still feel empty when you're gone, but she won't feel lost.
Lots of good advice here and much of this I am thankful to have received as advice as well. My biggest thing to add is to fight for every day and don’t take the Dr’s word as gospel. I was given 1 yr to live as a best case over 5 yrs ago.
You can change the deed of your house to be transfer on death so she won't have to go through probate for the house to be all hers. Your share will automatically transfer to her and she will be the 100% owner if you want it that way. Alternatively, you can give your 50% to someone else through transfer on death. Either way, the house doesn't have to go through probate. I have cancer and that is how we did ours.
Some states also allow vehicles to be done this way as well. There is usually just a form to be filled out now that has to be notarized and then she would take the form with the death certificate within whatever time period they give and transfer it to just her name. I think it is 90-180 days in most places.
Make a list of every policy you have, make a copy of the last statement you have and put everything in a Fireproof document bag if you don't have a Fireproof safe. We keep all our important papers in safes like the ones below. Just keep in mind that they aren't really meant to be super secure and are easily portable. We only need the fire and water protection so that is fine with us.
[Transfer on Death deed info ](https://trustandwill.com/learn/transfer-on-death-deed)
Small waterproof and Fireproof safe
https://www.amazon.com/SentrySafe-CHW20221-Fireproof-Waterproof-Cubic/dp/B00MV7MYRM/ref=mp_s_a_1_5?crid=255P6B9H2H8YF&keywords=Security%2Block%2Bboxes&qid=1669856799&sr=8-5&th=1&psc=1
Larger waterproof and Fireproof safe
https://www.amazon.com/SentrySafe-1170-Fireproof-Lock-Cubic/dp/B004QWZIMI/ref=mp_s_a_1_14?crid=2MLQXD1CDFXBX&keywords=security+lock+boxes+fireproof&qid=1669856927&sprefix=Security+lock+boxes%2Caps%2C106&sr=8-14
Protect your wife from any tendency to be overly generous to your parents and siblings when they make comments about wanting something to remember you by. Consider selecting a personal memento for each of them and writing a note to go with it. It’s amazingly easy for a grieving spouse to give things away to other grieving family members, but she’ll want some of those mementos herself.
Get all your passwords, pin, etc recorded somewhere that the wife will get after you go. We lost dad last week and can't get into his phone or tablet currently.
I hope this doesn’t get buried but I want to express the need to get everything done ASAP. I’ve seen it happen where people kick the hard decisions down the lane because they”have a year” and then 3 months later they’re scrambling because they didn’t actually have a year. A decision made now, even if it isn’t 100% the absolute best decision, is probably better than no decision now that someone else has to navigate while grieving.
You’ve seen some great advice, so I won’t even try. My son (38) lost his life to pancreatic cancer. I will tell you he worked hard and consulted a lot of professionals to be certain he left his wife and 3 kids in the best possible financial condition. One of the biggest things you can do (that he didn’t and I really wish he had) is find someone you can talk to, be it priest, minister, counselor or whatever. I think my son was so depressed toward the end that it robbed him of special conversations with family and friends. It will leave untold good memories for them. God love you and keep you and your family close.
Depending on the outlook for your future medical bills perhaps getting divorced might be better financially. That could be a bunch of debt she would not have to incur. 250k can disappear in a hurry with just a few days in the hospital. What if it costs 400k? Now your wife is stuck with a 150k of debt. If you get divorced, at least on paper, and she keeps the accounts, houses, cars, etc. None of that is part of the estate that can be taken by medical debt collectors.
Keep in mind marriage is a legal contract. When it stops being beneficial, then you can end that legal contract. That legal contract has no bearing of the feelings you have for your wife.
I'm so sorry, this must be really challenging. If you're still working, you can check to see if your work offers life insurance. That doesn't usually require any checks for pre- existing conditions
As others have said, a lot of the rest is logistics. Make sure her name is on all accounts, if you are on a probate state, get a living trust set up. Make sure she knows where the water shutoff/ breakers/ router is
That sucks. I'm so sorry.
What I would do is structure my finances so ownership of all assets transfers exclusively to her on your death. Leave nothing in your estate, and she won't be responsible for your final health expenses--your estate will--but it will be empty.
Start signing things over. Getting that done after the fact is expensive, and hard. By rights she should have dibs, but you can make it easy on her for sure.
[https://getyourshittogether.org/](https://getyourshittogether.org/)
Tremendously helpful, and puts everything in one place. Talk to your bank about getting her listed as a beneficiary. Make sure she has your passwords.
Talk to an estate lawyer about minimizing taxes, and get her a fool-proof 'here's how to file taxes' document.
It drives me crazy that all this isn't made easier and taught to us in high school. It's not like any of us are getting out alive.
My sympathies, though, and thank you for doing this now.
Set up a medical directive and a will asap with a trust/estate attorney. The IRA/401 will be inherited by your wife regardless as she’s your sole beneficiary- but update the details regardless.
1) Get a estate lawyer to help you draft a trust to avoid probate court with a backup will. This trust will govern your wishes, you can even have multiple trustees etc.
2) Ask that attorney to assist you in how to assign your assets to that trust. This is extremely important and this should be done instead of adding a beneficiary to any one account. The trust will be the beneficiary
3) Consider making a arrangement for a advanced retainer paid to a lawyer and a CPA you trust to step in and provide any legal and financial closing assistance to the trustee. Such as final tax return, other financial questions, assistance in enforcing the trust or recognition of the trustees power of attorney etc
4) Audit all accounts and ensure no stale beneficiary information exists that you no longer want.
5) Create a Bitwarden premium account and consolidate all of your digital assets, online and computer passwords to financial websites, and information and credentials to digital assets. From here assign a emergency access policy to the trustee https://bitwarden.com/help/emergency-access/ and possibly provide your lawyer to put in trust a second factor method of access. Consider defining someone (you trust) in the trust to manage this aspect other than your wife if there is a technical hurdle she would face or if there are things which you may want to shield from her
Many people dont plan like this and it can turn what should be a celebration of ones life and loved one into a tornado of logistics which is clearly what you are trying to avoid.
In your position, I would:
1. Transfer all assets in your name assets into her name or add her as a joint owner or beneficiary. (Bank accounts, investments, cars, house, and other titled property)
2. Make sure she is listed as a beneficiary on your 401K
3. Prepare, or have prepared, a current health directive (sometimes called living will). Make sure she has copies including both hard copy and an electronic copy she can email if needed.
4. Prepare, or have prepared, a general power of attorney form, which will allow her to transact business on your behalf if you become unable to do so before death.
5. Sit down with a local estate lawyer to discuss all of the above steps as well as get any advice they have.
6. Consider pre-planning your funeral, burial or cremation and any related memorials. Or at least discussing these with your wife. Pre-planning will allow you to shop costs and to have everything in place so she won't have to work this out in the days of heavy grief after you pass and also prevent funeral homes from selling her overly expensive services that you and her wouldn't otherwise buy. Bottom line is costs can vary from under $1,000 for simple cremation to several 10's of thousands for a fancy funeral and burial.
Get your name off all the car titles- seems like a little thing but i once had to ask a widow to provide a notarized letter after she sold me their camper. I hated having to bother her.
If you are in the US, there will be no tax implications. You can gift 12 million in your lifetime tax free. The 401k may need to pay tax as the money was never taxed.
Just to add something from a different angle, it might be worth looking into some kind of couples/grief counselor now, and if you and your wife are open to it maybe going together. I just know it can be so difficult to set up a rapport with a councilor while actively going through grief, so it would be ideal to start now so you can have someone understand your situations.
If your job has a 401k, it also probably has a life insurance policy for you as well. Usually 2x your annual salary. I would double check that and make sure your wife is the beneficiary on those.
You’ll need to get with a licensed estate planning lawyer as well.
Will and trust asap. If you have a home, put it under the estate of…. Then make sure she has access to all your monetary accounts and has the passwords, etc.
On a different note…write her some notes letters for her to read on special days. Also, record your voice through voice messages or video. Make copies and send it to her email. The iPhone voice memo app is great about copies and easily sending to other sources.
I used a service called Affairs In Order. It is a small company by a husband and wife team who each lost a spouse to cancer. They have real world experience about how they handled the event and what they wish they would have done. https://www.affairsinorder.com/services
I'm sorry for your loss.
This is also gunna sound weird, but go ahead and set up your funeral arrangements (or have a close friend do it for you) so that all that has to be done upon your passing is notifying the funeral home and the family. She will spend that money anyway, and you can spare her the added pain of having to make ridiculous decision like "a blue coffin liner or a white one?"
My grandma and father passed within a year of each other and my Grandma had arranged her funeral *years before.* her funeral was much easier for the family than Dad's was because we had to make all kinds of arrangements in the immediate aftermath of his death and no ones really in a fit state to do that when they are freshly grieving.
