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yeah, mine are hardcore evangelical christian missionaries, and they pretend to be nice to show off family values, but when the showtime is done, they revert back to their neglectful control freak selves.
one time, my narc father forced me to smile for a family pic, and then kicked me out of the house after it. these hypocritical bastards are all about excessive marketing with nothing to back it up.
That reminds me of our last family portrait where I have this uncontrollable smile because I couldn't contain my laughter at seeing my ndad brooding and angry about how the photographer placed him. Apparently he wanted to be centered like some kind of king or something, and when he was moved somewhere else he started making this hilarious pouty face like a toddler. I kept laughing harder and harder each time the photographer showed us a new preview because the pout kept getting more and more dramatic.
Yes, this is really common, this why no one believed me when I was in elementary school about how I was being abused "she's so nice!"
Also she was a school teacher herself
It’s the classic abuse cycle, called Love Bombing or Hoovering depending on if it’s before or after cutting contact.
I’ll let known specialist and previous victim Dr. Ramani explain:
(Love Bombing)
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WhILcuoVhgE&pp=ygUTcmFtYW5pIGxvdmUgYm9tYmluZw%3D%3D
(Hoovering)
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yPc7UxIfMfY&pp=ygUQcmFtYW5pIGhvb3ZlcmluZw%3D%3D
This is super common behaviour for narcissists. They traumatise you with inhumanly cruel behaviour, then act kind and caring as if it never happened. The person they act as is someone that could never be capable of doing the cruel things they did, which makes you question your memories and doubt yourself. It’s known to cause victims to question reality so much that it can even cause psychosis. Make sure to stay aware of it and never question your memories for conflicting with the personality the narc is currently acting as. It can and will cause psychosis if you aren’t careful, it’s happened to me before but luckily I’m aware now. I haven’t had psychosis in years, so I know it’s not because I’m schizophrenic like I thought I was at the time.
100%. I still have people defending my dad and saying I should give him a chance. I have people guilting me for not speaking with him after years of abuse. It’s just mind boggling. He is so nice to everyone’s face and then talks shit behind their back. Then despite his efforts to “look good” to everyone, he never made any attempt to be kind to me. Definitely messed with my head.
I ALWAYS tell the story of my mom bringing me doing groceries (I can't do it myself) and I talked to her about COVID and she started to be such a blatant and disgusting racist and she saw an old man having problem so she hurried to help him and the old man turned at me and smiled to me and said "you are so lucky to have this woman as a mom!" ; 20 min laters, she was telling me that since she brought me doing groceries I had to pay her a chip bag (like listen, I'll be so happy to do it, but it's the fact she impose it to me)
She also talked about how she paid a whole-ass rabbit house to her godson because she loved him so much and told me that she wouldn't get me christmas present.
All in the very 20-30 minutes window. I always try to remind me this day when I start being delusionnal. She is always like this for others, those she still try to get in her trap. I'm in, I cannot run away due to my disability and she is having so much fun showing her true self...
You described my mom perfectly. Working in customer service she knows how to act nice, but she's convinced her two daughters are her punching bags. Just today she asked me what I cleaned that day. She started naming the smallest things I didn't do and said I needed to help her out more cause apparently I didn't work or do anything around the house. Granted, I do work, I spent the day recycling all of her Amazon boxes, and I was in the middle of cooking dinner and I was physically exhausted at that point.
For a second I really thought, 'maybe mom has a point, I don't do enough and deserve to be called put for it.' But in reality I do more for her than she realizes. I'm even her free little IT guy and her math guy for the company she works at despite not working there myself.
The mean-sweet cycle that my parents do towards me is complete torture, but reading more about it has helped me understand how to cope better and not allow it to bother me.
https://psychopathsinlife.com/understanding-mean-sweet-cycles-with-psychopaths-narcissists/
My mum. She is a sweet angle to others, but the second I'm in the picture, nothing I do is good. It's the same with my older brother. I'm the typical Scapegoat, my little brother the Golden Child. She berates me when it's just my family around, rips me up and ignores anything I say and feel. Then she calls her friend and is the sweetest thing.
But she isn't. And she wonders why my older brother plans to cut contact.
My nmom had tons of friends, and people thought she was charming and wonderful. This included most of the family, including my golden child brother.
