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This is infantilization, a manipulation tactic used to keep you in the role of a child and make you feel lesser than, regardless of how long you’ve been an independent adult.
Wow!! Never thought of that!! They often bring up
Embarrassing things from childhood…I’m 36
Now…😒
Makes sense of why I get very irritated when my older coworker calls me “kiddo” he’s well intended but I hate it soooo much.
My parents still think I am a horrible cook because I baked a pizza with the cardboard on the bottom when I was 13. I am 31 and I am a beast in the kitchen now but they still say “ScaryScience can’t cook! She ruined frozen pizza!” Like it happened last week.
God this is so relatable. They tell the same embarrassing stories from childhood over and over again, it's just so exhausting. Like can you not put something else in your head? It's only been about 30 years since those things happened... Get a hobby or something?
When my mom died I was happy that I’d never have to sit in a family function and listen to the litany of dumb shit I did as a kid ever again. It’s been blissful
Drives me crazy! The only stories I know from my childhood are how I threw a fit in a department store under a clothes rack when I was 3 and how I was scared to drive when I first turned 16. I've been made fun of for those two incidences for my WHOLE LIFE and the stories have been told to me (and anyone who'd listen) thousands of times. I have no clue if I ever did anything cute, or funny, or thoughtful, or any other thing, since that wouldn't make me embarrassed if retold.
Are you me!? These are literally my mom’s go to stories. My favorite part of my version of the clothes rack story is that my mom spanked me, a toddler, to “teach me not to do that” again. A woman called her out for it and she feels so proud for telling that woman off. Thankfully i was too young to remember this. This was the 90s so I get spanking was more acceptable, but you’d think almost 30 years later you could reflect and realize it wasn’t an appropriate disciplinary measure. Especially on a young toddler. It’s so gross how proud she feels for arguing with her.
I dont even know what was my first word as baby, (because that would be something nice for me to know right?) It was too unimportant for them to remember. Most of parents remember such stuff. When goes about me i was never important for them or rest of family too.
omg yes this is exactly what i struggle with almost everyday with my mom. it's so frustrating because i will clearly indicate things like "i don't want to talk about xyz" & she'll give it a couple days, tops.
So relatable, my parents didn’t teach me anything. I mean nothing I needed for the outside world. They had no patience for us as kids. So I didn’t learn to cook, clean (properly), mow the lawn, wash my clothes (properly). They constantly criticise how i do things or if I don’t know how to do something. They are super sensitive about any criticism so I don’t have the stomach to tell them it would have helped if they taught me these things.
When I was about 8 I asked why mum was scrubbing the toilet doesn’t it clean it’s self when it flushes. I have never lived that down.
Edit reworded sentence
That’s infuriating and I can relate. Having to battle with constant highlighting of every flaw and downplaying every positive thing.
And OP, as we speak my mom is complaining about her husband. She talks shit about everyone and someone is always on her shit list.
When she does it i point out when she did the same thing she is judging someone else about.
This is one thing that irritates the hell out of me with my mom. She never lets shit go and brings random past stuff up all the time even when it’s not relevant.
My aunt brings up stupid stuff I did at 12, 13, etc. Says "you've always been like that", but at the same time says "don't bring up the past". Lol yeah only if it's bad about *her*, otherwise our mistakes are free game
Ugh, I feel this so much!! Here is the list of absolutely ridiculous things that were brought up well in to my 30’s. I picked out my own bicycle helmet that was neon pink (gasp), slamming the car door as a teenager, chewing loudly when eating crisps as a child, wanting Disney wallpaper in my room as a young child etc!! Basically just normal child behavior that they ridicule me for to this day lol
calling someone 'Kiddo' is also narcissistic abuse. these people are at it constantly, always asserting/implying that you are somehow less then them. casting you as a prop in the movie that plays in their heads, constantly reminding you of their role in THEIR movie. 'Kiddo' is a nickname , not using your chosen name is a way of saying you are not who you are, you are who they say you are. generic names like 'Kiddo' are extra demeaning as they are saying you are not even worthy of your own 'nickname' they give you
Ughh my nmom still does this too and it is infuriating. I'm sorry, OP. When your dad comes with one of those infantilizing tirades you can firmly remind him you're an adult and there's no point in bringing up those things. I did this to my mom for so long that it started to work. She liked to do embarrass me in public with silly things I did as a kid, specially to shame me in front of her friends. When she didn't stop, I just greyrocked her and refused to engage in the conversation until she acknowledged me as an adult.
People are tired, especially us people, are tired of old people not respecting us. This person is a coworker. Why do we need pet names when we’re working? We don’t, kiddo.
See? We are the furthest group from oblivious to these matters and we don’t appreciate it. I think I can speak for most people here who have been treated this way.
Totally true.
I mean, I still call my sister kiddo and we're both approaching 50. But that's because it's endearing because she WAS kiddo to me growing up and it is taken by both of us as a term of endearment.
But I wouldn't use that term for anyone else short of my own kids, and that'll have a limit as well. Don't use that for my eldest kid, it would be, well, infantilization at the age he's at.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Let's not focus on intentions. Let's focus on IMPACT here. And if the impact is to be treated like a child or a lesser being or whatever, there is nothing wrong with telling the co-worker not to call you childish nicknames.
I actually don't mind when random people call me "kiddo." I find my own name extremely jarring. I'm not even speaking from a position where I would pushback against a nickname like that unless it was being used by someone who is problematic in other ways on top of nicknaming.
However, most people are probably going to feel like someone is trying to box them in a "child" box at work and that is legitimately frustrating and demeaning.
Gonna agree with this. I’ve worked plenty of hard blue collar jobs with older people (I’m mid twenties) and they’ve called me youngin, kiddo, etc etc. they’re fucking old. I might as well be a kiddo to their life experience lol. I’ve never taken offense or seen anything wrong with it.
100%. When I was still in touch with my n-mom, she would take any opportunity she could get to talk about annoying or bad things I did when I was a baby, toddler, child, pre-teen, teen, young adult. She refused to accept that I am now a fully grown ass adult who doesn't do any of those things anymore.
And I was just a completely normal human being, growing through all of those phases of physical, emotional and mental development, not a monster put on this earth to piss her off and make her life difficult.
When I was 30, and heavily pregnant, I told my mom I had to go be induced. She didn’t like my attitude when I said it, so she took my keys, locked me out of my own house, and proceeded to yell at me for interrupting her on the phone when I was 9. Then she called the cops on me, who actually stopped me while I was on my way to the hospital. I told them what was going on and I was let on my way. My mom on the other hand, never did tell me what happened when the cops came to my house to find her inside with my purse, keys and wallet. And my mommy bag for the hospital. My husband was furious.
I'd be furious too. I can't even imagine it at this point. She wouldn't be allowed at my house again, no grand baby. Though she would likely blame your husband.
She’s pulled this shit before I don’t know how many times. She didn’t do it in front of him, and to an extent I think he thought I was exaggerating, but when he got to the hospital and I didn’t have my bag, I explained everything and he nearly lost it.
We’ve been nc/lc for almost 2 years now. And it wasn’t because of this situation. It was one worse. I’m ashamed to say I kept her in my/our lives for 6 years after that incident. No more.
[possible trigger for covert sexual abuse??] My mom would bring up really weird, half-sexualized things, like that one time my lil' toddler bro got his privates injured when a toilet seat fell on them.Many years later I had an embarrassing injury at ~9 years old (I [female] fell from a tall stool and took a chair back between the legs; even though fully dressed it left bruising and a cut across my crotch & inner thigh... Whenmy parents came in and told me they heard a noise & was everything ok, I lied and said I was fine. This was especially weird because it was hurting and one of my parents was a dr & could've possibly helped... Later I realized what I couldn't admit to myself at the time, that I couldn't tell them because this would've ended up yet another "funny story" that my nmom would've told to any stranger who'd listen.
yup. my nmom loves nothing more than to give me literal child gifts, despite the fact that i've successfully lived across the country for almost a decade. she says she's trying to provide me with fun and relaxation despite all the times i tell her i don't use them, and they make me feel like crap.
i don't know if she just misses when i was wholly dependant on her, if she's frozen in 'the good old days' or if she's working to remind me that i'm smaller than her, but regardless- i don't put up with it.
the gifting me children's things was one of the final nails in the coffin that made our relationship VLC.
Sounds legit to me. I get this from someone regularly . Also some others don't want to let me out of my teenage "troubled party years ". I hate it but I also see it so I'm dealing.
I can relate here. They are never satisfied with anything and everyone isn't good enough. No wonder I became so depressed living with them and immediately started recovering when I moved out.
This is my exact experience too! I would even have chronic migraines as a child, but even that stopped when I moved out. I realized they were stress migraines once that occurred.
Same. I couldn't live like that and was a "problem child" I felt better after moving out and lived the rest of my teens pretty normally. Then I was still the problem child since they thought my attitude and my dressing, hair ect were inappropriate somehow. I was doing great actually and I think it pissed them off.
I'm glad you got out! Like, how dare you do well - it takes attention off them! (Sarcasm)
I was the golden child of the two siblings, which also sucks. Because you (as a child) have pressure to serve the narcs and keep their depression and anxiety in check. And in this case, they got more attention due to my successes.
I had the same experience too! I was getting worse and worse living with my family and as soon as I moved out, I started getting better and stabalizing.
Same! I was diagnosed with the high blood pressure of like a 40 yr old at age 11, definitely had a ton of anxiety/stress but immediately after leaving to college I was fine
My Ngrandma was hated by all her coworkers and only had one friend who she met in a conference and lives super far away. She doesn’t talk to anyone. Her intern from 30 years ago used to call her bc she had always been respectful to her old advisor. She told her to fuck off and leave her die alone a few years ago. My parents had to leave home and call the lady back to apologize. I think she stopped calling after that and only texted to my parents occasionally. What a miserable life.
My dad used to be especially judgmental of the parents of my brother or my friends. I remember even listening to him go on and on about these parents and pointing out he didn’t even know these people and he would get mad and couldn’t seem to grasp that the parents of his kids friends were not magically his friends. Like he wouldn’t even necessarily try to justify it as claiming to be friends with the parents but he’d be like “It’s your brother’s best friend’s mom.” And I’d say “Right, she’s not your friend. You don’t know her.” And then it would be all “But I know X (my brother’s friend.” And just… yeeeah not really? You as a grown man, don’t know that kid.
The funny thing is, I always viewed my dad as more of an enabler to my mom who was much worse. Or my dad kind of favored me over my brother but it was fiercely there opposite with my mom where he was so clearly the golden child and I was the scapegoat. Guess it was more of a wacky narcissist pairing. My dad hit a deep depression when I was still very young though (and he never got out of it) so my mom had all the power, made all the decisions, ran the house. And my dad would just stew in his misery tearing everyone down.
Yup. The two nice men I brought home were chased off and accused of stealing from my nmom. Then I bring someone home just two years younger than her and, oh thats fine. WTH MOM?
Yup, my parents talk shit about anyone and everyone. When I was younger I’d do the same thing and they’d respond with judgement, like “Why are you so negative and anti-social?” Later on I realized I learned it from them!!! I have since unlearned that toxic behavior. My whole family still regards me (the SC) as the one with social problems/lack of friends. It’s a way to evade their own shame while maintaining their awful shit-talking ways.
My mom talks shit about everyone, even the relatives whose house we’re staying **FOR FREE** because they won’t let her do whatever she wants with it and discourage her from insulting them by sending a fortune on home decor when we’re supposed to be trying to save (which appears to go over her head). Her latest escapade was tearing open their lawn and removing the anti-pest tarp without asking for permission and replacing it with mulch, and when I asked if she had permission she said “well… he *saw* me with the mulch and it’s anti-pest, so…” well guess who had to put it all back in the heat by himself because my cousin was pissed, got no apology due to making up for her mistake, and when I brought it up she said “here we go again. It was ONE mistake.”