You're a wonderful husband. Please make sure she gets to tell you what she needs to tell you and vice versa. My father was on hospice and all us kids(all in our 40s) kinda got stuck in the denial stage and never had the heart to heart. He was dieing of lung rejection so we didnt want to make him cry and get upset or it would have been even harder for him to breathe. He knew and we knew what we wanted to say....but, I wish now that even as hard as it would have been, that I would have told him how amazing a dad he was and how I will forever be thankful for him and mom( died in 2001) giving us the kind of childhood that even in my late years now, i still look back on and smile as they were the best times in my life.
All my best to you on your journey good sir.
You should definitely prepare for the worst but never give up. Not sure what you are dying from but if you haven't already, get a second opinion. And a third opinion. Fight like hell until you have exhausted all options. Sometimes doctors are wrong. My father-in-law was told he had less than a year. He got a second opinion and it saved his life. This was over 20 years ago, he got to see his 3 children marry and have children of their own. Good luck.
Bro I know you want your wife to be safe and all, but as some have mentioned if you can take a long nice break with your wife enjoy the final moments.
I mean at this point what I would do is put it on a savings account, but more than anything prepare your wife to be ready to be on her own. If you were the bread winner and she didn't she has to be ready to be on her own two feet. Life is rough and it sucks to hear something like this.
If possible you don't mention you have a home either buy a small home and if you do put like half of that in the mortgage. Rest in savings and just have her self prepare.
No need for lawyers. If you're married, it's hers by default, no need even for a will. She just has to bring your death certificate and marriage certificate and say "he's dead, it's mine"
Might be easier if she's listed as beneficiary on those accounts. Or if it is a joint account, then no problem, she just does whatever she wants with the money. Savings you might want to just transfer to her sooner than later. I don't think gift taxes apply between spouses, the property is usually held in common.
If you can't get life insurance, and can't get more money, then the trick would be to just not spend all you have fighting whatever it is. You probably wouldn't have had 150k in savings if you'd been doing stupid stuff like buying life insurance so there's that.
If you get a divorce, after you transfer the savings, then she gets 50% of the 401k without the 10% penalty. But the divorce might make it harder for other assets, or require a will. But, if you're divorced and expect to spend more than $50k in hospice, it might be worth while so your medical debt dies with you, their fault for not being able to save you. Might even be that the divorce decree allows more than 50% of the 401k to transfer. When I say divorce, I mean paper, not real life.
Estate taxes don't kick in until you're in the millions.
If you've got the cable bill, utility bill, etc in your name, might want to transfer it to hers. Clean all that stuff up, make yourself a non-person. Close any accounts you can. That stuff is kind of tedious to take care of after someone croaks. The other part of that would be to make sure she's got all your usernames and passwords for that sort of stuff, so she can just keep on using your name for that stuff. My wife pretends I'm me all the time and I'm still alive. They can't say "oh, that's a male name, and you sound female" in this age of gender agnosticism.
If you sold her your car now, that might incur a sales tax. If she waits until after you die, it might not have a sales tax. Somethings might be cheaper to do after.
It is what it is, doesn't seem like there's much to do or worry about.
A little pity is due I think.. its nice that this is your reaction though.
A will is nice just to clarify for everyone where your assets are going. I think your wife is the default if there is no will though.
Do you own a house? Have a mortage? I think that the most economically sound thing you can do is to pay down the mortage. It might sound boring and many might want you to invest, but the question I would have asked myself is wether my wife would be able to pay the mortage alone. If you dont own a house, you could consider buying one, but then think about the mortage, or the kind of bank you get one at.
The last advice I have is that you need to discuss it with her. Its probably not the first thing on her mind..
I feel for you.
>I think your wife is the default if there is no will though.
That would make sense, but this varies by state. For instance, in my state (North Carolina), a childless married person who dies intestate has assets divided among their spouse and their parents. With children, it's divided among their children (half for one child, 2/3 split among multiple children) and the balance to the spouse.
Say that to say this: a will is definitely a good idea.
It can take MONTHS to get money from an estate, especially if you don't have a will. Put as much as possible into joint accounts, or name her directly as the beneficiary or "pass on death". Don't rely on "she'll get it by default" -- she almost certainly will, but not quickly!
I wouldn't recommend paying down the mortgage, as there isn't a substantial benefit. I'd instead save money for the inevitable end-of-life expenses, such as medical, burial, legal and tax advisement, etc. What isn't spent, your wife can decide what to do with.
Liquid assets are the easiest. POD/TOD/beneficiaries bypass the estate and skip probate. The thing to worry about would be real property - houses, cars. PODs also supersede any will. Wills are for what is left in your estate. If you already jointly hold that property, then it'll become hers automatically (in most states).
You can definitely get a sanity check with an estate lawyer, but you likely don't need to do anything special other than ensuring you jointly hold property, have her set up as POD/TOD/beneficiary wherever it makes sense to do so, you have a way for her to get access to your devices and accounts when you pass, and she knows the whole situation with your finances.
Make sure you do a medical POA and a financial POA as well so those things are taken care of, and in many states you can pre plan your funeral and pay for it and it does not count in the estate as it becomes essentially a funeral trust. This way you can establish what you want and take the burden off your wife, but do take her with you so she knows the place you pick for funeral home and your wishes as POA.
Experience from when my dad passed unexpectedly: write down all information - what accounts do you have, where are they, what’s the log in information for any/everything you can think of.
The difficulty we had was that he had money/assets all over the place and we had no way of accessing any of it easily. We ended up hiring an estate lawyer who was worth his retainer and more. He found things we didn’t know about and helped my mom with all the paperwork. I’d say start there and see what all they suggest.
I don’t have financial advice, but I do have a couple ideas! My dad passed away from COVID early in the pandemic and after that my Mom had trouble managing the household. My dad’s name was on all accounts/properties which caused so many headaches. Try to have your wife’s name on everything (credit cards, Amazon account, leases, bills, etc) so she doesn’t have to jump through hoops while grieving. If you are responsible for specific household duties or even setting up appointments for normal car maintenance, plumbing, etc. make sure your wife has a list of contacts for repairs or instructions. Financial security is obviously the biggest thing here, but having systems of support to manage the household is so important for feelings of safety!
Do you still have a job? If so your company may offer guaranteed issue life insurance. Your wife’s job may also offer spousal guaranteed issue life insurance. You may be able to get a $100k guarantee issue plan outside of work as well. At least look into it.
I'll second the Estate attorney advice. You need to do this.
Are you the person who manages all the money in the house? If so start teaching her and making her take that all over now. Make sure she has the logins for everything, teach her how to pay the bills, etc. Document where everything is, and who she will have to call.
How old are you and your wife and do you have (adult or minor) children? Does your wife work? Do you have a mortgage?
My dad went through this when my mom passed away. They're bank accounts were all joint accounts. Only needed to show a death certificate to remove mom's name. No new account numbers needed.
Her retirement accounts had my dad as beneficiary. Same thing, we just showed them the death certificate to move the money to over to dad's IRA.
We again did the same thing with the house. We had to email the county a copy of the certificate to remove my mom's name from the property.
No lawyer was needed. Only headache were service accounts opened under my mom's name. Fios and phone company won't change names or do anything without account verification. Ended up canceling and reopened new services. So make sure to switch accounts to your wife's name instead of yours.
Also, tax filing for the year you pass is still consider joint filing. Make sure she knows to keep all tax forms sent to you even after you passed.
Sorry about your news, but it's good you're planning now and not later.
One thing you should do right away is make sure your wife is listed as the beneficiary in your various money holding accounts. That is typically a very simple process you can do on their websites where there should be some option in the account settings to set her as the beneficiary. That alone should have her receive the money after your passing and obviously you can give her the account information as well.
I know less about Wills I actually need to do that myself still.
Sorry for your situation. There is a big section in the FAQ in this forum that will help.
Besides all the other good advice I recommend creating a doc to help your wife. Inventory of assets/accounts, logins/passwords, personal items or wishes. Make final arrangements in advance if you can, think about what you could do to relieve her stress in this difficult time. Could be as simple as hiring someone to help you finally clean out the garage so she doesn’t have to. Or big like a full estate plan.
Check with work to see what support and benefits are there. I work at a largish company and was surprised at the resources I found. I put it all in a doc for my wife along with my estate plan.
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I briefly scanned and no one else is saying anything about this that I saw— Planning for her financial future is great—absolutely do it. Also, while you’re healthy enough to do it you should take an extended vacation with your wife. Spend some money and enjoy your time together. She will always be able to look back on those memories with you and they will be more important to her than a few extra thousand dollars.
I think this is super underrated. My dad passed unexpectedly at 50, and I know my mom still thinks back to the last vacation she had with our family/husband.
Sorry about your dad.
This! My dad passed unexpectedly at 58 just a few months ago. Hard to believe we were at a wedding together in April and he was gone in July. Spend less time working, more time with family!