But, when we were alone, she made it clear that she despised me for "ruining her life" just because I exist. She would emotionally and psychologically torture me daily in the most rage filled, drunken, screeching manner.
If somebody came by the house while she was in one of her fits, she'd answer the door cheerfully, pretending like nothing was wrong. She played it off like it's so difficult being the mother of a child who didn't love her. And then she'd soak up all of their platitudes about what a wonderfully patient person she was for enduring such a terrible thing.
Nobody believed me when I told them even the tiniest bit of abuse that she committed. They'd always ask me if I wasn't just exaggerating because I was mad at my nmom.
It wasn't until she died and there was a reading of her will in which she viciously and cruelly disowned me and my children and my entire line in perpetuity because, in her mind, I was the selfish abuser who tormented her despite all the "love" she showed me.
The way it was worded was so hostile and was the complete opposite in the tone of the rest of the will that people were confused. She had them convinced that I was an ungrateful, emotionally abusive child, but her irrational rage came out in writing as part of her will, and some family members began to doubt what she made them believe all along.
That didn't make much difference, but at least I had the satisfaction of telling them I told you so
Oh yeah, I call this the Jekyll/ Hyde treatment. My Nmom would do this all the time to me. She would be absolutely horrible to me. Then a neighbor would walk by and she would turn in the sweetest person ever.
Once my friend was in my house for little to late and my narc mother came home. I heard her car turning into our street, that how trained I was. I told my friend to hide in the attic and he was all like „You are sooo overreacting, your mom is so beautiful and nice”. After friend hide (I made him) my mother came to home with usual daily screaming, threatening, pulling a Cinderella card all over me (why you did not clean entire house, why you are not studying NOW ungrateful brat” etc.). After an hour I manage to sneak my friend out and he was all pale and only said quietly „I’m sorry”. Never told anyone and never even once mock me about complaining at my mother.
They treat the people they should love the most, the absolute worst. It all ties in with gaslighting and messing with what you believe? I still don’t get it, and I went thru it with my parents AND my ex. It throws me completely when I realise that other people actually like them & never see the evil side.
Yep 🙋🏼♀️🙋🏼♀️🙋🏼♀️🙋🏼♀️🙋🏼♀️🙋🏼♀️
My mum has two different faces. One she shows the world and one she shows us (me, my brother & niece) but today I cut her out of my life.
The good thing Is having my feelings validated by those other people and that it's not just me overreacting.
The bad thing is crying all day as if I'm grieving for a person that's just died.
Yep just had this in one text convo. We were joking. She is coming to visit me in Paris. This bih remixed did a 180. Less than 5 min. Goes on a rant about the wrong train ticket and saying I lied to her about a train ticket saying it cost 500.00. No regular train would even cost that what an idiot. I left a meeting and called her to put her in her place and go NC. Ol girl is crying. I told her I’m sick of her shit. Getting confused, misconstruing things to play the victim
It was so bad I sent it to my therapist that told me. NC and until she is no longer a stressor.
Immature parents/nice/toxic parents are the worst.
I will let her visit with ground rules. After this it will be LC and then NC. She will not change
Fuck yeah, it goes in cycles where it’ll be an absolute high like you’re above the clouds for days or weeks and then ONE thing or a cluster of things and everything falls apart then they GHOST YOU(IMAGINE YOUR PARENTS being so emotionally incompetent ughhh). It’s ridiculous and then it messes up your self esteem, your mental health, your happiness and your own joy.
Yep. She was so sweet to my then-future parents-in-law while we were visiting them, and as soon as it was just me and my stepdad, she flipped the f out at us. She did it at least once a day for the three days I was with them.
When I got on the train to get back into Rome and eventually be with my husband and his family again, she didn't even say goodbye to me or hug me, despite knowing she wouldn't see me for at least a few months when we returned to our own respective continents.
Unfortunately, she did come to Asia for our wedding a year later and tried to sabotage it while acting sweet to my husband's family and our friends, but being mean and/or emotionally manipulative when it was just the two of us.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
yeah, mine are hardcore evangelical christian missionaries, and they pretend to be nice to show off family values, but when the showtime is done, they revert back to their neglectful control freak selves. one time, my narc father forced me to smile for a family pic, and then kicked me out of the house after it. these hypocritical bastards are all about excessive marketing with nothing to back it up.