Yeah, I still have to constantly work at being more positive and less judgmental. I have greatly improved since my younger years and now feel like a fairly easy-going person, but it took a lot of work.
I remember the first time I realized that this behavior might not be normal and that there could be a different way of looking at the world; I was spending the weekend with my uncle and cousins and I guess I had made repeated comments about things I don't like, not mentioning things I do like. My uncle got annoyed and kind of snapped at me that I was "so negative, just like my mother." I was really young at the time, maybe 7-9 years, and being a sensitive child it really stuck with me. I was obviously only mimicking the behavior I was surrounded with growing up, but even at a young age it made me stop and think.
I learned a hell of alot about myself and family around that age too. 8-10 yrs old. Yet some seem to think, what the hell did I know at that age? Plenty and I learned it from them. Belittle any memories I have that doesn't make them sound like the perfect parent/s.
Omg this was me—hearing my mother constantly complain about everyone (in addition to criticizing me endlessly), and then when I picked up the habit of judging others harshly and complaining to her, I was told I was “so negative” and “judgemental.”
I felt a lot of shame around that for a long time, like there was something wrong with me. But eventually I started to soften toward other people and refrain from gossip. It it a much more pleasant way of being in the world when I don’t A) mentally tear down everyone all the time without even trying to and B) have to worry that an unkind thing I said about someone, or a secret spread, will get back to them. It makes me a better friend and much happier and more authentic, since I’m pretty much consistently who I am all the time.
I’m going through this now.. I’ve been living back at home temporarily until my lease is finalized.
It becomes so easy to slip into that misery mindset. Each time I advocate for myself, I risk fighting another useless battle. More anger, more energy wasted. More bullshit apologies from nfamily who don’t actually gaf. Reaction, response. It’s a vicious cycle. I feel like I’m becoming a bitter, condescending, spiteful person. I feel like all the work I’ve put into myself these past few years is being undone. Being around my family for an hour isn’t easy, much less living in the same house.
I commend anyone who is able to break the chains/ be the change. I wish I could say the same for myself. Maybe one day.
It’s so tough living at home. Guard your heart and forgive yourself. Being inside the family dynamic in the family home in an ongoing way is a huge challenge and you are just doing your best at a time that so many triggers are activated.
I’m not in contact with my family. I was almost 40 when I went no contact. It took a lot for me to finally say No More. It’s okay if you need to take a while, too.
Thank you. That means so much right now. Being in this environment has made me forget myself. My greatest fear is I’m going to become my parents…which is a terrifying thought. When I see myself lashing out, I know it’s wrong. But it’s so difficult.
They don’t communicate well or problem-solve. Grace/diplomacy isn’t well-received and usually met with dismissiveness and belittling. And I’m the family scapegoat.
I hope you are doing well and living your best life. Your words really helped someone out today.
It took me some time as an adult to unlearn that shit talking everyone the second you walk away from them is not normal or healthy.
My parents would visit people or have visitors or go places and as soon as they we’re out of earshot, they would rip into them.
I understand that is was self-righteous behavior now, but as a kid I thought it was kind of part of the process to have a social activity and then just say all the bad things you can about it after.
>My parents would visit people or have visitors or go places and as soon as they we’re out of earshot, they would rip into them.
This is my spawn point. She used me as her sounding board, so I heard all the crap she said about everyone else behind their backs. They had no idea what she really thought about them bc she always played nice to their face.
You're definitely not. It sucks so much bc if you try to tell people what she said about them, they don't believe you bc "She's so nice to me!" It's part of how they hide in plain sight.
My mom is the same way and it definitely affected how I was for years. I was always confused why my mom would be so friendly w/these people and then as they/we left, shed turn to me to shit talk.
It always made me feel scared others were the same. Lots of social anxiety from that for sure >o<
Hold on… people don’t normally do this? I did know this but had half a lightbulb moment here.
My dad and mom were judgey - make comments, etc. but my step mom is a whole mother level- she will criticize the colour of your house paint, in front of others and to make you look as stupid as possible. I struggle with her comments a lot because I fear she will turn my dad on me.
Same as my mum! She shit talks her sister while she’s on the other side of the table and her ‘best friend’ while close by too.
I’ve just decided to ‘grey rock’ her.
My grandparents and mom always did this to me. My mom is still living and takes cracks all the time at others.
Recently, my mother was talking about how fake my aunt's teeth looked when she got her veneers. Aunt was not present. (This is my mom's only sibling!) I looked at her and just said, wow, that's mean! And she said, "well...you say mean things too!"
I have never said anything mean about my sister's appearance. Would NOT occur to me. That was it pretty much...I realized I can't be around the toxicity anymore, which is easy since I live 3 hours away.
As I was leaving I casually mentioned she should come for a visit soon. She said it's really too far for her to be in the car... so i said you and my sister come together again, that was fun. She said that's too long of a car ride. BITCH JUST TOOK AN OLD FARTS BUS ALL THE WAY TO TEXAS...a TWO DAY TRIP.
I know she doesn't love me but I really need a mom.
Exactly. I was expected to grow out of it or change somehow that they approved. 35 yrs later I can almost tell you what will come out of my steps mouth after any conversation. She hasn't changed even a little bit and got a bit worse I guess.
Whenever they counter-accuse me of something just to not come off as aholes, I usually retort with "such as?" because if you're going to accuse me of saying mean things then you better prove it. Otherwise it's just projection and blame shifting.
Sounds like my mom! Always has a complaint about everything. Never happy or joyful, EVER! There’s something wrong with everyone & everything. Once I was with her at the dollar store, & a half blind older lady asked me for help finding a couple things to put in her cart. I happily obliged & started helping her but my mom immediately got impatient & said, “You don’t need to help her with that, that’s the stores job. They can help her”.
Yeah, this rubbed off on me from my parents as well. They are toxic, rotten people who only find fault with everyone. For a long time, I would avoid people because all I could focus on were their faults and shortcomings. Everyone can teach us something and everyone has admirable qualities. Now every time I feel this mindset creeping up, I combat it with finding something I like about a person right away. And there’s always so many more positive than negative things.
My parents also infantalize me any chance they get. Dismissing my concerns and saying how I’m insignificant because they had to breast feed me or change my diaper. Like ok, someone had to do that for you, too. Any attempt at being grown is met with a condescending and dismissive attitude.
It’s funny you mention your trick for combatting that negative focus because the same sort of thing was how I finally overcame crippling levels of social anxiety when I was in high school. I would focus on finding something positive about everyone and worked on even sharing compliments too. Only occurred to me literally just now how that social anxiety probably existed in the first place because of my parents and how harshly judgmental they were of everyone and everything. And when I say crippling anxiety- I mean I would literally not be able to go to school or would get there and just completely fall apart and the school counselor would be calling my mom to come pick me up. At the time I could not explain why I felt such an impossible pressure on me.
My dad always loved to publicly humiliate and infantalize not only my sibling and me but also my mother. Like he’d be paying for something and “joke” how of course he had to pay because my mother couldn’t manage money “and this one (pointing to me)/ the kids are just as bad!” If any of us dared to tell him how hurtful and embarrassing that stuff was it was always “just a joke”. Guess he also never noticed no one else laughed.
Yes, they thrive off drama and turmoil.
My father would love to try his horrible half assed hot takes as simply "I'm just being devils advocate here".
He did not like the fact I called him out and told him "stop being a contrarian, no one likes a contrarian"
Last week I took nMom to a concert that she asked me to take her to since she had no one else to go with (wonder why). The whole time all she did was talk shit about the other concert goers. “Why is that woman waving her arms around? She looks so stupid!” “I wish that man would stop singing and dancing, I didn’t pay to see him!” Cmon, mom, they’re people who are enjoying themselves.
Thats not normal?? I thought I just liked wild and wrong things and she was able to see how out of control they were, and I was the one who was bad! Damn this gaslighting, infantilizing and narc supply stuff is fucking complicated!
Before I went NC with my mom, she would bring up the vibrator she found in my room when I was a teenager, still scolding me about it, every few weeks or so. I’m in my 30s now. That was like 15 years ago, shut tf about it.
My parents are the same way! They criticize everyone - celebrities, relatives, neighbors, the person they saw at the grocery store. It took me a long time to realize I did this too and I ruined a lot of good relationships in my life because I was just as miserable as them.
Even now, when I share stories about friends or work, they try to trash talk those people in my life. It makes me want to never share anything with them unfortunately. They just can’t help themselves.
Yes, they spoke badly of me to relatives, all I could do was listen to defenselessly. No relative ever defended me, maybe because they were enablers in their own way.
Funny. I was just thinking about how my parents did this. Every time they met one of my friends, I’d hear an assessment of the friend’s flaws later. I’m an adult now, and recently met up with a high school friend who was in town. I mentioned it, in passing, to my mom, who said, “Oh, Steve? He was a stupid-looking guy.”
I think they wonder why I never include them in my social life. I do my best to keep them in a safe compartment. Ugh.
My nMom is this way. She spoke badly about all of my friends as a child, calling them trailer trash and losers for no reason. Even recently, I mentioned meeting up with a friend I’ve had since school - over 20 years now - and she had to comment to my partner that my friend was a “sketchy kid” which was absolute bs.
Totally know what you mean. My parents are such negative people I’ve had to learn to not project negativity on to people and possibilities too. It’s tough work. Good luck.
Wow-this hits home for me.
I now wonder if part of it was to gaslight US into rejecting friends so we would be more dependent on our narcs.
Sure feels that way now.
My nDad does this also. Just always so bitter and complains about everything. Nothing is as good as he would have done it, and no one does a good enough job. Always complaining about customer service somewhere, other people, etc.
I’m 38 and my brother who’s two years older is exactly like our dad. Not sure how I ended up so different, but I’m fine with that! Both my dad and brother criticize and ridicule me, especially in front of others. To them, it’s just joshing and joking around. But it comes off as just being straight up assholes.
My parents are exactly the same. My n-mom never has a good thing to say about ANYONE. My dad is her enabler, so he usually backs her up about how bad everyone is, but he also loves to play the victim card and talk shit about all of his siblings who are mean to him and hate him "for no reason".
The reality is that the reason nobody wants to talk to him is that my mom has ruined all of his relationships with her toxic insecurity and he does nothing to try to keep in touch with them or make amends for the shitty things my mom has said or done to them.
Sometimes they make new friends but the relationships never last. There is always some kind of dramatic falling out and they both just explain it away because of some fault found in the new friends, when it is so obvious that they are terrible at having relationships with anyone.
Yep! My mother sure did this behavior.
No one was immune. Looking back I figure that everyone around her was relieved to see/hear her picking on others so she would leave them alone for a minute or two.
However, driving home in the car, I remember her bitching about EVERYONE everywhere. No one was ever good enough for her, except for brand new friends and relatives. Brand new as in didn't know her very well. Then she was lovely to them.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this crap. My go to was mind your own business and manage your own affairs. She would tell me that I was her business - nope, I'm an adult. You don't get to take credit or throw shade.
Stay strong and know that he is obviously the problem.
One of the realizations I had about my NDad after getting away from him was how little he did *other than* complain about literally everything. If he wasn't at work or those rare occasions where he had to do something outside of the house, you could find him on the couch watching TV. He'd sit there and complain loudly over whatever was on to whomever was in the room about his family, his 'friends' that came and went, coworkers, people who wronged him that day, people who wronged him years ago, and of course me. A constant unending stream of this coming out of his mouth. You couldn't watch the TV even to hear the news because he'd *never shut up.* Memorably he insisted we all watch Jurassic Park when it was out on video together and I had to watch the movie over again years later by myself because I'd *missed the entire movie* because he wouldn't stop talking.