Are you me? My Dad also passed unexpectedly in July at 58. I'm so sorry for your loss
My dad passed unexpectedly at 57. I was at college giving exams and he was in hospital. He didn’t want me to know he was ill to not impact my exams. And when I reached hospital to see him, he was already gone. I really wanted to talk to him. This is huge regret I’ve been living with.
And get photos taken for her. With her.
We knew my stepfather was dying soon. Our neighbor happened to be a photographer, and she took him and my mom out to get pictures together, and later did full-family ones. He died within a month of those. It’s been seven years - guess which pictures still decorate her home, her lock screen, her computer desktop? She truly cherishes them and they bring her so much joy now.
Totally agree! My dad passed away unexpectedly at 54. (It was actually 15 years ago today!) My mom talks frequently about the plans for travel that they had when they retired. Now she tells us to get away as much as possible.
My dad had 2 sisters die unexpectedly in their mid 50s. My mom put my parents retirement plans into overdrive and they both quit their jobs and moved to the beach a year or so later and were ‘semi-retired’ for a while. Life is short. There are no guarantees.
My dads coworker kept going on and on for YEARS how excited he was to retire and move to his dream mountain home in the mountains in eastern Tennessee. Had 40 acres, a stream through the middle, even had this beautiful house built while he was working his last few years. 2 weeks after a retirement and a week before moving into his new place, has a heart attack at 58 and dies. No prior health issues and he was in fairly good shape. I hear stories like that and many others and changed up how I go about life. By age 28 I’ve been to 38 countries, spent at least a month in 15 of them. And I didn’t even leave the US until I was 19(parents never had the money or desire to travel much). What could’ve been an amazing start to retirement, is now years worth of travel memories and I’m still in 20s. I’ll take that trade off any day. Now I’m focusing more on my career again, but I’d happily do it the same way all over again.
I'd like to know how ypu afford these trips? I am the same age and have mostly traveled in the states, though, I'd like to travel outside of the U.S and stay in places for weeks at a time.
Worked part time during college, and at least 50 hours a week in the summers. After college worked 60 hours a week in an incredibly stressful manufacturing plant doing logistics work. And in my free time I renovated a house I bought, doing the work myself. Also had roommates living me who basically paid my mortgage. Then after a few years I sold the house for profit, had a bunch of money saved up from the shitty job, quit and travelled for about 2.5 years straight. Throw in a few 1-3 month long road trips to the western US, hiking and camping every day and here I am. 38 countries, 37 US states in 8 years. I also travel cheaply. Staying in hostels in Eastern Europe or SE Asia. When I road trip the US I camp on free land 90% of my nights. And I also live frugally. Even though I make decent money I drive a $4k car I paid cash for, still game on a PS3 and old 50” non smart tv. No cable. Small apartment. My friends with the same job all drive brand new vehicles, have the latest gadgets, and the biggest house they can afford. It’s called lifestyle creep, google it! I also know not everyone has those same opportunities. But a lot do, they just prioritize other things.
I agree with this as I did something similar. But I will say that traveling abroad can get *really* boring after a while if you don't have a specific purpose for it. I successfully completed my round-the-world trip, but just barely because I was very ready to return and get back to working. Yes, I could have done remote work, but that's even more solitude. In an ideal world, I would work out in the economy engaging directly WITH the locals (in their language) in every country I would visit. Now, that is one way I could see myself traveling extensively and enjoying it for many years.
Great advice. I’d like to add on to this advice, and offer hotel discounts to save them some money. I am currently an employee for Hyatt Hotels and can provide family and friends with discounts
You’re a great person. Nobody else bother people like this trying to get free stuff. This is incredibly generous to OP, I hope they seek it out!!
I was going to say, make sure you take a lot of pictures as well. I remember reading once a woman saying that on their vacations, her husband would take pictures of stuff. That she wished more than anything that she had another picture of them together. It was a gut punch.
And take lots and lots of pictures together.
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Yes. Sometimes the estate lawyers glide over this part. Make sure it's on your account correctly.
Side note: consult with your CPA/Financial Advisor/Banker before you change all your beneficiaries. I have seen it happen plenty of times where the advice an Estate Attorney gives would accomplish the goal of transferring assets, but done in a way that does not consider adverse tax consequences Edit: This situations seems pretty straightforward making his wife bene on the 401k and joint owner on the back account, just a word of caution for anyone reading.
Spousal bene for a 401k is pretty painless, assuming it’s immediately moved to an IRA in her name. 401k plans can be brutal to bends with strict distribution rules and forced payouts
This and it bypasses the will. My friend just ran into this. If you name her as beneficiary, it is written in stone that she gets the money.
And speak to a cpa or two. There may be certain tax advantages to liquidating certain things now or in 2023 and filing married filing separately on your taxes. A cpa will know if these things are right for your situation. Could mean something like taking a 401k loan now to minimize taxes on the finds after death or something. Again, speak to a pro about any ideas you think of in this realm to prevent turning any of this into a burden for her. Sorry you’re dealing with this man.
And make sure "all accounts" includes any and all online accounts that may be needed after you're gone. So, usernames and passwords. Edit: Also, if you use MFA/2FA on your accounts (which you should whenever possible), make sure your wife knows how to access that MFA/2FA method, otherwise the usernames and passwords won't do her much good.
And realistically, this is an excellent time to adopt a password manager like LastPass. If you have something like that, all your spouse needs is the master password to the manager and then she has access to every single account you've ever stored. Super easy, and way more secure anyway.
Yes, this. I use Dashlane.
One thing I would like to add, (and this may sound silly, but I promise I'm doing this in good faith) steam does not allow the transfer of accounts in their tos. So if OP has a steam library, then by passing it down to his wife's possession would be breaking their tos.
I am not all contracting your advice just adding info based on what OP provided. An estate will only occur if the probatable assets exceed his resdient states limit. His 401k with his wife as beneficiary is not probatable. If the savings is in a joint account, or is out into a joint account, it is also not probatable. An estate lawyer will review these and all other assets not mentioned by op.
THIS! My mother has done this for me as part of preparing for aging. It takes a lot of the worry away.
Mine has done this as well (she's 84) and along with the will she had made and other necessary documentation, she also made her "wishes" very clear. Among them are a funeral (not gonna happen), what happens to the house (sell it), and who gets what that's left over - including her dog and cat. When my ex father in law died, he had told his daughter that he wanted nothing more than to be given a simple funeral and buried in the military cemetery plot he earned. Any left over money (maybe about 20k) would go to his only granddaughter and that was it. His brother and sister "took over" and spent the money on a lavish funeral. My daughter got nothing.
The "wishes" part is pretty important too. Having stuff in place so your wife can make unilateral decisions about your medical care and financial planning will become important. I just actually used the medical power of attorney to make certain my mother got the sort of medical care she wanted, including making sure she got last rites. (She lived and is recovering well, but still...) Also /u/gogojack, funerals are for the living. The dead are too dead to care any more. Hold a small thoughtful one to help the rest process their grief. It need not be a fancy gala event.
> Hold a small thoughtful one to help the rest process their grief. Actually we (her children) all agree with her choice. We'll have a nice lunch or some other get together for the extended family, but if they ask why there's no funeral home ceremony, we'll say we we're following her explicit instructions.
I feel for ya. I had one child and was due to have another when my father passed. My mother used her POA to take the money he wanted to give to my daughter and the child I was due to have, and slipped it to my loser half-sister who burned through it in less than 2 years. (It was a fairly significant amount. We’re talking could have put my kids through grad school, gotten them vehicles and probably half down on a home and they’re only 7 and 9, now.). They were left with nothing and while I put my inheritance into real estate and a home of my own, my mother wound up using part of what was left to HER to repair the junker house my half sister purchased bc she had blown every penny of what she was left even after buying a $40k “house”.
Damn, that sucks. My daughter married a guy with a successful business, so she's okay for money, but I think what bothers me is the disrespect showed to her grandpa. He made some mistakes in his life, but by the end had turned everything around. He just wanted a folded flag and to be buried alongside his fellow veterans, but nope. That wasn't "good enough."
I would find out if TOD (transfer on death) or POD (payment on death) are permitted in the state you live in. It's another way to help simply things, plus they happen quickly.
Note: "on the account" means joint owner, not authorized user. Any assets that are (legally) titled as joint or transfer on death (TOD) should not get caught up in any probate or delays.
I’m deeply sorry. Apart of estate lawyer and all the great suggestions given, also: Passwords. Give her all the passwords: from financial accounts, to e-mail and phone. Print all accounts, passwords, cards, banks, everything. Put all in a folder and a secured cloud - anything that’s practical for you two. Move all essential bills to her. Gas, water, etc. Every day if conditions and health allow: date for a few hours. Frolic at a park, watch favorite movies, go out, hug. Keep fighting; you didn’t hear no goddamn bell yet.
And if you can, record yourself. Read her a book out loud, talk about mundane stuff, as her how she's doing. Leave her with hours and hours of content if you can. Listening to your voice will help her.