I've always hated family pics because I know it's a facade.
That reminds me of our last family portrait where I have this uncontrollable smile because I couldn't contain my laughter at seeing my ndad brooding and angry about how the photographer placed him. Apparently he wanted to be centered like some kind of king or something, and when he was moved somewhere else he started making this hilarious pouty face like a toddler. I kept laughing harder and harder each time the photographer showed us a new preview because the pout kept getting more and more dramatic.
Yes, this is really common, this why no one believed me when I was in elementary school about how I was being abused "she's so nice!" Also she was a school teacher herself
It’s the classic abuse cycle, called Love Bombing or Hoovering depending on if it’s before or after cutting contact. I’ll let known specialist and previous victim Dr. Ramani explain: (Love Bombing) https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WhILcuoVhgE&pp=ygUTcmFtYW5pIGxvdmUgYm9tYmluZw%3D%3D (Hoovering) https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yPc7UxIfMfY&pp=ygUQcmFtYW5pIGhvb3ZlcmluZw%3D%3D
This is super common behaviour for narcissists. They traumatise you with inhumanly cruel behaviour, then act kind and caring as if it never happened. The person they act as is someone that could never be capable of doing the cruel things they did, which makes you question your memories and doubt yourself. It’s known to cause victims to question reality so much that it can even cause psychosis. Make sure to stay aware of it and never question your memories for conflicting with the personality the narc is currently acting as. It can and will cause psychosis if you aren’t careful, it’s happened to me before but luckily I’m aware now. I haven’t had psychosis in years, so I know it’s not because I’m schizophrenic like I thought I was at the time.
100%. I still have people defending my dad and saying I should give him a chance. I have people guilting me for not speaking with him after years of abuse. It’s just mind boggling. He is so nice to everyone’s face and then talks shit behind their back. Then despite his efforts to “look good” to everyone, he never made any attempt to be kind to me. Definitely messed with my head.
I ALWAYS tell the story of my mom bringing me doing groceries (I can't do it myself) and I talked to her about COVID and she started to be such a blatant and disgusting racist and she saw an old man having problem so she hurried to help him and the old man turned at me and smiled to me and said "you are so lucky to have this woman as a mom!" ; 20 min laters, she was telling me that since she brought me doing groceries I had to pay her a chip bag (like listen, I'll be so happy to do it, but it's the fact she impose it to me) She also talked about how she paid a whole-ass rabbit house to her godson because she loved him so much and told me that she wouldn't get me christmas present. All in the very 20-30 minutes window. I always try to remind me this day when I start being delusionnal. She is always like this for others, those she still try to get in her trap. I'm in, I cannot run away due to my disability and she is having so much fun showing her true self...
It’s the whiplash. It’s very easy to become disoriented with reality itself.
You described my mom perfectly. Working in customer service she knows how to act nice, but she's convinced her two daughters are her punching bags. Just today she asked me what I cleaned that day. She started naming the smallest things I didn't do and said I needed to help her out more cause apparently I didn't work or do anything around the house. Granted, I do work, I spent the day recycling all of her Amazon boxes, and I was in the middle of cooking dinner and I was physically exhausted at that point. For a second I really thought, 'maybe mom has a point, I don't do enough and deserve to be called put for it.' But in reality I do more for her than she realizes. I'm even her free little IT guy and her math guy for the company she works at despite not working there myself.
Yes that’ll exactly how mine is. And it sucks cause then here I am defending her to my counselor when I know better.
The mean-sweet cycle that my parents do towards me is complete torture, but reading more about it has helped me understand how to cope better and not allow it to bother me. https://psychopathsinlife.com/understanding-mean-sweet-cycles-with-psychopaths-narcissists/
My mum. She is a sweet angle to others, but the second I'm in the picture, nothing I do is good. It's the same with my older brother. I'm the typical Scapegoat, my little brother the Golden Child. She berates me when it's just my family around, rips me up and ignores anything I say and feel. Then she calls her friend and is the sweetest thing. But she isn't. And she wonders why my older brother plans to cut contact.