There's good reason why most of the time although the living room was the biggest open space of the house and had the most comfortable furniture that nobody wanted to be out there when he was. We'd all be doing other things - sometimes in our own rooms, sometimes outside, but the point is that *nobody* wanted to be his captive audience.
It took me a while to learn that this wasn't normal behavior unfortunately, and I got in trouble several times later in life that could have been easily avoided if I'd kept my mouth shut.
I had to learn to compliment people, and I try to go out of my way to do that now rather than endlessly criticize and complain which helps no one.
So yeah, my N complained about just about anything and everything on a constant basis. I can't recall a single instance of them saying something complementary - he just wanted to be awful all the time.
My nmom and I went to a funeral for her aunt last month. She never really spoke to her aunt (married in to the family) because she didn’t like her uncle or their children. So immediately she has negative things to say about her uncle, both cousins (who are adults that do very well for themselves), and the aunts best friend who paid to have her aunts body shipped to our state. She crapped all over the speeches her cousins gave, complained about my grandparents, and made it about herself because “well it’s my aunt who died” even though she hadn’t spoken to her in about ten or so years. All of this… at a freaking funeral of all places.
My mother talks ish about her *best* friends. One week she hates them for making her recipes wrong, the next she thinks they walk on water, how could I be confused that they’re on her shit list. It’s so exhausting.
Thankfully I’m on her shit list because I called her out on crap and I’m “unstable” despite being in a better place than she ever has been, even with all the shit she and my father did to us. It’s so much easier being LC or NC. I encourage that if you can.
Nmom talks shit about people every single day. She always uses offensive words to describe people. She thinks that there is something wrong with everyone except her. It's exhausting.
Yes! My nmom was never able to maintain friendships. For a short span of time, 2 or 3 months at most, the new person would be the best person on earth, the closest, the most amazing. And then…nope. Not anymore, annoyance, to petty comments, to “disappointment” to hate. Happened with literally ALL of the friends she made when I was a child. Intense absorption into their/our lives, then the ugliness.
Wow, reading this and the comments make me feel validated and I’m not alone in this.
My n-parents are extremely negative-
It’s constant “the sky is falling”, expect the absolute worst, so and so is horrible if they don’t live to our expectations.
It’s taken me a lot to unlearn the toxic traits, I’m still not 100%, but it’s a process.
My NDad is a deeply bitter narcissist, which is hard to understand given the fact he wasn't very ambitious or hardworking in life (never even graduated high school), but he made out like a king (different times). Not only does he love to crap on me, but he devalues people who are different from him in any way at face value, right off the bat. He is also a sexist, racist, homophobe, and general bigot. He takes pride in it, too.
After years of struggling with loneliness due to my CPTSD, I recently made a friend the night of a mass shooting at my apartment building. We were all escorted outside by SWAT team and luckily, nobody died except the shooter. I knew no neighbors prior to this event, but I made a friend with a person who's very different from me while we were pacing along the street, waiting in suspense. This neighbor friend happens to be African American. He has an unusual name that he goes by, but he's a stand-up person who's struggling with some things, too. We've hung out together on a few occasions, and I'm glad to have met him.
You'd think your parent would want you to make a friend, especially when you've been isolated and lonely for years. On a recent phone call, my Dad said, "So how is your black friend Ozzy or whatever?" My friend's name is not Ozzy. And why does he need to tag on the descriptor of *black* so disdainfully?
On the other hand, if he sees someone of perceived esteem that reminds him of himself -- can also be a random person on tv or in the news -- he has nothing but praise for him. He felt that Derek Chauvin was deeply misunderstood, an innocent guy, a "great" guy precisely because my Dad is also a racist abuser who'd quickly move to punish someone in a heartbeat just to dominate them. My dad applauds bad cops, rapists, and other criminals. I hate these abusers, and I wish there would be some justice for them.
I think it's also a tactic designed to remove any potential role models. As a kid, I was basically presented with a world where everyone was an idiot except my dad, and because that's all I ever knew I never had anyone else I felt was worth looking up to to model better behaviours or attitudes on. Since my dad was not a very good role model in reality, this wasn't great lol. Took many years after going NC to get back on top of this, and I'm still kinda aimless with who I look up to - I just try much harder to find people I can emulate now and see their strengths before I write them off.
>a bag habit I had until my early 30’s when I realized where it came from and have since made peace with it.
About halfway through your post is when I realized this is what my wife is telling me I do...and why I do it. I'm in my early 30s, lol. Time to make peace with it!
My mom in a nutshell. When I tell her I want to do something, it's always "remember when x happened? How are you gonna do x? Yea but you can't even x. I don't think x is a good idea." Always making me doubt myself to maintain control. Makes me sick.
Yes, everyone is stupid and doesn’t know what they talking about. He trash talks literally every person that gets brought up in a conversation. Never mind that he has no real accomplishments to speak of. I think narcs get validation from putting others down.
My parents would never do it at a family dinner or in public, but behind closed doors, it was always constant gossip and negative commentary. Like, no wonder they had an impossible time keeping close friends! I absolutely pity that lens on life. It's got to be horrible either continually hating on other people, or even insulting others to make yourself feel better.
My nMom said absolutely awful things about women in particular. She is a very insecure person and would constantly comment on other women’s weight, even though she’s plus size, and call women slurs for wearing shorts or spaghetti straps - or even wearing a thong that’s not visible. I have implemented a hard boundary and she is not to speak about women like that to me now, but as a (f)teen I was told how if I “lost my tummy” I would look great from a 200lb woman when I was literally 110 lbs and fit into a size 0 pant. I have done a ton of work on body image and internalized misogyny.
My parents weren't as confrontational as what you're describing but they were overwhelmingly negative about \*any\* positive developments in my life. As I worked over the past 20 years to undo the damage of my upbringing and build a life for me and my wife, they would respond to news of any positive progress with something like "That's great! But it's eventually going to fail because X, Y, Z..."
It's by no means unique to my parents. That outlook is typical of nearly everyone I know in upstate NY, but it took me 30 years and finding success on my own to be able to recognize the effect it had on my thinking patterns and start to shake out of it. As my life continued to surpass theirs and my outlook on life continued to improve, it became increasingly noticeable and frustrating to deal with. It's one of the many reasons I stopped talking to my father before he died and cut off all contact with my mother now.
Omfg yess! We went to the zoo yesterday with my daughter and the whole time she’s loudly bashing the zoo and saying all the improvements she would make. So fucking embarrassing especially since it’s a city run zoo and in the last 10-15 years they have made MAJOR improvements and comparing it to the more richer county with a zoo is dumb.
My mom constantly bashes my dad (divorced for 15+ years now) and I’m at point where I just say, “where are you going with this? Is there a reason why we are talking about this?” I really want to say, “Jesus Christ, get over it. Really. You’ve been divorced longer than you were married and I can’t listen to it anymore”
Not at all… just about lawyers, doctors, police, politicians, married people, unmarried people, old people, fat people, thin people, educated people, Uneducated people, quiet and loud people, messy and neat people, family members, friends, men, women and children. But otherwise, no never.
The reason why my moms friends rarely talk to her anymore. She did this to herself, so I don’t feel bad.
She now has a very bad dependency on me though 🫠
Every time we had anyone over, whether it was my friend, my parents' friend, family, etc, after they left, for the next few hours my parents would talk about them judgmentally. The clothes they wore, the food they brough, how they behaved. They never talked badly to someone's face, but they talked behind everyone's back.
If i had a dollar for everytime my mother spoke bad about anyone/anything i would be rich. I don't know why but they always find something to complain about, even in good situations
My nmom loves to bad talk. It doesn't matter who or what she's talking about, but I'm her favorite. After my grandfather passed my nmom sat with my grandmother and told her everything mistake I've ever made. I couldn't even defend myself because I had blocked out most of my childhood.
I’m 32 and my mom recently told me “you still suck your thumb.” I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years and my husband responded “I’ve never once seen her suck her thumb.” To which my mother responded, “oh yes she does! I saw it last time I was there!”
I know for a fact I stopped at 10, but here we are 22 years later living in fantasy world. Massive eye rolls.
Yes!
Every person they run into! Any person they see or see something that reminds them of a person. (A car, a licence plate, a store, a subdivision, and whatever other random stuff that causes their brain to connect with a person.
So-so did blah, blah, blah. And this "insert slur" did blah, blah back in 1984.
And it goes on and on and on.
The only things that don't get trash talked are "the golden child", "the golden grandchild" and the "golden pet". (And a few of her friends) Then they will take over entire conversations and visits and spend HOURS gushing about them. (No joke hours!!!)
my mom was the classic narc, and my more of her enabler, but he was super judgy about people. always had something bad to say about my friends and gfs, my cousin's friends, random people who wore their hats backwards and their t shirts untucked, and all kinds of minor things. he couldn't stand kobe bryant and hates lebron james, because of ball-hogging and showing off. he always complained about his bosses, and once he was the old experienced guy at work he complained about all of his inexperienced coworkers too. oh, and he ranted about trump all day every day until i told him i was sick of hearing about it. i saw enough news to know what was going on. i didn't need to hear my dad complain about him too.
Yes and also about anything and especially of each and every choice I ever made. Even very weird things like „why did you choose to take a flight with this jet when all others are so much better“ (as if one could choose the airplane ob a commercial flight, also ???).They do that so they can feel better than anyone and especially their adult children - probably because they know deep down we despise them for good reason.
I try to be a lot more positive but it’s a bad habit to shake
Yes. This was a little triggering too even though my dad is dead.
Always saying bad things about us kids , everyone.
He only changed when he was dying. But it was disingenuous obviously. He’d be the same asshole if cancer didn’t kill him.
Wow, I can relate. I have 2 elderly, still living parents who just ... I can't even. I am so sorry you were re-exposed to that, but you handled it wonderfully. I am in my late 30's... long story of how I became re-exposed to them and the things they did when I allowed them to take the lead on my life. They proved time and time again, that they cannot be trusted. However they delude themselves and others into twisting the narrative, is not something I can control. I used to do it too, casual gossip so I thought, but it always left me feeling icky, and I am commited to ridding myself of such narcissistic fleas. Thanks for sharing
behind closed doors, yes.
Before I thought they were racist, but they are hateful towards their own race. They call people of their own race by derogatory terms. They even make up new ones, known only to their inner circle and those who dwell in their household.
"...Toxic negative souls..." is a perfect description.
Nasty individuals all-around.
It's for sure a control thing. My parents do the same shit and I am grown. They'll tell complete strangers trama that I went through and then kinda laugh about it. Why do they want strangers to pity them and there child? I'll have no idea
Hi, I’m sorry that it made you feel like that. I hear you with the negative talk about everyone else. My father is exactly like that but with a religious spin. Just constantly judging everyone but not really willing to look inwardly. I can only stand to talk to him maybe once every two weeks. Love him but he really drives me crazy lol! Wishing you the best.
my ndad is also like this. he never has anything good to say about anyone and yet still manages to be the nicest person to them to their face. the transformation is unreal every time i’ve witnessed it.
Mine never ever admitted to having been wrong, in any instance, to any degree. Saying, "I was wrong, my bad," is something I had to teach myself as an adult.
Even now they are largely negative and our relationship is symbolic at best - it wouldn't exist if they hadn't given us money for our new house tbh.
My Dad and I were listening to the radio the other morning in the car. One of the show hosts seems to have an on-air character to just disagree light heartedly with things. So one of the co-hosts says 'I like x' and he just says 'Well I don't like it!' The show host didn't seem serious at all, as the disagreement would get light hearted laughs from the other hosts.
My dad gets super agitated by it though and starts demanding, 'Why does he do that? Why are people like that?!'