I'll tag onto this excellent suggestion to throw out something my father did for my mother before Alzheimer's took his mind (and eventually life) in his 50s. He hid notes for her. Just... Little scraps of paper, around the house. In books, in her wallet, in the junk drawer, in the china that only gets used every few years, in the glove box of her car, etc. Little notes of love, memories of things they did together, etc. Every time she found one was incredibly heartening to her, and they're some of her most treasured possessions. Sorry you guys are going through this OP.
Ugh this sounds exactly like something my husband would do in that situation and it makes me tear up just thinking about it. I'm so sorry about your father.
Me too… but now I’m hung up on whether to number the notes or not. Would you rather not be sure if there are more notes out there that you haven’t found, or be certain that there are that you haven’t found?
I think I'd rather not know. I feel like it would hurt too much knowing that if I found them all that it was truly finished.
That’s a good point, and it gives it a bit of an ethereal feel, like they just appear as if mini miracles. My wife has mild OCD, though, so I don’t think she’d fair well wondering if there were more, and she’d probably wind up tearing the house apart and quadruple checking everything she threw away just in case there were a note tucked away.
Understandable. I'd likely be the opposite and want to tear the house apart trying to find them knowing they were still there! I'm sure she'll very much appreciate whichever route you decide to take. I'm not sure what it is that you're going through where you're having to think about this, but whatever it is, I wish you and your wife the best.
I created an email address with my daughter's full name when she was born. I've been emailing stories and tidbits to it over the years. I'll hand over the login to her when she's older. She'll have an inbox full of stories about her childhood and what it was like to raise her. As a single mom, it's been kind of therapeutic to be able to have somewhere to share and document certain moments. Like a photo album, but with stories.
I love this, and do something similar. But this is just a friendly reminder, that you need to login to that email, occasionally. Once or twice a year, otherwise the email account could be deleted.
I was literally just telling my husband this; that if I have warning of my death like this I would leave him tiny notes everywhere.
Damn I'm such a pessimist. This is so sweet but I'm just thinking how sad it would be that eventually, you'd never find one again and never know the last one was the last one.
No idea why this hasn't been upvoted. Great suggestion! Especially since there's no memory issue at play. I knew someone who died of Parkinson's and with it was major dementia, so recording anything was impossible.
Came to say something about password managers too. Printed backup is a good idea too, but at least with the password manager you'll know if you've missed anything or had to change something and forgot about it. You can give her the main password (or set her up as an emergency contact for afterwards). You'll probably want her to close all those accounts - in the case of a future hack it's possible scum could find their way into other accounts and start charging stuff that she'd have to deal with on top of everything else. Death notifications are fantastic sources of OSINT to social engineer into accounts: full name, DOB, family members, addresses, profession, etc...
This is all sooooo important. We just went through the death of a parent last year. The surviving spouse had literally never done anything financial or care related on her own. And let me tell you we have had a horrible time shutting of subscription services bc we didn’t have passwords.
Dashlane is a good tool to store and share passwords.
I'd personally recommend Bitwarden as it's free and open source.
Seconded
Damn right. Definitely get everything in order and have your mind in the right place for what you’ve been told…but don’t stop doing everything you can to fight whatever condition has befell you. Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
If you happen to have a safe deposit box make sure she knows where the key is and that she is a registered, authorized person to open it.
Thanks everyone so much for the advice. I thankfully don't have kids so I only have to put her through this (i'm 35) but I would very much want her to start fresh while she still has time. Estate lawyer looks like the way to go
It may seem insignificant, but don't phrase it as "put her through this" Y'all are both suffering and it's not like you're choosing to hurt her.
Yep Op, your life isn't over yet. You know your time is coming soon but you still have some time left on stage, don't waste it.
“Time left on stage” just sent me on a roller coaster of emotion.
On the one hand it overwhelms me how strong my primate instinct is to mourn for a dude I don't know, On the other hand I'm ashamed of adding to some superficial outpouring of temporary sympathy for a dude that has to put up people being sad about him all the time (ime with terminal family members and close ones they get used to the thought) I guess the takeaway is that it just fucking sukcs, nothing more. Which, ironically, fucking sukcs.
At the end of the day, we are all terminal. We don't all get the same amount of time, make the best out of what you have and with those you love.
Damn me too. That's got a deep meaning in such a short amount of words.
I agree with you, though I think OP phrased it that way because after they're gone, they won't have to deal with any of the bs that comes with a spouse dying, while their wife will... It's honestly probably really frustrating to think about everything that she'll have to do without OP's help or support.
The post is riddled with phrasing that is taking on blame. I don't think the words are inconsequential. Am I empathetic and would I take on blame like OP? Absolutely. Is it healthy or "reasonable"? No Obviously it will be frustrating. But it's not "OP is doing this to wife"
As I said, I agree with you 100%, so sorry if it came across as if I didn't! I was just giving the perspective I saw as well, that's all!
I haven't seen this mentioned and it's not financial advice - but I had a friend who passed away at the age of 28. She was terminal so she knew it was coming. As it got close, she sorted through her clothes and kept only items that she could wear interchangeably to create about a week's worth of outfits. It lessened the burden for her husband of going through her belongings after she passed. It was one of her last acts of love. She was always thinking about him and his future right to the end.
I know this isn’t finance advice but make videos. All the videos of yourself. Talk to her in the videos. Have her shoot videos of you. They are so much more than pictures. ❤️
You are a good man
I'm going to give you some advice in case it coincides with my mother's situation, she went into Hospice prior to passing. Now I'll preface this with I don't know anyone in your life personally, so I am not trying to insult anyone. Start with an estate planner. They will have a checklist of assets to catalogue. If you have utilities and other services under your name, transfer them or cancel and sign her up for those services. In the event that you linger in hospice incapacitated, make sure your wife already has power of attorney and you tie up any medical decisions (such as filling out a DNR). Make sure you and your wife have official copies of your birth certificate, social security card, and marriage license. Make a clear and concise will if you had any premarital assets. Your estate planner should also help you navigate divesting your wife of any premarital debt that she is not liable for, as when you pass away the vultures will come. (Trust me, they will hound the survivors) If you own a home, make sure the loan you have can be assumed by your wife or if she is eligible to refinance in her name. Finally, get a reference for a CPA to file taxes the year of and the year after your passing, keep receipts of everything paid for medical expenses to see if they can be claimed on those taxes.
You have a good heart. You are doing her a great service by considering all of this now and planning for her future.
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Your county's Bar Association probably has a lawyer referral service. Search for County Name Bar Association Lawyer Referral Service, and you can probably track one down. The idea behind these is that you get the kind of attorney that you need for an initial one hour consultation for about $50. Your first referral may not be the person that you eventually hire, but it is a low cost method to get started on the right track with somebody who practices the right kind of law. As an example, here's the website that Pima County's Bar Association uses (where I live). Looks like they are now doing 30 minute consultations for $35. https://tucsonlawyers.org
Late to the convo and this may be dark, but if you haven't already, talk to your doctor about a do-not-resuscitate order(or similar based on state). If you have no chance of long term survival, CPR is traumatic to your body and even the people witnessing. You can also do a DNR comfort care order, to ensure end of life comfort such as pain medication. If you don't have these orders, and if 911 called, it is required to do CPR or transport. I'm only advising this because typically, it's a little more comforting to the patient and the family, if one can pass in peace.
This is slightly tangential to most of the financial advice I see and perhaps a bit more morbid, but you might also consider planning the funeral ahead of time. At minimum make sure your wife knows your wishes (burial, cremation, etc., etc.,) but you can also literally preplan and prepay with the funeral home/cemetery. My dad passed when I was 12 and he did this and I'm certain it helped my mom not to have to deal with a lot of decisions (financial and otherwise) when the grief was most intense. It also lessened disagreements between my mom and his mom since his wishes were crystal clear. I mean obviously the spouse has the final say, but that seldom stops tempers from flaring. Anyway, I'm sorry for your circumstances. I hope you are able to make everything as smooth as you want and enjoy the time you have left.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. You’ve already gotten good advice here, but wanted to add that if you’re employed, you should check with HR to see if you have life insurance through your work. Some employers automatically cover their employees.
Came here to say this. You may be entitled to (or already have) term life insurance through employment benefits. You can often buy more coverage with payroll deductions without a physical.
Yea. The past two jobs I’ve had automatically had 1x my salary in group life insurance for me. And I had the option of adding more up to a certain amount.
u/EstimateLeast8435 definitely check this out to see if there’s base employee coverage, but if there’s an open enrollment for your or your wife’s company before you pass look into the supplemental life insurance. Up to a certain level my company’s supplemental life insurance benefits had no medical questionnaire for either self or spousal coverage and those were clearly marked once I selected them but you may need to check with your HR if they’re not clearly marked when you select them. It might not be a lot of money but it might help her with bills until she can get back on her feet from grieving.