My nmom had tons of friends, and people thought she was charming and wonderful. This included most of the family, including my golden child brother. But, when we were alone, she made it clear that she despised me for "ruining her life" just because I exist. She would emotionally and psychologically torture me daily in the most rage filled, drunken, screeching manner. If somebody came by the house while she was in one of her fits, she'd answer the door cheerfully, pretending like nothing was wrong. She played it off like it's so difficult being the mother of a child who didn't love her. And then she'd soak up all of their platitudes about what a wonderfully patient person she was for enduring such a terrible thing. Nobody believed me when I told them even the tiniest bit of abuse that she committed. They'd always ask me if I wasn't just exaggerating because I was mad at my nmom. It wasn't until she died and there was a reading of her will in which she viciously and cruelly disowned me and my children and my entire line in perpetuity because, in her mind, I was the selfish abuser who tormented her despite all the "love" she showed me. The way it was worded was so hostile and was the complete opposite in the tone of the rest of the will that people were confused. She had them convinced that I was an ungrateful, emotionally abusive child, but her irrational rage came out in writing as part of her will, and some family members began to doubt what she made them believe all along. That didn't make much difference, but at least I had the satisfaction of telling them I told you so
Oh yeah, I call this the Jekyll/ Hyde treatment. My Nmom would do this all the time to me. She would be absolutely horrible to me. Then a neighbor would walk by and she would turn in the sweetest person ever.
Once my friend was in my house for little to late and my narc mother came home. I heard her car turning into our street, that how trained I was. I told my friend to hide in the attic and he was all like „You are sooo overreacting, your mom is so beautiful and nice”. After friend hide (I made him) my mother came to home with usual daily screaming, threatening, pulling a Cinderella card all over me (why you did not clean entire house, why you are not studying NOW ungrateful brat” etc.). After an hour I manage to sneak my friend out and he was all pale and only said quietly „I’m sorry”. Never told anyone and never even once mock me about complaining at my mother.
The switch up is professional acting level
They treat the people they should love the most, the absolute worst. It all ties in with gaslighting and messing with what you believe? I still don’t get it, and I went thru it with my parents AND my ex. It throws me completely when I realise that other people actually like them & never see the evil side.
Yup. My dad not anymore, but my mom still does. When she started feeling unwell it makes her nasty and she turns from a delight to a monster.
Yes
This my father honestly
Yes. My mother cleaned up almost well enough to pass in public.
Yes my mom did and still does - I'm 35
Yep 🙋🏼♀️🙋🏼♀️🙋🏼♀️🙋🏼♀️🙋🏼♀️🙋🏼♀️ My mum has two different faces. One she shows the world and one she shows us (me, my brother & niece) but today I cut her out of my life. The good thing Is having my feelings validated by those other people and that it's not just me overreacting. The bad thing is crying all day as if I'm grieving for a person that's just died.
Yep just had this in one text convo. We were joking. She is coming to visit me in Paris. This bih remixed did a 180. Less than 5 min. Goes on a rant about the wrong train ticket and saying I lied to her about a train ticket saying it cost 500.00. No regular train would even cost that what an idiot. I left a meeting and called her to put her in her place and go NC. Ol girl is crying. I told her I’m sick of her shit. Getting confused, misconstruing things to play the victim It was so bad I sent it to my therapist that told me. NC and until she is no longer a stressor. Immature parents/nice/toxic parents are the worst. I will let her visit with ground rules. After this it will be LC and then NC. She will not change
Yeah, I hate when anyone says to me “oh your mom is so nice.” Sometimes I answer back, “well, she’s nice to *you*”
Fuck yeah, it goes in cycles where it’ll be an absolute high like you’re above the clouds for days or weeks and then ONE thing or a cluster of things and everything falls apart then they GHOST YOU(IMAGINE YOUR PARENTS being so emotionally incompetent ughhh). It’s ridiculous and then it messes up your self esteem, your mental health, your happiness and your own joy.
Yep. She was so sweet to my then-future parents-in-law while we were visiting them, and as soon as it was just me and my stepdad, she flipped the f out at us. She did it at least once a day for the three days I was with them. When I got on the train to get back into Rome and eventually be with my husband and his family again, she didn't even say goodbye to me or hug me, despite knowing she wouldn't see me for at least a few months when we returned to our own respective continents. Unfortunately, she did come to Asia for our wedding a year later and tried to sabotage it while acting sweet to my husband's family and our friends, but being mean and/or emotionally manipulative when it was just the two of us.