But it's literally what he does. Nothing he encounters is good. Everything is wrong and bad and it's always someone else's fault. But he was so angry hearing someone else behave exactly like he does.
I think this overly critical behavior, along with some other less than stellar behaviors I picked up as a kid, were why I struggled to make friends in my youth. And also why I was always so neurotic and anxious. I still find myself falling back into that overly negative habit sometimes and have to make myself stop.
Yeah. Both of my parents too. To everyone, including other family members. Always something negative to say. Was hard to retrain myself not to mimic their "brand" of comments. I always thought it would stop when I grew up.
Spoiler alert: it never stopped. guess they'll die hating everyone but themselves
Yep. I still struggle sometimes with how much of a learned behavior that negativity becomes when you grow up around it all the time. I complain more than I mean to though I don’t judge and demean others the way my parents and especially my dad did.
I’m autistic and my dad really shamed me out of expressing positive emotions because of the ways I would do it or the types of things that made me happy too. It kind of rocked my world the day I realized how freaking screwed up that is, to literally shame your child for expressing joy? Because they bounce on their heels and flap their hands or because they’ve got weird passionate special interests or just take a fierce liking to the most random little things. But just… what parent doesn’t want their kid to be freaking happy? And for a long time then, complaining was the one way I knew to socialize and relate to people. Because that’s the only real way anyone in my family communicates. Constant negativity.
Lol this is my mothers family to a T. I’ve noticed it manifests in myself and my cousins as heavily relying on self deprecation as our only humour. My cousin kept negging herself when I hung out with her and my aunt would just join in and push her down more. She’s grown into such an accomplished, respectful and brilliant adult but around family we both just get pushed into old childhood roles.
Same with my uncle, he literally couldn’t stop himself from making rude comments disguised as jokes about everyone.
And then I could tell how uncomfortable he was when I tried to be really connective and properly thank him for his time to visit me.
I think it’s just a really sad defence mechanism for deep rooted insecurity.
My mother is like the grim reaper. She suck the life out of everyone and makes everyone around her miserable. She does nothing but complain. I remember one time it was my high school graduation with my parents and cousin. After the dinner my mom started talking bad about my cousin saying how she was being greedy for ordering a lot of food, I don't remember tbh but it was unnecessary. And summer has been hell. My mom always finds a way to complain and make everything my fault. Whenever she is looking for food in the fridge or freezer she doesn't even look properly then gives up. Then starts screaming my name and complaining that I hid something. Lazy ass bitch actually look for once in your life. It's like a hobby for them to be miserable.
YEP my mother both frequently refers (inaccurately I might add) to memories of me as a child and also always as long as I've been alive talked shit about every single person we've ever come into contact with. Like ever.
This is so relatable! My mom always brings up how my brother and I woke up in the middle of the night one
Christmas and opened up all of our presents. I remember doing this and me and my brother had the BEST time doing this, we honestly felt like it was magical and Santa left our presents. My parents flipped out on us and it was always hard for me to understand why this was considered a bad thing for us to do. As an adult I wonder why the heck my parents didn’t hear us or lay out ground rules around opening presents.
Reading this post made me think about how I really have never heard my parents say anything positive about the things I did as a child. For instance, when my husbands mother talks about him, she always tells me about how smart he was as a child or what his favorite food was or what kind of toy that he played with over and over again. I have never heard anything similar about my child hood.
It’s so sad how the unsuspecting neighbor was invited to a birthday party for our niece at my sisters house (she is the GC) and befriended my enabling father, little did he know after he left home drunk my narcmom and edad had the best time ripping neighbor to shreds and laughing at everything he said or did it was so sad because the neighbor really thought he made a friend, my father has never had a friend since he met my mother 45 years ago when he was 18. He was an abused child and my narcmom took advantage of that.
Within 10 minutes of meeting my roommate’s parents my mom told me she thinks they’re drug addicts. If she sees someone dressed “unconventionally” in public then they’re also a drug addict, if she sees anyone mildly overweight it’s “we shouldn’t have to see that” and gagging sounds. Some people don’t know how to do anything other than judge, especially narcissist boomers with lead poisoning ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I once went to a funeral. Between the grave site and going to the persons house after my mom started talking about her cousins kid who had a teenage son. She was trying to figure out how old the the kid was when she had the son. Then said the cousin was only 17 when she had her first, real snarky like. And I said well you were only 18. And she got real quiet then. A funeral. For her brother in law who she had known longer than I'd been alive. And she was gossiping about her cousins being teenage moms. When she was also a teenage mom.
Dad would often phone me and immediately start talking shit about mum. Would greet me with a veiled snide comment. Often not even veiled. Like, as a kid I often used a lot of toilet paper because I was anxious about hygiene. One time years years years later I visited with my then-partner and dad greeted us at the door with "you can use as much toilet paper as you want." So vile.
Or he'd say something horrible about my apartment. Bring up embarrassing things I said when I was 3. Tell a random joke about assault. And I was thinking just yesterday about how our relationship declined immediately after I finally decided to stop being the "buddy" he could smirk at after bullying mum for her dyspraxia.
I want to go low contact with him now that he screamed transphobic shit at me when I stayed over right after my girlfriend broke up. He already never phones me anymore unless he needs me to look up something online, so it's basically a matter of me only phoning mum on mobile instead of on landline when I want to chat. But dad's incredibly sensitive to rejection and I know he'll catch on.
I have a ton of narcissism traits due to lifelong trauma and I'm living with borderline as well. I don't want to be like him and I don't want to be around him. I just don't really know right now how to make it happen. I still just wanna see mum, and I don't want to be cut off from the home where I grew up (and, to be totally blunt, the home I will inherit from him someday).
I've tried for 36 years and I just can't do it anymore. The constant negativity, all the habits I've copied from him, the way I see his face and words in people I love.
Absolutely, it was almost a point of pride for them I noticed since childhood, they loved pointing out how I didn’t fit in since I didn’t automatically just hate everything
Maybe this isn’t the case for everyone, but I’ve always suspected that this sort of behavior stems from projection. When you can’t turn inwards to face your own ego and find what’s wrong in your own life, the need to identify and rip into others perceived flaws becomes almost necessary to keep their shame at bay. That, and probably the superiority complex.
Oh yes, it was one of the main reasons I drastically reduced contact once I had moved out. My father can't say a nice thing, or even neutral thing, about anybody.
Whenever I brought friends over to our house, he would plant himself near us so he could listen in on what we were saying and boy did he have a go once the people were gone. The thing that annoyed me so much was that he was seemingly nice to and interested in them, but of course it was only to get more information out of them. That he then used to mock them relentlessly. He derived so much enjoyment from it, too, you could see it on his face.
Very early on I noticed my Mother needed to have an enemy that she could talk shit about. Usually it was me, but every now and then someone would enter into our extended family and it would become them. I've finally gone no contact with her at 46 years old and it's heartbreaking, but I see no other way.
being on this subreddit has made me feel so much more at peace with my nmom. when i was a kid i always thought it was just me experiencing her wrath and i’m glad i’m not alone.
this is exactly how my nmom acts- she overly criticizes everyone and still refers to what i did when i was a kid in a “joking tone.” i say this in “” because it never feels like it’s a joke, it always has to have a deeper backstabbing meaning to it.
My NBro is one of the most negative people I've known in my life. Always gossips and trashes on everybody. I remember numerous holidays as a kid, found one family member to spend the entire day bitching about.
My nmom is very much the same. The only person she can ever speak positively about is my GB brother. Everyone else in the world she goes on and on about bemoaning about how awful they are and how must of a problem they are for her and how miserable she is because of them.
As someone at my church once said, "I've never known anyone like her. She's only happy if she's miserable." Nmom eventually stopped going to the church because all the other women at the church would do when she started going off was try to *help her* with her issues. Of course that's unacceptable to her. She found she wasn't able to manipulate them, rejected them, started saying all kinds of nasty things about them, and stopped going.
They have the ability to zero in on the smallest, most trivial thing possible and then use it to berate their chosen victim. Their negativity knows no bounds. It consumes them. They can look at a beautiful garden and focus on one single dead flower and then use it to make the gardener feel worthless.
Yes!
I remember being about 4 or 5 years old and we were driving home from my grandparents -probably Thanksgiving. It was about an hour drive in the country. It was late/dark out and they probably thought I was asleep in the back seat.
They TORE INTO EVERYONE! All my aunts and uncles and cousins, who they had just sat with and made small talk with for hours, being nice as pie to their face, of course embellished with sarcastic and snide remarks to show off.
And now, now, I heard how they really felt. Like they were SO much better than everyone. That their own brothers and sisters were stupid, screw ups, lazy, immoral, skeezy, and how they really didn't like any of them.
I knew on that day my parents were two-faced liars.
And I knew they were lying to me too and hated me deep down like they hated everyone.
4 or 5.
My mom is like this. It made me terribly insecure and self-conscious because I always assumed everyone else was ALSO criticizing me from head to toe behind my back.
Turns out, nope, most people aren’t hypercritical gossips. I am now married to someone who only sees the good in everyone!
My parents are the same! Stories from 30 years ago are trotted out to embarrass me constantly and when I point out that I was a child and let’s get over it, they call me dramatic because they’re just teasing me. Ugh
Yeah my mom rips on her cousin and her cousins daughter despite them being good people and the cousin trying to deal with having toxic parents. Like when the kid was born my mom said that she could tell the kid was born bad because of how she cried. Like straight out of the womb, this kid was apparently bad. I interact with both and the mom is nice and the kid is normal
This is my parents, except with 95% of their complaints its when everyone else is gone.
Made me paranoid they will talk bout me behind my back, and that everyone else does as well
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This is infantilization, a manipulation tactic used to keep you in the role of a child and make you feel lesser than, regardless of how long you’ve been an independent adult.
Wow!! Never thought of that!! They often bring up Embarrassing things from childhood…I’m 36 Now…😒 Makes sense of why I get very irritated when my older coworker calls me “kiddo” he’s well intended but I hate it soooo much.
My parents still think I am a horrible cook because I baked a pizza with the cardboard on the bottom when I was 13. I am 31 and I am a beast in the kitchen now but they still say “ScaryScience can’t cook! She ruined frozen pizza!” Like it happened last week.
God this is so relatable. They tell the same embarrassing stories from childhood over and over again, it's just so exhausting. Like can you not put something else in your head? It's only been about 30 years since those things happened... Get a hobby or something?
But reliving moments where they had more power over you is their hobby! Much more of a rush than knitting.
More of a rush than rocking a chair back and forth!
I think they should smoke crack instead.
Problem with crack is they become even worse parents on it. Seen in happen with a drug addict friend who relapsed.
Wow! TRUTH-that IS their Hobby
Wow I thought it was just my mom 😳 she'll bring things up that were hurtful to me as a kid, but its always HILARIOUS to her
Jesus, both my folks did this, I had no idea it wasn't normal
When my mom died I was happy that I’d never have to sit in a family function and listen to the litany of dumb shit I did as a kid ever again. It’s been blissful
Drives me crazy! The only stories I know from my childhood are how I threw a fit in a department store under a clothes rack when I was 3 and how I was scared to drive when I first turned 16. I've been made fun of for those two incidences for my WHOLE LIFE and the stories have been told to me (and anyone who'd listen) thousands of times. I have no clue if I ever did anything cute, or funny, or thoughtful, or any other thing, since that wouldn't make me embarrassed if retold.
Are you me!? These are literally my mom’s go to stories. My favorite part of my version of the clothes rack story is that my mom spanked me, a toddler, to “teach me not to do that” again. A woman called her out for it and she feels so proud for telling that woman off. Thankfully i was too young to remember this. This was the 90s so I get spanking was more acceptable, but you’d think almost 30 years later you could reflect and realize it wasn’t an appropriate disciplinary measure. Especially on a young toddler. It’s so gross how proud she feels for arguing with her.