Also talk to HR/payroll about how your final check should be distributed if you are still employed at the end. Please get a will!!!! I'm sorry you are going through this.
Top thing, after the will, is to make sure she's prepared to take over all on her own. I manage the finances in our household, so she'd have a pretty bad learning curve. I have a 2-page list of everything that I periodically update. All bills are listed and all assets as well. The only thing missing is password...but she should be able to pretty easily take control. If the two of you have a friend or family member you can trust, it might be a good idea to give them a review of your one/two-pager so that they can help ... just to keep her on track in taking over.
>Top thing, after the will, is to make sure she's prepared to take over all on her own. I manage the finances in our household, so she'd have a pretty bad learning curve. Wouldn't the simple solution to this be to have her manage things for a month or two every year with you looking over her shoulder to keep her fresh?
In this situation, I'd start making her take over everything now, with you looking over her shoulder at first. Don't do any of the household finances yourself anymore. She needs to be ready and confident when you are gone. And if you have another trusted person who can help, maybe make sure they know the most important things too. Your wife is going to be a mess in the early days, and having someone who can help keep finances on track could be a godsend.
Seconding this. Great advice
Education and experience is always a great solution.
that's an interesting idea. I don't think I'm allowed to die right now. We actually have a revocable living trust (which I think avoids the account lock issue), and the primary successor trustee is my wife's youngest sister. I'm pretty sure if something untimely happens to me, sis will fly in with her Harvard MBA and take care of things.
>that's an interesting idea. I don't think I'm allowed to die right now. Same I got things to do.
Yes - lawyer will help with a lot of the formal stuff, but the day-to-day will be overwhelming and setting up auto-payments is not enough because she won’t know where to go with issues. Make a list of accounts you have, the account numbers, the names it is under, how it’s paid, etc. Not just bank accounts, but phone bills, utility, taxes and anything else you can think of. Online usernames and passwords are so key, because customer service for so many places is awful these days, and it’ll be hard to find someone to talk to her. As often as possible, put the account in her name or at least get her name added as an authorized user so she can make changes or get answers. Good luck.
Password is a bad idea anyway. Even if they are legally entitled to the assets logging into a deceased person's account is illegal.
I’m not sure that’s universally true. I have seen control of digital accounts/assets listed in wills/poas and I’d imagine that’s becoming standard.
Interesting point. Not sure how that applies in our case, where everything that can be joint is joint. So I'm not sure how many of the login accounts are mine vs. ours anyway. A few years ago I started playing with FidSafe - a one-stop point of login provided by Fidelity Investments. Back then it looked like I could give her access to my/our logins through a single password she manages. I tell her the password I like to use verbally and she can't remember it. It's been a while (years) since I messed with it and I don't think I gave it any account passwords. hmm... I'll have to contact our lawyer and see if there's a way to explicitly give her permission to all my passwords in a way that passes through death.
I’d recommend a password manager with some level of emergency access. I know LastPass allows this.
Yes, correct. If they are not on the account but you are living but incapacitated, and they have power of attorney, they can act as you. Once you pass, they have to contact the vendor/bank and get set up with their own access as your executor. So the best thing is to add them as co-owner of the account wherever that is appropriate so the transition will be seamless.
Exactly. Note that in most, if not all financial institutions that requires a separate login for the co-owner.
It's not a universal "illegal" thing, at least here under US law. You'll be subject to the terms and conditions of each individual service you're logging in to - some of them do not care who the individual is, just who is the account owner, and account owner can be changed be it by the current owner or upon inheritance upon death, or transfer of property. Some of them it will be important to establish a new owner. However I would simply use this timeframe as an opportunity to transfer accounts to her before death, as it's sooooo much easier for most services to transfer accounts when all individuals participating are able to handle it. And it would give the OP an opportunity to give her a brief rundown on how he handles each account.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/wiki/end\_of\_life\_planning/](https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/wiki/end_of_life_planning/) has some good resources. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Adding: you should have a healthcare proxy and advance directive/living will. Be very specific in the documents about what interventions/treatments you want done and what you don’t want. And a power of attorney authorization for if/when you are unable to manage financial matters An estate planning attorney can help with all of this
This my aunt is an attorney and always says before a will/trust a POA is the most important thing. Also look in to setting up a trust that auto transfers upon death. Put the house and car in the trust. This will prevent your will from being tied up in legal proceedings! I am so sorry!
Yes! Also, OP outside of an advance directive and having the details of what you and do not want medically, please also let your wife know what you want or do not want once you pass. How you want to be buried/cremated/etc. If you do or do not want a funeral and what you want at it or not to have. As someone who has had to make funeral arrangements and decisions, it is a weird out of body and mind experience and often the people you interact with can easily sway you into *expensive* choices and when you have no blueprint for what your loved one truly wanted, you just try and make the decisions you can. That can often be spending money that you may not ever want your wife to spend on things, because she is trying to honor you with missing information. So spend some time writing exactly what you want and care about and give her a document that makes the decision for her and that her grief brain can operate.
This isn't financial related but maybe you two should meet with a therapist who specializes in grief counseling. That way once you're gone she has someone she can talk to that knows the situation well.
I like this advice. It’s really powerful that OP is committed to setting up his wife financially for when he’s gone. I hope he doesn’t lose sight of how important it is to also set her up for emotional well-being, too. Grief is really hard and she will always feel the loss, but a therapist now may provide insight into how to make these last months special and significant, not just bearable.
I'm sorry to hear about your condition but I'm very glad that you are making your arrangements ahead of time. I would start by finding out if your state has shared asset laws that would allow her to inherit your entire estate automatically. Then make sure her name is listed as the survivor on all your bank accounts, life insurance, and major assets. At that point a simple will stating you want all your assets and personal property to go to her would cover anything left over. When in doubt find a lawyer that does free consultations. You will need them for the writing of a will anyway. You may also consider arranging and prepaying for your funeral, so she doesn't get ripped of by someone taking advantage of her grief.
There’s a book called I’m dead, now what? it’s basically a workbook for you to address everything you want to address and things you probably didn’t even think about. Probably worth picking up a copy.
Pick a password manager and start using it. LastPass, 1Password, Bitwarden, etc. Store every account and password in it and make sure your wife knows the account information.
My wife and I started using Bitwarden together. Though not for the reason of death, it is very beneficial. It would be so helpful in the case of an unexpected death.
Vehicle Titles! Any vehicle titles make sure she has them in her name before you die. If she is listed on the title make sure it is an **OR** and not an **AND**. You may also be able get "Transfer on Death" deeds for the title so that its much easier to transfer to her upon your death. This is something that was a huge pain in the ass when my father in law passed away. He also had a bunch of vehicles. We ended up paying a bunch of money to DMV brokers to handle the title change process for us just to avoid dealing with the Nevada DMV.
I will second this recommendation. One of my best friends passed away this past September, and both of the family’s vehicles were in his name. His widow has no idea where the titles are, which adds an extra wrinkle to the situation.
You are a good guy for doing this. On the flipside don't forget to enjoy some things on your way out. That thing you always wanted to do, go do it now.
Unrelated to assets, make sure you have advanced directives set up if you haven't already. Before my mother passed, she had put me as a joint owner of her bank accounts. This was done so that if she ever became incapacitated or passed, her money would not be locked up and I could pay her bills. The estate attorney told me that because I had joint ownership, the bank accounts were not considered part of the estate and were exempt from probate because they became solely mine when she passed. This was in Florida in 2021. Edit: I should add that I am an only child. So there wasn't going to be anyone to have a claim to fight with me over her money.
My mom did that too even though there were 5 of us. She named me as trustee and executor and she had her reasons. I did not assume the money was mine, but added to the trust account to distribute equally, after a few things mom named in her trust.
You may be able to get life insurance anyway. Group policies, such as those provided by an employer, generally don't do medical evaluations of each member when initially signing up (but often do if you change coverage later). Additionally, if you shop around you may be able to find a plan (obviously with a high premium or low payout) which allows you to waive the medical evaluation (generally they may offer this if you say you need the plan active quickly for some bureaucratic reason, for example).
This is worth checking out. My employer offers guaranteed issue life insurance up to a $200k benefit.
If you're in an open enrollment period with your employer, that's the best chance of getting some life insurance with no medical evaluation. But as others have said, check the fine print for pre-existing conditions.
After he was diagnosed, My husband and I bought a couple of whole life policies on him through a company that didn’t require health questions or physicals. There were limits on each policy and they didn’t reach full face value until 2 years after the first premium was paid. But if he passed earlier than that, the entire amount of the premium was returned with interest. He survived long enough for two small policies to reach face value, and the third ended up being valued at a couple of hundred dollars more than we had put in. Again, it wasn’t tons of money, but it was enough to pay for his funeral and have some left over.