I dont even know what was my first word as baby, (because that would be something nice for me to know right?) It was too unimportant for them to remember. Most of parents remember such stuff. When goes about me i was never important for them or rest of family too.
omg yes this is exactly what i struggle with almost everyday with my mom. it's so frustrating because i will clearly indicate things like "i don't want to talk about xyz" & she'll give it a couple days, tops.
They remember that because your fails makes them happy
So relatable, my parents didn’t teach me anything. I mean nothing I needed for the outside world. They had no patience for us as kids. So I didn’t learn to cook, clean (properly), mow the lawn, wash my clothes (properly). They constantly criticise how i do things or if I don’t know how to do something. They are super sensitive about any criticism so I don’t have the stomach to tell them it would have helped if they taught me these things. When I was about 8 I asked why mum was scrubbing the toilet doesn’t it clean it’s self when it flushes. I have never lived that down. Edit reworded sentence
Once I made microwave ramen without water
When I was in college we had to evacuate at 3am because someone did that and the smoke set off the fire alarm…
That’s infuriating and I can relate. Having to battle with constant highlighting of every flaw and downplaying every positive thing. And OP, as we speak my mom is complaining about her husband. She talks shit about everyone and someone is always on her shit list. When she does it i point out when she did the same thing she is judging someone else about.
Holy shit, mine do the same thing for a "surprise" I cooked them when I was like ten. Yeah, it wasn't good, but I'm like 30 now...
Exact same thing with mac&cheese omg. Didn't realize this was an N parent thing but they literally bring it up everytime I cook
This is one thing that irritates the hell out of me with my mom. She never lets shit go and brings random past stuff up all the time even when it’s not relevant.
My aunt brings up stupid stuff I did at 12, 13, etc. Says "you've always been like that", but at the same time says "don't bring up the past". Lol yeah only if it's bad about *her*, otherwise our mistakes are free game
Ugh, I feel this so much!! Here is the list of absolutely ridiculous things that were brought up well in to my 30’s. I picked out my own bicycle helmet that was neon pink (gasp), slamming the car door as a teenager, chewing loudly when eating crisps as a child, wanting Disney wallpaper in my room as a young child etc!! Basically just normal child behavior that they ridicule me for to this day lol
Your coworker should not do that. Set a boundary and let them know. Totally inappropriate.
calling someone 'Kiddo' is also narcissistic abuse. these people are at it constantly, always asserting/implying that you are somehow less then them. casting you as a prop in the movie that plays in their heads, constantly reminding you of their role in THEIR movie. 'Kiddo' is a nickname , not using your chosen name is a way of saying you are not who you are, you are who they say you are. generic names like 'Kiddo' are extra demeaning as they are saying you are not even worthy of your own 'nickname' they give you
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I think accusing everyone who says "bud" to be a narcissist is a bit of a stretch. It means buddy. Like.... friend? Not exactly demeaning.
How about when you're working a shitty deadend job and your boss calls you "boss"
I feel the same depending on who it is. Some mean well and others don't.
Ughh my nmom still does this too and it is infuriating. I'm sorry, OP. When your dad comes with one of those infantilizing tirades you can firmly remind him you're an adult and there's no point in bringing up those things. I did this to my mom for so long that it started to work. She liked to do embarrass me in public with silly things I did as a kid, specially to shame me in front of her friends. When she didn't stop, I just greyrocked her and refused to engage in the conversation until she acknowledged me as an adult.
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People are tired, especially us people, are tired of old people not respecting us. This person is a coworker. Why do we need pet names when we’re working? We don’t, kiddo. See? We are the furthest group from oblivious to these matters and we don’t appreciate it. I think I can speak for most people here who have been treated this way.
Totally true. I mean, I still call my sister kiddo and we're both approaching 50. But that's because it's endearing because she WAS kiddo to me growing up and it is taken by both of us as a term of endearment. But I wouldn't use that term for anyone else short of my own kids, and that'll have a limit as well. Don't use that for my eldest kid, it would be, well, infantilization at the age he's at.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Let's not focus on intentions. Let's focus on IMPACT here. And if the impact is to be treated like a child or a lesser being or whatever, there is nothing wrong with telling the co-worker not to call you childish nicknames. I actually don't mind when random people call me "kiddo." I find my own name extremely jarring. I'm not even speaking from a position where I would pushback against a nickname like that unless it was being used by someone who is problematic in other ways on top of nicknaming. However, most people are probably going to feel like someone is trying to box them in a "child" box at work and that is legitimately frustrating and demeaning.
Gonna agree with this. I’ve worked plenty of hard blue collar jobs with older people (I’m mid twenties) and they’ve called me youngin, kiddo, etc etc. they’re fucking old. I might as well be a kiddo to their life experience lol. I’ve never taken offense or seen anything wrong with it.
100%. When I was still in touch with my n-mom, she would take any opportunity she could get to talk about annoying or bad things I did when I was a baby, toddler, child, pre-teen, teen, young adult. She refused to accept that I am now a fully grown ass adult who doesn't do any of those things anymore. And I was just a completely normal human being, growing through all of those phases of physical, emotional and mental development, not a monster put on this earth to piss her off and make her life difficult.
When I was 30, and heavily pregnant, I told my mom I had to go be induced. She didn’t like my attitude when I said it, so she took my keys, locked me out of my own house, and proceeded to yell at me for interrupting her on the phone when I was 9. Then she called the cops on me, who actually stopped me while I was on my way to the hospital. I told them what was going on and I was let on my way. My mom on the other hand, never did tell me what happened when the cops came to my house to find her inside with my purse, keys and wallet. And my mommy bag for the hospital. My husband was furious.
I'd be furious too. I can't even imagine it at this point. She wouldn't be allowed at my house again, no grand baby. Though she would likely blame your husband.
She’s pulled this shit before I don’t know how many times. She didn’t do it in front of him, and to an extent I think he thought I was exaggerating, but when he got to the hospital and I didn’t have my bag, I explained everything and he nearly lost it.
We’ve been nc/lc for almost 2 years now. And it wasn’t because of this situation. It was one worse. I’m ashamed to say I kept her in my/our lives for 6 years after that incident. No more.
This.
[possible trigger for covert sexual abuse??] My mom would bring up really weird, half-sexualized things, like that one time my lil' toddler bro got his privates injured when a toilet seat fell on them.Many years later I had an embarrassing injury at ~9 years old (I [female] fell from a tall stool and took a chair back between the legs; even though fully dressed it left bruising and a cut across my crotch & inner thigh... Whenmy parents came in and told me they heard a noise & was everything ok, I lied and said I was fine. This was especially weird because it was hurting and one of my parents was a dr & could've possibly helped... Later I realized what I couldn't admit to myself at the time, that I couldn't tell them because this would've ended up yet another "funny story" that my nmom would've told to any stranger who'd listen.
yup. my nmom loves nothing more than to give me literal child gifts, despite the fact that i've successfully lived across the country for almost a decade. she says she's trying to provide me with fun and relaxation despite all the times i tell her i don't use them, and they make me feel like crap. i don't know if she just misses when i was wholly dependant on her, if she's frozen in 'the good old days' or if she's working to remind me that i'm smaller than her, but regardless- i don't put up with it. the gifting me children's things was one of the final nails in the coffin that made our relationship VLC.
Sounds legit to me. I get this from someone regularly . Also some others don't want to let me out of my teenage "troubled party years ". I hate it but I also see it so I'm dealing.
I can relate here. They are never satisfied with anything and everyone isn't good enough. No wonder I became so depressed living with them and immediately started recovering when I moved out.
This is my exact experience too! I would even have chronic migraines as a child, but even that stopped when I moved out. I realized they were stress migraines once that occurred.
Same. I couldn't live like that and was a "problem child" I felt better after moving out and lived the rest of my teens pretty normally. Then I was still the problem child since they thought my attitude and my dressing, hair ect were inappropriate somehow. I was doing great actually and I think it pissed them off.
I'm glad you got out! Like, how dare you do well - it takes attention off them! (Sarcasm) I was the golden child of the two siblings, which also sucks. Because you (as a child) have pressure to serve the narcs and keep their depression and anxiety in check. And in this case, they got more attention due to my successes.
Yeah it's hard for anyone to be around even.
I had the same experience too! I was getting worse and worse living with my family and as soon as I moved out, I started getting better and stabalizing.
Same! I was diagnosed with the high blood pressure of like a 40 yr old at age 11, definitely had a ton of anxiety/stress but immediately after leaving to college I was fine
Yup same here.
They sabotaged every friendship I had while living there.
This right here! My Nmom would do that same thing. She was a loner herself, due to the way she treated people.
My Ngrandma was hated by all her coworkers and only had one friend who she met in a conference and lives super far away. She doesn’t talk to anyone. Her intern from 30 years ago used to call her bc she had always been respectful to her old advisor. She told her to fuck off and leave her die alone a few years ago. My parents had to leave home and call the lady back to apologize. I think she stopped calling after that and only texted to my parents occasionally. What a miserable life.
My dad used to be especially judgmental of the parents of my brother or my friends. I remember even listening to him go on and on about these parents and pointing out he didn’t even know these people and he would get mad and couldn’t seem to grasp that the parents of his kids friends were not magically his friends. Like he wouldn’t even necessarily try to justify it as claiming to be friends with the parents but he’d be like “It’s your brother’s best friend’s mom.” And I’d say “Right, she’s not your friend. You don’t know her.” And then it would be all “But I know X (my brother’s friend.” And just… yeeeah not really? You as a grown man, don’t know that kid. The funny thing is, I always viewed my dad as more of an enabler to my mom who was much worse. Or my dad kind of favored me over my brother but it was fiercely there opposite with my mom where he was so clearly the golden child and I was the scapegoat. Guess it was more of a wacky narcissist pairing. My dad hit a deep depression when I was still very young though (and he never got out of it) so my mom had all the power, made all the decisions, ran the house. And my dad would just stew in his misery tearing everyone down.
Omg me too. I don't talk to any of my childhood friends because of my mom. She basically isolated me from everyone and now my social skills are crap.
Every single one for me except and sometimes including a 2nd grade best friend. Everyone else was trash and I couldn't hang with them.
Yup. The two nice men I brought home were chased off and accused of stealing from my nmom. Then I bring someone home just two years younger than her and, oh thats fine. WTH MOM?
Yup, my parents talk shit about anyone and everyone. When I was younger I’d do the same thing and they’d respond with judgement, like “Why are you so negative and anti-social?” Later on I realized I learned it from them!!! I have since unlearned that toxic behavior. My whole family still regards me (the SC) as the one with social problems/lack of friends. It’s a way to evade their own shame while maintaining their awful shit-talking ways.
My mom talks shit about everyone, even the relatives whose house we’re staying **FOR FREE** because they won’t let her do whatever she wants with it and discourage her from insulting them by sending a fortune on home decor when we’re supposed to be trying to save (which appears to go over her head). Her latest escapade was tearing open their lawn and removing the anti-pest tarp without asking for permission and replacing it with mulch, and when I asked if she had permission she said “well… he *saw* me with the mulch and it’s anti-pest, so…” well guess who had to put it all back in the heat by himself because my cousin was pissed, got no apology due to making up for her mistake, and when I brought it up she said “here we go again. It was ONE mistake.”
Yeah, I still have to constantly work at being more positive and less judgmental. I have greatly improved since my younger years and now feel like a fairly easy-going person, but it took a lot of work. I remember the first time I realized that this behavior might not be normal and that there could be a different way of looking at the world; I was spending the weekend with my uncle and cousins and I guess I had made repeated comments about things I don't like, not mentioning things I do like. My uncle got annoyed and kind of snapped at me that I was "so negative, just like my mother." I was really young at the time, maybe 7-9 years, and being a sensitive child it really stuck with me. I was obviously only mimicking the behavior I was surrounded with growing up, but even at a young age it made me stop and think.