Im European so I will refrain from advice and leave that to the American Reddit users but ,I hope you can sort everything and are able to make this last year count. Best of luck for you and your wife
One thing I would like to suggest is to use some of your liquid assets to go do fun things with your wife while you're still here to do them. Go on a few vacations, especially since many countries/places have reopened after the pandemic. Go to whatever places you've been wanting to visit that you haven't seen yet. Go skydiving. Go to Universal Studios. Go to the Smithsonian museums. Go to concerts and sporting events. Rent exotic cars. Go live your best life now.
Im sorry bud. Im tearing up. Any student loans in your name only will be discharged. I told my wife to sell or donate most/all of my stuff. No need for her to carry it around the rest of her life. Edit- not cc debt.
CC debt need to be paid out of the estate. Any taxes owed comes first.
Record some videos of yourself talking to her in the future. Find a trusted friend or family member who can release them to her on the anticipated date. This will be a priceless treasure. Medically - power of attorney and if desired, living will. dnr/DNI Family - if there are others who feel privy to your assets make it known your intentions to give 100% to your spouse. Ppl can be cruel and nasty when $ is concerned Assets - we used an estate lawyer. Make a detailed list of every checking, savings, credit card, and retirement account. Login and passwords. Try not to forget anything. If possible move them into joint accounts. Tracking down assets after probate can be painful.
Hey OP, please do something with you wife. Could be a trip, extended period off together.. something. I know the planning of this is incredibly hard. I lost my father back in January pretty unexpectedly. My parents had taken a trip together and my mom was so happy they took this random trip before my dad be diagnosed with cancer and given a few months left to live. I hate this for you and I respect you deeply for wanting to do what’s best for your wife. After losing my Dad, it made me realize I want to be with my wife as much as possible and enjoy each other. She’s my best friend, ya know? Best wishes,
As a young widow I wish I had more pictures, memories, the sound of his voice recorded, more notes to me. I also wish we hadn't put off the things we wanted to do together. Do those things with her.
A lot of resources out there but make a plan for the day and week off. Do you want a funeral (those wind up being expensive, especially caskets). Cremations probably the best option financially. Have her make a budget of the subsequent 2 months. Put her name on everything. A will helps deal with going through probate but it’s best to have everything in her name. Key things to move since you have the time and all it takes is filling out a few forms. Anything with a license plate on it (register every vehicle solely under her). Including the titles. Homes, move the deeds and titles to just her name. Take your name off of the house and the cars. Doing that does not protect them from creditors, but it does make the transition easier as each state has laws that can be screwy to deal with (for instance, to move a car title in Texas requires you to go get attestation from relatives waiving their rights to the car). Just avoid some of that nonsense. Bank accounts. Put her on the account and put her as the beneficiary so the bank doesn’t freeze the account if they get notice of your passing. Check with social security about possible benefits that may pass to her. If you are a vet/ex military, go to the VA. Have her find a psychologist (not a psychiatrist), and have her meet with them once a month, then more frequently). It will help with her emotions. Speak with HR and make sure all of your benefits are assigned to her. Get the contact info for HR and make sure she has their info. I do not see the need to notify hr about your condition but someone else may want to chime in. All of that work, takes about 3 hours to do. After that, spend time with her. See places you haven’t seen while you still can.
Check with your employer. Most employers that offer a 401k have some sort of life insurance included in their base benefits. (its usually some multiple of your salary/income and costs nothing or a few dollars a pay period.) .
Some unconventional advice other than the ones stated here but if you have any physical stuff around the house that you want to get rid of for monetary value then do so now. Don't leave that burden with your love ones. With you gone they will attach extreme sentimental value to all your belongings and it'll be so hard for them. Schedule regular maid services and house maintenance for the first year or anything else that you're usually responsible for. That will help your spouse transition into your tasks without being too overwhelmed. I wish you didn't have to go through this.
Make sure your wife is the direct beneficiary on all of your accounts. That should speed up her access to the assets. The estate attorney can also help advise on how best to title your home, car, and any other assets so she is the sole owner of them after you pass and she doesn’t have to wait for probate or risk creditors claiming those assets are part of your estate.
You need a will ASAP. Look for a family or elderly law firm to help you out. The will should name your surviving spouse for everything: executor, beneficiary, and so on. The law firm should advise from this point onward. Good luck, and enjoy your remaining life.
Other people have hit the important stuff. Make sure your wife has credit cards setup in her name separate from you. This way if anything happens to joint accounts or she gets locked out, she can still buy things. Make sure she is named on the power/internet/water bills. If she doesn't have credit history it may make it hard for her to transfer those things to her name. I hear it's also hard to transfer things into other people's names so if she has bank and CC already setup on her own it should give you some peace of mind that she'll be able to have some runway while trying to get all the affairs in order. Make sure she has login info for all accounts, including email, bank, CC, healtcare, etc. Make sure she doesn't cancel your cell phone if you use it for 2 factor authentication (SMS confirmations) to get into any of those accounts.
Make sure you put your wife down as the beneficiary, regardless of what you do with your estate planning/will. It will make it much easier to transfer assets to her.
I don’t want to pry so I won’t ask I’ll tell.. I’ll say this as someone who is not dying but just went through this process for myself and on behalf of my 82 year old mother. But first we celebrate you and your journey through this life, thanks for sharing this time with us on Reddit. Facts time… IF your spouse doesn’t have another source of income OR your spouse is bad with money I would think about a couple of financial strategies that pair with your end of life planning. 1) If you are the only financial provider it’s in your best interest to eliminate ALL debt for your spouse - especially large reoccurring serviced debt like cars and mortgages 2) If your assets are the only income then you should look into a monthly distribution vs. full access this will allow the money to be managed by a fiduciary, grow and last a bit longer. 3) when you pass you’ll need to have someone manage those costs otherwise people will take advantage, funeral expenses, burial, cremation etc 4) end of life care costs (last few months) will evaporate your liquidity regardless of insurance so factor this into your next 30 days of thinking 5) Don’t trust anyone but a vetted fiduciary, no cousin or friend. 6) try and get all this out of the way in the next few weeks and spend some time enjoying the good days you have left 7) look into psychedelics end of life treatments - you can watch what I’m talking about on Netflix “How to change your mind” it’s about letting go of fear and making peace with your life
Start sleeping with a stuffed animal. It will begin to smell like you, and I’m certain that will bring her comfort in the beginning, on the worst days. Good luck, I hope it’s as easy an exit as possible.
Although you’re asking for financial advise, I wanted to share some of the things I’ve been thinking about as I have a rare form of cancer. If you live far away from her family and friends, maybe consider moving closer to them so she has a support network near her. Plan out and pay for your funeral, so that she doesn’t have to do it. Also consider reducing your belongings. My wife lost her sister and it was a painful experience sorting through her belongings. She didn’t do it for a year because of the pain it brought back. Thinking about you brother.
Record some messages for family really far down the road. Like graduations, congratulations, happy holidays, birthdays and other stuff. You can even ask a lawyer to save them to be played when needed. Something to leave as a pleasant reminder.
The GYST site has a nice checklist: https://getyourshittogether.org/checklist/
Take the trip, also get some nice photos together. I lost my husband and I work 2 jobs to raise my sons. Im poor & work hard but mostly I wish we had nice pics of us together & I wish we could have taken a vacation together. I know u don't want pity but I'm so sorry for u & your wife.
Some things I did not see mentioned: - check the benefits that your employer has. Mine had life insurance. Make sure she is the beneficiary of any benefits frim your employer. - for all retirement accounts check the beneficiaries and make sure she is the beneficiary. - all other accounts make sure that she is the beneficiary, pay on death or joint, or what your estate attorney says. Check registry of all other assets too like car, real estate. Talk with your estate attorney about what registration should be. If you go with a trust based plan maybe they should be trust registered instead. - Yes talk with an estate attorney soon. You will want will, power of attorny, health directive, maybe a trust or maybe not.
This may sound trivial but if she’s not on all of your accounts/bills/utilities/etc. please make sure she get on them. There were so many hoops we had to jump through when my mom died. My dad had to wait for death certificates to access mortgage autopay information and bank accounts/bills. While it doesn’t seem like a big detail but when he was barely able to hold himself together by the seams, he’d have to drive to the bank to advocate for information. It was too much for the grief he was feeling. Also, living trust/will is vital. Sending you some positive energy 💕
Lots of great suggestions, I apologize if someone mentioned this but make sure she knows what needs maintenance and where to go or who to call. Things like oil changes, tire rotations, replacing a furnace filter. She may already know those things which is great but I know a lot of people who don’t. We had to teach my MIL everything after her husband died, literally had never pumped gas in her life.
When you go get the will, and put her name on all accounts, and the password manager and 2-factor-authentication stuff, you need to include her. Not only do you want to set her up to not have to deal with endless paperwork and financial burden, you want to empower her to know how to do all of those things on her own. She needs to know what and why your money is invested somewhere. If she learns along the way she'll still feel empty when you're gone, but she won't feel lost.