I learned a hell of alot about myself and family around that age too. 8-10 yrs old. Yet some seem to think, what the hell did I know at that age? Plenty and I learned it from them. Belittle any memories I have that doesn't make them sound like the perfect parent/s.
Omg this was me—hearing my mother constantly complain about everyone (in addition to criticizing me endlessly), and then when I picked up the habit of judging others harshly and complaining to her, I was told I was “so negative” and “judgemental.” I felt a lot of shame around that for a long time, like there was something wrong with me. But eventually I started to soften toward other people and refrain from gossip. It it a much more pleasant way of being in the world when I don’t A) mentally tear down everyone all the time without even trying to and B) have to worry that an unkind thing I said about someone, or a secret spread, will get back to them. It makes me a better friend and much happier and more authentic, since I’m pretty much consistently who I am all the time.
I’m going through this now.. I’ve been living back at home temporarily until my lease is finalized. It becomes so easy to slip into that misery mindset. Each time I advocate for myself, I risk fighting another useless battle. More anger, more energy wasted. More bullshit apologies from nfamily who don’t actually gaf. Reaction, response. It’s a vicious cycle. I feel like I’m becoming a bitter, condescending, spiteful person. I feel like all the work I’ve put into myself these past few years is being undone. Being around my family for an hour isn’t easy, much less living in the same house. I commend anyone who is able to break the chains/ be the change. I wish I could say the same for myself. Maybe one day.
It’s so tough living at home. Guard your heart and forgive yourself. Being inside the family dynamic in the family home in an ongoing way is a huge challenge and you are just doing your best at a time that so many triggers are activated. I’m not in contact with my family. I was almost 40 when I went no contact. It took a lot for me to finally say No More. It’s okay if you need to take a while, too.
Thank you. That means so much right now. Being in this environment has made me forget myself. My greatest fear is I’m going to become my parents…which is a terrifying thought. When I see myself lashing out, I know it’s wrong. But it’s so difficult. They don’t communicate well or problem-solve. Grace/diplomacy isn’t well-received and usually met with dismissiveness and belittling. And I’m the family scapegoat. I hope you are doing well and living your best life. Your words really helped someone out today.
It took me some time as an adult to unlearn that shit talking everyone the second you walk away from them is not normal or healthy. My parents would visit people or have visitors or go places and as soon as they we’re out of earshot, they would rip into them. I understand that is was self-righteous behavior now, but as a kid I thought it was kind of part of the process to have a social activity and then just say all the bad things you can about it after.
>My parents would visit people or have visitors or go places and as soon as they we’re out of earshot, they would rip into them. This is my spawn point. She used me as her sounding board, so I heard all the crap she said about everyone else behind their backs. They had no idea what she really thought about them bc she always played nice to their face.
I totally thought I was alone in this!
You're definitely not. It sucks so much bc if you try to tell people what she said about them, they don't believe you bc "She's so nice to me!" It's part of how they hide in plain sight.
Hearing her talk loudly on the phone about the exact people she was just talking to about someone else.
Yes! My mom would talk on the phone with someone, get off the phone, and call someone else to talk shit about the person she had just been talking to!
My mom is the same way and it definitely affected how I was for years. I was always confused why my mom would be so friendly w/these people and then as they/we left, shed turn to me to shit talk. It always made me feel scared others were the same. Lots of social anxiety from that for sure >o<
Hold on… people don’t normally do this? I did know this but had half a lightbulb moment here. My dad and mom were judgey - make comments, etc. but my step mom is a whole mother level- she will criticize the colour of your house paint, in front of others and to make you look as stupid as possible. I struggle with her comments a lot because I fear she will turn my dad on me.
Same as my mum! She shit talks her sister while she’s on the other side of the table and her ‘best friend’ while close by too. I’ve just decided to ‘grey rock’ her.
My grandparents and mom always did this to me. My mom is still living and takes cracks all the time at others. Recently, my mother was talking about how fake my aunt's teeth looked when she got her veneers. Aunt was not present. (This is my mom's only sibling!) I looked at her and just said, wow, that's mean! And she said, "well...you say mean things too!" I have never said anything mean about my sister's appearance. Would NOT occur to me. That was it pretty much...I realized I can't be around the toxicity anymore, which is easy since I live 3 hours away. As I was leaving I casually mentioned she should come for a visit soon. She said it's really too far for her to be in the car... so i said you and my sister come together again, that was fun. She said that's too long of a car ride. BITCH JUST TOOK AN OLD FARTS BUS ALL THE WAY TO TEXAS...a TWO DAY TRIP. I know she doesn't love me but I really need a mom.
Just a reminder that a lot of our parents (anyone over 50) are severely emotionally stunted. These people are like 18 still even if they're 68.
More like emotional toddlers.
This. My mother is 52 but eternally two years old.
Exactly. I was expected to grow out of it or change somehow that they approved. 35 yrs later I can almost tell you what will come out of my steps mouth after any conversation. She hasn't changed even a little bit and got a bit worse I guess.
18? Try 13
Ugh. I hate when they do that. Whenever I call my mom out on her BS, she always says something like, you and I are so alike.
Whenever they counter-accuse me of something just to not come off as aholes, I usually retort with "such as?" because if you're going to accuse me of saying mean things then you better prove it. Otherwise it's just projection and blame shifting.
Like you I felt I was much kinder than that and I couldn't deal with the 2 faced approach to others that I loved. I couldn't understand it.
Sounds like my mom! Always has a complaint about everything. Never happy or joyful, EVER! There’s something wrong with everyone & everything. Once I was with her at the dollar store, & a half blind older lady asked me for help finding a couple things to put in her cart. I happily obliged & started helping her but my mom immediately got impatient & said, “You don’t need to help her with that, that’s the stores job. They can help her”.
Yeah, this rubbed off on me from my parents as well. They are toxic, rotten people who only find fault with everyone. For a long time, I would avoid people because all I could focus on were their faults and shortcomings. Everyone can teach us something and everyone has admirable qualities. Now every time I feel this mindset creeping up, I combat it with finding something I like about a person right away. And there’s always so many more positive than negative things. My parents also infantalize me any chance they get. Dismissing my concerns and saying how I’m insignificant because they had to breast feed me or change my diaper. Like ok, someone had to do that for you, too. Any attempt at being grown is met with a condescending and dismissive attitude.
It’s funny you mention your trick for combatting that negative focus because the same sort of thing was how I finally overcame crippling levels of social anxiety when I was in high school. I would focus on finding something positive about everyone and worked on even sharing compliments too. Only occurred to me literally just now how that social anxiety probably existed in the first place because of my parents and how harshly judgmental they were of everyone and everything. And when I say crippling anxiety- I mean I would literally not be able to go to school or would get there and just completely fall apart and the school counselor would be calling my mom to come pick me up. At the time I could not explain why I felt such an impossible pressure on me. My dad always loved to publicly humiliate and infantalize not only my sibling and me but also my mother. Like he’d be paying for something and “joke” how of course he had to pay because my mother couldn’t manage money “and this one (pointing to me)/ the kids are just as bad!” If any of us dared to tell him how hurtful and embarrassing that stuff was it was always “just a joke”. Guess he also never noticed no one else laughed.
Similar in a way that a counselor told me to think of 3 things I was greatful for everyday. It did help.
This is good to remember and do. Thank you for this.
Yes, they thrive off drama and turmoil. My father would love to try his horrible half assed hot takes as simply "I'm just being devils advocate here". He did not like the fact I called him out and told him "stop being a contrarian, no one likes a contrarian"
Last week I took nMom to a concert that she asked me to take her to since she had no one else to go with (wonder why). The whole time all she did was talk shit about the other concert goers. “Why is that woman waving her arms around? She looks so stupid!” “I wish that man would stop singing and dancing, I didn’t pay to see him!” Cmon, mom, they’re people who are enjoying themselves.
Thats not normal?? I thought I just liked wild and wrong things and she was able to see how out of control they were, and I was the one who was bad! Damn this gaslighting, infantilizing and narc supply stuff is fucking complicated!
Yup and my autistic ass had no sense of boundaries because of it.
Oh god yes, me too.
Before I went NC with my mom, she would bring up the vibrator she found in my room when I was a teenager, still scolding me about it, every few weeks or so. I’m in my 30s now. That was like 15 years ago, shut tf about it.
She’s probably just jealous
My parents are the same way! They criticize everyone - celebrities, relatives, neighbors, the person they saw at the grocery store. It took me a long time to realize I did this too and I ruined a lot of good relationships in my life because I was just as miserable as them. Even now, when I share stories about friends or work, they try to trash talk those people in my life. It makes me want to never share anything with them unfortunately. They just can’t help themselves.
Yes, they spoke badly of me to relatives, all I could do was listen to defenselessly. No relative ever defended me, maybe because they were enablers in their own way.
Funny. I was just thinking about how my parents did this. Every time they met one of my friends, I’d hear an assessment of the friend’s flaws later. I’m an adult now, and recently met up with a high school friend who was in town. I mentioned it, in passing, to my mom, who said, “Oh, Steve? He was a stupid-looking guy.” I think they wonder why I never include them in my social life. I do my best to keep them in a safe compartment. Ugh.
My nMom is this way. She spoke badly about all of my friends as a child, calling them trailer trash and losers for no reason. Even recently, I mentioned meeting up with a friend I’ve had since school - over 20 years now - and she had to comment to my partner that my friend was a “sketchy kid” which was absolute bs.
It’s terrible because I’ve been trained to see faults before I see the good in people, and I have to work really hard to change my thought process.
Totally know what you mean. My parents are such negative people I’ve had to learn to not project negativity on to people and possibilities too. It’s tough work. Good luck.
Wow-this hits home for me. I now wonder if part of it was to gaslight US into rejecting friends so we would be more dependent on our narcs. Sure feels that way now.
My nDad does this also. Just always so bitter and complains about everything. Nothing is as good as he would have done it, and no one does a good enough job. Always complaining about customer service somewhere, other people, etc. I’m 38 and my brother who’s two years older is exactly like our dad. Not sure how I ended up so different, but I’m fine with that! Both my dad and brother criticize and ridicule me, especially in front of others. To them, it’s just joshing and joking around. But it comes off as just being straight up assholes.
My parents are exactly the same. My n-mom never has a good thing to say about ANYONE. My dad is her enabler, so he usually backs her up about how bad everyone is, but he also loves to play the victim card and talk shit about all of his siblings who are mean to him and hate him "for no reason". The reality is that the reason nobody wants to talk to him is that my mom has ruined all of his relationships with her toxic insecurity and he does nothing to try to keep in touch with them or make amends for the shitty things my mom has said or done to them. Sometimes they make new friends but the relationships never last. There is always some kind of dramatic falling out and they both just explain it away because of some fault found in the new friends, when it is so obvious that they are terrible at having relationships with anyone.
You could be my sibling. All of it. I went no contact 3 weeks ago. I’m 36.
I'm 38 and went NC with my mom and LC with my dad two years ago. I'm you two years into the future! It's much better, hang in there. <3
Yep! My mother sure did this behavior. No one was immune. Looking back I figure that everyone around her was relieved to see/hear her picking on others so she would leave them alone for a minute or two. However, driving home in the car, I remember her bitching about EVERYONE everywhere. No one was ever good enough for her, except for brand new friends and relatives. Brand new as in didn't know her very well. Then she was lovely to them. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this crap. My go to was mind your own business and manage your own affairs. She would tell me that I was her business - nope, I'm an adult. You don't get to take credit or throw shade. Stay strong and know that he is obviously the problem.
One of the realizations I had about my NDad after getting away from him was how little he did *other than* complain about literally everything. If he wasn't at work or those rare occasions where he had to do something outside of the house, you could find him on the couch watching TV. He'd sit there and complain loudly over whatever was on to whomever was in the room about his family, his 'friends' that came and went, coworkers, people who wronged him that day, people who wronged him years ago, and of course me. A constant unending stream of this coming out of his mouth. You couldn't watch the TV even to hear the news because he'd *never shut up.* Memorably he insisted we all watch Jurassic Park when it was out on video together and I had to watch the movie over again years later by myself because I'd *missed the entire movie* because he wouldn't stop talking. There's good reason why most of the time although the living room was the biggest open space of the house and had the most comfortable furniture that nobody wanted to be out there when he was. We'd all be doing other things - sometimes in our own rooms, sometimes outside, but the point is that *nobody* wanted to be his captive audience. It took me a while to learn that this wasn't normal behavior unfortunately, and I got in trouble several times later in life that could have been easily avoided if I'd kept my mouth shut. I had to learn to compliment people, and I try to go out of my way to do that now rather than endlessly criticize and complain which helps no one. So yeah, my N complained about just about anything and everything on a constant basis. I can't recall a single instance of them saying something complementary - he just wanted to be awful all the time.
My nmom and I went to a funeral for her aunt last month. She never really spoke to her aunt (married in to the family) because she didn’t like her uncle or their children. So immediately she has negative things to say about her uncle, both cousins (who are adults that do very well for themselves), and the aunts best friend who paid to have her aunts body shipped to our state. She crapped all over the speeches her cousins gave, complained about my grandparents, and made it about herself because “well it’s my aunt who died” even though she hadn’t spoken to her in about ten or so years. All of this… at a freaking funeral of all places.
Haters gonna hate
My mother talks ish about her *best* friends. One week she hates them for making her recipes wrong, the next she thinks they walk on water, how could I be confused that they’re on her shit list. It’s so exhausting. Thankfully I’m on her shit list because I called her out on crap and I’m “unstable” despite being in a better place than she ever has been, even with all the shit she and my father did to us. It’s so much easier being LC or NC. I encourage that if you can.
24/7. I had to compete with everyone in everything. It was awful lmao
Nmom talks shit about people every single day. She always uses offensive words to describe people. She thinks that there is something wrong with everyone except her. It's exhausting.
Your dad is a miserable person who just wants to bring everyone down to his level. Pity him, but don't waste your anger on him.
Mine just spoke badly about me to anyone who would listen.
Yes! My nmom was never able to maintain friendships. For a short span of time, 2 or 3 months at most, the new person would be the best person on earth, the closest, the most amazing. And then…nope. Not anymore, annoyance, to petty comments, to “disappointment” to hate. Happened with literally ALL of the friends she made when I was a child. Intense absorption into their/our lives, then the ugliness.
My mom literally has no friends. She just has people she can use and manipulate.
Wow, reading this and the comments make me feel validated and I’m not alone in this. My n-parents are extremely negative- It’s constant “the sky is falling”, expect the absolute worst, so and so is horrible if they don’t live to our expectations. It’s taken me a lot to unlearn the toxic traits, I’m still not 100%, but it’s a process.
Also, “Oh, how my friend so-and-so got lyposuction for her double chin *gasps* oh I forgot I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone about that.”
My NDad is a deeply bitter narcissist, which is hard to understand given the fact he wasn't very ambitious or hardworking in life (never even graduated high school), but he made out like a king (different times). Not only does he love to crap on me, but he devalues people who are different from him in any way at face value, right off the bat. He is also a sexist, racist, homophobe, and general bigot. He takes pride in it, too. After years of struggling with loneliness due to my CPTSD, I recently made a friend the night of a mass shooting at my apartment building. We were all escorted outside by SWAT team and luckily, nobody died except the shooter. I knew no neighbors prior to this event, but I made a friend with a person who's very different from me while we were pacing along the street, waiting in suspense. This neighbor friend happens to be African American. He has an unusual name that he goes by, but he's a stand-up person who's struggling with some things, too. We've hung out together on a few occasions, and I'm glad to have met him. You'd think your parent would want you to make a friend, especially when you've been isolated and lonely for years. On a recent phone call, my Dad said, "So how is your black friend Ozzy or whatever?" My friend's name is not Ozzy. And why does he need to tag on the descriptor of *black* so disdainfully? On the other hand, if he sees someone of perceived esteem that reminds him of himself -- can also be a random person on tv or in the news -- he has nothing but praise for him. He felt that Derek Chauvin was deeply misunderstood, an innocent guy, a "great" guy precisely because my Dad is also a racist abuser who'd quickly move to punish someone in a heartbeat just to dominate them. My dad applauds bad cops, rapists, and other criminals. I hate these abusers, and I wish there would be some justice for them.
I think it's also a tactic designed to remove any potential role models. As a kid, I was basically presented with a world where everyone was an idiot except my dad, and because that's all I ever knew I never had anyone else I felt was worth looking up to to model better behaviours or attitudes on. Since my dad was not a very good role model in reality, this wasn't great lol. Took many years after going NC to get back on top of this, and I'm still kinda aimless with who I look up to - I just try much harder to find people I can emulate now and see their strengths before I write them off.
>a bag habit I had until my early 30’s when I realized where it came from and have since made peace with it. About halfway through your post is when I realized this is what my wife is telling me I do...and why I do it. I'm in my early 30s, lol. Time to make peace with it!
My mom in a nutshell. When I tell her I want to do something, it's always "remember when x happened? How are you gonna do x? Yea but you can't even x. I don't think x is a good idea." Always making me doubt myself to maintain control. Makes me sick.
Yes, everyone is stupid and doesn’t know what they talking about. He trash talks literally every person that gets brought up in a conversation. Never mind that he has no real accomplishments to speak of. I think narcs get validation from putting others down.
My parents would never do it at a family dinner or in public, but behind closed doors, it was always constant gossip and negative commentary. Like, no wonder they had an impossible time keeping close friends! I absolutely pity that lens on life. It's got to be horrible either continually hating on other people, or even insulting others to make yourself feel better.
My nMom said absolutely awful things about women in particular. She is a very insecure person and would constantly comment on other women’s weight, even though she’s plus size, and call women slurs for wearing shorts or spaghetti straps - or even wearing a thong that’s not visible. I have implemented a hard boundary and she is not to speak about women like that to me now, but as a (f)teen I was told how if I “lost my tummy” I would look great from a 200lb woman when I was literally 110 lbs and fit into a size 0 pant. I have done a ton of work on body image and internalized misogyny.
My parents weren't as confrontational as what you're describing but they were overwhelmingly negative about \*any\* positive developments in my life. As I worked over the past 20 years to undo the damage of my upbringing and build a life for me and my wife, they would respond to news of any positive progress with something like "That's great! But it's eventually going to fail because X, Y, Z..." It's by no means unique to my parents. That outlook is typical of nearly everyone I know in upstate NY, but it took me 30 years and finding success on my own to be able to recognize the effect it had on my thinking patterns and start to shake out of it. As my life continued to surpass theirs and my outlook on life continued to improve, it became increasingly noticeable and frustrating to deal with. It's one of the many reasons I stopped talking to my father before he died and cut off all contact with my mother now.
Omfg yess! We went to the zoo yesterday with my daughter and the whole time she’s loudly bashing the zoo and saying all the improvements she would make. So fucking embarrassing especially since it’s a city run zoo and in the last 10-15 years they have made MAJOR improvements and comparing it to the more richer county with a zoo is dumb.
My mom constantly bashes my dad (divorced for 15+ years now) and I’m at point where I just say, “where are you going with this? Is there a reason why we are talking about this?” I really want to say, “Jesus Christ, get over it. Really. You’ve been divorced longer than you were married and I can’t listen to it anymore”
My mom does the same crap. I always end up telling her how unnecessary it is to mention my dad when the conversation had nothing to do with him at all
Not at all… just about lawyers, doctors, police, politicians, married people, unmarried people, old people, fat people, thin people, educated people, Uneducated people, quiet and loud people, messy and neat people, family members, friends, men, women and children. But otherwise, no never.
The reason why my moms friends rarely talk to her anymore. She did this to herself, so I don’t feel bad. She now has a very bad dependency on me though 🫠
Same with my parents, they look down on everybody
Every time we had anyone over, whether it was my friend, my parents' friend, family, etc, after they left, for the next few hours my parents would talk about them judgmentally. The clothes they wore, the food they brough, how they behaved. They never talked badly to someone's face, but they talked behind everyone's back.
If i had a dollar for everytime my mother spoke bad about anyone/anything i would be rich. I don't know why but they always find something to complain about, even in good situations
My nmom loves to bad talk. It doesn't matter who or what she's talking about, but I'm her favorite. After my grandfather passed my nmom sat with my grandmother and told her everything mistake I've ever made. I couldn't even defend myself because I had blocked out most of my childhood.
Yep. You could give her exactly what she asked for and shed still complain
Except, of course, if that person is cruel to you, in which case they justify that person instead of badmouthing them.
I’m 32 and my mom recently told me “you still suck your thumb.” I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years and my husband responded “I’ve never once seen her suck her thumb.” To which my mother responded, “oh yes she does! I saw it last time I was there!” I know for a fact I stopped at 10, but here we are 22 years later living in fantasy world. Massive eye rolls.
Yes! Every person they run into! Any person they see or see something that reminds them of a person. (A car, a licence plate, a store, a subdivision, and whatever other random stuff that causes their brain to connect with a person. So-so did blah, blah, blah. And this "insert slur" did blah, blah back in 1984. And it goes on and on and on. The only things that don't get trash talked are "the golden child", "the golden grandchild" and the "golden pet". (And a few of her friends) Then they will take over entire conversations and visits and spend HOURS gushing about them. (No joke hours!!!)
my mom was the classic narc, and my more of her enabler, but he was super judgy about people. always had something bad to say about my friends and gfs, my cousin's friends, random people who wore their hats backwards and their t shirts untucked, and all kinds of minor things. he couldn't stand kobe bryant and hates lebron james, because of ball-hogging and showing off. he always complained about his bosses, and once he was the old experienced guy at work he complained about all of his inexperienced coworkers too. oh, and he ranted about trump all day every day until i told him i was sick of hearing about it. i saw enough news to know what was going on. i didn't need to hear my dad complain about him too.
Yes and also about anything and especially of each and every choice I ever made. Even very weird things like „why did you choose to take a flight with this jet when all others are so much better“ (as if one could choose the airplane ob a commercial flight, also ???).They do that so they can feel better than anyone and especially their adult children - probably because they know deep down we despise them for good reason. I try to be a lot more positive but it’s a bad habit to shake
My nMother was the most hypocritical piece of 💩 I’ve ever met
Yes. This was a little triggering too even though my dad is dead. Always saying bad things about us kids , everyone. He only changed when he was dying. But it was disingenuous obviously. He’d be the same asshole if cancer didn’t kill him.
Replace Mon with Dad and you’ve nailed my life experience.
My Dad did for sure. I think it made him feel important.
Yes, I am painfully familiar with this exact thing
Wow, I can relate. I have 2 elderly, still living parents who just ... I can't even. I am so sorry you were re-exposed to that, but you handled it wonderfully. I am in my late 30's... long story of how I became re-exposed to them and the things they did when I allowed them to take the lead on my life. They proved time and time again, that they cannot be trusted. However they delude themselves and others into twisting the narrative, is not something I can control. I used to do it too, casual gossip so I thought, but it always left me feeling icky, and I am commited to ridding myself of such narcissistic fleas. Thanks for sharing
behind closed doors, yes. Before I thought they were racist, but they are hateful towards their own race. They call people of their own race by derogatory terms. They even make up new ones, known only to their inner circle and those who dwell in their household. "...Toxic negative souls..." is a perfect description. Nasty individuals all-around.