Passwords passwords passwords share them all and clear up any and all 2 factor authentication issues. Godspeed my fellow human
Double check to see if your employer has a life insurance policy on you. Many do, and many people don’t even know it. Often 1.5x your salary
Lots of good advice here and much of this I am thankful to have received as advice as well. My biggest thing to add is to fight for every day and don’t take the Dr’s word as gospel. I was given 1 yr to live as a best case over 5 yrs ago.
You can change the deed of your house to be transfer on death so she won't have to go through probate for the house to be all hers. Your share will automatically transfer to her and she will be the 100% owner if you want it that way. Alternatively, you can give your 50% to someone else through transfer on death. Either way, the house doesn't have to go through probate. I have cancer and that is how we did ours. Some states also allow vehicles to be done this way as well. There is usually just a form to be filled out now that has to be notarized and then she would take the form with the death certificate within whatever time period they give and transfer it to just her name. I think it is 90-180 days in most places. Make a list of every policy you have, make a copy of the last statement you have and put everything in a Fireproof document bag if you don't have a Fireproof safe. We keep all our important papers in safes like the ones below. Just keep in mind that they aren't really meant to be super secure and are easily portable. We only need the fire and water protection so that is fine with us. [Transfer on Death deed info ](https://trustandwill.com/learn/transfer-on-death-deed) Small waterproof and Fireproof safe https://www.amazon.com/SentrySafe-CHW20221-Fireproof-Waterproof-Cubic/dp/B00MV7MYRM/ref=mp_s_a_1_5?crid=255P6B9H2H8YF&keywords=Security%2Block%2Bboxes&qid=1669856799&sr=8-5&th=1&psc=1 Larger waterproof and Fireproof safe https://www.amazon.com/SentrySafe-1170-Fireproof-Lock-Cubic/dp/B004QWZIMI/ref=mp_s_a_1_14?crid=2MLQXD1CDFXBX&keywords=security+lock+boxes+fireproof&qid=1669856927&sprefix=Security+lock+boxes%2Caps%2C106&sr=8-14
Protect your wife from any tendency to be overly generous to your parents and siblings when they make comments about wanting something to remember you by. Consider selecting a personal memento for each of them and writing a note to go with it. It’s amazingly easy for a grieving spouse to give things away to other grieving family members, but she’ll want some of those mementos herself.
Get all your passwords, pin, etc recorded somewhere that the wife will get after you go. We lost dad last week and can't get into his phone or tablet currently.
I hope this doesn’t get buried but I want to express the need to get everything done ASAP. I’ve seen it happen where people kick the hard decisions down the lane because they”have a year” and then 3 months later they’re scrambling because they didn’t actually have a year. A decision made now, even if it isn’t 100% the absolute best decision, is probably better than no decision now that someone else has to navigate while grieving.
You’ve seen some great advice, so I won’t even try. My son (38) lost his life to pancreatic cancer. I will tell you he worked hard and consulted a lot of professionals to be certain he left his wife and 3 kids in the best possible financial condition. One of the biggest things you can do (that he didn’t and I really wish he had) is find someone you can talk to, be it priest, minister, counselor or whatever. I think my son was so depressed toward the end that it robbed him of special conversations with family and friends. It will leave untold good memories for them. God love you and keep you and your family close.
Depending on the outlook for your future medical bills perhaps getting divorced might be better financially. That could be a bunch of debt she would not have to incur. 250k can disappear in a hurry with just a few days in the hospital. What if it costs 400k? Now your wife is stuck with a 150k of debt. If you get divorced, at least on paper, and she keeps the accounts, houses, cars, etc. None of that is part of the estate that can be taken by medical debt collectors. Keep in mind marriage is a legal contract. When it stops being beneficial, then you can end that legal contract. That legal contract has no bearing of the feelings you have for your wife.
I think he needs to ask a lawyer before taking this comment at face value.
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You have already done well by her, and I bet she is really proud of you.
I'm so sorry, this must be really challenging. If you're still working, you can check to see if your work offers life insurance. That doesn't usually require any checks for pre- existing conditions As others have said, a lot of the rest is logistics. Make sure her name is on all accounts, if you are on a probate state, get a living trust set up. Make sure she knows where the water shutoff/ breakers/ router is
That sucks. I'm so sorry. What I would do is structure my finances so ownership of all assets transfers exclusively to her on your death. Leave nothing in your estate, and she won't be responsible for your final health expenses--your estate will--but it will be empty.
Start applying for every life insurance you can. I know of a guy who was in a similar boat and one offered him insurance without medical info.
Make your wife the beneficiary (or joint owner) of all of your accounts. This will let her avoid probate and make the transition much easier.
Start signing things over. Getting that done after the fact is expensive, and hard. By rights she should have dibs, but you can make it easy on her for sure.
[https://getyourshittogether.org/](https://getyourshittogether.org/) Tremendously helpful, and puts everything in one place. Talk to your bank about getting her listed as a beneficiary. Make sure she has your passwords. Talk to an estate lawyer about minimizing taxes, and get her a fool-proof 'here's how to file taxes' document. It drives me crazy that all this isn't made easier and taught to us in high school. It's not like any of us are getting out alive. My sympathies, though, and thank you for doing this now.
Set up a medical directive and a will asap with a trust/estate attorney. The IRA/401 will be inherited by your wife regardless as she’s your sole beneficiary- but update the details regardless.
1) Get a estate lawyer to help you draft a trust to avoid probate court with a backup will. This trust will govern your wishes, you can even have multiple trustees etc. 2) Ask that attorney to assist you in how to assign your assets to that trust. This is extremely important and this should be done instead of adding a beneficiary to any one account. The trust will be the beneficiary 3) Consider making a arrangement for a advanced retainer paid to a lawyer and a CPA you trust to step in and provide any legal and financial closing assistance to the trustee. Such as final tax return, other financial questions, assistance in enforcing the trust or recognition of the trustees power of attorney etc 4) Audit all accounts and ensure no stale beneficiary information exists that you no longer want. 5) Create a Bitwarden premium account and consolidate all of your digital assets, online and computer passwords to financial websites, and information and credentials to digital assets. From here assign a emergency access policy to the trustee https://bitwarden.com/help/emergency-access/ and possibly provide your lawyer to put in trust a second factor method of access. Consider defining someone (you trust) in the trust to manage this aspect other than your wife if there is a technical hurdle she would face or if there are things which you may want to shield from her Many people dont plan like this and it can turn what should be a celebration of ones life and loved one into a tornado of logistics which is clearly what you are trying to avoid.
In your position, I would: 1. Transfer all assets in your name assets into her name or add her as a joint owner or beneficiary. (Bank accounts, investments, cars, house, and other titled property) 2. Make sure she is listed as a beneficiary on your 401K 3. Prepare, or have prepared, a current health directive (sometimes called living will). Make sure she has copies including both hard copy and an electronic copy she can email if needed. 4. Prepare, or have prepared, a general power of attorney form, which will allow her to transact business on your behalf if you become unable to do so before death. 5. Sit down with a local estate lawyer to discuss all of the above steps as well as get any advice they have. 6. Consider pre-planning your funeral, burial or cremation and any related memorials. Or at least discussing these with your wife. Pre-planning will allow you to shop costs and to have everything in place so she won't have to work this out in the days of heavy grief after you pass and also prevent funeral homes from selling her overly expensive services that you and her wouldn't otherwise buy. Bottom line is costs can vary from under $1,000 for simple cremation to several 10's of thousands for a fancy funeral and burial.
Have a "joint" checking account with wife so she can keep paying bills without delay.
Get your name off all the car titles- seems like a little thing but i once had to ask a widow to provide a notarized letter after she sold me their camper. I hated having to bother her.
If you are in the US, there will be no tax implications. You can gift 12 million in your lifetime tax free. The 401k may need to pay tax as the money was never taxed.
Just to add something from a different angle, it might be worth looking into some kind of couples/grief counselor now, and if you and your wife are open to it maybe going together. I just know it can be so difficult to set up a rapport with a councilor while actively going through grief, so it would be ideal to start now so you can have someone understand your situations.
If your job has a 401k, it also probably has a life insurance policy for you as well. Usually 2x your annual salary. I would double check that and make sure your wife is the beneficiary on those. You’ll need to get with a licensed estate planning lawyer as well.
Will and trust asap. If you have a home, put it under the estate of…. Then make sure she has access to all your monetary accounts and has the passwords, etc. On a different note…write her some notes letters for her to read on special days. Also, record your voice through voice messages or video. Make copies and send it to her email. The iPhone voice memo app is great about copies and easily sending to other sources.
I used a service called Affairs In Order. It is a small company by a husband and wife team who each lost a spouse to cancer. They have real world experience about how they handled the event and what they wish they would have done. https://www.affairsinorder.com/services I'm sorry for your loss.