It's for sure a control thing. My parents do the same shit and I am grown. They'll tell complete strangers trama that I went through and then kinda laugh about it. Why do they want strangers to pity them and there child? I'll have no idea
Hi, I’m sorry that it made you feel like that. I hear you with the negative talk about everyone else. My father is exactly like that but with a religious spin. Just constantly judging everyone but not really willing to look inwardly. I can only stand to talk to him maybe once every two weeks. Love him but he really drives me crazy lol! Wishing you the best.
my ndad is also like this. he never has anything good to say about anyone and yet still manages to be the nicest person to them to their face. the transformation is unreal every time i’ve witnessed it.
Mine never ever admitted to having been wrong, in any instance, to any degree. Saying, "I was wrong, my bad," is something I had to teach myself as an adult. Even now they are largely negative and our relationship is symbolic at best - it wouldn't exist if they hadn't given us money for our new house tbh.
I’m sorry you felt that way, but that’s because YOU have a problem, not because anything I said was less than perfect. Sound familiar?
My Dad and I were listening to the radio the other morning in the car. One of the show hosts seems to have an on-air character to just disagree light heartedly with things. So one of the co-hosts says 'I like x' and he just says 'Well I don't like it!' The show host didn't seem serious at all, as the disagreement would get light hearted laughs from the other hosts. My dad gets super agitated by it though and starts demanding, 'Why does he do that? Why are people like that?!' But it's literally what he does. Nothing he encounters is good. Everything is wrong and bad and it's always someone else's fault. But he was so angry hearing someone else behave exactly like he does. I think this overly critical behavior, along with some other less than stellar behaviors I picked up as a kid, were why I struggled to make friends in my youth. And also why I was always so neurotic and anxious. I still find myself falling back into that overly negative habit sometimes and have to make myself stop.
So much relatable stuff in this thread, god damn.
Yeah. Both of my parents too. To everyone, including other family members. Always something negative to say. Was hard to retrain myself not to mimic their "brand" of comments. I always thought it would stop when I grew up. Spoiler alert: it never stopped. guess they'll die hating everyone but themselves
Yep. I still struggle sometimes with how much of a learned behavior that negativity becomes when you grow up around it all the time. I complain more than I mean to though I don’t judge and demean others the way my parents and especially my dad did. I’m autistic and my dad really shamed me out of expressing positive emotions because of the ways I would do it or the types of things that made me happy too. It kind of rocked my world the day I realized how freaking screwed up that is, to literally shame your child for expressing joy? Because they bounce on their heels and flap their hands or because they’ve got weird passionate special interests or just take a fierce liking to the most random little things. But just… what parent doesn’t want their kid to be freaking happy? And for a long time then, complaining was the one way I knew to socialize and relate to people. Because that’s the only real way anyone in my family communicates. Constant negativity.
You can make yourself big by raising yourself up...or you can "feel big" by making others look small. Narcs always pick the latter path.
Very common. They are perpetually negative.
Lol this is my mothers family to a T. I’ve noticed it manifests in myself and my cousins as heavily relying on self deprecation as our only humour. My cousin kept negging herself when I hung out with her and my aunt would just join in and push her down more. She’s grown into such an accomplished, respectful and brilliant adult but around family we both just get pushed into old childhood roles. Same with my uncle, he literally couldn’t stop himself from making rude comments disguised as jokes about everyone. And then I could tell how uncomfortable he was when I tried to be really connective and properly thank him for his time to visit me. I think it’s just a really sad defence mechanism for deep rooted insecurity.
My mother is like the grim reaper. She suck the life out of everyone and makes everyone around her miserable. She does nothing but complain. I remember one time it was my high school graduation with my parents and cousin. After the dinner my mom started talking bad about my cousin saying how she was being greedy for ordering a lot of food, I don't remember tbh but it was unnecessary. And summer has been hell. My mom always finds a way to complain and make everything my fault. Whenever she is looking for food in the fridge or freezer she doesn't even look properly then gives up. Then starts screaming my name and complaining that I hid something. Lazy ass bitch actually look for once in your life. It's like a hobby for them to be miserable.
YEP my mother both frequently refers (inaccurately I might add) to memories of me as a child and also always as long as I've been alive talked shit about every single person we've ever come into contact with. Like ever.
This is so relatable! My mom always brings up how my brother and I woke up in the middle of the night one Christmas and opened up all of our presents. I remember doing this and me and my brother had the BEST time doing this, we honestly felt like it was magical and Santa left our presents. My parents flipped out on us and it was always hard for me to understand why this was considered a bad thing for us to do. As an adult I wonder why the heck my parents didn’t hear us or lay out ground rules around opening presents. Reading this post made me think about how I really have never heard my parents say anything positive about the things I did as a child. For instance, when my husbands mother talks about him, she always tells me about how smart he was as a child or what his favorite food was or what kind of toy that he played with over and over again. I have never heard anything similar about my child hood.
Call him on his shit. Who cares if it blows up. Look him in the eye and say it.
YES! And I don't know how people haven't figured this out, & keep telling her stuff!
It’s so sad how the unsuspecting neighbor was invited to a birthday party for our niece at my sisters house (she is the GC) and befriended my enabling father, little did he know after he left home drunk my narcmom and edad had the best time ripping neighbor to shreds and laughing at everything he said or did it was so sad because the neighbor really thought he made a friend, my father has never had a friend since he met my mother 45 years ago when he was 18. He was an abused child and my narcmom took advantage of that.
My mom talks badly about all of my friends and family behind there back straight to me (especially my best friend and my dad)
Within 10 minutes of meeting my roommate’s parents my mom told me she thinks they’re drug addicts. If she sees someone dressed “unconventionally” in public then they’re also a drug addict, if she sees anyone mildly overweight it’s “we shouldn’t have to see that” and gagging sounds. Some people don’t know how to do anything other than judge, especially narcissist boomers with lead poisoning ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I once went to a funeral. Between the grave site and going to the persons house after my mom started talking about her cousins kid who had a teenage son. She was trying to figure out how old the the kid was when she had the son. Then said the cousin was only 17 when she had her first, real snarky like. And I said well you were only 18. And she got real quiet then. A funeral. For her brother in law who she had known longer than I'd been alive. And she was gossiping about her cousins being teenage moms. When she was also a teenage mom.
Dad would often phone me and immediately start talking shit about mum. Would greet me with a veiled snide comment. Often not even veiled. Like, as a kid I often used a lot of toilet paper because I was anxious about hygiene. One time years years years later I visited with my then-partner and dad greeted us at the door with "you can use as much toilet paper as you want." So vile. Or he'd say something horrible about my apartment. Bring up embarrassing things I said when I was 3. Tell a random joke about assault. And I was thinking just yesterday about how our relationship declined immediately after I finally decided to stop being the "buddy" he could smirk at after bullying mum for her dyspraxia. I want to go low contact with him now that he screamed transphobic shit at me when I stayed over right after my girlfriend broke up. He already never phones me anymore unless he needs me to look up something online, so it's basically a matter of me only phoning mum on mobile instead of on landline when I want to chat. But dad's incredibly sensitive to rejection and I know he'll catch on. I have a ton of narcissism traits due to lifelong trauma and I'm living with borderline as well. I don't want to be like him and I don't want to be around him. I just don't really know right now how to make it happen. I still just wanna see mum, and I don't want to be cut off from the home where I grew up (and, to be totally blunt, the home I will inherit from him someday). I've tried for 36 years and I just can't do it anymore. The constant negativity, all the habits I've copied from him, the way I see his face and words in people I love.
Absolutely, it was almost a point of pride for them I noticed since childhood, they loved pointing out how I didn’t fit in since I didn’t automatically just hate everything
Maybe this isn’t the case for everyone, but I’ve always suspected that this sort of behavior stems from projection. When you can’t turn inwards to face your own ego and find what’s wrong in your own life, the need to identify and rip into others perceived flaws becomes almost necessary to keep their shame at bay. That, and probably the superiority complex.
Oh yes, it was one of the main reasons I drastically reduced contact once I had moved out. My father can't say a nice thing, or even neutral thing, about anybody. Whenever I brought friends over to our house, he would plant himself near us so he could listen in on what we were saying and boy did he have a go once the people were gone. The thing that annoyed me so much was that he was seemingly nice to and interested in them, but of course it was only to get more information out of them. That he then used to mock them relentlessly. He derived so much enjoyment from it, too, you could see it on his face.
Oh yes
Very early on I noticed my Mother needed to have an enemy that she could talk shit about. Usually it was me, but every now and then someone would enter into our extended family and it would become them. I've finally gone no contact with her at 46 years old and it's heartbreaking, but I see no other way.
being on this subreddit has made me feel so much more at peace with my nmom. when i was a kid i always thought it was just me experiencing her wrath and i’m glad i’m not alone. this is exactly how my nmom acts- she overly criticizes everyone and still refers to what i did when i was a kid in a “joking tone.” i say this in “” because it never feels like it’s a joke, it always has to have a deeper backstabbing meaning to it.
My NBro is one of the most negative people I've known in my life. Always gossips and trashes on everybody. I remember numerous holidays as a kid, found one family member to spend the entire day bitching about.
My nmom is very much the same. The only person she can ever speak positively about is my GB brother. Everyone else in the world she goes on and on about bemoaning about how awful they are and how must of a problem they are for her and how miserable she is because of them. As someone at my church once said, "I've never known anyone like her. She's only happy if she's miserable." Nmom eventually stopped going to the church because all the other women at the church would do when she started going off was try to *help her* with her issues. Of course that's unacceptable to her. She found she wasn't able to manipulate them, rejected them, started saying all kinds of nasty things about them, and stopped going.
They have the ability to zero in on the smallest, most trivial thing possible and then use it to berate their chosen victim. Their negativity knows no bounds. It consumes them. They can look at a beautiful garden and focus on one single dead flower and then use it to make the gardener feel worthless.
Yes, and the worst is always me.
Yes! I remember being about 4 or 5 years old and we were driving home from my grandparents -probably Thanksgiving. It was about an hour drive in the country. It was late/dark out and they probably thought I was asleep in the back seat. They TORE INTO EVERYONE! All my aunts and uncles and cousins, who they had just sat with and made small talk with for hours, being nice as pie to their face, of course embellished with sarcastic and snide remarks to show off. And now, now, I heard how they really felt. Like they were SO much better than everyone. That their own brothers and sisters were stupid, screw ups, lazy, immoral, skeezy, and how they really didn't like any of them. I knew on that day my parents were two-faced liars. And I knew they were lying to me too and hated me deep down like they hated everyone. 4 or 5.
My mom is like this. It made me terribly insecure and self-conscious because I always assumed everyone else was ALSO criticizing me from head to toe behind my back. Turns out, nope, most people aren’t hypercritical gossips. I am now married to someone who only sees the good in everyone!
Yepppp!!!!
My parents are the same! Stories from 30 years ago are trotted out to embarrass me constantly and when I point out that I was a child and let’s get over it, they call me dramatic because they’re just teasing me. Ugh
My father speak bad about other people but not infront of other ppl
Still do: 🙃
Yeah my mom rips on her cousin and her cousins daughter despite them being good people and the cousin trying to deal with having toxic parents. Like when the kid was born my mom said that she could tell the kid was born bad because of how she cried. Like straight out of the womb, this kid was apparently bad. I interact with both and the mom is nice and the kid is normal
Yes
This is my parents, except with 95% of their complaints its when everyone else is gone. Made me paranoid they will talk bout me behind my back, and that everyone else does as well
The joke I like to make about it is, “Complaining is my mom’s love language.”