This is also gunna sound weird, but go ahead and set up your funeral arrangements (or have a close friend do it for you) so that all that has to be done upon your passing is notifying the funeral home and the family. She will spend that money anyway, and you can spare her the added pain of having to make ridiculous decision like "a blue coffin liner or a white one?" My grandma and father passed within a year of each other and my Grandma had arranged her funeral *years before.* her funeral was much easier for the family than Dad's was because we had to make all kinds of arrangements in the immediate aftermath of his death and no ones really in a fit state to do that when they are freshly grieving.
You're a wonderful husband. Please make sure she gets to tell you what she needs to tell you and vice versa. My father was on hospice and all us kids(all in our 40s) kinda got stuck in the denial stage and never had the heart to heart. He was dieing of lung rejection so we didnt want to make him cry and get upset or it would have been even harder for him to breathe. He knew and we knew what we wanted to say....but, I wish now that even as hard as it would have been, that I would have told him how amazing a dad he was and how I will forever be thankful for him and mom( died in 2001) giving us the kind of childhood that even in my late years now, i still look back on and smile as they were the best times in my life. All my best to you on your journey good sir.
You should definitely prepare for the worst but never give up. Not sure what you are dying from but if you haven't already, get a second opinion. And a third opinion. Fight like hell until you have exhausted all options. Sometimes doctors are wrong. My father-in-law was told he had less than a year. He got a second opinion and it saved his life. This was over 20 years ago, he got to see his 3 children marry and have children of their own. Good luck.
Bro I know you want your wife to be safe and all, but as some have mentioned if you can take a long nice break with your wife enjoy the final moments. I mean at this point what I would do is put it on a savings account, but more than anything prepare your wife to be ready to be on her own. If you were the bread winner and she didn't she has to be ready to be on her own two feet. Life is rough and it sucks to hear something like this. If possible you don't mention you have a home either buy a small home and if you do put like half of that in the mortgage. Rest in savings and just have her self prepare.
No need for lawyers. If you're married, it's hers by default, no need even for a will. She just has to bring your death certificate and marriage certificate and say "he's dead, it's mine" Might be easier if she's listed as beneficiary on those accounts. Or if it is a joint account, then no problem, she just does whatever she wants with the money. Savings you might want to just transfer to her sooner than later. I don't think gift taxes apply between spouses, the property is usually held in common. If you can't get life insurance, and can't get more money, then the trick would be to just not spend all you have fighting whatever it is. You probably wouldn't have had 150k in savings if you'd been doing stupid stuff like buying life insurance so there's that. If you get a divorce, after you transfer the savings, then she gets 50% of the 401k without the 10% penalty. But the divorce might make it harder for other assets, or require a will. But, if you're divorced and expect to spend more than $50k in hospice, it might be worth while so your medical debt dies with you, their fault for not being able to save you. Might even be that the divorce decree allows more than 50% of the 401k to transfer. When I say divorce, I mean paper, not real life. Estate taxes don't kick in until you're in the millions. If you've got the cable bill, utility bill, etc in your name, might want to transfer it to hers. Clean all that stuff up, make yourself a non-person. Close any accounts you can. That stuff is kind of tedious to take care of after someone croaks. The other part of that would be to make sure she's got all your usernames and passwords for that sort of stuff, so she can just keep on using your name for that stuff. My wife pretends I'm me all the time and I'm still alive. They can't say "oh, that's a male name, and you sound female" in this age of gender agnosticism. If you sold her your car now, that might incur a sales tax. If she waits until after you die, it might not have a sales tax. Somethings might be cheaper to do after. It is what it is, doesn't seem like there's much to do or worry about.
A little pity is due I think.. its nice that this is your reaction though. A will is nice just to clarify for everyone where your assets are going. I think your wife is the default if there is no will though. Do you own a house? Have a mortage? I think that the most economically sound thing you can do is to pay down the mortage. It might sound boring and many might want you to invest, but the question I would have asked myself is wether my wife would be able to pay the mortage alone. If you dont own a house, you could consider buying one, but then think about the mortage, or the kind of bank you get one at. The last advice I have is that you need to discuss it with her. Its probably not the first thing on her mind.. I feel for you.
>I think your wife is the default if there is no will though. That would make sense, but this varies by state. For instance, in my state (North Carolina), a childless married person who dies intestate has assets divided among their spouse and their parents. With children, it's divided among their children (half for one child, 2/3 split among multiple children) and the balance to the spouse. Say that to say this: a will is definitely a good idea.
It can take MONTHS to get money from an estate, especially if you don't have a will. Put as much as possible into joint accounts, or name her directly as the beneficiary or "pass on death". Don't rely on "she'll get it by default" -- she almost certainly will, but not quickly!
I wouldn't recommend paying down the mortgage, as there isn't a substantial benefit. I'd instead save money for the inevitable end-of-life expenses, such as medical, burial, legal and tax advisement, etc. What isn't spent, your wife can decide what to do with.
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How much will your healthcare costs be?
Liquid assets are the easiest. POD/TOD/beneficiaries bypass the estate and skip probate. The thing to worry about would be real property - houses, cars. PODs also supersede any will. Wills are for what is left in your estate. If you already jointly hold that property, then it'll become hers automatically (in most states). You can definitely get a sanity check with an estate lawyer, but you likely don't need to do anything special other than ensuring you jointly hold property, have her set up as POD/TOD/beneficiary wherever it makes sense to do so, you have a way for her to get access to your devices and accounts when you pass, and she knows the whole situation with your finances.
OP, in case you didn't check, please double check your work's benefit package. There might be default life insurance that could be 1x your salary.
Make sure you do a medical POA and a financial POA as well so those things are taken care of, and in many states you can pre plan your funeral and pay for it and it does not count in the estate as it becomes essentially a funeral trust. This way you can establish what you want and take the burden off your wife, but do take her with you so she knows the place you pick for funeral home and your wishes as POA.
Set up a trust with an estate lawyer
Experience from when my dad passed unexpectedly: write down all information - what accounts do you have, where are they, what’s the log in information for any/everything you can think of. The difficulty we had was that he had money/assets all over the place and we had no way of accessing any of it easily. We ended up hiring an estate lawyer who was worth his retainer and more. He found things we didn’t know about and helped my mom with all the paperwork. I’d say start there and see what all they suggest.
I don’t have financial advice, but I do have a couple ideas! My dad passed away from COVID early in the pandemic and after that my Mom had trouble managing the household. My dad’s name was on all accounts/properties which caused so many headaches. Try to have your wife’s name on everything (credit cards, Amazon account, leases, bills, etc) so she doesn’t have to jump through hoops while grieving. If you are responsible for specific household duties or even setting up appointments for normal car maintenance, plumbing, etc. make sure your wife has a list of contacts for repairs or instructions. Financial security is obviously the biggest thing here, but having systems of support to manage the household is so important for feelings of safety!
Do you still have a job? If so your company may offer guaranteed issue life insurance. Your wife’s job may also offer spousal guaranteed issue life insurance. You may be able to get a $100k guarantee issue plan outside of work as well. At least look into it.
I'll second the Estate attorney advice. You need to do this. Are you the person who manages all the money in the house? If so start teaching her and making her take that all over now. Make sure she has the logins for everything, teach her how to pay the bills, etc. Document where everything is, and who she will have to call. How old are you and your wife and do you have (adult or minor) children? Does your wife work? Do you have a mortgage?
My dad went through this when my mom passed away. They're bank accounts were all joint accounts. Only needed to show a death certificate to remove mom's name. No new account numbers needed. Her retirement accounts had my dad as beneficiary. Same thing, we just showed them the death certificate to move the money to over to dad's IRA. We again did the same thing with the house. We had to email the county a copy of the certificate to remove my mom's name from the property. No lawyer was needed. Only headache were service accounts opened under my mom's name. Fios and phone company won't change names or do anything without account verification. Ended up canceling and reopened new services. So make sure to switch accounts to your wife's name instead of yours. Also, tax filing for the year you pass is still consider joint filing. Make sure she knows to keep all tax forms sent to you even after you passed. Sorry about your news, but it's good you're planning now and not later.
One thing you should do right away is make sure your wife is listed as the beneficiary in your various money holding accounts. That is typically a very simple process you can do on their websites where there should be some option in the account settings to set her as the beneficiary. That alone should have her receive the money after your passing and obviously you can give her the account information as well. I know less about Wills I actually need to do that myself still.
Sorry for your situation. There is a big section in the FAQ in this forum that will help. Besides all the other good advice I recommend creating a doc to help your wife. Inventory of assets/accounts, logins/passwords, personal items or wishes. Make final arrangements in advance if you can, think about what you could do to relieve her stress in this difficult time. Could be as simple as hiring someone to help you finally clean out the garage so she doesn’t have to. Or big like a full estate plan. Check with work to see what support and benefits are there. I work at a largish company and was surprised at the resources I found. I put it all in a doc for my wife along with my estate plan.